Q: My boyfriend and I having been living together for over a year. He lived with me at MY old apartment and then we decided to get one together. I'm 26, he's 24. I'm a working a professional, he works from home. In the time that we have lived at the new apartment, we’ve had a lot of up and downs, mostly with him having commitment issues after moving. But we have gotten through it and are at a good point in our relationship -- sort of.

I think it's important to have time out individually but he NEVER invites me out with his friends. For example, I am a football fan, and we watched every game this season at home alone together -- but when he got invited to a Super Bowl party, he didn't bring me. It's upsetting because I'd like to be invited sometimes.

Also, he's not very interested in sex anymore. I know we've been together for a while and it’s not going to be every night, but he just seems to have no interest. I've talked to him about it and he says he wants to work on it, but nothing changes. I've also talked to him about the hanging out issue, and he says "I hang out with you all the time, I want to go out sometimes, you shouldn't make me feel bad about it." I'd like some advice. I don't want to break up but I don't know what this all means?!!!

– Nurse J, New York

Q: Hi Meredith (and commenters),

I have been in a relationship for almost 1.5 years with a good-hearted guy that I'm in love with. We're both in our mid-20s. We have been through a lot together, and we live together. We have a lot in common and I can see a bright, loving future with him.

We have occasional to frequent issues. When things are good, they're great. When they're bad, they’re awful. He has a hard time trusting me. I think it has a lot to do with his past. His parents had him very young and they only stayed together for about a year after he was born. They did not show him a lot of genuine affection and care growing up, and he did not have a stable life. He also has had bad relationships, where the girlfriend betrayed him emotionally, physically, and even financially (which I understand, but most people deal with at least one bad relationship experience). When something goes a little sour with us, he overreacts. He also assumes the worst about me -- that I'm lying about being faithful, and he seems to expect to find out negative things about me. He will have outbursts where he is mean and irrational. He has also recently been feeling very depressed.

He is an emotional person, and I knew that from the get-go. But I don't feel that I deserve any of his skepticism. I have been nothing but honest and trustworthy in our relationship. I have worked very hard to make things work in our relationship. I tolerate a lot of his doubts and reassure him when he asks about things (although now I doubt whether I should have kept doing so after a certain point). I pick my battles, walk away when I see we need to cool off, and I also took my current job in order to afford an apartment together (it's not my ideal job).

I have suggested therapy, but he refuses. I suggested other methods to try to feel better, but he ignores me or says I'm pushing him. He hasn't tried anything to overcome his negative feelings, lack of trust, or depression. I know it's beyond my control, but I'm starting to feel helpless. I can't understand why he’s letting this continue when it's harming our relationship. I don't know what else to do. I have thought about breaking things off, but I can't stand the thought of being without him. What do I do?

– Helpless in the Hub, Boston

Q: Hi Meredith,

I've been married for almost a decade and have three kids with a man I adore. But over the years I have caught him in little lies. I haven't always confronted him for fear of an argument. My concern is if there are little lies, there must be big lies. Where there are little fish there are big fish not far behind. I can't help but feel he is keeping more from me.
He is never one to admit that he did anything wrong; any problems/issues that have arisen over the years are always someone else's fault. A good example is when I got pregnant with our third child; he acted as though he didn't sleep with me. He didn't accuse me of cheating but instead acted as though he thought I was on the pill. I haven't been on the pill in more than a decade.

We rushed into marriage because I was pregnant. I'm not 100% sure he would have chosen me for his wife if I wasn’t pregnant. I didn't give him an ultimatum but did give him the option to choose with me as to what we were going to do. I wanted marriage but did not in any way push it, since even back then I wasn't sure he truly loved me.
He almost never makes an effort for us to do things as a couple. The excuses over the years have included that he is tired or we can't afford a babysitter. However, the minute a friend calls to get together, he's there. Which doesn’t happen that often but it's frustrating that he can find energy, time, and money to go have drinks with his friends. We do take a trip as a couple usually once a year. But usually it's me who makes all of the arrangements.

I also work full-time but very close to our home, so I'm usually the one who shuttles the kids around. My office job is demanding but my employer flexible so I can spend more time with the kids. However, balancing a full-time office job and a job as a mom leaves me exhausted most of the time.

I don't expect a "mom of the year" or "wife of the year" award but would like some appreciation. I get absolutely none. I also never get compliments like, "you look nice." I do get I love yous. We are intimate -- that is the one thing that is great in our relationship. Not sure how that exists since I feel everything else is a problem.

