Q. Dear Meredith,
I am a 23-year-old female, two years out of college and working full time. When I was in college, I had no problem getting guys. After I graduated, I moved home to the ’burbs to live with my parents. My love life has vanished. I have tried to meet guys various ways but to no avail.
Over the past few months I have become close with a supervisor in my office. It started out with harmless BBMs (BlackBerry messages) and a few after-work drinks - and then one drunken, sloppy Thursday night, we hooked up. The problem is, he is older and married.
Since we hooked up, I’ve successfully not hung out with him. Unfortunately I can’t control myself when he messages me. Not only do I respond, but I enjoy it. I know it’s wrong to have a crush on a married man. My friends have all scolded me to the point where I don’t tell them I still talk to him.
I know I have to cut off all contact with him, but I still want to stay friends with him and be able to network with him. Is there a way to stay friends or do I have to cut off all contact cold turkey? And what do I do when I see him in the office? How do I forget the old married guy and live my life as a 23-year-old?
BBM HAS RUINED MY LIFE, BOSTON
A. The BlackBerry messages haven’t ruined your life. What’s ruining your life is a combination of loneliness, 20-something angst, boredom, and lack of direction.
But you already know that. You don’t seem to be trying to convince yourself that this man is a potential romantic partner. You know what he provides - the male attention you’ve been so desperately missing.
Frankly, this guy’s behavior is actionable. He is taking advantage of a younger subordinate who is now worrying about how she’ll network if she decides to do the right thing. Sexual harassment doesn’t get more classic.
But instead of lecturing you, I’m going to give you a plan of action.
(1) Tell this man you’re no longer comfortable with the texts. Do it politely if you want, but do it. Don’t make it a dramatic thing; just tell him, via e-mail if possible (paper trails are good), that it’s best if you keep your relationship professional from now on.
(2) Start addressing the reason you’re enjoying the texts. You need male attention? You’re feeling lonely in the suburbs? Try online dating. I’m not promising that a new boyfriend will come of it, but it’s something to do. Seek out male attention in safer places. You’re allowed to be 23 and sloppy, just do it around other unmarried 23-year-olds.
(3) Whenever you find yourself thinking about this man, think about his wife. And then think about her again. This man is cheating on his spouse. There’s nothing sexy about that. Twenty-three is a good age to figure that out.
(4) Don’t lie to your friends - they’re your conscience. It’s their job to be your reality check.
(5) Learn to deal. Being alone doesn’t always feel great, but occasional loneliness is a fact of life. You have to learn how to be alone without doing stupid things. It’s a 20-something lesson. If you start making bad decisions to cope with loneliness now, you’ll wind up with bad partners in the future.
You don’t want to be the 23-year-old who has an affair with her married boss. She’s a cliche. Be the awesome 23-year-old who knows better. MEREDITH
You’re young; go find yourself a young man who you can trust isn’t getting any from a wife! Plus, this older man is getting sloppy like he’s 23 again? Find someone who acts his age.
MOONSERENITY
First of all, you are definitely not the only young thing he has laid his hands on in that office. If you are the first, you certainly won’t be the last. This guy is complete trash, and if you continue a relationship with him, you won’t be any better. Cut off all ties. NO, you cannot be friends. Get real. BLUEDAISY1
Oh, for goodness sake - you’re 23? You are old enough to know better! At 16 or younger you should know better. SEEBELL
Edited and reprinted from www.boston.com/loveletters. Meredith Goldstein can be reached at mgoldstein@globe.com. She chats online today at 1 p.m. 
