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Telling texts ...

Posted by Meredith Goldstein  May 16, 2009 02:22 PM

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Is he a cheat? Should this reader bail? You decide.

Q: I am in a happy, loving relationship with my boyfriend. We have lived together for almost 2 years, and I can honestly say that he is my best friend. We have meaningful discussions, we talk about the future, he is emotionally supportive, we have SO much fun together, and there is no lack of chemistry. Our relationship was initially a long distance one, until I moved from Boston to NYC to be with him. Recently, our relationship has been especially good, and we have been discussing marriage.

About a year ago, I saw a text from an unknown telephone number late at night, and it said “do you still want to see me?” I asked him about it, and he told me that it was from an ex-girlfriend “Danielle." He told me that the text was unprovoked, out of the blue, and that he responded telling her that he has a serious girlfriend, and to please stop texting/calling.

Cut to yesterday. After an intimate, romantic morning in bed, we got up to get in the shower. He went in first, and while he was in there I had an urge to look at his phone. This is not a common occurrence, and I'm still not sure why I did it. I saw a text message conversation between him and his friend “Dan”…and it appeared that Dan had come to our apartment the day before. This seemed unusual because he hasn’t seen Dan in a year, and this is the sort of thing that boyfriend would share. When I looked at the rest of the conversation, I became concerned. The conversation went something like this:

“Dan”: Are you sure you want me to come over, I’m all sweaty.
BF: I have a lot of stuff to do and I have to leave at 3, but a butt show would be nice
“Dan”: I have to baby-sit anyway at 2
BF: ok
“Dan”: I’m here
BF: Where?
“Dan”: downstairs.

When I asked boyfriend about it, he reluctantly said that it was not his friend Dan at all, but his ex Danielle. He said that he hid her number in his friend Dan’s contact because I knew Danielle’s name. He vehemently denies actually seeing her since we’ve started dating, and swears that all that happens is an occasional exchange of flirty/sexy text messages or phone calls.

I feel betrayed. Boyfriend told me that he had “fixed” the problem initially, but it turned out that all he did was try harder to hide things from me. I am inclined to believe that he didn’t actually meet up with his ex, but even so…his deceit hurt too much. I’m disgusted and I feel that he has chosen these sexy conversations with his ex over me. He is very apologetic and he is trying hard to convince me that he'll change and that we are worth it... but I am not sure how he can fix things this time. I am considering moving out and leaving him.

Our relationship seemed special, and I am so surprised that he would behave in this way...this is not at all his nature. Or so I thought.

Any advice you can provide would be helpful :-/
-- Let down in NYC

A: LDINYC, I had to read the “butt show” line a few times. Butt show? Really?

You have every right to feel betrayed. You have been betrayed -- by a selfish idiot.

The fact that your boyfriend discussed specific times to meet up with “Dan” -- specific locations, and a specific butt show leads me to believe that he has, in fact, seen her in person. Even if he hasn’t, he has proven that he can’t be trusted.

I’m not sure what he can do to make this better. It would take a serious leap of faith on your part to keep things going.

Is he really your best friend? Is the good stuff really that good? Has he explained what caused him to seek attention outside of the relationship?

You know what you’re capable of forgiving and what kind of partnership you want. Your boyfriend sought out a butt show. Even if he never saw “Dan” in person, he entertained the thought and did so behind your back.

Sure, maybe he’ll stop texting her, but do you want to be in a relationship with a guy who’s capable of so many lies?

Sounds like you’re young. Sounds like you’re not married. Sounds like it might be time to see if there’s someone out there who wants no other butt but yours.

Readers? Thoughts? Am I being too tough on this person’s boyfriend? Share here.

-- Meredith

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188 comments so far...
  1. Two words: DUMP HIM!

    Posted by Alvin May 18, 09 10:37 AM
  1. Oh geez...
    All I can say is that from personal experience, this guy is cheating on you by doing what he is doing. If you don't have trust in a relationship, you don't have a solid foundation for that relationship. I was there, hon. Do you really want to wonder about him being faithful and keep checking his phone all the time for the rest of your life? It's easier to get out now than it will be when you have a diamond on your hand, kids in tow, and you have spent thousands of dollars to divorce this guy who says this is "nothing."

    My ex did the SAME things to me. We broke up and he ended up marrying someone else. Guess what? He still emails/texts me (I do not respond ever) because he thinks he let something good get away (a.k.a. me, and probaly 10 other exes as well) and can' t be committed 100% to the one he married. There are just some people who are unfortunately like that their whole lives. And I was so in love with him at the time. Now I feel sorry for him, his wife, and I am so happy that we didn't work out four years ago. I have a boyfriend now whom I can trust 100%. Don't sell yourself short. It isn't worth it. I promise.

    Posted by Tenleytown May 18, 09 10:53 AM
  1. Are we 100% sure that Dan wasn't really a Dan? The Butt Show would make a lot more sense...

    Posted by Dan (no, not him) May 18, 09 10:55 AM
  1. Sorry - but he is lying to you. The reason I feel this way - I don't believe his text flirtation would have ended with her location - i.e. "downstairs". Why would you end a flirtation in that manner? Doesn't make common sense to me....so I don't believe him. And he has clearly lied once already. He was meeting her. He is full of it....

    I would seriously reconsider your relationship - it sucks...but it happens to people - be glad you found some of this out before having children.

    Posted by spaceman May 18, 09 10:56 AM
  1. The LW is sure her BF did not meet with Danielle? She is in incredible denial.

    Read the text messages again, "Let down in NYC" -- he saw her yesterday. She was there. And she was there because your boyfriend was looking for a "butt show." This is him lying, this is him seeing another woman, this is him cheating. "Just friends" don't do butt shows -- whatever that is, it sure as heck isn't platonic. I understand you feel he is your best friend, and you love him. But these are more than red flags -- to an outside observer, this is an outright alarm going off. He has been and is cheating. He has been and is lying. You are tangled up in the emotion of it and do not want to see what is *clear* *as* *day*: he is cheating on you right now, with Danielle.

    Did I get through? I am so sorry, and I hate it to sound harsh. It is just that you clearly do not want it to be true, and you are looking for ways to find that it is not true. But it is. If you want to save the relationship, he has to be willing to admit the truth, and perhaps go into counseling. If he continues lying, there is no saving it. Personally, I would not stay; you are not married, and there is no reason to drag yourself through the mud to save a relationship with a cheater. But if you feel you "need" to, for whatever reason, be aware that it can only happen if he comes clean, breaks it off, and goes to counseling with you. If you stay on any other terms, you are signing up for continued betrayal.

    Posted by j-len May 18, 09 11:04 AM
  1. Break. Up. With. Him. Now.

    Posted by jdub May 18, 09 11:05 AM
  1. He is cheating, he's a liar, he won't stop. I ( stupidly) hooked up with an ex years ago while he had a serious girlfriend. After a few times, I realized how awful it was and never engaged him in anything but platonic interactions. Over two years, he continued to try and get me to hook up with him. He sent emails, texts etc. I told him over and over that it was never going to happen and that he's a cheater. I eventually kicked him out of my life b/c I don't need a friend that cheats on his girlfriends b/c that's scumbag material and I don't want a scumbag of a friend ( not to mention, it only reminds me that I sunk to his scumbag level)
    Get out, you dserve better. He can enver be trusted. ever.

    Posted by thedemocraddict May 18, 09 11:07 AM
  1. Good lord - this is easy!

    The text message makes it appear that "Dan"ielle showed up the day before - and then the boyfriend denies that he's seen her? He's obviously lying. If you continue with him, you're enabling him to continue doing this to you.

    Walk. Leave. Pack your stuff and get out now. Don't take his phone calls. Don't take his texts. It sucks for you, but better you find out now then later when you're married. He's done it once (that you know of) - he'll do it again.

    Run. Fast. And don't look back. There's someone else out there who will treat you way better than this schmuck.

    Posted by Linda May 18, 09 11:08 AM
  1. I think if it was a girl doing the texting and a guy was looking at her phone, you would all tell him to get over himself and to mind his own business. This website is always partial to the women in any of these situations.

    Posted by D May 18, 09 11:11 AM
  1. Rico is back from a wonderful weekend spent enjoying the great weather and family and gets a doozy here on Monday...

    Her is what Rico thinks:

    #1 the trust is broken, he cheated (Rico hates cheaters) and has been lying to you long enough. Rico says you need to leave asap and not look back. #2 Rico is concerned with this violation of people's personal information, cell phones, computers etc... Rico was with a girl that did this and she was deleted faster than a Papelbon fastball. If you make him feel untrusted it will push him to hide things feeling as though you will take things the wrong way. It's just how men think...and women too. Trust is a 2 way street. If you don't trust each other then instead of snooping just confront and settle it. Move out, break up, divorce, etc...Rico is not taking this lightly but at the same time it is the same thing every day.

    Whining about a "loved one" snooping and wondering if he/she will change. Rico understands your hurt and while it stinks to be in your shoes you will be better off to leave him and find someone better for you.

    OK, whether Dan is Danielle or Dan, Rico thinks you got a loser, he thinks the loser is about to get what he deserves. You have a job? Friends down there? NYC is a big place, go and make new friends, find a new place and enjoy it. His loss is your gain, Rico thinks you'll be ok.

    Good luck and Rico wishes you the best.

    Love always,


    Bikes not Bombs, Gears not Gas

    Posted by Rico May 18, 09 11:13 AM
  1. chase after, or stay with a player, you get what you deserve.

    Posted by player May 18, 09 11:15 AM
  1. Let Down in NYC,

    From what was showing on his phone, I would guess that Danielle was at your apt. yesterday. I'm not really sure what a butt show is, but it sounds pretty intimate to me. If he has been going to the trouble of disguising her number in another person's contact info, this is a very pre-meditated situation. Also, if he lied about the fact that he broke off contact, why do believe him that she didn't come over yesterday?

    Just curious, what made you check his cell phone log? Sounds to me like your intuition has been trying to tell you that things haven't been going as well as you wanted to think. It seem that no matter how good it seemed between the two of you, he is not over Danielle and who knows if he ever will be?

    I know this is a generalization but, you know what you can count on a liar for? To lie to you of course. Unfortunately, once someone has broken the trust between you, it takes a lot of work to try to rebuild things. Even then, can you ever really trust them again? Do really want to spend the rest of your life checking his cell phone logs, even if you don't ever find another text from/to Danielle again? Obviously, it's up to you whether or not you want to try and stay and patch things up. If it was me though, I'd be looking for a place of my own today. I don't have any tolerance for someone who would go behind my back that way.

    Posted by sundiego May 18, 09 11:16 AM
  1. What the #$%@ is a butt show?

    And can I get one for myself?

    Posted by Bill May 18, 09 11:16 AM
  1. Wow, he's a liar and a cheat, yet you're conflicted...why????? Get out. Now.

    Why are you inclined to believe he hasn't actually seen her when every shred of evidence points to the opposite? And seriously, does it even matter whether he's seen her or not? How can you ever trust someone who has demonstrated how well and easily he can lie to you?

