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Annie's Mailbox

They're together, but his kids come first

June 27, 2011

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Q. I have been dating Jeff for three years. He has two teenage kids from a prior marriage. Jeff claims he wants us to be together forever, but his actions say otherwise. We spend all our time together, except when his kids are involved. Then I am completely excluded. And on occasions when we make plans and the kids want to visit, he will cancel his time with me. He indulges their every whim.

Meanwhile, Jeff has no problem interacting with my adult children and me, but won’t give me the same respect.

QUESTIONING THIS RELATIONSHIP

A. It’s possible that Jeff’s children are not happy about your relationship and are putting subtle pressure on him to exclude you. It’s also possible that he is uncomfortable behaving as if he has a romantic life when he is with his children. Or, he might be waiting until they are older.

Nonetheless, if you have been together for three years and intend to stay that way, it is best for everyone if the children get to know you and acclimate themselves to your presence. It won’t make things easier if Jeff gives the kids the impression that they control his social life. Talk to Jeff. If he is serious that this relationship is for the long haul, it’s time to bring you into the family mix.

Q. My dad was adopted at a young age. He blamed his birth family for all the pain and suffering from the separation and loss he experienced. As a result, he refused to meet his birth mother when she came looking for him in the 1960s.

My father is in his mid-70s now and would like to track down his siblings. His original paperwork and the Internet have only gotten us so far. We know his birth mother’s first and last name and the first names of his siblings, but we don’t know how to find out more about them. Is there an agency that can help us?

BABY M’S DAUGHTER

A. We recommend the International Soundex Reunion Registry (www.isrr.net) at 888-886-4777. You also can try the Adoption Reunion Registry (registry.adoption.com). Keep in mind that a great deal of your success with a search requires that Dad’s siblings have made themselves available to be found. Otherwise, you may need to hire a professional to help you. Good luck.

Q. I read the letter from “Sad and Frustrated,’’ whose grandchildren misbehave when the parents pick them up.

Bless them for taking five grandchildren at a time for overnights and weekends. We have three grandsons and know what that is like. Instead of letting the parents pick them up, the grandparents should drive them back home. This gives the kids time to transition, which children have trouble with, and then the grandparents can drop them off and leave without having to watch the antics and disruptive behavior. Keep in mind, the parents may feel uncomfortable disciplining their children in the grandparents’ home.

We also enjoy having the grandsons over one at a time. That gives each one special attention. We hope those grandparents don’t give up. They are making memories for a lifetime.

GRANDMA, TOO

E-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie’s Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 5777 West Century Blvd., Suite 700, Los Angeles, CA 90045.