First, don't accidentally promise not to die until old! My dad did when I went through those questions at around five, and he died at 47--I was 20, so wasn't "angry" that he lied, but was just made aware that anything can happen.

I agree that a three-year-old shouldn't go to the funeral. My daughter figured out what death was right around four ("what's your dad's name" and knew it was different from grandpa's name). My grandmother died around the same time. I asked her if she wanted to go; she said no. My thinking is that three is probably too young to make that decision, and you know your kid the best. (We got the advice of a nursery school teacher to ask my daughter how she felt about going.)

Your first issues are going to be - 'Am I going to die too? Is it contagious?', then of course fear of losing you and your husband. We had all this when our cat died, luckily a friend of the family is one of the top child psychologists in the country and predicted this - she was right so we were prepared.

I would never bring a child to a funeral or anywhere 'the body' is displayed, you want to focus on the positive, how they were in life, all the good times, not have that horrible last image etched into their minds as a last remembrance. Do the 'party' afterwards where people will be socializing, comforting and reliving the good times of her life. Let your child know she was important to great-grammy and great grammy will always live in heart forever. Sometimes it's interesting to look around at these events and see all the people who wouldn't exist if it weren't for great grammy, it's usually a pretty big number and a great legacy!

Good luck and hugs to all!

No!! We must hide all negative realities of life to children at all time. The best way to raise a child it to raise him or her with the belief that nothing bad ever happens in life.

Rotten - Death is neither good or bad. It just is.

I grew up in a funeral home, and my childhood friends and I never really thought about it much. You knew what you loved wasn't there even though the body was there. It was only after childhood that my new friends thought it was weird and scary.

I use the balloon analogy. The soul can be seen or touched, so it's like air in a balloon and it bounces. Sometimes a balloon is punctured (accidents) and sometimes it leaks (illness), but usually after a long time there's no air, only a balloon. But what was is in the balloon that made it bounce is still there even though you can't see it. FYI funeral home and your local place of worship will also have literature for children explaining death.

I can't give advice either way. But if the body will be displayed, be aware that your child may remember it vividly -- for better or for worse. I went to my great grandmother's funeral when I was seven, and I still remember exactly what she looked like down to the pattern on her dress. This memory is not as jarring as it sounds; it's neither happy nor said, not even gross. But it shows that a child is likely to remember.

My great-grandmother's funeral is one of the few memories I have of her. I remember noticing at the funeral how much people loved her, and perhaps seeing her body cemented this memory.

I do not think or believe that our children should go through life thinking that nothing bad ever happens. It will make for a horrible shock the first time they have to deal or cope with adversity, They should understand that there are many phases of life, including death, (and realize that it is usually something that only happens to us after we have reached an old age). This is where we, as parents, have to use gentle gloves to show them how to resolve their sadness.

I certainly would not sit down and read them the daily news, but helping them learn about things that are normal (rather than sinister) is a good idea.

We just had my grandma's funeral this morning and we did bring our 2 1/2 y/o to the church and cemetary servies. The priest was actually happy to see her and commended us for bringing her. We've been to church before so I don't even think she thought it was different.

I have to say right off -- I definitely agree that a child who is almost 3 years old should be kept from the services as they are just way too young.

But, I want to say that older children should definitely be included whenever possible. When I was about 11 years old, my grandfather passed away and my parents didn't allow me to go as they felt I was too young. I have never truly felt so left out as I did that day, sitting at home with my younger sister. I did go to the gathering afterwards, but it wasn't the same and it wasn't enough. So, when my mother passed a few months ago, I gave my daughter (who was 9 years old at the time) a choice as to what she wanted to go to, made sure she knew what to expect and had someone there who could remove her when she needed a break. Older kids shouldn't be protected from death and dying - it is a sad but natural fact of life.

I think the age that is appropriate depends on the child and the life that they have lived. When my mother-in-law died my 5 yr. old went and I think it was good for him to hear the loving and emotional eulogy that I delivered. A friend that is a grief counselor told me that too many parents today shelter their children from the realities of life and the inevitable death. My young boys read stories and poetry to their grandmother when she was nearing death in ICU. But, some children may not be emotionally prepared to see those images.

I'm 38 and still haven't been to a funeral, wake or any other service for the dead. I've gone this long, why start now?

When my grandmother died my mother did not think she should bring my sister to the funeral (she was about 3). My sister resented the fact that out of town cousins who were younger went to the funeral when she did not.

