Q. I have been dating a married, separated man for the past eight months. He maintains a separate residence in a town close to his family’s home. He was married for 16 years, and he and his wife have one daughter, who is almost 4. He is kind, loving, smart, and fun to be around. I know he loves me and tries hard to take care of me and make me happy. I am not shy about sharing my opinions and feelings.
Here’s the rub. He moved out eight months ago, and I think he spends too much time at his family’s home in the company of his wife.
Apart from child care issues and the time he spends with his daughter - which I remain flexible and understanding about - I don’t think he should be spending any time at the residence. He doesn’t see this as a problem. I find it weird. I also think it perpetuates the idea that he and his wife are still a couple.
Typically he will leave my apartment in the city and travel north to take care of his daughter in the morning, then drop her at day care. (He’s currently unemployed.) He then heads back to the family homestead and spends most days there - whether the wife is there or not. He does the dishes, the laundry, and sometimes the grocery shopping. He maintains the lawn and will shovel snow in the winter.
Today, for example, she is home sick from work, and he is there as well. When I asked him whether he felt uncomfortable being there when she is there, he said no.
To me, his behavior and lack of boundaries signal that he is not ready to have this relationship with me if he hasn’t moved on from his last one. So I ask him to clarify those boundaries, and he waffles and seems confused about how to move forward.
Am I just wasting my time? Will he figure this out? Do I put aside all the good stuff we have between us and just move on?
AM I THE GIRLFRIEND OR NOT, ALLSTON
A. If I’m reading this right, you’ve been dating this man since the day he moved out of his family’s house. Is that right? Hmmm.
To answer your most basic question, yes, you are the girlfriend. You’re the girlfriend of a man who’s not yet divorced and is trying to figure out how to maintain a comfortable relationship with his wife and his child. It’s a little odd that he spends so much time at his ex’s house, but he’s experimenting. He’s separated. He has a lot on his plate - and you’re not necessarily the most important thing on it.
You sound like you want a real boyfriend. This guy can’t be that. He’s too busy considering divorce, maintaining a good relationship with his ex, and parenting.
Be honest about what you want. If you want it all, go find it in a more appropriate package. If you want him, start getting used to what he’s willing to offer.
MEREDITH
TRICIA
I am so sorry, but you sound like a mistress and not a girlfriend. He is still married.
EBNORWOOD
I see an entire color guard waving red flags. Why is he not divorced yet? Is it simply a matter of paperwork, or is someone dragging their feet? Don’t people usually get divorced because they no longer want to be together? There’s got to be something more complicated going on here.
HEATHERV1211
I feel so sorry for you. I know it’s not your fault. He probably initiated the relationship, but everyone is going to blame you and call you a home wrecker.
LL123
I was this guy many years ago. He is probably not someone you want to invest your emotions in, at least not at this point in his life. He hasn’t learned yet that he can’t keep everyone happy. He’s probably hanging with the wife and kids out of guilt, especially if he asked for the separation/divorce. If you want this guy you’d better be prepared to be very patient. You are not his first priority right now, not even second or third.
RUNNER4307
Edited and reprinted from www.boston.com/loveletters. Meredith Goldstein can be reached at mgoldstein@globe.com. She chats online today at 1 p.m. 
