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Do I tell the bride he's cheating?

Posted by Meredith Goldstein  June 30, 2009 10:10 AM

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Folks, I looked today, and we're almost to our 10,000th comment. I think the person who is the 10,000th commenter should win a prize or something. That's pretty big. I'll let you know when it happens.

This one's about disclosure.

Q: I recently met a really nice, funny, attractive-in-all-the-right-ways guy. My friends and his friends met out one evening and hung out for a while. We were then invited to one of the guy’s homes where the fun flirting and attraction continued. We stayed until the following morning. No sex -- although he wanted to and asked many times if it could happen. The morning after, the four of us laughed, drank coffee and he asked for my number for the second time since meeting. While in his friend's kitchen I came upon a rehearsal dinner and wedding invitation – with just a first name on it. It was his name (which is a very common name). I joked that it was his. He said it was a friend’s. I took note of the web address on the invites. Later I visited the website and discovered it is, in fact, him getting married this mid-July. The website shows photos of the life he has lead for the last 3 years with his fiancée. I feel bad for the woman. She is marring a man who completely disrespected her and the relationship. There is an email to contact on the website which is hers. Should I give her a heads up as to her fiancée’s recent activities? Or should I let karma take its course? Also, what is up with guys?

-- AnswerThis, Boston

A: AT, some of my readers are going to tell you that this is why you shouldn’t go home with strangers. But that’s not really the point of this letter, is it? You’re upset that you were duped -- but you’re more concerned about this person’s fiancée and whether you should e-mail her to let her know what she’s getting into.

This question comes up a lot – whether a third party should inform someone in a couple about a cheat.

The thing is, there is no right answer. All options feel very, very wrong. If you tell, it’s possible – and probable – that the fiancée won’t believe you. You’re a stranger, after all, and he’s probably a great liar. If you don’t tell, you’re withholding information that could save this woman from a partnership rooted in deception.

My advice is to e-mail him. Find his contact information through your friends. Tell him you’re very sorry he lied, not because you can’t handle it, but because you assume he’s marrying someone who believes in him, someone who deserves much better. The note probably won’t do much – but it couldn’t hurt for him to have a little scare and a reminder that his actions have consequences. That’s the best you can do.

As for what’s up with guys … Guys? Want to field that one? Do all men do this? I hope not. Everyone, share thoughts here. Letters to the right. Twitter here.

-- Meredith

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497 comments so far...
  1. In the Internet Age we have a saying "This Post is Useless without Pictures!". Well your e-mail to the Bride will be useless also, she will just see you as some catty opportunistic slut trying to steal her man via rumor and innuendo. I say invite the guy out for drinks, get in him a "compromising position" and snap a few Photos! Then e-mail those to the Fiancee, and enjoy all the hilarity that will ensue!

    Posted by DudeGuyKidDudeGuy666 June 30, 09 10:24 AM
  1. He's clearly an idiot. But I wouldn't try to ask "What's up with guys?" lumping all of us together. If stuff like this is a recurring experience with you (which sounds like the case because of the question), then maybe you should ask why am I attracted to this kind of guy

    Posted by Tony June 30, 09 10:28 AM
  1. I tend to live life with a "do what you can do" attitude. You have the power to warn the bride about the sleazeball she is about to marry. Do it. What she does with it is really up to her.

    Posted by gk08 June 30, 09 10:28 AM
  1. Oh man, what a dog. I completely agree with Mer -- you should email him. BUT, I think you should say "I found out you're the one getting married, not your friend. Your soon-to-be wife NEEDS to know what kind of a person you are. I'm giving you one week to tell her before I email her." Then it's up to you whether you really email her or not, but I think this needs to come from him and he needs to believe you're going to tell her if he doesn't.

    I'd also suggest finding out where she works or hangs out and go strike up a convo woth her without letting her know who you are to get a feel for what kind of a person she is. If it were me, this would help me decide whether to tell her myself or not.

    Posted by laurahere June 30, 09 10:31 AM
  1. Real men don't do this.

    My evil twin suggests....... create a new email address in Yahoo or GMail or something for this. Send him the email that Meredith has suggested. Ask him why you shouldn't call his fiancee to tell her what a scumbag he is being. When he responds, send your original and his response to her.....

    Posted by Jeff June 30, 09 10:33 AM
  1. That's a tough one! I am getting married this Fall and I can say without a doubt that I would want to know if my fiance was cheating. Hands down. What happens if they get married, have kids and he cheats again down the road? Then there are more parties involved and it just gets messy. I say email his fiance.

    Posted by BosGal June 30, 09 10:34 AM
  1. I don't know about Meredith's advice. What if the email is so threatening to this guy and his plans that he does something unexpected? What if Answer This is suddenly threatened back. Also, warning him can give him an opportunity to set up a defense.

    There are basically 2 choices. One do nothing, this fiancee has her own responsibility to know the guy she's going to marry. Two, you tell her that her future hubby is a dog and see what happens. You could be doing the woman a favor.

    The safest and easiest thing is to do nothing. Without any knowledge of their relationship and with little knowledge of this man and his character, that is the safest bet. But if you feel some compelling reason why this woman you don't know needs to be warned then go ahead. You may make a new friend for life, or a new enemy for life.

    Posted by S June 30, 09 10:34 AM
  1. I think you need to leave the fiance out of this as you do not know her. But what about your friends, didn't they know him already? They let this go on knowing he was about to tie the knot? I would tell the people you know that know him. Maybe then the word will get back to her from friends rather than a stranger.

    Posted by SoxSupporter June 30, 09 10:34 AM
  1. I'd just move along. No need to take the risk of this bringing drama into your life if the guy's fiancee freaks out on you and accuses you of something you didn't even do. He probably already understands that you figured out he lied about the wedding invitation so contacting him is probably useless..

    Posted by techdood June 30, 09 10:34 AM
  1. I agree with Meredith. If she tells the bride, she won't believe her anyway, but it will still ruin what should be a happy day. I know that is kind of lame, but if the bride is going to marry him anyway, she might as well be happy about it. Very small chance that the bride will believe her. Besides, weren't a lot of his friends around and witness to the flirting? Maybe one of them will clue her in and if they don't, it isn't up to you. I would probably go a little farther in an email to him, about really looking at himself - like why would he be getting married if he is still cheating.
    Not a guy, but I don't think all guys are like this. I think both genders can be like this if they are not really in love with the person they are marrying.

    Posted by JB June 30, 09 10:35 AM
  1. Sounds familiar! Ready for this!!? My last boyfriend (not even sure I'm really allowed to call him that anymore?) was a liar and a cheater as well. After two years of being with him, I found out on theknot.com he had been engaged the entire time I had known him and been with him! All the guys on here are probably thinking, how stupid could this girl have been to not figure this out? I wondered the same thing after, but when I say this guy was a good liar, he was a good liar. Anyway, after I found out I wondered what the best approach to take was. Tell him I knew, tell her about him, or let it all go entirely. Your situation is a bit different considering you barely know this guy, so really? Why does it matter to you AT ALL?

    I obviously confronted my so-called boyfriend at the time and let him know what I found out. I told him "Heather" would be very upset if she found out what he had been doing for the past 2 years and that I knew how to contact her if I felt the need to. I felt like that was enough to scare him. As far as telling her? The thought never crossed my mind. I realized how much learning about those lies affected me and I don't need to be the one to bring that kind of pain on that poor, unsuspecting girl! My guess? He'll do it again, and next time he won't be so lucky. She'll find out and he'll get what's coming to him. Until then, what she doesn't know won't hurt her.

    Tell him you know and never contact him (or her) again.

    Posted by Kathleen June 30, 09 10:35 AM
  1. I agree with Meredith - contact him and let him know that you know and think his bride to be deserves better than him. I also think that contacting the bride will make her suspicious, but will most likely result in nothing changing - he will deny it, she will probably write you off as a loon who found her website. Either way, good choice to not sleep with him.

    Posted by msweb June 30, 09 10:36 AM
  1. When I was in college and couple had been dating since high school but attended different colleges. At a certain point (at least for the final two years) the woman began to cheat on the boyfriend (someone I knew, but not that well). I was first hand witness to several instances of this (once with a friend of mine) and never said anything. I come to find out that the two had become engaged after graduation and also did not say anything. I felt that if I were in his place I would want to know, but I also didn’t feel that it was my place to say anything.

    Posted by Ed June 30, 09 10:37 AM
  1. I don't think emailing him will do anything because lets face it, he seems to be open to cheating and therefore lying already which shows a lack of respect for his fiancee. Do you really think he has an concern about you and if you respect him?

    The bride to be may or maynot believe you because you are a stranger to her. But then again she may be riding out some uneasiness about her fiance and just have nothing to go on other than feelings. Personally I would get his email addie and the one that is on the website, and then email both at the same time. State the facts you met him with friends there were always other people present and you had a good time. Describe the RD invite etc and asked if it was his and that he denied it. Then sign off saying that you thought everyone should be aware of the situation and they can do what they like, but you are out of the equation because you don't date married or soon to be married people.

    Posted by Tell them both June 30, 09 10:37 AM
  1. If I were her, I would want to know, so I were you, I would email her. I'd tell her exactly what you wrote here- you thought you met this great, single guy, came across the wedding stuff, realized it was his. Whether she believes or not is up to her, but I'd include details about where you went, whose place you were at when you found the wedding details, so she knows that you were where you said you were. Then it's up to her.

    Posted by Amie June 30, 09 10:37 AM
  1. I would 100% email her based on the fact that a buddy of mine got married, went on his honeymoon on the other side of the world and on the second day there, his new wife says, "I'm so glad we are married and can put our pasts behind us." He was a little taken aback and inquired further, long story short, she was cheating on him up until they got married. Needless to say, they got divorced. (small consolation...the father of the bride made his daughter pay for the wedding). So moral of the story, better to know before you get married then after. So "what's up with girls?"...?
    As for the "whats up with guys" question, both sexes do it, per my example above, which is lame but a fact of life, gotta choose wisely.


    Posted by norainnorainbows June 30, 09 10:39 AM
  1. Email her. CC him. She'll know it's legit when he starts acting oddly.

    Posted by dan June 30, 09 10:39 AM
  1. Meredith's advice is sound, but I have a different approach and view. There is no pretty way to handle this. It is an ugly situation all around. I probably would contact the bride, personally. Having worked with patients with HIV/AIDS and seen the destruction and devastation that one little cheat can cause a whole family, my concern would be for the bride's health if her groom has or will pick something up and pass it along to her.

    I would email the bride or send her a letter. I would tell her which night, which address, describe the interior of the apartment to verify that you had really been there, like a decoration on the wall or a weird ornament. That way if you are wrong, it will be all sorted out, and if you are right, she can’t argue that you’ve got the wrong guy. I would tell her that you didn’t sleep with him, but that if he propositioned you he may be propositioning others, and that if she does nothing else, she should really make sure to use condoms and spermicide to protect herself from anything he has or might contract.

    Sexual fidelity isn’t just a matter of morality anymore. HPV virus can cause cervical cancer and sometimes the need for a partial removal of one’s cervix, rendering them unable to carry a pregnancy. HIV/AIDS still shortens a person’s life even with the best drugs we have, and Hep C is a long, slow, painful death with medication that never really tames the painful symptoms. THAT is why I think you should contact the bride.

    Posted by merilisa June 30, 09 10:39 AM
  1. I think you should keep out of this. Not your battle and you have absolutely no idea on the background of those two. Cut all ties with the guy and move on, mind your own business.

    Posted by Mary Loise June 30, 09 10:40 AM
  1. wow...tough one....I have to be honest, six months before I got married...I had some questionable actions with a friend. I was completely freaked out, and I wasn't trying to be immoral. I loved my future wife and still do even more today. But, I was weakened and was dumb. I think It was a freedom thing more than anything else. The funny thing is I still have plenty of freedom now and I choose to not use it and stay home. I have no excuse or explaination, just bad choices that I have to move on from. this is a tough call because you know nothing of the situation or either of the two involved. It may not be as cut and dry as you think..or it could be that cut and dry...

    Posted by BOSS-Beacon June 30, 09 10:40 AM
  1. Walk away. Sounds callous, but here's what will happen if you try to get involved: If you tell her, she likely won't believe you and will instead conclude that you're after her man. She may try to retaliate. It could get ugly -- vandalism to your car, harassing phone calls, restraining orders. If you tell him, he may get nervous and either try to trash your reputation to anyone you know, and/or cover his bases with her by telling her awful things about how you're a Fatal Attraction bunny boiler type. Depending on how much he says it could also get very ugly.
    Hold your head up and walk away. Don't look back. It's her life lesson to learn.

    Posted by Seen too much June 30, 09 10:40 AM
  1. Meredith's comments in this article remind me of when I was watching the Today Show after the whole Governor Sanford thing and the topic of the day was "Why do men cheat?" It said these words right on the bottom of the screen while the people on the show were discussing why men cheat. I was waiting for Part 2 of the segment in which they discussed "Why do women cheat?"...but of course that segment never came.

    The fiance isnt going to believe you anyways, I agree with Meredith on that. People deserve the people they end up with most of the time.

    Posted by Matt June 30, 09 10:41 AM
  1. Mere, I think you should edit the letters. "...one of the guy's homes..."? "She is marring a man..." ? "...her fiancée’s recent activities"?

    Okay, that's not the point. I think your advice is perfect. LW doesn't ruin the wedding for the bride (because that kind of information just would), and she clues the philanderer in that he'd better watch out. Not that I necessarily believe this, but he might plan on being a completely faithful husband after he takes the vows.

    Posted by Jen-X June 30, 09 10:41 AM
  1. If you tell the bride, chances are she won't believe you, like M Gold said. I'd just let this one go, it really doesn't concern you. You are probably just one of a number of women he has tried to bed down outside of his relationship with the bride to be. You didn't do anything so your conscious is clear. Bringing this up will only add drama to your life, seriously, what's the best thing that can happen from you telling the bride?

    Posted by pbr June 30, 09 10:41 AM
  1. It would be one thing if you knew the Bride but you don't know either of these people. Butt out.
    It's entirely possible that these 2 could have a long + happy marriage.

    Posted by sean June 30, 09 10:41 AM
  1. Not to put a morbid point on this topic, but-- if he had contracted HIV from his affairs, would we even be having this discussion? Of course the bride needs to know what he's doing, because someday he might.

    I like Poster No. 5's idea, of emailing him to ask what's going on, and then forward the whole original email and his response to the bride. Just put, 'If it were me, I'd want to know about this. Good luck' at the top, and then never investigate or ponder the matter further. It's their business, not yours.

    Posted by Joey June 30, 09 10:42 AM
  1. I'd stay out of it. I can't think of any good that could come out of telling the bride what you know.

    On the other hand, I love the idea of e-mailing him with something short and discreet. The knowledge that someone out there has put two and two together may accelerate the process of turning him into a better man.

    Posted by Mike June 30, 09 10:43 AM
  1. Jeff, you are right on the money. Your idea is the best of the bunch!

    Posted by Veronica June 30, 09 10:44 AM
  1. The most important thing here is that you don't feel comfortable doing nothing. And to me, that speaks pretty highly of you as a person.

    I do think, unfortunately, that the fiancee might not believe you if you were to email her. I think that emailing the guy is really the best option you have. I wouldn't be ridiculously confrontational; that will just lead to him getting defensive and ignoring you. But I would certainly let him know how you feel about being lied to, and that you're concerned for his fiancee, who obviously trusts him.

    And if he emails you back and is all obnoxious? Forward the convo to the fiancee. This guy needs to learn that his actions have consequences.

    Posted by sabend June 30, 09 10:44 AM
  1. With all due respect, Meredith’s advice is off-target. In addition, I expect you’ll receive a barrage of man bashing comments that you are so badly seeking. Your closing question “what is up with guys?” pretty much gives that away as your ulterior motive.

    My advice: Mind your own business!

    Frankly, your wannabe detective act is uncalled for. Who are you to snoop around? Peeking at a wedding invite, asking him about it, memorizing the website, checking out the pictures, getting the bride-to-be’s email address, etc.? What are you trying to accomplish? What is your motivation? I know you are so desperately trying to portray this as a “good deed” to save the bride-to-be, but obviously, you have other motivations.

    It sure sounds like you have a low opinion of men and high opinion of yourself that you are trying to justify it with this letter. Gosh, we’re soo impressed that he asked for your number twice and asked you for sex! Wow! Blah...blah...blah....men are pigs. Give me a break. This was one night with ONE GUY.

    I'd also advise you to take your “tease and then snoop” road show to another location and leave this alone.

    p.s. Check your own backyard before you go snooping around your neighbor’s.

    That’s all the time we’ve got for today.

    - Hoss

    Posted by Hoss June 30, 09 10:44 AM
  1. Sorry you were duped. I'm even sorrier for the woman who might marry this self-centered, deceitful bastard. No, not all men do this. Some of us have actually been dealt the same cards by the bride-to-be. I would definitely contact him and summarily put the fear of God in him, if that’s possible. He might come to his senses and either realize he made a grave mistake by pursuing you (I’m sure you’re lovely) or he may decide to back out of his pending nuptials, crush his fiancée, but allow her to dodge what sounds like an even more painful bullet.

    Posted by Been there, it stinks. June 30, 09 10:45 AM
  1. I agree with Jeff - she'll be much more likely to believe you if you attach an email from him asking you to keep quiet about it.

    My question is, what about the friends? Assuming they were his, why were they encouraging (or at least not trying to stop) his attempts at cheating?

    Posted by HuskyAlum June 30, 09 10:45 AM
  1. ooohhh Jeff, that is deliciously evil.

    If I found myself in this position, I would probably do nothing and just never contact the man again. I am not saying it is the right thing to do, I just hate getting mixed up in other people's lives/business.

    However, this is marriage. Not just a relationship. This woman probably trusts her finance with everything and I agree she will be reluctant to believe you. Jeff's idea is very smart. He will have a hard time explaining an email to you. The real question is: How involved do you want to get? If this woman demands proof, do you have it? Are you willing to help her catch him cheating? These are things she may ask of you. Also, prepare yourself for backlash from the man. I am not saying he is justified, but things could get very ugly.


    Posted by noneyabusiness June 30, 09 10:45 AM
  1. You should tell her. She may or may not believe you but you should try. You may just spare this woman years of misery. Do you think she wants to have kids with a man who cheats?

    Send an email. Give as much detail as possilbe. Give the date, time and location of your meeting -chances are he lied about what he was doing. Describe his apartment in detail. Give her your name, email and phone number and invite her to call you with any questions she has.

    Posted by mickpc June 30, 09 10:46 AM
  1. I don't know if I would advise AnswerThis to contact the groom. You have no idea how stable he is. He's already proven himself to be a liar and a cheat. What if he is violent? That's an episode of CSI in the making.

    As for telling the bride, I say let the buyer beware. Sucks to be her.

    I'm sure we'll see the usual suspects writing in about how "men aren't built to be monogamous" and "you can't fight the natural impulse to spread your seed ", etc., etc. My response to that is: if you can't control your impulses and your own body - you need professional help.

    Posted by bostowyo June 30, 09 10:47 AM
  1. Email him and the fiancee asking about when you are all getting together for the threesome he suggested you have. Coordinate with the future bride on outfits and what you are having for dinner.

    Posted by yes he's a scumbag June 30, 09 10:47 AM
  1. Wow, I rather agree with Jeff's thought on how to deal with this guy. The bride-to-be deserves to know what kind of "gentleman" she is marrying. And I do agree that just emailing her may elicit a well-crafted lie from him explaining the situation as a case of catty woman seeking to steal another woman's dude. Good luck.

    Posted by fairlee76 June 30, 09 10:48 AM
  1. Terrible as the situation is, I don't think you should tell the fiancee. Its not your responsibility or burden...and she probably wouldn't believe you anyway. The most it would do would be to cast a shadow over the wedding, which will probably still go on no matter what you do. If you feel like you need to get involved, you should contact him - but just tell him that you know and you disapprove. If you threaten to tell his fiancee he'll just make up something to tell her before you get a chance, so she won't believe anything you say. Hopefully this guy will stop doing these things once he's married, but it is not your fault and you shouldn't feel like you have to fix the situation.

    Posted by Chrissie June 30, 09 10:48 AM
  1. You went home with him one night and didn't even have sex. This is so not your business. Leave them alone.

    Posted by Sabs June 30, 09 10:48 AM
  1. What's up with GUYS?
    How about what's up with guys AND girls? Cheating is not exclusive to one sex.
    Fun flirting and attraction? Really? With guys you obviously don't really know? Overnight? May I ask if you are single?

    To answer your question, I have to go along with Mere here. E-mail HIM and let him know that what he did was rotten and that he is lucky you don't contact her.
    Hopefully, the bride to be is smart enough to figure out on her own if he continues this behaviour.
    However - and this is big - if you happen to see this guy again and the same type of thing happens, well...then 2 strikes and you're out.

