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She won't call back

Posted by Meredith Goldstein  March 24, 2009 02:55 AM

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Help this newcomer figure out how to deal with a local.

Q: I recently moved to Boston from overseas. Other than the people I work with I do not know too many people. I have been casually dating someone for over the past month. We would see each other 2 or 3 times a week. On Sunday I told her that I really liked her, that I wanted more than just casual dating and that I wanted to be her boyfriend. She is now not talking to me. I have called her a couple of times and left messages but there has been no response. Coming from a rural area back home, if a girl is interested, she would say or not. Did I push things too fast? I am worried that I asked too much too soon due to not really having too many other people to hang out with. Is there some way I can make things back to where they were or should I just give it time?

-- Overseas Guy, Cambridge

A: Overseas Guy, some of our readers are going to tell you that she’s just not that into you. I'd have to agree with them. Sorry. You deserve better.

After a month of hanging out two or three times a week, you weren’t overstepping any boundaries by making your intentions clear and asking for exclusivity. Many women wish for that type of honesty and commitment from a man.

And really, if it was too soon, she could have told you so instead of disappearing.

It sounds as though this woman is to be dismissed, at least for now. Perhaps you're both young, but even 20somethings should be capable of explaining themselves.

I think your free time would be better spent developing a community of new friends in Boston. Try MeetUp.com. Join a few clubs. That way, the next time you meet someone you like, you won’t have to worry about feeling needy or committing for the wrong reasons. Plus, you'll have some nice people to run to if it doesn't work out.

And don’t give up on Boston women. We’re not so bad.

Readers? Will this woman resurface for Overseas Guy? Did he get serious too soon? Share your thoughts here. Submit a letter to the right. And remember to chat with me Wednesday at 1 p.m. I’m still on the West Coast, so for me, the chat will be nice and early.

-- Meredith

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74 comments so far...
  1. Rico is on the early shift today...:)

    Here's the deal: Unless her phone was destroyed my aliens during her abduction then you have been dumped. Move on to the next potential "friend" and forget about her quickly. Don't call again or write or text, that is needy and women find it to be weird or just pathetic. Meredith was right in referring you to clubs, groups, etc...add to that charity runs/biking/museums or just enjoy the city and as a newcomer ask people for directions you may want to meet. If the person you ask finds you to be interesting they may invite themselves to go along with you or show you around. Go to school, take a class, that can help too.

    Back to her: She is not worth the time or effort unless she's got a good reason (hospitalized, abducted). Rico is not so tollerent of unreturned calls, he has been known to be a one-strike and our out kind of guy. He has been better but still keeps that rule in the book for some occasions. If you were with her so much I wonder what the issue was? 1 month is a long time to feel out a relationship but I would guess there is another guy and you were outbid. Better luck next time.

    Rico has to get going to work...

    Love always,

    Rico

    Posted by Rico March 24, 09 06:26 AM
  1. It isn't a question of deserving better, it's simply a matter of "she's not that into you".

    Voicing your affection drove her away. There's nothing wrong with her only wanting to have fun, just as there's nothing wrong with you wanting more.

    Sure, she "should" be able to tell you this, but sometimes people don't want to be placed in the position of playing the heavy and being responsible for "your pain". After all, it was your choice to push this agenda, not hers.

    Bottom line, you're on different (and conflicting) wavelengths. As long as she didn't lead you on by telling you she wanted the same thing (and no, I don't mean in your imagination), then grow up, deal with it, and move on.

    Posted by Fred March 24, 09 07:24 AM
  1. Cut your losses and move on.

    Unless you find out she's in the hospital or someone died, there's no reason to accept this treatment and if you take her back this is just a sample of what your life will be like with her.

    Posted by OTC March 24, 09 07:44 AM
  1. She's a spook. This fellow is wise to head out in new directions, seek out other social groups to join. They have lots of nice women in those groups, looking for commitments, all kinds of options there. This lady he was dating, well, I'm afraid she has more baggage than a cross-country Amtrak. He'd do well to steer clear of her. Otherwise he'd need Max Von Sydow to perform the ancient rite of exorcism on her before long. She's possessed, that's why she disappeared on him. That demon in her might jump right into him and make him a spook too. He's lucky to come out of that casual relationship alive, with all his faculties. It wasn't building to nothing but a season in hell, let me tell you. He'll be on the right track now, if he can forget about that Bride of Dracula and get some new lady friends, a cheery social setting, get on with his happy life from now on.

