Checking his Gmail

Yes, I have. And sometimes, you do what you have to do--until it makes you feel ashamed and petty. Sounds like youve reached that stage. One way to stop if you cant bring yourself to come clean (and who would?)--every time you feel like checking his mail, wait 15 mins. Do something else for 15 mins until the urge passes, then measure your success on a daily basis. Once youve gone a few days without slipping, I bet your urge to keep doing so will have waned. Try it and see--and good luck!!!

Checking the ex's email, if you have the ability, is an addiction I've seen far to many friends fall victim to. You think you're getting a glimpse into their heads, really you're just messing around with your own.
I agree with Meredith, tell him to change his password, that way, you'll have to go cold turkey.

well well well. looks like we have a real situation on our hands here meredith.
i mean, isn't this against the law?
My advice to heart in indonesia, cool it with the email checking, and eat some hot pancakes.

My dear, nothing good can come of this.

There is another option! Since you can access his e-mail change the password yourself and just type in jibberish...that way he will have to reset it but you dont have to confront him.

Send him an e-mail from himself, Vent profusely about the e-mail dump, and he'll change his password on his own.
It will provide closure!

The lesson here is NEVER share your password - or even make it guessable. One of my girlfirends had the password to her ex's e-mail account and found out all sorts really interesting things - replies to Craigslist for cross-dressing and dominatrix and other exotic specialties etc. To some extent it explained why a 'normal' relationship wasn't ever going to work, but on the other hand, I'd just rather not know.

Mess with him. Send emails from his GMAIL account and start trouble. Get some revenge. Also, change his GMAIL password! make it "youjerk123" or something. He will never know.

Why go sane now? After 4+ years, he can't just walk away via email. He could have at least done it over the phone or something.

Let him have it.

Have you talked to a friend about it? I find that sometimes when you confess something like this (embarrassing, obsessive, etc) out loud to a friend (not anonymously online) it helps you look at that behavior in the light of day.

I've been there. Click "forgot my password" and it will send a generic message to his alternate email alerting him to change his password. He'll change it on his own.

Rico is very excited, he's getting recognition from MEREDITH!!! Rico is having a wonderful day, he rode his bike to work and breathed the fresh air while getting exercise and reducing his carbon footprint. Rico suggests you all do the same, especially the gmail trespasser :)

Here are Rico's thoughts for your dilemma today:

Rico thinks Meredith is right that you need to stop checking his GMAIL immediately. It's over, he's moved on and you need to do the same. Create a bogus email and send him an anonymous email to change his password because it is too easy and even put the password in the email just to let him know it is not a spam type deal. He may know it is you or not but you can deny it if anonymous. This will save you some embaressment unless you don't mind him knowing you had the password.

As for getting over him and the loss of a 4+ years, that is easier said than done. Why after 4+ years he wasn't committed to you enough to stick around versus taking a job 1,000's of miles away is a question you and Rico and his readers are probably asking. Apparently it seems it may have been over for a while longer than you think. That being said, email to break up or skype is a cowardly way to end 4+ years with someone.

Rico thinks you should take some time to evaluate your life and how you see things. You missed some signs and it will take some time to notice what you missed. This doesn't doom you from being happy and moving on. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger...and smarter. Go out with friends, take up a new hobby, workout, learn a new recipe, etc...This is springtime and a great time to be outside. Wander around the city, go to the cape or Newport with friends. Don't sit in the house and sulk. Rico made it through a break-up once by training and running the Boston Marathon and met some wonderful people along the way. Biking, running and other Boston sports groups are great ways to get healthy, feel good and meet new people. Take a tennis racket and go to the courts, there are always people looking for someone else to play against.

Enough of Rico's ideas for now. Rico thinks you will be just fine, he thinks you should definately get out more and "back away from the computer". He agrees with how you feel and that your ex is a weasel for breaking it off the way he did but don't let his lack of consideration and tact ruin your life.

Rico hopes this helps, breaking up really hurts and there is no easy way about it. Do your best and time will heal those wounds. Scars will remain but try and let them go as best you can so you can fully give yourself a chance to meet someone great. Maybe the guy that wants to get married (yesterdays post) will be single soon? ha ha, Rico thinks he's funny.

Anyhow, enjoy today, it is a beautiful day.