    DrK

    Posted by DrK June 30, 09 10:49 AM
  1. Riiiiight... let's just go ahead and judge all guys based on this one zero. Look, in the past 3 years one of my friends married a woman and got divorced in less than a year because he soon found out that not only was she a coke head, but she had cheated on him several times during their short marriage. I JUST found out last night that another friend is getting a divorce because his wife of less than TWO years started an affair while on a business trip and racked up 10K in secret credit card debt going to visit the guy.

    Not saying guys are perfect, but I've run into some real gems of women recently. Yikes.

    Posted by Joe June 30, 09 10:51 AM
  1. I think you should mind your own business. You don't know him sans one night and you don't know her at all. Don't play god, let karma take is course.

    If they were both friends that would be different but you have no right to get involved. Now if he starts contacting you you need to be firm in your words and tell him you know his MO and tell him to stop calling!

    Posted by Patrick June 30, 09 10:51 AM
  1. I had a similar situation a few years back. An old "flame" started emailing me, suggesting we get together and have some fun like we used to...I soon found out that he had a fiance, and that they were set to marry very shortly. I told him exactly how I felt about his inappropriate messages, and that I had no desire in meeting up with him. His messages continued however, so I took matters into my own hands and contacted his fiance (via a Facebook message). I got a very nice written apology from him two days later. They're married now, but I'm assuming she gave him a piece of her mind after my message...which he absolutely deserved. Personally, I believe scum like him deserve being "thrown under the bus".

    You're probably not the first girl he has hit on!

    Posted by SimilarSituation June 30, 09 10:52 AM
  1. Hold on a second! Not only was engaged guy #1 messing around, but the invite to the rehearsal dinner was in the kitchen of guy #2?! Am I reading that right? So the friend was complicit in groom-to-be's attempted dalliances? That's really kind of odd...
    But, the bottom line is NOTHING happened. Tell the guy off if that makes you feel better, but don't do a thing more. You think the fiancee does not know what kind of guy her groom-to-be is? Of course, she knows.
    She's just like you, no doubt - staying up all night flirting and teasing some guy you just met...feels nice, huh? Sort of an ego trip? Yeah, move along.

    Posted by Bob June 30, 09 10:52 AM
  1. You should mind your business. You even said there was no sex so what exactly did he do wrong? Maybe you forgot to include that you didnt get any and feel rejected, which is why you want to get back at this guy. Girls dont go home with guys after a night of drinking for laughs and coffee in the morning. They go home with them with one thing on their mind. You should send an email to yourself asking why you go to randam guys houses after a night of drinking.

    Posted by Bud June 30, 09 10:53 AM
  1. Do not, DO NOT, contact this poor woman. Why would you insert yourself into a situation where you do not know the parties involved? Be grateful you weren't this guy's last drunken fling before the nuptials or even his regularly scheduled one-night stand, but other than that, stay away. The bride will not thank you for inflicting massive pain, confusion, and possibly ruining her wedding. The groom may make it his mission to seek revenge. Nothing good can come from getting involved in this.

    Posted by Kates Nonna June 30, 09 10:56 AM
  1. It's not all guys that do this. It's kind of an unfair sample size since the ones that do cheat on their significant others are the ones you meet at the clubs and the ones that aren't are spending time with their significant others. I'm sure some women do this as well. Anyways, if you do send an email to this woman, then you ought to give proof like what his bedroom looks like and stuff like that. I'm not sure whether or not it's your place to alert her of his sleaziness, but if you are already thinking about it, you might want to do it so that you have a clear conscience. At least you can say you tried.

    Posted by dtam June 30, 09 10:56 AM
  1. OH MY! Something VERY eerily similar happened to one of my girlfriends in college. We met a bunch of guys out one night. They all seemed so fun and up for a good time. My friend lets call her Jane took a liking to guy named Dick. We all went back to Dick's house for a little after party and Dick and Jane hooked up. Although not her proudest moment, it was Dick's bachelor party (!!?!) Dick and Jane exchanged numbers and when she called him he hung up on her. One of his friends ended up spilling the beans to us months later.

    My advice to you AnswerThis, is just forget you even met this low-life loser. It does make for a good story! Just leave it at that.


    Posted by trueluv4eva June 30, 09 10:56 AM
  1. First of all, I think you handled this situation with tact. Excellent work on getting to the bottom of this deceptive guy’s behavior. He is being TOTALLY unfair to his fiancée. This guy sounds like a dog. I am sorry he duped you and you are a good person to want to help the other woman he is lying to.

    Per usual, I agree with Meredith – email or reach out to him, not her. That way you can give him a second chance to think about what he has done. You will have fulfilled your moral responsibility and eventually, karma will run its course.

    Although your intentions are in the right place, this girl probably won’t appreciate your contact and/or believe you. After all, you ARE a random stranger to her and it might seem like you are jealous or trying to break up what she must believe is a happy relationship.

    It sounds like this guy is a great liar, and its probably not the first time he has done something horrible behind his fiancée’s back. Even if you do nothing, she will probably figure it out eventually. Its not your responsibility to point out that the man she is choosing to marry isn’t an ideal partner. That is for her to decide and find out on her own.

    Posted by Tricia June 30, 09 10:56 AM
  1. It's none of your business. You hooked up with some dude who misrepresented himself trying to score a one night stand. Whether he is married, engaged or single, your only concern is how he treats you. Complicating your own life by interjecting into someone else's life, someone you do not even know, is asking for trouble and ultimately a useless folly. Maybe next time get to know someone before you get intimate enough to care about things like this...

    Posted by darwin June 30, 09 10:57 AM
  1. Stay out of it. He could be a nut-job and you could end up involved in something you don't want to be. Don't make threats as others have suggested. If he gets desperate, it could get ugly.

    Posted by Tom June 30, 09 10:58 AM
  1. Rico hates cheaters and has some opinions to share:

    Rico thinks you should email him but you may want to BCC his fiance' and the email her back the response. If you have pictures from that night of the group or specifically you and he together then email that as well and maybe fuzz out your face just in case. Bottom line is this. Rico knows it is wrong for these two to marry but regardless if you rat him out or not they still may go through with it anyhow. Rico thinks the best approach is to spill the dirt and let her make the decision. If she is too blind to see the truth then it will be her problem later to deal with.

    Rico has another opinion on all guys doing this. First of all it is not all guys, it is both men and women that do this. Rico knows personally of women and men that have cheated and continue to do so. To lump them together as all guys is incorrect. Just read the fellow comments from previous days and Rico assumes many that will post today that the cheats are everywhere and not one gender.

    Why was this guy out with you all in the first place and where was the girlfriend? Did you and your friends know him and his friends before you met out that night or was this a random meeting of new friends? How old?

    Be careful and Rico will check back later with further comments.

    Thank you and have a wonderful day.

    Love always,

    Rico

    Gears not Gas...great day for a ride!!!

    Posted by Rico June 30, 09 10:58 AM
  1. I like Jeff's suggestion. Contact him and get him to incriminate himself. He is likely to not respond to you, but at least you tried.

    Posted by Mike June 30, 09 10:58 AM
  1. Whoa!!! What a jerk. It's a tough call but I think I would want to know now and save me the heartache down the road.
    I'm sure if you did email the fiance and give her the details of the friend's house and the invite and how you obtained the website info and her email address she will probably realize this isn't a joke. Then it's up to her what to do with the info. You mentioned there was no sex but I'm sure there was some kissing and fooling around which I'm sure he'll explain away to his fiance as nothing and have her convinced that he wasn't cheating....That's what these type of jerks do...Total player!!

    Posted by bgcomreader June 30, 09 10:59 AM
  1. Don't bother talking to him about it! He's either going to deny it or some how make you look stupid. I would send her a link to this Love Letter and apologize for not knowing...it wasn't your fault, but she should know the type of person she's going to spend the rest of her life with. As gk08 said, what she does what that information is up to her, but at least you know you did all you could.

    Posted by xo June 30, 09 11:00 AM
  1. By the way Meredith, this is the kind of Love Letter I LOVE. A little relationship drama (that needs good advice) is the highlight of my workday. Excellent choice today. Please keep up the good work :)

    Posted by Tricia June 30, 09 11:01 AM
  1. I agree with some of the posters here. I think you should create a new email address and email him about the other night, putting details into the email about what he said, what happened, etc. After a few back and forth emails, send him a link to his wedding website, let him know that you know he's getting married, and tell him you'll be forwarding your email chain to his fiance.

    That will give him a good scare, and maybe he'll confess something to her. But don't send the email. Giving him a good scare might just be enough, and you won't be responsible for the demise of a marriage and last minute cancellation of a (likely) expensive wedding.

    As far as your question about guys -- I think although some guys are experts at being deceptive, a lot of guys are pretty straightforward about what their deal is. I think sometimes the problem is that women only see and hear what they want to believe, even when the truth is staring them right in the face. I think it would be a good idea to be more skeptical, and don't make it too easy for a guy to get in your pants. Make him work for it (many dates), and that's when you'll know you have a winner.

    Posted by SassySarah June 30, 09 11:02 AM
  1. #5 got it right! Or better yet, BCC her on the original email you send, and then forward her a copy of the reply! Then it won't be a matter of her not believing you because she doesn't know you, she will just know what a scumbag her fiancee is!

    Posted by Noz June 30, 09 11:02 AM
  1. Jeff, how delightfully devilish you are. And right on. She will find every reason not to believe some stranger that emails her telling her that the love of her life is a scumbag. If she has proof in his reply to you right before her eyes, that's pretty hard to ignore. I think she needs to know. I know I would want to.

    Posted by lo1980 June 30, 09 11:03 AM
  1. I definitely wouldn't tell the fiance, this guy will talk his way out of it. I agree with Meredith that you should say something directly to the guy. I wouldn't however threaten that you will tell the finace because it's very likely that he'll cover his as by again talking his way out of it. He'll tell his fiance some crazy story about how he and his friend met you girls at a bar and went back to the friends house and when he rebuffed your advances you decided to get even by threatening to track down his fiance. This way he's already come clean and covered his butt should you actually confront her.

    Posted by cc June 30, 09 11:03 AM
  1. This is a tough situation you got yourself in - however, I think you shoudl tell her, I mean if it were you, wouldn't you want to know. It is unfortunate that some men can not be faithful to their commitments, I don't understand that. I feel like more and more people today are just selfish and lack integrity - it is unfortunate. While his fiancee should know his character at this point, perhaps she is deluding herself though and if that is the case then she will likely not even listen to what you have to say. I still think if it were me and I were about to marry a deceptive person, I would want someone to tell me, even if I didn't listen to them right away I would be able look back and think, someone did try to warn me, I just chose not to listen.

    Posted by JW June 30, 09 11:04 AM
  1. I agree with #3. If it were me, as devastating as I know it would be, I'd really want to know.

    It will be much worse when she learns of this later on when his attraction distraction continues. I'm sure you weren't his first & only distraction, but maybe you are the one who will put a stop to his wayward ways against this woman. You'll probably feel worse if you don't say anything and live with the knowledge that someone is unknowingly living a lie. Nothing worse than being faithful and trusting in a relationship and finding that you've been betrayed in this way.


    Posted by marj June 30, 09 11:04 AM
  1. What is the point of telling the bride? Who is to say this isn't a case of the guy getting a little before he is married, in the same sense of cheating on the bachelor party evening. Why tell her - just to ruin her life?

    Not advocating this is OK, but I see this a bigger deal for the girl, who was being tricked into a one night stand by a cad that is taken.

    Posted by Big helmet June 30, 09 11:05 AM
  1. I like the send her an e-mail thing. She wont believe you because girls are always in denial that their guy would do that and they are afraid of starting over alone but why not. If you've been dating someone through a good portion of you or their twenties then someone has cheated on someone. That's just the way it is. Sorry folks. Denial is not a river in Egypt

    Posted by Beantown13 June 30, 09 11:05 AM
  1. Sorry, but you're pretty invasive and sleeping there the first night? But made a point of saying "NO SEX", but you're all taking note of the web address on the invite. Get over yourself...

    Posted by josh June 30, 09 11:05 AM
  1. I'd stay out of it entirely...I know we all want to help someone else out, but when it comes to this stuff, there are underlying dangers that are out there that make getting involved a terrible idea. Sometimes the idea of being a "nice" person trumps common sense. You don't really know either of these people, it really would not be your place to get involved, as emailing or contacting her would be useless, and might cause some blowback if she takes it as you "being with her man" and he's obviously a scumbag capable of anything...Look out for yourself on this one and stand clear

    Posted by joe bob June 30, 09 11:06 AM
  1. Yesterday I disagreed with Meredith... today I TOTALLY agree. Definitely write to him and let him know he's a loser. Perhaps it will scare him into changing his behavior - more than likely, though, you're not the first person he's tried this with and probably won't be the last. You don't know the bride and she may even think you really do want him and are just trying to break them up. Plus she probably knows - even if you can't put a finger on it, you know when something isn't right - guarantee she's not completely in the dark about his activities, but probably doesn't want to face it.

    Posted by bumbly-bee June 30, 09 11:06 AM
  1. I am a guy and I slept with a girl that was living with/owned a home with a guy and they are now married I think. I was with her for 9 months back in 1994/1995, I was single, she was the cheater.

    I was with a married woman that has 2 children with her husband, a house, etc...and yes I was still single and under the opinion that they were split/seperated but learned they weren't after a short time. She is still cheating, cheated before she was with me and will probably cheat for a lot longer.

    I know a guy that cheated on his wife and is taking a break from cheating but probably will cheat again if he has a chance. I know another guy that cheated on his wife with a friend of mine and she sent photo's to his wife AT CHRISTMAS of him cheating on her.

    I have been out in the bars/clubs and seen women on girls nights out cheat and seen men do the same. I have met more than my fair share of married/involved women that are cheating or have cheated so to say it is just guys is crazy and shortsighted.

    Send the information to the guys fiance and let her decide for herself. Don't hold that info, I probably should have spoken up about the girls I was with to their husbands/boyfriends but I was too nice and let it go. Do the right thing and let her know so we don't get a letter on here from her in a few months about her new husband of 3 months cheating and what she should do.

    Posted by Joey from the hood June 30, 09 11:09 AM
  1. The man is a turd. But you really don't know what he is capable of. If you frick with his life... he may hunt you down and frick with yours. Proceed with caution.

    Posted by john June 30, 09 11:09 AM
  1. Guy writing here. Yes of course tell her. Let her process the information however she will, but she should know this happened. Maybe she's okay with it, maybe not, but why play games? Just let her know.

    Posted by beehh June 30, 09 11:10 AM
  1. I like the idea of emailing him, getting his response and then forwarding it to the bride....

    Posted by voiceofreason June 30, 09 11:10 AM
  1. Do not get involved! I was in a similar situation but I knew the guy beforehand. When I found out that he had not in fact broken up with his live-in girlfriend like he told me, I sent her an email letting her know what happened. It didn't go over too well with either of them. The result was he enacted some revenge tactics and I had to do some serious damage control. Moral of the story: Don't bother because it's definitely not worth it. It's probably a deep and complex situation that you don't even know the half of. Forget about it and move on.

    Posted by Nona June 30, 09 11:11 AM
  1. i would NOT interfere with two people's lives of whom you barely know - please do not email the bride. if he really is this sketchy, she probably has some knowledge of his behaviors, but refuses to see it.

    i would agree with meredith - email him. it will give him a scare that his actions do have consequences.

    Posted by milk2splenda June 30, 09 11:12 AM
  1. Real men, and real women, do this all the time. In fact, he and the fiancee may have an arrangement. You don't know. You don't know because it is not your business.

    Your business is with him. Talk to him if you are going to talk to anyone.

    Posted by stanley June 30, 09 11:13 AM
  1. Sportsclub/LA has a a bunch of women members cheating on husbands (one from Gloucester?). How many guys did she cheat with? There are plenty of cheats both girls and guys. I'm married too and cheat on my wife with some of the women I met at that club.

    Posted by Robbie June 30, 09 11:13 AM
  1. Oh, wait until Rico reads this one LOL!

    I would e-mail her and tell her the complete story in detail with real names, times & date. And say that nothing happened, but it could have and probably would have if the LW had not seen the invite. Apparently, he's a charmer if nothing else! OR e-mail him, make him squirm and forward everything to the bride to be. Messy!

    Posted by JohnB June 30, 09 11:13 AM
  1. You need to trap him. As you know, everyone is innocent until proven guilty. If you're going to be the third party, the P.I., you'll need some hard evidence to present your case to the fiancee' Since you didn't do anything yet, you're options are open. He wants to talk to you and get to know you more. Set up a new email address and reply to him saying you had a good time that night, flirt with him again via email get his phone number, get him to talk more through email. Leave a trail of breadcrumbs. Once you have enough evidence beyond your reasonable doubt, forward this along to the fiancee. That should raise questions.

    Posted by crashthewedding June 30, 09 11:13 AM
  1. Paco is sorry to hear that this "really nice" guy is not nice at all. There are many words Paco has to describe cheaters; "nice" is not one of them. Paco agrees with the sentiments previously posted. The bride-to-be deserves to know, although she deserves to hear it from her fiance (who will likely never tell her; if integrity was one of his attributes, he wouldn't have been trying to cheat to begin with). Paco likes the idea of warning him that you'll tell his fiance, and then giving him a week to man-up and actually do so. Paco feels bad that you were duped by this loser, but worse for his prospective wife.

    As for the "what's up with guys" question, Paco is a bit taken aback. Save for talking about himself in the third person as an homage to Rico, Paco is a stand-up guy, and Paco thinks it's unfair to judge all men by the behavior of a few jerks. Paco has seen women do some really bad things, but he does not hold that against all women (unlike some misogynists). There are good and people of both sexes, and of all colors, religious beliefs and sexual orientations. All men do not do this. So says the Paco!

    Good luck, AnswerThis,

    Paco

    Posted by Paco June 30, 09 11:14 AM
  1. Pick me pick me pick me (for #10,000).

    Love, Alvin

    Posted by Alvin June 30, 09 11:14 AM
  1. The scariest part of this is the comments from laurahere - "I'd suggest finding out where she works or hangs out and go strike up a convo with her" WTF? Sounds like another crazy, bitter woman with way too much time on her hands. You do understand that could be classified as stalking... right?!!?

    Posted by Tony June 30, 09 11:15 AM
  1. My advice is to let it go. You do not have any history with this guy, you just met him. It's not your responsiblity to tell anyone (him or his fiance). Also, you do not know if this is a pattern with him, ie. does he cheat all the time? Or was this just a last fling he was hoping for? Just be thankful you found out before taking the next step with him.
    As for men in general, no, they are not all like this.

    Posted by Southie Girl June 30, 09 11:15 AM
  1. Stay out of it. It's truly not your business. Even if you send something "anonymously" it will come back to you. Move on. Be glad you didn't sleep with him. You snooped on the wedding website so on some level you knew he wasn't as great as he seemed after one night and many drinks out. He's simply a good looking guy you met in a bar. Don't get involved.

    Posted by Tricia June 30, 09 11:15 AM
  1. I read these every morning, and once in a while I respond, but usually I can't simply because I am astounded at others' responses! Such as this one. I cannot believe the suggestions here. Meredith almost always hits it on the head by taking a moderate approach. She understands that we are all human and seems to come across as someone who has lived a little. I'm not so sure about everyone else here. Why should this woman do anything more than, AT MOST, email the groom-to-be? Why is it her business? And create phony email accounts? Bait him into compromising photographs? What? Are you kidding me? TRUST me, the best thing would be to ignore it. Leave this guy to screw up on his own. These things always have a way of working themselves out. Karma, or whatever. They really do. How is emailing the bride about this going to spare her heartache? It's not. It will only put you in the middle of a dysfunctional relationship. It's a sad situation. Don't get involved.

    Posted by peoplewholiveinglasshouses June 30, 09 11:16 AM
  1. WoW!!!!! this is so scary!!!!! what an idiot. What to do in such a disgusting situation? HMMM...I think I agree with Mer. Find out his email and let him know that you know about his wedding. Scare him a little : )

    Posted by ida June 30, 09 11:18 AM
  1. Of course you should contact her! Why do people watch car races? To see the southern fried bubbas crash and burn! I can’t think of having more fun than watching the doomed marriage of a predator implode before uttering the words “I do”. It’s as close to playing God as you’ll ever get. But you don’t have to get judgmental. You just need to somehow let her know that her husband to be is not all he should be (without letting him find out that it was you). She’ll believe what she wants to believe. ON THE OTHER HAND: Perhaps the “agreement” between the couple is that it’s permissible to get your ya-yas out before stepping on the glass. You never know. In that case; you’re a pawn in the sexual game of ‘kiss and tell’. Remember the scene in “Sideways” where Thomas Haden Church and the married waitress were caught in bed by her husband? When Paul Giamatti went back to retrieve Church’s wallet, he witnessed the couple having raucous sex while vociferously recounting her escapades with Church. Talk dirty to me. And that’s where the question/veiled statement “WHAT’S UP WITH GUYS” gets a little messy. I know you think women are victims and men are looters. I’m sure it started with hunters and gatherers, the clubbing of women and Ring Around the Collar. But cheating; in all phases of life, is an issue for both genders. Years ago, I used to get calls from exes wanting to hook up just before they were about to get married. At first I thought it was because they wanted great, exciting, no holds barred sex with someone before settling in for the rest of their lives. Then, I realized they wanted to remember what bad, loveless, meaningless and unfulfilling sex was like to satisfy their curiosity and stay true during their marriage. Of course I nixed them all because I’m my mother’s son. They call me Mr. Bombastic!

