Editor's note: Ron Fletcher, an English teacher at Boston College High School, writes the Ask The Teacher column for the Globe and regularly answers reader questions in Boston.com Q&A chats.

By Ron Fletcher

Q. My son had a pretty good year as a high school freshman, but he's now struggling as a sophomore. It's not just the increased amount of work; it's his lack of enthusiasm for school in general. Is this sort of thing common? How can I help him?
C.A., Scituate

A. The sophomore slump is not a myth. With so much hoopla surrounding freshman year, the start of sophomore year can seem both anticlimactic and daunting, particularly on the heels of summer's ease and freedoms.

With the novelty of high school faded, it's difficult for many sophomores to muster enthusiasm for what looks like a long slog of a year.

More, the myriad programs, support structures, and orientation that most schools provide freshmen often dwindle to a few group visits with a guidance counselor. The first quarter can challenge, if not overwhelm, the student who lacks initiative and independence or who never found his footing as a freshman.

You can help by checking in with your son, as a concerned parent, not an inquisitor. Let him explain what he sees as the difficulties with classes in particular and school in general.

Collaborate on a reasonable, modest change of approach, such as seeking extra help for a subject or joining a school club. Allow him to believe that any change is his idea, not your decree.

Resist the temptation to call teachers and counselors at this point, a move that probably would add to your son's stress. Remind him of his successes as a freshman and your confidence in his ability.

Give him the first quarter to find his stride. Often it takes only an academic success, new hobby, or unexpected friendship to end such a slump.

If your son's lack of interest in school persists and is accompanied by erratic sleep and appetite, irritability, and feelings of worthlessness, meet with your pediatrician to discuss the possibility of depression.

Q. The high school students to whom I teach English are poor readers and writers who struggle specifically with grammar. I'd love to move on to bigger and better things, like learning about literature and reading great books, but this problem remains.

What's the best way of addressing grammar and sentence-level writing problems? I could drill them to death, but then I'm afraid I'd lose them to boredom.
Anonymous

A. Yes, grammar can suck the air out of a classroom when presented in a vacuum. Put aside the formal text for a spell and present examples of how the subject is used and abused each day.

A bit of pandering may be in order, whether it's discussing a solecism used by an ESPN broadcaster, a lack of subject-verb agreement in a song lyric, or a misplaced comma in an ad.

There are plenty of websites tracking usage errors locally and nationally often with considerable wit and humor.

Next, assign and discuss a language column with your students, such as, William Safire's "On Language" or Jan Freeman's "The Word." Better yet, choose excerpts from the late, great David Foster Wallace's essay "Tense Present," a tour-de-force review of "A Dictionary of Modern American Usage." The high-octane humor of its opening list-cum-litany of common errors will allow you to reach the most reluctant student.

Next, bring in some of your favorite sentences to demonstrate how a well-placed semi-colon or em dash can make all the difference. Limit the number of minutes spent on grammar in the abstract and thread it through your discussion of literature as well as school announcements.

Present the subject of grammar as a part of - rather than apart from - everything you read.

Ron Fletcher teaches English at Boston College High. To submit a question, e-mail him at rfletcher@bchigh.edu. Include your name, town, and e-mail address. Questions, upon request, can be printed anonymously.

The following is from a Boston.com reader Q&A this week with Child Caring writer Barbara Meltz:

We have a niece that is almost 18 and gets very little structure from her parents. She has no driver's license, no job, is not attending college and has basically no drive at all.

When we talk to her about what she wants to do, she thinks that we are picking on her. She is not outgoing at all and the things she wants to do, we tell her that she will need to go to school.

I did take her aside a few weeks ago and tell her that if she is interested in something, or wants to learn more about a school or job field to let us know and that we would do what we could to help her find the answers. I'm also afraid that her two younger sister are going down the same road.
M

Barbara Meltz: Hi M, You may have more influence with the two younger nieces; create a variation of "take your daughter to work" and try to expose them to appropriate possibilities.

College is not for everyone, but everyone needs a way to feel good about herself. I'm not saying to give up on the 18-year-old; I would try to find ways to expose her to jobs or programs that you think might be interesting to her.