Love always and have a wonderful weekend,

Love Rico

Sadly, I feel your pain, my boyfriend(well now my ex) also broke up via an email, but we are both a little older than you, but in time you will get thru this, its just a process (like the saying goes "time heals all wounds"). But it will only drive you crazy if you keep checking his emails/drafts etc... Do something to keep your mind occupied, take up a hobby, hang out with friends etc.. Now that the nice weather is coming there will be plenty to do to occupy your mind. Good Luck & God Bless~

Send an email to him along the lines of "You may want to change your email password since I know it".

Maybe only say that.

Girlfriend Ive been there, and yes I did! I checked his phone, mail, email, driven by his house, his mama`s house and some of his friends houses. But it made me fell better for awhile. But then I had to sit myself down and say " What the hell are you doing"! You are a great catch. Your beautiful, smart, outgoing, funny, and know how to treat you man. Forget him and move on. Thats his lose not yours."! And you need to tell yourself that same. I know your hurt and confused. I was just like you wondering "Why"? But there is no answer. He just wasnt the one. Learn from this and move on. Control yourself when it comes to his Gmail. Its not worth it. I suggest reading Steve Harveys "Act like a Man, Think like a Women"! Its very insightful and will help you understand men and how to handle your next relationship. Good luck sista girl

Oy. Don't do it. Just do not do it. This is like looking at messages on Facebook ...it makes it worse. Walk away...turn off the computer. Takes practice... but just try to avoid the temptation. And yes, we have all done it.
Hang in there.
It will get better with time.

MHII, I know exactly what you're feeling because something similar happened to me (although in my case, it was an abrupt breakup to move out and to another country before the month was out because he had met someone new). Forget the invasion of privacy, stop it because I bet that everytime you read something there, it makes you feel worse. If you're tempted, just think how you'll feel/respond if some other girl sends "him" a gchat when you're on. I don't know your circumstances and I don't mean to give you false hope, but if there is any chance that you may get back together, finding out you had read his emails will have a signiicantly negative impact on those chances.

And you probably should block him on gmail too. Do you wonder what he's doing when he's on gmail (and more importantly what he's doing when he's NOT green on gmail)? Block him until it truly no longer matters what he's doing, who he is talking to. I understand the wanting and needing to know but it really does make everything worse, even if it doesn't seem like that.

If you've got good friends, admit this to them and call them whenever you're tempted instead.

lol@Rico&Hoss references.

Now that he's broken up with you, checking his mail is just masochism. Remind yourself of that when you have the urge; remember the pain of what you've seen...and quickly go do something else until the urge passes. Meredith is right on. I feel for you. Take care of yourself going forward, including not reading something you a) know you shouldn't and b) is only making things worse. Good luck.

Get out of his email. NOW. Tell him to change his password by sending an email from himself, signed as you. It might also be a good idea to tell him any other account passwords you might know, as well, so you can change those, too.

It's over. Move on. It's a nice weekend, put on a sundress, go out on the town, find someone new.

The smarter thing would have been for you to break up with him before he left instead of lingering under the delusion that a 25 y.o. man would be able to "hold the flame" for you 8,000 miles away. I get a sense of emotional co-dependence here between you and this man. Relationships are supposed to be about two healthy, independent individuals coming together to build a life together. What you've just described is a woman who just had her world turned upside down after something totally predictable ocurred, and then she breeched all ethical boundaries by accessing his email and justified it to herself because she was half out of her mind with grief.
You are not emotionally balanced enough to have a relationship with anyone right now except yourself and I do mean therapy. Do yourself a favor and call therapists until you find one who can take you pronto and don't take NO for an answer until you have an appointment scheduled next week.
Do not contact this man or access his email. If you feel tempted, go outside and take a long walk on the beach, breathe fresh air, watch the waves and remember that you will grow as a woman through this loss. Do not delude yourself into thinking that you will get back together. This painful loss is the doorway through which you will gain a greater understanding of who you are and who you want to become in the weeks, months and years to come. Good luck.

First of all, please relax. Exhale. Sit down and read my somewhat long ramblings (apologies in advance to all).

You've gotten a confession out and I can gladly confirm that you are indeed a member of the Human Race. As our astute hostess pointed out, we've all had premeditated loss of control moments in which we've snooped on some level. Technology has changed (i.e. hacking a Gmail), but the motive is the same. It's done out of desperation, despair, and most importantly out of frustration and helplessness. As we drift along in our hurt, we become fixated on finding out what about us caused the end of the relationship. What did we do wrong? What about us should we "change"? We want to either solve the issue and somehow bring the relationship back from the dead, or prevent it from re-occurring in a future relationship.

