Q: Meredith,

I am a pretty regular reader of Love Letters, probably because I believe strongly in love, would love to find it and love that I'm not the only one.

Ok, to my current issue: I am 28 years old. I am very successful at work, have an amazing family and friends, I've got a great face, an average body, a fantastic personality and a ton of life. I was overweight growing up and as a result was every guy’s best friend. I've lost that weight and have been on the dating scene for the last few years trying to make it work. A bit more background... I am 100% against settling and have this vision of the real, great and big love; therefore I've dated plenty of guys five to six times and realized they just weren't setting my world on fire and dropped it. This might be part of my problem.

In the summer I met this guy. Our first date last five hours and we never looked back. I immediately was connected to him and our conversations were deep, interesting, funny, and real. He became the most important person in my life, quickly. He is inherently a selfish individual and leads a pretty secluded life (entrepreneur, works from home, family lives out of state), however, he let me in 100 percent. There was a ton of passion, a ton of arguments, a lot of tears, and a lot of learning about how to succeed (and fail) in a relationship. We ended up parting ways in November, mostly because he retreated into his shell after one particular argument and made a decision to not come out. I had also had enough and KNEW I deserved to be treated much better. We haven't talked for a few months, much to the joy of my friends, and I have been attempting to move on. I've had another two runs at the five-six date guys who have all been really nice. Much nicer than summer boy, however for some reason, none even compare. We recently started e-mailing again and have been discussing a possible dinner get together.

SO to my question... Am I just clinging to summer boy because he is the first guy who has been able to keep up with me, challenge me and inspire me... or am I clinging to him because he is the only one I've ever loved? Do I take the string of five-six'ers as a sign that he was more than that or as a sign that I'm looking for the wrong thing? Is it possible to try again and have it be different? I don't know if I should even open Pandora's box and go to dinner or just walk away completely...

– Wanting the Whole Enchilada, Boston

Q: Meredith, I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this column. You are your readers are the absolute best!!!

Here's my drama:
I have been dating a man for three months. He's generally a great guy but he has one problem -- he is NOT very reliable. At first it was little things like being an hour late for a date so we'd miss a movie or 'forgetting' that one of his kids had to be somewhere and rescheduling our date for the next day. Last night, however, was the kicker. He called me to cancel 45 minutes AFTER he was supposed to get here. Needless to say I felt like a total fool after sitting on my couch all dolled up only to be completely and totally stood up. His only excuse was "I'm just really tired." That would have been a lame excused 1 hour BEFORE the date was supposed to happen. It is a downright horrible excuse 45 minutes AFTER he was supposed to be here. After this incident I told him that we needed to take a break during which time he needed to determine whether he really wanted to be in a relationship with me or not. He seemed genuinely shocked and upset about this. However, my gut is telling me that he can't really be that into me or he would not treat me that way. I have NEVER been treated that way and deserve better. So, what do you think? Am I over-reacting? Is it possible that this guy just operates at a slower speed and I should just get used to it -- or is he not really into me as I suspect? As always, I appreciate the thoughts of you and your faithful readers.

– Dude Not Reliable, Boston

Q: Dear Meredith,

First off, I am new to reading your column. I love it and now check it on a daily basis. It is nice to read a column where I actually agree on the responses and suggestions.

A little background on me -- I am originally from Mass., went to school in Boston, moved out to California for a while, and now live in Manhattan. While I have been moving around and enjoying my adventures, I have always known I want to end up back in Boston. It is home, my friends and family are there, and I love it. Now that I have been in New York for almost three years, I realize that my next step will be to go back home. However, I got a new job that I love in September, so I know that it won't be for another year or two.

My question is this: What do I do about dating in the meantime? I am 27 and single. It has been a while since I met someone I really like. It is not that I am not active -- I play sports, volunteer, am on the committee for a great nonprofit, am on eharmony, etc. My friends tell me I am limiting myself because I know I want to go back to Boston and want to only date someone who shares that desire. But I wonder if it is worth it to date someone here, knowing it will probably end when I move. I feel like I am at the point in my life where I want to only date someone that has potential to be a lifelong partner. I don't size up every guy I meet as a potential husband, but guys who never want to leave New York (or are huge Yankees fans), don't seem worth it. I wouldn't even be opposed to dating someone who is currently in Boston. I am very happy with my life and feel like the only piece that is missing is sharing it with someone special.

I keep getting told that I am young and I should just have fun. I have had all the random dates and crazy relationships and feel like that is out of my system. So fun to me now means getting excited about a guy I actually like. What would you do in my situation? Am I just being impatient?

– Sox Fan in New York

Q: My boyfriend and I have a great relationship, and I'm cautiously optimistic that we will be engaged at some point this year.

We live a little more than an hour from each other, which can make it a little tough at times, particularly since he has partial custody of his young child. On nights when he doesn't have his child, he can stay at my house and commute to work, but my job is in the opposite direction, so there's no way I can commute from his house (100+ miles easy). But I spend most weekends at his place.

The problem is that we have talked about him moving in with me in the next few months, which I'm sure will make it more difficult to see his child during the week. I have a great relationship with his child, so I'm happy to spend the weekends together, all three of us. But it's sometimes hard on me now not to see his child, can't imagine what it's like for my bf not to see the kiddo during the week.

In the past month or two, the bf and kiddo have both made comments suggesting I look for a job up their way. I should also add that my family and friends live in the same area as my bf, so living up there would not only put us closer to his child, making custody arrangements easier, but it would put me closer to my friends and family. I really don't have many friends in the area I live now, I pretty much just sleep there.

On a personal level it's a no-brainer -- move to the area where his child lives. It's a nice town, my own family and friends would be closer, we could have a better custody arrangement etc.

Here's my dilemma: I have a GREAT job. I love it, make good money, fantastic benefits and feel very fortunate. I've compared the two job markets and I'm afraid I would not be able to find a comparable job -- not one I would enjoy as much, or with similar salary and benefits. And since I would be the breadwinner of the family, I don't feel I can really take a pay cut.

