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She's always right

Posted by Meredith Goldstein  May 21, 2009 11:34 PM

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Wrong, wrong, wrong. Help.

Q: Does anyone have any experience with a partner who seemingly is always right and consistently says "no" as the very first word in the initial response to something you said or discussed? My girlfriend seems to think no matter what I may say or have an opinion about that it is wrong. We are new to this relationship and everything has been going very well so far, but this is a constant quirk that baffles me to no end. We have had several major arguments out of the blue over the stupidest trivial subjects recently. Most times, if she starts a conversation and gives opinions and the like, I don't bother with a response in lieu of a potentially stupid argument. I really like her and see this as potentially long term. Having been out of a long term relationship for a very long time, I am not sure on how to read this one....

-- Baffled, Westford

A: Baffled, why are you being so stupid about this?

Kidding, kidding. You’re not wrong.

Some people are more defensive than others. Some people like to fight. The dating process is all about figuring out whether a person’s quirks are manageable. It’s also about calling people out when their habits stand in the way of your sanity.

You shouldn’t have to avoid speaking your mind to steer clear of a conflict. I think it’s time to have a calm chat with her about how you feel. She might fly off the handle (that would be her way, right?), but perhaps she’s heard this complaint before and might be willing to pay more attention to the confrontational behavior.

If not, well … perhaps when you say there’s long-term potential here, you are, in fact, wrong.

Readers? Ever dated someone who’s never wrong? Can Baffled stop the fights? Share thoughts here. Do the whole Twitter thing here. Submit a letter to the right.

-- Meredith

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120 comments so far...
  1. Ahh! My ex was just like this.

    I found the ONLY way to get through to him would be to cease all communication when he was being irriational and respond with a simple, "You are right." No more, no less. It appeased him for the first few times and after that he grew annoyed and finally, FINALLY, he was waiting to hear what I had to say. It didn't take long for him to realize I didn't have the energy to have a one-sided conversation, and he tried a little harder to stop talking and start listening more.

    Posted by Laxy May 22, 09 09:33 AM
  1. Baffled ... she is anxious and insecure. This is not insurmountable, but you need to talk to her about this ASAP before it ruins your relationship or before you get into a really negative/abusive pattern of her always beating you down (figuratively) or where you just don't talk because you are afraid of what she might say. If the two of you are able to communicate about this, then it will be an important step toward building a lasting relationship. If she is defensive and can't see your point of view on this, then this might not have the legs you think it does. Over time, this will wear you out and the danger is that you will begin to feel like this is "normal."

    Posted by move on May 22, 09 09:45 AM
  1. Dude, lace up your running shoes and get on your mark. It's a myth that you can change people after a certain age so don't bother with the "Hunny, let's agree to disagree" BS. She will always think you are wrong and pretty soon will start listening even less to what you have to say. So unless you like that sort of thing get on a bus gus.

    Posted by MaLock May 22, 09 09:46 AM
  1. If you are having these "issues" this early, then why would you expect things to get better as time goes on? I think Meredith is right. If she blows up at you for pointing out this habit and how you find it off putting, then it is time to bow out gracefully and not waste anymore of each other's time.

    Posted by Lain the Blunt May 22, 09 09:47 AM
  1. One of the biggest things that makes my skin crawl is the "i told you so...." or getting the "NO" answers when what i said was not even heard. This is something that should be talked about. You will not be able to keep this relationship going if you are always worried what will spark another fight or the big N-O answer.

    One thing i would think about or try to get information on is her family background. Maybe this is something that started when she was younger and she no always responds "no" because of something she learned at birth. Or from another relationship. Could roles be changed for her now.... was her last boytoy i mean boyfriend always telling her "NO" and now she is doing it to you and doesn't know it? A learned Behavior is what they call it in my line of work....

    Best of luck!

    Posted by online May 22, 09 09:49 AM
  1. Is she smarter, more worldly, reads more, or better educated than you? Because if so, maybe she IS always right. :-)

    Posted by Shecky May 22, 09 09:49 AM
  1. I'm very interested in seeing people's advice on this. I am in a similar situation. Every conversation, my spouse quickly tells me that he's right and then gives me a lecture about the benefits of transportation via bicycle. Please help. Three day weekend coming up. Weather's nice. I beg of you, help!

    Posted by Mrs. Anonymico May 22, 09 09:50 AM
  1. Run, Forrest, RUUUUN!

    Posted by K May 22, 09 09:55 AM
  1. If a man stands alone in the forest, and no woman is there to hear him speak, is he still wrong?


    You're describing every woman ever born, Baffled. Stay single, stay happy.

    Posted by Schlippo May 22, 09 09:55 AM
  1. Honestly, though... Aren't most people like this?

    Posted by M. MacPherson May 22, 09 09:55 AM
  1. I know someone like that - she seems to expect "lemming-like" agreement with everything she says and that is so not me. I can't even imagine thinking that no one would ever have a difference of opinion than mine - having differing thoughts and views on things is necessary, not just in relationships but in everything. What a world this would be if everyone thought the same!
    If I were you, I would think long and hard about the long-term with her - she sounds the type who would stifle any original ideas you have and that is WRONG. Good luck to you.

    Posted by just me May 22, 09 09:56 AM
  1. I'm pretty passive in relationships, in that I don't like trivial arguments, they raise the stress level and "making up" over silly thing sfills me with resentment.

    I too often keep my mouth shut and avoid conversing with my wife, rather than expose our differences of opinion. I can't stand somebody who always has to be right, whose mind is not open to me.

    Talking is over rated if it is just to hear yourself speak. Take therapy to a therapist, a relationship should start with mutual respect. If she won't respect you and your opinion and starts off every response with "no, you're wrong" and picks constant fights with you, yuo're going to be miserable. She is disrespecting you.

    You're doing the right thing by not feeding it. By holding your tongue you let her say whatever she has to, but you're not taking the bait.

    Posted by S May 22, 09 09:57 AM
  1. Break up with her. She sucks. The problem is she really is a complete idiot, like most women who are reading this and plan on responding to you. And those women are going to sit here and talk about how she probably is right and you're just a big jerk because you are a man and man plagues this society with his evil ways. The truth is buddy, you're probably right 97% of the time. Men always are. The only thing women are ever right about is when the cupcakes are done or when the bathroom needs to be cleaned. Otherwise? They have no clue, about anything. Stick with your guns. When she says you're wrong, or no, tell her just how dumb she really is. Or make fun of whatever college degree she has and how it shouldn't even count as a major. What you need to do, is take her down a notch. Because she sounds too mouthy for her own good. She is going to become more selfish, more evil, and more controlling, sooner than you expect. Sounds like an only child also.

    But I gotta say, you sound pretty pathetic yourself for even dealing with this. It seems long term when you're already having this problems up front? Do you like to be bossed around and told when you are wrong? Do you swallow your pride that often? I think you also need to start watching more Spike TV, eating at Hooters, and reading Maxim. THEN start attacking her self esteem.

    Posted by DMONEY May 22, 09 10:00 AM
  1. I believe this has to do with brain chemistry. There is a special on PBS that cycles in and out called "Change your Brain, Change your Life" and it talks about people with a certain kind of brain chemistry where their first reaction is always NO. There is also a book out by the same name, but the PBS special is a little more user-friendly. My mother has exactly this same quirk, and I used things I learned from both the program and the book to communicate with her better. You might want to check out either the book or the PBS program...your library should have one or the other.

    Posted by merilisa May 22, 09 10:03 AM
  1. My advice:

    Follow Relationship Man Law Commandment #1: Choose your battles. Let her be "right" on the trivial subjects (i.e. she thinks you need to take the caps off of bottles and jars prior to recycling them, she thinks the correct phrase is 'I couldn't care less' and not "I couldn't care less" phraseology, she thinks tap water will kill you, she thinks your going commando when running must mean you are grandstanding and could not possibly be for the sake of comfort, etc., etc.). Stand up for yourself on the 10% of the topics that are truly relevant and meaningful.

