Q. Meredith, I need your help. I have been dating a terrific guy now for over four months. We are both divorced and have been in several relationships since returning to “single’’ status. We spend most of our free time together - about five days a week. Things are great - we are into the same things, have similar tastes, love to travel together, etc. I truly feel we are a great match, and if asked, I am sure he would agree. I am close with his family at this point, and have met most of his circle of friends. Currently we are planning another vacation getaway.
The challenge is that for all the time we do spend together, he still insists on dating other women about once a week. This seems so odd to me given the fact that we do spend most of our week together. In a nutshell, when we have discussed an exclusive dating relationship, he has stated that in the past, he has just jumped into serious relationships only to come to the realization that he truly didn’t love the woman he was in the relationship with at the time. He wants to avoid this from happening again, which is why he continues to date and “take things slow.’’
Now, I am not the type of person to ever give someone I care about an ultimatum. It is not my style and I feel that nags and threats accomplish nothing. However, don’t you think that four months of serious dating should at least start to hint at some level of commitment? How do I balance being patient with being just a plain fool? Plus, do I go on another vacation with someone who will only be back on the dating scene as soon as the plane lands back at Logan?
ANN, Boston
A. It seems odd that this guy can come up with a random person to date once a week. I guess we can thank the Internet for that.
Ann, your guy is obviously trying to delay the seriousness of his relationship with you, which is understandable. After a divorce and a few long-term relationships that weren’t quite right, this is yet another opportunity for him to fail at commitment. He’s scared. I don’t blame him.
What he’s denying is that he’s the one responsible for getting serious so fast. After four months, he’s made you his constant companion, he’s introduced you to his community, and now he’s taking another trip with you. He seems to think that dating other people will counteract all that he’s done to make your relationship stronger. You can tell him that it just doesn’t work that way.
I’m with you - ultimatums are not nice and they usually don’t work. What you tell him is that he doesn’t have to date other people to slow things down. You can assure him that exclusivity at four months doesn’t mean that you expect marriage - it just means that you’re giving the relationship a real shot. Tell him your goal is to date someone exclusively. If that’s not a shared goal, you have to move on. He can make plans accordingly. If he needs to keep dating, well, there’s your answer.
MEREDITH
He wants to have his cake and eat it too! Who wouldn’t want to have the standby girl or guy and still be able to shop at the candy store looking for something, perhaps, a little tastier. Take a step back, start dating others also. DAWNMARIE
i dont know . . . i can clearly see where that guy is coming from . . . if i could go back in time, i would have done the same . . . he’s just making sure she’s the right one. DONT HATE ON HIM
I think we tend to rush into exclusive relationships. There’s nothing wrong with either of you continuing to see other people for much longer than 4 months. MRS_J
I would not go vacation with someone that I did not have an exclusive relationship with. I would be curious about the reason for his divorce. Maybe he liked to date someone once a week when he was married. Sorry, but this guy does not seem like a keeper. I think it’s time to move on. VINCA123
Forget the family, circle of friends, etc. You are dating him, not them.
LEMON
Edited and reprinted from Boston.com/LoveLetters. Meredith Goldstein can be reached at mgoldstein@globe.com. 