    Posted by valentino June 30, 09 11:19 AM
  1. Leave it alone and don't talk to him again. I was seeing someone for a while and found out he was married. google is a wonderful thing...found out his wife's name, contact informaiton, email and phone #. And when I thought about it....it just wasn't the right thing to do (contact her). I confronted him...of course he said he is getting divorced...which he isn't. Why wouldn't he we upfront about that in the first place???. It ended right then and here. I thought he was the perfect guy. Guess not. His wife seems intelligent so I am sure she will figure it out on her own and it won't come from a stranger that she just thinks wants her husband. So...he happy you didn't sleep with him and that you found out sooner than later...just froget him. He's a jerk.

    Posted by Beentheredonethat June 30, 09 11:20 AM
  1. You could put "bcc" to some good use by emailing him and his bride-to-be.

    Posted by The Dude June 30, 09 11:20 AM
  1. I think it's horribly sneaky to try to buddy up to his poor fiance to decide whether or not to tell her. It'll just make her feel all the more humiliated when she finds out that, not only is the guy she trusted a lying playboy, but her new 'friend' (you) knew before she did and has been deliberately holding it back. Even if you don't end up liking her, few women could possibly be bitchy enough to deserve an outcome like that to their engagement. It sounds like a bad romantic comedy.

    I agree with Meredith - e-mail him and lay on the guilt. If he has any brains and any decency left, he'll realize that you could contact his fiancee anytime you choose. Maybe that'll prod him into either coming clean with her or cleaning up his act, fast. If he replies and it seems like he's truly a scumbag and not just a basically nice guy who made a really stupid mistake, I might really think about contacting the bride directly.

    Posted by Liz June 30, 09 11:21 AM
  1. Move along. Nothing to see here folks.

    Their relationship is doomed. No need for you to play a role. It'll fall apart soon enough.

    Posted by Anti Ricco June 30, 09 11:22 AM
  1. I also endorse the e-mail entrapment idea. Give this guy the rope and let him hang himself. His fiancee, you, and every other woman out there deserve better.

    Posted by Alvin June 30, 09 11:24 AM
  1. Tough one...I would e-mail the bride-to-be and lay out, as dispassionately as possible, the facts of your encounter with her fiance, including his friends that were present. Try not to let your anger with his behavior taint your descriptions as this may make her think that you have ulterior motives such as trying to get "her man" which (I'm assuming) is the last thing on your mind.
    She deserves to know the truth but all you can do is give her the facts and let her come to her own conclusion. Who knows, she may already have an inkling that he's strayed in the past. Tell her, wouldn't you want to know?

    Posted by Allycat13 June 30, 09 11:24 AM
  1. Alright, I'm taking my early post back. Don't tell the guy or his fiancee, just move on with your life. She probably knows his cheating but ignores it anyway. If you let the guy know, he might freak out and try to hurt you or something. just ignore the whole thing. Please.


    luv

    Ida

    Posted by ida June 30, 09 11:26 AM
  1. I have told two friends before that their S.O. was cheating. Initially they are in denial- but in the end very very grateful. Email her. She deserves to know- whether she believes it now, or goes ahead marries this creep. He will do this again.

    Posted by renia June 30, 09 11:27 AM
  1. #82 takes life, and this silly forum, WAY too seriously!

    Posted by DudeGuyKidDudeGuy666 June 30, 09 11:27 AM
  1. As someone who married a man like this and found out after the fact, I would say tell her... I would much rather have had the information prior to getting married and made the decision then react after the fact... I always feel that prevention is much better than reaction... In this case, my guess is this is not or will not be a one time thing...

    Posted by Kate June 30, 09 11:29 AM
  1. Don't get involved. Count yourself lucky that you didn't hook up with him and just let it be. Making accusations and threats could land you in a dangerous situation if he feels desperate or cornered. What's the point in telling her???? I doubt that she would cancel her wedding because you said her fiance was propositioning you. Forget it and think twice about partying/hooking up with guys you don't know.

    Posted by 2kids1dog June 30, 09 11:29 AM
  1. Are you sure you didn't meet this guy during one of his bachelor parties? It sounds like he and his friends were having a good time, flirting, and doing all the things that men generally do for these parties... Of course they didn't hire a stripper or an escort -- why bother paying when they can easily get girls like you, for free.

    If you contact any of them, they will probably tell you it was his bachelor party. You are a fool. Lighten up.

    Posted by MS June 30, 09 11:30 AM
  1. I say stay out of it. I like Meredith's idea of emailing the guy before emailing the bride to-be, but you don't know this guy or this girl.

    Lying about the wedding invite seems bad, but who knows. Maybe they have an open relationship. Maybe they agreed they could each have one last hurrah before the nuptials. Maybe she cheats on him all the time and he's just looking for revenge. Maybe the next day he felt horrible and confessed it all to his fiance. Or maybe he is a dirty cheater and she has no idea.

    We don't know their story, so I would say just leave it alone. What good could possibly come out of it? If he tries to contact you, I would ignore him and move on.

    Posted by em June 30, 09 11:30 AM
  1. I can tell you what's up with guys: Testosterone.
    Having walked the path of male/female relationships for many moons, now, I have yet to meet a heterosexual man who can refrain from trying to seduce attractive young women. Hitting on as many as possible seems to be the aim, regardless of his status. This applies to old men, as well.

    The "thinking apparatus" appears to exist someplace other than in the brains of men. Can't tell you how many guys I have been sexually exclusive with- at their insistence- only to find out later that each one had hit on my sister, a close girlfriend, co-workers....the list is endless. One can only imagine that, when on the loose, men will hit on any female at all. It's what they do.

    I agree with Meredith. Send HIM a message, short and blunt, then back away from the inevitable mess he will make of his new marriage.

    Posted by Mari June 30, 09 11:30 AM
  1. I agree with most of the posts here. LEAVE IT ALONE....this is really none of your business and you are not the relationship police. Just because this guy has no moral compass it is not up to you to set it right. He will do this again....once a cheat ALWAYS a cheat. She should know the guy she is marrying....I am sure this won't be the last time he pulls this. If the commitment and respect is not enough to deter him how will a piece of metal on his finger??????

    Posted by Don't do it June 30, 09 11:31 AM
  1. Tell the bride, just in case she believes you. Too many people are raised to think "I don't need condoms, I just need to be a virgin on the wedding night," marry cheaters like this, have unprotected sex with their new spouses unaware of what else and who else the cheaters have done, and then wonder why they have AIDS. By giving her the wake-up call ahead of time, you could save her life.

    Posted by Leslie June 30, 09 11:31 AM
  1. I love it when you folks try to pull amateur detectives. "Yeah, let's set up a sting operation...blind copy her on the email....set up a dummy email account...tell him that you're going to tell his fiance...take pictures..."...etc., etc. All you meddling kids have been eating too many scooby snacks and tooling around in the Mystery Machine. To quote Hoss: wake up!

    LW, you don't know the bride. You know the guy from what, one night? From what you indicated, nothing happened (although I have little doubt that you hooked up and sanitized it in your letter to make yourself look like less of a easy get, but I digress). Move on with your life. Do nothing. The end.

    Posted by Bob Dwyer June 30, 09 11:31 AM
  1. I ABSOLUTELY agree with Jeff (post #5). This man is a pig and I do agree that real men dont do this!! She wants to know before she wastes her life on him!! (not to mention money on a wedding)

    GOOD LUCK!

    Posted by Robin June 30, 09 11:32 AM
  1. "Until then, what she doesn't know won't hurt her."

    That's not true. For example, not knowing that he got an STD from someone else while cheating on her can hurt her.

    Posted by Leslie June 30, 09 11:32 AM
  1. From one who is flawed and imperfect, I hope she writes the fiancee and I hope the marriage doesn't go forward until the man faces his own failings and weaknesses.

    Posted by nhguy June 30, 09 11:35 AM
  1. Rico wants to add this:

    Rico was thinking further and wants to add that he actually knows more women that cheat than men. Rico knows a guy that has been with multiple women that were cheating on husbands or boyfriends. Rico also knows of a girl that was married to his friend that was cheating on him and they are divorced now as well. Rico knows so many examples he is not going to list them all but he will just say this: There are just as many women cheating on guys as guys cheating on women. Men get a bad rap for cheating mostly due to Media and more men tend to be in the spotlight versus women. Think about the number of Congressmen/Senators and how many are men versus women. The men were caught cheating and end up on the news right? If congress was 95% women the odds are that a woman would have been in the news for cheating at some point. It is basic statistics. Rico is not being sexist here so don't take it taht way, he is only pointing out a fact of life that there are more men under the spotlight than women so being caught cheating and publicized is more common for a man than a woman. Think about the women in the news? We've seen plenty of famous young women that have been cheating.

    Rico suggests you contact this girl and let her know, email or otherwise SHE NEEDS TO KNOW.

    Love always,

    Rico

    Posted by Rico June 30, 09 11:36 AM
  1. You say you didn't have sex, and you didn't give him your number . So if nothing happened, and if you weren't planning on talking to or seeing him again anyway - why would you now feel the need to contact his fiancee?

    You didn't seem to want anything to do with him anyway, so don't have anything to do with him. And really, it's none of your business anyway.

    Posted by ang June 30, 09 11:41 AM
  1. I think you should email him and forward his response with a couple of pictures attached of him out potentially cheating so she knows it is legit and then walk away. Just make sure that there is limited contact info for you as you do not want people seeking revenge for a "good deed". She should know now before the wedding and make her own decision.

    Posted by Timm June 30, 09 11:41 AM
  1. I agree with Meredith. I also think that it's very possible that this guy is suffering from pre-wedding cold feet, and that he would not have gone through with it even if you were willing. I don't think it is unusual for engaged people to feel a bit of panic prior to a wedding. The bottom line is that he did not cheat on his fiance, he played with cheating, and used you for an evening of what turned out to be harmless flirting. I'd email him, and suggest that he think about whether he really wants to get married or not. I don't necessarily agree that this incident makes him a scumbag, but he should think about whether he really wants to get married to his fiance

    Posted by sadiecat June 30, 09 11:41 AM
  1. "Are you sure you didn't meet this guy during one of his bachelor parties? It sounds like he and his friends were having a good time, flirting, and doing all the things that men generally do for these parties... Of course they didn't hire a stripper or an escort -- why bother paying when they can easily get girls like you, for free.

    "If you contact any of them, they will probably tell you it was his bachelor party. You are a fool. Lighten up."

    Cheating on your fiancée or fiancé during your bachelor or bachelorette party is still cheating.

    Foe example, if a guy has unprotected sex with an HIV+ one-night stand during his bachelor party, the virus doesn't know or care that it's his bachelor party. He can still get infected while cheating on his fiancée, then he can still infect her after the marriage while they're trying to conceive, then she can still infect the baby. You really think the in-laws at the baby's funeral are going to buy "I was just doing the things that men generally do for these parties"?

    Posted by Leslie June 30, 09 11:42 AM
  1. The letter writer asks "What is up with guys?" She obviously is very young. Young and stupid. She makes a habit of going over a strangers house in the middle of the night because she met him in a bar (odds on favorite, The Bell in Hand) with friends. If you came over my house at 3am, I'd try to do you too, my dear. What message are you sending after 3am at his place? At my place, if you didn't put out within 10 minutes of arrival, you and your friends would be outside hailing a cab in the rain. Don't play us that you're a paragon of virtue. You are pissed off at men so much that you want to stick up for the "sisterhood" and bust his attempted cheat attempt. Don't contact him or his fiancee' in this matter. Their issues are none of your business. Your job is to forget about them and move on to the next bar with $1.50 drafts. Let me clue you in, my Bud Light swilling sweetie, most guys that you'll be in a relationship with are going to be doing other chicks on the side. Thats the way it is, thats the way its always going to be. Read the papers.

    Now, let's not let the idiot men off the hook here either. Hey guys....enough with the relationships if you want more than one woman. Stay single, don't commit to anyone or anything if you want to be doing more than one woman at a time. Work smart, enjoy your money, date early, late and often....variety is the spice of life. You should be on a record setting quest to do as many different woman as possible until you want just "the one", if ever. If you want to commit, that does not allow you to hurt the one you supposedly love. Straighten up....all of you!

    Posted by leykis101 June 30, 09 11:42 AM
  1. I don't understand how people can do this. A friend of mine just went away on vacation with the man she's been seeing on/off for a couple years. They got back and a couple weeks later he told her he's getting married next month. If I was the fiance I'd want to know what a slimeball I was marrying!

    Posted by Kendra June 30, 09 11:44 AM
  1. I'm somewhat surprised by the responses saying mind your own business b/c he sorta made it her business. Also, the easy thing to do is stay quiet; the moral and responsible thing is to tell her and let her decide what to do. Last, maybe if we looked out for each other a little more, there would be less STDs, less cheaters...

    Posted by alipie June 30, 09 11:44 AM
  1. Do NOT contact him! (Sorry, Meredith.) He could accuse you of blackmail in a court of law. Or stalking. Or any other handful of legal options available to him.

    Tell the bride, let her process the information. Tell her everything about the evening, including a description of the room and who was around. Then, it's her choice to marry, or not.

    MS (#96) "Girls like you" ? Wot? Victorian much?

    Posted by reindeergirl June 30, 09 11:44 AM
  1. My situation is a little different, but I want to address the one similarity, getting an email from a stranger with life-changing news. A few months ago, I received an email from someone I didn't know, informing me that my husband of nearly 22 years had been having an affair with his wife for the past two years, and that they were even currently on vacation together (he had said he was traveling for business, and I didn't know I had reason not to believe that!!). As shocking as it was that this guy figured out who I was and got hold of my email address to tell me about this, the bottom line is I was very, very grateful to him for having the courage to send it. For all of the reasons in all of these posts, I think it's a very good idea to give this bride, a potentially injured party, the upper had in handling her relationship with this man. As for those who say it's not her business to let the bride know, I disagree. He made it her business by his actions on that night.

    Posted by Micah June 30, 09 11:44 AM
  1. Okay, whatever about the bride. Totally superfluous. Who cares? I don’t. What really got me was the last question. Totally b****y. Really passive-aggressive. It’s unrealistic to think this letter writer actually wants an answer.

    But since you asked. What’s up with guys? Well, like girls, they want a few things in life not easily come by: Love, regular sex and space. They will do almost anything for two of these. The third is just icing on the wedding cake.

    Posted by Sally June 30, 09 11:45 AM
  1. The problem is you've stumbled upon a life that this man has been able to live in secret. First off, and I'm sure you already know this, your not the only girl he's probably partying with. Secondly, I suggest you not email anyone because that's just gonna get you involved in a dramatic situation that may get way too personal and who needs that. SO, back away, hope he stops, and go get tested. Congrats!

    Posted by ProteinshakesandPlums June 30, 09 11:45 AM
  1. I think the only question here, is whether to "Nuke" their relationship BEFORE or AFTER the wedding. I mean which would be more fun to watch? Both definitely have their merit; but much like a violent car racing crash, they are great fun for everyone!

    Posted by DudeGuyKidDudeGuy666 June 30, 09 11:46 AM
  1. I second Merilisa's well-written comment (#18) re: HIV/AIDS and other STDs - thank you for bringing light to this fundamental health and safety issue. Drama and feelings aside, the bride-to-be deserves to know of the potential breach of implicit trust she has put into her fiance with respect to her health.

    Posted by ImASafetyGal June 30, 09 11:47 AM
  1. You say you didn't have sex - what exactly did you do? Are you leaving something out? Because basically your email makes it sound like you just hung out and flirted all night, in a group of people. You say he wanted sex and your phone number, but make it sound like you didn't give him either, so really, what is the big deal?

    Posted by Lis June 30, 09 11:47 AM
  1. as a bride to be... i would ABSOLUTELY want to know. you would be doing her a HUGE service to inform her of whats going on. you could warn him that you are going to tell her so he has a chance first but i think you ABSOLUTELY should tell her

    Posted by herecomesthebride June 30, 09 11:47 AM
  1. You say you didn't have sex - what exactly did you do? Are you leaving something out? Because basically your email makes it sound like you just hung out and flirted all night, in a group of people. You say he wanted sex and your phone number, but make it sound like you didn't give him either, so really, what is the big deal?

    Posted by Lis June 30, 09 11:47 AM
  1. "I also endorse the e-mail entrapment idea. Give this guy the rope and let him hang himself. His fiancee, you, and every other woman out there deserve better."

    ...and every other man out there deserves better too! (for all we know, he's bi)

    Cheating sucks and can be deadly, no matter if the cheater is male or female and no matter if the cheated-on is male or female.

    "What good could possibly come out of it?"

    She could better protect herself from STDs if she knows her partner is a cheater instead of thinking he's monogamous, and she could better avoid infecting any children she gives birth to in the future with STDs if she doesn't think she's safer than she actually is. That's the good that could possibly come out of it.

    Posted by Leslie June 30, 09 11:48 AM
  1. I agree with peoplewholiveinglasshouses. It is TOTALLY not your business. Why do you care? You just met the guy and don't know him or his bride. You know nothing about their relationship. Big deal- he asked for your number twice, you sat around, had coffee and fun conversation and he wanted to sleep with you! Not to sound harsh, but just because he asked for your number twice doesn't mean that he had any intention of calling you. He wants to marry this woman and she wants to marry him- let it go. Why do you feel compelled to mess around with their lives?! The bride won't believe you, so your compulsion to "do the right thing" will ruin her wedding day if nothing else. Your tendency to over-analyze one night with a stranger (and to go the extra step of writing to Meredith for advice) makes me think that you have other issues. Don't be a stalker!!! And of course both men and women cheat! It's a lousy thing to do, but it's not always the guy...

    Posted by BostonGirl June 30, 09 11:50 AM
  1. Maybe you should tell her. If every cheater could be exposed, maybe it wouldn't be such a norm. I would want to know. Once you tell her, it is her knowledge to do with what she pleases.

    Posted by tellher June 30, 09 11:50 AM
  1. You say you didn't have sex - what exactly did you do? Are you leaving something out? Because basically your email makes it sound like you just hung out and flirted all night, in a group of people. You say he wanted sex and your phone number, but make it sound like you didn't give him either, so really, what is the big deal?

    Posted by Lis June 30, 09 11:50 AM
  1. as a bride to be... i would ABSOLUTELY want to know. you would be doing her a HUGE service to inform her of whats going on. you could warn him that you are going to tell her so he has a chance first but i think you ABSOLUTELY should tell her

    Posted by herecomesthebride June 30, 09 11:50 AM
  1. I agree with peoplewholiveinglasshouses. It is TOTALLY not your business. Why do you care? You just met the guy and don't know him or his bride. You know nothing about their relationship. Big deal- he asked for your number twice, you sat around, had coffee and fun conversation and he wanted to sleep with you! Not to sound harsh, but just because he asked for your number twice doesn't mean that he had any intention of calling you. He wants to marry this woman and she wants to marry him- let it go. Why do you feel compelled to mess around with their lives?! The bride won't believe you, so your compulsion to "do the right thing" will ruin her wedding day if nothing else. Your tendency to over-analyze one night with a stranger (and to go the extra step of writing to Meredith for advice) makes me think that you have other issues. Don't be a stalker!!! And of course both men and women cheat! It's a lousy thing to do, but it's not always the guy...

    Posted by BostonGirl June 30, 09 11:50 AM
  1. Maybe you should tell her. If every cheater could be exposed, maybe it wouldn't be such a norm. I would want to know. Once you tell her, it is her knowledge to do with what she pleases.

    Posted by tellher June 30, 09 11:50 AM
  1. I think the fiancee should know that the groom and best man (or groomsman)were out together trying to hook up. That's just gross.

    Posted by stacy June 30, 09 11:50 AM
  1. WHAT SHOULD I DO HAIKU

    Betrothed bastard’s guile
    I’m his rehearsal dinner
    Give him my herpes

    Posted by valentino June 30, 09 11:50 AM
  1. No good deed goes unpunished... and your attempt to "help" the bride will, without a doubt, prove this to be true - it really could be a dangerous endeavor. if this is the first / only time this has happened in the guy's life, then perhaps it is some pre-wedding jitters and not worth breaking the marriage up over it... and if he does these sketchy / immoral / inappropriate things all the time, the finace already knows or will know soon enough... i don't disagree with meredith, you could contact him if you truly feel compelled, but you will want to err on the side of caution with this one and stay out of it as much as you are able... best of luck finding more upstanding gentlemen

    Posted by k June 30, 09 11:51 AM
  1. Bottom line is she won't believe you and she shouldn't.

