We need more time off
Former letter writers: I'd love to run some updates on the 4th. Please let us know how you're doing and whether we were helpful. Email an update to meregoldstein at gmail and put UPDATE in the subject line. Make sure you send your update from the same email address that you used to send the letter -- or tell me what it was so I can confirm your ID.
Q: Two months ago I broke up with my girlfriend of four years. No seminal event -- things between us simply deteriorated to the point that we spent the majority of the last year together fighting all the time. She has recently re-initiated contact with me via email, and we met once for lunch about two weeks ago. Things were perfectly cordial.
She has since made it clear that she is interested in getting back together. Given how long we were together and how briefly we've been apart, I could only see that happening successfully further down the road, once we've both had the opportunity to process and discuss what went wrong between us. I've tried to communicate this to her, but she is of the opinion that I must either commit to getting back together right now ("It's been two whole months!' she says), which to me feels like forcing the issue, or tell her that I never want to see her again. I still care about her, but I know that if we reunite too quickly it will all end the same way it did before. Am I being unfair by not taking a firm position either way, or is there some middle ground here?
– What to do, Brookline
A: It seems to me that you're either going to work on this relationship together ... or let it go. I'm not convinced that space is going to give you clarity. It'll only give you time to decide whether you prefer life without this woman. It's unfair to ask her to wait around while you adjust to being single.
You've been together for four years. You either want to work things out or see how it feels to be on your own. If you choose time apart, you can't call it a break for self-discovery. You have to call it a breakup and accept that her journey to self-awareness might include moving on and being with someone else.
I understand your need for space and time, but we can't press pause on long relationships when they get weird. If she continues to wait around against her will, she'll become frustrated and resentful. I'm not sure that any relationship can bounce back from that much stress.
Take a firm position. Decide to work it out as a couple, or go your separate ways. If your gut tells you that you really want space, take that as a sign that you really want to be on your own.
Readers? Is he allowed to tell her that he needs more space? Am I right to suggest that he's just pressing pause? Can he ask for more time? Should they be together? Discuss.
– Meredith
She has doubts
Q: Hi Meredith,
I'm 30 and I've been with my boyfriend "Mike" for almost 2 years. We met on Match.com a couple of months after I had broken up with my previous boyfriend of over 6 years. My previous relationship was very rocky and unhealthy; we had many trust issues over the years and I was never fully comfortable in the relationship. After meeting "Mike," I felt like I had met the person I was going to marry. I fell fast and hard. Six months after dating, we moved in together. Things have slowly been going downhill (on my end) from there. He is a wonderful person and boyfriend, he goes out of his way for me, we enjoy doing many of the same things, we come from a similar background, and we have similar thoughts about the future. He is definitely "good" for me.
But lately I've been unsure if he is the one for me. I can't really put my finger on what it is, sometimes I don't feel like we laugh at the same things, or he doesn't quite understand my humor. Sometimes I feel like our conversation is lacking, or that he doesn't really challenge my intellect or want to talk about things I want to talk about. He tries so hard to make me happy, but I still sometimes just feel like something is missing, or that there's someone out there that may be better for me. But I've always been a very questioning person, and so maybe no matter who I'm with, I will always ask, "Is this person right for me?"
Am I overthinking this? Do I stay with him, knowing that he has all of these great qualities and would make a wonderful husband and father, or do I try to start over, knowing that these creeping doubts will probably never go away?
– Confused in Metrowest
A: I hate telling people to end relationships that have a lot going for them, but if this is a nagging feeling and you can't let it go, you have to walk away.
I'm not convinced that there's anyone better for you out there, by the way. I mean, there probably is, but I can't promise that you'll find him anytime soon. This breakup can't be about you making the assumption that once you let go of this, you'll find someone else. This has to be about you not wanting to spend your life with this guy -- and accepting that you don't know what will happen next.
Many of us are prone to doubt and will always wonder what we might be missing. But in the best relationships we can say, "I'm not curious enough to let go of what I have -- because what I have is pretty awesome."
You sound annoyed. And you didn't express any fear about what life would be like without him. You didn't tell us that you'd miss him if he went away. That says a lot, doesn't it?
Readers? Should she stay with Mike? Are there better partners for her? Will she always doubt her relationships? Is her former relationship relevant? Help.
– Meredith
He lied about his feelings for a friend
Q: Hi,
A guy I was dating for a few months ended things recently. It was a nice breakup, ending with a simple "My gut is telling me this isn't the right thing." Totally understandable. Here's what I'm still mulling over: It came out in our last conversation that he was in love with a dear friend. He had gone through a difficult divorce years ago that coincided with the end of his friend's marriage. The two supported one another through what were tumultuous times in both their lives, and in the process fell in love. Completely reasonable. The kicker -- he never told me about the true scope of their relationship.
I had asked if he had dated since his divorce or had slept with anyone. He said only casually. To hear him say that he was deeply in love with this other woman was a blow. He said he simply wanted to build a future with someone, something that wasn't happening in their relationship, partly because she already has children and he wants his own. They had talked it over and came to the conclusion that they would only reveal their history to future significant others if asked directly, given that they were still close friends and in one another's lives.
I was taken aback. He didn't explain why his "casual" answer to the dating question was appropriate. In many respects, it's a moot point now. I haven't talked to him since things ended. I'm just left doing postmortem analysis. I am pretty confident we didn't last for reasons independent of his relationship with this other woman. But the experience has left me a little cautious in thinking about the next go around. I don't know what I am looking for here, maybe just understanding.
Are these types of relationships common? How do they normally develop? My hunch is that both the guy I was dating and this other woman are going to try dating others for a while, but ultimately end up back together. I don't know why he's trying to will himself away from it. He loves her, and she loves him.
– Still Wondering, Boston
A: "I am pretty confident we didn't last for reasons independent of his relationship with this other woman."
Please focus on that statement. You have every right to be annoyed that you dated a guy who's in love with someone else, but this was going to end anyway. I'm just glad it was a short relationship.
Don't jump to the conclusion that all men lie about their platonic female friends. And please, stop with the postmortem analysis because it will only drive you crazy. This was just one experience. And for the record, it's not a common problem.
My hunch is that they won't wind up back together, but who cares? You're out of their weirdness and that's all that matters. You can be annoyed that he lied, but you have to let this go. Spend your energy dreaming about what's next for you.
Readers? Is this common? Is it fair to jump to the conclusion that other people will lie about their past relationships? Did he commit an offense here? How can the letter writer stop the analysis? Help.
– Meredith
I ruined our great relationship
Q: Meredith,
I am going through the most severe heartbreak of my life. My ex-boyfriend and I were together about a year and a half when he decided that he wanted to break up. I am responsible for the demise of our relationship.
There was no cheating or lying involved. At that time I was going through some major problems at work and was overly stressed, and I did not communicate how stressed I was. I guess I needed a punching bag, so I took it out on him. I started fights and put him down, saying that everything he was doing did not meet my standards. I stopped appreciating him and took him for granted and became needy. Basically, I did everything that you are not supposed to do.
I feel horrible and it tears my heart apart, the way I acted towards him. A day does not pass by that I do not think of him and grieve our relationship. My behavior started only two months prior to breaking up. We had an amazing relationship prior to that, as he would say, "I was the love of his life." I have made a lot of changes in my life and have been in therapy. I have apologized to him and received a kind email just stating that we have to move on. We have not communicated for about four months. I am still in love with him; he was the ONE.