And what about talking to the parents? What do they imagine for her? What you can do and how much influence you can have as aunt/uncle is obviously going to be dictated by the relationship you have with the parents, too.

Agree with this advice? Have some of your own? Let us know in our comments section below -- and ask a question of Barbara Meltz during her next chat on Monday, Oct. 20 on Boston.com..

The following is from a Boston.com readers Q&A this week with Child Caring writer Barbara Meltz:

Question: If a 21-month-old declines to eat heathy food that she sometimes will eat (like eggs or vegetables), is it better to give her less-healthy snack food (crackers, pretzels, etc), or give her nothing?

Our pediatrician tells us to get our child to eat regularly to gain weight, but also suggests denying her any food if she will not eat the health stuff. This seems somewhat contradictory. Any advice?
NATICK DAD

Barbara Meltz: Hi Natick Dad. Yeah, that advice doesn't knock me out. The best advice I've ever heard for picky eaters is this: at every meal, you put in front of her food that you know is healthy as well as something you know she will like that may not be as healthy but you know she will eat it.

The theory is that all you can do is put the food in front of her; it's her job -- and privilege -- to decide what actually goes in her mouth. I don't see a problem with crackers, by the way, or even with pretzels. It's usually the sugar-laden foods that you want to stay away from.

I would certainly not advise giving her nothing.

Do you agree? Have advice of your own? Let readers know in our comments section below -- and check in with Barbara's next chat on Boston.com on Monday, Oct. 20..

The following is from a Boston.com readers Q&A this week with Child Caring writer Barbara Meltz:

Question: Our 16-year-old daugher forged a note from her teacher to us and then took it out of my purse so I would not contact the school because if a honor's English teacher wrote like that, she should not be teaching.

We got to the bottom of that issue when our daughter said her friend wrote it for her. She's grounded. During this, because I was suspicious of her behavior, I looked at her cell and she is sending naked photos of herself to a classmate. Not a boyfriend, a boy buddy at school.

We monitor her MySpace so she knows what is not appropraite, what do we do in this day and age where Friends with Benefits and sex is everywhere? EVR

Barbara Meltz: Evr, I wish I could tell you these are age-appropriate behaviors, but no, they are not. Unfortunately, while grounding may feel to like a good response, it hardly ever does any good; it just makes a teen resent you and find ways to get around the grounding or do a better job next time of not getting caught.

You need to get to the heart of the problem, or at least closer to it than you are, and frankly, spying on her isn't going to help the situation, either. Does she know you monitor her MySpace? She needs to; otherwise you are spying and potentially damanging your relationshp, which is the last thing you want to do now.

I'm not saying you can't monitor; I'm saying she needs to know you are doing it and why. But rather than just reacting to what you know is happening, you need to have some conversations in which you ask her to explain why sending naked photos was something she wanted to do.

It might be easier if she could write her answer to you. For all you know, this is something all the girls are doing. That doesn't mean it's OK. (If that's the case, it's something you need to brainstorm with other parents about it.) But you need need a way into her thinking and you are more likely to get that with genuine concern and interest than with angry, punitive responses.

Also, when you do feel the need for discipline, like with the teacher's note, try to find a consequence that has some relationship to the misdemeanor. In that case, for instance, writing a note to the teacher, or writing an essay to you explaining why she did it.

At the heart of this is trying to get her to understand her own motivations and to see that they are hurtful to herself. That said, if you think this is pathological or if your relationship is way beyond this, then you need professional help.

Do you agree with this advice? Have some of your own? Let us know in the comments section below.

The following is from a Boston.com reader Q&A on Monday with Child Caring writer Barbara Meltz:

Question: What do I do about my 1st grader who seems to be a budding perfectionist? She gets very upset when she makes a mistake on her homework, and she does not like me to help her read, she hates to ask for help when she gets stuck on a word. Is this unusual?
LOU

Barbara Meltz: Lou, some kids do have perfectionist tendencies and often it's a behavior that is modeled for them by some adult in their life. Know anyone like that? The best thing you can do at this age is to model the behavior you hope for, in this case, that something can be good enough.

One way to do that is to literally think out loud so that she can hear you. So let's say you are writing something on the computer, a letter or email, and you know she is in earshot, kind of mumble to yourself, "You know, I could spend another hour on this and make it perfect, but I'm really tired tonight and I think it's good enough just the way it is."