    His friends were there and witnessed what went on. They know whether this is evidence of who he is or just an aberration. If anyone should tell it's them.

    Let karma run it's course. If he's this obvious in his cheating, it won't take long.

    Posted by Ritan1 June 30, 09 11:51 AM
  1. I hope this is the 10,000th comment and Rico doesn't get it.

    Posted by Deven M June 30, 09 11:52 AM
  1. To all of you people who say "leave it alone". You're probably the ones who are on your way to work and pass by a person lying on the street staring needing medical attention. Rather than picking up the phone and calling 911 or getting involved asking the person if they are alright, you would rather go on your merry way and hoping someone else will take care of it when in reality, it's you who can make the difference. No different in this case either. If there is fire, you pull the fire alarm. In this case, this woman has every chance to alter the fate of these two people. Karma? Who knows? Maybe he did this before and this woman can be that "karma"

    Posted by dotherightthing June 30, 09 11:53 AM
  1. Do not email him. He is a total lowlife, his friends are in on it, and he has excuses up the butthole ready to go. He will only exact revenge on you. If you decide to email the bride, leave out any incriminating info. about yourself. It would be good to put in dates, times, his friend's names, but not so much that he could identify it being you.
    Guys like this are sociopaths and you don't want to be in court getting a restraining order looking over your shoulder forever. TRUST me on this one.

    Posted by guysgonewild June 30, 09 11:54 AM
  1. I cannot believe I'm doing these two things but I agree with Rico and I want to aplogize to Rico for ripping him yesterday. Rico knows he messed up yesterday calling all sorts of names but I should have been the bigger person and ignored his daily comments. But then lo and behold, he nails this one. Rico, I don't like your 3rd person antics but let's all try to get along, so I apologize to you. You are who you are and no one can change that.

    This girl should mind her own business but for the sake of the bride, she should scare the crap out of the guy. I'm a guy and I think that is terrible however we don't know the whole story. I agree with some of the posters, there must have been some kissing or some type of contact going on before this guy asked for sex. If there was not, he is a total sleaze bag and needs to have the total you know what scared out of him. Sure he might do this again, maybe he has no brains or soul but this might give him a VERY long pause before he tries it again. Jeff's way would work but so would just going back to this friends house and telling him that you will rat out his pal if he does not change his ways.

    -Pete

    Posted by Pete June 30, 09 11:54 AM
  1. All the people who are saying to keep out of this have obviously never been cheated on. Of course you should tell. I'd want to know. It may hurt but I'll hurt more down the road. How to tell is up to you but if you are asking, you already know the answer.

    Posted by MFal27 June 30, 09 11:57 AM
  1. Mere, if I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times. In my three years of living in Boston (only using Boston as an example as it's probably a common occurence elsewhere as well) and being a part of the dating scene, I would have to say that about 90% of my prospects were either married, already in a relationship or just plain strange. I get plenty of attention. I'm well educated, take good care of myself, my friends tell me I'm attractive,etc., but this is what is out there cruising the clubs. Even one of my best male friends told that he really can't thibk of any available decent men! So , as far as our letter writer is concerned, she can go ahead and contacthim, but will it stop him? I doubt it. Apparently it's the norm these days. Are their significant others aware of this? How can sooo many not be?

    Posted by Nada June 30, 09 11:58 AM
  1. This is a tough one. On one hand, the bride is getting ready to possibly screw up her LIFE (why some women think weddings > life, I do not understand), but on the other hand, it's not really the letter writer's job to save it.

    If she decides not to tell, that should be the reason. It's not her job.

    But if it were me, I would. If you tell the bride and she believes you, mission accomplished. If she doesn't, then, she doesn't want to see him for what he is, and that's something no one can change. She'll get married to him anyway.

    I doubt there's more to the guy's story regarding an open relationship. What more is there to a story where sex with a stranger is involved? The HIV/AIDs letter is a good reason to worry. He already lied about the wedding invitation, what else is he gonna lie about?

    I also agree with a lot of the posts on here—not all guys are scum. They don't all do this.

    Posted by sometimes June 30, 09 11:58 AM
  1. I wish someone told my daughter about her soon-to-be-ex. They married only 3 months ago and he got hooked up with a friend of his sister's (the sister dropped the 'friend'). The girl knew he was engaged, met my daughter at a summer party as his finance, and kept after him. He was able to keep it a secret because he's unemployed and my daughter works evenings. Him & his whore now pal around all the time and on her my space he's her sweetie. My daughter found out, and immediately threw him out and filed for divorce. (They had been together for 3 years before they got married.) My daughter's upset because now everyone tells her they knew before she got married but decided to MTOB so not to "hurt" her. She feels that if they really were friends they would have told her the truth, regardless. I agree with her.

    If the ex did it once he'll do it again and I hope & pray the same thing happens to his new "sweetie".

    Posted by g209 June 30, 09 11:59 AM
  1. Here is what you should do: send HIM an e-mail, or call him, or whatever, and tell him "look, I don't know what your game is, but you're getting married, and I'm not interested in a man who is trying to cheat on his fiance." Then you hang up, and never call again, or e-mail, or whatever. If he responds to your e-mail, ignore it. If he calls back, don't pick up. This loser is obviously not for you, and his situation is obviously one you should avoid altogether.

    Make no attempt to contact his bride-to-be. Don't talk about this with friends. As soon as you contact him, just forget about this whole mess. It's not your problem, and frankly its not your business. I understand your moral dilemma, but hey, the world is full of brutal truths and bad people. Just keep your eyes open for the good stuff and don't try to fix the things that are beyond your control. You'll be much happier that way.


    Posted by Damo June 30, 09 11:59 AM
  1. I like how this girl is lying to us, saying she didn't have sex with this guy. Her morning after behavior surely fits the bill. I guess she doesn't want to sound easy. I am also disgusted by her snooping behavior. The invite was none of her business, but she clearly picked it up to read it. Taking the time to study it and commit the webaddress to memory. Then she starts with the stalkerish behavior going to the website and snoopy more into the private lives of others. If you ask me, I'd say she is as bad as the cheater. As far as telling her. It's none of your business. Stop poking your nose where it doesn't belong. Even if you do tell her, she won't believe you. In my experience, women never believe it unless they see it with their own eyes. A womans 3 best friends could tell her they saw her man cheat, and if he swore it didn't happen, she would believe him, and chaulk it all up to the other girls being jealous. Now if you want to tell someone something, do the poor guy who ever asks you to marry him a favor and show him this letter you wrote to Meredith before you tie the knot.

    Posted by MindYaBusiness June 30, 09 12:00 PM
  1. Hoss - I'm curious as to why you accuse the LW of snooping? It sounds like the invitation was right out there for anyone to see. Last year I was in my best friend's wedding and I put her invite right on my refrigerator - if I didn't want anyone looking at it, I wouldn't have put it there. I usually enjoy reading your comments, but you didn't address the fact that the groom-to-be was actually the one attempting to cheat. BUT I agree with you on the whole 'what's up with guys?' comment... ridiculous! Fortunately most people on here seem to recognize it for what it was... a useless attempt at male basing - BOTH men AND woman are capable of being equally sleazy!

    Posted by bumbly-bee June 30, 09 12:00 PM
  1. There is no excuse for this guy. Cold feet or not, it doesn't excuse this kind of behavior. From a guy's perspective this happens more than you think. I know so many guys from work, school, or just friends who cheat. I thought at first it was just my friends but when I got out to the 'real world' I found that many men cheat. I would say at least 50%. I'm sure some of the women who made comments to this letter have been cheated on and don’t even know it..It's the sad truth.. As they say "boys will be boys".. I wouldn't say anything, maybe he will stop besides who is to say that the next person she dates doesn't do the same thing.

    Posted by Paul from Wellesley June 30, 09 12:00 PM
  1. This is absolutely none of your business. She will still marry him, but it will create drama and most likely cause harm. People getting married are "blind".

    Right before I got married, I suspected something and asked specific questions about the other person. It was denied in what appeared to be a heartfelt and genuine way and I believed it. Seven weeks after the wedding, my spouse told me she actually was in love with the person, but promised she wouldn't follow up on it and we should "work on our marriage." Six months later, my best friend told me they were seeing each other. I asked my spouse for confirmation, and received it. I left, and it took years to get over the pain and humiliation, including having to tell family, friends and coworkers who had attended the wedding that the marriage was over before it started. I've healed now and am not bitter or angry anymore and have a great life, but learned that anyone is capable of anything.

    Meredith's right, he's probably a great liar so he'll sleaze his way out of it. I never thought my spouse would be capable of lying the way she did. I'm glad my best friend told me about her cheating, but there's no way I would have believed a stranger.

    Posted by yupokay June 30, 09 12:01 PM
  1. I'd like to point out something to all the naive and ignorant masses: the concept of "Risk versus Reward"

    The only thing further action of any sort will do is increase the potential risks for LW. What will she gain from pursuing this any further? I see zero potential reward other than possibly an "I prevented a potentially doomed marriage from occurring" bumper sticker.

    LEAVE IT ALONE.

    Posted by Dr. Tom Davis June 30, 09 12:08 PM
  1. If you decide to tell the bride, you MUST have proof. DO NOT tell her or contact her unless/until you have proof (an email or such from him.) I got an email last week from someone who claimed my bf has been cheating on me, but she did not provide any proof. So I am left feeling doubt and questioning her motive and truthfulness. If you are the type to avoid drama and wash your hands clean of things, then let it go. I usually feel that way about 99% of things, but with this I think you should follow your conscience. There are obvious health concerns for the bride if he is cheating with other women, and I know that if I were in her position I would want to know. But only with some serious proof. Empty accusations will only cause more heartache and confusion.

    So, if you feel like getting involved in some drama, then email him, not telling him you know about his wedding- just flirting, telling him you changed your mind and you really want to have sex with him like he asked, and ask him out on a "date." If his response is incriminating, forward it to the bride. Maybe he will say he was just joking, or he made a huge mistake flirting with you and nothing would have happened. Maybe. More than likely, you'll get the incriminating evidence and you can decide what to do about it. But be careful if you make a move. Messing with people's lives can have serious consequences. But so can do nothing at all.

    All you can do is ask yourself, if I were in the bride's shoes, what would I want this woman to do? And then do that.

    And keep us posted on what you do or don't do.

    Posted by Skyler June 30, 09 12:09 PM
  1. In response to #134 - there's a big difference between calling 911 for a fire or an injury, and getting involved in the middle of someone else's relationship. The way I read it? The LW is young, takes risks (strange men's houses after drinking all night) and was pissed to find out the guy she's attracted to is engaged. The guy didn't sleep with her - he flirted with her. People flirt. We're taking her at her word. Well something stopped them from sleeping together - maybe it was him too? We all like to feel attractive - taken or not. But to compare those of us advocating staying out of it to ignoring someone who needs medical attention? Be real.

    Posted by Tricia June 30, 09 12:10 PM
  1. I can' believe that more people are worried about ruining the wedding (and worried about the expense) than the marriage to follow. The wedding is just a day that everyone puts too much emphasis on, it the marriage that's important. Too many times for the YEAR or more before hand, once the wedding ball is rolling doubts or second thoughts won't stop it, but proof of a problem will. The writer wants to tell the bride-to-be, so I say she should, but let the guy hang himself. Send him an email, to get proof of his intentions, then forward them to the hopefully not-bride-to-be..

    Posted by readerwithopinion June 30, 09 12:11 PM
  1. DITTO dotherightthing! Exactly what I was trying to say, but much better said!

    Posted by alipie June 30, 09 12:12 PM
  1. Since you know the time and date of the wedding, you should show up to the ceremony and see how he responds.
    Now THAT would be funny!

    Posted by WddngCrshr June 30, 09 12:14 PM
  1. Another swing and a miss Meredith,

    I like DudeGuyKidDudeGuy666's suggestion, but it has the same problem as Meredith's advice. You don't want to mess with this guy. All I have to say to you is two words: Craigslist Killer. This is a guy who is living a lie, if you put yourself in the middle of him and that lie, you may end up dead.

    My advice is to e-mail her. Yes, it is likely to be ignored, but it will put the seed of "everything is not right" in her mind and she may see other signs that make her think twice about marrying the guy.

    Posted by monkeycaller June 30, 09 12:15 PM
  1. My comment will probably be lost at this point but here goes.

    My opinion is either email HER or keep out of it. But in todays electronic world where it is easy to find people, and where reaslity tv has let too many sychos think it is ok to kill people (craigs list killer) - do you really want to give this person a reason to fear you and potentially silence you? You hung around together. He can figure out who and where you are. You're talking about taking his wonderful planned life and trashing it. Sycho's have killed for less - and if the scum bag will cheat on his bride - who are you to him?

    Tell her or keep out of it. Just my opinion.

    Posted by ConcernedGlen June 30, 09 12:15 PM
  1. As someone who was cheated on, I would have LOVED for someone to have told me. Instead, I felt stupid when I found out. I felt like all of these people around me knew and no one had the courage to say something. I think that you should tell the bride. Give her details so it can't be disputed - where you went, what the invitation looked like, his friends names, etc.. She will likely be angry and she will be very hurt but at least then she can make the decision to get married or not with all of the background information. I decided to stay in my relationship and five years later we are very happy but I still wish someone had told me so I didn't have to find out on my own.

    Posted by Anonymous June 30, 09 12:16 PM
  1. these are tricky situations but i think it's easier because you don't know the woman, it's not like you are friends or will see these people again. this guy is really an idiot, not only for trying to cheat but to have his wedding invitation out for you to see! with a web address! in this day and age he should know it's not hard to track someone down and for this to get back to his fiancee. i have to wonder if he consciously or subconsciously WANTS to get caught or is he just that stupid?? i had a married guy try to get with me once, and after some googling found a site saying he and his wife lived happily in whatever town. i emailed him asking how his wife was & cautioning him on such behavior in this world of google etc. but i think if they weren't married yet i would have warned her. i wouldn't tell him "you have a week to tell her" because then he will come up with a story to keep her from believing you. honestly i would tell the girl. she probably won't believe you but at least it will get her thinking and she may already have other clues that together with your info will open her eyes to what he's been up to.

    Posted by erica June 30, 09 12:18 PM
  1. Do you even have his email? You've only met him once?
    Maybe try this...do you have a way to touch base with his friends? Get to him through them. Make it known that you know, and that he sucks. Plant the seed and let him sweat...
    This way, you are not getting directly involved, yet you are taking some action.
    What a jacka**...oy.

    Posted by pb June 30, 09 12:19 PM
  1. he isnt marrried yet, drop it....

    Posted by Anonymous June 30, 09 12:19 PM
  1. I agree with most of the posts here. LEAVE IT ALONE....this is really none of your business and you are not the relationship police. Just because this guy has no moral compass it is not up to you to set it right. He will do this again....once a cheat ALWAYS a cheat. She should know the guy she is marrying....I am sure this won't be the last time he pulls this. If the commitment and respect is not enough to deter him how will a piece of metal on his finger??????

    Posted by Don't do it June 30, 09 12:20 PM
  1. Paco just read reindeergirl's comments, and realized Paco made a mistake earlier. Contrary to Paco's earlier posts, DO NOT CONTACT HIM! If he could sue you for stalking/blackmail, etc., it would be a mistake to give him the means to hurt you. Instead, CONTACT HER. She has a right to know. If she doesn't believe you, that's her problem. But you can at least live with a clear conscience knowing you did the right thing.

    Paco is appalled by the people saying this is none of your business. Paco wonders if these people have their own secrets to hide. Think about it this way: if the person you loved was cheating on you, wouldn't YOU think you had a right to know?

    Posted by Paco June 30, 09 12:20 PM
  1. Paco just read reindeergirl's comments, and realized Paco made a mistake earlier. Contrary to Paco's earlier posts, DO NOT CONTACT HIM! If he could sue you for stalking/blackmail, etc., it would be a mistake to give him the means to hurt you. Instead, CONTACT HER. She has a right to know. If she doesn't believe you, that's her problem. But you can at least live with a clear conscience knowing you did the right thing.

    Paco is appalled by the people saying this is none of your business. Paco wonders if these people have their own secrets to hide. Think about it this way: if the person you loved was cheating on you, wouldn't YOU think you had a right to know?

    Posted by Paco June 30, 09 12:20 PM
  1. Maybe you should send an anonymous email to the bride with a link to this page? Me thinks she might catch on...

    Posted by invertigo June 30, 09 12:21 PM
  1. Nothing happened. It's he said/she said. You claim he tried to "close." But maybe he just was saying how much he enjoyed your company. Move on. Hook up with someone else. If you call the guy out, then you are clearly stating that you want him. If you contact his fiance, then he denies it and blames you. Also, if nothing happened, then he can even bring his friends in for defense. Don't be an A-hole....or a freak. The dude can deny it with honesty because nothing happened.

    Posted by BigDuke June 30, 09 12:21 PM
  1. Nothing happened. It's he said/she said. You claim he tried to "close." But maybe he just was saying how much he enjoyed your company. Move on. Hook up with someone else. If you call the guy out, then you are clearly stating that you want him. If you contact his fiance, then he denies it and blames you. Also, if nothing happened, then he can even bring his friends in for defense. Don't be an A-hole....or a freak. The dude can deny it with honesty because nothing happened.

    Posted by BigDuke June 30, 09 12:22 PM
  1. I'm not sure why this even concerns her. They are NOT married yet. How many guys/girls cheat on their boyfriends/girlfriends....at least 90% from what I have witnessed. Stay out of it. It's not your problem

    Posted by nash June 30, 09 12:22 PM
  1. You dangle a willing woman in front of 99% of the male population, they'll jump on it. The 1% who won't are those 'sensitive' types that women go for after they're burned by the other 99% and then get bored themselves and leave them.

    If you want to create drama, by all means contact them both. But just be prepared yourself when you are in her position that some woman is going to be near your guy's pants too..and they may not say no.

    So while I can't say that "ALL" men cheat, I guarantee that 99% would like to if given the opportunity. Men are very good at seperating 'feelings' from bodily urges.

    Posted by Get over it June 30, 09 12:23 PM
  1. Wow, a bunch of butt-in-ski's here today. Sounds like you're all titilated by this kind of drama. It's a little bit pathetic.

    Do not insert yourself into the situation between this bride and groom to be. It is not your place since you do not know either one of them personally. Also, if I understand correctly, there was not actually any cheating that happened, just talk of potential cheating?

    This one is a no-brainer

    Posted by lilmonkeybean June 30, 09 12:24 PM
  1. Wow, a bunch of butt-in-ski's here today. Sounds like you're all titilated by this kind of drama. It's a little bit pathetic.

    Do not insert yourself into the situation between this bride and groom to be. It is not your place since you do not know either one of them personally. Also, if I understand correctly, there was not actually any cheating that happened, just talk of potential cheating?

    This one is a no-brainer

    Posted by lilmonkeybean June 30, 09 12:24 PM
  1. I would e-mail her. It does not matter if she believes you or not. I would tell her the names of the friends you were with, and the address where you were. Even the fact that he partied without his bride should make her pissed. Poor woman. Tell her you don't know her, so why would you make this stuff up? I believe in women's solidarity. Tell her, and then it's up to her to judge.

    Posted by pumped June 30, 09 12:25 PM
  1. Cornered rats fight back so unless you're prepared to deal with the possible consequences of cornering this rat, WHATEVER they are, then the SMART thing to do is to NOT do anything and move on. As others have said, he's already proven to be a liar and a cheat, do you really what to discover what else he can potentially be?


    Posted by Brett June 30, 09 12:26 PM
  1. Because the Bride may not believe you is a horrible reason not to tell her. Let her decide what she does with theinformation. She might shrug it off. Or it might be the thing that gives her strength to look around and check out any suspicions she has. You do not know her or him, and so you are not risking your own family or your own circle of friends. You have nothing to lose. She, however, has everything to lose. Tell her. Yes, she may not believe you. But she might. And regardless, you would have done what you could.

    Posted by jlen June 30, 09 12:28 PM
  1. 4 girls go home with a guy and stay the night. Of course he thinks he is going to get lucky. He will definitely cheat on his bride to be after they are married. He is a low life, and you and your friends need to use better jugement. Why would you ever go home with a stranger after drinking? Would you pick up a hitch hiker sober?

    Posted by Jimmy the Bartender June 30, 09 12:30 PM
  1. Wow top left placement on the Boston.com homepage, plus a photo. LL is moving up in the pecking order!

    (Just trying to be #10,000).

    Posted by Alvin June 30, 09 12:30 PM
  1. It's easy really. Contact the fiancee, let her know what hubby did and that you were with his friends Chad and Biff or whoever else was with her that night as well if she wants someone to corroborate.

    Posted by billybarty June 30, 09 12:31 PM
  1. #29, you said it best:
    All actions have consequences! My parents pounded that into our craniums from childhood. No matter what stage of life that you are now in, those same words wring true. Plus, being in the health profession, we always tell our patients: Everyone that your partner has had sex with, so have you if you are in a sexually active relationship. Someone here needs to step up to the plate. There will be anger, hurt feelings, the whole gamut. But someone needs to have some integrity. I'm just not surewho.......