    Posted by Mace Magee March 24, 09 08:05 AM
  1. What a total b*tch!!! She could at least give you the common courtesy of saying.. you know... let's just be friends... or I'm not ready for that.

    It was totally correct to assume that you'd go further if you were dating that often in a month...

    Don't worry... it sounds like HER loss!!!!! Start making some new friends... there are Boston sports clubs that you could join that go skiing, hiking, biking etc.... meet some new people and have FUN!!!!!!!!!

    Posted by KimberlyM March 24, 09 08:08 AM
  1. She's been baking you a big cake and picking out a nice outfit to celebrate the big moment.

    No, not so much. Be glad you only lost a month, this one sounds like she'd have to pay extra at the airport for all the baggage she has.


    Posted by J March 24, 09 08:32 AM
  1. I agree with Meredith! You did everything correct and it would be common courtesy to tell you that she thinks of you as a friend. Look at this as a gift. She apparently has a character flaw. You deserve better.

    Posted by Anonymous March 24, 09 08:33 AM
  1. Overseas guy, don't spend too much time thinking about this woman. Not only is she just not that into you, she doesn't have the guts to tell you to your face. You don't need that.

    Posted by move on March 24, 09 08:49 AM
  1. If she wanted to see you, wild horses would not keep her away. I think she just got scared. It could also be that the challenge was taken away from her and you became too easy to get. Either way, I would move on and you never know, she may come back after time. With your limited options at the time, you may come to realize that she was not the best choice for you after all.

    Posted by Maureen March 24, 09 08:51 AM
  1. Methinks Overseas Guy has a different definition of "casually dating" than I do. To accurately answer, I need to know the details (i.e. who paid? where did they go? was it group outings or just the two of them? etc.). If just the two of them have gone out together to dinner, movie, drinks, live shows, etc. 10 or so times in the last month, then it's prefectly reasonable for him to express an interest in seeing each other exclusively.

    I fear that she was being nice and friendly to him as a result of his circumstances (from overseas, no friends, etc.) and that was all it was intended to be. Something got lost in the translation.

    In any event, Overseas guy needs to follow Meredith's advice and get into group social settings and try to meet more people. Forget about the girl. Now.

    Hoss has spoken

    Posted by Hoss March 24, 09 09:03 AM
  1. i don't think he got too serious that quickly. he really liked her and wanted to be with her more but she doesn't. She likes to stay single and not be tied down because there is not too much pressure. She must be doing a lot of thinking so give her time. Start writing letters to her and send her cards and flowers she will know what she is missing. love, pam

    Posted by samoy2e March 24, 09 09:08 AM
  1. I'm sorry to hear the news but welcome to the U.S.A. my good man. I strongly suggest going to askmen.com and read the Love and Date ( especially the Love Doctor, for the tough love approach) section. You can learn a lot from it. Most importantly Relax and take it easy on your love front. Whats the Rush?! Good Luck

    Posted by Tbills March 24, 09 09:19 AM
  1. Seriously, Meredith? This is such a softball -- give us something a little more challenging, willya? Buddy, she's not into you.

    Posted by yawn March 24, 09 09:21 AM
  1. Overseas guy...you did fine. You dated for a month, seeing her about 2 or 3 times a week over that span - that equals at the very least 8 dates. From a guy perspective, if the women has been out with you at least 8 times, and you want to be her boyfriend - I personally don't think bringing it up and being honest is too soon. But I am curious to see what some of the women responders say.

    Look at it this way - you found her, so you can find another...you have the capacity to do so. Good luck and hang in there!

    Posted by spaceman March 24, 09 09:22 AM
  1. Yep, this happens to most guys at one time or another. Girls just don't want to "deal" with your disapointment that its not going any further. Rule of thumb with the modern woman is three unreturned phone calls and its time to move on. Make sure on the last try that you wish her well but wished she'd be more mature in the way she handled it..you did deserve better..right?

    Posted by DD March 24, 09 09:23 AM
  1. I think Meredith was spot-on. It's too bad this woman acted rudely, but now you can move on.