    Prior to having kids, please be advised of Relationship Man Law Commandment #2: Stay up late and get up early. It's the only way of ensuring yourself of your required downtime each and every day. You simply cannot try to hold out for the occasional golf outing, guys night out, drinks after work, etc. You have to carve out time every day. Even if it's at the expense of sleep.

    p.s. Bob Dwyer, please proceed directly to BoMom's blog. You are too bitter for this one.

    - Hoss

    Posted by Hoss May 22, 09 10:03 AM
  1. You are "new to this relationship" and you really like her. Now you know more, and what you are experiencing you don't like --> enough to write a letter asking advice of strangers at this very early stage. There are already comments on here from married people who have this happening and are unhappy. Hello? Time to end it so it just stings instead of burns later on. Sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn't. Trying to force something that doesn't fit will never feel good. And fights this big so early on? Well, that's just sign posts for what lies ahead on this journey. Why volunteer for it?

    Posted by yupokay May 22, 09 10:05 AM
  1. I don't think everyone who has developed some bad habits of communication should be automatically dumped unless you ask them to work on the bad behavior and they don't want to do that. BUT, as someone who has put up with a lot of this kind of thing in the past and finally learned my lesson I would strongly suggest having a calm, serious talk that starts with "I really care about you, but when you do this it makes me feel like (fill in the blanks)." If her answer is that it is all your problem it is time to move on, but if she cares about the effect she is having on you and is willing to work with you then she might be a keeper after all. Good luck!

    Posted by older and a little wiser May 22, 09 10:06 AM
  1. Sadly - I have a tendency to be this way. Maybe from my role growing up as a big sister. I am thankful that my husband has pointed this out to me and I try hard to listen more and hear him out before putting in my two cents. He has so many good ideas and opinions so why do I want to squash them? Very hard habit to break. ....So - Baffled, discuss this with your girlfriend. I would suggest pointing it out gently when she is in the process of being "all knowing" and ask her to hear your side of things before forming her opinion. I hope she cares enough to make an extra effort!

    Posted by Shopper 0303 May 22, 09 10:11 AM
  1. You are limited in how much you can expect to change a person. People can alter their behavior a little, and learn to be a little more accommodating. But if it's a person's gut instinct to react a certain way, that instinct is not going to change much. You've got to decide if this a personality quirk you can live with.

    I had a relationship with someone who was similar. She was always right, and it was very difficult to get her to see a different point of view during a discussion. The more we discussed, the more frustrated and defensive we'd both get. What I learned was that if I just say what I wanted to say, and then let her think about, she'd usually come around on her own.

    Posted by two sheds May 22, 09 10:13 AM
  1. I'll chime in as someone who is dating someone who always seems to be right. I've been with my boyfriend for a little over two years now and we bicker about the stupidest things - are salty or sweet snacks better? aisle or window seat? how is Lost going to end? It can be frustrating when he is convinced he's right about things that HAVE no right or wrong answer (M&Ms vs. chips. Seriously) BUT it's also just kind of a game to us. If it's only the trivial things she always needs to be right about, I don't think that it's a deal breaker. But if she won't listen and respect your opinion on the major issues (and I guess what constitutes as "major" is up to you) then I think that's where the problem arises. If every in every subject, from food, to politics, to your relationship, she considers you wrong...I think at that point it's time to get out. You need to be able to talk to someone to be in a relationship with them, and that won't work if everything you say is "wrong".

    Posted by chole May 22, 09 10:15 AM
  1. "We are new to this relationship and everything has been going very well so far"

    Doesn't sound like it. Move on...life is too short to be spent on arguing about petty stuff.

    Posted by bostonguy May 22, 09 10:17 AM
  1. Rico is getting a good laugh at the response from Mrs Anonymico...he is also smiling broadly as he readies himself for a good response:

    Rico thinks simply this: Rico is not perfect, he makes mistakes and his wife lets him know it, she makes them too and she admits it as well. The truth is that we are all mistake prone, some more than others. Rico has ONE concern and that concern is COMMUNICATION. So here is Rico's advice to you. Rico thinks that if you truly see this to become a long term relationship then you will need to sit down with this girl and explain to her your feelings for her and what your concern is. If her response is to say NO and tell you what is right and how wrong you are etc...then do as MaLock said and put on the running shoes, lace em' up and get out of there. How long have you been dating this person?

    Rico knows of people just like this: Some will admit there is a problem and face it head on whether through therapy or medication, others will deny it and make life a living hell for you. You need to figure out which of these types she is and fast. Rico assumes that since you haven't had a long term relationship in a while you might be just wishful thinkng in that this could be the one. Rico knows for a fact there are MANY fish in the sea so don't lose hope on finding the right one for you.

    Rico suggests if this doesn't work out that you get out and join a club, learn to sail, tennis lessons, bike, run, head to the cape, Newport, go to charity events, etc...you will meet others just like yourself and expand your own horizons at the same time. Please write in with more info as to how long you have dated this girl and your approximate age. Rico thinks that maybe you are worried that your clock is ticking and you are willing to settle for something that isn't what it seems. Rico is here all day to help so don't hesitate to ask him anything.

    Rico would like to take a moment to say have a great long weekend and be safe. Watch out for joggers and bikers and have a good time.

    Love always,


    Take the 2 mile challenge...www.2milechallenge.com and make a difference.

    Gears not Gas, enjoy the weekend :)

    Posted by Rico May 22, 09 10:17 AM
  1. I got nauseous after reading these first 26 words:

    "My girlfriend seems to think no matter what I may say or have an opinion about that it is wrong. We are new to this relationship"

    I didn't read any more. I'm not reading any other comments.

    If you were married or had been in the midst of a long-term relationship, then I could relate and tell you what to do work through it and minimize it. However, if early on in the relationship, she thinks this little of you and has that little respect for your opinion and your freewill, then for sake of everyone in the world and everyone who will be born from this point on, end the relationship. NOW. You can do much better than her. She is a troll. It will get worse. Guaranteed.

    Posted by D-Chills when reading this May 22, 09 10:18 AM
  1. My boyfriend and I continue to work on this together. For whatever reason, we're so comfortable with each other, and also slightly competitive, that sometimes our first instinct is to argue the other's viewpoint. Bottom line: it's important to stress to her that communicating with the intent to understand, and not necessarily respond, is really important to you. Sometimes we just want to be heard and not be lectured to.
    I think this is worth bringing up. Ask her if she is aware of how often she denies/refutes your opinion or point of you. Learn to agree to disagree. It's not always easy but it's certainly possible.
    Good luck!

    Posted by thedemocraddict May 22, 09 10:22 AM
  1. Some people are like puppies and certain pets - they need guidance and training. But don't we all.... Look her directly in the eyes and calmly state in a monotone calm voice - "Why do you always feel it's necessary to dominate and control the conversation" or "Please consider my thoughts\words" Repeat this phrase each and every time this scene arises - and you know it will. No arguing!! No deflecting the situation!!! Stay focused and repeat, repeat, repeat....My hunch is she will eventually catch your drift. If, after a predetermined time that you establish, you try this method of getting through to her and you don’t feel comfortable with your results - punt

    Posted by TwoCents May 22, 09 10:23 AM
  1. Dude...dodge the bullet...run.

    Posted by Ahhhhhh! May 22, 09 10:23 AM
  1. So it begins... This chic already seems like a bear. Imagine what she’ll be like after a couple years when she's telling you what color to paint the deck… how fast can you run?? Because its time to run!

