< Back to front page Text size +

Staring competition

Posted by Meredith Goldstein  March 5, 2009 11:25 AM

E-mail this article

Invalid E-mail address
Invalid E-mail address

Sending your article

Let's help a New Yorker named John read his co-worker's mind:

Q: I am in a strange situation. I'm attracted to a girl who works in my office. She sits in the same area but works for a different team, so there is no chance of going out for lunch together because it would be awkward. I started to stare at her to show my interest. For last 3-4 weeks she has done the same thing. Now she stares at me 10 times more than I stare at her. I said 'hello' and talked to her on 3 separate occasions and she said hello and talked in a polite manner. The situation now is that she shows her interest (I believe) by staring at me on various occasions throughout the day. When our eyes meet she keeps looking for longer than usual but doesn't smile. She looks a bit stressed for some reason (which I am sure is because of this situation between us). She is always attentive towards me and looks at me whenever changing her sitting position. The problem is, when we are in front of each other (example, in kitchen, etc) she acts strangely and looks at the floor and does not make eye contact with me, though I keep looking at her to talk.
I am confused about what's going on in her mind and what I should do. She doesn't give me a smile, nor does she looks offended by something (may be she did not like me looking at her).
Also once I talked to her in a usual manner she seemed a bit nervous to me. The next day when we saw each other in the office she did not say 'hello' and walked past me. I said 'hello' and then she gave a nervous smile and said 'hello' and then again started to look on the floor. She is not a shy girl and comes across very confidently with her colleagues (mainly male).
Can you please tell me what is in her mind? Shall I ask her out???? if yes, then how and when?
-- John, New York

A: John,
I'm shaking my head here. There's a whole lotta staring going on, and I have no idea why.

This woman either likes you, or, more likely, she's wondering why you keep staring at her like a crazy person.

You said she stares back -- but perhaps she's trying to figure out what it is you're looking at (something in her teeth? smudged eyeliner?).

As of now, you're both uncomfortable and confused. That's bad. My advice -- assuming you are not her superior at work -- is say to her: "Hey, I know I've been staring in your direction quite a bit. I hope I haven't been freaking you out. It's just that I kind of wanted to ask you out but I didn't know if you were interested."

At that point, she'll either say, "Wow -- me too! Let's grab dinner!" Or she'll say, "Oh, I'm busy tonight," which is code for, "I'm not interested, and please, for the love of cupcakes, stop staring at me all day."

Get your answer soon, because you run the risk of becoming "creepy staring guy." No one likes that guy.

Honesty is always the best policy. Tell her how you feel so you can either get yourself a date -- or stop making a weird situation worse.

Readers? Agree with me? What's this staring all about? Share your thoughts for John here. Read yesterday's chat here. Tell us your problem here.

- Meredith

E-mail this article

Invalid E-mail address
Invalid E-mail address

Sending your article

87 comments so far...
  1. Don't dip your pen in the company ink. If you think it's awkward now, wait till after you break up and she gets promoted to be your boss.

    And stop staring, it does freak people out. You look like a serial killer.

    Posted by J March 5, 09 11:51 AM
  1. You people are freakin weird. Go talk to her. What is the worst that could happen, she says no? Whoopdy doo!! No big deal, you have only spoken to her three times anyways, its not like she would be a big loss in your life.

    Have some pride

    Posted by Doug March 5, 09 11:57 AM
  1. You are SO CREEPY! Quit staring at your coworkers, this is not a way to show interest that any girl will welcome! It's a way to creep her out!
    I don't think she likes you at all. I think she is creeped out by you and you make her nervous. I've been in her position when a coworker makes me uncomfortable -- she is just trying to keep a low profile around you. Sorry, move along creepy staring guy.

    Posted by you're creepy! March 5, 09 11:58 AM
  1. Oh my goodness. There is no doubt in my mind that this girl is completely freaked out by you. What in the world would make anyone think staring is an appropriate way to express, well, anything? Way to create a horribly uncomfortable and unprofessional work experience for this girl. Anyway, since it's also pretty clear that you could not possibly do more damage than you already have, you may as well just apologize for your behavior and ask her out, as Meredith suggests. She'll probably die of embarrassment and/or fright, but really, you have very little to lose at this point.

