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An almost-pregnancy

Posted by Meredith Goldstein  June 16, 2009 09:42 AM

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Good morning. To balance yesterday’s happy letter, you get a sad one today.

And before I forget – a few of you emailed to ask about the aftermath of Friday’s letter from Trying Not to Be Jealous, whose boyfriend was taking another woman to the Cape. TNTBJ promised me by email yesterday that she’d send us a relationship update as soon as she has one. She also says thanks for the advice.

For now, focus on this:

Q: I am a 33 year old male. I was recently dating a great 26 year old woman for about 3 months. We really seemed into each other, and she was constantly telling me how great I was to her, and how much I meant to her. She would tell me that she never dated anyone who ever made her feel half as good as I do. Then a little more than a week ago we had a pregnancy scare. Her period was a few days late. During those days she was very nervous, but wouldn't actually take a pregnancy test. I told her that if she was pregnant, I would be there for her and support her in every way possible. Well fortunately she had the period and we were clear. But she wasn't acting the same. She was distant. Within a week she broke up with me. She said she felt "smothered" -- that things were moving too fast. That she didn't feel anything for me anymore. I just don't understand how things can go from incredible to over in a week's time. I did nothing but my best for her the entire time. I don't want to lose her, when I think she is just freaking out or panicking. I tried to discuss it with her more, but she asked me not to call her anymore so I haven't. I don't know what to do. I am very hurt. She was easily the best experience I ever had, and I really want her back. Is this "feeling smothered" thing just a line women feed men to get rid of them, or is it a legit feeling? What do your female readers think I should do? My gut tells me to just back off and wait for her to miss me, but it is so hard. I am so attached right now.

-- VeryAttached, Boston

A: My thought is – it’s not that her feelings for you changed, it’s that the pregnancy scare shed light on all that she’s not ready for. You told her you’d be there for her no matter what. And she was probably thinking, “Uh oh. Do I want this person to be here for me no matter what? Am I ready?” The answer, sadly, was no. And after three months, she's allowed to make that decision.

You’re in your 30s and ready to be incredible to someone. She sounds like a twenty-something who’s not quite there yet. An almost-pregnancy made that quite clear.

All you can do is say to her, “I think you’re amazing. I know this is more than you’re ready for, but I think it’s worth trying. I promise to go slow. Let me know what you think.” Then you walk away. Then you wait by the phone and cry a bit. That’s how this goes.

If she doesn’t come around, you’ll eventually see that there are many women (especially the ones who are exactly your age) who are more than ready for an incredible guy like you who plans to stick around.

I’m sorry, though. It’s not easy.

Readers? Think she’ll change her mind after she gets over the shock of the almost-pregnancy? Should VA be hopeful? Am I wrong about moving on? Share here.

-- Meredith

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178 comments so far...
  1. His attitude is a big red flag already. If this is the way he acts (evading you, trying to avoid the conflict at hand), imagine how much worse it could be if you were more invested in him where emotions are involved AND you almost geo preg. Sounds like the kind of guy who would screw you over and leave it up to you to handle it. Meredith says what's best it's time to move on and find someone who is really worth your time. I understand it's difficult because this one lacked closure, but from the way he's acting, it isn't really needed. Just chalk it up to a bad experience and get on with life without him.
    And be more careful when having sex next time, pregnancy scares aren't any fun.

    Posted by JcJc June 16, 09 10:00 AM
  1. he IS really really immature. And though you've prob never dated anyone younger than him, you were completely fooled by his shy, carefully chosen words, outlook on life and worldly traveling experience. Egh. Maybe you were making a conflict out of nothing and shouldn't have pushed for to sit down and talk, as you understand from his actions he is really dreading it. Also, at one point he told you he had not yet decided what he was going to say.
    you shouldn't want anything to do with him and you can't believe he's blowing me off like this. Especially after things got so hot and heavy before he left. you wondering what out of your actions turned him off to me so much so that he is not cooperating. Especially with you not being actually preggers and all. you will do everything in your power not to call or text him, yet you're patiently awaiting him to contact youand thinking about when we'll see each other next. you know he does not feel the same way. LAME. you at least want to hang out with him as a friend, catch up amiably and small talk. Is there anything you can do make him want to talk/hang out? nay, Meredith advice is best, VA movelove on

    I really appreciate any and all input. I can only talk my girlfriends' ears off for so long. And, I do need to curb my social alcoholic college behavior, as I know it's a turn off to him. On Friday night he insisted I stayed sober so we could talk, then blew me off saying simply "tomorrow" in a frickin' text.

    Posted by dove June 16, 09 10:05 AM
  1. trust your gut on this one, let her breathe and see what happens. It's tough to do, but it's all you can do if she's asked you to stop calling.

    you also need to take a breath, too. you had a great 3 months, but maybe you need to look elsewhere since it sounds like you're 100% ready for something serious and long term and the 26 year old isn't. Do you want to wait, is it worth it?

    Posted by mike June 16, 09 10:05 AM
  1. Mine was similar. except the guy wasn’t supportive. and I was young and naive. I wasn’t safe, I wasn’t careful. Thank god I am much better now

    Posted by becca June 16, 09 10:07 AM
  1. I'm sorry to say this, but from a woman's point of view I think there are two possible things going on here:

    1. When she thought long and hard about you being there for her for 18+ years, she realized that she didn't want that level of commitment, or wasn't ready for that step in her life. Maybe it was you in specific, or maybe it was just a committed partner in general. You guys have only dated for 3 months, so that's still the new, blissfully happy stage. As much as you got along great, it doesn't sound like she was even thinking about long term commitment, babies, and all that. She waited until the pregnancy scare was over, and then she cut you loose. Maybe she'll come around again, but maybe not. Sounds like she has a lot of figuring out to do. So, like Meredith said, I think you could contact her again, maybe via text or email so she doesn't feel pressured to respond or reply, just stating what Meredith had suggested. That's all you can do. I'm sorry.

    2. She wanted to break it off with you, so she made up the whole pregnancy scare because she figured that would scare you off. (Why wouldn't she take a pregnancy test if she wasn't sure??) When it didn't make you run for the hills, then she had to come up with some other reason- not feeling anything for you all of a sudden.

    Try not to be too sad- and go get a woman who deserves you and is ready for the lvoe and support you can offer

    Posted by Skyler June 16, 09 10:11 AM
  1. I think Meredeith's response is spot on. The pregnancy scare was like a reality check for her. Give her the space she needs and leave the door open. And if she does come back, great! If not, at least you know you tried.

    Good luck!

    Posted by boobookitty June 16, 09 10:14 AM
  1. No, I don't think she'll change. When I was living in Australia ( at 23) I started dating a guy, who unbeknownst to me, was ten years my senior ( he didn't tell me for a while). He was kind, caring, supportive, accommodating, all that you'd want in a partner, but not what I wanted at the time ( or at all really). I moved back to the states and he was hung up for years! Yes, he dated here and there but he wouldn't let his feelings go. Finally, two years ago, he met someone, who sounds amazing, and should be married ( he was engaged but no longer speaks to me, understandably, he's moved on). You sound like a great guy, time to move on to a woman who is ready for all of the wonderful things that you can offer her. I do need to add that someone closer to your age is probably better for you. I feel that guys are always chasing theyounger ones. Good Luck!

    Posted by bevumass June 16, 09 10:18 AM
  1. As a female reader, I think your gut is telling you the right thing - back off. She might end up missing you, she might not; but constantly asking her to talk about this more could easily backfire and then she'll never want to talk to you again. I think Meredith is right - the whole pregnancy scare might have made her realize she's not as into you as she might have thought. It's better for her to be honest with you about this than pretend that everything is still all good. I think her message to you is loud and clear right now - leave her alone and think about moving on.

    Posted by bumbly-bee June 16, 09 10:30 AM
  1. I agree with Mere (except the "sit by the phone and cry a bit" thing).
    She just realized that you are a wonderful guy and ready for commitment if need be. BUT.... she isnt. Im so sorry you are hurting. But it is better to know now then sitting at home with a baby in your arms looking at a women who hates you and blames you for ruining her life. Let her go, she needs time to think and time to grow up. If she is really supposed to be "The One", things will work out and you will be together. Until then give your heart time to heal and stick to women who are on the same level mentally as you are. FYI: When dating in the future ask questions. Like kids, marriage, and the things you are interested in. That way if something like this happens again, you will both be on the same page in the same novel.

    Posted by LilShorty98 June 16, 09 10:30 AM
  1. I think Meredith is spot-on here. You are ready to commit, she is not. Neither of you is at fault - it is a question of biology. Take some time (not too long lest dating momentum gets lost) to get over her and then move along in your search for someone who can handle the notion of someone else being there for them. Kudos to you for giving her space; keep it up and perhaps take things a bit slower with the next lady you date.

    Posted by fairlee76 June 16, 09 10:32 AM
  1. M-Gold nailed it. And the answers to your questions "Is this "feeling smothered" thing just a line women feed men to get rid of them, or is it a legit feeling?" is yes, and yes. It's both. Do not try to understand a woman's heart. You'll drive yourself loopy.

    Here are my best tips for managing the shock and loss:
    Go to graduate school. You'll find yourself with two girls, one in Boston and one in Texas who you take on romantic trips to the Cape.
    Hire a stripper.
    Write a blog -- then get all neurotic when you think she's stalking you on it.
    Definitely, go see The Hangover. It'll rub your silly button.

    Posted by Sally June 16, 09 10:33 AM
  1. Same thing happened to me in reverse. During the pregnancy scare I did some serious soul searching about whether I wanted to be with this woman for the rest of my life.
    After the pregnancy scare was over, I decided I didn't and broke it off.

    Maybe this girl did the same.

    Posted by sean June 16, 09 10:36 AM
  1. Okay, I have a few thoughts. For some reason, this box is not letting me write a long post, so I'll split it in two.
    One, this was a traumatic experience for the woman, and she is associating it with the writer. She is distancing herself from him so she doesn't have to deal with it/think about it/worry about it happening again. I am also wondering how it happened--if he talked her out of using birth control "just this once" or anything similar, he has very little chance of her taking him back.

    Posted by KS June 16, 09 10:36 AM
  1. Rico will keep it short and sweet today as well...he is a little too busy for his usual long writings.

    Here is what Rico thinks...First of all Rico knows you want a womans opinion on what is going on so he'll leave that up to Meredith and her girls to help you. Rico is here to let you know he has been there just like you. Maybe not a "pregnancy scare" but similar situation in that the girl being not ready while he was. It was hard for Rico and his heart was broken but Rico got over it and moved on. He went out with friends, family, joined a club, biked, ran, etc...and met new wonderful people in the same "place" as him. He eventually met the love of his life, had a child and has been living happily ever after. Yes, men have feelings and Rico may not show them on his sleeve like women do but Rico admits he has been hurt. Rico got over it and is happy and so will you.

    Most likely meredith is right that she is just not ready for that commitment that you are offereing which is why since she is not prgnant it is a great time for her to back off and get herself back to where she wants to be. She may have been ready to split with you before the scare but just in case it wasn't just a scare she did want your support but now she doesn't need it. Send her a card letting her know you want to take it slow and still be with her but don't hold your breath for a response, you may turn blue. Sorry...That is what Rico thinks.

    Love always and enjoy another spectacular Spring day,

    Rico

    Gears, Not Gas.