    Haha- Nice Hoss.

    Posted by yep May 22, 09 10:25 AM
  1. Does she have red hair? sounds like a few people I know

    Posted by moved on May 22, 09 10:25 AM
  1. Are you cereal? First women’s suffrage and now this, where does it end? From the way you describe it this chick sounds like the definition of stuck up b!!ch. You are an idiot for putting up with that crap. Where are your nuts? Oh I know, in her jewelry box, neatly tucked behind the David Yurman necklace you bought her for your two and a half week anniversary.

    Check it ese: this isn’t a “quirk” of hers that you will eventually grow to love and adore. This is some deep-rooted stuff that comes from years of walking over babies like yourself. You need to squash this ASAP before it gets out of hand. The next time she starts up with some crap about how “The View” should be on for 5 hours a day instead of 4 or why Oprah should run for president in 2012 don’t even bother with a rebuttal since she won’t listen to you anyway; just tell her she looks fat today or that in this light you can see her crows feet. Boom, roasted. If you do that enough you will slowly chip away at her inflated sense of self worth and eventually she will STFU. Then you can sit back, relax, drink High Life and watch ESPN Classic bowling while she mows the lawn. Mazal tov, you just reclaimed your lost manhood!

    Posted by NinjaPlease May 22, 09 10:27 AM
  1. I call forum troll on DMONEY! Perhaps as you think women are dumb, evil or whatever (yeah blah, blah, blah) you should put an ad into Craigslist in the MLFM section and then you might get someone who is "worthy" of you. Not to mention this will take you out of the gene pool (double bonus score!)

    Posted by Anonymous May 22, 09 10:28 AM
  1. Are you cereal? First women’s suffrage and now this, where does it end? From the way you describe it this chick sounds like the definition of stuck up b!!ch. You are an idiot for putting up with that crap. Where are your nuts? Oh I know, in her jewelry box, neatly tucked behind the David Yurman necklace you bought her for your two and a half week anniversary.

    Check it ese: this isn’t a “quirk” of hers that you will eventually grow to love and adore. This is some deep-rooted stuff that comes from years of walking over babies like yourself. You need to squash this ASAP before it gets out of hand. The next time she starts up with some crap about how “The View” should be on for 5 hours a day instead of 4 or why Oprah should run for president in 2012 don’t even bother with a rebuttal since she won’t listen to you anyway; just tell her she looks fat today or that in this light you can see her crows feet. Boom, roasted. If you do that enough you will slowly chip away at her inflated sense of self worth and eventually she will STFU. Then you can sit back, relax, drink High Life and watch ESPN Classic bowling while she mows the lawn. Mazal tov, you just reclaimed your lost manhood!

    Posted by NinjaPlease May 22, 09 10:28 AM
  1. Get out now. My wife is like that, doesn't matter what I say, she's never going to listen. Even when she's clearly wrong, she'll never admit it and immediately goes on the defensive when confronted. Makes life miserable, get out before you get married and have kids. Seriously.

    Posted by Liam May 22, 09 10:32 AM
  1. I was in a relationship like that for 4 years. At first I just became quieter, I wouldn't bring up my own opinion, etc because it gets under my skin when people fight or argue about trivial things, and when people don't truely listen to the opinions of others, especially when the "other" is their significant other. I value the opinion of my "new" significant other, whether it's the same as mine or not. That's why I'm with him. Everyone has a different perspective on the world, and no one way is right or wrong. So to me, someone not listening to my thoughts, ideas, or opinions is a huge deal breaker. But you need to determine if it is for you. If it is, can she change? Can she accept her actions, and actively work to treat you differently? Is she this way with everyone, or just you? I would recommend sitting down and talking to her, or if she won't even listen to you then, maybe sending an email explaining yourself. She can't interrupt an email!

    Posted by Wendy May 22, 09 10:34 AM
  1. Run do not walk to the nearest exist.

    I'm all for trying to work things out, however I have a sibling who has this kind of temperament. She can keep it in check for a while but inevitable, she goes back to the dark side.

    You can’t choose your family but you can choose everyone else in your life.

    One other thing to consider: if you’re in the beginning of a relationship, this is her best behavior?

    Posted by Objective Observer May 22, 09 10:35 AM
  1. Mrs. Anonymico, is your hubby Rico by any chance? ;)
    As for the letter writer, dude, what the heck are you doing? You are on your way to becoming a kitty-whipped (I doubt the other word will pass the conservative Globe censors) guy. If you are not married to this harridan or thinking of getting married, time to move on and find someone else.

    Posted by TheDude May 22, 09 10:35 AM
  1. I call forum troll on DMONEY! Perhaps as you think women are dumb, evil or whatever (yeah blah, blah, blah) you should put an ad into Craigslist in the MLFM section and then you might get someone who is "worthy" of you. Not to mention this will take you out of the gene pool (double bonus score!)

    Posted by Anonymous May 22, 09 10:35 AM
  1. Dear Baffled-

    Several years ago I was Best Man for one of my closest friend.
    A couple of months prior to the wedding he came to me with a concern very similar to yours. I advised him "If it isn't to your liking now, it will only get worse as time goes on. You can't go into a relationship expecting someone to change."

    Well, since the invitations were already out, hall booked, etc., he caved and went ahead and married her. Years later they have a child together and he is MISERABLE.

    Posted by Tony The Tiger May 22, 09 10:39 AM
  1. Start an argument with "You know, you're very argumentative...".

    Posted by dnb May 22, 09 10:40 AM
  1. Anonymous, what the hell is a "Forum troll"? You are ridiculous and totally defensive for no reason. You are exactly the type of person who makes women look bad, thanks a lot..

    Lastly, you are the reason feminism get the bad rap it does! Get over yourself!

    DMONEY is right on target - this chick needs to be dumped ASAP.

    Posted by a woman May 22, 09 10:41 AM
  1. Quit being a coward, stand up for yourself and put that jerk in her place.

    Posted by nunya May 22, 09 10:41 AM
  1. Only 31 replies in and it's 10:42 AM EST, but I'm already prepared for the following declaration:





    Posted by Hoss May 22, 09 10:42 AM
  1. Ah yes... the splitting hairs syndrome. Not just for actual disagreements, but even when you're basically saying the exact same thing, there's always the need to detract and revise. (No, actually, the sky is Bahamanian* blue...)

    You're up against The Editor. That personality hardly ever ceases, and usually gets more trivial over time. You're warned!

    (* yeah, I know.)

    Posted by DJMcG May 22, 09 10:43 AM
  1. To quote some weirdo
    "I call forum troll on DMONEY! Perhaps as you think women are dumb, evil or whatever (yeah blah, blah, blah) you should put an ad into Craigslist in the MLFM section and then you might get someone who is "worthy" of you. Not to mention this will take you out of the gene pool (double bonus score!)"
    I would first ask: how do you know so much about posting on Craigslist? I hate to tell you, whomever you may be (though I am assuming an ugly, out of shape, older, miserable women living alone with cats) but my genes are amazing. Yours are worn out, and hopefully not shared amongst others. Because you sound like a woman scorned, if you cannot handle that which I have to say (aka, the truth). We all get burned, some of us just learn how to grow new skin. Did you really wish that I would get killed? Are you that pathetic that you cannot handle a little adversity? What the hell is a forum troll? Do you spend your days on mesage boards? Perhaps you just need to get laid. Regardless, grow up, and until you have something useful to say, shut the hell up.

    Posted by DMONEY May 22, 09 10:43 AM
  1. I really don't think I'd waste my time continuing in this relationship. If you can't have a normal conversation or discussion about anything, what's left? Are you willing to go through life with her just being quiet and not voicing your opinion about anything because you're afraid it'll end up in an argument? Would you want to end up married to someone like that? Not a way to live! Back in my dating days, I would have had no time for someone who sounds so mentally exhausting. Who knows, maybe you could talk her out of her behavior, but I'm willing to bet that's just who she is - take it or leave it. Personally, I'd leave it!

