Step away from the hair product, Tom
Before you scoff at and dismiss Tom Brady’s new asymmetrical fauxhawk, think of the hours of work that the New England Patriots quarterback put into the look he debuted on the red carpet at the Metropolitan Museum of Art Costume Institute gala Monday night.
This new look caused such a stir that it was reported on internationally. No less a fashion authority than TMZ quickly dubbed it the “pompa-hawk” (half pompadour, half fauxhawk).
To explain Brady’s unique new nest of hair, we offer a purely hypothetical account of the events that took place preceding the party. First, Brady planted himself in a stylist’s chair and the sides of his hair were carefully shorn. That impressive Swiss Alp swirl on top of his head was likely achieved by a series of delicate snips and pre-planned measurements. Before all this happened, we surmise that Brady’s stylist spent hours watching season four “Top Chef” contestant Richard Blais in action to understand the nuances of the chef’s impressive, yet outdated, fauxhawk.
Brady’s hair was then very thickly pomaded. Now here’s the most important step: Brady left the salon, went home, and took a nap. When he awoke, there was a greasy stain on his pillow, and his bed head left the expertly crafted fauxhawk slanting to one side like a coiffure version of the leaning Tower of Pisa. Thus Brady arrived on the red carpet looking like a very suave Dr. Seuss creation.
Brady’s hair has gone through more incarnations than Thor, but perhaps No. 12 should stick to a basic rule of thumb — stay away from any hairstyle that is long, resembles a teen heartthrob's, or requires copious amounts of product. And of course, a ponytail of any kind should never be allowed. Never. Even if it wasn’t a scrunchie that was pulling back his hair, that sad little Rio de Janeiro pony was still terrifying.
Can Brady bring the fauxhawk back into vogue? He is an influential gentleman, but we’re betting this time his influence can only go so far.