I'd also like to point out that I'd be happy to petition for custody of his child -- GREAT kid who I adore, we have a great relationship. And the mom seems more interested in the child support than in the child. But I hate the idea of uprooting an elementary school kid -- especially when it takes the child away from friends, school, cousins, my family and friends -- all because I have a great job that I don't want to leave. But then I think the financially responsible thing to do is to stick with the great job.

Maybe eventually I'd find something comparable up there, but in the meantime that could make for a really long compromise.

I tell myself that family comes first ... but what good is being closer to family if you're a ridiculous stress ball because you have a crap job and can't pay the bills or provide for your family, especially if you left a great job to make the move?

– Right Job, Wrong State

Q: I am twenty-nine-years old. And I have cancer. Rumor is there's no such thing as a good cancer to have. But if there were, this one wouldn't be it. Apparently it's not new, but my knowledge of it is. My doctor found out three days ago, he told me two days ago, and with me it has stayed since.

Yes, I need to seek comfort in my family, with whom I’m close. And yes, I need to seek support from friends, of which I've many. But few things feel more awkward than pity. Further, I'm convinced they'll all take it harder than I and, as one might guess, I’m really not in the best place to be offering up emotional support right now. And yes, I realize my current attitude reveals me as not having dealt with my feelings, and I need to seek some counseling. Right. Points noted. But I have more pressing issues.

I have a date this weekend. It’s a fourth date. And she’s pretty stinkin’ cool.

O! meaningless relationships, I’ve had my fill of you. I filled right up on you all through my early/mid twenties, so that when I got to these years I could move into the good ones without thinking I’d missed out on you. And now, after several middling relationships, I’ve got myself a good one — a butterfly-flittering, toe-tingling, head-dizzying good one.

A good one who deserves to know I won’t be very good beyond another few years at best. At this age, good ones at some point start thinking about futures. I don’t have one.

So the end questions, I suppose, are these: At what point do I need to lay this out there? Whereas I’m hoping to find someone looking for a life partner, but know my payout on that lifetime thing isn’t going to be overly robust, do I need to seek a three-year partner? I’m pretty sure most folks my age don’t seek out three-year relationships, but rather end up with them when either (a) the lifetime thing fails, or (b) the meaningless month-to-month with option to renew overruns its course. Knowing I’m a pretty sure thing for the former, am I stuck with the latter from here on out?

– Seeking Balanced Meal, Stuck with Grilled Cheese?, Somerville

Q: Meredith and LL Readers,

Thanks for your column and all the daily responses! They get me through the boring parts of my day.

My question: I'm a 36-year-old woman dating a guy who is the same age. I met him three months ago and things were truly wonderful for the first month. He called me regularly, we had amazing dates (that he planned), we stayed up talking until the wee hours of the night. He told me how lucky he was that he met me and I felt the same way about him. All was good in my world.

Fast forward to a month into the relationship when things suddenly cooled off a little. He was -- and still is -- incredibly kind and fun to be around, but the nice compliments have dropped off entirely. We see each other once or maybe twice per week and he doesn't seem to want more than that.

I am 36 and am looking to find "the one" (he knows this). I want to see more of him but am afraid if I tell him that, I will scare him off. It feels as though he entered the relationship with an open heart but has since put a guard up around himself.

I know a little bit about his dating history and think it has suddenly entered into our relationship and become a barrier for us. He was in a serious relationship for two years and ended it nine months ago because she wanted to get married and he wasn't there yet. He says he still cares about her and sometimes wonders whether he made the right decision by ending it. He said he doesn't think they'll ever get back together, but he wanted to be honest in telling me he still cares for her. I understand this and think it would be more of an issue for me if he didn't care about someone who was such an important part of his life for a significant period of time.

I guess I just am confused about his feelings for her and how they affect his feelings for me. I'm looking for the person I will spend my life with and I truly believe he could be that person. We have a ton of things in common, we always have a great time together, we share values and are intellectually compatible. There's lots of grilled cheese (which he claims is the best ever made for him) and we have wonderful, caring, mutually-enjoyable pajama parties whenever we see each other. I don't want to do anything to push him away but I also don't want to waste my time waiting for him to open his heart back up to me. I don't believe we can meet our amazing potential unless or until he does that.

Should I say something to him? Or should I wait a little longer and let him have some space to work through his past?

– Afraid of falling, Somerville

Q: Meredith-

Play Madonna’s song "Open Your Heart" for me, because it's something I don't know how to do. I've never been in love. I'm in my 20s and I know I have awhile to find "the one" (if that even exists) but I tend to push away perfectly decent guys for ones who are no good. People who know me say I have ice running through my veins. I instantly get turned off when potential suitors give me attention, like if they send me a text in the morning "hope you have a good day!" or try to hold my hand. I've dated guys in the past who were not good for me but I liked it when they gave me attention. I don't know if I really have a heart full of coal or I just don’t like the guys I've been finding. I find this getting in the way of me settling down and finding the right guys. How do I stop being so heartless?

– Ice Queen, Boston

I've met nice guys who I guess you could say court me, i.e. dinner, movies, etc., but I chase after the bad/mean guys who will string me along. On some occasions, the guys I really like start off as a hook up (that may be my problem!!) but I end up dating them. And I get annoyed with the nice guys when they text or call me almost every day. I call them stage five clingers while my friends say they are trying to be nice or show interest. I am an independent person who likes to live my own life.

I know how some of the readers can be mean, so I'd like to point out that I was loved as a child, had a normal childhood, and have no father issues.

– IQ

Q: My relationship of two years ended two months ago, and while I still have my "miss him moments," the split was something I definitely needed. The end was tough as we realized that we weren't heading in the same direction in life and neither one of us was willing to consider a change of paths.

The breaking point involved an ultimatum from me and an unexpected answer from him-- he was out, he couldn't do it -- that was it.

