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Is he worth a fourth date?

Posted by Meredith Goldstein  March 9, 2009 11:18 AM

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What happens after a bad third date? Let's help Love Stinks decide.

Q: I went on my third date with a 30-year-old guy I met online. He and I have (or had) a great connection. But on our third date, I saw a whole new side of him. We went out to dinner, and the restaurant we chose was packed and had an hour wait. So, we went to the bar, which was also crowded, and my date suggested we make friends with this man who was sitting at an empty table by himself. The man was in his 40s and my date seemed to really hit it off with this stranger. They lived in the same city. The man started buying rounds of drinks for us. I started talking to this guy too, and I thought all was well. This man happened to be going to a comedy show upstairs at the restaurant, and my date decided he wanted to go too. I told our new friend “you should try and sit with us at the show.” When my date came back from cancelling our seat for dinner and purchasing the tickets, he was clearly in a bad mood. He was very silent. When we went upstairs on our own, he began to tell me he was going to leave me at the restaurant with our new friend from the bar. He started yelling at me and flailing his arms about. I was like, “You’re the one who told me to be friends with him. I was only being nice. Besides, I thought you two were BFFs.” My date continued to say he wanted this night to be between him and I, and he now wanted to leave. I offered to pay him for my ticket and to then take me home. He was like “Fine.” But when the comedians came on during our fight, my date decided he wanted to stay. And so we did. The rest of the night was pretty much ruined for me, except for the fact that I got hammered on Mai Tai’s and acted like a complete idiot (remember I hadn’t had anything to eat).

After the show (when we finally went downstairs to eat), I learned even more about him. He was previously in a 4 year relationship, and I asked what happened, and he said, “Basically every time she walked into a room and I saw her face, I thought, ‘Wow, I really (profanity) hate you.’” Long story short, later that night he kept asking me to come back to his place, or for him to stay at mine. That did not happen.

So my question is, what should I do now? Is he a (profanity) or should I chalk it up to be a misunderstanding? We haven’t spoken since, but I really thought we could have had something. Should I be alarmed by his behavior and move on? Should I e-mail him and apologize for A.) Supposedly paying more attention to that random guy than him, and B.) Getting drunk? To give you some background on myself, I’m a 25-year-old woman and have been single for about a year and a half. I feel like I am never going to meet anyone and the majority of my friends are now happily engaged or in relationships. I am extremely outgoing and social.

-- Love Stinks

A: The first five dates of any relationship are about finding out if someone is a real romantic prospect -- or if they’re a weird, inconsiderate, moody twit. You got your answer on date three. Good for you.

So often with online dating, people have done so much leg work to get to the actual date that they start forgiving unforgivable behavior. There’s no future with this guy. It’s disappointing. But there’s no need to apologize, give him fourth chances, etc. Allow yourself to be disappointed. When you’re ready, get back out there.

Also -- in the future, when you’re frustrated on a bad date, please don’t get drunk on Mai Tais, at least not in the presence of your bad date. It’s not safe (or classy). Next time (and yes, there will be a next time), excuse yourself from the bad date and have those Mai Tais with a friend you trust. That’s what friends are for.

You’re only 25. There’s plenty of time for more bad dates – and some good ones. No need to settle just because your friends are coupling off.

Readers? Should Love Stinks give this guy another chance? Should she apologize? What happened here? Share you opinion here. Submit your own letter here. If you haven't read the hilarious comments on last week's staring letter, you can find them here.

-- Meredith

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62 comments so far...
  1. Rico suggests...

    Move on to the next guy, this one is a lost cause and a loser that deserves nothing in return, no explanation, no calls, emails, texts, etc...You go on date 4 and you are adding fuel to the fire. 25 is still young and there are plenty of guys out there, be open minded to your search and have some fun. Go to bars, clubs, charity events etc...you'll meet the right guy in time and you'll know it is right and you won't be emailing meredith for advice, YOU WILL KNOW. I see so many girls that put age limits or height or other limits on meeting men...age is a number not an attitude and height is not controllable but personality and compatibility can make up for lack of height. You can date guys your height or even shorter and age as I said is a number, see who he is, not how old.