    Don't be a doormat. Have some self-respect and get out.

    Posted by Rae May 18, 09 11:18 AM
  1. "I am inclined to believe that he didn’t actually meet up with his ex,"

    ??? The last text sent by "Dan" said that she was downstairs, and you don't think he met her? Because your BF, who hid her cell # in another contact, told you so? It sounds like "Dan" has a nice booty that your BF misses, and it's only a matter of time before he goes on the road touring with this butt show...get a clue.

    The fact that you felt compelled to check his cell phone means one of two things: 1) you know deep-down that something isn't right, or 2) you're insecure and unstable. Given what's going on, I'll give you the former.

    Posted by Tibbs May 18, 09 11:18 AM
  1. Sure...he'll end it w/Dan. But do you really wanna be w/a guy who is pretty much telling you straight up that you aren't the only one in his life and they'll be plenty of others? What I would've done was pretend 2b ur boyfriend and text "dan" back 2 get more info on what they did exactly the other day...just be casual like last night was fun blah blah...but now he already knows so no point...anyway...i would dump his ass...because if you do get married and this happens later on in the marriage...you can't say you had no idea...you knew he was like this...

    Posted by chris May 18, 09 11:19 AM
  1. Come clean with your self and change your comment: "this is not at all his nature. Or so I thought." to "I didn't realize this was in his nature" - then accept that he probably DID see Danielle that day. The only reason you "think" he didn't is beause you want to think he didn't. Do with that knowledge what you want. Live with him, and his behavior, or don't...

    Posted by JustMyGuess May 18, 09 11:23 AM
  1. Have you considered the possibility that there is no "Danielle" and that "Dan" is actually "Dan"?

    As someone who was married to a woman for 11 years before I finally figured out I was gay, I've pulled that trick before.

    Posted by Mike May 18, 09 11:23 AM
  1. After a little research and an entire weekend of Shinxi Shinxi, I am ready for the Butt Show. BTW, Shinxi Shinxi emanates from the Shanxi Shaanxi province in China. The practice, as referenced in Friday’s column, serves to “cure” the issue of attraction in a relationship. The party who is unattractive to the other places a mask over his/her face to change their appearance. This past weekend I wore a Brad Pitt mask and by Monday morning we adopted 6 kids. OK, back to Dan and Danielle. Sorry sweetie, but there’s no Danielle. Your man is unable to live his life as an openly gay man and is using you to hide his homosexuality. I don’t really think it matters what or who he is. It matters that he’s being deceitful and secretive. Get out now, GF. This guy is confused and is using you as a landing strip. It’s like a horse race where you came in third: You didn’t win, nor place, Butt Show. As Boy George says, “One day soon I’m gonna tell the moon about the Crying Game”.

    Posted by valentino May 18, 09 11:24 AM
  1. I agree with an earlier post that questions whether "Dan" might actually be a Dan. Most females would not write "Do you want me to come over. I'll all sweaty". If his friend is male, then she has an even bigger problem. In any case, he can't be trusted! GO!!

    Posted by JohnB May 18, 09 11:24 AM
  1. Terrible! Yes you have been betrayed. You should probably kick is a** to the curb. The dude is sending sexual texts to an ex after changing the contact name in his phone?!! Wow. He has no issue lying and this level of deceit warrants a breakup.

    Now I know this won’t be easy given that you live together and moved to be together... Emotionally this will take time to heal. But I urge you to push this issue. You deserve honesty and respect. If you can’t get this tell him you are beginning to make plans to move out!! (And start making some plans) This type of contact with an ex is unacceptable and a possible sign of a much larger issue in the relationship!! (the issue being: this dude is a d-bag)

    Posted by yikes22 May 18, 09 11:27 AM
  1. Sorry, but I have to comment on this. There is no reason for why your boyfriend should even want to flirt/text/talk to his ex in the first place. Often times when we are in a relationship that we want to work, we tend to accept these standards that we really shouldn't accept. Nevermind the fact that he lied and went out of his way to hide her number so that he can still talk to her, he is excusing his behavior by saying that it is only "flirty/sexy" texts. Hello?! Since when is that OK?

    I think you need to figure out what standard you're willing to settle for. Ultimately, men like him will try to get away with what you let them get away with. Don't let him. You can do better, no matter how you feel now, this is clearly not up to your standards, and rightfully so.

    Posted by Jen May 18, 09 11:28 AM
  1. I'm sorry to say this but your boyfriend is cheating on you. I think that if your gut told you to check his phone, it was for a good reason. You don't trust him, and why should you? He's a liar and a cheater. His explanation is lame and you know it. NYC is a big city, with lots of hot people. Although you probably can't imagine your life without him, just remind yourself everyday that every time you were out of the house, this man was scheduling "butt shows" (whatever that means) with other women. That is just disgustin'!

    You'll get over this and you'll be thanking your lucky stars one day that you found this information out now. Imagine if you had been five or even ten years into this relationship? You dodged a bullet!

    Posted by SassySarah May 18, 09 11:31 AM
  1. Please think about this: She knows where you live, how disturbing. She has most likely been inside your apartment as well. Probably more than once... "downstairs" suggests familiarity with the location. This may having been happening since you saw the first text a year ago.

    Posted by citykitty617 May 18, 09 11:31 AM
  1. I'm with #3 -- are you sure that "Danielle" isn't a cover for something he has going on with his friend Dan???

    Either way, he is up to no good, I'd say.

    Posted by move on May 18, 09 11:31 AM
  1. Sorry, he is definitely a liar and he is definitely cheating. Chances are he is lying to you about WAY more stuff that you don't even know about. Time to dump him and get your single life in order.

    Posted by NOTmarcelluswallace May 18, 09 11:31 AM
  1. Get out first, say goodby later or never. Then get an HIV test. Dan may very well be Dan.

    Posted by You were born, but not yesterday. May 18, 09 11:35 AM
  1. He's a liar and a cheater.
    Get rid of him NOW.

    Posted by Shecky May 18, 09 11:36 AM
  1. Trust is the #1 ingredient in a successful relationship. At the very least, you suspect him, therefore you no longer trust what he is saying to you. He has broken that and believe me, trust is VERY hard to get back. There's a reason he is behaving like this and whether its because you arent "the one" or he has issues of his own that will never go away - no matter who the girl is, I highly doubt it is worth sticking around to find out.

    Pack your bags and get out now, it will be the smartest thing you ever do. I promise you you will not regret this move because you will eventually find a man that doesn't make you feel this way - and it will be wonderful!

    Posted by Dwight Schrute May 18, 09 11:36 AM
  1. ok LW, you are right to be suspicious. You caught your boyfriend lying red handed. She definitely came over yesterday and they hooked up while you were out. In your apartment. Plain & simple. There's no other way to explain the text messages.

    Pack up your things and move out. You don't deserve this. I've been there - most of have in some shape or form. You are going to find out a lot in the next few days. There are more stories and possibly more girls. Your naivete will shock you. Keep your head up and maintain your dignity and self-respect at all times. This is his loss. Hopefully you can stay with a friend until the dust settles. Hopefully one of your guy friends or a brother can give him a little shake down. Take one of his prized possessions while moving out. Keep it classy but ruin his life for the meantime :)

    Posted by trueluv4eva May 18, 09 11:36 AM
  1. The fact that you took the time to write this email tells me that you're not going to break up with him anyways...you're looking for excuses to allow you to believe what you want! He is clearly cheating on you, and it seems that you don't trust him anyways if you're checking his phone. Don't waste your time and energy on someone like this.

    Posted by Red May 18, 09 11:38 AM
  1. A Butt Show during Bike Week is all about listening to your partner:

    Ears not Ass.

    Posted by lance May 18, 09 11:40 AM
  1. Girl, get as far away from him as you can, and text him to let him know you are gone!! He lied, and will continue to do so....and just what the @#%* is a butt show?

    Posted by CandyGirl May 18, 09 11:41 AM
  1. I think it's funny how many people are blasting this guy, but not the girl who is snooping into her boyfriend's business. I dated a girl that did this and I set her up with some nice fake steamy texts that I knew she would snoop into. When she confronted me about it, I informed her that I had set her up. I then told her where she could find the front door.

    Posted by sj May 18, 09 11:43 AM
  1. Rico wants to add a little more fuel (ok, not gas but BIO FUEL) to the fire:

    Rico thinks you are probably young? Regardless you are Naive, immateur and just plain stupid if you don;t believe he met with this "dan". Why would you believe him? He hid the texts under a different name and lied to you all along. You had suspicions which made you check his phone for evidence which you now have backed off on. Give us all a break.

    OK, well we got him on video, and here are the photo's of him and here is the email exchange, along with the condom and DNA samples from both the victim and the perpetrator. Oh, and he has her skin under his fingernails and the victim also had a restraining order against the guy. >>>He seemed so nice, it couldn't have been him, he was framed. We just want to have a happy life together, leave us alone, he is a good boy.

    Rico thinks if you stay with him and he cheats and even worse gets some disease to pass on to you "unknowingly" you DESERVE what you got. Rico wants to see the good in people too but this is too blatant for there to be any good to see. Rico wants a response from you saying you finally see the light and will be moving out immediately, not looking back, not "working things out"!!!

    Leave him or be doomed to live a life of lies.

    Love always,


    Bio-fuel...wind turbines...Loving the green thinking...Get out and enjoy the weather people, Monday is just the beginning.

    Posted by Rico May 18, 09 11:43 AM
  1. Life is too short, you're worth SO much more and as a mother of a young (very) young daughter, I would urge my daughter to love herself more than to put up with ANY doubt whatsoever - sounds like you're having doubts - GET OUT!

    Posted by Andie's mom May 18, 09 11:44 AM
  1. He is cheating on you!!! He definitely saw her the day before because she was "downstairs". He is a scumbag for hiding her name under Dan and a moron to not delete these texts. Of course you could stay with him and when you do catch him a few years down the road maybe you will have kids and no career anymore. Quit the Denial and dump him!!

    Posted by Beantown13 May 18, 09 11:45 AM
  1. How about the health issues? I am sure that you felt comfortable with him living with him and all, to let your health guard down. I am sure that he feels like the has that kind of relationship with her (him?) as well. Perhaps her boyfriend feels the same way, etc. You need to get away from this idiot FAST.

    Posted by mrcyclops May 18, 09 11:45 AM
  1. How about the health issues? I am sure that you felt comfortable with him living with him and all, to let your health guard down. I am sure that he feels like the has that kind of relationship with her (him?) as well. Perhaps her boyfriend feels the same way, etc. You need to get away from this idiot FAST.

    Posted by mrcyclops May 18, 09 11:45 AM
  1. if you don't leave him, you will always have that in the back of your mind and you will be unhappy. if you stay with you'd be announcing to the world that you are stupid. he will think your stupid. he will continue to do it. texxs now email next... and do you really want to figure out his password?

