Almost every day on Boston.com, I answer love-related questions from readers as part of a feature called Love Letters. I’m not a licensed therapist - I’m not licensed to do anything other than drive a car - but I’d like to think that writing about night life and relationships for years has given me some practical expertise.
Just in case I’m wrong, I ask Boston.com readers to weigh in on the problem, too. Not surprisingly, they often disagree with me.
Starting today, I’m going to give print readers a taste of what runs online. Every other Wednesday, I’ll pick one of my favorite recent letters and show you what a few Boston.com readers and I had to say about the problem.
Because of my religious convictions, I have long been committed to abstaining from sex until my wedding night. Obviously, this is not a common decision, and it makes dating incredibly challenging. I never know when/how it is appropriate to bring up the subject, or even if it is worth mentioning at all. It’s heartbreaking to consistently see guy-after-guy get attached (and be attached myself), only for it to end in confusion and sadness for both of us. I am aware that I can’t expect men who haven’t made that decision to wait for me, and I always give them an easy out of the relationship when I tell them, and all of them have taken it. I suppose my question is whether or not I should bring this up from the second a guy asks me out for a first time, rather than make him waste his dinner dollars on someone who he’d have to wed in order to bed.
- Chaste and Challenged, Boston
C&C, two thumbs up for using “bed’’ as a verb. I’m not going to try to talk you out of staying a virgin until marriage. This sounds like a decision that’s already been made, and I can’t pretend to know what’s best for you. What I can say is that you may want to seek out men who share your convictions. If you date a guy you meet at a church activity, for instance, he’ll be less shocked to hear you’re saving yourself, and for all you know, he’ll be saving himself, too.
If you’re committed to seeing regular guys (as in, guys who expect to bed you), I’d bring it up within a few dates. But I would spin it positive - perhaps your ban on intercourse makes you creative in other ways (wink, wink). I’d also recommend developing a friendship with prospective suitors before you actually date them. If someone gets to know you well enough to fall for you before dating you, they may be willing to trade a traditional sex life just to have you around. - Meredith
Boston.com readers said: Personally I think the whole “purity’’ issue is way overblown, but I’ll spare you my diatribe on that subject. I agree with Meredith. Get out of the regular dating pool and into one with people that share your values. This will also spare you from future conflicts surrounding how to raise the kids, etc.
- bostowyo
I waited until marriage to have sex as well. I found a wonderful young man (who had previously come from relationships where he had plenty of sex), but he was willing to wait for me. . . . I was very proud of that fact and am so very glad that I did wait. We’re now married, enjoying plenty of sex! . . . . Good luck to you and congratulations on your decision to be true to yourself!
- Waited and Glad I Did!
Not fair to the one you’re marrying . . . what if you’re terrible? The marriage won’t last, either way. Intimacy is quite important . . . good sex = good marriage. - josh
I’d suggest you try online dating and post your ad with the title “Like a Virgin.’’ Seek out others who share your religion/conviction, since it’ll be easier for them to be on the same page.
- The Dude
Live a little. Sex is very healthy and natural part of a relationship that will make your relationship more intimate. . . . Try before you buy! - eric
Plainly born in the wrong time and place. - Bony Melon
Want to weigh in on this Love Letter - or tomorrow’s note about surviving life as a hopeless romantic? If so, visit Boston.com/LoveLetters. Contact Meredith at mgoldstein@globe.com. 
