He wants me to move
Happy rainy Friday.
We have a treat today. Last Friday, I took two letters and brought them to comedians Janeane Garofalo and Rob Riggle (of “The Daily Show”), who performed that night at the Wilbur Theatre. I asked them to give some celebrity advice, and they were happy to oblige. They did a very good job, as you’ll see below. You'll get the second letter on Monday.
Here we go.
Q: Hi Meredith! I'm hoping you and the LL readers can give me some good advice - I definitely need an outside perspective.
I'm 25 and my boyfriend is 27. I am currently working in Boston at a job I love and he is finishing up his master's degree. We have been dating for 3 years now and have been challenged and been made stronger together. We don't live together. We met after college and have both had serious relationships before. We have a great relationship that is fulfilling and satisfying on all levels. We both see our relationship as having marriage potential. We are still young and in no rush to settle down and get married right away but we know it could be in the future. I love him, unconditionally.
Now, here's the problem. He recently got an offer for his "dream job" out in Texas. Sounds great right? Well, I'm not ready or even to willing to move to Texas with him. I have established a good job here and more importantly, all my (and his) family is in NE. I'm not alright with being that far away from family. I like NE, I like my job, I like my friends. I feel like I would be giving up a lot if I were to move with him. Maybe too much.
I'm not comfortable asking him to not take the job. This is the start of his career and a great opportunity for him. I'm also scared to lose him. I know, ultimately it is his decision, but he keeps asking for my input. Should I take the risk and tell him to take the job and move with him? Do I tell him to go but get left behind? I don't want him to resent me for keeping him here.
He knows where I stand on this issue; we've talked about it a lot. So my question is do I take the big leap and follow him? Or do I choose to stay and possibly lose my future husband?
Thanks for your time and hopefully your advice.
– Texas or Bust, Boston
A: TOB, do you have to make a big decision before he goes? Right now, moving seems scary. Not moving and losing him seems scarier.
What if you played it by ear? Maybe he can move to Texas and you can visit a few times. Maybe he’ll hate it and come home. Or maybe you’ll love your visits so much that you’ll want to spend more and more time there. Or perhaps you’ll be so comfortable on your own in Boston that you’ll embrace a break-up.
I like clear answers, but you don’t have one at the moment. I think this is a situation where you’re going to have to figure out what you want by testing the waters. Process of elimination. After some visits and some time here alone, I think the choice will be easier to make.
That’s my take. And now we can hear what Janeane and Rob had to say. And then you can discuss below. And please do.
– Meredith
Bedroom blues
Your advice made Ms. Cat Lady very happy yesterday. She e-mailed at the end of the day to say thank you.
I went to see “New Moon” with the contest winners last night. The trend continues – Love Letters readers are very attractive. Not that it matters. But they are.
Q: My boyfriend and I have been together for a year. It seems that the same themes keep coming up in our relationship... One of them being that we have very different libidos.
He is fine with 1x per week (and I don't think less would bother him) while I would be happier with 3x per week... he usually just says "no" or kind of laughs when I made advance in order to change the subject. Generally speaking, he says it's "just not that important to me".
It leaves me feeling lonely and sad and disconnected from him. He reassures me that it shouldn't. I understand it's not everything, but I think it's an important part of a relationship. He's promised to try to come to a middle-ground, but nothing has changed.
Is this something that is going to cause huge problems between us if we continue this long-term into a marriage?
Name Confused.
– Confused, Massachusetts
A: I’m sorry, Confused. Constant sexual rejection is pretty miserable.
I get that his sex drive is lower than yours, but it’s no longer OK for him to laugh at your advances or to categorize this problem as a little one. I think it’s a biggie.
Television sitcoms would have us believe that it’s the women who are always rejecting sex and using the old headache excuse -- but in reality, most of the letters I’ve received about wanting more sex have come from women. This men-always-want-sex myth sets women up to feel extra rejected when they're not wanted, and men to feel shamed by their own lack of drive. Everyone loses.
Your guy has mentioned a middle ground, and that’s a start. It’s worth talking to him about your schedules -- whether he might be more interested in having sex during a different time of day. He needs to be comfortable enough to talk about what gets him in the mood, what he enjoys, and how this pressure to have sex has affected his ability to want it.
The other thing to talk to him about is the importance of being physical, even if it’s not all-the-way sex. Cuddling, spooning (sorry, I’m getting mushy), and being touchy in general can keep us feeling connected, even when we’re not as connected as we’d like to be.
Talk to him. And do it during the day, out of bed, in a neutral place. Define that middle ground and come up with a plan to achieve it. Because you’re right – you can’t walk around feeling rejected all of the time. If he doesn't really want to make a change, best to figure that out sooner than later.
Readers? Thoughts? Have sitcoms ruined us? Will there ever be a middle ground? Share.
– Meredith
Becoming the cat lady
Cat lady. Not to be confused with Catwoman ....
Q: I'm a 53-year old female. I've been divorced for a long, long time (15+ years) and my children are grown. I'm smart, funny, educated, sophisticated enough not to embarrass anyone if taken out to a nice place, but also appreciate the proverbial hamburger on the grill. I love rock music, I am artistic and creative and I have a good handle on life in general. I have a decent job and a little side-business that I created and run all by myself. I get along with my extended family, and don't seem to have any baggage, per se. So, what's the problem? You tell me!
I have not had someone special in my life for years despite efforts to "get out there." I had a lone four-year relationship that ended very badly (he left me for someone else) and since then, I have been alone. That was seven years ago.
I've tried internet dating, friends of friends, courses, church....you name it. I will tell you - I don't have traditional good looks and I wear a plus size (just barely plus, mind you!). However, I keep myself attractive and wear nice clothes, I'm clean, my hair is nice, I have all my teeth....you get the picture. For some reason I am overlooked on internet sites (I often think that in real estate terms, I just don't have "curb appeal"). It has happened time and time again. I also simply do not meet men who are in the same boat as me. (I do meet women in my boat, but that's not my thing.)
I know -- you'll say "just wait, he's out there," but honestly I'm starting to wonder. My friends all say they can't understand why I haven't been able to find someone. For a long time I felt like it was my looks, my weight, whatever. But I've decided that I am what I am ... and if I can't be me, then it's not worth it just to have someone else. I guess my question is, how can I learn to be content with the status quo and enjoy the moment? I'm afraid I will I end up as a crazy cat lady who doesn't even own a cat.
What is one to do when it seems that love won't come?
– Will I end up as a crazy cat lady?, Cambridge
A: WIEUAACL, I wish I could say he’s out there, but I have no idea. You’re doing all the right things (church, classes, etc.). All you can do is keep doing those right things.
Please consider that you’re not alone even though you’re lonely. Some of your married friends may be lonely within their relationships. I’m not saying you should make yourself feel better by assuming that everyone else is miserable, but you can take comfort in the fact that there are some pretty great things about your life that are quite enviable. You’ve mentioned friends, children, and a drive to be creative. Some people would trade their boyfriends in a heartbeat to have those things.
It’s a tough age, for sure, but that doesn’t mean it’s impossible to meet someone. I make no promises, but again, just keep doing what you’re doing. And please, value all of the good stuff, the fact that you have two sources of income and a great sense of humor. Crazy cat ladies do not make jokes about having their teeth. They’re too busy feeding their cats. You are a cool single lady. Walk the walk and people will believe. Looks have always been less important than confidence.
Many of the letters I receive come from people – usually in their 20s to 50s – who are lonely and wondering why they don’t have a partner. Despite the fact that everyone around you seems better off in love, that’s not necessarily the case. You’re living in a world full of people who are looking for someone to love. They’re just like you. I believe it was the great and tantric Sting who once said, “Seems I'm not alone at being alone … a hundred billion castaways, looking for a home.”
Now stop me before I move on to “Eleanor Rigby.” Ah, look at all the lonely people …
Readers? Is this letter writer any different than the 20 and 30-somethings who pine for partners? How can she feel better about the present? Does one must own a cat to be a crazy cat lady? Share here. And remember to chat at 1 p.m.
– Meredith
Hooked up with the bartender
My casting choices for this one: Kate Hudson as the letter writer, Bradley Cooper as the bartender, and Betty White as the crazy aunt. Because that’s how it’s done.
Q: Where to start? I guess at the beginning, right? So about two months ago, I attended a friend's wedding the weekend of my 30th birthday in North Carolina. This was a wedding none of my Boston friends would be going to, and I would be the lone single girl. (My friend actually told me that I would be the only single girl attending…guess who would be getting that bouquet!)
I meet this guy the first day there. He was the bartender in the hotel where the wedding was taking place -- in North Carolina. I thought that he was cute and nice, but seeing as I lived in Boston and he in NC, nothing would come of it. Now the bride's family (who I adore) encouraged me to talk to him, and one aunt even suggested that I needed to take him back to my room! Is this what happens when you turn 30? People start wanting you to hook up with random strangers? If that is the case, where were they when I was 25? :)
Anyway, one of the nights I was there, I asked NC if he had a girlfriend, and he told me that he was single. I asked him why, telling him “you look great on paper” ... and he comes back with “last year my fiancé cheated on me with my best friend.” Oops...open mouth, insert foot. And right there, I knew that he was emotionally fragile.
The last night I was there, he gave me his number and told me that we could become text buddies. I told him that would be cool, and then he told me that he could come to Boston because there was a girl there that he would like to see. Now I have many, what I like to call "my Jessica Simpson moments" and responded with, I didn't know you had friends in Boston. Yeah, I know...duh?! Oh, and incase you were wondering, we did end up having a rendezvous later that night.
Anywho, I return to Boston, with phone number in tow and true to his word we correspond through text, and to my amazement ... phone calls! Some of the texts were a little racy, and risqué, but then the others were just "thinking of you" texts, or "I wish I could see you", and “I’m starting to miss you.” So after about month of this, he comes out with, I am planning a trip to Boston, would that be ok? And I asked him if he was serious, because if he was, I would be more than excited. He tells me he booked his flight and hotel and would be coming for 5 days.
For some reason, I always thought that he wasn’t going to come, probably because I didn’t want to get my hopes up, but one of my guy friends asked me why would he keep up the charade if he wasn’t planning on visiting and for me to believe him. Since I really couldn’t give him a good answer I started getting excited about his visit and showing him my favorite city spots, as he has never been here before.
Texts and phone calls are going back and forth, texts with countdowns of the number of days until I see you. Then last week, I got a text from him stating “14 days and I am so excited to see you.” I send a response and then nothing. No response. Wait a couple of days, and I send a “Hey how are you?” Nothing. So now I have no idea if he is still coming, or if he is dead in a ditch somewhere, or is freaking out about coming and doesn't know how to tell me.
I also have read “He’s Just Not That Into You” about a 1000 times, since last week. I don’t know how that is supposed to help you, but thought I would share anyway.
I really don’t want him to think that I am stalking him by sending him another text, or worse a phone call, but is there anything I can do at this point, other than listen to old sad country songs?
– Listening to old sad country songs
A: LTOSCS,
He’s not in a ditch. Sorry.
I mean, there’s a 15 percent chance he’ll resurface with a flight confirmation number, but really, haven’t you lost interest in being this guy’s tour guide?
At best, this was going to be an affair, a pleasant distraction. If your connection to him has become less pleasant, cut him off (in your head – because in real life, he has already severed ties).
This isn’t about him “not being into you.” It’s about him being the hotel bartender who hooks up with the single woman at the wedding. He’s that guy. And you’re on the other end of the cliché. You’re the 30-year-old single woman who gets wooed and dismissed after catching the bouquet.
Don’t feel sad about it. You’re an archetype. Do you know how many movies have been made about 30-something single women at weddings? I can think of at least 15. They’re not always great films, but they tend to do well at the box office. Everyone at that wedding was probably living vicariously through you.
