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Married, cohabitating, divorcing, dating

Posted by Meredith Goldstein  May 18, 2009 05:11 PM

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You all have to stop calling yourselves “Confused.” We have too many Confuseds. I need more creative names, people. We’re all confused.

Here’s a confused dad. Help him.

Q: I am a 32 year old father of a two year old who has been married for about 5 years. About a month and a half ago, my wife told me she was unhappy with our relationship and wanted a divorce. We are still living together until we can make arrangements to sell our home, but we consider ourselves separated. We have been getting along well enough since. I wanted to try and work out our issues in couples counseling, but she said things could not be fixed for her. I have asked her several times if she is sure she doesn't want to try and save the marriage, and she always says it is too late. So after a couple weeks I went out on a date, and now have been seeing this person for about a month. I have been going out with her about 3-4 times a week. My wife didn't seem to mind, but she has never been one to talk about her feelings openly with me. So a couple days ago, I received an email my wife wrote to her friend, which she seems to have accidentally sent to me. She states in it how sad she is that I am going out with another woman. I asked her again, if she still wants to get back together, and she again says no. She adds this time "especially now that you've obviously been with someone else." Up until now, I have been taking her word for it when she tells me no, but my first choice would be to save my marriage. Should I stop listening to her and try and fight for her? Is that what she secretly wants? I'm not sure what to do.

-- Confused, Boston

A: Confused, um … is it weird that after just a month and a half you’re already dating someone three to four times a week? Wait – I’ll answer that question. Yes, it’s weird. Especially with a kid around.

The fact that your wife is upset about your dating habits may mean this divorce thing is a bluff -- but maybe not. People get jealous, even when they lose someone they no longer want. Maybe she's ticked off that while you're out on dates, she's babysitting.

If you want to be with your wife as opposed to this new person you’re dating (can we say liner-upper?) all you can do is ask your wife once again if she’s willing to cut the poo, see a counselor, and commit to making an effort. If she turns you down, it’s up to you to change your living situation as quickly as possible. I know the economy is rough, but being a dad who’s trying to date while still living with a soon-to-be ex-wife and child … well, it’s not a great living situation for anyone involved. Not healthy, not good.

Regardless of what she wants, I’d recommend slowing things down with his new person and doing some soul searching in therapy. There’s a lot of passive-aggressive behavior here, and some of it’s coming from you.

Readers? What is going on here? He’s confused – and so am I. Help Confused here. Read the more than 150 comments about yesterday’s butt show here.

-- Meredith

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170 comments so far...
  1. Rico's confused??? Rico is ready to share his thoughts on this...

    Rico is thinking you are not confused...Rico thinks you are missing the point. She wanted a divorce because the issue is YOU!!! You probably never made a real effort to show you love her and care for her and your child. You lack sensitivity, you lack humanity, you lack everything it takes to be a normal human being in this world. You are NOT Confused, you are just a selfish, self absorbed, loser.

    Rico thinks that any "man" that could do what you are doing has to look long and hard in the mirror...oops, Rico's mistake, you probably spend too much time looking in the mirror already since you obviously only truly care about one person in this world.

    Rico says you need a good swift kick in the butt (not a reference to yesterday's letter). In Rico's mind he thinks you are a cheater and that is why the marriage has failed. Fine, she wants a divorce, sorry she doesn't want to do therapy. maybe she knows something you aren't telling us? Instead of dating you should have gone for therapy to find out what was wrong with you and then asked her to join you when the time was right. In the meantime you need to end the dating, get an apartement or move in with your mommy and start being a man. Show your child you are his/her dad and love him/her with every once of yourself then try and show your soon-to-be-ex wife that you are a new person and try to win her back by going to therapy as Rico said. Rico thinks it won't work but he thinks unless you try you will never grow up and be a real man. Sorry, that's just Rico's feelings right now.

    Rico is looking for realestate as well, where is this house you are selling? Maybe Rico can get a good deal and solve both your problem and his?

    Rico is going to stop and buy his wife flowers on the way home from work today just because...take Rico's advice and thou shall be happy.

    Love always and Bike Happy,

    Rico

    It's all about the Bike :)

    Posted by Rico May 19, 09 10:36 AM
  1. Seriously? Dating someone new two weeks later -- but while still living with the wife? And seeing her three and four times a week? Yikes! Confused Dad, you need to get your head screwed on straight.

    Let's say your wife thought the marriage was doomed and so she wanted a divorce. But let's say she also still loved you. Had you *not* immediately run out to find yourself a replacement, you might have had a chance to save the marriage. Now, you have nothing. No chance. It shows you as fickle -- not because you started dating right away, necessarily (I understand that can happen though it is far from ideal) but because you are dating while still claiming to want your marriage to work. Pick one. Claiming to want your marriage to work *while dating someone else* shows you as very, very fickle and unreliable.

    And as you are so confused this is so very much not the time to be seeing your new love so often. Scale this back. Allow yourself to actually get to know someone; you are a dad and you owe this to your kids, if not yourself. How on earth do you spend enough time with your kids if you are dating so often already?

    Posted by j-len May 19, 09 10:36 AM
  1. Actions always speak louder than words. The fact that you are out dating a month and a half later - someone 3 to 4 times a week - while you are still living with your separate wife - speaks volumes for the type of person you are and your mentality. How about cleaning up the mess first - moving out - getting on your own two feet - taking care of any concerns your child - planning mediation for your impending divorce - FIRST. Do you really have to be dating right now? You have plenty on your plate at the moment - why involve someone else - especially while you are living with your separated wife - your actions stink of spitefulness. You sound like a mess and you clearly don't have your priorities lined up - so why should you expect your wife to have her priorities clear? Work on getting yourself grounded first - without involving someone else (i.e. dating) in the process. Grow up.

    Posted by spaceman May 19, 09 10:38 AM
  1. Why are you dating already? You and your wife arent even physically separated yet. Sounds like you are jumping from one horse to the next, which is not healthy at all, especially with a child involved. Take this time to be alone for at least a couple months, or years. It seems very quick and you must learn to stand on your own two feet instead of just finding someone else to fill that void.

    Posted by chloe May 19, 09 10:39 AM
  1. Confused, one thing at a time! Meredith's headline is great: "Married, cohabitating, divorcing, dating" -- because it provides a list for you to choose from. Choose one!

    Posted by Sasha May 19, 09 10:44 AM
  1. First off, yes, you dating is making her jealous. Want to save your marriage, get rid of the girlfriend. NOW!!! The downside? She is going to randomly screw some guy to get even with you for dating someone. Once that can of worms is open, write back and ask Meredith how to fix that problem. The next time she goes out with the "girls" for a drink, she will come back with the smell of cheap cologne all over her.

    She will forever hold that girlfriend against you, the next time she brings it up, here is what you need to do. START A SHOUTING MATCH! Seriously, nothing that will end up on the news or need the cops called, but you are stuck in the vortex of passive aggressive behavior. The only way to get over this hump is to lay it out all the line.

    Fight for her. Fight for the woman you love. Yell and scream and let her know that passion inside you is real, and you feel it for her. Tell her you are sick of her flip flopping on your marriage. Tell her you dated someone else because you were sick and lonely from her constant rejection.

    Sometimes you have to demolish a home to rebuild it.

    Posted by Chico May 19, 09 10:54 AM
  1. Who cares if he is dating already?

    Let's look at the facts-- the wife wants to end the marriage... the wife doesn't want to try and work it out... the wife is now the one who is upset because he's seeing someone else. So let's get this straight-- she wanted out, and is now upset that he's seeing someone else.

    Sounds like jealousy to me. I bet the new girl is better looking too. Good for you buddy.

    Posted by Ldog May 19, 09 10:55 AM
  1. This is worse than the butt-show. It is immature and irresponsible for you to be dating right now. Even if your soon-to-be ex wife is the wicked witch of the west, you need time to reflect on what went wrong and how you can take a different approach to future relationships.
    Forget about confusing your wife and these readers, I'm very upset at how much this must be confusing your child. Mom and dad still living together but dad's out dating most of the week? Even if your child doesn't know that you're " dating", how does your child feel being in a tense household where daddy isn't around too much? Ditch the girlfriend and work on yourself a bit. I agree with Meredith, there is definitely some passive aggression here

    Posted by thedemocraddict May 19, 09 10:57 AM
  1. Rico is dead on.

    You sound like one of those guys who is very high maintenance, a momma's boy. You wore your wife out, and now that you're not getting what you want from her, you've moved on to the next one. No thought for how 'confused' this must make your child.

    Grow up. Learn to take care of yourself and your kid before you take on a new relationship.

    Posted by yikes May 19, 09 10:58 AM
  1. Sometimes it's hard to tell if these stories are true, I mean...this one seems totally NOT believable...that said, IF it's true and there's a small person involved, a solid unit of FATHER + MOTHER is always preferable, however, it seems like you people are from the Three's Company TV show where anything goes and women just fall out of the sky after deciding to separate...there must be more to the story that we're not being told.

    I give, no response to to not enough info

    Posted by josh May 19, 09 10:59 AM
  1. Jackass, you're a married guy. You claim you want to "save" your marriage. You "ask" your wife if she wants to do counseling. Here's an idea: don't date anyone while you're married and then turn around say you want to save your marriage! She is obviously not the bad guy here; you are.

    You're not confused. You're as jealous as your wife. You are dating someone to rub your desirability in her face. "Are you sure you don't want to save our marriage? Look what I can do after we break up... Start a serious relationship immediately!"

    And why would you want to date a girl that wants to date a married man? Buddy, you got too many issues for this city to deal with.

    Posted by Damo May 19, 09 11:01 AM
  1. Tomorrow’s letter will be from a woman named “Too Soon?”: “For the last month I’ve been regularly seeing a guy who’s been separated for a month and a half, but still lives with his wife and kid. Is it TOO SOON to check his Facebook and email to see if he isn’t still in love with his wife?” Come on, pal. Your girlfriend needs more help than you do. After TWO WEEKS of separation, I’m surprised your stomach was able to handle dating at all. You should still be sick enough to be curled up in a ball…BUT NOOOOOOOO!!! You’re off to the races. I might expect this from your wife, but she seems to be Stuck Inside Mobile with the Memphis Blues Again. My guess is that your wife has been bumpin’ uglies with someone for a while, and she purposefully copied you on email to make sure your anger during the divorce settlement was unaffected by the realization that she was the star in someone else’s Butt Show. When someone wants to go and refuses counseling, they have been emotionally gone for a long time.

    Posted by valentino May 19, 09 11:02 AM
  1. What kind of marriage vows did you two make? Wow, this is so sad. You don't tell us what the issues are that you need to work out, so we have no idea what your wife's comments mean about things not being fixable and "it's too late" to save the marriage.

    I may be out on a limb here, but did you two plan a LIFE together, or did you maybe plan a Storybook Wedding, which turned into a marriage with bumps and twists. It's amazing that you are BOTH so quick to abandon your marriage.

    Posted by Fresi May 19, 09 11:05 AM
  1. So... over the course of two weeks (fewer than, actually, it sounds like) you "asked her several times" to consider counseling, and because she didn't immediately say yes you launched a relationship with another woman? These are not the actions of a man with a serious interest in saving his marriage. These aren't even the actions of a man with a passing interest in saving his marriage!

