Q: I am extremely torn in my current relationship. We are a homosexual couple and my partner is absolutely incredible. He is so attentive and can always lift me up when I am feeling down. He makes sure I am always taken care of and makes it very apparent that he is not OK unless I am. He shows the most genuine love for me in so many ways and I know I am at the center of his heart.

My issue is that we are 23 years apart in age. I am 22 and he is 45. Despite all of his amazing qualities, I still have so much trouble committing. I feel like if I commit, I am letting go of my youth and the life experiences that 22-year-olds have and cherish in their later years. We got together when I was 19 and had so much growing up to do. So while I love this man so much, I have this sense that I should move forward for myself because I have a long life ahead of me and I just feel that there is more out there for me to do before I settle down with somebody. But it breaks my heart to let go of someone so amazing and I know he will be devastated. Any thoughts?

– Just Too Soon, California

Q:I moved away from home 6 months ago for school and work. It was the first time I'd been away from my family for so long. I moved into a studio apartment for 2 months then started looking for a roommate because I hated being alone all the time. I met a friend at work. We decided to get an apartment and move in together. I really love living with him but I often wonder if I'm too attached to my roommate. Just to clarify: We're both heterosexual, 21-year-old men. I have never had a roommate before, so I think I do a lot more than the average roommate. I cook, clean, do the shopping, and do both of our laundry. He does help out with household duties too. I feel like a housewife but honestly I don't mind. I find myself always trying to make him happy or proud. I look up to him as a role model even though my friends don't think that's always a good thing. I don't like going back to my hometown for long periods because I miss him. I don't know what's going on. Is this normal? Am I attached because I love taking care of people and treat him like my child? Am I attached because he fills the void of my family? Am I in love with having someone to go home to? The term "bromance" describes it perfectly but it's often a joking term and I'm being dead serious. Why am I so obsessed/in love with my roommate?

– Confused In 'Cuse

Q:Dear Meredith,

I am a mother in my mid-20s with three amazing children. Currently I am living with the father of my children, who has a child from a former relationship. We broke up months ago, live in separate rooms, and have split up the house (essentially like a two-family split house). The children are able to pass between both floors. My ex and I never married, and it was never a huge issue considering I thought that we eventually would. I broke up with him because I felt he could not commit. It feels weird to say that after three children, but I slowly realized that he was controlling, every day we would fight over nothing, I never felt appreciated, and it was more stress than I needed while taking care of the family.

A little bit about him. He works full time and helps pay for the things the kids need (food, clothing, etc.). Aside from that, it has always felt like I am burdened with taking care of the kids all of the time. Don't get me wrong, I love my children and their existence keeps me fighting every day, but Mommy needs a break every once in a while. I work double shifts throughout the weekend, and a relative takes care of the kids during that time so that we both can work. During the week, I'm with the kids with no help from my ex. He believes in gender roles where the mother takes care of the kids and the father works, but I also need to work to make ends meet.

I do not mind taking care of the kids -- I just need him to change. I need a break every now and then, but he seems unwilling to help. I recently was very sick and still had to take care of the kids. He did not want to help just so I could rest. The baffling thing is that he wants to get back together. I try to tell him that things will need to change before I can commit to him. I need to know that he is willing to help. I am willing to get back with him if we can start to compromise and if he helps more than just financially. Sometimes all I ask for is 30 minutes out of the day to maybe feed the baby, or help our oldest with homework. And it would be nice if he wanted to take the family to the museum or something. Instead he works on the house (which I don't entirely mind) or sleeps and hangs out in his part of the house.

One other complication to us getting back together is that in months ago, I met this amazing guy. He is honest, straightforward, and always fun to be with. I feel very comfortable around him and can tell him anything. We went on a few dates but he has been very clear that he does not believe he could be in a relationship with me because of the kids and all the drama with my ex. I do not mind, and I completely understand where he is coming from, so we have grown to be great friends. My ex knows of him, but has said that if he and I were to get back together, I would have to end the friendship I have made with him. I cherish the relationship I have with my friend, and he is one of the only people I can tell anything.

