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Allergic to "grilled cheese"

Posted by Meredith Goldstein  June 2, 2009 09:30 PM

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A disclaimer from Meredith: When this letter arrived in my Love Letters InBox, it was too risqué to post on Boston.com (we’re a family website, after all). But because I believe the reader’s question is valid and worthy of our discussion, I’ve decided to post it -- with all of the writer's R-rated phrases replaced by my G-rated euphemisms. I'm asking that you use my euphemisms in your comments so I can post them. I love a good euphemism, don’t you?

Q: I am a 30 Year old male. I have been dating a wonderful woman for 2.5 years
. I would describe everything about her as perfect except for one thing. She absolutely refuses to [make me a grilled cheese sandwich]. Now I want to ask her to marry me, but the thought of going the rest of my life without receiving [grilled cheese sandwiches] is definitely a worry. I fear I may resent her eventually, or possibly feel the need to seek [grilled cheese sandwiches] out somewhere else when enough time has passed. It has already been 2.5+ years since I last experienced a [grilled cheese sandwich]. It is starting to consume my thoughts. I don't know if this one thing is enough to be a deal-breaker. Everything else is perfect. I don't know what to do!

-- [Needing Grilled Cheese], Boston

A: NGC, have you talked to this woman about why she’s so opposed to grilled cheese? Do her reasons seem valid and specific (past trauma, health issues, etc.)? Is there any room for negotiation? Has she always been opposed to grilled cheese or is it just specific to you?

You must tell her that the lack of grilled cheese is standing in the way of your commitment. I know it’s difficult to say – it sounds so petty and selfish -- but I’m here to tell you it’s a valid concern. You’ve probably heard this before, but disagreements about sex and money are usually what end relationships. If you’re resenting her now, fast forward 10 years. It will get worse.

Grilled cheese sandwiches are awesome. Especially with tomatoes and fancy cheese, like Brie. But some people would rather eat them than make them. And some people are allergic to them and can’t go near them.

But you’re not allergic. You like them a lot. If your girlfriend can’t come up with a grilled-cheese compromise, yes, to quote the wise Liz Lemon, this may be a deal breaker, ladies. Is the rest of her perfect enough to balance the sexual incompatibility?

Readers? Am I wrong? Can one live without grilled cheese if it’s their favorite food? Should a 30-year-old have to make that sacrifice? Share your thoughts here. And remember -- be respectful, G-rated, and thoughtful. Not like I need to ask. You guys are pros.

-- Meredith

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370 comments so far...
  1. If he absotutely can't survive without grilled cheese, and it's definitely not on her menu, then it's time to go to another restaurant.

    Short of that, as M said, he needs to understand why she won't prepare his dish. Has she tried making it before? If so with him or someone else? What was the drawback?

    But if there is no compromise (perhaps using lite cheese or not having to do the post cooking clean-up?) then this is important enough to, as I said, send him to another restaurant.

    Posted by Alvin June 4, 09 10:44 AM
  1. I have a friend for whom the idea of fixing GCSs is out of the question. I guess we could call her a vegan. A Grilled Cheese Vegan, if you catch my Vegan euphemism. For her, it was some "ick" factor. Her husband married her anyway, so I hope he's on this blog.

    I agree with Meredith in everything she said, but would add the following questions....oh, dear....#1 Is the kitchen spotless? #2 Do you fix sandwiches for her? #3 Have you asked her why she refuses to fix GCSs for you? Because "refuses" is a pretty strong word.

    I would say hold off on the proposal till the cooking passes muster.

    Posted by Jasper's pet June 4, 09 10:52 AM
  1. Mere is right on with this advice: you have to talk to her, you have to tell her that this is a part of intimacy that you enjoy, that you do not want to be without. Don't yell or scold, but you have a right to hear why she has this blanket refusal. And you have a right to expect your partner to be willing to make an effort to meet your needs for intimacy.

    Not everyone likes grilled cheese. But everyone has a right to be with someone who is sexually compatible. And everyone ought to make an effort for their partner. Your partner needs to try. If she is not willing to, then you may need to seriously reconsider how "good" this relationship is. . Wanting sexual compatibility is not silly or trivial. It is big.

    Posted by jlen June 4, 09 10:56 AM
  1. Do you do grilled cheese sandwiches for her? If not, why? If so then her lack of grilling your cheese is probably a deal breaker considering that you are already worrying about it and letting it consume your thoughts.

    Posted by Cheese-R-Us June 4, 09 10:59 AM
  1. I absolutely detest making grilled cheese. My husband enjoys it, so from time to time, I put his needs first and make him the best darn grilled cheese I can - no halfhearted "are we there yet", I convince myself that I am going to enjoy it because it is pleasing to him. He appreciates that I give it a great shot, and can deal with the fact that he doesn't get grilled cheese on a very regular basis, because when he does, well, it's good.

    One factor of any successful relationship is that each party is willing to put their partner's needs ahead of their own sometimes. I know committed vegetarians who will cook meat for their carnivorous partner, why would this be any different? LW, if your partner can get over her own distaste, please respect that it's not easy for her, and try to appreciate the grilled cheese, even if it's only a few times a year. And maybe find out if there's something SHE would really enjoy that she's not getting (in bed or not) and reciprocate.

    Posted by akmom June 4, 09 11:00 AM
  1. Ok well it is consuming your thoughts so you need to tell her what is going on in your head or else you end up in a Hugh Grant situation and nobody wants that.

    Get to the bottom of why she's not into making grilled cheese sandwiches for you. Some women have had bad experiences or most likely, she doesnt feel like she has the confidence in making good cheese sandwiches. If that's the case, give her positive reinforcements and some gentle instructions. Keep trying and maybe she'll come around and learn to enjoy cooking them for you. It's a known fact that men want a lady in the streets but a freak in the sheets. She should know this already but some women were raised to be uptight sexually. Keep telling her how much you love her and that you want to spend the rest of your life together. Work on creating trust and raising her comfort level in the bedroom. Hopefully you are making sandwiches for her or this advice is null & void!

    Posted by trueluv4eva June 4, 09 11:03 AM
  1. To "Croque Monsieur" in Boston,

    She absolutely refuses to make grilled cheese sandwiches? I don't know about your cooking history, but after 2.5 years you must be pretty comfortable in the kitchen together, right? There must be some deeper reason for her aversion to making grilled cheese. Discussing it with her openly and honestly, especially if you're considering marriage, is the way to go! Maybe you just need to teach her HOW to make grilled cheese, or maybe there's another kind of sandwich you two can make together? You might want to bring up other culinary topics at the same time, because if you do get married, you will be cooking together quite a lot - and the same dishes over and over could lose their appeal. Do you make BLTs for her? Do you like to try spicy new recipes? Would you ever consider taking cooking classes together?

    This discussion may be best accompanied by some delicious treats and maybe a glass of wine. Good luck & I hope you find a tasty solution!

    Posted by beth June 4, 09 11:06 AM
  1. (I could barely sleep last night waiting for this post.)

    I love making grill cheese sandwiches for my man, but that hasn't always been the case. I was never traumatized, I just didn't know how to make them. I mean, quite honestly, they aren't the easiest thing in the world to make, especially toward the end.

    One thing you can do is start by making a triscuit with a little melted cheese on top. These are easy to make and yummy to eat -- indeed, bit size food is all the rage these days (amuse bouche is the correct culinary term right?). Later, you can graduate to half sandwiches and have fun with those until she's ready to make a whole one. Also, make sure that when you graduate to the whole sandwich, she's well aware of how fast or slow it takes for you to finish it.

    As far as the reason for her unwillingness to make a sandwich, you must talk to her about it sensitively or risk losing meals of any kind. Tell her how great a cook you think she is. Go over the top. Call her culinary skills legendary. Flattery goes a long way in the cooking department. Mention how much you love grill cheese and how you think the addition of one now and again will really improve your overall enjoyment of sharing meals with her.

    Also, you MUST make sure you're cooking her her fair share of open-faced club sandwiches. A successful dining experience requires a lot of give and take.

    Also, I must mention there are a lot of online cooking classes if you need help with instruction. That said, man am I hungry.

    Posted by Sally June 4, 09 11:07 AM
  1. Do you make grilled cheese for her? If not, you can't really get upset if she doesn't make you any.

    Posted by Meg C. June 4, 09 11:09 AM
  1. Congratulations on finding out now. I, on the other hand, got used to having grilled cheese sandwiches made for me on a daily basis for over five years. Then I married the cook and it became a special occasion treat for the first year. For the last 7 years, grilled cheese has not even been on the menu. I've learned that the cook feels that after all these years of honing her craft, she's now become too refined and sophisticated to dabble in such menial entrees. To compensate, I have simply introduced new ingredients and exotic entrees or gone off of the menu. In certain situations, you'll find that all of the cook's specialities and offerrings are not necessarily printed on the menu.

    p.s. I'd say that 80% of my peers have seen the gas station that they bring their vehicle to, downsize from a full service facility to barely more than self service facility within 2 years of officially forming the partnership.

    Posted by Hoss June 4, 09 11:11 AM
  1. Oh my fellow grilled cheese loving friend,
    Run and then run some more. You are a saint or quite possibly Buddha for making it this long!! 2.5 years?? Holy sh** most men can’t make it 2.5 days!

    There are plenty of ladies who love making the grilled cheese. Find one. And make as many grilled cheese sandwiches as possible. In the car. Taking a shower. Trying on some new swim trunks. Jury duty. Christmas shopping… And then payback the love of course.

    Ladies… This is a deal breaker!

    Posted by yep June 4, 09 11:15 AM
  1. I think this one is pretty easy. Takes a bit of "work" on your part first, but something tells me you won't object to the work. Openly discuss her sexual fantasies. Communicate in an adult manner about what REALLY turns her on, then do it for her (more then once). Then take her out on a great date, get her home, all hot and bothered, then pause in the middle and explain about your hottest fantasy (your need for grilled chesse). I bet she'll comply. If she does, show and tell her how important it was for you and complitiment her on how well she makes grilled cheese and my guess is that she'll get over her fear of cooking them. Perhaps she's burned them in the past?

    Posted by TD June 4, 09 11:17 AM
  1. Dump her. First no grilled cheese, then no side of tomato soup, then no fries...

    Within 5 years, you'll be lucky if you get the occasional saltine with luckewarm tap water

    And i'm a girl writing this--I know how my fellow femmes can work sometimes--no sour grapes here!

    Posted by E June 4, 09 11:21 AM
  1. I agree with Meredith. The thought of never having a grilled cheese sandwich for the rest of my married life would be too much to bare and would stand in the way of my making a commitment to a marriage partner. Giving and receiving a great grilled cheese is one of the greatest gifts one can give to one's beloved. Just seeing the satisfaction on their faces after having one is worth the extra work.
    Could the problem be related to upbringing and Church Doctrine which considers anything outside of procreation an abomination? Did your GF get burned making a grilled cheese somewhere in her past?
    Don't settle for less because we don't want to see your face in the morning paper some time down the line, "Man arrested for receiving a grilled cheese sandwich in his car on Mass. Ave".

    Posted by exvermonter June 4, 09 11:23 AM
  1. "I know it’s difficult to say – it sounds so petty and selfish -- but I’m here to tell you it’s a valid concern."

    it may sound selfish of him, but what about her? maybe he's been making her grilled cheese sandwiches all these 2.5 years. it's totally fair to expect some reciprocation. i think Needing Grilled Cheese should definitely talk to his lady about her aversion. Even if she's scared of not being a great cook, that's what practice is for. Then no one goes hungry :)

    Posted by kdk June 4, 09 11:24 AM
  1. Grilled cheese sandwich is hysterical.
    I wish NGC stated why GF hated grilled cheese so much. Regardless, I think he already knows the answer to his question because he said he's already worried about starting to resent her. Finding it elsewhere is NOT the answer...

    Good luck getting your fill of grilled cheese. We wish you the best!

    Posted by bgcomreader June 4, 09 11:24 AM
  1. Wow, tough one to answer without knowing the reason behind her reluctance to make the sandwich! It's certainly possible it has something to do with past trauma or negative associations. Or maybe she's just never made one before and is afraid you'll hate it. Or maybe she's made one before and been told that it really didn't taste very good. Or maybe she just thinks grilled cheese sandwiches are gross and doesn't understand why you can't just be satisfied with, say, turkey on rye? Whatever the reason, this is an issue that needs to be addressed in a non-threatening way at a non-treatening time (NOT when you and she are already in the kitchen). If she doesn't understand the gravity of the situation, you need to make her aware, gently. Don't serve her an ultimatum, but explain to her how it is effecting your relationship. If she is reasonable and wants to make you happy, she will acknowlege how important it is to you (even if she doesn't fully understand why) and be open to exploring her discomfort. If she's not willing to even go that far, that tells you something about what she may be like as other difficult issues arise in your relationship. Then you will need to decide if her inflexibility (and a lifetime moratorium on grilled cheese sandwiches) is something you can live with.

    Posted by Rae June 4, 09 11:24 AM
  1. Meredith, what is this grilled cheese sandwich? Since it involves three, is it what the French call menage-a-trois? Or is it, more likely, blowing the trumpet?

    Posted by The Dude June 4, 09 11:25 AM
  1. Are you serving her grilled cheese sandwiches? I dated a guy who loved my grilled cheese sandwiches but would never serve one to me. That got old pretty quick and I can feel your pain. Or hunger.

    Posted by stacy June 4, 09 11:28 AM
  1. Beej-
    Prediction: By the end of the day, the Bad Boys of Love Letters will be citing Wayne Bobbit’s Daily Affirmations: “I’m wood enough, I’m tart enough and doggonnit, people bite me.” Listen, Beej, let’s not put the mine before the shaft (John Shaft, can you dig it?). First, let’s make sure the fromage isn’t Camembert de Normandy, but more of a Pineapple Wiz. May I suggest the ingestion of pineapple in the days prior to your Penile Panini? It’s like a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down. I’m not sure if your lady has an issue with the bread, the condiments or both. If it’s just the filling, she can complete the sandwich by hand. However, if the wrap’s the issue, I don’t care how kosher your dog is…she doesn’t relish the wiener. And all this is a moot point anyhow. The stinky cheese is supposed to get you to marry her. After that, your wife’s lactose intolerance will likely be pervasive in your life.

    Posted by valentino June 4, 09 11:41 AM
  1. I used to refuse to make grilled cheese sammys before my last boyfriend. I had a big ick factor, but also was afraid that I had passed my prime learning time (I was 24 before ever making one before) and didn't want to embarrass myself. My BF really enjoyed the grilled cheese sandwich, so he sat me down and asked for one. I told him I was flat out nervous and said to take advantage on a night that I had a little too much & didn't feel pressured. We also agreed that grilled cheese sandwiches would be an appetizer and not the main dish. So one night after too many Stoli Raz & Sprites, he gave me that knowing look and I got to cooking. After, he said it was the best grilled cheese sandwich and said he would love another when I was ready. The compromise worked for us both and eventually I enjoyed making grilled cheese sandwiches just as much as he enjoyed getting them.

    Posted by HellzBellz June 4, 09 11:45 AM
  1. 1. Clear off the countertops. Completely. No one likes to cook in a cluttered kitchen area. Mach3 is a great tool for accomplishing this task.

    2. Clean the entire kitchen. Even if the grilled cheese is made in front half of the kitchen, sometimes during the preparation of the sandwich, you will want the cook to roam around. Apply Gold Bond under the appliances and around the back door of the house. Gold Bond is king.

    3. Spritz cologne immediately above where the grilled cheese is made. This gives the cook a more aromatic and pleasant cooking experience.

    4. Lay out an assortment of condiments and toppings that could be experimented with to see if it makes the cook more excited and willing to make the grilled cheese. Both the cook and the person for whom the grilled cheese sandwich is being prepared for will enjoy creativity in the kitchen.

    Posted by Joss June 4, 09 11:46 AM
  1. "#1 Is the kitchen spotless?" Jasper's pet -- that's a good question! LOL...

    It would be REALLY helpful to know WHY she refuses to make grilled cheese sandwiches. Do you talk about this all the time or constantly ask for it? If you do, that's annoying and could possibly cause her to NOT want to do it even more. I used to be with someone who used to bring it up or ask for it all the time and it got to the point where it started to gross me out. We'd be "in the kitchen" and suddenly it was "you wanna make grilled cheese, you wanna make grilled cheese, you wanna make grilled cheese".... eew, don't be a tool about it! Now I'm very happily married and it's not a problem at all b/c he doesn't act like a moron about it!

    Posted by GrilledCheeseExpert June 4, 09 11:48 AM
  1. Some people might think it's shallow of someone to be willing to make something like, uh, grilled cheese sandwiches the relationship dealbreaker. And those might be the people who aren't crazy about grilled cheese themselves and can't understand why it matters so much to someone else. Maybe the girlfriend in this case is one of those people.

    The analogy is pretty apt - maybe it would help to use it in talking to her. Think of something you find yummy, and consider what would happen if someone told you that you could never have it again. Whether or not she thinks it's trivial, the point is that you don't, and it's not really fair to tell you that you should stop finding it so important. Maybe this is one of the fundamental reasons why everyone says that relationships take work. Sometimes it takes doing something (or not doing something) that makes the other happy, even if it's not ideal to you or you don't really understand why it's important to them.

    But I doubt it would work for either of these two to have grilled cheese given freely, or none at all. If (as Meredith said) she hasn't undergone some trauma or health issue that makes it absolutely out of the question for her, maybe she can compromise. Would she be willing to make a small sandwich, as an appetizer for something she finds tastier? (Maybe she a problem with actually finishing the sandwich, if I'm understanding this analogy correctly.) Or maybe she could suggest something that will make it easier for her.

    Whatever the compromise, be open to it, even if it's a little less than ideal for you. And make sure you don't take it for granted - it could help her to enjoy it more if you make it clear how much you appreciate it. Maybe you could make her a PB&J after, if that's what she likes. ;)

    Posted by Liz June 4, 09 11:49 AM
  1. definitely a deal breaker some discussion is required. i know i would be horribly unhappy with my love life for the rest of my life if i had to live without grilled cheese sandwiches. plus making them for others can be fun. ps i'm female

    Posted by my2cents June 4, 09 11:57 AM
  1. Hoss, you need new peers. Marriage shouldn't be the end of grilled cheese sandwiches, not even with the same chef at the oven. Unless there's a messy kitchen.

    Flexibility in pleasing one's partner is key. NGC, are you being a jerk about the grilled cheese? Might she feel it's degrading? There are things you can say and do to make her feel more in control, and less like an automatic grilled cheese provider... the kind you might see online.

    Posted by penelope June 4, 09 11:58 AM
  1. Rico's grilled cheese is made by a third person...

    Posted by justlikemetheylongtobeclosetoyou June 4, 09 11:59 AM
  1. I love to make grilled cheese for my husband, but a joint problem keeps me from being able to grill them to a nice, crispy, golden brown. After a lot of discusiion and tears, now we just make sure the cheese is melted and then move on to another dish. It is the best compromise we could come up with, but he doesn't complain anymore!

    Posted by AG June 4, 09 11:59 AM
  1. Could I just say, making a grilled cheese sandwich at the end of a day is such an effort, especially when the day has been long and frankly, you'd just like to get some sleep.

    It is especially effort-ful when you THINK you are going to get some sleep, and then as you lay your head down and start to drift off, someone asks you "Hey, will you make me a grilled cheese sandwich?" Oh dear gawd didn't I do enough for you today?

    And we know, at the end of a day (and let's clarify this to a work day) only one of us is going to get a grilled cheese sandwich. Because, the maker of the sandwich would just like to get some sleep for kee-rist sake didn't I just tell you that work laid off 15% of the employees and that I got a parking ticket? We don’t want you to make us a grilled cheese sandwich right now! We would’ve liked it if you chopped the veggies for dinner or cleaned up the table, but you didn’t “understand” that...

    However, let me backup a little and say that if the request for a grilled cheese sandwhich is made early in the day, as in “Have a good day at work honey, I would love it if you made me a grilled cheese sandwhich tonight,” there is a much greater chance of said sandwhich being made.

    Just trust me on that.

    Posted by Carolyn June 4, 09 12:01 PM
  1. Goodness, there is nothing like whipping up a quick grilled cheese sandwich for reassuring the hubby that you like him. I agree with Meredith and I too would like to ask the questions that Jasper's pet did. I myself like to work in a spotless kitchen and try variations on the basic recipe. And I like the time to get it just right. (Nothing worse than a burnt GCS). And I've found it a practical dish for more than 25 years.
    And hubby is more than willing to do his fair share of GCS making. And despite my nom de plume, I think that the euphemistic terms here worked.

    Posted by Lain the Blunt June 4, 09 12:05 PM
  1. hmm maybe i am missing the point here and this isn't about "grilled cheese".. but why dont' you just make it your own d3mned self? compromise.