    And who is this new woman who's dating you? Does she know you're married? How did that conversation go? "Technically, I'm still married and living with my wife, but about two weeks ago we decided to just be friends.... Can I buy you a drink?"

    I read these letters a lot, and am always disgusted with how critical the comments can be of the letter writers. But there is nothing positive to say to you! You sound (at best) like a moron and (at worst) like a sociopath. Do the right thing: move out, stop seeing the new woman, and enter therapy. Thank God your child is too young to see what a dope you're being -- with enough therapy, maybe you can begin to behave like a semi-decent person by the time your kid becomes cognizant.

    Posted by Beth May 19, 09 11:05 AM
  1. Your first choice is to save your marriage, but you started dating someone 2 weeks after your wife said she is done with your marriage? What?! What planet are you on? My guess is that your lack of sensitivity and common decency forced your wife to threaten divorce. What issues was she unhappy with? Or is the real story behind this that you had a chick waiting in the wings and that's why your wife wants out? What does your 'girlfriend' think of your living situation? Does she know that you are still married and living with your wife? How did you manage to find a girlfriend who is ready to jump into an intense relationship (dating 3-4 times per week) so quickly? And carousing 3-4 nights a week with some "cookie", when do you spend time with your child? You are heartless.
    Memo to confused's wife-call a good lawyer, cancel the credit cards and bank accounts and get out. You married a a real winner.

    Posted by Bambinosmom May 19, 09 11:06 AM
  1. I'd like to add a shout-out to the woman who is dating this soon-to-be-divorced-but-is-living-with-his-spouse-and-child-guy: Honey, RUN as fast as you can in the other direction. You are contributing to an already bizarre situation. And if that doesn't bother you (which it should) you need some therapy time as well.

    Posted by fences May 19, 09 11:07 AM
  1. Have you been completely honest with the new woman you're dating about your situation?

    What woman in her right mind would date a guy who is still married and living with his wife and child a month and half after they decided to split? And to spend 3 -4 nights a week together?

    How on earth do you time for that?
    Don't you feel like maybe you could be spending more time with your son, especially since his world is about to turn upside down?

    I wish your wife the very best in her future.

    Posted by C May 19, 09 11:07 AM
  1. Can't say it's terrible that Confused is dating again after a few weeks without knowing whether or not the divorce request occurred after 5 happy years of marriage or after a lengthy period of time where the writing was on the wall. If it's the former, I join all those who condemn Confused's actions. If it's after a year or two of bickering, fighting, etc., I'll put down my torch and break from the villagers.

    Posted by DOCP May 19, 09 11:07 AM
  1. Are the people on here making comments joking or just plain stupid?? Mrs. Confused is the one who is demading a divorce. Mrs. Confused is the one who is refusing to work on saving the marriage. And now Mrs. Confused is getting bent out of shape because Mr. Confused wants to think about getting on with his life??!! Fair play to you Mr. Confused. Granted, I think I probably would have waited a bit longer than a few weeks before seeing someone new but each to his own. If you've tried to reach out and make things work but you're wife wants nothing to do with it, you have every right to move on in your life. Don't let her hold you to ransom. Woman clearly wants to have her cake and eat it..... "I don't want to be with you but I don't want you to be with anytone else" is clearly her agenda. You'd be a fool to be held to such a position. Good luck.

    Posted by Fair Play.... May 19, 09 11:07 AM
  1. There's a saying in Russia: 'When the sun goes down, it gets dark. Don't let that catch you by surprise.' Your wife was the one who asked for a divorce. She was the one who turned down multiple requests from you to see a counselor. What the hell did she think might happen?

    Clearly she either wasn't into saving the marriage, or she's confused and playing head-games about what she *does* want-- either way, you don't need that in your life. Tell her to get her own counseling, get it straight in her head what she does want, and then get back to you. Until then, you're free to do what you want.

    As to dating someone else: so long as she's aware of your status, and you're not bringing her around your kids, and you're still available to them as a father-- not anyone's business but yours and hers.

    Posted by Joey May 19, 09 11:08 AM
  1. Yes. Take a break and slow down my friend… It hasn’t even been a couple months. Don’t you need some down time? Time to maybe feel a little sad? Your wife probably is a little jealous. Maybe she thought you might want some down time before you jump right back into the sack. 3 times a week is a lot! How about every other weekend? I know this new lady keeps your mind off things but you need to face this right now.

    Although difficult, put a ‘hold’ on this new booty— do it before your soon to be ex-wife shows up with some 24 y/o stud with the stamina of a long distance runner. And if she’s really pissed she might show up with 2 of them...

    Posted by yep May 19, 09 11:08 AM
  1. She just happend to send the email to him by accident??

    Posted by SouljaBoyTellEm! May 19, 09 11:10 AM
  1. Confused, just stop it. Both you and your wife are being passive aggressive. You by dating just to stick it to her when you know you shouldn't be and her by dropping a bomb about wanting a divorce and not wanting counseling.

    Both of you are behaving like three year-olds, you both need to grow to heck up. If you truly love her and want to keep you marraige, why the heck would you be dating. Grow a pair already and start acting like a man. All that money and energy you are using to date why don't you put that into finding a place to live and spending some time with your child. As for the e-mail that was "accidentally" sent to you, get a grip that was done deliberately. Your wife is being an a**. She dropped her bomb hoping you would act a certain way and you didn't so now she's trying something a little different. How about you both sit down and talk to each other, instead of playing this STUPID little game that you're playing

    THINK OF YOUR DARN CHILD AND STOP ACTING LIKE ONE.

    Posted by really!!! May 19, 09 11:10 AM
  1. Rico, you are the best. I love reading this column every day just to read your on-target advice. If you and I were both single, I'd be interested in meeting you. Your wife is one lucky woman. And I am a lucky wife and mom too, for that matter.

    Posted by Bette May 19, 09 11:11 AM
  1. Woah, hold up people. Don't all gang up on him at once. Clearly there are a number of significant things going on here.

    Confused Dad's wife has probably been unhappy for a while now and this relationship has deteriorated silently for a long time, I'm sure. He's been hurt and told to go away, helpless and unable to save his marriage and his family, he's reaching out. It's probably not the right way or a dignified way, but in break ups - what is? You all act like he’s doing this to his family, but he sounds like he’s feeling helpless.

    I agree with Meredith, you should have a frank conversation, away from the kids, and hash it out. If it’s over, it’s over. Especially if this ship has been sinking for a while, it might not be fixable, but you should try. And to keep the dating on the DL if it is – at least until you have your own place.

    Posted by PainfullyHelpful May 19, 09 11:13 AM
  1. The two-year old had been married for 5 years?

    Posted by Red Sox Fan May 19, 09 11:13 AM
  1. Rico has some added thoughts for you:

    Rico forgot to mention that as you started to date only shortly after your "wife" asked for a divorce it seems you must have already been spending time or cultivating a relationship with another person all along. Maybe this is why your "wife" wants the divorce? Rico thinks she deserved better and you screwed it up royally. You made your bed now you need to get a new one in a new home and go sleep in it alone.

    Your lack of common decency is mind boggling. Rico guesses Meredith, the readers and everyone you speak to is probably confused why you are the only one to be confused why she wants you gone. If you were Rico's friend (Which you never would be since Rico hates cheaters) Rico would tell you to your face how much of a stupicd moron you are. Rico's tolerance for this type of behavior is ZERO, you crossed lines and have no right to be upset or confused at your wife. She has every right to leave your stuff on the front lawn today and keep the home that you will continue to pay for so she can raise the child you donated sperm to create.

    Rico hopes she is reading this: Please, Rico wants you to write in and tell us the real story from your point of view. Rico wants you to know the "ex" set a standard of lifestyle for you and the child and now he should do what it takes to continue that lifestyle for you and your child. He cheated on you in the past? Was having a relationship and you caught him? What was the story? How sleazy was he?

    Rico is worried for you, he is worried this "man" could become a deadbeat dad and/or have nothing to do with the child. Rico is feeling very badly for the wife and hopes she has the support of family and friends to get through this. Rico hopes you do well and your ex will support you and the child as he should.

    Rico is so distraught, he just can't say enough how disgusted he is with this "man". Seriously? Dating after a few weeks while living in the same house as wife and child? Maybe he was dating all along, before she asked for divorce? Really, 3-4 dates a week? Rico just can't fathom the audacity you have to write in looking for some type of advice and sympathy from people.

    You, sir (and Rico uses the word sir lightly here) are a FREAKING MORON.

    Rico may write in more later but for now he is just too upset to continue.

    Love always,

    Rico

    Posted by Rico May 19, 09 11:16 AM
  1. Astonishing. And unbelievably depressing.

    I really need to stop reading this column. I don't think my faith in mankind can withstand this kind of assault.

    Posted by lisalisa May 19, 09 11:20 AM
  1. She didn't send that e-mail to you by accident. You were snooping on her e-mails. Admit it.

    Posted by Alvin May 19, 09 11:22 AM
  1. Rico needs a life.

    Posted by Salter May 19, 09 11:25 AM
  1. Good for you buddy.

    It sounds like your wife just wants to end it (not sure why) and is not willing to resolve any problems. You've asked repeatedly, and she keeps giving you the runaround. Dating somebody that frequently might be a little strange, but the rate at how people move on is different.

    What are you supposed to do? You've tried to reconcile with her, and she doesn't want any of it. My advice to you is to get out of it and move away. You should also retain custody of your child if you are able to.

    She's the one that just broke it off because she "wasn't happy". That's such a lame excuse, and for her to not even be able to work on it shows that she could be a closet basketcase.

    I don't see how this guy is doing anything terribly wrong. It is his wife that wanted to end it and that is unwilling to work it out. Dating this quick is weird, but we all know it's a rebound.


    Posted by Mikey "Insane" Monkeypants May 19, 09 11:28 AM
  1. One man's opinion / advice:

    1. Stop asking your wife if she wants to get back together.
    2. Move out immediately.
    3. Tone it down with your dating at least until divorce proceedings are underway.
    4. Be a good Dad.

    Fellow commentors, here's an idea: Stop the bashing and berating and perhaps offer up some advice. Some of you people have anger issues and make this into a situation where the submitter is lining themself up for a firing squad.

    Rico, you have exceeded the maximum number of words for today. Why do you continually post comments about your own comments? Enough with the "note to self" stuff. If you are so green, get outside. Go pump up your tires and lube your chain or something.

    Posted by Hoss May 19, 09 11:30 AM
  1. Here's another perspective...She won't talk to him about it. Maybe he's hoping dating will get her to talk. Which she should be doing anyway.

    I think this is her fault.

    Posted by B May 19, 09 11:31 AM
  1. Rico says:

    Thank you Bette, and Rico thinks he is one very lucky husband to have such a great wife and child.

    Any of the guys on here (it seems to be only guys) condoning this idiots behavior should be ashamed of themselves. Rico figures many of you will be writing this same letter or something to its effect after you have a relationship and it goes bad. You all need a reality check.