Do a variation on that whenever it seems appropriate. Also, share with the teacher what you are seeing; how much time does she expect children to spend on the homework? If it's far less than your daughter does, perhaps the teacher could announce to the class, or to parents at back-to-school night so that you are able to say, "Your teacher told all thee parents homework should only take 10 minutes. Let's set the timer and see how long you take to do it."

Then you have something objective to point to: "Look, it took you 18 minutes. That's more than your teacher wants." Then you can work together to get it down to the time limit, perhaps by setting the timer: "When 10 minutes are up, it's time to stop." If she protests that, you could agree that she could have another x minutes, to get it closer to the way she likes. The point is to get her to the place where she is willing to accept, "it's good enough."

Agree with that advice? Have some of your own? Have your say in our comments section. Also take a look below at a relevant Boston Globe article from Barbara Meltz on the topic in 1996.

The following is from a Boston.com reader Q&A on Monday with Child Caring writer Barbara Meltz:

Qustion: My 4 1/2-year-old son has been bitten twice by the same boy in school (this boy has some behavioral/anger issues). They were in (preschool) class together last year, too, so it's not a new relationship for him; in fact he likes the kid. This boy is fresh to everyone, not just my son. At what point do I make a big stink to the school (my feeling is that I want my son to learn to stick up for himself more, not kick the bad kid out).
MARIE

Barbara Meltz: Hi Marie. As a parent, you have every right to expect your pre-school or toddler program to have a policy in place regarding biting. Not only that, you also should not feel intimidated about asking what that policy is.

Biting is a pretty common behavioral problem, although more so in the toddler years than in pre-school, and it can happen for a wide range of reasons from a child being frustrated and not having words, to being in an environment that is over-stimulating or not stimulating enough, or too crowded or doesn't have enough equipment for sharing. Although parents can get very defensive whether it is their child who is biting or being bitten (and remember, this can turn on a dime; your child could be the victim today and the perpetrator tomorrow, so it's wise to take a "I know this kind of thing happens" attitude).

But that is quickly followed up by: "Tell me how you are dealing with it." So I don't suggest making a big stink, rather I would bring it to the teacher's attention (is it possible they don't know it happened?!) immediately and expect to know, exactly, how they are dealing with it.

For instance, if a child is being bitten repeatedly by the same biter, you're right, that you don't want that child to fall into a pattern of being a victim. What are they doing to work with your child? Do they let him know it's OK to be angry or upset or frightened or worried?

You, too, may want to give him permission to not like it, to validate his feelings: "You don't like it when J bites you, do you? He hurt you, and that's not OK." But it needs to go beyond that , to giving a child coping tools: being able to say to the biter: "Stop! That hurts! Don't bite me!"

Give him that language; it's easier for a child to be able to imitate you. What you don't want is for him to bite the child back! But first and foremost, speak to the teacher and director. You can even recommend this book to them, esp if they do not have a biting policy: "No Biting: Policy and Practice for Toddler Programs" by Gretchen Kinnell.

Do you agree with this advice? Have some of your own? Let us know in our comments section.

The following is from a Boston.com Q&A with Child Caring writer Barbara Meltz:

Question: Dear Barbara, I have a very tricky relationship with the in-laws. Since my engagement and subsequent marriage 10 years ago, they have made clear on several occasions that they just do not like me. I have tried repeatedly to talk things over, but always get the runaround and hope things will be better only to find that they talk about me behind my back to the rest of the family. .

My husband has always felt this way with them, too. My question is this, how do I keep some relationship open for my children, when I choose not to have one with them?
LOST

Barbara Meltz: Lost, It sounds like your kids are probably school-age, which makes them developmentally able to see that you don't exactly like or get along with their grandparents.

At some point, your job is to have age-appropriate conversations with them to validate what they have already intuited. To a 7-year-old, you might say, "You've probably noticed that I don't go with you when you go to visit nana and poppa. It's because I like you to have time with them, without me around, so you can really enjoy their company." (The older they, the closer to the truth you can/should get.)

