He wants to get married

Shortest answer to date for me:

Do not get married until you figure out what is lacking in your own life, your own emotional / psychological configuration.

Clearly, you are trying to talk yourself into the fact that he's the right one and you make it sound like he wants to get married because his friends are. Not good. Not good at all.

To be even more blunt, I would suggest taking a break. Some time apart. Reassess your feelings for each other and your expectations for each other from beyond the current arm's length situation.

That's all the time we've got for today. Please exit to the left.

Hoss

We need to know more about him and less about the writer. Expectations seems a bit needy and self absorbed. I don't think she really understands what she wants or what is going to make her happy in a relationship, so waiting to get married may not be a bad thing. She never really says that she loves him. What's up with that?

Rico is feeling good today and likes this letter so here goes...

Rico Says:

As Rico read the letter and the subsequent respons from Meredith he thought of things to say and Meredith hit on one of them. We'll focus on that first. Rico thinks you should be going to your boyfriend first instead of to your friends. Your friends could always be the backup plan for now. Until you give him a chance how do you really know whether he is capable? Rico assumes from the letter that you have preconceived ideas about his ability and you are not giving him a chance. You mention career goals. For example if you want a job that you never did before how do you know you can advance to the position if you aren't given the chance to show you can? Put a carrot in front of his face and see what happens. You might be pleasantly surprised, and if not then you'll know otherwise for sure. That being said it shouldn't be the only reason to split with him.

Rico is thinking there is more to this than you say. People grow and you and he may grow together or apart but you won;t know till you try. Is there a history of divorce in your family/life? You seem hesitant for some reason. Marriage and children do not mean you can't pursue career or personal goals unless a goal is to date many other men or women. You need to decide whether he is someone you would liek to grow with or not because at your age it is easier to get back into the dating scene than it will be after you've been married, had children, etc...It hurts but better to end it early and move on than to go 12, 15, 30 years to decide "hmmm I think maybe I made a mistake".

Rico thinks that maybe you should talk with family members about these issues? If it is family that you saw divorce in then ask them why. You may not get a good answer so be prepared to hear the worst. Maybe a counselor would be able to help you? Rico is curious.

Rico is saying not to just give up but to give him a chance to be the guy you want him to be. Dating is like a bunch of tests and if they pass them then they graduate to marriage. Marriage is an advanced degree and the tests only get harder and never end so be prepared for some work, both you and he. Sound good?

Let Rico and his readers know how you do.

Love Rico

Everyone go outside today and enjoy the weather, walk, bike, etc... Tomorrow is even better so please walk to work or ride a bike instead of the car or bus or train/subway. Rico has gone Green and will be out there on his bike tomorrow. Join him!!!

I'd say you can't expect HIM to be able to be there for you on an emotional level but that doesn't mean that you should just let it go. If this is what you need and he's not giving it to you then you need to find somebody else. Some men (and women) are just dense when it comes to providing emotional support. I agree with Meredith that you've got him running around trying to be who you want him to be. That's not fair to either of you because he won't live up to that because it's just not him. Especially since he's aware of it and he's trying and it still doesn't seem to be working for you. You can't change somebody...you can change their habits like not throwing their dirty clothes on the floor or not leaving the toilet seat up. But you can't change the general emotional make up of somebody. Yes he sounds like a great guy, just not necessarily the great guy for you.

I'm continually amused at (usually) women who haven't yet figured out that life doesn't really run on their schedule. So Expectations is 26 and she wants to wait till 30 to get married. Somehow in the next four years she has to meet Mr. Right, date him long enough to know he's The One and then I'm betting she already has the wedding planned out, she just needs that guy part to get figured out, and hopefully he'll fit into that tuxedo she's picked out for him. Guess what -- you may be able to pull it off, but there's just as much of a chance you'll be 35 and still looking for Mr Right, which you need to make peace with -- that's going to be OK or not -- and you might be SO picky that you'll never meet him. Maybe that sounds like I'm telling you to "settle" with the guy you're with -- or maybe it's a big red flag that you and he needs to move on so he can find someone he can get married to, not someone who is wishy washy about it. After two years, you should have a pretty good idea about this, and sad to say, it's not looking good for this relationship.

Also, getting married doesn't mean you get pregnant on your honeymoon and it doesn't somehow remove you from being able to complete a degree or make that next promotion. It's not the 1950's any more. Why NOT get married and enjoy a few years of the child-free life? Of course, I would say that you DO need to know when you want to start having kids, etc -- and let's also not forget that biology doesn't act on a schedule, either -- just because YOU want to get pregnant on your 30th birthday doesn't mean it's going to happen, either. From having two children, myself, I can say there's some part of me that wishes I had had them earlier -- when I had more energy.

I also don't understand why women expect to have Mr. Right somehow not only support them financially and with stuff around the house, but also somehow be interested in shoe shopping and other "emotional" stuff, problems at work, etc. There is a real value to having friends you can talk to about problems, independent of your spouse -- because, guess what, I'll bet even Cinderella had some marital problems with her prince and she likely wanted to talk to someone else about it. Has he been there for "big" problems (deaths, family problems, your own relationship problems, sickness)? Does not supporting you emotionally mean he doesn't notice when you get your hair cut or get a new pair of shoes? Do you support HIM emotionally?