I would love to have him back in my life but I do not know how that is possible. After the breakup, I never called him or begged him to take me back. How do I go about trying to reach out to him again? I love him very much.
– Want Him Back, Washington D.C
A: I assume that when you apologized, you told him that you missed him. I also assume that at some point during the breakup, you tried to explain your behavior and promised to change your ways.
If that's the case and you've already communicated that you want another chance, you have to accept that he's gone. You don't have to beg.
There is no "ONE." And even if there were, I'm not convinced that he's it. You claim that the relationship unraveled in just two months, but isn't it possible that there were problems before the end? You were unhappy. You dealt with that by criticizing the relationship. And rather than saying, "What is going on here?" he simply ended it. It seems to me that things might not have been perfect before those last eight weeks.
If you failed to communicate your desire to stay together, there's no harm in telling him (via email, please) that you've tried therapy and fear that you've both lost too much by walking away. But honestly, it sounds like he knows what you want.
Please spend some time considering the possibility that you've romanticized the first 16 months with this guy. Wonderful relationships don't fall apart after a bad eight weeks. There's usually more to it.
Readers? Was this really just about a bad two months? When you've misbehaved, how do you convince someone that you won't do it again? Should she reach out? Do they belong together? Help.
– Meredith
This is what they talk about when they talk about love
That headline is a semi-obscure music quote. First to correctly mention in chat gets my respect. Meredith Goldstein may or may not know the answer. Regardless, she will be chatting as usual at 1 p.m. Log in below.
He's distancing himself
Q: Meredith, I need your advice. During my senior year of high school (2006), I dated this guy (A) for two to three months. I ended up leaving him for my ex-boyfriend (J). A and I remained really good friends. He tried to get back with me a few months later and then a year later, but I didn't feel anything for him anymore.
One year later, J and I had a son and moved in together. Everything was fine for a while ... but then things started to go bad and I always turned to A, who was there for me. I slowly started falling for him. We ended up being romantically involved with each other for a few years. Then, two years ago, we ended things and he started dating someone else, but we still remained great friends. We hung out together and talked for hours and everything was pretty good. We haven't slept together in two years since he's been with his girlfriend. Recently he started distancing himself from me he doesn't even want my friendship anymore (at least that's how it seems). If he does contact me, it happens after 9 p.m. and we all know what that means.
I still have very strong feelings for him, although I'm sure his went away. I'm confused about why has he become so distant? Why did he stick around for so long? What should I do? I think I'm in love with him. Your advice would be appreciated. Thank you!
– He's pulling away, Illinois
A: Why is he distancing himself? The answer seems obvious to me. After many years of confusion, he has decided to commit to his girlfriend. It's possible that she asked him to stop talking to you. Or maybe he realized on his own that your friendship is too confusing to continue. Either way, he's creating some boundaries. And I think that's awesome -- for both of you.
You're in love with a guy who is unavailable. That wasn't such a big deal when you guys were in your teens and early 20s, but your love life isn't so fluid anymore. He's been with his girlfriend for two years. It's become clear that it's inappropriate for him to maintain a close relationship with an ex who clearly wants more.
He's doing the right thing (although some communication would have been nice, and he shouldn't be calling you after 9). And without him in your way, you can look for guys who are actually single.
Call on your platonic friends for support and let A go. Respect his boundaries and set some of your own. You don't want to be pining for someone else's boyfriend.
Readers? Why did A stick around for so long if he doesn't want to be with her? Should she confront him about his behavior? Will he come back around? Discuss.
– Meredith
He looks old
Q: Hi Meredith,
I met a man a few years ago through work. We had an instant connection but did not date -- the timing wasn't right. I was engaged at the time (later broke it off) and he was dating someone. We reconnected earlier this year and hit it off again. We have been dating for a month but I'm really not sure if we are a good fit long term. I'm in my late 30s and he is in his mid-50s. All my friends tell me I look very young. I still get carded when I buy alcohol, etc.
This man -- I'll call him Joe -- definitely looks his age or older. When we first met a few years ago, he looked more youthful, but I think the stress of his job and the constant travel has taken a toll on him. He has a fit body -- it's really his face and hairline I'm not certain about. When he uses Botox, he looks like he is in his late 40s but when the Botox wears off, he looks 60ish. We have a really great connection, laugh a lot, have great conversation, and great physical intimacy. However, I have to admit I'm embarrassed to introduce him to any of my friends or co-workers.
Joe is very successful and smart, but I can't seem to let go of the fact that he just looks so much older than me. My girlfriends saw a picture of me with him and insisted that I don't date him. And I have to admit, when I look at pictures of him, sometimes I think he is too old. I'm not ready to "take care" of someone yet. And I also think -- what's he going to look like when he hits 60?
My question to you is how important is age and physical appearance? I am sure if he and I dated 10 years ago, we'd be fine. But now I just don't know. I like him so much but to be embarrassed about being seen with someone is not a good sign. I know I'm only going to get older ... at what age does the age difference no longer matter?
– confused and uncertain (and hopefully not shallow), Boston
A: Please break up with Joe. If you were really into him, you'd be defending the relationship instead of pointing out his flaws. You'd be describing his features as mature. You'd be coming up with ways to make the age difference seem less significant.
His appearance bothers you -- and that's OK. Yes, you do come off a bit shallow in this letter (so does he), but I don't care about that. You're just being honest, and attraction is important. Also, your concerns about taking care of an older person are legit. You want to be with a peer.
I can't give you any stats about age differences and when they no longer matter. All I can tell you is that if you're obsessing over this guy's hairline and what happens when the Botox wears off, you should put him out of his misery and let him go. There's no need to wait this out to see how you feel about his wrinkles in another five years. Just tell him it's not working for you -- because it isn't. Your history with him is irrelevant. After dating for a month, it just doesn't feel right.
Readers? Should she stick it out with Joe to see if his age matters less over time? Is he too old for her? Is there a time when the age gap no longer matters? Is she being shallow -- and if so, is that so bad? Is she committed to trying this because of their history? Discuss.
– Meredith
He hasn't quite left his girlfriend
Q: Dear Meredith,
A few months ago, I began what I believed was a whirlwind romance with a co-worker. We had known each other for a year but I never thought of him as anything more than just that -- he wasn't my "type" and lived with his girlfriend.
One night, when we were out after work grabbing drinks, something changed. He put his hand on my lower back and in that one minute, I felt completely different about him. I pulled him aside to ask him what was going on and the next thing I know, he was kissing me. Game over. I tried to chalk it up to a careless moment at a bar, but over the next week I noticed we were acting differently toward each other -- we were texting constantly and finding any reason to be together at work. We finally talked about it and we both admitted that we could not stop thinking about each other. Within a matter of days we began seeing each other all the time and talking non-stop. He broke things off with the girlfriend and moved into a spare bedroom while he looked for a new place to live. He brought up the future -- marriage, babies, the whole nine yards. Suddenly I was so excited about all our plans and for once I felt like things were "meant to be." The only thing standing in our way was the fact that in our field we make little money -- something that was preventing him from being able to move out immediately. But other than his living arrangements, we were a couple -- everyone at work knew we were together, he told his friends and his family about me, we spent all our time together.