    PS. There is a great girl looking for what you are offering that sent a letter the other day about her boyfriend going to the cape. She is probably single now, maybe you could meet her and be friends...and who knows....Rico the matchmaker?

    Posted by Rico June 16, 09 10:38 AM
  1. If "willingness to support her in every way possible" got you "smothered" and "I don't feel anything for you anymore" in return, and you're sitting by the phone waiting for her to call, you're a better man than I.

    Posted by CPThree June 16, 09 10:39 AM
  1. Hall of Fame response by 'Dith, so there's not much more to add.

    I will emphasize that although it's not easy, the ball is in her court. BACK OFF! As Meredith stated, tell her briefly how you feel and that you know the "scare" might have made her feel like your relationship was further along than it really is, but you the fact is that she's not pregnant and you want to continue to enjoy fun times together.

    Don't keep pushing, pressuring, or carrying on. Clearly, she appears to be correct with her smoothering feelings as it seems you came on way strong ("You're a couple of days late, I'm a good provider..I'll support you...I have a great wedding date picked out...I like labradors...We'll close on a house this summer...I like picket fences...I can't wait to drive you around in a mini-van....Don't worry, I'll change your Depends undergarments as we grow old together....").

    If she calms down and wants to continue dating, cool. If not, then she just isn't ready for the next step with you and she's shellshocked by getting that close to that possibility. No offense, dude. Just move on gracefully and with your dignity.

    - Hoss

    Posted by Hoss June 16, 09 10:41 AM
  1. okay this sucks to say but you have to at least take it into consideration...
    in my experience, 90% of the time when a significant other has an extremely abrupt change in feelings it has to do with the fact another person is involved. this may have been part of her total freak out about being pregnant... could have been someone elses. the fact that you were very close, and then when panic time came you told her you'd support her in which ever path she chose, should have only made her feel better and more secure. having this incident end the relationship doesnt pass the smell test... who knows maybe i'm just jaded.

    Posted by jimbojones June 16, 09 10:43 AM
  1. She had a future thought of what being with you forever would be like. She didn't like the idea. So she dropped you. End of story. You gotta move on. She's made it clear she's not feeling you and I think her age has something to do with it.

    Posted by Chris June 16, 09 10:44 AM
  1. I agree with Meredith. She is still immature. At 33, you're ready to settle down with that special person. I am sure that she is missing out on a wonderful guy and she may some day regret what happened. Follow Meredith's advice, maybe e-mail her with these thoughts and see what happens, but be prepared to walk away though. Sorry.

    Posted by JohnB June 16, 09 10:46 AM
  1. She's just not that into you.

    Posted by JD June 16, 09 10:48 AM
  1. I think it has more to do with her than the preg scare. She sounds a little immature and flighty to me. If she can't handle this type of issue without going off the deep end, then how do you think she would handle something really tough down the line?
    Sadly, as much as you like her, you need to move on to someone more mature.

    Posted by DrK June 16, 09 10:52 AM
  1. Here is my other thought.
    I have a friend who's now happily married with three teenaged daughters. After college, she lived with a guy. At one point she thought she was pregnant. The thought of this guy being the father of her kid(s) did not sit well with her--he wasn't father material in her mind. She loved him, and she wasn't pregnant, but she moved out after this "scare" and started looking for someone she could be with long-term. I am not sure if the writer's girlfriend is thnking like this, or knows what she is thinking. I would say the writer should give her time, she may come back.

    Posted by KS June 16, 09 10:52 AM
  1. I think Meredith has nailed the optimistic view of it. (I won't go into the pessimistic possibilities....). You were ready for more relationship, as evidenced by your supportive posture, than she was ready to accept at this point. The relationship train sped up very quickly for her, and when it stopped, she decided she wanted to get off at this stop and take a slower train - maybe or maybe not a different one. Tell her how you feel - succinctly and without getting melodramatic or overly emotional. Respect her response, and give her some space (in time and place) to think about it. Maybe she will want to get back on the train and just travel a bit more slowly. But maybe she will feel she can't take that train any more without it speeding up too much for her.

    Posted by Jeff June 16, 09 10:54 AM
  1. Meredith nailed it. "Nuff said.

    Posted by Alvin June 16, 09 10:54 AM
  1. If I were 26 and had a pregnancy scare, I would probably be freaking out too, and heavily re-evaluating the relationship. Give her some time...if she truly cares for you, she will come around.

    I am a total nerd for bringing this up, and it's a bit of a stretch, but this is exactly what happened between Brenda and Dylan on Beverly Hills 90210, and Brenda eventually took Dylan back... ;)

    Posted by total nerd June 16, 09 10:56 AM
  1. I'd say the pregnancy scare made her wake up to what a fool she was. Why? Simple - three months into a relationship and no condoms? WTF were you thinking? Two irresponsible people.

    You need to go off and grow up. NOW (But first, head out to CVS and stock up on Trojans.)

    Posted by whats up with this? June 16, 09 10:56 AM
  1. See Meredith’s answer above

    Posted by yep June 16, 09 10:56 AM
  1. She may also be mourning the child she didn't conceive. With a possibly pregnancy, a woman's emotions are all over the place. She may also feel - without expressing it to you - that you don't want her now that she's not pregnant. I think she's confused about all this, and needs space (as well as a few therapy sessions with those who specialize in miscarriage, although this wan't one) to think about the baby that wasn't. Don't give up on her. Not yet. I think you're the 8th wonder of the world for being there. Any woman would want you.

    Posted by reindeergirl June 16, 09 10:58 AM
  1. Excellent Advice From Meredith. Right on.

    Posted by lisa June 16, 09 10:59 AM
  1. I am so sorry for you. I am sure you are hurting right now. Many of us have felt the way you feel now and somehow, with time, we all heal. Meredith is correct. She is not ready for all that you are ready to give. You understand what "forever" and the committment of parenthood/marriage mean, she may have thought she did, but the "almost pregnancy" and your readiness made her realize, she's not in that place. She has asked you not to contact her. I would oblige. I am certain that she is hurting too. She had a great relationship, but abruptly realized that she was not ready for what you were ready for. She is grieving the loss of you and the relationship too. It is hard right now, but please realize that what you had was wonderful and that you have had the opportunity to experience some great feelings and that she has contributed to who you are and will be. You will be able to find that person that is on the same page as you. Just don't close your heart to it.

    Posted by zazzy June 16, 09 11:01 AM
  1. Meredith is 100% right. I couldn't have said it better, especially about the fact that there are a lot of wonderful women exactly his age who are mature enough to be good to him at a time he is ready to be good to someone else. There is a real maturity gap between 25 and 30, not to mention 25 and 33, but someone your age or a teeny bit younger who is mature and ready could make your ideal mate.

    I know this hurts a lot, but remember that part of dating is to figure out what you do and you don't want, what you need versus what you think you need. Perhaps this will be a learning experience that leads you to the one.

    Posted by merilisa June 16, 09 11:02 AM
  1. Yeah, Meredith sums it up perfectly I think. Good job being a Man by the way.

    Also, Women can be absolutely CRAZY. I was dating a girl who talked marriage 3 months into it, starting dating another guy, then spoke about moving in with me a few months later....and 1 month after this was planning the wedding with the other guy. And told me EVERYthing about him/their relationship. That sucked.

    So tell her you want her and will be there if she changes her mind in the immediate future. Then, tough as it is, go on and live life and try not to contact her. For the best for you.

    Posted by swfoutsida June 16, 09 11:03 AM
  1. No, I don't think he should be hopeful. It's been my experience that once a woman expresses disinterest like this, that's it, it's over. I find it's easier to just take my lumps and move on because I've never had any luck in turning something like this around - that's the stuff of romantic dramedies, not real life. After three months, what he probably should have said is "Holy smokes, this is horrible. Call me when you figure out what the status is and we'll take it from there".

    Posted by malcolm June 16, 09 11:03 AM
  1. I partially agree - but this has much more to do with her than it does you to be honest. A pregnancy scare does a lot mentally to a person. If the person isn't ready for that step, it can push them (male or female) away from that person to subconsciously not let that scenario come up again. You offered to be there for her, which wa s100% the right answer.

    You promised not to call her, I get that. I would send her a note and say that you were respecting her wishes although you hoped things could be different. I would say that you miss the couple you were before the pregnancy scare, and that you aren't sure what exactly changed with your relationship. Explain that you only want what you had and let things go from there. If she wants time, you are happy to give her time. Say this note will be your only one (respecting her request to leave her alone) and that if you don't hear from her, you will walk away, but hope that you do hear from her.

    I do think this was fueled by the scare, and I think I would be cautiously optimistic that things COULD get back to where they were.

    Every woman is different in this scenario. Some may run and "live it up" while they can, some may feel a biological clock kick in and start getting serious about their choices (with men and life), and some may just want to test and see if the guy really will be there for them regardless. I know women who fall into each catagory. I hope whatever happens is the best situation for you.

    Posted by Beth June 16, 09 11:05 AM
  1. A pregnancy scare doesn't have to send you over the edge -- unless you are already there. I mean, she WAS NOT pregnant, for pete's sake. Frankly, she sounds like a bit of a head case and like she brings a lot of drama to the table. Very Attached would be smart to un-attach himself and wait for someone more mature to come along.

    The other option is that VA really IS smothering. A girl likes to know her guy is there for her, but there is such a thing as there TOO much. Has he ever heard this kind of feedback from another girlfriend? If yes, then that's something to think about.

    Posted by move on June 16, 09 11:05 AM
  1. Chalk it up to dating young. That's all you can really take this. You're further along in experience and in the "ready to settle down" stage and she's still in the "want to live life cause I'm still in my roaring 20's" stage. I would let it go and look elsewhere. It takes 2 to tango and she ain't waltzing your way unfortunately. Good luck.

    Posted by DI$CO June 16, 09 11:06 AM
  1. Often when women go through an experience such as an almost pregnancy, terminated pregnancy, miscarriage and even a pregnancy itself, they are going through a rollercoaster of a emotions and can push the men in their lives away. It's similar to when anyone goes through a crisis/trauma/death in the family and just wants to be alone and deal with their problems alone.

    I suggest sending her a classy bouquet of flowers with a note that says something along the lines of "I hope you are okay. I'm here for you as a friend if you ever want to talk." Try your best to leave her alone and let her come to you when she is ready to have the difficult, honest conversation that you want. It seems like she is truly into you and just needs some time to wrap her head around things. This may be wrong to say, but my theory is that she may have terminated the pregnancy and did not just get her period like she told you. That's just my hunch, but i could be totally wrong. Anyway, give her space, but do not give up in the long run. Fight for the girl you want. Just don't be stalkerish/crazy about it :)

    Posted by trueluv4eva June 16, 09 11:06 AM
  1. First of all, anyone who dates someone more than 4 years younger is just creepy (what could you possibly have in common???); and you just found out why, 26 is still a highly unstable age to someone in their 30's. My first thought is that this was a scam, to get you upset about the unplanned pregnancy, and get her out of the relationship without looking bad. But Meredith could be right too, that this gave her a "rude awakening" that she isn't ready to play grownup yet. Either way, move on; and for Buddha's sake, don't date someone 7 years younger again (did I mention how creepy that is!?!?!?).

    Posted by DudeGuyKidDudeGuy666 June 16, 09 11:11 AM
  1. Sorry, but a 33yr old and a 26yr old should not be having pregnancy scares, if you've just met you should be using condoms and one would hope a sexually active young lady is availing herself of the various pills and such made for her.