In other words, you need to endorse the relationship and give them permission to have it. On the other hand, if you have any reason to think they are saying negative things about you or your parenting to your children, that's a toxic influence that cannot be tolerated. In which case, I would give the in-laws an ultimatum: play with my rules, or you can't see the kids as often. Frankly, sad as it may be, it sounds as if it may come to that at some point, no matter what.

Agree with this advice? Have another idea? Let us know in our comments section below. And feel free to ask Barbara Meltz a question yourself during her Monday chats on Boston.com.

The following is from a Boston.com reader Q&A with Child Caring writer Barbara Meltz:

Question: My husband's mother living in New York is very ill. My husband and I are having a disagreement whether our 2-year-old son should attend her wake and funeral.

We aren't close to his family and I am concerned he will be spend the entire time clinging to both of us. What are the guidelines for children and funerals?

Barbara Meltz: It used to be that children were kept away from both events but research in recent years suggested that attendance and involvement in some way was not detrimental as long as each child had an adult to be with, especially when parents would be crying and distraught; that in fact children who were kept from a funeral often felt left out of the family and the grieving process.

That said, every family situation is different and so is each child. A 2-year-old is unlikely to understand or benefit from attending either event, but I would encourage you to have him at home with the gathered family afterward.

Do you agree with this advice? Have another take on this issue? Tell us about it in our comments section. And check out Barbara Meltz's next chat on Boston.com.

The following is from a Q&A this week with Child Caring writer Barbara Meltz:

Question: My son recently started Kindergarten and is about to turn 6 - he has started waking up in the middle of the night (2 a.m.) and coming into our room, climbing into bed and going back to sleep.

When we try to put him back to bed, he cries and wakes up everyone in the family - we feel he might be too old for sleeping with us - any suggestions on how we can all get some sleep?

I have considered putting an aerobed on our floor and making him sleep there... any ideas are welcome! He has an older brother and sister - who stopped coming into our room by the age of 3 and 4.

Barbara Meltz: I would absolutely make up a bed in your room for him and let him know he's welcome there at any time. Each child is different (you don't need me to tell you that!) but also keep this in mind: a month or so into the start of the kindergarten or first-grade year can be a stressful time for kids.

He's probably hit a new stage of development where he's comparing himself to other kids. Some of that is typical and healthy: "John has black hair and my hair is blonde, He can run fast, I can jump higher." Up until now, that's mostly about noticing differences and not putting values on them.

But around this age, they start to attach values: "John can write his name. That means he's smart. I can't write my name. Maybe I'm not smart." I'm not saying that specifically is going on, but it can be something like that that could be making him feel stressed.

Bottom line: if he needs to feel that he can sleep on the floor of your room whenever he wants, I don't see that as a big deal.

Readers, do you agree? Have your say in our comments section below.

The following is from a Q&A this week with Child Caring writer Barbara Meltz:

Question: Hi Barbara, My husband and I are seriously considering moving our family of five (we live in Boston) to a town with good public schools about 15 miles away. Our 7-year-old daughter and 5-year-old son have a great group of friends, and are happy and doing well at their private shcool.

However, with our third child set to enter the school next year, we will be living just to pay tuition. Therefore, we have decided to move before the 2009-2010 school year.

We are very concerned that moving will have an especially negative impact on our daughter. What do you think?

Barbara Meltz: The older children are, the more difficult a move is, but yours are still young enough, even in second or third grade, to think that they will make the adjustment without negative impact.

Of course, there are things you can do when the time comes to make the transition easier. ... Meanwhile, I would caution you not to talk to them about it this far in advance. It's way too much information for them.

Readers, agree with Barbara's advice? Have a separate thought on this topic? Sound off with a note in our comments section below.

The following is from a Q&A this week with Child Caring writer Barbara Meltz:

Question: My 2.5-year-old is very concerned about a robber in a Madeline book. She doesn't like that page and doesn't like the bad man. After some back-pedaling and a reassuring explanation that he's not a bad man, he did a bad thing and will get a long time out etc., she seems less worried.

This has me wondering about how to deal with ghosts and monsters and other associated Halloween spookies to her as well as "bad guys" in general. She'll dress up (as a giraffe) for an office party, but not go out trick-or-treating.
MAMOM

Barbara Meltz: MaMom, Halloween can be a very difficult time for young children; I don't get why parents of young children think it's cute to dress them up or, worse yet, to insist on exposing them to costumes in the home.

