He has to live in LA
One more location letter ...
Q: Meredith,
I have been in a relationship for about 2.5 years with a great guy. He is everything I want in a guy with one major problem: his choice location.
We met in Boston and currently live together in LA. He is an actor and a writer and needs to be here to start his career. However as we grow together and start to talk about the future, I envision myself moving back east to be closer to family, and he sees himself living here potentially for the rest of his life.
I don't need to move back today, and I don't need to move back to Boston, just within driving distance to my family within 5-10 years.
We have talked about compromise but I am not sure if we are able to meet in the middle with this. Since I am a teacher, I suggested that during the summertime when I am off from school, I could spend a few months in Boston, as long as we could afford flights for myself and our future kids. However, he believes that it would be unfair for me to leave for an extended period of time every year.
I am at a loss. I feel like I have to choose between my family and the love of my life. What should I do?
– Lost in LA
A: Your boyfriend has made it clear that he's staying in LA. If that doesn't work for you and you're just biding your time until you move home, please end this relationship. I don't see a real compromise here. He's not planning to get a job on the next Boston-based Ben Affleck movie. He doesn't like the idea of summers away. The only other option is for you to go home during your shorter breaks -- maybe a week or two here and there. If that's not going to cut it, you know the answer to your question.
But ... here's something to consider: You mention that you wouldn't mind living in LA for another 5 to 10 years. That's a very long time. Are you throwing out those numbers to give your boyfriend adequate time to accomplish a few goals? Or would you be legitimately happy staying on the West Coast for another decade? Perhaps you like it out there. Perhaps this angst about moving home is more about what you think you should do, as opposed to what you want to do.
Frankly, I can't figure out what your gut is telling you. I just want to make sure that you're asking yourself the right questions and getting to the bottom of your own motives. I'm stuck on the fact that you'd be open to doing this for another decade. Ask yourself why.
Readers? Is there any room for compromise here? Does she seem happy in LA? Why is she open to doing this for another 5 to 10 years? Is that relevant? Help.
– Meredith
He changed his mind about a move
Q: I've been dating a great guy for a year and a half. It's a long distance relationship on the East Coast. What started out as "I'll see how this goes because he seems awesome and what do I have to lose" has become the best relationship I've ever been in. He's made me a better person, and it's hard to imagine what my life was like before we met. We love each other's families, our families like each other, and we've discussed getting engaged when we finally live in the same place. He's said he would ask me today, but I want to live in the same place before we make that jump.
When I got a job opportunity on the West Coast, we decided that it would be a great adventure for the two of us. I have a great career, and at the time he was considering making a job change. He encouraged me to take the job, and we decided he would figure things out if he didn't find a job before he got out there. We both knew it would be hard, but we were willing to make it work because we wanted to take this step forward in our relationship. He said that it wasn't his first instinct to give up a job, but knew that this was a great opportunity and that he wanted to go with me. He said he understood the risk he was taking -- the risks we were both taking -- and was OK with it.
Fast forward a few months -- a month before we leave -- and he has now decided the risks are too much, not to mention things have gotten much better for him. Things at his current job are now good. He's getting the recognition I know he's always deserved, and people have come knocking. The problem is all of these opportunities are on the East Coast. Now he feels like he has a career. Now he doesn't want to move there without a job and assumed if he didn't go we would maintain the status quo. He never even gave thought to the idea that maybe, just maybe, I wouldn't like the idea of a transcontinental relationship (much of the travel burden has been on me for the past year and a half, by the way) where I would be the one making trips because of the nature of his job. Now he says he has a decision to make ... a decision that I thought had been made months ago. He wants to go out for a few weeks over the summer and see if he can find something he likes, and if not he wants to go back East and take one of the jobs he's been offered. He has the flexibility to do that.
So here we are. I'm giving up my current job, my family, and my friends because I have a job waiting for me on the West Coast. It's a city I love. It's wonderful for my career, but the personal sacrifice I'm making is no longer offset by the gain we had planned on getting. I feel like a total fool for trusting the plan we had made together. I feel like he lied to me when he said he was OK with the risks. I'm not mad at him for having reservations (I'm scared, too), I'm mad he wasn’t honest about it. If I don't go, my career is done (I work in a small, close-knit field) but now I don't know if I can handle being there without family and friends on top of just losing who I thought was my person, the love of my life. He says I'm being "doom and gloom."
So ... my questions are: Are my feelings of anger and betrayal unreasonable? Is it unfair of me to be opposed to the idea of him coming out and checking out his options, which may leave me just as heartbroken and alone as I feel now? Is there any way we can recover from this? Can I ever count on him again?
– Coastal Confusion, NY
A: You have every right to be furious, CC. I understand how difficult this must be for him, but he made a promise. And if I am to believe your claim that you've done most of the traveling in this relationship and that your career advancement requires this jump (whereas he can pursue his career anywhere), your move should be the priority.
It sounds like he didn't really understand his own promise, and that as much as he wanted you to have this great experience, he was only supportive of the move because it was also what was best for him at the time. These questions about whether you can count on him in the future -- well, I just can't answer them. It seems to me that if he starts pushing to get a job on the West Coast, there's hope. But this will require a real job search, not just a three-week visit. He has to commit to the hunt.
If he's getting this many offers at home, he should be desirable to someone on the other side of the country. I'm OK with him getting to the West Coast later than you -- perhaps he needs some extra time to make connections out there -- but I'm not comfortable with his breeziness and indifference. If he doesn't seem to be hatching any sort of plan, you have to do some soul searching about whether you can continue this relationship.
Only you can decide whether you can recover from this. I'm not sure I could -- unless he started blanketing the West Coast with resumes and asking these interested companies whether they have any connections on the other side of the country. The point is, he has to get there.
Readers? Is she being unreasonable? Should she understand that things have changed? Should he have to move? Are you satisfied with his reaction to all of this? Discuss.
– Meredith
Dating seems gross right now
Q: I've heard people my age (30) make ridiculous statements like "I'll never find anyone" or "I'm going to end up alone." I have never been one of those people, but lately ... well it's not that I believe I will end up alone, rather I recognize that if I don't actually put some effort in to finding love, I won't find any. And this is what I'm having trouble with.
I never dated in high school or college, so with my first boyfriend after college, I didn't immediately recognize it was an unhealthy relationship. He was a big drinker, controlling, and hyper-jealous, and although he never "raised a hand," looking back, it was an emotionally abusive relationship. When I eventually broke things off, it took a long time to forgive myself for allowing the relationship to continue for as long as it did.
My second boyfriend seemed like a dream in comparison. Unbeknownst to me, he had a history of mood instability and debilitating anxiety. He was self-medicating, so I broke up with him.
That was 3 years ago, and lately I've been thinking it might be nice to date again. But I can't even go through the motions. It's like I have writer's block. The thought of flirting makes me gag and I avoid it at all costs. I see people being affectionate in public and cringe. And the worst is, if I get a crush, a cascade of events topples through my head like a bad '80s montage, and none of my crushes ever seem worth the trouble. Plus I also gained a significant amount of weight as a side effect of my own depression and a terrible job. I don't even recognize myself. And to think about kissing or having sex ... ugh ... I don't even want to think about it because it all seems gross now.