    Posted by Nada June 30, 09 12:31 PM
  1. I agree with the one who said "People end up with the ones they deseve". I met a guy, looking to sell me a car at a dealership. He was cute, charming and even flirted with me. He told me since we both were single, to call him anytime, after work so we could 'talk' So I did, but I mostly got voicemail...he'd call back and flirt back, I'd leave flirty messages, and cute 'come get me' innuendoes, figuring he'd call back again and we might get something going. So one day my phone rang. It was HIS FIANCEE. She demanded to know who was leaving these messages on her man's Blackblerry. Come to find out, SHE figured out his password and was listening to all of his messages!! So I go back to see him, and kinda quiz him...then ask him who "XXXXX" was. He kinda went pale, so I whipped out my cell and showed him my RECIEVED CALLS with the date and time of her phone call with her number on it. He sputtered and shrank, then confessed his flirting with me to sell me a car!! But it backfired on him AND her, as she got caught snooping, and HE got caught leading women on 'as part of my sales pitch'. Last I knew, they got into a HUGE fight, then later he had a heart attack , but I dont know if they ever went through with their wedding. You are right...they deserved each other!!

    Posted by travlinterry June 30, 09 12:31 PM
  1. I would absolutely do what many posters have said. SET HIM UP! Then with proof in hand I would go to the priest of the church he was getting married at and give him the evidence of the cheating asking him to handle it with the bride to be.

    Posted by Anonymous June 30, 09 12:31 PM
  1. dr (probably a chiropractor that likes to say he is a doctor) tom davis probably cheats on his girlfriend/boyfriend/wife/husband. Anyone who wants you to stay out of it probably is a cheater and would like to keep themselves out of trouble.

    Rat him out

    Posted by tom davis not a doctor June 30, 09 12:33 PM
  1. Mind your own business and stay out of the guy's life. You don't know him, her, or their history. There's no reason why YOU should be upset about this. Maybe you should be more concerned about yourself and the losers you seem to be attracted to.

    Posted by marvcook June 30, 09 12:33 PM
  1. Am I reading this correctly? Are some posters actually calling AnswerThis a tease and blaming this single person for flirting and hanging out with someone that she thought was also single? Unbelievable.

    MS- wtf does it matter if it was his bachelor party? He tried to sleep with her and would have if she had agreed. Is it ok for him to cheat on his fiancé with a complete stranger as long as it was his bachelor party and “he and his friends were having a good time, flirting, and doing all the things that men generally do for these parties...” A bachelor party is not an excuse to act like a pig.

    My first instinct is to say stay out of it. However, after reading the responses and giving it some thought I say go with Jeff’s suggestion because the STD argument is a valid one. Maybe this was a one time thing or maybe he is a habitual cheater. Either way, let him incriminate himself and forward it to her. Then move on and let them decide what to do after that.

    Posted by my2cents June 30, 09 12:34 PM
  1. Agree with post 164 here, it's scary how many self righteous snoops there are around here....you don't know these people nor have any obligation to them, why would you feel you have any right to voluntarily inflict so much damage on both of them? You are not being a good person, you are a busybody who seems to get off on creating some strife in the lives of others. You had a fun night, the guy is a jerk, and that is that...let it go, you can do nothing but hurt people by butting in on the business of others. My advice is to get a life and keep looking for a guy that isn't taken.

    Posted by Dan June 30, 09 12:34 PM
  1. Would you want to know if you were in Bride's position, or wish that someone had warned you?

    Posted by Redheaded Wonder June 30, 09 12:35 PM
  1. i think you should call him on it in an email. he'll respond. then take your original email and his response and forward them to the bride. he'll have a tough time getting out of that one. or - don't email him/give him the chance to come up with an excuse/lie. email her directly. to make her believe you, describe him, his friends, his apartment, his bedroom - all things you should not know, and would not know, if he hadn't brought you home. i think you're doing her a favor to let her know. also, while the main issue is obviously in how he wronged his fiancee, he also wronged you... what if you'd slept with him and really thought you liked him? you'd be quite hurt and upset when you did eventually find out the truth, or when he suddenly kicked you to the curb. you do not owe him any consideration.

    Posted by julie June 30, 09 12:36 PM
  1. And this is your business because?

    Posted by Jerry June 30, 09 12:36 PM
  1. #134 - well said. I often wonder why people take the easier road and do nothing or say nothing out of fear that they will 'mess' things up or look like the bad guy/gal giving bad news.

    If only more people would stand on principle this world would be a much better place. But, then again, we'd have nothing to read here would we? Just because nobody is perfect doesn't mean everybody should sit quietly while others are doing wrong. Imagine a friend coming alongside while you are doing something you know you should not be doing and prevents you from making a mistake - should that friend be scorned or thanked? It takes courage to do the right thing and if we practiced doing just that more times than not, we'd all be living and making life better around us.

    Posted by marj June 30, 09 12:37 PM
  1. "What is the point of telling the bride? Who is to say this isn't a case of the guy getting a little before he is married, in the same sense of cheating on the bachelor party evening."

    Really? Until the marriage ceremony begins it's only "getting a little"? Wow! Hide the bridesmaids until the vows are recited!

    I would want to know. Previous comments have hit the why:
    Once Married - it will be more complicated, especially if children are involved
    STDs - this woman needs to know her husband-to-be may not be "clean" in
    more ways than one!
    Decency - if you have information that could prevent someone from being hurt
    you should act to prevent the hurt.

    I was involved in this type of situation YEARS AGO (married now over 25 years). I met a nice guy at a party - went out once - found out he had a live in girlfriend. It was only one date, no attachments or activity of any kind, but the deception has stayed with me over the years. It seems some things, or people, never change.

    Posted by portiaperu June 30, 09 12:38 PM
  1. You have to tell the fiancée! Women need to stand up for eachother!

    Posted by Tellher! June 30, 09 12:38 PM
  1. After reading Hoss's reply, I have to agree with him. Your snooping is at least as despicable as his actions. Besides, it's clearly stated that nothing more than "fun flirting and attraction" happened. Yeah, you claim he was "asking for sex", but for all you know it was all an act of bravado in front of the friend.

    Stay out of it, or run the risk of potentially destroying the relationship between two people who may be deeply in love and prepared for a lifelong commitment to each other.

    Posted by invertigo June 30, 09 12:39 PM
  1. do the right thing and send the bride an anonymous email. She needs to know if he's been fooling around. There is no excuse for his behavior - she can confront him or not, her choice. But at least you will have given her a chance to find out what her boyfriend is REALLY like. don't contact him, he may start hunting you down. A dear friend of mine contacted herpes from her husband, he denied infecting her (she had NEVER been with anyone else and he knew it). They broke up but she has his gift for life now.

    Posted by Katherine June 30, 09 12:40 PM
  1. I ABSOLUTELY agree with Jeff (post #5). I do agree that real men don't do this!! As a guy, even i would want to know if the role was reversed. i guess i am that 1% others have referred to - i would be hurt. Girls seem to be hurt more in these situations - she deserves to know!

    GOOD LUCK!

    Posted by Mike June 30, 09 12:41 PM
  1. Hey, you spent the night with a guy you just met.
    He probably figured you were a slut and he'd score.
    What are you doing getting that chummy with a man you just met?
    YOU are the one with the problem, IMO. His fiance's life is none of your business.

    Posted by Shecky28 June 30, 09 12:42 PM
  1. Listen....no doubt this is definitely a sticky situation. BOTTOM LINE: Follow your gut. It doesn't matter what any of us think. It only matters what you feel is the right thing to do. What would you want to be done if the roles were reversed and you were the bride-to-be?

    PLEASE GIVE US AN UPDATE!!! :)

    Posted by Follow Your Gut June 30, 09 12:42 PM
  1. In college, a friend of mine had two girlfriends. This went on for a year, though I wasn't aware that he was truly "dating" both. At times, my boyfriend and I went out on double dates with both girls, urging the guy to tell the other girl each time. He ended up making a plan to move to Tennessee with one of the girls, so we thought it was all over anyways. The other girl got pregnant and now, 4 years later, they're engaged with two kids... I've never said a word because I didn't think it was my place. I regret it in some ways because the girls did deserve to know.

    Posted by anonymous June 30, 09 12:43 PM
  1. You barely know this guy. Why are you even expending the energy to insert yourself into his life? Out of some sense of justice?

    Questions worth asking yourself, whichever course of action you decide upon.

    Posted by steve in W MA June 30, 09 12:43 PM
  1. I think you should email him and see how he responds. If he incriminates himself then forward the response to the fiance. Better for her to know.

    If not, then let it go because she probably won't believe you anyway. At least in that case he may take pause to wonder if his fiance will be getting word of his indiscretion.

    Posted by M June 30, 09 12:43 PM
  1. I submit to you that Women are just as likely to pull something like that as guys.... End of story. But I'd tell her... could be fun.

    Posted by Otter June 30, 09 12:44 PM
  1. Dont put yourself in potential danger--what if he reacts poorly and comes after you? I think Meredith should have included that possibility--I hope you are reading down the comments far enough since several have mentioned this.
    If he's marrying a wealthy girl and you screw it up god knows what he'll do

    Posted by E June 30, 09 12:44 PM
  1. My point was that the bride-to-be should already know what she is getting into. She should know her man and if he cheats.

    This woman is under no obligation to provide information to the bride-to-be. If she rats out the dude, what if he's psycho? If she confronts him, or threatens to tell the fiancee, he may want to silence her.

    The email with the CC sounds like the best option. The fiancee gets the info, the dude knows he's under scrutiny, and the autor of the letter is more protected.

    Posted by S June 30, 09 12:46 PM
  1. I would confront him in person and say look i know you are getting married and you should your fianace that you were cheating on her and you don't deserve me.

    Posted by samoy2e June 30, 09 12:48 PM
  1. Oh boy… sounds all too familiar. I found myself involved with a man who was engaged. We had a long history, spent some time apart & sort of bumped into each other & re-kindled a friendship/romance. It ended after a few months & I was tempted to reach out to the girl & tell her what kind of man she was marrying. I wrote her an email, I think it was therapeutic - but didn't send it. at the end of the day, I didn't want to be involved, I didn't want to be the one to ruin anyone's life. As it turned out, the wedding was called off anyway.

    To this poster -- I think you only THINK you want to help this girl, deep down, you want to lash out at the guy for being a d*ck.

    PS: ladies, be careful of the handsome ones b/c they are the best liars.

    Posted by been there, done that June 30, 09 12:48 PM
  1. DO NOT MAKE ANY CONTACT WHATSOEVER
    This person is a sociopath, and you are putting yourself in danger by getting involved.

    Posted by be smart June 30, 09 12:49 PM
  1. That's what happens when you fall in love with someone for their external beauty and not their inner. She made her bed, have her lay in it. Besides she must have an idea already. I am sure he exhibits other selfish signs that she chooses to ignore. Plus, you have to ask yourself, why is this guy openly cheating on her with his friends? Flirting in public, going home with other guy friends? I think he wants to get caught. Maybe next time he will invite his brother in-law out too.

    Posted by bahhhoo June 30, 09 12:49 PM
  1. bumbly-bee,

    She saw the invite. Fine. She asked about it. Fine. But then memorizing the website, going on there later, browsing through pictures of the past 3 years (re-read the letter), getting the bride's email address off the web page, etc. is flat out SNOOPING.

    What you and the other wannabe do-gooders don't realize is that LW willingly went out drinking and pulled an all nighter with a guy she just met and 3 others. According to her, nothing happened. They chatted, played Yahtzee, had some drinks, got in their flannel jammies, went to sleep, and then had coffee the next morning. LW does not know the bride. LW obviously does not know the groom other than flirting and chatting with him and poking around a website. She doesn't know the guy's phone number, email address, or anything else. She only knows what she snooped out on a website.

    p.s. Stop calling it cheating. Last time I checked, an engaged guy chatting all night with other people and not having sex is NOT cheating. It's questionable moral character and judgment, disrespectful, etc., etc., but not cheating.

    Posted by Hoss June 30, 09 12:50 PM
  1. you should definitely ask him out again and take a few pics of u two kissing and etc.. then send it to her. bottomline is that you've done your part in letting her know what type of scum bag he is. Without evidence, she wouldnt believe you and will keep in lying to herself that he is a good man!

    Posted by tammy June 30, 09 12:51 PM
  1. Hmm, first Philip Markoff, now this poster. Let's get real here folks. It may not feel right but the fiancee needs to know about this creep. How you do it is up to you, but the email to her with details about the apartment sounds right.

    Posted by OhPulease! June 30, 09 12:51 PM
  1. I'm getting married this summer and I would DEFINITELY want to know if my fiance was cheating. Ignore the callous people who tell you this isn't your concern.
    Email him and CC or BCC her. This guy is a pig and should be alone for the rest of his life.

    Posted by WhirledPeas June 30, 09 12:52 PM
  1. I know most of you (women) in here will pounce on me for what I'm about to say and I'm pretty sure you've heard this before and dismissed it as mere nonsense. The truth of the matter is "Men are not designed to be with ONLY one woman". Many have tried and failed. I think those who manage to accomplish this feat should have their DNAs studied and corrected before the infect the rest of th world.

    Posted by HistoryIsProof June 30, 09 12:52 PM
  1. Proceed with caution. I would never put myself or family in a position to be a victim of revenge without good reason and this is definitively not worth it.

    Posted by Chapdog June 30, 09 12:52 PM
  1. I say that you email both him and his wife. I'd mention something about him or his place that only somebody close to him would know since you spent the night there. That way his fiance will be less likely to think that you're some crazy stranger out of the blue. The poor girl deserves to know what she's getting into. She may never believe you, but at least you can clear your conscience knowing that you tried to warn her.

    Posted by kdilkington June 30, 09 12:52 PM
  1. Ugh... AnswerThis what is your deal? First time you've encountered a guy just trying to get laid? Consider yourself happy you didn't go all the way with him and move along... why ruin the life of someone who was just trying to have one last fling (presumably). And last I checked, girls have had similar ideas (believe me, I know). It sounds to me like you are the one who liked this guy, and now you want to inject yourself further into his life. Just move on... maybe you'll find another guy to go home with.

    Posted by RR Fields June 30, 09 12:52 PM
  1. How do any of you even know that he was cheating?

    What if he and his wife have an arrangement?

    I have one of those in my relationship and let me tell you how much pressure is lifted when either one of us can go out, do some flirting, and even have sex with someone else from time to time.

    Posted by spm June 30, 09 12:53 PM
  1. Why is everyone so afraid this guy is going to turn into a stalker? How likely is that, really? He's a liar, not a psycho.

    Don't let fear rule you.

    Posted by sometimes June 30, 09 12:53 PM
  1. JUST be glad its not you he is involved with!! as someone who was involved with a USER and manipulative cheater and found out...The best thing you can do for yourself is to live a great life...and forget you ever met this guy!!!.thats what I did..and I have never been happier!!..Leave trashy people to destroy their own lives...and again, thank GOD your arent the bride!!..

    Posted by LiseyLise June 30, 09 12:54 PM
  1. I think

    Posted by Dingo Lover June 30, 09 12:55 PM
  1. email her...he's a real scumbag

    Posted by p-dog June 30, 09 12:55 PM
  1. How about his friends? She was partying with, and went to his friend's house- so apparently his friends are complicit as well. He sounds like a bit dog and you may think he deserves to have his party spoiled, but he is not married yet and we don't know if he intends to continue this behavior. As far as the "what's up with guys" comment, it should read "what's up with people", because I know some girls who make this behavior look tame by comparison. It's very disingenuous to make this kind of behavior a "guy" thing. So, in my opinion it would be ok to call him on his via email, as long as it is not threatening-just to say "I gotcha" and maybe to suggest he treat his fiancé better after the get hitched.

    Posted by itaintme June 30, 09 12:55 PM
  1. Maybe you're super hot, the kind of woman every guy dreams of. Is that possible? Just curious.

    Posted by Anon June 30, 09 12:55 PM
  1. First off, I agree with those that are saying that it's really none of your business, AnswerThis. Your business is your relationship with this guy, such as it is. His behavior the other night obviously made you uncomfortable, which I can understand. But, that's between you and him - not anyone else. So, I'd agree in part with Meredith - email him, but say, "look, x, y, and z that you did made me feel uncomfortable and a, b, and c are the reasons why. That's why I will not be hanging out with you anymore." You've called out his behavior that you didn't like, you've set a boundary for yourself, and then you're done. It's not your job to manage anyone's relationships but your own.

    Secondly, have you ever had someone else butt their nose in to a relationship of yours with advice or something you just "had to know"? How did that make you feel? For most people, it irritates the crap out of them, in my experience. Why should this woman, who you don't even know! - be any different?

    And finally, there could be something else going on: the "bride-to-be" may not only be aware of his behavior, she may be completely, 100% okay with it. Many people do have monogamous relationships, but not everyone. That doesn't excuse the lie, but it does mean that he may not have actually been cheating.

    Posted by Wench June 30, 09 12:56 PM
  1. Tell her about the fiance then at least you know you tried. You never know, maybe their relationship isn't that great to begin with or he cheated before and promised not to do it again, and they are getting married anyway. This could be the thing that ends it for good before they get married and it's harder to break up.

    Posted by FrustratedFan June 30, 09 12:57 PM
  1. 'GetOverIt' guarantees that 99% of men will always jump on any willing woman, regardless of the circumstances.

    According to my calculations, there is a 100% probability that number is just made up.

    Posted by Dr. Math June 30, 09 12:58 PM
  1. yeah i also agree with not lumping all men together in a category with this one, just like you don't want men to assume all women act like some of the crazy ones they may have met.

    and yeah maybe safety concerns should take priority... but maybe find a way to anonymously let the girl know without it being obvious it's you. i would be surprised if he hasn't tried or actually hooked up with other chicks so he probably wouldn't know for sure who was busting him.

    Posted by erica June 30, 09 12:58 PM
  1. I'll bet you were the prissy little tattle-tale in elementary school, sitting in the next row with her hand up, saying "teacher, he's chewing gum..."

    Guess what - you still are. Who are you to pass judgment? Wouldn't it be sweet if you contacted the bride and she responded with "So what, we have an open relationship?" Get a life.

    Posted by Big J June 30, 09 12:58 PM
  1. 'GetOverIt' guarantees that 99% of men will always jump on any willing woman, regardless of the circumstances.

    According to my calculations, there is a 100% probability that number is just made up.

    Posted by Dr. Math June 30, 09 12:58 PM
  1. Just because you're a lesbian doesn't mean the person you never met (bride) and the person you drank and talked with for one night (groom) shouldn't get married if they want to. Take your anti-male bias someplace else, Nancy Drew.

    Oh, and you can decrease the odds of getting into predicaments like this by not pulling all-nighters with people you just met. I'm just sayin....

    Posted by Hadie Nuff June 30, 09 12:59 PM
  1. Update: Was just informed guys also want tickets to MLB playoff games and will give up sex, love and space to get them. Right on.

    Posted by Sally June 30, 09 01:00 PM
  1. Hoss, you are the man!
    Please people come on. What stupid advice. Miss AT, this is what my mother would have told me to do - MYOB. You can't save her or anyone else of heart break. If not this, it will be something else in her life. You don't have all the facts only what you've made up. Ok, he is a turd, just move on, leave it alone.

    Posted by areyoukiddingme June 30, 09 01:00 PM
  1. does anyone really care about this crap.. if so, why?

    Posted by worthlessarticle June 30, 09 01:01 PM
  1. Dingo Lover -- therefore you are?

    Posted by Sally June 30, 09 01:02 PM
  1. Just put yourself in her position. If your were weeks away from getting married and your soon to be husband was doing this, wouldn't you want to know before making possibly the biggest mistake of your life? Tell her, she probably already has suspisions. Let her know you were hanging out with so and so at so and so's place, thats enough evidence there. She will at least confront him, he will probably lie, but she may take a step back and re-evaluate this guy she's about to marry. If you could somehow frame him with an email where he admits to it- that would be perfect. Another thing, who are these "friends" who allow their engaged buddy to do this? Awful!

    Posted by sb June 30, 09 01:02 PM
  1. One more Rico thought:

    Sounds like a great idea for a reality TV series...or is there already one out there? Seriously, get him contacted and set up a date with him to finish what you started the other night. tell him you have been thinking about him since you met him. Then have the entire tape released on TV and have a little party and invite his fiance to be a viewer. Tape that whole scene and put it on the internet. Youtube? Rico is just thinking crazy, sorry.

    Do tell her and let her be aware of what she is getting into.

    Posted by Rico June 30, 09 01:03 PM
  1. Don't bother ...been there. She didn't believe me. As a matter of fact, she turned it all on me.