    Posted by korriv May 18, 09 11:45 AM
  1. NYC- Please get out NOW! The "show" is probably "shower". Look up the phrase in urban dictionary.

    Posted by blink May 18, 09 11:47 AM
  1. He should dump you for snooping in his phone.

    Posted by sean May 18, 09 11:47 AM
  1. First of all, I would never have moved for someone who had not already proposed marriage, given me a ring and we had a date already set. But be that as it may, the trust between you is breached and I still do not think he has come clean with himself or you about "Dan". You have every right not to believe him given his hiding his ex girlfriend's name on his cellie. If his relationship with her was truly platonic, he would have invited you to meet for drinks already. I think "butt" show means booty call in text-ese.
    Just be glad that you found out who he really is before you have three kids clinging to your ankles. Move out quickly and move on. That means no more "I promise I won't do it again" discussions, because you will be enabling him to continue his behavior.
    In the future, take things more slowly before moving in with a man lock, stock and two smoking barrels.

    Posted by exvermonter May 18, 09 11:47 AM
  1. I know it will be hard, but you have to break up with him. Either move out , or make him move out. I agree completely with what j-len and Linda wrote....

    Posted by eapoe May 18, 09 11:49 AM
  1. He asked another woman for a "butt show". What more do you need to know?

    Posted by B May 18, 09 11:49 AM
  1. DONE...the guy is cheating on you...i have done the same stuff with the texting and hiding the name thing...IT is over...

    Posted by james May 18, 09 11:51 AM
  1. It is very easy to say " just dumb him" but when you have feelings for someone it is not that simple. While I agree it is difficult to trust when it has been broken but I say come clean with each other and try to make it work. If things don't work out in the end at least you know there will be no "what if's" then you move on as difficult as it is.

    Good luck

    Posted by Portia Charles May 18, 09 11:51 AM
  1. Get rid of him.

    I'm getting ready for a divorce. Your little adventure with "Dan" is what I just got through with my future ex-wife. The cheater had substituted names in chat and email. I didn't look, but a chain of events made me increasingly suspicious. I finally collected enough courage to finally look, and the results were devastating.

    Good luck.

    Posted by Sad but Wiser May 18, 09 11:52 AM
  1. Once again, confirmation that nobody should be in a "serious" relationship, never mind living together before the age of 33. Guys and girls, go out and do everything and everyONE you can....while you can!

    Posted by leykis101 May 18, 09 11:53 AM
  1. Why would you even consider marrying a liar? If things are supposed to be easy now, think about who you want by your side when you're 50 years old, have x children who are teenagers, you're working full time, your parents are aging, life's problems are weighing on you, etc. etc. Get. Out. Now. And then figure out why your self esteem is low enough that it's not jumping out at you. I hope I don't sound cold, I feel badly for your situation, but addressing these self-doubt problems now will save you heartbreak in the future. Get a self help book at Borders, find a therapist, etc. Seriously, you will be thankful you did. Best of Luck.

    Posted by Redheaded Wonder May 18, 09 12:06 PM
  1. Not sure if he's definitely gay. He's just a ( supposedly) smart cheater. He hid Danielle under Dan so that his GF wouldn't be suspicious. I don't like snooping either , I can't condone it. However, her instinct told her to for whatever reason.
    I think that none of us like snooping b/c it's an invasion of our privacy. Yet so many people, everyday, find out deceitful info about their spouses by doing it.
    The only right answer here, whether Dan is actual a Dan at all, or whether it was right to snoop is that it's WRONG to stay in this relationship.

    Posted by thedemocraddict May 18, 09 12:07 PM
  1. Your in denial. These are only the text messages you have seen, what about the others he deleted or the emails or the phone calls. You have two choices and neither are great, either stay with him and always wonder who he is texting, who he is talking to, if he comes home late one day you will be wondering or option #2 end the relationship. Once the line is crossed and the trust is broken there will always be doubt.

    I went through almost the exact same thing recently, I am a guy, my GF started acting funny with her phone, when we were together she always seemed to have it on silent or vibrate mode, at night she would use the change near our bed but stick the phone under the bed, when she would shower he phone would go with her in the bathroom and all sorts of other things. I neve ronce looked or checked her txt mesgs but i knew so one day I confronted her and told her something is not right, and laid it out for her. Things didn't add up and she admitted she has been texting with a guy but it was innocent she said then later after pressing her she admitted she had gone out with him afew times as friends... UI heard enoght and ended the relationship.

    Posted by Jack May 18, 09 12:07 PM
  1. Had you actually heard of him having an ex called Danielle before? I'm with everyone who says Dan is a dude. Either way, he's cheating. Get tested and get out.

    Posted by susan May 18, 09 12:07 PM
  1. If this person Danielle is just a friend then have hm invite her over for dinner with you two, or out for drinks with the both of you.

    Posted by Pete May 18, 09 12:08 PM
  1. Your story just gave me the chills! I was cheated on and when you said you checked his phone while he was in the shower brought me back to when I knew something was wrong in my relationship with my ex fiancee, DUMP HIM NOW!!! I am sorry you are going through this! The pain will be worth it in the end! You don't trust him! I am living proof, there is life after, I am happily married and expecting our first baby in two weeks! Run don't walk!

    Posted by BostonMamma May 18, 09 12:10 PM
  1. Dan is probably wearing your lingerie and giving your scumbag boyfriend a butt show...

    Is he unemployed or works from home? While you go to work he's bumping his "dan" in your bed. He's been doing "dan" for a while and you knew it, suspected it, caught it and yet you deny it?



    Unless you like the idea of sharing your boyfriend with other women then leave, if you don't mind the sharing then have her over, put on some soft music and get into some sexy lingerie and get things going. When your boyfriend comes home maybe you let him join too...

    Posted by Rico is the Bomb May 18, 09 12:11 PM
  1. The act that he was deceiving enough to put Danielle's name under Dan's name makes me think there is more going on than you think. Dump him now. Don't give him a chance to explain, cover up, deny, etc. He's done it once. He'll do it again.

    Posted by Carol May 18, 09 12:11 PM
  1. Snooping GF, potentially cheating BF...these two are perfect for each other.

    Posted by Required Name May 18, 09 12:13 PM
  1. You should invite Dan (or Danielle) over for a bottle of wine or two a few hours using your boyfriend's phone. They will get a surprise when you greet them in an outfit that "means business". You'll get a surprise when you find out if Dan is a boy or girl. Then when the before your boyfriend gets home from work, he'll have then surprise of his life. Everybody likes surprises!

    Posted by X May 18, 09 12:15 PM
  1. Obviously there was some sort of subconscious thought that drew you to checking his phone. I don't condone this type of behavior, as Rico said it is a huge invasion of privacy, BUT in this case where you were skeptical of his truthfulness something was niggling at you and you checked. Most people that are being cheated on KNOW. They just don't want to admit it to themselves. He IS cheating on you. Emotionally and physically. Even if this girl came over and danced for him and he didn't touch her, he wanted to see her. He is not ready for a mature relationship. YES you should leave him. I understand the good stuff is good, but you can find BETTER stuff! Good for you for having the self esteem to already be ready to leave.
    Good luck and just keep telling yourself, you DESERVE THE BEST! You'll find Mr. Right.

    Posted by Joce May 18, 09 12:16 PM
  1. gotta love when people refer to themself in the third person.... anyway....

    have been there and done that. believed that same story myself and after 2 years while on a break the dude got some dumb chick he just met pregnant. dont stick around long enough for that to happen. i believe people can change but he isnt even admitting what clearly took place. he cheated, probably has been since the first text a year ago, and would continue to do so if you stick around to let him. and anyone who says you violated his privacy by looking at his phone is downright dumb. in this day of high technology, how else would you find out? there are no wax stamped love letters laying around to read! if he had nothing to hide he wouldnt care if she looked at his phone. i would offer up my phone to my man to read if he really was feeling insecure, as all of us do feel sometimes. i think you need to think about what you would tell a friend in this situation. its always harder when you are the one actually in the situation. you deserve better. go get it. there are great guys out there who wont cheat and you need to find one.

    Posted by been there done that May 18, 09 12:17 PM
  1. A girl I was just "sleeping with" checked my phone. We had no commitment and hell, she had a husband and kids at home. She wasn't all that good in bed anyhow so I dumped her like the overdue milk in the trash.

    Posted by fred May 18, 09 12:20 PM
  1. the SAME EXACT THING happened to me on my birthday this year (Feb 15, the day after V-Day!)! I went through my boyfriend's phone, and noticed that he had flirtacious texts from his male boss. Obviously figuring that it wasn't really his boss, I called the number and it was my boyfriend's ex-girlfriend! He had put her in his phone under his boss's name so I would never be suspicious of phone calls or texts. What a scumbag! I gave myself the best birthday present ever by booting him out the door. He can be somebody else's pathetic liar... not this girl's!

    Posted by Jamie May 18, 09 12:21 PM
  1. You had no right to search through his personal phone. More often than not, when people go looking for trouble they will find it. Think about how much you violated his privacy? You deserve to be cheated on, if you're going to behave like that. Maybe your snooping and selfish behavior drove him to it. Think about how happy you were before you went and ruined it with your snooping. He was probably just having some fun flirting, and she was probably just joking about being downstairs. Mind your business, and there won't be any problems.

    Posted by StopSnooping May 18, 09 12:21 PM
  1. If your boyfriend is texting and meeting up with another woman...That's a Deal Breaker

    Posted by Charlotte May 18, 09 12:22 PM
  1. I feel bad saying this b/c I know the letter-writers are very serious, but lately, these letters have been better and better each day!

    That said, dump him. These texts lead to no good, trust me--for reals--on this. And a middle finger to those girls that send these things to exes/guys they know are in a happy relationship.

    Posted by E May 18, 09 12:24 PM
  1. I was once in a relationship and all of my friends told me that my boyfriend was cheating on me. They told me about times that they had SEEN him kissing another girl. At the time, I was so blinded, that I denied it and said that they must have been wrong, it must have been his brother they had seen. Looking back on it, I can clearly see how dumb I was and how blinded I was by the situation. He was obviously cheating and I just didn't want to see it. Same thing is happening here-- it's obvious to all on the outside that he is cheating, but you aren't ready to see that yet.
    He is definitely cheating, whether it is with "danielle" or "dan". And remember, that you thought to check his phone for a reason...follow your gut, you know what he is doing, you just need to admit it to yourself. If he went through all of this to conceal his communication with "dan", who knows what else he has been doing. The last thing you want to do is end up with a guy who you constantly have to check up on and can never trust. Good luck, and I'm very sorry that you have to go through all of this!

    Posted by Daisy May 18, 09 12:26 PM
  1. Maybe shawty's got gifts that you dont

    Posted by kp May 18, 09 12:27 PM
  1. Ah, a story as old as time itself. Boy meets girl, girl falls in love with boy, boy gets some strange on the side from an ex. Happy endings all around.

    Sorry bubbles, but so much for your "special relationship". If this guy is brazen enough to ask for a butt show in the apartment you share, then he cares little about your relationship or the ramification of getting caught.