    Posted by Linda June 4, 09 12:06 PM
  1. Funny, I could have written this note myself as it fits a similar situation that I am having with my gf. Because I am a lover of a good grilled cheese, actually the last cook I dated probably made the best grilled cheese I have had... However, the new cook I'm dating literally is the love of my life so early on in our relationship I gave her a great grilled cheese over 30 minutes of cooking time. She was going crazy and I thought that a return was coming, but then no grilled cheese. I didn't ask then but the next time we cooked if she had an aversion to making grilled cheese. Turns out she never has before and is nervous of her cooking skills but was open to the experience and I'm now teaching her how I like mine cooked! Awesome.

    Posted by masterchef June 4, 09 12:11 PM
  1. Tough luck Man. I've been there. Now I've got myself the Iron Chef of Grilled Cheese. I'm not saying ditch her, but lifes alot more fun when theres a Grilled Cheese waiting for you when you get home from a hard day.

    Posted by Uncle Donny June 4, 09 12:11 PM
  1. Agree with theDude, a more appropriate euphenism was needed -- if we stick to food, it could be about carrots, pickles, bananas or hot dogs.

    Posted by Alvin June 4, 09 12:13 PM
  1. Grilled cheeses are the best, especially when she has tomato soup. waka waka.

    Posted by anonymous June 4, 09 12:26 PM
  1. Is it too late for a new euphemism? I just read the others' comments and then went downstairs to ask my teenaged son, who's home from school because of "fake swine flu," what he'd like for lunch. You Guessed It. I responded, Oh, you are SO having a PBJ today!! (Hey, "PBJ" would have been a pretty good euphemism, too!) Everyone is so clever with their comments that I think you should incorporate a new euphemism every week, Meredith.

    I recommend that fans of the Grilled Cheese watch the old SNL skit with Janet Jackson about a vineyard that has a lot of "cork soakers." Way too funny.

    And thanks, Val: I've had a can of pineapple sitting around for a while. Gonna open it tonight for the hubster's dessert.

    Posted by Jasper's pet June 4, 09 12:27 PM
  1. Seriously? She is perfect except for this?

    You are already admitting you will be tempted to look for this somewhere else.

    I don't think you should marry anyone. You are selfish. You need this? What is wrong with you?

    Posted by swfoutsida June 4, 09 12:31 PM
  1. I love making grilled cheese but my BF also refuses to return the favor. He says that he has never done it before and is not interested in learning how. SOOO....I made him a few grilled cheese dinners and won't make him another until he atleast attempts to make one for me. So far, it's not working....BUT I don't resent him and I love him enough to let this one issue go.....for now!

    Posted by ladygaga June 4, 09 12:34 PM
  1. Dude.............. come on, now... You should know the answer here... The grilled cheese ain't happening, and even if she did grudgingly stumble into the kitchen, you know it's going to taste horrible anyway!! Women have to actually appreciate making grilled cheese in order for the void to be filled... you know this.

    I hate to pry a little further in, but I'm assuming that if she already refuses to make grilled cheese, she's probably not the best "cook" in town anyway... Typically, where there's a lack of smoke, there's no fire. At least, I have found this to be one of the 3 absolute truths in this lifetime.

    If cooking is important to you, which I'm assuming it is... abstaining from one of the four basic food groups is going to wear on your mental and physical health. You are correct that this will be a MUCH bigger issue in yet another two and a half years, let alone another 10! (...I really can't believe you already held out this long!)

    There is no compromise here, unfortunately. This isn't one of those opportune little "maybe I'll give it a try for your sake, honey" scenarios. It really doesn't work that way once you're in the kitchen. An ill-prepared, un-motivated chef will just make a mess, even with the best intentions...

    Posted by DJMcG June 4, 09 12:36 PM
  1. My goodness... I question partners who do not enjoying making a grilled cheese...or two...depending on how hungry they are. And grilled cheese is good at any time of the day. Heck, early morning breakfast grilled cheese as a wake up is the best kind and it starts the day off quite nicely.
    I agree completely with the lack of grilled cheese making being a deal breaker.

    Good luck on finding that special cook who will happily enjoy making grilled cheese sandwichs!

    Posted by LovesMakingGrilledCheese-MissRedSox19 June 4, 09 12:37 PM
  1. I am the one who wrote the letter. I constantly make grilled cheese for her. She doesn't say she had any bad experience with making grilled cheese, she just says she is disgusted by it. I, trying to be a good boyfriend, was respectful and backed off. We have gone over it several times through the 2.5 years, but she isn't budging on it. I tried to tell myself that there are more important things than grilled cheese, but I'm starting to feel that she is just selfish when she has no problem taking a grilled cheese I made. She makes every other kind of food imaginable, even the kind you [eat in the park]. But i am just obsessed now with having a grilled cheese!

    Posted by Headless Horseman June 4, 09 12:39 PM
  1. Personally, I'm not a big fan of grilled cheese, never have been, either making or receiving. That being said, there are other sandwiches out there that I prefer and like to make and receive, and, knowing that my husband likes grilled cheese, I do make them for him. He might like to get more grilled cheese, but he likes other sandwiches too, and knows that grilled cheesed isn't my favorite sandwich so I think we're okay . . . It is all about compromise, people, in sandwiches and in everything else in a relationship. And sure, sandwiches are an important part of a relationship, but they are other important things, too.

    Posted by Not a fan June 4, 09 12:41 PM
  1. I think I've got it, but I can't think of a euphemism. Okay, to follow on Alvin, were the greens never trimmed from the "baby" carrot? Some women can't get past this. However, I will say from experience that if the ingredients are all hot -- not just room temp -- before the cooking starts, then it should not make any difference, greens or no greens.

    Posted by Jasper's pet's last post on this, wouldn't want to turn into you-know-who June 4, 09 12:45 PM
  1. Rico is disgusted...

    Not because of the idea of a Grilled Cheese Sandwich (GCS) but because of the idea that this freak had the lack of brainpower to even send the letter and say he may go outside of the "commitment" to get one. Seriously? Rico says "You sir are an idiot" You can't be serious? If she is so wonderful and everything you want but one small thing and Rico knows this from experience it is not a deal breaker. Rico had an ex that made the best ever GCS but that didn't make the relationship. You sound like a whiny 6 year old that wants ice cream before finishing your dinner. Rico thinks you need to seriously have your head examined or better yet hit over the head with a hammer.

    Meredith, you were right in not wanting to post the letter, Rico thinks you should have hit the delete button and posted something worth reading. Rico says: If it sounds like a moron, looks like a moron, writes liek a moron and smells like a moron then it is a moron. This guy is a LOSER, his girlfriend ought to dump him and find a guy that appreciates her for who and what she is, not what she can "do for him".

    Thank you and have a nice afternoon all...

    Love always,


    Great day for a walk or ride

    take the 2 mile challenge, reduce carbon and feel good.

    Posted by Rico June 4, 09 12:45 PM
  1. First of all, the grill should be spotless. If it's a grill with an overhead hood, then extra attention needs to be paid to cleaning it. Smoking, beer drinking, eating onions, garlic, etc. do not make for good cheese for the sandwiches. Also most chefs don't like having their faces pushed into the sandwich. These could all be issues for your chef. If the kitchen has passed inspection and she still won't butter your griddle, then I would say this is a deal breaker. I once dated a man who liked cooking on the backyard grill to the exclusion of the grilled cheese sandwiches, and subs that you can get at the lunch counter up front. Definite deal breaker! A good menu is a varied menu.

    Posted by MidLifeWife June 4, 09 12:50 PM
  1. I've found the very best time for making a grilled cheese sandwich is in the early am upon awakening. If you do not like to make them - the time to finish cooking is usually considerably shorter.

    Posted by Blaze June 4, 09 12:51 PM
  1. If the grilled cheese sandwich is what I'm thinking of you might want to take some hints from the work of the US Geologigal Survey and come up with a system of signals that will let her know when you are going to erupt so that the area may be evacuated prior to anything happening. That may be her hangup, but you should talk to her about it and you might be able to do something about it.

    What worries me most about the letter is that he's already got one foot out the door. As the marriage progresses and things like children show up, the sex situation does not improve at all. If this is a significant worry now, dealing with pregnancy, young children and so on is definitely not going to help.

    Posted by at least my wife likes grilled cheese June 4, 09 12:54 PM
  1. Headless Horseman!

    Style points your way for the nom de plume! Again--run! Everything else will diminish over time if you let her get away with this--it sets a precedent for her to "refuse" over time to do other things (even if she's doing them now), and within 5 years your fridge will look like the State House @ 2 pm on a summer Friday afternoon...

    Posted by E June 4, 09 12:55 PM
  1. Wow this letter really seemed to touch a nerve with Rico. He seems to have taken it personally. Rico, I imagine does not make a good grilled cheese sandwich, and is bitter about it. But, I must say Rico's letter really sounds like it was written by a woman. Is it really the real Rico? I can't stand Rico either way, but there is something distinctinly feminine about that post.

    Posted by Is Rico a She? June 4, 09 12:59 PM
  1. Just thought of something -- she should listen to Liz Phair's HWC. It goes over the female benefits of vitamin cheese.

    Posted by Sally June 4, 09 01:00 PM
  1. Just thought of something -- she should listen to Liz Phair's HWC. It goes over the female benefits of vitamin cheese.

    Posted by Sally June 4, 09 01:01 PM
  1. Headless horsemen, I don't get the "eat in the park" comment....

    Posted by Situation June 4, 09 01:04 PM
  1. I have a friend that has an issue with size of his gal's fried eggs-but she can change that if need be- and if she's willing to go that route. All is is great otherwise. Took a huge amount of courage to say something, but he did and it's out there and something they're going to try and figure out.
    These are real issues!
    My advice...talk to her! You sound like a good guy and I'm sure she loves you...thus wants you to be happy. Be honest.
    Good luck!!

    Posted by pb June 4, 09 01:05 PM
  1. Headless,

    If she says she's "disgusted" by your food, I'm surprised she has any culinary skills at all or even enjoys any type of cooking.

    Seems like you either have to be limited to what's on her menu or find a new chef.

    Posted by Alvin June 4, 09 01:06 PM
  1. I'd be interested in knowing what her reasons were. First off, I was in a somewhat similar situation- my ex-bf told me all of a sudden after a few years that he wanted some dishes that were waaaaaaaaaaay off the grilled cheese menu- much more complex and involving other cooks. I made him regular grilled cheese sandwiches, so no one was starving by anymeans, but apparently the cheddar, american, and other "regular" cheeses were just too boring for him, athough he never had any complaints before. I refused to even go near these other menu items, but he kept saying that he didn't know if he would be ok without it for the rest of his life, and unfortunately he just figured out that he needed it. So, I broke up with him. He told me I didn't love him enough if I were unwilling to at least try these things. So, if that were his idea of love, then I didn't. So I broke up with him. I didn't want to feel pressured, hear him lay on the guilt trips, or wonder if he was going to another restaurant. In the end, our cooking ideals just didn't mesh- we were like oil and water.

    Now, I know my situation is a bit more extreme, because the things he wanted cooked are what only 5% of the popoulation would ever want cooked (trust me), but I wanted to illustrate the point that cooking compatibility is just as important as the other things in your relationship, if not a bit more so. So don't feel selfish or petty, don't settle for someone with whom you don't have really good cooking compatibility with, and find out what her issue is. If you don't, it'll only get worse.

    Posted by Grilled Cheese Maker June 4, 09 01:07 PM
  1. I find it very interesting that Rico is the only one here who's not going with the flow (haha). Except for the "ice cream before dinner" phrase, which is a propos of nothing in the letter, Rico includes no kitchen talk, no menu mentions, no sandwich suggestions. Hmmm... Rico really MUST be that old broad/geezer that you suspect him of being, Meredith.

    Just SO fascinating that everyone else has signed up for home ec except for him.

    Posted by Frico June 4, 09 01:09 PM
  1. Carolyn #29-
    Seems to me your grilled cheese has toothpicks in it...

    Posted by valentino June 4, 09 01:13 PM
  1. Hey! Just like we predicted. A woman writes in last week saying everything is great in her marriage, but she is lonely wants romance and intimacy. Overwhelming response? People don't change, suck it up, here's the "husband store," you ungrateful woman, you should be glad he's such a great husband and father blah blah blah.

    A guy writes in saying everything is amazing except... not that he's hungry, mind you, that he just wants a GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICH specifically, and overwhelming response is, run.


    Posted by rws June 4, 09 01:15 PM
  1. "Eat in the park" was a censored part of my reply that mentioned a "3rd" place to go for dinner.

    Posted by Headless Horseman June 4, 09 01:17 PM
  1. L M A O !!!! You rock Mere!!!
    To the letter writer: you're in a no win situation. even if you succeed with your persuasion nothing is worse than a grill cheese someone had to be talked into making. the bread will be stale, not enough cheese, over/under cooked, you name it.

    Posted by jimbojones June 4, 09 01:24 PM
  1. HH. How do you have the nerve to call her selfish? She is disgusted by it. Period.

    You do not respect her or her feelings. That is a obvious fact. You have ALREADY said you think about getting it elsewhere. You are the selfish one. Look what you feel YOU need. If you need this....seriously, get some help.

    That being said, I can easily see why resentment could be coming if you do service her. That part sucks, since she enjoys it and you probably enjoy doing it, for her.

    Whatever you do, please just stop talking about it with her. You should let her go. It does not help her or the relationship. If she is perfect except for this and you can not deal with that, let her go. NOW. You don't respect her.

    Posted by swfoutsida June 4, 09 01:24 PM
  1. @Rico a She? -- Meredith thinks Rico is a 70 year old woman.

    Posted by Alvin June 4, 09 01:25 PM
  1. Great point by # 57!

    Posted by boredinboston June 4, 09 01:26 PM
  1. Ok, so she flat out refuses when you make her GCS AND she didn't have any bad experiences? I'm going to agree with you that she is selfish. She wants to receive, but refuses to give. That's not cool in my book. You're NOT asking her to do some crazy outlandish thing. Did she actually use the word "disgusts" when talking about her feelings towards it? Because that would be really insulting to me if I were you. She says she loves you, but the though of GCS disgusts her???? But she likes to eat them if you're cooking. Unacceptable. You need to sit her down and tell her how important the GCS are and that the lack of them is coming between you guys and your desire to commit long term. You're so obsessed with them because you can't have any- and this will only get exponentially worse. You've GOT to talk to her and tell her the gravity of the situation- which seems pretty grave right now because you're writing in for advice, so it's already a big issue with you.

    Everyone deserves happiness and culinary satisfaction. I know you think it was gentlemanly to not hound her about it or pressure her on it, and on the surface it is, but ultimately that just put you in a tight spot now- being in love with a woman who doesn't completely satisfy you. I do think you were trying to do the right thing, but avoiding conversations like that will only prolong and exacerbate the problem.
    So in the future, be up front and honest about your needs, wants, and desires in the kitchen.

    My current bf told me in no uncertain terms when we had dated for ONE MONTH what his expectations and needs were in regards to frequency, types of sandwiches, etc. And vice versa. That was great because we both knew what the other wanted and expected, and luckily we are totally compatible. He had been in your situation before for 10 years, not just with GCS but cooking in general, and he wanted to be clear that he didn't want to fall in love with someone again until he knew the cooking compatibility was there.

    Posted by Skyler June 4, 09 01:28 PM
  1. Headless,

    She'll let you Eat in the Park but not make grilled cheese? That could be a tradeoff, because I'm not sure how many guys get to Eat in the Park.

    Posted by Alvin June 4, 09 01:29 PM
  1. Really? This is SO INCREDIBLY IMPORTANT that it's making you reconsider marrying this "almost perfect" woman and has you ALREADY CONTEMPLATING ADULTERY? If you are so obsessed and concerned that you couldn't control your need and would do something that would wound her that deeply in future, then move on and protect her from the damage and humiliation and possible exposure to disease from your future "partner."

    What part of "no" don't you understand? Badgering or guilting or whining or constantly asking for a sexual act for which someone has said "no" repeatedly after a while moves from "honey please try it because we love each other" to harassment. Wow, and the other day we had someone who was only asking that her husband be more romantic--puts it all into perspective, eh?

    Posted by yupokay June 4, 09 01:30 PM
  1. Grilled Cheese Addiction (or GCA Disorder) like any other addiction ---as if all addictions were somehow the same, but, in my experience, this is not the case. To begin with, addiction to a substance which produces tolerance is not at all the same as addiction to a behavior which one compulsively repeats. warped in one way or another.no assuming that you understand more than you really do.Approach as you would any other human being would. Be well.

    Posted by Legumier Grillardin June 4, 09 01:30 PM
  1. Best gift a woman can give a man: Back massage, grilled cheese, vitamin water and then a nap. Best if in that order.

    Posted by SBE June 4, 09 01:30 PM
  1. is it the melted cheese ? or worried about arteries exploding anywho deal the cards your are dealt with ...include cheese and pear,cheese gaffle,tostie...a crowning achievement and a cheese avalanche..life is a feast. how you spell scrumptous.

    Posted by Alain Ducasse June 4, 09 01:32 PM
  1. @rws #57 --- I had those thoughts, too. Notice how the women here are all good (or almost all good) with the idea that he needs to get his grilled cheese sandwiches. Naturally, ALL of the men agree. Turn the kitchen tables, and what would the guys be saying?

    Excellent genderisation, rws! Let's think of an equivalent joke for the "wife store."

    Posted by Frico June 4, 09 01:33 PM
  1. swfoutsida. I never said that i was thinking of going outside the relationship. I said i was fearful that someday I might feel that way, after many years of going without. I think I have been incredibly good to her, not really complaining about this for so long. I have talked to her about it quietly, but I always backed off, and tried to be respectful. All I have done now, is ask a question about what people think and how I should feel about this, because i am conflicted. Does that really make me a bad person? Why are you so angry?

    Posted by Headless Horseman June 4, 09 01:34 PM
  1. I win! I got to be comment #69!

    Posted by Frico June 4, 09 01:39 PM
  1. HH, I cannot say this clearly enough: you should ABSOLUTELY consider this a deal breaker. You two are young and still in the relatively carefree portion of your relationship. If she is that adamant about this and cannot provide you with a reason or at least try to work with you on this now, then you need to run. Trust me. Trust the millions of married guys who’ve seen this happen.

    If you are struggling now and it’s all you can think about, then you simply cannot imagine what it will be like further down the line. If you go that route, kids will come along. The cook becomes disinterested in any kind of cooking for a period of time because she doesn’t feel as confident in her cooking utensils and griddle. That’s fine, because she’s been through a lot of changes, but you think it’s only temporary.

    Then you’ll be told that the infants are the only ones with access to the milk cartons. All of a sudden, they will become purely functional and not to be used for recreational purposes. During the sleep deprived days with infants, the cook will stage a work stoppage as a passive aggressive attempt to lash out at you for the loss of her figure and her new nurturing job that has her up at all hours with the kids.

    As time goes by, the cook will occasionally throw together a meal for you, but it will be a half-hearted effort. Do you want that? Do you want to cook meals for an uninspired audience (laying there like a dead fish) and then find out that you have to get your own dinner because the cook isn’t in the mood to prepare something for you? When the cook does get in the kitchen, often it will be for a microwave dinner or some other processed garbage (Ramen noodles, Kraft Easy Mac, etc.). You will hear “What I fed you?!? Stop being so selfish about it!” Nothing will be made from scratch. No attention to detail. No culinary creativity.

    The resentment will build on both sides. It could potentially become hostile as you get more and more hungry and she takes more and more entrees off the menu. You will walk around your job and social settings with more and more hunger pains and stomach growlings. People will notice. As the kids get older, she will get new kitchen tools and gadgets that SHOULD make her a better cook or more appreciative of her dining partner, but at that point, she’s more concerned with either or fellow cooks or free time to be something other than the “Mom” persona that she is trying to escape. Cooking isn’t a priority because she’s tired from the kids, book club, tennis lessons, margarita night with the Mom’s club, shopping trips with neighbors, etc. Time will chip away at your self-esteem and you will be tempted to pursue meals cooked outside of the home. It will consume you, if you let it and the bonds you feel with your children do not keep honest in your choice of where to eat. Can you live with yourself and play with your kids if you snuck off at work and let another cook make you lunch? Even if it was the greatest culinary creation ever? Ask yourself if you want to go down that road and risk all this.

    Long story short, if you and a partner open a restaurant and are going to share head cook duties, both of you should be enthusiastic, willing, and open to pleasing his/her fellow chef in the early carefree stages. As the years go by, the business aspects of the restaurant will get larger and larger and the pure joy of cooking will fade. If you are starting with a fellow cook who has a limited menu now and doesn’t care what you think, then you need to relocate. NOW! You will never make it with your sanity in tact.

    Posted by The Ghost of Headless Horseman's Future June 4, 09 01:39 PM
  1. I think that the people who are getting so riled up are the ones who have never experienced a good GCS either one that they have cooked or been given. Because seriously there is almost nothing more beautiful than watching the love of your life get that look in their eye when they lose it due to your cooking skills. And there is nothing more beautiful than watching the love of your life cook you your own grilled cheese sandwich while looking up at you with such loving eyes...