Then, about two months in to this whirlwind romance, I got a job promotion. While I normally would have been ecstatic, suddenly I was terrified -- I wouldn't spend my days side-by-side with this man who I had completely fallen for. We told each other it was going to be fine. But not less than one week into my new position, he suddenly started pulling away; he stopped texting me every second, and when I saw him for the first time one night after work, it just felt like something was off. I finally confronted him about how I was feeling and he told me he was "confused," and that even though I had made him happy, he needed to work on being happy on his own. He said he needed time. Of course I was completely crushed and confused. I tried to give him space but the next thing I knew, I found out he was spending time with the ex-girlfriend he lived with -- I guess she wasn't an "ex" after all. When I tried to confront him about this he told me he is being honest with me -- that he's confused and doesn't know what to do, and how is he supposed to afford moving out of the apartment they share together on the measly salary we make?
So for the past two weeks we have barely spoken, save for the text messages back and forth in which he calls me his "best friend."
The worst part is, this not-so-ex girlfriend has absolutely no idea about me and him. At the time, he told me he didn't see the point in telling her about us because they were broken up and he was moving out and he didn't want to hurt her more. But now, I just feel like he's been living a lie for the past few months and now he just gets to go back to his old life without any repercussions.
I guess I just don't understand how someone can make all these plans for the future with you and then change their mind so quickly. All of my friends are telling me that he's being selfish and unfair, and to just let him go, but I'm having a hard time. Especially because he keeps reaching out and telling me what a tough time he is having. He says he "doesn't know" what he's doing yet but he knows that he doesn't want to hurt me. I just don't want to walk away from something that felt so "meant to be." Am I being completely delusional? I just wish that the other girl knew the truth because I feel like that would force him to make a decision, one way or the other.
– hopeful(ly) not delusional, Boston
A: You're not delusional. You're just ... the woman who got involved with the cowardly guy who was still living with his girlfriend and had no real plans to leave her, despite all of his big talk.
You jumped into this before knowing enough about his life outside of the office. And really, let's not forget that this started with you making out with somebody else's boyfriend. I had bad vibes from paragraph one (or two).
Sadly, your friends are right. It hurts and it's a horrible disappointment, but this guy is too selfish to be a partner right now.
Also, in response to your last sentence, let's not "force him to make a decision." That's not how good, adult relationships begin. You should be with someone who has the courage to make choices because they know what they want -- not because they've been backed into a corner. I wish his girlfriend knew about you too, but no matter what, I wouldn't want you to be with him at this point.
Accept the fact that he's decided not to leave her. Tell him that you're not his best friend and to leave you alone. Then go enjoy your promotion. And count it as a blessing -- because he was going to mess this up no matter what. At least you don't have to look at him all day.
Readers? Are her friends right? Should she be talking to this guy at all? What if eventually decides he wants to be with her? Help.
– Meredith
Was the break a good idea?
Q: I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for almost 2.5 years. During that time we've had a month break shortly after our one-year anniversary, and a year later we broke up for four months. We've been back together for a little over five months now.
I love him dearly. I have given a great deal of time to this relationship, as he is still in school and lives a few hours away. Up until last month, things were going great. We had fun together and laughed. But, there has always been a feeling of doubt in my mind following our last break up. I found out that he was flirting with other girls and I didn't approve of it so he stopped.
Recently I've felt like he doesn't want to spend time with just me. He also lied to me about hanging out with another girl, and that really crushed me. I brought this up to him and it seems like it has pushed him further away from me. He has seemed totally disinterested in spending time with just me and in having a relationship. After I talked to him more, he said he doesn't know what he wants anymore. I want to move forward and continue to have a happy and loving relationship together. But I don't know how to make him happy. I know we've both been unhappy and unsure about where the relationship has been going. I have a sinking feeling that he is starting to develop feelings for this other girl.
I talked to him yesterday about trying something -- taking a break. I want to be able to laugh and smile with him again, and I do want to have a future together. Upon suggesting a break, I said I wouldn't contact him at all for a month. I said I would see him on his birthday in a month and then we can move forward from there. He seemed like he was OK with this and it seemed like in a month, he and I could move forward as a couple because that's what he wanted too. But I could be wrong.
I wouldn't say that it is a huge weight off my shoulders to take a break, but I think we both needed it. I continue to worry about this other girl and that he won't want a relationship with me again, given how rocky things have gotten recently.
I'm not sure if this was the right move, or what's in store. Any insight or help would be appreciated.
– Setting Love Free, St. Cloud
A: The break wasn't a terrible idea, but please understand that it will probably lead to a breakup. And that's OK.
I'm not sure how a month-long break is supposed to fix all of your problems. If anything, it'll just remind you that you can live without him. It'll give you a taste of freedom.
My guess is that in a month, you'll end things for good and feel more confident about the decision. You're both unhappy, and you're getting to the point where you don't trust him. You say that he doesn't want to spend time with you. That's no good. And keep in mind -- this is your third time-out.
Take this time to remind yourself that you can go it alone. Spend the month considering what life would be life as a single person and whether your routine is more pleasant when you don't have to worry about trying so hard to make someone happy.
I know you want to reunite and have a shiny new relationship all over again, but I don't see how that's possible. This month off is basically a set of training wheels that will get you to a real breakup. And with all of these issues, isn't that what you need?
Readers? What happens after a month? Is this a training wheels breakup? Should she be worried about this other woman? Should they stay together? What is he doing with his break time? What if he wants to stay together? Discuss.
– Meredith
He wants stories about getting over it
We chat at 1 today. And this guy loves us.
Q: Meredith,
I'm a long time reader of your column. I'm also a big supporter of it, as it houses the only comments section on the internet (I can think of) that does not eventually devolve into a negative, combative area. Although your advice is always spot on, I think the most helpful thing for the letters writers is the comments section, where people share their own stories of love found, lost, and eventually regained.
I'm writing today because I would like to take advantage of those comments. You see, I'm very sad, and I'm in need of reassurance that things will eventually be OK. Here's my story: I am a gay male in my early 30s. I dated "Bret" for a year and a half before he ended things in October. We had a great relationship and we got along very well. At the time, Bret broke up with me because our future plans did not align. As time has gone by though, I can see that other things probably factored into his decision as well; he just didn't want to hurt me by articulating them.
After trying -- and failing -- to win Bret back, I cut all contact with him, as I need time to heal. The problem is that I am still very sad. Even though Bret and I broke up months and months ago, I miss him very much. Sometimes I feel like we are just on a break, and I find I'm reminding myself constantly that he is never coming back.
I've tried to do everything I can to take my mind off things -- taking classes, throwing myself into work, reconnecting with old friends, traveling, making summer plans, casually dating, etc. Even though I have definitely gotten better, and I know I will keep getting better, it's hard for me to keep hope alive when I turn the light off at night and have to face the enormity of what I have lost.
As I said before, I'm writing this letter to you to hear your perspective on what I can do to cope better, but also so I can read the comments section. I would love to see your readers' stories -- of how they went through something similar and are now doing really well. I think it would really help me a lot to be reminded even more that there is, in fact, a light at the end of the tunnel.
Thanks,
– Sad but (sort of) hopeful
A: We've covered this issue quite a bit in Love Letters, but I continue to post how-do-I-get-over-it questions because they're all different, and because I want people to know how common it is to be miserable while getting over a breakup.
You asked for specific stories, so rather than telling you that it takes time, that you'll meet someone else, and that you just have to stay busy (which you seem to know), I'll tell you a tale of survival. And this time it won't be about Draco Malfoy. We'll give him a break today.
I had a bad breakup in my early 30s. I was miserable about it. So I kept busy (wrote a book), waited for things to get better (more than a year), and stayed close to friends (forced them to travel internationally with me). I did all the things! But I just couldn't shake the sadness because I just missed him. I missed talking to him. I was sad. Very sad.
