The writer stated she was in a "very long term" relationship witht he father. Once you have dated someone more that a year it is pretty hard not to involve the child at some point. Once you have dated 2 years or more it is akin to lying to your child by not allowing them time to meet and get to know your "date/partner'lover/special friend". Even at 5 the child is going to figure out there is someone else in her fathers life.

As you suggesting waitng until you are engaged before even introducing them? Enganements can break off too and marriages end as well.

I am usually a fan of Barbara's advice, but have to disagree on this one! For those of us who are single parents, it's extremely difficult NOT to involve our children in our relationships. I have been a single mother for 5 years. How is one to actually spend time with your boyfriend/girlfriend without taking out a second mortgage to pay a babysitter? How is one to evolve the relationship past casual dating when you don't mingle one of the most important parts of your life with the boyfriend/girlfriend? The introduction is a test to see if he/she is worthy of spending time with your child(ren).

During my time as a single mother , I have had 2 serious relationships (one of which continues). My 8 year old son has become very attached to both men. I have been very careful not to involve them in my son's life until I deem them a good person, someone who cares about me and someone who would be a good role model for my son. In both cases, my decision has proven to be a good one. One of my ex-boyfriends is an attorney in the Boston area who has exposed my son to very positive things about his profession and taught him a lot. My current boyfriend has shown patience and adds quite a bit of fun to our home.

I think every situation is different. I think it's extremely important to have constant conversations with your child(ren) to measure their feelings about the relationship. I also think it's important to remind them that you will always be there.

As far as the reader who wrote in, I suggest asking the father if you can continue to spend time with her; although at a minimum. If this can't be achieved, give her a special gift (perhaps a book to draw in since she's so young) where she can express her feelings. This way, you'll be with her and she'll have an outlet for expresing herself.

Not to totally disagree here, but Stuck said this was a "very long-term relationship", so does not seem like this was a "new love interest". Urging the boyfriend not to involve the child with future girlfriends is a bit too cut and dry, because he will HAVE to do it sometime if that relationship is to have permanence. And that is impression I got from Stuck: it was a longterm relationship that appeared to have permanence, and then did not. Much like divorces. Your advice has merit, but not in this particular case.

i really hope this answer was just very poorly phrased. what i'm reading here is that you should never introduce your children to a significant other. i strongly believe that the person you've been dating for a month should NOT be taking on a close role with your child ... but the one that your with for months or years? things don't always work out and it's tough on all involved but we should never be afraid to take the chance. never involving your children with your significant other teaches them to be afraid to take a chance on people or worse - that they don't have a place in a new family you might form!

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As others have said, I think Barbara completely missed the mark here. Once a relationship moves beyond casual, of course the children must get involved.

To Stuck: I would treat it much like you would if you were getting divorced -reassure her that you care about her, and the breakup has nothing to do with her, but that you and her daddy aren't working out as a relationship. Assuming it's a relatively amicable breakup (and it's OK with dad), encourage her to call you if she'd like. Yes, it will peter out over time, but it will give her the reassurance that she's loved.

I agree with the writer. There are ways to have a romantic relationship and keep it separate from your childs life. The childs security is much more important. It drives me crazy to hear when people bring their kids into every relationship mess they have. It's just selfish!! I was a single mother for 8 years before meeting the man that would become my second husband. During those prior 8 years, I dated quite a few men, a couple of them seriously, and never once introduced ANYONE to my boy. If you know you're going to be married to the person, and only then is it a good time to bring someone new into the picture. It's also important to take things VERY, VERY slowly because it takes time (YEARS) to form a new happy blended family.

The way to handle this situation is for both the woman and her exboyfriend to sit down together with the child and explain that there are going to be some changes, that the adults will not be spending any time together and that she will not be seeing this little girl as much. Explain that you will miss her and are concerned that the situation will make her feel sad. BE compassionate and loving and honest.

It may be appropriate to schedule some visits with the little girl that tail off after several months to transition her to not seeing you.

All of this is contingent upon having a conversation with the ex boyfriend about what would be best and easiest for the little girl. It's not an easy situation when you are dealing with a youjng child, but it can be done well. Leaving the situation unexplained to her and with no transition is unnecessarily hard on a 5 year old.