    Regardless, I've e-mailed this thread to my favorite cook and she's promising me some good GCS tonight (and vice versa), so thanks Meredith for starting the conversation!

    Posted by masterchef June 4, 09 01:43 PM
  1. Headless,

    Is any of this useful or are we just having a "fun with cooking" day?

    Posted by Alvin June 4, 09 01:43 PM
  1. Good lord, # 72, have you read what you wrote? The woman's role of wife and mother (and wage earner) is NEVER ENDING and can be exhausting. Where were you, da man, when all this was (clearly) happening in your life/relationship? Whine whine whine, mommy won't take little boy to the ice cream store any more. Little boy help with the kids, the house, THE LIFE, at all? Or just sat there in the corner crying "Boo hoo, Mommy won't take me to the ice cream store any more"? Sheesh.

    Posted by Carolyn June 4, 09 01:47 PM
  1. wait what does sex have to do with grilled cheese? im lost.

    Posted by AMR June 4, 09 01:48 PM
  1. Alvin, It is useful, because I don't feel as bad for feeling that way as I did before. I thought I was being too selfish, but people are making alot of valid points. I need to try and get her to compromise, or else we are doomed to fail. I have to admit though, this is a great conversation piece.

    Posted by Headless Horseman June 4, 09 01:48 PM
  1. Headless,
    Don’t let any woman (especially Rico) make you feel bad for this. As I posted before you are a champion for not making this a bigger problem

    Rico and others seem to think that just because she is amazing in every other way this doesn’t have to be an issue…. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life only day dreaming about an excellent grilled cheese sandwiches???!? It’s called sexual compatibility… If you want this enough and she loves you a “once and a while” compromise can be met. I can think of 3 million worse things to request from a fiancé.

    Posted by yep June 4, 09 01:51 PM
  1. Rico-
    Methinks thy prostate has been affected by the bicycle seat.

    Gears, not Glans
    Crew, not Turtle
    Bris, not Blind
    Mohel, not Goyhel

    Posted by mohel for hire June 4, 09 01:55 PM
  1. Ok folks. Let's get it together. Grilled cheese is one of life's simple pleasures for a male or female. When it's made with just right amount of butter and cooked to a golden brown you have a completely delicious satisfying snack that hits the spot. like no other. In reality, for either party to withhold something that is enjoyed globally it is a travesty, particularly if he/she considers themselves happy with their so called "partner". What better way to show your love than this incredibly intimate dish that can as easily be given as it is received. Let's not forget that the sense of touch is one of our most revered but taste is arguably in 1st place on the pleasure scale. If the lady won't cook the sandwich he should seriously consider if she has esteem issues or can't think outside the "box"

    Posted by Jon Juan June 4, 09 01:56 PM
  1. Eating in the park is great, but it doesn't change the fact that clearly, she's not interested in being a giver. That's a bad sign at this point in your relationship. I hate to say it, but your fears are well founded.

    I don't care what anyone else says, and frankly all the "you are shallow" posts from woman and women pretending to be men (Rico) are missing the point. There is a precedent being set here in terms of your lives together and the level of commitment and desire to please each other. A blanket "no grilled cheese sandwiches ever" without any explanation is a red flag. As an earlier poster said, she should at least be willing to do the bulk of the grilled cheese sandwich preparation even if she takes it off the griddle and finishes making it by hand. A slightly browned GCS can still be very enjoyable. If she's enjoying chowing down the GCS you prepare, then she should look into making variations of GCS sandwiches for you. Period.

    Posted by Bob Dwyer June 4, 09 01:57 PM
  1. Rico has this to say as well...IN THE FIRST PERSON just for a moment:

    I am Rico and I am a man in every sense of the word, probably more of a man than the guys writing on here. Seriously though, I was married to a girl that was the BEST CHEF ever to make a grilled cheese, she had me tearing the sheets off the bed I was so out of control. The problem was that she was a total nut case with plenty of other issues which is why she is ex. If I never had another grilled cheese the rest of my life but had the pleasure of spending the rest of my life with my amazing wife I'd consider myself a very lucky man. That being said Rico is back to his normal third person...

    Rico read your reply and still stands by his first post...YOU ARE AN IDIOT, A MORON. You should never be married or in a serious relationship until you get your head fixed.

    Rico has been outside and thinks it is a perfect day for a walk or a ride. Please everyone get out and enjoy it!!!

    Love always,


    Gears, Not Gas

    Posted by Rico June 4, 09 01:58 PM
  1. Ah.... time to learn to make your own grilled cheese.

    We can recommend some good panini pressess

    Posted by RainyDayInterns June 4, 09 01:59 PM
  1. Carolyn, she's getting excellent grilled cheese sandwiches made for her. Get it?

    Oh and if I may quote Hoss for a moment, "admit it, you've let yourself go over the years". You sound like a fat housewife who whines about having kids and doing laundry while your husband rubs your feet. If you're that exhausted, turn off the television, cancel your subscription to US Weekly and pay more attention to your husband. You know, the kind of attention he gets from co-workers when he's "working late" and on the afternoons where he goes "golfing".

    Posted by Ghost June 4, 09 02:03 PM
  1. I am angry. At the light heartedness of this conversation.

    You do not respect this woman. You speak of marrying her, but you do not respect her. This is a part of her.

    It is a bad comparison, but if she had 4 fingers and you kept telling her to get a 5th one. She can't do it.

    Read comment 52, is that really the type of person you want to be?

    Outside of this one issue, you guys may literally be perfect.....and you could be better for her than anyone. But not with this linguring. Pray for a change of heart or something, or just listen to comment #1. Pretty solid advice, take it or leave it.

    Posted by swfoutsida June 4, 09 02:04 PM
  1. Edith-
    So how are the boys in Sports liking their jobs today? I don't think they serve grilled cheese at The Garden, Fenway or Gillette.

    Posted by val June 4, 09 02:10 PM
  1. HH:

    The issue is "disgusted"????? Then you know what you need to do. Do you really want to be with a woman who views making grilled cheese as anything less than great?!?!

    This isn't the 17th century. There are plenty of women out there who have taken the leap off of the Mayflower...

    As for the women harping on "reciprocation" and "maintenance of the grilled cheese", they've obviously never been participants in a serious grilled cheese making operation. When it comes to cooking, I find it comical/pathetic how many people harp on negotiation of the menu, rather than an actual LOVE OF COOKING!! Personally, I love making grilled cheese and don't need to be asked or tabbed a specific day of the millennium. Your chef should WANT to spend all day in the kitchen if you'd let him (BOTH chefs). Pity..... Obviously, the ones who treat this activity as an obligation, rather than an enjoyable time, you really need to move on from... That is, unless you're just used to sub-par cooking, as many here seem to be...............

    Move on, broseph!

    Posted by DJMcG June 4, 09 02:26 PM
  1. Grilled cheese can be a fun experience for all involved. You need to talk to her about being equal partners in the relationship. The conversation shouldn't be focused on sex; I think it's a more complex issue. If she is willing to try grilled cheese, then it shows that she is willing to sacrifice some of her comfort to bring you happiness. Talk about how you can reciprocate as well. Be willing to return the favor (this may not mean sex!)


    Posted by Gouda Grilled Cheese June 4, 09 02:27 PM
  1. Be honest...grilled cheese is necessary. Reading these comments, I feel bad for the people who were getting sandwiches all the time, then got married and that was the end of it. Where's the fun? From a female's perspective (and I know that I am not the majority here) I just dont see what the problem is. I understand that it depends who you're cooking for, but with the right person, I can be found in the kitchen all the time.

    Also...to the LW....be careful how you approach this one. You might think you've handled it nicely, and then all of a sudden, she could take a big old bite out of the sandwich. Ouch.

    Posted by callmecrazy June 4, 09 02:31 PM
  1. I still say offer to liquor her up. I got beer tastebuds (as opposed to beer goggles) my first time and have donned my apron without being asked many times after that. =) ...And I am a bonafide girl, folks.

    Posted by HellzBellz June 4, 09 02:38 PM
  1. Women were put on this Earth to make grilled cheese sandwich's. It's like buying a golf club and not using it for golf. Know your roll ladies.

    Posted by CookItBaby. June 4, 09 02:50 PM
  1. I was once like NGC's girlfriend and I refused to make grilled cheese for my boyfriend. I didn't really understand why he wanted grilled cheese so badly. However, one night, I had a couple cocktails and I got into the kitchen and just started makin' grilled cheese!! Even though it probably was a terrible sandwich, my boyfriend told me that it was very delicious. And so, slowly I got more confident about my skills as a chef. If your girlfriend is like I was, my inkling is that she just doesn't think she will probably make a good grilled cheese sandwich, like you've probably had before. With some encouragement, and no anger, she may come to love making grilled cheeses for you just because they make you so happy. Good luck!!

    Posted by kim June 4, 09 02:52 PM
  1. As I recall (it was a long time ago), it took me a long time to get used to making grilled cheese sandwiches. I found it difficult in many ways, and initially would only make them as a special favor. But once I learned -- well, no problem. Great to give, great to receive. Dealing with a chef like this one will take a LOT of patience, but I say, Don't give up yet. Talk about it at a time when neither of you is hungry.

    Posted by nonpareil June 4, 09 02:53 PM
  1. If you're making grilled cheese sandwiches for her, then she should reciprocate, sure. If not...that's a different story. But you can't be blamed if you go out to eat at another restaraunt...

    Posted by Chris June 4, 09 02:56 PM
  1. Grilled cheeses sandwiches are the best. As much as I enjoy having them made FOR me (and I do!!!), I think I love making them for someone else. What I don't want is for someone to make me the sandwich ONLy because I love them. If they don't enjoy making them, then it takes away some of my enjoyment of eating them. I could really go for a nice grilled cheese sandwich right now (eating one or making one of those open-faced sandwiches mentioned here). That was a great way to put that. Of course I tend to want to make another GCS right after I made the first one. I just can't help myself.

    Posted by Michael June 4, 09 03:06 PM
  1. Wait, Rico, I am confused. What does "ice cream" stand for?

    Posted by mike June 4, 09 03:10 PM
  1. Have you considered adding chocolate to the grilled cheese? A little Hershey's syrup makes *everything* better.

    Posted by Edna June 4, 09 03:10 PM
  1. Actually, Ghost, I am a head turner who wears Chanel, with a high-paying job that I created myself, for myself. I am a weight lifter and rollerblader.

    I have a guy that I adore and adores me, and we have been together for going on a decade. We both get our fair share of grilled cheese sandwiches.

    Women in general take care of people in their lives - parents, partners, children - and often times the people getting taken care of take it for granted. And then they get pissy that they aren't getting "taken care of" enough. However, most times it's really the women who isn't getting taken care of. And "getting taken care of" means different things to men and women. Understanding what the differences are can take some time, because we all naturally think that what we want/need is what the other person wants/needs.

    And when understanding doesn’t happen (either through not speaking up or not hearing), well, one gets the disheartening, accusatory scenario described in your original post. Women don’t automatically turn into fat, screaming shrews. It takes a lot of not being taken care of to get to that point.

    Posted by Carolyn June 4, 09 03:10 PM
  1. Horse Head:
    Someday...after years without GC...you will have kids...and you'll play in the park at night in your driveway...and your wife and kids will be returning home from the movies...they will turn off the engine and glide into the driveway...and you will be Garp's wife's boyfriend.

    Also, some people use PAM to make their grilled cheese. That's a red flag. A grilled cheese sandwich is not a low cal offering. It's rich and made with Land O'Lakes and special sauce. Do what you love and the money will follow.

    Posted by valentino June 4, 09 03:11 PM
  1. It's time to go to the bakery....if a man loves a good grilled cheese, a woman prefers an éclair! You can't call a popsicle and soft serve the same thing. Granted they both fall under the ice cream family, but they are still literally and figuratively different in nature and eating technique....

    That being said, the consumption of desserts and the desire to do so is not a black and white cookie. Of course all men love GCS's, and yes some can live without if the Philly Cheese Steak is the only dish available. But different men and women have different levels of desires and tastes. For example, my boyfriend has a raging sweet tooth, so much so that the lack of dessert ruined his first marriage. It wasn’t just the lack of decent sandwiches; it was the overall lack of desire from his wife for desserts (i.e. him!). That is enough to kill anyone’s appetite!

    Myself? I have a salt-tooth, but my appetite for desserts is much less than his. But I compromise because I love him and want him to be happy AND feel good about himself. He knows I care because I try. He can have dessert any time…

    HH, you are right to be concerned, but if you actually tell her the words “this is a deal breaker” she may just leave you on principle. Think and feel before you speak to her…

    Or maybe you should try this, some lazy summer day, go into the bedroom, arrange her favorite literal desserts around the bed, and if she likes a sundae, prepare one for her on the plate you would normal receive a grilled cheese on…give her a wink and say, “Honey, I would love a taste test.”

    Posted by indiglodoe June 4, 09 03:12 PM
  1. Someone PLEASE PM me and tell me what "grilled cheese" stands for. Is it that bland same old same old brand of what goes into a relationship, or is it a more exotic menu? Does it involve three chefs or three people at the dinner table, or just two?

    I don't see how anyone could live without "food." I just can't imagine it.

    Posted by reindeergirl June 4, 09 03:14 PM
  1. This is directed to the letter writer - It sounds like this whole sandwich thing could be a deal-breaker. Though how could it be if EVERYTHING else is so perfect? In my opinion, it would definitely be a deal-breaker. If she is absolutely against making this amazing sandwich, then you have a decision to make. It sounds shallow, but this will absolutely become a very big issue (pardon the pun). I wish you good luck to you and here's hoping you have many grilled cheese sandwiches made for you in the future.

    Posted by Michael June 4, 09 03:16 PM
  1. Carolyn = Mrs.Rico

    Posted by bambinosmom June 4, 09 03:19 PM
  1. how can anyone NOT know what the grilled cheese stands for?

    take the P out of PBJ! duh!

    Posted by indiglodoe June 4, 09 03:20 PM
  1. @102- I believe "grilled cheese" is replacing an act that is often referred to by two letters...think along the lines of Costco.

    Posted by Trying to help June 4, 09 03:26 PM
  1. "Women don’t automatically turn into fat, screaming shrews."


    Posted by swfoutsida June 4, 09 03:27 PM
  1. Have you considered adding chocolate to the grilled cheese? A little Hershey's syrup makes *everything* better.

    Posted by Edna June 4, 09 03:33 PM
  1. #92 is it a Parker House, bulkie or kaiser roll?

    Posted by stacy June 4, 09 03:33 PM
  1. Carolyn-
    No one has taken care of you your whole life. You might be, say, Mrs. Schwartzenegger? Or the test tube product of Chards of Glass and Barbed Wire?

    Posted by girls will be boys June 4, 09 03:33 PM
  1. Rico... What if your wife took your bike away and said that you could never ride it again because it repulsed her?? Just saying...

    Posted by k June 4, 09 03:36 PM
  1. Maybe your gf needs to be taught how to make grilled cheese!

    Posted by RobinSSSS June 4, 09 03:44 PM
  1. There is nothing better than teaching someone how to make a fine grilled cheese sandwich. Practice, practice, practice!!!

    Posted by Michael June 4, 09 03:48 PM
  1. You should probably make your decision based on the reason why she is not giving you grilled cheese sandwiches. If she's not giving them to you because she simply doesnt want to and wont compromise, thats one thing. If she not giving them to you because her uncle made her give him grilled cheese sandwiches at the family picnic, thats another thing.

    Posted by Rico's supervisor June 4, 09 03:52 PM
  1. This relationship is doomed from the start. You require grilled cheese, and she ain't into it so much she has cut it off from the get go. If she can do that now, while you're dating, she will have far more liberties to cut off if you marry her. Next thing you know, there' ll be no more tuna melt or roast beef sandwiches. Then you'll be starving, you'll end up taking your appetites to another diner. That will only make the whole thing worse.

    You're better off breaking it off with her, telling her that there's a lot of things you like about her, but her unwillingness to make grilled cheese sandwiches is a deal breaker and you have no future together.

    Posted by S June 4, 09 03:52 PM
  1. Rico forgot to mention that his wife also can make a pretty nice grilled cheese...still does, always has and Rico loves making them for her as well.

    Ice cream stands for ice cream...get it?

    Rico also wants to remind everyone again, he doesn't like this post and thinks this guy is an idiot.

    Rico doesn't like cheaters and that is what this loser plans to do if he marries this girl that won't cook for him. Rico thinks the larger issue here is that this moron is just a plain moron that needs his head examined to see if anything is in there and whether it is working.

    Rico also would like to say that just like yesterday with the woman approaching 40 that the bigger issue is looking yourself in the mirror and figuring out who you are and what you want. Reality is a slap in the face sometimes and Rico thinks some people just need that slap...some more than others.

    What's for dinner tonight? Fish anyone?

    Love always,


    Kick Gas

    Posted by Rico June 4, 09 03:53 PM
  1. There is nothing better than teaching someone how to make a fine grilled cheese sandwich. Practice, practice, practice!!!

    Posted by Michael June 4, 09 03:53 PM
  1. If Rico's wife took his bike away what would he do?

    Rico would probably try to figure out why she took it away and change what it was that he did to cause her to take it away.

    Rico's wife took it away once after he got hit but his wife let him back on it if he promised to ride safer routes. And yes, Rico wears a helmet too. Oh and also the seat has the indent in the middle to keep Rico's boys from damage. Rico has a child to prove it.

    Love always,


    2 mile challenge...don't forget

    Posted by Rico June 4, 09 03:59 PM
  1. Thank God lesbians don't have to deal with this male entitlement syndrome. Trust me, sandwiches shared between women are way fresher, women don't have to pressure each other to make them, there's no pouting and boo-hoo foot stamping about how long it's taking to make the sandwich, and the counter is sparkling clean (to all of you guys out here now titillated because the word "lesbian" was used, I'm not suggesting she'd prefer women).

    There's no big mess in the kitchen to clean up afterward either. The thought of that makes me want to barf. Men are just well...not good at being thorough with their hygiene and frankly they usually stink, especially toward the end of the day. Really, look there first, I'd bet good money that's the reason.

    Posted by PleaseFortheLoveofGod June 4, 09 03:59 PM
  1. There is nothing better than teaching someone how to make a fine grilled cheese sandwich. Practice, practice, practice!!!

    Posted by Michael June 4, 09 04:00 PM
  1. I agree with you, Carolyn. Lots of haters on this board. One guy said that all the women commenters were telling HH he was being unreasonable. But most of the women posting have agreed with HH that this is an issue!

    Guys, if you think marriage sucks, don't get married. And if you're worried about the toll having children will take on your sex life, don't have children. You have no one to blame but yourselves if you end up in the wastelands of #73's comment, unable to see the joy and the upside of having a family. (Or, unable to see the role you played in the eventual disintegration of your happiness.) No one forced you to get married. You were lucky; you got to choose your own fate. Now shut up and do your best.

    Posted by penelope June 4, 09 04:05 PM
  1. ...you've talked about it before and she knows you like them, why is she so against trying it? GCS are really not all that bad and if it makes the person you love feel good its worth at least trying it out.

    I refused to make GCS until I fell in love and wanted to make my man happy. He used to ask, but when he let it go I randomly decided to make one because I knew he loved me regardless. He doesn't get them everyday but he truely appricates that he's the only person I would ever consider making a sandwich for.

    If its really the only thing about her, it may not be worth leaving her and you never know if you let it go she may get over her "discust" for grill cheese sandwiches and make one special for you

    Posted by K June 4, 09 04:09 PM
  1. Headless-

    I really think you need to find out what, precisely, she finds disgusting. Keep in mind she may not entirely know, she might just feel generally skeeved by the prospect of making grilled cheese. I would phrase it like this:

    , I have been thinking a lot about grilled cheese lately, and I know there is something about it that really bothers you, and I was just wondering what it is, exactly. You don't have to answer right now, but I'd really like to know so that we can talk about it and come to a mutual agreement on the subject." Then just leave it at that. If she gets upset, tell her you don't want to fight, and you don't want to hurt her and you love her so very very much...you just want to understand WHY she has such a viceral reaction to grilled cheese.

    Posted by AG June 4, 09 04:09 PM
  1. Kthnks, I get it now. (And yes, I DO get it - and give it, too!) For reindeergirl (here I go in my Bleako voice), a man who does not like a variety of menus is not a man at all. Nor is he a woman. Nor a combination of the two. But you do sometimes have to help a new chef along, NCG, and not have her learn everything at once. Practice makes perfect, and practice is always fun, as Michael (113) said. I like my "grilled" cheese - both making and taking - morning, noon and night. That said, I like to savor this meal, and not wolf it down.

    Posted by reindeergirl June 4, 09 04:31 PM
  1. If he wants a grilled cheese, go out and pay for it.

