My son's father and I are divorced, and we share custody 50%. If I didn't trust him, i would go crazy!

Of course you didn't have to micro manage your husband - he knew more about child rearing than you did! You are starting with a faulty premise. There are some husbands who do not want to be in charge of the kids - ever. My husband is one of these. He is literally the type of dad who would accidentally leave the kids in the car all day while he was at work. He gets thinking about something and just forgets everything else. As the kids have grown (they are now in high school) I have asked him to be in charge of them a few times. If I ask him to pick them up at a lesson after school, he will first ask for directions (he knows nothing about their schedules or the locations of their lessons). Then he will call me from the parking lot and say "which door do I go in?" I wish he could just do stuff without my help, but this is a guy who once dropped a one year old at day care with no diaper on. He dressed the kid, but completely forgot to put on a diaper. Needless to say, her poor daycare teacher found out while the kid was sitting on her lap and let loose. So maybe your question should be why do some dads act so helpless when it comes to their kids that their mothers can only leave for a day if they write out a list of 1000 instructions. So I would say my husband can't be a good parent without supervision BECAUSE he isn't involved enough.

I absolutely feel like I have to micromanage when my husband is on child duty! For some reason, most men I know, cannot keep track of the demands and schedules of their children. My son is 14 and my daughter is 9 and we are constantly on the go with school, sports and dance. I have come to the point where I have to type out and print the weekend schedule so there is a visible guideline as to what is happening. Unfortunately, this doesn't seem to be working either -- I have to repeat the list of events every few hours with reminders of times and locations. I have heard from many, many other Moms that they face the same battle.

What you do as parents, parenting style, values, etc should have been talked about before one gets married. Over the years, I have seen many women marry guys who clearly weren't "grown-ups" and think that the act of marriage, ~ as if the fact of biological fatherhood will magically mature a male person of certain age into a MAN!

My husband, who I started to date when we both were 20, was a hands-on affectionate but firm uncle to his nieces and nephews. The man he was at 20 liked children and it was no surprised to me that at 33 when he became a father that he would be a good one. (A great one really.)

I think a lot of the anger comes from the "he should know that XX had to be done while I gone." First of all, he doesn't know what you want from him and you need to tell him, EXPLICITLY. And sometimes when you tell him XX has to be done; he is going to say, "I don't agree with you that this has to be done." You'll still have a problem, but at least it will be in the open.

Don’t be making babies with a person you can’t trust to take care of them. And that is a statement that applies to both partners.

My husband is a wonderful father in a lot of respects, but for some reason he gets stupid when he's in charge of the kids. He often didn't properly supervise them when they were small, and now he calls me what seems like every five minutes to ask ridiculous questions like "what pot should I use for macaroni and cheese?" or "what time is dancing over, again?". I leave for something after dinner and come home at 10pm to find all of dinner still on the table, and the kids in bed but not bathed, no lunches made for the next day, etc. Perhaps if he showed that he is capable of coping without being micromanaged, I wouldn't feel compelled to micromanage.

Sorry your husbands are losers but don't blame all men for that. The article highlights typical sexist comments about men that the liberal media likes to propagate. Well I for one love my kids more than anything in the world, do take care of them and yes I can change a diaper, feed them, and get them dressed. Wow amazing, who would have thought a simple caveman could do all that. Get over yourselves. It's not that difficult.

Of course I have to "micromanage" - really you just mean manage- my husband, in almost all areas. Even if I leave a list, he won't follow it. People say -oh that's pathetic, or if I leave him on his own he'll work it out, but it's not true. I've tried, and learned that I can't change him -only manage him, otherwise it means divorce. My number one issue is dealing w/anger of not having a true adult partner, and this is a much bigger issue once you have a baby, because now you have 2 children. I should have realized how hard it would be before marrying. So you have to weigh the trade-offs. At least he works -but I also think this is why women are "trained" to think about how much a man makes -it is how our society is built and what "we" expect from a man, because if you have to manage everything, hopefully he makes enough money for you to hire for services.

Hey, "fatherofthree", insecure much? I didn't see anyone blaming "all men". My husband does fine with the absolute basics of feeding and care, but beyond that, even when asked to do X, Y, and Z, seems to be incapable. He is a loving and caring father who is great at things like taking them to the park or building models, but managing any household tasks while caring for the kids is often beyond him, and often even essential things like giving a child medicine slip through the cracks. I know there are moms out there who are just as helpless, and there are dads who are far more capable. I'm only commenting on MY husband. If you have any constructive comments on how I can help him, I'd love to hear them.