Communication is null. He comes home and we basically say the same things to each other ("How was your day?"). It's difficult to make decisions with him, it seems he disagrees with any suggestions I have. As a result, I usually hold back feelings and don't want to talk to him. But I end up keeping everything inside, until it erupts.

Most recently, we had a huge argument where we both agreed we were emotionally drained from the marriage. When the dust settled from the argument, I tried to resolve things with him; he didn't want to talk about it. But he wanted to be intimate. We still haven't discussed how we are going to resolve our issues or save our marriage. It's business as usual. But it feels very different this time. He assures me he loves me but I'm not so sure.

Is he emotionally unable to communicate or just gliding by until the kids are older enough, at which time he will want a divorce? I really don't know how much longer I can glide by. A marriage is built on trust, communication, friendship, love, intimacy, etc. We only have one of those items. I would love to go to couples counseling but am almost convinced he will never go for it. My mother recently confided in me that she thinks he is depressed. I never really thought of that as being the issue, it could be but it's so hard to tell.

Thanks in advance for reading my letter. I really appreciate it. I really don't have anyone I can talk to.

– Where there are little fish, there are big fish

Q: Dear Meredith,

I have been going out with a guy off and on for the past 3 years. A family friend introduced us. Initially, we were going out every 1-1.5 weeks. We would keep in touch in between by email or text and a few times by phone. After about 7 months of this, I was wondering where the relationship was going and wanted to spend more than once a week getting together. Hence, I made the decision to "have a discussion." He pretty much told me that he did not feel the same so I broke off all contact. After 1 month, I decided to contact him via email that I wanted to return to him his belongings.

Fast forward 2.5 years and we get together once or twice a month, usually for brunch or dinner. We do email or text once a week and talk on phone occasionally. Also, in this time, we have gone on one away trip that lasted 3 days. When we get together, we have fun (I do and think he does too). Our families, who have met twice, seem to interact well. He has met some of my friends and I have met some of the people he works with. In hopes of trying to get past the "let get together for lunch/dinner," I have invited him to join me for activities I enjoy (e.g. basketball game or going to see a movie/musical) but he has declined. He has told me, at times, that he enjoys being able to get home at night and not having to deal with others. I will admit that in the past 1.5 years, when I have become frustrated with him, I have gone out with other guys but none have progressed past a few dates.

Have I settled on a "relationship" that is going nowhere? Should I close this chapter and move on, as it may be holding me back? Thanks for your advice (and to all the readers)!

– Am I Stuck?, Boston

Q: My fiancé of 3+ years is planning a vacation with his buddies/co-workers to Atlantic City. I asked if I could come along, since we had been talking about planning a similar trip. When he said it was an all-guys trip, I brushed it off until he mentioned that a woman, who happens to be a lesbian, is also attending. This raised a flag to me because I instinctively know what this means: strip clubs. When I asked why she was allowed to go, his response was, "Well, she's not gonna mind if I have [ice cream cones] in my face."

Keep in mind that his friends either have been married for a while or are single. Now I know that it is in every man's DNA to want to see a naked woman, but I can't help but be bothered by this. I am not sure if it's because we were trying to plan a trip like this for the two of us and now he's decided to go with his male friends, or if I'm just bothered that his sole purpose for going is for a strip club.

Regardless, I am bothered by the fact that his whole weekend will be spent blowing money at strip clubs -- money that we're trying desperately to save for a house and a wedding. I never thought of myself as a jealous person, but now that I am faced with this issue, I am beginning to think that's exactly what I am.

It's not that I think he's going to cheat, but cheating for a male means different things than for a female. If I knew that he was [looking at ice cream cones] and was very [close to sampling ice cream cones], I would be extremely upset. The counter-argument I brought up was, "If you found out I had my hands or face in some guy's [ice cream cones], you would be upset too."

Knowing that men go to strip clubs to see beautifully-sculpted naked women (and pay them to be their eye candy) makes me resentful that he isn't satisfied with what he has at home. I will give myself credit and say that I am a stunning young woman, who could stand to lose a few pounds, but nevertheless I am very good-looking and like to make my man happy.

