Good morning. To balance yesterday’s happy letter, you get a sad one today.
And before I forget – a few of you emailed to ask about the aftermath of Friday’s letter from Trying Not to Be Jealous, whose boyfriend was taking another woman to the Cape. TNTBJ promised me by email yesterday that she’d send us a relationship update as soon as she has one. She also says thanks for the advice.
For now, focus on this:
Q: I am a 33 year old male. I was recently dating a great 26 year old woman for about 3 months. We really seemed into each other, and she was constantly telling me how great I was to her, and how much I meant to her. She would tell me that she never dated anyone who ever made her feel half as good as I do. Then a little more than a week ago we had a pregnancy scare. Her period was a few days late. During those days she was very nervous, but wouldn't actually take a pregnancy test. I told her that if she was pregnant, I would be there for her and support her in every way possible. Well fortunately she had the period and we were clear. But she wasn't acting the same. She was distant. Within a week she broke up with me. She said she felt "smothered" -- that things were moving too fast. That she didn't feel anything for me anymore. I just don't understand how things can go from incredible to over in a week's time. I did nothing but my best for her the entire time. I don't want to lose her, when I think she is just freaking out or panicking. I tried to discuss it with her more, but she asked me not to call her anymore so I haven't. I don't know what to do. I am very hurt. She was easily the best experience I ever had, and I really want her back. Is this "feeling smothered" thing just a line women feed men to get rid of them, or is it a legit feeling? What do your female readers think I should do? My gut tells me to just back off and wait for her to miss me, but it is so hard. I am so attached right now.
-- VeryAttached, Boston
A: My thought is – it’s not that her feelings for you changed, it’s that the pregnancy scare shed light on all that she’s not ready for. You told her you’d be there for her no matter what. And she was probably thinking, “Uh oh. Do I want this person to be here for me no matter what? Am I ready?” The answer, sadly, was no. And after three months, she's allowed to make that decision.
You’re in your 30s and ready to be incredible to someone. She sounds like a twenty-something who’s not quite there yet. An almost-pregnancy made that quite clear.
All you can do is say to her, “I think you’re amazing. I know this is more than you’re ready for, but I think it’s worth trying. I promise to go slow. Let me know what you think.” Then you walk away. Then you wait by the phone and cry a bit. That’s how this goes.
If she doesn’t come around, you’ll eventually see that there are many women (especially the ones who are exactly your age) who are more than ready for an incredible guy like you who plans to stick around.
I’m sorry, though. It’s not easy.
Readers? Think she’ll change her mind after she gets over the shock of the almost-pregnancy? Should VA be hopeful? Am I wrong about moving on? Share here.