    Posted by The Cheese Man June 4, 09 04:33 PM
  1. OK, jokes aside (although I do think this is the best letter ever) the real issue is probably trust. Sounds like your girlfriend isn't completely comfortable in this relationship, and when you say you are thinking of going elsewhere for your GCS, I can understand how she might not feel like this is the safest place to be experimenting outside of her comfort zone. Read some of these posts-- women were put on earth to make GCS, get her drunk and she'll do it-- and you can see how some women could think it is demeaning and humiliating. If this is the perfect relationship that you say it is, then try to make it more fun, less stressful, less of an issue, and more of a healthy movement to the next level of your relationship.

    Posted by Edna June 4, 09 04:34 PM
  1. Note to Rico #116:

    Um, he DID look in the mirror and figure out what he wants. He saw a guy who wants GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICHES. He is legitimately pointing out that he's likely to fall into the large cross-section of men who eventually go out looking for what they don't get at home... That's called foresight, you imbecile. It's also extremely respectful of his gf's feelings, as he's attempting to not put her in the position of waking up X years from now with a husband who doesn't turn to her for the cooking he wants/needs.....

    Nothing like a continuous stream of pompous, nonsensical, third-person drivel to completely demolish any semblance of legitimate analysis. Flowery nonsense. Everyone needs to look in the mirror, eh? Wow, what a gem of wisdom... It seems you're really only interested in them looking in YOUR mirror!

    Posted by DJMcG June 4, 09 04:44 PM
  1. rico is lame. i wonder why he divorced, he is kinda like the losers who write in.

    Posted by chris June 4, 09 04:49 PM
  1. rico's a divorced loser

    Posted by chris June 4, 09 04:56 PM
  1. Has anyone considered this: Maybe, she once saw a grilled cheese sandwich that looked like it had a picture of Jesus on it? And because of that, she deems herself unworthy of doing anything so holy as making a grilled cheese sandwich. Or maybe she was traumatized by searing the cheese sandwich against a greased, super hot sheet of metal, and can no longer stand to look at the scorched, drippy, seared things... just sayin'...

    Posted by PVR June 4, 09 05:03 PM
  1. I've been married for almost 11 years, but I haven't had a GCS in over 20. My wife just isn't interested in making them, or having them made for her, or much in the culinary field in general. I miss these things, but other things are more important, like our marriage and our relationship. Before I got married I might have agreed with Meredith, but It doesn't have to be a deal-breaker if you don't let it.

    Posted by the passenger June 4, 09 05:06 PM
  1. Meredith,
    if all is fair in love and war, why did you even ask IF there is any room for NEGOTIATION ? or should it matter ?
    Hey DJMcG - forever mean,
    blackmail and threats is the way to keep a man, fine it works for you.
    FYI - meredith has already said " as we've learned from yesterday's letter, age matters, and you GIRL have to consider YOUR own plan. Ask and make decisions that are best for YOU. Girl what's your decision ???????????

    Posted by Gillian June 4, 09 05:35 PM
  1. is there any other way of approaching this DJMCg ? And what I’m feeling is curiosity about how all this is going to play out. Because I pretty much let go of the whole commitment/marriage idea and trying to get relationships to go in a particular direction and have surrendered into a more organic approach. How I feel now is way way more relaxed and happy and just enjoying every single moment and every single guy. And men seem to be magnetized to me now. So I guess I can be a guinea pig for us all and see how it plays out.

    Posted by Erika June 4, 09 05:38 PM
  1. It is kind of daunting and scary for me to think about asking a guy how he feels about marriage/GCS with me towards the beginning of a relationship though…I would be afraid that I would scare him away by just saying the word “marriage/GCS ”! Just because several of the guys I have been dating are in their early 20’s….like this one guy in particular that I like is a year younger than me (he’s 21). Maybe I should not date guys who are so young and maybe not ready to think about that kind of commitment?? I don’t know. I am graduating college this December and feel that I am getting close to the point where I am ready to settle down with the right person. I’m not in a rush to get married, but I am also not interested in being a girlfriend for 5 years until the guy matures and decides he wants to finally settle down. Which brings me to another little dilemma…I have decided recently that I do not want to have sex again until I am married (or at the very least, engaged). I have been in 5 relationships total (where I was a “girlfriend”) and slept with most of them. But now I am at the point where I would like to wait until I am married. So my question is, how do I tell a guy this, and still keep him interested? Sex has never been THE most important part of my relationships in the past, but it is something that has really enhanced them, and helped us to feel closer. And I am unsure of how to cultivate a great relationship without sex for at least a few months in the beginning or at least until I am engaged.

    Posted by Ashley June 4, 09 05:40 PM
  1. I hate grilled cheese sandwiches. They make me gag. I don't like having grilled cheese made for me either. Just not into cheese. But I love love love Italian sausage sandwiches.
    If it was a dealbreaker for someone, I would greatly appreciate being told much sooner than 2 years into a relationship.

    Posted by Ali Kazaam June 4, 09 05:43 PM
  1. Grilled cheese sandwiches are gross...but you're fiance should let you buy them at another restaurant :)

    Posted by Anonymous June 4, 09 05:48 PM
  1. I don't even have to use euphenisms -- bottom line, if you're already thinking of cheating on her and you're not even engaged yet, she's not the right one for you.

    Posted by Jennie June 4, 09 05:49 PM
  1. Frankly I love Grilled Cheese Sandwiches. Sometimes I am not happy unless I eat two or three in a row. As the person doing the kitchen prep, and the cleanup. While my partner simply get the enjoy the experience I have some serious rules that need to be followed.
    But there was a time when I did not like Grilled Cheese. Way back before I realized I was the one setting the table. Once I took charge of making dinner, I learned I liked GCS. Not just like, love GCS!
    I am sorry for all those guys who don't get GCS. Wish I could help each and every one of you

    Posted by Loves the Grilled Cheese! June 4, 09 05:57 PM
  1. Ashley, dear, your answer should be clear from today's comments.

    And Oh, I WAS comment #69 for a while, till MEREDITH stuck something between the slices and bumped me.

    Frico wants #69 again!

    Posted by Frico June 4, 09 05:57 PM
    Meredith has already said " as we've learned from yesterday's letter, age matters, and you GIRL have to consider YOUR own plan. Ask and make decisions that are best for YOU. don't decide what is right for others. MAKE DECISION THAT ARE BEST FOR YOU !!!!!!!!!!!!

    Posted by Meredith has spoken !!!!!!!!!!!!!! June 4, 09 06:03 PM
  1. I'd be concerned that she is disgusted. I thought that these days grilled cheese was part of everyone's balanced diet, one of the major food groups. I would feel unreasonable if I expected my husband to go without grilled cheese altogether. I want my husband to be happy, and I think a good wife learns how to make good grilled cheese sandwiches.
    One note, the OP should be sure that the pots and pans and utensils are really clean - just out of the dishwasher is especially good. And as someone noted above, pushing her face into the pan while she's cooking is just bad form.

    Posted by CR June 4, 09 06:07 PM
  1. Oh and also the seat has the indent in the middle to keep Rico's boys from damage. Rico has a child to prove it.

    Um...Rico, here's a newsflash: just because you have a child with your wife doesn't necessarily mean it is *your* loin-fruit, or that your loins are capable of producing a fruit.

    Posted by The Dude June 4, 09 06:08 PM
  1. Rico's first marriage ended because he cheated on his wife - he said so in Live Chat here yesterday. That is why he does not like cheaters. Ali Kazaam, a lot of men are excited when a woman gags while having her sandwich, they like those tears and her submission as she enjoys her meal with her partner. As for you, PleaseForTheLoveOfGod - "cleaning up" after the meal can be a delightful, shared experience for the man and woman alike. But then, reindeergirl enjoys a good sandwich with either a male or a female friend; reindeergirl is not afraid to admit that. Bleako's writing style is, unfortunately, starting to rub off on reindeergirl .reindeergirl does not like all the uptight, "No s*x please, we're British" types of comments here - you ain't lived 'till you've had the best grilled cheese chefs in the world! (But no excuse for cheating if it's not your thing - then, divorce would be in order. Why marry if unwilling to experiment?)

    Posted by reindeergirl June 4, 09 06:19 PM
  1. I think that this is ridiculous. Is it possible that the poster has his tongue firmly planted in his cheek? He should make his own grilled cheese sandwiches and be happy to do so if she's perfect in every other way.

    Posted by loopah June 4, 09 06:44 PM
  1. I agree that finding things you both like to cook together is the key, whether it is grilled cheese or just finding whatever meals are delicious enough to make for a satisfyingly delicious meal with some variety.
    That being said, I do wonder about the issue of how the kitchen might smell, or whether she is sensitive to sticky cheese. Or maybe she had a bad experience in the kitchen before. Whatever it is, I think just non-confrontational, kind discussion, and maybe a little chocolate sauce, or whipped cream on the grilled cheese could make it more palatable...be creative, and be communicative. And make sure you ask her what dishes she likes for dinner (and dessert).

    Posted by Sunflower June 4, 09 06:52 PM
  1. OMG man, make your own grilled cheese. It's not rocket science.

    Posted by Les-Pel June 4, 09 06:54 PM
  1. There are plenty of single ladies out there should you decide to move on to someone without food allergies!

    Posted by Oh No June 4, 09 07:00 PM
  1. How clean and groomed is the grilled cheese sandwich area? I know I hate hair in food.

    Sometimes swallowing a grilled-cheese sandwich is distasteful and you gotta spit it out . Is that a deal-breaker?

    Lastly, how is the rest of the menu? Okay? For both of you? Sometimes a person can resent being asked to make grilled cheese sandwiches when they don't get their favorite foods prepared the way they like them.

    Posted by will you have pickles with that? June 4, 09 07:00 PM
  1. I say if it's not on her menu and that is what you know you want and can't go without .....find another restaurant. I love making grill cheese. It's just the beginning of an exciting meal I think. : )

    Posted by D June 4, 09 07:29 PM
  1. Wait, are we talking about food?

    Posted by Eric Saum June 4, 09 07:31 PM
  1. I agree 100% with carolyn, penelope, Rico and others with similar comments. A kitchen relationship does not EVER equal "owing" each other things; this is not a tit-for-tat side of a relationship. She thinks it's gross, and no amount of wheedling, begging, or trying to "teach" is going to help here. If you can't be satisfied by all the other things she does for you and the fact that she's fabulous outside the kitchen, then I think you need to take a good, hard look in the mirror before you worry about her issues.

    Posted by Kate June 4, 09 07:31 PM
  1. Make your own grilled cheese.

    Posted by christopher June 4, 09 08:02 PM
  1. All these comments are making me hungry. I think I'll go make myself a grilled cheese sandwich right now.

    Posted by Johnny June 4, 09 09:14 PM
  1. If you shred the cheese before you put it in between the bread, the sandwich will grill more in a more timely fashion. The cheese will be perfectly melted at the time that the bread is perfectly grilled. And everyone will enjoy it. Maybe add a few slices of bacon and/or apples.

    Posted by Former Grilled Cheese Contest Winner June 4, 09 09:56 PM

  1. The main thing is- don't present it as an ultimatum or death sentence. Make it fun! A couples of glasses of wine go great with GCS's. Sensitivity to her needs is key- the very best time to bring it up would be if you've just made her the best GCS of her life. Preferably with special kitchen utensils! Hitachi makes a GCS mixer that'll carry a lot of persuasive weight. Trust me.

    Posted by Hot Damn June 4, 09 10:02 PM
  1. If you can't get grilled cheese at home, it is time to eat out.

    Posted by tallblondeguy June 4, 09 10:06 PM
  1. Just the thought of grilled cheese makes me want to barf. Seems to be a Boston thing. Can't stand a hair in my mouth, or to hold a bobby pin or pencil. Even having dental work makes me gag! Just don't understand why GF feels it's OK to receive, but not to give? Especially since she has no prob with the other dishes. At any rate, if she feels like it's repulsive and it's so important to him, no point in staying if cheating is already on his mind. And for such ...sorry. I find it disgusting. There are other, more palatable items on the menu.

    Posted by gaggingaswespeak June 4, 09 10:09 PM
  1. Soup Nazi says no clam chowder for you.

    Posted by VeryAttentiveGuyInventsNiceAcronym June 4, 09 11:29 PM
  1. Man do i understand the man's misgivings. Im married (22yrs) to a wonderful woman. But i have 2 issues, plain and simple....the woman refuses to make my jello! I can count on one hand when she has made it in those 22yrs and it was when i was so sick, and whaling so loud, she made some. Another thing im deprived of is a matter of personal hygene, i am unable to rid my ear of long hair, my wife REFUSES to unburden me of them..all i ask is a simple plucking...no way Jose'...you'd think she'd would want her man to be rid of this unsightly issue, but nnnnoooooooooo, i suffer both of these indignities in silence...unless she wants somethin special of me, then we negotiate.Marriage is compromise my friend..you need to work on those negotiation skills.

    Posted by Jeff Cook June 4, 09 11:43 PM
  1. My wife likes to tell me, "You know a man could make you a perfectly fine grilled cheese sandwich." I think I've received one sandwich, shortly after we got married, and it left me unable to stand up for 15 minutes. We were visiting her parents and they were out for a few hours.

    Posted by Citizen Kane June 5, 09 12:31 AM
  1. Can't you just make yourself a grilled cheese sandwich?

    Posted by marc June 5, 09 12:55 AM
  1. I like grilled cheese, but only if the crusts have been cut off.

    Posted by emi-az June 5, 09 01:03 AM
  1. HH: I suspect the reason some of these people sound so angry is that the grilled cheese problem hits a little too close to home. Perhaps not in the specifics, but I get a strong sense that many of the angrier posters are actually talking about THEIR relationships, not yours =)

    As to the grilled cheese thing, a friend of mine went through this exact same thing a few years ago, and eventually realized it was best to end the relationship and find someone who cooked like he liked. It's really better for all involved.

    And the people who are calling you selfish are being childish: you have every right to need what you need, and so does your gf. If those needs cannot be reconciled, then that's a shame, but it doesn't put anyone at fault.

    Posted by spoons June 5, 09 02:30 AM
  1. HH: I suspect the reason some of these people sound so angry is that the grilled cheese problem hits a little too close to home. Perhaps not in the specifics, but I get a strong sense that many of the angrier posters are actually talking about THEIR relationships, not yours =)

    As to the grilled cheese thing, a friend of mine went through this exact same thing a few years ago, and eventually realized it was best to end the relationship and find someone who cooked like he liked. It's really better for all involved.

    And the people who are calling you selfish are being childish: you have every right to need what you need, and so does your gf. If those needs cannot be reconciled, then that's a shame, but it doesn't put anyone at fault.

    Posted by spoons June 5, 09 02:36 AM
  1. "I am a head turner who wears Chanel, with a high-paying job that I created myself, for myself. I am a weight lifter and rollerblader.

    Posted by Carolyn"

    The early 1990's just called. They want you to come back. They miss you a lot.

    Posted by Enormous Egos Should Not Attempt to Give Advice June 5, 09 07:10 AM
  1. I make fantastic grilled cheese sandwiches. The kind where everything is melted perfectly, it exactly the right size for the mans appetite and involves a little dab of extra spice if the man likes it, added only when I can judge if he does or not. And I make them _only_ for the man I truly _love_ and trust deeply. Thus, I've actually had long term relationships where there wasn't a grilled cheese in sight. I don't know if this is just my odd way of thinking, but the making of a grilled cheese is very special to me, I need a clean kitchen and I also need to know that this is my kitchen and nobody else will ever cook in it before I can really enjoy cooking a grilled cheese sandwich. Once I know that, I go to town and make the best grilled cheese in the world. I have heard it's so good, he's seen the virgin mary in the brown of the melted cheese.

    Posted by Lady Fromage June 5, 09 07:24 AM
  1. Maybe she likes her grilled cheese black?

    Posted by Tyrone June 5, 09 08:23 AM
  1. HH: I'm a woman in an almost 20 yrs marriage, and here's the fast forward you are wondering about: before I met my husband, grilled cheese was fine with me; previous BF kitchen was spotless, the aroma was appealing and so was the flavor of the sandwich AND the cheese... relationship? Not so perfect. Then I met my husband...great guy, spotless kitchen but... funkiest cheese I ever had, gag reflex full force, a huge sacrifice ever making them (btw, I think there was a s*x and the city episode about this). It happens, and a lot more often than you think, both for men and women.Tried anything we could think of, settled for handmade sandwiches, since my turnoff was turning him off too. It happens, and a lot more often than you think, both for men and women.Tried anything we could think of, settled for handmade sandwiches, since my turnoff was turning him off too...we added exotic meals and plenty of spices, especially after having kids, so that the menu would always be appealing...so, I guess what I'm trying to say here is that there's more to a relationship than grilled cheese sandwiches, and that you seem severely limited in the kitchen, if you can't think of anything else that would appeal to you so...there's plenty of......well, "cuisine" you haven't tried yet, and that would make you salivate just thinking of it...if you really believe you can't live without grilled cheese, well, then, it is a big problem, since you seem unable to compromise...so I say, look for somebody else who shares your "tastes"..."unwilling to compromise" is a sure recipe for disaster in a relationship, be it over grilled cheese or taking the kids to school...here's my two cents, from life experience...good luck to you both.

    Posted by Creativecook June 5, 09 08:57 AM
  1. Rico doesn't participate in the live chats, Rico's divoirce was due to his ex's alcohol abuse and bi-polar personality which became apparent very shortly in the marriage. Rico's child looks identical to him so yes Rico's loins still work fine. Rico cheated on a GF in College and feels badly about that but has never cheated on his wife or even his crazy ex-wife and he never will. Rico hates cheaters for being dishonest and sleazy. Rico still feels badly for his cheating in College and he can't justify what he did but he recognized what he did was wrong and became the man he is today. If you don't like it Rico doesn't care, that is the story.

    One more thought on the poster...Rico said he must look in the mirror as he says to almost every poster...yes that is obvious but unfortunately it is not to most of the posters. If you have an issue with Rico's advice then give some better advice. The fact you have nothing to add says a lot more about you than it does about Rico. Maybe you need to look in the mirror.

    Good luck and Love always,


    Posted by Rico June 5, 09 09:26 AM
  1. This girl dumped a guy that wouldn't make grilled cheese for me. Wasn't the only reason but it was a big part of it. Without the grilled cheese, all our meals were like appetizers with no entree or dessert. The constant frustration was too much.

    Posted by bostowyo June 5, 09 09:37 AM
  1. HH: As a woman in a relationship of several years who, like your GF, was disgusted by grilled cheese for quite some time (but is working through it), I'd like to shed some light on what bothered me. Asking someone to make you a grilled cheese sandwich can have a dark side. "Grill my CHEESE" is often thrown back and forth between men and boys as the most demeaning insult they can think of.

    (On the flip side, somehow GCS made by men for women is more like a skill men take pride in--it doesn't have the same insulting cultural connotations).

    Aside from the kitchen cleanliness and cooking time issues, maybe she needs to be reassured that you're asking her to make you a sandwich in a loving context. Even if you're the perfect gentleman, she might just associate grilled cheese with insulting and debasing herself, instead of the fun and loving aspect of it. And your persistent asking and feeling of entitlement (which comes across in your note) might just reinforce her preconceived notions that it's not about love, but about power.

    Posted by just throwing this out there June 5, 09 09:52 AM
  1. Why can't this guy make his own grilled cheese sandwich?

    Why is grilled cheese the woman's responsibility?

    If he loves grilled cheese that much, shouldn't he be good at making it?

    Posted by Susan Kirby-Smith June 5, 09 09:55 AM
  1. If you're lucky in life, you get everything you need and some of what you want.

    This is not her problem, it's yours. The fact that she doesn't like grilled cheese is normal; ALL of us have culinary things we like to do, menu items we would do, and cuisine we would never try . . . and that, being normal human behavior, is OK.

    If you absolutely "need" grilled cheese, you need to either convert that "need" into a "want" and live with not having it (as if there are no other satisfying menu choices available!!!) or you need to leave . . because it's OK for her to decide that there are things she just does not want to eat.

    Posted by kei-o-lei June 5, 09 10:05 AM
  1. The thing about grilled cheese sandwiches is... they are never as good when you make them for yourself!

    Posted by Justin Richards June 5, 09 10:11 AM
  1. If I could make my own grilled cheese sandwich, I would never leave the kitchen.

    Posted by Stretch Armstrong June 5, 09 10:50 AM
  1. Let me tell you something, I get all the grilled cheese sandwiches I can stomach in my 15-year marriage - and they're very good - but my true passion is frosted donuts, and my wife won't even talk about them, much less consider making them. Early on in our relationship, I tried and tried to get her to make them to no avail. Ultimately, she told me to stop even asking, it would never happen. I figured everything else was fantastic, so I could overlook this one thing.