    No need to read further, I am the master at straight-up good advice.

    Have anice monday,


    Posted by Rico March 9, 09 11:57 AM
  1. ...You could always go for date 4, suggest a nice expensive restaurant and suggest there is something special you had in mind to lead his mind to the gutter...go to dinner, order expensive food and wine, eat and enjoy then around desert ordering go ahead and order then excuse yourself to the bathroom. Go straight to the door and out to the bar/club to meet your friends, don't look back and enjoy the night with a full belly and a smile...he is an idiot, you deserve better.

    Evile but fun, tell us how it goes!!!

    Posted by Evil but fun March 9, 09 12:01 PM
  1. What Rico said.

    Posted by Dan March 9, 09 12:15 PM
  1. Did you get the 40-yr-old-guy's number?

    Posted by jw March 9, 09 12:21 PM
  1. Do not contact him--just because all your friends are with someone, doesnt mean you have to be too. There is a lot of pressure to be steady with someone at your age but trust me, if you get tied down just to be dating you're wasting your time (first hand experience from my 20's talking here) and may get stuck in a relationship because you dont want to be alone

    Keep looking--its alot easier to find someone at your age than you think!

    Posted by E March 9, 09 12:31 PM
  1. evil but fun, you are the reason girls' get [bad] stereotypes. i'm with rico.

    Posted by anon March 9, 09 12:42 PM
  1. I echo that...what Rico said.

    Or, you could just use some common sense. Geez...

    Posted by Jon March 9, 09 01:01 PM
  1. Rico, you're such the master! What does any of this have to do with age or height? It's obvious you're a short older guy who wants to date young taller chicks. If someone wants to put so called limits, let them, just because you don't fit the bill who are you to judge them?

    Posted by Scooter March 9, 09 01:01 PM
  1. That guy doesn't sound like he is ready to date - it comes across to me like he has a grudge still from his other relationship and carried that forward into the third date with you. Plus he had other intentions for the evening anyways, that were clear at the end of the date. I would let it go with a smile.

    By the way, you have PLENTY of time to meet someone. Ten years from now - more than half of your friends that are engaged are going to be divorced - its just a simple truth. Take some time to determine what you want and then take your time looking for it. And chalk this date up for a good laugh the next time you are out with your friends having a drink....

    Posted by spaceman March 9, 09 01:01 PM
  1. Heck no, she shouldn't give him another chance!! Know your worth! Know how valuable you are and what you deserve. The reason why you're having doubts about this guy is because deep down you know you deserve a whole lot better. So let this one fall to the sides, pick your head up and move onto the next.


    Posted by EJ02169 March 9, 09 01:02 PM
  1. OK, you are waaaaaay too young for all this drama about never finding someone. My advice is to quit your moping, have some pride, and ditch the weirdo (he's a loser, and you know it). You aren't on any kind of timeline and you need to grow up and stop measuring yourself against your friends. Dating obvious losers out of some contrived sense of desperation is really NOT the way to go.

    Also, stop getting wasted on dates. It's incredibly tacky. If you're having a bad time, just end the date already.

    Posted by SRae March 9, 09 01:03 PM
  1. Can you imagine being 40, married to this guy and not being able to escape how he makes you feel about yourself? Don't beat yourself up over having a bunch of mai tais - they were a form of escape from a bad situation and feeling bad about yourself. If he wasn't such a jerk, you wouldn't have touched the stuff.

    You don't need to spend your life second guessing this guy's moods or hoping that somehow you can "change" and "help" him. It takes too much work and focus from who you are and trying to be. You're 25. You have plenty of time to meet other people and have a family.

    Like math, a negative number is considered lower than zero... so logic dictates that not being in a relationship is better than being in a negative one. Take the pressure off yourself to "find" someone and you'll find the right guy.

    Posted by lolipopp March 9, 09 01:05 PM
  1. Sounds like the Comedy Studio above the Hong Kong....been there, done that...good times! The date I took there talked during the comedians and was quickly made fun of....by THE Comedians!! That was my last date with them!!

