Q. In my senior year of college, I had an affair with my much older professor. It took a while to get over, but now I’m in grad school and he’s still my adviser and friend. A few friends and my current boyfriend of 11 months know that there was some kind of attachment (I never said with whom), but as far as anyone is concerned, I’ve been single between my high-school boyfriend and this one.
Recently, my current boyfriend asked me (though it sounded more like a statement) whether I’d had another partner. I was caught off guard, but shook my head no and referred to the period in between as mind games. He seemed to believe me. We’re doing the long-distance thing, and he was leaving the next morning. My conscience is killing me. I can’t live with having lied to his face. I’m afraid that if I tell him, I’ll lose him, but if he finds out himself, I’ll lose him for sure. I’m seeing my boyfriend in a month. What do I do? Can I come clean without full disclosure? How can I handle this without losing the guy I love?
CAN’T LIVE WITH A LIE A. Because there’s a chance your current boyfriend could find out, and because your conscience is killing you, I would tell him the involvement was something you so regretted that you lied when caught off guard. Also tell him you believe there should be total honesty between two people who are committed to each other, which is why you are ’fessing up. If it’s a deal breaker, then you will know that this man does not have the forgiveness gene. Plus, you were not cheating on him, so it shouldn’t be fatal to your romance. I would not reveal the professor’s identity, if that’s what you mean by “full disclosure.’’ Good luck.
Q. I have been in a long-distance relationship for two years. We got engaged. The ring that was given to me was his mother’s. He recently ended the relationship because, in short, his priorities were not in order. It has been six weeks since our breakup. His mother attempted to contact me for the first three weeks and text messaged me today asking me to call her so we could talk. I am assuming it is about the ring. I received an e-mail a week ago from him saying that apparently I’ve “hijacked’’ (yes, he really said “hijacked’’) her ring, as I haven’t returned it yet. He also proceeded to tell me he was sorry and apologized profusely. He then implied that since our breakup, I have been drinking and partying and having random sex - none of which I have been doing and, of course, find insulting.
I have mixed feelings about returning the ring, because I am still hurt and angry about the breakup and his e-mail. It bothers me that this ring was apparently never really mine, that it is hers, was always hers, and needs to be returned to her. My bitter side tells me to keep it, but I do not want to be the girl that kept the family heirloom.
TRYING TO BE DECENT A. According to etiquette, as well as legal precedent, if the man breaks the engagement, the ring is the woman’s to keep. (The reverse is that if the woman breaks the engagement, she returns the ring.) The choice for you is whether to be a lady or to stick it to him and his mother. I will say that the ex-fiance doesn’t seem to be playing his cards very well. Think about it until you have a better idea of how you feel.
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