Q: Dear Meredith,

I realize my situation is somewhat similar to a letter about divorce from last week, but I’m not looking for validation. I am really at odds and in need of a sounding board.

First off, I have been married for 10 years now and have two kids, who I truly love with all of my heart. I recently started my own business that consumes an enormous amount of my time leaving me little opportunity to be a father or much of a husband. My wife resents my job. She has told me as much, and I truthfully don’t hold that against her since she has essentially been raising our kids like a single mom. At the same time, if I were to walk away from my business, I know I would harbor some resentment as well for not being able to finish what I have started, a dream that I once thought would be best for my family. Now I feel like whatever choice I make will lead to failure on some level.

Lately I have been feeling more and more as if we have just grown apart. I thought maybe our kids would be the glue that would keep us together, but I just don’t feel much of a connection anymore. One of your readers not too long ago said that the opposite of love isn’t hate, that it’s indifference. That pretty much sums up how I have been feeling for a while now, since well before I started working for myself. My wife has asked me on a number of occasions how I feel or if I still love her or if she should plan to move on with her life. I guess in the past I wasn’t necessarily truthful because I hoped maybe something would change for the better. We have made efforts to try to improve our relationship but I feel like they have just gone in circles. It’s really hard, because I know she still loves me.

To complicate things further, I met someone a while back who I felt a connection with, on a purely platonic level. We don’t talk on the phone, email or text, but we have shared some great conversations and I feel like we have a lot in common. I think about her often and look forward to the times that our paths do cross; I get butterflies in my stomach, my heart races when we meet, and it pains me to see her unhappy. I haven’t expressed my emotions to her -- I don’t know if they are even reciprocated -- and won’t complicate anything further by bringing her into this before I make any decisions, but it has been an incredibly long time since I have felt anything like this that it took me by surprise to be able to feel so much life inside me again.

I have been faithful in every relationship I have ever had and have never before looked to “trade up.” I have too much respect for my wife for everything she has done for our kids and for me to ever consider cheating on her. I’m not looking to have an affair or for a reason to jump ship but is it selfish of me to want to experience that kind of happiness again?

I love my kids and will always be there for them regardless of what may or may not happen, but it worries me to think how they would be affected. I want to do what’s best -- but is staying for the kids the wrong reason? I worry about my wife, as well. I still care for her very much, but I can’t help but think she would be better off finding someone who can take better care of her. I have always put my family before me, but now I’m faced with the possibility of finding happiness again and I don’t know what to do. I cry by myself a lot and I feel like a terrible person. Please help.

– Gentleman Weeping At The Crossroads, Cambridge

Q: Hi Meredith,

I read LL every day, so I'm sure you and your readers can help with this one...hopefully they won't be too brutal!

I have been dating my boyfriend for the past three years. The majority of our relationship has been spent an hour apart, with me in Boston and him out in the suburbs. Obviously this requires a great deal of trust, and with a few minor exceptions, we have had no problems.

Until now. He came into Boston last weekend and stayed in my apartment for a couple of days, which I was thrilled about. We had a great weekend, and I started this week in a fantastic mood. But yesterday morning, I signed into my Gmail account only to find his account still signed in. (COMPLETE accident, I don't know any of his passwords and would never, ever snoop.) Quite unfortunately, it was impossible not to notice the multiple emails he had from girls he met on Craigslist (pretty lame, right?). Though I did not open any of them, I noticed that they had attachments and included multiple conversations back and forth. While none of them seemed explicit from the preview line you can see in the Gmail inbox, it was obviously a huge slap in the face.

I confronted him about what happened, and made it very clear how the whole thing made me feel. He has told me that he doesn't know why he sent the e-mails, but he has never met up with any of these people, and would never, ever cheat on me. He has obviously been so beside himself that his sister -- not knowing what happened -- texted me to ask if I knew what was wrong.

I really do love this person, and though we have our disagreements, it is difficult for me to picture life without him. Am I am as big a fool as I think I am for wanting to believe that this was all just an attempt to feel wanted by other women? Should I believe him when he says he has never met any of these people, or should I be running fast in the other direction?

– Putting-On-My-Running-Shoes, Boston

Q: Hey Meredith! I've been reading your column for a while. Thought I would write in to see if you could give me some good advice as well!

To give you some background information, my boyfriend and I have been in love since I was 15 and he was 14. I am 24 now and he is 23. He grew up in New Jersey and we had an open kind of relationship. That was the best we could do being so far apart (I was living in Massachusetts).

When he decided to go to college, he moved here and got his own apartment (paid for by his family who has money). His apartment was about an hour from where I lived so I would frequently be there and stay over some nights. Once I graduated college we decided to exclusively date. That was a little over two years ago now. We ended up moving to the town I grew up in and he decided to go back to school. He already had two culinary degrees.

During his time at culinary school, he would take jobs part time to cook because he loves to. He did not have to pay bills because his family was supporting him so he could go to school and concentrate on that. Since we moved in together, he has not been able to find work and actually, he isn't even looking. This isn't the problem here. I don’t mind him being unemployed while he’s going to school as long as we're getting the bills paid, which we are. I digress.