Good advice from Barbara and the "experts". If you live in a vacuum. This is only possible if you are just dating for sport and not trying to rebuild a normal life and dating is a test case for re-establishing a family unit. If you don't eventually introduce the person you are dating to your kids they will think you are hiding something from them or you are ashamed of the person you are dating.

I whole-heartedly disagree with Barbara. I was a single parent from the time my son was three years old (through divorce). My son was always introduced to everyone -- my friends as well as my dates. Some have stayed around to become life long friends, some have not. "Dates", "Boyfriends", "Girlfriends" are, after all, FRIENDS (we hope) and wouldn't you want to meet your child's friend's, too? You just explain to your child if something happens -- be honest! The child still has their parents. I'd suggest STUCK continue to see the child a few times and just let the relationship end naturally, just like it probably did with the child's father. And every now and then, give the child a call to say hello, or send a car, birthday or holiday. Just because a friend moves on, doesn't mean they don't think of you now and then.

I have no experience as a parent, but I have experience in breakups!! I have about a 50% success rate in maintaining friendships with exes. I would like to say to this kid...: your dad and I need to stop being a couple; we know that we will never get married, so we need to take a break from each other & I won't be able to see you for a while. But... I sure won't forget you, and I hope when you're bigger (target year, anyone???) we can do things together again. Maybe your dad and I will be friends someday, too.

Yes that's a little complex for a 5 year old, but it's the idea. I like the coloring book...

I don't know how long the woman is considering 'very' long. However my mother was in a 'long' term relationship with a gentleman when I was a very young child. He looked at me as a daughter and even though they broke up when I was very young he stayed a consistent part of my life until his death.

This was something my mother agreed with as she understood how attached he had become.

Depending on the father's decision, the relationship with the child doesn't necessarily have to end. An agreement for visitations and present giving on holidays and birthdays is a possibility. Given the understanding that there are no legal rights.

I agree with other readers that if this was indeed a 'very longterm' relationship (the little girl is only 5, I am guessing 'Stuck' means more than a couple of years). Barbara states " The issue for the child, of course, is that she forms attachments and then the people disappear, making her more and more relationship-adverse each succeeding time, including, potentially, in her own friendships." So using your own logic it is much more damaging to cut this poor little girl off cold turkey. I am a social licensed worker, and In my book 'kid years' are like 'dog years', 1 year is like 7 years when you are a little child. Why can't 'Stuck' maintain some type of relationship with this little girl? Isn't that what the Big Brother, Big Sister organization does? If overtime they relationship peters out, so be it. From what I am reading 'Stuck' seems very attached to this little girl and vice versa-and what child under any circumstances doesn't benefit from a positive relationship with a loving supportive adult?

Perhaps keeping a relationship with the daughter is worth trying after all?

First, having an adult that is "emotionally available" is better than none.

Second, even if it does "peter out" after awhile, is that not more gentle and less damaging to the child than an abrupt termination?

Sorry Barbara, I also disagree, If Stuck is the only positive female in this child's life, how can she just walk away? Perhaps she can make some kind of arrangement to visit once in a while, perhaps take the child out to the park or for lunch. At least then she could get a sense of the child's well being. Yes its true it might eventually peter out, but at least initially it could soften the blow of the break-up and help the child feel less confused and powerless. I hope whatever Stuck does, she does it with love.

Barabara your advice is totally impractical in today's world. I have heard of single mothers taking thier kids on first dates with them, yes I would have to say your advice would apply here. But after you have dated someone for awhile and you honestly believe it is going some place you want to involve your children. How horrible would it be to your kids if you go to them one day and say "Hey I am getting married, you don't know her/him but..." That is crazy.

I have been through the break up, you explain the situation and life goes on.

From a daughter's perspective, I can say that my parents could have spared me from meeting a couple of their sig. others. (My parents split when I was in elementary school.) Bottom line is, they aren't your parents, and until you think they are going to be a potential step-parent... it's best to not involve your kids in that part of your social life.

OK, even Barbara can have an off day, I guess. Not only was the advice impractical, but she didn't even answer Stuck's question.
I would say that it's VERY important for Stuck to set aside a time to say goodbye to the little girl in a formal way.

Just like in a divorce situation, kids tend to think that breakups are their fault, because they did something bad, etc. It's wicked important that Stuck reassures her that it was NOT her fault, that Stuck loves her and will miss her. Instead of saying "Stuck and Daddy are breaking up", which a 5-year-old couldn't understand, it might even be better to say you're moving away, or something that she CAN grasp. Maybe not..... But I hope Stuck will tell her boyfriend that if the little girl really misses her after some time goes by, she could still take her out once in a while.