There will be plenty of time for that when they are older! My advice to parents is to shield young children from it altogether, and I would put your daughter in that category.

The concept of bad and scary is one that will come in and out of her awareness, it's something kids have a love/hate relationship with as they try to master and feel power over scary feelings. It's what fairy tales are all about. I like the answer you gave her on the Madeline book.

Readers, do you agree? Have other thoughts? Have your say in our comments section.

The following is from a Q&A this week with Child Caring writer Barbara Meltz:

Question: This morning I was at my wits end with my 15-year-old sophmore daughter. I believe she is dealing with a very low self-esteem. She was in tears this a.m. not wanting to go to school because "she had nothing to wear;" she looks "stupid;" this is after having gone shopping over the weekend and coming home empty-handed because she won't try on any clothes.

She is a beautiful, fit teenager (5-foot, 5-inch - 115 pounds) who is involved in school sports and has a nice group of friends. Attends social events, football games, etc. We have an 18-year-old daughter as well, but did not have to deal with this to this extent. Do you think it would be helpful for her to speak with a therapist? If so, do you have any recommendations?

Barbara Meltz: Here's the good news: She's still talking to you and it sounds like she even went shopping with you. This all sounds pretty typical of the age, but just because you think she's beautiful doesn't mean she thinks she is, etc etc.

Remember what that was like? That she's verbal with you, as unpleasant and difficult as it may be, is good. (Although you would certainly be paying attention to her eating habits, to make sure there isn't a serious body image issue going on.)

But the bottom line is this: if she's going to school, doing her work, participating in her social group, going to football games -- it sounds pretty healthy to me. It's when she starts NOT doing one or more of these things that I would worry. That said, I would keep trying to have conversations with her but here's a book I would read first: "You're Wearing That? Understanding Mothers and Daughters in Conversation," by Deborah Tannen. Meanwhile, there's no harm in asking her if she'd be open to a professional to talk to.

Readers, do you agree? Have other thoughts? Have your say in our comments section.

The following was from a Boston.com Q&A on Monday with Child Caring writer Barbara Meltz:

Question:To a parent with daughters, how would you deal with Sarah Palin? On one hand, spirits are raised for the possibility of a woman to achieve the nation's second-highest office. On the other, there's a sense that she's unprepared -- and you want to say there are prepared and unprepared people of each gender. But it's complicated. Any advice?

Barbara Meltz: I don't think it's all that complicated. Truthfulness is always the best policy, including here.

I would explain how wonderful it is that a woman is on the ticket, that this is something women have worked for long and hard; but that gender alone is not a reason to vote for her, any more than the color of Obama's skin is a reason to vote for or against him.

I wish every parent in America would have a conversation like this with their school-age + kids and -- I have to say it -- I surely agree that Palin is not qualified to be vice president.

Question: Hi Barbara, my 4 1/2 year old has become a terrible listener with Mom and Dad - everything is in one ear, out the other. He will also keep asking for the same thing over and over after we say no. While at school (5 day/week preschool, which he loves), he is a model of behavior. Any suggestions on how to deal with this trend of challenging mom and dad all the time? I'm assuming it's a developmental thing, but its driving us nuts.

Barbara Meltz: Yes, it's partly developmental, but it may also be this: It takes a lot of energy for a preschool to be a model of behavior at school.

At home, where he feels safest and most secure, he can let his guard down and be himself (not unlike an adult after a hard day at work). The best you can do is be consistent in limit-setting, be firm and patient and stay matter of fact, even when you need to repeat yourself: "Remember, I already said no, you can't eat candy now."

Developmentally what's going on is that he may be feeling his oats: feeling more "grown-up" whatever that means to him, and he's testing you to see what is and isn't oK. The more you are inconsistent or show your frustration, the more he will continue to test.

Readers, do you agree? Have a different point to make? Have your say in our comments section.

The following is from a Boston.com Q&A with Child Caring writer Barbara Meltz:

Question: Hi Barbara. I have an 11 year old and 9 year old who watch the Disney Channel. Often the girls, mostly the 11 year old, will dance in a sexy fashion complete with hip gyrations, etc.