    While nothing's fool proof, I get the idea that these two were less than careful.

    Posted by OTC June 16, 09 11:11 AM
  1. She is not going to change her mind. I would advise the writer to walk away, regroup, start fishing again...don't bother with the "I think you're amazing; please give me another chance" -- it's creepy -- and if you have to convince someone to be with you...that's a poor reflection on both parties. The writer sounds like a very decent, sincere and sensitive person, but this is not the woman for him. It's too bad it took a pregnancy scare to bring that to light (and, on that note, let's make sure we're a little better with our precautions when we do find a new girlfriend, hmmm?) but this is not worth chasing. He'll only get hurt worse. Let it go. Good luck.

    Posted by urkiddinme June 16, 09 11:14 AM
  1. Wow!!! That was a very interesting letter. I def agree with Meridith, I think you should leave her alone. If you keep calling and begging her to come back, she won't. I know you want her and miss her a whole lot (you sound like a sweet man), but you have to respect her space. Calling her is not going to help at all, trust me. She's def not ready for a long term relationship, otherwise she would not have said that word, "smothered." I'm sorry about the whole situation. Just be strong and do not "beg." Let her come to you. If or when she does, don't just jump up and down to take her back, make sure you make her suffer a little, make you let her know that you're not some toy she can just drop and pick up whenever she feels like it.

    Luv

    Ida.

    Posted by ida June 16, 09 11:14 AM
  1. Whoremoans...

    Posted by phys June 16, 09 11:15 AM
  1. Cut the cord man. Don't be a chump. Don't let her come crawling back either, you'll be the secong fiddle in the relationship from then on. It hurts for now, but you'll live.

    Posted by TJR June 16, 09 11:16 AM
  1. I'm not sure how to take her reaction. I would think if the relationship was going well this would have been a bonding experience not a dividing one. Maybe she's a kook and you are better off getting away and thankful you didn't start a family with her..

    Posted by techdood June 16, 09 11:18 AM
  1. I think you should focus more on the concept that (1) you offered/gave 100 percent to her, rather than (2) she rejected you and how/why did that happen despite what she said a few weeks ago. When it comes down to it, all you can really do is give your best to someone. You can't make someone return the favor or love you in the same manner - even if you deserve it. Have solace knowing you did the right thing and that you had integrity, and keep looking for that person that is entirely ready to give the same effort back to you. Just because this has been the best experience you have had thus far doesn't mean it can't get better - in fact, it will - you will find someone that can give back in the same manner you are willing to - which it sounds like you deserve.

    Posted by spaceman June 16, 09 11:19 AM
  1. I agree with Meredith. The pregnancy brought to light how not ready she is for that level of commitment. Your response to the pregnancy scare was and is amazingly supportive. I give you major props for that because most guys would have quit calling. It sounds like you are more ready than she is to make that next step with a woman. I agree that mid 20's is still too young to make that commitment and perhaps she's not as mature as you thought she was. She's told you not to call her, so please respect that request. Give up on her, not on finding the right person.
    You have a lot to give the right person.
    You'll have to feel hurt for a while but you've got to let go of this girl. You will find someone who is ready for a great guy like you, trust me. Just make sure you bring your own condoms to the party next time ;-)

    Posted by exvermonter June 16, 09 11:19 AM
  1. OK, actually, men don't wait by the phone and cry a bit-- they go get drunk, and have an awkward hookup with some girl at a bar. Otherwise, Meredith's analysis is pretty much accurate.

    There's an old saying, 'Never sleep with anyone you wouldn't want to spend 18 years raising a child with.' Mostly we ignore this advice, but it is in fact *good advice.* The girl in question ignored it up until the scare happened. Then she concluded that, no, she doesn't want to spend 18 years raising a child with you. She wants to party like other 26-year-old chicks.

    Let her. There are plenty of age-appropriate 31-year-olds in this city for you-- in fact, you'll need to be wary that they won't fly to the opposite extreme of that advice, deciding you're good enough and getting pregnant on the sly.

    Posted by Joey June 16, 09 11:20 AM
  1. As consolation, there are hundreds (if not thousands) of women looking for just this kind of guy. Maybe he should post his e-mail address here LOL!
    Now that I think about it, maybe this is the guy for our Meredith. What do y'all think?

    Posted by JohnB June 16, 09 11:25 AM
  1. This is an exact reason why guys turn to being a jerk so that they don't get hurt. One girl they love hurts them and they are potentially scarred for life. Don't be discouraged from this relationship. A girl that will love you just as much as you love her. I agree with Meredith that this gave her a scare. It doesn't seem that at 26 she was ready to settle down. She probably saw her future flash before her eyes and she got scared that her freedom would be interrupted. She'd be a mother and in a serious relationship and wasn't ready for that yet. You two probably got along great because there was no pressure. All of a sudden tons of pressure fell on top of her and instead of being mature and talking to you about it, she decided it'd be best to break things off to not have to deal with what she was feeling. She should really have thought about things before dating older men. I have and I know that they may or may not be ready for commitment before I am. I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. I just know that the possibility is there. Keep your head up. If you want to try and work on things with her give her a few weeks to settle down. Yes it's hard but I've gone weeks without talking to the guy I'm interested in. But he always gets in touch with me eventually. Even if it is 2 months later (yes it's not right, but it's complicated. It is I'm not just saying that. I've even thought about writing to Meredith for help, but this post isn't about me). If you don't want to wait or things don't work out, there is someone out there for you who won't take you being a gentleman or kindness for granted. You are a great guy for not running away like most guys do. Good luck!

    Posted by JMP June 16, 09 11:33 AM
  1. Even easier than yesterday's drivel.

    Clearly, she made up the pregnancy scare. The four day vacation on the Cape went extremely well and her and her grad school dude are ready to move on with their relationship together. As a result, you and the naive 30-something woman who wrote in last week have no choice but to meet up for a couple of casual grilled cheese sandwiches and see what develops from there. My only advice is that you don't suggest that she call you her "boyfriend" as she thinks that sounds childish, and that you don't tell her about what you're planning for entertainment on your buddy's bachelor party that your co-best man for.

    Please don't write back with updates, as all of us will have already moved on to the next letter. That's all for now!

    Posted by Bob Dwyer June 16, 09 11:35 AM
  1. I've been in a very similar situation and yea you just gotta move on. First 3 months were mind blowing for us, minor pregnancy scare (I'm 27, she 25). Both agreed this was the best relationship we'd ever been in to the point we were meeting parents in the 2nd month. But yea it lost steem and we were fighting over ridiculous things, she got ice cold and ended it after 7 months (we were both unhappy). I agreed at the time, but then missed her like crazy. Hints of the smothering thing in that she wanted more space. Basically she wanted a relationship, got it, so then she didn't want it anymore. I'd harp on this, but replace "relationship" with "sex" and I've pulled that plenty of times in other situations.

    Bottom line I've been in 2 serious relationships, one I ended, the other she ended. In both situations the dumpee tried to reach out, but unfortunately there was nothing they could do.

    Posted by yup June 16, 09 11:36 AM
  1. I think there is way more to this story than meets the eye and it's possible that the pregnancy scare has nothing whatsoever to do with the break up. What's the big deal here? She didn't get pregnant but from all these comments, you'd think she had a miscarriage and should be in mourning. Bouquets of flowers? Huh? She had a pregnancy scare, so what? Who hasn't? If she couldn't handle that, then she shouldn't be having sex.

    Posted by for reals June 16, 09 11:37 AM
  1. 1) I think you came on too strong by saying "I'll be there for you no matter what." You were being honest, but sounds like you didn't check first to find out whether she was really looking for something long term in the first place, and perhaps assuming that that was what she was concerned about in the first place. She could very well just not be emotionally ready or mature enough to take on being a parent and it surprised and frightened her.

    2) Other than that, I think Meredith's response is spot on. Except I really think that, unless you're going to address the issue I brought up in (1), ("I understand that you want to end this and I'm ok with it, and I just wanted to apologize for making assumptions about what you wanted from our relationship and assuming that your concerns about pregnance had to do me in the first place and that they had to be with whether *I* would be there for you. Sorry. Bye"

    Except possibly for doing that, I wouldn't even contact her. If she wants you , she'll contact your herself. Any further contact except to apopolgize or something like that will do nothing for you whatsoever. Just write it off and move on.

    Posted by steve in W MA June 16, 09 11:39 AM
  1. My thoughts are this. To avoid ruining a relationship still in its infancy, wear a condom next time to avoid a life changing, life altering situation.

    Posted by bster June 16, 09 11:41 AM
  1. Hey JcJc and Dove,

    You may want to re-read the letter. It was the Woman who ran from the Man after the pregnancy scare, not the other way around. Sounds as if you were looking for a man-bashing opportunity. Sorry, this isn't it.

    Posted by luvdoctor June 16, 09 11:42 AM
  1. I think the scare put everything into perspective for her and forced her to think if your relationship could be long term and she just wasn't ready for that or couldn't see things being long term with you. Either way...you need to let her go. Move on and if it was menat to be...she will be back..and if you're available..great. If not, her loss. You can't force her to take your calls or see you...

    Posted by Deb June 16, 09 11:43 AM
  1. @ "I suggest sending her a classy bouquet of flowers with a note that says something along the lines of "I hope you are okay. I'm here for you as a friend if you ever want to talk."

    Bad advice.

    Believe me, she broke it off, if she wanted to talk she would. Flowers is just pushy and tone deaf in this situation. It would address his feelings and hopes rather than what she has clearly said she wants.

    What part of "no" don't you understand?

    Posted by steve in W MA June 16, 09 11:43 AM
  1. Sorry, but I have to disagree with a few posters here. Being late and thinking you might be pregnant is not an event that traumatizes you to the point of PTSD. It's stressful for a few days, yes. But once your period sets in you resume your life. Nothing changed. This is absolutely nothing like terminating a pg or having a miscarriage.

    Seriously, if you just think you're pregnant and you're not, you can't blame your behavior on your rampaging hormones. It's all in your head, not in your endocrine system.

    This is coming from someone who took a pg test while in college and in a new relationship.

    Posted by PG scare experienced June 16, 09 11:44 AM
  1. Comments #1 and #2 are completely nonsensical -- as though they were intended as responses to another letter altogether.

    As for the LW's sad story: yes, it is very possible that she is feeling smothered. While your intentions were nothing but positive and heartfelt, they may have nevertheless come across as "over the top"...while the outcome feels lousy right now, the "scare" has helped to clarify her feelings for you (or rather, lack thereof). Now, you should use her response to you to do the same!

    Posted by florence June 16, 09 11:46 AM
  1. To be honest?

    She's just not that into you.

    Posted by chloe June 16, 09 11:47 AM
  1. I disagree with some of the commenters. I don't think there's anything wrong at all with their age difference. And I dont think she's being immature at all. He wants to be with HER not anyone else. Love is a hard, rough road to travel sometimes. Packing up and moving on aren't always the answers when things get hard. It's important to question things to make sure you are thinking clearly. She said that you made her feel better than anyone else ever had. She just needs some time. She said never to call her again, but unless you did something really hurtful to her, I doubt she meant it. She's just dealing with something emotionally that you cannot grasp or understand.