My guess is that Mr. North Carolina bartender will turn up soon, just because that’s what those guys do. Maybe he’ll have a good excuse, but you probably won’t trust it. When he does turn up, you can do what the single, 30-year-old woman in the movie is supposed to do. Tell him to buzz off -- and then run around with your friends. Wear a cool outfit and pointy shoes. Sip a fruity drink. Have fun with it. Live the dream.
Readers? Is there anything I’ve missed? Is this guy going to show up? Has this letter writer become a Bridget Jones against her will? Should she do more to find her bartender? Better casting choices? Share.
– Meredith
How long have you been 17?
Here are the “New Moon” contest winners.
All of the entries were so fantastic. Some of you managed to connect vampires to grilled cheese. A few of you wrote fake comments and spoke on Rico’s behalf. Some of you wrote more than 2,000 words.
Thank you to film critic Wesley Morris for choosing the winners. And thanks to everyone who sent a letter. I was amazed by what you came up with. I think most of you have a novel in you.
We were only supposed to have two winners, but we begged the movie company and got three.
Winner 1:
This one made Wesley laugh quite a bit. He also said that the writer’s fake advice is exactly what I would say -- and I pretty much agree.
Question:
I have a dilemma I hope you can help with. Last year I had to move to a new town, new school, new everything. I'm not sure I would have made it through except that I met a really great guy -- we'll call him "Teddy" -- whom I ended up dating pretty seriously. Teddy was everything I thought I wanted. He treated me well, he was really cute, and he even had that bad-boy vibe without any of the bad-boy attitude. Honestly, he never even tried to pressure me into sex (something about it being too dangerous?).
But then he broke up with me this year without any explanation. Just took off for Italy and left his family to tell me where he'd gone. I was heartbroken because I thought I could love this guy forever, and when I say forever, I mean, like, for eternity. I was horribly depressed and eventually got better only by hanging out with a good friend who I'll call "Yacob."
Well, the other day, Yacob KISSED me. It wasn't a friendly peck on the cheek, at all, and he made it clear that he was looking for a deeper relationship than what we have now. I'm so confused because I thought Teddy was the one for me, but Yacob's the one here, and Yacob, I've noticed, also looks pretty hot without his shirt on. And he's walking around without his shirt on all the time. He's got that smooth, bare chest I love -- well, smooth except during certain times of the month -- which I have to admit is an improvement over Teddy who had some kind of weird glowy skin that he used to freak out about, even though I kept telling him he just looked like he'd rolled around in some glitter.
Anyway, please tell me what to do. I still keep thinking about Teddy, but should I just try moving on by dating Yacob? Or should I try contacting Teddy again?
-- Giddy, Lusting, Or Only Make-Believe?
Answer:
GLOOM, I think you may have your questions mixed up. You're asking whether to choose Teddy or Yacob, but I don't think that's your real question. Yes, we can endlessly debate the pros and cons of Teddy and Yacob, but there's very little in your letter about what YOU want.
In a very short period of time and during a pretty busy year or so, you've gotten into two meaningful relationships. I'm not saying the relationships aren't going to last, or that they weren't important, but have you really taken the time to adjust to your new environment and figure out what would make you happy?
Maybe the choice isn't between Teddy and Yacob. Maybe it's about choosing yourself. Instead of, say ending up married at 19 and giving birth to a vampire demon baby with all sorts of somewhat incestual weirdness going on...
Winner 2:
Wesley liked that this letter was written from the perspective of the werewolf. And we both liked the advice – because if I really got a letter like this, I would be very concerned about the whole hospital situation …
Q
Hi, Meredith. I know I'm probably younger than your typical LWs, but here goes. I've liked this girl for a while now, and our dads are best friends. She's pretty and cool, and when she first moved here a few months ago, all of the guys in town were after her.
The problem is, she's been going with this guy who isn't right for her. There's just something cold about him. None of my friends like this guy, and I'm pretty sure that he's hiding something big. She split town a while ago and then landed in the hospital. I know that it had something to do with this guy, but she won't talk about it. I'm really worried about her, and I really wish that she would stop seeing him. My dad even paid me $20 to crash her prom and tell her to stay away from his whole family. Crazy, huh? I don't think her dad likes him, either. Her dad's the local chief of police, so he has to be a good judge of character, right?
Not to mention, I like her. A lot. When she first came to town, I thought there might have been something between us. I fixed up her truck, and we hung out a few times. See, there was this long walk on the beach, and I could have sworn that she was interested. But, ever since she started dating this guy, I hardly ever get to see her anymore. It's like he's her whole world now. I spend all of my free time fixing bikes while trying not to think about her or worry that she's going to end up in the hospital again.
I haven't told her how I really feel about him. I just get the feeling that there's nothing I could say that would change her mind about seeing him. Even if I said something, she'd probably just think I was jealous. How do I tell her what I really think about this guy? And how do I get her to see me as more than just a friend?
My Best Friend is Dating a Bloodsucker, Washington
A
MBFIDAB, you're asking how you can get your friend to see her guy the way you see him and to see you as a potential love interest. That's tricky. Here's the funny thing about perception: people only see what they want to see.
We've all known people who have made questionable dating choices. More often than not, well-meaning advice falls on deaf ears. You could howl about this guy until you were blue in the face, but there's nothing that you could really do or say to change her mind about him. Sometimes, people need to learn from their mistakes, even if it's painful for the rest of us to watch while they make them. My guess is that you were right not to say anything about the guy. For now. If this guy is as creepy as you say, there's a good chance she'll figure it out for herself.
My main concern is the mysterious hospital stay, which could be a red flag for an abusive relationship. Unless she's acting scared or anxious, the only thing that you can do is continue to be there for her in case something else happens. Keep an eye on them. It helps that her dad is the police chief. If the situation deteriorates, definitely bring him into the loop.
Maybe someday she'll be ready to see you as more than just a friend, but you need to decide if you want to put your life on hold for someone who is spending all her energy on another guy. Your friend is living her life; shouldn't you be living yours? Take a look around you. Could there be someone in your orbit with hidden potential? Go out. Be young. And keep your options open.
Winner 3:
I fell in love with this one because the person who wrote it told me that by doing this assignment, she gained some insight into her own, real-life love problem. And she has obviously spent some quality time with the books. Points for extreme fandom.
Q
Dear Meredith,
My friend Jessica, suggested I write to you. She said she's gotten so much good advice from reading your column, and has written herself multiple times about Mike Newton. She told me you'd be brutally honest which I fear I may need a dose of that right now.
To give you a brief background, last year I moved to Forks, Washington to live with my father Charlie. I had been living with my mother in Phoenix, AZ but...well I just wanted her and Phil some freedom to travel with out having to worry about me anymore. I tend to keep to myself, I guess you could say I am a silent sufferer, and I had done so until, Edward.
Edward is the love of my life. I can't explain the way I feel about him. He has an almost honey-lilac and sun-flavored scent, if that even makes much sense. His skin is stone cold, and yet, the touch of him makes my heart beat faster and my cheeks grow hot. Edward is not like the rest of us. In fact, our relationship is like no other. One way to describe it is a lion falling in love with a sheep. I am the sheep in this instance. From an outsider's perspective, our relationship is impossible and forbidden, it is quite dangerous for us to spend time together, especially for me. Yet we cannot stay away from each other. I am drawn to him and I cannot find happiness in life with out him. For me to further disclose to you the details of our relationship would mean putting myself, Edward and his family in ultimate danger and so we'll leave things at that. A Lion in love with a sheep.
At the beginning of this year Edward left me. He left me for my own benefit. He insisted I continue to live my life with out him. To live a normal life. In his absence I was left in complete despair. A gaping hole was left in his wake and the only way I could find solace was through the exhilarating thrill of doing things dangerous and reckless. The only person I ever was able to feel comfortable around was my old friend Jacob. He was the only one who seemed to understand. He never pressed me and required me to put on a fake smile. He was my best friend. We began spending all our free time together. When I wasn't in school I was with Jacob. We found motorcycles and fixed them up together. He taught me to ride them and when I rode I felt closer to Edward. The danger of every situation made me hear his voice of caution in my ear and I longed for it. Before long, the reckless behavior became the only thing I looked forward to and Jacob was right there with me. I didn't need to hide my true feelings from him.
To try and regain a little brevity I will skip ahead to the present. Today Edward is back and I couldn't be happier, the only problem is that I have unintentionally led on my friend Jacob. He claims we are better for each other then Edward an I, and that he can give me what I truly need in life. He is also extremely angry with some of my decisions and yet, he is still there for me. I feel bad that I have put him in this situation and yet I can't help but miss our connection as well. I am coming to a fork in the road, where I know I must make a decision but I'm not sure I'm strong enough to give up either one of them. Please help...
-At a Fork, Forks, WA
A
AAF, I'm sure that this situation feels unique to you, but I assure you, you are not alone. There have been many LW in the past who question the love of a close friend and the love triangle has seen many a day on Love Letters. While I know that you feel this situation has come to a crossroads, and that there seems no easy answer in sight, I am here to tell you there is. The easy answer is within yourself. You need to take a few steps back and think of what is best for your friend rather then yourself. Sometimes we love people but aren't able to give them exactly what they're looking for. In this case I think your words speak for themselves. You talk a lot about the way you feel for Edward and the way he makes you feel, yet the only feeling you associate between yourself and Jacob is comfort. I believe you've answered your own question. You've found your love, and now you need to let someone find theirs. You have to give Jacob the space he needs to see that there will be other people he can get close with, and fall in love with. By keeping him around you are inhibiting his ability to move on. It probably makes you feel sad to lose a friend and also mean to shut him out, and because of that you assume it is wrong to push him away, however, it is because you are his friend that you must put your own feelings aside and do what’s best for him.
Jacob will find his Lion or sheep or wolf to love, but you need to give him the space to do so.
Readers, what do you think? Am I right? Has AAF answered her own question? Can you have two loves in one lifetime? Let us know. Here.
Dating a friend's ex
Hello.
“Twilight” contest winners have been chosen and will be notified by e-mail. I will post winning entries tomorrow morning. They were all pretty brilliant.
One of these days we’ll have a Love Letters event that’s open to everyone, without a contest. We’ll all jump on top of one another and sleep in a big pile (sorry – that’s from “Where the Wild Things Are,” which I saw this weekend).
Here’s today’s letter. Let the wild rumpus start.
Q: Hi Meredith,
My question today is about friends and dating past boyfriends/dates of your friends. Here is my situation:
I am single and in my early 40s. The guy, let's call him Kevin, dated my friend, let's call her Mary, for about 2 months, about a year ago. I only met him a few times while he was dating my friend and did not know him well at all. I have recently run into Kevin on several occasions. We have some mutual friends, other than Mary, and have lots of similar interests as well.
On the third random encounter, after an evening of nice conversation, Kevin asked me out. I told him I'd have to check my calendar before accepting, but that I was interested. I really didn't need to check my calendar, I am not that busy. What I needed to do was check with Mary. I had an honest, direct conversation with Mary - I told her I had run into Kevin a couple of times, that we had really hit it off and that I would like to catch a show with him next week. She expressed no objections, and in fact seemed enthusiastic and happy that we had connected.
Fast forward about a month...I have had several dates with Kevin, things are going well, and we are considering going away together this weekend. I told a mutual friend of mine and Mary's, and she told me that Mary has been talking to her about the situation and is NOT happy that I am dating Kevin. I tried to have another conversation with Mary about it, but again, she made no objections.
My question is ... Should I break it off with Kevin before it gets serious? Do I owe my friend this courtesy since I know she is upset about it? Or, do I continue what is a very nice, respectful, fun dating relationship with Kevin? I am happy with the way things are going with Kevin, and very unhappy with the dishonest response I am getting from my friend.
Some information that the LL crew might need:
- Mary is in a long term relationship that has been off and on for 3 years. She was on a "break" when she dated Kevin and then went back with the guy she is currently with.
- Mary has a tendency to use men. She likes to have a few on the back burner to call when things are off with her steady bf.
