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Loves his wife -- and his ex

Posted by Meredith Goldstein  March 27, 2009 02:37 AM

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Is this a narcissistic midlife-crisis crush? That's my take on it, but you decide...

Q: I am a 48-year old man. My wife of 23 years discovered that I was communicating with my college ex-girlfriend, who sought me out and reconnected with me last summer by e-mail after a 25-year separation (she broke it off). My ex is married (she says happily, but I'm not so sure, otherwise why contact me?) to a famous Hollywood filmmaker, and has two older teenagers. Three months ago, my wife intruded into my BlackBerry, saw that we were flirting nostalgically, and disrupted our reconnection by sending her notes, pretending to be me. My ex is now afraid to communicate with me for fear that my wife will intercept her messages that are meant for me.

I love my wife dearly, but I still have strong feelings for my ex and do not want to lose touch with her. I hate the silence and miss her terribly. I'm concerned that she might be in an unhappy relationship. I also want to see her someday. I've talked to my wife several times about this situation (she has been somewhat understanding), and even though I'm honestly committed to our marriage, she doesn't want me to stay in touch with my ex at all (my wife thinks my ex is trying to manipulate me and build a second life after her nest empties).

Can I keep my wife happy and also keep in touch with my ex, who I still love deep down? Also, I can't believe my ex would try to manipulate me - how do I know if that's the case?

-- Steve M., Washington D.C.

A: Steve M., you’ve asked, “Can I keep my wife happy and also keep in touch with my ex who I still love deep down?”

Here’s my answer: No.

Your ex is a fantasy. After 25 years, you don’t know her. She was probably bored and daydreaming when she looked you up. And you were just bored enough to answer. It doesn’t mean she’s your long lost soul mate.

This “concern that she might be in an unhappy relationship” … come on. You’ve made it clear that you hope your ex is miserable and thinking of you. I’d hate to call you a stereotypical, 40-something man experiencing the most predictable midlife crisis ever -- but, well, I guess I just did.

Sorry. It’s tough-love Friday.

I understand that this blast from your past is exciting, but take a look at what’s in front of you – the wife you “love dearly.” Stop playing pretend. Stop getting caught up in a make-believe drama involving an ex and her high-profile husband. You’ve been married for 23 years. Respect the history of that union. It trumps a college girlfriend, who, by the way, has told you that she's happily married.

When you’re ready to accept reality, talk to your wife about seeing a counselor. Approaching 50 is an emotional ordeal for most people, and it would be helpful for both of you to have a safe space for honest discussion.

If your wife was comfortable sending e-mails from your BlackBerry pretending to be you, she could probably use the professional help, too.

Readers? Thoughts? Is Steve M looking for permission to leave his wife? Do you think he really has feelings for his ex? Share your thoughts and advice here. Leave a letter to the right.

-- Meredith

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95 comments so far...
  1. "I'm concerned that she might be in an unhappy relationship."

    Red flag! What is compelling you to fix things for her (**if** anything needs fixing)?

    You're in denial about your feelings for your ex. It's true what the late Ann Landers said - the Internet can be a wonderful thing; it has also destroyed relationships that need nothing more than a few sessions of couples counseling (as with you and your wife).

    Posted by "Is Steve M looking for permission to leave his wife?" Do you think he really has feelings for his e March 27, 09 05:23 AM
  1. "I'm concerned that she might be in an unhappy relationship."

    Red flag! What is compelling you to fix things for her (**if** anything needs fixing)?

    You're in denial about your feelings for your ex. It's true what the late Ann Landers said - the Internet can be a wonderful thing; it has also destroyed relationships that need nothing more than a few sessions of couples counseling (as with you and your wife).

    Posted by "Is Steve M looking for permission to leave his wife?" Do you think he really has feelings for his e March 27, 09 05:23 AM
  1. "Is Steve M looking for permission to leave his wife?'

    "he's looking for permission to explore the "what might have been" - which could destroy his marriage.

    "Do you think he really has feelings for his ex?"

    He has feelings for his tawdrily boring life, and wants the ex to provide the fulfillment that he's not providing for himself.

    Posted by reindeergirl March 27, 09 05:26 AM
  1. I'm with Meredith - it's tough love Friday.

    Cut the crap buddy - you are trying to relive your youth by flirting with an old flame. Get over it already or you stand to lose the one woman who truly DOES love you!

    Grow up, be a man and stop acting like a teenage boy. If you truly do love your wife. you will heed Meredith's advice.

    If you are having a little 'mid-life crisis'.. tough.. you are getting old.. deal with it. Hurting your wife and your marriage of so many years isn't worth boosting your aging ego now is it?

    Posted by KimberlyM March 27, 09 06:36 AM
  1. Steve,
    Your ex is just a fantasy from the past. She probably is NOTHING like you remember her. I bet she got drunk one night and decided to contact you. Most likely is bored in her marriage. Pathetic and desperate, actually, that she had to dig back 25 years to find someone to spice up her love life.
    You'd be a fool to chase this silly nostalgia at the potential cost of your marriage. After all, this ex DUMPED YOU. Your wife is real and loves you NOW.
    GETOVERIT. Your ex is just a foolish fantasy. Have you seen a pic of her? She's probably FAT now, LOL!

    Posted by Shecky March 27, 09 07:18 AM
  1. His marriage is broken - and he did it. Wife didn't do it by poking around (and did he have erratic behavior to send her the email?). Ex GF didn't do it by contacting him (he could have said no right off the bat to her). He broke it - and now it's up to him to fix it. He should be fairly warned - he may run off to see ex GF, further damaging his marriage, and ex GF may give him the boot. He'll end up with neither of the women. He's still holding a candle for an ex (as I am, but I DON'T act on it!), but it's time to blow out the flame once and for all. Or leave your wife. You can't have both - my guess is that neither woman will put up with that.

    Posted by reindeergirl March 27, 09 07:30 AM
  1. Moron...

    Posted by Not in midlifecrisis March 27, 09 07:46 AM
  1. Steve, reverse the situation. Would you be comfortable with your wife communicating in this way with an ex-lover who is obviously firing up some old flames? Your first obligation is to your wife with whom you made a vow to remain loyal. Having an emotional affair is wrong. It will certainly lead to your needing to fulfill the desire in your heart. Don't try to come off as being generous in spirit by being 'concerned' over your ex-girlfriend's problems. They are hers and hers alone. Her problems now become your wife's problems? NOT FAIR.

    I cannot say this strongly enough - you are poisoning your marriage and your ex is
    happily watching your marriage crumble so that she can be the new cookie in your life. I always wonder about men & women who seek out the loves of their past and try to manipulate their way back into their hearts without any regard or respect for the marriage. Marriage deserves more respect than this. This woman absolutely knows what she is doing and the fact that she doesn't care and can be so selfish is of no concern to you? Is that really an attractive quality in a person to you?