I think three is a bit young for a full tilt funeral, especially one where the body is displayed. Your child will be sad, not just at her own loss, but by seeing the sadness of others she cares about. That can be overwhelming for a child that young. It is also likely to be confusing; if the child sees the body, s/he may not understand what dead is - "she's not 'gone,' I can see her". Children don't make the distinction between a person and just their body, especially if this is their first experience with death. I think your answer that "her body stopped working" is a good, age-appropriate explanation. This is a "good" introduction to death for a child since (I'm guessing) Great Grandma died after a full life, as opposed to the death of a child or young person and not as the result of a tragedy.

This isn't about shielding of a child from one of life's bad moments; the child will become aware that Great grandmother is no longer there soon enough. It's not about hiding unpleasant facts from a child. It is about providing facts and information to a child in a way that is appropriate to his/her developmental level. Little children will respond to a death by wondering how it impacts them and it is important to answer their concerns. Older children are capable of understanding more and should be given more information. Death is a fact of life and you will probably have to deal with it with your child again and you will make different decisions as she gets older, but for now, I think you are right to have her skip the funeral.

David M--you will eventually go to nne.

My brother died a year ago at the age of 36. My daughter was 2 at the time and the apple of his eye, best buddies. i never thought twice about her being at the wake and saying goodbye to him with all of us. we explained in terms she seemed to understand and at the end of the wake, she went up to the casket and said a sweet goodbye to him. a year later, she talks about him not being here and she misses him, she even pretends to call him in 'heaven'. i am glad she was able to do that, because i feel it's helped her deal with the huge hole left in our hearts and lives. However, i think every child is different. i knew this was something she could do and i'll never regret it. i'm so sorry for your loss!!

I was raised by my grandmother. As a result I went to several funerals at a young age. All I remember was sitting there hoping the body would move and it would turn out they were still alive. They never did and it never affected me one way or the other. I think the more we try to sanatize society the weaker we make our selves.

I remember being 17 and dragged to the wake and funeral when my grandmother died. Then and now, my lingering question is, who the hell are these people and why are you interrupting my life with this nonsense? Put the body in the ground and lets get on with things. Seriously.

Death and grief are a natural part of our humanity. Children need the opportunity to learn this and how we cope with the emotions and behaviors it elicits. That being said, I would agree that such a young child is not ready for a wake viewing or a formal funeral. An opportunity to participate in some aspect such as a post funeral gathering where the stories of the person's life are told or a closed casket prayer service before the funeral might be an appropriate way for the child to say goodbye and share in the family's process.

My condolences on the loss of your grandmother.

Because my parents did not believe I should be left with baby sitters, I accompanied my mother everywhere as a child, including funerals. Mama would say in her soft and gentle way, "so and so passed away" and "we're going to the funeral." Friend or family, off we would go to church. I wasn't afraid or traumatized, such was my trust in my mother and my relationship with her. This was the case until I became old enough to stay at home alone.
As an adult I have noticed reluctance (or refusal) among my peers to attend funerals, seemingly because they grew up being kept away. I will be forever grateful to my mother who nurtured me through so many aspects, happy and sad, of our family's life.

what disgusting advice the " writer " of this column gives...hesitating about introducing the concept of heaven ?... unbelievable....you ma'am are a pathetic anti religious bigot....very sad indeed

Joe, I think you are the bigot here, since this seems to be about YOUR religion, not the writer's. The writer did not indicate what her religion was and whether the concept of heaven was consistent with her religion (or with Ms. Meltz's) or her own beliefs. There are lots of good reasons not to tell a two year old that great grandma went to heaven, starting with the idea that a 2 year old may not get the idea that heaven is not a real, physical place and thus not understand that the person is really dead and gone. And introducing a child to the notion of heaven may open up the issue of hell which may not be a concept you want to introduce a two year old to yet. You can answer the child's questions about death, heaven, burial, reincarnation as they come up and as the child gets older. Choosing not to give an explanation that includes a notion of that kind of afterlife to a two year old child is not anti-religion, it is about giving the child the facts about death in a way she can understand it.

my children were 3 and 5 when their grandfather died. the casket was in the house. neither child went to the funeral and neither regretted it later. In the house, the 3 year old ran up to the grandmother and asked her help with a coloring book. many were horrified, but she was helped by the grandchild. we used the term 'died' or 'death', not sleeping.