    Posted by SRae March 5, 09 11:59 AM
  1. real drama right there. cubical love. darwinism has your ruled out for survival. say something or stop complaining.

    Posted by Luke March 5, 09 12:00 PM
  1. "I started to stare at her to show my interest."

    WHAAAA?!?!!? Haha - I had to laugh at this. Not my first weapon of choice. John, you seem to be lacking confidence here. You just have to make a decision - either ask her out or don't. Work adds a strange environment to any relationship, so she better be worth it to take a chance like that. But by all means, STOP staring at her. If she is doing it first, then it's a good sign she is interested. Or crazy. I Meredith is right, make a decision soon.

    Posted by 20/10 March 5, 09 12:11 PM
  1. Say something if you're up for it, but be aware that if something starts as the result, you're going to be in close quarters with her afterward. I tend to agree with the first response, about not dipping your pen in the company ink, but that's sometimes much easier said than done. Good luck, bud!

    Posted by Bony Melon March 5, 09 12:15 PM
  1. After rereading this a 2nd time I have to agree. I think she is NOT interested and is feeling very awkward about you staring at her. It seems like she it trying to stare back to intimidate you and try to get you to stop. The way she is acting (not saying hello when she walks back) is not the way someone not-shy behaves when the are interested.

    Going out with co-workers is a tricky proposition. It can work but it can be very awkward too. I would focus on something else and give up on this.

    Posted by Walk Away March 5, 09 12:16 PM
  1. There's a clock above your head.

    Posted by sall March 5, 09 12:24 PM
  1. "Dear Meredith,
    I am in a strange situation. Some guy at work has been staring at me incessantly for the past 3-4 weeks. At first I thought he must like me, but he hasn't asked me out or anything. All he does is STARE. What is it with this guy?
    Weirdo's co-worker, New York"

    Posted by JimR March 5, 09 12:27 PM
  1. "Get your answer soon, because you run the risk of becoming "creepy staring guy."

    Ummm, pretty sure we crossed into 'creepy staring guy' territory already...

    Posted by Ldog March 5, 09 12:36 PM
  1. This definitely sounds creepy to me.

    If she exudes confidence and friendliness toward others and is comfortable around guys, she's probably less shy than the average gal when it comes to a romantic interest. You've painted a picture of a woman whose demeanor seems to be guarded, not charmed. Having been on the receiving end of a guy who obsessed over me while in his presence, I will tell you that it is disconcerting and a little unnerving. Even when was interested it was a little uncomfortable.

    So, wait for an opportunity to ask her to go for a drink after work some time. But, be cautioned if she doesn't share your interest, it will be even more awkward for both of you. Whatever you do....STOP staring at her!!!! You are in a workplace and it's not appropriate. It's embarrassing for the people involved and weird for anyone witnessing it as well.

    People probably have noticed this oggling making it even weirder. People have probably approached her to see if she's noticed your staring - trust me, when we notice a guy paying too much attention or flirting with someone, we let them know. Maybe someone pointed it out to her? This may have prompted her to pay closer attention to your gazes.

    Keep in mind that office romances get very messy. Sure you want to charter these waters?


    Posted by Marj March 5, 09 12:37 PM
  1. bad news: you're _already_ Creepy Staring Guy. Seriously, give it a rest, ignore her for a while, and then _maybe_ you can try -- like a grownup -- to approach her in a less creepy way.

    Posted by Yip March 5, 09 12:39 PM
  1. WHAT ARE YOU BOTH IN 6TH GRADE AND DO VOLUNTEER WORK AT THE OLD AGE HOME CAFETERIA? MY GOODNESS AND YOU ARE FROM NEW YORK? ARE YA SURE YOU DIDN'T GROW UP ON SOME REMOTE ISLAND SOMEWHERE ?