    Posted by trueluv4eva June 16, 09 11:49 AM
  1. I disagree with some of the commenters. I don't think there's anything wrong at all with their age difference. And I dont think she's being immature at all. He wants to be with HER not anyone else. Love is a hard, rough road to travel sometimes. Packing up and moving on aren't always the answers when things get hard. It's important to question things to make sure you are thinking clearly. She said that you made her feel better than anyone else ever had. She just needs some time. She said never to call her again, but unless you did something really hurtful to her, I doubt she meant it. She's just dealing with something emotionally that you cannot grasp or understand.

    Posted by trueluv4eva June 16, 09 11:49 AM
  1. I stopped reading the comments, because the first two had read the letter completely wrong and gotten it backwars, then someone else berated the writer for not using condoms. Who said they weren't using condoms. I can't stand it it when pregnancies are "blamed" on that, THEY ARE NOT 100% EFFECTIVE EVEN WHEN USED ALL THE TIME AND CORRECTLY. Aside from that, my first pregnancy scare was when I was only 18. My boyfriend said the same as this guy, don't worry, I'll be there, in fact he wanted to get married, whether I was pregnant or not. I can't speak for the current girl, but in my case, it woke me up to face that I did NOT want to marry this guy - nothing wrong with him, I just didn't want to spend the rest of my life with him. I also discovered I didn't want to have a child, with him or anyone else. This woman could be feeling either or both of those things also. There's nothing you can do about it. She feels what she feels. I suppose you could make your feelings known again but then step back and let it go. You can't make people feel what they don't feel.

    Posted by BeenThere June 16, 09 11:49 AM
  1. What did you think was going to happen when you almost got a 26 year old pregnant? It was only three months and she had the reality check of almost being with you forever. It sounds like you're doing the right thing by not stalking her but it also sounds like your lack of condom use or pulling out cost you a girl you really like.

    Posted by Beantown13 June 16, 09 11:51 AM
  1. Comments #1 and #2 made me feel like I was reading LL in an alternate universe. Did I miss something?

    Posted by Sally June 16, 09 11:54 AM
  1. Meredith's advice was spot on. Nothing to add. I'm only here to comment to the very annoying jabs that this couple "obviously" wasn't using condoms nor is she on the pill "obviously." Um, WTF??? Condoms fail, leak and break EVEN when used properly. Pills can be missed, or she may not be able to physically tolerate the pill, maybe she's got a diaphram which can fail, etc. etc. Heck, they may have been using condoms and/or the pill and just were worried ANYWAY because of her late period. No one here was in the bed with them and we should stop assuming that one pregnancy scare = solid proof of unsafe sex.

    Just had to get that off my chest.

    Posted by JCee June 16, 09 12:00 PM
  1. DudeGuyKidDudeGuy666,
    Get a life. Age is just a number. Judging someone on a number is insane... everyone in this world is different - one 26 year old may be all responsible, while another still be finding themselves. You have no intelligence to pass judgement on the whole world by numbers...

    Posted by girlgalkidgalchick June 16, 09 12:01 PM
  1. Dude, you're being too nice. Next time there is a pregnancy scare, act all distant, aloof and unconcerned, like it's her problem. She won't be able to get enough of you. Crazy, but true!

    Posted by Bob June 16, 09 12:04 PM
  1. I agree with Meredith's advice. All you can do is tell her how you feel about her and then get on with your life.

    However, I have this gut feeling that something weird is going on. She was late only by a few days. Even if your cycle runs like clockwork, a few days isn't much of a reason to jump to conclusions since there are many factors, other than pregnancy, that can cause a woman to run late (stress, sickness, fatigue, etc). After a full week late then there is more cause for concern. On top of that, what I find strange is that she wouldn't take a pregnancy test, which is usually the first thing a woman does when she suspects pregnancy. Taking a test is the one way you can know for sure, and then you can then move on to the next step (taking a sigh of relief or making plans). I'm not sure what to make of it, but this woman's reactions just don't sit well with me. While breakups are painful, especially one so sudden, the LW is probably better off in the long run.

    Posted by rebs June 16, 09 12:05 PM
  1. I find it odd that everyone dismisses out of hand that 26 year olds could be ready to have children. Clearly this one did not, but the blanket assumption is made too often. I was 26 when my daughter ( now 2) was born, and I believe we were ready for it. Just my 2 cents.

    Posted by ProudPapa June 16, 09 12:14 PM
  1. Chico read the same letter as Commentors #1 and #2 and Chico thinks there is no way that you should let him do that to you!

    Posted by Chico June 16, 09 12:14 PM
  1. And yes, as others have said - use protection!

    Posted by reindeergirl June 16, 09 12:16 PM
  1. Meredith & Co. are being too soft on this guy. I mean, even Rico is being soft. What's wrong with this picture?

    I imagine you haven't dated anybody as hot as the 26-year old in a while. You found her and you thought you found gold. Well, you did, but a hot and young woman does not want to be with a clingy 33-year old.

    Yes, you are clingy. I mean, just see the way you signed your letter "VeryAttached". I bet you were actually happy about the potential pregnancy. You were not very concerned about birth control. Come on, you have been dating for 3 months -- 3 months! And you are already "veryattached"? Please. In your mind you were dreaming of marrying this girl you barely know, confess it.

    Deal with the truth: you are already 33. You need to date women around your age, even if they are not as hot as the sweet 20-somethings.

    And please leave this girl alone. You are starting to sound like a psycho.

    PS: would the real Rico please stand up?

    Posted by MS June 16, 09 12:23 PM
  1. All females suffer from various severe mental illnesses and the female brain tends to short circuit very easily. You should consider yourself lucky that this happened. God has smiled upon you and saved you from a lifetime of horror from this idiot who freaks out whenever life throws a curve at her. Can you imagine how she'd be if she lost her job, got into a car accident, death in the family, etc...

    Posted by saved June 16, 09 12:30 PM
  1. good for you for being ready to man up. she is just not ready for what you have to offer.

    Posted by linda June 16, 09 12:31 PM
  1. Meredith nailed it. Rico's PS is a nice diversion!

    Posted by Darwin June 16, 09 12:32 PM
  1. VA - you really do sound like a good guy. To be that much of a man when you only know someone for 3 months is a quality a lot of women look for. On the other hand, you are 33, and you should know how to prevent pregnancy scares at this point in your life. At 26, she should too. There is really no excuse.
    However, I do feel this may have been her "way out". For whatever reason, she didn't want to continue your relationship. Maybe she has been playing along for 3 months and wasn't feeling as much as you. I think you need to move on. Writing to her is only going to make you sit there and wonder if she'll write back.
    One more thing to mention - it is completely ok for you to date younger women if that is what you prefer. It's not creepy or wrong in any way. There is someone for everyone and age is just a number. It's about finding the right 26 year old for you if that is how it works out.

    Posted by Sox09 June 16, 09 12:33 PM
  1. Sounds like you dodged a bullet. This chick sounds like a whack job. Consider yourself lucky.

    Posted by sexual chocolate June 16, 09 12:34 PM
  1. The pregnancy scare was a wake-up call for both of them. She discovered she wasn't ready to get more serious, and settle down. He discovered her that she's not as long-term oriented as she perhaps advertised. It was a great lesson for both.

    Posted by eric June 16, 09 12:39 PM
  1. So, at least the first two responders thought this was a woman writing this letter? What is this world coming to, when we can't pick out the narrator and the subject? COME ON!!!!!!!!!!

    Posted by hippydippy June 16, 09 12:40 PM
  1. I'm having a little trouble wrapping mind around the timing of this thing. Only a few days late with her period and she was so freaked out she dumped you? Not buying it. At her age, it's tough to believe she really doesn't know that a late period can result from any number of internal and external forces. If she really didn't know, all it would have taken was a quick google search to find out. It should not have been enough to utterly unhinge her. It also makes no sense that she wouldn't just take a test to aleve her anxiety. I guess I could understand if she were some dumb, scared, 17-year-old, but this is rather flakey behavior for a grown woman.

    My guess? She's just not that into you. Sorry. Whatever you do, please honor her wishes and never contact her again. When a woman tells you to stop calling her, it really could not be more over in her mind and any further contact will simply frustrate and anger her. Respect her wishes and understand that there is absolutely nothing you can do or say to change her mind.

    Posted by Rae June 16, 09 12:44 PM
  1. What's with the first two comments?

    Posted by Jen-X June 16, 09 12:48 PM
  1. I disagree with some of the commenters. I don't think there's anything wrong at all with their age difference. And I dont think she's being immature at all. He wants to be with HER not anyone else. Love is a hard, rough road to travel sometimes. Packing up and moving on aren't always the answers when things get hard. It's important to question things to make sure you are thinking clearly. She said that you made her feel better than anyone else ever had. She just needs some time. She said never to call her again, but unless you did something really hurtful to her, I doubt she meant it. She's just dealing with something emotionally that you cannot grasp or understand.

    Posted by trueluv4eva June 16, 09 12:50 PM
  1. What I want to know is, why weren't these people using SOME kind of protection!? Its not like this stuff is hard to find! People should be more responsible than this!

    Posted by Ms. Troy June 16, 09 12:51 PM
  1. VeryAttached--- I'm a 26 year old female and have been in a similar position before. The possibility of unexpected pregnancy is definitely a scary thing and it does cause you to reevaluate things a bit. However, and I'm sorry for the bluntness, if she really liked you, it wouldn't be enough to make her walk away from you. There is some underlying issue here for certain.

    When you asked if girls can really feel "smothered" or that's just an excuse, the answer is definitely! And unfortunately, just from your letter, it is clear to see you are the "smothering" type. It has been 3 months, and you are all wrapped up in this, calling it the best experience of your life! Really? Hoss is right, were you talking about weddings, and dogs, and fences? That would make me run for sure!

    The other possibilty here.... you aren't the only person in her life, which wouldn't surprise me. I'm sure she meant everything she said to you i.e. you were great to her, you meant a lot to her, but those are pretty empty statements when you think about it. You said you were "dating" her so I'm assuming the "exclusivity talk" never came up? You can't even be sure you are the person that caused the pregnancy scare!

    Cut your losses and move on. That's what she is doing.

    Posted by Kathleen June 16, 09 12:54 PM
  1. I am the guy who wrote the letter. Some things I didn't mention. She was on birth control. I also had known her as a friend for 3 years before we began dating. We had grown close in our friendship and this was a long time coming. I trusted her completely. She honestly would look at my constantly like she was completely in love with me. As soon as this scare happened the look was gone. I knew right away. I'm very upset, but I am going to try and move on. Find someone new. The hard part is just not understanding how things change that fast, and I honestly was more satisfied with this relationship than any I ever had been with any before even though it was only 3 months. It sucks to have that just yanked out from under you. Especially when I have never been so happy, so I can't just expect to get back to that level of happiness any time soon, if it took me my whole life to get there once.

    Posted by Original Poster - aka Very Attached. June 16, 09 12:57 PM
  1. I remember dating a guy casually in my 20's who was fun/nice/smart, etc. But my, "OMG, am I pregnant?" scare brought to the fore my real feelings for him: he was NOT the one I wanted to be pregnant with. Despite the fact that I didn't want to be pregnant with anyone at that point, he was definitely not the man I wanted to be linked to for the rest of my life if a mistake were to happen. Sad to say, that is the kiss of death to the relationship. No back-pedaling from there. You may not get that, and that's ok. Pregnancy is a woman's realm.

    Posted by BananaSeatBike June 16, 09 01:00 PM
  1. You sound like a nice man who found a nice woman and suddenly had welcome visions of a nice family, even though premature. It's painful when that bubble bursts.