Eventually, I was over it enough for him to come back into my life as a friend, and it seemed to work. I was getting the friendship I missed, and that was nice. And then, just the other day, my sister said to me, "I want you both to be together again," and I responded, without thinking, "I don't. I don't want to be with anyone who has to be convinced to be with me." I realized at that moment that at some point during this process, I just hopped into the light at the end of the tunnel. It wasn't some new guy who got me there. It was just me. Me and my self-confidence, apparently. Me truly believing that if he doesn't feel the enormity of what he's lost, it's not right. I had said similar things a million times to make myself feel better, but suddenly I believed it. And I was OK with it.
I don't know if that helps, but it's a true story. I got over it and preserved a friendship, which is rare. There are some confusing and sad days that pop up every now and then, but that's to be expected. But 99.9 percent of the time I'm living in the light, excited about what's next.
That's my story. One of them, at least.
Readers? Can you share your stories to give him some hope? How did you really get over it? And when? Tell all.
– Meredith
She tells me she's sad about her ex
Q: Dear Meredith,
I am a man in my early 20s who is attending grad school in Boston. I met a wonderful woman, who is a fellow student, at a party and we hit it off. She had been in a long-distance relationship for two years and was looking for a way out. A few weeks later, she broke it off.
We began dating immediately after her breakup. We've had a lot of great times, but she still gets very sad and misses her ex now and then. It's really held back our relationship from developing further. We took a break at one point because of it, though it didn't last long. I know she loves me and I love her too.
She is working on the West Coast for the summer while I stay here. I'm supposed to visit in two weeks for her birthday, but last week she fell into one of her "sad"' cycles and became distant.
It's rough because we have great chemistry and I feel she could be the one. At the same time, I'm not sure if continuing to date her is helping either of us -- or if it's just a sign I lack self-respect.
Should I continue to brush off these cycles? How long should I expect this to continue? And is there anything I can do to help her?
Thanks.
– Stuck in Confusion, Boston
A: I don't mind that she has "sad cycles." I do mind that they're about her ex.
Your girlfriend doesn't appear to be over this guy, and her moods are making you feel bad about yourself. If she's had more than a few of these cycles, I'd guess that she just isn't ready for another serious relationship.
We all have moments of sadness about losing our exes, but we're not supposed to burden our new partners with that information. I appreciate her honesty, but really, how are you supposed to help? Call her ex and invite him to see her? Just stay away until she tells you to come back? What are you supposed to say to her about all of this?
If she doesn't want to see you this summer, consider letting her go. She started a relationship with you before she was sure about her breakup, and now you're putting up with the aftermath. She should be having sad cycles about alienating you. She should be panicked that she's pushing you away.
Readers? Should he stick around? Should she be telling him about her sad cycles? What's happening here? Help.
– Meredith
Does he want to see me?
Q: Dear Meredith,
I have been talking to/hanging out with James for a few months. We're both in our mid-20s, have mutual friends, but only met recently. Our first night together, I had no idea he was even into me until after we got home from the bar. Our two mutual friends had made plans to hang out and we got dragged along. Others were supposed to come, but it ended up just being our mutual friends and us. Throughout the night, he made no advances and I also didn't make any. After we got home that night, our mutual friends retired to the bedroom and James and I were on the couch. I assured him I'd be fine on the couch and that he could go to bed. Instead he suggested we watch a movie in bed together. I agreed (and was somewhat shocked because I didn't think he was interested). We ended up spending the entire weekend together and I slept in his bed (without sex, just fooling around) for the next couple nights. We also spent the following weekend together (from Friday night through Sunday). That weekend we did have sex and I knew I definitely wanted to see him again.
Fast forward to today. We text everyday (literally) but have only hung out once in the last two weeks and it was on a weeknight. He constantly asks me what my plans are for the weekend and on Friday and Saturday I receive an inevitable text asking me what I'm doing for the night, where I'm going, and what time. However, he never seems to follow through. I have stopped initiating contact. I don't text him at all unless he texts me, but he has continuously text me (as I stated) asking about plans and just making general chit-chat. I should also mention that he is not very straightforward about his interest. For example, I didn't know he was interested in me that first night until after he propositioned me to the bedroom, and every other time we have hung out, he's not very physical at all. He usually initiates kissing, but then it's me who initiates everything else. Obviously I am very confused. Why text me and ask me what I'm up to if he doesn't have any intention of hanging out? What is up with the physical part? Why wouldn't he show me affection if he asks me to sleep in his bed?
I've thought about being forward with him and just asking him if I'm misreading signals, but I'm not exactly sure that would be the best thing to do. Maybe he has just been with friends the last couple of weeks and timing didn't work out the way he thought. Maybe he's gay and he’s just putting on a facade for others in his life. Maybe he doesn't want to hang out but is too nice to stop talking to me. Whatever it is, I'm pretty sure I can handle it. I don't know him that well and, although I am interested, I'd get over the rejection pretty quickly. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. I just want to know what is what so I can either keep devoting some attention to this or let it go.
For the record, my upfront text was going to read something like, "Hey, can I ask you something? We talk all the time, but don't really hang out. Am I misreading things or has it just been conflicting schedules?"
– Confused and Confused, Boston
A: Two things:
1: Sometimes we're so confused by a person's intentions that we forget to decide how we feel about them. Your whole letter is about decoding the mystery of James. But are you into James? What makes him worthy of this work? Is this about trying to partner with someone you really like or about avoiding rejection? Please don't forget that you should be deciding whether James is an appropriate partner. If his actions are annoying and making you feel bad about yourself, you're allowed to move on without answers and let James wonder what happened.
2. If you confront James -- and you should -- please don't do it by text. Call him. Show him that there are other ways to communicate. I fear that he's going to receive your text and write back, "Just been busy. It's cool," and then you're stuck waiting again. You need to ask, "What are we doing here? Do you want to see me?" That's a conversation that requires hearing someone's voice.
Really, you never tell us why you like James. You're just trying to figure him out. My gut tells me that your energy is better spent looking for a guy who wants to see you -- and get it on with you -- when he has the chance.
Readers? What's up with James? Is it too soon for her to be annoyed by his behavior? Does she really like him? Should she confront him and if so, how? Did they just move too quickly when this started? Help.
– Meredith
She's pulling away
Q: Hello Love Letters,
I'm writing this because I do not know where else to turn. To summarize: My relationship with my girlfriend started toward the end of her freshman year of college. I was a junior at the time. We did not go to the same university but our schools were close. We were both athletes and shared a lot in common. She got me through all the rough spots and was incredibly supportive from my graduation to finding my first job.
Fast forward from last May to present and I've seen her a few times since graduating, but not as many as I would like. She has been struggling -- she doesn't have many friends and she is having a hard time doing well in school. I can't see her often. She admitted to me that she feels depressed but can't give any reason as to why. She thinks "she's crazy" and has gone to a therapist to talk about it.
I love her with all my heart and I want to help her. We talk all the time, but lately she has become more distant and disinterested. We recently had a conversation that alarmed me. She doesn't know about the future; she doesn't know how we can live together. She admitted to me that she loves me but not the way it was when things were simpler. I paid for an air ticket about a month ago for her to come see me over a weekend. She said it would be a "turning point in our relationship." We ended up having a great weekend, but I could still feel that she was off, a bit different. I think the medication she's on might be affecting her behavior. I feel like I'm on an emotional roller coaster; she seems fine one week and then the next I feel she would just like to break up with me. I love this girl so much. I don't want to lose her.