    15 years later, we're still together but are growing apart. While there's no single big thing wrong, there are so many little things we do - or don't do - that drive each other nuts. They add up. In my side of the relationship, they all stack up on a bed of glazed donuts, and this tower of things I will tolerate to be with her has a very unstable foundation of glutinous flour and sugary coating. Honestly, I don't know how much longer I can keep it from teetering over and ending us in a mutually painful and devastating scene.

    Overlook her unwillingness to grill cheese sandwiches for you if you must, but it will never cease to be a point of irritation for you, and will make all the other little sacrifices you make for a relationship carry that much more weight. It WILL become a problem down the road. If I had it all to do over again, I would not choose to ignore my needs for the sake of love, and my life would probably have ended up much different, and with a different cast of characters and recipes.

    Posted by chainsmoker June 5, 09 10:53 AM
  1. Maybe it's because your cheese is uncut. Women always tell me they prefer it cut.

    Posted by bc June 5, 09 10:54 AM
  1. kei-o-lei is SPOT on. I can't think of a better way to say it. In fact, I think it bears repeating:

    If you're lucky in life, you get everything you need and some of what you want.

    This is not her problem, it's yours. The fact that she doesn't like grilled cheese is normal; ALL of us have culinary things we like to do, menu items we would do, and cuisine we would never try . . . and that, being normal human behavior, is OK.

    If you absolutely "need" grilled cheese, you need to either convert that "need" into a "want" and live with not having it (as if there are no other satisfying menu choices available!!!) or you need to leave . . because it's OK for her to decide that there are things she just does not want to eat.

    Posted by Olivia June 5, 09 10:58 AM
  1. no grilled cheese sandwiches and you aren't even married yet?

    Deal breaker as no grilled cheese in the love phase means no entire menu of things later on when she has you legally bound.

    Posted by nitsujolz June 5, 09 11:08 AM
  1. I think the guy should make his own grilled cheese sandwich. It should be his specialty and he should offer them to his girlfriend. If she accepts; he should propose. --But grilling the sandwiches should henceforth be in the "his" category of jobs for him to do. --Until which time, she says: "honey, I love your grilled cheese sandwiches, could you please teach me to make them as well as you do?" At which point, the sandwiches may become a shared responsibility and indication of special love and affection.
    If she refuses to eat the sandwiches he cooks, then the guy should search for love elsewhere.

    Posted by Stephanie Kornfeld June 5, 09 11:16 AM
  1. Sorry, I disagree with the "everything you need and some of what you want" formulation for this. We don't know whether there are "other satisfying menu choices available" to this long-suffering fellow. All we know is, he's not getting something that means a lot to him.

    Why does it mean so much? Because it's a glorious, thrilling part of adult life. Why does this trouble him enough to question the relationship? Because her refusal is, in fact, a rejection of him.

    I've known women averse to Grilled Cheese Sandwiches, and they were all just squeamish and not really interested in the menu, generally. They were control freaks over a limited bandwidth of the control spectrum, unwilling to put themselves out there and discover the give-and-take of control that comes, so to speak, with the oral experience. And not one of them wanted to receive Grilled Cheese Sandwiches, either. They didn't like the whole mess of it, either way. Ask them about it, and if they'd talk about it at all, they'd use the word "gross."

    To say "this is not her problem, it's yours" seems precisely the reverse of the case. The unwillingness to give up control and give good Sandwich suggests a psychological problem that will undoubtedly manifest itself in other areas of the relationship. I agree that a better understanding of her feelings about this dish could help. But if she's not willing to work on it (say, enrolling in a Tantric cooking class with you), what other refusals and rejections await you?

    Think about it, Boston. No more Grilled Cheese Sandwiches for the rest of your life. Is there any question here, really? If she won't join you in exploratory eating, go find someone who accepts you, all of you (pulling the slip of paper out of the Grilled Fortune Cheesie) in bed. I mean, on stove.

    Posted by Jasph June 5, 09 11:45 AM
  1. Since you're talking about marriage, you ought to be able to discuss cuisine, but it seems like it would be best to start a conversation about it when you're not in the kitchen and not hungry or in the middle of a snack. Then you can find out, as so many have suggested, whether she has had burned or nasty grilled cheese sandwiches in the past, whether the kitchen seems dirty or cluttered, whether her own food needs are being met, etc. Sometimes these conversations can be embarrassing, because food is often such a private matter, but again, if you can't have these kinds of conversations, ought you marry?
    Best of luck! Marriage ought to be a safe experimental kitchen where one can sample all kinds of fare.

    Posted by occula June 5, 09 11:54 AM
  1. Okay, my question is simply this. When you say grilled cheese sandwich, are you talking about her simply masticating the bread for a while, or does the Cheeze Whiz need to be expelled from the can?

    Posted by Eric June 5, 09 11:54 AM
  1. I'm amazed that so many women on here think men are capable of making a grilled cheese sandwich for themselves. Women seem oblivious that making grilled cheese sandwiches and churning butter are two VERY DIFFERENT things!

    Posted by GrilledCheeseTestKitchen June 5, 09 12:30 PM
  1. When I was barely 16, I was forced by someone I didn't know very well to make my first grilled cheese. FORCED... forced to clean up the kitchen afterward, as well.

    As you can imagine, this did not set the best scenario for willingly making GC for someone I loved 7 years later, but because he insisted that it was a deal-breaker, I was emotionally blackmailed into learning how to make excellent grilled cheese because I did not want to lose him. I was stupid and foolish. He ended up going to other restaurants anyway, making me then feel much like my 16 year old self. If this is a deal-breaker - move on. You aren't the person she needs.

    And FWIW - making GC for a man is a totally different thing than a man making GC for a woman. Women don't typically force men to make them grilled cheese. Making a GC for a man has many more negative connotations associated with it. Men themselves use it as a demeaning reference of submission and power. Needless to say, I would have to love and really really trust someone before ever cooking a grilled cheese for them at this point.

    Posted by BBQ Lover June 5, 09 12:42 PM
  1. For all you people asking why he doesn't make his own GCS. Well, maybe he doesn't have a frying pan that's flexible enough?

    I think it's time to go shopping for a new George Foreman Grill. Because we know a lot of Foreman can lead to a great GCS.

    Posted by Eric June 5, 09 12:53 PM
  1. #133 Erika:
    Not sure what you mean... approaching what? Making grilled cheese??...

    Posted by DJMcG June 5, 09 01:13 PM
  1. Why can't he just make one for himself? Why does he HAVE to obsess over her making it?

    Posted by Zoe June 5, 09 02:08 PM
  1. No grilled cheese is a definate deal breaker.

    Posted by Clinton Johnson June 5, 09 02:09 PM
  1. I would suggest a new favorite dining spot. There are lots of places out there that make fabulous grilled cheese. If you do not, I would be willing to wager that you will find yourself eating fast food within the next 2.5 years! We all know how devoid of nutrition fast food can be. Give her a recipe, let her try to make it the way you like it. If it doesn't work, or doesn't happen....start making those reservations elsewhere.

    Posted by sagemyst June 5, 09 02:19 PM
  1. I missed this posting yesterday and am laughing my self silly,. Kudos to all of the posters for their creative use of euphamism. You all must have done well in English class.
    A friend of mine had a similar dilemma. Her husband LOVED grilled cheese and she said the thought of all of that runny cheese made her nauseated. They worked out a compromise. The kitchen was spotless and the grilled cheese was "wrapped". That way, he could have his grilled cheese sandwich and she was not worried about the runny cheese,.

    Posted by linda June 5, 09 02:20 PM
  1. She stopped with me, so I don't make any for her. Now she wonders if I am getting my GCS fix with some other cook. Oh well.

    Posted by Troy June 5, 09 02:35 PM
  1. I'm lucky to have a fantastic grilled cheese chef as a partner. His preparation and service are absolutely faultless, and the enthusiasm with which he does so only adds to the culinary experience.

    I also love preparing the grilled cheese sandwich, but I'm not very good at it, as the final result usually requires some kitchen assistance from him. He seems to love the sandwich all the same, but I'd love to learn to cook it by myself.

    Posted by SatisfiedGirl June 5, 09 02:38 PM
  1. I don't understand how women think I can make my own grilled cheese. I don't know any guy who can even reach the plate. Also for those who asked the crust is cut off, she just says she doesn't like doing it.

    Posted by Headless Horseman June 5, 09 02:41 PM
  1. Are you using enough non-stick spray? Not having any or not enough can lead to some problems, mainly the grilled cheese sticking to the pan and getting ruined, and no one likes ruined grilled cheese.

    Have you tried adding ham? Sometimes, I have found, this improves the taste of the grilled cheese, increasing the demographic that enjoys consuming the food.

    You could even consider cooking with a Teflon pan, as this, in conjunction with the aforementioned non-stick spray, can improve the grilled-cheese-making experience.

    Just my thoughts on the matter.

    Posted by Chef Blowardee June 5, 09 02:46 PM
  1. HAHAHA....yeah. Probably best to see if she is opposed to an outside source for GCS...maybe she would be cool with that.

    Posted by Steev June 5, 09 03:00 PM
  1. Grilled Cheese is not for everyone. My hubby is "lactose intolerant"
    and let me tell you there are a lot of things you can cook in your kitchen, even if a fairly "traditional" slant. I have found that some times a little jell-y can go along way.
    Not every one has a poets tongue (or inclination to Grilled Cheese)
    Some people have lovely fingers and can show much love and care while making a happy hot dog

    There is more to variety than Grilled Cheese alone
    hope you have much fun in future cooking

    Posted by Spice June 5, 09 03:06 PM
  1. I feel for you Headless, my first cook refused to make a grilled cheese for me but demanded I make them for her...I was so happy to not be cooking for myself all the time that I accepted it, but it lead to problems. As a friend of mine pointed out it is stupid to make something for someone if they won't offer the same dish. As grilled cheese is my favorite sandwich, I couldn't be with someone who will not make me one, I could not imagine going 2.5 years without one, I would have found a drive thru before that point. I'm now married, and honestly my wife doesn't like making grilled cheese, and honestly I don't like how rarely I get them, but we have compromised and she does occasionally make them, and we have agreed that occasionally it is nice to try something from another cook. I know I don't make her favorite dishes all of the time, and she doesn't make mine, so why not go out together...and find a place with a cook or two or three that can make exactly what we are craving.

    Posted by lover of fine dining June 5, 09 03:11 PM
  1. As #2 & #182 (& others) suggest, the reasons for her disgust are worth investigating--make sure the kitchen is spotless, promise not to expell the cheese whiz from the can the first time, possibly adjust your diet (coffee drinking can make for very bitter cheese, e.g.) , don't pressure her. Also, consider the different positions in which GCS can be made, some of which may be easier for her to try. And you might try first making a GCS inside wax paper, or wrapped in another protective cover.

    Posted by lunch lady June 5, 09 03:32 PM
  1. As #2 & #182 (& others) suggest, the reasons for her disgust are worth investigating--make sure the kitchen is spotless, promise not to expell the cheese whiz from the can the first time, possibly adjust your diet (coffee drinking can make for very bitter cheese, e.g.) , don't pressure her. Also, consider the different positions in which GCS can be made, some of which may be easier for her to try. And you might try first making a GCS inside wax paper, or wrapped in another protective cover.

    Posted by lunch lady June 5, 09 03:32 PM
  1. Am I the only person that things this entire topic is strange??

    Posted by Mr. S June 5, 09 03:43 PM
  1. comment # 35... "tomato soup" !! that's comedy... well done buddy

    Posted by kevin downa June 5, 09 03:59 PM
  1. If you are willing to use a condiment (and you should be) during the cheese-grilling process, let her know that and prove it by buying a few different condiments. The presence of a quality topping on the grilled cheese can make the difference for some women, as they don't even have to think about when the sandwich reaches the oozy stage of grilling.

    Posted by plum June 5, 09 04:03 PM

    Posted by Sally Cheese June 5, 09 04:10 PM
  1. Why don't you try making it for yourself?

    Posted by Samantha June 5, 09 04:13 PM
  1. I absolutley hate grilled cheese and will never ever make one, personally. But that's my own opinion. I think that if you're even considering leaving for something as trivial as grilled cheese, then you don't love her as much as you think you do. Love is about more than that. If you really loved her, and she was really totally against grilled cheese, then you would respect her feelings.

    Posted by Bob June 5, 09 04:30 PM
  1. I enjoy grill cheeses during fourth period. My defensive partner also likes them.

    Posted by Andrew Laskowski June 5, 09 04:44 PM
  1. I enjoy grill cheeses during fourth period. My defensive partner also likes them.

    Posted by Andrew Laskowski June 5, 09 04:44 PM
  1. 1. You could try some role playing where you are the restaurant owner and she is a cheap, dirty fry cook. Sometimes when an elegant chef is role playing as a fry cook she'll be willing to expand the menu a bit. You could tie her up, humiliate her with a spatula and force her to work on her grilled cheese technique (though you may want to come up with a kitchen safe word or phrase like "Salmonella" in case she needs to break out of the role for whatever reason.

    2. Sounds odd I know, but ask her if she'd like her sandwich with some whipped cream on it. Grilled Cheese might be too salty for her taste.

    Posted by toadspit June 5, 09 04:44 PM
  1. Oh man...missed a couple of weeks here. This one has it all. Morons saying: "Why don;t you make your own grilled cheese?" Seriously, you don't get it, HH wants her to provide it for him. He's not going to complain about becoming "Hand-solo" if you get what i mean. A lesbian pointing out why guys are no good in the 1st place and then there is Rico. My god, man, just post your opinion, like you do every day and then SHUT UP...if you don't like what people think about your comments, that is just too damn bad! Personally, I don't care what you do, or when you do it but honestly buddy, you sound like a moron when you keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person. I mean, that is what the majority of people that don't like you would probably say is wrong with you. You cheated, whenever, it really does not matter and then have the nerve to come down on this guy WHO HAS NOT??...If you like giving advice, learn how to take some....THINK BEFORE YOU WRITE YOUR COMMENT! He has not cheated...he might "think" about it but he's not done it.

    BTW, this guy is not EVIL for asking for this and throughout this post has had to defend himself. HH, I think you are a good guy for not pushing and demanding things. As you can tell from some of these posts...there are "other woman" out there that don't mind making "Grilled Cheese Sandwiches", so do not give up hope.

    Posted by Pete June 5, 09 04:45 PM
  1. Make the grilled cheese for yourself!!!! It's not rocket science!

    Posted by Eric Howard June 5, 09 04:51 PM
    "Making a GC for a man has many more negative connotations associated with it. Men themselves use it as a demeaning reference of submission and power."

    -Still others will say that making the GC is a great source of power and control over their partner...but I expect in a healthy way.

    Posted by toona June 5, 09 04:54 PM
  1. Headless,if your woman is "disgusted" by grilled cheese sandwiches, I'm sorry to inform you that you've already lost.

    Also, it's very possible to enjoy having them made for you and not enjoy making them. Dudes do it all the time.

    If she is perfect in every other way and just has this one thing, then I think you need to find some way to get over it or find someone else. Either that or negotiate having a professional make you a grilled cheese sandwich a few times a year.

    But do not marry this girl unless you can sort this out - you don't DESERVE a grilled cheese sandwich, you just really really want them. She deserves someone who's not going to marry her and then cheat on her to get the one thing you've known all along was never going to be on the menu.

    Posted by Hello Stranger June 5, 09 04:58 PM
  1. I have been complimented on my abilities cooking Griil Cheese Sandwiches I tend to experiment on the different approaches to cooking them. Some work and some dont I guess its because the person has different tastes. But I will continue trying new receipes.

    Posted by B W June 5, 09 05:20 PM
  1. If it is ones "favorite food" why would one go without for the REST OF ONES LIFE? If it is a hazard to ones health like sugar to a diabetic or liquor to an alcoholic then... different story. For me, I like grilled cheese, but my "favorite food" is cream filled crullers (boston term for jelly roll...sort of). If I couldn't have cream filled donuts and could only have grilled cheese sandwiches I would be most unsatisfied Ted. I suspect the chef in question has just never made a good grilled cheese and suffers from performance anxiety. (after all, a good chef wants to please her only customer.) And, maybe even worse, not had a good grilled cheese herself to know how good they can be. She has probably only chosen fast food purveyors in the past and not experienced the slow food movement. A well respected recipe book could be of help. The grilled cheese lover should provide a clean, well equipped hearth to experience the best grilled cheese has to offer. In a warm, cozy, candle lit, soft music atmosphere. As Beethoven said "only the pure of heart can make a good"...well he said "soup"...but you get the point. Then like how you get to Carnage hall...practice, practice, practice. But NEVER fake it till ya make it.

    Posted by jelly roll morton June 5, 09 05:28 PM
  1. make your own damn grilled cheese, stupid. If no one will please you, you can only please yourself.

    Posted by Kaitlin Springer June 5, 09 05:30 PM
  1. I wouldn't mind if my gf didn't gave me any GCS, I don't love somebody for their cooking abilities, but for who they are... losing your affection towards your gf because of GCS is selfish and stupid.

    Posted by K June 5, 09 05:52 PM
  1. Headless,if your woman is "disgusted" by grilled cheese sandwiches, I'm sorry to inform you that you've already lost.

    Also, it's very possible to enjoy having them made for you and not enjoy making them. Dudes do it all the time.

    If she is perfect in every other way and just has this one thing, then I think you need to find some way to get over it or find someone else. Either that or negotiate having a professional make you a grilled cheese sandwich a few times a year.

    But do not marry this girl unless you can sort this out - you don't DESERVE a grilled cheese sandwich, you just really really want them. She deserves someone who's not going to marry her and then cheat on her to get the one thing you've known all along was never going to be on the menu.

    Posted by Hello Stranger June 5, 09 06:02 PM
  1. Grilled Cheese is a big deal. If she won't grill the cheese - you should end the relationship long before now. I remember one of the main things I wanted umm say a "Boston Creme Donut" and luckily my "Old Man" liked to give me time & time again - whether I wanted it or not. and he knew my weakness I could never turn it down. Therefore never did I even think about lookin for "my special donut" from someone else. Honestly Meredith "grilled cheese" - Why not "Hot Dogs loaded" or "corn dogs" or something similar like that.

    Posted by Been around June 5, 09 06:05 PM
  1. Headless Horsman,
    I believe that this is not an issue about what is involved in the kitchen, it is a matter of the relationship. If there is no compromise, or at least discussions of what type of perfect kitchen with all the right utensils would be required for her to make a GCS for you to understand what exactly kind of sacrifice this would be for her to make... this is not the kind of relationship that is ideal for long term.
    It is unfortunate that there is so much love involved here.
    Neither of you have the lack of respect for each other, but perhaps lack of respect for the love and relationship. You have left this issue too long unchecked.
    Here's hoping that if you decide to not make this a deal breaker you can establish and maintain communication and compromise.
    I wish you luck in solving your dilemna.
    And as for all the judgements by all the posters, don't take it personally. Only you can decide what is right for you. That being said, kitchen satisfaction overall is a deal breaker for me.

    Posted by NeverEnoughCheese June 5, 09 06:12 PM
  1. Waitaminnit! Since when is anyone's menu mandatory?! Since when does anyone become defective because they want to opt out of a particular item? Hard to believe any guy would refuse to cook anything >snerk!< (Oh - sry - I just read that and coffee came out my nose...) BUT, there's almost always SOME item that somebody simply doesn't want to cook. SO WHAT?! The remaining menu is ginormous! I think "Headless" needs the therapy!

    And be honest - most guys make sandwiches for their GFs not because SHE wants the sandwich, but because HE likes making them!

    Sorry, but unless the cook picks the menu, they're not a cook; they're a galley slave.

    This SHOULD be a deal breaker - for her. If everything else she could do in life for this guy is meaningless unless she makes him grilled cheese, he can't possibly appreciate her.

    Posted by Lola June 5, 09 06:19 PM
  1. Do you know any women at all? The more you demand them to make a sandwich the less likely it will occur. Quite frankly this should be an issue if you had trained her well enough that she never leaves the kitchen. We all learn from our mistakes.

    Posted by I know women. June 5, 09 06:20 PM
  1. Jasph, if we use your logic, then doesn't it follow that his attitude about her clearly very strong feelings is a rejection of her?

    Posted by mirabelle June 5, 09 06:25 PM
  1. I don't know if this is a comedy letter or not, so here's my serious, two cents answer.

    You are selfish. This woman, who you describe as perfect in every other way? You don't deserve her at all. There are people on this planet who would give all the grilled cheese sandwiches in the world to be with someone as perfect a woman as you say she is for you. Bottom Line.. make your own.

    Posted by Robin McComb June 5, 09 06:26 PM
  1. I have been married for almost 18 years, and grilled cheese is just part of the menu, although I have other foods I like even more. I had a partner before I married who insisted on GCS but also insisted on humiliating me during cooking: I think he had watched too many cooking specials, if you know what I mean. It took a while for me to get past that.