    Posted by Unbelievable March 5, 09 12:44 PM
  1. Stop analyzing everything to death. And if it hasn't become apparent from the other comments, STOP staring. Go have a conversation and ask her out. That's how you show interest.

    Posted by joe March 5, 09 12:45 PM
  1. Staring is creepy.

    If you want to show interest, then strike up a conversation with her.

    Come on John!

    Let me guess, you're going to go home, try to find her profile on Facebook, post a missed connection on Craigslist and hoepfully she'll respond?

    You are pathetic.

    Posted by Mikey "Insane" Monkeypants March 5, 09 12:46 PM
  1. You work for the US Postal Service and she want's to be ready when you whip out the AK47 after your review. Let's save you some time. Dating a co-worker is a BAD idea...Trust me. Your workplace is your haven: No romantic mess can disrupt your sanctuary. Go take a ride on the T and stare at someone. Just make sure it's not the Orange Line.

    Posted by Valentino March 5, 09 12:47 PM
  1. Seriously, she's probably staring at you wondering what on earth you're looking at! I agree with poster number one - steer clear of dating people at work. And if you do ask her out and she says no, then you're both feeling awkward. If you ask her out, you date and break up, then... you're both feeling awkward. I had someone at work ask me out once (in front of other people) and I had to tell him NO since I had a boyfriend - he had no clue about me or my life at all, just figured he would try out his pick up lines at work, I guess. And for a VERY long time after that, it was just weird to be around him! Don't do it!

    Posted by Stopwhileyou'reahead March 5, 09 12:50 PM
  1. Jeez say something to her! If you hang on her every expression and let every interaction with her trip up your confidence you won't get past "hello" and you'll have no business asking her out in the first place. Just do it. No more staring! This is like and IBM commercial.

    Posted by mikeeeee March 5, 09 01:05 PM
  1. I hope you are in 6th grade. Then the staring - and ALL of this, well, whatever-it-is - MIGHT pass as an immature and amateur attempt to get someone's attention. You are also overthinking and overanalyzing this situation to death - chronicling how many times you have spoken to her (always awkwardly) and dramatizing the types of "stare-backs" she is sending your way ("doesn't smile, yet doesn't look offended," what on earth?). I think the best course here is to get back to work (surely your productivity has suffered since you launched the Great Stare Campaign '09), abandon the GSC '09 before the words "human resources," "hostile work environment," and "restraining order" start flying around, and please, please talk to your buddies about other ways to pursue a woman. Unless of course, you are ACTUALLY in the 6th grade. Then, keep it up, send her a red carnation next Valentine's day, and enjoy your awkward entre into adolescent love.

    Posted by Jetta March 5, 09 01:06 PM
  1. OK I have caught a co worker staring at me when I first started working at a company and I thought... FREAK!!!!! Made me uncomfortable and I felt uncomfortable around him and did not want to talk to him at all.

    Posted by Meg March 5, 09 01:13 PM
  1. I love the comment "creepy staring guy" ... cause that is exactly what I would think

    Posted by Anonymous March 5, 09 01:14 PM
  1. GSC '09! i think we should start a movement to help this poor guy. if we all just pitch and and stare at people then maybe she won't think he's creepy. c'mon everybody-- let's do our part to help and launch the Great Stare Campaign of 2009!

    Posted by laura March 5, 09 01:16 PM
  1. Meredith,

    Is this the best you had today? I know they can't all be winners, but geez....This guy is pathetic.!?!!!!

    Posted by Josh March 5, 09 01:17 PM
  1. 3-4 week of this? Unfortunately for you, she might have been interested, but now thinks most likely thinks you are a wacko/stalker because you keep staring at her.

    And you should figure out where she stands because you are probably not too far away from either termination or a lawsuit (or both).

    Posted by sluggosan March 5, 09 01:19 PM
  1. Ask her what her sign is..

    Posted by Debbie March 5, 09 01:21 PM
  1. Your a Creep! Bottom line!!