I appreciated his honesty and saw the break up as an opportunity for me to work on myself, my career, and move towards finding a relationship that was right for me. Deep down I had known for a long time that my ex and I wanted different things in life, though when we talked about the future (and we did, plenty of times), he told me that he had similar goals and dreams and that he wanted to be with me. I ended up feeling a little betrayed and wondering if he had been faking it with me the whole time we were together.

The problem now is this: I am an emotional person and was very attached to my ex. Our lives were intertwined and I still see him as a special person I care about, even though I know that a relationship won't work. He, on the other hand, acts like he never cared about me, or even knew me for that matter. The night we broke up, he told me he didn’t love me anymore and was ready to be in a relationship with someone else. He has taken these statements back to various degrees since, but his ability that night to be completely emotionless and detached disturbed me.

For the first month, we talked once a week, which was something we agreed on as reasonable since we wanted to remain friends. Two weeks ago he stopped answering my phone calls. The first time it happened, he called me back a few days later and immediately said we couldn't talk anymore. He felt like I was pressuring him. I was completely confused and explained to him that it was not my intention to pressure him, but if he didn't want to talk anymore, I understood. He apologized, said it was a misunderstanding and asked that I just give him some time to cool off. Still, I was confused (cool off from what?), but I obliged and said let's talk next week. He said OK.
The next week I call and leave a message, no response. A few days go by and I'm feeling ignored, but decide to let it go because I don't want to pressure him into doing something he's not comfortable with.

He finally calls back and is clearly upset talking a mile a minute -- he can’t talk to me anymore, it’s too much pressure, it’s not up for discussion, stop contacting him. I said OK.

This was only a week ago and we haven't talked since. I realize that all I can do now is give him space and I will, but it’s hard for me to understand where this hostility towards me is coming from.

I don't actually feel bad about not talking anymore; what feels bad is knowing that this person who I was so close with and shared so much with, would prefer to pretend I don’t exist anymore. I'm all for moving on (and am doing it, slowly), but I don't understand why he's acting so cold. When we were together we shared things with each other that no one else knew. He always had difficulty expressing himself and dealing with emotions, so part of me wonders if he is shutting down now to protect himself and prevent his feelings from bubbling up. Or was it really that easy for him to move on and forget "we" ever existed? How and why has he turned so cold? Was I wrong to believe that he actually loved me? And why is he so angry with me?

– Cold Shouldered and Confused, Boston

Q: About 6 years ago, I met a guy from Manhattan who was in Boston visiting his family. We stayed friends over the years, meeting up for dinner or a glass of wine whenever he was in town visiting his family. About a year and a half ago, we started dating.

He's 43 and I'm 32, neither one of us has been married before. The relationship went well for a few months and then he seemed to start to lose interest in me. He wouldn't call or text as much. He was still very cuddly, but we weren't having sex. The relationship ended 8 months later when I got upset that he took a female friend to a Knicks/Celtics game with his niece and nephew. He told me he invited about three people before he invited this girl. I wasn't one of the people he had tried to invite. I was upset. He stopped talking to me. And that was the end.

I had a difficult time with the breakup, partly because he had just stopped talking to me. Every now and then I would have a weak moment, and send him a text telling him I missed him. And then I'd beat myself up for the next day or two. Eventually, it got easier.

Until mid summer -- when he started emailing me photos of the puppy he was getting. I responded telling him I was happy for him but that it was difficult for me to see photos of the puppy because it was something we talked about when we were dating and because I wouldn't be a part of it now. He told me he wanted me to meet her and invited me down to NYC.

I visited him a few times in the fall. We never talked about our breakup. The weekend visits were good. Again, he was cuddly, but that was it.

This past weekend he came to Boston with his puppy, who is now 7 months old. His plan was to get to Boston for dinner on Friday but he wasn't able to leave NYC as planned. He arrived at his parents’ house late Friday night. On Saturday, he came over to my place. We spent the day and night together. We went for a long run and stopped for food and drinks afterwards. Later that night we went out for dinner, had a bottle of wine and good conversation. He stayed over my place and the next morning and did more than cuddling for the first time in almost a year.

On Sunday, we spent the day at his parents' house. It was his brother's birthday so his brother's family was there and his mom made dinner and a cake.

When it was time to go to bed, he wanted us to sleep on the floor in the den so that the puppy could sleep with us. I refused to sleep on the floor and asked why we couldn't sleep upstairs in the guest bedroom like we have every other time I've stayed with him at his parents’ house. He insisted we sleep in the den. Still I refused and slept on the couch, which was a love seat. I woke up 2 hours later wanting to stretch my legs. He told me to go upstairs and sleep in the guest room. I walked up to the guest bedroom, but thought if I was going to sleep by myself, I might as well sleep in my own bed. I went back downstairs and told him I was calling a cab.

He called me stubborn and wanted to know why I was fighting about this. My feeling was that he can sleep with his dog any night. He hadn't seen me in a month and was going to make me sleep on the floor???

I said goodbye when the cab came. He didn't say anything or get up from the den. I have no intentions of calling, texting, or apologizing. I'm sure I won't hear from him either.

Was I right or wrong to leave in the middle of the night? Should I have just given in and slept on the floor? Did I make too big of a deal over sleeping on the floor?

– Eyes Wide Open, Boston

Q: I have a situation that I would like a little advice on; it’s a little different than what you normally get because I am not looking for love I have already found it. So what’s the problem you ask? I found the man of my dreams too early.

I have been dating my current boyfriend for four years. We meet in college when I was 19 and have been together ever since. I love my boyfriend, he is incredibly good to me and I love being around him. The problem is that I am now 23 and we are getting to the point where friends are starting to get married and we are starting to think about it. I wouldn’t hesitate to say yes if he did ask me because I know that I would be happy married to him but, there are still a lot of things that I feel I never got to experience because I have been dating my boyfriend for the majority of my adult life, and he is the only man I have ever dated. (Side note: getting married and having kids relatively young is a big dream of mine, and I can see myself having kids with my current boyfriend)

I feel like I missed out on being young and single. There are still a ton of things that I want to do, for example I want to live in a foreign country completely on my own. Also, I have never had a broken heart. People may say that I am crazy but I feel like that is an experience worth having. I am scared that if we stay together, I might resent the fact that I never got to experience being young and self-sufficient.