– Mr. Lonely, Pennsylvania
A: I believe that you love her, but this relationship isn't good for either of you. She's dealing with depression and you're walking on eggshells waiting to be dumped. And on top of it all, this is a long-distance relationship.
You can't go on like this, questioning everything she says, waiting for good moods, and decoding the status of your relationship over the phone. You need to be good to yourself, especially as you start this new, post-college life.
My advice is to talk to her about whether this relationship is too complicated to continue at the moment. If she needs to focus on her education and therapy, you don't want to be in the way. It doesn't mean that you'll disappear from each other's lives forever, but perhaps the pressure will be less intense.
You don't want to lose her, but you also don't really have her – at least not how you want her. You're trying to get back to the past, but that's just not possible. Do you really want to hang on to what you have right now? It seems to me that it's time for both of you to work on yourselves without owing each other anything.
Readers? Should he hang on? Let go? Is she going to end it for him? Would leaving mean abandoning a person who needs help? Discuss.
– Meredith
He's grieving, but I'm in love
Q: Dear Meredith,
I recently reconnected with a childhood friend who lost his wife. "Peter" and I were somewhat “adopted” by his aunt and uncle from the time we were 10. We are not related but we were both from proximity-close, troubled homes. His aunt and uncle provided both of us with a safe haven as stable parental figures most weekends and school breaks until college. Peter and I grew up, and of age, together. Something I am just now getting and appreciating. In college we stayed friends and fooled around a bit with dating into our early 20s, but when he started to express real feelings toward me that included the L-word, I was not ready and bolted. There was no breakup drama or relationship lost here -- we just grew apart rather normally and respectfully. We kept in touch loosely (email, FB friends), moved away from each other, and he got married. I never met his wife but was happy for him, and his family still fills a familial role in my life to this day.
It's now years later, we're in our 30s, and I receive a call that Peter has suddenly lost his wife. I was stunned. It hit me hard and brought on that strong need to see him to let him know that he wasn't alone. I booked a ticket to go the services and made arrangements to stay with his/my family. I was nervous to see him and nervous that my going might be perceived as selfish, weird, or inappropriate (as I had never met his wife). That is, until I saw him ... and then, there were no words, because we didn't need them. We were us again -- kids, not kids, loving, familiar. There.
It's been five months since then. Only five months, I know. We have talked every day, and have visited each other with more visits scheduled. I try to coach and be supportive as best I know how and he's surprisingly been able to support me through some things, even while going through his own personal hell. But every day I am quietly choking on how much I love him. I know I can't tell him this. It's too soon and he's far from being able to reciprocate, even if he felt remotely the same way. I'm hyper-aware of me not just falling for the injured doe and him not using me to replace the role of his wife. I struggle with being supportive but not invasive, being "sisterly" while quietly wanting him in the most opposite way than that, giving him space but not wanting to let him go, and all the while never forgetting that he is going through a major loss and life upheaval. I very seriously respect the responsibility I have of not taking advantage of his state or emotions. And in the meantime I just stay as busy and occupied as humanely possible (all things I’ve learned from this board!).
But, I do love him. And I want him to know this only without applying pressure or expectations. Is that even possible? Or am I already showing this enough by being here for him? I keep toeing the line at friendship because I don't want to confuse or ruin things, but he's not just a friend to me anymore. For those of you who have gone through major loss, when can I trust that he’s ready and won't confuse love with loss? Is there any reality for him at this point in grieving? Or should I just let him go again and see if we come back around? I read a quote this week that summed it up for me -- "Just because we can't be together doesn't mean I won’t love you." Because I do. I love him but I know we can't be together. I'm just hopeful to can end that last sentence with a "yet."
– Love It or Leave It, Boston
A: You say that he's been a friend to you, but it sounds like most of this relationship has been you supporting him. This whole experience has been so monumental -- especially considering your history. Are you sure you'd love him as much if he wasn't going through this significant loss? You're trying to avoid falling for the injured doe, but ... if he's not that, what is he? What have you fallen for?
I'm not saying you don't love him. I just want you to think about why you love him. You didn't see him for years, and now it's only been a few visits. What's really happening here? Also, even if it's possible that you guys have a future together, you also share a family. Do you want to risk what you have with them? You need to be honest with yourself about what you really want before you get lost in fantasies that have little to do with an average day-to-day relationship. There's a lot on the line.
Spend some time coming back down to Earth and thinking about the practicalities of a relationship with this person. If you begin to doubt your deep love, be a friend and set some boundaries so you don't become the central source of support in his life. If more time goes by and you're still committed to the idea of this, come clean and tell him that you're confused. Not that you're sure that you love him, but that you're confused. Because in my opinion, that's what you are. It might be love, but I'm not convinced you know what to do with it, and it's very possible he feels the same way. You don't want to burden him, but he deserves to make smart choices about who he uses for support and how. He should know who he's talking to.
But think, please. How do you really feel ... and why?
Readers? Is this about falling for the injured doe? What do you think he thinks of the relationship? Should the letter writer come clean now or later -- or ever? Discuss.
– Meredith
After a loss, she's pushing me away
Also, this person wrote in after reading that I lost my mom. He admitted that he wondered whether I might have some extra insight about his situation. I think my advice probably would have been the same two months ago ...
Q: Hi Meredith;
My girlfriend and I have an awesome relationship. We met two years ago and have basically been inseparable ever since. If we aren't together we are in constant communication through phone, email, or text. We're in our late 20s and we've talking about living together. Everything was fine until she lost a family member.
It was sudden and horrifically tragic. This person was a huge part of her life. I was with her through the process and helped her with everything she needed.
Since this happened, she has not been herself. She basically told me she needed a break to think. I totally get this and I know I need to give her all the space she needs. But I also know that she's not in her normal state of mind and maybe doesn't know what’s good for her at the moment.
All I want is for her to be happy, and I know time heals all wounds but I can't just back away from her at this point. I'm too involved w/ her family and can't imagine not being in contact with her if it's only just to hear her voice to make sure she's OK. She says my constant presence is making her feel overwhelmed.
Should I leave her alone? Or should I push back when she pushes me away? Should I just let her go and just hope that when and/if she gets better she'll come back to me? The thought of that makes me nauseous. We were just madly in love! But the world has changed since then and I don't know how to navigate this unknown territory. Please help!
– Lost in Boston
A: If she wants some space, that's OK. But if she's demanding a real break and it's been more than a few weeks, ask her whether she's really just letting you go. You need to know.
I can't even begin to imagine what she's thinking. We all grieve differently. What I can say (since you asked about me) is that losing a close family member (in my case, a parent) does make you think about who you want in your community and who brings you joy. It makes you think about who will be around in five or ten years. It's possible that your girlfriend loves you quite a bit, wanted to cohabitate, but never thought that the two of you would spend your entire lives together. Maybe that's a more important concept now.
It's also possible that your presence highlights the loss. You say that you want to be there for her and that you helped her with the grieving process. I'm sure you were amazing. I'm sure you doted and cuddled. But maybe she just wants to be normal now. Perhaps she's looking for a new audience -- people who aren't giving her sad eyes. Have you suggested hanging out and just doing something fun?
Again, I don't know what's going on here, and I will admit that after surviving the past four weeks, I've wanted alone time. I've wanted to just sit around and watch TV, read Love Letters, and look at old pictures. I've felt lucky that I haven't had to alienate a spouse during the process.