    Do your marriage a favor and tell your ex that you are sorry for her troubles and love and respect your wife so much that you have decided to stop the communication that could destroy what has taken years to build. Let me tell you this - what you are doing is hurting you marriage. Choosing to continue this emotional relationship is a deliberate choice. Trust me it will end your marriage. And we all know that is exactly what your ex hopes to do. Make no mistake or excusees for what you are about to do.

    My heart goes out to your wife. Marriages go through stages and having been married for just a little longer than you, I can tell you that you can rekindle the flames in your own marriage with some refocusing. It's well worth it. Lust and love are not the same.

    I have a feeling that you will continue to seek out this woman of your past thinking that somehow it should have been her. Just look at her failed relationships - there are certainly some - she's not all 'that' as she is exhibiting herself to be. Trust me, women are the best at manipulation. [ok, I know I'm generalizing here]

    This is a black and white issue: The answer is 'stop all communication with this woman'. She's not worth it. Your wife deserves much more than this BS.

    Posted by marj March 27, 09 07:58 AM
  1. Outrageous.

    All three parties (Steve, his wife, and his college girlfriend) are all acting like children and all need to be scolded. Since Steve is the one who wants advice, here goes:

    Either get counselling to save your marriage or get divorced. Period. You want the best of both worlds, but you will only bring hurt on all involved especially children.

    p.s. You hadn't been in contact with your ex-girlfriend in 25 years and then after some emailing back and forth now you suddenly "miss her terribly"?!? Come on now. At some point, you need to address your self-esteem issues.

    Posted by Hoss March 27, 09 08:06 AM
  1. One more thing: your ex-girlfriend is a liar and seems to have almost as much self-esteem issues and selfish neediness as you do, Stevo.

    Hoss has spoken

    Posted by Hoss March 27, 09 08:10 AM
  1. It sounds like you are already committing emotional infidelity, and that this was obvious enough to your wife that she went looking on your Blackberry to see what was going on. You've already probably damaged your wife's trust in you, and for what? A long-distance nostalgic connection with no future? Ask yourself how you would feel if your wife was doing this -- would you be OK with her being in contact with someone she "still loves deep down" who she believed was in an unhappy marriage? You need to get a grip on yourself. Be honest -- if you are looking around and tempted by someone you knew 25 years ago, something is not working in your current relationship. Get some counseling to figure out what, and then either work on it or leave. Your wife deserves that much -- honesty and decisiveness, rather than this kind of slow erosion of affection dressed up as a "friendship."

    Posted by Nancy March 27, 09 08:15 AM
  1. Meredith, excellent advice as always. This is a complete fantasy b/c she is a dream, perfect in this mind. The last thing I would say is that I think this is where this unexpected "affairs" happen with men. I don't think the majority of men plan to cheat, it is something that tends to happen overtime and is insidious. What is she giving him that he is drawn to? He need to break this down and really address it b/c it will disrupt or even end his marriage to the wife he loves so dearly. BTW, I think it is a horrible thing for his wife to endure. Why hurt the one you love? Sir, respect your relationship with your wife, respect her as a person. Your feelings are more than platonic and innocent.

    Posted by Lisa March 27, 09 08:29 AM
  1. Steve is so looking for an out. Quite frankly he cannot be all that into his marriage if he is entertaining this thought of the ex. He knows what he is doing is wrong but he wants someone to say it is ok. Well it is not ok.

    If the ex is in an unhappy relationship the ex's friends and family should help her they know her better than you Steve. Her happiness is not about you nor are your responsible for happiness.

    Steve says he loves his wife but quite frankly he isn't showing it. After 23 years things happen and it would be a shame to toss it away for some little thing like flirting with an ex, because it is little to you Steve but not to your WIFE! If you love your wife as you purport to then the fact that you are hurting your wife should be enough to make you stop. If you and your wife are having communication issues then go see a therapist and work things out honestly since you say that you love her. If you want out then be a man and get out don't cheat, be honest don't do the cowardly thing.

    Posted by Sam March 27, 09 08:39 AM
  1. You should be ashamed of yourself.

    You have already cheated.

    Pick one or the other...

    This one is something out of a movie.

    A guy and a girl cannot be flirtatious friends.

    Period. It will lead to disaster.

    Posted by Sarah March 27, 09 08:49 AM
  1. I have to agree with Meredith. It's one thing when connecting with old firends (even if of the opposite sex) but this was an ex-girlfriend. It seems to me you've been happy with your wife for 23 years and then all of a sudden an ex enters the picture and she has you intrigued and possibly jeapordizing your marriage. I wouldn't say you want to stay in touch or be friends this someone other than your spouse expressing interest in you and like any normal person you're flattered and it's always a nice feeling when soemone sparks that interest. Just remember, "The grass is always greener on the other side" and Tyler Perry said it best with 80/20 analogy. Is it really worth giving up the 80% you've had for so long for that 20% and what happens when you want that 80% back?

    Posted by Raynee01 March 27, 09 08:56 AM
  1. 1. Get them both together
    2. Add a few bottles of wine
    3. Profit!

    Posted by L March 27, 09 09:15 AM
  1. Tough love Friday is right. Steve, you know what the right thing to do is. Don't look for "advice" when what you really want and mean is sympathy for your situation and an ok to go continue the BS or go further down that road. You're getting neither from me and it looks like anyone else here. The ex that dropped you, found you after 25 years and talks nostalgic, you reciprocate. Cut the crap, Steve, here's whats up, you're both having a mid-life crisis and are feeding off of each other to the point where you have apparently not been totally truthful with your wife. You've hidden some of this from here and she found out. Now she's reacting by sneaking onto your Blackberry and pretending to be you?! YOu both ned to knock it off and go to counelling. Drop the 25 years in the past ex who feels she needs to be ruining two families lives by shoehorning herself in out of the blue and start working on rebuilding trust in your current (hopefully continuing) marraige.

    Posted by Francis March 27, 09 09:17 AM
  1. Tough love Friday is right. Steve, you know what the right thing to do is. Don't look for "advice" when what you really want and mean is sympathy for your situation and an ok to go continue the BS or go further down that road. You're getting neither from me and it looks like anyone else here. The ex that dropped you, found you after 25 years and talks nostalgic, you reciprocate. Cut the crap, Steve, here's whats up, you're both having a mid-life crisis and are feeding off of each other to the point where you have apparently not been totally truthful with your wife. You've hidden some of this from here and she found out. Now she's reacting by sneaking onto your Blackberry and pretending to be you?! YOu both ned to knock it off and go to counelling. Drop the 25 years in the past ex who feels she needs to be ruining two families lives by shoehorning herself in out of the blue and start working on rebuilding trust in your current (hopefully continuing) marraige.