    Posted by Knuck Knuck Knuck March 9, 09 01:08 PM
  1. I'm like, "Wow, at least there is, you know, SOMEone with an IQ that is sooo lower than mine." Don't worry babe, just be happy.

    Posted by Bony Melon March 9, 09 01:09 PM
  1. "Evil but fun", and what will that accomplish, other than giving women a bad rep?

    Posted by Amit March 9, 09 01:15 PM
  1. Date #3 traditionally used to be, at least when I was in my 20s, the one where it's more socially acceptable/expected for one of you to go home with the other. This has a better chance of happening, psychologists say, when a date is "exciting" like if you go to a scary movie, do something adventurous like bungee-jump, or otherwise get the heart pounding with a shared out-of-the-norm experience.

    So, let's see--LoserBoy decides tonight's sthe night, and dinner isn't going to be enough .... So he scams a strange guy to buy you both drinks (how crazy! how naughty! how conspiratorial!), decides being spontaneous with the comedy club shows you he's a little unpredictable, a little wild .. and he doesn't clue you into this plan until he sees you taking a human interest in the rube. Then he gets petulant ...

    And if you were drunk and hungry, he probably was too--which explains this whole dissing of his ex. That sounds to me like he was being a little too truthful in the way only Bud Wiser can make a guy.

    Regardless of how much of an idiot you said you were (I do wonder what he would write Meredith saying about you), the date was a disaster all around. Considering you haven't heard from him to apologize, he either feels too humilated or too miffed you didn't succumb to his manliness. Which tells me either way he's a loser and you're better off without him.

    And don't let your friends being paired off bother you too much--I'm single in my late 30s, and I felt envious until I found out how most of my married friends complain their marriages are boring/unhappy/discontented/dysfunctional--a few couples are even in counseling. The grass will ALWAYS be greener no matter the side of the fence you're on--they probably envy you your freedom and possibilities.

    Posted by Madra March 9, 09 01:19 PM
  1. The guy sounds like he actually gay and liked that "new guy" and tried to make it all look like your fault. Lucky that you found out NOW. I don't blame you for having the extra Mai Tai's to get through it all - BUT NEXT TIME THAT HAPPENS -- JUST LEAVE AND DON'T LOOK BACK (There are alot of women beaters & haters & totally confused idiots out there that love to ALWAYS BLAME THE WOMAN (especially if you show signs that you think it might be your fault).

    Posted by Been around March 9, 09 01:19 PM
  1. No more dates. I know how you feel (I was debating going on a fourth date with a guy that I couldn't even stand to talk to), but it's just not worth it. There's a lot of pressure, culturally, on women to put up with a lot of weird, offensive, and downright inappropriate behavior, and a similar pressure for women to apologize and take responsibility for a date gone wrong when it wasn't her fault.

    I wouldn't contact him again; either he knows that the date was a bust, or he'll contact you, and you can politely and firmly decline.

    Posted by sabend March 9, 09 01:22 PM
  1. The guy clearly has some issues and appears like he needs to grow up some. I would chalk it up to a funny date that you will remember and laugh about with your friends. You have plenty of time to find someone right for you. Also - don't fall into the trap of watching all your other friends in relationships and engagements - just remember that in 10 years more than half of them will either (1) not be with that person anymore, or (2) divorced from that person. Try focusing on what makes a good relationship for you, and recognizing the signs when someone falls out of that zone (such as this clown)...

    Posted by spaceman March 9, 09 01:24 PM
  1. Move on from this guy. He showed his true colors and you will spend all your time with him wondering when the real him will show himself again. The whole situation was weird.

    also, you are only 25. I know it feels lonely but you WILL find someone ... if you know when to cut your losses from the ones that aren't working out. Consider yourself lucky that you haven't fallen in love with him and move on.

    Also, what others have said about the drinking: you need to stop that. Like Meredith says, not safe.

    Posted by susan March 9, 09 01:24 PM
  1. NEVER EVER EVER get wasted in public with people you don't know very, very well (better yet, how about never getting drunk in public at all?!). You made yourself very vulnerable and if this guy had been dangerous we could have been reading about you in the headlines of The Globe instead of the Love Letters section. You also behaved like an idiot yourself (no excuses, please). Rather than focusing on his bad behavior which you can't control, you need to focus on your own bad behavior, which is totally under your control.