    Posted by Anonymous March 5, 09 01:24 PM
  1. If she was so creeped out by CSG, she would have gone to the folks in HR (who, btw are the most voyeuristic and drama driven people on the planet). She wants you and it’s obvious by the way she can’t take her eyes off of you. You’re just like heaven to touch…

    Posted by valentino March 5, 09 01:26 PM
  1. STARING at someone to show your INTEREST? yeah, that's not stalkery AT ALL. Is that a strategy that's worked for you in the past??? weird.

    Posted by stalker! March 5, 09 01:33 PM
  1. Apparently Meredith has no clue. To the Staring Freak: she has no interest in you, and you are freaking her out. Your behavior is bordering on harassment, and either knock it off or prepare to be written up/fired over this issue. And grow up.

    Posted by PG13 March 5, 09 01:41 PM
  1. Your thinking that she wants you to take her to the mop closet to make whoopie, but when she looks at you she really thinking that you should move out of your mothers doublewide and get an apartment.

    Posted by Robert Alphonso March 5, 09 01:42 PM
  1. I missed this first time: 'The next day when we saw each other in the office she did not say 'hello' and walked past me.' (and so forth.)
    Conclusion: Stop staring. Move on. It's over (if anything had ever begun, anyway).

    Posted by Bony Melon March 5, 09 01:43 PM
  1. I know you've probably never heard this one before, but don't date people you work with. Wait, let me say that one more time. Don't date people you work with. Seriously. Don't date people you work with.

    Posted by Why don't people ever learn March 5, 09 01:44 PM
  1. Ask her if she would like to go to Ipswich centa for a burga

    Yah neva know..

    Posted by Debbie From Dova March 5, 09 01:45 PM
  1. The staring technique always worked wonders for me . . .


    . . . in junior high school.

    Posted by Anonymous March 5, 09 01:47 PM
  1. I can tell you what she's thinking... she's figuring out how to improve her response time. Cause she goes home every night, unplugs her phone and takes out a stop watch. Then she tests herself from various points in her house to see how long it would take her to run to the phone and dial 911 if she were to see your '86 Chevy Cavalier in the driveway.

    Chalk this one up as a loss buddy, you had too much drool on your shirt.

    Posted by Quincy Jus March 5, 09 01:50 PM
  1. I'm sorry to belabor the obvious here, but we crossed over into creepy many, many miles ago - there's no going back, give it up before the restraining order comes out!

    Posted by just sayin' March 5, 09 01:55 PM
  1. Pretty pathetic that you can't think of anything to say to her. You work in the same company. Say anything - "how about that fire drill?". Anything. Just. Stop. Staring. And overall --from hereon, just ask them out. They like the assertive guy. Shy guy gets you nowhere. You seem like a good candidate to show up there someday in fatigues and orange tinted glasses carrying an assault rifle btw. Just sayin.

    Posted by Jocko March 5, 09 01:58 PM
  1. If this were me I'd have built a curtain around my cubical so that creepy staring guy would stop giving me the stink eye. I'd then hang a sign on the outside of the curtain that says Yes, you are scaring me....and No means No!

    I think creepy staring guy has made this relationship up in his own pretty world where the color of the sky is purple and leprechauns run around. Maybe we need to call it, "she's just not that into you"

    Posted by gertie March 5, 09 01:59 PM
  1. You are a complete jerk....no less are you staring at a girl instead of going to talk to her, but your next move is to write into this column looking for advice from people that don't even know you on what SHE is thinking. Why don't you grow some and ask her out instead of sitting in fantasy land...and by the way, it is clear from your letter that she should say "no thanks"....

    Posted by spaceman March 5, 09 02:12 PM
  1. His letter is creepy, he probably follows her around the office and comes 'n goes when she does. Yuck! I agree with other folks on here, she should put up a curtain, divider, something!

    Posted by DavidDavidDavid March 5, 09 02:15 PM
  1. Stop staring at her and everyone else in your workplace.

    Grow a pair and introduce yourself to her.