    Posted by Francis March 27, 09 09:18 AM
  1. I say go for it. Life is short and, if he does nothing, he will only regret it later.

    Posted by pshee March 27, 09 09:23 AM
  1. Wow, this is some insane advice, these comments...

    Steve, I hope you have the good sense to realize you should focus on your marriage... don't worry about whether your (college?) ex-gf is happy in her relationship, make sure you're happy in yours.

    I don't know if that means counseling, maybe it does, maybe it doesn't.

    I think there's very little wrong with acknowledging that you still recognize some feelings you once held for your ex-gf, but also acknowledge that it was a loooong time ago, and as was said, she isn't the same person she was then, and neither are you. I hate to suggest anything, but perhaps what you're really looking for is a reconnection with the person YOU were back then.

    I'm going to go on the presumption you're not contemplating divorce, in which case it would probably be advisable to be very sensitive to your wife's feelings on this subject... 23 years is a long time...

    One more thing: boundaries my friend, boundaries. If I were you I would try to reestablish some with the ex... being friends again can be a good thing, but there need to be limits.

    Posted by TMS March 27, 09 09:27 AM
  1. There is nothing wrong with communicating with an ex, as long as it is strictly platonic. I've caught up with a number of my old girlfriends over the years. My wife didn't like it, but they were happily married and I was to.

    The difference is I don't "miss them terribly" or "love them deep down inside", nor want to "see them again someday". Sounds like this is beyond simple catching up communication and become flirting and needs to stop.

    I agree, his wife does sound like a high school girl by using your blackberry to send nasty notes back to her.

    Posted by Dan March 27, 09 09:28 AM
  1. I dont think folks should be so harsh. It's not accurate to say "It's been 25 years you dont know here"..no, sometimes old friends know you SO well. They know you in ways that folks you meet in your later years will never know you. Give this guy a break - he still loves his old girlfriend. Stop berating him for how he feels. That's life. He can't help how he feels. He can, however, help what he does with those emmotions. To go with them, well, that will destroy his marriage. It will. Is that his question? Let me answer it- yes, it will. Is that what he wants? He needs to ask himself what he really wants. Can he have both? no. He can probably communicate with this ex sporadically - once or twice a year. Will he leave his wife with an empty nest - maybe. I wonder, what if he and his wife spent time just emailing eachother about " remember when we were dating". Romance really IS possible with your spouse. This man misses being in love. He misses romance. Dont we all sometimes? What if you and your wiferemembered your early dating years. I dont know that counceling is what you need. An attitude adjustment where you look at your wife as the girl you married, you speak with kinds, words, flirt with her. So many spouces stop flirting. Why? Try it. Tickle her. Hug her for no reason while she'sfolding laundry. Simple small acts of human touch will reconnect you. Bevery careful not to take for granted what you have. Because you may find, with this ex, you will tire of her too if you keep the same attitude with her you have with your wife. And...think offwhat shedid. How would youlike to be her husband? How would you feel if you found out while you two are together, if ever you get togehter, how do youfeel when you find out that she went behind your back and contacted her high school boyfriend???? That's what she does. She'll do it to you too.

    Posted by think about it March 27, 09 09:29 AM
  1. Denial...it's not just a river.

    You need to grow up and get over yourself. Even if the ex is in a miserable relationship (not sayin she is), it's not your job to fix it. Your job is to prevent that situation from happening to YOUR own wife.

    Posted by Jennie March 27, 09 09:41 AM
  1. Dude, grow up. You've had 48 years to grow up- now you're going to backtrack to what, 16? Are you a man? Did you make a committment to your wife or not? If the answer is yes, then you have all the information you need to make the right decision. Ask your wife is she's into a three way, if not, say bye-bye to the other woman. Or, become 16 again, think only with your other head and get a divorce.

    The question isn't, can a man love two women at the same time, of course he can. The question is, what does that man do about it? Is he a man or a boy?

    Posted by hippydippy March 27, 09 09:46 AM
  1. Is Steve wanting to keep in touch with the old girlfriend because he is thinking that if she is unhappy in her marriage she might jump to him instead once her teenagers are on to college, bringing resources, glamor and contacts from her current life? Sounds like that to me.

    I think we can all understand the warmth that comes from connecting via the Internet with people from our past, but her contacting him probably had to do with needing a little unconditional ego boost from someone who was disproportionately into her back in college. She's being callous and Steve's being worse.

    Posted by LaLaLa March 27, 09 09:47 AM
  1. I think Steve needs to change his relationship with his wife. The real problem is that she read private correspondence, then pretended to be him to scare the other person away, and now wants the right to demand he cut off contact entirely. Not very trusting, is she?

    If she'd left it alone, this "nostaligic" flirtation would probably have run its course and the reconnection would have ended. Instead she reacted with an ultimatum. Great idea -- *everyone* loves those!

    Given that this is "tough love Friday," I have a different suggestion for Steve. Reassure his wife that he is committed to her, and tell her that nothing happened and nothing was even *close* to happening between him and his Ex. Then make it clear that he doesn't want her deciding with whom he can be friends.

    If she trusts him, she'll find a way to accept it. If not, then they both have a lot of work to do -- not just Steve.

    Posted by bidemytime March 27, 09 09:50 AM
  1. Steve M. - what would you think if a brother or one of your friends came to you with a story like this? Right, you'd think he's an idiot. Take off the training bra, take your man pill and be thankful that the wife you love so much hasn't contacted an attorney yet. Good luck getting that trust back. It's wishy washy guys like you (good job trying to blame your wife - she "intruded into my crackberry") that make it so much harder for the rest of us guys.

    You can already tell - you won't stop trying to contact the ex. Your wife will find out and take off. Then you'll hook up and get dumped.....again....by this ex-gf. Or better yet she'll be the size of a NFL linebacker.

    Grow up and get the hell off of facebook.

    Posted by jbone March 27, 09 09:55 AM
  1. Lisa -- Stop acting as if men are the only one's that cheat. The majority of women don't plan to cheat either...but they do it!!!
    Steve -- get some help! Are you sure you really still love your wife or is your ego needing a little stroking and that's what the ex is giving you? I'm not saying you should stay with your wife or go to your ex...just be a man and be true to yourself.

    Posted by Terence March 27, 09 10:03 AM
  1. Rico says:

    Rico thinks if it walks like a duck, talks like a duck then it probably is a duck. You are a pathetic loser, your wife deserves better than you flirting with an ex from 25 years ago. This is the problem with blackberry, facebook, myspace, etc...technology makes people do things they wouldn't normally do. Would you have sent a letter to her by writing and mailing the traditional way? I doubt it. You are almost 50 and going through a midlife crisis. Look in the mirror and you see an aging overweight, less than desirable man looking back at you and those fantasies of your youth have fallen to the ground. Now you have a chance to relive the "good old days" but it will cost you. Go buy a bike or some running shoes and get out that frustration in a good way making yourself better for the woman you "truly love" and enjoy another 25 years or more with her. Next time your ex or any ex for that matter contacts you hit the delete button or better yet reply with a picture of your family and say all is well and here is an update of our happy family, hope all is well with you and yours.