Seriously, I think it's more about whether the child is capable of sitting through the service, and that can vary from child to child. I attended a funeral (it wasn't even my first--but I think before that, I WAS too young) at around 3 years old, and it didn't affect me in any negative way.

In fact, it so happened that I actually watched that person die. She wasn't related to us, and she had grown children of her own, but they'd ditched her (or so it appeared to me; I don't actually know why they weren't around), and my parents were used to helping her a lot. They also had a hand in organizing the funeral.

I'd also spent a lot of time "helping" her.

Not taking me to the funeral didn't occur to my parents, but then again, I was a quiet child, which probably had something to do with their decision.

I attended my grandmother's funeral just after age 3. I was there for the wake with open casket, the service, and the graveside service. I don't remember being scared, just very, very curious. I had a good time seeing all my cousins and aunts and so on. Death was explained simply, and it must have been good enough for me. The next time I remember attending a funeral, I was 8 or so, and it was definitely creepy! I think our acceptance/views change as we age and become culturally conditioned. But little kids can be more intuitive and aware at a spiritual level than we may give credit for being.

I love the balloon analogy someone posted. That's a good one. I'd include my own child in the service if I felt the child were old enough to understand things at that level and not be a distraction through behavior. I really don't buy intentionally shielding kids from certain concepts, but the parent is the best one to read what a child can or can't handle. It's all in how you frame it and how family handles these events in general.

I absolutely feel the child should be at the funeral. This was a close family member. People die, this happens. Just answer whatever questions she has in a short, matter of fact manner. If you are at all religious or believe in some concept of heaven then by all means describe it to your child.

For any hard concept--whether it's death or sex or whatever--I have found it's best to simply answer the question the child has asked, don't go on and on.

"What happened to Grandma?"--Grandma died. Her body stayed here and her soul went to heaven.

Only go on if she asks another question. If she doesn't ask anything else at that time, then she is satisfied with that answer. If she needs more information she will let you know by asking another question.

Your question is very American and speaks to the confused nature of this society. I know of no other culture where explaining death to a child is such an issue. Death is part of life and surrounds us daily, although American culture makes even effort to hide its presence.

Only you know what is best for your child. Kids this young are not cognitively developed enough to comprehend the profound and final nature of death. I would avoid references of heaven, "going to a better place", and other speculation. If the child thinks that death is no more than a trip to a fun place then they may take their own life to join their beloved grandma. It is critical that children are informed about the absolutely negative and irreversible nature of death.

I'm sorry for your loss.

I was around 6 when I went to my first funeral, my cousin who was younger then me died of leukemia. I don't remember what he looked like, I only remember running around the funeral home playing tag with some of my cousins, because I didn't understand what was going on. I've gone to many funerals since then, as my parents didn't shelter me.

I agree with what you're doing, and what Barbara said, EXCEPT you should mention heaven, if its part of your belief system, which generally parents want to pass on to their children. Tell your daughter that Grammy died, because her body just couldn't work anymore, and that she went to heaven. Also let your daughter know that she won't be able to see Grammy anymore in person.

Answer the questions she asks with age appropriate answers, but don't lie to her, cause she could remember it later and be resentful. Be prepared for follow-up questions, but don't expect her to necessarily ask questions right away, she may surprise you weeks down the road with one.

Pretty cheap shot on the part of Barbara Meltz. It's pretty inconsiderate to indoctrinate a parents' belief system.

Sorry for your loss.

Death, like birth, is a part of life and it's important that it be normalized and treated as something that happens. A 3 year old is not going to understand what death means (how many adults actually do?) but it is important that she be there. Our children learn how to manage life by watching us- and believe me they watch, even unconsciously! Children have been part of death-related rituals since the human race has been in existence. These days we spend too much energy trying to protect our children from life that they never learn how to be human.

Good luck and best wishes.

Terribly sorry for your loss. I think its fine to bring the little one to the funeral. My dad died unexpectidly when I was just 8 years old and my mother had no idea if she should bring her 4 kids to their fathers funeral ( ages 4-12) . She decided not to bring us and she was sorry we were not there. We had always visited the cemetery at least once a year if not more but we never went to the funeral and I wish I did. She discussed this with me 10 years later when she was dying and wanted to make sure we were all at her funeral and told me she regretted not having us at dad's funeral. Dying is part of life and its never to early to teach the truth.