    If she responds in a friendly way (I'd put the odds at 5%) and doesn't mention the words "creep", "restraining order", "complaint with HR dept.", etc., then tell her it was nice to meet her and you'll see her around.

    Then wait a couple of days. Again, trying to undo a lot of your already incurred damage. Ask her if she wants to go grab some coffee in the cafeteria or kitchenette. Go from there.

    Oh, and for the love of all things normal, relax and stop staring. Geez, no one likes that. Be an adult and a functioning member of society.

    Best of luck....to your co-worker!

    Posted by Hoss March 5, 09 02:26 PM
  1. She is ignorning you in the Kitchen because you scare her. Stop staring.

    Posted by A March 5, 09 02:28 PM
  1. Send her the link to your letter in this column - then she'll know what's on your mind. Better yet, print it out and leave it on her desk before she gets in.

    Posted by Amit March 5, 09 02:34 PM
  1. Go easy on the kid will ya...he likes her! he's not a creepy weepy...

    Posted by JOEY FROM HULL March 5, 09 02:38 PM
  1. It's called harassment. Stare at the plants or a cubicle wall, if necessary.

    Posted by Anonymous March 5, 09 02:38 PM
  1. I hope she likes you back.... because if not you are about to be fired for sexual harassment

    Posted by eduardo March 5, 09 02:40 PM
  1. I will predict your future:

    HR suits and rent-a-cop facility security guard closing in on your cubicle while Radiohead song playing in background:

    "I'm a creep. I'm a weirdo. What the heellllll am I doin' here? I don't belong here...."

    Posted by Dan Blocker March 5, 09 02:49 PM
  1. She will see this ...he is very smart

    He just solved it himself.

    Hello people...it's right under all your noses..

    That's the answer to this dilemma..let her see it on the Internet.

    Now that's an ice breaker

    Nice job kid! You fooled em all!! And they took the bait.

    Posted by Tommy from Tewksbury March 5, 09 02:51 PM
  1. You give wonderful advice Meredith!

    Posted by jan March 5, 09 02:52 PM
  1. How I Almost met my Wife:
    We were working in the same office, but all i could do was stare. She never gave me the time of day. One day I caught her staring back in my direction. When we passed in the halls, she acted as if I had the clap. I was a mess. This went on for months until I took the advice of a complete stranger on the internet. He said she has lazy-eye and she's actually looking at the guy in the cubicle next to mine. I told him all about her and they've been engaged for a year. I love being the cupid.

    Posted by valentino March 5, 09 02:54 PM
  1. "she doesn't smile. She looks a bit stressed. she acts strangely. does not make eye contact with me. She doesn't give me a smile. she seemed a bit nervous to me. she did not say 'hello' and walked past me. she gave a nervous smile and said 'hello' and then again started to look on the floor. She is not a shy girl and comes across very confidently with her colleagues (mainly male)."

    Buddy, I think you answered your own questions here. Get a clue.

    Posted by stop staring March 5, 09 02:54 PM
  1. 3 to 4 weeks, really dude? you've been staring at her way to long, there's a good chance she's more annoyed than freaked out.

    Posted by djon March 5, 09 02:56 PM
  1. Rico says:

    You are a strange, weird, creepy guy and she is wondering why you just won't go away. She stares at you to let you know how weird it is to be stared at. She looks away because she thinks you are a whacko who may come in with a gun and shoot up the place if she says no to you. She has probably already spoken to HR and you are on the way to looking for a new job. Sorry to be blunt (no I am not) but you need to get out and learn how to mingle and talk to people.

    I worked with a guy once that left a note in a girls shoe at work to go for "pizza" sometime. She hadn't worn the shoes for weeks and may not have looked at them for even longer if he hadn't said something to her about the note eventually. He was WEIRD just as you are and she tried being nice to him just to keep him from being that creepy shooter in the office. Eventually she got a new job and got out of the situation but that is not my point. My point is you are a loser who needs help to become a normal human being which may not be possible after all these years.

    Meredith is wrong as she usually is...so go get to work and STOP STARING!!!