Couldn’t agree with you more FatherofThree. I’m tired of the bumbling father stereotype. There are plenty of fathers out there that are incredible and supportive partners, but you don’t hear about them because their wives are so happy they never complain!

I trust my husband, but it took a lot of "training" on my part. However without it he would never learn. I started by volunteering to walk our dogs right after we came from hospital so he sould babysit for 20 minutes at a time. After three years of "progressive training" he took our three-year-old to Disney all by himself. Sure he forgot to put the diapers on and let y-year -old from the bed at 11 pm, but they survived :). Sometimes I had to clench my teeth whan I disagree with him, but I remind myself that most issues we are facing are just a small details, that are probably not important in a grand scheme of theigs
Having involved husband is priceless.

I'm guessing that none of you were forced into marriage with these guys or forced to have their children. So why did you do it? Aren't you responsible for being with someone who can't be trusted? Complaining is how you side step your reponsibility of getting yourself into this situation. You made your bed...stop whining!

We have 2 kids and yeah sometime I feel like my husband doesnt take care of them well enough. I know they will be OK with him, but sometimes he is mad at me for something else (Maybe micromanaging?) and because of that he refuses to do something that I asked him to for the kids. For example he took care of them yesterday while I was out for a few hours. Baby is sick and has not been eating solids well so I told him to give the baby a bottle. Baby last ate at 10am. I get home at 3:30 and he is crying. Husband tried giving him some solid food, but baby wouldnt eat it, so he figured he wasn't hungry. The poor baby is STARVING and nurses + sucks down 5 oz from a bottle. Then husband says I am so lucky because the baby stops crying when I am home - Yeah, well I FEED him! If he had tried to give him a bottle the kid probably would have stopped crying.

I do think that women and men have different organizational skills and I think it would behoove women to figure out how to work with the men in their lives productively and not treat them like another child. I can't stand when women say "I have three kids! You know, little Susie and little Joey and oh yeah, Hubby."

It seems to me that many men who act helpless do so because they have been so intimidated by their partners into thinking that everything they do is wrong. Maybe if women backed off and let their partners feel like they were capable of doing something, they might step up to the plate. It was very hard for me but one of the best things I did for my marriage was realize that just because Dad's way is different from Mom's does not mean it's wrong or bad.

Typical man-bashing article. The real problem with relationships today (and that includes the father-mother parenting relationship) is that too many people believe their way is the 'only' way to parent. There is very little tolerance for different opinions today....just look at how many people say that having different opinions is a 'problem'. People will always have different opinions and different ways of doing things.....if you can't accept and tolerate that simple fact, then, yes, you will always have 'problems'.

My husband can handle any and all parenting responsibilities as well as I can......and half the time my kids prefer him, he can be more fun!

Some people need to know that some of the problem lies with them. I'd suggest turning off the cell phone when you head out and let hubby swing the in breeze a bit. If you are always a phone call away, there's no need for independent thought.

If the situation is that of a stay at home mom and a dad who works, how well could the wife do your husband's job? Would you need to have a lot of hand-holding and training, too? Would you feel qualified to do what he does? Would you mess things up and not get stuff done right?

As for kkschmell, it's really a pity that your kids made it all the way to high school with a dad who is so absent minded, and a mother that enabled the behavior by letting him continue it for so long.

If you never give people a chance to fail, they will never succeed.

You ladies seriously need to work with your husbands to help them build confidence in themselves. Take a week off together and stay home. Work together. See what issues he is having during the day when you are not there. Maybe the reason dinner is still on the table and the children aren't bathed is because he had to fight them to eat, and fight them to bed, and then he was too tired to handle anything else.

And why on Earth do you have so many activities over the weekend that you need an itinerary? What happened to just spending time together as a family?

My daycare provider says she can always tell when the dads get the kids dressed (mis matched, no undershirts, etc). Pretty funny.

I think a couple should remember to have fun with it! Everyone has different parenting styles. Agree on the big stuff, and don't micromanage the small stuff. It is an adventure you both got into together, so enjoy it, and your children will thank you for it.

if you nag your husbands, I think they will do less and less, praise their efforts, and respect them. Life will be better for all.