Now here's the problem. He is a complete SLOB! And this is coming from a girl who is a bit messy herself -- but compared to my boyfriend, I am a clean freak! He leaves his clothes on the floor (as do I, but in our bedroom) in our bathroom, wherever he takes them off. My bathroom fills up with clothes by the end of the week there is no room. When he cooks (and you sure bet he does with those two culinary degrees and no job) he leaves his mess EVERYWHERE. If onions fall on the floor as he's slicing them, they stay there until I find them and end up cleaning them up. Empty boxes from food lay around the kitchen, pieces of food everywhere. Our stove USED to be white and now it’s black and cruddy from all the grease. Also, he won't change the trash bag when it gets full. He just stacks the garbage until it can't hold anymore.

In the living room, he will move around furniture or his guitars and amps. His video games and controllers are spread around everywhere. We eat dinner on the couch in the living room because we have used up the space on the table in the kitchen with other stuff. He will bring in condiment after condiment and leave them on the coffee table. I ask him to put them away and he insists he will just not right at that moment. If he spills something, sometimes he doesn’t clean it up until days later or until I clean it up. If he knocks something over or drops something - he doesn't pick it up. Sometimes, he just throws things on the floor or table. I really don't even think he notices that he does this! I really don't think he realizes just how messy he is. Yes, I've tried telling him but to no avail.

The point is, is that I ask him to clean up after himself all the time and it doesn't get done. I work all day (wake up at 5:30am and I’m not home until 6pm) and when I get home I do not want to be picking up after him. He has school during the days but has plenty of time to pick up around the house or take the trash out. Not much to ask, I don't think. I know it sounds like a petty problem but day after day of living in mess and watching him not help out really gets to me. I usually spend my weekends cleaning. I won't even allow friends over or our parents in the apartment because it is such a disgrace. Once I finally get the place clean, a couple days later he has messed it up again.

Wow, I digress again. My question is, How do I get him to stop being so darn messy -- and if he's going to be messy how do I get him to at least help out with the cleaning.

I know people will question our love for each other and all that stuff but that is not a problem. I know he loves me with all his heart and so do I. I'm going crazy with this MESS and sometimes I do begin to question whether he loves me. If he loves me, shouldn't he care that I get stressed out and want to have a clean house? Shouldn't he want to help me? I'm not a demanding girlfriend. I let him do what he wants. Maybe that’s the problem.

Anyway, please offer some advice on how to keep my boyfriend and apartment in ORDER!

– In Love with a Slob, Framingham

Q: Dear Meredith, and LL readers,

I wrote in a few months ago as Sparkless. I had been in a relationship with someone for whom I wasn't feeling any passion. I subsequently ended the relationship, and have no regrets.

I'm writing this time around to ask advice about someone who has been pursuing me hard on and off for over a year and a half. We had been involved for almost three years starting in 2002. Talk about sparks! There were explosions! He had two children and was going through a messy divorce at the time; I had a miscarriage, and my mother committed suicide, so we had a lot on our respective plates. The relationship ended because I wasn't getting what I needed, which was someone reliable and consistent with what he could give me during a time when I needed more support than I have ever needed.

Flash forward to 2008/2009. This man has been seeing someone monogamously since we separated, but every time we are in touch, he makes it very clear that he still wants to be with me, and believes that if circumstances while we were involved had been different, we would still be together.

To be honest, I don't know how I feel. I don't like being pursued by someone who is involved with someone else. That feels disrespectful both to me and to her, and I feel like I need to take a shower. He has expressed a certain level of dissatisfaction with the way things are with her, and says that he doesn't see that relationship panning out over the long-term. He wants to spend more time with me, and I've made it clear I can only offer him friendship at this point, given his relationship status.

Am I right to sense that he is simply trying to "line me up" in order to end the relationship with the woman he's with now? Is there any reason I should take this man's advances seriously? I really don't want to waste my time and am actually quite happy being unattached right now. It's lovely making decisions only for myself, without having to take another person's needs into account, and I feel like my life is transforming.

Any thoughts are most appreciated!

– Playing with Fire?

Q: Hi Mere,

The question here would be: how soon is too soon?

I am 27 years old and have been dating my girlfriend for 18 months. She is the one!! She is smart, funny, beautiful … and I could go on and on. We have the same interests and the goals in life. She is my lover and by best friend. Since our one year anniversary I have been thinking more and more about proposing.

At the moment there are two main reasons we are not engaged:
1. I am waiting for the honeymoon to be over. We have not had any fights, only little arguments that have always been resolved quickly, and even those are rare. I know this period of bliss can’t last for ever and I want to see what the relationship is like once it’s over.
2. I once asked her how long she would expect to date someone before becoming engaged and she said three years. Since she thought three years was a reasonable time, I was willing to wait. I am in no rush.

The issue is that over the last month both of my reasons have disappeared. Last weekend was her birthday and I had planed a “special surprise.” She had mentioned there was a show in town she wanted to see. I bought tickets then took her out to a nice dinner and the show. Early the next morning, her two best friends called, they wanted to know if she was engaged. I was a little confused since she had said that she would expect to date for longer. It turns out she said three years so as not to rush me, but she made it clear that she is ready when I am ready.

Reason #1 disappeared when I was talking to my father; he said that waiting for the honeymoon to be over is a terrible idea. He said if had waited for the honeymoon to be over before marrying my mother they would still be dating. He also mentioned that he was married to my mother for about five years before they had a serious argument. He was not telling me to propose -- he just let it be known that waiting for the honeymoon to be over was a bad idea and it could take much longer than I expected.