    I agree with whomever said it's normal for people to have culinary likes and dislikes -- no one is freakish for wanting something, no one is freakish for avoiding something. But if you really love this girl, and if she really loves you, then it's time to work through it. My hubby/chef was patient with me getting through my traumatic grilled cheese and other cooking experiences, and now he's pretty darned happy -- and yes, #183, during and after three kids we still have a regular kitchen life.

    It sounds to me like she may have a cooking issue that she isn't owning up to. I give you props for trying, but urge you to ask yourself if you'll regret losing her over this one thing -- or not. Good luck.

    Posted by top chef June 5, 09 06:26 PM
  1. Hmmm, I dont know if this applies to every woman... I didnt feel like making GCS to my first partner,, I thought I loved him and all but, the whole thing had it's issues, usually for a girl to really feel like making a GCS she needs to toally love you and trust you. funnily enough since I have a new partner Im glad to do it, Im not the best, I need practice and all, but I like it and dont feel like its weird anymore. It's all about trust and about feeling comfy. As I said, not all people are the same, but the only reason I know, is to not be totally sure and in love and all that.... again and again, thats just me though

    Posted by N June 5, 09 06:28 PM
  1. sounds like he is more in love with grilled cheese sandwiches then the girl. come on dude! PERFECT GIRL? and you want to find something wrong with her. shame on you home slice, send her this way and ill find out what her favorite sandwich happens to be.

    Posted by G from ABQ June 5, 09 06:34 PM
  1. I just scanned through the opening paragraph again and didn't realise about the euphemisms. Usually when you get parts of a sentence in these "[ ]", it's clarifying what the person is talking about. I thought that this guy was actually complaining about not getting grilled cheese sandwiches made for him! hahah

    Posted by Robin McComb June 5, 09 06:34 PM
  1. Pleeeeease someone explain how you make your own??? What do you people think is being discussed?!?!? You have to have some serious bending skills here.

    Posted by Confused...! June 5, 09 06:43 PM
  1. Does the girlfriend consider a grilled cheese sandwich an intimate supper, or a casual dish? If the latter, would she mind you going out to get your grilled cheese somewhere else?

    To put it another way, does she see it as something important or a trivial whim of yours? If it's important, she must somehow come to terms with her own unwillingness or inability to serve this dish. It may cost her a dining partner. (And others after that!) If it's trivial, she cannot, in clear conscience, stand in the way of sating this appetite elsewhere.

    Posted by Matt from IL June 5, 09 06:57 PM
  1. The girl needs to "suck it up" and learn to love grilled cheese. And I agree with others, spotless kitchens help.

    Posted by KF June 5, 09 07:35 PM
  1. I think he is an idiot, a moron, a vapid, shallow, immature, self involved man-child. He says "she is perfect in every way...except". I think if he is so hung up on "grilled cheese sandwiches" and that, for some inexplicably reason, outways everthing else, he doesn't deserve her, and she deserves better. What do you think this idiot would do if she got breast cancer? Or was disfigured or injured in an accident, or any other of a million things that can happen to a person? You think he's going to stick around and see her through it? He is willing to throw her away because she won't MAKE HIM A "GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICH". BTW I think all of you who answered any other way are as stupid as he is.

    Posted by Kweenipie June 5, 09 07:37 PM
  1. Make your own damn grilled cheese.

    Posted by Jackal June 5, 09 07:52 PM
  1. Make it your self, flip sake... is it that hard,or would you hurt your massive man pride?

    Posted by Anonymous June 5, 09 08:53 PM
  1. I didn't read all the comments but I wonder if the GF has ever watched someone else make a grilled cheese sandwich. There are plenty of websites that will show this task for free. Is she willing to use her hands to make the sandwich? Does she use utensils? Has she ever seen the pleasure on her BF's face when he has received a sandwich? Get over it girl or give him to me cause I LOVE grilled cheese sandwiches. ;-)

    Posted by MyFave June 5, 09 09:03 PM
  1. Maybe you can make a compromise, you make her tomato soup and she makes you grilled cheese.

    Sidenote: How could anyone not love making and getting a grilled cheese sandwiches? They're the best!

    Posted by "happy" guy June 5, 09 09:14 PM
  1. If the letter writer can't respect his partner's food preferences, then perhaps he's not the right one for her (rather than her not being the right one for him). Respect for the choices of others, especially those of your partner, are important in any and all relationships. I agree that a discussion of why grilled cheese sandwiches are such a no-no is a good idea, but more for the fact that it might help him understand why she refuses to eat them, rather than as a method for convincing her to eat a something she prefers not to.

    And I just have to say, I will never look at a grilled cheese sandwich (the actual food) the same way again. It's probably a good thing I don't eat the actual things often (and would never, ever eat a metaphorical one).

    Also, I've got the same question as Confused (#223). I mean, I guess it's technically possible (see the movie 'Shortbus' for proof, though now that I'm thinking about it, I can't remember if he's able to cook his own sandwich all the way through, or if his stove runs out of gas and he settles with a partly cooked sandwich instead) but still..... not everyone is a yoga master.

    Posted by rara avis June 5, 09 09:15 PM
  1. Maybe she won't make you a grilled cheese because it smells like grilled cheese down there!

    Posted by Marcoman June 5, 09 09:22 PM
  1. OK, and for Kweeniepie, I am the husband of someone who has survived breast cancer and, before that, we had a child. Since our child was born, not only was grilled cheese of the menu, but any sort of cooking has been off of it. I am forced to make my own meals, and I have to say that I resent every second of it. So, with all do respect, don't throw stones. Whomever the author is, he is right to be thinking about his needs and his wants. And if you don't like it, then you don't have to marry him either. Marriage is about a mutuality of wants, needs and desires, and if they are incompatible on that level and she won't talk about it or deal with it (such as the situation I am in), then they will be heading down the path of divorce, which no one wants to do. Respectfully, go walk a mile in his shoes and lose something you consider important with someone who is supposed to compromise and work with you on these issues and see how you feel. Anyone who thinks anything else is naive.

    Posted by ownchef2009 June 5, 09 09:40 PM
  1. Once you get married and have kids, you'll pretty much starve for awhile anyways. Make sure you are marrying someone you can happily suffer with in life.
    As far as the grilled cheese sandwiches, maybe she doesn't like the cheese. Cheese is pretty gross. Maybe a drier grilled sandwich would help her come around to cooking.

    Posted by lala June 5, 09 09:48 PM
  1. They have great pannini machines at Macy's and they are not expensive. They make great grilled sandwiches fast and clean up is a breeze. Everything toasts evenly, which is nice, and you can grill anything on them.....this girl doesn't like anything common, so kick it up a notch, buy the machine, and make her a sandwich she'll never forget...........Oh, they have a bridal registry at Macy's too.

    Posted by hac June 5, 09 09:49 PM
  1. Wow,
    Here's a news flash - there are 3 billion women on this planet. I bet you can find one who would love to make you a GCS. If she can't cook now it will not get better with age - her not the cheese.

    Posted by joe collins June 5, 09 09:57 PM
  1. You need to communicated amongst yourselves. Ask this woman why she won't fry you up some grill cheese. She may have a valid reason. If it comes down to basically she doesn't like the taste or something tell her you won't let the cheese melt in her mouth. Do you cook grilled cheese for her? How about a little quid pro quo? How do you go about asking for grilled cheese? Ask in the middle of a cooking session. Say mmm that's good, can you cook me some grilled cheese to go along with that. You have to communicate or your relationship will not last.

    On another note if you are already worried that you may seek grilled cheese else where then more than likely you will eventually. I know I'm a guy and have been through the no grilled cheese issue in the past. I discussed it with her but grilled cheese was not served in that restaurant no way no how. I didn't think it would be an issue but later on it was. I just wanted a grilled cheese every now and then. She wanted some too but I wasn't serving it if she wasn't. It eventually strained the relationship some. I ended up cheating on her with a woman that knew how to make the best grilled cheese I had had in years (literally). Of course after having that grilled cheese for a little bit it started to taste like plain old grilled cheese again. I'm still with her we are married and I don't cheat. I don't crave grilled cheese all that much anymore. It's still nice once in a while but it's not a big deal anymore because I know my wife will actually cook me up a sandwich if I really want her to.

    Posted by evil1dwk June 5, 09 10:47 PM
  1. I used to refuse making GCS, because of a lack of know-how. After talking it over with several girlfriends, and a trip to the bookstore, I was ready. I picked up a little book titled "Tickle his pickle" (I think that is correct, or nearly). Now I routinely get compliments on my GCS. The only drawback is a slight issue with TMJ dysfunction, but there are ways to get around that. Also, when I was not making, I did not expect to be receiving....

    Just my .02

    Posted by cheese_fan June 5, 09 10:48 PM
  1. Why doesn't he just make himself a grilled cheese sandwich? I heard it taste great with havarti cheese by the way. No reason not to get married.

    Posted by Sleepless in Seattle June 5, 09 11:02 PM
  1. Or, you could make your own damned sandwich.

    Posted by Ginn. June 5, 09 11:39 PM
  1. So, you decide this one isn't the one, you find another woman and you get your 'must have' grilled cheese, will you really be able to forget this woman? Sometimes grilled cheese isn't worth losing a true friend. Who knows... after a few months, that final dish just might be offered to you out of respect, because you respected her one request. Or not. Your call.

    Posted by spuffler June 5, 09 11:53 PM
  1. I'm not the best cook but something doesn't add up here... call me a cynic but no grilled cheese for 2.5 years? Grilled cheese sandwiches are great. Sometimes I eat 2 in 1 sitting.

    Even my mom makes me grilled cheese!
    What a mean girlfriend.

    Posted by henry June 5, 09 11:55 PM
  1. So here I am, stuck at work and I surf across this gem...
    I've been married for over 16 years, and since marriage my wife has never made me a grilled cheese sandwich. And yes, I make them for her whenever she asks I do enjoy the center cut GCS with extra cheese. So - It was never really her thing and she had a jaw problem that made it painful for her and she didnt enjoy making the GCS. I love and respect her so if it wasn't enjoyable for her, I could never enjoy it. Don't me wrong - in my day I loved a good GCS as much as the next guy but in my case it wasn't a deal breaker. There are so many other recipies to make together. She is my soulmate, she is the mother of my children, We have had 2 beautiful sons together that are my everything. She is an awesome person and so beautiful it was not a big deal at all. So yes I have not had a GCS in many, many moons, But - she is a meat lover (li'l pizza ref) and we are still doing plenty of cooking although it's mainly non-dairy. My advice is you can live without a GCS as I am living proof. If it is right for you you will know it. If you are not willing to sacrifice something you love for her then I think you already have your answer.

    Posted by NoGCForMe June 6, 09 12:13 AM
  1. If he wants a grilled cheese sandwich then his lazy ass can make it himself if he wants it that bad. Unless he is useless and can't cook anything.

    Posted by deats June 6, 09 12:17 AM
  1. I love all this talk of "compromise" from people who essentially seem to think that compromise = HH's significant other, through one way or another, gets on the grilled cheese wagon or gets ditched. Last I heard, compromise means finding a MUTUALLY agreeable solution.

    If you're an adult in an adult relationship, you can talk to her about this. If not, then I think you have your answer.

    Posted by aurora June 6, 09 12:28 AM
  1. Probably 30 women on here that are stupid enough to not understand that men "cant make their own GCS." Get a clue!!! Either your naive or stupid or prudish.

    Posted by billy13 June 6, 09 12:57 AM
  1. Hmmm....Maybe learn how to butter two pieces of bread, stick cheese between them and throw them in a fry pan. How helpless are you?

    Posted by Kevin June 6, 09 01:18 AM
  1. Does she like grilled cheese sandwiches in general? If not, introduce a nibble of the grilled cheese sandwich a little bit at a time until she enjoys the whole entree...then ease her into it as gently and patiently as possible....then she'll grow to love eating grilled cheese sandwiches in no time. Also, make it more enjoyable by switching up toppings other than the original....like different kinds of cheeses, to make it more enticing and delectable.

    Posted by Lala June 6, 09 01:25 AM
  1. I have a very strong aversion to putting a limp grilled cheese sandwich in my mouth (that's just nasty), but if I make sure the bread is good and hard, and I'm cooking for someone who I believe respects me and who doesn't take a good 20 minutes or more to eat his sandwich (check the time if they don't believe it takes them that long), then I usually have no problem.

    Posted by Silly me June 6, 09 02:20 AM
  1. Hey dude! Try to pin point exactly what about the sandwich making process bothers her--is it getting her hands messy, or does she just not like the taste of cheese? Is she willing to make you a sammich by hand, just so long as she doesn't have to eat it, or are you getting no sammiches whatsoever?

    Maybe she could wrap your grilled cheese sandwich in plastic wrap or something first. Maybe some new tasty condiments would make her more likely to visit the kitchen. (Whipped cream can be surprisingly good on a grilled cheese sandwich).

    As a sandwich lover myself, I'd say the best cook book out there is 'The Guide to Getting It On', a self-published humorous volume that is enjoyable to read and has improved my cooking immensely. One of the best things about it is that it got me comfortable in the kitchen and made me reconsider things I had once dismissed as unworthy of my culinary skills. (Once upon a time I even swore I would never make a grilled cheese sandwich for anyone! Now I like to make them all the time and my boyfriend agrees they are the best.) Look it up, read it together, talk about it. Seriously, it's a good book.

    Posted by Jade Margery June 6, 09 02:21 AM
  1. Can't you make your own grilled cheese sandwich or do you need to be waited on?

    Posted by Chris June 6, 09 03:30 AM
  1. Has he asked her whether she is a Vegan ? Maybe she wants him to eat Grilled Tofu sandwiches. It also is possible that she might think that her cheese might smell like Limburger cheese and doesnt want him to eat it. Has he tried telling her that even if it is Limburger cheese he would eat it. I guess if she is still adamant, maybe he shouldnt let her eat hot dogs or sausages.

    Posted by Sam June 6, 09 03:35 AM
  1. Make your own flippin sandwich........moron, it's not always about you. If a GCS is the only concern you have about commitment then maybe larger issues await you down the path of life. I have been happily married for 10 years and we can always find a way around something as trivial as a stinking sandwich. Make it yourself, or teach her to make one, or even ask if it is an all together larger issue of compatibility that is keeping you from your culinary utopia.

    Posted by Chris Schumacher June 6, 09 03:52 AM
  1. It could be that she's made enough grilled cheese sandwiches in her life and there's no good way to tell you this. There was one point in my life where I needed to make rent and I was just making grilled cheese sandwiches for anyone and everyone for five dollars behind the back of a Dairy Queen. When you've made that many grilled cheese sandwiches, you wake up with the taste of them in your mouth and even thinking about making another one fills you with shame and dread.

    Enjoy your marriage!

    Posted by Clayton June 6, 09 05:21 AM
  1. I say learn how to make your own grilled cheese! IT is that easy! You would get your grilled cheese and she would not have to worry about it! Try adding cooked chicken. Its insanely delicious...

    Posted by Candice June 6, 09 05:35 AM
  1. Something tells me the "grilled cheese" is merely a metaphor for the "other" thing he isn't getting from her. And who'd blame her? She should dump him, he MUST be crummy in the sack anyway!

    Posted by Jim Christian June 6, 09 06:28 AM

    Posted by Stuart June 6, 09 07:27 AM
  1. I had a girl friend for a while who loved making me grilled cheese sandwiches. Problem was she absolutely hated it when I wanted to reciprocate. I thought for a while it was me, and that I might need cooking classes, but when I did ask her what her aversion to "Breakfast in bed" was all about, and all she could say was she had never liked it with any of her past "Chef's" no matter their culinary expertise. It was a simple aversion. She absolutely loves Hot Dogs though.

    Posted by Andrew Morgan June 6, 09 09:09 AM
  1. The advice columnist Dan Savage frequently mentions in his pieces that Grilled Cheese Sandwiches should be considered standard equipment. Well, except for "Grilled Cheese Sandwich" he uses either uses the correct terminology or the common slang and doesn't use these silly euphemisms.

    Posted by Andrew June 6, 09 10:19 AM
  1. Compatibility is important in a relationship. If being able to eat grilled cheese sandwiches is that important to him, and she refuses to make it for him, that's an obvious break in their compatibility.

    Posted by Anonymous June 6, 09 11:41 AM
  1. Speaking from experience here, I am a woman married to a man who will NOT eat tacos. He managed to force himself twice so far, but I got nothing from it, as it was OBVIOUS that he was forcing himself to eat the taco. We've been together for 6 years now, and I do resent him a bit for it, but not enough to leave him or anything. I invested in toys that simulate taco eating. It's actually nicer, as you don't have to worry about the toy being "grossed out", and you can make the toy eat the taco exactly the way you like it.

    Posted by Connie June 6, 09 11:42 AM
  1. There are better meals out there that satisfy both sides, so get over it.

    Posted by Adam June 6, 09 11:54 AM
  1. It comes down to this:
    Which would you prefer: going the rest of your life without a grilled cheese sandwich, or going the rest of your life without her?

    If you chose the latter, she's not the one for you anyway.

    Posted by GamingMedley.com June 6, 09 02:15 PM
  1. Finding your favorite restaurant is not an easy thing, and sometimes you have to try out a couple you think you might like before settling in. If you really like this particular restaurant, but GCS are that important to you and it's not on the menu, you've got two choices, find out why the chef doesn't have them on the menu or find a new restaurant to eat at. Once you make that commitment to "this is my place", sneaking out for a snack at another diner around the corner is not acceptable. Customer loyalty is very important in the restaurant business! At the same time, a chef doesn't want a customer that's always bitching about the food or lack of service. Your lack of customer loyalty or bitching would probably result in the chef kicking you out of the restaurant and being told to never come back. If you could enjoy all of the other sandwiches on the menu and be happy, that’s great. If not, keep searching. Personally I enjoy the turkey sandwich so much (plain, with all the toppings, toasted, it doesn't matter), that I don't miss having a GCS for lunch every day. When the GCS does show up on the daily specials menu, I enjoy them that much more.

    There are a ton of great restaurants out there, you just have to find the one that's right for you. I love the restaurants where you get to cook for the chefs too, more than them cooking for me. Some of the chef's even offer cooking classes now with hands on instruction! It's fun to find out their favorite way to make a meal. Unfortunately, my favorite restaurant shut down a few months ago and I've been forced to search for a new favorite. I've had a couple of meals out at different places, but haven't been able to find my new favorite yet. I'm starting to get a little hungry. :(

    One more bit of advice, don't always listen to the critics reviews of restaurants. One man's bad meal may be perfect to you. The chef might have had a bad night, didn't like that particular customer, etc. One exception, if they mention the food was spoiled and rancid, you may want to stay away. :) Oh, and if someone else mentions they have a favorite restaurant, it's usually bad form to make it your favorite one too.

    Good luck in your search...

    Posted by IASITPA June 6, 09 02:27 PM
  1. If her mind is going to be broadened on this (assuming no prior bad cooking experiences), it won't come from you--you're the interested party. She might be more receptive to advice from a fellow chef, who can let her know what she's missing, how it's an acquired taste, some special techniques for beginners or for working around the difficult parts, or just developing good skills. It will be much more credible and less threatening from a fellow cook than from you.

    Is she open to video cookbooks? Nina Hartley has good ones. There are also lots of online recipes. Some are not the usual male perspective but are from very reputable women cooks. You just have to hunt a little harder for those.

    Posted by Guest June 6, 09 03:07 PM
  1. i think for me, obsession with grilled cheese sandwiches came from watching too many cookery programmes - cut those out & problem solved.

    Posted by Ptrar June 6, 09 04:02 PM
  1. Have you considered that she might not be allergic to the entire sandwich? Some women don't like the smell, taste, or texture of wheat and certainly won't swallow it -- some are downright allergic to it for whatever formative reason, and it turns them off making the whole grilled cheese. Perhaps she might be willing to make you a gluten-free grilled cheese instead (and she might be able to enjoy it without the
    fear of the end result of a wheat aftertaste), and you can finish off with ice cream afterwards.

    I say this as a fan of making grilled cheese sandwiches, but I wasn't when I was younger -- do ensure the entire kitchen area is spotless and the planters on the windowsill are completely free of weeds. The ambiance of the kitchen will make a huge difference.

    (That said, while not a fan, I still made them when in a longer-term living space with someone. Being older now I would find it a Liz Lemon-esque dealbreaker to not be making and eating sandwiches in any kind of house with a kitchen in it.)

    Posted by Sa(h)ra June 6, 09 04:48 PM
  1. Finding your favorite restaurant is not an easy thing, and sometimes you have to try out a couple you think you might like before settling in. If you really like this particular restaurant, but GCS are that important to you and it's not on the menu, you've got two choices, find out why the chef doesn't have them on the menu or find a new restaurant to eat at. Once you make that commitment to "this is my place", sneaking out for a snack at another diner around the corner is not acceptable. Customer loyalty is very important in the restaurant business! At the same time, a chef doesn't want a customer that's always bitching about the food or lack of service. Your lack of customer loyalty or bitching would probably result in the chef kicking you out of the restaurant and being told to never come back. If you could enjoy all of the other sandwiches on the menu and be happy, that’s great. If not, keep searching. Personally I enjoy the turkey sandwich so much (plain, with all the toppings, toasted, it doesn't matter), that I don't miss having a GCS for lunch every day. When the GCS do show up on the daily specials menu, I enjoy them that much more.

