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Should they call off the wedding?

Posted by Meredith Goldstein  January 26, 2009 07:02 PM

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Good morning. Prepare yourself -- today's letter is a doozy.

Q: So, I'll just be up front about this... I'm getting married next month, but I think I'm in love with another woman.

My fiancee and I have been together for a couple of years and our relationship, for the most part, have been wonderful. She's intelligent, thoughtful, attractive, fun, and we hit it off from our first date. I'm crazy about her. I always thought there was a little something missing, but overall I was excited to be with her.

I was always anxious about the engagement and upcoming marriage, but I took that to be cold feet or whatever. Then I met someone else who I connected with instantly, in many ways more deeply than with my fiancee. I haven't cheated on her, but I've wanted to. This other woman(I guess that's what she is) is remarkable, beautiful, interesting, intelligent...

I'm a little confused as to whether this is just a reaction to the stress of an upcoming marriage, or if this is a major sign that something is seriously lacking or wrong with my relationship with my fiancee? Or maybe I'm just a total jerk? Thanks.
Confused, Boston

A: Yikes.

I think they made a movie about this called "The Wedding Planner." In the end, the wedding is scrapped, and everyone is shiny and happy, especially J. Lo.

But this isn't a movie, Confused.

I'm pretty sure that "cold feet" is nervousness and mild second-guessing. I've never known it to mean being in love (or lust) with someone else. Too many people get married with their fingers crossed. I fear that if you carry through with your wedding plans, you'll either succumb to your desires post-ceremony, or you'll go through life resenting your wonderful partner for not being more wonderful.

I'm prone to over-sharing, so take this with a grain of whatever, but perhaps you should talk to your spouse-to-be about your state of confusion. Tell her you have a crush that's making you doubt. The truth will hurt, for sure, but she deserves to know what she's getting herself into.

If you and future-wife are meant to stick together, this will be good practice. This won't be your last crush. She'll have them, too. Figuring out how to cope with the fear-of-missing-out (what my friends call FOMO) is just one of the reasons marriage is so difficult.

Of course, if you want out and you're simply afraid of the cost and pain of undoing of a wedding, I'm here to tell you that cancelling a party is usually much cheaper than divorce. But if you're truly confused, Confused, you should share your feelings with the person who matters most --the woman who thinks you're ready to marry her.

Readers? Share your thoughts on the matter here.

And we still need some help with yesterday's letter ... also a doozy ....

-- Meredith


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73 comments so far...
  1. Do HER a favor (your fiancee) and don't marry her! Marriage is hard enough, without starting it off with doubts that you MIGHT be in love with someone else.... your fiancee deserves to know the truth (even if it is a confused truth! -- confused because, believe me, if the roles were reversed and the new love was the bride-to-be, you might still think you are in love with someone else!)
    cynical me!

    Posted by chins January 27, 09 11:19 AM
  1. Take your fiancee out for a nice dinner, cuddle up by a fireplace, and realize how lucky you are to have someone so special and who loves you enough to want to be with you forever. The fact you've been with her for a few years now should say a lot. Either don't throw that away or don't waste either of your time.

    Posted by DI$CO January 27, 09 11:29 AM
  1. Doubt means don't.

    Posted by exmoquin January 27, 09 11:43 AM
  1. Your Fiancee deserves more than a "confused" husband. What are you doing, hedging your bets? This is a life-long committment you're about to agree to. If there's any confusion, end it now and let her endure the pain so she can find someone who wouldn't trade her for the world. Trust me, I wish the confused man I married (and divorced 6 yrs later) had given me the gift of honesty. The only wonderful, remarkable thing left from that marriage is our beautiful daughter - I raise her by myself. That's how confusion can end up.

    Posted by kmira January 27, 09 11:50 AM
  1. Having been a fiancee where the other met meet someone else who they developed feelings for but hadn't "cheated" yet, it hurt but it was better to be confronted with it. I was able to make decisions about how I/we should proceed. We stayed together for another year. We had been together five years, so feelings wise it was like a divorce. It took two years before I was interested in dating again. But, ending a relationship when financially tied and with children is so much worse. Did that too, three kids and seven years together. Not sure, address it, and/or get out now.