That being said, you will find out, as I and many countless others have, that it is an exercise in futility. Stop checking his Gmail. Stop cold-turkey. You are only extending and aggravating the pain and heartache. Don't beat yourself up over it or feel guilty for it. Just stop doing it. Accept that it was silly to keep checking his email and be done with it.

For whatever reason, and honestly, his choice to break up via email is more a testament to his lack of emotional maturity, the relationship is over. There's nothing you can do to revive it. The sooner you realize that it's irrelevant why he broke it off, the better off you'll be. I could cite countless cliches here and I'm sure the L-Letters posse will do that quite well, but no words will make you feel better now. That will come with time. This too shall pass. (Ok, so I had to throw in one cliche...).

How will you move on? One moment at a time. Allow yourself to grieve the loss, but don't allow yourself to wallow in self-pity and self-doubt. It's his loss, plain and simple. If he's ready to throw away a four year relationship with a wonderful person for an Indonesian novelty, then let him.

Focus on your strengths. Your interests. Lean on your support group (friends, family, co-workers, etc.). Stay busy with hobbies. I've found that reading books and running are the best things to do. Absolute mind-clearers and self-confidence boosters.

I wish you well.

That's all our time for today.

Hoss

I have a female friend who went through a bad break-up over a year ago and STILL checks her ex's G-Mail account., even though he's now married to someone else. Tried to get my friend to stop numerous times, and she's doing it less than she used to but can't give it up entirely. Meredith is right - all it does is get my friend crazy all over again. Never mind the privacy issue (which is no small issue), all this does is make yourself upset. Be angry - an email breakup is kind of cowardly I think - but cut the cord NOW. Take care of yourself and move on to someone who deserves you.

MYIII, we live in a time of extreme electronic voyeurism. It's normal to track the progress of friends, acquaintances and even exes by all sorts of social networks and email systems. The question is--just because we can do it, does it mean we SHOULD do it?!? You could get yourself in a situation where your own well-being will be compromised at the hand of someone who doesn't even know he is being monitored. If this is a legitimate break-up, accept that fact that it's over and leave him and his emails alone. You will only make things worse for YOURSELF! Get back in the world and find someone real.

I bet you feel gross and uneasy after you check those e-mails. It's an excerice in masochism. Although many of us have done it in different ways, at the end of the day it's unhealthy and will not make you feel better. It may appease your immediate curiosity/need for info, but it will not give you anything more than anxiety and sadness.

Lil shorty98 I agree with your advice 110%!! And that book by Steve Harvey is OFF THE HOOK!! I read it in 2 days!!

Because I have taken Rico's advice and am spending the day in the sun, I am not familiar with today's issue. I have pre-written today’s missive and hope it hits home for someone. I have noticed that layering has gone out the window today and people are wearing much less. Loving spring.

If you love yourself, you will not be moved by the indiscretions of the wretched soul you call your (SO, husband, wife, BF, GF, Priest). Never spend a moment worrying about those who have wronged you. They are not worth the time and much love is there to be found. Whether you are reading his/her love letters in the drawer or sleeping with his/her best friend, you were made in god’s image and he/she is delighted that you have added to the daily drama of Love Letters. Listen to Meredith because she tells it true without beating you up. The rest of us are looking to drive you crazy. BTW, in Indonesia the girls love you long time.

RIP,
Mico

Stop reading his email, whether by weaning yourself or admitting to him and telling him to change the password. Somehow, some way, STOP. I'm sure the abrupt and unkind way he dumped you makes it doubly hard not to snoop, in a search for the WHY and other painful details, but you have to accept that he really was not "madly in love."

I think your bigger concern is finding a way to move on, and forcing yourself to do so. His gmail password is the overpowering magnet dragging you into a past that, I'm sorry to say, is already misty water-colored memories. Clearly, your boyfriend put himself in a position full of new opportunities, new people. Can you do ANYTHING to make your life open up too? Are you likewise in a career? Was he the one steering the motorcycle while you rode in the sidecar? Or do you too have a sense of direction, motivation? If you don't can you work on that, or on any personal connections or pursuits of any kind that can help pull you out of the danger of endless moping about?