    Your wife was wrong to go through your blackberry but you were wrong to be flirting with the ex, 2 wrongs don't make a right. You need a traditional phone with no email and hobbies other than technology. Go make pottery with your wife, go take a cooking class together, dance class, photography class, etc...So many things you can do together that will fulfill your free time needs and at a very low cost that will save your marriage/life and stimulates the economy too.

    Don't be a loser, respect your marriage and yourself.

    Have a nice weekend.

    Love as always,


    Posted by Rico March 27, 09 10:05 AM
  1. Steve she dumped you 25 years ago "(she broke it off)". Have some dignity boy! You have proved to be a sap of her already. She is just trying to do it to you again.

    Posted by Glambake March 27, 09 10:11 AM
  1. When I was turning 40 the two women who I had significant relationships with when in college both contacted me after about 20 years of not being in touch. I was married, happy, and about to have our first child.
    I thought the best that could come from these situations is that I could have a conversation with someone who is now a stranger, and we could talk about two people that we both barely knew anymore. The worst (given that they were trying to re-establish contact in middle-age) was temptation and hurt feelings, possibly those of my wife. I responded with a one-paragraph summary of my life since we last saw each other, emphasizing how happy I was at the time, wished them well, and did not respond to the follow-up emails.
    I remain happily married with two children.

    Posted by Been there, didn't do that March 27, 09 10:12 AM
  1. I hope that there are no children of this marriage, because I have to say that infidelity (and that's what this is, mentally for now, and potentially otherwise without intervention) is so hard for children. This midlife crisis thing seems to make men egocentric and blind to their spouse, but hopefully at least they might stop to consider the ramifications for their children - like a lifetime of trust issues in relationships. Thanks, Dad. I agree that many marriages can be saved with renewed focus and counseling, but if you're going to split, at least have the decency to do so without complicating the situation with adultery.

    Posted by Child of Divorce March 27, 09 10:17 AM
  1. Wow. Just...wow. You know, I got in touch with a long ago ex who I've always thought was a great guy. We connected through Facebook. Both of us are engaged to be married. We only broke it off because I moved several hundred miles away.

    I've always cared for him, but I didn't get in touch with him because I still harbor feelings, am otherwise unhappy or anything else. He was, and is, a great guy. He's happy in his relationship, as am I in mine. We're just acquaintances at this point in our lives.

    You and your ex are also acquintances. You're definitely harboring a fantasy here. Unless you omitted a big piece of your tale, she's never admitted to being unhappy and wanting to look you up to fill a void.

    Had you been open with your wife and a little more inclined toward reality, you'd probably still be able to communicate with her because you'd have understood that love years past can still be friendship in the here and now and could even be comfortable with that.

    Both you and your wife need help. She obviously has trust issues (why is that?) and you are hardly in your marriage right now. I also wonder how "innocent" those flirty messages were - at least on your end.

    Posted by phe March 27, 09 10:25 AM
  1. One day I was bored and not particularly excited about the relationship in my life. While stuck in this rut, I remembered a guy from college who had asked me to marry him, and I refused. Eventually we "broke up" but he made it clear that he'd never get over me. Six months later he got engaged but always looked at me hopefully while his fiancee glared endlessly.

    On this boring day twenty five years later, I dug about a bit on the internet, found him and kicked out an email. He wrote back a polite note that it was good to hear from me, and that was it. There was no hey let's get together, or hey it would be good to catch up. Thank God!! If he had done what you did, his marriage and my relationship probably would have both gone down the crapper, and for what?

    Trust me, pal, she was bored and looking for a quick pick me up from a guy she knew would be the easiest of suckers to lure in, and she was right. She didn't want you then, and she only wants you now to repair temporary tears in her vanity. If your wife is going through your Blackberry, this ain't the first time you've wandered emotionally or physically from the woman you "love dearly". Perhaps you are incapable of being honest with yourself--if that is so, don't take others down with you. Man up and grow up.

    Posted by Anonymous March 27, 09 10:27 AM
  1. OK, I kind of disagree with Everyone on this. While it IS true that you should not be flirtatous (so cut that out) - there is probably little harm in reconnecting as a friend who you love, despite the fact that you are married.

    But the question I have to ask is... would you be OK if your wife was doing the same. If the situation were reversed, if you were OK with it... then I think that passes the it's OK test.

    I talk to Ex's via Facebook which is more open and transparent - so my wife sees everything that transpires. She was annoyed at first, but ultimately she trusts me, and the issue has been less of an issue over time.

    Men and Women can and should be "just friends" even if they were once more. The key here is that lots of time has passed. It's being done on the PC and you and your wife trust each other.

    Posted by daveVN March 27, 09 10:29 AM
  1. Posted by Nancy March 27, 09 08:15 AM
    I wish I were so eloquent!
    Point to reinforce: Your wife had reason to be suspicious. This doesn't make her the bad guy with 'snooping'. She may feel some 'distance' being place between you and is genuinely hurt and fearful that your marriage is going down a point of no return.

    I know of 2 marriages that didn't make it because it was too late into the emotional affair that developed over facebook during the normal downs in a marriage. This is serious stuff. There is always the other side of the marriage story.

    Posted by marj March 27, 09 10:32 AM
  1. There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, and who always will. So, don't worry about people from your past, there's a reason why they didn't make it to your future.

    Posted by Susan March 27, 09 10:33 AM
  1. Methinks a little midlife crisis action here on Steve's part -

    I agree with most everyone else here, but would only add - Steve's looking for ways to know that he's still desirable, and who doesn't want that? Yes, the marriage has gone a little stale, and something new and exciting has come along to reaffirm his feelings about himself.

    My advice? You're still hot, desirable, whatever - otherwise, the wife would have left you long ago - so instead of this tawdriness, please just do what other 40-50-something guys do - get a sportscar instead.

    Right after some marriage counseling!!

    Posted by just sayin' March 27, 09 10:34 AM
  1. Steve! Wake up son! You're ex-girlfriend is married to a famous Hollywood filmmaker. So it sounds like she is sitting pretty and unless you are equally rich and famous, she is unlikely to leave him for you. Also, your wife sounds quite sparky as she sent messages to your ex , on your BlackBerry, pretending to be you. You say your wife has been somewhat understanding (trust me, many wives would not be). Do yourself, your wife, and your ex a huge favor and just buy a Harley mate.

