Is 'strictly physical' OK?

CCS, Meredith is right. Have some respect for yourself and do not pursue this not-even-a-friend-with-benefits deal.

Feh, I had a no strings attached relationship during a time I really wanted a steady boyfriend and when one finally came along, the NSA guy and I just called it quits, no harm no foul. It's totally fine -- if YOU can handle it and don't get attached.

It can be hard to keep your head straight in this type of situation. You need to be honest with yourself about whether you can keep yourself from getting too emotionally attached. But, if the right guy comes along, it should be easy to drop the stud. I don't think having a physical relationship with this guy will keep you from meeting someone else.

If you're hoping that the cute Ryan guy will change his mind and become your boyfriend after you get naked and sweaty with him, then you're setting yourself up for trouble and more letter-writing to Meredith in a few months. But if you want to have a good time and no-strings-attached sex with him (which can be good in a naughty sort of way) with no expectations on your side, go for it. Just make sure to practice safe(r) sex.

Maybe since I've never had the "strictly physical" thing, ever, I have a bit of jealousy about it, but it seems that these things never, ever work out well.

If you even think you might want more from him, then don't enter into a physical relationship with him. He's already made it clear to you he doesn't want to be with you like that and you're just kidding yourself if you think he'll suddenly come around. You'd be asking for trouble and then you'd end up writing another letter about how he broke your heart.

If you think you can mentally handle just the physical no strings attached thing and not get it twisted then do it, have fun. Otherwise just wait until the right person comes along who wants to be in a relationship just as much as you do.

The no-strings thing is good, but you need to keep looking. Also, don't be available every time he wants a booty call. Cancel on him, tell him your busy. Heck, flat out tell him you got a date.

CCS-
Always remember this: It's much easier to get a job when you already have a job than it is to get one while you're unemployed. At your age (and we don’t need to exhaust the “safe sex” warnings here) you should be an Intern of Love. You have accepted an internship in the art of lovemaking and heartbreaking. Soon you’ll be ready for a 200 level course. By the time you manifest your steady boyfriend, you will have many credits toward your major in Sexpressionism. Your confidence and worldliness will be at a high level; so you can project a certain glow while luring the right guy. “Ryan” is a great stepping-stone toward achieving your goal. You don’t want to be taking Love 101 when you meet Mr. Right…You want to give him a seminar in “How to Rock My World”.

The fact you have to ask means that it isn't ok for you. Why on earth would you even consider shagging a guy who treats you like crap and ditched you without warning?

Just because it's an NSA relationship doesn't mean you should give up on being treated in a respectful manner.

Fresi is exactly right. This guy fell off your radar without warning and came back only when another girl wouldn't have him. That's not even a friend. If you pursue something with him, I suspect that you will feel bad about yourself down the road. You will feel used, even if you can let yourself believe now that you'd be using him just as much.
IMHO, friends-with-benefits relationships are always lopsided and leave one person feeling used. Perhaps I'm a (prematurely) old fuddy duddy, but I think you should save it for somebody whom you care about and who cares about you. This guy doesn't. Period.

P.S. "Co-eds"? Really?

OK everyone, Rico is back form a gorgeous weekend...

Rico is going to keep this one short and sweet:

Rico thinks that since you are young it may be a good lesson for you to learn on your own. Rico has had NSA relationships as have most of his readers at some point in their lives. We all (most of us) have dated someone that likes us more than we like them or vice versa. The fact is even without being in a "NSA" relationship you actually may be in one unknowingly till it is too late to understand what happened. Bottom line is this, you are young and deserve to enjoy your life. Be safe, be smart and have fun. If another guy comes along drop the NSA like a hot potato and give the relationship what it deserves, if you decide to keep the NSA till the "relationship" comes along. If you keep the NSA for now, do not, I REPEAT, DO NOT stop going out with friends and doing things that single people do. Keep your life as single as possible and enjoy this great weather, there are many single guys out there just waiting to meet someone for a relationship. Rico has been there and done it and you can too. Sorry everyone but Rico (ME) is not single :)

Rico hopes everyone had a great weekend and enjoyed this wonderful weather we are having. Looking forward to a nice week as well, get out there and enjoy.

Love always,

Rico

I would think that you'd be to good to just have a casual fling with someone that clearly does not like you enough to even try a relationship. The age does not really matter. I do not feel it is in your best interest to just give him whatever he wants when it would be so much nicer to have someone that DOES really like you for you! Don't sell yourself short. He sounds like a player and he will most likely be one for many years to come. Go for someone that will be a great friend and lover. Good luck and remember you are worth the world! The sky is the limit but you have to believe in yourself.

Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn’t.
~ Erica Jong

I think you know it won't work for you. Why else would you write this letter?

Also, "fine" is a four-letter word.

Did she leave something out of her letter? She goes from "we started talking again" and "he made it clear he did not want a relationship with me" right to "is it okay to be physical with him?"

I know, that's nitpicking, but are we just to assume that he's pushing for physical activity, or is it that she's just starting to wonder, but hasn't actually brought it to the table?