I'd like to snap out of it and feel positive and vibrant and excited to date, but so far nothing has helped. Even the fake-it-till-you-make-it route has failed me. Please help.
– Lovers Block, Boston
A: This problem calls for a doctor, LB. You mention your own depression, which makes me wonder whether you're on medication right now. If so, it's possible that the meds just aren't right for you. (Many of them affect sex drive. Some affect weight.) If you're not taking to a professional about your depression, it's time to start. All of your health care providers should be in on this problem.
You can't get excited about dating until you're excited about yourself. That's why I'm not going to pressure you to look for a partner right now. I'd rather you spend your energy on figuring out ways to recognize yourself again. It's time to look for new jobs. It's time to get healthy. I promise you that kissing won't seem so gross after you've dealt with some of these issues.
Also, I'm not sure that it's possible to fake it 'till you make it when it comes to dating. There has to be at least some genuine excitement there or it just won't work. I want you to picture the version of yourself that you fantasize about in that '80s montage (Molly Ringwald?). You deserve to be that person. Let's work on that. Honestly, I think we all have to feel montage-worthy in order to date.
Readers? Should she be dating right now? How have her previous relationships affected her ability to date? Have you ever been in a rut like this? Does she have to deal with her problems before she starts looking for a partner? Help.
– Meredith
Do guys just want to sit around?
Q: Hi Meredith,
I am a 49-year-old divorced woman who was married for 26 years. I married my high school sweetheart so I do not have a lot of dating on my side. I have been alone while raising my youngest daughter for 6 years now. My question is: What do men and women expect nowadays? What does it mean to be a girlfriend? Does being a girlfriend mean being exclusive? Do men my age want to actually date? Or do they just want to hang around each other's houses? Or maybe they just want to go out with the guys during the day hours then hang with the females at night?
I'm asking because I have dated a little, then I was asked to be a girlfriend, but the man just did not want to go OUT with me. He would go out with his buddies to the bars, and then around 6 p.m. we would meet up at each other's places and just sit around and not go out. I am out of that relationship. I am just confused now about what men in their late 40s want out of a relationship? Maybe I am expecting too much.
– Managing Expectations
A: You're not expecting too much, ME. If you want to go out on dates, you should be looking for someone who likes to leave the house. You don't have to sit around if you don't want to.
There's no cheat sheet to this. I can't make generalizations about what 49-year-old men want. They're all different (thank goodness). The only way to figure them out is to ask questions. If someone calls you a girlfriend, you can ask, "Does that mean we're exclusive?" If you find that you're spending too much time on the couch, you can ask, "Is this your normal routine? Do you prefer staying in to going out on dates?"
The most important thing is to consider your own needs. Instead of trying to figure out what all men want, think about what makes you happy. What are you looking for in a companion?
This one guy just wasn't the right match. He drank with his friends and then sat around with you. You didn't like it, so you moved on. The next guy will present an entirely new set of questions, so get ready to ask.
Readers? Any rules of the road that you can give her? Any generalizations you can make about dating in your late 40s? What does she need to know? Help.
– Meredith
I don't like him like that
**I'm having trouble seeing comments. Apparently others are too. I've alerted Boston.com. - M (at 9:30)
Don't be harsh. She loves your opinions (see last line) ....
Q: Dear Meredith,
I'm sure you hear this all the time but ... long-time reader, first-time writer. I could really use some unbiased advice. I have been at my job for a while now. I love and respect everyone I work with. There is one gentleman, we'll call him Alan, that I work with very closely, every day. I enjoy working with Alan and sometimes don't know what I'd do without him (at work). I always assumed that we had a very friendly, professional relationship.
Recently, Alan had started giving me small compliments here and there. I thought nothing of this at first, as we were always so comfortable with each other. I never reciprocated these compliments or lead him to believe that they were appropriate whatsoever. I kind of just ignored them and pretended they never happened. I have to say, we work well together and get compliments all the time on how we make a good team. But lately, it's become a little uncomfortable for me. He ended up buying me a gift, but again, I graciously accepted it, saying thank you, and that was it. I don't want it to sound naive, but I truly thought he was just being a nice friend.
As I said at first, I just brushed off the compliments, either pretending they never happened or assuming he's complimenting me at my job. But then it happened. He told me how he felt, basically telling me he wanted to be with me and asking how I felt about him. Since this wasn't directly in person, I've chosen to pretend that it never happened for now. But eventually I have to tell him my feelings. I do care for him as a colleague and friend, and I'm terrified of losing what we have. I don't want to lose our great working relationship, but need to tell him that I don't feel the same. But again, I do not feel the same way at all, and don't want to keep this weird question up in the air between us.
How do I respond politely, without hurting him, but letting him know that I'm only interested in a working relationship? Any help you could give would be very appreciative. I know your readers can be harsh after reading what they say every day, so please let them know that I love their opinions and would truly love some guidance on how to deal with this issue.
Thanks in advance!!
– Work Friend And Nothing Else, Boston
A: You have to tell Alan how you feel, WFANE. Like, now. The rejection is going to sting, but this waiting around has to be worse. I assume he sent you some sort of note about his feelings, which means you can respond in writing. (That also gives you a paper trail, just in case things gets worse at work.)
Tell him that you love your work relationship and want to keep things platonic. Apologize for not responding immediately, and explain that you've been anxious about the possibility that you might lose him as a friend. Tell him that you hope to have a relationship that's fun and supportive without being confusing.
Sometimes we can ignore problems (and people) and hope they go away. But you see this guy every day. This problem requires action. You have to be braver about confrontation and honesty because your silence is creating more problems. The longer you ignore this, the weirder it's going to get.
Put Alan out of his misery so he can start adjusting to reality.
Readers? Can she just ignore this problem and hope that Alan will get the point? What should she say? Is there any way to talk to him about this without ruining the work friendship? Should she do this in person? How long can she wait before having the talk? Help.
– Meredith
She says something is missing
This guy needs to hang with Tuesday's letter writer. So many "break" letters these past few weeks.
Q: Dear Readers and Meredith,
I was most recently in a relationship with a girl for the past year and a half roughly. We met through friends and are in our mid-20s. We're both finishing up our master's degrees and deeply in love with each other.
She has been the only girl I've opened up to and had a real relationship with. We've been on a break for over a month. She told me the reasons for our break are that something is missing in our relationship. She has not told specifically what is missing.
While we were together, it was the greatest time of my life. We talked about the future. I became close with her family and her friends and we seemed like the perfect couple.
She says she understands that I've been there for all of her bad days. She has expressed to me that our break might be a mistake and that she hopes for nothing more than we find each other in the future.
I've given her all the space she needs but I don't know what to do. I still have feelings there and she is the one who I thought was my soul mate.
Any help would be appreciated.
– On a Break, Massachusetts
A: She says something is missing, and now you're on a break. That means it's over, OAB. I don't care about her hopes for the future. What counts is right now. Right now you're not together.
There's nothing you can do to make this better because this is on her. You've already asked her what she needs and she told you space. Now it's time for you to tell her what you need -- which is a boundary. If you're not a couple anymore, you need to call this a break up so that you can spend your energy mourning her and moving on. No more breaks. No more ambiguity. You need to take the next step.