    Posted by MidLifeWife March 27, 09 10:34 AM
  1. When you love someone, they become part of your heart forever. It's perfectly human to have daydreams or fantasies about "what might have happened if things had worked out differently with our exes". Taking actions to fulfill those fantasies is another story entirely and has potentially damaging consequences. Big gamble: family fallout, your children taking sides (not yours), mutual friends lost, social network disrupted, financial difficulties going through a divorce, extreme levels of stress affecting your health and others.

    Your wife is protecting her territory (her marriage to you) which she is well within her rights to do. I may argue with how she did it (using your blackberry and pretending to be you when replying to your ex) but not that she did it. She is fighting to save it. The excitement of reconnecting with your college ex has your head and heart spinning (to be sought out, desired, thought about in a sexy context) and it's your heart that needs to come back to earth now.

    Couples counseling is essential to saving your marriage but you must go into it having cut off all contact with your ex. Otherwise you've got one foot in the door and the other foot out. Are you willing to throw out the past 23+ years with your wife just on the chance that an old flame might work out? When you're married, you have to put someone elses well being first, before your own. How can you bring the trust back into your marriage, the excitement and spontaneity, your desire for one another? These are the things you must focus on to get back on track in your marriage.

    Your ex deserves no explanations. Put a "block" on her phone number. If you don't, you're playing with fire and you will get burned along with everything else you say you love and value in your life.

    Posted by exvermonter March 27, 09 10:42 AM
  1. Oh please. Who doesn't fantasize, w/in reason, about a long ago love. I was recently contacted by an ex whom I hadn't heard from in 40 years. We had had a wonderful fun filled time together, we were young, it was the late 1960's, we travelled together, but that was 4 decades ago. It was flattering that he still thought of me, but that is it. A sweet unexpected interlude.

    Let the thought that your ex-still thinks of you be enough. You've invested too much in your marraige to let a fantasy jeopardize it.

    Posted by m.a. carroll March 27, 09 10:42 AM
  1. Any woman (ex-lover, ex-coworker, etc) who contacts a married man to reconnect is more than just bored, she's trouble.

    My husband of 25 years happened to be contacted by an ex-coworker who was single and "just wanted to keep in touch".

    I'm not sure if it was mid-life, bordom or just a plain lack of respect for me but they had an affair. His betrayal led to his loss -- he now doesn't have either of us - she's moved on and I left him too..

    Please seek couseling right away.

    Posted by Patty March 27, 09 10:43 AM
  1. Same old story: People castigating others rather than worrying about their own shortcomings. Steve's principal stupidity was to send an inquiry to the "Love Letters" at Boston.com. He ought to work this out himself, his wife, and his ex girlfriend and ignore the advice of the voyeurs at this site.

    Posted by Turning a Blind Eye March 27, 09 10:45 AM
  1. Steve,
    This is what you need to do:
    1. Tell your ex that you cannot communicate with her any longer. Tell her that is causing problems in your marriage. Say it was nice catching up with you, but that you do not want to be tempted into doing something that could jeopardize your marriage and family.
    2. Spend some quality time with your wife & appreciate all she has done for you the past 23 years. She is hurting and is more upset than you know.
    3. Hug your children and tell them that you love them. They will love you for not screwing up their happy home.
    4. Schedule appointments with a marriage counselor and a therapist to talk about your issues.

    Posted by blueberrypancakeswithcrispybacon March 27, 09 10:53 AM
  1. BTW, flirting is not the same as infidelity. If it was, everyone who fantasized about killing their boss would be in jail.

    Flirting is a natural human activity. Does anyone think Steve's wife goes around in a lead mumu averting her eyes from all others?

    Posted by bidemytime March 27, 09 11:00 AM
  1. I think Steve should look at his marriage carefully. Something must be missing for this old connection to have such an appeal. I would be careful of leaving the marriage without actually ending it. Why would he want to do that? I think there are often reasons why people act this way, and it would be smart to take a careful look with a good counselor to sort it out before throwing away a marriage that seems to work.

    Posted by Michael in MA March 27, 09 11:14 AM
  1. Ricky Ricardo for President.

    Posted by Sarah March 27, 09 11:17 AM
  1. Steve,

    My advice is to leave all your worldly possessions behind with your wife and fly to Hollywood right away. Go on a bus tour of celebrity homes. I know that it stops at this famous celebrity filmmaker's mansion. When it does, get off the bus, hop the gate and knock on the door. Your ex-girlfriend of 25 years ago will open the door and be touched by your gesture and the chivalry you showed by trying to rescue her from her situation. You two belong together. Don't let Meredith and these other jealous haters discourage you. Go! You are seeking permission and I am hereby granting it.

    p.s. take "Turning a Blind Eye" with you for moral support

    Consider yourself Hoss-ed!!!

    Posted by Hoss March 27, 09 11:19 AM
  1. Wow - some harsh reprimands here. It's so easy to be the armchair counselor, I guess. Here's my advice: choose your wife, she's the woman you've been with for 23+ years. Get counseling and, while you're at it, get The Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman and go through it with your wife. From that you'll understand a few things: (1) being in love is temporary, (2) true love is a CHOICE we make every day and (3) if you & your wife speak each other's language you'll both feel more satisfied in the marriage and not need to look elsewhere for affirmation. Good luck, amigo - we should all remember that any one of us is capable of being in your shoes and be a little more sympathetic.

    Posted by SA March 27, 09 11:21 AM
  1. Simple case of wanting his cake and eating it too. That ship won't sail my friend.

    Posted by billy March 27, 09 11:32 AM
  1. @42: No one is making you read this message board if it's such a waste of time to you.

    Steve: you are disrespecting your wife and your marriage. If they matter to you, you need to close the door with the ex.

    Posted by don't be a killjoy March 27, 09 11:33 AM
  1. Sounds like Steve M is hitting a mid life crisis.....forget about the ex-girlfriend. She is from your past. You live in the now with you wife, as you have for 23 years. Have some respect for that. Go see a counselor, find out why you suddenly have these feelings. Your family deserves better than an ex who suddenly comes into the picture.

    Posted by CandyGirl March 27, 09 11:52 AM
  1. Steve -- run, don't walk, away from rekindling your relationship with the ex. But both of you crossed the line with the flirtatious comments. If not now, your wife would have eventually figured out what was going on. I, too, was flattered when someone other than my husband gave me lots of attention and (what I thought was) love. This flirtation led to other things, and my husband soon found out.
    If you are hoping to reunite with your Ex, you need to get a grip. it's a rare occasion when a spouse is willing to leave their partner. My marriage ended because of just this type of situation -- and I still feel very badly about the way I treated my husband. He didn't deserve that.

    Posted by Nancy March 27, 09 12:01 PM
  1. She wants her husband to make a movie about you: "The Unrestler"

    Posted by Valentino (in the sun) March 27, 09 12:05 PM
  1. Dear Steve M,
    6 years ago my friend L's boyfriend M (unemployed loser, muching off of her, 3 past wives & 3 kids) faked a vacation to Myrtle Beach to see his 1st love T from highschool. They had communicated for months via email and webcam. Not only did he pretend he was going to see another friend, he asked L to pay for the flight!