You reap what you sow, and the earth with this guy has a lot of tilling going on, but it is poor soil for growth and clearly has relationship pesticides applied --> his not giving a hoot about your feelings when he disappears, and trying to get back with the ex. (My apologies about the analogy--it was a lawn care weekend.)

Hey, he's getting a great deal--he gets some when he wants it and he doesn't have to expend energy caring about you, and he gets to keep running after his ex. It's called "sex until the ex or the next". If you are good with that, then fine.

Like so many people who ask questions here, you already know the answer. The real question is will you now settle for less than what you want (steady boyfriend)?

pb - I like the definition from The Italian Job: FINE stands for [messed] up, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional - which is exactly where this "NSA" relationship is going to leave CCS.

CCS - walk away and do not look back. This guy won't even be a good lover; it is all about him. You are a single college girl, if you want NSA sex until you find the right guy find someone without this dude's issues. It won't be difficult. And remember there is no such thing a No Strings Attached relationship.

Sue wrote: "I would think that you'd be to good to just have a casual fling with someone that clearly does not like you enough to even try a relationship."

Sue, that's illogical. Liking someone doesn't always mean that one has to pursue a relationship - there are different degrees of liking. "Pursuing a relationship" is not the only yardstick, but seems that it's the only one you use.

Sue wrote: "He sounds like a player and he will most likely be one for many years to come."

If he sounded like a player, he wouldn't have been honest with her and told her that he wasn't interested in a relationship with her. Players lie and lead others on, and doesn't seem like this guy led her on, instead he's been upfront, direct and forthright. And he's cute.

Rico wants to add this:

You need to be true to yourself. If you can or can't handle it that is the question. Can you handle the truth? He may have others in his "roster" or maybe he just sees you as an easy way of getting his thrills. Whatever his motiviation is you need to be realistic and know what you are dealing with because it may end abruptly and it may end badly. Be prepared for this. Prepare for the worst and hope for the best is probably the best advice Rico ever got in his young life.

Rico also knows that you will do whatever it is you want regardless of what the people here say, including Meredith, Rico, Valentino, etc... Having a purely physical relationship can be a lot of fun but remember every action has an equal and opposite reaction.

As Rico said before and will say again. Be safe, smart, prepared and expect the worst while hoping for the best.

Gears not gas!!!

Love always,

Rico

Great day to get out and get fresh air...sunshine=Vitamin D

There need to be more girls like you. Seriously, willing to put out and expect none of this cuddling crap afterwards? Niiiice.

And to "Ryan"...damn what a player. Good job! haii faiive!!!

My thinking is so different my younger female gals of today. But, here goes:

IF, I could separate emotion from the physical aspect of sex, my only concern would be STD's.

Personally, I never liked the idea of being a sex toy for some hornball. For me, a deeper connection and mutual respect is a key ingredient for sex, and casual sex is the antithesis of this. A slam-bam-'no thank you ma'am' hit & run approach to sex is something dogs do in the street. I'm no prude either - I love sex and think of it as a tremendously healthy, satisfying activity within the confines of a real relationship! Real relationships don't happen overnight. They just don't.

Did anyone read "Part-Time Lover" in the Globe's Sunday Magazine by Joseph Williams? His attitude is self-respecting / other-respecting, healthy thinking about sex and relationships. The self-indulging hook-ups of today I believe are psychologically harmful.

I keep wondering who really benefits from these kind of hookups and when articulated what it says about us as people. I'm trying to find the benefits OTHER than the obvious - someone gets their jollies from it and I can't help but wonder how many don't?

Of course, as with anything else, one really needs to evaluate intentions, needs, comfort zone, emotional stamina & consequences to determine if engaging in a consensual booty arrangement is something proudly engage themselves. This kind of sex does not bring love, friendship, commitment, nurturing, respect or solve lonliness. I imagine that more often than not, it ('slam-bam') complicates friendships, makes one feel used, is awkward and makes one feel even more lonely than before. Then, the sense of rejection ('no-thank-you-ma'am') one may feel afterwards to further complicate one's image of self, especially for women.

Do any young women resent being thought of in this way or have we passed over to the male side of life where the sport of sex is more important than the art of love? STD's are compelling evidence to me that sex should not be treated so casually.

Are you interested in Ryan "enough to have something more"? Sure sounds like it. If so, do NOT get involved with him because he has the power. You will definitely get hurt. How many thousands of times (okay, I'm exaggerating--a little) have I heard friends, mostly women, claim they can handle the imbalance you describe. Inevitably, the person who wants more gets attached and then--whammo. Also, I'm sorry to say, a lot of men I've known clearly lose respect for the women who provide such benefits. I'm sure you don't want to experience that.

"he's said, in no uncertain terms, that he isn't interested in me enough ..." That should tell you everything you need to know. He walked away once without explanation. I'm not saying that you have to be in love forever but this guy doesn't care about you at all. Even if you want to have a casual sexual relationship, you should do it with someone who at least cares about you.

