Hmm...when I was growing up the answer would have been "No" and any response would have been answered with "Because I said so", maybe there's some wisdom to not trying to rationalize or explain every little decision to your children.

What about just being a parent, for crying out loud, and saying "no, we're not getting you that this year". No further explanation is needed. I think that's a huge problem with many parents today - they feel the need to justify their decisions to their kids. Only a spoiled brat would persist in whining about how much they neeeeeeeeeeeed an expensive item like that, when they probably already have a game boy/DS/psp and a regular Xbox or other video game system.

Parents should not have to explain their decisions to their kids when it comes to a gift. They should be taught to feel blessed to have family and food and shelter.

I totally agree with you OTC. I couldn't even ask my parents for a present. I once asked my mom for a pair of jeans in 9th grade and I was crying out of fear before I was done asking.

I hope I don't raise a child that "wants" and "needs" and xbox for his/her b'day. Earn some positive points with good behavior all throughout the year and we'll think about "a" present for you..

Why does everything have to be so gosh darn complicated? Just say "no, that's too expensive". He's 10 years old, surely he's figured out by now that some things are just not in the family budget. And if he hasn't yet, well, that's a much bigger problem.

There is a time to explain it to your kids, but you should also tell them it is nice to want, but that doesn't mean that you get what you want even for your birthday. And that wanting something is not bad, and it is not bad if you don't get what you want. It is a good time to talk about saving for something big and also how keeping up with the Jones is not a way to go through life. Gosh there were many times that I had things on my birthday and Christmas list and never got them and it didn't kill me. And many of my friends had the "cool" clothes etc and were wearing "Units" remember those clothes and Benetton they were on my list but I didn't get them. Big deal.

The parents should be able to say "no, that's too expensive" but it depends on how gifts have been given in the past. Maybe it wasn't an expensive gift in the past and the child doesn't think it's unreasonable request. If that's the case then some explanation should be given. My parents often told us "that's too expensive" and it was accepted. But once my mother became angry at me and suddenly said "That's it! No more piano lessons. They're expensive and you don't deserve it." Considering I'd be taking lessons for 6 years and she had never threatened to end them before this was a surprise to me. Years later when I looked back on it I realized things were tight and she was embarrassed to tell me that we couldn't afford the lessons.

Don't buy the XBox and and don't justify it either. Every struggling student I work with talks non-stop about the hours they spend on video games.

Crying out in fear of asking for something from your parents? What a nice way to grow up. I would rather have the parent concerned for my feelings. They at least get it, you are only young once, they get joy out of giving a gift a child wants. I think most chidren don't realize how much things costs. Another way this 10 year old could get his x-box is to work a little...maybe find some yard work around the neighborhood. I am sure people are cutting back on landscaping - a few weeks helping out some of the neighbors may help out towards his gift and make it much more special to the child as well.

Seriously, you're worried about rationalizing a $300 gift to a kid? Try teaching him what is and isn't appropriate for a birthday present. Watching some Suze wouldn't hurt, either.

I think it is very ligitimate to have a discussion about why she doesn't want to buy and X-box. This is how kids learn to make decisions. What does "No, because I said so teach a child about decision making?" I wouldn't buy my 10 year old an X box for other reasons but I don't just say no, I discuss why I don't think it is a good choice at this age.

I wouldn't mention losing my job. That is scary for me to even contemplate let alone a child but I would say that everyone is having a tough year financially and right now you need to save your money for other things.

Can he start saving his money and then eventually he can get what he wants, maybe you can go in on it together?

Seriously. Saying that you can't afford it is enough. If you already told them that they would get it, then you may need to let him down gently. If your child expects to get what he wants without question, time to back the parenting train up and fix a few learned misconceptions he learned about life.

I think the "No" scenario doesn't work here for a couple of reasons:

First, the fact that the parent is asking says that this is an unusual situation, that is, they typically would allow the kid to ask for and get the Xbox. Whether you agree with it or not, that's been their parenting style. To just up and change that without explanation would be unreasonable and cause a different set of problems.

Secondly, it's a good opportunity to start teaching the kid about the difference between what you want and what you need. A ten year old can see his parents' concerns and needs to understand what's going on.

BTW, my parents were of the "just say no/because I said so" sort and I think it caused me great anxiety and taught me little about adult responsibilities. Including the kid in the conversation is likely to teach him more than treating as if he is too dumb or too spoiled to get it.