    Regardless of whether she asked for the divorce or he asked they still are technically married and LIVING TOGETHER WITH A CHILD!!! There is a grieving period that should have been observed...NOT 2-4 WEEKS either. Unless it is a dragged out divorce then this so-called "man" should have waited to start dating till after they were divorced and living in seperate places. FIRST AND FOREMOST the child needs to be cared for, not just diapers and food either.

    OMG, Rico is just totally disgusted. Between the confused moron and the dumba$$ responses from the guys saying it's ok Rico needs a break. Rico can;t wait to go home and hand his wife some flowers and hug his child.

    Rico suggests all the readers call/write your wife, buy her flowers a card or just write a note on a post-it note to say how you feel about her. Then if you have a child, hug him/her and take them to the park or read them a book or do both...just to show your love!!!

    Rico will check back later to see how everyone is doing.

    Love always,

    Rico

    Stop to smell the fresh air

    Posted by Rico May 19, 09 11:34 AM
  1. This HAS to be fake just to get everyone here all riled up. Stop responding people Rico said it all in the first comment.

    Posted by Non Confused May 19, 09 11:35 AM
  1. You're being kind of selfish and cowardly right now. It seems like you're holding back a bunch of facts, which guys who are in your position usually do.

    Here's a list of the people you are currently screwing:

    1. Your kids. You're teaching them a real lesson right now-- a lesson that they shouldn't trust people and that relationships can just end in a flash.

    2. Your wife. Who said that her desire to end your relationship permits you to start dating while you are still living together with kids? Tacky. Does the new lady know everything?

    3. The New Girl. If she had any respect for herself, or any knowledge of what's going on (have you told her?) she should let you foot the bill for one more dinner just to have the opportunity to throw a drink in your face.

    4. Yourself. Yeah, you tried. You wanted counseling, but then you dropped the ball and started dating someone else right under your current wife's nose. If you're not legally separated, there's no way for you to prove that you weren't actually cheating on her. Were you? Is that the reason why the marriage soured? Once again, it seems like not all the facts are there.

    I am in this very same situation now as the New Guy. Sucks.

    Posted by Buddy May 19, 09 11:38 AM
  1. Confused….
    Just a heads-up – Beware Freeko Rico
    He habitually types in the third person, has a very low self esteem and insecurities regarding self awareness; why else would someone constantly refer to themselves by their first name, he desperately craves attention, unleashes his egomaniac persona and spews his long drawn-out speculations’ and warped opinions.
    He’s got major narcissistic issues. He probably feels a sense of satisfaction when trying to be the first person to respond to such emails. His self worth is attributed to seeing his name on an open forum blog……
    Point at hand – Stop outside activity with this third person outside the marriage. Go to counseling for yourself and give your wife space. After three months or there about, approach her within a quite and serene setting. Write notes on what to say and talk, talk, talk. If your wife is still adamant about divorce proceed with laying the foundation of starting this next phase of your life – a single parent. Don’t look for female companionship right away. If the nature of things seems to place someone in your path, of course be open and receptive but don’t go looking for outside satisfactions.
    jymt

    Posted by two cents May 19, 09 11:39 AM
  1. @Beth #14: Way to tell him!
    @DOCP, #18 Great line about the villagers!
    @Red Sox Fan #26 Funny! Can't believe I missed that about the two-year-old being married even before it was born.
    @Meredith, can you please limit His Boringness AKA Rico to once a day, maybe two paragraphs? Really. He is repetitive (of his own and others' opinions) as well as solipsistic.

    Posted by Frico May 19, 09 11:41 AM
  1. I went through the same thing, Wife ended it and got upset when I started seeing someone else.
    I got thrown out, went to conseling, begged her to talk about it, so she did and impressed to me that we should have never gotten married. I took the hint and moved on. Then she gets all over me about seeing someone else.
    Be careful what you wish for, you may just get it.
    I think he is doing the right thing but he should throw her out of the house.
    Get a lawyer!

    Posted by Anonymous May 19, 09 11:47 AM
  1. This situation is so sad for the child involved because he is last on the list. What daddy wants comes first, and mommy is too busy getting back at daddy to care about what Jr. wants. What a pathetic mess. The child's needs and development need to come first, not daddy's dating to bolster his fragile ego.
    On the other hand, any woman worth her Kosher salt, wouldn't be"schtuping" a man still living under the same roof with his wife and child. She's either naive, stupid, guilible or all three.
    Does anyone have the phone number for the Jerry Springer Show? I think we have a winner here.

    Posted by exvermonter May 19, 09 11:49 AM
  1. Dude, you are going to be taken to the cleaners in divorce court. Exhibit A is going to be this letter. You obviously have the emotional depth of a dinner plate, and you wonder why your wife has no interest staying married to you? I hope while you and your new paramour are out on dates 3-4 times a week that your soon-to-be-ex wife is researching Massachusetts law and laying a legal strategy to be well rid of you. I feel for her, the paramour, and most of all, your child. You're not Confused, you're Clueless.

    Posted by Kate's Nonna May 19, 09 11:50 AM
  1. Rico does your company know you have time to make 8 page posts every day? How do you have time for this? What do you do for work and how do I get it? This is why bailouts happen.
    Rico is sitting in the GM headquarters right now. Screw your bike Rico, and sell some effin cars!!

    Confused- I’d like to take your wife out for a nice seafood dinner.

    Posted by yep May 19, 09 11:50 AM
  1. I am getting the feeling that there is a passive aggressiveness or other similar character issue that is the reason behind your wife's refusal to want to work things out. Maybe I'm wrong, but the evidence you have provided in your letter (and obviously don't think is a major flag based on your tone) leads me to believe I'm not. If you want any chance with her (or likely anyone else in the future), you need to address this. Dump the girlfriend, focus on your child and yourself until you have worked that out. If you happen to be in denial and are unaware of why your wife is unhappy and no longer committed to this relationship, take the humble approach that you want to improve yourself for your child and future relationships, and ask her. Write it down, take it to a therapist, and discuss it. She's probably on to something, and it's probably something that will rear it's head with every future relationship you enter. Maybe this act of maturity will turn her head back to you.

    Posted by Natalee May 19, 09 11:51 AM
  1. OK, Rico will wirte in first person just this once!!!

    Hi, I am not an ego maniac, not of low self esteem and not at all insecure. I happen to be a human being that read a letter and think it is worth more than just a few words here. To Hoss, I think you are a pompous jack-a$$ and need to get your head out of the place the sun don't shine if you have the strength to remove it of course.

    In the meantime I notice that hoss was giving similar advice to me and then goes on to say derogatory things about me. Sounds like jealousy? Wirte to meredith about it. two cents? beware of me? please, you say beware of me then basically take what I said and put it in your own words...or did someone else type it for you?

    Here is my two cents: Read what I wrote, I meant it. The guy is a sleazebag, he is chweating and his child and soon to be ex deserved better.

    Now I am going outside to get fresh air. It's bike month people, pump the tires and lube the chain (use chain wax) and get out there to enjoy it while it lasts.

    Love always,

    The one and only Rico!!!

    Posted by Rico May 19, 09 11:54 AM
  1. Wow, six weeks and you're already out on the town! Pretty impressive. I think you should take a step further...take your new girlfirend home for a romp on the livingroom sofa. If that doesn't get your wife to start sharing her feelings nothing will.

    In all seriousness, what are you doing? You have a child at home and you are spending time...lots of time...away from said household with a new girlfriend. You should take care of things at home before tending to your other needs. Perhaps the occasion visit with Master Bates would help the situation. Clean up the mess (no pun intended) at home before making the next one.

    Posted by Kay-Man May 19, 09 11:54 AM
  1. Excuse me? The wife is the one who wants the divorce and is now annoyed that he's interested in someone else? What am I missing here?

    Posted by dottie May 19, 09 11:56 AM
  1. Me thinks no one knows the facts and are idiots for assuming what happened here. Me thinks if the wife was asked if she wanted to save it and she said no, so confused can do what he wants. Me thinks Rico really has a husband at home anyone else?

    Posted by Me thinks May 19, 09 11:56 AM
  1. While I understand the economy is bad, lets not use that as an excuse to hide from doing the responsible thing. If you haven't moved out, you should be showing more discretion and respect ; for the partner that you married, for your child, and for yourself. I can understand the need to "date" or find companionship but to openly let your wife and child know so soon, just seems to make life more complicated for everyone involved. After all, you are still living under the same roof.

    As far as the dating, 3 or 4 times a week to begin with seems quite excessive to me. What is this new person thinking? getting involved with a man who isn't divorced and hasn't moved out of the martial home yet?

    My advice: Think before you leap. If you want to save your marriage, this certainly isn't the way to do. You mention your wife says she wants to end the marriage, but you are the one out with another person. Actions speak louder than words. Don't swap one bad situation for another and lets not use the bad economy as an excuse to do it.

    Posted by SMB May 19, 09 11:58 AM
  1. #22, agreed! I don't see how she could mistakenly send you the email. Did you happen to stumble upon it yourself while looking through emails? Either that or the friend wants you to know how your wife feels in hopes you two will work it out.
    Regardless, she has every right to be upset that you started dating so early on. This makes it seem as though your commitment meant nothing. Make a decision on what you want and concentrate on that. What were the problems in the marriage to begin with? If we know why the wife is so adamant about the divorce we could maybe be of more help.

    Posted by davidhasthecode May 19, 09 12:00 PM
  1. Confused would accurately describe your 2 year old. Think of your child first, always. You're marriage is dissolving, and even at two, a child knows what's going on. Keep it in your pants, move out, and be there for your child. The fact that you had to write to the Globe about this makes me think you are an idiot.

    Posted by Anonymous May 19, 09 12:06 PM
  1. Bette:
    Rico's wife is a Trek. Rico loves her comfortable seat and smooth gears. Her tires are firm and her pump is short and powerful. Rico loves his wife because she is soft Spoken. The handlebar mustache; however, is something Rico would like to correct with electrolysis. Thank you for your interest. Rico could not entertain your cheesy advances because Rico hates Cheetos.

    Gears, not Gas. EVOO, not Trans-Fats. Adam, not Kris.

    Posted by Rico May 19, 09 12:08 PM
  1. First, it wasn't an accident that you got the e-mail. Also, you shouldn't be dating already unless you are trying to make your wife jealous, which is happening. Also you kept asking and she said its over its over. She's just upset because you have someone else already. I've never been divorced but if you are dating someone and technically still married cant she wipe you out even worse than usual. Cover your six man!

    Posted by Beantwon 13 May 19, 09 12:15 PM
  1. LW you are in a messy situation and there's not going to be a simple answer to fix your problems. Your wife is in really bad spot in life and you need to help her get her out of her shell. You made vows to stay together forever so why are you giving up so easily? Why arent you fighting for her?? Never see this girlfriend of yours again. Spend every moment you can with your child. Open your heart, be honest. Speak to a unbiased third party. Talk to her friends, family. Go on a weekend vacation with your wife to talk about things.

    Posted by trueluv4eva May 19, 09 12:15 PM
  1. LW you are in a messy situation and there's not going to be a simple answer to fix your problems. Your wife is in really bad spot in life and you need to help her get her out of her shell. You made vows to stay together forever so why are you giving up so easily? Why arent you fighting for her?? Never see this girlfriend of yours again. Spend every moment you can with your child. Open your heart, be honest. Speak to a unbiased third party. Talk to her friends, family. Go on a weekend vacation with your wife to talk about things.