- Mary is a good friend. We call a few times a week and I usually see her at least once a week.
- Kevin has the potential to be a long term boyfriend. He is not a fling, and although I am taking things slow (I have not slept with him yet), I am becoming fond of him and I can see it developing into more.
- Mary and Kevin dated for 2 months, they did sleep together, but no "Love" words were exchanged.
– Trying to be a good friend, Boston
A: TTBAGF,
It's a little too late to undo your relationship with Kevin. If you dumped him now to please a friend who is in a committed relationship with someone else, you'd resent that friend. Your relationship with Mary would be at risk. All you can do is move ahead with Kevin and take Mary at her word. If she says she’s dealing with it, she probably is.
Many readers are going to tell you that it's never OK to date a friend’s ex. I’m mostly with those readers -- but not always. It’s never an easy choice, but you have to be a good friend to yourself sometimes. (And yes, I’m factoring age into the equation.)
Mary is in a relationship. She wants you to be happy. She has the right to feel weird about you and Kevin – it’s normal to feel strange when your friend dates a man who has seen you naked -- but I would hope that Mary’s love for you would trump that weirdness.
Tell Mary you adore her. Tell her you're going to assume that she has told you the truth about her feelings. And tell your other friend – the middleman – that all you can do is deal with Mary directly. Go-betweens are never very helpful. Maybe Mary was just using the go-between friend to vent. Maybe she just wanted to shout for a bit to get the weirdness out of her system. That would make sense.
I think you've already made a choice. All you can do now is to go out of your way to be respectful.
Readers? I know we all have strong feelings about putting friends first, but … it sounds like this reader thought she had permission. Is Mary being passive-aggressive? Is the go-between friend causing trouble for no reason? Is the letter writer in the wrong for pursuing this to begin with? Share.
– Meredith
Desperately seeking closure
Happy Friday.
Some of you are sending your “Twilight” contest entries through the regular Love Letters site instead of e-mailing me separately, which means I’m getting letters about vampires mixed in with the regular bunch. It’s sort of amusing, actually. But please, label all contest entries so we don’t wind up have a day’s worth of discussion about what it’s like to flirt with a werewolf.
Also, I’ve been informed by a lovely reader that we have a small group of participants in Australia. Quite exciting, yes? They apparently comment very late (or early?), so it might be worth checking the previous day’s comments to see if they weighed in. Australian readers – feel free to identify yourselves as down-under delegates. Nice to meet you.
This letter is supposed to be about closure, but I think it’s about something else.
Q: My boyfriend of three years and I broke up almost seven months ago and it's been really hard for me to get any closure.
We struggled through a long distance relationship for over a year and a half, which finally ended with him saying he couldn't do it anymore at one of the lowest points I had been at in my life (I had to move home because half of my family lost their jobs, and just realized I would have to put my dog to sleep, among other things).
Let me just mention throughout our relationship, I was the one with the job, paid for everything, tried to help him finish school, etc. He had no follow-through with anything, had no cell phone, no job for most of the time, and could never make any real decisions other than breaking up with me, which I am glad about because I know our relationship was going nowhere good and couldn't do it myself.
The thing that I am having the most difficulty with is that I have a feeling like he cheated on me or was having some sort of "thing" on the side with his one and only friend who happened to be a girl. He had denied it the day we broke up when I asked, but according a bunch of sources like Facebook and his family members, I have the impression that he basically now lives at her apartment.
I refuse to believe he is sleeping on the couch every day because she has one other roommate so I know he is not occupying the other room.
I feel like I need to know the truth about what happened in order to get closure and move on even though I know it will be extremely painful if I am right about the two of them. I have tried to contact him a couple of times, but he has been completely unresponsive. Even more strange -- when we broke up, I called up his friend to say goodbye because she and I had become good friends, but she completely ignored me as well.
I understand her allegiance to him as his friend, but I found this to be a really strange and immature response.
I can't shake this gut feeling I have, but feel as though there is no way to find out the truth. How do I get the answers I need so I can leave this bad relationship in the past for good? I don't want to resort to being the crazy ex-girlfriend and I feel like I have come way too far to backtrack like that, but don't know if I will truly be able to move on without knowing for sure what happened.
The general consensus of my friends is to leave it alone as to avoid opening an entirely new can of worms. I can't help but think they're probably right. But knowing myself, I feel like it's a possibility that will haunt me in the future and it won't just end by ignoring it. Please help.
– Need Closure, Massachusetts
A: NC, he’s dating her. And living with her. End of story.
I mean, I don’t know that for sure, but let’s pretend I do. Guts are often right. So believe yours, and then move on.
I don’t know why you think the truth will bring you closure. This guy is never going to answer all of your questions, and even if he does, you’ll always have more.
Assume the worst and start following the advice of your friends by letting go.
We talk a lot about imaginary concepts on this site – soul mates and the idea of “the one.” Part of me believes that closure is also somewhat of a myth. There’s no real, final closure. There’s only perspective, which comes with time.
Start changing your perspective on your own -- because a guy who gave so little during your relationship is not going to bring you peace now.
Readers? Will the truth set her free? Or am I right? Share.
– Meredith
He's a warlock with a law degree
Good morning.
I’m taking “Twilight” contest submissions through tomorrow at 5 p.m. The entries are great, so far. There’s an obvious frontrunner – a reader who wrote a fake letter from Bella paired with a fake response from me. And I have to say, the fake Meredith advice sounds like what I would say if a woman dating a vampire and a werewolf asked me for help. That’s the entry to beat, at the moment. Letters can be to or from Bella (or both, if you’re ambitious).
I’ve chosen this next letter because it’s one of a few letters I’ve received this week that mentions World of Warcraft. Apparently, World of Warcraft is ruining relationships everywhere. It makes me think of this funny thing I read in The Onion a few years ago.
Q: What do you do when your law-school-grad boyfriend of two years can't find a "real" job and you're sick of covering him for rent when he falls short; or paying the car insurance that we're supposed to be splitting; and paying for every social obligation, like the weddings we keep getting invited to, when we can't afford to contemplate our own?
I love him. He's wonderful, caring, selfless, and helpful. But when I met him, he was also an optimistic law student with an unrealistic sense of his earning potential. Now, he's looking at paying back $200 grand and thousands in credit card debt on a waiter's salary!? When we talk about his job search, he tells me I am nagging him. When I back off, I see no results. No interviews; no networking; no nothing. He plays World of Warcraft when I am not home. If that isn't all you need to know than just Google it.
I am certain that if he had a good-paying job, the problems would go away. So how can I get him there when I can't do it for him? I am starting to resent him, and I feel like I am enabling his avoidance of reality. Without me footing the cost of the rent and the car he'd have been forced to find a way to support himself by now.
Never in my wildest dreams did I think I'd break up with someone because they were broke. Money's not everything, right? But here he is with a shiny new JD that they can't make use of... What a waste of money and time and effort!
How can I save this relationship?
Thanks for taking to the time to read this submission. I hope you write back.
– Really Broke Attorney, Brighton
A: RBA, there are two issues here -- his job situation, which I'd like us to be sensitive about, and his budget situation, which I'd like us to be tough love about.
As for the job, the market is still quite bad, even for lawyers. Your boyfriend may have stopped his search because he can’t take any more rejection. It probably doesn’t help that many of his peers from law school are having a tough time, too.
World of Warcraft is an escape, a way to forget about real life (and the fact that you owe $200,000 for an education that hasn’t landed you a job). You're allowed to tell him that you're worried about him -- that his post-education retreat from the world has made you fear that he's spiraling into the abyss. An abyss with warlocks and elves and such. Tell him you're empathetic, but that you know you'd both be much happier if he continued the hunt for the work he loves.
Then you move on to point two -- the budget. He shouldn’t be living outside of his means, even with you around. This is a good time to test his ability to talk about finances. Sit down with him and come up with a budget that works based on his current salary. If you can't do it on your own, suggest going to a financial professional for help. You're only two years in. I'm not so sure you should be paying for his car insurance. Most other waiters pay for their own. If this is the job he has chosen to keep, he needs to make financial choices accordingly.
Perhaps after an honest discussion about money, he'll have a renewed interest in the job hunt ...
Readers? Thoughts? Is he taking advantage? Am I wrong to be concerned about this guy’s ego? Is the economy really that bad? Help here.
– Meredith
Bella Swan is a liner-upper
I really tried to avoid the “Twilight” thing. I grew up with Anne Rice and “The Lost Boys” and found Buffy in college, so I figured I was done with vampires -- especially young, hot ones.
But then … after eating a big plate of Indian food one snowy morning, I went to see the “Twilight” movie.
Maybe it was the saag, maybe it was the tikka masala, maybe it was the snow. Whatever it was, I fell in love with a vampire named Edward Cullen that day. I went straight to a bookstore so that I could learn more about the sparkly vampire who listens to Debussy, broods like nobody’s business, and is very opposed to pre-marital “biting.”
My love for this vampire doesn’t make much sense. He’s sort of a stalker who can be strangely possessive and prudish. I would advise anyone who wrote me a letter about him to dump him. But sometimes we can’t help who we love. Which is why I will be at a sneak preview of “The Twilight Saga: New Moon” next Wednesday with a big bag of Skittles in my lap and a content look on my face.
Would you like to join me?
I have two pairs of tickets to “New Moon” for Love Letters readers. The screening is next Wednesday night (the 18th). The movie doesn’t come out until the 20th.
Because the “Twilight” series is so popular -- and because you are such talented writers -- I’m asking for some creativity.
This movie is about Bella, a girl who gets dumped by her hot vampire boyfriend and winds up leading on (and lining up?) her werewolf best friend. Seems like she’s someone who could use some advice, yes?
Your task:
Write Bella a Love Letters-style letter of advice -- it can be to her or from her. The best two letters win the tickets. Points will be given to those who show intimate knowledge of the “Twilight” series and the Love Letters blog. I will pick the winners with the help of film critic Wesley Morris, who will be sitting next to me at the screening, probably rolling his eyes while I cry.
You have until Friday (13th) at 5 p.m. to enter. Submissions should be sent to me at meregoldstein at gmail dot com. I’ll announce winners Monday morning. Don’t enter unless you’re free to be in Boston for the screening.
Here’s some inspiration:
That photo was taken in Saugus, by the way.
I want to pet him.
- meredith
My job came between us
Good morning. We had some weird behavior in the comment section at the end of the day yesterday. I’m all for sparring, but please keep your comments respectful (and not creepy). If you don’t, I’m going to have to fly my mom back up here to yell at you.
Three bits of news:
1. There are only two more days to vote on the Love Letters theme song. So vote, please.
2. My dream has come true and the people who like to give us movie tickets have offered us two pairs of seats to the new “Twilight” movie. The preview screening is Wednesday, and yes, I will be there. I know some of you don’t care about teen vampires. You don’t have to. I care enough for all of you. I’ll be posting the terms of that ticket contest in a separate entry in an hour or so, so check the top of the blog for details.
3. We chat at 1 p.m. Don't forget.
Q: Dear Meredith,
I realize my situation is somewhat similar to a letter about divorce from last week, but I’m not looking for validation. I am really at odds and in need of a sounding board.
First off, I have been married for 10 years now and have two kids, who I truly love with all of my heart. I recently started my own business that consumes an enormous amount of my time leaving me little opportunity to be a father or much of a husband. My wife resents my job. She has told me as much, and I truthfully don’t hold that against her since she has essentially been raising our kids like a single mom. At the same time, if I were to walk away from my business, I know I would harbor some resentment as well for not being able to finish what I have started, a dream that I once thought would be best for my family. Now I feel like whatever choice I make will lead to failure on some level.