I agree with the "who's the parent" idea with respect to not having to explain every adult decision to a child. I can't stand to listen to my sister over-explain everything to her 5-yrs old.

Nonetheless, the author doesn't seem to go too far in trying to explain the reason - and perhaps the request of the child is a good chance for a little education for the kid.

The demands don't stop. It doesn't matter what you buy, there's always a request for something else. Personally, I never hesitate to say "Yes" to everything, with the caveat - "When you are able to buy it for yourself" or if it's something I disapprove of, "When you are 18, and are responsible for your own decisions".

Such great feedback! Yes, just say "sorry that costs a lot of money" and perhaps suggest if he truly wants an xbox that he start doing odd jobs around the house or asking the neighbors if they need leaves raked, snow shoveled, dogs walked etc. What ever happened to kids earning what they want?? Enough with the spoiled kids already!

Don't ask me to comment on the spoiled PARENTS of today. I grew up in Dorchester in the late-1940's - early-1950's when a new baseball was a BIG gift. I would never ask for a gift except from Santa Claus and then I was coached to what was to ask for (and affordable) like said baseball. Kids should learn to earn money by doing chores for neighbors like shoveling sidewaks and driveways and mowing lawns to pay for their expensive "Must Haves".

This kid might be a bit spoiled asking for an x-box but I think parents would be remiss to miss this chance to demonstrate how a recession effects us at home. Kids might hear about the recession on TV and in school but it really hits home when they can't have something they want because jobs are shaky and the economy is in tough shape. "because I said so" isn't always the best route, especially when you can educate your kids about finance.

That being said, asking for an x-box for a birthday is a bit much. My parents would have just told me no, whether it was in the budget or not.

"If, when you ask him if he's heard about it, he says, "No,'' then I would start by giving a brief explanation: Well, our country is having what's called a recession. That means that people don't have as much money to spend as they used to. You might hear some of your friends talking about it." See if he has questions, then seque into your family....."

Classic pablum from the more money than brains crowd.

You don't. That is a subject for adults. If things got so bad that you had to move or sell the house...etc, then you would have to explain to your son why your lives are changing dramatically. This is not an important enough issue for you to have to go into detail about your situation at work. Here is a phrase you can use " I'm sorry son, as much as I would like you to have the x-box, its too expensive and we will not be buying it for you anytime soon." If this doesn't work and he proceeds to have a melt down, then have his dad open up a fresh can of old- fashioned whup ass. Just kidding. But seriously, that is pretty much all you need to say.

I'm in agreement that a "No" response for the birthday gift is fine without explanation. We tell our daughter all the time that wanting things is fine, we all do, but we don't get everything that we want.
HOWEVER, if a parent is very likely going to lose a job, that is going to impact the family a lot more than just the birthday and warrants some conversation. Maybe the Xbox can be the conversation starter. "We are going to need to cut out some of the extras to make sure that we have the things that we need . . . " or something along those lines. Make him feel included (to an age appropriate point, of course), and don't try to hide what's going on. A 10 year-old will certainly feel the stress, so be open about it, otherwise he may fill in the blanks on his own.

I agree with all of the posters here. I'm a Mom to 2 children. I would never go into a long discussion on ADULT matters with a child who is expecting an expensive gift. The answer is "Sorry, honey. I know you were looking forward to it, but it is just not going to happen. That is a very expensive unit and if I can afford it in the future, you cannot call it your own. Something that expensive is for the "house". Think of something else." End of story. Stop catering to these spoiled brats! Gosh, you wanted a kid now be a PARENT! Handle the adult stuff on your own.

I just love the "no because I said so" crowd - go ahead, tell us how you walked barefoot in the snow 12 miles to school, uphill each way . . . and please realize that your way of thinking is outdated, unless you want another generation of kids that can't and won't think beyond their own immediate wants and desires.

I will say, as a father of four, that I have found that there is some merit to including your kids in decisions that will have a greater effect on the financial well-being of the entire household - please believe me when I say that, if you do it right, you will find that you have caring, compassionate kids in the end. I'm not saying that you disclose the family's financials to the child, just that this can serve as a reminder that such a great expenditure has long-reaching effects for the rest of the family - and yes, it is a major expense for me and mine, and not one that's going to happen very soon. By being reasonable with your kids, you will find that you have reasonable kids, and that's been the best part for me.

And seriously, why do insults have to fly around in a discussion like this? I parent my way, your style may vary - no need to cut someone else down, this is a forum, i.e., an exchange of ideas. Or did I miss something along the way here?