    Love his defense though - "It was only some flirty sexy text messages and phone calls" Nice! By the way, you are delusional if you think he hasn't seen "Dan" and his/her butt in person.

    Posted by Anonymous May 18, 09 12:28 PM
  1. Ah, a story as old as time itself. Boy meets girl, girl falls in love with boy, boy gets some strange on the side from an ex. Happy endings all around.

    Sorry bubbles, but so much for your "special relationship". If this guy is brazen enough to ask for a butt show in the apartment you share, then he cares little about your relationship or the ramification of getting caught.

    Love his defense though - "It was only some flirty sexy text messages and phone calls" Nice! By the way, you are delusional if you think he hasn't seen "Dan" and his/her butt in person.

    Posted by Anonymous May 18, 09 12:29 PM
  1. Unfortunately you will never be able to trust him again and he's lying to you about not seeing this person.

    I had the same thing happen to me - had a gut feeling to check my bf's phone while he was in the shower and sure enough there were text messages to a girl I didnt know. Our relationship was never the same after that and soon ended.

    Posted by singleinthecity May 18, 09 12:30 PM
  1. i'm guessing a "butt show would be nice" was meant to me "but a shower would be nice" - considering s/he was all sweaty...he just had a freudian slip.

    anyway your man is banging someone else. time to move out.

    Posted by i like big butt shows May 18, 09 12:30 PM
  1. DUMP HIM NOW. "Butt Show" speaks for itself. She came over to your home, bent over for him, and he did his business. He cheated on you. You need to dump him fast. You cannot trust this guy. If you stay with him, you will regret it.

    If you are ok with your boyfriend bending over another woman and giving her the business, that's your business, keep him. But I strongly suggest you get as far away from him as possible.

    Posted by I_like_Buttshows_too May 18, 09 12:31 PM
  1. You clearly invaded his privacy but he violated your relationship, which one is worse? Both! I guess the argument could be said that you wouldn't have invaded his privacy without a reason so I can't completely fault you for looking. I do fault him for being sloppy and keeping those messages on his phone and not delete them but my guess is he has deleted many more in the past and this was one time where he slipped, I can only imagine what is sitting in his email account my guess is smoking gun of info that would be 20 times worse . Your relationship may have seemed special but he was living a lie, this girl Daniel was giving him something we were not giving him and you were giving him something she wasn't given him so he had the best of both worlds. Sadly it is time to cut bait and move on. Sure he says he will change, but the only thing he will change is how he contacts her and how long he keeps the messages on his phone. The worst part is there is a great chance this has been going on for a while and very likely they were hooking up where you live, in your bed, in your shower, couch .... etc... that thought for me would be enough to leave no-questions-asked.

    Posted by Patrick May 18, 09 12:34 PM
  1. Good thing you found out now that he is a lier & a cheat & selfish bastard. Break up with him immediately, don't ever look back. Don't believe his bull-crap about how sorry he is because he's not sorry, he thinks he can "sweet talk you to believe anything he says". The guy sounds like a "Master" at being a "Cheat". You can't always judge a book by it's COVER. Lots of creeps out there so beware.

    Posted by Been around May 18, 09 12:35 PM
  1. At risk of targeting myself for ire here, I'm going to play devil's advocate. I know it's a long shot, but this might really not be that big a deal.
    Yes, he lied to you. Danielle was clearly there yesterday. And if lying is a dealbreaker, then your deal is broken.
    But it's possible he lied because it really wasn't that significant to him, and he worried that you'd (understandably) see it differently. For example, once upon a time I kissed a guy, in silliness, so I told my boyfriend. He didn't believe me, he was sure that we'd actually slept together, and I was left wishing I'd never been honest about it in the first place. Something totally insignificant was blown way out of proportion because my BF didn't trust me to begin with.
    As other commenters have already said, if you're going through his cell phone, then you clearly don't trust your BF already.
    Some people really don't care if their SO flirts, as long as they feel secure in the relationship. Some people also don't care if their guy watches porn, or goes to strip clubs, as long as he keeps his hands to himself. But maybe that's not you, not your style. And in *your* relationship, it's only okay if you both agree it's okay.
    Absolutely, he might be cheating on you, having sex with some other woman -- or man. It's also possible that they send racy texts to each other, but then they do nothing worse than have a cup of coffee together. Text messaging is a strange thing.
    You need to be able to trust him, and not be going through his cell phone or snooping elsewhere. And he needs to earn your trust, and not be doing stuff that makes you unhappy or suspicious.
    Hash it out, be clear, set some boundaries. Be honest about what you both want, and what you can and can't live with from the other. Then decide if you can meet happily in the middle, or if it's time to pack up and go.

    Posted by maggie May 18, 09 12:35 PM
  1. I went through the same thing with my Ex.....he was texting his ex asking to go out to dinner and even sent her flowers. I took him back and we went together on a weeekend getaway to patch things up....come to find out after the trip he was still seeing her. Never be in a relationship where you can not trust your partner. It ruined my sexual desire for him and hurt me. Be strong and move on honey.....it was revealed for a reason

    Posted by Ros May 18, 09 12:37 PM
  1. And if your girlfriend is violating your privacy by reading your text messages on your phone...also a Deal Breaker!

    Posted by Christopher May 18, 09 12:37 PM
  1. CHEATER. Get out of there fast. It's going to be tough -- any break up is -- and especially terrible since all signs point to him cheating on you. No girl deserves this. Cut your losses and leave.

    Posted by once a cheater, always a cheater May 18, 09 12:39 PM
  1. Is your BF name Mark?

    Posted by crisskimball May 18, 09 12:40 PM
  1. This is sad. I'm sorry its happening. You must leave him. I think you know in your gut that this relationship is just not right.. Please be STRONG and move out.

    Posted by chloe May 18, 09 12:43 PM
  1. Rae and 100 others said it best:
    "Don't be a doormat. Have some self-respect and get out. "

    Time to move on.

    Posted by bbaoei May 18, 09 12:43 PM
  1. Speaking from the side of a girl who is still being texted by a married ex (no, I'm not Danielle)....Don't trust him.

    Even if he hasn't "done" anything in the physical sense, it's still cheating and he isn't going to stop.

    Posted by Anonymous May 18, 09 12:45 PM
  1. Ok, He's been lying for over a year. Plus, don't be too sure that Danielle is not Dan. Either way run for the highway. Sometimes you can love someone but not live with them.

    Posted by jojobobo May 18, 09 12:45 PM
  1. I read #62 and similar comments and had to laugh -- yeah, she snooped -- but they also LIVE together where they share *a lot more* of their lives than stupid phones. I am NOT condoning what she did -- but don't you think what she found (after some suspicion I am sure) kind of justifies her actions. She did not snoop through a stranger's phone, not even a casual boyfriend's.... they lived together for two years.... I don't know.... if the cheaters wouldn't cheat, then the other partner wouldn't have to stoop to such means I suppose.
    And oh: girl, please leave him. no other way. In case you are still wondering and pondering!!

    Posted by chins May 18, 09 12:47 PM
  1. Another thought...I guess no one here has ever had the auto text feature on their phone fill in a word/phrase they didn't mean and you don;t realize it until after the message is gone.

    Posted by Required Name May 18, 09 12:50 PM
  1. I agree with everything everyone has said, except for one thing - you should kick him out and keep the apartment until you are ready to leave. He can go stay with Danielle. You can have every surface professionally scoured and cleaned.

    Posted by NotAndy'sgirl May 18, 09 12:51 PM
  1. Wake up, maggie...

    Posted by val May 18, 09 12:55 PM
  1. Forget the people who chide you for invasion of privacy. You are in a committed relationship. You are living together, and you moved your life for him. If he were an honest man, he would have nothing to hide from you in his phone anyway.

    He is a liar and a cheater. Don’t believe anything different.

    I could have written this letter. Change NYC to California and that he moved here, and our situations are identical. My idiot ex-boyfriend Joe continued a relationship with his ex (mostly phone and email except when he returned to Boston for his “butt shows”). The one text that I found was the tip of the iceberg….just as you have seen.

    Do yourself a favor, leave now. He will never admit to what he has done, and you will never get further “closure” from finding further proof. BELIEVE ME. I found mountains of evidence after that one text and actually spoke to the ex-gf who confirmed everything. He still continued to deny everything – saying it was just flirty emails, etc. and claiming she had a motive to lie. What a joke!

    I am so sorry you are going through this, but you will get over this idiot and find somebody who is worthy of your love. Many months and many tears later, I realize what a gift it was to find out the truth when I did. Imagine your life many years later; married with children, only then to find out you have spent your life with a liar and a cheater.

    Posted by Jen May 18, 09 12:55 PM
  1. wow. same thing happened to a friend of mine. The guy put his ex girlfriend into his phone under his sister's name. Imagine my friends surprise when she found some pretty steamy texts from her boyfriend's 'sister'! I know you must be so sad, and i feel for you, but this type of behavior is something a sneaky person normally does, not something a normal person does to be sneaky and that makes your boyfriend a creep. Run fast.

    Posted by blahblahblah May 18, 09 01:00 PM
  1. No one wants to think the person they love and trust will deceive. It's heart-breaking to experience it.

    I am confused, like many of the other responders, when you said you believed he didn't see "Dan" yesterday when the text message clearly states differently. I must say that I'd delve a little further and ask him if Dan is really just Dan and he was ashamed to admit it.

    You need to determine if this is worth saving. Personally, I'd always wonder and therefor never truly trust again. That's not a good relationship, in my opinion.

    Best wishes - hope you find some peace.


    Posted by TAM May 18, 09 01:01 PM
  1. Yay!!! Butt show!!!!

    Posted by Sarah May 18, 09 01:10 PM
  1. This girl's a psycho. Checking out his cell phone is probably the tip of the iceberg. I'm sure she's reading his e-mails, going through his contact list, etc. Dude, this is a blessing - you're free!!!

    Posted by Anonymous May 18, 09 01:10 PM
  1. Run away, I agree with all the other readers. He went out of his way to lie to you. Who cares if he was with a guy or his ex, he lied to you once and then did so in a real stab you in the back way.

    So you invaded his privacy, considering you were thinking about taking the next step, you had every right to know what you were getting into and who you were getting involved with. Something I've learned, if you think someone is cheating, they probably are. If you feel unsafe around them with your heart, simply move on. Intuition is usually correct even if it hurts. It will hurt more the longer you stay and try to believe more lies.

    Posted by MC May 18, 09 01:11 PM
  1. OH......MY.....GAWD!!! Are you kidding me? You need to ask advice on this one? He is cheating on you, and has been for a year now, at least. Please, please, end it now. I know you love him honey, but he is cheating. Take it from someone who had the same thing happen to her, and I stayed too long living daily in doubt. (I never ever trusted again, nor will you, I promise.) As for me, I can't go anywhere now cuz I have 2 kids who worship him. I gladly sacrifice my happiness for theirs these days because I love my kids too much and he is the worlds BEST Dad. But do you want this for yourself? Please don't end up like me. End it with this cheater immediately. There is absolutely NO QUESTION here. She (or he) was at your apartment yesterday and she's been there before (I didn't see any directions in the text string, did you?). Please God, get out of this relationship TODAY. And for the record, I am so sorry that he did this to you. He sux.