Is this irrational? Am I crazy to get so upset by this, and do I just have to let it go? Or do I have a right to voice my concerns without seeming like a nagging girlfriend who can't let her man go to a strip club for a weekend. I know that telling/asking him not to go will only make him resentful and want to do it even more in the long run, but I won't be able to sleep the whole weekend he's gone, and I probably won't be able to get bad thoughts out of my head. I also probably wouldn't be able to look at or touch him knowing where he's been.

I just need some guidance from some rational men and women, in healthy, long-term relationships who have faced similar situations. Why do men feel the need to touch and look at other women, when they have their own beautiful women at home?! Who they don't have to pay...

– ConfusedAboutMen, Medford

Q: My boyfriend and I have been dating for a little over six months and we have a very loving and trusting relationship. We both recognize the long-term potential in this and have started the discussion of getting engaged and moving in together. After a long marriage with five wonderful kids, he got divorced a few years ago. I am also divorced with a young son who adores my boyfriend. Although there is a 15 year age difference between the two of us (I'm younger), we have proven compatible so far in all the important areas of our relationship. Our friends and family have all been extremely supportive of us, and we have both fit comfortably in each other's circles, with one exception: he has not introduced me to his children (except for the eldest).

My boyfriend tells me that the other children know that he has a girlfriend, and that the eldest has been supportive of our relationship in front of his siblings. But I would still like the opportunity to meet the other children in the near future and begin working on having a relationship with them. (They live with their mother.) My boyfriend says he doesn't want to confuse them. I trust his judgment and know that he wants what is best for all parties involved. But I feel like he has two different lives right now: one with me and one with his children. It makes me sad at times when I'm not included in activities with them.

I am trying to be gentle with broaching this topic again with my boyfriend because I know he feels pulled in a bunch of different directions. I just wonder whether his reluctance to introduce me to his children is a sign of his insecurity about our future. Are we moving too fast? Shouldn't I meet the children before we move in together? Do I even have a right to influence this important decision?

– I want to be part of the family too, Newton

Q: Dear Meredith,

I am an early-30s, female physician-in-training who is attractive, smart, well-traveled, funny, kind and ... single. I don't mind being single. In fact, I think there are lots of great aspects to being un-partnered. Yet, it's been years since my last serious relationship and I'm yearning to wake up with the same person every day, to have a travel companion, to cook dinner and converse with someone about our daily activities, to have regular sex, and yes, to find the person I'll marry and have children with.

My trouble is that while I'm very attractive and have no problem attracting men (heads turn when I walk into a restaurant for instance), I am almost never asked out on dates. Several people, mainly friends from work, have told me that they initially found me intimidating but that after getting to know me, they've realized that I have a heart of gold.

I think there are a few reasons why I may give off this vibe. First, I have a horribly dysfunctional family, which has forced me to do many things on my own. For example, moving and paying for all of my education. I can't play the damsel in distress because I haven't had the luxury of knowing Prince Charming would save me. Secondly, I've moved several times for school, have worked and lived abroad, and have traveled extensively. In doing so, I've mastered the art of appearing very confident even when I was clueless so as to protect myself from getting mugged or taking advantage of. Third, I work in a profession that doesn't reward the damsel in distress. As a budding doctor, I need to study, learn, and know a lot to best care for my patients. So, outside of work, I have a hard time smiling and saying yes to the sweet man at the gym who offers me an umbrella for the deluge outside or the man who offers to carry my groceries. Along those same lines, I'm a very cerebral person. I'm a thinker, and when I'm in my daily routine, for example walking to the train from my apartment, my brain is contemplating a multitude of things. In total, I've just done so many things on my own, most of which I've been very lucky to have had control over, that it's hard for me to let my guard down and be in the moment to let Mr. Right in.

Let me add, however, that I do meet men whenever I happen to travel. There's something about me being in a foreign environment where I'm in the moment, not thinking of something somewhere else, that relaxes me and invokes my curious fun-loving side which attracts men.

My question to you is how do I tap into the adventurous, fun loving side of me in my everyday life to become more inviting to men without having to play the ditzy, helpless maiden in distress or coming across as a cougar who wants a romp in the hay? I'm curious to hear what light you can shed on my situation.

– Funny, Well-Traveled, Cerebral Hottie in Need of Love

Q: Hi Meredith,

I am a divorced father of a wonderful daughter. I've been divorced for almost 10 years, and while it's been a rocky road for me at times, I think I've moved on for the most part. My ex (let's call her Jane) and I have shared custody of our daughter. We have gotten along very well when it comes to raising our child. Recently, however, I have grown increasingly concerned about some of Jane's behavior and how it might affect my daughter. I just don't know how to handle it appropriately.