    Leave her alone. At minimum she's looking for you to respect her boundaries until she is ready to contact you, and at most, no contact ever again. Best to respect the line she's drawn and avoid further complication (see "restraining order").

    You need to use a condom and your partner birth control unless both parties want a pregnancy. Safe sex is the responsible thing for other reasons as well. Maybe she was scared that you both could be so irresponsible, and decided it's not worth the risk of it happening again by continuing to date.

    Posted by yupokay June 16, 09 01:16 PM
  1. It wasn't your kid - sperm. She freaked and realized that she was a lousy cheat so she reacted with this crazy behaviour...count your blessings and take your time, let "things" settle but move on at your own pace

    Posted by twocents June 16, 09 01:21 PM
  1. It sounds like the first two comments were written by people who didn't even really read the letter.

    Posted by Get A Clue! June 16, 09 01:24 PM
  1. I’m amused by all of the comments that refer this 26 year old women as young. That label kind of went away when she crawled into the sack with a 33 year old guy. Young or not, she dumped him because he is a reminder of what she knows in her heart: “I’m making bad decisions that I’m unwilling to own.” She will never miss him, as he thinks. She is gone.

    Posted by DoubtfulOptimist June 16, 09 01:25 PM
  1. Not sure I'd call this letter "sad". To me, it just sounds like a very new relationship where someone found out quickly that the person she was dating isn't compatible with her (for whatever reason), and this person was honest enough to share her thoughts with the person she was dating. It is baffling that she went from proclaiming how great he is to telling him you smother me" regardless of pregnancy scares. Not sure if you purposely left info out....for example, were you smothering her? Were you fast tracking the relationship by telling her you would marry her if she was pregnant? Were you in any way pushing on the relationship in that time beyond just offering support? Were you making assumptions that this was a forever relationship? If so, she may have felt pressured that you were fast-tracking the relationship to something it wasn't able to stand up to given the youth of the relationship (3 months) and her (26). Hard to have much substance beyond good times at this stage of the game. A relationship (like a house) has to have a solid foundation, and it's difficult to establish that 3 months in, partricularly with somone at 26 who lacks the emotional maturity and experience of someone your age or older. Sometimes you can't just fast-track that foundation. And if she feels smothered, well that's her opinion...doesn't mean it's what you actually have been doing (or maybe it is), but she's entitled to how she feels. There are no guarantees in dating....each person has a right to figure out day by day whether the person is right for them or not based on behavior, feelings, and the things in life that either draw us together or apart. For whatever reason, she feels it's best to move apart, and maybe it will be forever a mystery (welcome to life and relationships). Best you can do is say, "sorry you've felt smothered...that's the last thing I've wanted to make you feel. Because I care and respect you, I will honor your wishes and give you space. If you ever feel the need to talk, grab a coffee, or watch a movie, let me know and maybe we can go as friends with no expectations". That way, you leave the door open, you put no pressure on her, and you honor her as a woman to be repsected.


    Posted by bklynmom June 16, 09 01:27 PM
  1. Hey "Whats Up With This" (#26), what's up with the jumping to conclusions? How do you KNOW the poster wasn't wearing a condom? How do you know the girl isn't on the pill? How do you know they didn't pop emergency contraception if the condom broke?

    "Two irresponsible people". Way to show off your medieval mentality!

    Posted by Kittie June 16, 09 01:29 PM
  1. Get a vasectomy and call her back. If she takes you back, it was just about the pregnancy scare. If she doesn't take you back, then it was something else and you'll be free to move on.

    Posted by BS June 16, 09 01:35 PM
  1. Who knows, maybe there's nothing wrong with the girl but the guy got so suddenly clingy to the point of being creepy weird.

    Posted by Not Clingy June 16, 09 01:35 PM
  1. Maybe she is just not ready for him that's all. She has other plan, that she wants
    to accomplished first.

    Posted by the one June 16, 09 01:51 PM
  1. Maybe she is just not ready for him that's all. She has other plan, that she wants
    to accomplished first.

    Posted by the one June 16, 09 01:51 PM
  1. Type your comment here...Rico's additional comments for today:

    What part of health education did you miss? Condoms are required in a relationship until you have both been tested and decided to either have a child or use other contraception. Rico is wondering if it was truly an accident or maybe you tried to get her pregnant and now that she is free and clear realizes she needs to stay away from you? Rico wonders if this is the case. Rico also wonders why you are crying about it to us since any "man" at your age should either have had heartbreak and learned it is a fact of life or is a total loser incapable of an adult relationship. Rico is somewhat serious here but all kidding aside Rico wants to know what type of relationship the two of you had that you got to this point. You say 3 months of dating, what type of dating was it? Did you mean by standing by her that you were going to be there for an abortion or to raise the child? There may be another reason she dropped you like a bad habit...maybe she wants children and you wanted to end the pregnancy? Or the other way around? More info needed for analysis, Rico wants full disclosure please.

    Love always,

    Rico

    Never go into battle without your helmet on. Don't go out in the rain without a raincoat.

    Posted by Rico June 16, 09 01:54 PM
  1. The EXACT SAME THING happened to Paco. There Paco was, with the woman of his dreams, involved in the best relationship he had ever had. She said she loved Paco more than any man she had ever known, and wanted to someday marry and have kids with Paco. Then she had a pregnancy scare, and her perception of how much she wanted kids changed. So did her view of Paco. Like you, Paco let her know that he was there for her and would support her however she wanted to be supported. She turned out not to be pregnant, but still decided that the best support was not to be supported at all.

    It does not mean she did not love you. She probably did, but didn't realize how much the idea of having a child scared her. Some women, especially those in their 20s, love the concept of settling down and raising children, but freak out when losing the next 18 years of their lives becomes a possible reality. Though this is easier than it sounds, try not to take this personally. It's not about you; it's about her fears.

    Paco's advice is to back off for now. Hopefully, she'll realize she's missing out on a good thing and come back to you, but there's no way to know for certain. Give her time to think about what she wants out of life, and if she wants a good and dependable guy, she'll come back. If she doesn't, find someone who does.

    Posted by Paco June 16, 09 01:54 PM
  1. Be glad that you avoided getting hitched to someone who, by all accounts, seems to be a drama queen and somewhat immature. It's time to celebrate, not to be down in the dumps. And next time, please date someone who is in your age-range as well as goals-range (common goals are a necessity for a stable relationship), and for the sake of Priapus, do buy some Trojans from the local drugstore!! Don't people have a talk about pregnancy, STDs and sexual history *before* they decide to get naked and exchange bodily fluids??

    Posted by The Dude June 16, 09 01:55 PM
  1. Be glad that you avoided getting hitched to someone who, by all accounts, seems to be a drama queen and somewhat immature. It's time to celebrate, not to be down in the dumps. And next time, please date someone who is in your age-range as well as goals-range (common goals are a necessity for a stable relationship), and for the sake of Priapus, do buy some Trojans from the local drugstore!! Don't people have a talk about pregnancy, STDs and sexual history *before* they decide to get naked and exchange bodily fluids??

    Posted by The Dude June 16, 09 01:55 PM
  1. Be glad that you avoided getting hitched to someone who, by all accounts, seems to be a drama queen and somewhat immature. It's time to celebrate, not to be down in the dumps. And next time, please date someone who is in your age-range as well as goals-range (common goals are a necessity for a stable relationship), and for the sake of Priapus, do buy some Trojans from the local drugstore!! Don't people have a talk about pregnancy, STDs and sexual history *before* they decide to get naked and exchange bodily fluids??

    Posted by The Dude June 16, 09 01:55 PM
  1. Type your comment here...Rico's additional comments for today:

    What part of health education did you miss? Condoms are required in a relationship until you have both been tested and decided to either have a child or use other contraception. Rico is wondering if it was truly an accident or maybe you tried to get her pregnant and now that she is free and clear realizes she needs to stay away from you? Rico wonders if this is the case. Rico also wonders why you are crying about it to us since any "man" at your age should either have had heartbreak and learned it is a fact of life or is a total loser incapable of an adult relationship. Rico is somewhat serious here but all kidding aside Rico wants to know what type of relationship the two of you had that you got to this point. You say 3 months of dating, what type of dating was it? Did you mean by standing by her that you were going to be there for an abortion or to raise the child? There may be another reason she dropped you like a bad habit...maybe she wants children and you wanted to end the pregnancy? Or the other way around? More info needed for analysis, Rico wants full disclosure please.

    Love always,

    Rico

    Never go into battle without your helmet on. Don't go out in the rain without a raincoat.

    Posted by Rico June 16, 09 01:58 PM
  1. Type your comment here...Rico's additional comments for today:

    What part of health education did you miss? Condoms are required in a relationship until you have both been tested and decided to either have a child or use other contraception. Rico is wondering if it was truly an accident or maybe you tried to get her pregnant and now that she is free and clear realizes she needs to stay away from you? Rico wonders if this is the case. Rico also wonders why you are crying about it to us since any "man" at your age should either have had heartbreak and learned it is a fact of life or is a total loser incapable of an adult relationship. Rico is somewhat serious here but all kidding aside Rico wants to know what type of relationship the two of you had that you got to this point. You say 3 months of dating, what type of dating was it? Did you mean by standing by her that you were going to be there for an abortion or to raise the child? There may be another reason she dropped you like a bad habit...maybe she wants children and you wanted to end the pregnancy? Or the other way around? More info needed for analysis, Rico wants full disclosure please.

    Love always,

    Rico

    Never go into battle without your helmet on. Don't go out in the rain without a raincoat.

    Posted by Rico June 16, 09 01:58 PM
  1. unfortunately, she is just not that into you

    Posted by pepperlevine June 16, 09 01:58 PM
  1. unfortunately, she is just not that into you

    Posted by pepperlevine June 16, 09 01:58 PM
  1. Rico's additional comments for today:

    What part of health education did you miss? Condoms are required in a relationship until you have both been tested and decided to either have a child or use other contraception. Rico is wondering if it was truly an accident or maybe you tried to get her pregnant and now that she is free and clear realizes she needs to stay away from you? Rico wonders if this is the case. Rico also wonders why you are crying about it to us since any "man" at your age should either have had heartbreak and learned it is a fact of life or is a total loser incapable of an adult relationship. Rico is somewhat serious here but all kidding aside Rico wants to know what type of relationship the two of you had that you got to this point. You say 3 months of dating, what type of dating was it? Did you mean by standing by her that you were going to be there for an abortion or to raise the child? There may be another reason she dropped you like a bad habit...maybe she wants children and you wanted to end the pregnancy? Or the other way around? More info needed for analysis, Rico wants full disclosure please.

    Love always,

    Rico

    Never go into battle without your helmet on. Don't go out in the rain without a raincoat.

    Posted by Rico June 16, 09 01:58 PM
  1. You sound like a nice guy. When this happened to me, the creep insisted I abort. I hate to tell you all the evil things he did to me, but then again he was not normal. Good luck to you, and I hope she realizes what a sweetie she has in you.

    Posted by You are a sweet man June 16, 09 01:58 PM
  1. Meredith's advice is right on per usual. I'm really confused by posts 1 and 2 though. They seem to think that LW is female??

    Posted by J Bar June 16, 09 01:58 PM
  1. You sound like a nice guy. When this happened to me, the creep insisted I abort. I hate to tell you all the evil things he did to me, but then again he was not normal. Good luck to you, and I hope she realizes what a sweetie she has in you.

    Posted by You are a sweet man June 16, 09 01:58 PM
  1. She's 26 and not ready for a baby, period. I know I wasn't at 26.