I will agree with Fatherofthree that some people marry people who can't get out of their own way, but I will disagree with how hard it is. What my wife does is hard. But what I don't understand is how I am supposed to understand the schedule of my kids when I don't create the schedule. I don't ask my wife to go to my job and figure out what needs to be done without giving some instruction. She wouldn't be able to do it. And I think my wife is WAY smarter than I am. I need instruction (but I don't need it more than once) in order to step into someone else's job. It is a fact. My wife and I do our parenting together, but she is in charge of the schedule for the family. And she lets me know what we are doing. It is not that hard to remember in this era of Outlook schedules and cell phones. When we had young kids in diapers, my wife would just leave me in charge for a whole Saturday so I could create my own routine with the kids that included, feeding, changing and discipline. Now, it is easier as my kids are older (6 and 9) to have those weekends or night times without my wife. But I still can't handle the schedule. She needs to write it down.

I guess my question is, why did you marry this person and decided to have children with them if you thought they were not going to be a good parent? and second, why do you keep giving them permission to be incompetent? Write down what needs to be done if you think they can't remember schedules. When they don't do what you want them too ie, chores, do you just do it for them or tell them they need to do. If we enable people to treat us poorly, then the fault is ours. If we chose to have children with someone who has no interest in actually raising children as a partnership, then why are you still with them? You and the kids will be better off with someone who is invested in the relationship.

Bravo to "Fatherofthree"! I wholeheartedly agree with your sentiment. I am also an involved father who works full time, does all the food shopping and cooking, (among many other tasks) and can address every aspect of the raising of my 7, 5, and 21/2 year old children. I have to admit that as a result of my schedule I am not necessarily aware of particular rituals or tasks that have become routine for my family in my absence, but with a little communication between parents that is easily fixed. As for women who feel the need to micromanage their husbands they might need to look at other factors of their relationship. Are they imposing guidelines that are strictly personal (i.e. preferences that are not necessarily warranted)? Do they have a controlling type of personality anyway? Does their profession dictate that they be in control and does that professional requirement tumble over into their home life? A lot of factors can be in play here but certainly overall; mothers need to realize that if the father is not physically present during the establishment and implementation of the daily routines then he cannot be expected to magically understand their existence, use, and consequence. In some instances it seems (however much of a nuisance it might be) that when the father asks about the routine for the children he is actually honoring the mother by showing a desire to carry out the childrearing duties to her standards rather than his own. Through good, positive communication you'll set each other up to succeed at the the most important task, which is to raise happy, healthy kids.

I don't understand why we infantilize husbands/men, and I wonder if this has roots in or repercussions for how we as moms raise our sons. But I hope that moms out there who feel like they are parenting another child (their husband) will do their own sons a favor and raise them to be capable and independent men who can be equal partners in marriage and family that don't need to be "micromanaged."

My husband and I shared the child care when he was a student. I was at home taking care of our child while he was in class and then I went to the university to work once he returned home. Micromanage? Absolutley not! He was the dad and I could learn from him as he could learn from me. When our second child arrived I had just graduated from grad school. this time I was in class during the day and he worked at night. this was rough, but he was and is a good dad. We are divorced now, but he is a great dad.

Ladies, I am not sure what is more pathetic. The fact that your husbands can't do anything or the fact that you married them in the first place. I supsect that the child rearing issue was not the first time that their inmaturity and incompetence surfaced.

Are they really that bad or does it help you satisfiy your martyr complex (working mom responsible for everything around the house) that your poor dolt husband can't do anything without your supervision?

Before you jump ugly at me i am the father of two and i am home one day a week with them (since birth). They are now 7 and 4. Somehow i can manage to get them up, feed them, get one off to school, do the laundry, go grocery shopping, give them baths, do homework, feed them, get them to bed, and pick up the house before my wife gets home. Oh, by the way after having done this for years i know that things aren't as crazy (after they are about 2) as everyone would like to portray.

Instead of blogging about them. Have an adult conversation with them and discuss your concerns. Be careful what you ask for because i suspect they may have some concerns about things that you do as well.

I thnk that first year was tough, mostly because mommy's role was much more. I was feeding my child and that left Daddy with fewer responsibilities. Then when she got older I got mad because I didn't feel he was doing enough - but it turns out that was simply bad communication. He thought I preferred to be the one calling the shots - which I did the first year. And I never communicated that I was done being the one calling the shots.