    Posted by kidsparent January 27, 09 11:55 AM
  1. I was in your shoes 20 years ago (wonderful fiance and serious doubts). I went through with the wedding anyway, which was a big mistake.
    You are not a jerk. I agree with Chins. I have told my children many times that they are free to change their minds about getting married, up to an including on their wedding day, and if anyone has a problem with that, send 'em to me. I am not anti-marriage in the least, but if it's the right person, you'll know it and you won't have those doubts.
    I am now engaged to the right man, and I can't wait to get married. THAT is what you want to feel.

    Posted by BeFore January 27, 09 11:57 AM
  1. Don't have a conversation with your fiancee that dumps the problem on her and asks her to decide for you. Don't tell her all your doubts and ask her what to do. I say you don't want to marry this woman so don't. Have a conversation in which you tell her that. You can admit that the reason you know you don't want to marry her is because you were able to meet someone else about whom you feel so strongly, but don't dump the news on her and ask her to fix it. I say set her free, the two are you are not right together.

    Posted by Opinionated January 27, 09 11:58 AM
  1. Something to consider: everyone seems more exciting and the connection feels deeper at the beginning of a relationship. Did you feel this way about your fiance in the beginning? Eventually, you realize little differences as you get to know someone better. But, it's the differences that we can live with that make the person you marry the one.

    Posted by squid January 27, 09 11:59 AM
  1. Don't throw this away. it is goose bumps you are having because you are going to be married and won't have your freedom like you did. enjoy her and get married to her.

    Posted by samoy2e January 27, 09 12:01 PM
  1. Marry your fiance and just keep the other girl on the side. What she doesnt know wont hurt her and everyone will be happy.

    Posted by Bud January 27, 09 12:11 PM
  1. I always thought there was a little something missing...
    I was always anxious about the engagement and upcoming marriage...
    I haven't cheated on her, but I've wanted to...
    This is a major sign that something is seriously lacking ...

    These are your words.

    Posted by plb January 27, 09 12:13 PM
  1. I married someone I had doubts about. Four years later, thousands of dollars in lawyer bills later, we got divorced. Except for my beautiful child, I never should have married him. I was afraid of the embarassment of cancelling my wedding. We both deserved better. I don't regret marrying him - because of that wonderful little being we brought into the world - but I will never make that mistake again. Trust your gut. You want out. Not only you deserve to be happy - so does your fiancee. After the heartbreak, she will realize it was for the best. As for this other woman, I would really take my time and deal with this breakup and healing before getting involved with someone else.

    Posted by Been there January 27, 09 12:19 PM
  1. You are a pig, Bud.
    If you truly loved this woman, you would have met the other woman in the first place. Don't get married, give your fiance another chance at true love.

    Posted by Asian Pear January 27, 09 12:23 PM
  1. Delete Bud....delete.

    I strongly agree with Opinionated -- tell the truth, take responsibility, and you can both move on. Don't go into this conversation wishy-washy. Your fiancee will of course be hurt, but if you project "I can't make up my mind" she may take it on herself, asking what she could do differently to "convince" you. It sounds to me like you would not be able to take that wedding vow of "forsaking all others." You take a risk by ending this, but a bigger risk by marrying this woman while looking over her shoulder, and "emotionally cheating" with someone else.

    Don't be that guy. Nut up, hash it out, and move on. Pursue that deeper connection. "Stress" should not make you (or your fiancee) settle.

    Posted by serafina January 27, 09 12:29 PM
  1. Hey Bud (#10),

    How would you feel if your wife married you and had another guy on the side - so everyone would be happy?

    Posted by DontGetMarried January 27, 09 12:29 PM
  1. Sounds like a little more than a nervous/crush situation - communication is the key to a relationship - perhaps you need to start by talking with your fiancee - and you need to postpone the wedding - dating a few years isnt long enough to establish a marriage that works - for the most part. Remember, finding the one person that will fill every need is very uncommon - everyone has a space that is less than full so if your fiancee covers 90%, you might want to "settle". If you do mess around with the other woman - I would do it before you are married... who knows, maybe the sex is bad and going back to your fiancee makes you appreciate what you have more - just be sure to "wrap it up".

