I have to disagree with your advice to let them work it out, particularly when it is the older brother who is being the aggressor here. The 12 year old _is_ at a particularly vulnerable time, and she does not need to be taught that constant putdowns and sarcasm are appropriate and only to be expected - at least from guys. If her own mother does not protest, what is the girl to think, except that maybe she deserves this treatment? And what is the boy learning? It is okay, and maybe even expected that he treats women this way. You are not doing a service to either one by ignoring the behavior.

I think the mom needs to insist that the son behave civilly. C'mon, we are the parents. I have witnessed siblings being so mean to each other and I have witnessed cordial relations. I have zero tolerance for my older child picking on, mocking or being mean to my younger. Especially because this doesn't sound like it's been going on forever -- just parent him and lay down the law. Take away privileges, allowance, sports, whatever it takes. It's OK to be the grown-up.

Welcome to my world...the moment my son turned 13 he started picking on my daughter-now 2 yrs later it still goes on- and yes they are both 'egged' on by me being upset. She is now 10 yrs old....She screams on purpose when he just walks by her - tells him to stop when he isn't doing anything ! My sister was 18 yrs older than me- i grew up alone basically-My husband tells me this is all normal 'sibling rivalry' I can't stand it. I am still waiting for it to end..and now we are about to adopt 2 sisters only to add more sibs into the picture.. LOL...
I do hope eventually they end up liking each other someday !

I don't agree that they need to work it out themselves,as parents we need to correct ill behaviour.He needs to now that he should respect his sister. This is the reason young men these days do not respect females because it is not taught in the home. A young man learns how to treat women by how he learns to treat his sisters, and mother. they might work through it but as a mother you can help.

Why does he resent her so much? As a mother your duty is to install character and morals, it is your responsibility to teach them. As long as they are under your house and your rules you need to be the main influence in thier lives.....Handle your business!!!

Yes, abusive brother now = abusive boyfriend/husband later! Get with the program, Barbara!

I have to say I am agreeing with many of the posters that say that the Mom needs to step in, and I would say if their is a Father (or father figure) in the picture he needs to step in to. The parents need to teach each their children how to interact with each other socially, not anyone else. If you allow this behavior to go on what does that say to the boy, that he can treat people like crap? What a rude awakening he will have when he meets up with others that don't share his view. This is the time to teach him that just because you don't like someone at the moment it does not give you the license to treat them like crap, it is time to teach them how to be civil. Sure his interaction with his sister may be polite and distant but that is far better than being treated to sarcastic responses. Things will change.

I have three sisters, one of which I did not get along with at all growing up. We had to be civil and respect each other we didn't have to be friends. Now that we are all grown up I am probably closer to her than the other two. But if my parents hadn't insisted on us being to civil and respectful I doubt we would like each other now.

Honestly, that was the same relationship I had with my older brother. We never really talked until recently, now that we're both in our 20s. I just always knew what response I would get from him and that was our relationship for our adolescent/teen years. Now, we're over it. We call when we have a question, text, and email each other frequently.

I don't really feel like I missed out on too much, we have a much better relationship now than we would have had if we were forced to talk/be friends as kids. We have an older brother that we could both talk to and it just wasn't a problem. Typically we handled ourselves when with the family.

It's up to the parents to make the 14 year old stop his bad behavior before he thinks it's allowable.

I'm 19 and my sister is 15. When I was around 13-15 and she was 8-10 we used to fight brutally. We'd say horrible stuff to each other all the time. Sometimes she started things, sometimes I did. Overtime, we just kind of chillled out. We started talking about all sorts of stuff and now she's sort of one of my best friends.

We worked things out but my parents helped a lot by telling us, over and over, that what we said to each other was really mean and really hurtful. Things will probably work themselves out, but only if you help them along by refusing to allow them to be brutal to each other Also, it sounds like this happened abruptly, close to the start of school. See if there is anything that is specifically bothering either one of them.

It's up to the parents to step in here and make sure that the kids interact civilly with each other. They may not like each other much right now, but allowing behavior like hurtful sarcasm or negativity will have long term repercussions for this relationship. They need to speak to each other respectfully, even if they disagree.

Excellent comments here! I agree--parents must step in and insist on basic respect.