Now that she's older she's in his care a lot and I don't really manage it - unless I see him breaking some house rules we've agreed on.

Having been in the position myself of waking up on a Saturday morning with an ungodly hangover and only a foggy idea of what my wife told me about the day before. I honestly know what it feels like to do a half-assed job as a "Weekend Mom" Boy did my wife let me know about it when she came home to find out that I didn't get them to the play date and instead brought them to that germ infested play area at the Natick Mall. But that was years ago. I don't have any drinking buddies anymore. I do all the laundry, I clean the kitchen twice a week. I help the kids with their homework and I'm still the sole breadwinner and all I have to say is you guys can be me too! All you need is to be threatened with divorce 50 or 60 times and to see the reality of a man's life after divorce. It's not pretty!

Oh boy, that's men! I guess. :)

I work full time, too. I go out one night every week for a class. I eat dinner with my family, and leave as we finish up. I return at approximately 10pm. That's three hours that he has to put away the food (the older child clears the table) and get the kids bathed and to bed. That's all I ask. I'd love it if he made the lunches, too, but I don't expect that. I've tried praising when it all gets done. I've tried leaving a list, particularly if there's something different like medication that needs to be administered. I make sure that he knows I appreciate him, and I know that he's quite secure. He takes the kids to school every morning, and although the clothes aren't always what I would choose, I don't criticize as long as they make it on time.

I'm not bashing him - I think he's great. I trust him 100% to take care of the kids. I just want to help him to be able to do more than just the bare minimum while I'm gone, so that we can enjoy time together when I get back. And by the way, although taking out the trash/recycling is "his" job, I do it more often than not (without complaints or expectation of recognition).

I am a single mom who cannot micromanage dad's parenting, because my child spends visitation time with him that does not include me. This has been the case since she was a year old. After a brief and expected period of adjustment, I now don't have a worry in the world about the times I am not with my child. I can't, or I would drive myself crazy. The experience has taught me to trust others and let go, rather than attempt to micromanage. It's a better way to live. It's a lesson that could be applied to intact families easily...and everyone would be happier. Unless your child is in some kind of danger, moms, try to let go a bit. You'll be surprised at how quickly your partner learns the routine, and how much more fun all of you will have when the stress of micromanagement is lifted.

wow you women can be harsh and think your men are idiots, which I'm sure some might be, but did you ever think they are just ignoring you or doing it to annoy you? Im a 21 yr old father of a one year old, and guess who's more on the ball with my son? Why that would be me. My girlfriend definately is the one taking care of the doctor appointments and most appointments for that matter because I am at work 830 to 430 everyday, but when I come home, more times than not, he is still in his pajamas. My girlfriend (his mother btw) will completely zone out to the tv and does not pay as much attention to him as I do. And I do not dress my son poorly. Neither does she, although I do admit he wears different socks on occasion, but hey, I'm going for the next Einstein here! I can feed him, change a diaper, put him to sleep, give him medicine, wrestle with him on the floor, I am no idiot who needs micromanaging for my child

Adopt a pet instead. Seriously. Cheaper, more rewarding, and no trips to the principal's office. Not to mention, most dogs are clearly smarter than most kids and many adults.

If your husband is dressing the kids in the morning and you feel the need to complain about the "color combination" choices that he made, then, yes, you are micromanaging and you are worthy of his full contempt.

Leyla - Can you please give me back the 2 minutes of my life that it took me to read this inane dribble......46% .....GIVE ME BREAK! Was this a Scientific Poll? Something tells me it was "curved" to give you the answers that you desired. Please stick to bashing your 2nd husband and leave the rest of us alone!

You must not have spent a whole two minutes reading this if you a.) got my name wrong and b.) didn't notice that I that I was saying my husband does NOT need me to micromanage. Unless you consider that bashing? At any rate, thanks for taking even more time to leave a comment. -- LMA

I am a stay at home Dad. I can tell you that my wife's opinion of priorities and mine are a little different, but not about the important stuff. Kids need to be healthy, educated, happy, safe, etc.. We agree about that and there is not debate there. If there is, you definitely need to talk with your sig other and get on the same page.

I agree, however, that Dad's don't put a priority on having a perfectly matched outfit. We are OK if their hair isn't perfect. A vegetable need not be served at every meal. These are the little things which are style rather than substance. If these are the things you talk of, then yes, it is micromanaging.