To sum up, it looks like you are at a point where you need to break it off now or get engaged soon. It's not a time to dicker if you want to find someone else.

I think if after two years you're still hesitating, then maybe there is a good reason. Is there something in the relationship that makes you hesitate to talk to him about your true feelings? Does he not react in a way that you're used to?
One of the things that helps in any relationship is defining what you're expecting to get out of it. It's highly unrealistic to expect everything from one person. Your significant other is necessarily going to support you differently than your girlfriends (mainly because, well, he's male, and they try to fix things, whereas we ladies are much better at just listening and offering sympathy). Every good relationship is dependent on balance. What happens if you’re depending on one person for everything, and then all of a sudden he goes out of town? Having a separate support system is never a bad thing, but if it’s more than that I suggest taking some time to examine how you really feel about the situation. It may be that you’re just not ready for the commitment that he’s asking of you. That’s a fair thing, considering you’re only 26, but you owe it to him to be honest with him and allow him the freedom to go look for someone else if he is set on marriage right now. You may find out that he’s willing to wait for you, and just needs the reassurance that you’ll be ready some day, if not today. If that’s not how you feel, then you need to let him know, no matter how hard it ends up being.

Dear Planned Parenthood Poster Child:

OMG, you are so way more evolved than your pleasing poser of a boyfriend. Can you even tell me why you are living with this shallow, swilling, toilet seat leaver upper? Is it a domicile of convenience or does he just have big hands? It’s easy to cast men as emotionally bereft. We are works in process; seldom able to grow and adapt. We know what we know, but somebody’s got to love the old lug. This is a great time to move out of your love nest. Put your pathos in a veil and don’t look back. At 26 you might consider waiting until you’re 40 to have kids. Who knows what accomplishments in life might alter your forecast of maternity at 30. Most importantly, we can never be sure that your boyfriend’s learning curve will mirror your own. Better to find a man already emotionally developed. Who knows…he may even offer to become pregnant and have the baby c-section. Anyhow; you’re 26, it’s your life to lead, to do things right and make mistakes. That’s what this time is for. Your boyfriend will be fine. Remember, it’s his time too.

Go slowwwww....sistah.

You aren't ready, and you probably will be broken up with him soon anyway...

Don't introduce marriage.

This isn't about what he is not. It's about what you are not, and quite clearly, you are not mature enough to get married. You sound way too high maintenance for this nice guy. He wants to be your husband, not your shrink, your mom, or your BFF. If you need that much emotional support now, I cannot even imagine what you think life will be like once you've ""settled” down. (I did note those quotation marks you used.) Settling down means “settling” for you and they're two entirely different things. Your guy deserves someone who doesn't think settling down with him is settling for less than you deserve. Be a big girl and go pursue those career and personal goals, but don't waste his time if you don't see his place beside you in the life you imagine.

"I never really thought that I'd end up with a guy like him."
You don't mean this as a compliment, obviously. What DO you mean? Think about that.

Rico fells the need to add another few words after reading the responses so far:

Rico loved the talk about life on a schedule, when she'll get married, preganant etc... and especially the tuxedo already picked out and hope he will fit into it when the time comes. Rico thought that was good stuff.

After reading it Rico thought for a moment and wanted to add that yes life is not on a schedule and it is very possible you could be an emotional wreck at 35 with a ticking biological clock wondering when Mr. right (perfect) is going to walk through that door. Rico has met girls like this and is always amused about what these women want/need. Their expectations are ridiculous and unattainable even under the best of circumstances. Rico thinks you need to look in the mirror and see who you really are and grow up. 26 may be young but it is not 16 and you are not in college either so it's time to face the facts and discover reality.

Rico also reserves his right to come back and add another comment as the day progresses.

Within every relationship there is Me, You and Us...You and Me need to have friends and other interests other than Us or the Us will disintigrate in time leave Us as You and Me.

Follow me? It is ok to rely on a friend for emotional support or to go shopping with. If Rico's wife took him shopping it would be the first time. Guys do guy things, girls do girl things and some of those things overlap however some of them don't. Women are more emotionally intelligent than Men. Rico doesn't know why this is but it is a fact.

Thank you and have a nice day.

Love always,

Rico

#5 - Realist-
But at least Cinderella's prince did have the shoe stuff in place. Did he not?

Once i had love and it was a gas
Soon turned out, had a shoe of glass

If I'm here and you're here then isn't this OUR TIME?

I think the writer has some issues to work out before getting married. Most importantly this issue of emotional support is imperative to a relationship. But I don't get the impression that she goes to her BF first she goes to her friends, so of course he isn't going to give her the support she says she needs/wants. She needs to go to him first. And quite possibly if this is the only "issue" in the relationship then maybe they can do counseling to see if they can provide the emotional support to each other that they need.

