Q. I am 27, and I married for love at 24. It didn’t work out, so now I’m considering dating for money. I enjoy traveling, which is an expensive hobby, and my passion is animals. Without a degree (or the time and money to pursue a degree), I can only volunteer my time to causes that benefit animals. I’m dating a really great guy right now, but he has a lot of baggage - an ex-wife and two kids, and he can’t “take care of me’’ financially. Kids have always been a deal-breaker for me, but our relationship was very convenient two years ago when I left my husband and was going through my divorce. Is it “wrong’’ to marry for money if the guy knows ahead of time that it is one of the main reasons I want to be with him?
GOLD DIGGER A. Where to start? It is not “wrong’’ to marry for money; it is just usually disappointing . . . or worse. How much fun can it be, after all, to live like a princess if the guy that goes with it is not someone for whom you have genuine feeling? Some women, however, are so focused on being “taken care of’’ that they’ll put up with anything, and the tradeoff is being a bird in a gilded cage. I also find a serious flaw in your thinking: I don’t know that there are men who know for a fact that their money is the main attraction and think that’s fine. They may suspect, but I can’t imagine it being spelled out. If this is the case, however, then you are in a business arrangement where it’s sex and companionship for money, and there is a name for that.
Q. My husband and I have been married for a year, and we really love each other. We’ve yet to have kids and are enjoying our newlywed period. My only problem is that I feel he is overly concerned with purchasing nice things. For example, he focused for months on trading in our current truck for a car by trying to convince me with extensive research, calling dealerships, visiting dealerships, etc. Immediately after that, he focused on getting a pair of designer sunglasses, and now he has just bought another pair of shoes (which, once he gets, he doesn’t want to wear often so as not to wear them out).
Sometimes these purchases are quite irrational. He’s a huge fan of ordering things online, receiving them, not liking them, and then returning them to then get something else. To be honest, it’s exhausting. I find it hard to express myself because I feel he has a difficult time understanding why I don’t continually think about my next purchase. Do you think it’s merely a difference in shopping habits, or is it a projection of something deeper?
SHOPAHOLIC’S WIFE
A. Your luck - this is more often a problem that men have with women. Your husband needs a new hobby, as well as some understanding of why he is a compulsive shopper/buyer. The business with the shoes is edifying. His collection of footwear has nothing to do with wearing shoes, which is necessary, but with having several pairs. In a concerned rather than critical way, I would suggest to him that you believe his concentration on things is based on compulsion rather than need, and that his mental health - not to mention family finances - requires him to join a group or see a counselor to unravel his absorption with buying. (In a perfect world, he could become a buyer for a department store and live vicariously.) In any case, do encourage him to get a handle on this.
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