    Posted by sparky June 16, 09 01:58 PM
  1. Two things: 1. As usual, Meredith is 100% on the money with her advice. 2. Is it just me, or don't the 1st and 2nd responses make any sense? I've read and re-read the LW's problem and then the the first two responses and I feel like I'm missing something. Anybody? Hoss? Rico?

    Posted by Nada June 16, 09 02:05 PM
  1. I share jimbojones' sentiments. My first thought was that she had been with someone else.

    With that being said, I think it's wise to let sleeping dogs lie for now and see what pans out. I would not spend a lot of time on "what ifs" because she made a choice and clearly you were not involved in that process.

    Big red flag though - would you really want to go through that every time there's some sort of "life's trials" episode?

    And is it just me or are the first 2 posts from people who don't understand the letter or are they implying that VeryAttached is not being totally truthful?

    Posted by Terence June 16, 09 02:05 PM
  1. Be glad that you avoided getting hitched to someone who, by all accounts, seems to be a drama queen and somewhat immature. It's time to celebrate, not to be down in the dumps. And next time, please date someone who is in your age-range as well as goals-range (common goals are a necessity for a stable relationship), and for the sake of Priapus, do buy some Trojans from the local drugstore!! Don't people have a talk about pregnancy, STDs and sexual history *before* they decide to get naked and exchange bodily fluids??

    Posted by The Dude June 16, 09 02:05 PM
  1. Rico's additional comments for today:

    What part of health education did you miss? Condoms are required in a relationship until you have both been tested and decided to either have a child or use other contraception. Rico is wondering if it was truly an accident or maybe you tried to get her pregnant and now that she is free and clear realizes she needs to stay away from you? Rico wonders if this is the case. Rico also wonders why you are crying about it to us since any "man" at your age should either have had heartbreak and learned it is a fact of life or is a total loser incapable of an adult relationship. Rico is somewhat serious here but all kidding aside Rico wants to know what type of relationship the two of you had that you got to this point. You say 3 months of dating, what type of dating was it? Did you mean by standing by her that you were going to be there for an abortion or to raise the child? There may be another reason she dropped you like a bad habit...maybe she wants children and you wanted to end the pregnancy? Or the other way around? More info needed for analysis, Rico wants full disclosure please.

    Love always,

    Rico

    Never go into battle without your helmet on. Don't go out in the rain without a raincoat.

    Posted by Rico June 16, 09 02:06 PM
  1. What about that woman from a week or so ago that was nearing 40 and looking for a relationship/baby. Try her - she won't be freaked by a pregnancy scare!

    Posted by the7thstranger June 16, 09 02:09 PM
  1. What about that woman from a week or so ago that was nearing 40 and looking for a relationship/baby. Try her - she won't be freaked by a pregnancy scare!

    Posted by the7thstranger June 16, 09 02:09 PM
  1. We can pick apart each detail or try to guess why...but it is what it is. She told you she felt smothered-so there you have it. Believe her.
    No fun...that is for sure. I'm sorry.
    Give it some time. Stay busy-take good care of yourself.
    She'll come back to you if she wants, in the meantime just keep on keeping on.
    And also-take note that there are MANY girls out there who would want a man like you! We'll plan that LL party and get things going ... ;)
    Hang in there.

    Posted by pb June 16, 09 02:17 PM
  1. I think it's interesting that people are saying that 26 is too young to have children, or have a serious relationship. How many of our parents were married right out of high school? My mother had her first child when she was 26, and she'd been married to my father for years. But then again, its usually the ones who say "you're too young to be responsible!" that turn around and say "you should be more grown up!"
    I think the writer needs to find someone at a maturity level that's closer to his. Like its been said, you obviously are ready to settle down and have a family. You just need to find the one to do it with. Don't let it drag you down, there's plenty of women out there looking for the same things as you and can offer you a better, more give-and-take relationship.

    Best wishes!

    Posted by vlnplyr2 June 16, 09 02:20 PM
  1. Rico, why the attacks on me? What did i do wrong? I don't understand where your hatred is coming from. I didn't want her to be pregnant. She was on birth control. I trusted her. We had a great 3 year friendship before we ever decided to get involved. SHE freaked out when she was late. I was scared too, but i put on a strong face so as to not make it worse for her. I would have supported her decision on what to do if she was pregnant, no matter what she decided. It is ultimately her decision. I tried my best just to let her know I would be there for her no matter what to support her, without imposing anything on her. I don't understand how I am the bad guy in any of this.

    Posted by Original Poster June 16, 09 02:22 PM
  1. i agree, i think it's very likely that she just wasn't ready for something so serious and the pregnancy thing was a kick in the bum for her.

    and maybe this just comes from me having scandalous girl friends, but it could be the reason she was so worried was she thought there was a possibility it wasn't your [almost] baby. and that got her thinking about someone else.

    Posted by vanessa June 16, 09 02:28 PM
  1. Am I the only one who saw the red flag? She didn't want to take a prego test then dumped him when she was all good. Seems to me like maybe she could have been cheating on him.

    Either that or as everyone else said - she got scared.. freaked out... and isn't ready for either that relationship or one with the poster. Don't worry... if it was meant to be it will happen. Oh and for God's sakes man... practice safe sex!!!!!!! It's 2009!!!!!!

    Posted by KimberlyM June 16, 09 02:29 PM
  1. Rico's added responses were posted multiple times and not sure why? Rico wants to add #1 and #2 posts seemed to be from another letter, Rico assumes the writer was reading in another site other than here.

    Rico's new added comment after reading the posters comments...

    She was using you for a sex-buddy, FWB's, bridge to better/other pastures...whatever you want to call it. She realized she had been your "friend" for a while and made a mistake getting romantically involved with you and now she is freaked out and doesn't know how to get back to the way it was.

    You two had been friends for 3 years and never hooked up? Then suddenly start dating and together for 3 months when the scare came? Something still doesn't quite add up. Sounds like she was desperate for attention, got it and then woke up. Rico wonders if you ever heard of Coyote Ugly? You know the scene when she says you wake up and realize who is next to you in bed and want to chew your own arm off to escape...Rico hates to be rude...well not really but seriously Rico thinks your friendship changed beyond what she wanted due to desperation, curiosity, boredom or whatever and now the scare and she is realizing it was not meant to be and you got screwed. Sorry but life sucks...move on and stop being a weanie.

    Rico says if life hands you lemons then make lemonade...and sell it at the hatch shell to bikers looking for refreshment :)

    Love always and have a great day,

    Rico

    Posted by Rico June 16, 09 02:34 PM
  1. Puhleeze -- 26 is too young? that's all relative. I was 26 when I got married and I'm still married ten years later because I was ready and found the right partner. This chick is immature. A pregnancy scare is not anything to get unhinged about. A 26 year old knows where babies come from. They happen, you move on (and if she was on birth control as you say, she tries harder to remember to TAKE HER PILLS because there shouldn't be a pregnancy scare if you are taking them correctly). If she was really into you, VA, this wouldn't have been enough to scare her off. My guess is that she realized she didn't want a relationship with you after all -- that happens, too, sometimes, even after a long friendship as you have described.

    Posted by give me a break June 16, 09 02:39 PM
  1. MOVE ON - she's just not that into you......I could always tell after a couple of months if I wanted the relationship to continue or end and vice/versa. At least she was honest about her feelings. She was probably into you at first - but now she isn't and feels smothered (which means she doesn't want a boyfriend), she wants to be freeeee!!!!! Imagine if she did get pregnant????? She might have taken you up on it - and then DUMPED you after the baby......Aahhh the tangled webs we weave......

    Posted by Been around June 16, 09 02:49 PM
  1. RICO, I think YOU need to re-take remedial sex ed. Condoms are NOT 100% effective ALL the time even when they're used CORRECTLY.

    No need to thank me. I'm doing this as a public service.

    Posted by Kittie June 16, 09 02:52 PM
  1. Kudos to Bob Dwyer for his historical references post. Well done, sir. Say hi to your wife Barb Dwyer for us.

    Comments #1 and #2 were more useful than Rico's multiple rants. Look, we get it Rico. You spilled some in chats and we filled in the rest. You're a middle aged, divorced woman who cheated and now is trying to make a mockery of Meredith's blog. You are pretending to be a cartoonish male character who's sole mission each day is to flood this board with comments in an attempt to establish a purpose in your life and see how many others use your name in their comments. It was entertaining for the first, I don't know, four days.....

    Clearly, you are hurting more than you are helping the actual letter writters. You know, the purpose of the blog?

    Posted by Hadie Nuff June 16, 09 02:52 PM
  1. On 2nd thought - BACK OFF and LET HER MISS YOU. This honestly might work. You never know, women can be very fickle.

    Posted by Been around June 16, 09 02:58 PM
  1. Rico was not attacking you and the fact that you think so is even more disturbing. This is where Meredith and her people would suggest to get therapy to discuss your problems (YOUR PROBLEMS) and figure out where you are going in life. You obviously have relationship issues from the sounds of the letter and subsequent posts. Rico wonders whether you ever had a real relationship with someone before this girl.. Rico wants to help you, he is not attacking. Rico thinks you should get some help/therapy and Rico usually doesn't suggest therapy. You seem to need it and Rico means this in the nicest way...

    You are a grown up (33 years is grown up) and having this problem? Rico thinks you really need to grow up mentally as well. Again, nto an attack, just stating the facts. You whined Rico attacked you, whined a girl left you, you are a whiner and that is why whiners end up lonely single people with no friends and a bunch of cats.

    Sorry, Rico calls them as he sees them...

    Love always,

    Rico

    PS everyone...Rico has officially taken over :)

    Posted by Rico June 16, 09 03:00 PM
  1. Relax VA. You're not the bad guy. Rico is they guy in our group who we make fun of, like Elaine on Seinfeld. We keep him around because he's fun to laugh at, and occasionally, he nails it.

    You're not a bad guy, but you sound insecure. Insecurity is a relationship killer. Relax. Let it go. If you try to communicate with her you'll just look and feel bad. Seriously, go see The Hangover. You deserve some time off from worrying about this relationship. Listen to Meredith.

    Everyone else, lay off the SexEd.

    Posted by Sally June 16, 09 03:02 PM
  1. You seem like a kind and caring guy who truly loves this young woman, as you describe it as a friendship as well as romance. So, now you have to think, how can I be loving to her as a friend? Perhaps you can just let her know that you understand what a scare pregnancy must have been and that you miss her, but want to give her space. Or tell her, you'd like to understand how the scare affected her feelings for you, in order to give yourself closure, if that helps you have closure.

    Give yourself time to mourn if she decides not to be in relationship again, and then move on. Maybe she will come around. But either way, you seem like a great guy who will some day be ready to love again.

    Posted by Sunflower June 16, 09 03:03 PM
  1. Rico's now become so self-important s/he is posting the same reply 3 times.

    Posted by Alvin June 16, 09 03:03 PM
  1. I don't think you really have much choice here. If you call her, you will only anger her and maybe even cause her "stalker radar" to go off even if you don't consider it stalking. But if you don't call her, and instead just pretend in your mind that she is dead, it is possible, though unlikely, that she will miss you and want you back.
    But a part of me agrees with jimbojones and terence (above) that she may have realized she didn't want to be with you and made up the whole pregnancy scare.
    You will be sad for a while of course, but 3 months isn't really long enough to have developed anything more than an intense infatuation, and those are easier to get over than a real love relationship.