It would be interesting to see why the BF wants to get married is it because of the pressure of others getting married or is that just a coincidence?

And she needs to work with what life tosses her way and not try to make it bend to her schedules. I wanted to get married at 25 I didn't find the guy at that age, I found him later and got married at 32. Once I let go of my schedule I was much happier. And I bristle slightly at the thought or being married as "settling down" as it has an inference of being stodgy and not living life. And no one said that they had to have kids either immediately or ever for that matter, so that argument is a bunch of hooey. I feel that I am more free now that I have been married than I ever was before.

Do your boyfriend a favor and dump him now. Let him find go, so he can go find someone who loves him for who he is.

Marriage is a one-way ticket down the burning road to Hell. Stay single and you will be forever happy

Friends do not necessarily fade away and grow more distant as people get older. There is no reason for one'sour horizon and worldview to become more limited and our tent smaller as children come along. Family includes robust, fun, engaged relationships with one's spouse, children, friends and extended family and happiness and support derives from cultivating all of those relationships, not just the first two. So keep your friends but also rely on and care for your reticent SO

I think -- speaking as a 26-year-old woman who has been married for a year and a half -- that if you are referring to marrying this guy as "settling down," he's not The One! Marriage is fun, exciting and can be emotionally supportive, too, if you work HARD at it. I have the best job of my life and my now-husband stuck with me through the bad ones I had before this, while we were dating. In fact, if it weren't for him supporting me, I know I couldn't have achieved the career goals I've reached. I say, go find someone you're passionate about and can't live without!

You're clearly not ready for marriage, and it sounds like you're not in love with your boyfriend.

You need to have a long talk with him about your relationship. If you find you're not ready and not in love with him, cut him loose so he can find the right person. It's not fair to either of you to stay in a relationship that isn't working.

Good golly. LW is an idiot. Way too immature to get married. First off: has he asked? Is there a ring in a box that you are refusing to wear? Didn't mention an actual proposal, so, huh, no real decision to make now is there.

Still, men often "float" the idea to see if the gal is on the same page. Sound like you have likely given him reason to doubt and he's not off at the Long's sale this week.
If you love him and want to marry him at 30...well then, next time it comes up just tell him you have a long engagement in mind since you really want to do "A, B, and C" tasks before marriage.

Secondly, you have your gal pals that support you "emotionally." Does that mean you gab with them on the phone when someone slights you at work or when you feel like you want to cheat on your diet? That is not emotional support, that's girl talk. Say it with me: "girl talk." When you are sad or lonely or sick, does BF make an effort to be there? When you have a problem to discuss, does he listen and offer advice? Does he follow up to see if you feel better or ask what happened next? That, my friend is grown-up, marital support.

I say dump him so some more mature, self aware, less silly girl can snatch him up! Oh, and she will...maybe even one of your supposed gal pals.

Honestly, I think that if after more than two years, you really still can't figure out if he's the one or not, it means he's not. If you felt that you truly loved him but were just concerned about the compatibility, that would be one thing. But that's not what's you're saying.

You either love someone warts and all, or you don't. You can't keep him hanging on forever while you see if you can 'fix' him before deciding if he's the one. Let him go.

"I have thought about breaking up with him several times because of his inability to support me emotionally, but somehow, he has this ability to pull me back in by doing something sweet."

I can tell you one thing: "doing something sweet" is not going to get you through til death do you part.

You don't sound mature enough to consider getting married. And if he is bowing to external pressures to get married, then neither is he. Stick to your guns and tell your boyfriend that you are not ready. If he is so desperate to get married, then he should move along and you should let him go.

Sounds like a "deal breaker" to me. Be prepared to see him leave... shortly.

Well, Momma has some concerns here. First, that Miss Meredith says he sounds like a gem, even after you said he is not emotionally available for you. Not that your life partner has to be your shrink-but an emotionally unavailable partner is not going to sit up all night with the sick kids or hold your hand at your mother's funeral. Just because a person can support your physically and financially, doesn't make them marriage-ready. 26 is awfully young to be pressured into marriage, especially when one has unfulfilled career and life plans. Momma was well into her 30s before taking the plunge and thanks every day that she was.
Miss Exectations, you answered your own question when you said 'I'm not sure if he is the one.' If he was "The ONE"-you would know, Duckie.

No one should get married because you are at that age and everyone else is doing it. I think you are both succumbing to a "matrimonial" clock - his is ticking because of peer pressure and yours is not ticking because you have a timetable agenda in your head.

Neither one of you has come up with the real reason to be married - because you are both so in love that you cannot imagine your life without the other. If this is not the case on either part, especially after 2 years, then he is probably not the one for you and you are not the one for him.

How would you feel if he left?

Sit and really consider it. Can you live without him? If so, break it off and let him find the right woman. If not, then you know, now, don't you?

I wonder what "emotional support" means? By my experience that means you want him to listen to you complain. Complain about your day, that b*tch at work, your mother, the salesgirl at the shoe store, etc. Do you need "support" when everything is going well, when you are happy and content?