What annoys me is when someone goes "They don't come with an instruction manual!" First of all, there is more written about how to take care of your children than the history of the entire universe. Second, do you really need an instruction manual to be able to take care of your kid? It's pretty much instinct (with a few helpful tips from friends and family). Does mother bear read a book to know how to take care of baby bear? No. Stop being an idiot and tke care of the most important thing in the world - your family. Babies should never be left near open windows, as they can fall out. A screen will not protect your baby. Babies should never be left alone in a vehicle. Babies should not be left alone in a bathtub. Babies should not be left alone ever. Do not give your baby things that your baby can choke on. If you are not sure whether or not your child can choke on something, go to Babies R Us and buy a little tube that if the object fits inside you know that your baby can choke on it OR stop being an idiot. This has been a public service announcement from Dan the Man.

Some men are manipulative -- if they feign helplessness, they never have to do anything with the kids, because they know it drives their wives crazy. Trust me, if he can program a VCR, he can change a kid's diaper -- that is, if he really wanted to.

From most of what I've seen in our society's standards, "Mom" micromanages "Dad" on every aspect of their relationship..... why would parenting of the kids be any different??

What makes some women on this board think that their way of bringing up a child is the only way? Maybe their male partners just do things differently. It doesn't mean that the child will become unhealthy or a drug addict later in life. Geez--lighten up. I think the women who must manage their men have control issues. (For the record, I'm a woman.)

Parenting differently is not parenting wrongly. If a father loves his kids, keeps them safe and happy and tries to do what's right, then whether he zigs when the mother otherwise would zag does not mean the father is parenting "wrong." One parent's "management" is another parent's "nagging" or "criticizing." It's one thing to intervene when a child is at risk of harm. It's the obsessive control freak that intervenes when daddy is not parenting just like mommy.

I have to admit I am a control freak. My husband can never live up to what I expect of him as far as parenting is concerned. I need to face it - he doesn't have to do all the hard work because I don't let him - I get mad when he does it wrong and I just do it myself. I have no doubt in my mind that given enough time he would figure out how to make the whole parenting thing work, schedules, cooking, bed time, etc. - I do trust him and he is a great dad.

in response to the point: "why do women marry men like this in the first place", I would say until a couple has children and must take care of them 24/7, there is really no comparison to that. Caring for a pet may be similar, but it's not in the same league. So Mom might not be able to tell that Dad isn't up to the task until children come into the picture. In response to the point: "parenting differently is not wrong", I would say you're right. But that's not what the problem is. The problem is Dad being either incapable or unwilling to make the most basic effort to feed, clothe, and know his own child's daily schedule (e.g., name of teacher, friends, extracurricular activity schedule and times, etc.). So Mom has to do it all, which take energy.

Have you noticed that the people commenting here that have problems with their husbands have the word "mom" in their name. akmom, bbmom, etc.. I think part of the problem is that Moms think that parenting is a "job" and take themselves too seriously it soon becomes their identity. As a father, it is challenging exhausting job for both parents, but it is not rocket science. Don't sweat the small stuff and take what you are doing too seriously. There is always more than 1 way to do things, and usually, both ways have the same end result. I would bet a large sum that those complaining about their husbands also have intimacy issues with them. Remember what is important and loosen up in bed.

I truly believe that the biggest issue for those who feel their husbands can't take care of the kids, won't, etc., is a lack of communication! Talk to each other! Also, the micromanaging moms need to relax! As a mom of 4, I welcome my husband's help, even if it isn't the same way I would do it. If there are things that are important to me, I talk to him about them. One of the things I did when we had our first was to ask him to take over the diaper changing, etc., (except for nursing) evenings and weekends. I was, and still am, a stay-at-home mom, and knew that being at 100% during the day was not crucial, so I took the middle of the night. Now there are always exceptions. If I seriously needed sleep, or what have you, my husband was willing to pitch in and vice versa. As for dressing, I remember when my husband dressed our second baby in his older brother's overall shorts (he thought they were pants). Was that a big deal? Absolutely not! Did I take away dressing privileges? No. Is the house often a mess when I come home after being gone? Yeah, but that's minor. I have a husband who doesn't mind if I am gone all day on a Saturday. Most evenings, he comes home and takes over much of the kid duty - getting them ready for bed, reading to them, etc. We have talked about what I need and I "allow" things to be different from what I do. I would much rather have his "imperfect" help, than none at all. Come on, do you seriously do things the exact same as your friends? Your parents? Are they all incompetent? Bottom line, communicate, relax, and trust.