    Posted by gw627ft June 30, 09 01:04 PM
  1. i think and hope that any woman or man would want to know if something like that has happened...ESPECIALLY if your about to marry this person because if you find out about it later on...you might not forgive and then have to deal with a messy divorce!

    Posted by xooheavenly June 30, 09 01:06 PM
  1. That guy sounds like a real scumbag. You should definitely tell the other woman and hopefully she dumps his cheating, pathetic ass!


    P.S. I am a guy and not all guys are like that loser!

    Posted by Derek M. June 30, 09 01:07 PM
  1. Move on. Its not your business. You only met him one night. You really don't even know the guy. Why add the drama to your life.

    Posted by allie June 30, 09 01:08 PM
  1. You should let karma takes its course. You don't know the details of their circumstances. I agree that it is not right what he did, however you just met him one night and didn't have sex. If you had sex with him then its a totally different story. Just let it pass, or else you'll be in the middle of an overwhelming cirmcumstance.

    Posted by Tom June 30, 09 01:09 PM
  1. I have been seeing my ex-boyfriend for several years now, while he has been dating another women he has known for many years and got engaged to last year.
    We are all older, and have plenty of relationship experience, and I feel there is enough data for her to figure it out.
    If she wanted to.
    I would never tell the fiancée, as he is not lying to me, I know exactly what and who I am involved with and I have my own private reasons staying involved with him.
    I am open and honest with him and he knows my situation, so it works for us. He may be lying to her, but that's his choice.
    To AnswerThis, Don’t feel bad and don’t get involved with it.
    Their relationship will implode eventually.

    Posted by Art Girl in Boston June 30, 09 01:10 PM
  1. "What's up with guys?" Really? Women do this too. Jerks come in all shapes, sizes, and SEXES.

    Posted by michael June 30, 09 01:11 PM
  1. I would just cut your losses and be thankful you found out before it was too late. Your turning him down was a good thing, be proud of yourself. Now you know why you should know someone before you sleep with them. Do not email either one of them. You don't know what kind of looney toon he is and you could be in for a surprise. If he contacts you tell him to pound sand your not interested in cheats. He'll say, he had a wonderful time with you; and as he's not married yet he didn't know these feeling existed. What if the two of you were meant to be together, wouldn't it be better to find out now then get married and be miserable? Do not fall for it, run the other way. I wouldn't lump all of us guys into one bucket. I've been married 25 years and both my wife and I have fended off subtle advances over the years. The rule of thumb is. If the situation smells then get out before it stinks.


    Posted by rlsrd June 30, 09 01:13 PM
  1. This guy is clearly a jerk - no doubt. But is there any doubt either that laurahere is completely INSANE!! Your advice is to start blackmailing this guy. Chalk it up as a learning experience and be thankful you didn't take it further. I'm willing to bet that his fiancee is well aware of what she is up against. People often ignore the obvious when the alternative is quite unsettling. Let them live their lives and move on.

    Posted by INT646 June 30, 09 01:13 PM
  1. I agree that she will not believe you if you email her. The way I see it, you have two options - leave it alone and forget about it, or do what comment #5 up there said - email him first and see what his response is. If he's apologetic, says its a one time thing, please don't tell her, etc... then I would chalk it up to that and leave it alone. It happens, and you didn't sleep together, so no use in ruining her wedding and dragging her into this. She's better off not knowing. However, if he's a jerk, doesn't care, etc etc, send your email and his response to her. Then it will be up to her to decide what to do with it. And who knows - maybe she already does know that he does this! I really think that some girls put up with the cheating on a regular basis, and that's why guys get away withit. Cuz lets face it, most guys aren't so good that they're never gonna get caught!

    Posted by betterlucknexttime June 30, 09 01:14 PM
  1. Ahh cmon...he was just tryin to get alittle strange before he got shackled...the snooping slut had no business reading the card in the first place.

    Posted by Ben Dover June 30, 09 01:14 PM
  1. bottom line is the guy did NOTHING wrong. yes mayeb he would have had sex if you agreed, but maybe he would have abcked out and he was just looking to see fi he could still "close the deal"......

    The bigger question is what is with so many of the women on here and there incredible need to stir stuff up in other people's lives? Why woudl anyone need to solicit the opinion of so many strangers to decide what to do? This alone tells me you have the IQ of a piece of cheese. You want people focusing on you, you and more you! Was this because you lack singing ability and could not get on American Idol? Stop looking to be the center of attention and leave these people alone.

    As for the rest of you women on here stirring up the pot, maybe if you weren't such drama queens you could find a guy who would tolerate you and then you would be happy...so you wouldn't take such perverse pleasure in ratting on this guy.

    Finally, RICO sounds like a woman scorned......check that, he sound slike a granola, tree hugging, woman scorned!

    Posted by What's with women and their love of drama? June 30, 09 01:16 PM
  1. You don't know him, other than this one evening. You most definitely don't know her. She is the LAST person you should contact. (Sorry Rico - you are dead WRONG on contacting the fiancee!)

    An Email to him (if you can get his address) should be short and sweet. Tell him you're aware of his impending nuptials, and you think he's a dog for trying to hook up with you prior to his own wedding, and that his fiancee doesn't deserve to be treated like that.

    Otherwise? Stay out of it. It's not your business. The people to speak with are your friends, who do know him. They must have known he is engaged. Why would your friends, if they *are* friends, put you in this position?

    Posted by Linda June 30, 09 01:17 PM
  1. I hope my comment is seen amidst all of these.... ABSOLUTELY TELL HER. IF the man cheated on his fiance, then HE CANNOT BE TRUSTED if you go to him FIRST. He will scheme up something else.... trust me! A cheater is a liar and is thus a manipulator and sneaky. Absolutely tell the girl. And get your friends to be witnesses... she won't want to believe it. UGH!

    Posted by Laurie June 30, 09 01:18 PM
  1. I don't think telling her will help. A similiar sitution happend to me. When I was in my early 20's I had met this guy at a bar. We started dating and were dating for about 6 months. I met his family, he met mine. Went out with friends. It was not a serious relationship and I knew he was dating other people. One day I saw his truck at a bar, so I stopped in just to say hi on my way out to a club. His face went blank and I stated "oh, u are w/ someone?" I left.. got out to my car and this woman comes flying out of the bar ready to kill me. She was screaming Who are u and how do u know "bob"? I said we have been dating for 6 months. She let me know they had been together for over three years. I told her I had no idea, he had a girlfriend, but she was still going to kill me.. Oh, mean while the chicken stayed in the bar and looked out the window.. They stayed together for another year. She had caught him red handed and still blamed me. I say stay out of it. I am sure he will slip up all on his own.

    Posted by patriotsrule01 June 30, 09 01:19 PM
  1. More news: When perusing today's LL comments with co-workers on conference room PC, laughed so hard at Valentino's haiku, milk came out my nose. Judging from reaction, guys do not want this.

    Posted by Sally June 30, 09 01:19 PM
  1. i agree with michael.

    as a guy, i will say that i'd be devastated if someone did that to me (ratted me out) and i'm sure i'd blubber on all kinds of excuses to my fiance ("i wasn't interested", "it was my bachelor party and i was drunk", "there was some flirting but i never really asked her to have sex with me, it was innocent", etc. etc.). but i'd DESERVE it is the point. i don't take off my wedding band when i'm out, and i don't cheat...for guys that do, you're taking the risk that you get caught and ruin your entire life (divorce, etc.).

    If this woman decided to tell the fiance, i wouldn't blame her at all and i feel it's well within her rights to do so. if she chooses to email the guy - i liked that suggestion by meredith - that's fine too. she automatically gets put in that position of power once she finds out that this guy is lying to her, and she's not a psycho, bi**h, whatever other name you want to call her just for bringing the truth to light.

    and yes - really - i'm a guy.

    Posted by PF June 30, 09 01:19 PM
  1. i agree with michael.

    as a guy, i will say that i'd be devastated if someone did that to me (ratted me out) and i'm sure i'd blubber on all kinds of excuses to my fiance ("i wasn't interested", "it was my bachelor party and i was drunk", "there was some flirting but i never really asked her to have sex with me, it was innocent", etc. etc.). but i'd DESERVE it is the point. i don't take off my wedding band when i'm out, and i don't cheat...for guys that do, you're taking the risk that you get caught and ruin your entire life (divorce, etc.).

    If this woman decided to tell the fiance, i wouldn't blame her at all and i feel it's well within her rights to do so. if she chooses to email the guy - i liked that suggestion by meredith - that's fine too. she automatically gets put in that position of power once she finds out that this guy is lying to her, and she's not a psycho, bi**h, whatever other name you want to call her just for bringing the truth to light.

    and yes - really - i'm a guy.

    Posted by PF June 30, 09 01:19 PM
  1. Mind your own business. For you, it was hurtful to meet a man who was not real about his situation. Good news is...you didn't go any further with him. Don't spend another second thinking about this loser. Use your experience to empower you in your next choice of a guy and continue to be careful. Good luck. I hope you find a great guy.

    Posted by Married a Great Guy but met some real losers! June 30, 09 01:20 PM
  1. I want to take a sec to defend the writer. I don't think she was snooping - the invite was probably on the fridge or something..... if she was suspicious or curious, i'd have done the same thing & checked out the website. Plus, i think its natural to want to lash-out in some way at the guy & inform the bride. But - she/bride probably won't believe you - i'm sure he'll come up with a story to make it sound harmless & for you to look like the crazy-chick. you may feel like you're doing a good deed but you may get back more than you bargained for.

    Now... next time, don't be so stupid to go home w/ friggin strangers! This is NOT the worst thing that could've happened!!!

    Posted by polly21 June 30, 09 01:20 PM
  1. Just walk away...it's not your problem. Ask yourself this question; Is the reason you want to tell her to save her or for revenge on him for being duped? You don't know either of them, and know nothing of their situation. So save yourself any further embarrassment and let it be.

    Posted by whatever June 30, 09 01:21 PM
  1. I think this broad is totally retarded. I mean, if the guy went 5-hole and then gave her a rusty trombone/dirty Sanchez, that would be cheating -- but as far as I can tell, the broad showed up his place looking for the high hard one and left with nothing and is now complaining about it. Drop 35lbs and put on your "I Love Balls in My Face" t-shirt and maybe next time the guy will take the tugboat to tuna-town.

    GFY

    Posted by Bingtown June 30, 09 01:22 PM
  1. The poor, deluded bride probably "knows" her fiancé about as well as Philip Markoff's foolish fiancée "knew" him. And you don't know HER, so telling her could backfire and make a lot of trouble for you. Remember how Markoff's fiancée mouthed off to the press and the police? It took a lot of physical evidence to bring her around. There's a chance this bride will deny your story in the same way, and try to blame you for everything on top of it.

    Unfortunately, you can't always help people with their messed-up relationships, even when they need it most. Better to stay out of it and be glad you didn't get further involved.

    Posted by Elle June 30, 09 01:22 PM
  1. Who cares? So, they guy wanted to have sex with a good looking woman. Shoot him, maybe his fiancee doesn't care and their relationship is bigger than an orgasm. This girl should shut up and move on or she should of had casual sex and moved on. Stop trying to save other peoples lives and enjoy your own.

    Posted by bluefox70 June 30, 09 01:23 PM
  1. Who would you be helping if you kept this to yourself?

    The fiancee may not want to hear it and she may get angry, take it out on you, or make you a sworn enemy, but somewhere down the road she'll figure out the truth. You'd only be helping her out by telling her. The truth hurts, but it's liberating.

    Posted by Kate June 30, 09 01:23 PM
  1. I think this broad is totally retarded. I mean, if the guy went 5-hole and then gave her a rusty trombone/dirty Sanchez, that would be cheating -- but as far as I can tell, the broad showed up his place looking for the high hard one and left with nothing and is now complaining about it. Drop 35lbs and put on your "I Love Balls in My Face" t-shirt and maybe next time the guy will take the tugboat to tuna-town.

    GFY

    Posted by Bingtown June 30, 09 01:23 PM
  1. Ummm - first, grow up. If you suspected that the invitation was for his wedding, then you didn't really need to become Scooby-Doo to try to catch old man Harrison in a groom's costume. You could have just written him off as a jerk and realized that your friends can be friends with people you don't happen to like.

    Second - I don't think that it's all that uncommon for people to get a bit scared before a wedding takes place and do all kinds of things out of character. How many times have we heard of the bride or groom sleeping with the stripper at the bachelor/bachelorette party? Those same people, many of them anyway, go on to have perfectly happy marriages. You have nothing to report to anyone anyway, as to your knowledge, he did not have sex with anyone. Nobody will be served by your puerile need to tell on someone. Just take note of your judgement of his character and move on with your own life. It's really simple.

    Posted by Knotdefined June 30, 09 01:24 PM
  1. #184 nails it.

    I gave up commenting on Ms. Goldstein's column after the first couple of weeks since besides having a blatantly sexist streak that really comes out in a hit piece like this, she just doesn't get one of the great basic concepts of being an advice columnist: she forgets so often that she's hearing only one side of the story.

    I have utterly no idea what kind of relationship the engaged couple have. Neither do any of the readers. Neither does Ms. Goldstein. Maybe they're in an open relationship. Maybe the wedding had been called off. Maybe she got it wrong. Got me.

    I do know that you don't put yourself in the middle of a mess unless you have to be in it. To decide to bond with all women everywhere and email-disembowel men who might be thinking of cheating - who knows, he might have stopped if it had come to that point - does precisely that if there'd normally be no further contact.

    Now, if he tries to pursue this girl, or tries to pursue a friend that she knows...entirely different story. Then confrontation is appropriate, along with informing a second party of his other commitments. That's a proper response to someone who is quite likely doing something he shouldn't, because then it involves her directly.

    Until then though, again - why is this your business? Think that through an awful lot before you do a moral superiority dance.

    Posted by Dan M June 30, 09 01:24 PM
  1. Some of us have class, some of us don't . . . don't marry the guy, he's a loser,
    I've never cheated on anyone in my entire life, and I'm 54 yrs old . . . if you need it that bad, you break up, and move along, simple as that. This guy won't last 2 years, then she'll take him for everything on the way out and she deserves it, and so does he :-)

    Posted by whatevuh June 30, 09 01:24 PM
  1. Wow, lots of good comments from other readers. I’ve never had so many conflicting responses after reading one of these love letters.

    My first response - Good for you for having enough sympathy to want to reach out to the bride.

    Second response - Love “Jeff’s” idea of setting up another email address and then forwarding on the guy’s response. Great strategy!

    Third response – Then I read “seen too much’s” response. You could be walking into a thicket that you don’t want to end up in. Do you really want to be getting involved with someone else’s business? Could end up like Jerry Springer (hence the need for the new email address). And is there a chance you could end up seeing this guy/his friends again, even just on the street or through mutual acquaintances?

    Fourth response – Then I read Merilisa’s post and felt terribly sad and scared for the bride. So now I’m back to Jeff’s idea.

    Couple red flags – first, the guy STILL asked for your number after the party was over in the morning. So it wasn’t just “dumb drunk” talking but a real life liar. Plus, where were his buddies through all this? Sounds like they weren't looking out for him – double sketchiness. Friends do not let friends do stupid things one month before their wedding.

    Good luck!

    Posted by Marina June 30, 09 01:25 PM
  1. I'll bet the Craigslist's guy's fiancee wishes someone had told her something.........

    Posted by Kathy June 30, 09 01:26 PM
  1. why would his friends say anything. guys have to stick together. And who here actually believes she didnt do anything? Im sure she told him shes never done that before too. haha. and by the way his future wife wasn't there? sounds to me like she was getting some too.

    Posted by wesley80 June 30, 09 01:27 PM
  1. Email him tell him "wow ,what a small world.. U ran into an old friend and it is the same girl that is getting married. Tell him she invited you to the wedding and ask him if he does not have a date yet, maybe you can go together.."

    Posted by patriotsrule01 June 30, 09 01:28 PM
  1. Not your business. Leave it alone and get over it.

    Posted by Maureen June 30, 09 01:28 PM
  1. Related sidenote -- the original story sounds like it is worded very carefully to the point of being incomplete. She went home with him and had "no sex" is not the same as saying nothing happened. There's a good chance "no sex" here meets a lot of people's definition of sex.

    Posted by mcd June 30, 09 01:29 PM
  1. I would make up a gmail account, email her with as much detail as possible. Let her know you don't want to be in the middle but you would want to me made aware of your fiance cheating if it were to happen. Don't give her your name or anything like that, don't even sign the email. Chances are, this chick is in denial and has been for a while. I'm sure she has had her suspicions in the past and probably will brush it off, but this way you'll feel better about yourself knowing you didn't let it go un-noticed. Once you tell her your conscience is clear and what she does with it is her deal. Chances are she'll believe him, but thats not your problem. I'd just watch out for what the guy will do to try and retaliate. Hopefully he'll be too busy trying to save his marriage to give a sh-t, but you never know! Be careful!

    Posted by Ack617 June 30, 09 01:29 PM
  1. Tough moral question, no single clear-cut right answer. Doing nothing is probably the safest option for you, but it sounds like you may feel afterwards like you'd done something wrong by not alerting the bride. Emailing either the bride or groom to be is risky (as others here have pointed out) and may put you in more of a dicey position than it's worth to you.

    Were it my call, I'd probably say to do nothing and move on. It will leave you with an empty feeling, but it doesn't seem worthwhile to expose yourself to more risk over someone who (from the sounds of it) is just going to deceive their way into someone else's trust (if not his current fiancee's, then someone else down the road).

    Posted by Terminater5 June 30, 09 01:29 PM
  1. I just wish someone told me my ex-wife was a lowlife angry delusional bi-polar freak before the wedding. Could have saved me a fortune. She didn't cheat on me with a guy but she lied to me about her drinking and smoking which in my mind is just as bad.

    After her I must have slept with 30-50 women and lost track of names and faces of them. many of them were "happily married" or in a "relationship" while they were spreading their legs for me.

    Cheating comes in all shapes sizes and sexes and also comes in different ways as well.

    I have photo's and video of some to remind me of the good old days and also just in case I need to protect myself. I bet I could sell them on the internet and make some money back that I lost on the ex wife.

    TELL HER

    Posted by I slept with CB in Glouscester June 30, 09 01:30 PM
  1. I know you feel bad...back a few years ago, I would have been racking my brain and it would have obsessed my thoughts. But the truth of the matter is, some people don't really know each other when they get married.

    Example one: I have an ex woman friend who became a chamileon when it came to men and she became whatever she thought they wanted. If they loved dogs, she did. She hated Gin for years but now loves it because she married an English man. I knew the real her, I knew the slut in her and even though I accepted her for her insecure, screwed up self, I was ousted from her life once she found the man she thought was appropriate to marry. I knew too much. She will inevitably cheat on him eventually...you can only hold back your own true nature for so long.

    Example two: My ex boyfriend of 3 months…he was a screwed up dude. We slept together for 7 years while he dated other women (I realize this makes me screwed up). I tried to point out to him numerous times that “she wasn’t right” but he continued to say they were regardless of the fact he needed me to supplement his other relationships. He is married now…we no longer sleep together but it is another doomed relationship. He has changed himself to be someone else, he does things he used to hate and it isn’t compromise it just isn’t HIM, he has done 180 on his outlook and opinions. His reason for getting married was that all of his friends were, and it was time.

    Example three: My long term ex and I broke up. I did the breaking, I never cheated on him but the thought of cheating and being with someone more exciting was becoming too hard to resist. After we broke up, he went back to all of his old habits. He was die hard vegetarian and started eating hardcore meat (and I never asked him to). He faked his way into my beliefs, he let me do all the thinking, the decisions…he changed for me and that was the last thing I wanted. I felt more like a parent that a girlfriend. That ultimately is what made him boring.

    Example four: The guy who went around killing/tying up women from Craiglist in the Boston area and his fiancé stood by him and said he was such a great man and couldn’t have done all those things…

    Some people will only see what they want to see. Women almost always hate women and if you try to warn her, you will be the enemy and spiteful B*TCH whether she believes you or not. I once told my ex-boyfriend’s girlfriend that she was better off without him, and it wasn’t that there was anything wrong with her – it was him that was screwed up. I thought that was what I would have liked to hear. I got months of flack and people don’t talk to me anymore because I thought I was doing something nice. Her complaint was – she didn’t want to be reminded he had been with other women. You can’t win.

    In your case, if the fiancé doesn’t know the kind of man she is marrying – she probably has been missing the signs for months/years. Even if you meet her years from now and tell her that story she may say she wished you told her – but I kind of doubt that is the truth. Unless you have an established relationship with someone and there is trust then there could be a dialogue. Otherwise let people live and make their own mistakes, they have to learn from them. And as I have learned from my mistakes…you must learn your own – do what you will, but I would let it be. Yeah she might get divorced in a year but perhaps that was what she needed to find out for herself.