Be happy that you have girlfriends that you can share your complaints with. Because guys don't do that. No, I do not want you here you go on and on about some problem. That is what friends are for. If you expect to get married and bellyache to your husband, then you will find out that maybe his cute secretary doesn't complain.

no one should marry in their 20's, period, too young and have not experienced enough
that why she's having doubts,
and the ones that do marry are usually divorced or miserable at some point,

sorry thats the ugly truth

I always thought that I would know when I met the right man, but it turns out I only know when I've met the wrong man. Sounds like you met the wrong one. I say if he's not there for you emotionally, move on. Frankly, it sounds like you're ready to bolt...maybe you just need that little shove.

Run. Don't walk. You are way too uninvested in this relationship to even consider moving forward. However, if you stay, start talking to your boyfriend instead of your friends. You may be amazed by the results.

Marry him now. In a few years, look me up for an affair when you need some emotional support from someone who will listen to you. But stay with him because he'll pay the bills.

Why can't you achieve your personal and career goals together, with him? The short answer is, you could and you'd want to, if you loved him. But this personal goal thing and the fact that you've thought several times about breaking up with him means you don't. Simple. The relationship is done. Don't overanalyze it, go with your gut. You feel how you feel and you can't help that.

When my husband and I were dating I looked at our relationship in terms of deal breaker evaluation: when each trial came along or a peccadillo popped up I asked myself, "Is this a deal breaker, or can I live with it?" We've been together for 14 years so I can clearly live with a lot. So can he. It's not a very romantic way of looking at things, but marriage is NOT romantic in the long term. I don't know what constitutes a deal breaker for you. You have to have your own criteria. If his not being as emotionally available as your friends is a deal breaker, then move on. If you can't envision yourself completing your career goals with him around, then move on.

"Let Rico and HIS readers know how you do."

Getting a little full of yourself there, aren't you, buddy?

Expectations... Stoop trying to change the guy. If you aren't ready and he is, that's fine. Tell him the truth and he can make his own decision about whether you're worth waiting for.

As a 25 year old woman with a lot of experience with guys who lack emotional support, I get where you're coming from.

I think you need to identify the emotional support you need, in order to help you figure out what's missing from your life. How do your friends give you that support? Do they talk things out with you? Give you advice? Let you cry on their shoulders? Let you call them at 3am when you have a problem? While it's nice to have friends that do that, it's true their availability to you may fluctuate as things like marriage, careers, and children come into the picture. A husband will be someone that you partner with for the rest of your life. Day or night, he should be able to at least try to give you what you need (as you identify above). You shouldn't pin all of your emotional support only on your friends - family, friends, and partner should all be sources of support. You need to be direct and tell him "I need....... in order to feel fulfilled in this relationship" . Men aren't mindreaders. If he can't give you what you need, how do you expect to have a fulfilling marriage?

If you think this issue is the only one keeping you from seeing him as The One, see how receptive he is after discussing this. If he's not receptive, it doesn't sound like it's going to work out. Don't continue the relationship. If he is receptive and wants to do a better job at giving you what you need, give him some time to work on it and see how you both feel. Don't jump into ring shopping by any means.

No. Don't marry him. If you're not sure, don't marry him. You will always want more than he can deliver. He is what he is, and you will confirm this if you stay with him for the next four years. You were smart to set age 30 as a time to consider marriage.

I think it is interesting that you (a woman) are even asking this question. Without going too far out on my feminist limb, think for a second. It is perfectly acceptable for men to tell women that they want to wait to get married until they are established in their careers and accomplish goals that they have set for themselves. In fact, this is seems to be the norm! Why on earth would it be a big deal for you to set up those same goals? I applaud you for it! GOOD FOR YOU! I am your age and I feel the same way, who cares about marriage when I am working on what I truly want out of life! Our culture sets us up to feel like failures if we aren't married and pregnant by 30!
However in reality, the world is now the woman's oyster and we can and do have it all! Wait until you are ready!
There is a part 2 to your letter - the emotional issue. I think this is a very valid concern. Your partner needs to be able to fully support you in every way you want. However if I may recommend a book "The Four Love Languages" which may help because your partner may be expressing his love in a different "language" than yours. I found the book interesting anyway. It may not apply for you though. Also in order to really figure out if you can live with his emotional detachment (it IS promising that he is working on it.) maybe you should see a therapist for a professionals point of view. Just my two cents!

Hmmm... It sounds like you're keeping him around until you find someone better. WHy are you doing this to him? Be honest with yourself, please. You're not a bad person, but stop dragging this poor man around with you. I suspect that, the emotional problem, in which you've claimed you have with your bf is all you. It is hard to be emotionally connected with someone when you're already know you, or not sure that you want to be with them for the rest of your natural life. So if you cannot see yourself with him in the future, then let him go, or both of you will regret it later

Love

Ruth

"I never really thought that I'd end up with a guy like him." Enough said. Break it off and let him find someone who is going to appreciate him for "him", not who you are trying to make him.

