Is he a cheat? Should this reader bail? You decide.
Q: I am in a happy, loving relationship with my boyfriend. We have lived together for almost 2 years, and I can honestly say that he is my best friend. We have meaningful discussions, we talk about the future, he is emotionally supportive, we have SO much fun together, and there is no lack of chemistry. Our relationship was initially a long distance one, until I moved from Boston to NYC to be with him. Recently, our relationship has been especially good, and we have been discussing marriage.
About a year ago, I saw a text from an unknown telephone number late at night, and it said “do you still want to see me?” I asked him about it, and he told me that it was from an ex-girlfriend “Danielle." He told me that the text was unprovoked, out of the blue, and that he responded telling her that he has a serious girlfriend, and to please stop texting/calling.
Cut to yesterday. After an intimate, romantic morning in bed, we got up to get in the shower. He went in first, and while he was in there I had an urge to look at his phone. This is not a common occurrence, and I'm still not sure why I did it. I saw a text message conversation between him and his friend “Dan”…and it appeared that Dan had come to our apartment the day before. This seemed unusual because he hasn’t seen Dan in a year, and this is the sort of thing that boyfriend would share. When I looked at the rest of the conversation, I became concerned. The conversation went something like this:
“Dan”: Are you sure you want me to come over, I’m all sweaty.
BF: I have a lot of stuff to do and I have to leave at 3, but a butt show would be nice
“Dan”: I have to baby-sit anyway at 2
“Dan”: I’m here
When I asked boyfriend about it, he reluctantly said that it was not his friend Dan at all, but his ex Danielle. He said that he hid her number in his friend Dan’s contact because I knew Danielle’s name. He vehemently denies actually seeing her since we’ve started dating, and swears that all that happens is an occasional exchange of flirty/sexy text messages or phone calls.
I feel betrayed. Boyfriend told me that he had “fixed” the problem initially, but it turned out that all he did was try harder to hide things from me. I am inclined to believe that he didn’t actually meet up with his ex, but even so…his deceit hurt too much. I’m disgusted and I feel that he has chosen these sexy conversations with his ex over me. He is very apologetic and he is trying hard to convince me that he'll change and that we are worth it... but I am not sure how he can fix things this time. I am considering moving out and leaving him.
Our relationship seemed special, and I am so surprised that he would behave in this way...this is not at all his nature. Or so I thought.
Any advice you can provide would be helpful :-/
-- Let down in NYC
A: LDINYC, I had to read the “butt show” line a few times. Butt show? Really?
You have every right to feel betrayed. You have been betrayed -- by a selfish idiot.
The fact that your boyfriend discussed specific times to meet up with “Dan” -- specific locations, and a specific butt show leads me to believe that he has, in fact, seen her in person. Even if he hasn’t, he has proven that he can’t be trusted.
I’m not sure what he can do to make this better. It would take a serious leap of faith on your part to keep things going.
Is he really your best friend? Is the good stuff really that good? Has he explained what caused him to seek attention outside of the relationship?
You know what you’re capable of forgiving and what kind of partnership you want. Your boyfriend sought out a butt show. Even if he never saw “Dan” in person, he entertained the thought and did so behind your back.
Sure, maybe he’ll stop texting her, but do you want to be in a relationship with a guy who’s capable of so many lies?
Sounds like you’re young. Sounds like you’re not married. Sounds like it might be time to see if there’s someone out there who wants no other butt but yours.
Readers? Thoughts? Am I being too tough on this person’s boyfriend? Share here.
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Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.