I'm twenty years older than you are, and I can assure you, I now look back with only faint interest at relationships that once riveted my heart and soul, and breakups that felt like deaths. Two of these lasted as long as yours did, or longer. I'm not trivializing them--but they ended for good reasons, and new chapters eclipsed them. I'm so happy now, and that history helped me pick wisely. Good luck!

I caught my ex checking my gmail. At the bottom of your gmail inbox, it tells you the last account activity and what IP address the activity was on. BUSTED.
You can ask my ex, but I'm sure he was pretty embarrassed when I confronted him.

Lil shorty98 I agree with your advice 110%!! And that book by Steve Harvey is OFF THE HOOK!! I read it in 2 days!!

Another reason to stop checking the gmail is that he will see if he pays any attention. In the bottom center of your main gmail screen is a notification of where and from what computer the account was last accessed. Right now mine says, "Last account activity: 44 minutes ago on this computer." His says that you have been using the account, he has just failed to notice, but soon he might.

You all should know that accessing another's computer or email accounts, if not authorized, is a crime.

So much for you to be happy about. You're young. You've loved and lost (i know that's a killer). You know that you are capable of being a loving girlfriend and you have takeaways from this relationship. Learn from it.

You will be happy again. BUT you will be miserable if you don't stop with the email - it's easy to become obsessed with the 'why's' and the 'who's' in his world. You've been deeply hurt and need to heal from this emotional trauma. The advice stated earlier to change his pw so he has to reset it is the best option. He will think something went haywire and won't ever have to know what you found. Let it go and set yourself free from the torture of witnessing your past enjoying his life without you in it.

Enjoy yourself - life is short and it will be what you make of it, dwelling on this will just keep you enslaved to a world of hurt and disappoinment. Turn it into a positive, learning experience. You win!

Well I gotta say I HAVE done the post break up email thing. I had an ex that I had his password to because I had been sending his resume's to people to help him get a job. (Yes he was a loser). So it was actually quite a bit after we had broken up, I just checked to see if he ever changed it, he hadn't. I saw his new emails to his new girlfriend right next to emails of a craiglist type sex - just hook ups - group that he had joined and communicated with! So after a few weeks of LMAO at his trying to get nooky antics I started feeling bad for the gf because I realized that easily could have been me! So I forwarded all of his "hook up" emails to her. After that the password changed! Imagine that!
In your case I agree, you could forward an email where he is talking to other girls to him and get some closure. If you need to. Closure is funny like that. You don't even have to actually send him something. Write a letter to him you never send. I know its really tough to go through a break up but by checking his email all the time he is still a part of your life. You don't need him in your life anymore!

All I can say is that if he catches you, he would be justified in thinking you are a total psycho jerk. Stop doing it. People have given some really good tips here for getting yourself out of this in terms of alerting him that he needs to change his password.

I would do what someone else advised and click 'forgot password', just to get it over with. Then, block him from Skype, delete (or put in a hidden folder) any emails from him, put anything he ever gave you on Freecycle and toss pictures, or whatever, into a box or the trash. If you're gonna be crazy, be ruthless in scrubbing him out of your life.

Trust me on this one. I had someone treat me very poorly once and I let my chest hurt for exactly one day, then I erased him (figuratively speaking). It's the best thing I ever did, though it felt reckless at the time. You deserve better - move on.

You have choice. You can choose to hurt yourself repeatedly and continue to squish your butt around in the poo because it is warm and soft, or you can choose to heal. My sense is that you do not want to sustain this role of aggrieved victim who has an uncontrollable need to inflict emotional self-mutilation (reading his gmail). It takes a lot of energy to sustain this role, yes?

If you really truly feel it is not a choice and it is a compulsion that is causing unbearable and unrelenting pain, please seek professional help immediately as that is a sign of deeper troubles and it will most likely escalate. I'm sure the pain is real and at times can feel like it will never pass. However, lots of peope have survived breakups and gone on to have a fulfilling and enriched life. As unique as we would like our situations to be (you can't possibly understand because you were not there!!), actually they are not all that unique, they just feel that way.

Again, if it doesn't seem like it is getting better at all, get that help, and not through a lifestyle column. That said, if this is a start to making the choice to get better, I applaud you for this first step.