    As an American living overseas, I know it gets lonely being the new guy /girl, and making a connection with someone is like a breath of fresh air. Fortunately, it's just about Springtime in Boston, so you might be able to venture outside during your lunch hour or after work to discover new cafes, bars, parks, etc. Going for a walk and getting to know the city always helps me feel more welcome in a place. Plus, when you do meet someone new, you'll know some cool places to visit for a date. (My friend and I are on a mission to "eat around the world" at restaurants with different ethnic cuisine in our city- this is totally possible in Boston, too!) Whatsonwhen.com is pretty helpful as well.

    Clubs, just-for-fun sports teams, or maybe classes (like cooking classes mentioned in the recent chat) are options for meeting new people. In other entries, people have mentioned First Fridays at the Museum of Fine Arts. Why not try volunteering, too? Boston has HUNDREDS of organizations based on different areas of interest, and if you're in a group setting, well, people who volunteer generally don't keep to themselves! I've worked at Community Servings and cleaning up the Charles River (I think with the Charles River Conservancy), where you will definitely interact with your co-volunteers, have fun, and help others.

    Posted by genevoise March 24, 09 09:26 AM
  1. I'm sure this girl was nice, but if she doesn't have the emotional maturity to tell you that she's not ready for a one-on-one dating partner, then don't get upset that she's not calling you back. Look at this as a gift: you found out early in the relationship that she's immature. Forget her and do not try to contact her again. Her silence speaks volumes.
    There are a lot of fish in this sea and I encourage you to continue socializing in different venues. Whether your interests are in art, theatre, sports, music, or community service, you'll find plenty of opportunities to meet more potential friends and dating partners. Creating a good life in a new country will require that you make friendships with both men and women. Perhaps group events are a good place to begin to make your social network and safety net.

    Posted by exvermonter March 24, 09 09:50 AM
  1. I think Overseas Guy dodged a huge bullet here. His "date" seems to have the emotional maturity of a pet rock. One of the measures of being an adult is the ability to tell people the truth and not evade conflict. This includes telling dudes you are not interested.

    Posted by Netlyric March 24, 09 10:01 AM
  1. I would say give it a chance, life does get hectic. I myself work full time and then go to nursing school in the evening part time; and if you ask my boyfriend and friends even they'll tell you they see much less of me. I feel like I'm neglecting them, though they understand. That being said, if time progresses (another week or 2) and there is still no response (to borrow from a TV show/book/movie) "She's just not that in to you". Move on, there may be someone else that is wonderful waiting for you. Good luck in finding Ms. Right and I know this sounds cliche (but it happened to me) usually when one stops looking somebody comes along .

    Posted by Raynee01 March 24, 09 10:02 AM
  1. Too late.

    Don't call her back.

    She will call you.

    Woman ALWAYS want what they can't have.
    As soon as you show interest she will not call you or answer your phone calls.

    pathetic.

    Posted by Jimmy Chip Wood March 24, 09 10:08 AM
  1. I was that girl - got a love letter after 3 dates and eeee-yewww, that was it for me. I hid like a coward instead of doing the right thing. To be fair, I was only 18 and very shy, but still...
    Four years later, I was interviewing for my first big job out of college, and had to speak to three consecutive managers in one afternoon. It was going really well - until I walked into the third guy's office and guess who was sitting there?!
    Ah, karma. I sooooooooooo deserved that. Maybe the same thing will happen to your friend one day.

    Posted by Goes around, comes around March 24, 09 11:03 AM
  1. You sound like a very sweet guy. Do not text or call her again. She will most likely re-surface once she realizes you have moved on. Love should be easy! My sister once told me that and when I met my husband (who I have been with for 14yrs) everything was easy. No games or issues. Everything just progressed along without any drama. Do not call her again! Good luck and welcome to Cambridge!

    Posted by sailor March 24, 09 11:18 AM
  1. Prasanna, at least get the facts straight. You proposed to me after we hung out together 6 times. They weren't even what I consider "dates".

    Posted by Bridget March 24, 09 11:24 AM
  1. meredith was absolutely correct. Overseas guy, there are a lot of really nice women who would love to have that level of honesty from you and I've no doubt you will find someone who appreciates your unique self. good luck, enjoy boston for as long as you are here.
    BTW, Rico, welcome back. Your always interesting take on things has been missed!