Am I the only one that can't stomach the term "liberal media" anymore? So cliche!

But, yes, I agree - there are plenty of men in the world that can take care of kids just a well and women can. Let's not stereotype!

You are DEFINITELY not the only one! :) -- LMA

I am really blessed with a husband who pitches in. He does 99.9% of the laundry and is an equal partner with the kids. I do mornings he does bedtime. He enrolls them in activies and takes them there. This is his "Dad Time" with them.

That said, I set boundaries from the beginning. If he wanted his shirts ironed, then he had to do them himself. (Now we send them out.) It's a splurge, but I also have a housekeeper come twice a month. The house is mostly clean, but not spotless 24/7. Things get done when I have time to do them, but if something was going to get sacrificed it's housework. When we were first married, I earned as much as he did and I commuted 2 hours a day. Now we have 2 kids and I've scaled back my hours. Every time he suggests we cut out the housekeeper to save money, I suggest we cut the cable, and that ends the arguement. In any case, time with the kids comes before the dust bunnies under the bed. As long as the place is sanitary, I don't see why Moms stress about it.

In some of these posts and in the orignal Parenting article, Moms seemed to resent that Dads found time for themselves. Well Moms need to take time for themselves. I also made time for myself, whether it was getting to the gym without the kids once a week or finding an hour or so with a good book. One morning each weekend I sleep in and breakfast is his problem. I think that we realistically have a 60/40 split with the kids and house work.

Maybe you might describe some of my attitude as being selfish but now that I've read these posts, I think I'm more like a Dad.

My GOD! With all of these apparently helpless and incompetent fathers out there, it's a wonder any of us were successfully reared to adulthood. I guess I'll need to give my mom extra praise for all of the excellent work she did while my father was minding us, picking us up and dropping us off...

As for our own family, my husband IS the primary caretaker. He's done amazing things with our baby and it shows. Her pediatrician comments and compliments whenever she sees her..."Whatever you're doing, keep doing it!"

He bathes her, plans out her meals and feeds her, enforces a routine that she embraces, ignores TV and video games in favor of leaving classical music on throughout the day. He spent their first summer together taking her for walks in the Public Gardens and wading in the Frog Pond several days a week - I'd come home to find new and interesting pine cones, rocks, leaves and seed pods that he'd picked up to show her lined up on her dresser. Now, they spend their winter days practicing walking inside or snuggled up in a local coffee shop, saying "hello" to people as they go by.

He was a mechanic and a soldier before he left to stay at home with the baby. Not really professions we associate with preparing for child rearing. But somehow, he's muddled through beautifully.

He's never forgotten her diaper (or her!), ignored, neglected or otherwise abandoned her in any way. He doesn't need my help dressing, bathing or feeding her. As she grows, the two of them invent new games (current favorites are Knock the Tower Down that Daddy Built and Bang on the Piano in Duet) and he expands her repertoire of entertainment and education appropriately. He's attuned to her cues - moreso than I am, sad to say - and the result is a happy, healthy, active and vibrant little girl - well loved and cared for by Daddy.

So, what do I bring to this as the other parent? A paycheck. Better communication with the pediatrician. Relief for my husband at the end of my work day. I augment what he does, but I don't override or change it! I don't have to although if I hear of something or see something new, interesting or that makes sense that we or he hasn't been doing, I pass it along to him. That's about it.

BTW, when I asked him if he thought I micromanaged him last night, he cocked an eyebrow at me, looked confused and said, "Why in the world would you think that??"

Wow, it's amazing that most men on this blog are so defensive and those who say "well, you shouldn't have married him in the first place -you're the idiot! " maybe you're right, but it's also true that you don't really know someone until you live with them, and having kids enlarges the good and the bad in a relationship. It seems to be "built in" that the woman is usually the primary care-giver, and our capitalist society almost demands a "top" breadwinner in a household, which is usually the man. I don't blame my husband; I'm just saying that's it up to me to figure it out and handle my anger vs trying to "train" my husband. Some folks you can train, others you cannot. But if you don't work out a system, divorce or enstrangement is likely on the horizon, regardless of which partner is "more competent".