Ohh I've been there. When I was going through a terrible break up with my ex who i was with for 5+ years, I would check his email nearly everyday, kinda crazy now that I think about it, cause I was so afraid to find emails to other girls etc. He knew I did it for a while, we were still talking etc. ... but in the end he changed all his passwords and it was a good thing because it allowed me to finally get over him by not constantly thinking about him and worrying about what's going on in his life. You need to focus on you and to do that cutting all ties is important. Trust me, it's the only way you'll eventually feel better about it all. Remember it's his loss and there's only better things for you in the future :)

"I can gladly confirm that you are indeed a member of the Human Race."

Loved that line, Hoss!

I know it is really tough to cut off ties cold turkey, but your burden will be quickly lifted by doing so! If you're already reading Boston.com, why don't you check out what's going on in the city or in your 'hood, instead of logging into gmail? Like everyone says, the weather's gorgeous in Boston... just think, while you're enjoying a sunny summer, it will be rainy season in Indonesia!

Dumped via email? WITWCT? That's tough duty. Don't read his email, it's wrong. Four years together and then dumped by email- he isn't worth another thought, nevermind another click.

You're not the first person ever to do something like this and you won't be the last. That doesn't make it right, though. However, he should have taken better care of his gmail password to begin with, both before and after the breakup. You could let him know that you have it, as another commenter suggested. Then once he changes it (and he will) it becomes a non-issue for you. Bygones be bygones.

I love how every day exvermonter's advice includes "Do yourself a favor and call therapists until you find one who can take you pronto and don't take NO for an answer until you have an appointment scheduled next week."

Give the soliciting a rest. We get it. You're a big fan of having your head shrunk, but it's not for everyone and is not a cure all.

HE IS A CAD. At least by checking his e-mail - YOU FOUND OUT THAT HE'S GETTING & SENDING E-MAILS TO OTHER GALS & WHO KNOWS WHAT ELSE HE'S BEEN UP TO - and didn't believe some bullcrap that he's JUST LEAVING FOR A BETTER JOB/CAREER WHATEVER. Just think - if you didn't CONFIRM that he is a cheat - YOU'D PROBABLY STILL BE ROMANICING HIM OVER THE PHONE - OR ACTUALLY THINKING YOU STILL HAD A CHANCE SOMEDAY. It hurts being dumped - but at least you NOW know where you stand. TIME HEALS ALOT - try & remember what made you happy before him - GET HAPPY WITHOUT A GUY FOR A WHILE.....IF YOU THINK A "GUY" ENSURES HAPPINESS, THEN YOU HAVE A BIG PROBLEM.

Unbelievable turds, spies, eavesdroppers. No, we haven't all done it. That's what's wrong with this society.

Checking his gmail is a terrible breach of trust. If you love him you would not do that at all. That you would od that proves you'll never have a lasting relationship with any basis of honesty and trust.

Don't let any future boyfriends know you did this. Nobody will want a woman who snoops in your email. This is a dirty little secret.

Honestly, I find your trangression to be one that would be cause for a restraining order, legal action, lawsuit, felony invaions of privacy. You don't belong in a relationship and you probably belong in jail.

hang in there. Everyone has had little temptations with poking around someone's gmail or facebook. Some people give in and some can resist the temptation. Unfortunately, many people catch cheaters! terrible. Anyway, now that you are no longer together its time to seperate yourself from all of that. (not that this invasion of privacy is right when you are even together). but back away from it all.

Get outside, stay busy and when the terrible feeling comes back- take a deep breath and realize how young you are! we've all had heartbreak. Its how we learn and grow from it! Best of luck!

stalker

Truman, if your friend is still doing this, don't you feel any responsibility to tell her ex what she's doing so he can change the password?

Your friend and this woman are creepy and mentally instable. We all owe it to the world to keep these types of people in check whenever possible.

Long Distance x Relationship = FAILURE!
Why does everyone think they are "different", and can be the "ones" who actually pull it off. Sorry, but I have never known any young folks (20's) to go One year on a LDR. Even the mature folks (30's) rarely can make it to Two years. The only people who I have seen do it Long-Term are middle-aged folks, whom already have a permanent home and kids, and it is usually purely out of "Financial Necessity". If "Swampscott" was so in love, why didn't she move to Indonesia with him?

Maybe someone else has his email password too and was the one who dumped you.

Or maybe you did it and dumped yourself.

Put on track 6 ("Nardis") from Bill Evans "Explorations" CD and roll a REALLY big fat one.