But no matter what, I've wanted to remain accountable -- and so should your girlfriend. This loss doesn't excuse her from communication. Part of celebrating life is being good to the people around us. If she wants a break, you can ask her for answers. If she wants a break up, you have to take that seriously, walk away, and protect yourself. Her loss doesn't entitle her to ask you to wait. You can't assume that she's going through a phase.
Readers? Is she in her right mind? Should he wait? Does she want to break up? Help.
– Meredith
Man 1 or Man 2 ...
Q: Three years ago, while on a business trip, I happened to meet a very interesting man. I will call him Man #1 (see where this is going). Being a highly-selective, unusual person myself, he seemed like a dream come true. He was always exceptionally kind to me, brilliant, funny, and extremely good-looking. Though there was some distance between us, we texted constantly all day, and I went to visit him several times. However, there were a few things in our way. The main one being he was younger, still in college, and wasn't able to move to be with me for varying reasons. Long story short, he broke up with me, but was adamant about the fact that we remain close friends. He said he was depressed and felt incapable of having a relationship at the time. So we continued to talk just as before but stopped seeing each other. I was very sad to lose him as a lover, but still happy to have him in my life. We had a very close platonic friendship after that.
Soon after that relationship ended, I began talking online with someone I had admired since my childhood. I would call him a childhood hero of mine. We hit it off exceptionally well, having a great deal in common and excellent communication. Again, there was a distance involved, but after I visited him several times, he took the leap and moved in with me and my young child.
As soon as man #2 moved in, things changed dramatically. He became insanely jealous -- accusing me of some of the most terrible things, all untrue. He badgered me incessantly, deprived me of sleep, and invaded every type of privacy I had in the hopes of finding evidence of cheating. Additionally, he insisted that I cut off all contact with man #1, which made me sad, but I did see his point there. Man #1 was kind and supportive in regard to me not talking to him during this time.
Over the course of a year, man #2 effectively tore me and the relationship apart, piece by piece. I became extremely depressed. All the while, though, man #2 was receiving professional help and promising to change. These days, he appears to have changed and is no longer accusing me of the things he did before. He is trying his best to be good to me, but I don't trust him. I should mention that he has always been exceptionally nice to my child, and he has grown very attached.
Back to man #1. Man #2 created an email account in my name and proceeded to write man #1 a horribly insulting email, saying terrible, personal things about him. When I found out about this, I wrote man #1 an email, apologizing profusely and telling him how afraid I was. I did not expect a reply at all, since man #2's email made it look like I had betrayed man #1's confidence in the worst way. Surprisingly, though, he did reply. He replied with the kindest, most sincere words. Telling me I deserved better than to be afraid, and that he would always be my friend. He said he would help me any way he could. Most importantly, he believed me and said he trusted me completely. He honestly cared for my well-being, unlike man #2 who seems to want to own me, regardless of the cost.
We exchanged a few (illicit in my current relationship) emails after that, and it came out that he has always been crazy about me but felt inadequate as a partner because I make considerably more money and am more established than him. Well, I am older, so that is the case. I never cared about that, however. I have always been very independent and was looking for companionship and not material security. I agree that when we first met, the timing was very wrong, but now I am wondering if we have a chance.
Man #2 wants to marry me. He is behaving himself. I am very attracted to him. My kid is crazy about him. But what if the bad behavior returns? I am afraid for my mental health and well-being.
Man #1 makes me feel so good about myself. He has never hurt me intentionally, and has remained a good friend for three years, even through long stretches without talking to one another. Every time I hear from him I feel better. I feel happy. I feel at peace.
Obviously, I am torn. Should I break apart my current situation and take my child's friend away? Should I throw out a man who moved to be with me? Or keep with the status quo, remembering that all long-term relationships have issues. There is still a distance issue with man #1, but there is always a chance that it could be resolved. There is a possibility. Should I entertain this possibility?
Do extremely jealous, psychologically abusive people ever change for the long-term?
– Desdemona, MA
A: I don't see this as a choice between man #1 and man #2. For now, I'm just focused on #2 and whether you'd want any part of this relationship if he wasn't close with your kid. Are you in love with this man? Was your romantic relationship ever healthy? If you could go back in time, would you still choose to move in with him? Do you get the sense that it's difficult or unnatural for him to behave?
You tell us that you're attracted to #2, but you don't seem to think he's a good partner. Your reasons for keeping him around are more about guilt than love. Meanwhile, you're lining up someone else. You've already jumped into a new, imaginary relationship in your head.
To me, the answer is pretty clear. You want out, but you're afraid to be alone. Unfortunately, alone time is going to be part of the breakup process no matter what. It's a bad idea to jump from #2 to #1 without processing what happened and giving your kid a stable routine.
As for your last question, sure, I believe that anyone can change, especially with professional help. But in your case, it sounds like no matter how #2 behaves, you're looking for an escape. That's fine, as long as you're as honest and healthy about your choices. Talk to a professional about how you can end this without feeling unsafe. Find out how to explain this to your kid. Tell man #1 that you have a lot to think about, and that for the moment, he can't be in the way.
Readers? Is this 1 vs. 2? Does she want to be with 2? Has 2 really changed? What about 1? Should he be in the picture? Help.
– Meredith
She's 'pulling herself together'
Q: Dear Meredith,
I am a woman in my early 30s. Six months after amicably splitting with my fiance of four years, I felt ready to try dating again and signed up with a website. A woman I had known casually for years came up as a potential match. She is smart, creative, and funny, so I sent her a message asking her out. She was extremely receptive, and we dated for about two weeks before she called it off. She explained she felt very serious about me, and had an enormous crush on me the entire time we had known each other, but that she realized that she wasn't ready to date so soon after her own breakup. She claimed she wanted to date me seriously in the future, but needed time to pull herself together. After she laid it out there and I had time to think about it, I decided that I wanted to give things with her a real shot once she was ready. I told her that, and she seemed relieved and excited.
Three months passed without contact. I've casually dated a handful of other people in the meantime. She reactivated her profile on the dating website, and I received a notification because of our previous interactions. After a few weeks, I sent her a message saying I would like to reconnect, but she didn't respond. Since then, we have run into each other multiple times. All I get is the cold shoulder. We're talking wicked cold. Like, tonight she waited until I'd gone up to the bar, then ran over to say hi to our mutual friends, then fled back to her posse when she saw me on my way back.
I (almost) accept at this point that she has no interest in having anything to do with me. What I am struggling with is the fact that she spent years flirting with me, then gave me this huge speech about how much she wanted to be with me. At the time, when she was going on in great detail about how much she cares for me, I told her (and meant it genuinely) that she didn't need to feel obligated to say that stuff, and that in fact it was fine to be honest if she wasn't feeling it. She vigorously insisted that she simply needed a brief break so that she could fully commit to the kind of relationship with me that she wanted.
Perhaps it is because I have been out of the dating scene for so long, but I find this bewildering. What is the purpose of leading someone on when you know you don't want to see them again? Is there a way I can improve the situation so that it is not totally awkward when we inevitably run into each other? Finally (and pathetically), do you think there is a chance that she is still "pulling herself together" and she will eventually be ready to date me again?
– Frustrated to the Hilt, Boston
A: This woman is bewildering, FTTH. And immature. This isn't how adults are supposed to behave ... but dating can be like this.
My guess is that she knows she came on too strong, decided that she couldn't live up to her own hype, gave you a less-than-honest breakup speech, and is now trying to undo it by making it clear that she's not interested.