If I know that she is the one is it dumb to wait just for the sake of waiting? My new plan is to buy the ring in the next six months and propose soon after.

– Waiting without reason in Brighton MA

Q: Meredith – help! I am a long time reader of your column (think you’re great) but have never written to you before. Something happened this past weekend though with my boyfriend that I am still processing, and when I got to work today it clicked – I should get Meredith’s take on all this.

Some background: My boyfriend and I have dated on and off for the past five, going on six years. Our relationship started towards the end of high school, got rocky and on-and-off in college, and has recently (the last six months or so) been very much on. It is a long distance relationship – we live two hours apart. We frequently visit though, and things have been great lately. I have always felt that we have had good communication and been open and honest in our relationship.

This past weekend, while I was visiting him, I used his computer to check a blog I read that starts with the letters Ga – when I typed in Ga, a popular gay social networking site came up as a prompt -- meaning it was in his history. I was shocked. It’s not as though I haven’t before suspected that he might be curious about such things, but it felt like proof right there in front of me. In short, I freaked out.

When he came back into the room, I asked him to type what I had typed and he did so very willing. He was shocked to see this website. (For the record, it’s a social/lifestyle website, one I’m familiar with because I have a plethora of gay friends, and it was not one of the more raunchy gay networking sites.) He said he had never been to the site, didn’t know why it was there, yadda, yadda.

He said someone else must have been using his computer. He said he was incredibly hurt that I didn’t believe him. I wanted to believe him but I also knew if I were in his position at that moment, I would have said exactly all of the things he had said. I suddenly felt as if this person I care about so deeply had been having a secret other life. I felt betrayed, hurt, confused and insisted on sleeping on the floor that night.

The next day, I looked a little deeper into the history (I’m not a snoop – I swear, but wanted to fully understand). I found that nothing had been deleted from his history in the past three weeks and the gay website had only shown up once – three weeks prior when my gay best friend had been hanging out with us/using the computer. There were sexual things in the history, as I’d expect with most men in their early 20s, but all of a very straight nature.

I told him about this and he said “I told you so, do you believe me now? I know nothing about that site.” Now on the one hand, I do believe him. If he were visiting gay sites, I would imagine there would be more than this one and they would have shown up more frequently in his history than once three weeks ago. Also, the fact that there were sexual things of a straight nature in the past weeks makes me feel that it’s unlikely it was him after all. Although I also realize that this is what I WANT to believe.

So what do you think? I want to believe him, and for the most part I do, although the whole thing has planted a seed of doubt in the back of my brain that continues to nag. I love him unconditionally and I begged him to just be honest with me – if he’s curious, it’s not a problem with me, as I’ve expressed to him my past curiosity about women and he’s been accepting of that. I know it’s different with bisexual or curious men in terms of stigma, etc. But that’s not the part that bothers me – the part that bothers me would be the secrecy and trust issue if this were in fact true. Any insight would be greatly appreciated.

– Confused About His Potential Confusion

Q: When does an on-a-need-to-know-basis situation become a too-much-information situation?

So I just started exclusively dating this girl who I think is perfect for me. We have been seeing each other on and off for about a year and just last month mutually decided to make it exclusive.

Part of the reason that it took so long for me to decide is that I was dating several people over the past year and was not ready to commit. I was a single guy in my mid 30s and was playing around without serious intentions. During my playing around days, I accumulated several friends that were simply party friends and were nothing more (no possibility of a long-term relationship).

Several important virtues that I think are critical to a successful relationship are honesty, transparency, and communication. With that in mind, I am stuck in a situation that I don’t quite know how to handle. Once I started to date my girlfriend, I severed all ties to the party girls and told them that I was now in a committed relationship and that I could not and would not want to party with them any longer. But over the past month I have been contacted by several party girls who were checking in on how my relationship was coming along and wanted to see if we could get together.

Initially I thought that it was fair to explain this to my GF in the hopes that she would understand -- and that if by some chance she came across these texts or e-mails, she would not misinterpret them. But as time went on, these emails became a bit more frequent and much more inappropriate.

My initial course of action was to completely ignore the communications with the hopes that they would just stop. That turned out to be not the case. While I think my GF handled the initial conversation very well and appreciated my honesty, I think that this might take a toll on her in the long run (as I got a fairly graphic and detailed text that I shared with her a few days ago). I do not want to lie to her, but I think it would not be prudent for me to keep sharing these messages with her.

– AG, Boston

Q: I am on the brink of divorce and have a few important questions I’m pondering before making the jump.

I’ve been married for 15 years with two healthy, resilient and beautiful children. We both work full time. My wife recently turned 40, and went through a bit of a mid-life crisis. Symptoms included going out with her friends a lot more than usual and sometimes drinking. The two things that hurt the most about this was 1) I felt for the first time she was going out to “escape” from me, and not just the pressures of parenting, and 2) Her drinking had me concerned about her safety, the well-being of the kids, and that she was generally becoming someone I didn’t like anymore. I was madly in love with her before this phase in her life.

I confronted her with my concerns. I told her I felt we were growing apart, and that I’ve never really been satisfied with the intimacy between us. Throughout our marriage, I was always the one to initiate sex. I can’t actually recall a time where she ever initiated. I finally told her how disappointing it was to not have her be as “into it” as me.