No matter what happens, stop using the phrase "soul mate." This woman might be one of the great loves of your life, but there are others out there. If soul mates existed, they wouldn't ask for breaks. What you have is a girlfriend. You love her, but she might not want to stick around. If that's the case, something's missing for you too.
Readers? Any possibility this woman will come around? Should he force a breakup? Advise.
– Meredith
Should I miss him more?
Q: I am dating this guy. We have known each other since we were little. We became really close like three years ago, and started dating just five months ago. We live in different cities (like 50 minutes apart from each other), but we still see each other almost every weekend. And we do a lot of Skype.
We are both in college so we are pretty busy. I also have a job and work a few hours a week.
Now to the point. Last weekend, I asked him not to come see me. I just kind of wanted a break. Time for myself. Time with my friends (whom I hadn't hung out with more than twice since we started dating). And it really has nothing to do with him. I just needed some "me time." Yesterday we were talking and he said that sometimes he felt like he misses me more than I miss him. He even said that he feels my attitude is indifferent about seeing him over the weekend. It made me think, how bad is that?
I know I love him. There's no doubt. I feel great when we are together. But it's true that I don't miss him all the time. And also, spending too much time with him (an entire spring break) can get annoying by the end. I feel like I am busier than he is. I care a lot about school. I have priorities and so does he, but it's like I am his priority No. 1. He's told me that he wishes to marry me some day in the future. And I do like the idea as well. But we are talking about four to five years in the future. I mean, we are 22 and 23. We are young and barely starting life. Is he getting too serious and dependent, or am I being too detached? I need some opinions.
– Too Detached?
A: You're not detached, TD. At five months, you like him a lot and want to make some time for him. Sounds good to me.
But he's a serious guy. Very, very serious. He wants more than you can give. You're not capable of sitting around and missing him all of the time (especially when he's just 50 minutes away). You're someone who occasionally wants a weekend alone, which is understandable, especially when you're in school and have so much to do.
Explain to him that you're as into this as you can be. Tell him what you told us -- that you love being with him but that you have a long list of priorities. If he needs more from you right now and this situation is making him miserable, you guys just aren't a good match. And that's OK. Take advantage of his communication skills (he seems like a talker) and have an honest discussion about whether you can meet each other's needs. You might love each other, but are you compatible? Can he compromise on pace ... and space?
For the record, it doesn't mean much that you were annoyed with him after spending an entire spring break together. You can be in love and irritated with someone at the same time. It's not always going to be perfect.
Readers? Does he want too much? Is she indifferent? Are they a good match? What should she do? Help.
– Meredith
He's friends with an ex
We chat at 1 today.
Q: Dear Meredith,
I have been dating "Matt" for a little over a year now. A few months after we met online, he asked me to move in with him. I didn't say no, but I waited a few more months to be ready because I felt we needed to get to know each other better. We are in our 40s. We enjoy doing many things together and have similar life goals. We are planning for a future together. He is very good to me and I love him dearly.
The relationship has been great save for a few jealous occasions. He has trust issues because of his past relationships. He gets suspicious when I go out with my friends and needs to know who is going.
He has had an ex lingering around for years. They met young and dated for about a decade. He said they never got married because she couldn't take the relationship to the next level and didn't enjoy doing many of the things he likes to do. They have stayed in touch through the years. I know they still communicate because when I asked him to stop, he said he couldn't. All I asked was that he tells me if he talks to her or sees her. He said he would but he hasn't.
I accepted the fact that he will always communicate with her because they have known each other for a long time. I also know that they rekindled their romantic relationship a few years ago to try to see whether they could have a future together. It didn't work out.
Friendship is important, especially the lifelong friendships. That 30-plus year connection is something they will always have. I don't want to take that away from him.
But now that he and I are together, I want to be the one he comes to when he needs something. I want to be the one he comes to when he is sad and needs a shoulder to cry on.
I want to have an honest relationship with this man. Is it OK for him to keep the communications with his ex a secret?
– Lost in Love, Boston
A: We don't have to tell our partners everything, LIL. Sometimes over-disclosure can imply that there's a problem when there isn't. If he's not interested in this woman and just enjoys catching up with her on occasion, he probably doesn't need to make a big confession about it. Old friends are OK. Not all exes are threats.
What's not OK is the double standard. Do you really have to tell him everything? Has he eased up on the jealousy over time? Because that will get old.
And ... how often is he talking to this woman? I can understand the occasional phone call, but is this ongoing? If she’s a close friend -- someone who's a big part of his life -- he's going to have to do a better job of bringing her into your shared world. If you're living together, you have to have a good sense of each other's communities. That's only fair.
But let's get to the last part of your letter, where you tell us that you want to be his support system. Forget about this woman for a second and ask yourself, "Are we getting closer? Does he confide in me? How is our friendship?" Those are the important questions. If you feel like things with Matt are getting better -- and more fun -- with time, none of the other stuff matters so much. If you're feeling alone in this relationship, it probably has nothing to do with this woman. It's about him. And you.
Focus on what's happening between the two of you. It's been a year now. It's time to ask yourself whether you're really happy and can relax in this relationship.
Readers? Should she be worried about this woman? What about the speed of this relationship? Do you get the sense that they're happy? At a year, how should the letter writer feel about things? Discuss.
– Meredith
Should I have broken up with her?
Q: I just broke up with my girlfriend of about a year because she wanted to step back in the relationship and have the possibility of dating other people. I am a 34-year-old man who is set in his career and she is 25 years old and just finishing up grad school.
When she first told me how she felt, I was taken aback. The first night I was fine, but I thought about it more and I just felt it was the beginning of the end, which is why I broke up with her. We had broken up once, a year ago, when she went back to her ex-boyfriend. During the relationship we had our ups and downs, but I thought we were happy. Whenever she doubted the relationship, we communicated what we wanted and we were good. Even though I thought we were happy, we weren't having sex as often as before and I chalked it up to her being tired because of school, work, and her addiction to over-exercising.
We still go to the same gym and sometimes run into each other. I always think about what could have been since we did talk about marriage and kids. We even glanced at wedding rings. Was I selfish in not giving into her request or did I make the right decision?
– Lost, Boston
A: You made the right decision, Lost. I'm sure of it. You guys had already broken up once. Despite all of the good things (and talk of wedding rings), she wanted space and to see other people. She let you let her go. That says it all.
You were not selfish. You did what was best for you and kept it honest. You saved yourself from unnecessary pain, so please don't second-guess your gut.
Try not to think about the what-ifs, because I I’m pretty sure all you missed was more wishy-washy behavior. Start thinking about what's next, and please, join a new gym. A fancy one with cool machines. The real issue is that you're running into her and getting confused. It might be nice to have a change of scenery.
Readers? Did the letter writer do the right thing? Was this a selfish decision? Did she want the letter writer to break up with her? New gym? Why is there any second-guessing going on here? Help.
– Meredith
Sick of the roller coaster
Q: Dear Meredith and LL Readers,
Over the past year (more so lately) I have had trouble being supportive to a friend I’ve known all my life.