A bit of background: My marriage ended because Jane had been cheating on me for several years with several different people. I tried everything under the sun to try and save the situation for our daughter's sake and for my own. We tried counseling and various other things to try to fix the situation. In the end nothing helped, and Jane finally told me she was leaving me for a guy she had been seeing for some time and she was going to file for divorce regardless of what I wanted. Jane ended up marrying this guy a year or two later. He has kids of his own, and whether I like it or not, my daughter has grown close to his kids and now considers them to be family.

I told Jane when we broke up that regardless of how I felt, she better not "mess up" again because of the impact it would have on our child. I told her if she broke our daughter's heart again by messing up another marriage and once again turning her life upside down, I would not hesitate to file for full custody. As far as I am concerned, another divorce would show that Jane is completely self-absorbed and an unfit parent.

Flash forward to today. I'm still very close to Jane's family, since my daughter is their family. They also know the basics of what happened between Jane and me, and they have always been very supportive. Recently, one of them added me as a Facebook friend. This means that all of a sudden I can see a lot of Jane's Facebook activity, as we are now "Friends of Friends" of each other, in Facebook terms. For a while I tried not to look. But eventually my curiosity got the best of me. I can't see a lot, but I can see some of her activity and her friends' list, etc.

Facebook ethical dilemmas aside (I will do whatever I feel I need to do as a father to protect my daughter's best interests, and I can't help it if Jane doesn't understand the ins and outs of Facebook's byzantine privacy configurations), I now know things that are of great concern to me. Jane has been spending a lot of time with an old friend. My daughter told me that her mother even shared a "scorpion bowl" at lunch with this guy one day (and then drove with my daughter in the car, which is a whole different concern!). I think a lot of this time has been spent without the current husband around.

The bottom line is that I am seeing what appears to be a re-emergence of a pattern of behaviors that I am unfortunately very familiar with. Given Jane's history, I think my concerns are legitimate. I don't really care about how this impacts the new husband. It would be karmic justice if it only affected him, as far as I'm concerned. Unfortunately, such behavior doesn't just affect the new husband. My only concern is that Jane may once again be cheating, or is certainly tempting fate, and that this could lead to another messy divorce, which would hurt my daughter in ways I don't even want to think about. She would lose a family that she's become close to.

What do I do here? How do I confront Jane about my concerns? Is it even appropriate for me to do so? I just want to do whatever I can to protect my child in this mess. It took her several years to adjust to one new reality. I don't want her to have to start all over again if her mother is being as selfish as I think she is. Am I way off-base here?

– Concerned Father in Boston

Q: I have been with a 30-year-old man for about 1.5 years. It's been long distance the entire time so it's been tough, but we've suffered through it because of the depth of our love. However, we've hit a wall. We know that to stay together, we need to move in together, but that requires one of us making a trans-Atlantic move. So the plan is for me to come to Europe for 3 months, and then him to the states permanently after that.

I have no issue going to Europe, because I want to be with him so bad. My issue with him moving to the States is that is sounds too much like marriage. I can't have anyone moving here without promising them some serious commitment. This scares me, because I'm only 20 and I'm worried that I would be settling down too young and missing out on a plethora of crazy experiences. However, I love him dearly.

And so now we're on a break -- imposed by him -- because of how I feel. The purpose of it is for me to experience things and see how life is without him. But now I just feel depressed.

I love him so much and it's so unfair that to be together we have to make such a big decision. I know for a fact that if I were to stay with him I'd have a happy, fulfilled life. The bigger risk is looking around and figuring out what's out there. Some small voice inside of me is telling me that what's out there is awful, but it still has not killed my curiosity.

I'm plagued by this 20-year-old "I don't know what I want" mindset. Although I'm a firm believer in holding onto love whenever you find it, I'm worried that all the people who tell me never to settle down young are right.

However, before you comment I urge you to remember that stats show that going along until your 30s to find someone to settle down with actually makes things harder on yourself as far as love. Studies have proven that the dating game tends to give you psychological scars that you could have prevented by settling down younger. Moreover, studies show that by committing your 20s to being carefree and "finding yourself" actually decreases your chances of finding a long, lasting and healthy relationship, considering the lasting effects of having a "me" disposition for so long. Also, who wants to be old with kids? Furthermore, who wants to be without someone who will love and support you?