I do know that I could bring him along and experience these things with him but I don’t want to. I want to be able to say I can do it all by myself and truly find out who I am and what I need from life without thinking what do "we" need. Selfish yes, but doesn’t everyone deserve to be a little selfish?

So I guess my real question is this: Do I break it off with him and go travel and experience the world as a women on her own, with the hope that he will take me back when I return, or do I stay with the man I love and be thankful for what I have, not what I don't.

– Why Couldn't I Have Met Him Four Years Later, Boston

Q: Hi Meredith!

Hope you and the gang can help me answer a rather basic question that I'm struggling with at the moment.

The Senate election on Tuesday brought to the surface some underlying political/religious/fundamental differences between my boyfriend and I. We've known all along that we fall on opposite sides of the spectrum, neither one of us too far out there, but fundamentally different all the same. The results of Tuesday's election made me very upset. I felt like it was 2004 all over again.

I tried not to think too much about how I felt about the implications about politics on our relationship. He is the most wonderful man; generous, kind, caring, go-to-the-ends-of-the-earth for you ... but we are as opposite as opposite could be. Here's where it breaks down: He believes in God, I don't. He doesn't believe in evolution, I do. He finds conspiracy theories entertaining, I don't. I work in an office, he works in the service industry. He voted for Brown, I voted for Coakley.

As we all know, pushing emotions aside leads to catastrophe. I had a few beers, spilled my guts, and ended the relationship. I wasn't particularly nice about it unfortunately, and he stayed calm and tried to quell my fears, but to no avail.

The next morning I was flooded with an unsavory mixture of emotions and a massive headache. Part of me was relieved that I was able to give voice to my reservations. The whole experience left me wondering ... can a relationship work (and by that I mean ultimately lead to marriage, kids -- something we both want) if you disagree on so many fundamental ideals? Will these differences slowly eat away at our emotional bond, ultimately leaving us strangers?

I asked him to meet with me so we could have a sober discussion about our relationship. He doesn't think our differences are big enough to cause a problem. He said he loves me more than any of those things. Obviously, I put a little more weight on these issues.

I don't want to walk away from this and 10 years from now realize that love and trust in a relationship is far more important that politics. I also don't want to find myself 10 years from now married to this man, possibly with children, feeling tied for eternity to someone who I don't understand. (What if he votes for Palin?!)

Thank you for your insight!

– Love or Politics?, Boston

Q: Hi Meredith,

I recently (about 2 months ago) moved in with my boyfriend after a rather whirlwind romance. Things have been great, he treats me like gold, makes me laugh, and is always there to support me. My problem is this: Since moving in with him, I feel as though I'm living in HIS apartment as opposed to OUR apartment.

He doesn't let me pay rent or bills as he "can afford it" and wants me "to have money." He does make considerably more money than I do but he doesn't seem to understand that in letting me pay for rent and bills I would feel less ... dispensable. I should say that I do the grocery shopping and pet care (taking our animals to the vet, paying for grooming, etc.) So I am not completely without responsibilities in the household.

On top of this, there is no place for my things. He lived in his apartment as a bachelor for about 3 years before I moved in. This means that the apartment is littered with his things with very little organization, making it even harder to begin the task of going through everything. As of now, two months into cohabitating, I am still living out of boxes.

We don't have any time off together as our work schedules are incompatible (I work nights, he works days and we have different days off). I feel that if we had more time together this would be an easier subject to take on as we could do it together, but right now I'm struggling to get him motivated to make space for me so we can live in OUR apartment and not HIS.

What do you think is the best way to express how important this is to me? How to I get him to let me pitch in for rent and bills when it seems his pride and need to be the breadwinner keep getting in the way? And how do I motivate him to make space for me instead of sitting around the house after work doing, well, a whole lot of nothing?

– Needs Space, Bridgewater

Q: Hi Meredith,

I've been reading this column off and on since I ended a four year relationship about a year ago. My question today doesn't deal with anything earth shattering, but I think it's a valid one, regarding a lovely girl (or woman, for those of you who may interpret "girl" as demeaning) I've been dating for about five months.

The background: We met over the summer through mutual friends and started our relationship soon thereafter. Since then, we've hung out at least three times every week, and we have a good mix between hanging out with friends, going away on weekend trips, and just taking it easy. We have a great combination between a passionate relationship -- yummy, frequent GCs -- and a friendly one, which to me seems 100% ideal!

We live about 40 minutes away from one another, but still manage 2-4 sleepovers per week. We are both 25 years young. We've met each other’s parents and friends from home, and both have gotten good feedback from all parties involved. We have yet to go to bed angry at one another (meaning any "fight" has been resolved that day). There's basically nothing I don't like about this girl, and I definitely can tell she has a strong liking for me. Perhaps even more than a strong liking. So, a few weeks ago, I told her that I love her.

She responded by saying "I love you too", and I said it a couple times since then, and got the same reply. However, it feels somewhat mechanical; an automatic response when I say it to her. And she has yet to say it to me first. So, I asked her if she feels comfortable with those three very important words. And her honest response was to say "no, not yet, but I can see it becoming natural eventually. I've only said it to one other person in my life, and it's a big step. I'm scared about taking that step -- but in a good way." So, she likes me enough to say it, and maybe mean it, but not with 100% conviction. The fact that it does have a deep, reserved-for-someone-special meaning to her is also a positive in my mind.

Some more background: She ended a 3 year relationship after college because they moved 3 hours apart, and that's the only reason they broke up as far as I know, other than just wanting to adapt to post-collegiate life.