We have had similar discussions in our family. I found this article to be helpful as it describes how kids of various ages generally view death. Obviously, your mileage may vary.

http://www.hospicenet.org/html/talking.html

I debated this myself when my grandmother died. I ended up taking my 6 year-old son with me to the funeral. I was surprised at how well he handled it - much better than the adults there. He wanted to see her at the viewing, and though I tried to keep him from this, I ended up letting him see her. He then went over to look at photos of grandma from throughout her life and asked me about each one. We talked about heaven, and how she is now with grandpa, and he understood this all much better than adults tend to. As adults, we were all so sad at her death, but his overwhelming feeling was happiness that she was able to be with her husband again. I thought his attitude was much healthier than ours.

Joe - You're wrong that the columnist is an anti-religious bigot. You probably never tried to speak to a two-year old about what happens when you die. My three year old asked me just a couple of weeks ago where MY grandparents are since she sees her's all the time. I told her they are all in heaven. She asked where heaven was. Then she asked how to get there. She asked if I visit them there. You see the issues this brings up. Young kids think in literal and concrete terms. Though I tried my best to explain she could not understand.

We bring her to church and tell her to pray to God and Jesus in heaven. She does a good job, but never thought about heaven as an actual venue until we discussed death.

Grandkids (3 and 8) great-grandmother died in their home. She had cancer and hospice care and was able to remain home. The kids understand that death happens to people. For them, death isn't a mystery.

Ah, a subject I feel very strongly about. Parents have done a great deal of disservice to this up and coming generation. The trend for the last 20 years has been to increasingly shield the little darlings from all that is icky in this world: blood becomes green in cartoons. Heroes just chop off the end of the gun and that effectively stops the villain. Most villains are now robots or aliens or monsters, things it is OK to kill since they do not have human feelings (great message that sends, eh? If someone does not look like you it is OK to kill them because they do not have feelings or a soul). The result of parental efforts to make it a Disney World (where nothing bad ever happens)? School shootings. Mall shootings. College shootings. Children become desensitized and grow up to be teenagers who become desensitized and eventually become adults who are unable and unprepared to handle any kind of crisis…and constantly look for someone else to blame for any failings (“its not MY fault” should be the catch-phrase of this generation). It isn’t the violence in the video games and television shows and movies that is causing such a problem with this generation: it is the over-protection of the parents, reflected in things like the FCC, and the lack of old-fashioned parenting (not the “go cut a switch” kind but the kind where you do something wrong and you, oh, I don’t know, actually have consequences instead of just the threat that you know your parents are NEVER going to follow through on).

That being said, you should take your child to the funeral. What is important is for your daughter to see how death affects other people. How sad it is when a loved one is lost, and how it makes other people feel. It starts a road to empathy that can never be started too young. Keep explanations simple, according to age. And watch TV with your child and play video games with your child and surf the net with your child and let them know what is fiction and what is not. Help them to understand how sad it is to loose someone you love. A lesson learned at 3 may prevent a mall shooting at 17.

PS – To Rotten: I hope you have kids. If you don’t, you should breed as soon as possible. Your kids and my kid may be the only hope for the future generation!!
Yoshimi

it's a tough answer but you should answer it as honestly as you can... death will NOT be the only question to answer as your child grows there WILL be a lot tougher questions to answer... Just be honest and blunt as you can with each of the questions that follows. a child's mind is always working and they REMEMBER every comment you make.

My daughter (age 9) had been to 5 funerals in her young life, including an uncle and 2 grandfathers. She attended the wakes of those who were cremated and not those whose bodies were displayed, except for one grandfather. Fortunately, the wake was held in two rooms and we could avoid having her spend time in the room with the body. She was 6 at the time. She attended her first funeral at 3. Her understanding of death has changed, and her questions have become more mature. We were clear from the beginning that the part of our loved one which him "himself" was gone for good. We told her, according to our faith, that his soul was in heaven, and that his body (or his cremains) would be buried. She has attended all funeral and burial services. She is well-adjusted and past the fear of our deaths, which we answered as Barbara suggested.

I've brought my daughter to several funerals, mostly for deaths resulting from age related issues and one drug overdose. The reality is she mostly has no idea what's going on and just cheers everyone else up. Now, she's only 4 and Autistic, but she does understand and is concerned if someone close to her is away for any amount of time.

My own attitude about funerals is that they are for the living and I want my daughter to not see death as some big horrible thing. Rather, I want her to see it as a sad but inevitable thing and that it's the grieving that need our presence.