I'd be willing to bet that the the moms who micromanage the dads probably micromanaged them before there were even kids in the picture. I have known several couples where this was the case and it just gets worse after the babies come. Not only that, they probably micromanage the kids, too. There has to be a happy medium.

My Wife micro-manages me when I am with our daughter. It really is about her own insecurities more than anything else. My daughter and I have a great relationship and I know how to address her needs. So, if you are a woman reading this, and you are in this situation, please review what is important for you with your husband once, and as long as there are no REAL issues, there should never be any more micro-management. I am about to have a talk about this with my wife, it is driving me nuts...

So, how, exactly, are all you mothers with lamers for husbands teaching your sons not to be lamers?

I understand micromanaging young children, but I notice that some are micromanaging their teens as well. My teen son knows that he is responsible to remember where he has to be when and how to get there - and he gets himself where he needs to be when he needs to be there a fair amount of the time (on his bike, on foot, or on the T). My younger son decided that he hates what he thinks are "dirty sinks and toilets", but he didn't expect me to hyperclean them on a daily basis - he asked for the right tools and a demonstration and now he has spiffed every bowl in the house. I think that expecting them to manage themselves and take responsibility for chores they think have to be done will help them to not be lamers when it comes to housework and parenting.

Interesting article. I am definitely more capable than my husband at managing our kids and the house but once they got past the infant stage and could articulate their needs and look after each other a bit, I let him fend for himself. I do the morning routine and most days he does the evening pick up. On some of those days, I have stuff to do after work so I don't get home until close to bed time. Sure it's maddening that the house is usually trashed, no one has PJs on, dinner lacked a vegetable, no one cleared the table or folded laundry or checked homework but I'm at the point where I don't care about those details, and the trade off is that on his nights he has managed to enroll the kids in activities on his own, so they squeeze in karate and hockey a couple of nights a week. If you want your husband to step up and manage...just leave the house (or don't come home), shut off your phone, and let them figure things out. His parenting isn't something that I would subject my kids to for days on end, but for a few hours a day, it'll do.

Lesson 1 - if you just leave him alone to figure it out, he will...
My kids are 5 and 3 and if my husbands in charge while I'm at work or out, I don't give it a second blink. He knows the drill, the rules, the schedules.
From day one I backed off. He doesn't do everything the same way I do, its his way. Sometimes he gets lazy and doesn't do it 'perfect', guess what? I do that sometimes too!!

Cheers to my guy!

In reply to several of these comments, but especially: Posted by akmom February 9, 09 09:00 AM ... Honey is that you?

In some sense I end up inviting my wife to micromanage how I care for the kids. I don't lack self-confidence and I do believe I do just as good of a job (albeit different strengths and weaknesses) as my wife. However I do always ask "what pot should I use for macaroni and cheese?", because I know how much of an issue it will be if I use the "wrong" one. I'll take care of my kids the way I know how, and my wife and I do agree in general, but I know where my wife has a tendency to micromanage, and I'll accept that as an easier solustion than the fallout.

hm. Part of what I see here is not the parenting, but the lack of support in household chores. From what I see in my friends that is fairly common. The men just don't see it as important, and the women seem not to know how to communicate about it. And even fewer know how to set up a negotiation to find consensus (note: not compromise).

For some men, I think its about power though. They don't take care of everything because they can, and no one holds them accountable. For many, they value their time (hourly pay) more than their wives, or don't see the stuff that their wives do as deserving of thanks and commentary while still expecting it for themselves. Again, this should be part of the talks and negotiations of couplehood that many seem to forget.

For me? After my divorce I made finding a partner in life to be my main priority. That means someone who values me and my contribution, as well as contributes to all the different paths and aspects of our lives. We aren't perfect, but we believe in talk and negotiation. For our son's first year, he took evening shift and I slept, I took morning shift and he slept. I think that was key. During his shift, unless there was an emergency, it was his job and ditto for mine. There were mistakes (backwards diapers anyone? LOL) but it set up a parenting partnership from the start.

We still have to discuss chores. But as part of our negotiation, I changed my way of thinking too. That means that I don't remind him of stuff, and if he doesn't do the dishes, I make food for myself and eat on a paper plate, and he sits and looks confused for a minute before laughing and going to do the dishes. Self-deprecating humor is a must for both of us. Everyone has their foibles and when you learn to work with them instead of against them things work out a lot better.