So now for my question: Could it be that she still loves her ex? They never had a falling out, and she admits to keeping in touch with him on a very limited basis. Their contact is limited to a rare phone call, and seeing each other at homecoming. The fact that she was able to tell me this is rather telling as to how she feels: it probably really is over. She also told me unprompted (i.e. I didn't ask, it was more of a disclosure, for the sake of earning my trust). I have no problem with this contact, as I am pretty understanding and acknowledge her right to do this. Also, I do the same thing with my ex: a rare phone call, or contact via a gathering of mutual friends. I don't love my ex any longer in a romantic sense, so it's entirely reasonable that she could have the same situation with her ex. So should I be concerned that the lack of saying "I love you" could be derived from a continuing love for her ex, or should I trust her frank and purportedly honest response? Should I be concerned if they ever move nearer one another? Did I jump the gun by telling her how I really feel? Is 4 months too soon (please, share your personal experiences with this matter!) I should note that this upcoming weekend is her college homecoming, which is what prompted me to write in, since I expect her to see her ex from 3 years ago.

I thank you in advance for you honest response.

– Cause For Concern?, Connecticut

Q: Dear Meredith,

I have been seeing my boyfriend for about 8 months now and everything is going really well. He's family-orientated, respectful, caring, and sweet. I have never been happier and I'm falling for him. However, we do, like any couple, have bumps in the road and part of me keeps wondering if it's me or if he’s just not that into me.

About 3 months into our relationship, he told me that he is divorced. It hit me like a ton of bricks because I always thought I would marry a guy that has never been married (like me) and it'd be our first and last together. But then I realized, it just like having another ex and everyone has exes and it by no means changes how I feel about him. He waited because he likes me and didn’t want to scare me off. I completely understand. Since then, we have been really strong -- always having fun and enjoying each other's company.

The big problem right now is that I’m up for a job in Rhode Island and he says if I move there, we stop dating because he doesn't do distance. I should tell you now that we met online and he says he wouldn't have even clicked on my profile if I was in Rhode Island. I have done the distance thing (I dated a guy in Texas for 3 years in college) as did he (he dated his ex while she was in college in NH). I know distance, but I feel Rhode Island isn't distance! It’s 2 hours, if that! Part of me thinks this is a clear sign that he's just not that into me and I should say good-bye. When I asked him why he won't do distance, he said it's because he did it with his ex-wife and got too clingy and didn't want to do that again.

Part of me is waiting for the three words or a clear sign that he wants to be with me, because if that’s the case I'm not taking the job. The job would totally help my career but the thought of potential love is more important. He is also very, very guarded about his emotions. The romance is all on me. I will say I am a hopeless romantic: cards, candles, care packages, etc. His idea of the perfect gift is a card with money so I can go get what I want. I feel that there is no effort with that. If he took me to a store I like and told me to pick out something and I’d pay for it, that’d be one thing, but what he’s doing shows he doesn’t even care. Apparently, the ex returned everything he bought her so he doesn't want to have to go and make yet another return.

He was really hurt by his ex and has a wall built up. He told me he used to be really romantic and affectionate, but he won’t do the same things as he did with her because he's afraid of being hurt. I know this and I understand it, but I feel as though I'm paying for the ex's mistakes.

With the job offer approaching, I don't know how I can figure out what I'm going to do. When I asked him if the shoe was on the other foot, would he take the job, he responded "of course" -- no thought of me at all. I left his place and he followed saying that he didn't want to lose me but he didn't want to stand in the way of my career.

I’ve been hurt but I'm still willing to sit at the table and get dealt the next hand. He's at the table, but he’s ready to leave when the bet is too much to gamble. We are both playing … why is it that I am the only one to bet it all?

– Gambling With Her Mistakes, Saugus

Q: Dear Meredith,

I've been in a relationship with someone we'll call "Peter" for a year. I'm 22, he's 25, but we're both still in college. (The reason he's still in college is because he took time off between high school and college to play a sport - not because he's stupid and got held back or anything like that).

Anyway, I'm his longest relationship. He's not mine - I was in a three-and-a-half year relationship that ended right before (literally, the day before) he and I started hanging out. I'll admit, this whole relationship began with a one night fling. But we haven't made it this far just because I was rebounding - I've genuinely developed feelings for him and at this point, I think I love him too much for my own good. Sounds crazy, but this is why I need your advice.

"Peter" is finishing up his final season playing his sport and thus his final full year at college, where I will remain for another year. He has the potential to get signed any day, which basically means he has the potential to leave any day. I have my own place, but I literally haven't unpacked since I moved there six months ago. I've been living with Peter full-time at his apartment for quite a while. We got a cat together and we love it to death. I have a ton of stuff here - so much so, that it would take me at least a full day to move out. Anyway, I'm digressing.

My concern is this: Since the beginning, I've tried to be the rock in our relationship. By this I mean I tried to be the skeptic, the one who doubted that this had long-term potential, while he was the one who made direct comments toward marriage, etc. I did this to protect myself. I know one year isn't a long time, especially since I was in such a long relationship before, but with each day I feel my strength dissolve. I would be utterly lost without Peter and it scares the living hell out of me. At the same time, I think he's becoming less and less idealistic, and I worry that my concerns about our future (for example, where he'll go, what I'll do, whether or not we'll be able to trust each other without jealousy taking the upper hand) are pushing him away. That's because most of the time, these worries come out when I have a little too much to drink - which results in me waking up the next day feeling vulnerable and quite frankly, pretty stupid. He says not to worry about it and that he loves me, but I'm frustrating MYSELF - how can I not be frustrating him with my emotional drunken talks (that are actually legitimate, but that I try to steer away from under all circumstances and especially while I'm sober?)