    Posted by bumbly-bee May 22, 09 10:44 AM
  1. So, you are willing to walk on eggshells for the rest of your life to avoid setting your girlfriend off like an A Bomb- "I'm right, I'm right ALL the Time no matter what?" Why would you want to subject yourself to being routinely minimized, disrespected and perhaps treated cruelly? Having to be right all the time could be a signal of an over compensation behavior covering up deep seeded insecurities or an inferiority complex.
    In a healthy relationship both partners want to know what the other thinks and why and can share those conversations without a war being started.
    Is the sex so good that you're willing to subject yourself to emotional cruelty to have it?

    Posted by exvermonter May 22, 09 10:46 AM
  1. Run do not walk to the nearest exist.

    I'm all for trying to work things out, however I have a sibling who has this kind of temperament. She can keep it in check for a while but inevitable, she goes back to the dark side.

    You can’t choose your family but you can choose everyone else in your life.

    One other thing to consider: if you’re in the beginning of a relationship, this is her best behavior?

    Posted by Objective Observer May 22, 09 10:47 AM
  1. Here's my advice: Imagine your situation, but the gender roles are reversed-- it's the *man* who is always badgering the woman, telling her that *he* is always right. What would the women on this board say?

    Well, they'd tell that woman he's controlling, he's not going to change, she could do better, and she should drop him and stand on her own two feet like the proud person she is. That's exactly what you should do, too.

    The plain truth is that women *do* have great insight and advice about relationships; they just often have a double-standard that it only applies to women. Disregard that annoying quirk, follow the advice itself, and actually you'll do quite well most of the time.

    Posted by Joey May 22, 09 10:49 AM
  1. 1. Schlippo's comment (#9), "You are describing every women ever born" is dead on. (I don't agree with "Stay single, stay happy", though. To "stay married, stay single", read Hoss' comment (#15).
    2. **Laughs @ DMONEY's comment (#13)**. (I hope the women reading these comments realize that they themselves have, at one time or another, made jokingly sarcastic remarks about men and are not offended.)
    3. Don't pay any attention to merilisa's pschobabel (#14)
    4. Hoss, I love the Man Law Commandements (#15). SO TRUE!!
    Baffled, I am curious to know how old you are or how much experience you have had with women; not necessarily girlfriends but female relatives, coworkers, etc. I don't mean this to sound condescending. I know many men who are in your shoes. Usually they grew up mostly with other boys. You're situation has been going on since the dawn of time.

    Posted by Red Sox Fan May 22, 09 10:50 AM
  1. Baffled,

    Communication is key in any relationship, that being said, sometimes being the passive one will give her license to always be the aggressor, which is not good communication. Like other comments have said, speak to her outside the context of an argument, remember to keep your cool and your voice calm, she will hopefully, naturally mimic this, if she does raise her voice, don't immediately respond, but wait and breath for a moment before you speak again, and when you do keep it calm and collected. Think about what you'll say beforehand, and think about what she might respond with, that way since you know her, you can prepare yourself a bit. If it's worth it, it will all work out, she may not change completely, but at least you can address the situation, so that if she catches herself telling you no, she may think back to this conversation and remember how understanding you were, and from that she may learn a new behavior!
    Good luck, and now I’m going to try and take my own advise and go tell my hunny that I’m not always right, and we all need to be told so sometimes.

    DMONEY, are you joking? I'll assume you're single, and for good reason. You should profess this theory of yours on first dates, and see how many second dates you get!

    Posted by Shouldbworkin May 22, 09 10:56 AM
  1. Time for a little something from “The Wedding Date”: (Nick) “I'd rather fight with you than make love with anyone else.” If you want to live in a chick flick, help yourself. Truth is that this is a learned behavior for your GF. As a child, her family was the debate team. She can’t change…it’s either you or her family. It would be like asking me to not talk with my hands. Her contrariness is simply linguistic foreplay. You can choose to respond harshly and end the “conversation” with a quickie, or you can enjoy the wordsmithing, create a heightened state of intellectual arousal and bring her to the zenith of argumentative curiosity rarely seen between a man and a woman…and then there’s the make-up sex. I am so envious of you. You have a built in personality marital aide...like a talking Rabbit. Try telling her you’re right first. She’ll think she’s with another man and the role playing just takes off from there. Oh…to be young again.

    Posted by valentino May 22, 09 10:58 AM
  1. Yeah, I was married to a guy like that. He made me feel like nothing I said mattered or deserved any consideration. As time went on, it bothered me more and more... it ended in divorce. That wasn't the reason for the divorce, but taking a step away from it made me realize just how crappy it made me feel. Quite honestly I don't know how you could possibly like her as much as you say you do if she is as unreasonable as she sounds. No one is right ALL the time, and regardless, that shouldn't mean that your opinions and feelings don't matter. She sounds selfish and awful and cruel. Not the person I'd want to spend my life dealing with.

    Posted by woman who is sometimes, but not always, wrong May 22, 09 11:00 AM
  1. Ooops. The end of my first point should read, "To 'stay married, stay HAPPY'"... After reading DMONEY's follow up @ #47, I am no longer laughing at his first post. Hoss, this comment board has my vote for BEST EVER. Meredith and Globe IT guys, can you put up a quick survey; maybe in the sidebar?

    Posted by RED Sox Fan May 22, 09 11:05 AM
  1. My boyfriend is (was) just like this. I would get so frustrated!! But I also saw great potential in him and us. So, I decided to turn the tables on him. He would say something and I would just blurt out "NO" and walk away. Or he would email me and I would respond with only the word NO. If we were talking, and he said NO, I would just say "NO? Ok really - just NO?" and we would then have a good conversation about the subject at hand because I refused to be treated like that. It turned into something that we both could laugh at and he hardly does it anymore. At first I saw it as a respect issue - but I think in the end it was just a bad habit. Maybe it is an immature approach, but it worked for me, maybe try it and see how she feels after. Maybe she'll stop too.

    Posted by Tereza May 22, 09 11:07 AM
  1. you should tell her that this is a annoying trait , and if she doesn't see you as an equal you should say bye-bye! She's not a keeper!!

    Posted by nantucketsun May 22, 09 11:11 AM
  1. I'm a woman, and I want to say that this girlfriend sounds like a total b*tch. I wanted to clarify that there is no gender bias here because everyone jumps at the opportunity to point out that commentors seem to take the side of the argument that matches their gender. Maybe they do, maybe some do, who knows, but I am a woman and I can't stand it when anyone, man or woman, would treat a significant other that way. What a controlling, manipulative, brat. Sorry for the bluntness, but I would not put up with this. Especially, ESPECIALLY when you haven't been dating all that long. If it can be corrected, great. If not, it will only get worse. Don't settle. Don't live your life walking on eggshells. Don't do it because you are desperate to be in a long term relationship again.

    Posted by I am woman, and some women are just b*tches!!! May 22, 09 11:19 AM
  1. Welcome to the real world, dude. In my experience, most women are like this. They have this overhwelming need to be RIGHT all the time, even in the face of contradictory evidence. Not sure if it comes from society, daddy, or what, but they typically have low self-esteem and overcompensate for it by ALWAYS having to be right.

    My buddy gave me some advice when I got married: Unless your wife is putting you or your children in imminent danger (e.g., driving off a cliff), let her have her way. Everyhting else is trivial and just not worth it.

    Then again, he just got divorced after 11 years of hell (sigh)...