I'm at a point where I'm worried that I'm making the biggest mistake of my life by taking a break and walking out of my relationship. I don't know what it means to define myself without him anymore.

– Advice?, Chicago

Q: Hi Meredith,

I met my boyfriend of a year when I had just gotten out of a serious relationship. He was two years younger than me and I was just looking for some fun so I didn't let the immaturity and flaws that come with his age faze me. Eventually, however, we fell in love and suddenly letting the immaturity and irresponsibility go wasn't so easy.

He is going through a tumultuous time trying to figure out who he is. (He is only 19) These ups and downs include depression, struggling to keep up in school, lashing out at family and in the workplace due to some pent up angst, and spending time with a group of friends who smoke a lot of weed.

However, when he is with me, he is everything I could ever want in someone. He is passionate, thoughtful, reflective, and loving. Most importantly, we have a blast together.

We attended the same college but he transferred to another school to go part time because he was struggling so much with the workload here. I am actually finding that I enjoy my space from him and it worries me.

I am graduating in May and hoping to get a job in the Boston area (where he is also from). He claims that this semester he will be taking time to really organize his life and get his act together. I trust if he grows out of his immaturity and irresponsibility and this "phase" he is in, that we have what we need to make it through anything.

Is it wrong for me to hold out hope that he really will change? I know that old adage about how waiting for someone to change is a waste of time. But part of me remembers being his age and feeling restless and making similar mistakes. I am patient and independent enough to wait it out without it effecting me too much (I think...) but it's a risk and I don't think I can handle the disappointment if my waiting doesn't pay off.

What do you think?

– Robbing the Cradle, Boston

Q: My husband and I are in our 40s and have been married for 15 years. We have 3 good kids, and both hold rewarding jobs. Over the years, things have been up and down, as I think is natural in a long-term relationship, but it really started to go downhill a few years ago, with neither of us really paying attention to the other, then feeling hurt because the other was not paying attention. I had been depressed and put on some weight and felt unattractive, and he did not seem to want me. He also felt that he was unwanted. The fact that he travels for his job also meant that he was not home during the week to help with the house, kids, etc. and by the time weekends rolled around, both of us were just too tired to take care of the relationship.

Several months ago, I discovered he was having an affair with a much younger woman. The "relationship" is over, and I am working very hard to get past it. To give him his credit, he is working hard on this too -- being more considerate and accessible when he is home. Of course, I have my doubts, but I really want to get past this and get to a better place in our marriage.

However, there is a sticking point. He wants a sexual relationship, like now. I agree with him that sex is an important part of a healthy marriage, and I too would like to have a good sex life, but he has actually set a deadline for when he expects sex to resume. I feel so insecure about making myself open and vulnerable -- I just cannot relax enough to even think about being physical, and the more he pressures me, the more tense and anxious I get. And yes, I even feel resentful.

We did try couples' counseling, but that did not work out. I still think that it's important to try counseling, but I have hit a brick wall. He completely refuses to try that again. I just don't know where to go from here. It seems unfair to put so much pressure on me to resume a sexual relationship -- I feel as though this part of our lives will grow back organically and should not feel forced.

– Rock and a Hard Place, Somerville

Q: Dear Meredith,

I reunited with my middle school buddy two years ago thanks to Facebook. We live in separate states, but despite the distance we kept in touch. Fast forward two years later, and, well, our relationship has blossomed into a beautiful friendship. We talk about being together, and usually express to each other how we feel. He never misses a birthday and holiday, and always says that he says he loves me.

Recently, I decided to finally visit him for the first time after 15 years. The meeting went great, it was perfect! I met all of his friends, met his parents and the entire family. At least for me, this trip helped me solidify my understanding of what I wanted from him. I am in LOVE!!

Fast forward a few days later and I am now back home and wondering what is going on ... We were having a conversation last night regarding how much his friends and family have been wondering about the status of our relationship. I was shocked, because I thought that we were officially together. So we discussed this, and well the guy is hesitant about us and doing the whole long-distance thing. However, he never falls short to tell me that HE loves me. He also says that he had the most amazing weekend, that he wants me close, and that he doesn't want to let me go.

What should I do? I am a strong believer that if you care for someone, the distance and circumstances don't really matter. But also, should I not pressure the long distance issue any longer and just be pen pals or leave this experience in the past?