I too was a single mother but I have to agree somewhat with Barbara's advice here. I think that unless someone looks like serious marriage material (as in you're engaged or seriously talking about it) it's prudent to not let your children become attached to your significant other or let them fantasize about their future with your SO as part of the picture. Unfortunately children from split-up parents, especially young one, still desperately look for happily ever after. Obviously you can't keep your relationship shrouded in secrecy but I think that when you are a single parent and are dating, keep your romance "adults only" and if you do stuff that involves your SO and children, the tone should be one of friendship and should mimic what you would do with other adult friends so that they don't prematurely attach a lot of significance to that one person. No PDAs in front of the kids, no playing house together, and don't even get me started on overnights and living together!

I am now married and for the first year that I knew my husband (who was a single father of a young child too) we were just friends and our kids were friends and thought of us as their friend's mom and dad, not mom or dad's boyfriend or girlfriend. When we started talking about marriage we let the kids in on everything and things turned out well, but we really thought long a hard about it and considered how big a step this was and how high the stakes were for our kids. He is the only guy I dated who I introduced to my son I can't imagine how hard it would be for a child to not only have their parents not be together but then have other adults come in and out of their lives as well.

I agree with Barbara here. This comes down to one simple thing. Do you put your children before yourself or do you put yourself before your children? All the comments above are self serving excuses to put yourself before your children.

I'm afraid with the amount of "Polygamy by installment in todays' society your advice is wasted. I think our value system needs to be ratchetted back to when people took vows and meant them. The "let it all hang out, I need fulfillment" atitude isn't working.

I was once in Stuck's situation, with the genders of the adults reversed. It sucks. You grieve the loss of the relationship with the child even more than the loss of the relationship with the ex, since the child was an innocent bystander in everything that happened. In the end, time really does heal all wounds though.

In the interest of the child, I do not think it would be such a bad idea to see her after the relationship is over. More like gradually phasing you out over a period of months. You could take her for dinner, or play , or just talk on the phone on a regular basis at the start. Then less and less, until you are just sending b-day and holiday cards. Unfortunately, your ex would have to agree to this, and the girl's mother, if around. Even more unfortunately, adults tend not to care how deeply it hurts kids to have someone torn away and will give a flat out "no way", but if they care, that might be a good way to lessen the emotional shock to the kid. Of course, don't just end up being a free sitter to the ex.

These so-called "child development specialists" are a crock. And the writer said "a very long term relationship" -- what part of that does Barbara not understand???? Babs is being way to harsh here and I am deeply offended !!!! We have to fully understand how the "real" world behaves rather than what is published in some expert/specialists book/resume.

I am the stepmother to 3 fantastic children and I met them all when I was 8 months into my relationship with my husband. It was a slow/careful process getting to know them -- there is definitely a right and wrong way to interact with your partners children from a previous relationship, but NEVER introducing them is just ludicrous!!!! I have now been married for 3 years, and have known my stepchildren for 6 healthy years !!!!

And my advice to the reader is, talk to your boyfriend's daughter and help her understand that she is not the reason for the break-up and that you love her. If you can manage to do something special with her at least once a month, that will be beneficial as well. There is a reason why you were placed in this child's life, don't ever regret the bond you share with her!

And contrary to Barbara's harsh response -- a healthy break up is key to ensuring that this young girl will be okay -- because the healthy coping skills she will learn now will no doubt help her cope with the vast array of situations of stress that she will undoubtedly come across in the future.

Good luck!

I see so many people involve their kids in new relationships almost as soon as they begin. It's as if they want to play house again. After a while (when the relationship is moving in a more permanent direction) it's important for all to see how the dynamics of step children/parents are working. I know my ex-wife had a guy move in after a year, only to find that he really didn't care to care for kids. In my case, my fiance and my kids have a lovefest. Each would be heartbroken if we were to split. If the kids have strong parents to begin with, their reliance on the boyfriends and girlfriends of those parents becomes less significant, but no less hurtful if the relationship fails. Yes; to lose a close relationship with a valued parent figure is hard, but that seems to be the story of our lives.