Your body is your temple. It should be an honor to sleep with you. Tell this self-absorbed, immature twat that you hold yourself to higher standard. You want more from Ryan dont try and fool yourself into thinking that you dont. Continuing to hook up with him is just going to make you feel worse about the situation, yourself and him. Nip this in the bud and hold out for a guy who is truly and genuinely into you.

Friends with benefits are fine, but you also stated that you could use a steady boyfriend. Go find someone who wants a steady relationship, and forget about Ryan, and just messing around with him until someone better comes along. You sound like you want more, so go and find it. Don't sell yourself short.

Rico,

May I remind your - this is Meredith's column.

Don't do it, it makes you look cheap and easy.....not the type of label you want to carry around now is it?

I can't even tell you how many times I've seen girls (including myself) get hurt or at least highly frustrated by these NSA arrangements and come to realize it was just never worth it. Seems like for every one that turns out just fine, 10 fail miserably. I don't think it's typical for a woman to have sex with a man and feel absolutely nothing after the fact, particularly if it's a recurring situation.

Seriously, think about it for a minute. Why would you want to risk developing an attachment to someone who has already said he just doesn't like you and is willing to ditch you at any moment if something better comes along? Does that really sound like something that will make you feel swell about yourself down the line? Use your brain.

The key word in the expression Friends with Benefits is friend. A friend is someone who genuinely likes and cares about you, who wants to spend time with you, who wouldn't want to hurt you. Ryan is not your friend. There's no real benefit to be gleaned from having sex with him, and there are a lot of real liabilities.

"Do any young women resent being thought of in this way or have we passed over to the male side of life where the sport of sex is more important than the art of love? STD's are compelling evidence to me that sex should not be treated so casually."

I totally resent it Marj. "Sex as a sport" as physical activity is one thing... "Sex as a sport" where it means your goal is to "score" as much as possible? Blehhh.

Never settle for better than nothing.

In clearest, simplest terms: No!

Don't do this to yourself.

That's all the time we've got for today.

- Hoss

Truer words were never spoken: she could use a steady boyfriend, "but not enough to try to change him." Ah, there's a certain kind of female mind at work. She's sure she CAN change him if only she tries hard enough. And she's fishing for the go-ahead from Meredith to go ahead and change him. (At least Meredith to her credit says no.) But this gal will just keep asking for other "advice" until she gets exactly the advice she wants. Run, Ryan, run.

What do you get out of your relationship with this guy? Is he fun to be with socially? Do you enjoy the same activities together? Does he give you attention, and male approval?
If all you want is sexual release, you can do that yourself and save yourself the emotional angst, nevermind exposure to STD's.
I have a feeling this guy is just looking for a warm hole and doesn't much care about you. But why would any man respect you if you don't treat yourself with respect first? Repeat after me, " I deserve to be treated with love, care and respect in all of my relationships". Don't settle for less, because that's exactly what you will get: LESS.

Sex is never 'no strings attached'. It just never is. Without love and commitment, sex carries strings that include guilt, anger, frustration, sadness, shame and (yes) disgrace. You say, "It's just sex" now, but you probably won't later.
If you go forward, one of two things will happen. Either you'll feel bad about it later, which is bad, or you won't feel bad about it later, which is worse. Is that the sort of person that you want to be?
Is there ever a good reason to do something that you won't be proud of?
Look in the mirror and say it out loud: "I deserve better." Because you do.

Rico wants to add one more addendum:

Contrary to what the Rico-haters have stated the last few days, Rico cares very much about those to whom he dispenses his wisdom to in Rico’s Love Letters Blog hosted by Meredith. Rico thinks of it as ‘American Idol’. Meredith is dreamy Ryan Seacrest and Rico serves the Simon Cowell role. We all know that you come here Monday through Friday to see the latest and greatest words of wisdom from Rico.

CCS, sit back, relax, and read Rico’s words now, contemplate them later, and act upon them tomorrow (when the thunderstorms arrive). Rico knows what is best for you.

Love always,
Rico

Get outside!!! Especially you jealous folks!

Baby Girl,
Which is worth more to you?
Your dignity or tusslin' under the sheets with a boy who will use you like a sock, only to discard you to the dirty laundry pile of his 'love life'?
I raised you better than this!

Check out Marj's advice, 11:23am.

I think Rico missed the boat on this one. (usually head on)

What is the long term benefit of casual sex? It should come down to a simple, is this better for me or worse. Casual sex is never better long term.

How does that conversation go...the one where he "makes it clear" that you are not up to his standards for a relationship? Does he say "you're B-minus and I'm a B+ so I'd sleep with you for kicks when I'm bored, but don't be hanging on me in front of my friends?" And you think "okay?" Puleeze, get some self esteem. If any guy says you are not good enough you leave. Leave. Right then.
The whole "no-strings" language you are using is for an entirely different set of circumstances (when people are passionate but circumstances don't allow a full relationship, or when good friends have tried dating and it does not work but they can be mutually respectful and have some fun...) Why would you even want to sleep with this guy once he's told you are not good enough? It suggests that you can't find anyone to sleep with who actually likes you...Hmmm. Are you so hard up? If so, go find a nice guy to sleep with with no strings. One that will at least compliment you rather than slam you about how he's looking for someone better.