– Am I Living in a Fantasy, West of Boston

Q: Hey Meredith (and readers),

I've been dating a guy for a couple months. I'll call him John. John and I dated briefly last year for a month, all good times until he dropped a bomb on me that he didn't want to be in a relationship. Not where I thought things were headed, but he was nice and sweet about it and truly apologetic and strangely enough (on my end at least) we remained friends.

We've hung out here and there, and it was always enjoyable, but I thought all he wanted out of it was my friendship since he started dating someone a few months after we split. Fast forward to a couple of months ago. Over Thanksgiving, he told me he never lost his feelings for me and he wanted us to try again. Color me surprised; I didn't see this one coming from a mile away. I was hesitant at first, but he was so genuine and sweet about it, saying he wouldn't want to start something up if he thought it was going to end quickly or badly and he truly liked me and wanted to give it another chance.

I've dated my fair share of morons, so I'm slightly guarded with my emotions (can you really blame me?) but I gave in because honestly I don't think I ever lost my feelings for him either. The problem you ask? I think I love him but it's been two months. TWO MONTHS. I'm so absolutely terrified to tell him and rush things and I'm even more scared that it's going to slip out at such an awkward moment that it won't seem genuine. I've never said those three little words before (slight technicality) but it's the little things like him offering to take care of me when I got the stomach flu (which no one has ever done before), buying me a Christmas present when he was pretty much broke, and just all the little things that make me fall for him.

So now my slightly ridiculous question. Do I just go with my feelings, potentially scaring the crud out of him and possibly wrecking a good thing, or keep it in? See where things go and see if the feeling is still there in another couple of months? Any advice would be greatly appreciated! Thanks in advance everyone! Love you! (I'm just practicing, just in case, sorry.)

– I'm Afraid It'll Slip, Boston

Q: I met this guy about a year ago. He was a new student at law school. We became friends, and soon our relationship became quite flirty and intimate, physically and emotionally. At the time, I wondered whether he was just fooling around because he had just broken up with his girlfriend.

A couple of months later, longer after their break up, we started hanging out more often, having pseudo-dates. We go out for food, go for long drives out of town, talk for hours, and have drinks. And whenever we go out, we act like a couple. We hold hands, hugs and kisses, get intimate, etc. He's been dropping hints, so I'm pretty sure he has feelings for me, too. Seems like a good love story, right? Problem is, we haven't really talked about us. And our "relationship" is not in the open -- although we don't really intend it to be a secret. (But it helps because his ex has been jealous of me since we became close friends and there are still issues about it, rumors going around and stuff.)

He is also hot and cold, and I wonder whether I am just a rebound girl or something. On the other hand, he's close to my friends and he knows my family and I've met his too -- but not in a mom-dad-I'd-like-you-to-meet-this-girl way, unfortunately.

I am really confused right now. I don't want to push the relationship or rush it, but it would really help to know where I stand or where we stand. I don't want to ask him outright because I might put him off. I'm scared to sound like I want to rush things. I am also shy and quite an introvert when it comes to talking about personal things and emotions. What sound I do? Should I just wait? Or should I keep my options open? Do you think he isn't really serious about this?

– Confused Wallflower, San Francisco

Q: Hi Meredith,

I have been dating a man for just about two years now. He's sensitive and funny, great with kids, and absolutely stunning socially. He treats me right, he runs his own company, we communicate well, laugh a lot, and value each other's opinion. His family is stellar and they love me back. I'd like to know, though, other than cheating and substance abuse, what are the biggest breakups of marriages? Because my man and I are obviously on that path, and I worry that our issues are big ones.

For one, he can't leave a city that I can't stand. I came to the city we're in now for work, years ago, and as soon as we met we knew we had something really special so I've stayed, but the city is depressing to me and I miss the green and gratitude of the West Coast. I also love traveling. He can't move because his family is here and everyone is very close. His company is also here, and he can't leave it for more than a few weeks at a time.

Also, because of his work, hobbies, and family, I don't get the type of attention I crave. I grew up as a lone wolf, whereas he sees friends he's known since he was 8 every week. I'm used to being the center of a man's world, and although I don't *need* it, I do need to know I'm his priority.

And finally, there are financial issues. I grew up relatively well-off, traveling at least once a year. His profession isn't very lucrative.

Right now we are on a collision course for family -- we both want children, we love each other, and we're in our late-20s to early-30s. But with location, attention, and financial stress, will adding kids just push us over the edge? It's kinda the perfect time, but is this really just the perfect set up for disaster??

