I had a fashion crisis the other day. I needed a pair of footless tights to replace a pair that had snagged. So when I found myself in the vicinity of an
Mistake! Like most babies his age, Jesse attracts a lot of cooing attention from baby-friendly crowds, but the young hipsters shopping beside me didn’t even seem to notice. They stepped over him on the way to the cigarette jeans. They almost squashed him with platform heels in pursuit of sheer graphic tees. And with their vacant stares, their collegiate slouches, they sent me into a little existential crisis: Do I belong in this store, even to shop selectively? Do I deserve to wear footless tights?
This is a prime mommy dilemma, particularly for mommies of the 30-something and 40-something variety: How do we balance the desire to be remotely stylish with the fact that we’re now constitutionally required to be mature? The pressure to look good is as strong as ever, especially with a glut of TV fashion shows that can’t wait to tell us everything we’re doing wrong. And the rise in disposable fashion means that trends are within reach for women who now spend a good chunk of their income on diapers and sippy cups. (“Frugalistas,’’ the Target ads call us, insidiously. They know how to make us feel attainably chic.)
In some ways, the pressure feels even more intense once the kids arrive: Suddenly, there’s a mockable standard of dress - and of being - that you have to avoid. At a friend’s suggestion a few months ago, I joined a Facebook group called “Please Kill Me if I Ever Wear Mom Jeans,’’ whose mission statement also requests intervention for being caught in Crocs, fanny packs, or holiday-theme wool sweaters.
But then there’s the flip side, the knowledge that chic - especially frugal chic - can be synonymous with youth, and as example-setting moms, we’re not supposed to try to look too young. Like many moms of little girls, I often marveled at the cuteness of my daughter’s clothes and thought, “I wish those came in my size.’’ Then I extrapolate, imagine what I’d look like in the purple-and-green-plaid pleated miniskirt with matching floral top from Children’s Place, and reconsider the whole idea.
The fashion industry, of course, is filled with practical tips to help moms get along, while still spending liberally on clothes: invest in classic pieces, try mid-rise straight-leg jeans, accessorize, accessorize, accessorize. I spoke by phone to Melissa Gelfand and Vanessa Barcus, co-owners of the Denver-based online store www.shopgoldyn.com, who offered a fairly obvious list of no-nos, from cropped tops to head-to-toe animal prints to super-high-waisted jeans. (“They don’t work very well on a muffin top,’’ says Gelfand, a 40-year-old mother herself.)
Their core customers, Gelfand and Barcus note, are mothers in their 30s, who like to take advantage of the virtues of online shopping: You can shop at odd hours, avoid playing hide-and-seek with a toddler in the clothing racks, and browse through trendy styles without worrying about who’s watching.
Still, I wonder if that’s the wrong mindset - that we should endure the sneers, bring the kids, and shop where we want, without shame. Teach our kids, early on, about the thrill of bargain hunting and the discipline of the dressing room. My 5-year-old could spend hours at Marshall’s, trying on shoes that are 17 sizes too big. How can I deprive her?
Besides, we don’t have to buy everything we see. But with style comes an imperative to be daring, to try things, to try things on. Barcus, who’s in her late 20s, still counsels moms to go for that bustier dress - just wear it with flats and a cardigan, so you don’t look too much like you’re trying to be Madonna.
If only I had an occasion to wear a bustier dress . . . but that’s a very different mom dilemma. As it is, Gelfand and Barcus gave me the official stylista go-ahead on footless tights, so I bought two pairs this week. Online.
Joanna Weiss can be reached at weiss@globe.com. 