    You're right, he does sound like a [jerk], but we're only hearing your perspective (and you were drunk, remember?). I would not contact him, but if he contacts you, I would apologize for getting drunk and talk about what happened. How he handles that conversation will tell you whether he's worth another date. I might consider giving it one more date, just to find out it this was an aberrance or this is just the way he is. There might have been something that happened during the evening that sent him over the top. It sounds to me like you thought you, as a couple, were being friendly with this other guy. But it seems that your date felt you were letting this other guy insert himself into your date and maybe even flirting. That said, now you know what he's like when he's feeling threatened - can you live with it?

    Posted by Nancy G March 9, 09 01:29 PM
  1. Move on. The guy is a crank and you know it but you are just waiting for someone to validate it. Now I have done it.

    Get some sleep, relax, have no further contact with 3 date wingnut, and get involved with group activities (cooking class, adult ed., sports clubs, etc.) to increase opportunities to meet real guys.

    Hoss has spoken

    Posted by Hoss March 9, 09 01:31 PM
  1. Run fast, run far, and thank your lucky stars that he didn't get physical. He sounds like he is the type to throw a punch at you and make it be your fault. I went out with a creep like this on a couple of dates. We went to the movies once. The next week he took me to the movies, pointed at the poster of the movie we had just seen the week before, and told me that if I hadn't seen it, it was worth going to. When we left the theature he walked right by my car (blue Volvo) and stood next to a white Honda. When I asked what he was doing he said he was waiting to me to unlock the door. I told him that that wasn't my car, that it was probably "the other girls" and I left him standing in the parking lot. Chalk it up to meeting a loser online, and move onto the next guy.

    Posted by J Bar March 9, 09 01:39 PM
  1. Another thought....what you could have done when the date started to go sour was to just keep quiet and start staring at him....it's a great way to show that you are interested - and he probably would have just calmed right down and fell in love with you.

    Posted by spaceman March 9, 09 01:41 PM
  1. This is the kind of guy that will help you appreciate the great guy you meet down the road. You're so young and have PLENTY of time. Don't settle.

    Posted by alicat March 9, 09 01:43 PM
  1. How this person is even asking if they should go on another date with this guy is beyond me. Is she serious? Why would one even contemplate it? Good Lord, have some self respect.

    Posted by msg813 March 9, 09 01:46 PM
  1. Wow…I didn’t think Albert DeSalvo was still on Match. All kinds of flags are flying here. I hate to preach, but alcohol has a way of relaxing us while at the same time, exposing our inner demons. Thankfully you found out your date’s anger management issues before too much time was invested. You know the answer to your question…and you surely don’t need to feel pressure to settle down at 25. I might suggest that you take your own mode of transportation to these meetings while you realize that a means of egress is as important as a ‘Dear John’ letter. If you do run into the guy again, please tell him to stop staring at his co-worker…It’s creepy.

    Posted by valentino March 9, 09 01:51 PM
  1. I am a 38 year old guy and I just became happily engaed for the first time. Back in my single days I had been on many bad dates and I know just that personality type from experience - It's called PSYCHOTIC!!!!! But in my desperation and lonliness I put up with all kinds of things things that I can't even imagine at this time. Bottom line - You are VERY young. Don't do this to yourself! You have plenty of time to find someone nice and the key for me was to just STOP looking.

    That said, I would get as FAR AWAY from this guy as you can. Ignore his calls and change your number if you have to. The fact that he even said ANYTHING about his ex is disgusting and demeaning to you, but what he said was not only disgusting and demeaning - its disturbing! Is that how he is going to look at YOU someday? Will he (expletive) hate YOUR face too? Dump this fool and don't even give him another thought, please!

    Posted by MP March 9, 09 01:54 PM
  1. If he acted that badly on a third date, think of how he'll act after 3 months, 3 years...etc. he is not the guy you're looking for!

    Posted by thinkpositive March 9, 09 01:59 PM
  1. He blew it by getting all mean and surly. Don't waste your time on him.