Now that you have enough of the background, should I try to find a way to have a relationship with my ex? Is there a way to create boundaries between my ex and I, but not have it hurt the kids? Do I have to move out? I want him included in their lives, but I do not want to suffer everyday having to fight with him and having him tell me everything I am doing wrong. Is it right of him to ask that I end my friendship?

– Doesn't Know What to Do, Cambridge

Q: My husband and I are recently married. While kids aren't happening yet (maybe within the next 2 years), I often wonder if they're even possible. I have no idea where life will take us when we do decide to have kids, but I'd like to feel confident about kids before going into it.

I know a lot of people have this issue, but my husband works a demanding job and commutes an hour each way to and from work. He leaves early in the morning and doesn't get home until 8 at night. On weekends, since he works so many hours during the week, he sits around and watches TV or plays video games all the time. Because of this, he rarely helps me out around the house, even small things like vacuuming and doing dishes. I have to ask him a million times to do something. For example, I wound up putting up all our Christmas lights because there was never a good time he felt like helping me out.

It makes me wonder: How much of a father will he be to our kids? Am I going to be out there seven months pregnant shoveling two feet of snow in the winter because he doesn't feel like getting up to help? Who's going to take the kid to day care, to school, to practice? He'll never be around to be a part of their lives, and I'm not sure I'm up to the task to essentially be a single mom. (I already take care of the dog by myself, and even that's taking a toll on me.)

I did briefly mention this to him once before, and he got very defensive about it. It almost sounded like "I work long hours and make three times your salary to support our lifestyle. Because you make less and work less hours, you have the time to do things like clean and take care of kids." He never came out and said that specifically, but that's the point he got across.

I will not ask him to quit his job or find a job closer to home. That feels selfish. He likes his job and it's a stable paycheck. He also has no intention of finding a new job to be closer to home, and unless we sell our house we can't move either. Is there a way to approach this situation without making him feel discriminated against or that I'm saying he'll be an awful father? Or do I just need to accept the fact he'll never be home to see our kids and help me out?

– Married mom-to-be, Woburn

Q: Dear Meredith,

I love my boyfriend. Here's my problem: A few months into our relationship, I met someone else. We spent one weekend together (my boyfriend was away). Nothing physical happened, but there was emotional cheating. I felt as if I could tell him my whole life story. After a week of seeing him almost every day and texting throughout the day, I felt horrible. I was crying hysterically over being this person who would essentially date someone else while having a boyfriend. The idea of breaking up with my boyfriend physically made me sick. I asked the other guy to get together so that I could tell him in person that I couldn’t be friends with him since I clearly wanted more than that. I didn't want to give up my boyfriend for him. The other guy was mad and hurt and stopped all contact with me. At first I was upset, but eventually, I was so relieved.

Fast forward: It's now seven months later, and my relationship with my boyfriend has only gotten better. We moved in almost two months ago, and it's fabulous. We talk about getting married, and I think he's making plans to propose. Last week, I saw the other guy for the first time in a long time. (We live in the same area and happened to run into one another.) He asked if we could get together and we did. It was awkward but perfectly appropriate. There was no flirting or emotional cheating or anything like that. He kept the meeting really short and was very nonchalant. He said something about getting together in the New Year, but I got the feeling he was just saying that. Anyway, instead of being relieved that he seems not interested, I was disappointed.

My boyfriend is my first real relationship, and because we are older, it's gotten serious quickly. Can you marry the first person you have a relationship with? I can't figure out how much I like the other guy versus how much I wish I had more dating experience.

The other guy is where I am from, and I'd never have to leave home for him. The truth is: I think I could be happy with either guy. I honestly think I could love them both deeply long-term. Part of my confusion has to do with the location stuff, but also, my boyfriend is really work-focused, and sometimes I wish he would spend more time with me and less time working. What do I do? Do I give up my relationship with my boyfriend and an opportunity to marry him (I know he'd never go back after a "break") just to try with the other guy? Should I ask the other guy if he’s even still interested? Leaving my boyfriend seems beyond stupid, but I'm wondering if the very fact that I'm even remotely considering this is a seriously bad sign. I feel like a crazy person. Please help!