– Worried about marriage, Philadelphia

Q: I have been on and off with my boyfriend for about two years. He is beyond wonderful at times -- but he can also act as if he's not happy with his life at all.

I broke up with him because of that. My life wasn't going anywhere and I was beginning to feel stuck. The same night we broke up, I ran into an old friend that I used to text a lot. We kissed that night and I forgot all about my ex. This guy is amazing -- he has a great education, great family, great everything, and is so into me. He is so passionate.

We dated for about 6 months until my ex came back into the picture. I saw him at a few parties and I started to miss him. So I start texting him, sending him pics, etc. Eventually, I broke up with the new boyfriend and got back with my ex. The newer guy was heartbroken (I mean devastated) but I suddenly had no interest in him. I was all about my ex.

I'm still with my ex now but have also been texting my old fling. I am in desperate need of help. I love my ex and am so comfortable around him, but I love the second guy, too.

How do I choose? I've hurt these guys way too many times. I keep going back and forth between the two of them and I always get caught and never feel bad about it. I don't know what do to. Please, please help.

– Can't Choose, MA

Q: Dear Meredith,

I am currently single and have been for about three years now. I am 28 years old. I dated and lived with a great girl previously for about a year, but it didn't work out.

Back to why I am writing you. I am totally lost and hopeless in the dating arena. I have so many issues. I think I am attractive, in good shape, have a good job, and am very honest. But sometimes I think maybe I am trying to go out with girls who are too "attractive," at least based on my definition (not everyone agrees). When I say, OK, let me try someone who maybe I am not attracted to but could be good for me, I am totally not into it and end up feeling I wasted my time and hers. So that's one issue. Am I attracted to girls who are out of my league?

The more important issue is that while I actually do pretty well with getting dates and meeting women, I drive myself absolutely CRAZY with (1) when to call, (2) when to text, (3) when to meet, and (4) freaking out that maybe she doesn't like me and on and on and on. I self-destruct. I could go on an awesome first date but then smother the girl, texting the next day what a great time I had, asking her to go out again right after, and trying to contact her too much. One girl said that she got a sense of paranoia from me and that I could be insecure. Others say that I am too forward sometimes. I am just trying to be honest when they ask personal questions. I feel like it is more anxiety than anything! Friends always tell me to play it cool, but I totally can't. I already met a cute girl and asked for her number, but I am afraid I will screw it up again. I know others have much bigger problems, but I feel like a lot of my issues are what single guys and girls are often feeling -- when to call, what to do, etc. It feels like everything is magnified at the beginning so when being too careful, I actually mess it up. I probably sound desperate!

Please help ... I just want to meet someone and settle down. I am 28 and not getting younger!

– Totally Lost in NYC

Q: Meredith,

I am a divorced man in my early 30s. I met my wife when I was a young working professional right out of college. She was right out of high school at the time. We fell hard and fast for each other, but over time it was evident we had little in common, plus her family and friends didn't really like me. In total I was with my ex-wife for over 8 years.

Today I find it increasingly difficult to meet anyone, let alone date, find someone attractive, someone who wants the same things and not play games. Instead, I've been doing a ton of research on finding a wife from a 3rd world country. Old school matchmaking as they call it.

I understand it is not love. These foreign brides come from almost nothing, most are just trying to help pay off family debt. Sometimes these girls are simply forced into it ... as in human trafficking.

There are many cases where 3rd world brides are abused, murdered, and subject to deplorable conditions in their adopted homes. Many run away just to end up as prostitutes because of the language/cultural barrier.

I'm a big believer in helping the less fortunate. My intentions are to find a suitable wife, not to take advantage of someone in a desperate situation. Most relationships are based on love, but love alone can't sustain it. We often act out of blind love, sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't. Instead, I'm looking for a relationship based on mutual respect and appreciation first.

I believe there are merits to this "arrangement." It is a different type of marriage/relationship but one that could last even longer. There are so many divorces today. Clearly the love was right at THAT moment (whenever it was), but wrong at THIS moment. I need a relationship that can sustain itself with or without love. I'm not a frog, have a successful career, only 30, tall, no physical handicaps. I'm perfectly capable of finding my match here. But nowadays nothing is for certain.

There are many types of "arrangements" today: one-night stands, hook ups, booty calls, friends with benefits, open relationships, etc. This one is just more old school, using matchmakers.