I am at a loss as to what to say about this. I know banning TV will not work and I hesitate to use the word sexy as my 11 year old is of the mindset that sex right now is just for procreation and my 9 year old doesn't even know what is involved in sex. Any advice?
TONGUE-TIED MOM

Barbara Meltz: Tongue-tied mom, I like this question because I think it is such a common problem. You sound like you feel helpless in the wake of this, but you are not!

It sounds like you need to take more control of the TV viewing, though. If banning is out of the question -- because you can't tolerate their unhappiness? Or don't have the backbone to stick with it? -- set some clear rules about when/what gets watched. Just because it is Disney DOES NOT mean it is appropriate viewing (I called a chapter in my book, "Even Disney can be the enemy").

...This is a good time of the year to make some new rules, for instance no viewing on school days. Come on! You can do it! You can also say, "Some programs are not for your age.''

And why can't you talk about what is "too sexy"? Just don't make it complicated. Here's a just-published book that you need: "Too Sexy Too Soon?" by Diane Levin and Jeanne Kilbourne.

Readers, do you agree? Or not? Have your say in our comment section. If you have a question for Barbara Meltz, make sure to check in during her Boston.com chat at 1 p.m. on Monday.

The following is from a Boston.com Q&A with Child Caring writer Barbara Meltz:

Question: Hi Barbara -- I have a 9-month-old son who can sit up unassisted and roll from his belly to his back and occassionally from his back to his belly. People keep telling me that he is ''behind.''

Should he be doing more at this age, like crawling, holding his own bottle, etc.? Or should I just tell the people to ''back off'' -- he's just a laid back child? Thanks!

Barbara Meltz: While it is true that there are developmental milestones, it is also true that there is a huge range of variability in development, especially at this age. So I would cool it.

On the other hand: Is he getting enough opportunities to reach these milestones? For instance, does he have time to play on a blanket on the floor or is he always in a seat of some kind? Does he have time alone in his crib to occupy himself or do you rush in and pick him up as soon as you know he's awake?

Meanwhile, there's no harm in asking your pediatrician for reassurance that he is developing normally; it will set your mind at ease.

Other than that, try to turn a deaf ear to these folks and also not to compare your child to other babies the same age. As I said, there are huge differences within the normal range and they tend to even out over time.

Readers, weigh in on your opinion in our comment section. If you have a question for Barbara Meltz, make sure to check in during her Boston.com chat on Monday at 1 p.m.

The following story appeared in Saturday's Boston Globe:

By Tom Haines, Globe Staff

It is a pretty cool thing, a kid looking up in the sky each night for the moon. That's what Morgan Walter, 9, has been doing during this month that journeys from summer into autumn, bringing along with it all the thrill and dread of elementary school.

In an online, automated age, the fourth-grader's homework assignment - find the moon and draw a picture of it each evening - is an intimate chance to connect with the natural world.

The moon, though, is often just getting up when it's time to go to bed.

"I think it's just stressful when you can't find it," said Jennifer Walter, Morgan's mother.

So on one recent evening, it was into the car for mother and daughter, off together to scout their wooded Westford neighborhood for a glimpse of the rising moon.

Family time? Or family crisis?

Either way, helping elementary students with schoolwork has increasingly become a ritual of fall, a task that arrives home with the ubiquitous backpack and its contents: the homework packet. Parents themselves are often put to the test, helping stare into the sky, or to count coins with a first-grader.

The following is from a Boston.com Q&A with Child Caring writer Barbara Meltz:

Question: Hello! My 5 year old has starting telling white lies. It is so not like her and we discourage it -- but she continues to do it. Do you have any advice ?

Barbara Meltz: The telling of white lies tends to be linked to stage of development. For instance, at this age, a child typically lies to avoid punishment, get a material reward or to keep a promise.

While you want to send the message loud and clear that lying is not nice, even when it's a little lie, jumping on her for a lie tends to backfire because it frightens them so much, they become afraid to say anything, true or false.

Most kids at 5 are able to see that lying is unfair and to label it as cheating. So my suggestion is to make sure that cheating, and lying, are not firmly established as family values. Then, don't accuse your child of lying; that tends to make him more entrenched. Try this instead: "I'm not sure if you are telling the truth. Before you say anything else, I want you to think some more about this."

