Katy, don't

Unless your parents were killed in a freak pants factory accident and you're protesting any sort of leg covering — highly unlikely, Katy Perry, considering Wikipedia tells me your mom and dad are alive and well — you need to lay off the rompers and Daisy Dukes. For real. Granny panties are NOT pants:

[Reuters photo]

I don't care that you're a bona fide PYT. You had no business wearing sateen crotch stranglers to the MTV Video Music Awards last night. With feathers! With a star-spangled halter top and a red, white, and blue-bedazzled clutch! Even Miley Cyrus can't keep her cookies down.

(Side note: "I Kissed a Girl" is clearly ripped from Jill Sobule's notebook. And your hair/makeup is a carbon copy of Zooey Deschanel's. It really, really annoys me that I sometimes mix up the two of you because Zooey, the hip priestess of all that is cool and fashionable, would never wear this monstrosity. I get cranky. Going pants-less is not a sign of originality. You're going to have to try something else, um kay?)

I'm all about finding a look that works and sticking with it as a reliable fall back when the oncoming trends become too overwhelming. But you need a friend, stylist, or heck, divine intervention to tell you that outfits like these are total no-nos:

[Getty Images]

I know, right? We can't believe it either. I was hoping — for your sake — that Diddy threw a fruit salad-themed party in the Hamptons. But, no. You freely wore this juvenile jumper to perform on NBC's "Today." You are covered in seeds, for goodness sake. And it's not doing anything for your svelte figure. Why put your tush through such torture?