    You also blew it by getting drunk and "acting like an idiot."

    Game over.

    Posted by CD March 9, 09 02:08 PM
  1. Wow, that guy does sounds like a disaster. Stay away - far, far away.

    Posted by Anonymous March 9, 09 02:18 PM
  1. Meredith was right on. Do not go out with this guy again. And I agree - in the future it isn't good to get drunk with a guy that sounds so volatile.

    Posted by Move On March 9, 09 02:27 PM
  1. The guy was rude and disrespectful. Don't have anything more to do with him. You deserve better. Be glad you are rid of him! He showed his true colors that night.
    Next time, switch to soda or water after the first drink. Your head will be clear and you'll be thankful in the morning. Remember, it's not about the destination, it's about the journey. Good luck on your journey!

    Posted by auntie m March 9, 09 02:31 PM
  1. Kick this Larry to the curb.

    Posted by Russell March 9, 09 02:35 PM
  1. Scooter - Rico's right. Too many women I know have superficial requirments for men like height (my best friend) or hair (my sister) which means they pass over otherwise nice guys and end up single because they don't look past these things at the quality of the guy underneath.

    As for the poster - no way. Don't bother with a guy who behaves like that.

    Posted by Red March 9, 09 03:21 PM
  1. Rico you should have your own dating column somewhere.

    Posted by bostonam1525 March 9, 09 03:40 PM
  1. Don't bother with him. And while Nancy G has a point about being vulnerable when drunk, you seriously shouldn't have to apologize to this guy. Everyone has gotten drunk and stupid, so whatever, no big deal. If everything was going great, and you puked on him, sure apologize. I married the guy I got super ridiculously drunk in front of on our 3rd date. Not a recipe for success, but its doesn't have to be a recipe for disaster. It sounds like this guy was the recipe for disaster. If he was the type of guy you want, he'd likely have asked you calmly what the deal was if he thought you were being flirtatious, or something. Do you really want someone who flips their lid every time they get jealous?

    Posted by ll March 9, 09 03:42 PM
  1. This sounds like my ex-husband... Run! Run like hell!

    Posted by happilydivorced March 9, 09 03:44 PM
  1. What Rico said!!

    That guy showed his true colors. You CAN NOT go on date #4!

    Im guessing all this went down at Kowloon!

    Posted by RobinS March 9, 09 03:50 PM
  1. Rico loves the support!!!

    Seriously, I would love to put out my own column, maybe I will start something soon and let you all know about it and where to find me. Not just dating advice, but advice on anything you want to ask me since I have plenty of opinions.

    Blunt, to the point, straight shooting...Sometimes people need to hear the truth. What was it that Jack Nicholson said in "A Few Good Men"? "You can't handle the truth!"

    Well people, I am ready to tell you all thr truth and hopefully soon I can share that truth with the masses...Till tomorrows question/answer from Emredith...Have a good night.

    Any chance the poster of the question would liek to update us on what her thinking is now?

    Posted by Rico March 9, 09 03:58 PM
  1. I think Lollipop has the right idea, she needs her own column: Like math, a negative number is considered lower than zero... so logic dictates that not being in a relationship is better than being in a negative one. Take the pressure off yourself to "find" someone and you'll find the right guy. I'm writing that on my bathroom mirror.

    Posted by shouldaputaringonit March 9, 09 04:09 PM
  1. Maya Angelou said it best, "The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them." I think that pretty much sums it up...move on!

    Posted by Kcgee79 March 9, 09 04:13 PM
  1. The only positive in the whole night was that you didn't hook up with him.

    Consider yourself lucky that you dodged a bullet, and never ever consider going on another date with someone who treats you poorly on a previous date. People who date are generally on their best behavior -- if that's his best, you don't want to be there for the worst.

    Posted by Jennie March 9, 09 04:13 PM
  1. Half of your 25 year old engaged/married friends will end up divorced. Not just saying that to be depressing, it's fact in the U.S (I'm a member of the unlucky divorced half). Believe me... better to keep at it and look for the right one for you than to settle because everyone else has paired up. You'll much happier than half of your friends when all is said and done, and will save yourself a ton of heartache when later on it becomes more serious and this guy lets you down again.