    Posted by Kevin B January 27, 09 12:32 PM
  1. What PLB said.

    There is nothing wrong with having a crush or cold feet or whatever. But it sounds like if you didn't actually have your doubts from the beginning, you've at least talked yourself into the idea that you've always had your doubts and you certainly have them now. You have eroded the foundation of trust in your relationship and would do yourselves both a favor to just move on. If you love her (which you haven't said if you do, really) then let her go so she can find the person she really deserves to be with. You're not a jerk ... yet ...

    Posted by susan January 27, 09 12:39 PM
  1. Take what's behind Door #2...She sounds great...you've realized what you need...you move on right away and the only one who gets hurt is your fiancé. She'll thank you in time because she never wanted to be married to a guy who has his eyes open for the ladies and Courvoisier.

    Posted by btdt January 27, 09 12:57 PM
  1. Hey Confused...any doubt means Don't do it !!! I got married in 1993 and divorced in 2002...save yourself and your fiance the heartache of a divorce....You wouldn't feel that way about another woman if you were truly in love...

    Posted by mc January 27, 09 12:57 PM
  1. The grass is always greener, Dude.

    People always look good when you don't know them intimately- this "other woman" has some attributes I'm sure you would want to run away from once you learn about them.

    This will not be the first or the last "Other Woman" you find appealing.It's part of living in a place where there are many people around, as opposed to say some small town where there are only so many people you might become in touch with.

    I'll bet if you have the kind of relationship with your wife to be that allows vulnerability and intimacy, she has been tempted as well.Don't think you're the only one experiencing doubt and confide in your wife with this concern. I agree with an early poster about "the gift of honesty".

    Good luck and trust your gut.

    Posted by Larry January 27, 09 12:58 PM
  1. Well, the fact that you even ask whether you're a total jerk makes me think that you're probably not. Jerks usually don't have the self-awareness to ask that question. But you sound like you are deeply confused, and a deeply confused person can hurt someone just as badly as a jerk, even more.

    You're not clear on how far this relationship with this other woman has progressed. If this is just a crush, that's one thing. The grass always looks greener..... In this case, I agree with Meredith. Sitting down with your fiancee and discussing what seems to be missing makes sense - and the conversation should focus on your relationship with her. In this case, the "other woman" is just a distraction from the real issues between you two. Those are things that you and your fiancee should work on and decide together - and that joint decision may well be to stop the wedding.

    But if this is a real relationship, with real interaction and requited emotion between you and the "other woman," then you are fooling yourself. You have already been emotionally unfaithful to your fiancee and it's time to put the brakes on the wedding. You have already identified the problems in your relationship and instead of working to solve them, you have moved into another relationship. In this case, I disagree with Meredith about having a discussion with your fiancee. Don't dump this on her; this is your problem and you need to make a decision and act quickly. I know you want to spare your fiancee heartache, but it sounds to me that there will be heartache either way. The real question is - do you want to behave honorably and limit the damage?

    Posted by Nancy G January 27, 09 01:09 PM
  1. 1. You have chemistry with the other woman. Big deal. You'll have chemistry with other women throughout your life. It's part of nature. The question is: do you have chemistry with your fiancee? It doesn't sound like you think so.
    2. Frankly, you don't sound like you have the maturity to make a decision to get married. If nothing else, you should postpone the wedding.

    Posted by jenny January 27, 09 01:22 PM

    Posted by Anonymous January 27, 09 01:23 PM
  1. Do talk to your fiance, but you call off the wedding, don't ask her opinion on whether you should do it. She might feel pressured to go ahead with the wedding anyway. News like this seem to take months to sink in. She does not have enough time to make an informed decision so do her a favor.