Kids are more aware today because of the access they have to cable TV. Being honest is the way to go! Say, "Smart people know when to save and when to spend. Now is a smart time to save!" Kids appreciate honesty and this is a lesson that may stick for a lifetime.

Chrismixx- right on!

Chrismixx - you are so right! Why not give our kids the opportunity to show us how good they can be?!

Thank you MA and Chrismixx! The question was about how (or perhaps whether) to explain about the tight finances, not whether or not the parent should cave in to the child's wishes. Why is everyone talking about spoiling kids? Also, where do you live? In most of the suburbs of Boston, I can guarantee you it's not unusual for a child to ask for an Xbox--and many get them. In our family, we have never let our kids dictate their gifts or taught them that they get whatever they ask for. But, we have lost a job in our family, and we have told our 12- and 16-year-old that we have to scale back. You don't need to go into the details of the finances, mor do yo have to say I might lose my job,, but you can discuss the fact that times are tough right now and it's a good time to decide beteen wants and needs and how you can make do with what you have.

Chrismixx (and Barbara) - I totally agree. To all of the people who are up in arms about "spoiled kids" and "parents who explain too much" please spare us. There is nothing unreasonable about a 10-year-old wanting or asking for an x-box for a birthday gift...my 10 year old, when asked what he would like for his birthday, usually reponds with "can I get an x-box...or a Wii...or a dirtbike...or a cell phone...or an iPod..." etc. and many of his friends DO have these things already (whether they were purchased as a gift for the child or are "household" belongings is something I don't know). The answer from me is always a hearty laugh and a no, you can't have these things (or they're not in our budget, or you can buy them yourself when you get a job) but there is no need to think of him as spoiled for having a wishlist that includes things that many of his friends have.

I have always been honest with the kids about how much things cost and why something is or is not a purchase that I would make, I think it's our responsibility to teach our kids to be educated consumers. Our oldest earns points by doing extra chores or doing especially well in school and cashes them in for things that he wants to purchase...it's great to see him bargain shopping and checking craigslist or e-bay to get the best deal on an item he wants (this is the 10-year-old).

I also think that depending on the child, talking about the current ecomony makes good sense. We have recently talked openly about how my dad will push back his retirement another year or two because their retirement investments aren't worth the same amount of money, that my husband and I are working more because our expenses have gone up, and when my husband has been laid off (more than once, unfortunately) we do tell the kids and let them know that we have to be more careful with money for a while. For worrywort kids this might not be a good idea but for my kids, they seem to take this in stride. We grew up knowing that my dad, a union member, would strike every few years and it meant a tight budget and more work for mom for a while, and that was fine. I think that especially with major things going on where kids will overhear adults talking, it's better to clue them in than to try to hide things.

@ " maybe there's some wisdom to not trying to rationalize or explain every little decision to your children."

With all due respect, I think that was mostly for the convenience of the parents, I don't think there was actually much wisdom in it. The kids aren't going to learn much about life if that's how you model decisionmaking to them. They also won't understand you or your motives and will not feel as close to you if you exclude them entirely from your reasoning for making decisions. I believe you should explain everything that you can explain to your children, with the understanding that your expplaining does not have the purpose of making you feel less guilty by "convincing" them you are right. You should feel secure in your decisions, then explain the parts that you have decided are developmentally appropriate for your kids. YOu are trying to teach them how to live effectively, right? Sop jsut telling them "no" and "because I said so" is not going to do the trick.

"an x-box...or a Wii...or a dirtbike...or a cell phone...or an iPod..."

Well, first of all ma'am, when did requesting gifts become acceptable behavior?

Furthermore, I'd like to add that, yes, perhaps your child is no more spoiled than his peers. However, overall American society today, adults included, is *much* more spoiled than it was a generational ago. Nowadays, not being able to afford a color television is a sign of poverty. Literally - those at what we consider the poverty line, can still afford and demand TVs. How is that not spoiled?

The first comment, to say no to the child and nothing else, is the type of poor communication that leads to ill-informed decisions later. Every opportunity to teach children empowers them to deal with later difficulties. The less explanation offered to them in situations such as this, the more likely the children will handle it wrong as adults. I grew up in a family where because-we-said-so was the rule of the day. The lack of practical knowledge gained through mentoring contributed to many needless mistakes, in many cases the same ones my parents made and doubtless learned from. From love to investing, why didn't they teach their lessons to us? I'll never understand it.