I'd be worried. At the very least, I would not let anything that even smells anti-female or possibly abusive to pass, especially if it is said right in front of the mother. The Mom should be offended that a bigger stronger male is picking on a female. She needs to teach her son how to treat women and she needs to teach her daughter, by example, to demand respect and say no to offensive talk so that she will never accept abuse.
I grew up in a very anti-female environment and ended up married to an abuser. Now, in my fifties, I see that my brothers still have such a bad attitude towards women that when I call them on "sexist" remarks, they verbally and emotionally batter me. I have learned to distance myself from it but their lives are still affected negatively - all of them have trouble "getting along" with women, either in work environments, realtionships or both. This is important!

I think there are a few issues here. The first is the abuse your daughter seems to be taking. She is at a vulnerable age and she should not have to face this kind of abuse in her own home. The way the kids "manage" this is that he abuses her and she takes it. it sends a terrible message to her that her parents allow her older, more powerful, brother to treat her this way. It is her parents' responsibility to protect her from that. Moreover, what message are you sending to your son - that it's okay to treat females/younger people/weaker people/people not like you with disdain and abuse? Since this started close to the start of school, I wonder if he's getting peer pressure to behave like this. Now if the situation is such that your daughter can give as good as she gets then the issue is less about defending her and more about setting a standard for behavior for all members of the family. Kids should not be left to figure that out for themselves; Parents need to insist on and demonstrate civil, respectful behavior. You will not succeed in erasing every instance of bad behavior, but you will send the clear message that it is unacceptable - and that is the really important thing. Anything less, sets kids up to be abusers and bullies or abused victims.

I am stunned at the responses here. It is automatically assumed that the male is at fault and the female is the victim. They are BOTH young and they are BOTH vulnerable. Since boys develop a couple of years later than girls, they can both be considered at the _same_ developmental level. Holding the boy to a higher level of accountability 'because he is a male' is destructive and _that_ is what will cause anger issues later in life.

They should both be taught to act civilly and well towards each other, regardles sof gender.

Any notion of sexist comments like 'treat women better' or 'accept bad behavior from your sister because she is weaker' should be considered just that, sexist comments.

If the girl were the older one and being cranky towards her brother - how many of you would have bothered to post? Would any of you have come to the defense of the boy?

I have to agree with most of these comments -- the parents need to step into the picture. Sometimes this type of thing works itself out...unfortunately, sometimes they do not. The older boy is bullying the younger girl, plain and simple. He needs to be taught that it is not okay to pick on, and otherwise be aggressive to someone smaller and more vulnerable than himself. This should not be seen as an example of excessive parenting or excess parent intervention.

I would guess that most of the previous posters are mothers. I would further theorize that some of them had older brothers. I think it is safe to assume that some of these comments are based on their personal experiences with older brothers and their wish that an adult had stepped in to protect them.

If your son physically hit your daughter you would intervene. Well, he is hitting her – it just so happens that he is using words. You and his father need to explain that what he is doing is not okay and will not be tolerated. Good gravy, why is this not obvious to the “expert”?
anon

Terrible advice Barbara; time to rethink your interpretation of this, and mom perhaps time to seek some real professional advice. The boy's behavior is unacceptable. Saying to them "work it out" is interpreted by the boy that it is acceptable and by the girl as the problem is not important enough for the parents to bother intervening. Yes adolescents need to take an active role in mediating their relationships, but only after the skills have been taught, modeled and expected. I see trouble ahead if the adults in this case do not take a more active role.

Father of 4 (G.G.B.B.) born in 5 years weighing in. Parents must DEMAND respect be shown to maintain sanity in the home, but also have to expect sibs will fight over nothing. Mine did but would unite to defend each other against any outside attacker. Now that they all graduated college and are starting families of their own, they are such best friends that people ask how we did it... I shrug.... who really knows.

Good advice everone!!!!!!Parents ae a child's first teachers step up.Set the tone.

I agree with others that a parent needs to step in. Ay 14, the boy is probably getting interested in girls and taking his frustration out on his sister. I'm not a psychologist but I was a teenager. That the girl takes it is worrisome and that the mother does nothing to stop her son from bullying his sister is moreso. Children learn gender roles from their parents and take cues from them on what is acceptable behavior. I agree with using "I messages" to a point. But not in this case. The bottom line is that saying "it is NOT ok to speak to your sister like that" is much more clear that saying "I don't like it when you speak to your sister like that" because a 14 year old boy probably doesn't care too much what his mother likes.