– Crazy in Love, Boston

Q: Dear Meredith,

I am writing because I need advice on something that I feel has affected me greatly. During an 18-month period (between the ages of 18-19), I dated a wonderful girl named *Christina*. We had an amazing relationship and I thought that we would always be together. Unfortunately, she broke up with me when she went away to college. Our friendship soured and we were never able to recapture the chemistry that we once had.

She moved on to dating other guys with ease, but I had trouble adjusting to life without her. I hadn't spoken to her in 5 years when I found out that she got married last month. I had heard that she was dating a guy for a long time, so I guess I shouldn't have been so surprised. It really saddened me to see that she got married. I'm not sure if it's because I'm still single, struggling to find a job, and living at home. Perhaps I always thought that we would bump into each other somewhere and recapture that old chemistry. Now with her being married, that seems impossible.

Even though I'm 27 years old and it's been almost 9 years since we broke up, I look back on our time together and it brings a smile to my face. It was such an innocent and romantic time. After all, she was my first love. Can you please help me figure out what I could be feeling inside and why? Is it common for people to feel sad when they find out their ex's get married, meanwhile they are still alone?

– Confused in Poughkeepsie

Q: Hi,

I'm in a relationship with a fabulous man (Joe) who is the father of a wonderful 5-year-old (Jack). Joe and Jack's mom's romantic relationship ended before Jack was born. And while they have no legal agreement as to Jack's care, they have done a great job raising a healthy, smart, kind, fun boy together. Jack lives with his mom and Joe contributes monetarily to the household and sees Jack nearly every day and many weekends. I give them credit for making it work to date. However, things are now getting more difficult. Jack's mom is taking Jack away most weekends and on holidays, and Joe is not happy about this. And while he communicates it to Jack's mom, nothing changes. In fact, it is getting worse. I have been encouraging mediation as a way to a compromise, but Joe resists. I want the best for all four of us, but I have no way to make it happen for them. Should I continue my mediation encouragement or simply step back?

– Mediation Supporter, MA

Q: Dear Meredith,

I spent the last few months in an intimate relationship with a married man who I work with and have known for many years. We've always gotten along great, and I must admit that I was taken by surprise by his sudden interest in me. I did not see it coming and I reciprocated after some hesitation.

Things then took off. I heard all of the stories about the problems at home. Some I believed and some I didn't. I even caught him in a few lies. Given the circumstances, I was not surprised. It's obvious he lies ...

I am ashamed to admit that I just went along with it despite my initial objections. My thought then was that if he were truly on his way out of the marriage, it would be OK to spend time together, no strings attached. Besides, at that time I felt like I did not want a relationship. I only wanted a part-time companion.

Now, months later, I feel differently. Spending time with him has made me realize that I am truly ready to be in a "real" relationship. I want to be able to freely go places with a guy without hiding and being worried about being seen.

I don't want him to leave his wife for many reasons, including the fact that I don't feel like going public would be a good thing for either one of our jobs and I honestly don't feel like I am in love with him.

He is a nice guy. We have had a lot of good times together, but I don't know why I feel so guilty breaking it off with someone I know I could never have.

By the way, I know it isn't good enough, but I have apologized to his wife in my head about a million times....

– Overwhelmed by Guilt, Boston

Q: Hi Meredith,

I'm hoping you can give me some words of wisdom. I met a man online and we started dating back in August. I'm 40, he is 47. Both of us are divorced, his child is grown, mine is younger. We spend weekends together, we text during the day, and if schedules permit, we see each other during the week. I've even met his parents. So far everything was great until ... there is always an until.

There were some pretty significant stressful shakeups at his job. As soon as this happened, he became distant, he started giving me one-word answers, the texts slowed down, and he barely spoke to me. It was a complete 180 change in less than a week. I asked him about it and he said it was all work related and how sorry he was that he let his work issues affect the relationship. Things got a little better.

But I got the nagging urge to check his dating profile. Perhaps I'm a bit naive, but after a couple months and meeting the parents, I suspended my profile. I figured I was seeing someone so there was no need. He still has his. It's active and it was recently updated!

We had a big ol' fight about it. He said it doesn't mean anything. He's only with me. And that his updating his profile is no big deal. To me it seems like a very big deal. To me it feels like he had his three-month trial run and now wants to upgrade and look for the bigger, better deal. He says that's not the case, but if not, why update his profile at all?