    Posted by elena January 27, 09 01:49 PM
  1. Do her a favor - DO NOT GET married. Pay her for the wedding stuff since you are the reason their will be none. Why did you waste this poor woman's time and know you are "falling" in love with another woman. I am sure you are guilty of cheating at least emotional cheating which is very bad. It is better to let her face heartache now then after 5 or 10 or so years of marriage a divorce because "you were having a mid life crisis " or you needed change. All great , long lasting relationships take communication and being honest with each other hurtful or not. It is worse to lie to this poor woman. I say grow up Peter Pan and maybe you will realize once your the woman you are to marry is out of the picture how much of a jerk and loser you are. I hope your ex- future and your crush read this and become the best of friends . This way you will lose both. Love is not always about passion and that instant gratification. You are adult are you not? Love should grow not only romanticaly but with a person you can build a true partnership with. For both women's sake get out of their lifes , for them to reach full happiness and meet BETTER men then you who can offer them more. After reading what you had to say no women will want you....... get over yourself....

    Posted by Anonymous January 27, 09 02:24 PM
  1. NOTHING is more important than trust and understanding! The love part comes with time. Lust is for the moment. Think hard about what you are about to do. It will change your life, but do'nt give in to your desires to quikly they only last so long. TALK TO HER !

    Posted by JOE January 27, 09 02:30 PM
  1. Bud,
    Always better to be ex-fiancee than ex-spouse.

    Posted by Bob January 27, 09 02:45 PM
  1. At least postpone the wedding. You may well find out then that the other woman wants nothing to do with you. This totally sounds like FOMO and is really juvenile. You are not ready to be married - and not because of the sudden appearance of the "dreamgirl," but because you are still casting about for an exit. This woman is just the first exit you could grab hold of. So don't drag either of these poor women into this. If you break it off, stay single for 6 months to show it's not just silly better-party-syndrome - and to save girl #2 from the same drama. If she's really a thoughtful person she would not get involved with you now, anyway.

    Posted by allan January 27, 09 02:47 PM
  1. Listen to all of the people on here who have been there done that, they speak from experience. Marriage is a lot of work and if your not into it 100% it will never work. Your already doubting it because of another woman, if you don't do something now you will always wonder "what if"
    I hope the heck you don't listen to the idiot "Bud"
    Life is too short......
    Good Luck

    Posted by Linda L January 27, 09 02:56 PM
  1. Call it off. Whatever confusion that you feel now for your fiance, you will always feel, particularly if you end up married.

    Posted by Steelhead January 27, 09 03:09 PM
  1. Call off the wedding.

    Posted by AG January 27, 09 03:16 PM
  1. Is the sex with your fiance good?

    Posted by dave January 27, 09 03:19 PM
  1. Marry them both. Life's too short to settle. Lead a double life and make a decision before 7 years (when alimony begins to accrue). That should give you time to kick the tires on both women while even taking a few others for a test drive. God, I wish I was you.

    Posted by biglove January 27, 09 03:30 PM
  1. Tell your fiancee and postpone the wedding. It'll take her a while to process this. Don't make her be the one to pull the plug, she may feel too pressured to make the right decision to postpone (or cancel) and immediately tell you it's OK and let's just get through the wedding and sort it out after. Tell her that you NEED to postpone until you sort out your feelings (and until she has some time to reconsider her commitment to you). She may dump you on the spot but oh well, better to know now than after the house, kids and lawyers. Your doubts are more than cold feet. Man up and postpone. If she accepts the postponement and in a few months you realize that your other feelings are just a crush and you are ready to commit to this woman 100% of your heart and soul, then your marriage will have already benefitted from the power of honesty. Check out marriagebuilders.com for a refreshing look at the power of radical honesty.
    GL to you and her.

    Posted by Jen January 27, 09 03:33 PM
  1. I like all of these comments from the females on this post. You girls are not too bright. Guys cheat. Thats the truth. Sorry if it hurts. If you want the perfect marriage or relationship you are looking for, go back to 1950 and marry someone. If this guy breaks off the wedding, he is gonna hook up with this other girl a few times and realize he should have stayed with his fiance. If he gets married and keeps the other girl on the side for a while, he will show his wife more love so she doesnt get suspicious and catch him.