    Posted by beenthere March 9, 09 04:21 PM
  1. Bad date all around....but you were all drinking so I wonder if you became a little (too) flirtatious with the other guy? And if he was also under the influence he would over-react and get jealous. I'm not defending him but I also think there is more to this story.

    Posted by Anonymous March 9, 09 04:28 PM
  1. I agree with Been Around, I think your date was (possibly unconciously) trying to hit on your older friend. Who know why he changed his mind, but he did and tried to blame it on you. Being a self-loathing gay leads to a lot of wierd, misogynistic behavior.

    Or he's just an erratic, selfish, out of touch jerk.

    Either way, there's really no future to this. You might forgive it for now, but there's no forgetting.

    Posted by ClosetCaseDetector March 9, 09 04:31 PM
  1. i married at 25, and now at 34 am divorced. WAIT WAIT WAIT - date as many guys as you can - and don't take crap from any of them. Live your life for YOU

    Posted by me March 9, 09 04:38 PM
  1. Ok, Are we (the public) getting punk'ed? How could you even consider a guy who states "everytime I saw her face..I thought about how much I hate her" Er? um? Yeah, this is called foreshadowing and guess who the next gal he is going to hate. So, here is the plan:
    1. Drop him (this means...when he calls - act like an adult and tell him politely that you no longer are interested) 2. Do inventory on yourself. For you to EVEN WONDER/QUESTION whether or not to go on a 4th date tells us you have low self worth. loneliness? he is the best your going to get? boredom? then go and write of things you would like to do, read, or see and go and live your life! GOOD LUCK sweetie!

    Posted by Lisa March 9, 09 05:28 PM
  1. Do not apologize! If he apologizes to you (as he should), gracefully accept his apology, but do NOT go out with him again. His behavior on that date is a pretty good indicator of what he will be like in the future. Anyone can behave for a date or two!
    Do you want to meet a really nice guy who has interests that interest you? Take a class you've always wanted to take (splurge--use what you would have spent on drinks meeting someone at a bar). Go to business networking events. Volunteer. You might not meet Mr. Right or Mr. Right Away, but you will increase your odds of making friends and you'll be enjoying life rather than waiting for it to happen!

    Posted by Kyle March 9, 09 05:32 PM
  1. Three dates is not love...it's lust with potential. Life is too short to make concessions for life with a hostile boor.

    Posted by Chocolate Chip March 9, 09 05:46 PM
  1. As a very wise person once said to me, "This is the kind of situation that you have to say thank you for - as in, thank you for showing me what you're really like NOW, instead of later when you're married to this jackass with 3 kids."

    This part: "When my date came back from cancelling our seat for dinner and purchasing the tickets, he was clearly in a bad mood. He was very silent. When we went upstairs on our own, he began to tell me he was going to leave me at the restaurant with our new friend from the bar. He started yelling at me and flailing his arms about." truly disturbs me. At MINIMUM, you're looking at the early signs of an emotionally abusive relationship - he's 1) threatening you, 2) punishing you, and 3) blaming you for a situation he created. Emotional abuse doesn't "get better" with another date. That I can promise you.

    Don't contact him, don't talk to him if he tries to get in touch with you. Leave it alone, and consider yourself lucky lucky lucky that you saw this side of him now, before you had anything invested in him. People like this guy thrive on manipulating emotions and killing self-esteem. The longer you leave open the door for contact with him, the worse it will become when you try to get away from him.

    And do yourself a favor - don't forget this experience. You learned something from that date, whether you see it now or not. The lesson here is that NOTHING is worth putting up with that kind of disrespectful, demeaning, and unpredictable treatment. You also learned that it's not a good idea to drink heavily around people you don't trust. And hopefully, you learned to trust your instincts. Y'know, that little voice that told you to cut your date short when he acted like a jackass, before you went upstairs? Listen to it more closely next time.

    Posted by miltato March 9, 09 05:47 PM
  1. it doesn't really sound like there's much to wonder about. he's clearly a strange dude, at best and at worst he's a complete lunatic. trust me, they are out there. but beyond that, he hasn't called you either so maybe you don't really have a big decision to make after all.