A friend of mine shared her theory with me. Older daters, i.e. 40+ and divorced, have two big mile stones when they are dating -- at 3 months and 6 months. At three months, this is when people get antsy and contemplate leaving the relationship. If they stick around for 6 months then they have committed to staying. Since we've hit our 3 month mark, it appears he wants to cut and run, but why not talk to me first before updating the profile? What are your thoughts on this?

– Stunned in Boston

Q: Hi Meredith,

I have been in love with one guy for the past 12 years. To me, he is the love of my life, my first love, and, well, everything else. We dated for six years when we were younger (both in our mid 20s now), and since then have been off and on. There have been summer flings here and there, and we always reconnect like magnets when we are both single. We have also been in other serious relationships, dated other people, and moved.

We reconnected again most recently this past summer. He ended a serious relationship and I have been single for the past couple of years. As soon as we were back together, it seemed right. I thought, "Wow, this is it this is actually going to work this time." We have always been a pair that friends say will be married one day, are meant to be, and all that good stuff.

But after this summer, he found out he had to move away for work for six months. In the few weeks leading up to that, he had mentioned visiting me in Boston and wanting to see me before he left. Well, that did not happen. What happened was that he stopped talking to me all together, picked up, and moved for work. My friends have told me not to reach out to him, to let it go, and move on. Problem is, I'm having a really hard time moving on. I constantly think about him, want to reach out to him, and although it might not happen, figure out what is going on.

With the holidays coming up and the possibility of him being home, I'm unsure what to do. Do I reach out to him and see how he is, and if he'll be home?? Is this a lost cause and something I need to let go? Do I follow all those corny sayings, "What's meant to be will be?" Please help.

– First Love, Boston

Q: I have a problem. For about a year I was dating a guy who told me he loved me and did all the right things. We went for walks, he made me dinner, lit candles, gave me massages, etc. Then he kind of lost it. He only called me for sex and was never available for anything else. So I told him no and left him alone. I wanted a relationship, not just a hook up.

A little while after, I started seeing this other guy. Very nice, considerate, and a little romantic. Not anything like the first one, but he's OK. Recently, the first guy started calling me and invited me over. I went and accidentally ended up sleeping with him. He said he misses me and wants us to go back to how we used to be.

I would really like to believe in that, but I think he's just missing the sex. The new guy obviously doesn't know anything about this situation and I really don't know what to do. Should I play both ends to see if the first guy is serious or should I let them both know the situation? Or do something in between?

– Torn Lover

Q: Hi Meredith,

It's been just over a month since my girlfriend of three years decided to break up with me. I've tried to focus on myself. I've been spending more time with my own friends and visiting family, going to the gym more, and I've had some great days. But I have had a few terrible days during which I can't help but cry at any given moment.

I should probably start by mentioning that we were each other's first same-sex relationship. (I don't consider myself to be gay and do not plan on dating women in the future; I considered the attraction specific to her as an individual.)

We got together in college and have both been living separately (although she wanted to move in together) in the Boston area since this summer, after I graduated. The adjustment to full-time working life has been difficult for me, and her new job in Boston can have crazy long hours too. I have felt lonely and a little lost during this transitional phase of life. Our time together became stressed.

So, one day she showed up to tell me that she has not been happy for the past month or so (news flash) and needs time alone to figure everything out. I was shocked, confused, hurt, angry, and offended that she did not come to me with her ideas or concerns before making such a major decision (which I would call an overreaction). I felt that after three years and due to the difficult nature of how we got together in the first place (through a lot of tears and soul searching) that she owed me more respect. I had always been the more insecure one and had my doubts at times, but each time an issue arose I did the difficult thing and talked it through with her. Her actions felt inconsiderate not to mention heartbreaking.

I realize that first love is supposed to hurt for a long time, and that it has only been five weeks. It's just that some days I feel like I haven't even made any progress since the day she dumped me.