Beat him to the punch........dump him first before he dumps you again, which you know he will when some one he is "interested in" comes along and you end up getting hurt. I think your hoping in the back of your mind that it turns into something more. Don't count on it. He's using you....why would you allow that? Have some self respect and dump this self centered loser!

Right on Nancy G, I couldn't agree more. Either, he is a good guy who wants to let you know exactly where he stands, or someone who cares NOTHING about your feelings. Whichever situation it is, BELIEVE what he says! No amount of hot, sweaty sex (no matter how enjoyable) is going to change his mind.

Also, with the whole Friends with benefits idea, it seems like it always benefits one person more than the other. With FWB it does seem like one of the people ends up feeling used and who wants that? Also, friends (real friends) don't treat their friends like this guy treated CCS. If you want some nsa action, at least look for a guy who is respectful to you.

The "I could use a steady boyfriend" isn't what should be focused on - What I love is the, "but not enough to try to change him" bit.

Gee - how generous of you to restrain from trying to manipulate someone into being your boyfriend. Interesting that Meredith, also a female, didn't pick up on that little admission...

Outside of that, I think "Ryan" has laid it out pretty well and - as long as it's understood - there should be no problem with enjoying each other's company. You're young, have some fun ... just be cautious (protection-wise) and occasionally remind yourself it's all in good fun. You should be fine.

As for Rico - do you have to be so obnoxiously narcissistic? Give it a break, will ya pal?

Why would you want to be with someone who tells you to your face that you are not worth pursuing a relationship with? You must appear to be desperate to him and he doesn't treat you with even basic courtesy! And you just know that he is telling all of his pals about the "arrangement". So, when you do meet the right guy and want to pursue a relationship, it would be a shame if your reputation preceded you and Mr. Right doesn't want anything to do with you. If you pursue Ryan you will do it at the cost of your self-esteem and your good name and no sex is worth that, don't you think?

Rico Archuleta......You go GIRL!!!

Rico rules

reindeergirl

FYI some of us like seeing the responses from Rico, Valentino and Hoss....

I have to chime in - listen and follow your inner voice but move cautiously if you decide to continue putting out for "Ryan".
If you want to play the role of his "play thing" - the choice is yours to make.
Seems to me, from your provided information, he's been straight in terms of your role with him.

I just thought up a nickname for one of the other typists
Forever Humble
"Rico w/the demented Ego"
Farewell fo now

I don't know exactly where one would go at your age to find some dignity, self-respect, or a sense of self worth, but that's wher you need to go....but I'm just sayin'.

@ "I don't think it's typical for a woman to have sex with a man and feel absolutely nothing after the fact, particularly if it's a recurring situation."

I don't think it's typical for men either.

I happen to like Rico's advice in this case.

Rico's final thoughts for today:

Rico understands when others tell you not to do this or go ahead and do it but be safe. He also knows you will do whatever it is you feel like doing because it is human nature to do so. Rico knows you are asking Meredith because you are looking for someone to validate your own answer to your question.

To all of you that don't like Rico or his talking in third person: Rico just loves to hear others talk about him good or bad. Good or bad publicity is still publicity :)

And YES Rico knows this is Meredith's column but yet how many of you refer to Rico in your own comments? Apparently Rico has readers :) Rico is loving the comments so keep it up and have a great day.

Rico would like to add that it is absolutely gorgeous out, you all should get outside and enjoy it like he did.

Thanks everyone and see you tomorrow,

Love always,

Rico

rico suave,
please continue. you got sense, boy.

Okay - one string - you need to make me a sandwich after.

Thanks

#8 Valentino is on the money! Practice makes perfect! And as usual so is Rico.
However, make sure you are emotionally "Detached" from this guy. That means no romantic dates, no public PDA, NO FEELINGS! This gos for both of you. Always remember the purpose of this relationship.
Be safe and have fun!!!

Confused College Girl,

Firstly, forget about "Ryan" as clearly you will be forcing yourself to not develop feelings for him. If you want to have some great NSA sex then look for other guys and bring up the topic with them. If you proceed with "Tyan" you will just feel used once he moves on.

Definitely get it out of your system now, however.

Good Luck

Confused College Girl,

Firstly, forget about "Ryan" as clearly you will be forcing yourself to not develop feelings for him. If you want to have some great NSA sex then look for other guys and bring up the topic with them. If you proceed with "Ryan" you will just feel used once he moves on.

Definitely get it out of your system now, however.