    Posted by beenthere May 18, 09 01:13 PM
  1. After consideration, I think your BF is GAY.
    "Butt show"?
    "all sweaty"?

    "Dan" is a man.

    Posted by Shecky May 18, 09 01:13 PM
  1. Its time to share your butt with others....

    Posted by yep May 18, 09 01:22 PM
  1. Sweetie,

    Your boyfriend has a boyfriend.

    A hot, sweaty boyfreind that likes to give butt shows.

    Soooooo...um, maybe you could get in on that.
    I'm just saying...

    Posted by Sarah May 18, 09 01:24 PM
  1. Why are you snooping around in his phone?

    He may be a jerk, but you are also wrong in snooping around.

    Posted by Mikey "Insane" Monkeypants May 18, 09 01:28 PM

    Posted by well-wisher May 18, 09 01:29 PM
  1. I agree with others that "Dan" probably really is Dan and in our multicultural world he may also be 'Danielle' if he has a preference for cross-dressing, too.
    The bottomline (no pun intended) is that you Bf is cheating on you-be it with a man, woman or both. The opening dialogue in the text message is Dan asking if your BF is 'really sure he wants him to come over'. This indicates that there was a prior text or phone message by your BF inviting 'Dan' over to your place. I guarantee it wasn't the first and won't be the last time. The bigger concern here is that you BF has been having an intimate relationship with someone else. This sitation doesn't warrant Jerry Sringer-esque drama, just quick action.
    1. Call one of your good friends back in Boston and arrange for a place to stay,
    2. Pack your bags-no drama just go-get on the Acela (eco-friendly) to Boston
    3. Call a local health center and get tested for STDs
    4. Use this as a learning experience

    Posted by Bambinosmom May 18, 09 01:29 PM
  1. I think I am in love with Rico ;)

    Posted by ageisanumber May 18, 09 01:34 PM
  1. If you do not want to talk/give your messages directly to your BF/SO,
    I CAN and WILL DO IT. or ask IDIOT JOE or whoever you want.
    MESSENGERS are free and can convey WHATEVER to him.

    Posted by living&breathinginNY May 18, 09 01:34 PM
  1. This guy deserves whatever he gets based on his own stupidity. Obviously he's a rookie. Doesn't he know you're supposed to immediately delete all text messages from your phone as soon as you send/receive them?

    Posted by craftsman May 18, 09 01:38 PM
  1. And about that snooping...yes, it's snooping. But...(Butt.. ha ha)...
    * there is something not right
    * this something perhaps unconsciously leads GF to check phone
    * GF would not under normal, healthy circumstances do this
    * GF finds cause of things not being right

    OK, methods are questionable, but she found what she perhaps "knew" was there. This does not in any way condone snooping, but in this case, if he really is a lying, cheating ass, what exactly is her approach? "Gee, honey, are you seeing anyone besides me?" He's not exactly going to come clean with conventional methods. I don't see full disclosure happening anywhere...

    Sorry, sweetie, you need to dump him and then go for counseling so you can find a good man and be ready to stop snooping...good luck!

    Posted by Vesuvia May 18, 09 01:40 PM
  1. Whoa......people. Where is Hoss? Sittin' this one out, laughin' on the fence posts with Little Joe and the rest of his cowpals over at Fidelity? Hoss, did you punk Meredith?

    Posted by Fresi May 18, 09 01:41 PM
  1. craftsman - you are loser. you will end up dying miserable and alone. Something exciting to look forward to huh?

    Posted by chloe May 18, 09 01:46 PM
  1. I'm another girl getting random texts from TWO married ex's....both married with kids (I NEVER respond and have been honest with my current SO in case he ever decides to snoop. And he can look any time....nothing to hide here)

    He's not going to change...he'll just get more sneaky (sneakier?). (((hugs)))

    Posted by stacy May 18, 09 01:47 PM
  1. I love how some of the readers make Let Down the villain of the story by being the snoop. Most people snoop if they feel they are being cheated on or lied to. I’m not saying its right, but it is human nature. Before emails and texting, one had to actually FOLLOW the BF around until he was caught. I don’t care if Dan is a Dan or a Danielle, the point is, he’s a cheater.

    Let Down, he has cheated on you. Stop lying to yourself by saying that you believe him when he said he didn’t see her. She was downstairs, for chrissakes!! Do you honestly think he went downstairs, opened the door, and said, “hey, nice to see you, well, bye bye now?” He let her in. He lied to you when he said he would have no further contact with her, because he did. He hid her from you. And he more than likely had sex with her while you weren’t home. My guess is that if most of the readers don’t know what a “butt show” is, it is probably some cute intimate language the BF and Danielle made up to talk about their sex life.

    Now, here’s the thing: you and he aren’t married. Is Danielle married? Why is he cheating on you when he could simply break up with you and get back together with her? I’ll tell you why. He’s a cheater. And he always will be a cheater. If it isn’t Danielle, it will be some other woman. And if he and Danielle ever get together, he will cheat on her. It doesn’t have anything to do with love. He probably does love you. But that won’t stop him from cheating on you. It hasn’t before, and it won’t now. And no matter how much you love him, it won’t change him. Not one bit. He has to WANT to reform, and quite frankly, the fear of loosing you won’t make him want to reform, it will just make him sneakier. As long as he continues to get away with cheating, he will always cheat. Period. End of Story. Wham.

    Man, if I were you, Let Down, I’d walk. You’re much too young and life is much to short to waste time trying to fix this dude. You’ll only end up with more baggage if you try to fix it and the fix don’t work. Walk now – no regrets, no looking back, no second chances. He’ll be heartbroken, but I’m sure another butt show from Danielle will cure what ails him. There are millions of nice guys out there that are good people, who don’t cheat. What do you want for the next five years of your life, Let Down: More feelings of depression and sadness, suspicion and untrusting-ness, or joy and love?

    Oh, and a quick note to “stopsnooping” – who are you, her BF? If he was tired of her snooping and jealousy, he should have just dumped her. A much more honest way than cheating.

    Posted by Anonymous May 18, 09 01:48 PM
  1. Grab HIS phone, Text DAN with some provocative and suggestive language and see what her response is. Ask about 'last time we were together' and keep eliciting info that way. Though by now he has prob warned her...

    Also - NEVER snoop - don't read partner's emails, texts or any private stuff or else... (Is it OK for your partner to snoop into your private communications?)

    Posted by J.C. May 18, 09 01:48 PM
  1. He is clearly cheating on you, the only question is, is it with a man or woman?

    Posted by zagnut May 18, 09 01:53 PM
  1. If you haven't finished packing yet you're moving too slowly.
    sorry, but that's the only conclusion possible.

    Posted by gc May 18, 09 01:54 PM
  1. He would not have willingly given up "danielle" were he not trying to cover for the fact that the real story here involves a "dan."

    This is one of those occasions where you've been offered the gift of the truth. You should consider yourself extraordinarily fortunate to have had this be revealed before you'd gone any further down the road in terms of engagement, marriage, etc.

    Your BF is not a good person. He does not value you or your relationship. I don't know whether this will be the case for you, but if I were to find myself in a similar circumstance, the sordid details of this situation would actually make it easier to move forward; not nearly the ambiguity here as that which attends the more run-of-the-mill "we've just outgrown each other" break-ups.

    Posted by florence May 18, 09 01:59 PM
  1. Seems like this is pretty obvious, almost too obvious. If you are really asking whether to leave this guy, if you are seriously doubting that he cheated on you, then you need more help than we can offer. He cheated, lots of people do, and lots of people have survived the break up. You will too. Good luck.

    Seems to me that you are really wondering if something is weird, which is why you spelled out the entire text conversation. Yes, something is really weird about those messages and I have to say that he's probably closeted. There are two big, big things going on here - you discovered that your boyfriend is cheating but you also discovered that your best friend is probably gay and ashamed of it.

    Dump him, and do what you need to do to move on. If you have it in you, try to be supportive of his coming out process. It's probably too much to ask but as a friend you could try to help him find a safe and supportive environment. Standing by a cheating ex is the hardest thing I could think of to do, but this seems to be about more than just you.

    In any case, you have good evidence that he has had multiple partners so you need to get yourself tested immediately.

    Posted by Edna May 18, 09 02:03 PM
  1. I can't believe all of the people here upset that she checked his phone... What do you all have to hide? What happened to honesty and truth between 2 people in a committed relationship? Why shouldn't she be able to look at his phone? My wife and I use each others phones all the time, we know each others email passwords, etc. If you're committed then stuff like this shouldn't matter. It's not an invasion of privacy, you dropped the privacy part of your life as soon as you started living together. Clearly the better option was for her to get further into this relationship and then get hurt even worse later on...

    Speaking of which he's clearly cheating, most likely with Dan the "friend" he hasn't seen in a year, sure........

    Posted by NK7 May 18, 09 02:09 PM
  1. Have you read "He's Just Not That Into You"? If not, then you should because yeah, he doesn't care about you at all -- just himself. Get out now or be stuck in a relationship full of lies. And trust me, a good relationship really isn't supposed to be like that. You'll find someone so much better and this guy will be a distant memory and a learning experience. And I agree with everyone, get an STD test.

    Posted by Just a thought May 18, 09 02:11 PM
  1. #91- Been there, would love to talk to you further. I also found out that my husband cheated on me, and am agonizing over it. Like you, I have two small children, and it is for them that I have stayed so far, but I'm not sure how else to handle the betrayal. I think about it daily (happened 9 months ago) and would love to be able to get over the pain. I'm not sure I'll ever be able to trust him again. I do now check his email and phones to confirm that he not cheating, but is that anyway to live out the rest of our life? NYC-- PLEASE, please leave him, even though it will be tough. better now than when you are married with kids.

    Posted by sadwife May 18, 09 02:15 PM
  1. I can relate and although it was very hard to do, I did walk out finally. My Ex boyfriend did something similar and every time I confronted him he gave me some ridiculous nonsense story that I knew was unbelievable. I look back now and I know he's probably with someone that he can't trust, just like he deserves. They say "It takes 1 to know 1" and that's what he belongs with, the same scum that he is.

    Posted by Reg May 18, 09 02:19 PM
  1. Dan is a MAN. Leave now, or accept the BF as your new best gay friend!

    Posted by NorthShoreJen May 18, 09 02:21 PM
  1. Get rid of him. From someone who believed my ex's excuses, stories, and bs about how inappropriate contact was supposedly "innocent"- you can't wait around for the definitive smoking gun. I'm guessing that like me, you feel that just because you haven't walked in on him in the act that you can explain away the things he's done. But you can't. I promise you, you will be so mad and disappointed in yourself down the road if you keep dating him. It only gets harder, and much, much worse. Leave now, break it off now, and don't look back. You deserve better.