    Posted by trueluv4eva May 19, 09 12:15 PM
  1. i didn't know 12 year olds could get married, own homes, date, go to counseling, etc.

    oh wait. you guys aren't 12? my bad.

    Posted by loozas. May 19, 09 12:17 PM
  1. Hey Confused,
    Why in the world would you be stupid enough to get married at 28? Now that you are free, it's time to act the way you should have been acting all along. You should be bagging every chick you can, while you can. You're now "dating" someone regularly? Another stupid move. A guy's slogan should always be, "Hit it and quit it! Kick both of them to the curb, find an inexpensive place to live, pay your child support and spend your money on yourself. Don't worry about your living arrangement having to impress any women because they're not allowed over anyway. Always take her back to her place....or no place. Got it?? Next letter you write will be the one thanking me....

    Posted by leykis101 May 19, 09 12:23 PM
  1. Hey Folks. FYI. Tuesday is "Be Your Own Rico" Day. It's an opportunity to post as Rico and come close to living his dream. So go put on your best Rico and have a little fun. Like a tire, he'll be flattered.

    Posted by Topeko (we're not in Kansas anymore) May 19, 09 12:24 PM
  1. Most people are pretty quick to jump on the Confused Dad today. I wonder how much gender bias is going on here? It would be an interesting experiment to start removing all references to gender from future letters, to see if that changes people's opinions.

    I think Meredith is right that there is some passive aggressive behavior going on here. I think no small part of you is trying to get back at your wife by dating. I don't feel you are evil for doing this, though. If what you say is true, then you've had a lot dropped on you. Who knows? Maybe making the wife jealous will make her realize what she's going to loose? That's sounds like your plan, isn't it? I don't think it'll work, but I don't blame you for trying what you can. (As a bonus, you get to have some fun, too). However, you're dating pretty frequently for anyone with a 2 year old to take care of, regardless of your marital status.

    My bigger concern, though, is that I don't understand how you found someone so quickly to date so frequently if you didn't have something "lined-up" before? This may hint to a good reason your wife wants to leave you.

    I do think that if you want to save this marriage you need to lay it all out on the line. You've shown her that you've got other options, now show her that she's the one you really want to choose. If you can't convince her, you need to legally separate, right away, so that you are free to move on in an ethical manner.

    Posted by two sheds May 19, 09 12:30 PM
  1. The only victim is the poor child. Make sure he/she is well taken care of and the rest is not that complicated.The wife doesn't know what she wants. Let Confused move on with life. Check that; she does know and it's not being part of that relationship.Good for you confused.

    Posted by dosmilnueve May 19, 09 12:32 PM
  1. My wife recently left me, I spend 3 or 4 nights a week with our two year old.
    Get your priorities straight.

    Posted by wtlboston May 19, 09 12:47 PM
  1. Oh, two sheds, I'm all about freeing ourselves from gender bias, too, but don't you think that if it were the mother out with her new guy 3-4 times a week, posters would be all over her with the "dereliction of duty to her child" rants?

    Posted by Fresi May 19, 09 12:48 PM
  1. I am never getting married.

    Posted by Unfortunately also named Rico May 19, 09 12:55 PM
  1. I think you are misinterpreting your wife's email. She has every right to be sad that her husband is dating two weeks after you have "separated"! She could be sad about the fact that it is so easy for a 30+ man to find a date, while much more difficult for a woman! She could be sad that you thought so little of the relationship that it was so easy to get right into another.

    Get counseling for yourself. Continue to communicate with your wife. Your wife is at fault as well as she obviously is a poor communicator but you can only do so much - work on yourself and if the two of you can connect again you will. She seems like she is really confused about what she wants so I would encourage counseling for her, but you can only do so much.

    Posted by Joce May 19, 09 01:06 PM
  1. I think he is dating someone else so soon, because he was really hurt by her asking for the divorce. He is trying to find a replacement or someone to distract him or lessen the pain. Its a real tough thing to be dumped.

    Posted by Sad for you May 19, 09 01:08 PM
  1. I seriously think only 4 of you read the same letter I read.

    The wife said it was too late to save the marriage, so he started dating. The wife didn't mind him dating. The wife didn't move out or give him an ultimatum to move out. The guy is, for all we know, still paying the bills and being a good father. What he does outside of the house is now his business.

    Please disperse. There is nothing to see here.

    Oh and Rico, four comments is too much. You clearly are too needy and too ego driven. Methinks thou doth protest too much!

    Posted by Bob Dwyer May 19, 09 01:12 PM
  1. Kudos to 59 for saying what is aboslutely the truth here, I would bet anything. There would be rant after rant about how terrible a mother she is for leaving her child more than half the nights of the week to go out carousing with her new man. Yet here, there are psoters who simply say "it's the wife's fault" when the husband here does this.

    I don't care who wanted the divorce. I don't care that he wants to date (though as I said, dating 2 weeks after the first mention of divorce and while *living with the spouse* is strange). But the sudden, deep, constant involvement with the new girlfriend -- while claiming to want to be with the wife -- and while spending more than half the days of the week with the GF is what shows this to be a real problem with the dad here. He wants the wife, but does not want to give up the GF. And spending more nights with GF than with the kids, so soon! How about helping the child adjust here! How about spending time with the child.

    Posted by j-len May 19, 09 01:14 PM
  1. I don't know how to solve this man's problems, but I do know that we're not doing nearly enough to keep the phrase 'butt show' alive.

    Posted by Rae May 19, 09 01:22 PM
  1. I agree w\#46 - Rico wears a bra, occasionally, and flowered undees....

    Posted by two cents May 19, 09 01:26 PM
  1. I don't get the comments here. We don't know the whole story - if this guy is a selfish, high maintenance jerk, then so be it, your comments are right on. On the other hand, if he's a normal guy and was a devoted husband and dad - and then his wife out of the blue said I want a divorce and there's no chance of getting back together...then that does not make him a bad guy for dating somebody soon. How long is long enough to cry in your room with the shades drawn? If his wife gave him the heave ho, good for him for getting out there soon.

    As for advice - move out asap.

    Posted by Jaime May 19, 09 01:26 PM
  1. Fresi,

    That's a good point. With a child involved, the public probably would be even harder on a mother who was doing the same. However, in that case, people would probably comment on "dereliction of duty", as you point out. Here, most of the comments are on the LW being a jerk for dating so soon (with some concern over the child's well-being). It's still a double standard, even if neither standard is fair.

    Posted by two sheds May 19, 09 01:29 PM
  1. Mr confused, you are obviously an idiot! You say you know that your wife is being passive aggressive, so why are you so oblivious to the fact that she DOESNT WANT A DIVORCE! She just wants you to stop cheating on her, stop treating her like crap, and start acting like a real man, husband, and father.
    She "accidentally" sent you that message?? NO!!!
    She sent it on purpose in another passive agressive attempt to get you to realize her intentions, and the fact that she WANTS YOUR MARRAIGE TO WORK. She just doesn't want to have to tell you how to be a good husband, you are soposed to KNOW. She is using an ultimatum. Prove to her that you want to be with her and that you can be a good husband (if you even can) and then maybe she will admit to what she really wants... To be treated WELL by you. Which I doubt is even possible.

    Posted by meghann May 19, 09 01:45 PM
  1. Are you people serious?! Unless the guy has done something terribly wrong that he is not telling us, to me this sounds like the typical woman. Most women grow up living in a freaking fantasy world. Think about it, they dream about their wedding day from the time they can walk and yet most gusy would opt for a quick wedding at town hall, rather than drop $50k-$75k on a one day event like a wedding. But because most women are morons, they actually think people give a rat's a** about the day they get married. Do you really think people sit around years and years later discussing how amazing so-and-so's wedding was? Get a life ladies, no one really cares about what happens in your life and no one especially care for more than 5 minutes after how your wedding day was. You are not the center of everyone else's universe.

    the point I am getting at, in a very round about way, is most women live in a fantasy world. tehy watch stupid Lifetime movies, crazy soap operas, read dumb magazines like Cosmo, absurd fictionary love novels, etc.... They set these crazy expectations on what their lives, their kids, their jobs, their friends and their husbands should be and when ultimately these crazy expectations are not met they claim to be "unhappy". Than the truly sad stuff happens. Now the woman is no longer a 'girl' and she is single, only to realize she doesn't have any guy interested in her, never mind prince charming. So she then professes that she "enjoys" being single and loves her "independence", all the while trolling match.com and eharmony.com for her 'soulmate'.

    As you may ahve noticed, I often use the term "most" when referringt o women....only because Iwas lucky enough to marry a woman who doesn't buy into all the typical B.S. most women do.

    I'd tell this guy to enjoy beings ingle, find soemone with half a brain and until then date and enjoy safe sex with a smany women as possible!

    Posted by PDW May 19, 09 01:46 PM
  1. This Rico guy is ridiculous. If I were the Editor of this column I'd be pissed.

    Rico, go start your own blog and leave everyone else alone!

    Posted by Bud May 19, 09 01:47 PM
  1. Rico was right, this guy is a tool. Is his name Neil?

    Posted by WTF May 19, 09 01:48 PM
  1. The most important thing in a divorce or divorce-in-the-making is the emotional and mental health of your child. Your problems and your wife's should take a back seat to that.

    Your letter barely mentions your child. What are you - and your wife - doing to protect her/him from being hurt and confused that Mommy and Daddy at are odds and Daddy is seeing someone new?

    Posted by Truman May 19, 09 01:49 PM
  1. I agree with Meredith. I am shocked to think that you believe that it is ok to start dating within a couple of weeks. Regardless of the fact that your marriage just ended and you live with your ex, your actions hardly set a good example for your child. Despite the fact that he/she is very young, kids are much more observant than you obviously realize. If it doesn't work out with your new girlfriend (doesn't she see the red flags surrounding a guy who just split up w/ his wife?!), you will likely move onto another woman. Having a revolving door dating life is detrimental to your child, who should be your priority. Btw, you and your wife have serious communication issues. Regardless of whether you see a marriage counselor or not, you each should see a therapist!

    Posted by Horrified May 19, 09 01:53 PM
  1. I'm with Ldog on this one. She refused to reconcile until she saw him with someone else. On the other hand, I have to wonder if he is using jealousy as a way to get her back.

    Posted by DrK May 19, 09 02:07 PM
  1. I love all the angry, fat housewives on here. So obvious. You are all scared of being dumped by your hubbies for a younger version or you already have been. Get your lazy asses to the gym instead of looking at boston.com all day. You reap what you sew.

    Posted by GFY May 19, 09 02:07 PM
  1. I don't think she wants the relationship. It's very normal for her to be jealous nonetheless. It doesn't mean she wants the relationship back. I think he is an idiot who doesn't really want the relationship either because he's already dating someone else long term. Either that or he is just one of those men who need to be in a relationship all the time. Whatever! The poor kid! That should be the real concern here.