Lately I have been feeling more and more as if we have just grown apart. I thought maybe our kids would be the glue that would keep us together, but I just don’t feel much of a connection anymore. One of your readers not too long ago said that the opposite of love isn’t hate, that it’s indifference. That pretty much sums up how I have been feeling for a while now, since well before I started working for myself. My wife has asked me on a number of occasions how I feel or if I still love her or if she should plan to move on with her life. I guess in the past I wasn’t necessarily truthful because I hoped maybe something would change for the better. We have made efforts to try to improve our relationship but I feel like they have just gone in circles. It’s really hard, because I know she still loves me.
To complicate things further, I met someone a while back who I felt a connection with, on a purely platonic level. We don’t talk on the phone, email or text, but we have shared some great conversations and I feel like we have a lot in common. I think about her often and look forward to the times that our paths do cross; I get butterflies in my stomach, my heart races when we meet, and it pains me to see her unhappy. I haven’t expressed my emotions to her -- I don’t know if they are even reciprocated -- and won’t complicate anything further by bringing her into this before I make any decisions, but it has been an incredibly long time since I have felt anything like this that it took me by surprise to be able to feel so much life inside me again.
I have been faithful in every relationship I have ever had and have never before looked to “trade up.” I have too much respect for my wife for everything she has done for our kids and for me to ever consider cheating on her. I’m not looking to have an affair or for a reason to jump ship but is it selfish of me to want to experience that kind of happiness again?
I love my kids and will always be there for them regardless of what may or may not happen, but it worries me to think how they would be affected. I want to do what’s best -- but is staying for the kids the wrong reason? I worry about my wife, as well. I still care for her very much, but I can’t help but think she would be better off finding someone who can take better care of her. I have always put my family before me, but now I’m faced with the possibility of finding happiness again and I don’t know what to do. I cry by myself a lot and I feel like a terrible person. Please help.
– Gentleman Weeping At The Crossroads, Cambridge
A: GWATC, I’m shaking my head. And eating candy. Because this letter upsets me. And it makes me upset with you.
You’ve made a series of bad choices for your marriage -- one after another. I don’t object to your career aspirations. It’s possible to pursue and fulfill dreams even if you're somebody's husband. But you have to take turns. And no matter what you’re doing, you have to include your partner in the process. Your venture should have been a joint project, something you and your wife were building to improve life for your family. Your family is supposed to be a part of the excitement. But this has been about you and only you for some time. You admit that you’ve been absent, even with your kids. So let’s not pretend they’ve been your biggest concern.
In excluding your wife from your passion, you’ve forced her to become an office manager and nanny. That means she has become less and less like the woman you fell in love with and married. I’m not so sure that you should be making any decisions about how much you love her based on your present situation. You need to let her be herself again before you decide what you’re capable of feeling for her.
Here’s my tough love: you need to grow up and make some sacrifices. This new woman who gives you butterflies is an accessory to your selfishness. In some cases with Love Letters, I can empathize and almost endorse someone’s plans to leave their partner, even if they have kids. But this isn’t one of them.
You have to allow your wife be more than just your secretary and clean-up crew. If you give her the chance to live for herself instead of just managing your choices, you can better decide how you feel. I know you want a blank check to bail, but I will not give you that.
Marriage isn’t easy. That’s why people who get married get so many gifts. You haven’t fallen out of love with your wife. You made a choice to fall out of love with your marriage. You need to address that before you decide what’s best for anyone but yourself.
Readers? Go to it. Here.
– Meredith
He needs female attention
Craigslist strikes again ....
Q: Hi Meredith,
I read LL every day, so I'm sure you and your readers can help with this one...hopefully they won't be too brutal!
I have been dating my boyfriend for the past three years. The majority of our relationship has been spent an hour apart, with me in Boston and him out in the suburbs. Obviously this requires a great deal of trust, and with a few minor exceptions, we have had no problems.
Until now. He came into Boston last weekend and stayed in my apartment for a couple of days, which I was thrilled about. We had a great weekend, and I started this week in a fantastic mood. But yesterday morning, I signed into my Gmail account only to find his account still signed in. (COMPLETE accident, I don't know any of his passwords and would never, ever snoop.) Quite unfortunately, it was impossible not to notice the multiple emails he had from girls he met on Craigslist (pretty lame, right?). Though I did not open any of them, I noticed that they had attachments and included multiple conversations back and forth. While none of them seemed explicit from the preview line you can see in the Gmail inbox, it was obviously a huge slap in the face.
I confronted him about what happened, and made it very clear how the whole thing made me feel. He has told me that he doesn't know why he sent the e-mails, but he has never met up with any of these people, and would never, ever cheat on me. He has obviously been so beside himself that his sister -- not knowing what happened -- texted me to ask if I knew what was wrong.
I really do love this person, and though we have our disagreements, it is difficult for me to picture life without him. Am I am as big a fool as I think I am for wanting to believe that this was all just an attempt to feel wanted by other women? Should I believe him when he says he has never met any of these people, or should I be running fast in the other direction?
– Putting-On-My-Running-Shoes, Boston
A: POMRS, I do believe him -- but I’m still concerned.
It doesn’t matter that he never met up with these women. He still contacted them by e-mail and asked to see their, um, attachments.
I’d like you to assume that he’s telling you the truth and then evaluate how you feel. If he simply wants to chat with these women for sport – if he gets a high from this type of female attention – are you cool with that? Some women would be fine with it and might consider it to be … interactive pornography. But I think most people wouldn’t be comfortable with that kind of behavior at all.
Instead of accusing him and getting all Sherlock Holmesy about whether he has met up with these women, talk to him about why he needed the outside attention. See if you can get to the bottom of it so that you’ve silenced your concerns. It might be possible.
But if after talking to him you still don’t believe or understand, you’re allowed to lace up those running shoes. Not because he cheated, but because he’s e-mailing strange women. That's enough of a reason.
And for the record, I’d like to say that I’m shocked you didn’t open those e-mails. It must have been quite tempting.
Readers? Is he cheating? Does that even matter? Was this over as soon as she realized he had gone Cragslist crazy? Sharing is caring.
– Meredith
Do not bless this mess
Hi all. Thank you so much for the response to the John Krasinski contest on Friday. The letters were fantastic. My mom had a tough time picking three winners. She kept saying to me, “Can’t we get a few more tickets?” Sadly, we only had three pairs. The winners were: a man whose wife is very into John Krasinski, a woman who sent my mom a list of hideous men from her past, and someone who had author David Foster Wallace as a professor. I hope they had a good time.
Today’s letter is about dirty things.
Q: Hey Meredith! I've been reading your column for a while. Thought I would write in to see if you could give me some good advice as well!
To give you some background information, my boyfriend and I have been in love since I was 15 and he was 14. I am 24 now and he is 23. He grew up in New Jersey and we had an open kind of relationship. That was the best we could do being so far apart (I was living in Massachusetts).
When he decided to go to college, he moved here and got his own apartment (paid for by his family who has money). His apartment was about an hour from where I lived so I would frequently be there and stay over some nights. Once I graduated college we decided to exclusively date. That was a little over two years ago now. We ended up moving to the town I grew up in and he decided to go back to school. He already had two culinary degrees.
During his time at culinary school, he would take jobs part time to cook because he loves to. He did not have to pay bills because his family was supporting him so he could go to school and concentrate on that. Since we moved in together, he has not been able to find work and actually, he isn't even looking. This isn't the problem here. I don’t mind him being unemployed while he’s going to school as long as we're getting the bills paid, which we are. I digress.
Now here's the problem. He is a complete SLOB! And this is coming from a girl who is a bit messy herself -- but compared to my boyfriend, I am a clean freak! He leaves his clothes on the floor (as do I, but in our bedroom) in our bathroom, wherever he takes them off. My bathroom fills up with clothes by the end of the week there is no room. When he cooks (and you sure bet he does with those two culinary degrees and no job) he leaves his mess EVERYWHERE. If onions fall on the floor as he's slicing them, they stay there until I find them and end up cleaning them up. Empty boxes from food lay around the kitchen, pieces of food everywhere. Our stove USED to be white and now it’s black and cruddy from all the grease. Also, he won't change the trash bag when it gets full. He just stacks the garbage until it can't hold anymore.
In the living room, he will move around furniture or his guitars and amps. His video games and controllers are spread around everywhere. We eat dinner on the couch in the living room because we have used up the space on the table in the kitchen with other stuff. He will bring in condiment after condiment and leave them on the coffee table. I ask him to put them away and he insists he will just not right at that moment. If he spills something, sometimes he doesn’t clean it up until days later or until I clean it up. If he knocks something over or drops something - he doesn't pick it up. Sometimes, he just throws things on the floor or table. I really don't even think he notices that he does this! I really don't think he realizes just how messy he is. Yes, I've tried telling him but to no avail.
The point is, is that I ask him to clean up after himself all the time and it doesn't get done. I work all day (wake up at 5:30am and I’m not home until 6pm) and when I get home I do not want to be picking up after him. He has school during the days but has plenty of time to pick up around the house or take the trash out. Not much to ask, I don't think. I know it sounds like a petty problem but day after day of living in mess and watching him not help out really gets to me. I usually spend my weekends cleaning. I won't even allow friends over or our parents in the apartment because it is such a disgrace. Once I finally get the place clean, a couple days later he has messed it up again.
Wow, I digress again. My question is, How do I get him to stop being so darn messy -- and if he's going to be messy how do I get him to at least help out with the cleaning.
I know people will question our love for each other and all that stuff but that is not a problem. I know he loves me with all his heart and so do I. I'm going crazy with this MESS and sometimes I do begin to question whether he loves me. If he loves me, shouldn't he care that I get stressed out and want to have a clean house? Shouldn't he want to help me? I'm not a demanding girlfriend. I let him do what he wants. Maybe that’s the problem.
Anyway, please offer some advice on how to keep my boyfriend and apartment in ORDER!
– In Love with a Slob, Framingham
A: ILWAS, this is actually a big problem. It’s about respect. It’s about your ability to cohabitate with the man you love.
I have to wonder whether he’d do this to a roommate – whether he’s taking liberties because he’s living with a significant other as opposed to a friend.
My advice is to sit down with him and tell him that you want to hire a cheap cleaning service, even if it’s just for a once-a-month visit. I’m all for admitting when something isn’t going to get done. If he can’t commit to scrubbing the floor and the stove -- and you don’t want to have to keep doing it on your own -- hire someone. I know you’re both young and probably a little broke, but your sanity is worth that much. Split the cost. If someone comes in and scrubs like crazy once a month, it should be easier to pick up the little stuff. Tell your boyfriend the service will keep you in a better mood.
You must explain that in addition to the cleaning service, you need his help. This is your one demand, and deep down, he knows it’s legit. Who leaves onions on the floor? He needs to do the basics. He needs to keep the place livable.
This is the kind of problem that can explode later. If you grow increasingly resentful, you're going to start getting angry about other, unrelated things. Cleaning – like finances – is serious in the context of a partnership. Don’t laugh it off.
You brought up his background a few times in your letter. He’s used to getting help, used to getting things paid for. Now is the time to let him know that you’re not his caretaker and you’re not his parent. You have a problem and you’re not going to fix it (or pay to fix it) alone.
If he can’t agree to help, start doing what you’d do to a roommate who was this disrespectful. You've known him for a long time, but the living situation is relatively new. Now is the time to make your expectations clear.
Everyone? Is there a way she can get through to him? Am I wrong about the cleaning service? Can she clean up this mess? Share thoughts here.
– Meredith
Is he a hideous man?
I hope you’re reading this early … For those of you who didn’t see the comment I posted yesterday afternoon, here's some news:
John Krasinski (Jim on “The Office”) is coming to my office (The Boston Globe) to do a Boston.com chat today (Friday). He’ll be chatting online at noon about his directorial debut -- “Brief Interviews with Hideous Men” -- which he plans to screen tonight in Cambridge at about 9:30 p.m.
This is relevant to us because Mr. Krasinski has given me three pairs of tickets to tonight’s screening. He would like them to go to Love Letters readers because we are awesome and know all about hideous men.