I know that I'm not supposed to talk to her in order to move on, but I don't think I can with so much lingering confusion. I need to know if there is something about me that made me un-datable after three years. I also don't think I could feel any worse than I already do, and I know she can't hurt me any more than she has, so I feel I have nothing left to lose even if talking again doesn't help. How bad do you think it would really be to talk to her again after staying strong for 3+ weeks with no contact? Would this help me gain "closure" to move on? At this point I don't want to get back together with her; she hurt me terribly and frankly doesn’t deserve me! I just want explanations ... or even just some confirmation that I was right, and she made a mistake (I know that's immature, but hey I'm only 23). Please help!

– Broken-Hearted Post-Grad, Boston

Q: About 14 years ago I made a decision between two women. I had feelings for both of them and they had mutual feelings for me, as well. I ultimately made my decision and I believe it was the wrong one. I was married for almost 10 years and I am now divorced. I think of this other woman on a daily basis even though I have not spoken to or seen her in almost 14 years. She lives in the same town as me, and I know through Facebook that she is married now. I am tempted to write a letter to this woman and just tell her that 14 years ago I should have pursued a relationship with her. I know it sounds crazy but I think somehow I am in love with her. I almost need closure because I cannot get over her. I just want to write this letter and tell her how she made me feel so long ago and express that I think she is a great person and hope she is happy in her life. Is this a bad idea? Please offer some advice. Thank you.

– Past Regret, Boston

Q: Dear Meredith,

My boyfriend and I have been together for close to two years. I love him and I know he loves me too. Our issue is related to morality. I am waiting until marriage and he completely respects that and has never asked for sex. However, he does want some sort of physical relationship, and I don't agree with it, at least not before marriage. If I stop him from touching me intimately, he backs off and says that I'm not attracted to him. I told him many times that I am attracted to him but that I stop him because I don't feel it is right. Recently, he tried again and I stopped him. He then told me that he feels lonely.

So I'm at this place where I think it's best to break up with him because he doesn't want to follow my morals and it actually makes him sad that I have these morals. I know it is tough for him and I know that my morals are difficult to deal with. It's tough for me to think about breaking up with him but I feel like it will be what's best for him.

What's your advice?

Thank you,

– Morals, NY

Q: I am another one of those "long-time readers who suddenly finds myself with a question." My husband and I have been married for 15 years and have young children. For the most part, I feel we have the "comfortable marriage" that most marriages tend to evolve into over time. My issue is with our intimate relationship. It has always been less than satisfying for me, which I always attributed to a lack of experience by my husband. I thought that it would improve over time, but it really hasn't. He always says he wants to do whatever it takes, but in the end I still find that he just doesn't know what to do to "take me to the next level." I also find that it takes a lot of effort for him to [truly enjoy the experience], and many times he does not, which is frustrating for me (and makes me think it's my fault).

Lately I've started to wonder about my husband and his orientation. I discovered that he frequently visits websites that deal with transgender subject material (including pornography), and individuals changing from one gender to another. He sometimes visits other websites featuring women too, but not as much.

I'm trying to understand what his interest in transgender material could mean. Does visiting these transgendered websites indicate that he is gay? Is this is something I need to be worried about and address with him or is transgender a subject that some people find interesting to view but does not represent who they are? What exactly is transgendered?

I'm not sure how to approach this with him or if I even need to. Am I making a mountain out of a molehill?

– What's His Deal?, Houston

Q: Hi Meredith,

I am in need of some advice and/or maybe some "just deal with it" perspective. I am a married woman with young children. My husband and I got married and then very quickly had children. As a result, we didn't have a lot of time when it was just the two of us, and the stresses of raising children have definitely gotten to us. Here is where I need the advice ...

Although I am very confident that my husband is a great father, I am much less confident that we are a healthy couple. I fantasize about divorcing him frequently, and often find myself thinking that if money and kids were not issues, I would be totally out of this relationship. I don't get much joy out of being with him, and we are constantly bickering with each other over things like cleaning, child rearing, our respective families, etc. I end up getting so angry and disgusted with him and vice versa. We've tried couples counseling and it helped a bit, but I think the fundamental issue is that I just don't like my husband very much. I find him nit-picky, defensive, annoying, and overly demanding. Any reserves we had are pretty much gone. And there's nothing really wrong with him -- he's a nice guy with a good job, good sense of humor, from a good family, etc. I'm just not that into him. But of course being married with small children makes it pretty difficult to just get up and go. I don't want to hurt them.