Kath

I am sorry that “Stuck” and her boyfriend have broken up. It's never easy.
“Stuck” wrote, “I am very close with his 5-year-old daughter though, and for about a year I've been the only positive female role model she's had.”
“How do I say goodbye to her? “

First, sit down and set up an agreement about this issue with your ex-boyfriend. You could start with short visits with both of them. Then, you gradually walk away, continue with your friendship, or set up a new agreement. After you have agreed to this plan, both of you should sit down and discuss your breakup with his little girl. If permitted, you could give her a stuffed animal during this meeting.

Do not mention anything about how he should conduct his life with future girlfriends. Instead, you can mention that you got very attached to his five year old daughter. Also, you can bring up that his daughter gradually built up trust and confidence in you and your word. Stress the special bond that she and you share.

As a former teacher, I have seen and heard heartbroken children who have lost their “uncles” or “aunts”. Some of these people were the only stability in their young lives. These adults played football and/or went shopping with these children. Later, these adults left and never came back to say goodbye.

As a result, the child lost a role model, another person to talk to about “things”, and lost money for clothing and food. Some children "grieve" their losses for more than a year. Because of these lost relationships, some children blame themselves for the breakup or challenge the trust and commitment of others especially adults.

Wow! I cannot speak from experience on this one, but I have to agree with the other comments being posted here in disagreement with Barbara's advice. I can't imagine any single parent who is becoming involved in a serious relationship not wanting to involve the child in that relationship, once it gets to a reasonable point of seriousness and stability. Of course, if you felt like the dating relationship was rocky, and unlikely to survive, then it's in the best interest of the child to not involve him/her (and probably in everyone's best interest to end the relationship); however, if it's a promising relationship, and developing, then at some point you're going to want to spend more time with the partner, and not at the expense of the child (e.g., leaving the child with a different caretaker every time you are to spend time with your partner). Otherwise, it's not practical, and it's also like living a double life. Friendships end -- so should we not introduce our children to our friends, in the event that the friend may move away, become distant, die, etc....?

Probably case by case is the wisest advice here, but even a "long-term relationship" is not the same as a re-marriage or civil union, and I wish the above posters would have actually commented on how to handle the situation with the 5-yr old girl posed above. Maybe they couldn't, which seems to be the issue here to begin with. As a father going through a painful divorce I do not feel at all right or at liberty to live my life in a way that exposes my sensitive daughter to further risks of feeling loss and hurt, even though it would be much easier and convenient for me to do so.

I also think it would be good to hear from adults who went through such situations when they were children - would you rather that your Mom/Dad had never introduced you to their boyfriend/girlfriend, or was the time with this person worth the loss of them later on?

My adult daughter is newly engaged to a man who introduced her to his 4 year old son about a week after they met. I considered that very, very poor judgement on his part and it has colored my opinion of him ever since...even though we haven't met because they live a long distance away. I'll meet him soon, and am hoping that this was a fluke...although I have to wonder how many other women he's introduced to his son.

She didn't say "never" introduce the child. I think she means that you shouldn't let your child spend too much time with your SO so they don't become too attached. If this means no overnight stays when the kid is home, then get a babysitter. If this means you have to make extra plans around your children, then that's what you do. Getting together once in a while with the kids is cool, but it's not fair to let your kid get attached to someone, and then because you're not in love anymore, the kid gets hurt too. Sorry, folks, but your kid comes first. If it's inconvenient, I guess that's part of that whole "life's not fair" thing.

When you and your SO decide to make it permanent, then you involve the kids.

Barbara, 20 lashes with a wet noodle, as Ann Landers used to say when she screwed up. I agree that a single parent shouldn't introduce a child to every different potential love interest who comes around, but like the others have said, at some point, if the relationship is ongoing, NOT introducing the person borders on deception. And if it gets serious, what are you going to do then, say, "Hi honey, here's Tim. You've never met him, but he's going to be my husband next week." I really like the suggestion of a lasting (not necessarily expensive) gift, especially one that honors your bond, like a specil book you both enjoyed.

This a sad and common tale--she sounds like a real positive addition to a childs life. It is a real challenge to negotiate these waters. I think your advice seems a bit dogmatic--I wonder if it should have closer to fully and consistently reflect on the childs experience with your adult decisions. Clearly multiple losses is a poor idea, but cant a child also learn that their parent is human and is trying to figure out relatiosnhips? Do we have ot have it all figured out before we can introduce? That seems a standard few humans could ever meet.