If you want a pair of tickets to the screening, e-mail me (meregoldstein at gmail dot com) a paragraph about why you need/deserve them. My mom is in town for the weekend and will have nothing to do while I finish my work this morning, so I’ve asked her to read the paragraphs and pick three winners. The winners will get the pairs of tickets – and a copy of the “Brief Interviews” book on which the movie is based.
Paragraphs are due by 11 a.m. Please give my mom something good to read. You can find a trailer of the movie here. I’ll notify winners by 1 p.m.-ish. Don’t enter unless you can make a 9:30 p.m.-ish screening in Cambridge tonight. And if you go, be nice to Mr. Krasinski. He’s from Newton.
Now for today’s letter, which is sort of a letter and an update rolled into one …
Q: Dear Meredith, and LL readers,
I wrote in a few months ago as Sparkless. I had been in a relationship with someone for whom I wasn't feeling any passion. I subsequently ended the relationship, and have no regrets.
I'm writing this time around to ask advice about someone who has been pursuing me hard on and off for over a year and a half. We had been involved for almost three years starting in 2002. Talk about sparks! There were explosions! He had two children and was going through a messy divorce at the time; I had a miscarriage, and my mother committed suicide, so we had a lot on our respective plates. The relationship ended because I wasn't getting what I needed, which was someone reliable and consistent with what he could give me during a time when I needed more support than I have ever needed.
Flash forward to 2008/2009. This man has been seeing someone monogamously since we separated, but every time we are in touch, he makes it very clear that he still wants to be with me, and believes that if circumstances while we were involved had been different, we would still be together.
To be honest, I don't know how I feel. I don't like being pursued by someone who is involved with someone else. That feels disrespectful both to me and to her, and I feel like I need to take a shower. He has expressed a certain level of dissatisfaction with the way things are with her, and says that he doesn't see that relationship panning out over the long-term. He wants to spend more time with me, and I've made it clear I can only offer him friendship at this point, given his relationship status.
Am I right to sense that he is simply trying to "line me up" in order to end the relationship with the woman he's with now? Is there any reason I should take this man's advances seriously? I really don't want to waste my time and am actually quite happy being unattached right now. It's lovely making decisions only for myself, without having to take another person's needs into account, and I feel like my life is transforming.
Any thoughts are most appreciated!
– Playing with Fire?
A: PWF, speaking of hideous men … yes … he sounds like quite the liner-upper.
Sometimes we meet people who are already in a relationship and dream about what it would be like to date them. In this case, you have the benefit of knowing what this guy is like as a real partner. He stunk at it when you needed him most. So there’s your answer.
This has been about him from the beginning. He wasn’t great to you back then. And now he’s reaching out to you because he’s bored and unhappy. He hasn’t shown that his renewed interest in you is about you. Again, it’s all about him.
Your gut is right. Your gut wants to take a shower. It’s possible to have sparks with someone who doesn’t betray a girlfriend by lining up an ex. To me, that kind of guy is pretty sparkless, in general.
He just hasn’t done the work to be taken seriously.
Readers? Is this a hideous man? Should Sparkless-turned-Playing-With-Fire even consider a friendship with this guy? Am I being too hard on him? Share thoughts here. Get those paragraphs into me by 11 a.m. We’ll get back to winners by 1 p.m.-ish.
– Meredith
When does the honeymoon end?
This one goes out to all of the folks who ask for happy letters.
Q: Hi Mere,
The question here would be: how soon is too soon?
I am 27 years old and have been dating my girlfriend for 18 months. She is the one!! She is smart, funny, beautiful … and I could go on and on. We have the same interests and the goals in life. She is my lover and by best friend. Since our one year anniversary I have been thinking more and more about proposing.
At the moment there are two main reasons we are not engaged:
1. I am waiting for the honeymoon to be over. We have not had any fights, only little arguments that have always been resolved quickly, and even those are rare. I know this period of bliss can’t last for ever and I want to see what the relationship is like once it’s over.
2. I once asked her how long she would expect to date someone before becoming engaged and she said three years. Since she thought three years was a reasonable time, I was willing to wait. I am in no rush.
The issue is that over the last month both of my reasons have disappeared. Last weekend was her birthday and I had planed a “special surprise.” She had mentioned there was a show in town she wanted to see. I bought tickets then took her out to a nice dinner and the show. Early the next morning, her two best friends called, they wanted to know if she was engaged. I was a little confused since she had said that she would expect to date for longer. It turns out she said three years so as not to rush me, but she made it clear that she is ready when I am ready.
Reason #1 disappeared when I was talking to my father; he said that waiting for the honeymoon to be over is a terrible idea. He said if had waited for the honeymoon to be over before marrying my mother they would still be dating. He also mentioned that he was married to my mother for about five years before they had a serious argument. He was not telling me to propose -- he just let it be known that waiting for the honeymoon to be over was a bad idea and it could take much longer than I expected.
If I know that she is the one is it dumb to wait just for the sake of waiting? My new plan is to buy the ring in the next six months and propose soon after.
– Waiting without reason in Brighton MA
A: WWRIB, the honeymoon phase is sort of a made up thing. I mean, there’s a weird blissful phase in most new relationships -- but there’s no way to tell when it will end. Your dad’s right – if you’re waiting to find out what your relationship will be like once you get sick of your girlfriend, you could be waiting a long time.
If you want to marry her, and she wants to marry you, and you’re both just afraid to upset each other with a proposal … well, yeah, it seems silly to put this off.
For your parents, it took five years. Some couples fight twice a day because that’s the way they communicate. Some couples don’t have problems until after they have children. Some couples are smitten from start to finish. Who knows how your relationship will work out?
No one can predict how love will feel in the future. When people commit (marriage or otherwise), all they’re really doing is pledging to take a journey with someone. They’re not supposed to know how they’ll feel in five years – they’re just promising to experience those feelings with a partner.
I don’t know what your background is – whether there’s a reason you want to be married sooner than later. And I do worry about anyone who says “She’s the one!!” with such innocence. But I think you should do what you want. If you’re waiting for absolute answers first, I’m here to tell you that you’re not going to get them.
But as my readers will tell you, I file single on my taxes. Married readers – when does the honeymoon end? How long should people wait before they make this commitment? Do you really know a person after 18 months? Thoughts? Share.
– Meredith
Is he living a secret life?
I’m going to admit that I dig the letters that start by buttering me up. Remember to chat at 1 p.m.
Q: Meredith – help! I am a long time reader of your column (think you’re great) but have never written to you before. Something happened this past weekend though with my boyfriend that I am still processing, and when I got to work today it clicked – I should get Meredith’s take on all this.
Some background: My boyfriend and I have dated on and off for the past five, going on six years. Our relationship started towards the end of high school, got rocky and on-and-off in college, and has recently (the last six months or so) been very much on. It is a long distance relationship – we live two hours apart. We frequently visit though, and things have been great lately. I have always felt that we have had good communication and been open and honest in our relationship.
This past weekend, while I was visiting him, I used his computer to check a blog I read that starts with the letters Ga – when I typed in Ga, a popular gay social networking site came up as a prompt -- meaning it was in his history. I was shocked. It’s not as though I haven’t before suspected that he might be curious about such things, but it felt like proof right there in front of me. In short, I freaked out.
When he came back into the room, I asked him to type what I had typed and he did so very willing. He was shocked to see this website. (For the record, it’s a social/lifestyle website, one I’m familiar with because I have a plethora of gay friends, and it was not one of the more raunchy gay networking sites.) He said he had never been to the site, didn’t know why it was there, yadda, yadda.
He said someone else must have been using his computer. He said he was incredibly hurt that I didn’t believe him. I wanted to believe him but I also knew if I were in his position at that moment, I would have said exactly all of the things he had said. I suddenly felt as if this person I care about so deeply had been having a secret other life. I felt betrayed, hurt, confused and insisted on sleeping on the floor that night.
The next day, I looked a little deeper into the history (I’m not a snoop – I swear, but wanted to fully understand). I found that nothing had been deleted from his history in the past three weeks and the gay website had only shown up once – three weeks prior when my gay best friend had been hanging out with us/using the computer. There were sexual things in the history, as I’d expect with most men in their early 20s, but all of a very straight nature.
I told him about this and he said “I told you so, do you believe me now? I know nothing about that site.” Now on the one hand, I do believe him. If he were visiting gay sites, I would imagine there would be more than this one and they would have shown up more frequently in his history than once three weeks ago. Also, the fact that there were sexual things of a straight nature in the past weeks makes me feel that it’s unlikely it was him after all. Although I also realize that this is what I WANT to believe.
So what do you think? I want to believe him, and for the most part I do, although the whole thing has planted a seed of doubt in the back of my brain that continues to nag. I love him unconditionally and I begged him to just be honest with me – if he’s curious, it’s not a problem with me, as I’ve expressed to him my past curiosity about women and he’s been accepting of that. I know it’s different with bisexual or curious men in terms of stigma, etc. But that’s not the part that bothers me – the part that bothers me would be the secrecy and trust issue if this were in fact true. Any insight would be greatly appreciated.
– Confused About His Potential Confusion
A: I’m confused about your confusion about his potential confusion, CAHPC.
You say that if your boyfriend told you he had an interest in men, you would understand. (if he’s curious, it’s not a problem with me)
You would, however, be upset if he was keeping his interest a secret.
My gut (which knows less than your gut because I’m not there) tells me that he’s telling you the truth about the website. The gay site came up once … it was timed to your friend’s visit … yadda, yadda, as you would say.
It seems to me that if you're telling the truth about how you feel, all you need to say to your boyfriend is – “Hey, if you’re ever interested in those sites – or men in general – don’t be afraid to tell me.” Explain (calmly) that you weren’t accusing him because you judge his varied interests – you were just concerned about the secrecy.
Let him know that to you, cheating is cheating, no matter the gender. Despite your curiosity in women, you wouldn’t lead a secret life. You’d tell him so he could make decisions accordingly.
Maybe apologize for freaking out. Then leave the issue alone. What else is there to say?
I’d also take a moment to make sure you’ve defined your confusion appropriately. Is this really just about the secrecy? Don’t be afraid to be honest with yourself about your real fears and insecurities. If the idea of your boyfriend looking at gay websites freaks you out a little, that’s normal. You’re human. You don’t have to try to stop your head from spinning.
I guess I’m not totally convinced that this is just about secrecy. But this is a democracy.
Readers? Is secrecy the issue here? Do you believe her boyfriend’s story? What’s going on with all of this confusion?
– Meredith
How much should I share?
Don't hate the player, hate the game. Or something like that.
Q: When does an on-a-need-to-know-basis situation become a too-much-information situation?
So I just started exclusively dating this girl who I think is perfect for me. We have been seeing each other on and off for about a year and just last month mutually decided to make it exclusive.
Part of the reason that it took so long for me to decide is that I was dating several people over the past year and was not ready to commit. I was a single guy in my mid 30s and was playing around without serious intentions. During my playing around days, I accumulated several friends that were simply party friends and were nothing more (no possibility of a long-term relationship).
Several important virtues that I think are critical to a successful relationship are honesty, transparency, and communication. With that in mind, I am stuck in a situation that I don’t quite know how to handle. Once I started to date my girlfriend, I severed all ties to the party girls and told them that I was now in a committed relationship and that I could not and would not want to party with them any longer. But over the past month I have been contacted by several party girls who were checking in on how my relationship was coming along and wanted to see if we could get together.
Initially I thought that it was fair to explain this to my GF in the hopes that she would understand -- and that if by some chance she came across these texts or e-mails, she would not misinterpret them. But as time went on, these emails became a bit more frequent and much more inappropriate.
My initial course of action was to completely ignore the communications with the hopes that they would just stop. That turned out to be not the case. While I think my GF handled the initial conversation very well and appreciated my honesty, I think that this might take a toll on her in the long run (as I got a fairly graphic and detailed text that I shared with her a few days ago). I do not want to lie to her, but I think it would not be prudent for me to keep sharing these messages with her.