So, should I just deal with it and try to find things I like about my husband or should we do something else? Which is worse? Parents who don't really like each other or divorced parents? Advice? Thanks!

– Trouble in Suburban Paradise, Medford

Q: Dear Meredith,

I was raised in the Boston suburbs, traveled abroad, lived in Boston, and then moved to California for a new adventure. I am 30 and I have lived in California for the last six years. There are many things that I absolutely love about living here. I love my boyfriend and the life that we have created together. We have been dating for three years and I moved into his house this past spring. I truly believe that I have found the person I want to spend my life with. The dilemma is, I've recently been having second thoughts about being so far away from my parents and friends back home. My boyfriend is almost 10 years older, has a great job, owns his house, and has an amazing little boy. (Just a side note, his son does not live with us, he lives a flight away). I have approached the topic about moving back one day and he's not really on board. His approach is, "let's just see what happens and where life takes us." As you can see, my boyfriend is a true California guy, and I really don't see him making the move. I know I should trust him and us, but I am having a hard time knowing that we are not exactly on same page with such a big decision. What to do when your heart is on two different coasts?

– Coastal, CA

Q: Dear Meredith,

This summer I reconnected with an old acquaintance and we've been dating since early October. On paper, things are going great. We've been really communicative and honest with each other about what we want. One thing we share is that we're both hesitant to jump into a committed relationship. We both would prefer our next long-term relationship lead to marriage (I'm 30, he's 34, we've both had a couple of thought-they-were-the-ones). However, we're both focusing on pretty major career, self-improvement, and home ownership goals at the moment and don't think we're quite where we need to be to start that kind of relationship. I do think we fit each other's ideas of "marriage material" though, and I could see this progressing there eventually. We agreed that we are not exclusive, and that neither of us wants to know what the other is doing unless it starts to affect us together. There are just two slight problems.

Problem 1 is that I don't feel sparks. I think he's a great guy, he's funny, caring, passionate, has values I respect, is a great communicator, is responsible, and has strong opinions without being overbearing. We have enough similar interests to bond over, while having enough different ones that we are constantly exposing each other to new things. Physically, we're really compatible. He says and does little things that make me get mushy. But I just don't feel over the moon.

I'm having trouble discerning how much of that is just a feeling that's either there or not, and how much it can grow over time. I also think I may not be feeling sparks because I'm trying to remind myself that neither of us is in a position to dive head first into this, and we're not exclusive. After all, we've only been dating a little less than two months. I tend to get into relationships that go from 0 to 60 in the span of a week, which hasn't worked out well in the past, so I'm trying to exert more caution here.

Problem 2 is that within a week of our first date, I went to a club with some friends and met a guy. I have never, ever met someone at a bar or club, but we had an instant connection and I took him home. The night was a complete fairy tale. This guy was unreal, like someone took a list out of my head and made it exist. Except he's in his mid- 20s, in grad school, partying hard, and planning to move across the country when he graduates in a year. But he's made me realize there is such a thing as instant sparks, and perhaps I shouldn't settle for less than that.

I drove him to his place in the morning and gave him my number, but a month and a half later he still hasn't called. We actually live very close to each other, and we have a contact in common, so I could track him down if I wanted to. Some of my friends think I should let it go at what it was and treasure the moment that I got to have. Some think I should track him down and pursue this as hard as I can, because a feeling like that is once in a lifetime. I'm torn because I don't think "this is what true love is, we're meant to be together." I think "something like that can't be sustainable, reality would shatter it, and even if I still felt the same after several dates, we're not in the same place in life right now." I fully intended to take it at face value and have a great memory, but I still can’t stop thinking about it.

So I'm super confused. Was I only able to have such crazy sparks with club guy because I wasn't expecting anything more than a night? Should I track him down romantic dramedy-style to try to chase a fantasy? Am I not going to be able to feel sparks with my main guy because part of me is still thinking about club guy? Should I try to forget about club guy and keep things slow and casual with my main guy and see where it goes? And, even though my main guy doesn't want to know what else I may have going on, should I do what my instinct keeps telling me to and my brain keeps screaming not to, which is tell him about club guy and try to talk this out with him?

– Sparks vs. Stability, Somerville