    Posted by Bud January 27, 09 03:37 PM
  1. Marry the first one so you can get the gifts and then just sleep around with the other girl for as long as possible. Maybe your wife will be open to a threesome with your girlfriend and you end up with the best of both worlds. If the girlfriend gets tired of being the other woman you can always take your wife out and find another girl to replace her. Most women are too stupid and insecure that even if you mess around with a dozen girls over the years she'll beg for you to forgive her for being unsatisfying. Just be sure to wear condoms since you don't want to be supporting some whore you were using on the side. I can give you a name or two of women in Boston that are easy if you want. Just go to Sportsclub/LA and you can take your pick. So many unsatisfied women there, many of them also married so you don;t have to worry about them getting too attached either.

    Posted by Neilcampbell January 27, 09 03:52 PM


    Posted by CULLYMONSTER January 27, 09 03:56 PM
  1. You deserve to spend your forever with someone who you truly are madly, deeply in love with. I dont want to use the world "soulmate" but you know what I mean. Divorce is an ugly, ugly thing and unfortunately it seems inevitable. We have biological forces that cause to act out on our sexual impulses. You won't be able to fight how you feel forever. You & I know both know you would end up cheating on her. It would just be a matter of time. Don't have a tainted marriage. You have to end this relationship now. End it with as much dignity as possible.

    Posted by Situation's Roommate January 27, 09 03:58 PM
  1. ...and why is that the best-case scenario for anyone involved, Bud?

    Posted by Pete January 27, 09 04:02 PM
  1. "Talk to her about it?" Yeah right, that's a great move a month before the wedding. If you're not in 100% BEFORE the wedding, don't get married. End of story.

    Posted by Raffi January 27, 09 04:04 PM
  1. You are only a jerk if you let your current relationship linger on and on without confronting your true feelings. I was in a very similar situation recently. I had been with my boyfriend for five years. He was a wonderful person, loved me deeply and unconditionally and treated me like a queen. Yet all along, in the back of my mind, I had these little doubts. I just never felt 100% about him, but I so wanted to love him that I convinced myself I was just being silly and eventually, I would grow up and learn to feel content with him.

    I wish I had known then what I know now. We finally moved in together. But after about two months, I met someone else and fell madly in love. It was only once I knew what it was like to be truly head over heels for someone that I realized how foolish I had been for those five years. You just can't force yourself to feel totally happy with someone, no matter how wonderful he or she is. All I did was waste five years of his life. It could have been avoided, if I'd just listened to that little inner voice that kept telling me that there was just something missing.

    Don't ignore your doubts. You owe it to yourself to find someone with who you can be unequivocally happy. And you owe it to your fiancee to let her find someone who can love her with all his heart. Don't waste another second of either of your lives.

    Posted by SRae January 27, 09 04:11 PM
  1. I was in the exact same situation years ago. I was having those feelings of "doubt" for a long time before the wedding and chalked it up to cold feet. The person I was to marry was wonderful and would have been great to me so I couldn't understand my feelings; the doubtful feelings as well as those toward another person. If this person is so great then why was I doubting the wedding?, I kept asking myself. I was at the same point, a month before, and as the date got closer and closer I felt worse and worse and wanted nothing to do the plans. So yea, it hurt the person's feelings...A LOT...when I finally called it off but it's better than going through it just to get divorced a year later. We did stay together for a little while after that to see if it would still work but finally ended things. I got together with the other person and we were together for a few years but it didn't last. So I'm still single but I don't regret my decision for a second. Cold feet, nervousness, is one thing. Straight out fear and doubt is another though it is easy to get the two confused. Talk to your fiance, be honest. It will hurt for sure. She may be angry with you...for a long time. But eventually she will be grateful that you were honest rather than leading her into a dishonest marriage .

    Posted by S. January 27, 09 04:19 PM
  1. Hey Bud, if you're married, I hope your wife cheats on you and if you are not married, I hope your future wife will cheat on you.

    from a Not So Dumb female that knows guys cheat.

    Posted by aNotSoDumbFemale January 27, 09 04:19 PM
  1. Marriage is about sacrafice and commitment - two things you know NOTHING about. Do your fiance a favor and break it off....go out with your new cougar for a while, and when you wake up in June - you will have lost them both. It will be exactly what you deserve.