    Posted by j May 22, 09 11:20 AM
  1. If you really like her bring it to her attention nicely as she might not even realize she does it. Hopefully she'll take a step back and realize what she's doing and stop. If she gets defensive run like hell....she'll never change. The longer you stay in the relationship the harder it is to leave.

    Posted by gig May 22, 09 11:20 AM
  1. Baffled - You two already sound like an old married couple. I instantly thought of both my parents and my in-laws, and well, my marriage, too. There's a really good chance this behavior will not change, but get worse as time goes on. Think hard and long about whether or not you can deal with it for the rest of your life.

    Take a good look at her mother, that's most likely the behavior you will get from her as she gets older.

    Posted by living it May 22, 09 11:22 AM
  1. Ever watch that terrible show "Everybody Loves Raymond"? Picture yourself starring in that every moment of the day, but remove the laugh tracks dubbed in, and insert the explicit language.

    I have to assume that you are the youngest child, the only boy, and you had a father who was either very passive or was never around. I have to assume that she is an only child. That is the only way you would consider this type of behavior normal in a relationship (especially a NEW relationship!!!!!0.

    Posted by JAG May 22, 09 11:23 AM
  1. Baffled, she feels inferior to you. Which is sad. It is clear that you ARE more intelligent. Socially, anyway. If you really like her, the best thing would be to boost her self confidence. Think of things/topics/experiences that she knows more about and ask questions or advice. Compliment her on her expertise. Unless she behaves this way with everyone. If that is the case she is just annoying and you will not be able to make friends as a couple.

    Posted by citykitty617 May 22, 09 11:24 AM
  1. Dude - fast foward 40 years when looks and youth are gone and all that remains is personalitly. Can you live with it? Can you live with her arguements when her smoking hot bod is old and wrinkly? If your answer is "OH GOD NO" then perhaps you should get out now.

    Posted by Yoshimi May 22, 09 11:28 AM
  1. I was 29 going on 30 real fast and met a girl I married...there were issues and I knew what they were but I failed to talk to someone, anyone, or write to Meredith etc...I married her before my 31st birthday and celebrated our honeymoon on my 31st brithday. I wish now that I could have a happier memory of my 31st birthday but that is not going to happen. So here I am on wife #2 and loving every second I have with her. I cherish her and love her like I shoulda nd she loves and cherishes me the same. Sure we all have arguements and disagreements but we work them out without any major issues. That is part of a relationship. Seems to me you might be headed down the same road I took some years ago with wife #1? She was a drinker, smoker, angry person from divorced parents that were bitter and angry. She frequently would show her anger towards me and I put up with it because I thought she was the one (and the sex was great)...I too had been single for some time after a previous long term relationship. She admitted to a drinking problem, admitted to the smoking problem, admitted she needed help yet seeked none of it...I kicked her out, filed divorce papers, went through a headache of a divorce since even her lawyer fired her (YES SAD BUT TRUE) and finally after the divorce I began to date and meet many wonderful/amazing people. Don't rush because the clock says you should, the clock is wrong, you deserve better. I did and I went out and got it. Great sex can be had with others, don't let the wrong head make your decisions for you.

    Posted by Been there and corrected it May 22, 09 11:28 AM
  1. So, you are willing to walk on eggshells for the rest of your life to avoid setting your girlfriend off like an A Bomb- "I'm right, I'm right ALL the Time no matter what?" Why would you want to subject yourself to being routinely minimized, disrespected and perhaps treated cruelly? Having to be right all the time could be a signal of an over compensation behavior covering up deep seeded insecurities or an inferiority complex.
    In a healthy relationship both partners want to know what the other thinks and why and can share those conversations without a war being started.
    Is the sex so good that you're willing to subject yourself to emotional cruelty to have it?

    Posted by exvermonter May 22, 09 11:33 AM
  1. I think it comes down to – what are your deal breakers? Personally, a personality trait that bothers me are people who are hyper-critical. I think that if she’s bothering you and you just started dating, imagine how annoying she’ll be when you are several years into it! I also wouldn’t waste my time in doing anything because you can’t really change people – you should really love them for all their good traits and make sure you can handle all of their annoying traits. I would take a wet towel on the bed over a hyper-critical guy any day – it’s all about what you can live with.

    Posted by Liz May 22, 09 11:40 AM
  1. i used to have an attitude of always being right in high school and college, and when i met my fiance i became more self aware of how I acted. I was an only child, so adjusting to sharing my life with someone else can be an adventure every day.

    But I've realized I'm not always right, and i'm less of a man when i dont' listen to what my loving fiance has to say about something, whether it be a serious decision, or just trying to remember who took the dog out earlier in the week, or when bills were paid.

    you won't solve anything if you don't talk to her about it.

    Posted by mike May 22, 09 11:57 AM
  1. NinjaPlease wins today. I'm a girl, I can't stand other girls who think they're always right and treat people in coversations (esp boyfriends) with little or no respect. Baffled, there are plenty of other girls out there. If this aspect of your relationship is making you miserable, get out. If she's just not aware of it and wants to change once you bring it up, great. If she's unwilling to admit its an issue, think about if you can live with it (or if you want to...)

    Posted by davidhasthecode May 22, 09 12:05 PM
  1. Mike, you say that when you met your fiancee you became more self aware of how you acted and that you've realized that you're not always right. How did you become more self aware? How did you come to that realization? Perhaps that will help Baffled.

    Posted by Red Sox Fan May 22, 09 12:07 PM
  1. You cannot have a relationship without communication. The breakdown is obvious. She got you go shut down so that you won't argue against her position. There must be some conflict between you. You've given her the upper hand because???? Is she really pretty where you are afraid of chasing away what you are attracted to - attraction distraction often leads us to make poor decisions about people? Does she possess 'book' or 'street' smarts where you feel inferior and so your defeatest reaction is perhaps due to intimidation?

    Bottom line: If you cannot commuicate, you cannot relate. Communication is a 2-way street. Is it a virtual dead end for you?

    Without correcting this issue to a mutually satisfactory conclusion you risk:
    1) Going to battle every time you disagree with both small and BIG issues.
    2) Being on the losing side of the argument because you feel powerless - she has the upper hand.
    3) Feeling insignificant in the relationship.

    Posted by marj May 22, 09 12:09 PM
  1. Generally in a new relationship partners are using their 'party manners', e.g. very polite, accomodating, self-sacrificing. It seems to be a red flag that early on the 2 of you are getting into serious arguments over nothing-this does not bode well for a long term commitment. I have generally found that people who constantly have to impose their opinion on others are sophomoric and destined to remain that way because it is their personality. Know-it-alls know it all and therefore fail to mature because they never see a need to change. If this girlfriend is over 25, there is little chance she will change. I have dealt with people like this and they are either very insecure (not enough attention from Daddy) or very spoiled (still Daddy's little girl) either way, it's hard to break the cycle.
    Picture yourself 10-20 years from now with real issues like kids, a mortgage, life savings-do you see this woman working together with you like a partner or bulldozing her opinion on you whether it destroys your family and finances or not.
    That will be your answer.

    Posted by Bambinosmom May 22, 09 12:09 PM
  1. i used to have bizarre battles at the level of six versus half a dozen with a good person who through trauma history felt that all battle were major--the inability to sort the small from the large. We are not together anymore and this was a key reason i bailed. i would proceed with real caution, and strongly weigh what positives you get as this trait is very grating over years. good luck!

    Posted by ciscokid May 22, 09 12:20 PM
  1. Obviously, this chick must be really hawt...why else would a guy tolerate this b.s.?
    But dude, under no circumstances is this a long-term prospect. Enjoy the sex until you can't stand the b.s. anymore, and then move on. (The mere fact that you wrote in to the Globe for advice tells me you are already torn by the prospect of losing such a hottie. It's hard, it's true. But you'll find a much nicer hottie soon enough.)