    Posted by Mimi May 19, 09 02:16 PM
  1. I'm shocked at all the judgemental, seemingly self serving comments here. There's clearly a scorned woman bias going on, surprisingly started by Meredith. As several readers comment the wife was the one who shut down and demanded a divorce after apparently being uncommunicative, followed by repeated and rejected attempts by him to at least address the issues and try and salvage the marriage. Where was her effort? Angry is as angry does. I suppose this same lynch mob would be telling him he is not respecting her decision if he single handedly continued to try to reconcile. Do we even know why she wants a divorce? Sounds like she is the one who has some explaining to do.

    But I guess the angry scorned women lynch mob has already started, so why spoil the fun.

    Posted by george May 19, 09 02:18 PM
  1. A man at his wife's funeral becomes hysterical, attempts to leap into the grave and so forth.
    "Calm yourself," says his friend. "Time will pass. A year from now you'll meet somebody else and everything will be all right."
    "A YEAR from now?" screams the husband. "What about tonight?"
    ======
    c. 1938, but perhaps as far back as 1526.
    The more things change....

    Posted by Bony Melon May 19, 09 02:21 PM
  1. It seems to me people are making alot of assumptions, without knowing alot of important details? Did she give him permission to date? Does the child even know he is dating, or even aware the parents broke up? He is going out at night, is he spending time with his child during the day or on weekends? Is the wife dating? Did she possibly leave him for another man? There is just too much critical information missing to really give a proper response.

    Posted by Not Enough Info To Convict May 19, 09 02:21 PM
  1. It's possible that she's sad the marriage is over yet still doesn't want you. She may still love you. She just doesn't LIKE you. Not alot to like. And yeah, I can see her saying 'especially since you've been with someone else. Your window to 'fight' for her was before you needed to get retested for STD's before she'd be with you again. Not too hard for most folks to imagine it's bad form to hook up while mom is watching your kid at the house you still share. It'll happen when you're apart, but at least then you're not being such an ssahole about it. I'd say move out. I dont think you're all that good for her to get back together with. I feel for your kid, though. Poor thing. But she might be better off if you ex remarries and gets another chance at another Daddy.

    .

    Posted by just sayn May 19, 09 02:30 PM
  1. This isnt a good post at all. Meredith, next time post a question where we have all the details.

    Because people are just assuming things that are probably totally false!

    Posted by wasteoftime May 19, 09 02:32 PM
  1. 1. How can you idiots be blaming the divorce on this guy?! You know nothing about their situation. The only think you know is that she is done with the marriage and isn’t interested in getting back together. Confused, don't listen to most of the people posting here, they are all man-hating hags who have repeatedly been dumped themselves and now spend night after lonely night watching Lifetime movies about smart, powerful women who have all been ruined by the bastard men they loved. You ladies aren’t single because you’re miserable people and you look like Rocky Dennis from “The Mask”, it’s because every man in the world is an insensitive d-bag, suuuure.
    2. Maaayyyybe it is a little early to be dating someone else and spending 3-4 nights a week with her. On the other hand, if you repeatedly tried to reconcile with her and she keeps refusing then I don't see why you can't explore other options. Just don't rub it in her (and your kid's) face. There's no rule that says you have to wait a certain amount of time before moving on.
    3. There is no way she accidentally sent you an email; she obviously is a baby and can't express her feelings to you in a direct way. Ignore it, she sucks. Of course she is going to be hurt that you are dating someone else so quickly but you knew that you’d be hurting her as soon as you started trolling http://www. desperatelyseekinggirlswithlowselfesteem.com. It would burn if she starting going on dates as well.
    4. Plan on moving out, soon. See your kid as often as possible and get some stank on the hang low when you can. It’s really the only way you’ll be able to move on. Things will get better, I’m sure someone better is out there. Even the Beast found his Beauty.

    By the way, she is definitely planning to get banged out by some random dude as revenge. Live by the sword, die by the sword holmes.

    Posted by NinjaPlease May 19, 09 02:33 PM
  1. He's an ass. She's still young. Only has one kid. She stil has a chance to meet someone nice, maybe have more kids with them, make her family whole again. He can have his freedom and the kids will forget about him. Maybe that would work out for everyone. Let her leave you. You're not a prize.

    Posted by nice May 19, 09 02:33 PM
  1. "Does the child even know he is dating, or even aware the parents broke up? "LOL! the kids is two. The kid doesn't know what 'dating' or 'broke up' even means!

    Posted by nice May 19, 09 02:36 PM
  1. Reading the responses to these letters keeps me from becoming comatose at my crappy job. Thanks to all!

    Posted by Heather May 19, 09 02:37 PM
  1. There are alot of hypocritical woman on here. If this was written by a woman, you'd all be telling her to move on, go find a real man, or go have some random fun in the sack. One need look no further than previous letters here to see those responses. She dumped him. Maybe as a tactic. It backfired for her. He moved on. You play with fire sometimes you will get burned.

    Posted by JIMBO May 19, 09 02:38 PM
  1. Wow. If the marriage meant as much to you as you seem to claim (you stated numerous times that you wanted to try to reconcile) then you should NOT be ok to be out there dating seriously so soon. While still living with the "wife." You'd be depressed, horrified, crushed, etc. Not acting like your favorite bar closed down so now you have to go find a new one. Stat. If you wanted to try to save your marriage, you would have put your efforts into that, not into dating someone exclusively so soon. I understand that your wife has said she doesn't want to try to save it, but you can't always sit around and wait for someone to give you permission to do something. I'D RATHER ASK FOR FORGIVENESS LATER THEN ASK FOR PERMISSION NOW. I mean seriously, did you ever buy her some flowers? Write her a letter expressing how much she means to you and how much having your family whole means to you? Did you make reservations for two at a nice restaurant? Did you do anything except try to find another hole for your twinkie???????

    I'm not giving you shit because you're out dating someone exclusively 5 seconds after your wife uttered the word divorce, I'm giving you shit because never once in your letter did you mention any attempts or effort whatsoever to save the marriage you claim you want to. All you mentioned is wanting to go to therapy... maybe she can't stand the thought of therapy. You can't claim you desperately want to save something, when the only effort you put in was to mention therapy, keep asking her permission to try to work things out, and then a week later start dating someone exclusively. Did you ever think that she wanted YOU to do something to save the marriage?? Not a therapist...YOU! (I'm not condoning her behavior if she's playing games like that instead of being direct and honest, but you win the prize for idiotic behavior.)

    I think your wife is sad not because she wants you back, but because you tell her you want to save things, but go out a few weeks later and start dating. A lot. Actions are more powerful than words.

    Posted by Are you for real? May 19, 09 02:38 PM
  1. Rico is one of the angry, fat housewives on here. So obvious.

    Posted by JAG May 19, 09 02:41 PM
  1. You women are crazy. Who says this guy doesn't care about his child, or is abandoning the kid? She dumped him. But yet you are attacking him. These women fit the negative stereotypes women have been trying to shake for decades to a tee.

    Posted by Relax May 19, 09 02:42 PM
  1. Confused comes across a little bit dishonest here.

    He may have tried to reconcile, but I suspect the reason the ex wife does not want to reconcile is that Confused has probably been cheating. 2 weeks and he has a new gf? Perhaps this is something in the story.

    Too little facts to make a judgment here. It sounds to me like "confused" wants to paint his ex-wife as an unreasonable and confusing person sending mixed messages. Not that it matters, they are headed for divorce and the "liner-upper-guy" will have a tidy replacement. He just needs to accept with with that will come its own set of problems. Be prepared to get raked over the coals in divorce court, and good luck with your child.

    Should he try and fight for her? What a weird question. If she is the love of his life, and if he truly wants to spend the rest of his life with her AND ONLY HER then that question is a no-brainer. How can you ask somebody if you should fight for her when she already rejected you and is calling for a divorce? If you felt strongly enough you wouldn't have to ask anyone that question.

    Posted by Scott May 19, 09 02:44 PM
  1. #78 .. "scorned woman bias" is an enormous understatement

    WOW! She ended it, she refused to discuss it and she most certainly didn't "accidentally" send the email.

    Posted by party photos May 19, 09 02:45 PM
  1. NinjaPlease- you are sadly sadly pathetic. Where is your sensitivity? Youre empathy towards this person who is deeply confused at his situation?

    You definitely a man, and one that I do not respect in any capacity.

    Posted by Sue May 19, 09 02:45 PM
  1. NinjaPlease- you are sadly sadly pathetic. Where is your sensitivity? Youre empathy towards this person who is deeply confused at his situation?

    You definitely a man, and one that I do not respect in any capacity.

    Posted by Sue May 19, 09 02:46 PM
  1. meredith, you're ignoring about 90% of confused's email.

    He went OUT OF HIS WAY several times to make sure & tell you that he has asked his wife plenty of times about sticking it out, making it work, etc. She keeps shutting him out unconditionally each time. The passive aggressive behavior is solely on the part of this guy's soon-to-be bitter ex, who's friends are also acting in a passive-aggressive manner to try and save things for the two of them.

    It's not "weird" that he's dating another woman, kid or no kid. She shut this guy off unconditionally, stating she has no intentions of staying with him, and this guy isn't supposed to move on with his life and at least start dating? That's ridiculous. I applaud the fact that he's getting an early jump on the dating scene after being the only one to communicate directly during this whole mess.

    Posted by FJ May 19, 09 02:47 PM
  1. Is # 13 (FRESI) unlucky ? #59 FRESI - isn't it ?
    STOP YELLING at RICO trying to coach your dummy's lifestyle here.
    if you do, MEREDITH will have no control on SWEAR words here !!!

    in this case, I would have SLAPPED my friend NINE, HELL THIIRTEEN times
    not once, twice, thrice, FOUR.....!
    RICO#1 - medically it is proven, that even after few hours of giving birth, you can go out on a date. whether the "dating-one" is creating a havoc to another/child/her own health, you can guess !
    RICO#2- {wife's comments " not being fixable and "it's too late" to save the marriage." } It has nothing to do with the kind of marriage vows one makes.
    you can make the marriage vow today, and break it hell next day ! if she was soooo concerned about her vows, why would she ONLY keep commenting day after day, dating guys after guys; that marriage is still not working ?
    RICO#3 - in Marriage, one has to take baby steps not only COMMENTS.
    it is not only making a baby, but take baby steps to make things work.
    RICO#4 - HEY FRYE BABY , are you married ? can you counsel your married freind, if not SNOOP out and check what is she upto
    RICO#5 - if FRYE baby is not married, your are not qualified to help your freind, ask her to go to someone, does she have parents/doctors/ANYONE at all?
    RICO#6- FRYE baby , cry out loud RICO HELP HELP HELP, we will help.
    "unlike you and mom;not create chaos to everyone and call ambulance/strecher for a kneeecap surgery."
    RICO#7- FRYE baby, is she really your freind ? iS She ? or are you just snickering and bickering here on someone else ?
    RICO#8- Frye baby , one last time, call RICO-HELPLINE. it is free.
    RICO#9- FRYE baby, when you do call, be ready to TALK about your friend and REAL REAL juicy data not just "it is a marriage with bumps and twists" !!!!
    RICO #10 FRYE baby, are still a FREIND/COWORKER/Colleague
    with either dad/mom here ?
    RICO #11 :not to establish a relationship here , just to confirm it is not mom's-day-out-with-a-lesbian-talking-today? is it ?
    RICO #12 :TALK to THEM not to RICO !!!!
    RICO #13 :- wht are you trying to PROVE here asking about a mom ?
    Are you asking RICO for HELP ?
    FREE FREE FREE FREE FREE : Anytime, you or your friend needs HELP, let us know. we will be GLAD. not "screaming and scaring the hell out you crap"
    but real HELP!!!!

