Won't get fueled again
From Whole Foods to a Hummer dealership in five Priuses: Highest m.p.g. wins
Panic at the pumps. Detroit going green. Gas-sipping hybrids flying off the car lots, while Hummer owners clamor for Swiss-cheese drilling in America's national parks to get their mojo back. Should I be running my car on vegetable oil? Where is the nearest Crisco station?
America's transportation perturbation calls for urgent action. Specifically, it calls for a completely frivolous auto rally.
To salute the regional racing season - NASCAR kicks off today with the New England 100 - Globe staffers organized the first-ever Holier-Than-Thou-
Here are the rules: Whoever completes the 18-mile course with the highest m.p.g. readout on the Prius's real-time, real-cool, onboard computer monitor, wins.
Starting at the Prospect Street Whole Foods store in Cambridge - organic fennel, anyone? - the first, 3-mile leg will take us to the Exxon station across from the Landmark Center mall in the Fenway, for a preliminary mileage check. From there, the course stretches 15 miles due south along the links of Frederick Law Olmsted's Emerald Necklace to the VFW Parkway, and to the Route 1 Auto Mile. The race ends at a Hummer dealership, where we expect to be greeted with open arms.
Ladies and gentlemen, charge your batteries.
The start
Five Globe staffers - sportswriter Amalie Benjamin, reporters Keith O'Brien and Patricia Wen, design director Dan Zedek, and me - show up in the Whole Foods parking lot at 8 a.m., aflame with competitive zeal.
O'Brien, driving a sleek '07 "Gen 2" Prius, thinks about ditching his car seat and 28-pound baby stroller, excess weight sure to reduce his gas mileage. "It's a good idea," he says, "but my wife would kill me."
Zedek cops to inflating his tires the night before, but, with the weather turning cooler, he frets that he has lost pressure overnight. "I wish I had gotten up at 5:30 this morning and filled them again," he moans.
Benjamin plays the ingénue, insisting, "I barely know how to drive." Closer questioning reveals that she has washed her car to improve aerodynamic efficiency, and that she didn't eat breakfast and dressed in light clothing to lessen her payload.
Yes, this is the way Prius owners think.
Out of her colleagues' earshot, Wen confides to videographer Ann Silvio that she has engaged a "secret consultant" in her quest for victory.
Stage 1
Zedek leads us down Western Avenue to the Boston University Bridge. There is a light breeze; he will later claim that "hurricane-force" headwinds slowed him down. O'Brien is "drafting" behind Zedek, probably picking up an extra mile per gallon or two cruising in his colleague's vortex.
I am driving with a huge handicap - videographer Silvio is my passenger. She doesn't weigh much, but she is toting what looks like a 5-ton video camera. Perhaps this is where I should mention that I am the only racer driving a five-year-old "Gen 1" Prius. My colleagues' "Gen 2s" get significantly better gas mileage.
Intermission
The rendezvous at the gas station is, of course, an inside joke. We don't need gas! We are the auto equivalent of breathatarians, dieters who believe they can live on air.
Eschewing the fossil fuels, we tabulate the interim results. Wen leads, with 62.7 miles per gallon. Then comes O'Brien (54.1), Zedek (48.4), Benjamin (42.8), and Beam (36.0.) Did I mention that I am driving an older model?
The carping begins. Benjamin complains that her full tank of gas must be weighing her down; "maybe I should dump fuel, like an airplane does." Then she wonders if listening to National Public Radio might account for her poor showing (It might. Keep reading.)
Zedek cruelly suggests that she might "think about trading in" her spanking new, underperforming vehicle.
As the leader, Wen is forced to carry Silvio and her massive, Atari-era video contraption in her front seat. Wen consults a wrinkled scrap of paper, which she refuses to show us.
Stage 2
I spend most of the ride to Norwood drafting behind O'Brien, who proves to be a master Prius hypermiler. Even on open stretches of the VFW Parkway, or the highway portion of Route 1 by the Dedham Mall, he never breaks 35 m.p.h.
The Prius has two engines, one gas-powered, the other electric. The secret to maximizing mileage is to engage the gas engine as rarely as possible. Most Prius drivers can feel through their Birkenstocks when the gas engine comes on, usually when the car hits about 20 m.p.h. In this race, the moment you feel that gentle kick, you lift your foot off the gas and go electric.
O'Brien has other tricks up his sleeve. His windows are closed, and the air conditioning is off. His brake lights rarely flare up. He slows down for red lights about a quarter mile ahead, knowing that starting the car from a full stop uses precious fuel.
It occurs to me: It must be very annoying to be driving behind us.
The finish, I
Astonishingly, I get lost. Here is O'Brien's account of what happened when the other four cars pulled into the Hummer dealership:
"The convoy of Priuses, still brimming with gasoline, pulled into the parking lot of the Hummer dealership and parked right up front. The drivers - sweaty from driving the course without air conditioning or even a cool breeze blowing through open car windows - stepped out onto the Hummer-choked pavement to compare notes and mileage.
"The race was over. Beam was lost somewhere in Norwood and the Hummer dealership employees were not amused by the green-minded, tree-hugging Prius owners standing in the mid-morning heat.
"They watched at first from behind the plate-glass windows of the dealership. Then, they emerged. We couldn't be here, we were told by one employee dressed in a pressed shirt and tie. Not unless we were buying a car. And seeing as we were all in Priuses, the man noted, he knew we weren't buying."
Thanks for the fill, Keith! For the record, we extend the hand of friendship to our brothers and sisters driving Hummers and phony-baloney "hybrid" SUVs like the Lexus RX-400 and the Chevy Tahoe. We apologize for any propagandistic inconvenience we may have caused you.
The finish, II
We have a winner: O'Brien comes in first at 67.6 miles per gallon. Zedek ("low and slow, that's my strategy") is second at 62.7, and Benjamin logs 60.1 miles per gallon. Wen is close behind at 58.6 m.p.g., and I register a not half-bad 52.9. Have I explained that I was driving an older, less-fuel-efficient model?
A veteran of postgame interviews, Benjamin claims she "gave 100 percent" and "left nothing on the field." Zedek complains, ad nauseam, about the fierce headwinds. O'Brien discreetly inquires about prize money.
Wen chooses this moment to unveil her perspiration-stained "cheat sheet," an e-mail from veteran Prius driver and environmental lawyer Josh Kratka. His advice is money: Arrive at the start with the car already warm and maximally fuel-efficient; accelerate slowly; carry no passengers and extra weight; close windows to reduce air resistance.
And this: "Turn off all non-essentials: no AC, no radio, windshield wipers off (or on 'intermittent' if it's raining - safety be damned, you're in this to win!"
Wen had won the first stage. How could she possibly lose the race, especially with her Belichick-ian "consultant" behind her? "I was overconfident," she says. "I started driving too fast, not gliding."
"I saw her brake lights coming on," said Zedek, who drove behind Wen on the Norwood leg. "I said to myself, 'Yeah, she is going down.' "
Alex Beam is a Globe columnist. His e-dress is beam@globe.com.