    So here is how his long story unfolds...M arrives at Atlanta, M & T are talking on the phone trying to find eachother in the airport, they both turn around and it's like love @ 1st sight all over again, they rush to one another's arms....on M's website he blogs and posts photos of his re-found "love of his life".

    Months pass, and soon M calls L and begs and pleads to come home, his life wih T has turned awful, they fight all the time, she flirts with others, she even kicked him in the head after a fight about her flirting. His cat gets run over. His dog ran away. He is broke and soon to be homeless.

    L tells him to go away.

    Now M lives in Myrtle Beach alone, and has gone through several woman. Every time the relationship ends, he calls L crying to get her back.

    Karma is a ...

    Posted by Indiglodoe March 27, 09 12:11 PM
  1. Wait, you're 48 and have to ask permission about with whom you can communicate? Don't you think you're old enough to make your own decisions about these kinds of things? The past 23 years do not dictate what the next 23 will be like. That, amigo, is up to you and to you alone. Make your own choices and stand by them, but be ready to accept consequences. Marriage counseling? You are your own best counselor. Deep down, you know what is right for you and what to do (whatever that may be).

    Posted by Bony Melon March 27, 09 12:16 PM
  1. marj wrote:

    "Just look at her failed relationships - there are certainly some - she's not all 'that' as she is exhibiting herself to be."

    What makes you think she has any, other than the one more than 2 decades ago?

    Posted by reindeergirl March 27, 09 12:19 PM
  1. Steve, most of these holier than thou types clearly aren't happy with their lives.

    YOU need to take a couple of blue pills, see your ex, and then be ready for you wife when she comes home.

    So say we all.

    Posted by dave March 27, 09 12:20 PM
  1. Rico:

    Jon says that always putting people down isn't the best relationship advice as you claim. Jon says that no one is perfect and neither are you. Jon says that maybe it is YOU that is the "pathetic loser".

    Love always,

    Posted by Jon March 27, 09 12:20 PM
  1. best answer yet, meredith!

    Posted by catherine March 27, 09 12:21 PM
  1. Steve, invite your ex to Washington, DC, book a room in 'The Mayflower' and then take your wife with you to the suite, open a bubbly and indulge in your wildest fantasies - or the fantasies that men (and maybe some women) have. That's the only way to put this genie back in the bottle that your mid-life crisis released. Don't forget to take some Viagra pills that evening, otherwise, the fantasy may turn into your worst nightmare. Make sure to watch the film "Chasing Amy" during the week before to pep you up. This is the only way to share your beautiful moment with the two people you so dearly love, without being unfair to either one of them.

    Naah, I'm just messing with you. Listen to Meredith - she got it right. Unless your wife is OK with open relationship stuff and/or is into experimenting (and from the information you provided, doesn't look like it's your lucky day), you need to stop acting like a horny teenager, delete your ex's number from your blackberry and let this fantasy go.

    Posted by TheDude March 27, 09 12:22 PM
  1. You don't need us to tell you what to do. You need a binky.

    Posted by Valentino (in the sun) March 27, 09 12:25 PM
  1. Steve,

    Married love is not a mere "feeling". Otherwise, you would be married and unmarried about 20 times a day. We can have that loving feeling (lusting?) with dozens of women at a time, doesn't mean we're married to them. Loving someonee (in this case your present wife) means wanting the very best for her, physically, emotionally and spiritually. Flirting with someone else is not treating her as if you want the best for her. You and your ex divorced for some reason
    Marriage is not all about you. Don't be selfish.

    Posted by gaudete March 27, 09 12:26 PM
  1. Posted by SA March 27, 09 11:21 AM
    Being too harsh on the harsh. Many of us have lots of experience to share and understand far more than you think. People often seek out advice to be slapped upside the head. He knows the answers, he knows what's right. I also believe that he knows this is normal to feel as he does and is halfway out the door of his marriage looking for a sense of reassurance that perhaps people are 'ok' with a little diversion. When diversion involves infidelity such as this, it is more than simple flirting and is hurtful to his wife. Maybe you haven't had someone betray your trust or perhaps you have betrayed others and hope to find solace in promoting sympathy for someone whose dealing with human emotions with bad behavior.

    I understand what it's like to feel attracted to someone other than my spouse, I understand what it's like to engage and enjoy the opposite sex. When a guy approaches me in a manner (it does happen even at my age) that is disrespectful to my husband, I make sure that he knows I'm not available and not interested (even if I would be otherwise). It's inappropriate and disrespectful to my marriage and I love my husband enough to give him that much. When I was single, I had nothing but disdain for the guys I knew who were in relationships and tried to hit on me.

    So, sure, it may sound harsh, but when you consider what it is like to be on the betrayed side of this story there is nothing more harsh than that.

    Posted by marj March 27, 09 12:28 PM
  1. This is pure infatuation! Were you thinking of contacting her all along before she got in touch with you?? More than likely not. That should tell you its nothing more than the thrill of the attention your getting, but is it worth the price you might pay?? I don't think so. You can't relive the past. Its over, its HISTORY! Move on Steve and rediscover the reasons why you married your wife. certainly if the shoe were on the other foot and it was wife in this situation, you'd be fuming.........let the old flame go.....that fire was put out BY HER years ago. She seems to have issues of her own and seems to me she is looking for someone's shoulder to cry on. Maybe she married the $$ man for only the $$ and now has regrets. She may even be in touch with more ole flames than just you Steve..........ever thought about that? CLEARLY you are both bored and you need to just drop the foolishness and get on with your "real life"

    Posted by PAM March 27, 09 12:33 PM
  1. I recently found a photo of my college boyfriend (from *many* years ago). Over the years, he has left an occasional message on my answering machine, and sent me a note several years ago, but I haven't heard from him since then. I know he's married and has kids--I knew that before the Internet, and found some more info about him there. I mailed (as in Post Office) it to him a few weeks ago with a 2-sentence note saying I thought he *and his family* would get a kick out of it. I'm single, but I'm not trying to start something up with him; I did not say "let's stay in touch" or provide an e-mail address. If I hear from him, fine; if not, that's okay too. So, I hope this is an example of an ex who is not a crazy stalker, or trying to break up a marriage. It can happen (though I'm with most of the postings here in thinking that's not what's going on with Steve).

    Posted by sixties girl March 27, 09 12:40 PM
  1. One- glad to hear your doing well message would have done it. Continuing on speaks volumes about "you" and your level of respect for your wife and family.
    You crossed the line.
    Get counseling and move on.

    Posted by sydsa123 March 27, 09 12:41 PM
  1. you called it Meredith!