    There are a ton of great restaurants out there, you just have to find the one that's right for you. I love the restaurants where you get to cook for the chefs too, more than them cooking for me. Some of the chef's even offer cooking classes now with hands on instruction! It's fun to find out their favorite way to make a meal. Unfortunately, my favorite restaurant shut down a few months ago and I've been forced to search for a new favorite. I've had a couple of meals out at different places, but haven't been able to find my new favorite yet. I'm starting to get a little hungry. :(

    One more bit of advice, don't always listen to the critics reviews of restaurants. One man's bad meal may be perfect to you. The chef might have had a bad night, didn't like that particular customer, etc. One exception, if they mention the food was spoiled and rancid, you may want to stay away. :) Oh, and if someone else mentions they have a favorite restaurant, it's usually bad form to make it your favorite one too.

    Good luck in your search...

    Posted by IASITPA June 6, 09 05:26 PM
  1. I prefer making grilled cheese sandwiches, but it would feel wrong to make a grilled cheese sandwich for someone who would not make one for me. A woman's place is not always in the kitchen, and it's tough to be relegated there even if you don't prefer receiving sandwiches. Perhaps, you could make her a grilled cheese sandwich and show her how enjoyable it is to eat one. Put some love into your grilled cheese sandwich, and if she does not see the benefit of mutualism, maybe it's time to move on.

    Posted by j June 6, 09 05:59 PM
  1. If it's such a problem to him he can make one himself, it's not that hard. If hes under the assumption that this woman he's seeing just has t make food for him maybe shes the one that should break it off?
    assuming the person writing the letter is serious of course.

    Posted by Meghan. June 6, 09 06:28 PM
  1. I find it astonishingly amazing and equally frightening that it seems very obvious that we are not actually talking about FOOD, yet some of you seem very lost to reality. Are we so literal as a society that we would even imagine such a topic would be up for discussion?

    It's called reciprocation of intimacy. And if you become lazy and the sandwich starts to look not right for your general consumption because of the who it's attached to, well then that's the only reason the feeding should stop--cherried with a short and hopefully consensual discussion on the end. However, if it's just that the girl doesn't know how to prepare such a dish, there are many selections in your local video store which might give you more insight--and her a little bit more confidence. But at the end of the day, the enthusiasm is equally matched to the feelings you have for the party the sandwich is attached to--and nothing less

    Posted by endwhysee June 6, 09 06:59 PM
  1. Make it yourself you lazy, fat man.

    Posted by terry June 6, 09 08:08 PM
  1. The problem here really runs deeper than a lack of grilled cheese. The problem is that NGC's girlfriend is disgusted by his bread. The fact that after 2.5 years NGC's girlfriend refuses to even try his bread says something deeper about her. While certain culinary experiments can be painful for one of the parties involved, making grilled cheese is (well, should be) painless for everyone involved, and the "ick" factor can even be minimized by not eating the whole sandwich. Imagine if you went through your whole life without trying new foods! You'd still be eating Gerber! As long as the bread isn't moldy or weird, and the whole grill area is clean, it is unreasonable of NGC's girlfriend to refuse to even try eating his bread, ESPECIALLY since she receives sandwiches from him. It is hurtful on a deeper level to know that someone you love is grossed out by something so fundamental to your kitchen, especially when you have demonstrated that you are not grossed out by theirs.
    And to the people who say she will never make him a sandwich- I felt the same way as NGC's girlfriend about grilled cheese for a long time ("ick"), but after being with my boyfriend for 6 months I decided to try to make him one. And guess what, now I LOVE making grilled cheese sandwiches, and I make them for him a couple times a day, and sometimes even in the car or on the beach. :)
    NGC, it is not selfish of you. If you are having emotional problems, you can turn to other friends, or even get a therapist to help you if it's serious. If you are having trouble at work, you can talk to a colleague. Trouble in school? The professor is there to help, and usually tutors are available too. But when there are problems in the kitchen, the two people cooking are completely dependent on each other (or at least in NGC's relationship). And therein lies the problem: NGC's girlfriend is not even willing to meet him halfway, on a problem he can't turn to anyone else with. So yeah, of course he resents her. I would too.

    Posted by A Girl June 6, 09 10:26 PM
  1. The problem here really runs deeper than a lack of grilled cheese. The problem is that NGC's girlfriend is disgusted by his bread. The fact that after 2.5 years NGC's girlfriend refuses to even try his bread says something deeper about her. While certain culinary experiments can be painful for one of the parties involved, making grilled cheese is (well, should be) painless for everyone involved, and the "ick" factor can even be minimized by not eating the whole sandwich. Imagine if you went through your whole life without trying new foods! You'd still be eating Gerber! As long as the bread isn't moldy or weird, and the whole grill area is clean, it is unreasonable of NGC's girlfriend to refuse to even try eating his bread, ESPECIALLY since she receives sandwiches from him. It is hurtful on a deeper level to know that someone you love is grossed out by something so fundamental to your kitchen, especially when you have demonstrated that you are not grossed out by theirs.
    And to the people who say she will never make him a sandwich- I felt the same way as NGC's girlfriend about grilled cheese for a long time ("ick"), but after being with my boyfriend for 6 months I decided to try to make him one. And guess what, now I LOVE making grilled cheese sandwiches, and I make them for him a couple times a day, and sometimes even in the car or on the beach. :)
    NGC, it is not selfish of you. If you are having emotional problems, you can turn to other friends, or even get a therapist to help you if it's serious. If you are having trouble at work, you can talk to a colleague. Trouble in school? The professor is there to help, and usually tutors are available too. But when there are problems in the kitchen, the two people cooking are completely dependent on each other (or at least in NGC's relationship). And therein lies the problem: NGC's girlfriend is not even willing to meet him halfway, on a problem he can't turn to anyone else with. So yeah, of course he resents her. I would too.

    Posted by agirlwholoves June 6, 09 11:40 PM
  1. Once you get married, hopefully you will become lactose intolerant as cheese of any kind will no longer become available. At least if you are lactose intolerant, you have a reason for not having cheese. Get a dog, or a hobby.

    Posted by cheeseless June 7, 09 12:04 AM
  1. I pose another "food for thought" moment my friend. Being a guy I totally dig Grilled Cheese. What you need to ask yourself is is said deal does become broken are you gonna be lonely guy down the road realizing you may have made a huge mistake? Just the thought of a good GC from a former girlfriend gets me excited but I also think due to my current status I figure I'd give up GC's for life to have one of'em back. Then again if your one of those guys that is good with the ladies then do what you gotta do.

    Posted by Dave Taylor June 7, 09 01:36 AM
  1. You guys are all morons. Making grilled cheese is easy. Heat up a frying pan, butter a slice of bread on one side, put cheese on the unbuttered side, butter another slice of bread on one side and place it on top. Put the sandwich into the pan and flip after the side that's being cooked is golden.

    Come on, seriously. I'm sure you can make your own.

    Posted by The Cook June 7, 09 02:28 AM
  1. "If it's such a problem to him he can make one himself, it's not that hard."

    Actually, making a grilled cheese for *yourself* is downright impossible for the vast majority of men. Ever hear the urban legend about [famous person] having a rib removed so that they could do it?

    No, as in all things kitchen-related, the dish comes out the best when all the kitchen staff are in sync: the chef needs to be able to describe what he wants and the sous chef needs to follow the requests and, ideally, get a lot of pleasure from the arrangement herself. With enough communication, a good sous chef tends to be able to anticipate what the chef is looking for and let me tell you, *those* kinds of grilled cheese sandwiches are fantastic!

    On a side note, I wonder if our friend has ever tried suggesting that he could prepare her an open face club sandwich at the same time as she prepares a grilled cheese for him. Most kitchens tend to enable the two to be made at the same time, after all.

    Posted by Matt June 7, 09 03:01 AM
  1. I think he should make it himself if he wants it so badly. just my two cents.

    Posted by Kado June 7, 09 10:45 AM
  1. how about you stop being so lazy and make your own damn grilled cheese?

    Posted by jack June 7, 09 11:25 AM
  1. WAITAMINNIT AGAIN!!! ownchef2009 (#228) Are you seriously comparing your loss of grilled cheese to your wife's medical trauma?!!

    You give no time frame. Many (if not most) women want to pretty much stay out of the kitchen for a while after childbirth. (Q to any ob/gyns out there - is it the women or the men who most often ask about returning to the kitchen post-partum?) What you *do* tell us is that, following childbirth, your wife also survived breast cancer. SURVIVED, dude. They use that word for a reason. How long ago? It could well be that your sensitivity (or complete lack thereof) to her recovery is why she isn't interested in cooking with you anymore. Don't assume that you're the only one in the kitchen who may be contemplating divorce, pal.

    So, "Headless", any more thoughts on all this? Or have you run for cover...

    Posted by Lola June 7, 09 12:43 PM
  1. Haha after reading this I'm craving both types of grilled cheese. Well, at least I know I can get one of them.

    Posted by Jen June 7, 09 01:35 PM
  1. #237: I find it astonishingly amazing that not just one, not two, no at least a dozen people have said "make your own". That's super clueless on multiple levels. Even if the guy is one of the exceptionally rare contortionists out there, that's hardly the same as having your partner doing it. And even if you thought "grilled cheese" means something other than what most of the people here understand it to mean, it *still* isn't the same as having your partner doing it.


    Posted by Dave June 7, 09 01:56 PM
  1. From the woman's point of view:
    I love making grilled cheese sandwiches. Only my husband really doesn't like them. I can't remember the last time I gave him one. In our 3+ years of marriage I have probably made 3- sandwiches and only after he went about scrubbing the kitchen for an extreme amound of time beforehand.

    I don't miss making the sandwiches and it's definitely not a deal breaker. Giving someone a sandwich who obviously hates it but will eat it anyway just to make you happy.... Well, it doesn't make me happy. I used to believe that I *needed* to make a sandwich for my husband every once in a while but I really don't. There's lots of other stuff I love to do in the kitchen (well, with the kitchen) that my husband enjoys just as much as I do and that's also why those dishes are way more fun for both of us than grilled cheese sandwiches...

    So, my opinion: If you love her and enjoy her cooking (apart from the lack of sandwiches) then you should propose.

    Posted by Anna June 7, 09 03:50 PM
  1. Have you given any thought to watching a few carefully-selected cooking classes together? It can really help to overcome resistance to something she might be reacting to as a frightening technical challenge or an abnormal craving, and give her more confidence in the kitchen.

    If she's averse to this idea, then that's another indication that she isn't willing to make a reasonable accommodation in the relationship. My husband and I have been enjoying video cooking lessons for years, and it's really improved both the quality and quantity of our own kitchen efforts.

    Posted by patienceltd June 7, 09 08:11 PM
  1. GCS is a METAPHOR! Shees.

    Posted by Wolfie52 June 7, 09 08:16 PM
  1. Wolfie52 has failed at reading between the lines.

    Posted by patienceltd June 7, 09 09:03 PM
  1. Wolfie52 has failed at reading between the lines.

    Posted by patienceltd June 7, 09 09:03 PM
  1. Make your own dam sandwich! If you loved her properly, you would have time to be thinking about what you are not getting. keep practicing.

    Posted by Chris Painter June 7, 09 09:09 PM
  1. I think most women don't care about getting this as much as men do. If he offers, maybe it is just because he likes to. That has been my experience - tasty but not my favorite meal and I have never asked for it - so if I don't always reciprocate I am not going to feel guilty.

    And as others have said making it for guys it does have negative connotations (why do guys say it to each other as an insult? childish homophobia I guess) which can make it harder for women to get into.

    I could see it being hard (no pun intended) if she will never make it for you, but aren't there are more important things in life? Unless it is an indicator of some bigger problem...

    I don't understand guys who get years into a relationship then want to end it over something they knew about from the beginning. It was nice to give it some time, but if it is that big a deal why lead her on for this long?

    Posted by one woman's perspective June 7, 09 11:55 PM
  1. Wow! What a can of worms! I don't think there's this much derision on 4chan about what's the most "awesomest video game".

    It seems to me that many of us are projecting our own likes and dislikes, our own regrets and disappointments, our own opinions and morals. So many comments about power and control, obligation and entitlement, selfishness and sacrifice.

    Since everyone is offering their advice, here's mine: Stop listening to us. Listen to your lady. Listen to your heart. Listen to your head. Make a choice, because only you can decide this one. (Sorry to sound like Dad)

    The choices we make (good or bad) are what make our life our own. And remember: They call it the pursuit of happiness because that's all it is, a pursuit. Happiness ain't got a guarantee like a toaster from Wal-Mart.

    Here's hoping you find what you are looking for, or the contentment with what you have.

    Posted by Ken June 8, 09 03:21 AM
  1. Just give yourself a grilled cheese sandwich. Problem solved!

    Make sure to stretch first, though. Giving grilled cheese sandwiches to yourself is not as easy as it sounds.

    Posted by borntoroam June 8, 09 07:46 AM
  1. I was engaged to a man who didn't like making or receiving grilled cheese at all. While I really enjoyed both. It was really unusual because every other man I dated really enjoyed my grilled cheese. So I don't think it was that the grilled cheese wasn't good. To make matters worse, I had some medical issues that made serving the main course very painful for me. In seven years, I received grilled cheese from him maybe 15 times. And because the main course was painful for me (AND he didn't like serving grilled cheese and didn't put a lot of work into when he did) I was never able to reach that post grilled-cheese euphoria with him...in seven years.

    When things in our relationship started to show strain, we didn't have that physical chemistry or compatible to help get through those rocky periods. I strayed once right before we got engaged after 6 years, just to see what I was missing. That only made it worse for me and helped solidify my decision. I didn't realize or appreciate how incompatible we were and unhappy I was until I gave back the ring and started dating other people who thoroughly enjoyed my grilled cheese and making it for me.

    Posted by Dena June 8, 09 01:39 PM
  1. make your own grilled cheese sandwich

    Posted by Anonymous June 8, 09 02:12 PM

    Posted by Been around June 8, 09 02:55 PM
  1. Maybe she could make you a tossed salad instead?

    Posted by Jonathan K. June 8, 09 06:20 PM
  1. I wouldn't take relationship advice from anyone afraid to say "oral sex."

    Posted by SturgeonsLaw June 8, 09 08:50 PM
  1. Thank you SturgeonsLaw. If the question is valid and worthy of discussion, then why can't it be discussed without resorting to grade-school euphemisms?
    If I was the reader who had asked this question I would be insulted by this response which seems to say "shame on you for bringing up this r-rated topic, but it titillated us so here, we'll answer it with a nice condescending tone as if you're a 5 year old. Isn't grilled cheese great, boys and girls?"
    Besides, has anybody gone and looked up grilled cheese is really slang for? I highly doubt that's what the reader was asking about, which makes this just so much more absurd.

    Posted by A rather cheesed-out blog reader June 9, 09 01:47 AM

    Posted by Spooky June 9, 09 12:44 PM
  1. My husband usually scratches my back while I'm making his grilled cheese. Is there something she likes that you can do for her while she is making grilled cheese to get her mind off of it? You definitely need to find out from her why she won't make the grilled cheese. If it's the oil that drips out when the sandwich is finished that makes her gag, then she needs to know that she doesn't have to eat it at that point. She can use her hands and squeeze the extra oil out that way.

    Maybe if you wash the cheese first really good and make the sandwich right after, it would be more appetizing. Have you thought of taking a razor and trimming all the "mold" off the cheese beforehand? Flavored oils?

    Well, I wish you luck!

    Posted by CB June 9, 09 12:50 PM
  1. I have NEVER laughed so hard in my life. All 43 years of it.

    Posted by sandanna June 9, 09 01:12 PM
  1. This Grilled Cheese Sandwich Talk is making me Hungry.....I am going to step out and get a bite to eat before I go home and my wife gives me rusty trombone lessons

    Posted by Richard Pohle June 9, 09 01:26 PM
  1. Anyone else ravenous for a sandwich now?

    Posted by Hungry June 9, 09 01:45 PM
  1. Tell him to make his own darn sandwich, what an idiot!!

    Posted by Kelly Kerbow June 9, 09 02:46 PM
  1. I'M STARVING!!!!!!! This was tooooo funny....I love reading everyones answers - and the funny funny ones are tooooooooo fn funny!!!! And the "maybe she likes her "grilled cheese black" made be roar with laughter!!!!! Here's to HUMOR - laugh while we can!!!!!

    Posted by Spooky aka Been around June 9, 09 04:54 PM
  1. Perhaps she doesn't really know how to cook grill cheese sandwiches or she tried once and they came out burnt. You should discuss this with her and let her know I am a professional chef and willing to help her perfect her grilled cheese skills.

    Posted by JPaul June 9, 09 04:58 PM
  1. This whole discussion is by turns hilarious and interesting perspective-wise (not counting the literalists who are diligently providing actual sandwich recipes).

    I've been with the same man for 12 years, married for two. From the first time we ever got in the kitchen, I was upfront about the fact that a violent attack years ago left me unable to make grilled cheese sandwiches without not only gagging but being physically ill. Counseling didn't work--it isn't even mental anymore, it's a purely physical reaction. I can prep all the ingredients, but that's as far as it goes. In all other respects I am an excellent chef and the menu is varied. He is an excellent chef himself and makes (and enjoys immensely) superb grilled cheese sandwiches.

    After all this time, he does occasionally lament the lack of this menu item, and I have to say it really hurts my feelings--why would he want me to do something that not only makes me ill, but consequently ruins the entire meal for me? It's not about him--I don't find his bread or anything about him repugnant--it's that I simply can't make a fully browned toasty grilled cheese sandwich for anyone. This has been the case from the beginning. It's not like I don't prepare other items that are to his liking that I wouldn't make otherwise, so I don't feel I'm being entirely inflexible.

    Just two cents from the dark side.

    Posted by cooking tonight June 9, 09 05:05 PM
  1. No, definitely couldn't live without "grilled cheese sandwiches." Neither could hubby. Would be a deal-breaker for me. He needs to shop at another restaurant. LOL!

    Posted by DawnK June 9, 09 10:16 PM
  1. Way too much Grilled Cheese comments here. Here is the deal...treat others as you would like to be treated. You want something, give it back. You expect something clean, make sure yours is clean...I am sooo tired of people being lazy and expecting stuff and not living up to their end of the bargain.

    Women are often missing something that men get all the time...so, I suggest you make sure she gets everything she needs and enjoys every minute of it before you go making demands. Then, demand away...just make sure you have grounds to stand on. If she has no excuses after that, well then perhaps you do need to go somewhere else, but make sure she knows first why you are leaving. If she doesn’t like making grilled cheese, I am thinking perhaps there are other issues in that realm. There are classes, books, videos, plenty of couple research that you can do…

    Eventually, someone will cheat…cause it doesn’t sound like either of you are satisfied. In my opinion neither of you are cutting the mustard. If you were, I’d be willing to bet she’d make you anything.
    wish grilled cheese wasnt the euph

    Posted by Anonymous June 9, 09 10:29 PM
  1. Growing up, my dad taught me how to make a grilled cheese sandwich. I think I make better ones than he does.

    Posted by Grilled Cheeseburlgar June 10, 09 06:44 AM
  1. Many of the comments here completely miss the point. These two people are not going to get the help they need from glib advice online. They need to see a couples therapist with special expertise in sex therapy. Their relationship, though obviously important to both of them, is in significant jeopardy because of a sexual issue. She isn't going to just suddenly "get over it" because he's important to her. She may, however be willing to commit to work on their relationship with the help of an experienced therapist, who may give them some very structured exercises to help her approach her fear/disgust in a way that feels non-threatening and safe. In addition, other issues that may underlie this conflict will be exposed and explored.

    Posted by bzbee June 10, 09 09:13 AM
  1. Ask her to coat the grilled cheese sandwich with a good thick layer of strawberry jam. That way nobody will even know there's cheese inside. My girlfriend always makes mine covered in strawberry or raspberry jam, mint sauce or even pina colada.

    Posted by Randy June 10, 09 12:00 PM
  1. If you think you are going to cheat on her because you really need a grilled cheese sandwich, you should leave. She would be better off without you.

    Posted by Jenna June 10, 09 12:37 PM
  1. You should just got a panini machine and grill your own cheese! It's not that hard dumb dumb!

    Posted by Billy June 10, 09 02:04 PM
  1. HH - thanks for some entertainment, despite the seriousness of your predicacment.

    Context: 42, married 19 years, 2 kids, 1 wife.