    Posted by RICO why do you even care to counsel ?doesn't she have ANY FRIENDS at all????? May 19, 09 02:47 PM
  1. People, people, MA is a no fault divorce state, If they are both working he just has to pay child support. If he is the only one working then he will have to pay alimony but only for a limited amount of time. Paying alimony is the least of his problems.

    He truly needs to stop playing games with the new girlfriend, he's not divorced yet so he needs to leave it alone. Get it together before you start really dating.

    Posted by really!!! May 19, 09 02:58 PM
  1. HELLOOOO dont you guys know how to read, he clearly asked his wife billions of times to work things out and he even suggested counseling billions of times, wats wrong with you people, before you gang up on someone get your facts straight gshhhh, he is obviously not at fault and i do understand there is a child in this picture but helllo he is the one that is feeling regected!! screw the wife she dumped him in the first place

    Posted by readpeople May 19, 09 02:58 PM
  1. Dear Ladies:

    Get over it. Stop bashing men. Your feelings and emotions are weak, always have been, always will be. Which is why it is so easy for us to crush you and move on while you sit there and sob and eat bon bons and drink wine to excess alone while reading the Twilight book series and wondering why you can't find a man who is a little pasty, allergic to the sun, but such a hunk when he isn't draining your blood. Let's be serious, you ladies let yourselves go too quickly. When you're single, you're hot. You work harder at the gym, you wear nicer clothes, you get drunker and give it up more easily. Then you find a guy and you try to test him. You uglify yourself. You stop working out so much, your ass gets fat. You stop giving up the poon, and bitching more and more. Suddenly everything is a "test of our love". Screw that. Because honestly, if something younger and hotter were to come along, chances are we would dump you in a heartbeat because you have turned into the ragged old hag you were always meant to be. I know I am rambling here but COME ON. Flowers? They die. Why waste money on something that dies, especially in this economy! Because it makes you feel good and shows we care? You're evil. You're all inherently evil and want to see how far you can make us bend before we break. How about the fact that I will still take you out in public when you are in sweatpants, sans makeup, because we are past the point in our relationship where you are trying to impress us? THAT, is caring. The fact that we even sit in the same room as you complain about work, and your friends, and their boyfriends/husbands (as if it is any of your business), and American Idol results, and reality TV stars- THAT, is caring. So stop taking such insignificant things in life and trying to make them a big deal. You are a nobody. You are a failure to yourself. Remember when you were 21, smoking hot, ready to take on the world? Where have you gone since then? Nowhere. And don't blame men, you're too quick to turn all of this around and call us enablers or the ones holding you back. Suck it up, lose your fat ass, and take some damn responsibility for sucking so damn much and hoping to live in a fairytale, Notebook-esque romance. IT DOESN'T EXIST. And if it does, he is probably gay.

    Posted by DMONEY May 19, 09 02:59 PM
  1. #71 Bud , can you comment on your FREIND here too. RICO is not the one, FOCUS on your FREIND. PLEASE COMMENT on mom/dad here.

    P.S.. you can talk to RICO anytime, stop by for a drink or two, FREE!!!

    Posted by BUD_not_a_buddy_to_his_own_buddies May 19, 09 03:00 PM
  1. I don't see the problem here. He wanted to work things out, she didn't. He's moved on and she hasn't. She should move out since she's the one that ended the relationship though it seems that she's the one that's being passive aggressive and whatever game she's playing simply backfired.

    Posted by cooldude May 19, 09 03:04 PM
  1. Why is it OK to blast Confused for being a bad husband & father and not to rip the wife for her part in this disaster? It takes two to tango. Perhaps if she cared more about being a better wife & mother, she'd try to work it out. Can't say that his decision about dating is anything but horrid. Dumb mistake, but hardly makes everything his fault. They both need to grow up. It stopped being about the both of them when their kid was born. Let's hope the kid has more sense than the parents do.

    It's time to end the games and decide if you two are going to work on this marriage. If you are going to, then get to it. If not then, end the living arrangements and concentrate on your child. If and when you get that settled, then you both can start looking for companionship.

    And meghann, the wife has as much proving to do as he does. She needs to prove to him that she wants to be married to him and that she'll stop playing games and say what wants from him. This isn't a game of charades.

    Posted by Amazed at people stupidity May 19, 09 03:06 PM
  1. #100 - mom,dad,child - you all look leaner and good looking
    but you donot have freinds to help you when you want to SEPARATE and DIVORCE.
    CALL RICO_RICO_HELP_LINE_NOW
    we will help to get a separation or a divorce.
    we will call the referral service too. it is FREE in probate office.

    Posted by SEPARATION_DIVORCE May 19, 09 03:08 PM
  1. #77 - MIMI - are you a LESBIAN freind of MOM here too ?
    whatever, TALK to your friend mom/dad.
    if what you say is true, ask mom/dad/child to get SEPARATED/DIVORCE.
    LET US KNOW.

    Posted by RICO IS GLAD MIMI KNOWS May 19, 09 03:11 PM
  1. #75 - DrK, LDOG
    don't wonder if he is using jealousy to get her back, CONFIRM and tell us.
    also if you really Dr, ask them otherwise to file for a FREE Separation or Divorce in probate office.

    Posted by Drk_we_want_hear_more_from_you May 19, 09 03:14 PM
  1. Sounds like a really messed-up, unhealthy marriage, and it has probably been this way from the start. Two people who truly loved or cared about eachother and their child would never act the way you two do, no questions asked. You both need therapy, and probably shouldn't have gotten married in the first place. I feel bad for your kid. Shame on you both.

    Posted by Jen May 19, 09 03:23 PM
  1. I might note that if the gender roles were reversed-- if the husband had announced that he was tired of the marriage and wanted no part of counseling, and the woman then met a nice single man-- all the women posting here would be cheering her on for asserting her independence and getting back out there.

    Posted by joey May 19, 09 03:23 PM
  1. Dear Confused, having been in a similar postiion I want to asked you, what is your hurry? I see that many of the comments that say go out and enjoy single life, but are you really single yet? It is so true, men jump back in (after a break up) too quickly and women just wait too too long. I also have to ask, what woman in her right mind would date you when you are still married, living with your wife/kids and confused about getting back together with her. I bet she thinks she has a chance with you (that is where I've been). I feel sorry for her mostly. Once you figured out what you want, it won't include her. Watch out how you represent yourself to that "dating" pool. You are not really available, though I am sure you think you are. Be honest.

    Posted by cav May 19, 09 03:28 PM
  1. Your both messed up. If you really loved your wife you wouldn't have been dating so soon. She's messed up because usually you go the counsuling route etc. There obviously is a failure to communicate here. She won't talk to you or try to fix things. You obviously aren't communicating to her because I can't believe this came out of the blue. Unbelievable.

    People stop playing games. When you play games there are always losers. Tangent example. A person I know just broke it off with his girl friend. She was jealous and wouldn't let him talk to girls that were friends of his. She however, would talk to her guy friends and sometimes flirt to make this guy jealous. Well, it did make him jealous, but it also irritated him. She called him a week ago and started a fight over him talking to someone. She then told him she was thinking of calling it off . When he didn't respond she broke it off. She then called him back and said why won't you fight for me? I'm sorry, I don't want to break up. He had had enough and said no. I'm tired of the games. So, why play them.

    Tell the girlfriend that you have to straighten things out. Do not date especially in front of a three year old. Tell your wife your going to counseling and you hope she comes along. She should at least have enough guts to be able to tell you what's wrong even if they issues can't be worked out. Then go at least for yourself.

    Plus no more games people.

    In the mean time do not

    Posted by jojobobo May 19, 09 03:43 PM
  1. #84 - # nice fine. exactly . tell your friend LEGALLY it has to be done too before she can have more kids. Let her leave him. Your friend is not a CATCH either...
    Focus on your lesbian friend.

    Posted by nice_be_more_than_nice_get_legal_help_before_dating May 19, 09 03:48 PM
  1. The only thing I will say is that I don't think it is right to be dating someone else while still living with the soon-to-be-ex and the child. We have no idea what kind of Dad he really is, he busted his butt trying to work things out with the wife and she rejected him and if he wants to date before the divorce is final, who cares? I just think he should have waited they were no longer living together.

    Posted by msg813 May 19, 09 03:51 PM
  1. #91 - Scott - talk more , we want to KNOW.
    Is she just calling for a divorce, or ready for Separation. Can you get her or him - LEGAL HELP and RECONCILATION_TALK too ?

    Posted by RICO wants to know more from SCOTT May 19, 09 03:53 PM
  1. Wow, sounds like DMONEY is PMS-ing!

    Posted by Situation May 19, 09 03:54 PM
  1. D MONEY.... that sir, was a masterpiece!! It's like you somehow sneaked a camera in my head an saw my thoughts. The moaners (mostly women I'm guessing) on here are doing absolutely nothing for the progression of women in the world right now!! Touche Sir.... Touche!!

    Posted by Fair Play May 19, 09 03:55 PM
  1. LOL, Red Sox Fan (#26)!

    Posted by Slash May 19, 09 03:56 PM
  1. i feel he does love his wife and he should dump the girl since he has a child and etc. don't get divorce and try to work things with your wife.. start going to counseling and maybe she will come around ok

    Posted by samoy2e May 19, 09 03:56 PM
  1. Wow DMONEY, you feel better now? Have to admit it, you speak a lot of truth, hope the ladies are listening......

    Posted by KDOG May 19, 09 03:58 PM
  1. #93, #94 Sue,
    Stop commenting on NinjaPlease.
    If you have any REAL data worth hearing about mom/dad/child, comment.
    Otherwise , shut up !

    Posted by Sue_Did_your_freind_sue_her_husband_sue? May 19, 09 04:00 PM
  1. For once I am in Rico's corner. You're dead on, sir.

    Posted by Slash May 19, 09 04:06 PM
  1. #99 - best post ever - anywhere - on any topic. Shold be required reading for all women.

    Posted by GFY May 19, 09 04:07 PM
  1. Meredith - I cannot see all the comments
    is FRYE deleting the comments too ?

    Posted by MEREDITH_INTERVENTION May 19, 09 04:12 PM
  1. Jag,

    I was just thinking Rico is a woman as well. Oh and I am a woman and I agree with the men here. If my husband dumps me unconditionally and without discussion the last thing I'm going to worry about is whether I am "allowed" to date. My business not his at that point.

    Also, how is he automatically not a good father? He never once mentions that he is bringing the new woman home to his kid, does he? Unless he's making his kid call her Auntie then again, his business.

    DMONEY had to laugh at that one but you could turn it right around and talk about husbands fat asses after marriage. Works both ways from what I've seen.

    Posted by Blaze May 19, 09 04:17 PM
  1. LMAO, DMONEY (#99)!
    Nevertheless, 'Confused' is a tool.

