Wanna get dirrty?

Oh, Christina Aguilera. What's up, girl? I've never been the biggest fan of your schizophrenic, trashy style, but lately, you're way out in the left field of crazy. Bowl bangs? Awful, uneven spray tan? Natty extensions? Ew all around.

Maybe your recent unrecognizable state helped convince me that the airbrushed image on your new greatest hits album was Cher:

I don't know. Maybe it's your eyelash stalks. Or the slightly open mouth. Plus, traipsing around in a astronaut's helmet is something Cher would totally do.

At any rate, Xtina, your real life self and your airbrushed album self need to hold a powwow and straighten out all these style shenanigans. Let's try a clean, polished ponytail, light makeup, and a less-vapid expression, for starters. Long bangs are OK, but I swear: I will make endless Stephanie Tanner jokes if I catch you with the rolled fringe ever again.