    Before you starting seeing someone else, do ask yourself if there's any truth to her words. Are you the smothering type? Do you jump into a relationship and tell the woman you love her before you even know her? The fact that you are so attached after only three months makes me think that maybe there is some truth to what she is saying. You might just love the idea of the person more than the actual person.

    Posted by Anonymous June 16, 09 03:07 PM
  1. "girlgalkidgalchick" get a life, you have no capability for "reading comprehension". Thanks for proving that most women are mentally unstable, and have liberal knee-jerk reactions to something they don't understand. I never said she was immature in general, just immature compared to his station in life. And I said when someone is 7 years apart, there life references are very different (he was sewing his oats in college while she was playing Barbies in middle school). Maybe they will think it's cute explaining cultural references to each other? Either way dating a girl so young is plain creepy; maybe you don't thinks so, and will have fun changing your elderly husbands diapers!

    Posted by DudeGuyKidDudeGuy666 June 16, 09 03:08 PM
  1. LW, listen to the responses from women. There are a lot of damaged men on here who don't know this woman you really care about, yet label her immature, a lousy cheat, a drama queen, a party girl, irresponsible, insinuate it wouldn't have been your baby, etc. From reading comments on here from men over the past few months, they are fairly misogynistic. I guess some guys can't handle rejection well and it poisons them.

    I'm sorry for your pain. Two good people can break up with each other. There doesn't have to be a bad guy. I hope things get better soon.

    Posted by Goodluck June 16, 09 03:08 PM
  1. To the LW: Sorry, for whatever reason the girl is not that into you. Simple as that.
    Now, as for Meredith's update from the woman whose boyfriend was taking another girl to the Cape..."She'd send us a relationship update as soon as she has one..." I can tell that she didn't break up with him yet!! Does anyone agree with me?

    Posted by voiceofreason June 16, 09 03:09 PM
  1. VA,
    You're not the bad guy. Don't listen to Rico. From what I can tell here, you may have dodged a huge bullet. This girl was immature and seems a little flaky. Her behaviour is not how normal adults react to this type of situation. Sometimes when you are in love, you don't see those things. Count your blessings that she wasn't pregnant. If she was, this letter would be a lot more difficult to answer for you. You are a grown-up and we've all been burned by relationships once or twice in our lives. Go out with some friends, have a few drinks and count your lucky stars you won't be fighting for weekend visiting rights.

    Posted by DrK June 16, 09 03:15 PM
  1. Dude, just let it go. She's not worth it.

    Luv

    Ida

    Posted by ida June 16, 09 03:21 PM
  1. Original Poster, You're not "the bad guy." It's just that Rico loves to call other people morons. It's him, not you. Skip his posts. Reread the ones that tell you that you sound like a great guy and that you'll get through this and you'll find someone new.

    Posted by Frico June 16, 09 03:33 PM
  1. Dear LW, i agree with your post (113). Rico is ranking pretty hard on you, without knowing any of the backstory, because that is what Rico does. There is Rico's way or the highway (by bike - maybe he'll run into a semi). It doesn't sound like you did anything wrong. It sounds like you had time to develop strong feelings for this girl, that she apparently reciprocated, then she blind-sided you. The posters who tell you to count your blessings and move on are doing a disservice to the grief you are feeling. You have the right to be sad and angry and it doesn't make you less "manly" to express emotion. If we had more like you and less like Rico, we females would be a happier bunch.

    Posted by J Bar June 16, 09 03:35 PM
  1. I'm not understanding why people are recommending he send her a note and/or flowers??!! WTF? She missed her period. Who hasn't? She's either super immature or she was sleeping with someone else or she was looking for a way out. No normal relationship or adult female would end a "great" relationship because of a missed period. Leave her be. She's either too immature for you or she's already moved on. It'll hurt for a while, but your better off knowing about her after 3months than 3 years.

    Posted by JJ June 16, 09 03:49 PM
  1. Once again, I think Meredith's advice is good. I would add that when having sex with a person you don't plan on making kids with that HIS and HER birth control is necessary.

    Lady birth control in not foolproof. Gentleman birth control is not foolproof. Only when the his and hers are BOTH in place do you get to the 99 percent prevention that everyone thinks comes with birth control pills.

    Original Poster you aren't a bad guy. However, it does sound like you and your young lady friend didn't have the boring talks about sex before you had sex.

    “What is the plan if birth control fails?”

    “Since we both haven’t been tested for STD and stuff and female birth control isn’t as fool proof as advertised, what type of condoms would you like me to wear?”

    I think, Mr. Original Poster, that you were as in love with the idea of being in love as you were actually in love with Miss Skittish Kitten. You said and did all the right things and still got the door slammed on your face. Follow Meredith’s advice and walk away for now. She knows where to find you. And in the future, “trust less” and double up on the birth control until you and wife have names picked out.

    Posted by Lain the Blunt June 16, 09 03:53 PM
  1. WOW, JcJc (comment #1) - talk about PROJECTION!! Either that or you have no capacity whatsoever for reading comprehension.

    As it's been pointed out by others, the WOMAN is the one who ditched and put up the wall - not a "... guy who would screw you over and leave it up to you to handle it."

    Perhaps someone so ready to hate men shouldn't be commenting on relationship advice columns... Get a grip.

    Posted by Edzo June 16, 09 03:57 PM
  1. Meredith - good job on the advice - terrible job on moderating the posts. I can't believe you let posts #1 & #2 go up, because they completely mis-read the letter getting the genders wrong of who did what. Then Rico's 2nd post appeared no less than three times #95, #99 and #101.

    Finally, you need to automatically block anyone who uses the phrase: "s/he is just not into you." Get an original idea. It was a throw-away on SATC now it's just an overused dead-horse - three times in this post so far #20, #60 and #100.

    Posted by Red June 16, 09 04:15 PM
  1. Build a bridge and get over it, if she wanted a future with you she would have continued the relationship, but obviosly does not want that. Seems like you liked her more than she like you. Sorry but thats probably the truth. There is only one relationship that lasts forever and its not this one obviously, your 33, you need to move on.

    Posted by Fact June 16, 09 04:17 PM
  1. You are a dolt.

    3 months and not wearing a condom? The best experience of your life??

    Wondering why a 26 year old isn't ready to settle down with a guy 7 years older?

    Grow up and find chicks your own age. Actually, never mind, it sounds like you're mentally younger than 26

    Posted by grow up June 16, 09 04:21 PM
  1. @Original Poster: Ignore She-co, who's not even male.

    Posted by Alvin June 16, 09 04:22 PM
  1. Can we all at least agree that the one-liners about "he/she is just not that into you." have long passed their shelf-life? Enough... it's not funny or clever. It's annoying. Not as annoying as all the third-person egomaniacs (and those pretending to be same) but it's annoying, nonetheless.

    So, recap : No more "just not that into you" one-liners; No more third-person egomaniacs. Okay? Okay. I think everyone will be a lot happier, regardless of their relationship status...

    Posted by You're not Funny OR Clever June 16, 09 04:24 PM
  1. @"Rico, why the attacks on me? What did i do wrong? I don't understand where your hatred is coming from. I didn't want her to be pregnant. She was on birth control. I trusted her. We had a great 3 year friendship before we ever decided to get involved. SHE freaked out when she was late. I was scared too, but i put on a strong face so as to not make it worse for her. I would have supported her decision on what to do if she was pregnant, no matter what she decided. It is ultimately her decision. I tried my best just to let her know I would be there for her no matter what to support her, without imposing anything on her. I don't understand how I am the bad guy in any of this."


    Please understand we can only go by what was written--it's not actually the reality of what happened, it's just a representation.

    to me it sounded like you assumed she wanted a lot more from this than she actually did, then when you offered all that support it implied a level of relatedness and intimacy that she didn't want, for whatever reason, and distanced herself.

    Sop that's why I think the best you can do is apologize for "smothering" her (if that's what sshe feels) and say "Best Luck in your future Endeavors" and leave it at that.

    If she knows you are really going to let it go, if she has the desire to she will contact you. But you have to be ready to let this just go and get on with your life, like now. If you do, she will sense it and if she has any desire to continue she will recontact you.

    Posted by Steve in W MA June 16, 09 04:39 PM
  1. Part of the problem with commenting on Boston.Com is they give you *no* space to write, you can't even see the whole of what you've written to go back over it and see if it's reasonable on the whole.

    Apologies if any of my comments caused hurt feelings. I just read the post where you've been friends for 3 years before dating. That's going to make it a lot harder to let go or understand.

    Posted by Steve in W MA June 16, 09 05:09 PM
  1. PLEASE BLOCK Rico. Allow the person to post but not as Rico. A few comments only. These type of people ruin blogs.

    Posted by lisa June 16, 09 05:18 PM
  1. You are a sweet man and she was lucky to have you. When this happened to me the evil person demanded I abort, but then again he was a sicko.

    Good luck to you and I hope everything works out as you wish.

    Posted by You are a dear sweet man June 16, 09 05:22 PM
  1. She may have gotten caught up in a panic. Send her reminders of the good times with a unique personal touch - favorite dessert, music, collections, etc. Be a good friend by seeming concerned and just letting her know you are there without requesting any response or attention.

    Posted by not toworry June 16, 09 05:57 PM
  1. Hmmm...why is it that when women write in about a man who pulls the ghost act he's a dog. When a woman pulls the same crap she gets all kinds of allowances and excuses made for her.

    I'm using this column to do an in-depth study of female double-standards. It's certainly very fertile ground for such research.

    Posted by Schlippo June 16, 09 06:06 PM
  1. ToThe original poster, you are not the bad guy it is The One's at fault. She is just not herself lately that's all. Lots going on. Her body, (stress, just stress) and situation she is not happy to be in.

    Posted by The one, not stranger June 16, 09 06:13 PM
  1. ToThe original poster, you are not the bad guy it is The One's at fault. She is just not herself lately that's all. Lots going on. Her body, (stress, just stress) and situation she is not happy to be in.

    Posted by The one, not stranger June 16, 09 06:13 PM
  1. How come no updates since 2:22 p.m.?

    Posted by J Bar June 16, 09 06:17 PM
  1. #85 and 113 (the l/w) - that prolly isn't bleako, but an imposter. Unfortunately, the boston.com boards aren't well-moderated and the flame-throwers are about. (But are you sure she was on birth control? Did you see the pill, or anything else?) My heart goes out to you - it's just awful when someone suddenly breaks with you, with no apparent warning, then won't tell you the real reason. Such people lack courage and integrity, they lack self-esteem. But also you say the two of you were friends for the longest time. And that's just it, there you have it: she did not feel comfortable morphing that into a romance, She gave it a shot; it didn't work for her; now she wants distance to sort this out. And you need distance, too. Take care of yourself - don't contact her again; heal. One day you'll find out from her or her friends what happened, for now that's out of your hands, unfortunately. Try not to become jaded (easier said than done), but there WILL be brighter days ahead, I promise.

    Posted by reindeergirl June 16, 09 06:33 PM
  1. Now much you can do but give her space. Yeah it's the hardest thing to do when being attracted to a girl, but it's all about self-control. I find that if a girl wants to be with me, she'll go out of her way to do so.