What do you think about going on a marriage tour?

– Third World Bride, Boston

Q: Hi,

I am in my early 30s and was, until a year ago, in a tumultuous 5-year relationship. Although we loved each other very much and got along well, my ex couldn't make up his mind about whether he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, whereas I was ready for a real commitment on his part after being together for 3 years. To be fair, he was in an unstable financial and career situation the whole time and felt he had nothing to offer. He had already tried to end the relationship a few times because even though I didn't make any demands on him, it was obvious I wanted something that he couldn't provide. He was just not mentally ready. But each time, our feelings pulled us back together.

We finally broke up last year when he decided it was unfair to keep me waiting until he made up his mind.

It took me a while to get over him, but two months ago I met a wonderful guy and we have developed strong feelings for each other. But after I announced to my ex that I had met someone, he called me back to tell me he loved me and was now sure he wanted to marry me and that he's ready to spend the rest of his life with me. It's been a few weeks and he is much more communicative (he couldn't say the words "I love you" before), loving and caring.

So here I am, not sure if I should give my ex another chance or try and figure out where this new relationship is headed. Both options feel risky. My ex hasn't made me happy in the past due to his emotional unavailability, but I have some doubts about my new boyfriend's ability to make me happy too. He had trouble getting over an ex until recently, he hasn't gone to grad school yet, which is usually a big strain on relationships and delays family and kids (and frankly, I don't want to experience grad school a second time), he has a busy life (friends, hobbies), and I feel as though I can be just another activity to schedule...

Meredith, I need your help. I need to either tell my new bf I cannot pursue this relationship or tell my ex I will not marry him. How do I figure out if it's worth pursuing this new relationship or if I can trust my ex and give him another chance?

– Which One?, Boston

Q: Hi Meredith,

I am a successful, attractive, African-American female in my mid-20s who APPEARS to have everything going for me. I emphasize "appears" because people who know me believe I'm a young, vibrant, well-educated woman who has many opportunities awaiting her (and they are right). They think I don't stay up at night worried about anything.

And here is where they're wrong.

I have trouble dating and meeting men for a variety of reasons, but there are two that stick out most:

1. I have only been attracted to tall, attractive, white men. I'm talking about Tom Brady/Josh Duhamel/Paul Walker types. No one else. I have very good friends of all different cultural and racial backgrounds and I love them dearly, but as far as attraction goes, I'm only drawn to white males. I don't tell many people this because I'm afraid I'd be judged and looked down upon. But I only get that electric feeling with white men. [P.S. I'm working on breaking away from the pretty boy types I listed above because history has proven that the pretty ones are usually the dudes that break hearts.]

2. I'm still trying to get over a man I dated back in 2009 and 2010. I feel like he was the one that got away. I know it's been a while but it's like I can't completely get over him ... I just don't find that "spark" that I had with him with anyone else. He was so many things to me: smart, wicked attractive, educated, driven, funny, well-rounded, and his personality clicked well with mine. But he lived far away and it wasn't going to work. So I had to let him go. The icing on the cake is that I found out recently that this guy got married. Cue the water works. I was pretty hurt by it but he's been gone for so long, so it is what it is. The real downside is that I find myself only being attracted to men that resemble his physical features. Dark hair, brown eyes, tanned, beautiful.

The dating pool shrinks even more.

Anyway, I don't know what else to do. Men that meet me say they're surprised I'm single (probably because I love sports, action movies, and don't pay much attention to pop culture). I moved to Boston a year ago, so I don't have many friends that can play my wingman at bars or outings to meet guys. Going solo, I've tried extracurricular activities, going out, visiting bars...but I have this sinking feeling that I'm never going to meet someone that I'm wholeheartedly attracted to. I.JUST.FEEL.ALONE. Any advice?

– Living in a Black and White World, Massachusetts

Q: Dear Meredith,

I have been dating this guy for about three months. Things appeared to be going great until a few weeks ago when he dropped an atomic bomb. He is moving to CA either March or April 1st. He still wants to see me up until he moves, and I want to see him. Problem is, I am really falling for him and am already upset. Not sure if I should just end it now and be heartbroken or enjoy our last couple of months until he moves away and risk a bigger heartbreak!

I thought about the possibility of a long-distance relationship however my last one ended badly and that was only one state away.

I am devastated! HELP!

– Not Sure What to Do, Wakefield