    Posted by Been there Done that May 18, 09 02:21 PM
    Perhaps you’re inclined to believe him because of what you perceive to be "truth" from his words that he's telling you. Please Stop rationalizing in your mind and giving him the benefit of your delusional thinking. I suggest that you don't listen to his words in this matter and look at the facts and realization of “the texting”. My guess is he's lying to you. He's not strong enough or doesn't have the courage to tell you he's been dishonest and cheating. You have to make a hard, tough, decision. My advice - Tell him you lost trust and don't listen to his explanations in the aftermath of his attempt to cover his lies. Hold firm and trust your thinking - the thinking that told you to look at his cell phone\texting.
    Stay strong

    Posted by jymt May 18, 09 02:21 PM
  1. Frankly, it's none of your business and shame on you for trying to make it our business too.

    There is no such thing as a relationship of any type (personal, romantic, business, professional, etc.) that is 100% transparent and 100% honest. There are always things that are kept secret, preferences not revealed, opinions withheld, etc. The sooner you and the rest of the do-gooders on this site realize this, the better off we'll be.

    Personal space and liberties, not choking, suffocating, neediness!!

    Posted by Senora Rico May 18, 09 02:22 PM
  1. I LOVE the Butt show. It was sketch comedy series produced by MTV and ran for only half a season. I used to watch it with my roomate. I think it's on reruns. Simply hillarious stuff.

    Posted by Dan Sansclue May 18, 09 02:28 PM
  1. First of all, don't make some of the posters make you feel bad for snooping. Something made you snoop, something made you have suspicion. Doesn't matter if Dan is a man or woman. He is lying to you. that in and of itself is grounds for dismissal. not only has he been lying to you, he's been doing it for a long time. I'm sorry, but he's also cheating on you. You caught him red handed and he isn't even doing a good job trying to cover it up. If you stay with him, just make sure you get checked for STD's frequently and be prepared for a long life of lies and cheating. If it were me, I'd thank my stars that I found out now and I'd run

    Posted by Mae May 18, 09 02:30 PM
  1. " . . . I had an urge to look at his phone."

    Trust is the only reliable cornerstone of a lasting relationship. It's clear you don't trust him, so it doesn't really matter if he's cheating on you or not. The fact that you feel the need to look for clues to his infidelity means that ultimately you will find them, whether they ac tually exist or not.

    Posted by prairiemike May 18, 09 02:38 PM
  1. LOL @ 62.
    People who condone things like stealing and infidelity are the most vehement sounding boards when it comes to statements like 'MY PRIVACY WAS INVADED'. It is as though the crime of searching out the truth using technology is worse than the person who uses the same technology to perpetuate harm, hurt or pain against their victims.

    Yes, I do believe that privacy should be respected. That is until I have good reason to think that I am being violated in any way such as infidelity, financially or safety. Cross me & I will use whatever I can to get to the truth and unfold the mystery. Sorry, but people today think nothing of crossing the line and expect that everyone deserves to be violated and just take it. No way.

    Drop this guy. He does not deserve a 2nd chance. He lies too much & thinks little of your relationship. Never let anyone try to convince you that they will change 'after' they got caught. He could have changed after he got caught the first time when you found the first 'unprovoked' (bs btw) message. You were right to check his phone after that unsettling text.

    Guys (and gals) with substance (and dare I say, normal) don't act like this while they are in a committed relationship. All this is just plain juvenile. Watching or thinking about adults getting all excited over flirty/dirty texting is disturbing in many ways - there really is something wrong with people who resort to such things as they reach into the sordid recesses of their brains for sick fulfillment. How sad. Seriously, what kind of girl would go to a guys house to give a butt show? LOL Oh, yeah, this is normal behavior, NOT!

    Posted by marj May 18, 09 02:42 PM
  1. OK you gotta walk away. Cut your losses and move on, before you are dealing with this with a mortgage and a houseful of kids. If he really wants you to trust him, make him show you all of his phone bills for however long you've been together. I bet the frequency of his contact with her is many, many times over and above what he has admitted to and that info should make it crystal clear that he is hiding things from you. You deserve better...take care of yourself, it's a hard thing to do but you cannot have a future with this guy.

    Posted by Jen May 18, 09 02:44 PM
  1. LDINYC - what kind if advice would you give a friend who came to you with the same story? Right - you'd tell them to beat feet out of there. Nothing worse than deception and the broken trust that goes with it.

    You may want to start focusing on your health and your own wellbeing. Doesn't sound like you're the only one in that relationship in denial.

    Good luck.

    Truck w/oversize tires ........ 4 wheel drive ....... off road permit to the Nat'l Seashore ...... surfcasting rods ....... bonfire ....... get out and enjoy the environment people!!

    Posted by Francis Soyer May 18, 09 02:48 PM
  1. In the words of the great Tina Fey: "That's a deal breaker, ladies."

    Also, who ever posted and said he was trying to write "but a shower would be nice", you are absolutely correct. Good thinking.

    I'm sorry this is happening to you. It sucks right now, but for your own good, you need to move on. And don't listen to the people who said you deserve it for going through his phone. If you live together and are talking marriage, you should be able to look at the other person's phone.

    Posted by kate May 18, 09 02:48 PM
  1. The BF is a "richard cranium" and is getting his brown showers from "dan-the-man" he's an a $$ hat. But the fact she found evidence does not make her wrong, "right" invasion of privacy is still invasion of privacy.

    They deserve each other. I feel bad for "Dan"

    Posted by knuckledeep May 18, 09 02:56 PM
  1. All these women are blasting this guy like he is the worst guy in the world....Please.....This girl is probably a prune in bed. This guy probably misses some good sex he used to have with his former GF.
    When a guy cheats on you, first thing you should do is look yourself in the mirror.
    Honey, you're lacking something. Trust me.
    Why doesn't he ask you for a "butt show"?
    Because he knows you can't deliver the goods. You know what I mean....Ah ah


    Posted by Jay Stevens May 18, 09 02:59 PM
  1. I guess I am having trouble understanding what the problem is here? According to your own words:

    I am in a happy, loving relationship.
    He is my best friend.
    We have meaningful discussions.
    we talk about the future.
    He is emotionally supportive.
    We have SO much fun together.
    There is no lack of chemistry.
    Recently, our relationship has been especially good.

    So he wants to diddle with an ex or another guy on the side? You have 90% of what it takes for a successful relationship, as per your own words. Let him have his 10% on the side and live happily ever after.

    Posted by mps May 18, 09 03:00 PM
  1. Does anyone have Danielle's (Dan) number?

    Posted by RR Fields May 18, 09 03:02 PM
  1. I think it is a terrible violation of his trust to check his phone. What if he hadn't had anyhthing there? Would you tell him you checked? Would you apologize? I've told every girlfriend i have ever had, that if i ever found out they checked my phone, email etc or anything like that, I would break up with them immediately. To me that is a huge dealbreaker. If you don't trust him, break up with him, but don't start invading personal privacy. I don't care if you found anything. Its wrong to look in the first place. I knew a girl who was checking her boyfriends email, and found out that he had bought an engagement ring for her. She was so excited, but she couldn't tell him she knew. He ended up waiting to ask her for 6 months, as he was waiting for some date that had special meaning to them. She agonized over it for 6 months, about why he hadn't asked yet. It ended up causing all sorts of problems, and when she finally confessed to him that she had known all that time, he was so hurt, he broke up with her, and took back the ring. I felt bad for her, but she got what she deserved. You should too.

    Posted by SneakyBroadsAreNoGood May 18, 09 03:05 PM
  1. For everyone who supports the idea of "following your gut" and checking a SO's texts, email, etc.: What if you snoop and don't find anything? Do you then assume that just because you didn't find anything doesn't mean that your SO isn't cheating because your gut tells you so? It's impossible to prove a negative! What if LDINYC snooped and didn't find anything? She would then have to pretend to her "best friend" that she trusts him which is lying on her part. Or is this just an "ends justifying the means" defense? I'm not saying LDINYC deserves this; I am saying that if she had addressed the fact that she didn't trust this man earlier on, this drama wouldn't be happening.

    Posted by Ruby May 18, 09 03:10 PM
  1. Your gut is telling you to leave him. Trust your instincts, they are always right. Make it quick, don't dwell on this--break up, move out, and DO NOT let him try to convince you otherwise. If you become wishy-washy about this, think of the advice you would give a friend--most likely you would tell her to leave him. You can not trust him. Life is too hard to go through it with a partner you always have to stress about. Good luck and you will definitely find a MUCH better man who is truly selfless!!!!

    Posted by B9 May 18, 09 03:13 PM
  1. OK. Time to TURN ON YOUR BRAIN! Tell your heart to shut up because it will only get you MORE hurt. He's cheating on you. What you think is so good, it's not. You have not been paying attention. He's cheating on you. Did you get that? He's cheating on you. YOu are young, firm, the best you will ever look in your life, with life as easy as it will ever be. DO NOT go further with a man like this. If your single time is like this, you'll never make it through marriage and kids. Dump him. FAST. Clean out all pictures of him, take all the stuff that reminds you of him, put it in the box. Allow yourself a year to mourn and feel crappy. You'll thank yourself for the next 50 years. DUMP HIM!

    Posted by older wizer seen this before May 18, 09 03:14 PM
  1. He's cheating, and that's the truth. Trust me. I can't tell you what to do, but if you want to be with some who's treating you with no respect, who's a liar and cheater, then, your bf is perfect for you. If you want to be someone who cares for you and want you, and only you, then dump your bf because he's obvioulsy not that guy.

    I understand that you love him with all your heart, it is also really hard to let go of someone who's been in your life for so long, but at the same time you need to think about yourself. Do you want to spend the next 50 years of your life checking his phone to make sure he's not cheating? I think not. It will be really hard to get over him, but you can. I feel really bad that you're going though this. It's up to you to put an end to it. I know you can do it because you sound really strong, strong enough to comfront the bastard about the text message ( I wanna punch him right now ), so be brave. Dan or Danielle, he's a cheater. Remember, your HEALTH is more important that his drama.
    Tell him it's over. ( I would call that Dan person first though, just to make sure it's an actual woman and not his friend "Dan")



    Posted by ida May 18, 09 03:22 PM
  1. To those who think she's in the wrong here...what would you do if you were in a committed relationship and you suspected you were being cheated on? ignore the signs and wait to stumble in on the scene? Please. She did nothing wrong.

    Posted by B May 18, 09 03:23 PM
  1. I like big butts and I can't not lie!

    Posted by SoxSupporter May 18, 09 03:25 PM
  1. He ought to dump you...I hope your stuff is laying out on the steps when you get "home" from work. You have no right to snoop. You say all is well and you are sooo happy then you go and snoop? If it was so good then why did you snoop?



    Posted by Rico's alter ego May 18, 09 03:26 PM
  1. I like big butts and I cannot lie, you other brothers might deny.....