    Posted by linda March 24, 09 11:29 AM
  1. Sorry about your woes, overseas guy. At least it was only a month. Unless she is hopitalized in a coma, she is rude not to return your calls, especially after spending 3 days a week with you for over a month. Not all Boston girls are like that. Where are you? I have lots of single grilfriends (lawyers, translators, teachers) who would love to meet a nice guy! BTW I met an overseas guy new to Boston 16 years ago. We dated I returned his calls, he returned mine. No games. We've been blissfully married for 13 years.

    Posted by bambinosmom2 March 24, 09 11:38 AM
  1. Sorry about your woes, overseas guy. At least it was only a month. Unless she is hopitalized in a coma, she is rude not to return your calls, especially after spending 3 days a week with you for over a month. Not all Boston girls are like that. Where are you? I have lots of single grilfriends (lawyers, translators, teachers) who would love to meet a nice guy! BTW I met an overseas guy new to Boston 16 years ago. We dated I returned his calls, he returned mine. No games. We've been blissfully married for 13 years.

    Posted by bambinosmom2 March 24, 09 11:38 AM
  1. Women enjoy the chase, the seduction.
    You moved too fast.
    Appeared needy/desperate/clingy.
    Probably scared her off.

    Posted by Shecky March 24, 09 11:45 AM
  1. Never tell a girl that you "really like" her. If you were seeing her 2-3 times a week then she was obviously interested in you. But when you tell a girl that you "want to be her boyfriend" that will drive her away. Girls don't want needy guys, they want guys who are independent. Wait for her to tell you that she really likes you and wants to be you girlfriend. And if she doesn't then she can't have a problem with you seeing other people, and you should't feel guilty about seeing other people. And about calling her and leaving a couple of messages - another big-time mistake. Never call a girl more than once. Again, girls don't like needy guys. Leaving multiple messages makes you look desperate. The best way to get her to call you back is to not contact her - she'll start to wonder why you haven't called and if you still like her.

    Posted by Randy Moss March 24, 09 11:50 AM
  1. Hey Overseas Guy, there are plenty of other women out there...you are new to the Boston area, and have plenty of time to meet lots of other women. Women, who will call back. Like some of the other suggestions, join clubs, see if people are work can introduce you to other people. Just go out, and have fun.

    Posted by CandyGirl March 24, 09 11:58 AM
  1. Move to NYC. From what I've heard, there are many more eligible straight single women than men in the city. That will improve your odds a lot. And the women there are more beautiful and open-minded than Boston women.

    Posted by Rico's brother March 24, 09 12:00 PM
  1. whoever says "shes not that into you" gimmie a break, you clearly dont have a sympathetic bone in your body.....yeah maybe shes not ready or whatever but that doesnt give her the right to act like a jerk...shes an outright awful person, and she will get her come upings.

    Posted by theloveguru March 24, 09 12:40 PM
  1. I do not think you are needy, and if she thinks that so be it, you liked her, wanted to be her boyfriend, and I think she had second thoughts ie "she's just not that into you" it hurts but your better off knowing that now versus six months down the line

    You'll find someone, better looking and better in bed, cowboy up !!!

    Posted by pepperlevine March 24, 09 12:47 PM
  1. Meredith won't call me back either (or email) after I told her the way I feel:(

    Posted by Josh March 24, 09 12:54 PM
  1. Yeah, that's her way of telling you that she's not interested anymore. There's nothing wrong with either of you, and it's not anything you did wrong.

    As for comments about what women like and don't like, I suggest you ignore them. There's nothing that can be said here about all women; while this woman freaked when you wanted to be her boyfriend, another one might have gotten excited. Still another might have been impatient that you didn't say so sooner.

    And finally, about her being rude not to return your calls, I had a major issue with a guy I was dating over the winter. After three dates, he was getting majorly clingy, and it made me beyond uncomfortable. I never outright told him that I wasn't interested anymore, and instead of just cutting him off like this woman did to you, I suffered through ridiculouly annoying IM conversations for a couple months (during which I gave every hint in the book to let him know I wasn't interested) before the guy figured out we weren't going to go out again. I was always looking for a way to tell the guy that I wasn't interested without hurting his feelings, and I never found one. Meanwhile, my friends kept telling me to just block his screenname and not pick up if he called. In retrospect, while it would have been more rude to do that, it would have been easier and faster, with the same result.