    Posted by Slash May 19, 09 04:20 PM
  1. DMONEY !!
    Go ahead now....tell 'em!!
    The comment of the day, my friend....

    Posted by leykis101 May 19, 09 04:22 PM
  1. Advice? Learn proper sentence structure and punctuation.

    That is, unless you actually ARE the Father of: "A two year old who has been married for about 5 years."

    Posted by J.C. May 19, 09 04:48 PM
  1. Waaaa!! Valentino!!!! Loved the Dylan reference!!!

    Posted by Yoshimi May 19, 09 04:52 PM
  1. It looks like the more intelligent responders have happened upon this one late...

    I really can't add to what has already been said. SHE tells HIM she wants a divorce. She confirms on multiple occasions that he can't do anything to reconcile..... END OF DISCUSSION!!!

    JIMBO is right on re: "tactic". Look -- either she actually wants a friggin' divorce, in which case this guy is 101% in the clear, or she's just trying on the all-too-typical "come get me" game, in which case, once again, he's 101% in the right. Many times people highly over-value themselves and, in a fit of severe ego and selfishness, contrive these scenarios where the other person must over-extend themselves to "prove" something to the Lead Experimenter. Some times it works and the selfish person gets the reassurance they so desperately required. More often than not the bluff is called and people end up out on their a$$, but yet, vehement that there's no other way it could have been handled... (You see, this is where that angry, jilted feeling creeps in... Had you been confident and reassured in your actions, you should be happy on the other side. Instead, you're simply left with self-righteous anger to serve as justification for your juvenile actions.......)

    So, if she's not playing the game, then she actually REALLY can't stand him, and REALLY wants to be separated..... So we arrive again at: What the hell is the big deal here?? Oh, that's right -- he's supposed to shrivel into a little ball and forever sit in the corner pining over the only relationship that could ever possibly make him happy or hold any meaning, right?? He's supposed to be lost without her!! He's not playing the preferred role!! HELP!!!!

    These standard over-the-top crucifixions are so comically shallow. They're all based in the same ol' female rage that men don't respond and react to relationships the same way they do. They're either pissed off that he doesn't sit at home and pine over a lost marriage (as all men are SUPPOSED to do) and eventually fade from existence... they're pissed off because there's a kid involved, and as we all know, that automatically makes Dad the jerk in a split, right??

    It's the same reason our society needs to be reassured of pathetic, hapless father figures like Homer Simpson, Peter Griffen, Al Bundy, etc., etc. You need that in place so we can continue this downward spiral of spineless apathy... The broken house cat syndrome. (Continue the ego cuts so he can't grow claws and escape!) Alas, I digress.....

    At the very least, I guess relationships in this society are a very twisted form of entertainment!

    Posted by DJMcG May 19, 09 05:53 PM
  1. Gross. Just too gross. How are these people allowed to have children? Where the heck is the grownup? God, I'm sick of these immature losers. Oh, it's been 10 seconds and no one has given me attention, especially the woman I'm married to wah wah, better go find another immature person for instant gratification. GROSS!!!!

    Posted by yupokay May 19, 09 06:56 PM
  1. Wow. I guess the war between the sexes rages on.

    LOT of hostility here (and I mean in the comments). All unleashed by an anonymous letter to a newspaper.

    Very sad.

    Posted by John Paul May 19, 09 07:22 PM
  1. i had a divorced dad like you -- daddy's needs always came first! i pity your child.

    Posted by all better now May 19, 09 07:46 PM
  1. I want to know why everyone who is separated for whatever reason from their spouse thinks it is the time to play the field and date and fornicate with whomever they want! The purpose of separation is to step back from a committed relationship, reflect on what is currently happening in the relationship, and determine if the relationship can or should be salvaged. It isn't a time to be thinking of dating or starting a new relationship with another person! It is the time to work seriously on the marriage and after time and counseling if it doesn't work out, then you start to consider divorce. Then, once both people in the relationship are sure of divorce and have started legal proceedings, then maybe dating others can be considered. Two weeks after "separating" Confused is dating? Is that fair to the woman he is dating? Or to his still legally wed wife? Confused is a cheater and a coward because he is so afraid to be alone for 2 minutes. Get rid of the girlfriend and work on your marriage and then if it doesn't work out, get divorced and then start dating again. Grow up!

    Posted by kris May 19, 09 07:57 PM
  1. Did Rico go off the deep end? Whose Frye and why is Frye deleting comments?

    DMONEY - thanks for that and for reminding my GF that Am Idol is on. Just kiddin' about the thanks. I had her forgetting and now you mess it up. Here I am all alone in cyberland while she is in the other room with the pupcorn and her two "guys".

    Posted by jamie May 19, 09 08:58 PM
  1. It's so hard to know what's really going on from a short description -- so I won't make any judgements. However, regardless of what happens next, the couple involved has a child, so there will be an ongoing relationship, even if it's not one of husband and wife. Since that's the case, why not go to counseling to be able to have a "better" divorce, with communication and resposible care for the child? If it turns out there's something worth saving wrt the marriage, great -- if not, at least there may be a good chance to save the post-marriage relationship.

    Posted by Stitches May 19, 09 09:03 PM
  1. You broke up about 6 weeks ago and have already been dating someone else 3 weeks... 3 or 4 times a week. Yes, that is SAD. Not in the boohoo way but the pathetic way. And honestly it's kind of disgusting. You need major therapy if you think this is ok and normal. The fact that you don't understand what is wrong with this situation makes me thing you are a dolt. Good luck to ya. You need it.

    Posted by lisa May 19, 09 09:13 PM
  1. It’s a fact that women initiate over 85% of all divorces. This isn’t because women are less happy in marriage than men are; they just know they have an advantages in divorce both financially and regarding child custody.
    if your daddy's needs always came first, is your hubby/will your son the same too ?
    If you fear that something traumatic might happen again, you are experiencing rational regression. Understand that this is a natural reaction to a traumatic event.
    Stop asking "What if something similar happens again?" Remember that something traumatic happened and you got through it. If something else happens, you will get through that too.Don't be afraid to reach out and ask for help from friends, family or a mental health professional.
    else , if hubby is sending mixed messages, it only takes one person to get a divorce, not two. 50% of all marriages end in divorce.
    Truth? Having a baby shouldn’t kill the romance in your marriage. You have created a new life together; this baby is the symbol of your love! It should bring you closer than ever. It did with us, and it can with you – it’s all about priorities and compromise.how to give and RECEIVE.


    Posted by Pity comes from Headmind, is a disguised form of WORRY, and is really based on self-pity. May 19, 09 09:37 PM
  1. Can broken marriages be fixed? Just like fixing anything that involves people, it depends on the answers to some other tough questions. There are three critical questions:
    1. Can the marriage work?
    2. Do the partners want the marriage to work?
    3. Will both partners make it work?

    Posted by Can Broken Marriages be Fixed May 19, 09 09:42 PM
  1. 5 Steps to Mend a Broken Marriage:
    1.Commit to mending it.
    2.Stop the blame game
    3.Figure out what you want
    4.Be nice
    5.Plan a no-baggage vacation

    Posted by Taking the time to get to know them again without the fights and hang-ups and baggage May 19, 09 09:45 PM
  1. We have made it through adultery, it can have a stronger marriage than those who’ve never been tested by the fires of betrayal.
    Once she/he knows the situation:
    Expect an emotional roller coaster that could last for months. It won’t be easy and you need to be prepared for the long haul. This race is a grueling marathon, not a sprint. If he asks you questions about the details of what you've done, answer them truthfully and carefully; try to avoid being overly graphic. Your words will paint the scenes of a video in his mind that she will run over and over again. Answering her questions truthfully are an important part of the process of rebuilding trust.
    When he expresses his pain and/or anger to you over what you’ve done, realize that it’s a necessary part of the healing process. You want him to open up and talk with you about his feelings and disappointment so he can purge his hurt. The worst thing you can do when he expresses himself is defend yourself or try to cut himoff. Be quiet and listen; allow him to express herself, no matter what he says.
    Realize that the old marriage is dead and you need to build a new one.She will begin to trust you again when he sees you’re making consistent efforts to stop acting out with all forms of lust.The worst thing you can do is to try to make sense of this on your own without help.The second worst thing you can do is open up with the wrong person.The goal you’re striving for, when you’re completely ready, is to forgive your wife/husband from the heart.In the midst of all the pain and trauma, there are some silver linings.There is hope.

    Posted by Healing a Broken Marriage From Adultery May 19, 09 09:53 PM
  1. While I appreciate the comments on treating others with respect and kindness, I am not in agreement that the 51% of women who live alone have given up on love. I think that this is more a representation of society accepting different roles for women as well as women viewing different options for themselves.
    While I agree that society is more accepting of singlehood and women have more options (both good), I think the fundamental reason for the increasing levels of separation is selfishness. We live in a day and age where people are conditioned to put their own needs and feelings first and seem increasingly unable to compromise or show real consideration for others.

    Posted by alandofbrokenmarriages May 19, 09 10:00 PM
  1. Marriage is not about love. Love is tied up in lust and sex. Marriage is about relationship and contract.

    Posted by Albin Barry May 19, 09 10:01 PM
  1. I don't blame the women for wanting to be alone. Most 'MEN' these days have the thinking capacity of a worm with a beer belly and with all this online dating crap, just take salsa/ballroom dancing lessons for a year and go out dancing!

    Posted by Melinda Elliiot May 19, 09 10:04 PM
  1. I got out of a bad marriage.NO DIVORCE IS EASY! I was emotionally & psychologically abused for 34 years, and yes, got my heart broken. I'm trying my best to heal. you sound alot like my ex! Ladies, beware! My ex is STILL lying to me, and yes, he DID (&probably still wants to) HURT ME.

    Posted by marion May 19, 09 10:15 PM
  1. Simple solution guys, since feminists dogma dictates you don't matter, DON'T GET MARRIED!!! dont-marry.com, nomarriage.com exist for a reason, sure some marriage are good but if you're iffy about it, just don't do it, You don't want to hurt a woman do you?

    Posted by Michaelquerty May 19, 09 10:16 PM
  1. what concerns me most about how to move on with my wife is how to introduce the concept of bonding-based sex?

    Posted by curiousfellow May 19, 09 10:19 PM
  1. 1. Stop dating
    2. Stop dating
    3. Stop dating

    Be decent. Move out. Take care of your kid. Take time to reflect -- for at least a year and then start dating. You probably won't like this advice. But if you live for instant gratification again you will get the same results! Learn from your mistakes. Don't make your kid pay for them! Not cool!

    Posted by Moriah May 19, 09 10:21 PM
  1. Both of you have to decide that you want to make things work and you both have to learn to communicate with each other. To mem marriage is a promise that you are devoted to that person and that no one can separate the two of you, you are a team and will work together no matter what. You might find someone that you think you may like better or is better looking that the person you decided to marry, but your promise is that the history you have with your partner is more important than a new conquest. It sounds like your husband has already made that decision, you can try explaining to him that he made a promise to you, that he would work through anything with you, that he would love you and try his hardest to be there for you no matter what obstacles life threw in front of you. If that doesn't work than maybe you should consider getting a divorce, there is no point in being with someone who is not going to be there for and with you.