"I never really thought that I'd end up with a guy like him." Enough said. Break it off and let him find someone who is going to appreciate him for "him", not who you are trying to make him.

That (#3) cannot be the real Rico. If it is, then it's absolutely his worst response ever. What a bunch of babbling nonsense...

Why does she need so much "emotional support"?

realist, did you say "it's not time to dicker"?
Everyone has goals in life, things they want to accomplish during thier time here. I don't see how a relationship or marrige will get in the way of any goals or dreams you may have. I bet good companionship, having a strong bond with someone you truely enjoy being around is better than any "professional goal" you have or would achieve. At the end of the day you have to come home from work and be able to sleep at night knowing you put in an honest effort and get up the next day and do it all over again. A companion is more important than any job you'll ever have, they are there far more than the 40-50hrs you put in a week. Friends come and go, and if at 26 you don't get the dynamic of who your close friends are and the simple fact that contact becomes more sporadic. Bottom line, you need to have the ability to have have simple and difficult conversations with your mate.
You clearly do not sound ready to commit to this guy or any guy at this point. Sounds like theres some feelings of wanting to get out and explore. Only to find that when you're 30, 35, 40, and still single chasing the corporate dream, he's going to be happily married probably with a family.
Lastly, being a guy, and reading your comments; if you told him what you just wrote I gurantee he will get it. If this is important to you, take him out somewhere, sit down and talk to him about it.

Since you have questions about your boyfriend, and you're not engaged yet, I think you've answered your own question: he's not the one. He may be 80% of what you're looking for, but he's not 100%.
Besides which, you are still molten as a human being. Who you are today at 26, is guaranteed to be very different that who you will be at 36. Give yourself a chance to grow as a woman in your career, gaining confidence in your own abilities and professional accomplishments.
Be thankful that you figured this out before you got married and had three rug rats clinging to your ankles. Don't fall into the trap that because you're talking about marriage that it's right for the two of you together.

Expectations, the best thing you can do for BOTH of you is to gently break up with him. If he wants to get married, then he should be with someone who wants to marry him. And if you don't want to get married, then you shouldn't waste your time or his in a relationship that will never result in a happy marriage.

Try to let him off easy and hopefully you'll both find what you're looking for.

I think everyone is being a little unfair. She's 26 and not ready to get married. Give her a break. She's absolutely correct to wait if she is not ready, but she feels badly because she is with a great guy who is feeling the pressure to get married because all his friends are getting married and settling down. Which is funny, because it is usually the other way around (girl feeling pressured, guy not ready). I say, it doesn't matter how great the guy is - if the timing is not right, then it wouldn't be right no matter who she is with. So "Expectations" - stick to your guns and if you are not ready to get married, then don't. If he is the right one for you, then it will still be right when you're ready. And if not, then so be it. No matter how great he is, if you are tying yourself down before you are ready, all you're doing is setting yourself up for failure. It may work out, but your chances are slimmer if your heart isn't really in it.

Good luck. I waited until I was 38 because the timing wasn't right before that, and it was the very best decision for me - I am happily married to the greatest guy ever.

Time apart Hoss? Has anyone ever taken "time apart" and actually
gotten back together? ;)

The one who should leave is him, not her.

Hit the bricks.

You should let him go...you don't seem to like him very much.

simple answer to this situation - nobody is going to be everything to you. If it does happen its very rare and probably not a good thing. You have your friends for a reason..... Sounds like you are not ready for the big step and by the way, whats the big deal about getting divorced.... it happens to 50% of all marriages anyway! Ah, the sanctity...

simple answer to this situation - nobody is going to be everything to you. If it does happen its very rare and probably not a good thing. You have your friends for a reason..... Sounds like you are not ready for the big step and by the way, whats the big deal about getting divorced.... it happens to 50% of all marriages anyway! Ah, the sanctity...

He is a guy. Pure and simple. If you are looking for him to act like one of your girlfriends that will never happen. Nor should it. Great girlfriends are a treasure. They are your comrades through the ups and downs of life. They are distinctly different then your significant other and thats how it should be. Your husband should be your best friend not your "best girlfriend". It sounds like you know what you want right now. Good for you. Stay with "the plan" and if he is the right guy it will work itself out in the end.

Rico's last response today:

Rico has been keeping tabs on the other peoples responses and he is beginning to lean towards hoping this guy goes to meet someone new and more understanding of who he is. Someone that will be happy with him as a person (maybe change his style a bit) and take him for better or worse.

Rico has come to the conclusion that maybe this woman (young lady) needs a heavy dose of reality.

Rico still thinks you need to resolve the issues in your own life in how you view a marriage and divorce and the idea of a timeline of when to get married, have kids etc...

You can have a career, get a degree, fly in the space shuttle, write a book, etc...while being married and having children. Sounds to Rico like you are the one with a low Emotional Intelligence. Dr Daniel Goleman has written some great stuff and given lecture's Rico believes you can find on youtube. Get started there and let this great guy go. Save him from making a big mistake with someone who is settling for him.