    Posted by pookie June 30, 09 01:32 PM
  1. I agree that the email will do nothing, the fiancee will let him convince herself. Speaking from experience...my ex cheated on his now fiancee with me several times and still to this day 4 years after we broke up still tells me he misses me when we bump into each other. SCUMBAG. I have told this other girl and she is still marrying him this fall. Granted he is my ex initially, but he cheated on me just the same as he did to her with me and probably still does with other women. The woman never wants to believe that the man she is in love with would do that to her or that he doesnt want her. End of story. Guarantee it will bring turmoil to your life and its just not worth it.

    Posted by Anonymous June 30, 09 01:33 PM
  1. To pretend it's not even his wedding? And his pushing for action upon a first meeting? He's a total con.The woman he's marrying is being conned. That's not to deny that many people have some polygamous tendencies and may truly care for and want the person they are cheating on, but this guy just seems to be up to no good. He's all about the action.

    Posted by jenny June 30, 09 01:34 PM
  1. As a guy who's had his fair share of "fun" in this world of dating, I gotta say that "fun" (and by fun, I mean random hookups) should really only happen when both people are exactly on the same page and honest about intentions.

    That said...

    This guy is an ass and will likely give his future wife some type of STD if he hasn't already. When I had my fun, I did it respectfully, honestly and without hurting anyone else. This guy is making guys like me look bad and should, therefore, be beaten repeatedly in the private area. I say email her. And consider yourself lucky you didn't sleep with him.

    Posted by Boston guy June 30, 09 01:34 PM
  1. Cheaters really Stink--male or female! I've known both. If you're not happy...just leave. Don't rip a persons heart out.

    Posted by :( June 30, 09 01:35 PM
  1. email his fiancee and describe her exactly what his apartment looks like (especially his bedroom if you made it there) so you have some sort of credibility if you decide to tell her the truth

    Posted by brucejames June 30, 09 01:36 PM
  1. There is no easy answer here, but I have been on the other end of this situation and I say TELL HER.
    Do not assume the bride-to-be will not believe you. I was denying the obvious and all it took was one phone call from the "other woman" to get me to wake up and dump my ex. Nothing my friends or family could have said would have made me leave the bad relationship, but a total stranger saved me from making the biggest mistake of my life.
    No, it's not your problem but someone might thank you later.

    Posted by E from Boston June 30, 09 01:38 PM
  1. Well then Dr. Math, your wife must've cut your balls off when you tied the knot.

    I'm a woman- I know I can't expect my husband to deny himself of what's in his DNA for the rest of his entire life.

    Some men perhaps are a little bit more "nesters" than the 'hunters' that women typically go for. THUS my 99% and 1%.

    All I'm trying to say, is any man that's not one of those sensitive 'hug me' types if given the opportunity will partake in a quick meaningless lay, and have it be completely seperate from the 'love' they have for their "woman at home"

    Women need to make a choice- either be with a testosterone filled guy or a hug me type a la John Henry. :)

    Posted by Get over it June 30, 09 01:38 PM
  1. Boy, this story makes me sad. I would like to think this sort of thing ended with highschool. I have absolutely NO problem with a guy dating lots of women....... but then DON'T tell one woman you are in a committed relationship let alone be engaged. I feel for the woman who discoverd this and I can see where she would want to inform the bride-to-be...... because she is being disrespected and should know what she is getting into. I just feel the information coming from a third party stranger would most likely be taken as an attempt to sabbotage a really perfect relationship (denial)....... I feel strongly this is where her TRUE FRIENDS should step up to the plat enad and tellher what a JERK this guy is.

    Posted by Linda Wasiak June 30, 09 01:40 PM
  1. Consider your own safety before proceeding. Not all guys are nutcases, but if you involve yourself here you could be putting yourself at risk.

    Perhaps the best thing would be to create an anonymous email and send a warning to the bride. And in that email, suggest that if she doesn't believe you that she should set up a "sting" with someone her groom-to-be doesn't know to see if he'll take the bait. That leaves it up to her how far she's willing to go to find out the truth.

    Posted by Am I #10,000? June 30, 09 01:41 PM
  1. Oh yeah, those who are claiming that this is only a man thing; I dated a woman for six months before I got suspicious that something odd was up, turned out she had a live-in boyfriend. Perhaps I should have been more suspicious that we almost never went to her place (and NEVER slept there). In retrospect, I think it was more comfortable for me in my own bed, so I had blinders on...

    But still, the point is that women are just as capable of this kind of behavior as men.

    Posted by monkeycaller June 30, 09 01:41 PM
  1. Open up an anonymous e-mail account.

    Send her.. and him... a link...

    ...to this page. Let them figure it out

    Posted by Monty June 30, 09 01:42 PM
  1. Think of all the money that the divorce will burn through if she finds this out after mid-july instead of before. Think of the embarrassment she'll suffer having to tell everyone that she's getting divorecd because she found him cheating (which she eventually will, why not now?).

    Also consider the fact that some of the people posting here that you should stay out of it might very well be that guy, trying to keep his bride from finding out.

    You can help someone here, take the opportunity. She DESERVES to know. How do you posters that say "she knows what kind of guy he is already, stay out of it" know that she knows? He fooled the LW, he's probably fooling the bride to be as well.

    And lastly, please update us!

    Posted by laurahere June 30, 09 01:42 PM
  1. Do nothing. Delete this guy and this drama from your life. Unless you know the bride. Just walk away and move on with your life.

    Posted by MoveOn June 30, 09 01:43 PM
  1. Hoss - it isn't snooping if it's public info - a lot of wedding websites are public, if this one wasn't and she hacked in somehow, then yeah that would be snooping. It wouldn't be that hard to remember "jackandjillswedding.com" or whatever. I've been out of the dating world for a little while now, BUT I totally Googled people I was dating or looked them up on their company websites... just to make sure they were who they said they were.... just sayin'....not snoopin', just lookin'.... and I wasn't one of the "wanna be do-gooders" - I recommended she email HIM - more of a 'hey, f you' kinda thing is what I would write. No he didn't ACTUALLY cheat, but from what she said, he asked her to have sex with him and wanted her phone number. Do you ask for a woman's phone number - who you picked up in a bar - if you're about to be married? Yeah you could say she lied about parts of this, but who really knows... I just take the letters at face value otherwise there wouldn't be any point in commenting at all.

    Posted by bumbly-bee June 30, 09 01:45 PM
  1. "Also, what is up with guys?"

    Women cheat as much as men do. Remember this when you're cheating on your next boyfriend/husband.

    Posted by libraryman2 June 30, 09 01:46 PM
  1. I had a relationship with a man and broke up after several years; we then became friends with benefits and had the best relationship ever, got along really well, etc. He apparently had started dating someone while we were together, and during the time we were broken up. She became pregnant and they had plans to marry apparently. He still was sleeping with me and I didn't know. When I found out I called her best friend -- who was also good friends with my ex -- and proceeded to tell her every detail, including the fact that AFTER he told me the girlfriend (who was about 40) was pregnant he and I had sex (ok, I figured it might be a long time). I then went to his chiropractic office and sprinkled perfume on the carpeting and all over his raincoat. I had such satisfaction being tacky. I knew he had to go home smelling like that. I have been happily married to someone FAR superior to him for the past 8 years! My husband and I still love the story !!!

    Posted by LaurenPEI June 30, 09 01:46 PM
  1. The guy is a jerk. Their relationship either has problems now or will soon have them. Leave them alone. Be patient and do not get yourself into a situation where you will feel guilty in any way later on. You should feel great you stuck to your guns and did nto go any further with this guy.

    And, to the 'what's up with guys' question: this man's behavior is not typical. A few bad apples spoil the rest of the bunch. Most men do not cheat like this. He may have his own emotional problems or maybe his relationship with his fiancee is not open, honest or fun and they have a terrible sex life. Part of a successful relationship needs to have the open and honesty about one's sexual preferences and needs. My sense is that if he were happy at home, he would not be doing this. But its all speculation. Maybe she is cheating on him, too?

    Bottom line is that this guy and woman are in for a treat. It's going to be painful and sad unless they are swingers. Stay out of it. You have nothing to gain. You did what was best for you and you should keep your chin up for sticking to your guns

    I hope our 250 opinions on this matter help bring some concensus for you ;-P Good luck.


    Posted by TT June 30, 09 01:46 PM
  1. I dont think anyone has brought this up yet but its strange that this woman referred to this guy as "nice, funny, attractive in all the right ways" and adds that he just casually asked her for sex on their first date. Do women not have a radar in their heads that says, "if a guy asks me for sex on the first date hes probably a perv, jerk, loser, or all of the above?" I wouldnt classify him as "nice, funny, attractive in all the right ways." If this woman didnt find the wedding invitation she would have went on a second date with the guy who asked her for sex on the first date. Anyone find this dumb besides me?

    Posted by Matt June 30, 09 01:47 PM
  1. 131's "What Should I Do" haiku made me spit my tea all over my keyboard. That's the best post so far in this forum. Thanks for a laugh!

    Posted by Kathleen June 30, 09 01:48 PM
  1. You know what? I say tell the bride. If I were in her situation I would really want to know.

    Posted by Tricia June 30, 09 01:48 PM
  1. Got anything else to do? Besides going out of your way to lay some kind of payback on a guy who was apparently attractive to you but turned out to be unavailable except for sex?

    Who are these people to you? How do you know that the female half of this relationship hasn't had her own innings in the same kind of game? What dog do you have in this fight, anyway?

    Posted by davess23 June 30, 09 01:49 PM
  1. I think we need to look at FACTS: He is just doubling up and trying not to get caught. He maybe a good liar, but the truth ALWAYS comes out. I feel bad for the woman who thought there could have been something more, when in fact she was probably just another number in a “little black book” or maybe he was going to try and lead a double life, If his marriage didn’t work out, he could always go to her. A lot of people think that way today. I don’t agree with it, but it’s done more often then you think.

    He will get caught and it will end badly for him. His wife will be devastated because she, like a good wife will have trusted her husband to be just with her. Well I a wise man once said: “Never hide the past from the future or the future from the past, because some where along the path of life, these two things will cross and it will end in nothing good for anyone”

    Not all guys are like this; you just need to meet the right one. Where and how? Well that’s still a mystery to a lot of people. Bars and Clubs that never leads to anything good, Online dating, well that’s like posting a job resume. If you get a response great, if not you keep sending it out. Don’t give up yet cause if you do that you may miss out on a great person that you could of met and been happy with.

    Posted by tommy June 30, 09 01:50 PM
  1. "What wrong with guys"? Didn't you go back to his place and spend the night?

    Posted by Anonymous June 30, 09 01:51 PM
  1. Personally, I would e-mail her anonymously (new e-mail address). She might not believe you, but plant the seed of doubt. She might already have some doubts, but just figures that she's being silly.

    I would do it anonymously because I imagine the dirtbag has done this before so he won't know it was you. If I were really, really brave - I would just send her a link to this article/thread saying, "Just so you know - this thread is about you."

    Posted by veggirl June 30, 09 01:52 PM
  1. #152 & #162 are the SMARTEST two Posts of the day! Bravo! Bravo!!!

    Posted by DudeGuyKidDudeGuy666 June 30, 09 01:52 PM
  1. Oh yes, this woman has a moral obligation to inform the bride. Just describe her wedding invitation. Then the bride will sadly know this is no hoax. I saw a similar situation first hand; it breaks your heart to see a duped bride. This lovely girl was recovering from a horrible tragedy. She was thrilled to find love, then plan her beautiful wedding. As the big day got closer, the groom become moody, cool, withdrawn. At the rehearsal dinner and wedding, the groom, his rotten ushers and family were uninvolved, never cracked a smile. The bride and her family were thrilled with the happy day! Several months later, the bride learned that the groom had a girlfriend during the courtship and wedding. He even purchased a gift for his fellow cheat during the honeymoon. His cowardly family, friends and ushers knew the truth, yet none did the honorable thing and informed the bride. She had a right to know of the betrayal. Lately she has been ill and is awaiting HIV results. That may be all she has to show for the marriage which should never have taken place. So please save this woman's life. Tell her that the groom-to-be in a cheat. What she does with that information is up to her, but shielding her from the truth helps no one. You may just save her life and that of her future children. Do the right thing, I beg you!

    Posted by nv June 30, 09 01:53 PM
  1. The invite (in his friend's kitchen) had to be for his friend. No one sends a wedding invitation to themselves at another's address. Odd. It seems, however, that his friends are complicit in your dalliance. I wonder if any of them will alert the bride. Friends helping friends stick together. It's totally male to say myob. For many, this is about gender control. Where's the bride's advocate?

    Posted by val June 30, 09 01:53 PM
  1. I haven't sifted through all the 200+ comments here but I say stay out of it. It's none of your damn business. You have no idea what their relationship is like--for all you know they have agreed to an open relationship. You don't know the bride, you don't even know the groom that well and this isn't your business--it's not up to you to ruin, save, or complicate their relationship.

    What do you really expect to achieve by doing this? Relieving yourself of guilt of almost sleeping with him? Trying to save her from hurt and heartache? Ruining his life? Whatever is is, just forget about it and leave well enough alone.

    Posted by KCinCA June 30, 09 01:53 PM
  1. He simply wanted some free nookie before marriage. What is so wrong with that? And yes, she should tell the bride-to-be, but she should tell her in person so the bride-to-be can laugh in her face.

    Posted by JarydMarshall June 30, 09 01:54 PM
  1. Just walk away. You're not a player in their relationship . . . not a friend of the bride nor, really, the groom. They need to sort this out in their own way, in their own time, even if that ends up being painful and ugly for the bride. Sometimes life is. You can't change that. You don't really know enough about anybody involved to get involved. Walk away, and when you get engaged to a guy down the line, if he reminds you of this guy then you'll know to be suspicious. This is NOT like walking by someone lying on the ground bleeding, because you really would be in a position to help someone lying on the ground bleeding, but right now you can't be sure whether your getting involved would be harmful or helpful, because you just don't know enough about the situation.

    Posted by CambridgeDayandNight June 30, 09 01:55 PM
  1. I would do nothing, if only to protect yourself. Say you contact him or his fiancee and ruin the wedding. You have just pissed off guy who may or may not be a psychopath for all that you know about him. Sounds like the plot for a bad made-for-TV movie in the making.

    Posted by egomaniac June 30, 09 01:56 PM
  1. coming from a female, who has been in the bride to be's place - TELL HER. I was grateful I didn't get myself in a marriage with a cheater, liar, and scumbag. He shouldn't be getting married if he is looking to hook up.

    Think of all the money, grief and possibly children you are saving her from in the future, which if he is cheating, that mean's he isn't happy, which only mean't it'll inevitably end up in divorce anyways. men are stupid

    Posted by Jillian June 30, 09 01:57 PM
  1. "what is up with guys?" .....translation: I'm a man hating feminazi ----

    Posted by realist June 30, 09 01:57 PM
  1. You should confront him, his wife, your mom, her mom, his mom, his dog, her cat, anyone you can get your hands on. Post it everywhere...post it on eletric poles, billboards, craigslist, local classifieds, coffee shops, ebay, yahoo, google, boston.com. Contact the police department, the US President, FBI, CIA, DEA, NATO, NASA. Then after you're done and tired from doing all of this, you should go on with your life...BTW, don't blame the man, blame the game.

    Posted by YMeee June 30, 09 01:57 PM
  1. Not your place to tell her. Walk away and let it go.

    Posted by msg813 June 30, 09 02:00 PM
  1. None of your business, stay out of it.

    Posted by CeltsFanFromDaGahden June 30, 09 02:01 PM
  1. Rico regrets to have to post this additional comment/question so late but here goes:

    The writer today has left out some very VERY important information for Rico to be passing judgement and advice. First of all What did happen that night at this person's home? You said no sex but Rico is curious what actually happened. Lets assume it was flirting and you blew this way out of proportion then this guy could be getting a raw deal, or maybe he was just playing along for fun without any intentions at all to be with you. On the other hand Rico assumed that no sex meant basically everything but the actual intercourse which is still totally wrong and he deserves to be ratted out to his fiance'. Was there kissing? Touching? Clothing removed? What really happened that made you write in for Rico and others to comment on?

    So please for the sake of Rico getting this right and other readers understanding the whole story tell us what actually happened that night. Did you say no to sex because it was the first time you met him or because you felt he was a sleaze or was it lack of birth control or some other reason? Rico thinks it is important to know since what you may think was cheating it may actually have been something altogether different. Rico thinks his first answers were correct and the guy was a cheat and trying to cheat with you but just for the sake of full disclosure Rico wants the whole story.

    Thank you and have a great afternoon...Love always,

    Rico

    Posted by Rico June 30, 09 02:01 PM
  1. Okay, couldn't read all 239 comments, but the original story is not that clear to me:
    #1 - you "met" him? Like, how? In a bar, you started dating? Different situations carry different weight, like, if he is a coworker...
    #2 - your friends and his friends went all out together - did you two go out as a couple? Are you implying all of his friends are in it too? Then you say you stayed until morning, and then the four of you laughed over coffee. The four of you? So, one friend on your side and one friend on his side?

    In any case, it doesn't sound like this guy is an honest type, and I am not trying to put guilt on anyone else, but I do think that there are details that are omitted, and those could change the whole picture drastically.

    Posted by dr June 30, 09 02:05 PM
  1. First, be honest, did you have your period? Who stays up all night talking and giggling and obviously doing plenty of other groping and tongue kissing action without having sex? It's like you wanted to make sure he would call- so what really is the issue here? Are you just angry because you thought he could be the one? Only to find out, as usual, you are not that special and guys really don't like you for more than your boinkability and appearance that it could happen within 24 hours of meeting you? Face it, you give off a vibe. Guys have a radar for sluts, and it normally isn't very far off.
    Before we judge him, the poor guy who is about to wind up with a bride who is about to let a whole lot of body parts start to grow and hang, let's judge you. How many other times have you wound up doing the wobbly H only to find him not calling... ever again.... despite your silly random flirty texts to keep it from seeming like you are completely clingy (see: Webster's unpublished but true definition of women) and one more one night stand away from becoming a crazy cat lady?
    Smart men are evil and fantastic at revenge. If you email HER you are going to be in a world of pain. Awful idea. Send him an email. He will literally crap his pants on the spot and try to do and say whatever it takes to keep you from blabbing to his fiancee. So yes, I am playing both sides of the fence here. You are awful, but use it to your advantage. Make him work for it. Pretend like you already emailed her, maybe that way he will end up admitting it to her without you having to do anything after all. But don't do this because you were duped again. It wasn't the first guy you were a total c**k tease for that had a girlfriend, and it certainly won't be the last.

    Posted by DMONEY June 30, 09 02:06 PM
  1. You don't know him well enough to know that he's a serial cheater. Could have been the booze (how much was involved?). Might have been you. (HOW hot are you?) Could be that he's freaking. (Marriage is scary.) ... And you don't know her AT ALL. For all you know, she might have been shacking up with some other guy that very same night.

    I'd leave it alone.

    Posted by CPThree June 30, 09 02:06 PM
  1. I want to say tell the bride but in reality it will be a mistake. Not because she needs to know (OF COURSE SHE DOES) but because you will be tossed into the center of it all. You met this guy one night, you do not know what the real deal is. Bottom line, he'll know it is you that emails his fiance and I'm sure he won't be pleased. It is very easy to find out personal info through various online sites (I can think of 3 sites already that give name, address and phone numbers out for free) and could find out where you live in 5 minutes of searching. What if he makes you a life-long target if you mess with his life and impending wedding - can you deal with that? Once a cheater always a cheater, his fiance knows but lives in a sure state of denial with blinders on. Maybe this would be a great wake up call for her, maybe she wouldn' believe you, maybe she would then forgive him for about the 100th time - you don't know. But what you should know is that retaliation is almost a guarentee so before you act, think about the consequences for all 3 of your lives and especially your safety.

    Posted by toosketchytoobother June 30, 09 02:09 PM
  1. I agree with everyone who says leave it alone. Stay out of it, honey. It is not your business, it is not your battle, and you have absolutely no relationship with this couple. If the bride was your friend, then absolutely. But considering you don't even know her, nor do you know this guy you met for ONE night, walk far far away and stop stressing out about it. How do you know she isn't exactly the same? How do you know what the guy is thinking or whether he acts this way regularly? If you were dating him on the side, or he tried to pursue you further, I could see the concern. You do not have enough information about these people and you do not know them. Let them solve their own problems.

    Posted by Oh No June 30, 09 02:12 PM
  1. what's up with guys?
    I am a guy and respond:
    1. there are no generalities, please dont use generalities, they dont exist.
    2. you never hear about the guys who are faithful, they aren't interesting or juicy stories.
    3. I am faithful, married many years.
    4. I messed around before I got married.
    5. I recommend to anyone who wants to be unfaithful:
    leave your relationship first, mess around second.
    6. have respect for yourself and your partner.

    Posted by duke June 30, 09 02:12 PM
  1. yes tell the bride - I would feel to guilty if I didn't say anything. Truth is always better.