    Posted by Confused My @ZZ January 27, 09 04:29 PM
  1. Don't do it - please give your fiancee the chance and opportunity to figure out if she wants to be with someone like you - confused and uncertain. I married someone and the engagement and marriage was tough. Almost two years later, he revealed that he had doubts about marrying me during the engagement but never said anything to me. He told his friends and they told him it was cold feet. We are now right in the middle of a divorce which frankly, I can't wait until it's over and done with. He blames the divorce on the fact that it 'just wasn't working' and we were 'too different'. The way I look at it, since he wasn't fully committed in the beginning, there was no way it was going to work. You are not ready for this - get out now.

    Posted by Separated January 27, 09 04:35 PM
  1. Do not get married. I went through this very same thing but was the girl who was supposed to get married. During the last month before the wedding I noticed my once loving fiance was different. I confronted him after I had my suspicions and even though he never admitted it I knew in my heart. I was the one who finally said we are not getting married. It was the best decision. I could not be married to someone that did not have complete feelings and an open heart for only me!
    Come to find out he is now with the girl I had my suspicions about.
    I am now married to a man who loves me completely and I couldnt be happier. Do not marry her if your feelings are not only for her!

    Posted by Jillian January 27, 09 05:07 PM
  1. WOW this sounds like my life but my ex actually went through and cheated on me. A month before our wedding he decided to say he had cold feet and wanted to postpone it.. so we did. I should have realized something was up. Then a month after we postponed it, I found out that he had been cheating for 6 months..

    Your thinking about someone else- calling her "is remarkable, beautiful, interesting, intelligent". NOT APPROPRATE.. You need to be honest and end it before you do cheat. If you cheat, that will probably kill her and that so tough to get over.. BELIEVE ME

    Posted by ivebeenthroughit January 27, 09 05:32 PM
  1. There's no such thing as "finding the right person," only BEING the right person. You're not even close to being that person. Marriage is not about scoring the most satisfying prize, it's about giving yourself 100% to a woman. There are literally millions of intelligent, attractive, exciting women in the world, and you will encounter them endlessly. But when you live for another person, that won't threaten your relationship. When you focus on your own satisfaction, you make a mockery of marriage, and usually end up divorced (or simply living in fornication without marrying). The "right" couple are two people willing to serve each other faithfully for the rest of their lives, not two people who are "crazy" about each other. Grow up.

    Posted by Athanasius January 27, 09 05:51 PM
  1. You are a brave man to admit that. Don't listen to all these (man) haters who don't understand how a man's mind works. It will not be an easy thing to admit, but you have to tell your fiance. And if she freaks, then fine, it wasn't meant to be.

    Posted by WildMan January 27, 09 05:56 PM
  1. Hey aNotSoDumbFemale, back to my original post, "wont you dont know cant hurt you." people have been in relationships for years cheating on each other and have been happy. The people who can act normal around each other and not let on that there is cheating goin on are the ones that will stay happy together. The people who write to a lady on Boston.com to ask her what to do are the morons that get caught and ruin everything. If you have to ask advice on the internet, you should just stick to internet dating and chat rooms.

    Posted by Bud January 27, 09 08:22 PM
  1. Wow, that situation really sucks for both of you.
    My thoughts are these, for what they're worth:
    Don't cancel your wedding because of this "other woman", cancel it because you do not want to marry your fiancee.
    If you are going to cancel, do it now.
    Be prepared to pay for the deposits that have been put down on all of the vendors and venue.

    Good luck

    Posted by vigoritoswoman January 27, 09 09:29 PM
  1. Athanasius, great post.

    Posted by energy January 28, 09 11:48 AM
  1. divorce is expensive. call it off.

    Posted by linda January 28, 09 11:52 AM
  1. If I were your woman
    And you were my man
    You'd have no other woman
    You'd be weak as a lamb
    If you had the strenghth
    To walk out that door
    My love would over rule my sense
    And I'd call you back for more

    Posted by PIP January 28, 09 12:16 PM
  1. Linda is right - divorce is expensive. Do her a favor - call it off.