    Posted by Anonymous March 27, 09 12:46 PM
  1. you know what bothers me here - is that he loves them both dearly - i know people who feel like that -- people who have a husband and a lover and love them both - people who have a wife and a lover and the husband and the wife both love the lover -- i just don't see how that can be -- i guess i'm just jealous or insecure - but if i love someone in that manner - i want to give them my all -- and if there are two of them that i love - i can't give my all -- steve, butch up and make a choice.

    Posted by laurie March 27, 09 12:48 PM
  1. Please solve the following equation:

    48 (this guys age)+25 ( years since last saw the ex)+23 (years married) =??????

    Possible Answers:
    a. Rocks in his head
    b. Brain of a 15 year old
    c. Blame it on the Blackberry
    d. Empty head
    e. a lot of rocks in his head
    f. (write in answer)

    Posted by southofthequator March 27, 09 12:51 PM
  1. The only reason why he is interested in this is because she dumped him! He probably has obsessed over this for years on why she dumped him. I agree that the wife needs some therapy as he does too. Why the heck throw your marriage away by living in your past. Your past can not be redone and like time people change. Step out of the past and live in today and work towards your future with your wife.


    Posted by Ali March 27, 09 12:57 PM
  1. southofthequator:

    f. 96

    Posted by bidemytime March 27, 09 01:05 PM
  1. Jon, are you the pathetic loser that calls himself Steve? hmmmmm

    Rico puts up the hard truth and great insight and you call him a loser? Sorry but I think he is more in line with what he said than you calling him a loser.

    You rule Rico, keep it up!!!

    Posted by Rico March 27, 09 01:18 PM
  1. Wow--As someone in the same age bracket, Married with Children, sure it would be tempting to relive old times. Don't ever forget there was a reason you aren't together now, and you always remember the good times and forget the bad ones. Look back at why you didn't stay together. It helps keep you out of trouble.
    I have one night in particular I'd love to re-live, but that ship sailed long ago. Fantasy land.

    Do you REALLY want to put your marriage at risk?

    Posted by LeftOut March 27, 09 01:24 PM
  1. Another thought: After 25 years, I wrote to an old flame of mine (I am single), not knowing what his situation was. The feelings that I had for him so long ago had been locked away in a box along with my ability to feel passionate about any other man since. We wrote letters back and forth for almost a year and then he told me he was happily married. Was I willing to accept a friendship with him? I thought about it and felt that I would be fine in having a platonic relationship with him. I have since reclaimed my passionate side, making me more available to men around me. I visited with him two years ago and it was sweet, fun and non-sexual. We continue to share letters and updates on what's going on in our lives. He's become a caring friend, advisor, and my cheerleader wishing nothing but the best for me as I do for him. I respect his marriage and would not breach it. I respect myself, my integrity and know that some relationships do not turn out the way we thought they should, they turn out better.

    Posted by exvermonter March 27, 09 01:33 PM
  1. Going unfiltered here:

    Dear Steve M.,

    Stop being selfish.

    Stop trying to rescue your ex-girlfriend.

    Stop disrespecting your wife.

    Start working hard on your marriage or start the legal process to end it.

    That is all.

    Posted by Bob Dwyer March 27, 09 01:58 PM
  1. Steve,
    Your situation is pathetic. I'm sorry, but I really do cringe reading your letter. The only way back to dignity, self-respect, and maturity is to stop the silly communicating with the old lover and repair things, if possible, with your wife so that in the future you can trust each other. Meaning: no more privacy invasions by her, no more betrayals by you. And if you and your wife don't stay together, try hard not to regress and seek out the old flame. There is no happy ending there.

    Posted by gc March 27, 09 02:00 PM
  1. Steve,
    Your situation is pathetic. I'm sorry, but I really do cringe reading your letter. The only way back to dignity, self-respect, and maturity is to stop the silly communicating with the old lover and repair things, if possible, with your wife so that in the future you can trust each other. Meaning: no more privacy invasions by her, no more betrayals by you. And if you and your wife don't stay together, try hard not to regress and seek out the old flame. There is no happy ending there.

    Posted by gc March 27, 09 02:38 PM
  1. It doesn't sound like you love your wife at all, and to say you are committed to your marriage is far from the truth. Being committed isn't just about keeping it in your pants. A crush on a random new person one thing, but to admit you still have feelings of love for your college ex is quite another. Imagine your wife's heartache to read the "innocent flirting" in your Blackberry... whether it was right for her to read your emails or not supercedes the issue you have at hand here. Yes, she was wrong to snoop... but look what she found!! Honestly, put yourself in your wife's shoes and tell us that you wouldn't be hurt. It sounds like she doesn't trust you, and rightly so. Even if you haven't acted on anything yet, the feelings are there and you expressed the desire to see your ex in person, and eventually you will act if given the opportunity. It's time to either accept that you have a wife and an ex from 25 years ago and let the ex go once and for all, or else accept that you are going to destroy your marriage for something that didn't work 25 years ago and probably won't work this time around either. And I fully believe that your wife is right and that your ex is doing everything in her power to get things to go her way, no matter whose life she destroys along the way. She wouldn't have reached out to you in the first place if she didn't have an agenda. Maybe she genuinely wants you back in her life, but if she really is the friend you think she is, she needs to respect the life you built for yourself over the 25 years since the two of you broke up. But if you're going to be a miserable cheating bastard and fulfill the stereotype, then please for the love of God just come clean with your wife and let her go. Don't string her along if you're unhappy in your marriage, and don't blame her snooping in your Blackberry for the decline of your wedded bliss. It's not her fault, it's yours.

    Posted by youareajerk March 27, 09 02:52 PM
  1. "My ex is married (she says happily, but I'm not so sure, otherwise why contact me?) to a famous Hollywood filmmaker..."

    This is classic. I love how this tool hypes himself up to be the love of his ex's life and that she will be leaving some master of the universe. What a way to build yourself up. I would take Meredith's advice. Sounds like your in a crisis, or maybe you're just too much of a coward to end your marriage.

    Posted by Personal Day Deven March 27, 09 03:15 PM
  1. another guy thinking with his penis - yes he should have refused the first communications with his Ex - but NOOOOO - it was the little touch of ego that got hime thinking of what felt good in college - stupid stupid ,...

    Posted by pocketbooks101s March 27, 09 07:09 PM
  1. another guy thinking with his penis - yes he should have refused the first communications with his Ex - but NOOOOO - it was the little touch of ego that got hime thinking of what felt good in college - stupid stupid ,...

    Posted by pocketbooks101s March 27, 09 07:10 PM
  1. Steve's mistake was not communicating with his ex - it was not telling his wife she had contacted him. That would have changed everything. Just showing her the first message and saying "hey honey look who is trying to reconnect with me". If his intentions are truly platonic he needs to include his wife. Rather than pose as Steve and send messages to this woman, the wife should have confronted him with "how sweet that she wants to reconnect! I can't wait to meet her, let's fly out to Hollywood and have dinner with her and her family!"

