Q. What surprised you about your recent study?
A. We found that it was very rare for a teen to report that they were only violent with their dating partner. The majority of students who were being violent with their dating partners were also violent with peers and siblings.
Q. What causes this kind of violence?
A. In general, research would support the idea that when parents use violence with their children and/or are violent with one another, or older siblings are violent with younger siblings, that can be instructive in a bad way to kids in terms of how they learn to resolve conflicts with people they’re close to. Not every child who witnesses date violence, or experiences sibling violence, is automatically going to become a perpetrator of violence, but we know that the risks are elevated.
Q. What drew you to this line of work?
A. When I was a graduate student I went out and interviewed a number of boys who had perpetrated dating violence. Some of them were so young and just already seemed pretty hardened. Of course I care about [their] victims, but I am also horrified that for these young men there weren’t other pathways. I’m not a bleeding heart to the point where everything’s OK. It’s just that I noticed that, as a society, this is a really tragic situation, where we have kids who have experienced adversity in their own childhood, experienced oppression, and they have harmed other people. That whole combination of things makes me feel really sad and really motivated to try and do something about it.
Q. Do you think people are born or have evolved to be violent?
A. I would say that my reading of [evolutionary biology] literature has convinced me that violence is probably innate. It has served some purpose throughout history, but that does not mean that it’s our destiny. There are plenty of things that humans may have an impulse to do that they don’t do, because society would not function. Just because something is natural in terms of evolution does not mean that it’s good or inevitable.
Q. Have you learned anything about violence from watching your own young daughters?
A. Even when one lashes out at her sister, she usually knows right away that she’s done something wrong and I can see on her face that she’s guilty. It doesn’t make her feel good to hurt someone. That’s something I think is true about most — not all — people who harm others.
Q. Do you have any advice to a teenager who is being victimized by dating violence?
A. [Call the] National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline, 866-331-9474. Talk to an adult whom you trust. Talk to your friends, but also know that your friends, if they’re teenagers, too, may not be the most experienced advice-givers in the world, and talking to an adult you trust will probably in the long run serve you better. Teens should know that by calling this number, nobody’s going to force you to get out of this relationship or tell you you’re a fool. A lot of people have been there, too, and they know that you just need to talk it through.
Q. What about the parent of a teenager involved in dating violence?
A. If the parent recognizes that the child is either perpetrating or experiencing dating violence, first of all, they can and should offer nonjudgmental support to their child, and probably offer that, together, they call one of the hotlines to talk it through. [Parents] shouldn’t just shrug it off and do the “kids will be kids’’ thing. This is criminal behavior. Particularly if you suspect your child is a perpetrator, this can end very not well for your child, so it’s worth figuring out how you can intervene.
KAREN WEINTRAUB
Interview was edited and condensed. Karen Weintraub can be reached at karen@karenweintraub.com. 