@student
If the parent asks, "Junior, what would you like for [insert event here]?" and Junior responds with his wish list, it's acceptable. The parent asked, the child answered. Now it is up to the parent to take his or her child's wishes into consideration. (Not necessarily to to provide anything on the list, just to remember what Junior wanted.)
Is it not better to ask what a child wants than to risk buying something that the kid doesn't particularly want or need, that will rot in the corner of his/her room? If there's no obligation to provide the things a child wants, there's no harm in asking, and if you don't think anything on the list is appropriate, well, you're back to the beginning.

To student...you conveniently left out "when asked what he would like for his birthday" when quoting me. Most parents I know, including my own, decide that when their children get to be a certain age it makes sense to ask them for suggestions for what they would like for a birthday or holiday gift. Other than needed clothing or items that they purchase with their own money, my children only receive things on thier birthdays or Hanukkah/Christmas, so it makes sense to make sure that what my husband and I (and our relatives) choose to spend our money on is actually something that the children will use. That certainly doesn't mean that they get everything they want (not even close) but it ensures that I am not wasting my limited resources on things that I think they *should* like but actually won't - little else bugs me as much as people spending hard-earned money on gifts that my kids neither want nor need (and requesting "no gifts" doesn't help). I can give my kids all the books and art supplies in the world (my choice of gift when I was a kid) but if they're passionate about trading cards and Legos or would like a certain CD or video game, why is it inappropriate to say so?

As for the tangent on color TVs and poverty...what's the point? So if you're poor you're not allowed to own an inexpensive device that provides information and entertainment (used TVs are given away on freecycle and craigslist or sold for short money all the time and new ones aren't that expensive)? I grew up (a generation ago, when according to you we weren't spoiled) with a color TV in the house (eventually two of them oh the consumerism!), a game system (Atari, followed by Nintendo several years later) and things like boomboxes and walkmans...all shared among five kids - is that spoiled?

I think this recession provides a teachable moment for kids, but I also don't think that parents need excuses when they decide not to get their kids an expensive item. When I was a kid, my parents' big thing was, "When you get a job you can have whatever you want, but until then, we decide." I never remember asking for a particularly big ticket item for my birthday or Christmas, but I probably wouldn't have gotten it if I did. I asked for lots of stuff that I didn't get, and somehow I turned into a relatively well-adjusted adult. I did have all the Cabbage Patch Dolls I could handle, so I guess it all works out.

That said, this family might have to make important financial decisions in the coming future and their 10 year old is probably old enough to understand a little of it. They might need to cut cable tv or start renting movies instead of going out or whatever and I think it's perfectly acceptable to include their kids in that. If they are going to be making some changes, they need to tell him (in very basic terms of course) about recessions and that they need to make sure they have some extra "rainy day" money in case something happens. One year, my grandparents told my brother and I that Christmas wasn't going to be as big as we were used to because money was tight. We understood and didn't expect much, though I don't remember being disappointed. There's no shame in being realistic with your kids, especially if this recession has further reaching effects than an Xbox.

Forget the X-Box.

Get a PS3 instead.

It sounds like the problem with just saying "No" for this family is that it probably has never needed to be said before. This is a problem only the affluent needs to address. .. My 16 yr and 11 yr old boys have never had any video game system..and know at this point they will probably never get one until they can afford to buy one themselves..They really don't miss it either..since 100 % of their friends all have them..even those families that struggle to pay their rent/mortgage and heating bills always seem to have the "credit" to pay for these things..Sounds like the culture we're bringing our kids up in is the same reason why the economy is in such horrible shape..Called living beyond your means..Stop Buying your kids everything they want out of guilt!..Its not teaching them whats really important!

I think it's fine for a kid to wish. I ask my kids what they wish for, but they know that there's no guarantee that they'll get their wish. The question was "how do I explain to my kid that he's not getting an Xbox". IMO, the answer is 'Sorry, you're not getting an Xbox this year, what are some other things you'd like to have?" Depending on the kid, a short explanation of "it's not in the budget right now" might be OK, but I don't think it's essential. I certainly don't believe in a long-winded explanation of the economy and potential job losses. Maybe for a teenager, but 10 is still a little kid, really. And there's absolutely nothing wrong with saying "that's not right for our family" to requests for cellphones, etc.