    He is cheating on your with a Man.....GTFO....don't let the door hitcha where the good lord splitcha!

    Posted by gertie May 18, 09 03:28 PM
  1. Without trust there is nothing. If you feel he is truly sorry and repentant, AND you are willing to let him try to earn back your trust, stay in the relationship for what would amount to a probationary period. However, if every time he steps away (to the shower, falls asleep, goes out to get the mail, goes to take a dump, etc.), you are going to wrestle with the idea of grabbing his phone, scouring his email, searching his sock drawer, etc., then do us all a favor and end it now. Nobody likes a snoop.

    If it were me, I would play it cool for a day or two and then out of the blue, ask him to call Dan/Danielle so that you can all talk and clear the air. Have him use the ‘Dan’ contact number from his phone, do it right then and there (i.e. no lead time), and put it on speaker phone. If he squirms or balks at it, then I would know more than any lifestyle reporter (no offense ‘Dith) or Boston.com reader could tell me.

    - Hoss

    (posting late today to try to cut down on the 'commentor on commentor' crime spree)

    Posted by Hoss May 18, 09 03:30 PM
  1. SneakyBroadsAreNoGood: You are an idiot. You sound really young (18-19?) and painfully stupid. I feel horrible for any woman that would have the poor luck of dating someone with an attitude like yours. Judging by your story, your friends are ALSO really young and really stupid.

    The point here is that she was RIGHT in snooping. Not only was she right but she saved herself from an abusive relationship. When you are in a relationship like this in the first place, you should not have to HIDE anything. So you should not get upset with someone snooping through your stuff. In marriage there is a saying - What's mine is hers. You'll understand that saying someday if you are ever lucky enough to get married.

    Posted by MP May 18, 09 03:32 PM
  1. Everyone who cares that she checked his phone must really love cheating! WOW. I did this… I was this a*hole. My ex about 6 years ago read an email a previous ex had been writing me. It never got physical but it was inappropriate. I was immature and disrespectful to my current relationship. BUT I was the A$$! I didn’t blame her! I got caught!

    What’s the big friggin deal? What percentages of people that check actually find something?? Probably enough!! No transparency in a relationship? Sounds miserable. She had a hunch to check… And guess what??? She found out she’s being cheated on!! Miraculous!! Who wants to be made a fool?? Getting caught changed everything for me. I am now an open book. And i deserve to be

    Posted by itwasnt me May 18, 09 03:52 PM
  1. Sounds like he was doing a lot more than just flirting with an exg/f, gratned just because there is smoke doesn't mean there is fire... Is the guy a moron for leaving it on his text, YES, should he be pissed that she read the texts, NO, but bottomline, it sounds like he was moving on from just a flirt to following through with the "butt show".... the dude's cheating!

    Posted by Jeffrey Sullivan May 18, 09 04:16 PM
  1. Ohhhh... I'm so sorry for the poster. What a complete tool her bf is!!!
    Unfortunately there really is no other option - DUMP HIM and FAST! He's obviously been lying for at least a year about his ex... what kind of best friend is that? What kind of boyfriend is that? Definitely not someone worthy of the poster (or ANYONE for that matter).

    Trust is one of THE most important things in all relationships, when that is lost, it is rare that it is ever gained back and if it is it takes many, many years and often counselling.

    Posted by KimberlyM May 18, 09 04:18 PM
  1. “Do you still want to see me?” and "Are you sure you want me to come over?" indicate that HE was the one asking her to come over. He said that the first text (a year ago) was unprovoked but she asked "do you still want to see me?", which indicates that he had asked to see her and her text was not out of the blue. Yes, you've been living together for almost 2 years, but this "text" relationship has been going on for at least a year! The bottom line is that you will not be able to trust him and that you'll always be anxious, wondering whether or not he's cheating on you. Dump him now. He's not worth it. You'll find chemistry with someone else. Btw, whether you were wrong for checking his messages or not, he's still a cheat!

    Posted by CB May 18, 09 04:20 PM
  1. Horrible thought.. "Dan" or "Danielle" brought his/her "Butt Show" to your appt, and not only to your apartment, but probably to your own bed.

    I repeat, they were probably getting their groove on in your bed.

    A simple text message that you were desperate and needed another butt show NOW.. you are alone.. might have helped dispel the myth that Dan is a man versus the woman you thought he/she was...

    In any case, it is time to move on. Then you lose the trust in the relationship, it is very difficult to get it back. Does he deserve it back? Do you deserve that? Do you deserve to be looking over your shoulder for the rest of your life?

    It will hut like heck for a while but it will get better. The man of your dreams is out there waiting. There are some of us men out there who do not cheat, and who treat their ladies with respect and love.

    Last bit of advice, if you are looking for a good man, do not go shopping in bars/clubs.. Where do you think cheating vermin go to meet their next victim? Join some sports clubs (if you enjoy that) or some type of hobby or interest group you have and find someone with similar interests as you. This will help your loneliness and give you a subset of new people to interact with.

    You deserve to be happy.. you deserve more than Butt show man can give you. Move on… learn… and trust again..

    Posted by Darsen May 18, 09 04:31 PM
  1. I think your bf, if so dump him as he did the same to me.

    Posted by Some men will never change May 18, 09 04:39 PM
  1. Relationships are built on trust, especially marital relationships. If you cannot trust him, get away from him and go on with your life. If you get involved with someone you cannot trust you will have one miserable life.

    Posted by wiseol'owl May 18, 09 04:41 PM
  1. Relationships are built on trust, especially marital relationships. If you cannot trust him, get away from him and go on with your life. If you get involved with someone you cannot trust you will have one miserable life.

    Posted by wiseol'owl May 18, 09 04:41 PM
  1. By the way, I LOVE how all of these guys are writing in rebuking this woman for looking in her BF's phone. Guys, GET OFF HER BACK.

    You all are probably lying cheating bastages that don't want your significant others to get any ideas about your phones.

    In this case, the end justified the means. Lay off and keep your vitrol to yourselves.

    Posted by Get off her back! May 18, 09 04:45 PM
  1. So he got the first text from the mystery number a year ago. And he hasn't seen his friend "Dan" in a year. Hmmm. And yesterday, sweaty "Danielle"/"Dan" is "downstairs" from the home you share and talking to your BF about a "butt show." Women out there...would you EVER use the term "butt show"? No. Gay men out there, would you use that term? Quite possibly. You poor, thick, stupid girl...your boyfriend has been living on the down low, probably before he knew you and definitely for the last year. Run like hell, get yourself tested for every STD under the sun and take some time to learn about the real world instead of this dream one ("I'm inclined to thnk he didn't see her yesterday") you created. Good luck.

    Posted by urkiddinme May 18, 09 04:51 PM
  1. The fiance of that BC Kid that's in jail who was studying to be a medical doctor, bet she wishes the HELL that she looked under the stupid bed and CHECK HIS cell phone - but then again, she may not be here today if she did. When it doubt - check, double check, and verify......Trust your instincts - but verify.

    Posted by Been around May 18, 09 04:55 PM
  1. A "butt show", that's pretty funny stuff. It doesn't take a lot of insight to figure it out,
    it's what he gets when he look's in the mirror. Do yourself a huge favor and leave
    today and don't look back at this butthead.

    Posted by joemac22 May 18, 09 05:10 PM
  1. Was the Butt Show preceded by a Vagina Monologue?

    Posted by BostonJ May 18, 09 05:15 PM
  1. He's cheating on you. I promise

    Posted by AmericanPerson May 18, 09 05:29 PM
  1. If it walks like a duck, talks like a duck, etc, etc.. He's having an affair with a guy. Hello! "Butt show"????

    Only guys ask if they are too "sweaty." Women would say they are concerned they don't look their best, they mention a location such as "i've just been to the gym" or something to that effect to explain appearance.

    He is emotionally supportive and fun? He is romantic? You have meaningful discussions? And, he's indiscreet with suggestive text messages? Really. He sounds like my gay friends. You are his beard, especially if you get married. Time to shave.

    Posted by yupokay May 18, 09 06:07 PM
  1. Hon, sorry to tell you this but Dan is not Danielle. Dan is Dan. As in a man. And "Butt show" is short for "butt shower". Google the definition. So sorry for you but better to find out now, before you are married......

    Posted by toomuchinfo May 18, 09 06:32 PM
  1. What a s*** show.

    I'm so sorry you have to deal with this, but he is no good.
    The sooner you get out, the sooner you can get on with all that is ahead for you. And it'll come. Good stuff-this is crap.

    He is weak and he is a liar. Don't bother.

    Hang tough.

    Posted by pb May 18, 09 06:35 PM
  1. " I am inclined to believe that he didn’t actually meet up with his ex",---and WHY are you inclined to believe this???? Every shred of evidence says otherwise. Dear, you need to put your thinking cap on. You're verging on pathetic, I'm sorry to say. I dont mean to hurt your feelings, but your boyfriend just got lucky in your bed, you catch the correspondence right down to "i'm downstairs" and you're obtuse enough to be talked out of what common sense tells you was clearly a booty call? Come on. You need to get some pride, some backbone and some self respect. IF nothing else, imagine what you can catch from a boyfriend that screwing around behind your back. And if he can't stay faithful NOW, you are in for A LONG life of being cheated and screwed over. I'm sorry, but you DO NOT KNOW this man at all. You imagine what you want him to be. Wake up. Smell the coffee. See him for who he is. RUN< dont walk away from this one. How foolish to move in with this person. Let a wize women tell you, never move in with a boyfriend. Always keep your own place after this. What a mess this will be, but you NEED to extract yourself from this person in your life.

    Posted by A wize women May 18, 09 06:54 PM
  1. "If it was so good then why did you snoop?"...it was good for her. Not him, and she sensed that. If he broke up with her he would be doing her the biggest favor of her life. In fact, if this is you, sleezebag, and you recognize the scenario from your own life BREAK UP WITH HER> Do her a favor. She is pathetic. Be a man ,and let her go. I know it's great to have such a stupid girl as your girlfriend, best of both worlds, diddle on teh side, have the nice friendship with a girl that's ok, but not hot to you, but you're being a dirt bag. Let her go. break up with her and dont let her cone back. Do something dignified for once in your life. spare this women more pain, break up with her!!!!

    Posted by just sayn May 18, 09 07:00 PM
  1. "If it was so good then why did you snoop?"...it was good for her. Not him, and she sensed that. If he broke up with her he would be doing her the biggest favor of her life. In fact, if this is you, sleezebag, and you recognize the scenario from your own life BREAK UP WITH HER> Do her a favor. She is pathetic. Be a man ,and let her go. I know it's great to have such a stupid girl as your girlfriend, best of both worlds, diddle on the side, have the nice friendship with a girl that's ok, but not hot to you, and believes any ridiculous thing you say, but you're being a serious dirt bag. You're practically kicking a puppy. Let her go. break up with her and dont let her cone back. Do something dignified for once in your life. spare this women more pain, break up with her!!!!