– AG, Boston
A: Party friends, eh? Sounds like you were having quite the celebration. I have to wonder how many party friends you had, AG.
Your gut is right -- you do not have to share the content of these texts with your girlfriend. The last thing she needs is to see a bunch of racy messages from your past flings. I’m all for honesty and sharing, but you don’t want to be cruel.
Just tell her, in one blanket statement, that if and when you get contacted by these women from your past, you’ll make it clear that you’re no longer available. Then do that. As you get these texts, write back to these women that their messages are no longer welcome or appropriate. Eventually, they’ll go away.
And really, if it’s not too much trouble, just change your cell number and get a new e-mail account. Your real friends and family will learn your new contact information. Your old “party friends” probably don’t need to. Changing your number would show some real commitment, wouldn’t it?
Your girlfriend has been in your life for a year. She obviously knows that you had an active social life before the two of you became exclusive. Maybe you can tell her your concerns about honesty vs. cruelty. Maybe you can set some disclosure boundaries together.
Readers? Would you want to know if your significant other’s old “party friends” were making contact? Is this letter evidence that people with "party friends" can commit? Is 100 percent transparency a good thing? Please share thoughts with AG here.
– Meredith
Seeking divorce validation
Good morning. Shall we?
Q: I am on the brink of divorce and have a few important questions I’m pondering before making the jump.
I’ve been married for 15 years with two healthy, resilient and beautiful children. We both work full time. My wife recently turned 40, and went through a bit of a mid-life crisis. Symptoms included going out with her friends a lot more than usual and sometimes drinking. The two things that hurt the most about this was 1) I felt for the first time she was going out to “escape” from me, and not just the pressures of parenting, and 2) Her drinking had me concerned about her safety, the well-being of the kids, and that she was generally becoming someone I didn’t like anymore. I was madly in love with her before this phase in her life.
I confronted her with my concerns. I told her I felt we were growing apart, and that I’ve never really been satisfied with the intimacy between us. Throughout our marriage, I was always the one to initiate sex. I can’t actually recall a time where she ever initiated. I finally told her how disappointing it was to not have her be as “into it” as me.
That’s when the bombshell came crashing down. She told me “there’s just no spark. I’ve always hoped it would come, but it never really did”. She went on to add that “85 percent of our relationship has been fantastic, but that 15 percent was never right. I didn’t want to screw up the 85 percent that was so good”. I can attest to this. We do get along famously, and love each other deeply (I guess platonically??). So I guess we have the classic “I love you, but I’m not in love with you” scenario. The big problem is: She NEVER had the spark for me. And the big question is: How do you get back what was NEVER there in the fist place?
We both decided we don’t want to continue living this way and that intimacy should be more natural. In our conversations, she told me “If I had to go out and find a guy to be with today, it would be somebody completely different from you”. (Ouch!) At the same time, I admitted the same thing to her, but I used the phrase “slightly different.”
The bombshell happened this summer (and what a painful, cold and rainy summer it was). We’ve since been through plenty of therapy, and with it I really feel I’ve turned a corner, and I’m ready to at least face any new reality that might unfold between us. Through therapy, we’ve discovered that our history played a big role in shaping the dynamic between us. Here are the highlights:
-- We were married very young. We saw each other on & off for a bit in high school, dated seriously in college.
-- I had probably no experience being in a serious relationship before her. She was the only girl I’ve said “I love you” too, and the only girl I’ve ever slept with.
-- Her reasons for choosing to marry me: She had very negative male role models growing up. Her father and stepfather were emotionally distant and unavailable, which caused her to be self-reliant emotionally: she never allowed herself to be vulnerable with a man. I was the “nice” guy, who would never treat her bad, play mind games, and always be available and supportive, etc.
-- She was in a verbally and emotionally abusive relationship before dating me seriously in college. That was the catalyst for her coming back to me.
-- With so little experience, I never learned the fine art of pursuing a woman, or having “boyfriend skills.” I had to learn all this stuff as I went along in the relationship.
-- Things have always been very “comfortable” between us, and I always sort of thought “This is great. We don’t have to do that ‘game-playing’ stuff. We can just be good friends and things will be fine.”
-- We both feel that divorce seems like the best option at this point. You can’t turn on attraction to somebody like a switch, and the history between us is so profound that I think it’s going to be nearly impossible for my wife to essentially “reprogram” herself to become attracted to me. I also think that if we spend the next few years beating our heads against the wall, it may only improve the day-to-day dynamic between us (which is already fantastic), and not really get at “the core” of her attraction for me. Another strong pull is the fact that I’ve never had a “20’s”. That is, I never dated around, lived on my own, experienced heartbreak (until now), etc. We’re both empirically attractive people, are young enough to find new partners, and there is a strong curiosity in both us of to see who else is out there for us (Weird, but we’re such good friends we actually talk about this stuff with each other!)
So, should we start couples therapy and confirm what we already know, or should we wish each other well, and support each others’ future endeavors? I am in the latter camp, and wanted to know what you and your readers think.
Final note: We are thinking about our kids’ well-being in this as well. Please don’t think we’ve only been thinking about ourselves. Our friendship is very strong (even through the pain & anger), and if it happens, we’re planning on mediating the divorce and doing everything within our power to ensure that everybody’s well-being is taken care of. We have both vowed to only speak highly of each other if we do split.
– World Most Amicable Divorce?
A: WMAD, it sounds like you want me to endorse your divorce … or give you my blessing … or something like that.
I can’t really do that. It’s not my thing.
But I can tell you that yes, you seem like you’re being honest and responsible. Your reasons seem valid. You’ve done the work. You’ve considered your children.
My concern about your letter is that it has a weird, everything-is-OK-I-swear vibe. It’s very possible that you’ll get through this process without any major problems. But consider that even the best divorces are exhausting and uncomfortable. I’m here to tell you that it’s fine if you feel a bit crazy. It's fine if everything isn't fine.
You’re letter seeks approval for something that no one can approve but you and your wife. As you go through this process, don’t feel as though you need to justify this decision over and over. You’ve come up with a long here’s-why-it’s-OK-that-I’m-doing-this list. I hope that list is for you and your family – and no one else.
As for whether you and your wife should try couples therapy at this point, well, that’s up to you – but I’m going to say that it's not necessary. It sounds like the decision to get divorced has already been made and that you’re both doing fine with therapy on your own. You may want to consider some joint sessions with your wife as you make decisions about your kids. But don’t feel as though you have to go to therapy so that you can say you did everything you could to save the marriage. No one's judging if you don't take that step because you already know what you're going to do. And if they are judging you, ignore them. This is your life.
But my readers might disagree.
Everyone? Is he required to go to couples therapy with his wife before making the decision to get divorced? It sounds like there are some pretty great things about this marriage. Is her lack of interest related to her mid-life issues? What's holding him back? Our permission? Talk to him here.
– Meredith
Should he be my friend?
Some practical announcements.
1. If you’ve been having trouble seeing the comments, try opening the site in Firefox. Seems to work better.
2. The song contest continues for another week. Spread the last-minute word to all of your musician friends.
3. I’ve received a strange number of letters lately. I don’t know what’s going on out there, but I’m getting twice as many letters as usual. I’ll get to them as soon as I can. I may e-mail letter writers for updates to make sure the letters are current when I post them.
OK. Here we go:
Q: Howdy. Here's the age old question: can men and women really be just friends?
I'm the woman, and I'm having a problem trying to be the friend. I'm 29 years old with a great professional career, and I'm pretty decent looking to boot. I was recently dating a man, also 29, for about 5 months who I really enjoyed being with. I knew from the start that he was a little immature for his age but that's what made him so much fun for me.
I'm a big kid as well, and being with someone who I could be absolutely silly with was great. I dare say I was even starting to have some feelings for him. Out of nowhere one day, he informed me he wanted to break up. He told me that he just didn't feel the same way about me as I did about him but that I am really great and he wants to be friends. Trying to be the ever-fabulous modern woman, I agreed. I really did like his friendship most of all. I'll admit he is gorgeous – really, really gorgeous -- and that makes it a little difficult (why is it so hard to give up the hotties?!), but things in the bedroom were lackluster. Looks are great, but we all know they only take you so far. I only started to enjoy the sex when I realized that I enjoyed actually talking to him and spending time with him.
The problem is my ego and heart. This break-up has had a lot more impact on my ego than any other break-up I've ever had. I'm actually very stunned because it was only four months and I didn't even think I was as emotional over this man as I seem to be now. I've had plenty of break-ups and two major relationships that lasted for years that didn't make me this sad and insecure. It all just seemed so abrupt to me. One minute we were kissing and cuddling and the next he told me he didn't want to date me anymore. We talked about the break-up and he told me he just wasn't feeling a spark with me but he really valued my friendship.
The things that I really started to like about this man were his personality and our conversations and the ease with which we were perfectly honest each other. In 29 years, I've never had that with anyone else. I'd really like to try to have a friendship with him because I really value these qualities but I don't know how to heal a broken heart like this. I feel blindsided and now I feel insecure about everything from my looks to my personality. I've never beat myself up like this but I just can't stop wondering what qualities about me made him "not feel it".
My gut tells me that it was nothing more than his bit of immaturity and the fact that the chase was over and he knew he had me so he lost interest. I'm trying to be his friend, not best friend, just casual e-mails and general updates about our lives. It's two months later and I have started dating other men and have had some absolutely goofball dates that I would love to share with him because I know he would find the situations funny, but I'm even afraid to do that because I know he's a little immature and I don't want him to take it as me parading new men in front of him to make him jealous. I know he's not jealous, he doesn't feel that way about me. I just don't know how to keep that open and fun friendship we had while dating when I'm so hurt that I'm second-guessing everything I do and afraid any contact with him will be misconstrued as a plea for his attention. How do I keep a friend and lose a lover without completely picking myself apart in the process? Is that even possible?
– Blue Blue Jean, Framingham
A: BBJ, here are some reasons this break-up has rocked your world:
1. You didn’t see it coming.
2. You weren’t allowed any input. He made the decision for both of you.
3. You’re 29, which is young, but I’ve always had a theory that any age with a nine attached to it comes with baggage. Nines make us think about things.
4. You’re comparing this relationship, which you had in your late 20s, to long-term relationships you had when you were in your early 20s. You’re capable of much more intimacy now.
5. He is, apparently, very, very hot. It’s sad to lose anything that is very, very hot.
6. A super-hot person told you that he didn’t feel a spark with you. That is an ego blow, for sure.
I know lists are usually five or 10 items long, but I’ve only got six. Sorry.
Being his friend doesn’t make you a modern woman. It makes you a masochist. If you want to tell someone a funny story about a bad date, tell a real friend. Cut him off. Give yourself space. It’s going to hurt, but it’s a process. This is your first terrible, mind-altering break-up. Now you know why people write such sad songs. They’re not kidding.
Break-up misery – especially the kind that comes after a short-term relationship – is often about loneliness as opposed to a specific loss. It’s about needs that aren’t met. I think that for whatever reason, you decided during this relationship that you wanted a real partner – an adult relationship with no expiration date. The emptiness you’re feeling is about admitting that need and then getting ditched. Now you’re stuck with the need.
Also, you mentioned that you haven’t met anyone like this guy in your 29 years. Let’s drop the first 20 of those years because you were a kid, and the first five years of your 20s because it doesn’t sound like you were looking for anything serious. That means you haven’t met anyone like him in four years. That’s not such a big deal, right? Let this guy serve as evidence that you’d be open to a serious relationship. That’s all he is – evidence of your wants.
Don’t expect a quick fix. Just keep plugging along with the dating. Call your real friends and keep yourself busy. And to answer your first question, men and women can be friends – but you and this guy aren’t.
Readers? Why is this break-up hurting her so much? What can she do? Should she keep him around as a friend? Share here.
– Meredith
Will he come around?
The trouble with online friending ...