    My point is that there are many women and men who don't understand how to handle rejection, or who don't take any hints that people use to let them down easy. I'm not implying that you're one of those people, but this woman might not know a better way to say no thanks.

    Posted by sabend March 24, 09 12:57 PM
  1. Looking for a more interesting story ?

    paul vinci v phil byers.

    Posted by bill smith March 24, 09 01:07 PM
  1. when I moved to Boston last summer I joined bostonlinkup.com - I met some great friends, and got to do things that I otherwise would not have done - such as apple picking, trying new restaurants, playing poker, participating in book clubs, etc. I highly recommend this (free) site to anyone looking to meet new people!

    Posted by meg March 24, 09 01:09 PM
  1. be mean, keep her keen


    Posted by hot pancake March 24, 09 01:09 PM
  1. It seems to me so obvious that you [a] did nothing wrong and [b] were in fact treated badly, that I wonder why you are even asking this question. Yes, it hurts to be dumped, especially so rudely. Once over the pain, I recommend you work on taking excellent care of yourself. Build yourself up by pursuing your passions and becoming great company to yourself. You will feel rightly better about yourself, and a nice side effect is that you will become more attractive to potential friends.

    Posted by catherine the great March 24, 09 01:12 PM
  1. Give it time. But in all means DO NOT wait around for her. Get out there...meet other people. She obviously isn't ready for a steady relationship...which is fine, but she should have been honest with you rather than ignoring you. That is very childish.

    Posted by Deb March 24, 09 01:33 PM
  1. Boston women suck. Who ar eyou kidding?? Only in this city do they pretend to have some interest, but cannot explain their true feelings. The whole game playing thing runs rampant in our city. Women just need to be direct and to the point. If you're not interested just say so. But, on the other hand, at least give the guy a chance. Women here are too much in the "coolness" and the meatheads.

    It's a shame. They are missing out on some great guys.

    Posted by Anonymous March 24, 09 01:34 PM
  1. "Prasanna, at least get the facts straight."

    Oh jeez, this is pretty hilarious... If this is the actual girl responding, it's even more hilarious.

    Overseas - good luck meeting people in Boston. Everyone has formed their social nexus here by age 22, so you won't be able to crack the confines with a pick-axe and night goggles. But Meredith is right, don't start dating again until you have some friends to fall back on.

    Posted by Andrew March 24, 09 01:35 PM
  1. Woman don't know what they want.-Particularly in Boston.

    Actually they do.

    It doesn't exist.

    Thus the revolving door. Too much competition with living up to their Friends and their relationships.

    Too many late night chats while drinking White wine out of a box.

    Too much security blanket with the Razor phone texting about absolutley nothing.

    We are in trouble.

    Posted by Tommy Two Step March 24, 09 02:11 PM
  1. Overseas Guy, the girl's not worth your time. Immature, selfish, and a coward. That said, I think what freaked her out is getting "attached" (even if in name only) to a foreigner. From your letter I suspect you blend in well with your colleagues and community, so it's not your fault. You were a gentleman--you did what you thought was right, and the majority of people out there will agree with you. She very likely has preconceptions about "an overseas guy from a rural area," as in, she assumes you're an out-of-country bumpkin and inexperienced--since in her mind, if you were more cosmopolitan you would have been content to just have casual fun for another 6-8 months before getting serious. I'm guessing that she thought you were overeager at the chance to have an American girlfriend. Were you paying for the dates? Maybe she thinks you want a Green Card and babies out of the deal. If you're wondering why she went out with you, it's because your differences made you interesting compared to her circle of peers, nothing more. In fact, she might have even bragged to her friends that she's got an "international" date. BUT when it comes to long-term commitment, in her mind you as a foreign guy are in a different category: ineligible for anything more than to kill time. She does not want you belonging in her world. I'm sorry. It sucks. There are plenty of smart, accessible women in Boston who would love to go out with you. And good God, DON'T read Love Doctor or Doc Love or any fake Doctors. Here's a real doctor: Dr. John Gottman. He's what John Gray (Mars, Venus blah blah) tried to be and failed.