I agree with all of the above writers, I too have been in two long term (4+ years), and wonder how do you compartmentalize your life, if someone is to become an important part of your life, part of that is being a part of your childs life. I agree that it can take sometimes a year or so to feel where the relationship is headed, but if you were to marry, do you just show up one day and say "hey, here's your new stepmother/father!!" , " i want you to trust me, but I have been hiding the only other person besides you in my life from you?" This is awful advice!!!!!!!AWFUL..totally insensitive in so many ways.

In the past 2 + years that my ex and I have been seperated, my ex has introduced our 6 yo son to 4 different girlfriends. Each time my son has gotten attached to these new women, only to have them walk out of his life after 3-4 months and never look back. One time was particuarly difficult as they were spending overnights there, my son had a room there, and my ex was talking about moving in with her. One day not long after they seperated, my son and I were on the way home from preschool when he said to me, "So-and-so doesn't like me anymore." And I had to explain that the break up had nothing to do with him. I was heartbreaking. My little boy has already had to deal with one of his parents leaving, and now he has to deal with new people coming in and out of his life. It is very sad.

When I started dating again, my son knew nothing about it. I planned my dating around the time that my child was with my ex. In fact the only reason my son even found out about my boyfriend was because someone on my ex's side of the family spilled the beans. Luckily this was after I had been with my boyfriend for many months and we were talking about eventually marrying. I finally introduced my son a little at a time. I let them become friends and we didn't have PDA's or show anything other than friendship for the first year. My boyfriend now lives with us and we are engaged. My son loves him and they are great friends sharing alot of common interests. I still have to deal with my ex bringing women in and out of my son's life, but I truly feel my new relationship is solid and that it is a safe place for my son to learn that not all relationships end in failure and hard feelings.

I think that STUCK and the father should each have a discussion with the little girl and let her know that none of it is her fault and STUCK should make it known that she cares for the girl and will miss her. Spending time together may or may not be appropriate, depending on the situation but I don't think it would hurt.

When parents choose to introduce their children to a S.O. they are putting their child at risk. Unfortunately, many people "fall in love" very quickly with the wrong people and for some people, like my ex, everyone is THE ONE. They will keep subjecting their children to failure after failure never seeing the damage they are doing by letting their child feel like they are "being left" over and over.

Thank you Barbara, I'm so glad to see someone stand up for the divorced kids out there and acknowledge that parents should put their kids before their social/love lives. There is so much appalling and selfish behavior out there and it really hurts kids and builds insecurities.
There is a difference between kids meeting someone when they are picking you up for a date, or at a big group event, which is a nice way to not be "mysterious" about your life, to forcing a relationship upon a child which is essentially what you are doing when you include the child in one-on-one social events with the person you are dating.
I also don't buy this "can't afford a babysitter' argument. Find another single parent to trade sitting with if you can't/won't spend the money on a sitter or limit dating to when they are with their other parent. Your kids are worth the investment.
And above all, no "sleepovers". You may like waking up with your honey but it is entirely inappropriate for your children to be there - it makes them very uncomfortable (my kid's dad has done it so I know) and it also communicates the wrong values. I've had several relationships since my separation/divorce, people I cared about and was proud to be with, but I am very glad my kids did not form attachments to those individuals who are likely not to be in my life for the long term. Put your kids come first, they'll be out of the house sooner than you realize.

Not realistic advice!!!!

How are you going to prevent your kid from getting to know a long term love interest? You can't compartamentalize life so easily for such a long period of time. Eventually, all aspects of your life tend to intermingle with each other. You can't keep your kid away from a boyfriend/girlfriend forever.

I agree with Mom2, I thought being a Mom or Dad was to put your children first,
I know everyone has their own needs, but I believe Mom & Dads should be
unselfish, and when having a relationship with a "new" person to take things
slow. Some of these kids are already suffering from losing a significant other
to either some type of separation or divorce, why would you make them suffer
again if a "new" relationship does not work out. There are some women out
there that introduce their children too early and once the person has entered their
lives they feel pressured to stay for the sake of not hurting the children and all the
drama that comes with a separation. Which makes for a unhealthy relationship
between the two adults. I believe adults can date, but keep it at a safe level,
where there is not a live in partner, maybe I'm old school but I think its safer than hurting a child over again.