Some background info: Last year, she ended a 6-year relationship with her fiancé who she was scheduled to marry that summer. He was her first boyfriend. According to her, he just wasn't able to meet her standards, and while she tried to deny or overlook the issues, she just couldn’t go through with it in the end. It was a very long process for her to come to her decision (as is expected when ending such a long relationship) but everyone around her already knew the answer. Yes, she loved him. Yes, he loved her. But she just wasn't happy. We were all very patient with her and tightly buckled our seat belts for the long roller coaster ride as she went back and forth. We were honest with her every step of the way, trying to give an outsider's view of the situation. At times, I guess we were too honest and said some things that hurt her.
Now, almost a year later, she is in a much better and happier place finding herself. But this happier and much bolder person is purposefully keeping her ex in limbo. She says she's just being friendly with him because he will take her back just in case she doesn't find anyone else. But her behavior is beyond friendly and is creeping into relationship behavior. For example, she recently told him flat out that she was not interested in having a relationship with him in the near future. Yet, literally two days later they went on a date. She said she was being nice. I guess she was also being nice when they fooled around, too.
I’m not OK with her purposefully keeping him in limbo; after 6 years, he's also become somewhat of a friend to me, too. It just isn't fair to him or her to put their lives on pause for a relationship that she admits she doesn't want. And if she's not purposefully leading him on, she's lying to herself -- which she insists she's not. I should mention that I am glad they are not together and think that they should remain apart (at least for now). I don’t want to say anything that pushes my bias on her but I want to be honest at the same time. Ever since I found out she was hurt by some of my opinions, I scaled back and censored myself only to find out that this hurt her even more because true friendship needs no censorship. I just don't know how to talk to her about the issue. I try to just listen, I try to reassure her that she is an adult and can make her own decisions, but for her, that's not enough. So, what do I say to her?
– Nauseous from this Never-Ending Roller Coaster Ride, Boston
A: This is Love Letters, so I can't help but wonder what this problem has to do with your love life. You have every reason to be annoyed with your friend -- her situation sounds awful and monotonous and you're being forced to watch -- but I want you to ask yourself why this stresses you out so much. Are you allowing her choices to mean too much? Have you been sad about your own relationship status while observing hers? Has watching all of this made you cynical about why people stay in long-term relationships?
For all I know, this is just about your friendship. But sometimes when we get angry and confused about other people's decisions, it's because we're projecting and worried about our own lives. Please remember that your friend's choices are her own. They have nothing to do with your future or relationships in general.
My advice for communicating with this friend is to be honest about your needs. You can say, "As someone who has become friends with your ex over the years, this is difficult to hear." Or, "I'm having trouble giving you advice about this -- I've been too close to it for too long. I can support you and care about you, but I've lost some necessary perspective over the years."
Also, give yourself breaks. Spend time with new friends. Maybe even bring your friend out with a new group so that you're both experiencing a different scene, far from the roller coaster.
And again, please make sure that you're not allowing this friend to be a symbol of anything. I might be doing some of my own projecting here (double projection!), but I fear that one of the reasons you've hit a wall is that her decisions are bumming you out about relationships. Remember, they're just two people. You're on the outside and you know better.
Readers? Is she growing out of this friendship? Is she projecting? Am I projecting? What do we do when we accidentally board someone else's roller coaster? Advise.
– Meredith
Will he be open to a relationship?
I guess we'll do Love Letters?
Q: Hi Meredith,
I had to write in after reading "Should I not have asked about our relationship status?" I, like the letter writer, have long struggled to find a balance between going with the flow in a new relationship and needing things to be defined so that we are both on the same page. I have a habit of falling for/dating guy friends and my current situation is no exception. The guy is nice to me and we are both very attracted to each other. He has made it clear that he wants to be with me, but told me that "the door wasn't opened, but it wasn't closed" to the possibility of being boyfriend and girlfriend in the future.
We have known each other for a year and a large part of my concern is my past experiences dating friends. My dating history has shown me how badly relationships/emotional entanglements with guy friends can end and I want to make sure that both of us could see a future with the other person before jumping into it. Dating without knowing that the possibility of a future is there means that I could lose his friendship and it could mess things up without our mutual group of friends.
I go back and forth between wanting to be happy in the "now" and preparing for the future. I know that I over-think things but I'm worried about being with him and then having him realize that although he wants to be with me, he doesn't want a girlfriend in general. I don't know if I want him to be my boyfriend, but I know that I want that option there. Otherwise, it feels like the relationship would have a shelf-life of sorts.
Making things more complicated, he is newly unemployed so he can't even fathom the future beyond getting a job. Should I just go with the flow and be with him or should I wait until he has a job and talk to him again?
– Trying to be happy, Hyannis
A: "I go back and forth between wanting to be happy in the "now" and preparing for the future."
Are you happy in the now? It doesn't sound like you're very happy. You're already sweating this situation and feeling a bit ... put off. Meanwhile, he's in charge of some magical door that's not open or closed. If you're ready to meet someone who's interested in investing in a relationship, this "friend" might not be the guy for you.
You've given this guy all of the power, but this is your choice, too. You're supposed to be trying to figure out what it's like to date him and whether he's worth your romantic energy. Are you asking yourself these questions? Or are you simply focused on whether he'll want you?
You can't ask him for answers about the future. No one knows how this will play out, even if you're both in it for the same reasons. But it's fair to want to be with someone who's open to more if things go well. That's the only guarantee you need. If it feels like you're just orbiting him, waiting for his decision about you, it's time to walk away.
Readers? Is she having fun? Should she be with someone whose door isn't quite open? How can she stop herself from wanting guarantees? What about the friendship? Help?
– Meredith
Haunted by the ghost of his ex
Q: Hi,
I have been dating this great guy for three months. He's someone with whom I could see building a life. We're both older (mid-30s and early 40s) and have a better sense of who we are and what we want, as well as baggage. Both of us have had serious relationships. In his case, it's an ex-wife of seven years who left him after multiple affairs he knew nothing about at the time.
Understandably, it was heartbreaking. He has taken five years working through it and feels like he is in a place to try again. However, the ex is still around in spirit -- the house they bought, fixtures she selected, and pictures where she's not visible but somehow has a connection to the subject. We talked early on because I was worried after she somehow was mentioned in every date. She's a huge part of his past and I don't want to discredit her role. The references are always devoid of emotion, usually just made in context as he shares stories from his life. Alas, her name still comes up in almost every date. I don't know what to think. On one hand, it doesn't bother me because I really do sense she is a part of his past. On the other hand, I find myself wondering if I would want to build a life around these memories. I'm not sure what to think. Is it normal to frequently reference past loves, even in an emotionally-neutral context? How do you know when someone has truly let go?
– Wondering About a Ghost, Between Land and Sea, Mass.
A: It's normal to bring up an ex if he/she was a part of your life for a long time, WAAG. But your guy has been single for five years. I'm surprised that his ex is a part of so many stories.
What did he say when you first talked about this issue? Was he sensitive? Did he understand? Does he ever talk about the last five years of his life -- when his ex wasn't around?