That’s when the bombshell came crashing down. She told me “there’s just no spark. I’ve always hoped it would come, but it never really did”. She went on to add that “85 percent of our relationship has been fantastic, but that 15 percent was never right. I didn’t want to screw up the 85 percent that was so good”. I can attest to this. We do get along famously, and love each other deeply (I guess platonically??). So I guess we have the classic “I love you, but I’m not in love with you” scenario. The big problem is: She NEVER had the spark for me. And the big question is: How do you get back what was NEVER there in the fist place?

We both decided we don’t want to continue living this way and that intimacy should be more natural. In our conversations, she told me “If I had to go out and find a guy to be with today, it would be somebody completely different from you”. (Ouch!) At the same time, I admitted the same thing to her, but I used the phrase “slightly different.”

The bombshell happened this summer (and what a painful, cold and rainy summer it was). We’ve since been through plenty of therapy, and with it I really feel I’ve turned a corner, and I’m ready to at least face any new reality that might unfold between us. Through therapy, we’ve discovered that our history played a big role in shaping the dynamic between us. Here are the highlights:

-- We were married very young. We saw each other on & off for a bit in high school, dated seriously in college.

-- I had probably no experience being in a serious relationship before her. She was the only girl I’ve said “I love you” too, and the only girl I’ve ever slept with.

-- Her reasons for choosing to marry me: She had very negative male role models growing up. Her father and stepfather were emotionally distant and unavailable, which caused her to be self-reliant emotionally: she never allowed herself to be vulnerable with a man. I was the “nice” guy, who would never treat her bad, play mind games, and always be available and supportive, etc.

-- She was in a verbally and emotionally abusive relationship before dating me seriously in college. That was the catalyst for her coming back to me.

-- With so little experience, I never learned the fine art of pursuing a woman, or having “boyfriend skills.” I had to learn all this stuff as I went along in the relationship.

-- Things have always been very “comfortable” between us, and I always sort of thought “This is great. We don’t have to do that ‘game-playing’ stuff. We can just be good friends and things will be fine.”

-- We both feel that divorce seems like the best option at this point. You can’t turn on attraction to somebody like a switch, and the history between us is so profound that I think it’s going to be nearly impossible for my wife to essentially “reprogram” herself to become attracted to me. I also think that if we spend the next few years beating our heads against the wall, it may only improve the day-to-day dynamic between us (which is already fantastic), and not really get at “the core” of her attraction for me. Another strong pull is the fact that I’ve never had a “20’s”. That is, I never dated around, lived on my own, experienced heartbreak (until now), etc. We’re both empirically attractive people, are young enough to find new partners, and there is a strong curiosity in both us of to see who else is out there for us (Weird, but we’re such good friends we actually talk about this stuff with each other!)

So, should we start couples therapy and confirm what we already know, or should we wish each other well, and support each others’ future endeavors? I am in the latter camp, and wanted to know what you and your readers think.

Final note: We are thinking about our kids’ well-being in this as well. Please don’t think we’ve only been thinking about ourselves. Our friendship is very strong (even through the pain & anger), and if it happens, we’re planning on mediating the divorce and doing everything within our power to ensure that everybody’s well-being is taken care of. We have both vowed to only speak highly of each other if we do split.

– World Most Amicable Divorce?

Q: Howdy. Here's the age old question: can men and women really be just friends?

I'm the woman, and I'm having a problem trying to be the friend. I'm 29 years old with a great professional career, and I'm pretty decent looking to boot. I was recently dating a man, also 29, for about 5 months who I really enjoyed being with. I knew from the start that he was a little immature for his age but that's what made him so much fun for me.

I'm a big kid as well, and being with someone who I could be absolutely silly with was great. I dare say I was even starting to have some feelings for him. Out of nowhere one day, he informed me he wanted to break up. He told me that he just didn't feel the same way about me as I did about him but that I am really great and he wants to be friends. Trying to be the ever-fabulous modern woman, I agreed. I really did like his friendship most of all. I'll admit he is gorgeous – really, really gorgeous -- and that makes it a little difficult (why is it so hard to give up the hotties?!), but things in the bedroom were lackluster. Looks are great, but we all know they only take you so far. I only started to enjoy the sex when I realized that I enjoyed actually talking to him and spending time with him.

The problem is my ego and heart. This break-up has had a lot more impact on my ego than any other break-up I've ever had. I'm actually very stunned because it was only four months and I didn't even think I was as emotional over this man as I seem to be now. I've had plenty of break-ups and two major relationships that lasted for years that didn't make me this sad and insecure. It all just seemed so abrupt to me. One minute we were kissing and cuddling and the next he told me he didn't want to date me anymore. We talked about the break-up and he told me he just wasn't feeling a spark with me but he really valued my friendship.

The things that I really started to like about this man were his personality and our conversations and the ease with which we were perfectly honest each other. In 29 years, I've never had that with anyone else. I'd really like to try to have a friendship with him because I really value these qualities but I don't know how to heal a broken heart like this. I feel blindsided and now I feel insecure about everything from my looks to my personality. I've never beat myself up like this but I just can't stop wondering what qualities about me made him "not feel it".