Good Luck

OK Rico lied...One more response:

Rico wants to comment on the piece of him not thinking you are girlfriend material. The writer did not say she was not girlfriend material to him. She did say that he was not looking to pursue a relationship with her at that time. It may be because he still holds a flame for his ex or maybe worst case he just sees her as a girl to have NSA relations with. Regardless, it says nowhere that he treated her badly opther than the disappearing act. Look, Rico must tell you this: There are times when a man or a woman can be at a loss for words and as such disappears rather than face the music so to speak. Anyone here been there? If your answer is no then you are a liar!!! Rico has been there and girls he dated did the same to him. It's life, get over it.

The young lady that wrote is looking for approval or disapproval from Meredith and other commenters...mostly from Rico though :) She is not going to follow advice, her mind is made up otherwise she would not have written here.

A good rule of thumb Rico will share with his reader's: Would you ask the question to your parents? (ie. Hey mom and dad is it ok for me to have a NSA with a cute guy/girl?) Rico doubts it. Bottom line is she is probably a little low on self esteem for whatever reason that may be. Could be looks, could be personality or simply could be a rough time in her life. She could be shy or maybe just simply confused about what she wants...

That is the truth plain and simple, now get outside and get some vitamin D, life is too short to be inside whining.

Love as always,

Rico

OMG...been there.....DON'T DO IT. You will end up regretting it and getting hurt. You will develop feelings for him even if you don't have that now. Save yourself the heartbreak and leave that situation alone. Look for someone willing and ready to give you the entire package.

I find it funny that so many of you call this guy a 'loser' and 'self-centered' when he has made it quite clear from the beginning that he does not want a relationship. I would call that 'responsible' wouldn't you? I also do not see where he is the one doing the pursuing, for sex or otherwise.

Why the hate?

I totally resent it Marj. "Sex as a sport" as physical activity is one thing... "Sex as a sport" where it means your goal is to "score" as much as possible? Blehhh.

Had to think about this and am just not sure why or what exactly it is you may resent?

I was broaching the sporting idea in terms of an 'mental/physical activity', as in a game of conquest, coming out on top [best looking, best body, whatever] & ego and with the end game in mind. This is actually all that I had in mind and I hadn't even given thought to the keeping score which is actually VERY unlike me since I am an avid sports/games fan! Sex, I believe, is best between people who have grown somehow beyond the immediacy of physical attraction, where they become somewhat vulnerable to one another and at least have in mind some future [I really care about this person].

So, if we explore the 'scoring' side of things: Remember the expression "tie another knotch in your belt" from years ago? Ever hear a guy brag about how many numbers they got at a given bar and how many 'gave it up' (<<I'm wording this nicely) and how 'now the b*ch is calling me all the 'f'n' time'?

Make no mistake, there are hundreds of books, internet sources for how-to books to get women in bed (aka 'score'). I know this is somewhat extreme, but have you ever listened to MAXIM or STERN radio or these other satellite stations that cater to the younger generation? The level of depravity when it comes to the treatment of sex and women is clear there. My 20-yo daughter and many nieces & nephews in college spew story after story about experiences so I see and hear a lot about what goes on.

There was 'study' done [magazine, 20/20?] (about 2 years ago?) about women in their 20s/30s who never really dated but had hookups. From what I remember, it was an alarming percentage of young women who admitted that hookups lead to depression, self-esteem issues and lots of STD's. Guys didn't think enough of them to 'court' them to use an old-fashioned term. I remember thinking, 'no kidding!'. Listen to the radio these days and compare the love songs of today with the love songs of yesterday. It is very telling of today's sexual culture. Women lose!

In another news story I was listening to on the radio, there were guys (ages 17-24??) who were interviewed about their views on women and hooking up. The thing that struck me were they all had numerous females to choose from who were available for booty calls or BJs at the 'SEND' button.

These guys were asked:
....if they'd ever consider a serious relationship with any of them? 'NO'.
....you mean, the girls would just show up? 'YUP'.
....and then what? 'They'd leave'.
....that's it?, 'YUP'.
It was like a game (sport) to them, eanie, meanie, miney, 'you?'.

Beth, do you really think that the sports idea lacks merit? Could you at least explain your resentment of my using it (even though I hadn't thought of the scoring part yet - I gave it a shot!)?

I call things the way that I see it and may not always state things well when trying to combat an idea like hooking up where sexuality becomes a sport with an end game in mind from the start.

Next time he wants to "fool around" say no and make him work for it. Nothing turns a guy on more than the thrill of the chase. Playing hard to get works..for me anyway.

"Rico thinks of it as ‘American Idol"
- Rico 'Archuleta' - You Go G

I think NSA relationships are just fine, if you can emotionally compartmentalize what you are doing. To me, due to the tone of your letter, you are not quite able to do that. I would say, don't set yourself up for emotional failure. You are a co-ed, its like shooting fish in a bucket regarding finding members of the opposite sex! Never in your life will it be easier to meet men! So I say, ask that cute guy out from class, or the gym, or whatever and forget Ryan. And ignore everyone on here that is saying this is loose behavior. You can do whatever you want to do! I whole heartedly agree with Meredith.