My advice is to bring this up again. He should know that your concerns haven't vanished. It'd be one thing if he brought her up because he sees her every week to co-parent, but it doesn't sound like there are any kids in the picture. And by now he should know how to tell stories without bringing up his ex-wife. He can say, "I've been to Paris twice." He doesn't have to say, "I've been to Paris twice ... with her."
When you have the conversation, tell him the good stuff too. Explain that you see big potential here, which is why you care so much about working this out. You understand that her name is going to come up on occasion, but hopefully not all the time. You want to hear about him. You don't need the context.
Readers? Is this normal? Is there a way for him to tell stories without mentioning the ex? Should she bring this up again? Is this a deal-breaker? Help.
– Meredith
He wants me to work full time
We'll skip chat today. I'm still away, and something tells me that Glenn will be very busy with Boston.com. We'll make up for it next week.
Q: Dear Meredith,
I got my second master's degree in 2012 and have been working part-time at a professional job since I received my first master's degree in 2011. I have spent a lot time looking for jobs in and around my field, but my husband is convinced that I am not doing enough. He says that it is taking way too long and that I should just take a teaching test since there's a need for math teachers.
My undergrad degree was in education, but not only did I hate teaching, I wasn't very good at it. My husband loathes his job and blames me for having to stay in it because I am only working part-time and we need his income. He wants to teach, and could get a similar paying job in Boston as a teacher, but he doesn't want to work there (although he does want me to work there). It is putting stress on our marriage and I don't know what to do. Should I just give in and teach, or should I keep looking for jobs that I might actually be able to tolerate? Another issue is that I could most definitely get a job elsewhere in the country, but he refuses to move. When I bring this up he gets angry and says that it isn't part of the issue, and I should forget it. Please help, I really need some advice. Thanks!
– Double Degree, Massachusetts
A: I'm frustrated just reading this, DD. Why isn't anyone willing to compromise?
My advice for you is to find a full-time job. Any full-time job. You don't have to teach. You just have to find something that pays a bit more so that you can live more comfortably while you continue to look for the perfect position. Meanwhile, your husband should be spending his own free time applying for teaching jobs in Boston and beyond. Both of you have to work to get out of this rut.
You also need to talk about your personal goals as a couple. How do you want to live? Where do you want to vacation together? How do you want to spend your free hours? Consider these questions as a twosome so that you don't lose track of what you're working for.
I understand that degrees and careers are important. Ideally, you'd both have jobs that make you happy. But for now, the goal should be helping each other as much as you help yourselves. You need to make more, and he needs a happier day job. If you both do your part, it's compromise.
Readers? Should she find a not-so-great full-time job? Should he find a better job and stop putting this on her? How can they work together? What's missing here? Help.
– Meredith
Sending love
Writing to you from Vegas at 5 a.m. (your time). As I mentioned yesterday, I'm here for a few days for a mini college reunion. It feels strange not to be home right now. We landed about an hour ago with many exhausted runners on board. The entire flight applauded them. People were so kind.
I wasn't sure whether we should have Love Letters today, but those of you who reached out last night told me that you might want a distraction from the rest of the news, and that you might need the page as a forum for community. I am always happy to provide distraction and, more importantly, community.
So I'm keeping it simple and posting one more update, which happens to contain a question. Feel free to answer it, use the page to help one another, send messages ... whatever feels right.
- Meredith
This is the original letter.
And the update:
Hi Meredith,
I took your advice and stayed with my boyfriend. We've settled into living with one another, and we've put talk of marriage off. He still wants to get married, but he's letting me take my time to figure out how I feel about it. I'm glad I took your advice because slowing down and thinking about why I think about someone else has helped me understand my relationship better.
I realize that I still think about the other guy because he made me laugh often. My boyfriend, while wonderful, rarely makes me laugh. Currently, I'm considering whether I want my relationship anyway. How important is laughter?
- No laughing matter
Marathon updates
Happy Patriots Day and Marathon Monday and tax day.
I know that many of you are out, so we'll do some short updates instead of a letter.
Also: I'm going to Las Vegas tonight with two close friends from college. I'll be posting letters from the road, but I won't be in front of Love Letters all day. I'll still be getting e-mail, so feel free to send letters and questions.
The first update is from someone who had recently seen the light.
I read all of the advice in LL and listened to the advice from my friends and loved ones, but most of all I listened to my heart and I decided that telling him how I felt was the best option. I spent a few days going over and over in my head exactly what I would say and when. I planned on telling him on the next time we hung out but at the end of the night; I figured it was the best course of action just in case things got awkward.
The day finally came (right before Valentine's Day). We spent the day together with plans to go into Boston and walk around. Suddenly everything just fell into place without a word being said between us on the Green Line. We started to hold hands and at the end of the night, when I was going to say something, he kissed me. It is great knowing that he felt the same exact way that I did. I personally have never been this happy and I can tell that he is very happy too.
Happily ever after? I sure hope so, but for now I am just enjoying life day by day.
The second update is from someone whose girlfriend wanted him to pay for vacations. I should mention that his e-mail included wedding pictures.
My letter expressed concern that she insisted that when a couple travels, the man pay for the airline tickets, hotel, everything. This bugged me. And it was at odds with the fact that she brought me boatloads of groceries whenever she visited and was otherwise more than fair, in fact exceedingly generous. Your readers told me to relax, it was a cultural thing. So I did. And when we went to Rome for our honeymoon, she and her family ended up contributing significantly, probably because it was her decision, not my making her do something. ... She is the kindest most thoughtful woman I have ever met. Why I strike her fancy is a mystery.
And finally, an update from someone who heard from an ex. I love this one.
Were I to believe in tattoos, I would scrawl "trapped under something heavy" right onto my forearm! But since I don't, I keep that saying in the back of my mind as a playful reminder to never look back at my ex and keep on keepin' on. As such, I've been dating, received an award at work, and just moved into a new beautiful spot of my own in the city. I'm finding out what I like and having fun doing so!
I never did respond to my ex, but I will say the guy does not know how to take a hint (or maybe he does, and doesn't like the hint to be had). There have been additional e-mails from him, which were promptly deleted. But this weekend's e-mail is the kicker - word for word, "Do you remember what happened a year ago today?" Yes, dummy, you dumped me! Needless to say, the e-mail's in the trash can. I was momentarily infuriated when I received it, but realized it's a lot of effort to waste on him. In fact, I don't even know why I'm wasting neurons (on him) to write this e-mail about him or his words at all, but I thought if anything, it would make for a good update for Love Letters.
Take care,
Not Answering (or Interested) in Boston
That's all for today. Congrats, runners. - Meredith
Feelings for my friend
I think it's time for some updates.
Former letter writers, I'd love to hear from you. Tell us how it all worked out -- and make sure you write to me using the same email address you used the first time around (that way I know it's you). Also tell us how we were helpful/not helpful.
Q: Dear Meredith,
Perhaps you and your readers can help me. I'm in love with one of my best friends and I don't know what to do since we have an emotional roller coaster of a past.