    Posted by Rico March 5, 09 02:59 PM
  1. Dude – there is nothing creepier or freakier than having one of your co-workers stare at you. You wonder why she casts her eyes down when you meet in the lunchroom? She’s afraid of you! She’s uncomfortable around you. You don’t show interest by staring at someone – you show interest by asking them out. Or by being friendly. NOT by staring. If you have any hope of salvaging this, I’d tell her why you were staring at her, then apologize for being rude. And creepy. Sorry, don’t mean to be so mean, but man…that just sounds ten kinds of creepy. Were I that girl….I’d probably first start staring back, just in case the person wasn’t aware they were being rude. If that didn’t stop it, I’d just quit making eye contact all together.

    Posted by yoshimi March 5, 09 02:59 PM
  1. You should definitely talk to her. I, myself, am very outgoing and social with just about everyone except when there is a potential romantic interest. I get very awkward and strange when I'm interested in someone else. And I tend to stare a lot. She's probably just nervous. Go break the ice!!!

    Posted by Ann March 5, 09 03:01 PM
  1. John, you are totally freaking this poor girl out and you sound like a nut! You have positively ruined your chances with this woman! Move on dude! There are plenty of fish in the sea! When you meet the right one it will just happen. You wont have to make it do so. And trust me, you will look back upon this "staring" indecent with complete embarrassment, lol!

    ...god man, reading these stories is funny, but they make me SO glad I am engaged to an amazingly awesome, smart and sexy lady.

    Love you shmoopie!!!!!

    Posted by M March 5, 09 03:06 PM
  1. It sounds to me like you are freaking her out. Quit staring at her, and say something. And if she shoots you down (which I suspect she will, frankly), then leave her alone.

    And I might add, the office is not a pick-up joint. She should be able to go about her work day without being treated like a piece of meat. In fact, there are laws about that sort of thing.

    Posted by Allison March 5, 09 03:06 PM
  1. I think everyone should give poor John a break! He's shy, and is staring too much, she might be too around guys she's interested despite general confidence.

    I agree, that you've probably ruined any chance you had, but she also might be the shy type. Ask her out, if she says "no," better to make light of it and the staring thing and move on. Making it sound like no big deal will help take away the awkwardness.

    Posted by Dave March 5, 09 03:23 PM
  1. Maybe she really does "work for a different team."

    Posted by js March 5, 09 03:34 PM
  1. Hang in there John boy..there are plenty of fish in the sea.

    Posted by Walter from Wrentham March 5, 09 03:43 PM
  1. My guess is her stare back at you is an attempt to measure the physical distance between her seat and yours. That way she'll know exactly how close you can get before she nails you with the pepper spray.

    Posted by boombalati March 5, 09 03:44 PM
  1. Oh god is this what some men do, they stare instead of talking?? Creepy, weird and so non-adult. What are we, 5 years old? Once, maybe twice but after that either use your words of stop.

    I'd be freaked out and would have talked to a manager by now.

    It's called work for a reason. You're getting paid to work - it's not a bar.

    Posted by Liz March 5, 09 03:55 PM
  1. Why don't you dip her pony tail into the ink well. That ought to get her attention. Dating someone at work is OK as long as your both adult with it. My son asked me when he was 14 how to know if a girl liked him. I said flirt with her and if she flirts back then ask. but, I notice I didn't say stare?? Have some kdsflsdfhw next time and ask. I think it's too late, But I would go with the apologee advise and then ask. Nothing to lose your alreasdy in the cross hairs.

    Posted by RLSRD March 5, 09 04:02 PM
  1. you don't know until you ask no matter what anyone on here says. I agree with Ann. I am fairly outgoing with most of my co-workers male or female but if I am interested in someone romantically or I sense they are interested in me, I become very nervous. Also... fyi guys...... (I'm sure to catch h*ll for this too)... some girls don't smile back b/c they don't like their smile.

    Posted by bostonam1525 March 5, 09 04:07 PM
  1. One Adam 12, One Adam 12...See the man named John at the Post Office who just checked the comments to his Love Letters question on boston.com. Talk Down expert needed.