My advice is to lead by example and be kind when you see her. Assume that you will never (ever) get back together because she's simply incapable. Instead of waiting to find out what she'll be like when she pulls herself together, take the reins and decide that no matter what, you don't want to be with someone who's this wishy-washy. You're ready for something real. She doesn't know how to handle herself.
She'll probably resurface in a few months to make more speeches and promises. At that point you'll have to decide whether any of it matters. For now you should be back on that dating website looking for women who know how to communicate.
I'm sorry that this didn't work out, but it sounds like you were spared a relationship with someone who fears honesty. All you can do is clean up the mess by defining what happened, making peace with it, letting it go, and showing her how to behave among friends.
Readers? Is there any hope here? Is this woman still "pulling herself together"? Why did she say all of those things if she wasn't interested? Is this just what dating is like? Help.
– Meredith
He's asking what-ifs
Q: Dear Meredith,
About five years ago I made a move for a specialized, two-year training program. While there, I met a great guy who moved from the other side of the country for the same program. We hit it off and dated for about a year, both realizing our love for our respective coasts, and knowing that our "relationship" probably wouldn't develop too far. Once our training program ended, we parted as friends and kept in contact with occasional phone calls and emails. He told me about girls he's dated since then, and vice versa.
Fast forward to last week. We hadn't spoken in a few months, simply because life was busy for both of us. During our conversation last week he said, "It's too bad we don't live in the same area. I still think we're a good couple." I sort of laughed it off and agreed in a half-hearted manner. Personally, I think that line of conversation doesn't get us anywhere and it leaves me irritated (which I've told him before) knowing his job requires him to live on the West Coast, and I LOVE Boston.
The problem came the next day when he texted me, asking if I would dump my current boyfriend (a term I use lightly since it's only been a couple months) and date him if he moved to the same area. I told him I couldn't answer that question, and it's pointless for me to think about unless he's actually moving (which he's not -- and can't). To that he replied, "I just want to know how you feel about me."
When I told him that line of questioning was irritating me, he got upset, called me a tease, and has refused to talk so we can discuss things. I guess I always assumed that our friendship was just that, a friendship and nothing more. But now I'm getting the feeling that he's held onto feelings all this time. Or maybe he's having "girl-trouble" and wants to know he's wanted by someone? I don't know, but without talking to him I can't figure it out.
My question is: Should I continue trying to talk to him about this? Should I wait for him to contact me? Am I out of line to get irritated by those "what-if" questions? This isn't a lost love I'm trying to hang onto, it's what I thought was a friendship with a person I care about. How hard should I try to hang on?
Thanks for your (and all the readers') help!
– Irritated, Boston
A: He wants to know how you feel about him, so tell him. And maybe tell me while you're at it, because I can't figure out what's going on here.
Do you have romantic feelings that you compartmentalize because of distance? Or do you really just want him as a friend? There are no wrong answers here. It would just be good to know how you feel so you can make smart decisions about how to move forward.
If your answer is, "We're friends, but if he lived down the street I might want more," maybe this relationship too confusing for him to continue. Maybe having you around -- even just on the phone -- is making it difficult for him to connect with other women.
I don't like that he called you a tease, and I certainly don't enjoy his passive-aggressive method of trying to get answers out of you, but he's struggling and wants to know where he stands.
Take some time and think about your feelings. If he lived here, would you want more? How do you see this friendship evolving if you both find other partners? After you come up with some specific answers, send him an email spelling it all out. Be clear about what you want and ask him if he's up for whatever you can offer.
Instead of getting irritated by the "what-if" questions, try to answer them. It's the only way to keep this relationship honest -- and to figure out whether this is a relationship worth having at all.
Readers? Should she answer the what-ifs? What is causing him to ask these questions? If she knows he's never going to move, should she just drop the friendship? Is there a friendship worth saving here? How does she feel about him? Help.
– Meredith
It fell apart after four months
I received this letter while the writer was giving her guy "space." By the time I went to answer it, that space was over. Let's see if we can help her make sense of what happened. (I put the updated info in italics.)
Q: Hi Meredith,
We are both in our late 40s and the gentleman I've been dating for the last 4 months is currently finalizing his divorce papers (court date set for June), despite being separated from his ex for a year and a half. He was married less than a year and he filed for the divorce, stating they were not compatible. I met him online 5 years ago and then lost contact with him for a few years. He re-initiated contact this winter.
His ex is living in another state now but keeps in constant contact by phone and email. He says he needs to maintain open communication until the divorce is final as he does not want any troubles to arise.
He and I had been spending just about every weekend together, at his invite, as we live a few hours away from each other. He had been calling several times a day during the week, consistently. The relationship was growing, and we were enjoying each other's company.
Abruptly, after having a nice dinner, he states he needs his space and is feeling overwhelmed. He gave no indication that he wanted to end the relationship, just that he needed some space.
He eventually (more than two weeks later) reached out to thank me for a favor and was wishy-washy about what would happen next. I told him I needed to stop by and get my things, and when I did, he said things that were not true and that seemed fabricated in a way to have an excuse to break off the relationship. I did not feel he had the ability to discuss things openly and honestly.
And, yes, as for the divorce, I do realize I should have waited until the paperwork was completed, and I do know he filed because I made the trip the court with him.
I'm extremely disappointed this happened, and sad because of loss of the "good things" we shared, but glad I did not discover his true personality after investing several years in the relationship.
We should all try to get thru this life being a little more compassionate toward one another.
Shouldn't it be easier when you get older?
Thanks, Meredith. Appreciate your column and your responders!
– Older Boulders, Westborough
A: You're right -- this is just a case of you seeing someone's true colors after four months, and you're lucky he didn't keep this going for eight months or a year.
As you get over this, though, please don't beat yourself up over not seeing the signs or putting up with the unfinished divorce paperwork. It's kind of weird (and dramatic?) that you went to court with him, but you weren't wrong to date someone who was just about divorced but not quite there. That wasn't the issue here.
The issue was that he's someone who gets excited and invests, perhaps too quickly. Then he gets overwhelmed and can't maintain his interest. Too bad ... but how would you have known?
This just goes to show you that it doesn't necessarily get easier as we get older. (Sorry.) In some ways it does, because we can judge people for who they are in the moment instead of wondering what they'll be like when they grow up, but people are people, no matter how old they are. They can be stubborn, controlling, evasive, noncommittal, scared, and defensive, and they tend to be all of those things when a relationship ends. We never age out of the awkwardness of saying goodbye.
The good news is that you're free to move on. Just make sure you're kind to yourself. And maybe focus on finding someone who lives nearby. The dating process is much easier -- and involves less investment -- when everything is a short drive or T ride away.
Readers? Should all of these divorce issues -- and their own history -- have stopped her from starting this relationship? How can she make sense of what happened? Is it easier as you get older? Discuss.
– Meredith
He takes advantage of women
We chat at 1.
Q: Dear Meredith,
I am having a moral dispute with a family member, "John," whose treatment of the women he dates I do not find decent or acceptable. He believes his behavior is normal and justified. Here goes: He spends most of his time in a country in South America where there is a high incidence of poverty and unemployment. Also, there is a lot of machismo in this culture. Women bear the brunt of the dire economic situation and the patriarchal values. John dates a lot women, a few at a time, and he is polite to them, takes them out, makes them feel special when they are together, so forth. When he is out of the country, he keeps in touch in a flirty manner via Skype and email.