The background: Rachel and I met through mutual friends about a year ago. Very quickly we grew close and became an important part of each other's lives. I'm 26 and have a very respectable job in my field, while she's a few years younger and finishing up school after a few years off. Since our friendship began, there was always kind of a back-and-forth between us being interested in one another. It got to the point where we were practically dating, although she was kind of oblivious to the meaning of our actions -- spending a lot of time alone together, confiding in each other, texting for hours on end (we never did sleep together). Finally I gave her an ultimatum: we have to act on these feelings or we need to take a break as friends because I wanted more. She said she wasn't ready to be with me (though she wanted to be and cared about me) because she had to figure out some stuff about herself and she was scared of a relationship going badly and subsequently ruining a close friendship. We were both crushed by this, but it had to happen. So I cut her out of my life completely for a while.
Shortly after this, I found out that she started going on dates and sleeping with a mutual friend, John. My sadness about the state of our friendship turned into anger and hurt. She could act on her feelings for John but not me? Especially when EVERYONE that knew both of us told Rachel she was stupid for getting involved with John because I'm a better catch than he is in every possible way. I was so angry I never intended to speak to her again. (The thing between Rachel and John ended quickly to no one's surprise).
About a month later, I finally lost the energy to be angry and because we have mutual friends, I asked Rachel to talk. My original intentions were to reconcile so we could at least stand in the same room without it being awkward. The talk ended up going better than expected. She acknowledged that she hurt me and that she should have acted on any feelings for me instead of putting me in that weird gray zone. I told her we could be friends again, but that she would have to earn my trust back, and that if she ever hurt me like that again I would be out of her life forever. She was blown away by how forgiving I was and promised to never take my friendship for granted again.
Presently we're back to being close friends. The only difference is that I don't confide in her because of the lack of trust. However, the feelings I had for her are slowly coming back. I think about her a lot, we talk a lot, and we see each other often. She's not involved with anyone right now, but I can't stand the thought of her getting involved with someone else at some point. I told myself (and her when we reconciled) I would never pursue her again, and I feel like talking to her about this would ruin the friendship we just got back. I tried using dating to get over these feelings, but it's either a one night stand or doesn't go anywhere. I don't know how to view our friendship without any romantic thoughts.
– Lovesick Over A Friend, Boston
A: I don't know why you're so desperate to maintain this friendship, LOAF. You know your goal here. You say at the beginning of your letter that you're in love with Rachel. You want to be her boyfriend.
Instead of punishing her for making a decision that hurt your feelings, tell her that you've come to terms with what happened and that you're ready to try a romantic relationship. You're single. She's single and in a better place. What's stopping you? Your pride? Your fear of a second rejection? Your need to call her a friend when she's obviously more?
I'm not saying that she's totally innocent here. It sounds like she led you on quite a bit, which isn't very nice. But she didn't cheat. She's always been honest with you when you asked her direct questions. She just made you feel bad. That's forgivable.
You've basically reunited for a do-over. You can use that do-over to force a friendship or you can ask for more and see what she's capable of this time around. If she says no again, at least you'll know how to set your boundaries.
Readers? Why did he tell her that he wouldn't pursue her again? Does she want to date him? Should they try a friendship? Should he ask for more right now or wait to see how this evolves? Help.
– Meredith
I think he's dating a gold digger
Q: Dear Meredith,
My brother-in-law lost his wife to cancer last year (his wife was my husband's sister). He's in his 40s so naturally we expected him to find someone special, eventually, after recovering from his profound loss. Just weeks after her death, however, his wife's friend began inviting him out ... often. She made frequent offers to have dinner with him, drinks, etc. We all assumed she was a dear friend whose only concern was to lift his spirits. We recently found out, however, that he actually didn't know her very well at all prior to his wife's death.
My brother-in-law and his wife were both executives and because their professional lives were so demanding, they never had children. They accumulated considerable wealth in the 20 years that they were married. This woman is aware of my brother-in-law's financial situation.
For the last year, we have found it difficult to stay in contact with my brother-in-law. The new woman monopolized all of his time, preventing him essentially from seeing anyone but her. He happens to be a favorite uncle of my children, and when we suggested that we visit for a long weekend, he was thrilled. He seemed to really enjoy maintaining the connection with us and he was excited for us to meet the new woman who seemingly rescued him from his grief. Needless to say, we were not impressed.
It was there we learned that she had just separated from her spouse shortly after my brother-in-law lost his wife. We also learned she had two very young children (under 3). All she spoke about the entire dinner was her divorce, and mostly only to him. She seemed eager to cut herself a lucrative deal and went on about the extra compensation she'd get for taking the children one extra day a week. She didn't even seem to notice that it wasn't exactly polite to go on and on with him privately while we tried to engage in conversation as a group. He obviously noticed and seemed a bit uncomfortable, trying to redirect her to converse with us all from time to time.
After she went home, we learned that she often dropped off the kids with him because she needed to work out to relieve all her stress. We spent several more days meeting up with her. At one point, she was outright rude to him. He seemed embarrassed and explained it to us as stress-related. By the time we left, we had witnessed enough. It's clear he's lonely, but it's almost as though she has cast a spell on him, warning him he would lead a very lonely life if it wasn't for her.
He's henpecked and he can't even seem to see the forest through the trees. My teenage children are very intuitive. They found her to be a totally self-consumed witch and wished they could plot a "Parent Trap" style camping trip to help him see the light! My husband and I found ourselves being very polite to her, but only out of courtesy to him, and now we believe that we left him with the impression we think she's a gem!
The more we contemplate the whole visit, the more concerned we get. In fact, I overheard her telling him that she could sell her (worthless) condo and move in with him and they could use the money from the sale to buy investment property on the beach. We've code named her Gold Digger and we need to know how to get him to ditch her ... fast ... before the divorce is finalized and she marches him off to Vegas! I suspect he'd be shocked if we were frank with him, and she seems the type who could easily manipulate the situation so that we are never welcome at his home again once he discloses to Gold Digger what we truly think of her.
He's obviously intelligent, but he's also still so vulnerable. He has all his deceased wife's photos and mementos around the house and he broke down several times when he spoke of her to us. We feel the "swooping in" is border line abusive at this point and if we say nothing, we'll regret not having made an attempt. Is there anything we can do? Should we just watch, jaws dropped, as Gold Digger moves in, kids and all? How can we quietly wrestle her out of his life without offending him by pointing out the obvious? Help!
– Rescue Mission, Mass.
A: You don't have to tell him that she's a gold digger, RM, but you can tell him that you're concerned that he's moving too quickly. You can also ask him questions about his relationship. Even simple, obvious questions will be helpful. It sounds like he hasn't been able to ask himself much.
You can also suggest therapy and a support group. A young widow and widowers support group might be the best thing for him. You're in an awkward place when it comes to sharing your opinion, but objective peers in a support group? They'll tell him what’s up. They'll also give him some context.
I get a lot of letters from people who want to know how they can stop their friends and family members from making a big romantic mistake. I almost always tell them to just keep asking those simple questions. As in, "Are you happy?" Or, "What do you want?" Sometimes our friends haven't had time to think things through. Sometimes the issue is that they just haven't told us how great they feel.
In your case, questions are good, but you can go beyond that. You can suggest the support group and remind him that he shouldn't be making any big decisions without taking time to process his loss. You can remind him that there's no rush.