Thank you again and have a great day.

Rico is full of himself and yes, Rico knows this. Rico also happens to know when he is right or wrong and understands he is not perfect.

Rico loves giving advice and enjoys other readers comments about him. Please keep up the critique, the insults and the praise. Rico loves it all :)

Love always,

Rico

When you know, you know. When you don't know, you know.

Talk to your boyfriend....he is feeling the pressure because all of his friends are getting married and having families. You are not ready for this yet, and he probably isn't either. Be honest with him, tell him you are not ready, and won't be for quite a while. The two of you are still so young, and have so much ahead of you to experience. If you are meant to be together, you will be, if not the both of you will find someone else. Enjoy your life before the responsibilites of marriage, and a family come along.

Have you ever thought about growing with your boyfriend... TOGETHER? Why can't you both have goals for eachother's best interests in life? He may want marriage, but he could also have the best interests in your goals as well. Have you asked him? Have you actually TALKED about your future?
In October, I will be marrying my best friend. I can tell him everything, and he gives me support and love throughout. BUT, I have my girlfriends who give me a different level of emotional support, and I can tell different things to easier than I can my fiancee. Thats why we have friends in life, and its why they are so important. And there is nothing wrong with that.
What I think you really need to think about, with you and the relationship with your boyfriend is... "Can I live without him?" If you answer this truthfully, then you should know the best decision for your life.

#28: no one should get married in their 20s? that's kind of a blanket statement don't you think? I have friends who married in their 20s who are still going strong now that we are in our mid to late thirties -- and others who are on their second marriages. It really depends on the person.

What is the point of marrying someone you don't want to end up with? This just sounds like the makings of a very expensive Bon Voyage party, not a wedding.

Whether your expectations are legitimate or not, whether his behavior is acceptable or not, the situation as presented screams: "You should not get married." If you have to write into an advice column to try and sort this out, you definitely are not in the requisite head-space to marry this guy.

I'm about your age and was in a somewhat similar situation. Ending that relationship was difficult, but here I am a year later, and I couldn't be happier that I broke it off. If it's not right, it's not right. There's no reason in the world to rush into this. Be young, have fun, and find someone who really understands you and gets you going.

Ms. Expectations - when your boyfriend is talking about getting married, you need to emphasize that you don't want to get married before 30 and that is final. However, if this is a deal breaker for him, it is only fair to let him walk away and find someone who is ready now.

Also, your feelings for him sound pretty ambivalent already and who wants to get married with a start like that. Honestly, if you really love (and are in love with) with someone, you would be excited about getting married and not feeling the whole "settled" thing anyway.

As far as the whole emotional support thing, you need to remember men and women really are from different planets emotionally. My husband has always been there for the big stuff in our lives, ready to support me however I need. However, I learned very early on in our relationship, that he doesn't want to passively listen to my problems and offer emotional support, he wants to help me actively solve the problem (whatever it may be.) So if it is something I want input on solving I discuss it with him, but if I just want to kvetch, I talk to my friends. For me, having these good friends to vent to has kept me and my husband sane.

If you really don't see this guy in your future, you should gently (as possible) set him free. That way you both can find the loves of your life and not settle for anything. Good luck!

If you don't know then walk away.....if you even have to ask then walk away
Let the guy go so he can pursue his dream.
You sound very selfish and therefore you are not ready to get married.

No one person can be everything to you. Neither can you be everything to another. Your expectations might be a little unrealistic and you should probably check that first.

"He's known my plans ever since we started dating that I probably won't really be ready to get married and have kids until I'm around 30." I wonder, did he share HIS plans? What about that word "probably"... Probably he thought you were flexible on this. Also, "around 30" is defined differently by everyone depending on the situation.

If you want to resolve things, I think some uninterrupted communication between you and the BF is in order.

I have to agree with exvermonter today. Too many people stay with someone because they are too afraid of not having that person there. No one should ever feel pressured into marriage, and there is nothing wrong with not wanting to be married at the age of 26...or 36 for that matter! If something is missing and you feel it isn't "right," then it probably isn't. There are lots of people out there.
Thank you Rico for updating your response today, I agree with your 3rd more than your 1st...but love reading them all!

How amazing would it be if the actual Rico was....Meredith? Mico thinks Rico got too much fresh air and sunshine today.

Love All Ways,
Mico

Two years is a long time to date and not think about marriage, no matter how old you are. Isn't the point of being in a serious relationship to find someone to marry? And you clearly don't want to marry this guy. Maybe it has to do with age, maybe it has to do with the emotional support, it doesn't matter. You shouldn't have to convince yourself that this is the guy you want to spend your life with. When you find him, there are no doubts.

And Merideth is right about friends moving away and changing when they have families of their own. You'll need your husband's friendship more than his paycheck.

Sounds like you started with the answer, and decided to build a question around it to send in for comment. You know the answer, stop jerking us around.