Q: Dear Meredith,
I am a 29-year-old single woman looking for a life partner. I joined eHarmony a year ago and have been dating people from the site since that time. I had a four-month relationship with a man I met on the site in November. This relationship went quickly -- we were sleeping together after the first month. But it also ended quickly. When it did not work out, I returned to the site and in June, I met a man online who I really like and have gotten to know very well over the past four months in a friendship capacity. We hang out three or four times a week, have dinner together at restaurants, go to museums and movies, and talk about everything (family, relationships, work stuff, etc.) I have always had hope that this would turn into an intimate relationship, especially given the context of our meeting. I have talked to him about my feelings, but he told me that he doesn’t feel strong enough in himself to enter into an intimate relationship right now but would like to remain friends with me. He feels that we have a positive relationship and does not want to complicate this with sex.
Okay, I’ve read “He’s Just Not That Into You” many times over and yes, it’s helpful. I’m sure the author would tell me, “He’s just not that into you if he doesn’t want to have sex with you.” But is there another possibility? Can men and women develop relationships over a longer period of time? Does he have to be sleeping with me to be interested in building a solid relationship?
I can’t deny that I am tempted to move on in my search. I even got back on eHarmony and began looking for different men to date, however I was not excited about the prospects. I feel drawn to this man and would like to continue getting to know him to see where it goes. Do you think I’m wasting my time?
– Lost in Boston
A: LIB, you feel drawn to this man because you’ve spent months getting to know him. You’re close to him. It sounds like you have a great friendship. If only that were enough.
For whatever reason, this guy doesn’t want to be an all-the-way boyfriend. I’m all for unique relationships, but this one isn’t good for you. You’re trying to figure out how to win him over. That’s exhausting. And the physical rejection can’t be doing wonders for your self-esteem.
It also doesn’t help that you see him so frequently. You went on that site to meet a life partner. What you wound up with is guy who sees you three to four times a week – but as a pal. How can you make room for a real boyfriend if this guy is taking up all of the space?
This guy is into you, it seems. Just as a friend – a confusing friend.
I’m not going to tell you to cut him out of your life. But stay online – and look for other options. You’ve found yourself a fake boyfriend. Fake boyfriends can be great, but you want a real one.
Assume this guy’s feelings won’t change and make decisions accordingly.
Readers? What’s happening here? Will he change his mind? How did she wind up in a friendship on eHarmony? Should she cut him out? Share here.
– Meredith
Do men ever grow up?
Peter Pan or Ray Romano?
Q: Hi Mere,
Nice to finally be writing in after reading this column for so long now! Also, looked at that Spanish hotel that you mentioned…packing my bags!
Well here it goes …
I just turned 25 and I want a man!!! I’ve already got a boyfriend, but I want a man.
Here’s the deal… My boyfriend (32) and I have been going out for about a year and we are living together (2 mos. now, mutual idea), however, I think that he acts very childishly.
Just to give you an idea, here are a few examples. He jokes about everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, even when it’s not appropriate to do so. In fact, he once told me that he will never let an opportunity for a joke pass him by (which, btw, he doesn’t). This becomes a problem when I need to talk about serious things with him and he responds back with jokes. I am not getting the emotional support that I need from him.
On top of that, he always wants to hang out with his friends, which I am rarely invited in on because it’s “guy time.” Although, I’ve seen the way they act when they all get together and I don’t feel slighted in the least! But they all go to the same gym Monday thru Wednesday (7-10pm) and then almost every weekend (Thursday thru Saturday) they drink beer and hang out at bars/clubs. And let’s not forget that Sunday is football ALL day. So if you look at the timeline … I get my bf to myself m-w from 6-7 and 10-12, Saturday mornings (usually when I have to run my errands), and then on Sunday, but I have to suffer through football. However, I will be honest and say that if I gripe a bit he’ll usually cave in and spend some real quality time with me.
I noticed this behavior before, but it wasn’t so bothersome because we weren’t living together. However, as anyone who lives with their lover can tell you, everything is exaggerated within the close living quarters. It’s not like I’m looking to get married anytime soon, but I am ambitious and I have goals that I would like to reach, some major ones before 30, and I would like a guy who’s on the same page. Not one who is 32 and still trying to relive his college partying days.
Now I don’t want to be mistaken for a prude, because I can let loose and joke around with the best of them. But I’ve already done the high school and college thing and my 20s are nearly over (not that I’m depressed about that … although ask me again when I’m 30!) and I want to (although don’t feel any pressure to) start acting older and more mature.
What’s most frustrating for me is the fact that he’s way older than I am (7 yrs), and because of that, I feel like he should be at the mature stage already, yet he’s not. We've talked about this and he says that this has been -- and will continue to be -- his personality. He probably won’t change (some of it has to do with the fact that he looks so young in the face that he feels like he can still get away with acting young), so I have no misconceptions about how long our relationship will last.
However, this LL is about men in general and not my bf in particular. Because while I know that he and I will probably not make it down “Life Street” hand-in-hand, when we finally do move on (I assume when the lease is over), I want to know if what’s in store for me is an even older version of the same nonsense.
My questions are: do men ever GROW UP? Do men always remain boys and act like Ray Romano? Because if so, I’d rather be single forever then have to deal with a man who acts like a child -- i.e. Jon Gosselin.
– 32 going on 21, Allston
A: 32GO21, Ray Romano? Really?
I want that to be the first and last time we mention Ray Romano on Love Letters.
But I do like “Life Street.” I imagine Life Street as the opposite of Splittsville. As in, “He wanted to travel with me down Life Street, but we were already in Splittsville.”
Life Street also makes me think of “21 Jump Street.”
But about your letter … you’re well aware that you’re dating a guy in his 30s who spends a strange amount of time at the gym. But you’re already planning to break up with him, so we don’t have to deal with that issue. (Although -- do you have to wait until the lease is up? It seems weird to live with someone for months and months when you already know it’s over).
You’re asking me if men grow up. Sure they do. So do women. But don’t confuse interests with maturity. If you want a man who shares your interests – someone who is less interested in beer and the gym – that’s what you should be looking for. Your guy knows who he is and what he’s capable of. He has been clear about it. That actually takes some maturity.
My point is -- just because someone is out until 2 a.m. every night doesn’t make them immature. Likewise, a guy who behaves like a grown-up isn’t necessarily a grown-up on the inside.
You’re a good example of that. You like to do grown-up things -- but you also know that you still have a lot of growing up to do.
Look for someone who shares your interests. That seems to be the issue here.
Readers? Is she ready for Life Street? Is this about maturity? Do men grow up? Is this even a gender issue? Share thoughts here.
– Meredith
She has cancer and I want out
This letter is similar to a few others we’ve seen. Someone gets sick, someone wants to leave.
The letter writer was nice enough to write a headline for me. Although, I hate it when people don't tell me where they live ...
Q: This is a tough one to write. But the headline, if you will, is "she has cancer and I want out."
Both she and I came out of long-term relationships last winter. We met over the summer and hit it off. We did a few weekend trips, had some nights out with friends, and had plenty of alone time together, and the sex was great.
This went on for about the first six to eight weeks -- then I started to feel that maybe she wasn't the one for me. When I say “the one," I should say I am 33 and she is 31. We are both looking for a future. We never really talked about it in detail, but from the things that we have said, it was clear we were sort of both past dating different people each month.
As I said, after about eight weeks I started thinking she wasn't even in the same ballpark of a person I would consider marrying. She is very nice, treats me well and is very attractive, but she just didn't have "it" -- that thing that is indiscernible that would make me know without a doubt she was the one.
For her side, I don't think I am the one either, so I figured what the hell. I did like her, we have fun, so just ride it out for what it is, enjoy the sex and fun, and like all things in life, it will end on its own volition sometime soon.
Before going on, I need to rewind a bit. Two years ago, my 52-year-old father was suddenly diagnosed with cancer and the odds were not good for survival. It was a tough, tough fight he had -- my sister and two brothers and I were there with him side-by-side for the operations, the visits to countless clinics, etc. We watched him have some real bad days, then some real good days. As time went along, the bad days started to out number the good days, and toward the end, a good day was when he could hold food down. We lost my dad, cancer beat him. We have not been the same since. It’s so not fair -- he had so much to live for. Anyone who has been though this knows exactly what I am saying.
But now move back ahead to present day. Last week, she tells me she just got diagnosed with cancer. It is treatable and the survival rate is high, but it involves treatments, clinic visits, and hospital stays.
I can't do it. Call me weak, but last year I went though all this with my dad and it broke me. I am not in the mind-set to have to go through this again so soon -- it will be all too familiar.
I need to end the relationship with her and it is because she is sick and I feel terrible, but I need to be selfish. I would be a lousy support person for her. I know I would. I just need to end it. I don't know how though. Should I just walk away and completely shut her out of my life and give no reason? Or do I explain myself to her? For even thinking about this I feel like the worlds worst person. She is a wonderful girl and I know she will be OK, but I can't do this all over again so soon.
– Running From a Wonderful Girl Because Without Me She Will Be Much Better
A: RFAWGBWMSWBMB, I’m not so sure the issue here is the cancer. It is, of course, but you were pretty clear about the fact that you had plans to ditch this woman at some point anyway. Your mistake is not telling her at the eight-week mark that you didn’t see this working out in the long run. You assumed she felt the same way, but maybe she didn’t. As you put it, “For her side, I don't think I am the one either so I figured what the hell.”
Perhaps if you had told her how you felt (and didn’t feel) at eight weeks, this would be an easier conversation.
My advice is to tell her all of this, but to focus less on the cancer than the other stuff. Nursing someone and watching them die is – well, there are no words. It’s life-changing. But if this woman were “the one,” as you put it, you might be up for going through this process with her. Your desire to bail is about your lack of feelings for her, which have been the problem all along.
You’re going to have to end this, and you’ll feel like a bad guy. I know you want to avoid feeling like a jerk, but I’m not sure that’s possible. The way you signed your letter – as if you’ll be doing her a favor by leaving her – well, it’s bad form to phrase it that way. Without her you’ll be much better.
You stayed too long in a casual relationship and now you’re ditching someone who’s sick. You didn’t plan it that way, but that’s how it has gone down. The best thing to do is to be honest and accountable. Tell her that you started planning your exit weeks ago, but you enjoyed her company so you hung on. Tell her it would be misleading and confusing to stay on as her significant other during this process. Tell her you feel like a jerk and apologize. Then see how she responds. If you’re right about her lack of feelings for you, maybe she’ll take it well.
Let this be a lesson – if you’re really looking for something serious and you no longer want to date casually, behave that way. Let someone know when you’re sure they’re not “the one.”
And don’t beat yourself up too much. This is bad, but you couldn’t have anticipated any of it. Just try to learn from this experience. And ... so sorry about your dad.
Readers? Is this about the reader's dad or the blah feelings about this woman? How should the letter writer do this break-up? Share here.
– Meredith
Shouldn't she know better?
I got this e-mail from a reader last week. I asked for an update to make sure he was still in the same place. This is his letter and update for our consideration:
Q: I am a 54-year-old divorced man dating a 55-year-old divorced woman exclusively for the past three months or so. She is a trained couples therapist, though she presently works as a career coach. Everything has been going good so far with the exception of finding the time to be together as often as we would like. Her mom has been very sick and she is taking a couple of college courses on line, so her schedule gets hectic.
I can't read her mind
She has a boyfriend. He likes her anyway. Today's letter:
Q: Hi Meredith,
I'm kind of in a confusing situation and am not sure what to do: I'm very interested in this woman at school. I know she has a boyfriend but she hardly ever mentions him and doesn't bring him to class functions/dinners. My conversations with her have always been pleasant and we seem to get along quite well, and occasionally, some of the things she says/does can be interpreted in many ways; either as friends or something more but I could never really tell. On my part, I've hinted both before and after I found out she is seeing someone that I'm interested but have not really crossed what I think is an unknown boundary.