    Posted by Bob May 22, 09 12:27 PM
  1. I found myself in this exact situation only a couple of weeks ago! I had known the woman I was dating for a long time, but we had only been dating about four weeks when she began behaving as you describe. As many here have suggested, I talked to her about it. She apologized and seemed to genuinely feel bad, but then didn't stop.

    So, I ended it. There's no point in being with someone who can't manage to treat you with respect.

    Posted by Beth May 22, 09 12:30 PM
  1. This will only get worse with time. Get out now, but please, by all means TELL HER that this is why you're breaking up with her. She seems to have a lot of growing up to do, and she needs to understand that this miserable personality trait is going to ruin her relationships. If you don't tell her flat out, she'll get together with her friends and they'll guess at why you dumped her and they will probably get it wrong (he's afraid of commitment, he's a dirtbag who just wanted to date around, she's just too awesome for you to handle, or some BS like that). Then some other guy will be writing in to Meredith about her in a couple of months.

    Seriously, you deserve to be respected in your relationships, and she's not showing any respect for you. Time to go. Good luck.

    Posted by DT May 22, 09 12:35 PM
  1. Yo Hoss...

    Good points. Any chance we could get an entire list of the Man Law Commandments? I'm sure my wife (and thus I) would appreciate me following them. :)

    Posted by Paul Longenderfer May 22, 09 12:37 PM
  1. She sounds like a spoiled brat. She is probably attractive and every guy just placated whatever ignorant nonsense came out of her mouth. They did this in order to get her clothes off and make her special. She probably has a history of men kissing her ass, then dumping her when the annoyance outweighs the sex.

    She sounds ignorany beyond belief. Do yourself a favor and snap at her, tell her to shutup with her ignorance. Women don't like soft men, they want a man who is stern when he needs to be and someone to remind them who is boss.

    Of course, my little comments are gonna piss off lots of women who read this message board. Well, they are probably as self centered and ignorant as this lady you love.

    Posted by Chico May 22, 09 12:40 PM
  1. RUN don't walk to the nearest exit. I just ended a 5 year relationship the started similar to yours and escalated to verbal and emotional abuse. The man I was with was much like your girlfriend ALWAYS right about EVERYTHING and of course he also knew more than everyone especially me. Here is an example... I was born in Europe and am fluent in Spanish and Italian, HE IS NOT, however whenever he heard me speak my mother languages he would tell me that I was speaking incorrectly!!!! Yep, RUN don't walk to the nearest exit and good luck.

    Posted by Free @ Last... Thank God Almighty I'm Free @ Last May 22, 09 12:42 PM
  1. Sometimes I think it is better to be loving than to be right.

    Posted by michael May 22, 09 12:48 PM
  1. Get disposable earplugs at home depot...the little yellow or blue rubbery things that you use and toss away (not just for construction workers). They cost a few dollars and well worth it, then as time goes by and her looks deteriorate there is this thing called a light-switch...Just remember, Beauty is just a light switch away...if all else fails drink yourself to not care or embrace pornography and stay single.

    Posted by Someone who doesn't care May 22, 09 12:50 PM
  1. Depends on how you respond to her when she makes a statement you don't agree with: Do you say, “You know, I really don't see it that way, Honey?” Or do you say, “What are you, crazy? [ stupid? PMS'ing?]" and that sets off a squabble?
    If you really are too diffident because you just don't want to argue or she is just overwhelmingly negative all the time, then I'm with #3. Hop on the bus, Gus; make a new plan, Stan; no need to be coy, Roy; just get yourself free...

    Posted by Kate's Nonna May 22, 09 12:55 PM
  1. Bob has nailed it. This may come across as politically incorrect or sexist to some, but it's a fact of life: only reason a guy would tolerate a girl like that is if she's really hot and the sex is amazing. It works the same for a girl tolerating an arsehole of a boyfriend - because he's hot.

    Posted by TheDude May 22, 09 01:06 PM
  1. Baffled: Are you attracted to this woman in spite of her "always-right" tendencies, or because of them? I ask not to be sarcastic, but rather to look at this in the context of the big picture. In other words, if you are attracted to her because she is strong-willed and confident, then perhaps this issue can be worked out over a period of time, i.e. you may end up accepting a certain amount of this behavior while getting her to agree to tone it down a bit. If on the other hand this is a significant turn-off for you, then it may be more difficult to make things work out (and could also be a harbinger of more not-so-attractive traits to be seen later).

    Posted by Terminater5 May 22, 09 01:21 PM
  1. screw arguing, just log on to wikipedia and end it. thats what i started doing.
    ps. ignore the "citation needed" notes

    Posted by jimbo jones May 22, 09 01:23 PM
  1. On the other hand, maybe the make up sex is good. If that's the case, stay with it.

    Posted by Kay-mak May 22, 09 01:42 PM
  1. Relationships don't get better as time goes on. They get worse / harder. Dump this girl now. By the way, because you had to ask advice about this you are the biggest Sally in the world. Don't you have friends who would smack you for acting like a #$%&@!

    Posted by Beantown13 May 22, 09 01:43 PM
  1. Sorry, but there are just as many men who pull this BS as women. I've seen it firsthand. No one should put up with it. Then again, if you won't argue your side, who will?

    Ninjaplease- Women's sufferage was the movement which gave women the right to vote. Women were beaten and jailed simply for requesting the right to vote for those who make the laws they had to live their lives by. If you're saying that was on par with the LW's girlfriend's superiority complex, please do me a favor and take along walk off a short peir. And BTW- I personally don't watch Oprah or The View, but thnks for stereotyping.

    Posted by Pinkkittie18 May 22, 09 01:59 PM
  1. Baffled, how many of these other communication "quirks" does she have?
    1. Interrupts.
    2. Talks over.
    3. One-ups people.
    4. Shows she wasn't listening by asking about things you stated clearly.

    These are all ways of shutting people down, just like the knowitallism. It is not so hard to put up with this in someone you spend less time with (a co-worker, a neighbor), but it's a deal breaker in a GF/BF. Show her this message board, and if things don't change, break up.

    Posted by Jen-X May 22, 09 02:05 PM
  1. Is she substantially younger than you? It's amazing how much smarter other people get as one leaves the early 20s...

    Posted by Sadie S. May 22, 09 02:19 PM
  1. #75 HIT IT SPOT ON.

    I have dated girls like this. The last one, I flipped the script and she got so facking pissed, man was it funny. She totally BLEW UP at me, started sending me these crazy email and IM rants, etc etc. It was awesome.

    Original poster, dump this self centered SEE-YOU-NEXT-TUESDAY and move on!

    Now that I'm a little older, I would never tolerate anything like this ever again, from square one. But it may take you a little while to figure that out.

    Posted by walter cronkite May 22, 09 02:36 PM
  1. Is she really arguing? Or debating for sport? I'm definitely one who likes to "argue for the sake of arguing" but not in a personal way. It's a form of mental gymnastics for me. My husband can't stand this (and is terrible at thinking on the spot so it's no fun anyway), so I tone it down with him but he has a friend who negotiates for a living and he and I have very spirited, engaging debates/arguments and it's great fun for both of us. The other part of someone who thinks they're always right is that maybe that person only argues when they know what they are talking about. I don't argue everything, but I do argue what I know and like to talk to people about things I don't know so that I can learn more. If it's personal, petty, stupid arguing and she actually isn't right, or she is arguing about things where there are legitimate differences of opinion, maybe it is an insecurity thing and can be addressed gently. But if she actually is right most of the time and debates for the sake of debating, then you can either decide that you're cool with it and engage the behavior, your're cool with it but won't be her sparring partner, or you hate it and it's time to move on.