PS - You can never change a man. Don't be with someone that you want to. Be with someone that you like the way they are RIGHT NOW!

"Ah … To be young and dating a hot guy who doesn't like you enough ... Memories ..." MG - 4/27/09

Meredith, darling - This would be a good time to share...We're listening.

I have been best friends with a man for @ 10 years now... but when we first met we dated for a short period of time. I was older than he was and ended feeling that we were not @ the same points in our lives. After ending the relationship he and I would have NSA here and there and neither of us every felt badly about it. Today 10 years later if we are both not in a relationship we get physical here and there.. But we have become best friends. We have the most respect for each other and truly do love each other. If I need anything I can run to him no matter if it's to cry, laugh, scream anything.. and he comes to me likewise. We both know and care for each other's families and from time to time we joke that one day we will end up married. There are times in life when you do find a person that you can have a NSA relationship with and that person does look at you as a person and not just a hookup. I think that everyone is different and some people can handle this that others can't. And yes I do think this man is very attractive and yes he is my type but we are okay with remaining best friends and if the need calls we are ok with the physical side.. I think she needs to know if the man respects her and if she respects him if so the options are open to do as they both please....

If you have any type of feelings for him - then the casual hook up is NOT a good idea. You're always going to want more and end up with your heartbroken. Make sure your heart and your head are on the same page though.

If its just physical - sometimes these types of "friends" can be a great way to pass the time until you meet the next guy that you're really interested in!

Rico should take over this column.

I'm 51 years old and I look back fondly on my youthful indescretions. Mr. Right will eventually come along and then that phase of your life will pass. Until then, live in the moment and go with Mr Right now. But I would suggest casually dating more than just one. Just love your body and always use protection from STD's.

A few things......

-people need to seriously stop putting all these qualifiers and definitions on their relationships with people, it only unnecessarily complicates that relationship. You're either in a committed relationship or you're not, and there is no need to break down each into a million different categories.....

When I was single, I always made a point to be upfront and honest with women as to my own intentions, which varied from one individual to the next. I never pulled any punches. And to be honest, I had a lot of success maintaining friendships with women I'd been intimate with after the fact, simply due to the fact that I never led them on. In my experiences, women always had more respect for me for being upfront with them, and letting the relationship go wherever it was going to go naturally. It's not that I didn't want a relationship with many of these fine women, it's just that I refused to jump headlong into a committed relationship before truly getting to know them as a person, which takes quite a bit of time. Many people have a hard time having patience with this concept, but too bad for them. I learned from experience that it is never a good idea to rush into anything, and the most mature women I've dated fully understood this concept and the rationale behind it.

-I don't care for this ideology of "no strings attached", either. Sorry, but there is always some sort of proverbial string attached, whether emotional or otherwise. Some people can manage this comfortably, but most cannot. As human beings, we're just not wired that way (although the evolution of dating is certianly pushing closer towards it). However, so long as consenting adults are being honest with each other, there is a minimal amount of harm that can be afflicted on either party. You have to approach every situation with both eyes open and try not to let your heart think for your head, as hard is that may be.

-It is nearly impossible to get to know someone for who they truly are in the infatuation stage (which generally lasts a few months), yet it is also virtually impossible to get past that stage without engaging in something physical. Bottom line, folks need to think with their heads and not their functioning organs when dating new people.

finally, ladies, don't give up the goods on a first date unless that is how you want to be defined in terms of that relationship. Think about it. Like it or not, that has and always will define that relationship by sex first, and everything else second. Wait until the second or third date (or beyond) before getting busy, it makes all the difference in the world ;o)

One more thing, ladies, there are alot of scummy guys out there who will lie to you just to get in your pants. This is not news, I know, and I'm sorry that ya'll have to deal with this, but this is sometimes the way it is. Many men want you for your minds and bodies, but many more guys just want your goods and nothing more, so if you can handle that than have at it. Otherwise, don't just put it out there on a string for the first guy you think is cute and talks a good game. You have what we want. Make us work for it and that alone will sort out alot of men from the chumps. Good day.

If you ever do meet the right guy, how will you ever make him feel special knowing that you eagerly signed on to function as a sperm bank for some deadbeat loser?

Ok this is getting to be too much out there. Why in the world would any woman or man want to be with another human being who in their eyes, feels you are not good enough for a relationship? I know a few women that have done this and each got hurt in the end.

Again, any person who wants you sexually but lets you know you are only good enough for sex should be told to get lost. They basically want a free hooker and you deserve to be treated better.

Rico is a self centered, egotistical, wind bag. A few lost, lonely fools like wait for him to comment...but he isnt even close to the level of Meredith, who always gives sound advice. And doesnt speak about herself in the THIRD PERSON....give me a break Rico.

As for the OP - I have yet to see an "friends with benefits" relationship that worked out, as sooner or later one person or the other ends up developing feelings. He already rejected you once, if you go back with him now you are nothing more that his late night TRICK - that he will call to use and abuse. If you like that sort of thing, go for it. Go find your self esteem and RUN in the other direction.