At the end of the day, though, he's a grown up. He'll do what he wants. If he continues this relationship and tells you that he's happy and secure about his decisions, all you can do is just be there for him, no matter what.
Readers? Should the letter writer just be honest? Is this about the letter writer's own grief? Is it possible the brother-in-law is happy? What should she do? Help.
– Meredith
Did I come on too strong?
Q: I have (had?) a good female friend who I met while she was visiting a mutual friend some years ago. Because of my more flexible schedule, it was decided that I would show her around. So, we spent a few days seeing the sights and hanging out and talking. I think we really hit it off at least insofar as we could spend hours comfortably talking and enjoying each other's company.
Anyway, after a few days, she goes back home and that's that. We keep in sporadic touch over the years, an email here and there. Then we are invited to an event, and we each find out that the other will be there. She writes me an enthusiastic email and invites me to her city en route to the event city.
I assume at first that it's purely friendly -- after all, we'd only met each other once a few years earlier. So, I gladly accept her kind invitation under this assumption. As we talk more and more, however, it becomes fairly clear that she possibly has more in mind. I was caught off guard.
You see, at that time, I had just recently gone through a complicated breakup and was in the final stages of what turned out to be an unhealthy relationship. So, another relationship wasn't on my mind.
But then we spent an amazing week together -- nothing physical, I didn't want to lead her on, given my situation -- and I fell in love with her. I had the impression that she liked me too. So once I got back home, I made arrangements to see her again.
I wrote to her a while later to say I was moving temporarily to her area for work reasons, and she seemed very enthusiastic. I arrive, and we meet a couple of times. Long walks, beautiful conversations, good times.
Then one weekend, I have some business early on a Saturday and arrive in her area on the Friday to spend a day off by myself. We meet up later at her place and hang out. I mention my appointment early the next day, and she offers her couch for the night.
I hesitate, wondering if she meant it or was being polite. On one level, I had a feeling she was being polite, and yet I had a hard time refusing her generosity. So I accept.
As we're preparing the couch, she gets a phone call. She comes back and casually mentions her boyfriend of several months. I was taken aback and suddenly felt unwelcome. Anyway, I smile and congratulate her, and we each go to our separate rooms.
The next day, I text her as agreed to see if she'd like to hang out. After several hours, she responded to say, sorry, she'd been busy all day but let's hang out soon. I wrote back a polite message saying that I understood and would be happy to meet again, convinced that she was simply being polite.
Weeks go by without contact, and I send a quick message one day saying I'd be in her neck of the woods the next day, would she like to meet? No answer for days!
After a week -- more than enough time to respond to a text, I think -- I bite the bullet and send her a letter I'd written outlining my reasons for moving and my feelings for her, while making it crystal clear I fully respect her personal life and decisions. I wanted simply to let her know, given our history.
Days later, still no response. Now, I can't help feeling that I overstepped my bounds by agreeing to stay at her place, that she feels I'm coming on too strong, that she wants to pour cold water on my feelings etc. In short, a repetitive loop of guilt and regret replays itself in my mind -- if only I hadn't stayed over, been so pushy etc.
Am I right to be feeling this way? Did I really push too fast too soon? Or am I being overly hard on myself?
– Wondering With Regret, Boston
A: She's not responding because she has a boyfriend, WWR. You've made it clear that you want more than a friendship, so she's setting a boundary by disappearing. My guess is that you'll eventually hear from her, but it will be a benign check-in or a simple explanation of why she can't give you what you want. Your timing has been off from the start. She's taken.
If there's a lesson here, it's that a) people don't fall in love in a week and b) it's always best to communicate sooner than later. You sent mixed signals during that second visit. You knew that you were interested but wanted to take it slow. You probably could have told her that.
It's not worth beating yourself up -- this is about her meeting someone else, not about how you messed up by accepting an invitation to sleep on her couch -- but don't ignore the lessons. Much of the early communication in this relationship went on in your head. By the time you wanted to talk it out, she was with someone else. You really didn't start pushing for more until she was committed to another person.
Give her space. If she doesn't resurface, that's OK. I'm not sure you want to be around her if she has a boyfriend anyway. She's more than just a friend.
Readers? Did he do anything wrong? Did she disappear because he slept on her couch? Should he have written the letter? Will he hear from her? Can you help him sort this out?
– Meredith
Engaged ... but I still have a crush
Q: There is this woman I met about six years ago. She worked at the same company, and I actually started talking to her right away after introducing myself to everyone.
She was a very nice, beautiful woman. I didn't think anything of her since we were both from different worlds. As time passed, we would have small talks here and there and slowly I got to know her and like her. I thought it was just a little crush and that it would go away in a few weeks, but it hasn't.
I always kept it cool -- she was always so nice and we began to be friends. After I left the company, we still kept in touch and even saw each other occasionally to catch up. Well, I am now engaged and I love my girl. She's amazing and I can't wait to start the rest of my life with her.
And here is my stupid problem:
A couple months ago, while my former work friend and I were talking, she tried to kiss me. The next day, I kissed her. And then we confessed how we felt toward each other.
We decided not to follow through. I mean, we wanted to see each other, but she actually distanced herself, and I did, as well. It hurts because I truly care for her and I loved her as a friend, but she never wanted to hurt my fiancée. I know there will never be anything between us and I'm OK with that. It just stinks.
My fiancée and I were broken up when I started having feelings for this woman at work, and after some months went by, I decided that it would be in my best interest to start dating. I went on a couple dates with other girls, but then I ran into my fiancée and we got to talking again.
Now that I know that there might have been a possibility with the woman from work ... yeah, it stinks.
It's been a while since we stopped talking. I need to get her out of my head. How?
– Swimming With Sharks, Florida
A: It's quite possible that your fiancée shouldn't be your fiancée, SWS. I'm sure that you love her very much, but you don't seem ready to commit to anyone forever, at least not right now. You're longing for another woman -- someone you've adored for years. You kissed her just a few months ago. That's a big, fat red flag.
You talk about starting the rest of your life with your fiancée. I don't like it when people say things like that. You're not really starting anything. Your relationship began years ago, and there's already been a breakup and a cheat. Your wedding will celebrate the life you've already started to build -- the life you want to grow and maintain. Are you sure that you want this life forever? Is that why you're getting married?
If you really can't get this other woman out of your head, it means you want here in there. It means that you're choosing to keep her around. It's time to ask yourself why.
Readers? Should he be engaged? Should he pursue this other woman? Why didn't he before? Does he just miss her friendship? Is here a way to get this woman out of his head? What should he do?
– Meredith
Friends with a married ex?
Q: Hi Meredith,
Please help me out with a friends-with-an-ex question. We're both in our late 30s, married with little ones. Almost a decade ago, we had one of those intense relationships that seemed like it was going full speed ahead for a little while there. Until he said he was falling in love with me but couldn't be with me because ... I was not Jewish. Still, it was a sweet romance, a fun time, and we both left it with great mutual appreciation for each other.
At the time, I was too upset to be friends even though he really wanted to be. I was in love with him. I couldn't snap my fingers and make myself Jewish (converting wasn't enough).