    Posted by Jen May 22, 09 02:39 PM
  1. Glad to see that apparently my ex has finally gotten another relationship going.

    Buddy, just get the hell out now. Whatever is attracting you to this woman, you can find it in somebody else besides this Little Ms. Can't Be Wrong. Like everyone else is saying, when the romantic aspect of things simmers down, as it's bound to do, if you've tied yourself to this woman you're gonna wish you were dead. Take it from one who's been there and paid the price.

    Posted by davess23 May 22, 09 02:47 PM
  1. Yeah, I wouldn't say that this relationship has longterm potential unless she makes an effort to change her attitude. I dated someone who didn't argue with me all the time, but everything I said would garner a response beginning with, "Well, actually ..." and then an explanation of why I was wrong (I suspected that I was right more often than he was, and there was one time where he was challenging my field of expertise; he didn't believe me when I told him that I knew, 100%, that I was right).

    The other reason that one-partner-always-thinks-they're-right is bad is that the always-right partner tends to not apologize for things, and to insist that if you're hurt, you just need to adjust your attitude. No relationship formed on this basis is ever going to be happy. If she won't make the effort, end it.

    Posted by sabend May 22, 09 02:48 PM
  1. My husband's ex-wife was exactly like this. He accepted it for 18 years, just going with the flow, keeping his opinion to himself until they had a baby. At that point it hit him like a ton of bricks that he didn't want his daughter growing up like her mother thinking it was okay to stomp the life out of people to get her way OR growing up like him and being a doormat. He left and every single time he disagrees with her now, she threatens to call 911 because she considers it abusive. Seriously, if he tells her "no, I will not meet you at 2:30, I have a meeting and can't meet until 4:30" she takes it as a threat. Some women (and men - though as a woman, I have to say I know more woman like this then men) would rather be right than happy. I choose happy. My husband and I have a mutual respect for each other's opinions and thoughts. Your girlfriend is being controlling and disrespectful and nobody deserves that.

    Bringing it to her attention is a good idea, but is she is as controlling as it sounds, you need to be ready to say good-bye at the end of that conversation or you're in for a lifetime of misery.

    Posted by Ima May 22, 09 03:04 PM
  1. DT (#73) I wonder if she'll tell him that he's wrong for breaking up with him.

    "No, no, no, you're not breaking up with me!"

    This definitely sounds like a "OMG she's hot and is amazing in bed" situation, and she knows she's got him all wrapped up. Run, run away!!!

    Posted by K May 22, 09 03:16 PM
  1. Geez, if people took their on advice in this forum, they'd be single forever. "OMG, Dump her, she's clearly the Devil!!!!!" What a joke.

    Look Baffled, it takes two to have an argument, and there is no question that you need to communicate with your SO and let her know how her debate style is affecting your relationship. But before you do that, rather than just pointing the finger at your girlfriend, maybe try asking yourself what behaviors you engage in that contribute to these confrontations? Do you get frustrated immediately and have a knee-jerk reaction everytime she begins to voice an opinion with which you disagree? Could it be that you're just naturally non-confrontational and just don't know how to handle her opinionated style? Are you afraid that you just can't hold your own when she gets going?

    The reason I'm asking is because this issue has popped up from time to time in my own relationship. I come from a 'debate family', one in which strong opinions are encouraged and debate is just a way of life. My SO, however, is the opposite and is inclined to feel brow-beaten and uncomfortable when directly challenged. Certain things I say and do during an argument trigger his frustration very quickly, and I get frustrated in turn because I like my man to be able to stand up to me rather than get mad and shut down. Over time, we've learned to adapt and give each other the benefit of the doubt. Of course, we still frustrate each other from time to time, but it's nowhere near the level of deal-breaker.

    So you see, this is something that can improve if both of you are willing to own up to your own behaviors and really work on it. And hey, maybe she is just awful and it's something you won't be able to get past. Who knows? But what I know for sure is that it'll just get worse as long as you avoid discussing it with her and choose to write in to random internet forums instead.

    And please, please ignore the folks who say "OMG, SOUNDS JUST LIKE MY WORTHLESS EX, IT'LL NEVER WORK, RUN AWAY!!!!" I'm hoping you know how silly that is.

    Posted by Rae May 22, 09 03:22 PM
  1. MaLock's post (#3) says it all. Couldn't say it better. Take heed and slip out the back, jack. You deserve better than this self-centered, egotistical and narcissistic behavior.

    Posted by Jetta May 22, 09 03:48 PM
  1. A shovel and lime works like a charm ;0)

    Posted by SilentButDeadly May 22, 09 04:11 PM
  1. #93 what about the other way around? maybe he isn't too good looking himself and he sees himself lucky to be able get her in the first place....

    Posted by JL May 22, 09 04:25 PM
  1. I agree with Rae. My boyfriend and I have been together almost five years and the first year or so we had the "major" arguments you describe - only they weren't really about the trival things that initially sparked the argument, the "major" part was about how we were handling disagreements, not the disagreements themselves. I'm from a "debate family" too and usually am very forthcoming with my opinions, which are many and varied. :) I get along easiest with people whose opinions are many and varied as well - though not necessarily in agreement with mine.

    It took us a while, but my boyfriend and I are very happy, and disagree about lots of things. He's learned to debate his point of view instead of acting defensive, I've learned to tone down my approach, and when something we disagree on really is too touchy a subject for us to discuss freely, we have learned to sense that's the case and we shy away from the subject before it becomes an issue.

    I think you probably know whether this person is bitter and angry in her opinions and is being negative, or whether she simply disagrees with you and isn't afraid to say so. If the former, run away. If the latter - stick it out - you both might learn something!

    Posted by Catherine May 22, 09 04:33 PM
  1. Maybe she is always right. Communication, communication, communication, is very important, especially after the physical stuff wears off. You and Yeller don't have an ounce of communication. Dump her, dump her quickly and tell her the simple reason why (that way maybe she will be inspired to work on her quarrelsome nature and in 10 yrs or so - she may improve slightly and the next guy will thank you for telling her of her faults - or SHE MAY NEVER IMPROVE.). Run, run away quickly.

    Posted by Been around May 22, 09 05:16 PM
  1. Reading this column day after day, I truly wonder why anyone is in a relationship.

    Posted by Alvin May 22, 09 05:39 PM
  1. Set her up with Rico. Then sell tickets to the firworks!

    Posted by Joe May 22, 09 05:57 PM
  1. Hoss,
    "Man Commandments" ????
    how cliche for such an original thinker
    do you write copy for beer coomercials

    Posted by mike in salem May 23, 09 01:27 AM
  1. My parents are like this--dad is always right, mom caves (they argue all of the time). I couldn't live like this, but they seem ok. Once dad was arguing with me about something, and he said "You couldn't be more wrong!" I replied, "You know, I bet I could be more wrong, I bet I could be a lot more wrong." We all had a good laugh. Sometimes a disarming comment can go a long way.
    Good luck.

    Posted by cm May 23, 09 01:54 AM
  1. Run.....run away and fast. It will never get better. Even if you bring it up and she agrees, she will be faking it. Then you will get married and she will think to herself that she was indeed right....that telling you she wasn't always right worked. Then the years of agony begins. Trust me, I am 20 years down the road being married to a woman who has no clue what she wants, but is damn certain of what she doesn't want. Example: Our car died and we needed a new one right away.
    Me: Do you like the blue one?
    Her: No I hate the blue one, I hate blue.
    Me: Well what one do you want
    Her; I don't know, I just know I don't want the blue one
    Me: well we have to make a decision
    Her: You decide
    Yeah right! Anyway, if you want to enjoy te misery I enjoy, marry her. But believe me, running away is the best option. I will be running as soon as the last kid is out of high school. I can't take it.