    Posted by LeBron June 16, 09 06:35 PM
  1. Two more things. 1. Can we please just quit using the phrase "he's just not that into you" and go back to whatever we said before the book/movie? 2. Can we please just quit using the phrase "it is what it is"? It's meaningless! Since the LW was kind enough to write in and give us a little more background, he is not only mourning the loss of a love interest, but also the loss of a longtime friend. There are times that those two titles are mutually exclusive. He sounds like a great guy. He needs some time to grieve for the loss of love and friendship. Only then will he be ready to move on.

    Posted by Nada June 16, 09 07:00 PM
  1. Original Poster, don't listen to Rico. He's nuts anyway. I am a 25 year old woman and have been through a similar experience. All I can say is that the intensity of emotions a woman experiences in the few days of being late is unlike any other. You see your life flash before your eyes. "Scare" is right -- in a big way. You realize how someone who's only recently entered your life could drastically change it forever. Sometimes, it's too much to take all at once.

    I feel bad for you, because it sounds you did all you could to support her. It's possible that her feels will warm once the fear has worn off, but only if you give her space and time to come to her own once more. If not, then I hope you'll be able to let go and move on if if necessary. Good luck.

    Posted by danielle June 16, 09 07:02 PM
  1. The choice of phrase: "she was the best experience" bothers me. Makes her sound like a ride at an amusement park or a Broadway play rather than a beloved human being. Thus, I wonder if you do, indeed, see your beloved for who she is. Did this woman feel your expressed concern better illuminated your own desire for a family more strongly than it expressed support for her personal panic?

    Aside from my parsing, "feeling smothered" is certainly a legitimate expression. And it's clear this woman is not ready for what you have to offer. Give her all of the space and time she has asked for with the knowledge that if you are what she desires most, she will find a way back to you.

    Posted by snuckles June 16, 09 07:25 PM
  1. I'm sure many women (and perhaps quite a few men) can attest to this. If a woman tells you she feels smothered, she is not that into you, for lack of a better phrase. I am 42, but when I was younger I felt smothered by a few men. I realized once I finally fell truly in love with someone that those feelings were lacking in the other relationships that made me feel smothered. In the beginning she may have felt all that she told you because of the "newness". That is pretty normal for most. It isn't about her age really, it's more about truly falling in love. True love doesn't go away, but "newness" does.

    Posted by nlw0009 June 16, 09 07:32 PM
  1. VA, do not worry about some of the negative comments you have read. By and large, the majority feel you are a stand up guy and wish there were more around like you. If you are new to this board, you do not know how some people who regularly post, use this board for their own agenda. Also, there are others who post using another's name.

    I am sure that you know the old sayings: "love hurts" "better to have lost at love...." but they are all true. For what ever reason, she does not want the same thing that you do. I'd like to think that the "scare" was an eye opener for her that she is just not ready for the life that you are ready for. Not the fact that she has found someone else. I do not agree with the posters that say to send her a letter or flowers. She had a late period, we all have had late periods. The fact that she freaked just after a couple of days, tells me, a woman, that she is just not at the same place as you and needed a way out. asap. This is one time that we can honnestly say "its not you, its her." Keep your head up high and remember the fun you had and don't be bitter. Not every relationship, no matter how great is made for the long haul But it doesn't make them any less wonderful and meaningful.

    Posted by J.J.C June 16, 09 08:05 PM
  1. There is a bigger point here which seems to have been missed. I'm all for sexual liberation of responsible adults. But the key word there is RESPONSIBLE. You have the power to create life, and short of tied tubes and uterectomy there is no 100% effective method of contraception (let alone STD prevention). If you are not both ready, willing, and on the same page with the *possibility* of a child resulting, then keep it in your pants already. The "what if (we) make a child" discussion needs to happen before, rather than after, the fact. This is not old-fashioned or prudish, it's "common" sense. Say what you will about tradition: there is a whole lot that was/is bad about the patriarchal domination of society; but traditional morality is by and large the fairly logical conclusion of thousands of years of human experience. It is being rightfully updated with the advent of contraception and the changes in relationship timeline which accompany our extended lifespans and greater geographic and economic mobility. However, the pendulum sometimes swings too far toward irresponsible.

    Posted by 2am June 16, 09 09:16 PM
  1. The information that you had been friends for 3 years beforehand is *major information that*, if in Meredith's article and/or your original letter, would have really changed the interpretation from most of the posters, including me. I think if I had been in the same situation with someone I had been friends with for 3 years (and probably was attracted to for all that time, I'm guessing), then actually started dating her, was extremely happy with the relationship, and this happened, I would be utterly flabbergasted, upset, confused, and even outraged at being suddenly cold-shouldered without explanation of why. After knowing someone that long, you really owe them a decent honest explanation if your feelings change and you want out. There could be lots of reasons for it, but really it would be best probably for both of you if she "womaned up" and told l you what they are if she's known you that long. But you can't make her do it. You can ask her to do it though. It's basic respect for another person. Even if she's only known you for 3 months, I'd say that's the case, unless she has reason to believe you're some kind of psycho and honest communication about her feelings is not appropriate with you and she using the only strategy she can come up with or knows to extract herself from what she believes to be a dangerous relationship , in which case I could understand and sanction what she is doing.

    Posted by steve in W MA June 16, 09 09:18 PM
  1. if my period was even one day late and i was having any sort of sexual contact with a guy i would be RUNNING to CVS to buy the first 12-pack of tests i could find. i don't understand why she wouldn't take a test. it seems very suspicious...

    Posted by test taker June 16, 09 11:18 PM
  1. Hmmm. I think we're missing something here. I think Mer missed the boat entirely. What does "I'll be there for her and support her in every possible way"............ mean? You'd support her no matter what she'd do?? Or you'd support her in having the baby? Or you'd support her in having an abortion? I dont think you've been clear on what exactly you'd support her on. If you were going to support her no matter what she chose, I think you would have said that. As in, it's her choice. You'll be there no matter what she chooses. I dont see the word "choice" anywhere in your explaination. What exactly did you say? She may think that if there is a pregnancy, you'd expect her to have the baby, or, that you'd expect her to not have it. EIther way, the way you worded your "support" may have sounded more like an order or an expectation of what you wanted her to do with hte pregnancy and if that is the case....uhhh.... yeaaaaahhhh, that would freak out any women. I have had pregnancy scares, and what they usually accomplished was making me REALLY careful and double-upping on my birth control. It never made me end a relationship or blame someone for smothering me. Smothering means, imposing, pressuring. Were you pressuring her? Is it possible your beliefs on choice do not coincide? Because that surely would end a relationship instantly, and if that is the case, there is nothing you can do. It's too fundamentally opposing to a women to have a man not be on board with her right to chose whether or not she's going to be pregnant and birth a baby. If you two dont see eye to eye on that, you have no future at all.

    Posted by hellooooooooooo people June 17, 09 01:39 AM
  1. I think everyone has missed something really obvious here. If she was pregnant, she would have aborted. She doesn't want kids now. He's in his 30's, he's head over heels for her, he'd have been pretty happy marrying her and having the kid. FREAK OUT. They are NOT in the same place. She can't go on dating someone whom she would abort a pregnancy with knowing he'd be ticked thinking she's killing his kid or maybe try to stop her and talk her into making a baby she doesn't want, or worse, freak out and take legal action. Nightmare. Move on. You guys are in fundamentally different places and she knows it.

    Posted by sorry to say June 17, 09 01:50 AM
  1. Maybe she actually was pregnant, and ended the pregnancy, and is not admitting it.

    Posted by some common senes June 17, 09 02:53 AM
  1. "You told her you’d be there for her no matter what"...no, that's not what he said. He said "I told her that if she was pregnant, I would be there for her and support her in every way possible". People say what they mean. He did NOT say he would be there no matter what she chooses. In fact, it feels more like he's saying he'd support her in helping to raise the baby, finacially, emotionally, yada yada. All very commendable and amirable. But what if...what if...she knows, had she been pregnant, she would not have had the baby? And that in his heart of hearts, he would have wanted her to. Me thinks this is more in line with what happened.

    Posted by a few more years makes a difference June 17, 09 02:59 AM
  1. "You told her you’d be there for her no matter what"...no, that's not what he said. He said "I told her that if she was pregnant, I would be there for her and support her in every way possible". People say what they mean. He did NOT say he would be there no matter what she chooses. In fact, it feels more like he's saying he'd support her in helping to raise the baby, finacially, emotionally, yada yada. All very commendable and amirable. But what if...what if...she knows, had she been pregnant, she would not have had the baby? And that in his heart of hearts, he would have wanted her to. Me thinks this is more in line with what happened.

    Posted by a few more years makes a difference June 17, 09 02:59 AM
  1. Meredith and moderator,

    I urge you to do something about Rico. It is counterproductive to allow someone to post 6-8 comments per day that are more hurtful than helpful to the letter writer. It's not even remotely humorous any more. The attacks on today's LW are simply unacceptable.

    Posted by Dr. Tom Davis June 17, 09 09:16 AM
  1. I think there is no new advice left to give at this point. I just started reading the "Love Letters" column about a month or so ago - I find it very entertaining and have concidered sending in a question or two myself. The GCS column solidified me as a fan. I'm now officially addicted and waiting for my daily fix. I'm especially interested in getting the update from the Cape Girl and agree with a poster above that she must not be currently broken up if she doesn't have a 'relationship update' yet. .

    For the record, Rico's comments crack me up and made the first few columns/comments I read memorable.

    Posted by Monty June 17, 09 10:23 AM
  1. The heck with blocking Rico....someone alert Belmont (McLean) and or Bridewater State they are missing one.

    I will keep this short...I hope to God Rico can get the help he needs.

    Stop using the 3rd person!!!!...you sound really stupid. Is that what you want?

    Posted by Pete June 17, 09 03:43 PM
  1. Dr Tom Davis is a jealous LOSER, most likely a chiropractor (ie. not a real doctor). Rico is the Bomb and I too enjoy reading his comments. Looks like the multiple posts yesterday was a technical error from the website, not his multiple comments. At least he has the cohones to reply to others and validate his "third person" opinions. He is too honest for some of you and too harsh for some but for others, myself included his comments make me look outside the box and actually think about things. Rico Rules!!!

    Posted by Dr Davis is a loser June 17, 09 03:59 PM
  1. This is the LW again. For the person who reposted repeatedly about me not giving her a "choice" is incorrect. I told her I would support her in any way she needed me to, and I also added "no matter what you decide to do". I understood that the decision was not mine, so I didnt even consider what I really wanted to do. I just decided to be strong, and let her know I wouldn't bail on her. What I think has happened is what several people said. The thought of being attached to me for life was too scary for her this early on. She is young, and is out there partying every weekend. I think she realized shes not ready for that commitment. I am very hurt, but moving on. I hope to find someone who appreciates what i have to offer. She obviously isn't the right one for me.

    Posted by Original Poster June 17, 09 08:07 PM
  1. Cry Baby
    Whiner
    Did she take your virginity away?
    Was she the first real girlfriend? Not a blow up doll or chat buddy from the internet?
    Were you so excited a girl finally had sex with you that you just fell for her?
    How old when you got your first kiss (not from your mother)?

    Meredith, Is this letter from a heartbroken 13 year old? Seriously, grow up and be a man you whiny little girl.

    Posted by Alter-ego June 19, 09 08:47 AM
 
ABOUT LOVE LETTERS: Welcome to Love Letters, the place for love advice (giving and getting). Globe relationship columnist Meredith Goldstein and Boston.com readers are ready to take your letters and tell you what's what. Have a question? Click here to submit or email us at loveletters@boston.com.
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Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.

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