I agree that the behavior needs to be addressed, but I think before assuming that it is all the brother's fault, a conversation and a look at what is happening in the family needs to take place. I am disturbed by all the posts that have jumped to the conclusion that it is all the boy's fault with just a few sentences from above. I am a mother with 2 sons and a daughter and I certainly would not want anti-female behavior or abuse from my sons towards any girl or woman. That being said, I know that respect goes both ways and that behavior of one person towards another has root in many issues. Pre-adolescent girls often have there own attitudes that can be unappealing towards others, as can teenage boys.

I agree with #14. Why is it automatically assumed that it's all the boy's fault? I know my sister was pretty good at baiting me and laying traps and doing things that I would get blamed for because I was the boy. They first need to find out the WHOLE story and not just immediately assume that because he's the boy he's the bad one and that girls can do no wrong.

Art,
I think you are missing the point. The reason people (or me, at least) are concerned about the boy's behavior is not because he is male, but because he is the older (and likely bigger and more powerful) child and that as the older, more mature child he has a higher level of accountability than the younger one. Also, the mother indicated that it is the boys who is the sarcastic, rude one, that wasn't an inference. Of course, she could be wrong, but that's the information we're operating with.

As an oldest child myself, I will admit, it was a pain in the ass always to have to behave better than the younger ones, But my parents were right to demand it - my conduct had enormous impact on my younger siblings and was an example to the younger ones. And I learned a lot about behaving well even when provoked - believe me, it's a lesson that has helped me as an adult.

It's easy to assume the brother is at fault, but what else is going on? Youngest children frequently get special treatment from parents, particularly if the youngest child happens to be the only girl. Middle children on the other hand often feel neglected. They're not special as the oldest or as the youngest.
Meanwhile, what could the daughter be doing to bait the son? As my mother always said, it takes two to fight, odds are she's just as guilty as the son is.

Definitely intervene. When my sister started to treat me like that (younger sister, too, believe it or not), my parents kept brushing it off as a phase. Now, almost ten years later, she still treats me with absolute disrespect, and my parents just shrug it off and say that at least we don't live together anymore.

And it doesn't just affect the two siblings involved. My older brother still feels as if he has to mediate everything, and it's put him into the role of father, which has put a strain on his relationship with both of us. So, please, definitely intervene. Don't put up with the behavior.

Here's what I would do. 1) take them each aside and ask how they feel, what's going on and what triggered it (in their heads). 2) let it go as long as no one is being truly abusive - calling your sister stupid is NOT abusive - unless it is done all day every day without anyone telling her she's not stupid. My brother called me stupid all the time. 3) pay attention to how they react OUTSIDE of the house - if this behavior continues, worsens, or is really really visible do something 4) pay SUPER SPECIAL attention to the daughter - it is VERY likely that she's starting the whole thing, girls are SNEAKY and MEAN. I can say this because I am/was one. It is very likely that she's doing something under the radar and the boy is just reacting above the radar and not at all out of the blue.

Great, another date rapist and sexist pig in the making. "Let them work it out" means "let the boy learn that he can treat people - especially women - like this". I think this is excellent training for somebody who will have a life of abuse issues and sexism and homophobia if you ask me, but only because I've seen it happen with brothers of friends and young relatives.

When my 13 year old son treats his 11 year old brother this way, he gets consequences. When my 11 year old gets disrespectful to me, his brother, or his father, he gets consequences. When he talks about a girl or boy in his class this way, he is constantly reminded that, while he doesn't have to put up with other kids being abusive, their lack of manners isn't a license for him to be abusive.

I was not sneaky and mean as girl. More than anything I wanted friendship with my older brothers and would bask in any scrap of positive attention I received from them. I was basically ignored (and still am) by my oldest brother and picked on by the other. There may have been some jealousy going on but I wasn't provoking it. I would have loved some true intervention from my parents that encouraged a good relationship. At least we are cordial to each other now but not at all close.

I agree that it's probably not entirely the older child's fault. Talk to them both. It's likely just a phase, and they are going to fight no matter what, but if you have a good talk with both about why they are so mad at each other, you'll have fewer problems.