My gut tells me that it was nothing more than his bit of immaturity and the fact that the chase was over and he knew he had me so he lost interest. I'm trying to be his friend, not best friend, just casual e-mails and general updates about our lives. It's two months later and I have started dating other men and have had some absolutely goofball dates that I would love to share with him because I know he would find the situations funny, but I'm even afraid to do that because I know he's a little immature and I don't want him to take it as me parading new men in front of him to make him jealous. I know he's not jealous, he doesn't feel that way about me. I just don't know how to keep that open and fun friendship we had while dating when I'm so hurt that I'm second-guessing everything I do and afraid any contact with him will be misconstrued as a plea for his attention. How do I keep a friend and lose a lover without completely picking myself apart in the process? Is that even possible?

– Blue Blue Jean, Framingham

Q: Dear Meredith,

I am a 29-year-old single woman looking for a life partner. I joined eHarmony a year ago and have been dating people from the site since that time. I had a four-month relationship with a man I met on the site in November. This relationship went quickly -- we were sleeping together after the first month. But it also ended quickly. When it did not work out, I returned to the site and in June, I met a man online who I really like and have gotten to know very well over the past four months in a friendship capacity. We hang out three or four times a week, have dinner together at restaurants, go to museums and movies, and talk about everything (family, relationships, work stuff, etc.) I have always had hope that this would turn into an intimate relationship, especially given the context of our meeting. I have talked to him about my feelings, but he told me that he doesn’t feel strong enough in himself to enter into an intimate relationship right now but would like to remain friends with me. He feels that we have a positive relationship and does not want to complicate this with sex.

Okay, I’ve read “He’s Just Not That Into You” many times over and yes, it’s helpful. I’m sure the author would tell me, “He’s just not that into you if he doesn’t want to have sex with you.” But is there another possibility? Can men and women develop relationships over a longer period of time? Does he have to be sleeping with me to be interested in building a solid relationship?

I can’t deny that I am tempted to move on in my search. I even got back on eHarmony and began looking for different men to date, however I was not excited about the prospects. I feel drawn to this man and would like to continue getting to know him to see where it goes. Do you think I’m wasting my time?

– Lost in Boston

Q: Hi Mere,

Nice to finally be writing in after reading this column for so long now! Also, looked at that Spanish hotel that you mentioned…packing my bags!

Well here it goes …

I just turned 25 and I want a man!!! I’ve already got a boyfriend, but I want a man.

Here’s the deal… My boyfriend (32) and I have been going out for about a year and we are living together (2 mos. now, mutual idea), however, I think that he acts very childishly.

Just to give you an idea, here are a few examples. He jokes about everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, even when it’s not appropriate to do so. In fact, he once told me that he will never let an opportunity for a joke pass him by (which, btw, he doesn’t). This becomes a problem when I need to talk about serious things with him and he responds back with jokes. I am not getting the emotional support that I need from him.

On top of that, he always wants to hang out with his friends, which I am rarely invited in on because it’s “guy time.” Although, I’ve seen the way they act when they all get together and I don’t feel slighted in the least! But they all go to the same gym Monday thru Wednesday (7-10pm) and then almost every weekend (Thursday thru Saturday) they drink beer and hang out at bars/clubs. And let’s not forget that Sunday is football ALL day. So if you look at the timeline … I get my bf to myself m-w from 6-7 and 10-12, Saturday mornings (usually when I have to run my errands), and then on Sunday, but I have to suffer through football. However, I will be honest and say that if I gripe a bit he’ll usually cave in and spend some real quality time with me.

I noticed this behavior before, but it wasn’t so bothersome because we weren’t living together. However, as anyone who lives with their lover can tell you, everything is exaggerated within the close living quarters. It’s not like I’m looking to get married anytime soon, but I am ambitious and I have goals that I would like to reach, some major ones before 30, and I would like a guy who’s on the same page. Not one who is 32 and still trying to relive his college partying days.

Now I don’t want to be mistaken for a prude, because I can let loose and joke around with the best of them. But I’ve already done the high school and college thing and my 20s are nearly over (not that I’m depressed about that … although ask me again when I’m 30!) and I want to (although don’t feel any pressure to) start acting older and more mature.

What’s most frustrating for me is the fact that he’s way older than I am (7 yrs), and because of that, I feel like he should be at the mature stage already, yet he’s not. We've talked about this and he says that this has been -- and will continue to be -- his personality. He probably won’t change (some of it has to do with the fact that he looks so young in the face that he feels like he can still get away with acting young), so I have no misconceptions about how long our relationship will last.

However, this LL is about men in general and not my bf in particular. Because while I know that he and I will probably not make it down “Life Street” hand-in-hand, when we finally do move on (I assume when the lease is over), I want to know if what’s in store for me is an even older version of the same nonsense.

My questions are: do men ever GROW UP? Do men always remain boys and act like Ray Romano? Because if so, I’d rather be single forever then have to deal with a man who acts like a child -- i.e. Jon Gosselin.

– 32 going on 21, Allston

Q: This is a tough one to write. But the headline, if you will, is "she has cancer and I want out."

Both she and I came out of long-term relationships last winter. We met over the summer and hit it off. We did a few weekend trips, had some nights out with friends, and had plenty of alone time together, and the sex was great.

This went on for about the first six to eight weeks -- then I started to feel that maybe she wasn't the one for me. When I say “the one," I should say I am 33 and she is 31. We are both looking for a future. We never really talked about it in detail, but from the things that we have said, it was clear we were sort of both past dating different people each month.

As I said, after about eight weeks I started thinking she wasn't even in the same ballpark of a person I would consider marrying. She is very nice, treats me well and is very attractive, but she just didn't have "it" -- that thing that is indiscernible that would make me know without a doubt she was the one.