Send an email to yourself from his account . Write all the things you want him to tell you...how much he loves you, how much he misses you etc. Repeat this process as often as necessary to make you feel better. Apparently this is an idea of a good relationship to you. You, fooling yourself. The relationship was in your head so why don't you continue it in your head? You knew the second he left for Indonesia the relationship was over at least for the time being. What kind of relationship exists through email? and Skype (whatever the hell that is). Try to find a guy nearby, perhaps 5000 miles away. Let him enjoy being young and in Indonesia and why don't you enjoy being young and single for a change. The world is not ending.

I think, perhaps, there is a small spark of hope that keeps people checking their ex’s emails: they want to find that one email that he sends to his mom or his friend that talks about how he regrets the breakup and still loves you….when that doesn’t come, the hope of “he still loves me” turns into a way to justify that he’s a jerk.

Sugar, you need to stop reading his private correspondence. If you can’t do it on your own, then you need to do whatever it takes to let him know to change his password. I know it won’t be easy, because its like giving up your last remaining link to a man who meant so much to you.

That he dumped you via email is horrid, though I guess it’s not much different than the “Dear John” letters from WWII…..They always say “living well is the best revenge” so find another outlet for your grief and rage. What were your dreams for your future when you were little? If they are realistic (meaning, not to be a Space Princess like the girl from Star Wars), why not try pursuing them? Have you ever wanted to write a novel? Learn to paint? Program video games or work on cars (hey, it might sound crazy, but lets not stereotype here!) As much as a breakup is Our Winter of Discontent, self-discovery is like the renewal of spring. It will take a while to get over him, but eventually, you will.
yoshimi

You have every right to be a little crazy right now, and reading his email could be a crazy healing process. When you are ready to let go of reading the messages, you will be ready to move on. Over time you will stop reading them obsessively, it will move to every other day or week or month, then just an occassional check in to see how he's doing. You could even be happy for him someday. It's hard to let go of someone all of a sudden and this could be a way of keeping him in your life without being in his.

Of course if you start to really drive yourself crazy, then I agree that you should stop. If you see a message from another girl and you go totally ballistic, have one of your friends hit the change password button for you.

And I don't think it's illegal to check his messages. He gave you the password, it's not like you are hacking or anything. He should know better and change his password anyway.

The recommended book is actually titled: Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man

Stop checking the emails and look at it this way:

Ten or 15 years from now he'll be in (or just getting out of) a miserable marriage and in a fit of conscience will contact you.

When that happens (and trust me, it will) you'll wonder whatever you saw in the schmuck.

#6
Send him an e-mail from himself, Vent profusely about the e-mail dump, and he'll change his password on his own.
It will provide closure!

THIS IS DEFINATELY THE RIGHT ANSWER.....!!! GOOD ADVICE #6

Apparently being dumped by email is quite au courant. At least this guy has an excuse -- he's 25. My ex boyfriend is 51 (at least physically). What - ev.

You are not a psycho jerk or emotionally unstable or any of the other nasty things people say. You're a human being whose heart has been trampled. No stupid cliche ('it's for the best,' his loss not yours, 'move on' [man, i hate that one', etc etc) will change that. Only time. (Another cliche, but true). Change the password. Erase, delete, block. Go for a run in the sun. Come home. Cry. Call a friend. Drink wine. Repeat.

C

Chann

Hang in there! Eventually the need to snoop will subside. It takes some time, but after awhile you'll get tired of re-opening the wound and pouring lemon juice into it. It just gets to be too exhausting and at some point, you have to ask yourself if you've turned into a character in a Lifetime Movie network movie and if that's who you really want to be. I went through something very similar and I think my friends were a little scared for me with my obsession over google searches, myspace and facebook checking, although admittedly impressed with the dirt I was able to dig up! At least I know I can have a successful career as a detective! Eventually the hurt and longing will turn to fury when you realize what a cruel loser the guy
was and that's when you won't give a flying you know what about his email, or his face book or myspace or whatever - You'll realize you are SO above it all. Sadly, there's no way around it - only through it - so move through the natural stages of grief - allow yourself to heal. One day you just won't care what he's up to - I promise! Many blessings to you though while you go through the heartache - Gawd, I feel for you!

lo

Rico is great...the guy (I assume Rico is a guy) gives some amazing advice. His ideas for getting over a breakeup are perfect. I just had a breakup and it never occured to me to go myself to a tennis court looking for someone to play. Thanks for that idea and many others.

Any other advice for those of us heartbroken?

Good stuff

Stop digging into his e-mail and move on. that's not fair to him, was he suppose to fly back to break up??