    Nothing wrong with being in contact with ex- lovers. An ex of my husband is a great family friend, she and her husband have come to stay and visit us and vice-versa. I am certain they still love each other, just in a different way. I am fine with it. Why does love always have to be equated with sex?

    Posted by citykitty617 March 28, 09 10:22 AM
  1. Hey Steve, think about your wife, your kid, your marriage. Think about how much it all really means to you.

    Then think about this other woman, and all the lust and desire you have for her, and the idealized, rose-colored approach that you're taking towards this. A little confusing, ay? That's ok.

    Now go crank one out, and reassess the whole thing again. You'll probably be thinking more clearly without the baby batter on the brain. I don't know how to emphasize this enough: don't ever make serious decisions with the small head.

    Posted by johnny littlepants March 29, 09 12:42 PM
  1. You know Steve, this problem is one of your own creation. Exes can be great friends even when everyone involved is married - but it does take honesty, with each other, with your spouses and most importantly with yourself. You have managed to be dishonest with all three.

    This could have worked out but you let your narcissism and imagination get the better of you. When your ex got in touch, it could have been for completely innocent reasons - she was curious about you and maybe even missed the friendship you had. But instead, you developed this little scenario in which she is unhappily married and misses your love. (Dishonesty #1). And then you acted on that fantasy by flirting with your ex and hiding her from your wife (Dishonesty #2). And now you're wondering how you can have your cake and eat it too (Dishonesty #3).

    You need to sit down and take counsel with yourself. You don't even know this woman - it's been 25 years and she is not the person she was then. You're not in love with who she is now and she's not in love with you. You are in love with a memory. And no real woman or relationship can hold a candle to a memory.

    The real question is why you would risk a real relationship (the one with your wife, remember) for a false one. The fact that your wife chose to behave as dishonestly as you did (by accessing you Blackberry and by pretending to be you to respond to your ex's messages) says that there is a big problem in your marriage. It sound like rather than doing the hard work of dealing with that, you have chosen to invest your energies in this crush on an old love. Everyone here will tell you to give up on the ex, and they're right. The problem is that until you deal with the problem with your wife - you will be back here soon enough.

    Posted by Nancy G March 29, 09 07:37 PM
  1. Steve, going behind your wife's back to "flirt" with an old girlfriend makes you a heel of the lowest order. Clean up your sorry, selfish act before your wife finds a good lawyer and a new husband - a decent one this time, hopefully.

    Posted by LK March 30, 09 08:53 AM
  1. to those that claim it's fine to regularly correspond with exes and "who doesn't fantasize about old flames", etc. - there is a common denominator..something is missing in your current relationships..plain and simple..otherwise, why bother??

    Posted by twocents March 31, 09 02:31 PM
  1. the big giveaway here is that he calls her his ex?
    she was s girlfriend from 25 YEARS AGO
    thats not an EX.
    Unless he is deluding himself into making lot more out of it that it was. Which is a definite warning sign.
    By the way your wife did not invade your blackberry. You are an idiot. No if you say its harmless really, then theres one way to be sure. Take all those email messages and forward them to her husband. if he is fie with it, then maybe yur right. Somehow i doubt you have the guts to do that. Your wife should drop you and get a real man, who is willing to honor his comitment to the one he supposedly loves.

    Posted by steveh March 31, 09 02:53 PM
  1. This same letter was printed in the Carolyn Hax advice column recently. Is this a common thing? Is this guy asking the same question to all the advice columnists, hoping to get a different answer?

    Posted by maggie April 1, 09 01:50 PM
  1. Is this old man insane? How dare you care more about your ex gf's feelings than your wife's? Oh my god! you want to know if your ex is unhappy? umm... Helloooooooo your wife has asked you to stop talking to your her. You miss your ex? how disrespectful of you! you obvioulsly dont care about your wife. I hope she divorces you, and I hope your ex never calls you ever again, then you would get the worst of both world.

    Your ex would never leave her movie producer husband for you. never!!!!!!! GET THAT THROUGH YOUR HEAD

    Posted by Insane-old-man April 2, 09 12:14 PM
  1. I would advise you to take inventory of your feelings for you old friend and come to a complete conclusion about them. Tell your wife your conclusion. Remember there are two marriages involved, and should still hold weight in any future decisions you make regarding contact with others. I tend to live by and make most decision regarding others based on " do unto others as you would have done unto yourself". How would you like to find such things on your wifes blackberry.. etc.. etc..

    Posted by AT April 2, 09 01:53 PM
  1. I am married and still have feelings for my ex fiance from 13 years ago. I recently talked to him after all that time. He is also married with several children and a live in mother with health issues. I think he was happy to hear from me, as he didn't want to get off the phone. It has only increased my confusion. I am not happily married myself. I realize it is just a fantasy, but at the same time, I really regret losing what we had all those years ago. I will probably get slammed, but I don't think it is wrong to have feelings and regrets. I hope I am smart enough to learn from them.

    Posted by Ashley April 2, 09 03:41 PM
  1. i would advise you to read coments 49 and 79 over and over and really reflect on the life you made for yourself over these 25 years and if a fantasy from 25 years ago is worth loosing it all, seriouslly not being rude especially when im half your age and dont have as much knowlage in life as you but get a grip , wake up and come back to the real world love!

    Posted by daniela April 7, 09 09:24 PM
  1. I could be wrong, but I don't think you posted your question expecting to be so harshly judged by so many respondents, but this is America afterall, and that's what we all do best, judge others from our own myopic and religious way of seeing things. I'm not sure the relevence of your former flame being married to somebody famous. That does make you seem to be more into the ego thing of this than anything else, but if you truly are still in love with a former flame, there are forums out there will people are far more tolerant, understanding and supportive than 99% of the people who responded here. Nobody has the right to judge matters of the heart imho.

    Posted by andy April 23, 09 01:37 PM
  1. i am in a situation similar to this right now. i have an ex that i loved deeply only he was in the military and had to go to Hawaii in a few months i was young and scared did not know what to do, so i stopped talking to him and stayed with another guy that i knew was in love with me even if i was in love with the one that was going to hawaii. as soon as he left i knew it was a mistake i tried to contact him but no luck, for years i looked for him in hawaii and no luck his roomate would never give him the message. i kept looking i never gave up. sixteen months ago i found him we have talked on the phone and chat on computer. After sixteen months we decvided to see eachother in months we met and instantly felt comfortable with eachother and n=j=knew we were in love still strong feelings for eachtoter even after all this time it had been ten yrs since we had seen eachother. we seen eachother again ta week and a hlf later and felt the same we enjoyed eachothers company and hope to one eday jbe togethere again

    Posted by renee April 28, 09 11:34 PM
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Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.

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