I think staying in the "present" is important. I say this as a woman who was in the a very similar situation just one short year ago. We were somewhat FWB and I was the one wanting more, and yes, it was frustrating and at times could get painful. But for those who say "everyone in the end would say it isn't worth it," I just have to say, no, it isn't EVERYONE...I think it was all worth it. Why? For one thing, I'm a big girl. I can handle all sorts of emotions, disappointment being one of them. For another, I was extremely lonely, AND extremely attracted to him, he was (and is) charismatic and fun, and when I WAS with him, those moments were just mind boggling. In fact, he came around right when I was starting to doubt whether I'd ever be able to feel some of things HE made me feel (*wink*.)

And most important of all...he didn't use me, because I was 100% willing, with all the information I had about what it WOULDN'T become (a real relationship), to go forward with the physical anyway. He never lied to me about any of it. He got some jollies, sure, but here's the most important thing--SO DID I! Why is it that the woman is not allowed to feel ANY benefits of "friends with benefits?" Heck, if he used me, then I USED HIM, if you really want to look at it that way. Sure, yes, absolutely there were "downs" in that whole thing...but since when do we all have to cower in the corner awaiting only the PERFECT romantic situation?

Also, his own life is no bed of roses. He has a lot of personal and professional problems (in fact, it's a blessing he wouldn't agree to a full-on relationship.) I barely see him anymore because he moved far away, but we are still in touch. I regret none of it. I got a lot out of it.

There's nothing wrong with a few heart-pounding moments if you can get them. If you want this, do it, just be AWARE that you might get very emotional at times. I did, but I still handled it fine.

And I still wouldn't trade a moment of how I felt with him. It actually WAS worth the tears.

Meredith is right. Fooling around is so much more pleasurable when its with somebody you know is excited/in awe of you.

I might try to use him for what it's worth, though, since he seems to have already put that on the table. AC unit needs to be installed? Hard drive on your laptop need to be cleaned? Help moving into a new apartment? He owes you one for being such a dick.

Only an emotional midget could convince themselves that it's OK to use another human being for sex so long as you notify that person up front of your intention to use him or her. You've got to be kidding me.

I would look at him "As as one night stand". These types of "sex only" relationships spell "danger"; sexually transmitted disease- multiple sex partners, having NO RESPECT for you, Kiss & TELLING & SEXTING all about you being his "sex relief" and when he finds a girl he wants he'll tell her YOU WERE ONLY FOR SEX & word will get around & you'll never get any respect, guys will just want you for sex (as you are damaged goods). If you want HIM TO USE YOU - WHICH HE IS ASKING OUTRIGHT go ahead - BUT THE NEXT POTENTIAL GUY THAT COULD/WOULD BE YOUR NEXT BOYFRIEND WON'T HAVE MUCH RESPECT FOR YOU....Again - I would chock it up to (a one night stand) and MOVE ON.....You don't want to be "someones ah "so called bucket" shall I say.

It is interesting how the other day, Valentino #8, you suggested that "the ladies" keep their noses out of a young man's problem. Following up on the lawn care theme of Yupokay #16, I must say that when I was out this afternoon raking leaves that had been protecting emerging ferns and hostas, there was a distinct smell, and it reminded me of your post - - yes, the smell was of Dirty...Old... Man. Today's LW needs to pay attention to the non-lecherous posts (from both women and men) that urge her to respect herself. Another thought that occurred to me while raking was, Never let Valentino give advice to Dear Daughter.

I honestly think Boston.com should consider putting Rico on payroll. I click on this column every darn day just to see what he has to say. Keep it up, LOVE you!

There is no such thing as a no-strings-attached encounter unless you know nothing about the person, meet in an airport or a foreign country, hook up and then walk away. If you know him already and have been with him before there's already strings, his ex is a string, the fact that he walked away from you before without so much as an IM is a string, the fact that he knows he can come to you for physical gratification is a string, the fact that he thinks casual sex without even the commitment of friendship is fine is not only a string, it's a big huge knot.

Sex is great, and casual sex can be okay too -- but sex without ANY emotional involvement at all? There's a word for that -- and it's a paying job. Of course, why pay if you can get it for nothing?

I never really got the idea of "friends with benefits" but even in that case there is friendship. A relationship of some kind.

I'm truly not trying to be judgmental, just experienced enough to know that there are always strings attached, and from the sounds of things, he's holding most of them and in the end, you'll lose.

We understand and can empathize with the writer.

Her guy is willing to continue to have free sex if she lets him. This is about self esteem. She has none. As a female, she can get NSA sex anytime she wants by going to the local bar, and hooking up. He is using you, and doesnt respect you. If you want to be his ho, then continue on.

Ask yourself, if you didnt give him sex, would he be interested in you? Get over him, move on.

Fresi #76 -
It occurs to me that as a society we emotionally circumcise our women, usurp their power and toss them in community burkas while allowing our men to pluck rose peddles at will. This double standard of women as weak and in need of protection is nothing more than bark mulch masking your fear of losing control...of your own beds.