For her side, I don't think I am the one either, so I figured what the hell. I did like her, we have fun, so just ride it out for what it is, enjoy the sex and fun, and like all things in life, it will end on its own volition sometime soon.

Before going on, I need to rewind a bit. Two years ago, my 52-year-old father was suddenly diagnosed with cancer and the odds were not good for survival. It was a tough, tough fight he had -- my sister and two brothers and I were there with him side-by-side for the operations, the visits to countless clinics, etc. We watched him have some real bad days, then some real good days. As time went along, the bad days started to out number the good days, and toward the end, a good day was when he could hold food down. We lost my dad, cancer beat him. We have not been the same since. It’s so not fair -- he had so much to live for. Anyone who has been though this knows exactly what I am saying.

But now move back ahead to present day. Last week, she tells me she just got diagnosed with cancer. It is treatable and the survival rate is high, but it involves treatments, clinic visits, and hospital stays.

I can't do it. Call me weak, but last year I went though all this with my dad and it broke me. I am not in the mind-set to have to go through this again so soon -- it will be all too familiar.

I need to end the relationship with her and it is because she is sick and I feel terrible, but I need to be selfish. I would be a lousy support person for her. I know I would. I just need to end it. I don't know how though. Should I just walk away and completely shut her out of my life and give no reason? Or do I explain myself to her? For even thinking about this I feel like the worlds worst person. She is a wonderful girl and I know she will be OK, but I can't do this all over again so soon.

– Running From a Wonderful Girl Because Without Me She Will Be Much Better

Q: I am a 54-year-old divorced man dating a 55-year-old divorced woman exclusively for the past three months or so. She is a trained couples therapist, though she presently works as a career coach. Everything has been going good so far with the exception of finding the time to be together as often as we would like. Her mom has been very sick and she is taking a couple of college courses on line, so her schedule gets hectic.

The only part of the relationship I find lacking is her inability to talk about and admit her feelings. While she is very demonstrable with her actions -- including calling, touching, kissing along with PDA -- she won't say if she misses me when we are apart or if she is developing any feelings for me. For someone like myself who grew up in a house where verbal communication was highly valued and practiced, this is causing some problems for me.

Tonight we were having dinner at a nice restaurant and the subject of her lack of communication came up. She told me that in her world, actions spoke louder than words and that I should be able to figure out how she felt about me. She admitted that speaking about her feelings made her feel vulnerable -- especially since she has been hurt in the past.

I told her how it left me wanting and how even some small words of affection or discussion about the relationship from her would go a long way for me. She told me she was glad I was being so open with her and that it made her feel good that I could speak to her that openly. I told her that I thought it was somewhat ironic that as a family therapist she helped couples to communicate and yet she struggled with it herself. She agreed and then I asked her if she could try and tell me how she felt about our relationship. She said to me "I will as soon as I come back from the ladies' room" -- and then she proceeded to walk out of the restaurant and get in her car and leave. It was a while before I realized what happened and tried calling her on her cell phone which she would not answer. I waited a while and called her home and asked her on her answering machine if she would please give me an explanation, but she refused to pick up.

In your opinion, is this rational behavior for someone trained in helping couples work their way through problems? Should I continue to try and get her to talk to me about her behavior? I really have feelings for this woman but worry if she isn't a bit emotionally immature.

– Still waiting at the restaurant, Milford

Q: Hi Meredith,

I'm kind of in a confusing situation and am not sure what to do: I'm very interested in this woman at school. I know she has a boyfriend but she hardly ever mentions him and doesn't bring him to class functions/dinners. My conversations with her have always been pleasant and we seem to get along quite well, and occasionally, some of the things she says/does can be interpreted in many ways; either as friends or something more but I could never really tell. On my part, I've hinted both before and after I found out she is seeing someone that I'm interested but have not really crossed what I think is an unknown boundary.

I decided to try to get to know her better and if things went well, I was going to tell her how I felt and ask her if she considered me a friend or something more. However, right at this time, an unforeseen family crisis caused her to take a leave of absence. There was no way I was going to bring this up with so many things going on in her life and I basically accepted the fact that we were going to be friends and keep in touch.

We had dinner last week, just us, and she seemed to be doing well in spite of everything that's going on. Our conversation covered her plans for vacation and work and such. This led me to believe she's doing OK and she's taking things pretty well. Some of the things she said also could've been interpreted in many different ways and I tried to focus on a friendly conversation more than anything else.

Now it's bugging the heck out of me about whether I missed an opportunity. The next day I texted her to tell her that I had something I wanted to ask her but will do so next time (she never replied). Towards the end of the week, I texted again her to see if she would be interested in dinner, and again, she never replied.

Should I consider this to be that she only wants to be friends?

– not very good at this stuff, Cambridge

Q: I have recently started reading your column and find it very entertaining as well informative. Hope you’re enjoying your time in Spain!

I have been dating a guy (38) for the past 6 months or so. I am 36. After always dating the “bad boy” and having my heart broken over and over again (I was in a very emotionally and psychologically abusive relationship for 8 years and in a physically abusive relationship for 4 years before that), I made the conscious decision to date nice guys. I eventually met someone. He is wonderful, kind, generous, funny, thoughtful, smart … etc. We get along so well. We laugh, goof around, and wait 2.5 hours in line at the new Sonic in Peabody.

