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LOVE LETTERS

Can she soldier on in this relationship?

Hubby’s deployment is over. But since he’s been gone, life has changed for the better.

By Meredith Goldstein
Globe Staff / May 14, 2011

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Q. My husband of many years is nearing the end of two years of military deployment in Iraq and Afghanistan. He’s due to come back for good in a few months.

Everyone around me has been very sympathetic and supportive of my family during his deployment. He himself has let us all know over and over again how anxious he is to get back home and resume his life here. I get comments all the time about how difficult this must be for me and how glad I must be to know he’ll be home this year.

Well, actually, I am racked with dread.

While I am anxious for him to be out of harm’s way, I am not looking forward to him resuming his place at home. Our kids (teenagers) and I have created lives without him — we have our work, school, and social schedules the way we like them. They’re different than things were when he left. My husband is a bit rigid about how he wants things done at home. The kids and I have found that we like a more relaxed approach to life. For example, we’ve taken a couple of vacations that he would never have agreed to because it’s not what he’d want to do. I have been able to cook whatever I want because he’s not here to weigh in. I go to bed when I want, watch what I want on TV, or I don’t watch it at all.

I love him — and like him — but when I look at what my life and my stress level is now (low) compared with what I anticipate it being when he returns, I wonder if I’m going to make it through this homecoming and reentry into family life. And just in case anyone wonders, no, nobody else has entered the picture. The thought that “there’s somebody better out there’’ has not entered my mind. That’s the thing — I think I want to be by myself (with the kids).

I’m wondering if this means that I am selfish. Not a good partner. A control freak.

Or is this a common feeling among military wives and husbands who get used to life for long periods without their soldier? Have any of your readers experienced anything similar? I can’t talk about this with the military families we know — word would go straight back to my husband, and I don’t want to hurt him needlessly if it’s just cold feet.

(I should say that my husband is not career military. He’s a reservist who volunteered to go active duty, so his deployments have not been against his will. But I admire him tremendously for wanting to serve, and the example it’s given our kids has been a very positive one.)

DREADING THE HOMECOMING, Worcester

A. Thanks so much for sending this letter, because there are probably a lot of people out there — military spouses and people in other long-distance relationships — who have had similar thoughts but have been afraid to admit them. You’re not a jerk. And your feelings are normal.

I remember a friend of mine coming to me for advice years ago when she was coping with her Marine husband’s return from a yearlong deployment. Sure, she was psyched that he was finally by her side, but she wanted to claw his eyes out for loading the dishwasher all wrong. Her husband wasn’t just her husband. He was an annoying roommate who was messing up her house.

Luckily, the military has support for spouses dealing with this stuff. If you reach out, there should be a person to talk to about adjusting to real life.

Being away changes both people in a long-distance relationship. Your husband might come home wanting to take different types of vacations. He might be excited to try the recipes that you’ve concocted while he was away. He’s certainly going to be curious about the routine you’ve established with the kids.

Yes, he will annoy you, and no, you won’t have queen-like rule over the television, but there will be benefits to having him home that you can’t even imagine right now.

My advice is to (a) seek out those military helpers and (b) give your husband the benefit of the doubt. You respect all that he’s done over the past two years. He also respects what you accomplished while he’s been away. Start thinking of his homecoming as another chapter in a marriage that will continue to require adjustments, new routines, and getting to know each other all over again. It’ll be awkward but you’ll figure it out together.

MEREDITH

READERS RESPOND:

Honestly, I think it is cold feet. I think you need to wait and see what happens. He may have changed as well. He may welcome the relaxed “let’s do what we want and take crazy vacations’’ after such a rigid two years and all the stress he’s endured. POOHBEAR44

I think it’s weird that she says she wants to be alone and raise her kids, but she never mentions leaving him or the “D’’ word. But I think ultimately that’s exactly what she wants. She’s just too afraid to admit it. So she beat around the bush about how happy she is when he’s gone. SOXYGIRL123

I was a Navy wife for eight years through two deployments, one of which started right after 9/11. What you’re feeling is 100 percent normal, and you need to realize this. Being active duty, we had access to counseling that would help us with the transition with coming home. The sailors were given classes on how to reintegrate themselves into a family that’s functioned without them for so long. MELZOR

You say your stress level has been low while he has been gone. My God, what a red flag there. The stress level must have been almost unbearable if you became less stressed when he went away to war. Sounds like your home life must have been a battle when he was around. Actually, no, it sounds like your home life had been run like a dictatorship.

LIFELESSONSLEARNED

I like this letter a lot. It reminds me of the new mom feeling. When you become a new mom, you’re expected to be filled with love and happiness blah blah blah. But for a lot of women it’s a very anxious time. I also think the fact that he is coming back from an environment where he was on high alert will be difficult. Maybe try a couple of family counseling sessions. You and the kids should be a united front to say, “We love you, and are happy to have you here safe with us, but this is our life now. We will do what we can to make you comfortable and happy, but you have to compromise.’’ SARATUCK

Edited and reprinted from www.boston.com/loveletters. Meredith Goldstein can be reached at mgoldstein@globe.com. She chats online Wednesday at 1 p.m.