If you're "still trying to figure out if he's the one", he's not. If he's "the one" you know in your gut. If you really care about him, let him go find the one for him who wants to get married. It's great to wait for marriage when you're establishing yourselves financially but you say that you know he can support you financially, so what's the big deal? You can delay having children and work on your career goals as a married woman. For me the biggest red flag is that you've "thought about breaking up several times" WOW that says it all. Maybe you're not ready for marriage and that's perfectly okay but it's pretty obvious to me that you'll never be ready for him.

We all just want it to fit into our own little boxes, don't we?

Guys have a different attitude about emotions which is, unless you TELL them, they aren't going to see it. That's not a bad thing, it's just a thing. If you grew up in a hugely female family like I did where everybody always saw everything everyone ever felt, it can seem like he doesn't care or isn't "the one," when the reality is, you have to learn how to talk to him so that he understands. And it's not one talk, it's lots of talks

You can't just say "I need emotional support," you have to say "My boss swore at me today in a meeting and I broke down in the ladies’ room and I've been feeling crappy all day and what I need you to do is hug me and tell me I'm not stupid." Men respond better to that. When they know what to do, they love to do it.

And I may get my head chopped off for this, but there really is no “one.” There’s actually many. You could choose a number of people to spend the rest of your life with, all with good outcomes. Just be where you are, so to speak, and work on communicating with your guy in a way that helps him appreciate what you want from him. And remember: it’s not a fault if he’s a guy and thinks like a guy. Don’t blame him for that. There’s two people in a relationship, it’s up to TWO people to work it out.

I'm a huge proponent of careful consideration before taking the plunge, but I have a core concern about what I'm hearing from this young woman:
She says, "...he still has to work on the ability to support me on the emotional level." The first thing you need to understand is that although it is important for your husband to provide a level of emotional support, it starts with your own maturity and strength. Do not make the mistake of assuming that he is responsible for YOUR emotional well-being. You also need to know that your level of need in this area will vary greatly as you grow older and ESPECIALLY after you have children. If you are this concerned now, it will only get worse later. You sound needy and somewhat high-maintenance to me. I speak from experience - I focused intently on being the most emotionally supportive husband I could be throughout my marriage. My wife and our friends always commented on how emotionally supportive I was throughout my marriage. We had 2 kids. 12 years into our marriage my wife informed me that didn't want to be married to me anymore. Why?? - because I didn't emotionally support her enough. Yea....I know... it IS as stupid as it sounds. Think about it....

Dear Expectations, what exactly do you mean by he lacks "emotional intelligence" ?I In any kind of relationship you will some times feel lonely or misunderstood. The key is that you both think it is worth working on and are actively engaged with each other. BUT don't convince yourself either way and remember, be fair to him. The best piece of relationship advice I ever got was "you can never change a man". And as women we have no one to blame except ourselves if we get disappointed in these futile endeavors. Do not move forward just because you see potential in what seems to be a huge issue for you--you risk becoming very frustrated and disappointed. But also remember that you have no guarantee that life will happen according to a set time-line (lots of people in their 20s think 30 is a magical age--it isn't)

I really feel sorry for the man.

Expectations is stringing him along. Does she really feel there's someone better on the other side of the (age 30) hill?

My advice to HIM to is to lose this Expectations chick, and find someone better for HIMSELF.

typical 26 year old clueless im 5 years away from knowing which way is up, i need to live up to my friends and society's wishes girl...

what a joke,

Wow, I feel really sorry for this guy. Lady, you are NOT the one for him. He deserves someone more emotionally mature. You sound like a spoiled, whiner.

I hope you don't ruin his life.

He deserves better than you. Let him loose.

This is another example of women's spoiled arrogance. Trying to change men, and expecting men to "make them happy". This woman is a loser. She wont be happy with anyone. Its all about her. Men cannot make her happy, only she can. She never will be.

"I love him, but I'm not in love with him". Thats code for "me, me, me." I hope the guy figures it out, and dumps her. Plenty of other fish in the sea.

Men don't change. Do not make him live up to your expectations without thinking you may need to live up to his. Give both of you a break. Do you miss him when you are not together. Do you feel like you are most comfortable when just you and he are together doing absolutely nothing? He sounds like a great guy but you sound like you want something different. Think it through. When do you truly feel the way you want to feel? if it is not when you are with him , do both of you a favor and move on. There are plenty of girls who will love him and you will, one day, find the man you want as well. I have been married for 31 years to the man I felt I could just be myself with. That has worked out.

The timing is suspicious; it doesn't sound like he wants to marry *her* so much as he wants to get married. When a man's friends settle down, it happens, and I don't think he's aware of it.

Good girlfriends can give you healthy emotional support, but your guy has to give you SOME emotional support. Your girlfriends are going to get married if they haven't already, have children, move away, drift apart. You need to be comfortable enough with your boyfriend that you can spend at least two weeks in a distant location with him as your main human interest without wondering if he is enough for you. Because that's going to be your honeymoon.