I know I fell for him a lot harder than he did for me and I was OK with that. For me this was all new, dating someone who is considerate and nice (but not crazy dorky nice), just an all-around great guy. I know he cares about me a lot and I figured eventually he would get there -- after all, it has only been 6 months. To me, we are still in the getting-to-know- each-other phase and enjoying each other’s company.

But lately, things have seemed a bit off. I am not really even sure how to explain it other than, in my past relationships when it has gotten like this, there was cheating involved. I know this guy is NOT cheating on me -- call it woman’s intuition or whatever, but I know that isn’t the case. But it’s definitely a sort of disinterested feeling. He continuously tells me how beautiful I am, how great I treat him, that he can’t believe that he has met someone so normal, that he loves showing me off to his friends, etc…. yet there seems to be some disconnect.

Then on Friday, we were texting back and forth and he dropped the bomb…. “I want to feel the magic with you, because you treat me so well, but I don’t.” I really didn’t even know how to respond to that, but obviously I was shocked and hurt. I went away for the remainder of the weekend; we didn’t really speak until I returned on Sunday night. He told me he was looking for a soul mate, that he wished it was me, but he just didn’t feel it. We talked for a bit about it …or well he talked and I was in tears. He also said that he thought that we should continue to date, that maybe down the line he might feel differently. But he just wasn’t sure. He said he doesn’t want to end things with me, but I am thinking -- why should I investment more of myself emotionally when 2 or 3 months from now he will end it when that magic doesn’t happen for him?

I guess my question is, does that “magic” feeling really exist? Or is that more just something in the movies and romance novels? I don’t think I have ever really felt what he is trying to describe. So then am I settling? I only really have 1 past relationship to “compare” to that was somewhat normal, and I almost married that guy. I know my feelings for this new guy are a lot stronger than that one. I had dated a bit since the end of my 8 year relationship, so I know there were definitely guys I didn’t click with for whatever reason and a couple of guys I did before I met this one. I guess what I am trying to figure out is how do you know when you have found “the one?”

– What is love?, Boston

Q: Dear Meredith,

I have been dating a married (separated not yet divorced) man for the past 8 months. He maintains a separate residence in a town close to his family's home. He was married for 16 years and he and his ex/current wife have 1 daughter who is almost 4 yrs. old. He is kind and loving, smart and fun to be around. We have a good relationship. I know he loves me and tries very hard to take care of me and make me happy. I am not shy about sharing my opinions and feelings.

Here's the rub. He moved out 8 months ago and I think he spends too much time at his family's home in the company of is ex/current wife. Apart from childcare issues and the time he spends with his daughter, which I remain flexible and understanding about, I don't think he should be spending anytime at the residence. He doesn't see this as a problem. I find it weird. I also think it perpetuates the idea that he and his ex are still a couple.

Typically (currently, he is unemployed), he will leave my apartment in the city and travel north to take care of his daughter in the morning then drop her at daycare. He then heads back to the family homestead and spends most days there (whether the wife is there or not). He does the dishes, the laundry, and sometimes grocery shopping. He maintains the lawn and will shovel snow in the winter.

Today for example, she is home sick from work and he is there as well. When I asked him whether he felt uncomfortable being there when she is there, he said no. There are other issues about boundaries too numerous to mention ... like him lying about attending a family birthday party with his daughter and ex in the same car (no I was not invited) and his ex calling/texting repeatedly his cell phone on his "day off" when she knows that he is with me. It could be manipulation on her part or it could be falling into old patterns. The frustrating thing is that I see it as a problem but he does not.

To me his behavior or lack of boundaries signals that he is not ready to have this relationship with me if he hasn't moved on from his last one. So I ask him to clarify those boundaries and he waffles and seems confused about how to move forward.

Am I just wasting my time? Will he figure this out? Do I put aside all the good stuff we have between us and just move on?

– Am I The Girlfriend or NOT (AITGON)

Q: Hi, Meredith,

I am under 30 and going through a divorce. The marriage lasted about 3.5 years (we were together for 6 years total) and ended because we emotionally grew apart.

I have signed all the paperwork and I am just waiting for the courts to work. Meanwhile, I am starting to think of dating again. Given that I am still quite young for a divorcee, what advice would you give for me about dating: should I not say anything about my divorce? Is it awkward that the divorce isn't final?

I am at a bit of a loss because I don't have any friends who are divorced and I grew up in a atmosphere where not many people, if any at all, were divorced. Most of the literature out there is for older women with children, so I feel a bit lost as how to navigate the dating process. I would be grateful for any dating tips you could give me.

– Young and Almost Divorced, Boston

Q: I recently moved to a new area and met a new guy. Since I know that a lot of readers are interested in ages, I am 23 and he is 27. We were instantly attracted to each other and really hit it off.

Eventually, we found ourselves together in an intimate situation. I was honest with him and told him that I was not interested in finding someone to just "fool around with." I told him that I was a relationship girl -- always have been and always will be. He told me that he was the same way. He got out of a multi-year relationship in January and wasn’t sure if he was ready to get into another relationship right away, which I understood. However, since that night, we have been constantly talking through text messages and on the phone. We hang out all the time, go on dates, have sleep overs, etc. He's even invited me to meet his closest friends who all live in New Hampshire now (we are both in the Boston area).