We broke up almost 10 years ago and now I want to try to be friends. I have been reflecting on past positive and negative relationships and realize how much I value him.
Full disclosure: when we initially broke up, I consoled myself by thinking we could someday rekindle the flame after heartbreak (divorce, tragedy). Now I realize those happy romances after a sad event usually only happen in the movies. I'm older and more jaded and not expecting that to happen now.
What do you think? Should I take a chance and try to rekindle the friendship? I have to admit I'm not friends with any exes. This is uncharted territory for me.
– Still Not Jewish, Somerville
A: I don't see why you need this man in your life, SNJ. I'm not opposed to organic friendships with exes, but this one seems forced and potentially harmful. You're both married with children now. You used to have fantasies about getting a divorce and rekindling your relationship with this man. What are you trying to prove? What good can come of this?
You can value him without talking to him. You can reflect on your experiences without picking up the phone. It'd be one thing if you ran into him in the grocery store and he invited your family to dinner, but that hasn't happened. This would be a cold call (or Facebook message?) to someone you loved 10 years ago.
If you're going to sit around pondering life experiences, please spend some time thinking about why you suddenly want to reach out to this guy. Are you bored? Do you need to expand your community? Are you seeking some sort of imaginary closure? Figure out your own motives and then find safer ways to make yourself happy.
Again, I'm all for being friends with an ex when it happens naturally, but nothing about this seems natural. It just seems like trouble.
Readers? Should she reach out? Why does she want to be friends? Have you had cinematic fantasies about reconnecting with an ex after a divorce or tragedy? Can she value her exes without keeping them in her life? What's happening here? Help.
– Meredith
My ex is coming for a visit
Q: I need some advice about an impending visit to my city by an ex-boyfriend.
I dated "Brian" in college for about a year. He had liked me for a while and kind of swooped in while I was in an incredibly emotionally vulnerable place and going through a rather traumatic breakup. He brought me coffee, was there for me, and within weeks was in my bed. He is incredibly smart and sweet and really liked me, but at the time -- honestly, he was kind of a loser. He was smoking a lot of pot (I went to a West Coast public school, so this was not anti-social behavior by any means, but still), was slacking in his classes, and generally not trying at any aspect of his life.
After about a year of dating, I finally got over it and dumped him. We were in the same group of friends and continued to hang out, and over the years we've developed a strong friendship. He got his act together, finally graduated college, and is now attending grad school and pursuing his dreams. I'm proud of him. Likewise, he's been really supportive of me through the years as well.
Last summer, I was back on the West Coast visiting friends. I had been single for a while, was not feeling particularly connected to anyone, and ended up sleeping with him. It was not expected but we had a good time. Since then, he's been texting me fairly regularly, and sometimes his messages are suggestive. I do text back, but typically am dismissive of the sexual innuendo. I haven't told him that the texts occasionally make me feel uncomfortable.
I've been living on the East Coast for a few years now and he's always talked about how he'd like to visit but can't afford it. Earlier this year, he started talking about visiting again, and I told him it would be great to see him, but I didn't really take his comments seriously. But then he let me know that he went ahead and booked plane tickets to my city -- for a full week in April (he is coming next week).
I am angry that he didn't actually consult me about when it would work for me to have him visit, or whether I was actually comfortable with him staying with me for that amount of time. I'm in school and April is a very busy time for me. I live in a tiny studio and don't have a couch or any other place for him to stay. I know he can't afford to stay in a hotel. I don't know if he has any other friends in the area he can stay with, but I know that he's assuming that he's going to stay with me. He's basically just coming to see me.
To be fair, I've slept on couches at his various homes over the years (and last summer in his bed). Despite my frustrations, he's a good friend of mine and I want to be a gracious host. But at the root of it, I just don't want to sleep with him. I feel guilty that I haven't stopped his flirtatious behavior before now, but I didn't see any harm in it given that we are on different coasts and not headed to be in the same place long term again. I care about Brian a lot and don't want to ruin the friendship. I know that I need to talk to him before he comes and tell him that I don't want to sleep with him and he shouldn't expect anything from me. Do you have any advice for me about how to go about having this conversation?
– how many times do you have to break a heart?, New York
A: Just be honest. It's so easy. You don't even have to be mean. Just say, "I'm excited to see you, Brian, but I'm really busy with school next week. You might have to entertain yourself a lot." Then add, "I want this visit to be platonic. I should have said something earlier, but I'm just not interested in more than a friendship. There will be no sex. I hope that's OK. I'll understand if you want to change your plans because this isn't the vacation you had in mind."
You've been so passive about this relationship. That's on you. You have every right to be annoyed that he booked a trip without consulting you (who does that?), but he has absolutely no idea that you don't like his texts and that you're stressed about his visit. It would be so much easier for both of you if you started telling him how you feel in the moment.
I have to wonder whether you've kept quiet about your feelings because you like having him around as a Plan B or C. Really, if you know he's not for you, you have to stop the flirting. Be clear about your boundaries. Don't leave him guessing.
Also, run out tomorrow and buy a really nice air mattress. This is why air mattresses were invented. There's no reason for Brian to get anywhere near your bed.
Readers? Can she ask him to cancel the trip at this point? What should she tell him? Why hasn't she been more honest? Can they have a friendship? What should happen here? Help her out.
– Meredith
What's wrong with this picture?
Q: Hello,
I've been in a relationship for 9 months now with a man who treats me like gold. He's thoughtful, responsible, and caring. He's pretty much the whole package, but yet I have this plaguing feeling that something is missing. I can't even quite figure out what "it" is but it's enough to make me wonder if I should stay in the relationship long term. I often feel sad and cry about this feeling but feel as though it's unfair of me to make him feel like he's continually doing something wrong when that's simply not the case. I should mention that this is my first serious relationship so perhaps I am just expecting too much of him? Is it possible that one single relationship cannot provide you with everything but that you may need to get certain things out of other relationships such as friends? Or is there someone out there who could fulfill all aspects and I'm selling myself short by sticking with this relationship?
I should also mention he has had three long-term relationships before me. I often wonder how I am any different than the other girls he's dated or if he loves me because he hasn't said those three words yet. At times he makes me feel amazing and then before I know it I'm haunted by the same thoughts again and again. Please help!
–Confused Newbie, Edmonton
A: It sounds like it's time to end it, CN. You're sending serious mixed signals (to him and to me), but the big issue is that you're not happy, whether it's with him or yourself.
After nine months, you should be psyched about this relationship. Maybe a little giddy. You should be having a lot of fun. Instead, you're confused and in tears. Maybe this relationship is lacking. Maybe you're just not ready for a big commitment. Maybe you need more time to set up the rest of your life before you jump into a serious relationship. Regardless, this isn't working. You're allowed to trust your gut and make decisions about your relationship even if you can't quite explain why you feel the way you do.
For the record, no one person can be the center of your universe. You absolutely need friends in your life. It always helps to be somewhat whole before you bring in a partner. Maybe it's time to focus on yourself so that you can figure out what's really missing and give this relationship a bit more context.
Readers? Should she end this? Is it fair to stay in the relationship? Is the jealousy normal? What's missing? Help.
– Meredith
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Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a new novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith here and on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.
