Today's letter comes from a woman in a warmer place. Let's help her out, shall we?
Q: For the past five years I've been dating a younger man who is in his early 30s whereas I'm in my mid-40s. In June he'll be finishing his dissertation then looking for job. He doesn't feel he can offer me a more permanent relationship as he wants to get a steady job. Although I don't need for him to financially support me, he's more "old school" and feels it's important for his own pride and esteem that he has something to offer me. I'm not sure if it's just an excuse to not marry me or that he really wants to establish himself before deciding to marry me. I feel at times foolish for finding myself in this scenario, then again, I've been quite happy being with him. My question is: Should I wait another year for him to get that job or should I just end it in June and move on?
CACougar, Santa Barbara
A: Ah, grad students. They love to delay the inevitable, don’t they?
Kidding. Some of my best friends are grad students.
Look, CACougar, I get it when a 22-year-old man says he needs to “establish himself” before committing. I don’t get it when a 30something man tells a 40something woman that he needs more time to evolve.
You’re ready. You’re willing to accept him as an unemployed PhD. You have the right to know whether he’s willing to commit – now. The wedding can come later. That’s just a party. But he should be able to tell you whether he’s in or out. Ask him: In or out? Readers? Your thoughts? Share here.