I don't want to be vulnerable. I don't want to seem needy. But I feel like I've lost my rock-like persona and it shows. I'm scared he doesn't like the insecure me - after all, who likes insecurity? But our future together is anything but secure. He could leave any day and literally go anywhere. I wish I didn't care so much, but I do. Am I over-reacting? Do you think it's possible that he really isn't bothered by my (drunken) discussions about whether or not things will work out? Are my fears pushing him away? What do I do? I feel like I should take some time to be away from him and let him figure out whether or not I'm what he wants anymore. But at the same time, I think I'd be doing that to protect myself under the cover of "bettering our relationship."

HELP!

– Care Bear, Boston

Q: Hi Meredith,

I have a sort of strange situation I need help with!

I am a recently engaged 31-year-old. Although there were a couple of "bumps" along the way, I think our relationship is the strongest it's ever been and I'm excited about our future together.

Having said that, one of the issues we did encounter some time ago was that my boyfriend (now fiancé) had a female friend (who happens to be an ex-girlfriend) I never knew about. I was never a controlling, jealous, needy girlfriend. In fact, I think the “freedom” I gave “Jim” was what caused this issue in the first place. I was very confused why he would hide this friendship. They would occasionally get dinner and catch up. I guess she has a boyfriend, as well, and their friendship was completely platonic. I've come to believe that, but a scar certainly remains for me. When I found out about this girl (I snooped through his phone and saw a couple of texts - nothing bad, nothing sexual), I was devastated he would hang out with someone behind my back- especially because she was an ex. I assumed they weren't just “catching up.” We went through couples’ therapy and he no longer speaks to her and has really made a 100% effort to be truthful and non-deceitful. Weirdly as it seems, that event seems to have made us stronger, even though the level of trust will never be the same.

However, I feel I needed to tell that story before I got into my present problem. Before Jim was in the picture, I met a guy online. This was in 2004. We never dated and never even met. I guess we both sort of chickened out about meeting. However, we have remained close "e-mail" friends for the past five years. It is strictly platonic and it is not sexual at all. It's hard to describe, but we can share problems/stories with each other and trust that other will not share with anyone else. We write back and forth at work and that's it. Nothing at night, nothing on the weekends. During the work days we email back and forth a lot -- almost every day.

The problem is that I feel guilty I've never mentioned him to Jim. It's embarrassing to tell him I met him online and I feel like it's hypocritical because it's me hiding someone just like he did. At the same time, I feel it's different because we have never dated and do not hang out face-to-face.

Meredith, am I terrible hypocrite? I am wondering how to tell my fiancé without ruining my relationship?

– Hypocrite in Boston?

Q: Hi Meredith,

I have been married to the love of my life for 10 years, and she had a 9yo girl from her previous marriage when we married. The girl’s father is totally out of the picture and I have adopted her. I was divorced from my first wife for several years before we met. Anyway, our child is now 19 and is looking at colleges.

It just so happens that my ex-wife is a respected professor at one of the colleges she is considering -- in the field our daughter wants to study.

I have suggested that we go visit my ex and the school and that’s where the trouble starts. I guess I kinda neglected to tell new wife that I have been in contact with the ex all these years. Nothing major or inappropriate. A couple of e-mails a year, “how ya doin',” “I moved,” “check out my new book,” “my e-mail has changed,” etc.

Now (I think it's Tiger Woods syndrome or something) I find my wife checking up on me all the time -- looking over my shoulder when I'm online. I suspect she's tried to break in to my e-mail, and I know she's gone through my phone. All things she's never done before.

I've never given her any reason to suspect me of fooling around. I'm always home, been a good hubby and dad, and was only thinking of a way to give our daughter a leg up in getting into this program at this school.

She says she feels betrayed that I never told her about my contacts with the ex. I tell her I'm sure there are people she e-mails that I don't know about.

Also, I think there's nothing wrong with re-establishing contact with my ex as a family as someone who could mentor and keep an eye on our baby girl while she is away at school.

Despite our differences 20 years ago, she is a nice highly-respected professor who is also remarried with her own family.

My wife disagrees. Thoughts/opinions?

– goin nuts in ma

Q: Hey Meredith,

I'm only writing out of extreme exasperation, since I really have no idea where to turn for good advice.

My story is a pretty simple one. About a year ago, a friend introduced me to his wife's friend, and we hit it off. I'm 29 now, and she's 26. We dated, things went extremely well, and things have continually progressed since then to the point where we are both extremely happy and have been considering moving in together this summer when our leases end. All in all, a very normal, healthy, mutually respectful relationship that makes us both very happy.

A few weeks ago, however, she dropped a bomb on me. She told me that when she was in college she was pretty casual about relationships. When I asked what that meant, she told me that there had probably been with about 35 guys. 35! I was floored. I had always assumed she had a typical dating past, and that she was a nice girl. She assured me that she had completely changed after college, but I still have no idea how to process this information. I'm pretty sure that if I knew this from the start, I never would have given her a chance. I was in a frat in college and played hockey and knew girls that slept around, but I don't even think I know anyone who did it to that extent. Needless to say, I'm really weirded out. It's so extreme.

This is a woman who, until two weeks ago, I could easily have seen myself marrying. She's been so incredibly great to me, but now I don't know who I'm dating. I would love to get past this and go back to feeling the way I used to, but I don't know if that's possible. I'm also afraid that if I end it over this, it'll be the biggest regret of my life. I just don't know what to do. She makes me so happy and it's probably the best relationship of my life, but I'm now seeing her as damaged goods. I try to rationalize why her number isn't that crazy or out of whack, but then I snap back into it and remember that I don't know a single woman who did anything remotely like that in college. This is just foreign to me.

– Conflicted, Boston

Q: Hey Meredith,

This is the guy who wrote the grilled cheese letter awhile back. I have another question for you.

I have been dating a woman for about 6 weeks. We are both the same age and live right around the corner from each other. I originally met her at the supermarket at the shopping plaza near my home. She had told me she works at a place in this same shopping plaza. I have been seeing her about once a week, after she gets out of work at 8 p.m.