    Posted by Mamacass May 19, 09 10:24 PM
  1. How about having sex often????? It is a good way to manage anger. ;)

    Posted by kathiekaytral May 19, 09 10:30 PM
  1. Iam in the middle of this right now. My husband has severe depression . He has committed adultry and continues down this path. I am living with my parents and trying to find. Something in my heart won't let me give up on him. I believe he is going through a battle with depression. I would do anything to put my marriage back together.

    Posted by BrokenBelle May 19, 09 10:38 PM
  1. Iam so frustrated with these stories, always the same. There are some of us out there aren't living in an ignorant state wonder over why their marriage is in trouble. There are a lot of women, and men, out there who are in severe marital situations who have taken responsibility for the negativity they have contributed. Where are the stories that speak to them? Where is the encouragement to persist for those who ended up in awful situations and have continued to follow, take responsibility, change their own behaviors first, and pray for their spouses?

    Posted by eyeken May 19, 09 10:41 PM
  1. Here's a suggestion. Beginning Experience Weekend.helped me a lot after my divorce.at www.beginningexperience.com

    Posted by mickey May 19, 09 10:46 PM
  1. What is wrong with our society when we view a thirty year marriage as a “failure.” No matter how it ended, that is a success. That was a lot of hard work and dedication. Would we view a 30 year old career that ended due to downsizing a “failure.” We have such outrageous expectations of marriage that instead of looking at a 30 year old marriage as something to be proud of, we view it negatively. That is the problem with our romantic view of marriage. We expect “love to conquer all” and when it doesn't (can it ever??) we view something like 10, 20, 30+ years as a failure. these are dealing with the grief process but maybe they wouldn't feel so badly if society had more realistic ideas of what marriage is to begin with.

    Posted by Dena May 19, 09 10:48 PM
  1. There’s an old saying “Nature abhors (hates) a vacuum“. This means if you don’t relate well with your spouse, it is very easy for you to start a relationship with someone else, so “take heed” - be careful.

    Posted by Shalom May 19, 09 10:50 PM
  1. I think the time is right to make life about YOU. And that means that this man does not fit into your future life. Your responsibility as a mother is over and it is time to pay attention to your soul. So get out of this broken marriage and do not look back. I would not be surprised if men would build a life together.

    Posted by mynikon May 19, 09 10:53 PM
  1. The easy way to end a broken marriage - send a text message.

    Posted by Marcus Tanner May 19, 09 10:57 PM
  1. I think the best way to find the solution is to first find where he stands. From there you can decide whether you've been better off without him or not. This is one of the things you just have to do for yourself, not for the sake of his feelings. I know it sounds a bit cold but I think he'll be better off with someone than really wants to make things work than someone who just pities her.But all in all, Good Luck Buddy!

    Posted by Shenz May 19, 09 11:00 PM
  1. While there is a lot going on here, you can't just say, since she said she wants a divorce that he is free to do what he wants. Saying she wants a divorce doesn't make it happen. They are still married. Now he has technically cheated and she has more ammunition in the divorce and any custody battle.

    Clean up the mess and behave responsibly - to your wife, your child, yourself and the new girl (with whom you should break-up for now).

    Posted by HK Phooey May 19, 09 11:24 PM
  1. YOU GO MAN!!!!!! IF the wife doesn't want to try to save the marriage, SCREW HER!!! If I were this guy I'd be doing whatever would make me happy. If that means dating, then so be it. Who gives a s#%t what his ex-wife feels. After all, he tried to save the marriage, but she didn't want to, so too bad for her. As for the kid, I'm sure the father has his best interests in mind

    Posted by aj May 19, 09 11:38 PM
  1. If the man wants the divorce, he's throwing in the towel. If the woman wants out, she's taking care of herself. I'm not so sure the Love Letter Mixer is a great idea. Resentment runs high among it's minions. Nothing ignites fury like the agony of distrust. ..like Hatfield's v. McCoy's.

    Posted by val May 20, 09 12:00 AM
  1. The surface behavior is classic unfulfilled/unhappy wife syndrome (five years of marriage, wanting out of the relationship, I'd say there's a very real chance she's cheated, whether or not he has). Chances are she can't articulate what
    is making her unhappy and attempts by the husband to reconcile (or attempts by the husband to follow traditional avice about how to repair the relationship will repulse and/or anger her and make her want out all the more.
    On the other hand, the dating might help salvage the relationship by making the husband more interesting to the wife. The husband should absolutely refuse to apologize for or 'explain' the dating and she might propose trying to fix things.
    But unless that initiative comes from her it won't work.

    Posted by Cliff May 20, 09 01:50 AM
  1. @ #65 Rae... LOL, I was thinking the exact same thing!!! Sorry I won't be including it in my post.

    @ #117 John Paul: "Wow. I guess the war between the sexes rages on.
    LOT of hostility here (and I mean in the comments). All unleashed by an anonymous letter to a newspaper.
    Very sad."
    Too true, too true. What happens all too often is judgment and finger-pointing at "jerks who think with their 'twinkies' and "'inherently evil' women". Obviously problems aren't going to be solved overnight, but instead of immediately blaming others (or the "other gender"), why can't one use some time for reflection, maybe figure out his/her own contribution to the problem... to avoid repeating mistakes in the future? And consider everything on a case-by-case basis instead of making this a man vs. woman war. Difficult to do with a Love Letter, to be sure, esp. when the writer leaves out information. I hope he's not further confused by all of our comments.

    Normally you hear this advice: if your spouse won't join you in couples' counseling, go alone! If LW thought counseling was the best option, he probably should have gone by himself. He could have gained insight from a third party on various aspects of his marriage, maybe discussed better ways to communicate with his wife (to reconcile OR to proceed with divorce), or been advised to move the heck out ASAP in the first place! Who knows. He may be using this new girlfriend for emotional support, as well as his other needs, but unless she IS a therapist, I think he's focusing his energy in the wrong place. (I doubt she is... or she may end up needing therapy herself. Yikes.) Maybe he ought to be apartment-hunting to start that new, independent life, or, as other posters have mentioned many a time, hiring a baby-sitter and whisking his wife away for a weekend in the Poconos. Or maybe just the baby-sitter and some good face-to-face discussion. And some tissues.

    Posted by inherently evil May 20, 09 06:29 AM
  1. Rico wants you to know something:

    Rico is a GUY, A MAN, A REAL LIVE STRONG MAN. He happens to have been through a lot of different things in his life as have many of his friends and family members growing up. He also happens to be very well educated (not a great typist) and in touch with his and others feelings. He is a no excuses kind of guy and admits his mistakes, he is thoughtful and caring and sees the world through rose colored glasses. Yes, Rico wants everyone to be honest and decent and his wife thinks at times that he is naive to think this way. Long story short, Rico is a guy.

    Love always,

    Rico

    Be the Bike!!!

    Posted by Rico May 20, 09 08:46 AM
  1. I think Rico is hysterical, infact I think Rico could give advice to lots of people.
    Rico I think you are right on about this fella and maybe this man needs to look back at his life and his marriage with pure honesty to see where and when things became un fixable and to see what role he might have played in it. I am an endearing woman but I must say that when a situation becomes too much for me and when I feel like there is no hope, I simply give up. Maybe this man needs to take a real honest look at his relationship and see where his wife gave up. Also- your kids need you, be a man. Dating 4 x a week is too excessive and is damaging for your kids, you might not think so, but speaking as an adult who grew up in a similar household, it has lasting effects and will destroy whatever relationship you have with your kids. Take some time to work on you, and put off on relationships if the one you are in is not working, there is a problem, and it takes two people to create a problem. Figure out what your role is and work on it, because chances are you will encounter the same problem in your next relationship.

    Posted by Jen May 20, 09 10:59 AM
  1. I can't believe some of these comments here. Here are the facts about his marriage as we've been told:
    1. SHE wants out of the marriage
    2. SHE wants out of the marriage
    3. He has suggested rescuing the marriage
    4. But no, SHE STILL WANTS OUT OF THE MARRIAGE!!!!
    Everyone seems so intent to condemn this guy because he seeks the comfort & companionship of a woman. That comfort & companionship should be coming from his wife - but no, she wants to bail on him - probably for another man (Sorry people, NO WOMAN leaves a marriage without someone else waiting in the wings). Hubby has every right to do what makes him happy after being being betrayed by the one he committed his life to. The child will be better off because his father will be happy. I know this because I'm living it myself - right now.

    Message to the wife: You're either in or your out - there's no purgatory. If you want to bail on your family, go away quietly and live with the consequences of your decision.

    Posted by BUZZY KNOWS May 20, 09 11:17 AM
  1. I want to thank Mr Rico for his advice these past few weeks...he is a GENIUS. I started biking to work, joined a gym, picked up flowers for my wife on my way home, etc... And I have to say, I feel better and my relationship couldn't be better. My wife and I are grateful for his insporation and look forward to reading more. Don't listen to the critics, just keep writing what you want, some of us truly appreciate it.
    Thank you!

    Posted by Huband and wife Rico fans May 20, 09 02:46 PM
  1. It's possible that Confused started dating just two weeks into the separation not for companionship but to provoke jealousy in his wife. I agree with Meredith that there appears to be a fair amount of passive-aggressive behavior in this relationship, likely coming from both partners. Best to step back, go to individual counseling to sort out the emotions involved (both current and long-standing), and proceed slowly from there. Maybe the marriage can be saved, and maybe not, but in any case, it's pretty clear that the current dynamic (living with wife and child, while dating someone else 3-4 times a week) is not going to work.

    Posted by Terminater5 May 20, 09 09:37 PM
  1. #151 Buzzy - right on!

    With just 5 years of marriage, gotta wonder what goes through people's heads.

    We are a seriously f*d up culture. I wish I knew why people are so careless with thier lives and think nothing of putting people through emotional torture with things like betrayal and abandonment.

    Seems like self-respect, decency and responsibility are traits that are nowhere to be found in today's relationships. Nobody gives a sh** about anything but themselves.

    Another perfect example of 'it's all about me'. I do feel like the guy is in a no-win situation here, but he needs to end the marriage, figure out what is best for the child and THEN figure out where and how a woman can fit into his life. Children are work and children from divorce have added pressures. People do stupid things when they are emotionally strung out - we can forgive this guy for his stupidity in wreckless dating. Can't forgive the wife for being a heartless jacka$$.


    Posted by marj May 21, 09 10:46 AM
  1. To the people who are painting the guy as the bad party:

    1) The wife decided that even though she has 2 year old baby that she wants a divorce! She decided to be irresponsible.

    2) The wife is adamant about ending the marriage. You are imagining that she might not really want to end it. You are imagining.

    3) His dating is a blow to her ego. She still doesn't want him. But she wants the satisfaction of knowing he can't live without her. The ladies here want the same.

    Posted by Randall Parker May 23, 09 01:34 PM
  1. #99 reallly,

    Why do you assume that she would get custody of the child? Because she's the mom?

    That's very sexist of you.

    Posted by Mikey "Insane" Monkeypants May 27, 09 12:35 PM
 
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Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.

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