Stop Google-stalking - just ask him
Q. I met a guy one night at a local bar, and we hit it off. At one point in the conversation, he referred to someone as “his first wife’’ - and then quickly backpedaled and said, “I mean my only wife.’’ I thought he was covering something up, but I had nothing invested in this guy since we’d just met, so I let it go.
We decided to meet up again, so I Googled him out of curiosity. Given all of the records one can find online these days, I discovered that there was a woman’s name attached to his phone number. Let’s call her “Sue.’’ Google told me that “Bob’’ (not his real name) and “Sue’’ had the same address and the same phone number. Bob and Sue were listed at the same address on property records as well. (I was definitely not stalking, but these days you can never be too careful when meeting a stranger.) Since I was already suspicious from the “first wife’’ comment, I decided to wait and see if he was forthcoming about his situation on our next date.
Our next date came and went, and still no mention of Sue. I even (admittedly sneakily) asked him what his brothers’ and sisters’ names were, in the event that Sue was a relative. No sisters named Sue. No mom named Sue. No children named Sue. On a subsequent date, he again made the gaffe of mentioning his “first wife,’’ at which time I jumped at the chance to say, “Yeah, that ‘first wife’ thing keeps coming up, but then you say that there’s really only one wife, and I’m wondering what that might be all about.’’’ He smiled and said, “Oh, you picked up on that, huh? I thought about talking to you about it, but not tonight. The next time we get together I’ll tell you all about it.’’
Well, the next time came and went, with no mention of Sue. At this point I feel he has made a mountain out of what is probably a molehill, and I’m wondering if he’s simply not an honest guy. I do not believe he’s still married, which is what I am expecting your readers to suggest. I’m wondering whether I should continue seeing him and ignore this elephant in the room or come out and demand to know the scoop on Sue.
While I don’t expect full disclosure from a guy about every aspect of his life by the fifth date, I do expect that when someone has several “slips of the tongue’’ that it’s time to fess up. Thoughts?
INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW, Massachusetts
A. IMWTK, you’ve done quite a bit of investigative journalism here. I’m just not sure why.
This man doesn’t have to tell you everything about himself within the first few dates, but he does have to tell you his marital status, especially if you ask. I don’t know why you didn’t ask immediately. You’re entitled to know whether the guy is married, separated, or divorced. These days, there are so many ways to find out everything you need to know about someone without having to ask. But asking is so much easier than Google-stalking.
I’m doubting this guy’s potential, in general. He knows that you’ve been stressing about his past lives (and past wives), and he has responded by being evasive. If he were an honest person who had your feelings in mind, he’d be worried about your opinion of him. Right off the bat he would say, “Sorry to be confusing. I’m in the middle of a divorce. I hope that doesn’t scare you off.’’ Sue is not your problem. Bob is.
My advice: Put down the laptop, ask him real questions, and consider that if you’re already in a place where you doubt his answers, it might be a lost cause. MEREDITH
Relationships start with trust. Whatever the reason (conversational missteps, Google, etc.), the fact is that you don’t trust this guy now. How will you trust him later? PRAGMATICALIENTE
I must say, if some guy said that the first time I chatted with him . . . I would find it odd and probably not date him at all. Who mentions “first wife’’ and then corrects himself?
SUMMA! BABY BUMMA!
Don’t bother with him. He’s playing games, and you hardly know him. Move on. GEORGE
While you were wrong to Google-stalk, you are definitely within your right to ask him straight out what’s going on with his “first wife’’ comments. That phrase leads one to believe there’s a “second wife’’ or more. No one uses that phrase after only one marriage and then a divorce. Everyone knows to say “ex-wife.’’ LINDA
The letter and responses above are edited and reprinted from www.boston.com/loveletters. Meredith Goldstein can be reached at mgoldstein@globe.com. She chats online today at 1 p.m. 