Yes, he is sleeping with them -- which is what he is primarily after. He feels that because he tells them that he is not interested in a relationship, he is not leading them on or even using them. From what I understand, these women very much want a relationship with John. They don't have a lot of options in life, and having an American boyfriend who is handsome and charming (and has some money) would be a dream come true. John knows this, and I feel he is exploiting the situation. It seems to me that his charming manner is sending mixed signals to these vulnerable women, giving them a false hope that John might actually be interested in them as people, not just as sex objects.
Perhaps they are not used to being taken out to nice restaurants and clubs, and they interpret that kind of treatment as truly heart-felt and romantic. One woman went so far as to have his name tattooed on her arm. John revels in this attention, and feels that he is morally off the hook because he has verbally expressed his intentions (or lack thereof). He refuses to accept that he is doing anything wrong, and, in fact, believes he is being good to these women.
I have no problem with consensual adults having casual relationships as long as they are on equal footing -- which is not the case here. The women are putting out because they want a boyfriend in John, and he is well aware of this, and taking advantage. Yes, they are responsible for their decisions and they are running a risk by getting involved with such a man, but I don't think John is blameless, either. And, I don't see why he can't limit his dating pool to women who are likewise just looking for NSA fun. Please weigh in, and please consider the cultural and economic factors that are at play. Thank you.
– Indignada, Boston
A: You seem to be looking for an ethicist, but that's not what I do. I deal with relationships, so my question is: Why does John need to be worshiped? Why is he avoiding a real relationship? Why would he want to be with someone who tattoos his name on her arm?
I could spend all day debating John's behavior, but I'd rather talk about how you should deal with him. This letter is really about you, right? On some level you're asking how you can put up with a close family member/friend whose romantic choices have become offensive.
If I were you, I'd tell John that you can't talk about this stuff anymore. You don't find it entertaining. It makes you sad. We all have to hear from friends and family who do questionable things, but in this case, it's becoming a moral/political argument with no end. All it does is depress you. Sometimes we have to set boundaries with loved ones. You're not going to change John's mind, so you might as well give your brain a break.
For the record, if I were an ethicist, I'd probably come to few conclusions about John's behavior. I can't make assumptions about how these women perceive John (isn't it possible he's being used for nice dinners and entertainment?). I just don't know enough about his situation. I could also argue that many men -- and women -- keep a similar pool of potential, hopeful partners at bay here in Boston, and that serial dating can be gross and misleading, even without the socioeconomic and cultural questions at play.
The point is that all of this offends you and makes you feel bad about John. It's time to drop the subject and distance yourself from his behavior. Perhaps that's the most effective statement you can make about his actions.
Readers? Is John right? Wrong? Does it matter? How should she deal with a family member whose behavior offends her? Help.
– Meredith
Should I confess my feelings ... again?
Q: Dear Meredith,
I met "Jason" about three years ago through a friend of his that I was seeing. I ended up introducing him to one of my girlfriends and they started seeing each other. Both relationships ended after about two months but Jason and I continued being friends. We spend that whole summer talking every day and hanging out. Occasionally we'd spend the night sleeping next to each other, platonic and innocent for the most part. He ended up confessing that he had feelings for me, which deep down I kind of knew, but I didn't do anything about it or own up to my feelings for him because I felt guilty (my girlfriend was still bitter about their casual relationship ending).
At the end of the summer, Jason and I had a huge falling out over a complicated situation between our two groups of friends getting into a physical fight during which the police got involved. We didn't really blame each other but decided it would be easier to put some distance between us. We ended up not seeing each other for two years and only speaking very rarely.
About a year ago I realized he was still on my mind a lot and decided to test the waters about reconnecting. He was apprehensive about it, and would often agree and then change his mind. About three months ago we finally met up for drinks and had a great conversation. We talked for about three hours, just catching up. We even joked about how stupid all the drama was surrounding our friends. I was really hoping something would come from that, but he texted me a few days later saying he couldn't start anything between us and wasn't looking for anything serious. I was pretty bummed and confused but tried to move on with no hard feelings.
About a week ago, he was still on my mind a lot, and after a few too many drinks I texted him. He agreed to meet up and we talked again, this time less catching up and more about our feelings for each other. I told him that in three years I never met anyone that I felt that strongly about, and he said that although he was aware of something special between us, he's been in relationships since he was 15 and is not looking for that right now. We ended up staying up all night talking and spent the next night together as well. I was walking on clouds and thought that finally, after three years of bad timing, fights, and wishful thinking, something was finally happening between us.
Since then I've texted him twice and received nothing but a lukewarm response that he's busy. I thought I'd made it clear that I didn't want to push him into a relationship and just enjoyed his company like I always have. What bothers me the most is what could've been, and what I at least think could still be. Should I try once more, being as blunt as possible about my feelings for him, or should I let this one go and after three years try and move on for good? Does the fact that I waited for him and couldn't forget about him for two years mean anything at all?
– Bummed Out in Boston
A: It sounds like you've been pretty blunt about your feelings, BOIB. You've reached out multiple times. You've told him that you're drawn to him. You've sent texts. You've tried to make plans. His response? "Lukewarm," you say.
This is about unrequited affection as opposed to legit connection. He's one big "what if," and you've written up your own fictional happy ending. Isn't it possible, though, that a relationship with Jason would end with a fizzle just like it did with your friend? And really, if there's such an intense connection between the two of you, why didn't he reach out during the last few years?
Let this one go. No more waiting and pining for Jason. He says he's not looking for a relationship. Meanwhile, it's clear that you want much more than his casual company. At the very least, you want him to be excited to see you, and he can't even get it together to be consistent about that. It's time to find someone who wants to seize the opportunity to spend time with you. That's the point.
Readers? What's up with Jason? Does she need to give another blunt confession? Does he understand where she's coming from? What's happening here? Discuss.
– Meredith
I looked up his ex
We'll kick it off with a short one ...
This is the third letter I've received about this sort of thing within just a few weeks ...
Q: My relationship ended because I looked up his ex on Facebook. He calls it stalking. All I wanted was to see what she looked like -- curiosity only, no bad intentions. He didn't even allow me to explain and said he needed a break because I was passive-aggressive. I have never been called that, and all I did was look at her page to get a glimpse.
I realize its sounds creepy. But in all fairness, isn't it called a social network? If you don't want to be seen then you shouldn't be there, right? Please advise. I am very upset about the breakup.
– Facebook Snoop, Boston
A: I don't think he dropped you because you snooped on Facebook, FS.
I suppose it's possible that he saw it as a passive-aggressive, immature move, but who ends a relationship over that kind of isolated incident? It seems pretty forgivable to me. Really, the whole thing is kind of silly.
What else has been happening between the two of you? Has the relationship been easy? Turbulent? Fun? I have to assume that there are other problems, and that this "stalking" accusation is about something else. Is he open about his past? Does he trust you? How much does he talk about this ex? What have you asked?
My guess is that he's been thinking about ending this relationship for a while and used this Facebook fight as a way to do it. And if I'm wrong, and this decision really came out of nowhere, you're better off without this guy. You shouldn't be with someone who won't talk about problems and overreacts about a peek on Facebook. It wasn't stalking. It wasn't even passive-aggressive. It was just ... human nature. You're allowed to be human.
Readers? Is this really about the Facebook incident? Was the letter writer wrong to look up the picture? What's happening here? And is this break a breakup? Discuss.
– Meredith
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Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a new novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith here and on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.