    Posted by sad but not that bad March 24, 09 02:15 PM
  1. If I may quote Mr. Roy Orbison:
    "Your baby doesn't love you any more
    Golden days before they end
    Whisper secrets to the wind
    Your baby won't be near you any more......
    It's over It's over It's over It's over"
    ==========================
    So it goes, amigo. There's another train, there always is...

    Posted by Bony Melon March 24, 09 02:24 PM
  1. Overseas Guy, the girl's not worth your time. Immature, selfish, and a coward. That said, I think what freaked her out is getting "attached" (even if in name only) to a foreigner. From your letter I suspect you blend in well with your colleagues and community, so it's not your fault. You were a gentleman--you did what you thought was right, and the majority of people out there will agree with you. She very likely has preconceptions about "an overseas guy from a rural area," as in, she assumes you're an out-of-country bumpkin and inexperienced--since in her mind, if you were more cosmopolitan you would have been content to just have casual fun for another 6-8 months before getting serious. I'm guessing that she thought you were overeager at the chance to have an American girlfriend. Were you paying for the dates? Maybe she thinks you want a Green Card and babies out of the deal. If you're wondering why she went out with you, it's because your differences made you interesting compared to her circle of peers, nothing more. In fact, she might have even bragged to her friends that she's got an "international" date. BUT when it comes to long-term commitment, in her mind you as a foreign guy are in a different category: ineligible for anything more than to kill time. She does not want you belonging in her world. I'm sorry. It sucks. There are plenty of smart, accessible women in Boston who would love to go out with you. And good God, DON'T read Love Doctor or Doc Love or any fake Doctors. Here's a real doctor: Dr. John Gottman. He's what John Gray (Mars, Venus blah blah) tried to be and failed.

    Posted by sad but not that bad March 24, 09 02:25 PM
  1. I have facts straight. You did not give me any update on you. Why do I get no call? I think that we still need to talk this through. Please do the needful.

    Posted by Prasanna March 24, 09 02:31 PM
  1. I think Overseas Guy has better grammar than this fake Prasanna. Who the heck says "do the needful"? Bridget and Prasanna, there's a morning radio show waiting for you somewhere.

    Posted by window March 24, 09 02:37 PM
  1. In life, courtesy is the only thing we can expect; the rest is negotiable. Too bad, this wench did not have the manners to be honest with you. I am sure you are a big, strong boy and can take rejection, but the disappearing act is the height of bad manners in polite society. Consider yourself lucky that she walked out of your life. Saved you from kicking her to the nearest curb. You sound like a decent bloke and there are others who wil appreciate a man who is in touch with and willing to share his feelings. Good for you, young man; go to the head of the class.

    Posted by paul March 24, 09 02:47 PM
  1. Dude, just leave a message on her machine that your test results from the lab came in and you need to talk. She will be calling you back before you've even hung up the phone.

    Posted by Rico's brother March 24, 09 02:58 PM
  1. 2 things i know about life: We'll be dead some day and will never, ever try to figure out what a woman is thinking, wanting, needing, or her behavior etc...
    don't over analize the situation. just move on to the next one. you sound like you're educated, cultured, open minded and a accepting person...some qualities a lot of people in this city lack BIG TIME.

    sad but not that bad - you make some good points.

    Posted by southofthequator March 24, 09 02:58 PM
  1. Hey Overseas Guy,

    Unfortunately, that is how is goes, although I do not agree with that syle. How old are you? I am single and work in Boston.

    Posted by Betty March 24, 09 03:07 PM
  1. Please, people. I grew up here. I know. Bostonians can be and are cold as ice, especially (dare I say this out loud?) those with certain Northern European, island ancestry. (Two certain islands, in fact, one beginning with Ir, the other beginning with En.) They have it genetically-wired not to offend the aristocracy from their past; they have it genetically-wired not to trust anyone. This Prasanna, or whoever he is, must be from a sweet country where people aren't afraid to actually show an emotion. Admit it - this is not a city open to newcomers, or those from a southern climate across the sea. What did he do - suggest a new food to her, and she freaked out? Believe me, I had a Unitarian mother, and no one ever said "Let's go for Enlish food tonight!"out for English food tonight!" And the name Birdget says it all.

    Posted by reindeergirl March 24, 09 03:09 PM
  1. I think you should call her at least 4-5 times a day. That's the only way she'll know that you are truly interested.