    Observations from myself and "most" friends who talk about it.
    1) Except in rare circumstances, the menu rarely gets bigger over time, and you will likely miss many meals and deserts that used to be on the old menus you came to love. Add kids and age and you better be starting from a very strong menu and meal frequency or you will quickly reduce to a point that you are not happy.
    2) Like people always advise women, don’t marry someone expecting to change them over time to be what you really want. Make your decisions on what they are, not what you hope them to be after waving some magic wand.
    3) Getting a GC from someone that is not enjoying themselves means it is probably bad for both of you. It is about the same as going out for fast-food, but with even more potential for emotional damage on both sides. It also probably means that they have not really cared enough to learn how to do it well, so is it even worth all that?

    On your other comments: “eating at the park” is a pretty good indication of a large menu and an open mind. If they cook that, the list must be pretty damn good. Keep things in perspective. Very few are professional chefs that are excited much less interested or comfortable with all culinary possibilities. It is just rare to get Indian, Chinese, and good BBQ at the same place. You just have to compromise expectations at some point to say “I have enough” , and just be happy.

    I would agree that GCs are pretty basic to a man feeling happy and served. To be honest for the women who question the”true” male motivation, I think you are right, there really is a sense of power involved. It comes from being at the center of the universe for a couple of minutes. Despite the modern cultural fallacy of a male dominant society, there are rare times that today’s men, much less a husband and father, just sits back and gets something as enjoyable and selfish as a good grilled cheese sandwich. And yes, it is selfish. It is indulgent. It is about someone doing something just for you, ideally with no strings or expectations at that moment. No kids, no job, no boss, no mortgage worries, it is just about you. It just makes you feel liked/loved/desired/powerful/important. Beyond the physical part that comes with a great chef, all of that is why we like them so much, and the women who indulge us with their passion and enthusiasm for the sandwich.

    Good luck HH. I hope it works out for you.

    Posted by birthdaysonly June 10, 09 02:07 PM
  1. I think you should talk to her about what you want. I think you should hear her concerns about why she doesn't want to do this. And if you still want it, and she still doesn't want to do it, I think you should let her go. Actually, I think she should let you go. I had a man who had a preference that I just wasn't interested in filling because of a large ick factor, and he just couldn't stop himself from being resentful. It was as if I couldn't appreciate how central this was to him, and he couldn't appreciate my reasons for not wanting to do it. It was a choice, and some things just can't be compromised on when they seem central concerns (physical satisfaction vs. being required to do something that brings you great dissatisfaction).

    The funny thing is that for a long time he was the one feeling (and sometimes hinting) that he 'would have to leave me' for someone else more accommodating. He actually seemed surprised that I was the one that ended it. It was as if he couldn't understand why I would be the one leaving him, which implied that he really never understood my perspective on this (why would I leave, because he was the one that was being denied). So while I thought he would be relieved that I left, oddly enough, he was actually resentful about that too, claiming I never really loved him. Go figure.

    Posted by June June 10, 09 04:39 PM
  1. Deal breaker. Your craving won't get better, it will get worse. Find out her reasons for denying you this ORAL PLEASURE - she may not know how to grill cheese. If she can't come up with a reason you can live with - go find another fish. There are plenty of OPEN-MOUTHED bass out there...

    Posted by sondra June 10, 09 04:39 PM
  1. My last grilled cheese sandwich overflowed with LarryFredo sauce and
    it made my significant other gag. I haven't had a grilled cheese sandwich since January.

    Posted by Schmuel Zonneville June 10, 09 04:51 PM
  1. If men were flexible enough, with giraffe sized necks and were physically capable of making their own grilled cheese sandwiches, the human race would cease to exist. I'm getting hungry for a swordfish sandwich myself.

    Posted by Schmuel Zonneville June 10, 09 05:11 PM
  1. It won't get better. This is a deal breaker. But look at it this way: at least she's honest with you about her cooking.

    My cousin's girlfriend made grilled cheese all the time, right up until they got married, and then stopped. A few years later he found out that she'd been planning to stop all along once they were married. Now they're divorced. They both remarried. A few years later, her new husband left her too.

    Posted by Chuck E Cheese June 11, 09 07:54 PM
  1. Dump her. Life's too short to live with a bad cook. Echoing some others, my gf once came by my office at actual lunchtime (no euphemism) to fix me a grilled cheese sandwich in my office (euphemism). I never told anybody, but I felt really lucky, and I was pretty sure my pals would be jealous if I told them. By our first anniversary, grilled cheese was off the menu unless I asked over and over. By our second anniversary, she made such a big deal out of how awful it was to cook that I couldn't enjoy them anymore. By our fifth anniversary, she never went into the kitchen at all anymore.

    By our tenth anniversary, I had a new gf, and am now happily enjoying grilled cheese sandwiches again. My wife doesn't even care that I'm dining out, she's just glad she doesn't have to cook at all anymore. But lots of wives aren't so agreeable, so your smart move is dump her.

    Posted by Snuggles June 11, 09 08:26 PM
  1. I don't think it is unreasonable to ask for a grilled cheese sandwich every once in a while, however, if she doesn't like grilled cheese and everything else is PERFECT, he needs to take a look around, there are few perfect partners out there and when he is older it may not seem as important as all the rest of what she "Makes" for him, and if I wanted grilled cheese and my partner didn't, I would learn to live without it because I know there are few perfect partners out there. If he continues to fixate on what he does get, instead of all the wonderful meals he is getting, he is a being a bit selfish.

    Posted by Pat Jones June 12, 09 10:57 AM
  1. Grandma always said: The way someone treats you while you are dating is the best they will ever treat you.

    Posted by Sad and Grilledcheeseless June 12, 09 05:06 PM
  1. HA HA HA HA HA HA I bet she gets a grilled cheese!

    Posted by jojo June 13, 09 04:07 AM
  1. Most of us aren't capable of making our own grilled cheese. Just not that flexible. I didn't used to enjoy preparing this dish, until I read an informative article on the art of the grilled cheese. I went from nuking cheese on toast to being the Julia Childs of the croque monsier. My enjoyment comes from the look of utter delight on his face as I serve this dish. :) You are right to be concerned....life, family, children, health issues..all these impact your culinary endeavors. It matters.

    Posted by annie June 13, 09 07:31 AM
  1. Here's the deal dude...you can have lunch or dinner with a friend on occasion and order yourself a grilled cheese sandwich and what she doesn't know won't hurt either of you. It doesn't have to be as dramatic as a "deal breaker"!!! So few people can say they have found "the one". Don't throw away Ms. Perfect to quote you. And if you haven't found a way to indulge yourself in a grilled cheese sandwich over the last 2.5 years that's your own fault; not hers; it's honestly not that hard to figure out how to do.

    Posted by Just Keepin It Real June 15, 09 07:07 PM
  1. As a woman, I'm not a fan of grilled cheese. Oh, cheese crackers are fine and dandy and I don't mind the first couple of tastes of that grilled cheese sandwich, but finishing the entire thing makes my jaw sore and gives me a headache and a neck ache. And, on those rare occasions I do finish an entire grilled cheese sandwich, by the time I'm done cleaning up, he's snoring next to me, leaving me without a sandwich or dessert.

    Now, with that said I am well aware that men LOVE a grilled cheese sandwich. But, at the end of the day, men don't NEED a grilled cheese sandwich to get to dessert. Men can get to dessert after getting a bologna sandwich all the way up to a complete prime rib dinner. However, many, many women can't get anywhere near dessert without a grilled cheese sandwich being made for them. I realize, this isn't fair to the men who love getting grilled cheese, but have to make them all of the time, but the fact remains, men get dessert 99% of the time.

    Also, if he doesn't make me grilled cheese, there is no guarantee for dessert, at least for me. However, he gets dessert every, single time... whether there was a grilled cheese or not.

    What does this mean to you? Compromise... If it's just an aversion to finishing the sandwich, would she be happy starting it and you be happy finishing with spaghetti instead? Until you know her specific reason for not liking grilled cheese, you aren't going to be able to assist her in the kitchen.

    Posted by Michelle June 16, 09 01:05 AM
  1. maybe she has a wicked bad gag reflex and can't swallow grilled cheese sammies. that's a #1 complaint i hear from some of my friends on making them. no one likes retching after taking a couple of bites of a grilled cheese, i can see how that would be disgusting for her and totally embarressing that she would never want to do it. i on the other hand make a slammin' grilled cheese sammich. hell, i'll even put tomatoes and bacon in it if i have to.

    Posted by only-me June 16, 09 05:59 PM
  1. maybe she has a wicked bad gag reflex and can't swallow grilled cheese sammies. that's a #1 complaint i hear from some of my friends on making them. no one likes retching after taking a couple of bites of a grilled cheese, i can see how that would be disgusting for her and totally embarressing that she would never want to do it. i on the other hand make a slammin' grilled cheese sammich. hell, i'll even put tomatoes and bacon in it if i have to.

    Posted by only-me June 16, 09 06:00 PM
  1. Possible reasons for the lack of grilled cheese:
    1. Is the cheese in the sandwich of the "fromundacheese" variety?
    2. She may have received some extra cheese in her eye at some point in the past. I hear that can sting.
    3. She is on a diet....you would believe the number of calories in a tiny grilled cheese.
    If you head to the corner gas station in a less than desirable part of town I hear there are grilled cheeses sanwiches are available for about 20 bucks.
    Good Luck

    Posted by Mark June 17, 09 10:48 AM
  1. I once dated a girl who wouldn't make me a grilled cheese sandwich because she insisted that cheese (not just my cheese, but all cheese) was too disgusting to ingest. One day, when I dropped some cheese on her tummy I ate it myself and told her it tasted fine to me. This did not make her change her attitude towards these sandwiches, but it did take away her 'you don't know what it's like' argument. The moral of this story is a) I will do anything to win an argument, b) it really is no big deal, and c) people who are uptight about grilled cheese sandwiches usually turn out to be uptight about life, and who needs that?

    Posted by ScottA June 17, 09 01:19 PM
  1. Eat ALOT of pineapple,, and the "CHEESE" from the sandwich will be much sweeter for her,, my girl seems to enjoy it..

    Posted by Irish Carnie June 17, 09 04:09 PM
  1. I think if it were a new york weiner instead of grilled cheese she might come around

    Posted by William rice June 17, 09 06:21 PM
  1. Hey, great post, very well written. You should blog more about this.

    Posted by How I Make $300 a Day Online June 17, 09 08:14 PM
  1. i put a little mustard on the top of mine.

    Posted by gourmand852 June 17, 09 09:28 PM
  1. If she won't make one for him, then he can make one for himself!
    it's not completely difficult.
    all you need is bread, butter, and cheese.

    Posted by Alison June 18, 09 09:23 AM
  1. maybe shes refusing to make him the grilled cheese sandwich because he never eats her roast beef sandwich..........

    Posted by skydive June 18, 09 12:54 PM
  1. NGC is asking the right questions, but he is really the best one to answer them for himself. You like what you like, whether it's grilled cheese, mac and cheese or sloppy joes. If you 'gotta have it' and you can't get it at home you'd better be sure it's ok if you 'dine out'. If you can't have a conversation like this:
    "Honey, I feel like having a grilled cheese tonight after work."
    "Sorry, I can't make that for you."
    "That's okay, I'll grab one on the way home. I know a place that makes great grilled cheese. I'll try to be home by eight."
    "Okay, whew, that's great. Maybe you could pick me up some butter pecan ice cream on the way home?"
    "Sure, snookums, not a problem."

    Then you either have to resign yourself to no more grilled cheese (as long as she's your only cook) or find a new chef.

    There is no third option, really. Life sucks, except when it doesn't. Which ironic or not, has a lot to do with grilled cheese sandwiches.

    Posted by Dean June 19, 09 03:39 AM
  1. I don't mind cookin' up a grilled cheese but I DO miss a REALLY LARGE sausage sandwich. My husband has a Vienna sausage...the man I had an affair with last year had a Johnson Brothers Smoked Brat. Hubby and I have reconciled (he had an affair as well, and I have no idea whether or not she made him a grilled cheese, though I suspect she probably did). I'm not a glutton (or I didn't think I was) but I have discovered that, when it comes to a sandwich, bigger is definitely better, at least for me. Does that make me pathetic???

    Posted by The bigger the better June 20, 09 01:11 AM
  1. @swfoutsida

    giving that the guy says he makes grilled cheese sandwich for his woman yet she refuse to make some for him, I would say she is the selfish one.

    I have to wonder why you are so against grilled cheese sammiches and the fact that people like them

    Posted by Gooey grilled cheese sandwich in platic wrap June 20, 09 10:32 PM
  1. See, here's the thing about grilled cheese sandwiches - there is no work involved when somebody makes one for you. That is a big part of why they are great. The person making you one is essentially saying "You just relax, have a beer, and watch the game while I make this grilled cheese sandwich for you."

    Many women go with the "I need a grilled cheese sandwich or else I will go hungry, where the man could have a grilled cheese sandwich or any number of other meals and no longer feel hungry" line of thinking. The first part is fine and there is no reason for the woman not to have a grilled cheese sandwich of her own, but the relaxation factor of the grilled cheese cannot be overstated. Sometimes, it's fun to take a break from being the chef.

    Posted by Next Top Chef June 22, 09 10:33 AM
  1. Either learn how to make your own grill cheese sandwich. It is not that difficult or find a restaurant that makes a great grill cheese sandwich and buy one they are one of the cheepest items on the menu

    Posted by Gwen June 22, 09 11:48 AM
  1. If a man is not getting grilled cheese sandwiches and hasn't been able to find out why after 2.5 years, there is something much larger that is wrong. I'm sorry, but everything else is NOT perfect. There are rats in the kitchen. Get out.

    Posted by Joseph June 23, 09 07:52 AM
  1. Could it be his sandwich isn't big enough to tempt her?

    Posted by Bob Windbaggins June 24, 09 06:22 AM
  1. There really is something to be said about a good grilled cheese. And if the chef really knows what to do with the bread and the cheese, it can become somewhat of a master piece. You have really good Chefs who are proud of their works and then you line cooks who can’t really live up to the same standards. If you have ever gotten a gourmet grilled cheese then you’ll never go back to white bread and Kraft cheese. Just be aware of those Chefs that lure you with the gourmet grilled cheese and then after they have you are lucky to get any sandwiches. Even a crappy white bread/Kraft one!

    Posted by Sandwichmaker June 25, 09 11:25 AM
  1. Why can't he cook himself a grilled cheese sandwich!! Problem solved.

    Posted by Teresa June 25, 09 01:40 PM
  1. In my personal experience, a woman who refuses grilled cheese sandwiches stems from a fear of not being able to control the cheese oozing out and burning her mouth. This can easily be sorted out with a bit of control and a quick lesson in the anatomy of the cheese and observation of the incipient signs of oozing hot cheese. With the right kind of cheese and a consistent technique, she will find that grilled cheese sandwiches are nothing to fear. Take it slow and give her some time to get used to the hot oozing cheese and you'll both be happier.

    Posted by J. M. Cornwell June 26, 09 01:04 PM
  1. Maybe she doesn't like the taste when the cheese oozes out of the sandwich. Maybe if she could just nibble on the bread and then stop before the cheese gets all over the place she might reconsider. If not, perhaps she'd consider delivering the sandwich by hand rather than by bringing it to the table in her mouth. Perhaps that could be a sufficient compromise?

    Posted by lawyerdude666 June 29, 09 03:21 PM
  1. Somebody up there dissed the euphemistic approach to this question. I agree that adults (including Headless and his girlfriend) ought to be able to talk about oral sex openly. BUT. This thread would never have reached 350+ comments if the euphemism hadn't made it so fun and entertaining. It forced people into being more creative than they would've been otherwise.

    Plus, it's just so funny when people don't get it and keep insisting that the poor guy ought to make his own damn sandwich. Yeah! And work up a Cirque du Soleil act while you're at it!

    Posted by Jasph June 30, 09 03:48 PM
  1. I love grilled cheese, can't live with out making them. Sometimes I beg my guy to make him a grilled cheese!

    Posted by Jenn July 2, 09 08:18 PM
  1. Well, first off, maybe you should make your own damn [grilled cheese sandwich]. If she sees you [making your own grilled cheese sandwich], and enjoying it, she may be more willing to get involved...or at least be motivated not to be left out of [a good meal].

    Second, have you ever [made her a grilled cheese sandwich] first, or let her watch you [make a grilled cheese sandwich]?

    Lastly, what is [grilled cheese sandwich] a euphemism for? It might help to know...auto-erotic asphyxiation may be one thing, but cannibalism is quite another.

    Posted by oskamunda July 9, 09 06:08 PM
  1. Is this guy incapable of making his own grilled cheese sandwiches? This is NOT a deal breaker.

    Posted by Anonymous July 13, 09 01:33 PM
  1. Two key issues: security in the relationship, and happiness.
    Security: Cheese sandwiches are the great equalizer. Insecure in your relationship? Cheese will help. Thus every guy recalls that the craziest of his ex-girlfriends made the best GCS. For the majority of women, the urge to grill declines as security in the relationship increases - with marriage kids etc. Unfortunately the nicer the guy, the more secure the relationship, and the more completely this culinary skill is forgotten. Threatening to leave the relationship in order to get GCS is essentially a manipulation to decrease the woman's security - may be effective but just too cheesy.
    Happiness - this one from 30 years of marriage & relentless obsession re GCS - when a woman is happy, she is happy to grill. This is why newlyweds are such avid cooks. Women can't help but observe that GCS make the guy insanely, unreasonably, and instantly happy. But grilling is tough work, and it is particularly hard to get motivated when the woman is unhappy. Misery loves company. Guys can optimize their end of the relationship but unfortunately, there are lots of things that make women unhappy that are outside the guy's control. This is probably where the "for richer for poorer, etc" clause of the marriage contract kicks in.
    We are exiting a decade that entailed a fair amount of misery, aka teens. GCS are not flying out of the kitchen but the grill is lit.

    Posted by Velveeta July 13, 09 07:37 PM
  1. On first dates I always suggest Chinese food because I can't live without it. Once this girl said she absolutely hated Chinese food. I knew from that moment that it would never work out, so I stopped talking to her. Now I'm married to a wonderful person who loves chinese food as much as me :p and I couldn't be happier.

    So if you're sure that you can't live with the idea that she won't make you a GCS, he should call it quits and find someone that love GCS as much as he does.

    Posted by Stevo July 20, 09 06:39 AM
  1. This is the funniest thing I have read in years. I am in stiches. Meredith, you are a genius, and the posters are pretty fricken amazing too.

    I would totally just talk to her and tell her how you feel. Be sure to emphasize how great a cook she is. And that this is another sort of intimacy, and that you really want to share it with her. Then the rest is up to her.

    Posted by veggirl (not vegan.) August 11, 09 12:09 PM
  1. its not about the cincinnati bowties

    Posted by lol August 11, 09 12:15 PM
  1. Oh man. This made me laugh, especially the "no clam chowder for you..." line.

    Posted by ME August 11, 09 03:01 PM
  1. I am sorry but a gcs is a requirement--would be a deal breaker. If I'm willing to cook and eat a gcs for her then she should feel the same. Just the fact that she is willing--that may be enough. Otherwise it seems selfish. yankeetrucker1

    Posted by yankeetrucker1 August 11, 09 06:31 PM
  1. I sympathize with your GF...I absolutely hate making grilled cheese sandwiches...because when the kitchen gets hot, the cheese gets oily and gooey...and I just cannot deal with that! That's the honest truth, and no, I do not expect my BF to make me grilled cheese if I won't make it for him...If this is something you can't accept...do not marry your GF...It's not fair to her since you are already starting to harbor resentment and you aren't married yet!

    Posted by Diane August 11, 09 10:15 PM
  1. These are the worst attempts at funny euphemisms I've ever seen. I hope this entire readership plummets off the Zakim Bridge.

    P.S. Find a Jewish girl. She'll at least "make you grilled cheese" every day until you marry her.

    Posted by Wow August 12, 09 10:16 AM
  1. Why is it automatically her job to make the grilled cheese sandwiches? Does she cook most of the food or do you share the duties? If she does the majority of the cooking (which I suspect she does) then you should suck it up and make the grilled cheese part of the thing you contribute to the relationship. You should go so far as to ask her if she wants a grilled cheese sandwich and make one for her.

    And I'm talking about forever, till death do you part, unless you consider cooking to be the woman's job...

    Posted by Jolly Jeff August 13, 09 11:00 AM
  1. Gay men know their way around the kitchen. No one goes hungry. No complaints!

    Posted by John Boy August 13, 09 02:08 PM
  1. is the grilled cheese a metaphor for blow jobs?

    Posted by john September 1, 09 03:30 PM
  1. ::dies laughing::

    Yes, John, it's a metaphor for blow jobs. One which seems to have utterly escaped quite a few commenters. I think the funniest responses are the ones where it's hard to tell whether or not they get it.

    Posted by DLA September 13, 09 03:28 AM
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Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.

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