    Posted by bored March 9, 09 05:53 PM
  1. BU-BYE!!!

    Most people in general when dating are on their best behavior for at LEAST the first month!!!! This guy is bad bad bad news...

    Sweetie this is a HUGE red flag that he is a potential abuser... not saying he IS but this IS a red flag.

    Do NOT email him and apologize.. you did nothing wrong with regards to 'his' buddy.

    Posted by KimberlyM March 9, 09 06:45 PM
  1. BU-BYE!!!

    Most people in general when dating are on their best behavior for at LEAST the first month!!!! This guy is bad bad bad news...

    Sweetie this is a HUGE red flag that he is a potential abuser... not saying he IS but this IS a red flag.

    Do NOT email him and apologize.. you did nothing wrong with regards to 'his' buddy.

    Posted by KimberlyM March 9, 09 06:51 PM
  1. I got an interesting vibe from this story. I think the dude (her date) was actually "cruising" the male friend they met. Then, for some reason which isn't fully explained or understood, it all sort of went south, and the date then turned his anger and frustration on her. In other words, in addition to being an unbelievable jerk, I think there's a good possibility he's a closeted gay guy. It's a classic (if brief) example of what happens when gay guys try to live straight... he turned it around on the girl, making it seem like it was her fault and accusing her of flirting with the male friend... I think there's a LOT more to this story, especially with regard to the guy.

    Posted by yellow March 9, 09 08:50 PM
  1. I told our new friend “you should try and sit with us at the show.”

    Bad comment. I mean, come on.

    Posted by chuck amidon March 9, 09 11:01 PM
  1. Count yourself lucky that you stayed safe, and forget about this guy. I agree with Meredith and others, be very careful getting drunk around someone you don't know very well. Even more important, drive yourself and/or keep an emergency cash stash that is enough for cab fare to get you home from wherever you are.

    Posted by notworthit March 9, 09 11:50 PM
  1. Agree with this statement in #28: "The fact that he even said ANYTHING about his ex is disgusting and demeaning to you, but what he said was not only disgusting and demeaning - its disturbing!" Especially, 'its disturbing!"

    What an obnoxious jerk he must be - consider yourself lucky - you found out early.

    Don't rush into anything just to have someone - when a good guy does come along you will know it. In fact, you already know that you shouldn't go on that 4th date - see! Trust your instincts, enjoy your singledom, When you get married, hopefully it will be lifelong - you want someone whose character is worthy of you.

    Posted by marj March 9, 09 11:54 PM
  1. Yellow - I thought the exact same thing! What guys start buddying up with another guy while he's on a date with a woman? Closet cases!!
    Don't even think about this guy again. Kyle is right that you need to do things for you that interest you. Take care of yourself. You have plenty of time. Even if you were 45 the answer would be the same. Move on and enjoy life. There are worse things than being single. Imagine being married to that creep!

    Posted by Rozzierat March 10, 09 12:55 AM
  1. Good grief! What compells people to feel like they need to "couple", or that their lives are somehow inferior unless they're coupled? Enjoy your self and your life, let good people in if and when you want, and don't suffer jerks.

    Posted by Slash March 10, 09 02:54 AM
  1. (profanity) online dating, go to a bar, look good, spray some sexy perfume on.


    Posted by eassy March 10, 09 04:23 PM
  1. Simple: shut it down. No contact, no fourth date. The guy is a kook. And listen, you're 25...I'd probably have overserved myself on Mai Tai's at your age if I was on such a disaster of a date. We both know it's not the best idea, but it's totally understandable. Don't beat yourself up about that, but by all means, get it out of your head that you should apologize to him.
    You've got an optimistic spirit and will find someone wonderful.

    Posted by Jetta March 13, 09 03:23 PM
ABOUT LOVE LETTERS: Welcome to Love Letters, the place for love advice (giving and getting). Globe relationship columnist Meredith Goldstein and Boston.com readers are ready to take your letters and tell you what's what. Have a question? Click here to submit or email us at loveletters@boston.com.
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Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.

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