    Posted by 41Enderby May 23, 09 07:35 AM
  1. You should want better for yourself and in doing so...she deserves someone who who won't put up with immature behavior. You should be with someone who is willing to listen, talk. She needs someone who will tell her this behavior will prevent her from having long loving relationships, she needs someone who will pass her a lens to see her own behavior...because we are not static beings, she can grow...but up to her. Plant the seed. You may not be the one to help her grow up but start. Perhaps...you should send her this topic and have a discussion. If she is unwilling to work on herself, GET OUT. You will be miserable. You aren't her therapist, you are a friend. You both need to act like it and that means empathy and communication. Good Luck.

    Posted by lisa May 23, 09 07:42 AM
  1. You're the man. It's your responsibility to tame her. Read the Taming of the Shrew by Shakespeare. Think I'm kidding? Sounds politically incorrect? Women want a man that not only stands up to them, but puts them in their place. If you let her dominate you, it will only get worse. She'll lose all respect for you. Indeed, she doesn't respect you now. All women test men. They want to see whether or not we've got some damn backbone. Most men try to placate women and there is no placating women b/c they don't want to be placated. I'm not talking about being abusive to them. But, you've got to learn how to handle women. Unless, of course, you want a wimpy woman that won't challenge you. Even the wimpy women will eventually walk all over a wimpy male. Just the way it is brother.

    Posted by Ronin555 May 23, 09 08:39 AM
  1. Wow, bitter men on here who don't appear to have the guts to leave a bad relationship. Instead of giving advice to 'Baffled', many on here seem to think of it as an opportunity to trash a woman they've never met, and also the ones in their own failed relationships. How about owning your part in your mess? Guys, get a spine, and don't blame women for your not having one. Where have all the real men gone? That's what's got me baffled.

    Posted by yupokay May 23, 09 09:50 AM
  1. If shes going to be verbally abusive than you should be physically abusive.

    You: "I really like the taste of coke"
    Her: "your wrong, pepsi is way better"
    You: "Well i suppose you have your opinions and i have mine"
    Her: "No, your opinion is wrong, pepsi is by far better"
    You: *Back hand her* "What did you say?!"
    Her: *Wimper* "Your right, i am sorry"

    Posted by BigDawg May 23, 09 01:03 PM
  1. You are describing just about every woman out there. The thing is they usually wait until they get what want (ie marriage, kids) before they show their true colors. If this one can't even hide it in the beginning, get rid of her FAST!

    Posted by DumpThatB May 23, 09 02:59 PM
  1. I'm amazed at the deep level of misogyny by some of the posters.


    Posted by layfee May 23, 09 03:10 PM
  1. If anyone is a forum "troll" it's Rico. That guy is gayer than they come too. I wish it would go away for awhile, so i wouldn't have to read that third person gibberish.

    Posted by RICO May 23, 09 03:12 PM
  1. Say: Aspergers - or ADHD - or ADD... that is what this is. Their mouth openes before you finish your sentence. My Husbands latest quote: What are you talking about? After anything I say... anything.. ugghhh.. That is because he is thinking about what I said. Lord help me. Go on to wonderful self help sites: Delphi forums are great. others talking. Then you know you are not crazy.
    And of course: RUN.... I wouldn't wish this upon anyone. Painful for 'us' to live like this.

    Posted by Dana May 23, 09 06:48 PM
  1. My ex-wife used to say "I'm always right," as well, particularly when she knew I'd be surprised, because she did, in fact, turn out to be right. In response, I'd tease... "Yes dear, you're ALWAYS right." Neither of us took it too seriously, although in hindsight, she usually WAS right.

    For unrelated reasons, the marriage ended. I remarried... a woman who truly believed that she was always right (but who kept it hidden until after the wedding). She also had a sense of "entitlement" (what's hers was hers, and what's mine was hers)... and was pathologically incapable of saying "I'm sorry," for anything.

    Care to guess which of those two was more interesting and rewarding to live with? The first, of course, so I suggest trying to turn the claim into a private joke, making it clear (in a non-threatening way) that you don't really buy into it. If she digs in her heels, then you know you've got someone with 'issues' that you won't be able to solve, on your own. If it becomes a private joke... hold on, enjoy the ride, and don't let go.

    Posted by MetroWestMan May 24, 09 02:17 AM
  1. I was in a committed relationship where her response to ANYTHING I said was "I know." Even things she could not have known was: "I know." It became irritating to me and I calmly spoke to her about it. She said it was nothing. Bottom line: we eventually broke up because she would never think before she spoke about anything and I could not deal with it. The "I know" issue never went away. I told her it was not worth informing her on something because she already knew. She did not get it.

    Move on. Too many fish in the pond and life is too short to try to change someone's way of response. Your honey is too controlling from the outset. It will never work.

    Posted by skignatio1 May 24, 09 06:52 AM
  1. Take¦this¦test:¦Ask¦yourself¦if¦you¦feel¦comfortable¦with¦farting¦while¦she's¦in¦the¦same¦room.¦If¦the¦answer¦is¦NO!,¦then¦you're¦both¦still¦in¦the¦mating¦ritual¦where¦both¦of¦you¦should¦be¦playing¦nice.¦Don't¦think¦that¦she's¦just¦¦testing¦your¦resolve¦to¦see¦if¦you're¦mate-worthy.¦Right¦now¦she's¦just¦seeing¦what¦she¦can¦get¦away¦with¦without¦losing¦you.¦


    My wife is largely responsible for my success because she made me (sex is a powerful tool) go back to school. As a lawyer, I can bust all the balls I want to after I leave the the house but, when I'm home, I do as I'm told. I'd rather be happy than right. Since the dog died, she's even got more time to continue my training.

    So, I'm a big pussy! So what!! After 44 years, sex is still a powerful tool. But having a best friend who's constantly looking out for you is priceless.

    Posted by bobmom May 24, 09 12:41 PM
  1. I feel your girlfriend's pain... I'm sure it must be very frustrating dealing with an idiot all day. You guys should compromise. She will only correct you on major errors, like driving on the right side of the road. the rest of the time she will roll her eyes in contempt. or you could just date someone stupider, than you could always be right.

    Posted by ib_stupid May 24, 09 01:10 PM
  1. As far as I am concerned, it is all about whether your significant other's behavior irritates you enough to be a deal-breaker. My husband and I love to debate, and no one takes it personally. I like it if he says, No, if he thinks, no, and vice versa. Comments above from those like "online" who want to psychologize it are missing the point--it's whether you find a kind of confrontational partner interesting and sexy, or just annoying.
    No right and wrong, here, just whether it is a "good fit."

    Posted by Likes to debate May 25, 09 06:31 PM
  1. Get OUT of that relationship unless she changes, man. You'll only grow to resent her more and more each day until she's an enemy of yours that you happen to be dating. If you're self-aware enough to write into the column about advice, you need to take the next step and confront her about this, and if she doesn't agree that she needs some help or needs to change, get out fast and don't look back.

    Posted by FJ May 26, 09 08:32 AM
  1. She sounds like a typical Massachusetts Liberal. Let me guess, she has an advanced degree from a private school in the Greater Boston area in something like Literature or Medieval Art.

    Posted by Mikey "Insane" Monkeypants May 27, 09 12:31 PM
  1. She sounds like a typical Massachusetts Liberal. Let me guess, she has an advanced degree from a private school in the Greater Boston area in something like Literature or Medieval Art.

    Posted by Mikey "Insane" Monkeypants May 27, 09 12:31 PM
ABOUT LOVE LETTERS: Welcome to Love Letters, the place for love advice (giving and getting). Globe relationship columnist Meredith Goldstein and Boston.com readers are ready to take your letters and tell you what's what. Have a question? Click here to submit or email us at loveletters@boston.com.
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Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.

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