I decided to try to get to know her better and if things went well, I was going to tell her how I felt and ask her if she considered me a friend or something more. However, right at this time, an unforeseen family crisis caused her to take a leave of absence. There was no way I was going to bring this up with so many things going on in her life and I basically accepted the fact that we were going to be friends and keep in touch.
We had dinner last week, just us, and she seemed to be doing well in spite of everything that's going on. Our conversation covered her plans for vacation and work and such. This led me to believe she's doing OK and she's taking things pretty well. Some of the things she said also could've been interpreted in many different ways and I tried to focus on a friendly conversation more than anything else.
Now it's bugging the heck out of me about whether I missed an opportunity. The next day I texted her to tell her that I had something I wanted to ask her but will do so next time (she never replied). Towards the end of the week, I texted again her to see if she would be interested in dinner, and again, she never replied.
Should I consider this to be that she only wants to be friends?
– not very good at this stuff, Cambridge
A: NVGATS, you are right -- you are not very good at this stuff. In fact, you are terrible at this stuff. But that’s OK. We get better at these things with time.
My guess is that this woman only likes you as a friend (she has a boyfriend, after all) and that she got uncomfortable when you implied you had something important to tell her. That’s just a guess. And it’s a fairly uneducated guess because I don’t know her. So let’s find out what she really thinks, shall we?
I know you had plans to tell her the truth and that you paused because of her personal problems, but it sounds like you were already stalling.
Tell her what you told me – that you like her a lot and that sometimes you get the sense that she likes you, too. Tell her you’re bummed she has a boyfriend, and that while you’re happy to be her pal, you hope she might consider something more. She’ll respond honesty (hopefully), and you can take it from there.
If she reciprocates, she’ll be psyched. If she doesn’t, she’ll probably be relieved that you're giving her the chance to clarify her feelings. If she’s on the fence about her boyfriend and doesn’t quite know how she feels about you, knowing about your feelings might force her to make some decisions.
The lesson learned here is that we don’t know anything until we ask. We can’t read minds. When we know what we want, we shouldn’t wait too long to ask for it because the longer we wait, the more neurotic and weird we get about the situation – and the more we start sounding like Creepy Staring Guy.
Ask away. Be honest. Do it with respect and without making her feel weird. Prepare yourself for the possibility that she might retreat once she knows the truth. Stop texting hints and get to the point. And good luck.
Readers? Thoughts for a guy who’s really bad at this? Should he tell her how he feels? Can you read her mind? Share here.
– Meredith
The one and soul mates and magic
Good morning. Some of you have asked for Barcelona pics. I put some here. Feel free to look at them or skip them. I won’t be offended.
Today’s letter is a biggie. But we love biggies, don’t we? Get to it.
Q: I have recently started reading your column and find it very entertaining as well informative. Hope you’re enjoying your time in Spain!
I have been dating a guy (38) for the past 6 months or so. I am 36. After always dating the “bad boy” and having my heart broken over and over again (I was in a very emotionally and psychologically abusive relationship for 8 years and in a physically abusive relationship for 4 years before that), I made the conscious decision to date nice guys. I eventually met someone. He is wonderful, kind, generous, funny, thoughtful, smart … etc. We get along so well. We laugh, goof around, and wait 2.5 hours in line at the new Sonic in Peabody.
I know I fell for him a lot harder than he did for me and I was OK with that. For me this was all new, dating someone who is considerate and nice (but not crazy dorky nice), just an all-around great guy. I know he cares about me a lot and I figured eventually he would get there -- after all, it has only been 6 months. To me, we are still in the getting-to-know- each-other phase and enjoying each other’s company.
But lately, things have seemed a bit off. I am not really even sure how to explain it other than, in my past relationships when it has gotten like this, there was cheating involved. I know this guy is NOT cheating on me -- call it woman’s intuition or whatever, but I know that isn’t the case. But it’s definitely a sort of disinterested feeling. He continuously tells me how beautiful I am, how great I treat him, that he can’t believe that he has met someone so normal, that he loves showing me off to his friends, etc…. yet there seems to be some disconnect.
Then on Friday, we were texting back and forth and he dropped the bomb…. “I want to feel the magic with you, because you treat me so well, but I don’t.” I really didn’t even know how to respond to that, but obviously I was shocked and hurt. I went away for the remainder of the weekend; we didn’t really speak until I returned on Sunday night. He told me he was looking for a soul mate, that he wished it was me, but he just didn’t feel it. We talked for a bit about it …or well he talked and I was in tears. He also said that he thought that we should continue to date, that maybe down the line he might feel differently. But he just wasn’t sure. He said he doesn’t want to end things with me, but I am thinking -- why should I investment more of myself emotionally when 2 or 3 months from now he will end it when that magic doesn’t happen for him?
I guess my question is, does that “magic” feeling really exist? Or is that more just something in the movies and romance novels? I don’t think I have ever really felt what he is trying to describe. So then am I settling? I only really have 1 past relationship to “compare” to that was somewhat normal, and I almost married that guy. I know my feelings for this new guy are a lot stronger than that one. I had dated a bit since the end of my 8 year relationship, so I know there were definitely guys I didn’t click with for whatever reason and a couple of guys I did before I met this one. I guess what I am trying to figure out is how do you know when you have found “the one?”
– What is love?, Boston
A: WIL, you have asked a meaning-of-life question. I’ll do my best to answer it.
Magic happens, but it feels different for everyone. And sometimes magic goes away and comes back. And sometimes it doesn’t kick in until later. And sometimes magic is really the feeling of winning over someone who resisted your advances. Sometimes it’s about the unknown and it goes away when mysteries are solved. Sometimes it’s the best kind of magic -- the kind that sticks around for all the right reasons. My point is, magic varies. And magic doesn’t always mean that you’re in a relationship that will last. It’s magic, after all.
And for the record, I don’t believe in “the one.” We throw that phrase around a lot on Love Letters, but I think we mean “the one I love very, very much and want to stay with.” That makes the concept of “the one” more special. It’s not so much a destiny thing. It’s a choice. It’s a great responsibility.
It actually sounds like you are feeling the magic with this guy. You want to be around him, you consider yourself lucky that he’s in your life, and the way you talk about him suggests that he gives you the old butterflies-in-the-tummy thing. Sadly, he doesn’t feel the same way. Maybe he’s a serial dater. I have no idea.
You’re allowed to stick around and keep dating him if you want, but frankly, it sounds like it would become an audition. I fear that you’d have to keep wondering if you’ve somehow changed his mind. The process might be exhausting.
Perhaps you'd be better off using that energy to find a man who wants to wait in line at Sonic with you – for the rest of your life. I’d tell this guy that you appreciate his honesty. You can tell him that If he changes his mind, he can find you and let you know.
Magic men don’t reject by text. This man isn’t so magical in my book. Not yet.
Just know that there are other men out there who can be lovely without becoming abusive. This man is not the only “nice guy” around. Consider that he might be the first of your nice-guy experiences. I hope they only get better.
Readers? There’s a lot to answer here. Should she keep dating the guy? Do you believe in the whole soul mate thing? Or “the one” thing? Or “the magic” thing? Help this reader, please. Share thoughts here.
– Meredith
Vicky Cristina Goldstein Barcelona
Some things I saw in Barcelona ...
In Barcelona, they call “He’s Just Not That Into You,” “Que Les Pasa a los Hombres?” I like it when translations aren’t literal.
In Barcelona, they have lots of sandwiches with meat and cheese. I ate this one.
They also have chocolate cake. I ate this one.
I went to see this because Valentino told me to. My photo doesn’t do it justice.
This was my favorite part of the trip. In Sitges. I mean, it doesn’t get better.
Oddly enough, while my friend and I were in Sitges, we went to a hotel/restaurant owned by a couple from Rhode Island – sort of. Michael Valenti, of Bristol, R.I., met his wife working on a ship. She’s from Sitges. They lived in Bristol for years, but recently moved to Spain with their kids to be closer to her family for a while. They just opened up a hotel on the main drag. It’s gorgeous. It’s an incredibly romantic story – couple falls in love on boat, winds up owning a nine-room hotel in Spanish paradise. If any of you are planning a trip to Barcelona, I highly recommend booking a night at their hotel. It was sort of weird to be on a beautiful Spanish shoreline talking to a hotel owner about the Pats game. Michael bought a special cable package so he wouldn’t miss any football. He had just seen the recent snowy victory.
And yes, I had some Sangria.
Which is probably why I took this picture for no good reason.
The end.
Acting like he's still married
I’m back in Boston. I missed you. I’ll post a note about my trip to Barcelona, but I’ll do it on another page so you don’t have to scroll through it all day. And yes, now that I’m home, I’ll reconvene peace talks with the techies for more improvements.
You all sent me great letters while I was gone. I was up until 1 a.m. reading them, which is very late in Barcelona time. I’m ready for a nap again.
Here's today's letter:
Q: Dear Meredith,
I have been dating a married (separated not yet divorced) man for the past 8 months. He maintains a separate residence in a town close to his family's home. He was married for 16 years and he and his ex/current wife have 1 daughter who is almost 4 yrs. old. He is kind and loving, smart and fun to be around. We have a good relationship. I know he loves me and tries very hard to take care of me and make me happy. I am not shy about sharing my opinions and feelings.
Here's the rub. He moved out 8 months ago and I think he spends too much time at his family's home in the company of is ex/current wife. Apart from childcare issues and the time he spends with his daughter, which I remain flexible and understanding about, I don't think he should be spending anytime at the residence. He doesn't see this as a problem. I find it weird. I also think it perpetuates the idea that he and his ex are still a couple.
Typically (currently, he is unemployed), he will leave my apartment in the city and travel north to take care of his daughter in the morning then drop her at daycare. He then heads back to the family homestead and spends most days there (whether the wife is there or not). He does the dishes, the laundry, and sometimes grocery shopping. He maintains the lawn and will shovel snow in the winter.
Today for example, she is home sick from work and he is there as well. When I asked him whether he felt uncomfortable being there when she is there, he said no. There are other issues about boundaries too numerous to mention ... like him lying about attending a family birthday party with his daughter and ex in the same car (no I was not invited) and his ex calling/texting repeatedly his cell phone on his "day off" when she knows that he is with me. It could be manipulation on her part or it could be falling into old patterns. The frustrating thing is that I see it as a problem but he does not.
To me his behavior or lack of boundaries signals that he is not ready to have this relationship with me if he hasn't moved on from his last one. So I ask him to clarify those boundaries and he waffles and seems confused about how to move forward.
Am I just wasting my time? Will he figure this out? Do I put aside all the good stuff we have between us and just move on?
– Am I The Girlfriend or NOT (AITGON)
A: AITGON, if I’m reading this right, you’ve been dating this man since the day he moved out of his family’s house. Is that right? Hmmm.
To answer your most basic question, yes, you are the girlfriend. You’re the girlfriend of a man who’s not yet divorced and is trying to figure out how to maintain a comfortable relationship with his ex and his child. It’s a little odd that he spends so much time at his ex’s house, but frankly, he’s experimenting. He’s separated. He has a lot on his plate -- and you’re not necessarily the most important thing on it.
If you want to be the center of someone’s attention -- if you want to date someone who can prioritize getting to know you -- this guy isn’t the guy. You sound like you want a real boyfriend. This guy can’t be that. He’s too busy considering a divorce, maintaining a good relationship with his ex, and parenting. The fact that he doesn’t see anything wrong with his situation should confirm that.
Be honest about what you want. If you want it all, go find it in a more appropriate package. If you want him, start getting used to what he's willing to offer.
Readers? Should this man be hanging out at his ex’s all the time? Should the letter writer wait to see what happens after a few more months? Is this letter writer allowed to make demands? Share thoughts here.
– Meredith
Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends. Her work appears every Wednesday in the Voices section of the Globe's "G." She offers relationship advice — and welcomes yours. Follow Meredith on Twitter here.
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