Things seemed to be going well, and I felt like we were going somewhere. We also have been intimate after the last couple times we went out. So a couple days ago, she again told me she would call me at 8 when she got out of work to meet up. So that night, since I had some time to kill, I decided to go to the supermarket to do some grocery shopping. As I was leaving the supermarket at around 6:45 p.m., I glanced over toward the place where she works -- which was at the far end of the parking lot from me -- and noticed the place was dark. On my way out of the lot, I drove down there to check it out and it was definitely closed. The hours listed on the door state it closes daily at 5:30 p.m. So I found out by accident that she has been lying to me about the time she works until.

Every single time we have gone out had supposedly been right after she left there at 8. I have no idea why she lied, and I thought everything had been going great for us. We have not yet had a talk about being exclusive, so I am kind of unsure whether or not I have a right to be angry at her, since she is not actually my girlfriend yet. But it has definitely turned me off of her significantly.

She called me at 8:10 that night, and said she was so tired, and that she just left work, but she would be right over. I was very bothered by the whole thing, but didn't tell her about it because I didn't want to seem stalker-ish, or have her think I was spying on her. I just told her I didn't feel up to hanging out that night, and haven't called her since. My questions are whether or not I am justified to be angry at her, and if this is actually a big deal or not that she lied. Should I tell her I know and confront her? I also wonder what else she could have lied to me about. It seems like such a dumb thing to lie about, and it has really confused me about how I actually feel about her. Whatever advice you have is greatly appreciated!

– Grilled Cheese Guy, Boston

Q: Dear Meredith,

I'm in my eighth year of marriage to a person who can best be described as an "attention ho." He's overly dramatic at the slightest thing (ever been around someone who shouts "O-M-G!" several times while they're at the computer or TV and gets you all riled up over what turns out to be nothing? That's him.), and is an excessive attention-seeker for the *hit* of validation it seems to give him. Of course, he's also extremely intelligent, charming, and witty, which was what attracted me to him initially.

I got past the OMG-stuff pretty quickly, but what's been a recurrent issue for us is that he's not only an attention-seeking beast, but has become addicted to social networking sites where he can impulsively post ad nauseum about every bit and burp in his day, all to the supposed glowing admiration (read: validation) of his Facebook friends, Twitter, and blog followers. Do you wonder how he might have so much time for this activity? He works from home, where his default position is in the easy chair in front of the TV, attached to his trusty laptop.

This is a second marriage for me (1st for him); I have an adult child from my first, long-term marriage, in which I had married young and felt the need to find validation for myself in the few years before meeting #2. I'll note also that I am a very independent person, not needy in any way, and he's pretty free and clear in being able to do whatever he wants (i.e.; watch TV and sports 24/7, go out with friends, which he rarely does because he's online so much, but you get the idea: I'm not holding him back).

Mind you, hubby number one was/is a terrific person that I left behind to "find myself", and any issues I thought were worth leaving him over now pale in comparison to what's become a living nightmare.

In the past few years there have been several instances of his using social networking to share private information, certainly in an attempt to buy some attention credits from his "friends," but unfortunately involving MY private info as well. An example: a few years ago I had started a new job and decided to give notice after just a few weeks in, realizing that it was a very bad fit: the next day I got an email link to hubby's blog, in which he had related the entire story to his numerous followers! It contained everything but the company name, which would have been easy to obtain. Since that time, he is not allowed to blog about anything regarding me unless I approve it first.

There have been other times in which he insulted dear friends of mine with what he had intended to be a witty comment on Facebook; I have since unfriended and now blocked him altogether.

The last straw:

I went to the ER in early November with chest pain, ended up there for over 8 hours and had numerous tests, after which I was sent to a cardiologist. On that long day in the hospital, I told him that only brother and my in-laws were to be told of this, since my elderly Mom has sleepless nights if she knows I have a hang-nail, and I didn't want any other friends to know/worry before we had more info. Fast forward a couple weeks and I’m now headed for a procedure, unsure of what the intervention will turn out to be, but sure that life changes from here on in.

Two weeks ago, I learned quite by accident that, on that long day in the ER, he had TWEETED every single test and diagnostic update to over 600 strangers!!!!!! I only found out because he had me reading something someone had written about him (of course) on his trusty laptop, and when I closed out the window, there was his Twitter-feed opened behind it, showing gazillions of people's tweets, his among them.

His response when confronted? "I was terrified! I had to tell "someone"!

As always, denial of any wrongdoing, then apologies and promises, promises, promises.

Counseling, anyone? Well, let's just say that, in the ten years we've been together there's already been more than enough counseling for him, us, and me, and it's basically a big money-suck at this point. He deleted his Twitter account (his choice), and I'm sure it's just killing him not to be sharing more of my info ... but wait ... how do I know he isn't?

So, here I am, ready for who-knows-what with my health, and filled with rage at this immature, impulsive, narcissistic creature. At this point, I've informed him that as soon as things are settled with me health-wise, he is SO outta here.

I guess I'm looking for someone to validate *me* at this point: after giving him numerous opportunities to get it right, why should I let him stay?

– Over-Exposed, Boston

Q: My marriage of 8 years broke up unexpectedly earlier this year. I'd been with my husband for nearly 11 years in all, and before that, hadn't had much experience dating (I was a late bloomer). Because of the way my marriage ended and my previous inexperience, I don't have much confidence in dating.

I'm in my mid-30s now and decided to join Match.com as a way to slowly introduce myself to the idea of dating. Although my divorce isn't finalized yet, I thought dating would be easier while I didn't have much invested in it -- since I'm still married, I wouldn't be going into it with expectations of meeting "the one" or wanting to rush into a long-term relationship.

I met two people on Match (neither went anywhere) and then met one more person right before I let my subscription expire. I have now seen that person four times and, before the LL Cool Kids ask, there has definitely been some (excellent) making out, but no pajama parties or grilled cheeses.

Here's my dilemma. I'm a woman, and I've been reading some dating books, and they all seem to say to wait until the guy does the asking out, the telephoning, etc. This guy is quiet and sometimes it can be tough to find things to talk about as he doesn't ask me many questions about myself. With all of the dates, I've been the one to suggest meeting up. He's been fine with it, and has been quick to suggest places/things to do, but I'm still the one who makes the initial suggestion.

