What happens after a bad third date? Let's help Love Stinks decide.
Q: I went on my third date with a 30-year-old guy I met online. He and I have (or had) a great connection. But on our third date, I saw a whole new side of him. We went out to dinner, and the restaurant we chose was packed and had an hour wait. So, we went to the bar, which was also crowded, and my date suggested we make friends with this man who was sitting at an empty table by himself. The man was in his 40s and my date seemed to really hit it off with this stranger. They lived in the same city. The man started buying rounds of drinks for us. I started talking to this guy too, and I thought all was well. This man happened to be going to a comedy show upstairs at the restaurant, and my date decided he wanted to go too. I told our new friend “you should try and sit with us at the show.” When my date came back from cancelling our seat for dinner and purchasing the tickets, he was clearly in a bad mood. He was very silent. When we went upstairs on our own, he began to tell me he was going to leave me at the restaurant with our new friend from the bar. He started yelling at me and flailing his arms about. I was like, “You’re the one who told me to be friends with him. I was only being nice. Besides, I thought you two were BFFs.” My date continued to say he wanted this night to be between him and I, and he now wanted to leave. I offered to pay him for my ticket and to then take me home. He was like “Fine.” But when the comedians came on during our fight, my date decided he wanted to stay. And so we did. The rest of the night was pretty much ruined for me, except for the fact that I got hammered on Mai Tai’s and acted like a complete idiot (remember I hadn’t had anything to eat).
After the show (when we finally went downstairs to eat), I learned even more about him. He was previously in a 4 year relationship, and I asked what happened, and he said, “Basically every time she walked into a room and I saw her face, I thought, ‘Wow, I really (profanity) hate you.’” Long story short, later that night he kept asking me to come back to his place, or for him to stay at mine. That did not happen.
So my question is, what should I do now? Is he a (profanity) or should I chalk it up to be a misunderstanding? We haven’t spoken since, but I really thought we could have had something. Should I be alarmed by his behavior and move on? Should I e-mail him and apologize for A.) Supposedly paying more attention to that random guy than him, and B.) Getting drunk? To give you some background on myself, I’m a 25-year-old woman and have been single for about a year and a half. I feel like I am never going to meet anyone and the majority of my friends are now happily engaged or in relationships. I am extremely outgoing and social.
-- Love Stinks
A: The first five dates of any relationship are about finding out if someone is a real romantic prospect -- or if they’re a weird, inconsiderate, moody twit. You got your answer on date three. Good for you.
So often with online dating, people have done so much leg work to get to the actual date that they start forgiving unforgivable behavior. There’s no future with this guy. It’s disappointing. But there’s no need to apologize, give him fourth chances, etc. Allow yourself to be disappointed. When you’re ready, get back out there.
Also -- in the future, when you’re frustrated on a bad date, please don’t get drunk on Mai Tais, at least not in the presence of your bad date. It’s not safe (or classy). Next time (and yes, there will be a next time), excuse yourself from the bad date and have those Mai Tais with a friend you trust. That’s what friends are for.
You’re only 25. There’s plenty of time for more bad dates – and some good ones. No need to settle just because your friends are coupling off.
Readers? Should Love Stinks give this guy another chance? Should she apologize? What happened here? Share you opinion here. Submit your own letter here. If you haven't read the hilarious comments on last week's staring letter, you can find them here.
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Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.