    You know what they say, "if at first you don't succeed..."

    Posted by just kidding March 24, 09 03:26 PM
  1. Forget about her and move on--just be friendly (not overly so, cause that's scary) to everyone you meet (not just eligible women) and you'll start making more friends and acquaintances as time goes on. Summer's coming--always the best time to meet people in the area as everyone is out and about. Good luck Overseas Guy!

    Posted by E March 24, 09 03:29 PM
  1. Oversees Guy, she's just not that into you. So do what the Boston Globe advised: get out, make friends, join clubs and enjoy what Boston has to offer. And the girl that's right for you is just around the corner. Just don't call her anymore: you don't want to look desperate, right?

    Posted by Move on to greener pastures March 24, 09 03:48 PM
  1. The only thing to do at this point is to move on. It sounds as if she was content with the way things were going before you professed your feelings for her. If she didn't like you, she wouldn't have seen you 2 to 3 times per week. That said, you scared her off and she's a coward for not having the decency to call you back. Women (like men) are definitely into the chase. I'm guessing that after 8 to 12 dates over the past month, you guys had sex (sorry if I'm being presumptuous). Many women would have been happy at the rate with which the relationship was progressing, but she sounds immature. Sorry...there are plenty of single women out there.

    Posted by Move on March 24, 09 03:50 PM
  1. 1. Get some friends that know their way around Boston and more importantly, Boston Girls. You need to lose the sweetness and gain some proper wing men.

    2. Go into these things with little to no expectations. Expect to have fun, share laughs, maybe even a little tongue on the dance floor.

    3. Change your name if it is indeed, "Prasanna". Do the needful.

    Posted by Keeping it real March 24, 09 04:13 PM
  1. This is totally unlike any American woman I have ever met. Something must be wrong. If I were you I would: A) Keep calling. B) Go to where she lives to see if she's ok.

    Hope she's alright!

    Posted by georgepopodopolis March 24, 09 04:22 PM
  1. Nobody's commenting on what Bridget said (#23). If she's the real deal and is telling the truth, then everything shifts here. Proposing after a period of hanging around, without going through a serious BF/GF period (and apparently no sex), is totally weird and she's right to cut off contact. I'd rather go out with creepy staring guy than have a proposal from this guy. (Assuming she isn't just scamming us all here. ) And window (#45) has outed the fake Prasanna. I can spot fake Ricos, too. Hint: it's a particular spelling error.

    Posted by Sasha March 24, 09 04:28 PM
  1. FYI, Please do the needful is very accurate and something you would hear alot of if you had business partners in India.

    Posted by jojodancer March 24, 09 04:30 PM
  1. I get annoyed by all the guys that make sweeping judgements about Boston women. I know plenty of truly fabulous Boston girls that are looking for nice guys. I also know plenty of Boston guys that pull the same kind of crap. If everyone would be honest and not buy into the hype about what they think the opposite sex "wants" there'd be more happy people.
    Overseas Guy - Yup, she freaked out and clammed up, and it sucks and yup, she should've been honest. But there are great girls to be had if you're willing to look.

    Posted by bostonvixen March 24, 09 05:12 PM
  1. Just leave a message in her voice-mail that you went to a sex clinic to get tested and the doctor just called you and informed you of the blood test results. I guarantee that you'll hear from her within five minutes.

    Posted by Rico's brother March 24, 09 05:53 PM
  1. Cell phone.
    White Zinfandel.
    My friends boyfriend is more cute than mine.
    I need to dump this guy.
    I need to find Tom Brady to outdo my friends.
    Welcome to 2009.

    Posted by Sarah March 24, 09 06:12 PM
  1. Overseas Guy,

    You seem like a person who may see what he wants and then go straight for it. While this may seem like a noble trait, most women like men to be a little more aloof. She likely was either scared or not that interested from the beginning and you missed the signs. Either way, you are in a city of many single women and if you were able to snag this one, you will be able to find another. Now get out there and learn new hobbies. Explore new opportunities, volunteer, and learn new skills. This will make you very appealing to the next woman who comes along and this is what you want--the allure of an experienced partner. And next time, keep the dates to a minimum--maybe 3-4 per month...otherwise she'll feel overwhelmed .