    And I don't really believe you - I think you have already cheated.

    Posted by Situation January 28, 09 01:02 PM
  1. Please don't marry her!

    Posted by Anonymous January 28, 09 01:10 PM
  1. Hey Bud, Why don't you answer my question? If your girl cheated on you, how would like it?

    Posted by aNotSoDumbFemale January 28, 09 01:11 PM
  1. you should not allow yourself to fall in love with someone else while you are engage to be married. You are not confused you are just a jerk. she deserve someone else whot will always be truthful to her and respect her.

    Posted by boston 2008 January 28, 09 01:37 PM
  1. Getting married to my husband is the one thing I have been sure of, and I know my husband felt the same. It's not fair to your fiance to marry her now. Are you only having doubts because of this woman? You said something was missing with your relationship with her. No person deserves to be deceived into marriage to someone who is unsure whether or not he wants to be married.

    Posted by Kat January 28, 09 02:29 PM
  1. Dude, what is wrong with you?
    You love another person, don't get married, it won't end well!

    Posted by Roland January 28, 09 02:39 PM
  1. I was engaged many years ago and found myself in a similar situation: had cold feet and teetered on the brink of having a fling with someone who was wildly inappropriate (for me). After a month of gut wrenching, tumultous and sleepless nights, I ended my relationship with someone who went on to marry the next person who came along.

    For years I questioned that decision until I met someone else. Again engaged, I found myself with the same terror at my impending nuptuals, but went through with my marriage. The second guesses turned gave way to subtle and then obvious signs that this relationship was not built on a solid foundation. Almost 5 years later, that relationship ended painfully and at great expense. In retrospect, I should trusted my instincts and never have married that person.

    Another 5 years passed and I am happily married to a wonderful and special man. The commitment came naturally and the days since have been beautiful. And I am delighted to say that the first man that I was ever engaged to is still happily married to the person that he met after I ended our relationship. Though he was hurt, and very angry with me for a long time, we have both found happiness.

    Take the advice of someone who has (over time) made both choices: End your relationship now, or you will eventually find yourself causing more pain in a situation that is much more difficult and costly to extricate yourself from.

    Posted by A woman who has seen both sides. January 28, 09 03:00 PM
    If there is one iota of doubt or question in your head, CALL IT OFF!!!!! She has
    E V E R Y T H I N G (that is everything you now own and the fruit of all future labor) to gain from marriage. This state protects women as if they are imbecile children of some lesser god that need the care and provisions of a man. And that is without children. Ask her to sign a pre-nuptial agreement, but first if there is ANY doubt; DO NOT GET MARRIED!!!

    Posted by OneSuchSorrySoandSo January 28, 09 03:13 PM
  1. Confused. Does the other woman know you have a fiancee?? If so, then she could look at you as a cheater. When you tell her you do, she could feel that you have not been honest with her. Or, she likes to go out with men who cheat. And if you tell your fiancee about the other woman, she'll be hard pressed to believe you that you didn't cheat. The only solution for you is to move to Montana in the middle of the night.

    Posted by kebdog January 28, 09 04:33 PM
  1. Do yourself a favor and postpone the wedding for now. Give yourself time to think. I was in the same boat as you. I talked to my fiance about it and he assured me that everything would be ok. Meanwhile I was trying to hide and conceal my feelings and attraction towards someone that walked into my life. I was told the same thing "cold feet" and I went through with the wedding. A month and a half later, I separated then divorced. You know in your heart what is right and wrong. If you feel that anything is lacking in your relationship, than that person is not the one for you, no matter how long you have been together.

    Posted by Mheart January 28, 09 04:33 PM
  1. Why did you decided to marry your fiancee in the first place? Because you'd been together for a couple of years and it was the inevitable thing to do? or because you were crazy in love with her and wanted to spend the rest of your life with her? Are you marrying out of comfort or desire?

    No one wants to be second on their boyfriend/fiancee/spouse's list. Would you want someone marrying you, if they found someone whom they were more enthralled with? If you can't put your fiancee at the top of your list, then you shouldn't marry her.