When I was a teenager, my dad lost his job for two years. I noticed all the little things evaporating (the cleaning lady, the dermatologist for my acne, we started getting used items for gifts, the piano lessons, etc.) but, in my adolescent self-absorption, I never made the connection between these losses and my dad not having a job. I was just angry at them for taking stuff away. I never realized that they were borrowing from my grandmother for my school tuition -- let alone groceries! Now, 30 years later, I am so angry at myself for feeling this way. I really wish my parents had explained the situation to us. I think it would have made it easier for me to understand what was going on rather than just live in me-ville. I definitely think parents should explain, at a high level, not necessarily the nitty-gritty, what's going on economically with the family unit.

I don't think the issue is whether kids are generally spoiled or not. Generation after generation, we SHOULD want better for our kids. I know I want my 2 kids to have better than I had, I know my parents wanted that for me, and their parents for them. It's about teaching some appreciation for what we can give them and having enough respect not to question it too much when they can't. I think it's a good idea to teach the idea of the value of money and such to kids, but opening a can of worms about the economy and recession, in my opinion, will create more questions and anxiety in a 10 year-old than simply saying "it's not something we can afford right now." And if they throw a tantrum over that, then yes, time to lay down the hammer and get back to Parenting 101.

I did explain to both of my children that the cost of living has doubled over the past five years. The electric bill that used to be 100.00 per month is now 200.00 per month. The phone bill, fuel to heat our home, food have all doubled and has really taken a toll on our budget. When it cost twice as much to live as it did five years ago for necessities, the items they want us to purchase, need to be something that is absolutely necessary.
I explained to them everyone has to cut back. They were given a budget for back to school shopping and although it maybe nice to have a pair of jeans that cost 100.00, it won't leave you with much left over for shoes.
I have also explained to them, there are those who are desperately in need of food this winter. It is more important to help those get food than to be the best dressed or have the most video games.
Consider this - will it make them a better person if you get this item for them? Will it help them in the future? Will it help him help others in the future?
EVERYONE HAS TO CUT BACK, EXPLAIN TO YOUR CHILDREN MORE IS NOT BETTER........

"Well, first of all ma'am, when did requesting gifts become acceptable behavior?"

Wow, nice. Sounds like you get angry when your kids ask for a gift for their birthday.

I don't like to go overboard on presents - I agree that there's way too much materialism and entitlement these days - but I certainly wouldn't get mad at my kid for requesting a certain gift. If it's a reasonable request, I might say "we'll see"; if it's not reasonable, I'll say "no, that's too expensive." 'Nuff said. I don't think we need to explain any further than that.

My kids are 4 and 6 and they get one birthday gift, and a few christmas presents, and that's enough. It's two special occasions a year and it's nice to give a toy or something that we would otherwise not buy. They are learning what our usual gift allowances are like so they know what to expect. They may one day ask for some pricey tricked out video game system, because maybe their peers have one, but they will probably already know that they're not going to get it because we've already set a pattern of how much to expect. And they're learning that whining doesnn't change the pattern.

I am a step-parent of a 13-year old kid and every holiday she is bombarded by money and material things. We try to be thrifty as parents and say no to her but it's hard for us when grandparents and 3 families just shower her with money and gifts. She just had a b-day and blew $400 on an iPod from money she received from friends. At least we don't have to lay out the cash. It's want, want, want all the time and she's constantly perusing the Internet for clothing, etc. Just makes me sick.

CD

I don't think that a parent has the obligation to explain to his/her kids why they can't get a certain gift.. HOWEVER, why wouldn't you want to? I don't think that secrets are necessary in a family. Obviously, some things are not suitable to explain to a 10-year old..
BUT you don't want your children to be deathly afraid to ask you for something! It's normal to desire certain things, especially after a child. They should feel open about expressing that to their parents. But at the same time, you should explain to your children that some things are not possible, but not in a "BECAUSE I SAID SO" manner.

I want to opt out on Christmas. My husband was off work from a job related accident. My father passed in April this year, we had to pay for the funeral, now have to take care of mom, she gets just enough money for her car payments, insurance, gas and maintenance for the car, her health insurance, prescriptions. So her money is hers. We have to take care of her as far as housing, food, electric, water, garbage and etc. So we are strapped for anything for Christmas. Sunday, I said, well, I have to get the two kids something for Christmas, yep, Key Bank is charging me about $50.00 every 3 days for over-draft, I took the 4 gifts back to Wal-Mart that I purchased for my 2 Children for Christmas. Being charged from my bank unti;