    Hopefully you will find a woman much more mature and ready for what you have to offer. Best of luck.

    Posted by cdl815 March 24, 09 07:12 PM
  1. Why not try washing your cod smelling feet?

    Posted by Kazabud1 March 24, 09 08:29 PM
  1. She's just playing hard to get. Keep calling her. Better still, hire a detective agency to keep an eye on her and have them report back to you so that you can plan your next move and surprise her.

    BTW, what do you mean when you say "overseas"? Japan? Australia? New Zealand? Africa? Europe? Asia? Keep in mind that the decks are stacked against people of certain ethnicity/certain countries when it comes to romance, and inter-racial dating is not quite the hot ticket in Boston. So you need to get acclimated to how to play the game here.

    Posted by Rico's brother March 24, 09 08:56 PM
  1. Depends on where Overseas Guy is from. Where I live, "dating" as Americans know it is not accepted. Young couples meet through family, friends, at school, jobs, etc., but then, along with both families, agree to an engagement before they're allowed go spend time alone to get to know each other better. In most cases, it is assumed that this brings increased respect for the relationship because a lot of people are involved and watching over it.

    Also, in some languages, "love" and "like" are the same word and then there are completely different words to describe the depth or type of love (like the love of a parent or the love of a friend or romantic love or a deep spiritual love).

    Maybe Overseas Guy is from a place like this and he thought he was blending the cultures well - a few casual dates and then a more serious committed relationship before he tried to take it to the next step.

    For an American woman this approach to commitment can be very romantic or it can freak her out and seem creepy. Seems the girl above had the second reaction.

    Overseas Guy, before you try again, learn a lot about how American friendships and romantic relationships usually progress. Otherwise you are going to remain very confused any time you try dating here.

    As a wise man once said, there are two times in a man's life when he won't understand women - before he gets married and after he gets married!

    Also

    Posted by OverseasGirl March 25, 09 06:06 AM
  1. Obviously she doesn't want the same thing you do. It's time to move on. Don't worry, there is someone special out there for you. For the time being I would just get to know a few people and develop some friendships and have some fun! When the time is right you'll meet the RIGHT girl and things will fall into place.

    Best of Luck !

    Posted by Bonnie March 25, 09 12:44 PM
  1. I don't say 'do the needful.'

    Posted by Prasanna March 25, 09 01:38 PM
  1. During the time you were "casually dating"... was there any type of intimacy? If not, perhaps she thought you really only wanted to be friends since that was what she wanted and after telling her you wanted more she felt bad and decided to just leave you alone.

    Although, either way, i think you did everything right and just ended up in a crappy situation. Keep doing what you're doing, you'll find someone!

    Posted by kmo527 March 25, 09 02:00 PM
  1. Still think Meredith is HOT HOT HOT... Watch it Josh!

    Posted by Mike March 25, 09 02:23 PM
  1. Puh-lease, pal. You probably called her five times a day leaving stressed out messages demanding a response. I still rue the day that I gave my phone number to a guy I dated one time. I told him the number was only for use in case we missed meeting each other at the appointed place/time for that one date. It is months after I told him I was not interested in continuing, and he keeps calling and leaving messages. Sometimes they just don't get it, and the guy is "perplexed". No means no, even if it is a "no" through non-communication. Now do you get it?

    Posted by Anonymous March 25, 09 04:25 PM
  1. if you like a guy go right ahead and get i no what it feels like to be boyfreind less it is no fun so just go for him.

    Posted by mammy March 25, 09 07:05 PM
  1. Anonymous.....stay anonymous ! " Use the number only if we can't meet when we agreed to meet ? - God you are terrible ! - " Hey have your people call my people and I'll meet you for a latte "
    Overseas guy : Welcome to Boston.. It's the eight months out of the year that makes them cold and nasty like the weather. Move to Florida where the sun is shining and there are chicks o plenty that will actually say hello to you in the conveneience store rather than looking at you like you are a serial killer for wanting to talk to them. If I had to bet anonomous is on her MySpace page at work all day choosing what picure of herself looks the hottest. - AND SHE IS STILL SINGLE.
    One real easy way to resolve this one : If the girl doesn't call you back - pack it in.

    Posted by Anonymous May 5, 09 11:00 AM
 
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Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.

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