Honey,
I'm sorry. We've all been there - some of us many times. You're hurting, BAD. This man not only dumped you, but did it in a way that belied your belief that he ever cared for you. It's tough to lose both the imagined future of you together and the past as well. And we've all done incredibly stupid things when we were in pain - at least I know that I have. We all understand how painful this is for you and I don't think anyone here will stand in judgment about your feelings at this time.

That said, feelings are just feelings, but action are actions and can have serious consequences. No matter how hurt you are, you cannot allow this to permit you to do things that you know are immoral, unethical and just plain wrong. It is bad enough that this jerk hurt you; don't let him turn you into someone you are not. Don't give him that power over you. Delete everything about his mail, forget the password, ditch the bookmark. JUST STOP IT! When you feel the urge to look, say NO! - *out loud*. Get up and walk away from the computer, shut it down; call a friend; get outside, go for a run; volunteer at something you believe in; do anything. This guy treated you badly, but you can't control other people. You can only control yourself. Focus on keeping what you have left - your dignity.

LR at 12:10 nailed it. Bottom of the GMail page is IP information and a link to see a log of when and where people logged into the account. Snooping on GMail is easily seen so snooper beware!

Babba Booey, so denial is more than a river in Egypt for you, eh? Too bad, therapy is a place to learn about yourself, not for someone else to figure you out and tell you what's wrong. Thanks though for your comment.

Hmmm... been there ... only it was in the days of voice mail machines. I would call in and check his messages after we broke up.... that stopped when I did it one time and he/his friend ... not sure who it was... must have been at his house listening to me hitting the buttons to go from message to message...woops!! The password changed after that! For me that whole "your e-mail was last accessed" feature would be enough to stop me from going back in again. Most importantly though is what a fellow reader typed.... this breakup seems huge now but in a few years you're going to wonder what the heck you were even doing with this guy. Good luck!

I'm having a little trouble believing all the sympathy you're getting, Ms. Psycho Crazy Email Reader. Your behavior is wrong and pathetic, and there is NO excuse for it, I don't care how callously he behaved. You seem to feel that your being very upset (although seriously, it's hard to believe that it really never ocurred to you that being a zillion miles apart on a permanent basis just might have a negative impact on the relationship) gives you an excuse for this insane, stalker-y behavior. It doesn't! You are no better than that nutjob with the staring problem from a couple of months back. And if you were a guy, I don't think the females on this board would have nearly as much sympathy for you. This is not a normal, healthy step in the grieving process. It's shameless and pathetic.

You admit you're out of control and just can't stop yourself. You need help! Get it immediately.

Only the lowest cad would break up with you via email.
Consider yourself lucky, for God's sake stop checking his gmail, and get on with your own life. Nothing good ever comes of looking back.

Had a lover who was irrationally jealous, accusing me falsely of "cheating" on her. She started checking my email (on my laptop when it was in her apartment). I found out when she said to me that she no longer suspected that I was unfaithful. I asked her how she had come to the correct conclusion that "Barbara" and I were not involved. She told me that she now believed me because she had read all the emails in my in box. I don't know whether it was the jealousy or the breaking into my email, but I realized that this was not the relationship for me (no matter how good she was in bed). It won't work when I can't trust her because she can't trust me. What goes around comes around, no?

I've done it and it'll only get you nowhere fast... you know enough now to realize it's not going to work out (for now) and you need to stop. The only reason I stopped was when my therapist basically told me I was nuts and I needed to stop. I never felt so stupid as when she told me this and the look in her eyes. It worked though. I never did it again...and she has helped me through it in every way! Nothing good will come of checking his emails...I'll tell ya that much.

OH hunny, been there, done that. I have learned the hard way never to check email of a current boyfriend or ex. You are NEVER going to like what you find. I found out my bf was living a double life. It made me sick when I found the emails. The trust, his of me and mine of him was gone. Our relationship ended months later. Then I did it again with my current SO. Things turned out exactly as the previous relationship except we were both willing to work through it. I've never looked back and neither has he. I've also never checked his email again and many months later he proposed. I've learned now I'd rather not know what they are doing. Ignorance is bliss

Go out and buy "It's Called A Breakup Because It's Broken" STAT.
#1 Rule is NO CONTACT and STOP CHECKING HIS EMAIL. Swear to God, it's in the book. It's a tough love guide to break-ups and it totally saved me from my last breakup. And, he was 26 and I was 28. Now i'm happily engaged to the next guy who came along. Everything happens for a reason.