    Posted by just sayn May 18, 09 07:02 PM
  1. Maybe Dan is one of those transtesticles or whatever they call those things nowadays...

    Posted by aj May 18, 09 07:21 PM
  1. He's cheating on you in your apartment. Period. Move out.

    Posted by Beenthere,donethat May 18, 09 07:31 PM
  1. OK, I hear all you posters who correctly say that her snooping was wrong. It is. But it's awful to be in a relationship where you feel so uneasy and suspicious that you can't resist snooping. LW, you are better than that and deserve to find someone that makes you so comfortable and secure that snooping doesn't even cross your mind.

    What to do now? Leave immediately. Sure he's a cheater and a liar and can't be trusted ever again. That should be enough, but you're in love and in denial. I hope that the horrible health risks that you are consistently exposed to throws you into a sufficient panic that makes you flee. Move out fast, get tested for HIV and every other STD, and then move on.

    Posted by Jetta May 18, 09 07:32 PM
  1. My goodness but the homophobia in this thread is astounding! Sorry people, but Gay doesn't automatically mean HIV positive and "butt show" hardly implies man-to-man anal sex. Clearly Dan and Danielle are the same person, grow up people.
    Of course everything else about Let Down's situation does point to infidelity on the part of the BF. Sorry my dear, but its time to get out of that relationship, good luck with the next one.

    Posted by Ms. Troy May 18, 09 07:53 PM
  1. He admitted it so easily to cover for the fact Dan is a man. He is cheating with a guy, no question.

    Also, at least two women here have said they get texts from married guys and of course they do not respond. right. If you do not respond how do they have your cell number?

    Posted by Gk May 18, 09 08:41 PM
  1. The same thing happened to me, except I kept taking the guy back - for four years. All that ended up happening was I was humiliated in the end and my self esteem was shot. Even better, I had to see many of the girls he cheated on me with because we ran in the same circles.

    Hire that show "Cheaters" to humiliate him on national TV.

    Then run. Run far far away. Don't look back.

    Posted by Marina May 18, 09 09:40 PM
  1. I apologize for being harsh here, but you're incredibly naive if you think that she was not in your home and likely in your bed yesterday. With your man. He's definitely cheating, and you should leave immediately. Even in the unlikely scenario that he is NOT cheating, he's a liar, and do you really want to marry a liar? You're better than that. Or at least you should be. Hold your head high, tell him he ruined a good thing by being purposely deceitful, and move out.

    Posted by Liz May 18, 09 09:52 PM
  1. Not saying what he did or may have done is right.

    But how can anyone condone someone snooping in their phone or email?€

    That's an invasion of privacy and should not be tolerated. I don;t care what some chick's gut is telling her. If I find out anyone snooped through my phone, email, somehow got the password to my Facebook or whatever the case maybe, her ass is out the door in a New York minute. IMO, she is just as much untrustworthy as she is. And let it get out that she is good for doing something like this and see if any guy is gonna want any piece of that cause I sure as hell wouldn't.

    Posted by TD May 18, 09 10:09 PM
  1. Wow. A lot happening here.
    (1) Pardon me while I climb on the "he's gay" bandwagon. That the exchange is just so matter of fact, combined with the whole "butt show" thing... just seems like two gay men texting more than any other possible combination.
    (2) Even if he is gay, that's no excuse. Cheating is not cool no matter what the motivation.
    (3) If this relationship is as amazing as you say, and if he is willing to own up to what he has obviously done (cheat), AND if you think he's worth it, perhaps you should consider opening up your relationship. In my own life, I am 100% for monogamy, but (as noted in these responses) some people occasionally require something beyond the confines of a committed relationship. Maybe he's one of those people. Maybe giving him permission to sometimes have sex with other people -- in a non-secretive way -- will remove this cloud of deceit, lies, self loathing and snooping from your relationship, while allowing you to stay with a great man.
    (4) That said, maybe this relationship isn't as great as you think. I have been on both sides of this -- once I was the one who thought it was amazing, once I was the one who thought it was decidedly not amazing. Even with communication, it happens.
    (5) If you want to stay with this guy under any circumstances, you need to have a real, honest conversation with your boyfriend. He needs to tell you the truth. You'll be able to tell it's the truth because it will probably be at least semi-horrifying. Then you have to decide what you're willing to live with, and he has to decide what he's able to change. If there is overlap, it might be worth sticking around.
    (6) Fact is, probably the best advice is to dump him like everyone else has said.

    Posted by Beth May 18, 09 10:13 PM
  1. you needz to getz tezted for ztdz.

    Posted by heywood May 18, 09 10:32 PM
  1. Myabe he lied all the way back a year ago about it being "Danielle" when it was really Dan. I would find the premedited aspect of that kind of lie really disturbing.

    Or maybe "Dan" is actually his pet name for Danielle, who is actually a woman.

    As to the "sweaty" part, there are women who would say "I am sweaty."--not a lot, but some.

    But, whether D. is a guy or a woman, resat assured that next to no one has the gall to texts "would like a butt show" to someone who hasn't already provided a butt show or several on other occasions.

    I would ask him straigh up what he meant by "a butt show." and see what he says.

    I also suspect that in the end you will be happier elsewhere.

    Posted by steve May 18, 09 10:58 PM
  1. If Dan is a guy, your soon-to-be ex boyfriend could have felt as i f he wasn't cheating on you because "Dan" is a guy, not a woman, putting him in another category--particularly if BF is not out with his homosexuality or bisexuality (assuming he is gay or bi) and has compartmentalized it.

    I don't think you want to navigate these choppy waters though and it sounds like it would be a good idea to get out of the relationship now.

    Posted by steve May 18, 09 11:02 PM
  1. One more thing:

    Clearly I have too much time on my hands, but I tried getting both an iPhone and a regular phone set to "word" to turn "but a shower would be nice" into "butt show" and couldn't get anything at all like that.

    Posted by Beth May 18, 09 11:20 PM
  1. I 2second the advice to look up the second meaning of "butt shower" on urbandictionary.com

    i won't copy it here because Meredeth will just have to Bowlderize it on me.

    Also, I second my earlier advice to ask him what the letters "butt show" mean.

    Posted by steve May 18, 09 11:22 PM
  1. Is it me (a single male) or do all the guys ranting about snooping sound like misogynistic psychopaths?

    Posted by HK Phooey May 19, 09 12:14 AM
  1. He's better off without you, who went through his text messages twice (at least). Shame on both of you.

    Posted by Snoopless May 19, 09 12:38 AM
  1. Dan was texting him while driving the green line??? Now we know the whole story!!!

    Posted by Grabauskas and Pesaturo should be fired May 19, 09 09:07 AM
  1. #131- All these women are blasting this guy like he is the worst guy in the world....Please.....This girl is probably a prune in bed. This guy probably misses some good sex he used to have with his former GF.
    When a guy cheats on you, first thing you should do is look yourself in the mirror.
    Honey, you're lacking something. Trust me.
    Why doesn't he ask you for a "butt show"?
    Because he knows you can't deliver the goods. You know what I mean....Ah ah

    ALL I HAVE TO SAY THIS IS- if he doesn't like her in bed, and appears to be unattractive as you insinuate, then why is he still with her? ANSWER- even if the above was true, it shouldnt matter. her bf is a lying sack of loser. he wants all of the cake and he wants to eat it too. i am not sure if he is gay, or if he is really butt showing it with danielle. either way, you had no idea up until now. leave him. and my big overall point is IT IS NOT YOU. IT IS HIM. just learn from this mistake. dont forget to trust... and like another reader said. hopefully you are done packing, or you already out of there. dont look back. i am curious to see if you confronted him- or how the conversation went, only bc i can see him saying a phrase like " but i dont consider butt shows cheating"... yeah ive heard lines similar to that. any form of sex is sex. its allllll cheating.

    Posted by sarah May 19, 09 10:47 AM
  1. He's cheating on you, whether it's with a guy or girl. Trust me, I've been there. Leave him, dump him, whatever. Do not believe what he says; when people are caught cheating they will say anything. In a trusting relationship he wouldn't need to hide anything from you. Your instincts were correct- follow them.

    To all the guys who are crying about invasive of privacy, p*ss off. It's better to know than to be an idiot in the dark. Guys are just supposed to be able to cheat without consequence and the women are supposed to just stay in the dark until they discover something sitting out in the open? Please. We're not all idiots.

    Posted by Hana May 19, 09 11:09 AM
  1. Sorry sweetie, but get out and FAST. He's cheating.

    I found some very incriminating texts between my ex-husband and a girl named "Sarah" about a year and a half ago (I've been separated and eventually divorced for... a year and a half. Do the math.). Yes, like you, I snooped in his phone... but I strongly believe that if you have this instinct and know the person as well as you are saying you know your bf, your instinct is probably right. You'll get a lot of angry replies saying this is wrong (mostly from men who I'm guessing have cheated and been busted via email, text, etc), but whatever. Save yourself from even more hurt from this guy if you can, he's not giving you the info that you know you are looking for him to tell you. He's just not going to tell you until he's caught. When I confronted said ex-husband about who "Sarah" was... he confessed that it was actually the middle name of the woman I suspected he was cheating with, and that was his attempt at "hiding" her since I knew what her first name was and had already expressed concern to him about their friendship/relationship. It sounds awfully similar to your situation, doesn't it? Believe me, I was heartbroken and it took a lot of counseling to get over it, but you will be better off and SO much happier to not be miserable and wondering if he's lying to you for the rest of your life. Please don't marry him.

    Posted by thinks he's cheating May 19, 09 12:09 PM
  1. He is using a tactic to decieve you. By admitting to a smaller offence (the texts) but denying a larger one (actually meeting up with her) he is hoping that you will trust him because of his "honesty" in admitting to the texts. When in reality all he is doing is sacraficing the battle to win the war. Dump him, he is manipulative and you cannot trust him. The chances that you would be able to continue a healthy relationship with him are slim to none.

    Posted by carmensandiego May 20, 09 10:27 AM
  1. He's cheating. And I think he's cheating with his friend Dan, not the imaginary Danielle. You're rationalizing, honey - I mean, come on, that text was clear. Do you want me to come over? No, I don't have time right now, but I wish I did. That's not a flirtatious conversation, it's the quick discussion of an assignation between two people who see each other frequently. You really, really read that and convinced yourself that there wasn't actual contact between them? You're being your own worst enemy here. Trust your instincts, which are telling you he's a dog.

    Pack now. Sorry, honey.

    Posted by MelissaJane May 21, 09 04:35 PM
  1. I think Butt Show is a cigarette break. Why not? He's still cheating, though. He's the one with the butt that needs kicking. Out.

    Posted by nora May 25, 09 04:54 PM
  1. i agree!!! 2 words.... GET OUT!
    it will not stop, when "dan" leaves, who else will take her spot. It's hard yes, but do it now while you are young! Dont rely on anyone but yourself!
    good luck!
    I know... I've been there! always trying to help out

    Posted by Nick P July 12, 09 01:39 PM
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Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.

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