Do I need to hold back more and make him be the one to reach out? Or can I even bluntly say, "Look, if you want to see me again, you have to make an effort here"? I'm just perplexed because back when I dated in my mid-20s, things seemed easier. The guy asked me out. I said yes. That was it.

Now, though, I'm older and have a better idea of what I want and less of a need to play games. But I think there's something in these dating books that rings true. Men do like the chase, and I fear I'm not leading a very merry one.

I like this guy. I'm not crazy in love with him, because 1) it's been four dates and 2) I'm taking things slowly for obvious reasons. But some advice would be a huge help in figuring out this whole scary dating world again. Thanks.

– Completely baffled by dating, Cambridge

Q: I am a widow who was married for 25 years to a good, faithful man. I was likewise faithful. It was a loving marriage. We had several children (now grown). I've been in a steady relationship with a divorced man (with young adult children) for the past year or so. We are in our 50s.

I was surprised to find love and passion again, and since we met, we've been inseparable. Our feelings for each other show no sign of cooling off. I told him I loved him early in the relationship but he was floored and said it was too early. He also said that he has a hard time saying those words, as he's been "burned" by marriage. He was in a previous relationship before me, that, he said, went on longer than it should have, but he did tell that previous GF that he loved her, although they fought off and on for years before he broke it off, shortly before we met. He has told me several times that the relationship was a mistake and that we are much closer than he and his ex-GF were, even though our relationship is relatively new. In fact, we remarked how "comfortable" we were with each other early on.

He says he "feels love" for me. He is affectionate, loving, but no "I love yous."

Maybe I'm putting too much emphasis on a word. I just have a need to know. We are committed to each other, but not hearing those words, I guess I just can't believe it.

Am I making too much of a word? Does it matter any more?

– Merry Widow, Metrowest

Q: Dear Meredith,

I've been reading your column daily for months. So many of the situations from fellow readers have hit home for me... now I need some advice (with some reference to past letter writers!)

Basically I have been dating this guy, let's call him James, for about 4-5 months. I am 24 and he 25. We met about a month after a "long-term" relationship of mine ended. Let me discuss this previous relationship:

It lasted 16 months -- not a long time by many people's standards, but it was my longest and his longest -- and we were very much in love. We had so much in common, were each others' best friends, and loved to watch sports, cook, read, get drunk, exercise, watch movies, and just laugh. So why did we break up? Well, he cheated on me -- twice.

The first was early on, and I didn't find out for many, many months. I forgave him and we moved on. (Weeks later I pulled a "got-drunk-at-a-work-party-and-went-on-a-date" with him -- like a recent LW -- except that it was at a wedding -- and I gave the finger to so many people I didn't know, and threw my shoe at one of the groomsmen. Needless to say, he was so embarrassed and was about to break up with me over it, but he also forgave me.) We were very happy, but we also fought a lot, almost twice a week. Months went by, and I found out that he kissed a coworker of his, and when I confronted him - HE broke up with me!! It was over for him. We loved each other, but he said we just didn't work together. He would say that I was the girl of his dreams, and that he messed up, and that he couldn't keep hurting me anymore. We said we would try to be friends. (I know I said this so that I could try to win him back -- how delusional am I?? He is the one that should be trying to win ME back! But I loved him, and I would honestly have spent the rest of my life with him.) Every time we'd be together it was impossible to just be friends. We would hug each other, and we'd both cry and say how much we missed each other, but he just couldn't be with me. I was crushed.

At the time we broke up, one of your readers sent in a letter asking when it stops hurting. She said that it had been 2 years since she and her boyfriend had broken up, and that she was still not over it. I was in shock! I didn't want to waste two years of my life over this guy. I will admit that the first months were horrible and almost unbearable -- I even had to stop reading your column for a while. It has now been about 6 months, and finally I am starting to get over him.

So, when I met James I took it very slowly. I knew that I wasn't emotionally ready to be with anyone, but I couldn't keep crying everyday and taking sleep aids at night. We went on dates once a week, and then more often, but from the get-go I noticed I wasn't very "affectionate.” I never said "I miss you" or "I can't wait to see you," because I knew I didn't feel those things, not for him. (And I wasn't going to fake it.) I still missed my ex. I still loved my ex. I knew that James had potential, so I wanted to give him a chance. There were many things that I liked right away about James, and slowly I hoped that the ways in which he didn't match up with my ex would start to fade away, and the ways in which he excelled would be illuminated. I do care for James deeply, and he's already told me that he's falling in love with me.

A few weeks ago we had a fight over some principles of his that I thought were just too hard-wired in his brain to change, and I broke things off. He came back being repentant and telling me that he could change, and that if I had feelings for him too that we should give it another shot. I told him then that I didn't know if I'd ever love him, or ever be able to reciprocate the strong emotions of which I was afraid he was developing for me. He then said, "Well, do you know for sure that you'll never be able to have those feelings, or do you not know. Because if you don't know, that's okay, we can wait and see."

The question is, if there really is a strong possibility that I won't ever love him, should I break things off with him now? Before he starts to develop stronger feelings? Or should I go with it, especially since I kind of warned him I may never have those feelings? I also know that the longer I am with him, the stronger my feelings will inevitably become, and the more I'll miss him when he isn't around or there to talk to, but I'm so afraid those feelings won't ever escalate into passionate, head-over heals love. Over time I may just end up "fooling myself" into "loving" him. I don't want either of us to get hurt, when possibly in a few months, I come to the very likely realization--that I'll never love him. Or do you think I just can't love him yet because I'm still hurt from my last relationship and I need to give it time?

As you can probably tell, I do still have feelings for my ex. I probably do still love him ... Maybe I do need 2 years.

ps. Sorry this is so long!

– What is the "right" thing to do?, Boston