Wow, you have been illegally accessing his email? As a guy, I'm glad he left you.
Maybe after four years he figured out that you can't be trusted (not specifically about email, or else he would have changed the password).
Wouldn't it be funny if he was just living in nearby Revere but told you that he was going to Indonesia (a la Chandler Bing moving to Yemen, to get away from psychotic Janice, on "Friends") just to end it all without the drama.
Please write back if you run into him at Market Basket next week, so we can all hear how it went.

@Huh "Truman, if your friend is still doing this, don't you feel any responsibility to tell her ex what she's doing so he can change the password?"
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I don't her ex, his email address or his password. If I did, I might let him know, if only to stop her from making herself crazy. All I can do is let her know I think it's wrong, for a lot of reasons.

Truman:

"Take care of yourself and move on to someone who deserves you."

What man deserves a girlfriend who trusts him so little she spies on him and continues spying after a break-up?

I can imagine the Craigslist posting now: "I like walks on the beach, sunsets in the mountains, and stealing your password so I can read your personal emails and then mark them as unread so you'll never know. Call me -- I'm stalker-riffic!"

Two words: "no" and "thanks!"

It's amazing, the number of people who think its somehow ok to perform an immoral, illegal (it is a crime) act, because the guy broke up with you via email.

Dave says, Craig's List is your friend. A casual encounter with a young gentleman wearing a bag over his head so you don't have to worry about what you've done is the perfect solution to all your ills. Dave says losing a man to an Indonesian woman isn't the worst thing that could have happened to you. It could have been an Indonesian man.

Think of the worst thing you could possibly read in his email, and let your fear of someday seeing it keep you from going back. It can also help to tell a trusted friend, to help keep you honest once you decide to stop peeking.

Tons of people do this, and they are not psychopaths. Electronic technology makes it too easy, and we are horrified by the ugly side of ourselves that lets us snoop, but it can be really hard to stop once you have access. Plus, there's a sort of addictive buzz to the excitement of what illicit tidbit you might discover. There truly is an addictive quality to the problem.

I also checked my BF's email and what I discovered convinced me to break up with him. And still I checked it every day, until about 2 months ago. Now, I don't want to know. It is better that way.

The need to spy does not signify a healthy relationship. One other thing you should know - scroll all the way down to the bottom of your gmail screen. There's a single line that reads "Last account activity" and gives a time. If you click on the Details button it tells you the time and IP address of the last login. If you think he won't know you've been in his email, you'd be wrong. All he has to do is click.

Everything Meredith had to write times two. For your own happiness, cut off your access to his gmail account. You don't have to out yourself. Go to a public internet facility like a library ( so nobody can trace your IP address ), create a fresh email account, tell him under an assumed name you broke into his account, and prove it by forwarding him one of his emails.

I'm amazed at how many people check other people's email.

Ethics?

>> "create a fresh email account, tell him under an assumed name you broke into his account, and prove it by forwarding him one of his emails."

That's the dumbest idea I've ever heard of in my life. That's like something George Costanza would do.

I didn't read all the comments. If you don't want to tell him to change his password, then log on and deliberately mistype the password several times. It will then shut down his G Mail account until he resets it. This way you force yourself to move on although he might wonder if you were trying to hack his account;)

Love the "check to unread" tip. Hope I am never tempted to use it, though. My personal experience with these obsessions is they keep you down, not the person that you are obsessing about. The other person has long ago moved on and if he/she find out about your crazy stalking they just, well, think you're crazy.

Never, ever break into a partner's email. No matter how distressed you are - it's a violation. Talk, talk, talk, talk, talk. If he won't talk, see a therapist on your own. If therapy offers nothing, walk away from the relationship. But DON'T read others' mail, e or snail, without permission. For me, it's a hard limit, something I won't give up no matter how much I love my partner.

People have a right to some modicum of privacy.

Another thing to note: In Gmail, the footer logs account activity. It tells the user when they log in the last time the account was accessed and from what IP address. He can see when you checked his email....another reason to stop! (note: IP addresses are linked to location, so if he searches on your IP address it will say Boston, MA or wherever you live, not Indonesia).

For all of you who check other people's gmail - Gmail logs every login along with dates, times and IP addresses (it pinpoints your location to the city)
So a gmail user can tell who last logged in to his account, when and from where