I never thought I would think this, but reading these Love Letters makes me glad I'm gay. Women like this are never going to be happy. If she gets married to this poor guy, he can count on years of bellyaching (as "Mark" put it). And I love the 25 year old "with a lot of experience" with guys who lack emotional support. 25??Jeesh!! Sounds like she needs some psychaitric support, not emotional support. I'll stick with my guy any day. If he bugs me, I say so. If I bug him, he says so. Ten minutes later we can watch a baseball game and we are fine.

Break it off. Take time to figure out what you want in life and don't expect other people to make you happy. It's totally unfair and unrealistic. They can add to your contentment, but only you can make yourself happy.

Phil (#45), you are making my point.

These two individuals clearly do not seem to belong together. She is doing him no favors by dragging it out, being unsure if he's "the one" (aside: Is there a more absurd concept than the idea that there is one and only one individual that is right for you?!?!?), and killing time until her marriage clock strikes midnight (i.e. when she turns 30 years old).

"Take a break" was a nice way of saying he deserves better than you.

p.s. Methinks Rico added entertainment value for a while, but he's crossing into the point where ego has clouded his perspective. Senor Rico, my advice to you would be to stop the hijacking of Love Letters and know your role, like the rest of us. This joint belongs to 'Dith Goldstein. It's her world, we just get invited over five times a week.

There, I said it.

Oh my god, I can't believe people on here. You slam married people who want divorces, and having entered into marriage with doubt to begin with, BUT you slam people who aren't yet married but considering their doubts before taking the plunge and actually considering not going through with it. Wow, oh wow...sounds like the majority of people on this board ended up marrying the first person they shared a slurpie with at 13, whether they liked that kid or not. It's like you all demand that people just force themselves to love and accept ANYONE they may have had ANY kind of relationship with, just for the sake of getting married and having kids. Hasn't anyone learned the reality that it is NEVER a good idea to get married for any reason OTHER than love and eagerness to really spend every single day for the rest of your life with this one person ONLY? Since when are doubts a crime, or a character flaw? How do you all know he "deserves better" or that she's "selfish." She's not looking for everything; she's really looking to feel right about such a huge commitment. If she doesn't, then it SOUNDS petty but the truth is, if she really loved him, the flaws really wouldn't matter.

Look at the flip side...would you want to marry someone who was only with you because it was the "thing to do?" Do you want that person to really love you, or not? If they don't, does that make them a bad person? Do you love, truly love, EVERY "good person" you come across? Does everyone love you? You can only marry ONE person, you know. Oh wait, you did force yourself to "love" the first good person you stumbled upon, that's right, silly me.

For example, reindeergirl, why do you "feel sorry for the man?" Do YOU love him? See if you can find out who he is, and marry him yourself, since you know you love him so much.

Sounds like a lot of you force yourselves to love someone "just because" and it's resulting in a lot of intolerance at others who haven't yet fallen into the same trap (and may not). Gee, I wonder why...

BEEN THERE DONE THAT! (I agree with Hoss)
Dont let "Anyone" pressure you into marriage! Thats how I ended up with my "EX" husband. I was pressured by him, our pastor, our family and friends. We were together for a years and a half, were living together, and I knew I wasnt ready for marriage. I wanted to wait til he was more mature and I was certain he was the one (thats what I told myself). But No! I had to listen to the, "well,we are living like we are married", "You might as well", "What are you waiting for", and my personal favorite "Shacking is a sin"! Let him go if hes not willing to wait and if you cant see a future with him. Honey, if its meant for you to be together. Then you will be....Just not right now! Good Luck!

I agree that there is unlikely to be only one "The One." The questions to ask are: Is your life better with this person in it? Does this person make you, or make you want to be, a better person? Can you live with this person for the rest of your life? (I like this idea of deal-breakers)
And, I'm sorry, but I'm still trying to figure out the difference between being emotionally supportive and doing something sweet. Isn't doing something sweet, being supportive?
I have several friends who were in relationships with partners who were reluctant to get married, but couldn't clearly articulate why. When the above questions were posed in this way, and the answers were affirmative, weddings were planned.
I'm in an absolutely wonderful marriage...life doesn't end when you get married, nor should your social life. I still see my girlfriends, my husband has friends and hobbies, and we have lots of common friends (and demanding careers). And thinking of it as "settling down" is only appropriate if you're currently being non-exclusive. For most of us who get married near/after 30, and lived together beforehand, marriage doesn't change day-to-day life much, but it makes a big difference in the big questions like who makes decisions for you if you can't do it for yourself, etc. (having children is another matter)
If you actually feel as if you'd be "settling" for this man (not just settling down), then I think you should break it off. No one should be a consolation prize.
Good luck.

Annoyed,

La reindeergirl is in a committed relationship - but thanks for being concerned for my well-being.

La reindeergirl is not poly.

Some of us have been with someone who, because their friends were all getting married around them, they wanted to as well. It's a really wacked out reason for wanting to get married. I've never heard of it coming from a guy.

_Do not_ get tugged into something if it doesn't feel right. Don't worry about him, friends, family; it is vital that you _resist_ the pressure. It should feel right for you. If it doesn't, don't do it.