    Posted by valentino March 5, 09 04:07 PM
  1. You people are way off base. John, great job with the staring so far. Now that you have laid the foundation, it's time to take this relationship to the next level. Your weapon of choice? That's right - more staring. Try staring at her all morning one day. If that doesn't work, all afternoon as well. Pretty soon she'll be putty in your hands. Good luck, buddy!

    Posted by h. lector March 5, 09 04:08 PM
  1. I tell ya, we here where I work have all been looking forward to our annual reviews, which we get in March. Soooo...today we find out that there won't be any reviews, raises, etc. until...well, we don't actually know until when. This, needless to say, hasn't lightened the ambience today. But this thread sure has! What a bunch of comedians!
    This one takes 1st prize so far:
    Maybe she really does "work for a different team."
    LOFL, dude!

    Posted by Bony Melon March 5, 09 04:16 PM
  1. You're walking into a harassment claim if you don't end this behavior. If you must, ask her out and get it over with. It she says no, never stare at her again. Your managers must be aware of this and you will be the odd man out.

    Posted by Chocolate Chip March 5, 09 04:19 PM
  1. This is a great technique. I use it all the time. It works all of the time, 77% of the time.

    Posted by G-Man March 5, 09 04:31 PM
  1. if it was me, I'd be freaked out and wouldn't want to sit near you anymore

    Posted by staringiscreepy March 5, 09 04:44 PM
  1. Staring at female co-workers, if your male, could get you fired in this day of political correctness and economic downturn.

    Posted by Cantab73 March 5, 09 04:59 PM
  1. this woman has a huge crush on you- ask her out!!!

    Posted by gfy March 5, 09 05:16 PM
  1. John, do you have a plan? 'Cuz hope is not a strategy, you know.
    If you like the girl, you gotta talk to her.
    To be safe, i wouldn't just ask her out. You need to go over there, talk to her, find out who she is, what she likes, whatever. Once you have established some communication, then you may ask her out. But don't wait too long. These games get quickly boring without some resolve.
    And don't forget-she is just a person like any other.

    Posted by michelle March 5, 09 05:20 PM
  1. Please, as a 24 year old woman in a highly male office, please stop staring at us. We are tired of having to keep our guard up like we do at bars, and it is even worse when you are trying to talk to someone and their eyes obviously graze from yours. LEAVE US ALONE DUDES; WE ARE NOT INTERESTED, AND FURTHERMORE THIS IS NOT A BAR.

    Posted by creeped_out_in_andover March 5, 09 05:34 PM
  1. John, I'll give you the benefit of the doubt that you're not a creep and just really shy. I've been in your shoes. It is quite easy for everyone one this board who has never had to suffer with shyness to call you a FREAK or CREEP. Although, if you find yourself parking next to her or following her around, please get help for your sake and hers.

    Although I think everyone is being a little to harsh on you, some of their points have some merit. You may not be a creep, but she doesn't know that, and staring at her will creep her out. So stop. It's not going to get you anywhere. Next time you see her in the kitchen say something like "Hi, I'm sorry for being shy and I should have formally introduce myself a long time ago, I'm John. How is your project going?" Hopefully, this will make her realize "Okay he's not a creep he is just shy" and put her at ease little bit. Let it play out from there and see if her interactions with you are positive. If they are move on to "hey let's get together sometime." If not, hopefully it will be a little less awkward for the both of you.

    Also, you were quick to notice that she wasn't smiling. Have you been smiling during your interactions with her? That could make all the difference.

    To everyone on this board: Some guys can be shy or lack the confidence to approach someone. For all of you social butterflys that can just walk up to a girl rico suave, good for you. Not everybody is like that and it doesn't make them all creeps. I admit that for the girl involved the staring is probably creeping her out, but to everybody on this board it should be pretty clear that John is just a shy guy who doesn't know how, or lack the confidence to express his interest her. If he was ACTAULLY a creep he wouldn't have bothered contacting meredith for advice on how to win her affection, and instead went straight to chopping her up wtih an ax and making a lampshade out of her. Geez, cut the guy some slack.