Marj, was agreeing with you and going on to make my OWN sports reference, based on a) an ex-boyfriend's comment that "sex is a sport - it takes practice to make perfect!" (the good part) and b) overhearing guys talking about the "notches on their belts" even though they were hurting a lot of women in the process (the bad part... obviously).

Rico - You have no panache, talking about yourself all the time. Hoss is looking better and better now. Defensive much? I could enjoy this column with or without you. Go get your own blog.

#27, gertie - "cheap and easy" ?!!! What century are you living in? Surely not the 21st, nor the second half of the 20th, for that matter. The O/P's question was about her feelings, not her reputation. How old are you, gertie? Never mind, your nic, "gertie," gives it away. Other than native Germans, who names their kids gertie anymore?

I think people have covered all the basics on the pros/cons and fors/againsts on NSA/FWB relationships, so I won't add anything to the mix on this point.

I do think it's worth noting that despite the fact that people use "NSA" and "FWB" interchangeably they are, in fact, two very distinct types of relationships.

"NSA" purportedly means NO strings, whatsoever, that includes friendship. Sure, you have some basic relationship with the person because you talk to them often enough to arrange your sexual encounters, but purportedly, you are not developing a relationship of any kind with them.

"FWB" means you are friends, e.g. you have/are developing an emotional (albeit non-romantic) relationship with a person and you also happen to hook-up/have sex with them. I think this is why these types of relationships always get messy. Isn't a romantic relationship really just a relationship where you have both an emotional and physical connection to someone? Maybe there's some extra magic there, but from my personal experience, calling something FWB means the romantic relationship is there, but circumstances of some kind prevent things from moving to official relationship status. This is why these types of arrangements always get messy...you can dress something up anyway you want and pretend, but eventually the fantasy has to come to end. Unfortunately, usually it's one person more than other who wants to stop pretending.

NSA, if done "correctly" is completely different. You don't let yourself form that personal/emotional connection to the other person. That means you don't hang out platonically, you don't have mutual friends that you do group things with, you
don't have long emotional conversations about your life, job, etc.; you just connect when you do, have your fun, and part ways. Instead of "friends" think "acquaintances." Whether this is your thing, is up to you, but the potential downsides are a lot less than the FWB.

So, my advice? If this is a potential FWB, run now, because you're the one who's going to get hurt here. You may have to learn that lesson for yourself. If you can
do a genuine NSA thing, have at it, it's for you to decide if you're comfortable with that kind of arrangement, forget any judgments of other commentators.

I rarely comment on another post, but #72 just made me sad. It just feels so, well, desperate to reassure everyone that it really was OK to be used, really! It reminds me of Sally Field clutching her Academy Award, "...I can't deny the fact that you like me, right now, you like me!"

Actually, this whole topic is bumming me out. I think it's the lingo like NSA and FWB, lingo from a texting culture that is distanced by the ether but thinks it equates intimacy because it is immediate gratification and involves the eyes and hands. It is, well, yucky. Am looking forward to the next topic.

Yupokay #84, I appreciate your concern. But it's a very fine line between feeling used and feeling like I was getting something out of it too. You know what I mean? Oh, I should also mention, we were just messing around but didn't go all the way, that's why I said "somewhat FWB."

I guess I just question why the woman HAS to feel used, when in reality, I am much better off in this life than he is, for many reasons. If I enjoyed it, so what? If a woman doesn't consider herself used, than she wasn't used, IMO. Why victimize myself? He didn't force me to do anything.

I just think that "fine line" for me is lying. He didn't lie to me about anything. And I didn't lie to him about anything. And maybe this ISN'T the same thing the others are talking about, because we're still in touch and the past physical factor doesn't effect how we deal with each other. And like I said, we never completely crossed the line to EVERYTHING.

But don't feel sad. I didn't need that man's approval ala' Sally Field.

Hi all,
It's Confused College Girl in the flesh! First of all, thanks to Meredith for publishing my question! Her input and the input of commenters was really spread out across the board, but reading all of them helped me to really weigh all the pros and cons. After reevaluating everything, I've decided to let Ryan go. As attracted as I am to him, it seems like he's a waste of time. That's not to say I'm not open to a "NSA" relationship, but I just don't think it's with him. If he begins to make an effort, then maybe I'd reconsider. But I'm not holding my breath. I can do better! We all can.

So thanks again for all the help and I'll be here reading and commenting like I always am! :)

Cool Sam! (CCS)

Enjoy the college years!

She could USE a steady boyfriend? What a choice of words.

She's not ready for a steady boyfriend. May as well knock boots with "Ryan" and enjoy it. maybe she'll learn a little about men and herself, that she can come into a lasting relationship a little wiser.

And who knows, maybe "Ryan" isn't into her becuase she doesn't seem pretty passionate about a real relationship, rather than "using" a guy on a steady basis.

Have fun and do what you need to. Rut and strut until you're really ready for a real relationship.