    If you do go through with the marriage, I'd recommend cutting ties with the other woman. You owe it to your future wife to be 100% involved with her and you should remove whatever distractions there may be.

    Posted by NumeroUno January 28, 09 05:09 PM
  1. my fiance dumped me more than 10 years ago and I never found out why. It haunts me. He's married now and so am I and I will never get over it. Deal with your crap now before you wake up at 40 with no answers and too many regrets.

    Posted by confused January 28, 09 07:17 PM
  1. Don't go through with the wedding. I have always believed that when you know you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, no other male/female will matter. You won't want to look at anyone else in that way, you won't have the desire to be with anyone else, you will be happy and satisfied with the one you are with.

    If you are having any sort of doubts, that means you should end it now. Don't worry about regretting it later, because I guarantee that you won't. You may be sad, you may go through the "what ifs" but there will be someone else out there for you. If you can get these two women (both of whom sound great) then I am sure you can get many more. If you are not ready to get married, you shouldn't. You shouldn't do it just because your fiancee wants to, or because you feel like its the right thing to do. You should get married because you want to, and because you are happy to and excited too. I know too many people who got married for the wrong reasons, and trust me, IT NEVER LASTS.

    Don't worry about the deposits you will lose with the vendors, etc. Losing that money is cheaper than the money you will spend on a divorce, and end up paying in alimony or child support.

    Do yourself and your fiancee a favor and call off the wedding please. This should be the happiest day of your life, and you should be ready and excited to give yourself to another person.

    Posted by GetOutNow January 28, 09 07:41 PM
  1. Don't go through with the marriage if you think you're in love with someone else. You're fiance deserves better than that.

    Posted by Karen January 29, 09 05:59 PM
  1. So, let me get this straight: you and your fiancé hit it off on your first date, and you and this other woman hit it off, also, instantly. Hmmm....anyone else seeing a pattern here? Perhaps you are more in love with the first rush of excitement and feelings you get when its all new and fresh....which means that if you call off your wedding and be with this other woman, eventually you'll be moving on from her, too. What made you want to ask your fiance to marry you? You pretty much described both women as being the same: attractive, intelligent, fun....so in what ways have you "connected deeper" with this other woman? How is it that she "gets you" (I'm assuming she does) and the woman you asked to share your life with does not? Sounds to me like you aren't ready to commit to anyone yet.

    Posted by Yoshimi January 29, 09 06:48 PM
  1. I was engaged and fell for someone else. After a lot of agonizing, promises to keep away from the other person, and so on, I broke off the engagement. The act of trying to make my fiancee happy in the face of my potential infidelity sucked the enjoyment out of our relationship. Which, to be frank, wasn't so great before this new person came in.

    I'm still with the person I fell for. Granted, we've only been together a year, but it's hardly the 3-4 week fling and then regret it that everyone here is talking about. We're still going strong. We have no expectations about whether this leads to marriage or not. Would be nice if it did, but if not, that's life.

    It's easier to do this now than in a few years after you're married with a child. Move one.

    Posted by DaiGaKu January 30, 09 01:22 PM
  1. If something is "missing" it will never be good enough. Your fiance (and you) deserve better than this. Call the wedding off.

    Posted by married with children February 3, 09 07:26 PM
  1. Be honest with your fiancé. And definitely call off the wedding. In order to be happily married you need to respect your spouse. By concealing how you feel you are not respecting her.

    As far as being confused it seems as though you are not ready to be married right now. Take time for yourself and do some soul searching. Be patient (with yourself). When you are ready and the right person comes along it will be magical.

    Posted by Moriah February 3, 09 10:32 PM
  1. "I'm getting married next month, but I think I'm in love with another woman."

    You're not in any predicament at all. You're not married - nothing to salvage in terms of broken commitment (legal, ethical or spiritual). Save your fiance from you - let her go, she deserves more than this lie you have perpetuated throughout your relationship.

    Not sure why you are confused - seems very clear to me.

    Posted by marj February 5, 09 09:29 AM
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Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.

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