Because your goal is to help him or her not to lie, a child needs to see you are understanding and approachable, so you don't want to jump down her throat.

Readers, weigh in on your opinion in our Comment section. If you have a question for Barbara Meltz, make sure to check in during her Boston.com chat on Monday, Sept. 29, at 1 p.m.

The following is from a Boston.com Q&A with Child Caring writer Barbara Meltz

Question: Hi, Barbara. Can you give any guidance on when to start allowing pre-teen girls to start shaving armpits and/or legs? My 11.5 year old is asking and although I had been thinking of allowing it at age 12, she is sprouting some armpit hairs and ... can you help? Is it one of those "when she asks, it's time" things? Thanks!

Barbara Meltz: I think you're partly right, but consider this: as innocent a behavior as this may seem, research shows that the sooner girls begin to engage in "grown-up" female behaviors, the more likely they are to assume that other behaviors are OK for them, too.

Your daughter is still a girl. I'm not implying that shaving her legs will make her promiscious, just that our celebrity-driven culture tends to rush girls these days.

I advocate for holding off whenever possible. There are some wonderful books on girls' development by Sharon Lamb and Lyn Mikel Brown, among others.

Readers, weigh in on your opinion on this one in our Comment section. If you have a question for Barbara Meltz, make sure to check in during her Boston.com chat on Monday, Sept. 29, at 1 p.m.

The following is from a Q&A with Child Caring writer Barbara Meltz:


Question: Hello! I'm stumped by my 2-year-old toddler right now, who is acting very destructive. I can anticipate him throwing toys when he is mad, but lately he seems to want to throw, dump, stomp on, kick, and scatter toys for fun (he laughs). It's a problem in group settings when he turns into Godzilla. How to handle it? Thanks!

Barbara Meltz: At this age, it's all about your reaction. He's moved into a new level of cognition and he's testing out limits, as well as cause and effect: "If I throw this toy, what will mom do? What will she do if I stomp on it?Wow, this is fun, I can really get a reaction from doing this!"

I don't mean to imply that it's evil-intended. Really, he's just feeling his oats and testing his environment. So the best response is to be clear ("Throwing and stomping toys is 'no'. If you can't play without throwing toys, you won't be able to play with that toy."); calm (remain matter of fact in tone and facial expression; the bigger your reaction, the bigger the sense of power he gets from evoking it); firm (when he does whatever it is, calmly take the toy and put it away in a closet where he can't get it.

Tell him, "When you are ready to play without breaking that toy, you can try again." And then here's the toughest part: you have to be willing and able to tolerate his tantrum, because he will tantrum until he sees that you are serious.

In group settings, behaviors like these are likely getting a rise out of his peers, which become reinforcement not so much because he's bad or a trouble-maker but because of the cause-and-effect: if I do this, then they do that. So even in a group setting, you want to keep the same limits and consequences.

Be sure, by the way, at some point that you offer him a reason why these behaviors are no: the toy will break and then he will never be able to play with it again; someone or something could get hurt.

Readers, weigh in on your opinion on this one in our Comment section. If you have a question for Barbara Meltz, make sure to check in during her Boston.com chat on Monday, Sept. 29, at 1 p.m.

(The following is from a Boston.com Q&A with Child Caring writer Barbara Meltz.)

Question: How much computer time should I allot my 8 year old? He's been obsessed with video games, but I thought if I maybe curb it to two hours a day, I'd feel better about his health.

Barbara Meltz: I don't blame you for worrying. ... By your question, your son is obviously spending more than 2 hours a day on it, and that's cause for concern. I think even 2 hours is a lot at this age, if it's all in one stretch.

Rather than simply lay down the law, however, lay out your concerns for him: that too much computer time takes away time spent playing with friends; getting exercise; reading a good book. That it's also potentially bad for the eyes and for the body and that it can be addictive.

See if you can't agree together on a set of rules for when/how much he uses it. That you are seeking his input on this will make him feel you respect him, which will be something he will appreciate.

Readers, weigh in on your opinion in our Comment section. If you have a question for Barbara Meltz, make sure to check in during her Boston.com chat on Monday, Sept. 29, at 1 p.m.