One of my brothers is 5 years younger than me, and there was a good 5 year stretch where we fought constantly- hitting, screaming, calling each other names, etc. Don't ever baby one more than the other when they are fighting- that will only make it worse (and is probably a cause of the problems). As soon as I moved out to go to college, all problems seemed to disappear and we're great friends now.

it is sibiling rivarly everyone goes through it there is absolutely no way to ignore it
I am 21 and come from a family of 7 which consists of 2 girls twins (i am one)and the rest are boys ranging from the ages 32-13 as long as it doesnt get physical my parents would let us batlle it out in a civilized matter when you have 7different personalities things can get a little out of hand .Now i notice with my two children 3-5 the 5 yr old pics on her brother constantly get out of my room,dont touch my toys its normal as long as there is nothing physical

I agree with Delilah-agressive brother now=abusive boyfriend/husband later! The parents need to step in and fast. The mother doesn't say what the little girl is doing - only that the boy is aggressive and negative. Even if the 12 year old eggs him on, he's in high school for goodness sake or grade 8 at the least-grow up and get over it! It's interesting that Mom frames the situation as he is "affronted" by her, not my daughter is being verbally attacked by my son!! Also, where is Dad? Is the son modeling aggressive disrespectful behavior he is witnessing by the male rolemodel of the household? Play the bad guy. Take away the Nintendo DS and hockey practice; the ballet lessons and telephone until everyone straightens up and flies right. It's really concerning that this has been going on for 3 months and Mom is confused about how to handle it..

# 14 lets be real if it were the other way arond I would have said the same thing I posted in #4....the boy is older. He should act older and give me a break about girls mature faster. If he is abusive now and it isnt corrected he will think he can be abusive later. Abuse is abuse if it's from a male or female.

It has nothing to do with gender....everything to do with be safe and respected in your home.

I think we need to hear more about the girl. Is she doing anything or is it truly just her presence? Its used easy for us to blame my son when the teen son and daughter verbally fight with each other. She is an unlikely instigator, but after a while we realized she was as much to blame as he.

"# 14 lets be real if it were the other way arond I would have said the same thing I posted in #4....the boy is older. He should act older and give me a break about girls mature faster. If he is abusive now and it isnt corrected he will think he can be abusive later. Abuse is abuse if it's from a male or female."

Good points. Preteen girls are *girls* - the assumption that they somehow "mature faster" than boys is just an excuse made up by people in a hurry to marry them off.

So your kids make sarcastic remarks toward each other? So what?

Unless the kids are firing guns at each other, this is a pretty ordinary situation. What brother and sister don't fight?

I would focus on whether either of them can get jobs when they grow up. It doesn't matter whether they get along with each other, but it will matter if they can't earn a living.

My two cents: I have a daughter who is "friends" with another girl who has always been allowed to treat her younger brother that way. The mom's philosophy was "they're kids, they'll work it out." My daughter was nice to the younger sibling despite the older girl's "orders" to not be nice to him. Now, at 13, the girl is a terrible bully and has been so cruel to my daughter that I am pulling her out of the school where they both go. The girl is a real "eddie haskell type" around adults but when there is no supervision, watch out! She's been taking it out on my kid for years and the mother doesn't want to know about it. Nip this uncivil behavior in the bud. It's NOT okay to treat ANYBODY that way.

Barbara's questions are good but I think that this mom is writing in because things have deteriortated to the point that it's affecting the family.

Mom you need to address it. Speak to both independently and then together.

As a younger sister who was emotionally, mentally and physically tormented by an older brother, I still resent my parents for not doing more to help me despite hitting my 30th birthday. I do not speak to my brother and haven't for many years; life is better for me that way. I still love my parents but I think that they suck for not helping me when I needed it and choosing to believe "boys will be boys."

Let them both know that it is not acceptable behavior and that if it does not stop immediately, that there will be consequences which will become more severe if it continues: go to your room, no video games, no tv, no cell phone, no sports, no friends over etc.

Don't underestimate emotional and metal abuse of your daughter and the road yoru son has started down when it comes to how he treats women!

Find their individual weakness and leverage it.

This all sounds so familiar... I was the youger girl with a big brother. We always fought nobody really did anything, sure we were spanked and such but when that didn't work nobody looked further to maybe try and find out why. My brother had started molesting me as far back as I can remember and inviting his friends to do it to me also. If I told him no he would beat me up so anytime we were in the same room we would go into violent rages... literally taking doors off the hinges. Now as adults with our own teenagers we can't be in the same room together. If your kids are fighting look closely it may just be sibling fighting... but make sure thats all it is... Parents should never turn a blind eye to sibling problems.