    Posted by Cut The Guy Some Slack March 5, 09 05:41 PM
  1. Hey "Cut the Guy Some Slack - news for you:
    1) Staring in the manner that this guy has for "weeks" is not shyness. When you are so shy you can't approach a women, you don't compensate by staring - in fact, its a reflex to not stare that is only overcome by experience, confidence and common sense
    2) No where in John's statement did he say he was shy or lacking confidence - if that was the problem, he would have requested help on overcoming that. The guy is just a flat out creep and is living in fantasy land....

    Posted by spaceman March 5, 09 07:11 PM
  1. Bud Light Presents: Real Men of Genius
    (Real men of Genius)
    Today we salute you. Mr. Creepy Office Staring Guy
    (Mr. Creepy Office Staring Guy)
    You sit in your office for three to four weeks, attracted to a girl on another team.
    You stare at her, she stares back
    (Who's gonna blink!)
    Sure you could just try talking to her, but you'd rather stalk her like prey.
    (THAT'S SOME MEAT!)
    Your keen instincts tell you that if you stare longer, she'll be all into you.
    (She likes me!)
    So crack open an ice cold Bud Light, Mr. Starey Eyes. She's gonna make a move soon.
    (Mr. Creepy Office Staring Guy)

    Posted by J March 5, 09 09:15 PM
  1. J (#78)...ROFLMAO. That was genius...you should send that to Anheisur-Busch (which I'm sure I misspelled but don't care enough to look it up). Thanks for the laugh you made my (very long day).

    Great posts people - this has been a most entertaining read.

    Posted by Jen March 6, 09 01:22 AM
  1. I've changed my mind, I think this guy should keep right on staring. He's doing women everywhere a huge favor by brazenly demonstrating his creepiness. Sometimes you have to go on several dates with a guy to discover just how truly effed up he really is. John from NY has the decency to let women know right up front that he should really be avoided at all costs, saving us all a lot of time and effort. I applaud you!

    Posted by SRae March 6, 09 10:44 AM
  1. John-
    We need an update. Are you still staring? Is she still glaring? Have you decided whether to talk to her, find a headhunter...or a headshrinker? How have the comments swayed, allayed or delayed you?

    Posted by valentino March 6, 09 12:37 PM
  1. why so serious?

    Posted by Dr.Dre March 6, 09 02:13 PM
  1. Not good to stare at someone. Made me really uncomfortable and angry when it happened to me.

    Posted by KK March 10, 09 09:49 PM
  1. LMAO....how about you read "How to Talk to a Girl" by 9 year old Alec Greven

    Posted by A Lady March 12, 09 10:48 AM
  1. I don't know - I am a woman in the same situation -- a man in another area on my floor stares at me and makes sly glances at me, occasionally smiling and saying hi, but nothing more. I think he's cute, but am not sure of his availability, so I haven't pursued the situation. I am curious about his staring and end up staring back myself. I can't figure it out -- if he asked me out for drinks, I would go just to sort out all of this crazy staring!

    Posted by Woman in Columbus March 16, 09 12:38 AM
  1. #78 - funniest post I've ever read. Good job!

    As for you John - how old are you that you thought incessant staring was a good idea? I mean, really.

    Posted by sparky March 23, 09 09:45 AM
  1. Just ask her out-bottom line. Being female, .....she could be interested. That's why she's acting "weird." She's friendly with the other guys, cuz they are "harmless." If not interested, why bother staring back at him?

    Posted by Celeste Wood April 11, 09 05:32 PM
 
ABOUT LOVE LETTERS: Welcome to Love Letters, the place for love advice (giving and getting). Globe relationship columnist Meredith Goldstein and Boston.com readers are ready to take your letters and tell you what's what. Have a question? Click here to submit or email us at loveletters@boston.com.
Blogger Meredith Goldstein

Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.

Ask us a question

Required
Required
archives