Yesterday, we had a talk about where we stand. I told him that I am still not looking for just someone to mess around with, and if that is what he is interested in, then we can't continue. He told me that he's just hesitant about jumping into another relationship, but that I am the only one he's currently seeing, and the first since his breakup. I told him that if and when he decides he doesn’t want this to go further, he needs to tell me. He said that he would, but that right now he's enjoying getting to know me, that we get along really well, and he wants to take things slow and see where it goes.

I know that it has only been a few weeks, but I am nervous that I am setting myself up to get hurt. He flat out said he wasn’t sure if he was ready for another relationship right now, but then he holds my hand in front of his friends, puts his arm around me, and generally acts as if we are dating. I know that he likes me and I know that he isn't trying to hurt me, but I can't help but think that he is just keeping me around until he finds something better.

Do his actions really speak louder than his words? My friends are concerned that I have given him all the "power" in the relationship, which is a game I hate to play, but it does seem to be the case.

Honestly, I am looking for advice on what I should do in this situation since I've essentially given him the milk without buying the cow.

– Feeling Set Up, Boston

Q: I saw something in your letter from Tuesday that made me think about my current relationship. The writer noted that "friends/family loved him; loved us." How important of a factor do you think that is?

My girlfriend and I have been dating for a few years. We live in the Boston area but both are from different parts of the country, so we do not get to see our families too often. But it is clear that there are some tensions when it does occur. For a number of reasons, and some definitely justified, she does not like to be around my family (maybe not everyone, but a few members and because of that it really stresses her out to go visit my family or when they all come to see us). And while my family has never said anything expressly to me, I do get the feeling that they (at least some) think I should be dating someone else.

At the same time, I am not comfortable around her family - again it isn't the entire family, but certain members I feel have never been friendly towards me.

I should note that as far as friends, all my friends like her and I believe all her friends like me. But is this family situation a problem that should impact the long-term status of our relationship? I like to see my family, and she likes to see hers, but it seems we always do so separately just to avoid a possibly tense situation.

– Does Family Matter, Brighton

Q: Hi Meredith,

I may know the answer to this before I even ask.

I have been involved with a woman (I will call her Beth) for over 2 1/2 years. When we met, she was 6 months out of her marriage with young 2 kids. I have one daughter, who is a teenager.

About 2 months ago, out of the blue, I get the “I need to fix myself, focus on my family.”

Now, at this point, I am totally in love with this woman, her kids and family (she has expressed the same for me). We have been doing holidays and vacations together as a family.

I am not saying we didn't have things to work on. We did. I was willing to work on them. Beth was not. We have had no contact. It is killing me not to see her and the kids. I am not hopeful that we will ever get back together -- but I know time will tell.

We had a good thing going, but I know I can't fight the fight by myself.

My question is -- just how do you get through this type of thing? I would have been better off being her ex-husband. At least I would get to see the kids.

– Wondering Around, Waltham

Q: Dear Meredith,

I don’t know how to start this so I’m going jump in and tell you a little about myself. I am a 23-year-old female, two years out of college and working fulltime. When I was in college, I had no problem getting guys. After I graduated, I moved home to the ‘burbs to live with my parents. My love life has vanished. I have tried to meet guys various ways but no avail.

Over the past few months I have become close with a supervisor in my office (he’s not my supervisor). It started out with some harmless BBM’s (blackberry messages), a few after work drinks and then one drunken and sloppy (remember, I’m 23) Thursday night, we hooked up. The problem is, he is older and married.

Since we hooked up, I’ve successfully not hung out with him. Unfortunately, I can’t control myself when he BBM’s me. Not only do I respond, but I enjoy it. I’m starting to develop feelings for him. I know it’s wrong to have a crush on a married man who I hooked up with and work with, blah, blah. My friends have all scolded me to the point where I don’t tell them I still talk to him. Our relationship could be compared to the typical office affair between the boss and assistant.

I know I have to cut off all contact with him but I still want to stay friends with him and be able to network with him. Is that even possible? Is there a way to stay friends or do I have to cut off all contact cold turkey? And what do I do when I see him in the office? How do I forget the old married guy and live my life as a 23 year old?

– BBM has ruined my life, Boston

Q: Here’s my question: Can love be felt at different levels? Moderate, High, Extreme?

Here’s why I ask: Two men; two completely different relationships (and feelings of love).

Past Relationship: I was completely and totally in love and here’s why:

- We were best friends for a while before dating
- We understood each other better than anyone else we had ever met
- Constant conversation and laughter (we have the same exact sense of humor)
- Shared the exact same interests & always had a blast together
- Friends/Family loved him; loved us

Side note: broke up mutually because of timing.

Current Relationship: I love him and here’s why:

- Honest, caring, genuine, trustworthy, committed, handsome, fun
- Very motivated (work, gym, healthy eating habits, to succeed in general)
- Share many interests but have different views on various things (which can be a good thing!)
- Friends/Family love him; love us

I believe I’m currently in love. Even though I am not constantly laughing and he doesn’t actually finish my sentences on a daily basis, I know he truly loves and cares about me. However, I’m confusing myself as to whether I just really like him or if in fact I do love him, regardless of the natural and rare connection I felt in the past.

In summary, am I denying the inevitable with the ex or is my past definition (level) of love a detriment to my current relationship?

To the more experienced & wiser: Please help me out of this cavity of confusion!

– Looking for advice, Salem