    Posted by Anonymous June 30, 09 02:14 PM
  1. If I were the fiancee, I'd want to know. Anybody who tells you to mind your own business is just sympathetic to that kind of deception. The way I'd approach it is to describe the evening in detail in order to establish some credibility, then say that you will not initiate any more contact with either of them unless she contacts you first. That gives her an "out" if she doesn't believe you or doesn't want you involved.

    Posted by Andy June 30, 09 02:14 PM
  1. No need to tell her, she probably already knows and is just in denial about it and is too obsessed with her pretend perfect life and arranging a perfect wedding to cover up her insecurities and unhappiness. I mean how can she not know, she can't be a complete idiot if it only took you a few hours to figure it out?! No need to tell the fiance, she should have taken the time to get to know who she was marrying before planning a wedding.

    Posted by Anonymous June 30, 09 02:14 PM
  1. dont contact, thats just hard on the fiance

    Posted by john June 30, 09 02:14 PM
  1. Unless you have an incriminating photo, nothing you could email her would have much effect. Few women are going to dump their fiancee based on an email from a stranger, and the guy could probably squirm out of any confrontation that arises. You'd only get through to her if you met her in person and convinced her of the truth. And I doubt that you really want to do that.

    Emailing HIM is perhaps the worst Idea I have ever heard. "Hey Dave, just so you know, I now have a secret that could destroy your life. Take care." I can see where that might not end well.

    Posted by MervG June 30, 09 02:14 PM
  1. I've read thru the first 50 or so comments, and there are some precious lines, LOL. I like "You should send an email to yourself asking why you go to randam guys houses after a night of drinking." the most.
    As for my own feelings, "does anyone really care about this crap.. if so, why?" pretty much covered it. Of course, I DID read through all those comments, so I guess my excuse is that I was bored and wanted some entertainment, LOL.

    And here's the one that made me smile the most! "To all of you people who say "leave it alone". You're probably the ones who are on your way to work and pass by a person lying on the street staring needing medical attention."
    GMAFB, as IF this situation comes even close to the comparison trying to be drawn!

    Posted by David June 30, 09 02:16 PM
  1. Speaking as someone who was cheated on, don't tell her. Coming from a complete stranger, the information will be worse than meaningless. People figure this kind of thing out when they're ready, and not before. If he has been that obvious in his cheating, she already has enough information to put the puzzle together and figure it out. His friends saw what happened and they are the ones with an obligation to tell, not you. She will listen to and believe them, not you. Besides, you didn't sleep with him, so you really have nothing to report. You may think he would have, but you don't *know* it - he might have chickened out at the last minute.

    I like Meredith's idea of sending him an email, though. It is a "shot across his bow," a reminder that his behavior has consequences. Who knows, when his bride IS ready to know, she may find your email when she's snooping through his email account!

    Posted by Nancy G June 30, 09 02:17 PM
  1. I changed my mind...you should tell her........you'd be doing HIM the favor!!!!!

    Posted by CeltsFanFromDaGahden June 30, 09 02:18 PM
  1. Rico, I know you desperately want to be the 10,000th poster. But that doesn't mean you have to bore us all to death in the process. Enough already.

    As for "Get over it" - I'm sorry you've met nothing but scumbag men in your lifetime. Your "99%" theory is 100% crap. Whatever you've gone through that made you so bitter - get over it.

    Posted by Youpeopleareridiculous June 30, 09 02:18 PM
  1. Tell the fiancee. There is no fiancee out there who would not welcome being told about this before spending 10's of thousands of dollars on a wedding.

    More strikingly, how much of a jerk would you feel like to find out you were either of the parties involved in this post?

    Posted by Kathy June 30, 09 02:19 PM
  1. Better to know now that later.
    I wish someone warned me about my wife.
    I lost 13 years to her.
    Tell her!!!

    Posted by Anonymous June 30, 09 02:20 PM
  1. You saw the wedding invite with his name on it at his friends house... You should have called him out right there. He's obviously a liar to both you and his to-be-bride.

    Leave it alone, he's not worth it, you don't know the bride either, so let him dig his own hole. Could be a last hurray of flirtation too...


    Posted by linda1 June 30, 09 02:20 PM
  1. #265 I completely agree - they definitely hooked up, that was the first thought in my mind.

    Posted by totallyboinkedmaaan June 30, 09 02:21 PM
  1. Wow, I am just sitting here enjoying this one and reminiscing my past. I was not a cheater but I met so many women who cheated and men as well. Not a male or female thing, it is within a persons nature to cheat, not their gender.

    I slept with at least a few women that were married, some with kids and a few other girls that were in a relationship.

    I wonder what they are up to now? Good thing I didn't forget to use protection or I could have caught something from one of those whores. I did have fun though.

    Posted by I slept with CB in Gloucester too June 30, 09 02:23 PM
  1. The wedding invitation has only first names on it?

    Leave it alone...Find some other drama in your life.
    (..I think you were asking for trouble by staying at the friends with a group of his guy friends. I hope you just didn't meeet them and if you did, what did you expect? )

    Posted by 42giants June 30, 09 02:25 PM
  1. dont do anything.....even contacting him. hell figure you out and now your involved in something that includes a sc*mbag and who knows what he would do to shut you up.

    Posted by jttttttt June 30, 09 02:25 PM
  1. I like Jeff's advice. I would be concerned that a guy who would act so disrespectful toward his fiancee might represent a danger to you if you out him. On the other hand, I keep thinking about the Craigslist Killer's fiancee - she was determined to stand by her man until the crap hit the fan. Had she known in advance about her fiance's little "predilictions" she could have broken off her engagement before being pulled through the mud. That is not to say that the subject of this letter is anynear NEAR as evil as the Craiglist dude, but it does make you think about whether the fiancee should know. And as several others pointed out, even though he didn't sleep with the letter writer, he's probably boffed a few others, who may have STD's that the fiancee deserves to know about. Best advice, send an anonymous letter, listing the date of the thing, and describing the apartment like someone else suggested, PLUS listing the names of the other guys that were there, may cause the fiancee to question her betrothed. Or invite Billy Idol to tell the guy off a la The Wedding Singer.

    Posted by J Bar June 30, 09 02:26 PM
  1. Email the girl and tell her. You have no interest one way or another. But you may save a poor girl from getting divorced years later by finding out that he cheated right before the wedding. If she knows about it before the wedding, then she's continuing by her own free will. And Karma may come back to you by someone alerting you about a future boyfriend/fiance cheating on you before the wedding. Put yourself in your shoes. Would you rather find out before or after the wedding that your boyfriend cheated on you?

    Posted by Josh June 30, 09 02:27 PM
  1. You should butt out of this. A lot of the commenters are making this all about themselves --- what clever detective work/proof they would employ, or how much havoc they would wreak. It's none of your business. These people aren't just fictional characters whose misery we can all enjoy laughing at. It's not up to each one of us to root out and expose other people's wrongdoing and to meddle in their relationships, to which we are complete strangers. You have no idea what is going on in these people's lives, or what effects you might set in motion by your actions. This cheating groom poses no danger to the letter writer, or to any of us. Sure, we feel bad for the woman. But giving her a heads-up is just to make yourself feel important and entertained.

    Posted by JC June 30, 09 02:28 PM
  1. I cant believe so many of you are rooting for her to tell the soon to be bride. It is none of her business and she had no business looking around his home and then remembering the website and investigating, all of this legwork and she didnt even have intercourse with him. I hate women like that, mind your business it has nothing to do with you and like others have said you will insert yourself into a situation that you will eventually end up regretting.

    Posted by Kenny June 30, 09 02:30 PM
  1. This dog, not a man, has fleas. And, you can bet that the woman to be has a notion that he is this type. No woman is that blind. So, telling her is a good thing. As far as guys go, from this guy... There are all kinds of people out there. Ones you can trust and some you cannot. You just happened to stumble upon a creep that thought he was going to get into your pants. He asked several times you say. For some reason, he continues to fool himself into a fantasy world of lies and thinking he is in control of everything he confronts. Good luck to him after he gets married. 50% divorce and he is a high percentile on that one. He can't trust himself when he gets alone with a woman and nobody else should trust him either. Guys in general like to flirt as the high is fantastic. But, real men stick to thier morals. Let that woman know what is up and you may get a basket case sobbing that "when is it ever going to stop?!" (him cheating, that is!!)

    Posted by Chaz_D, Quincy June 30, 09 02:31 PM
  1. Tough call. I'm engaged and if my fiancee was cheating I would like to know.

    Posted by HugzBear June 30, 09 02:33 PM
  1. 300+ responses, and very little variety in the suggestions. I don't suppose this is a massive bid to be the 10,000th person? Nah... that wouldn't be it...

    Posted by Getting Married Next Week June 30, 09 02:34 PM
  1. Tough call. I'm engaged and if my fiancee was cheating I would like to know.

    Posted by HugzBear June 30, 09 02:34 PM
  1. I'd email her through the site on the invite. Simply tell her that you met a friend of her fiancee's who had the same name (exactly as you were told by him), had a GREAT time with him. You reconsidered his offer, but lost his info. The only thing you could remember was the website from the invite you'd joked around with him about. Then ask her if she can pass along your email to her fiancee's friend.

    Posted by BeantownGuy June 30, 09 02:34 PM
  1. Did I hit a nerve, 'GetOverIt'? My calculations indicate there's a 100% chance of that, too.

    No, I would not cheat on Mrs. Math, as she is still the gorgeous, brilliant, funny, sensual, and loving woman she was when I first fell in love with her. Why would I want to risk losing her so I could cheat with some girl I barely know? Only a complete idiot would through away something wonderful simply so he can rack up more numbers. If your husband is that type, I am sorry for you.

    Quality > Quantity

    Posted by Dr. Math June 30, 09 02:36 PM
  1. Let's get a grip here people. I just saw a post suggesting the writer "stalk" the wife, really it's like "find her, strike up a convo, find out what she's like." If the person who wrote that is about to get married, let's kidnap the groom and have an intervention. First of all, we don't know either party, but so many of you know the groom well enough to label him a dirt bag or a scum bag, etc. For laughing and drinking? For all you know he might have been on the phone with his fiance while in the bathroom telling her about this nut job who followed them home from the club. Anyone pick up on this: "While in his friend's kitchen I came upon a rehearsal dinner and wedding invitation . . ." Usually when a total stranger in my home "comes upon" my mail, they don't read it and take down personal data in order to contact other people I know. Well, at least the sane ones don't. Maybe some of her other behavior leading up to rummaging through mail caused her host and the groom to humor her until she was safely out of the home. The host is in groom's wedding party. I have never met a guy who would have sex with a stranger in a close friend's house right before his wedding. Meredith, I'm afraid you're no Abby! She would have recognized that guests who go through their host/s mail are not good guests and not innocent victims either. Oh and did you catch a group of her friends ran into a group of his friends and they laughed and talked drank coffee but at the house it's the host, the groom, nut job and one other unidentified. Nonetheless this poor victim who went home with at least 2 if not 3 total strangers and at the very least read personal mail, has the support of the vast majority of your readers. Call Carrie Underwood (ever really listened to those lyrics?) and go find this dude's car.

    Posted by Bruce Fairman June 30, 09 02:38 PM
  1. How do you know if the wife does not cheat as well, you do not know the intricacies of their relationship, maybe the wife already knows he cheats. there are thousands of scenarios that you do not know about that could occur,maybe it was the first time he thought about cheating and it was because he met someon he really liked. I say myob unless u gotta thing for this dude because otherwise there is no reason for you to continue bieng involved in his life

    Posted by myob June 30, 09 02:38 PM
  1. I think that she should definitely try to email the guy....that really is the best solution. I guess it will just make him at least sort of see the wrong he was doing, etc. As for, 'what's up with guys'....men and women cheat...there are some manipulative women out there too. I guess it just comes down to trust...and loyalty. If you can't trust someone or be loyal, what's the point? Don't be in a relationship and get married then....

    Posted by Betti June 30, 09 02:38 PM
  1. Ban Rico!

    Posted by byubba June 30, 09 02:39 PM
  1. Email her and ask her to meet you at a restaurant. Then call him and tell him to meet you there as well. Put on a wig, get there early and watch him squirm.

    Posted by JoeR June 30, 09 02:40 PM
  1. Without reading the other responses, my advice is to do nothing. You have no idea what sort of arrangement this couple has. Believe it or not, there are lots of people out there in open relationships. (Of course, if it is truly open, the guy would have been honest with you to let you know the score.). Or maybe they have an agreement that both are considered free until they walk down the aisle? Maybe she is okay with him "cheating" because she doesn't see it as cheating. You just don't know.

    I would also not contact this guy again!!!! Nooo! Because if he's truly that manipulative and a liar, he could easily schmooze you too. I can just hear him now, "You are just so awesome ...meeting you has me doubting... maybe you are my soul-mate instead?" Ugh. Do you really want to get mixed up any farther in this situation? I wouldn't.

    At most, I'd maybe talk to one of his friends. You know, if he is cheating, they are culpable here too! They aided and abetted the situation.

    Posted by stayaway June 30, 09 02:41 PM
  1. I'm betting these people ARE just fictional characters whose misery we can all enjoy laughing at. I am. It's all too contrived. It makes me uncomfortable. This is my last bid to be the 10,000 commentor. Spent afternoon adding up all comments since January, including my own letter to Meredith (haha, got you wondering), and think I'm timing it right...right...right...now. Shah. Did I win? Do I get a job?

    Posted by Sally June 30, 09 02:42 PM
  1. Oh, and this is coming from a guy who was told by his (then) wife after 2 years of marriage that she'd hooked up with a "friend" when we were engaged. People knew and never told me. I wish they had. I married her and she cheated two more times (that I know of), before I divorced her.

    Posted by BeantownGuy June 30, 09 02:42 PM
  1. First of all, if this guy wants to cheat on his fiance when they have already sent out their wedding invites, I can guarantee that he is a complete dog, and that he has cheated on her before.. Also, if they have been a couple for the past 3 years, I'd guess that sometime in the past 3 years, the girl has either caught him or at least suspected him of cheating.
    I think it would be a complete waste of time emailing the guy. He is a complete dog, you don't know him, and he would just lie to you or ignore you. And like other people, you would only be giving him time to think up an excuse. You should just email the girl. Even if you don't know her, like I said, she has probably either caught him or suspected him of cheating before, so there is a good chance she'd believe you. But whether she chooses to believe you or not, at least your conscience will be clear. However, this girl does deserve to be told the truth, even if you do not know her and are not a close friend.

    Who knows, maybe sseep down she does suspect him and is hoping for someone to confirm her suspiciousns.

    Posted by Tom June 30, 09 02:43 PM
  1. Wow!
    Well over 300 comments.

    10,000 must be near.

    DrK

    Posted by DrK June 30, 09 02:44 PM
  1. every relationship is different. Maybe this guy's fiancee is a pain and he needs the release.....maybe she is treated like a princess but he needs to have variety as well to be happy? I got maried 3 years ago to a really hot girl, but from almost the moment I stared dating my wife I started sleeping with her best friend (who is even hotter). We still hookup to this day and in fact she helps me pickup other girls (she's bi) ......I look at this way, my wife has no idea so no big deal......if anything this extra SAFE sex on the side has helped me enjoy my married life more and put up with her....her best friend is into the whole "thrill" of how wrong this is and she enjoys the no strings attached...we all win

    Posted by everyone's different June 30, 09 02:44 PM
  1. every relationship is different. Maybe this guy's fiancee is a pain and he needs the release.....maybe she is treated like a princess but he needs to have variety as well to be happy? I got maried 3 years ago to a really hot girl, but from almost the moment I stared dating my wife I started sleeping with her best friend (who is even hotter). We still hookup to this day and in fact she helps me pickup other girls (she's bi) ......I look at this way, my wife has no idea so no big deal......if anything this extra SAFE sex on the side has helped me enjoy my married life more and put up with her....her best friend is into the whole "thrill" of how wrong this is and she enjoys the no strings attached...we all win

    Posted by everyone's different June 30, 09 02:44 PM
  1. Email him letting him know that you discovered his lie about getting married, and blind cc her. If he responds then reply to him and cc her with his response. Let him see that you have included her in the email string. If neither respond, then you have done all you can or should.

    Posted by amac June 30, 09 02:45 PM
  1. If you fancy yourself some sort of cartoon super hero (“The Meddlesome Slag”), then contact the bride to be, explain that you spent the night listening to her fiancé beg for sex, and then move on to your next mission while the sorry couple pick up the pieces. If you are not The Meddlesome Slag, then disengage and live your life. Focus on something you have responsibility for, your own decision making.

    Posted by Pat From Cambridge June 30, 09 02:46 PM
  1. I was the living room one night and a bunch of men were heavily flirting with some young girls near us, sitting on the couches, buying them a bottle of wine, etc. I noticed one of the guys had a wedding ring so I asked one of his friends who started chatting with his. Yup, the guy was married and was being "harmless" according to his friend. While I saw the guy curled on the couch cuddling some young girl and buying her drinks, I felt awful for the wife waiting at home for him. When he started hitting on us, I wrote a fake name/number on a napkin and slipped it into his pocket. I hope that guys wife saw that napkin and had a conversation with him.

    Posted by Robin June 30, 09 02:47 PM
  1. Email her and let her know that he is cheating, then let her make her own decision.
    She may or may not believe you but that's not your problem. You can sleep well knowing you passed on the information.

    Posted by truthinadvertising June 30, 09 02:50 PM
  1. At the end of the day, who are you to these two people? You don't know anything about them, you're just some girl that he was almost able to get into bed. He's done it before, he'll do it again. You were not put on this earth to save the "poor" bride. Mind your own business!!!

    Posted by Joe Budiego June 30, 09 02:50 PM
  1. Here's my haiku:

    "Forum invites those
    Not busy enough at work,
    And clearly i include myself in this category, since I'm sitting her trying to figure out a clever yet hilarious 5-7-5 syllabic structure to this poem about the woes of strangers hooking up and can come up with nothing, except MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS (Hey! that's 5 syllables)."


    Posted by kathleen June 30, 09 02:52 PM
  1. Pookie #269 -
    Please tell us you're incarcerated and aren’t eligible for furlough for many years to come. You could act as the national lightning rod for screwed up relationships, thereby taking one for the team and saving the souls of thousands.

    Posted by val June 30, 09 02:52 PM
  1. I agree with Meredith....no right/wrong answer to this situation. I have mixed feelings on this because I don't know if we want everyone running around feeling their job is to inform fiances (or spouses) that their partner is cheating (or trying to cheat). It also implies a lot of assumptions about the kind of relationship they have. There's a tiny possibility that based on his character, she may know he would be up to something like this...or maybe not. None of us have guarantees about another person, so to a certain extent, this relationship may just have to play out for them, and you're not a part of their relationship. For all you know, this may have been just one silly indiscretion and he could end up being the best husband who will someday be holding his wife's hand as she deals with a tramautic condition in the hospital...or they may have moments in the future of pure serendipity based on a life of both the ups and downs. All that to say that....his flirting with you may not change the progress of that....if it's meant to be for them. Or, just maybe he is a two-time rat and he will do this again. In which case, she will probably eventually find out, and have to deal with it then. That's just life. We can't always raise a red flag to someone else, because your red flag may not be her red flag, and vice versa. I think Meredith a good suggestion that's in the middle of the two extremes of either telling or not telling...of emailing him and voicing your disappointment and hope that he aim for faithfulness in his relationship.

    Posted by bklynmom June 30, 09 02:52 PM
  1. Seems to me there are three options, email the guy, email the girl, or do nothing.
    Well, if the guy wants to cheat on his fiance right before he's getting married, he obviously has no scruples. He is a cheater, and therefore a liar, and doesn't have much of a conscience. So, I don't really see how some email from a stranger is going to change him.
    So, the choice is to email the girl or do nothing. Sure, as others have pointed out, you don't know the details of their relationship. Maybe she cheats too. Or maybe she doesn't care if he sleeps around. But regardless of what you do or don't know, I don't see how emailing her could hurt.. It could possible save a nice girl from making a huge mistake that she could regret for the rest of her life... What if she gets pregnant on her weddingnight, and once she's pregnant the guy decides he no longer has to hide his cheating? Anyways, my aadvice is to send the girl a nice brief email telling her what happened. What she does with it is up to her.

    Posted by Geoff June 30, 09 02:53 PM
  1. Maybe he's just priming you to join the couple in their exploration of group sex, bondage et al and she was out doing the same thing with some other women to join your group... or men. Stay out of it.

    Posted by darwin June 30, 09 02:54 PM
  1. #110 wins today. Hands down. That was a thing of beauty....

    BTW, my advice, before reading any other comments was to just stay out of it....

    Posted by TD June 30, 09 02:54 PM
  1. let it go. not your business.

    Posted by sybdee June 30, 09 02:55 PM
  1. I'm calling shennanigans on this. The letter is fake.

    "While in his friend's kitchen I came upon a rehearsal dinner and wedding invitation – with just a first name on it. It was his name (which is a very common name)."

    No one sends out rehearsal dinner and wedding invitations with just the first names on it. ABSOLUTELY NO ONE!

    p.s. you slept with him, got booted out in the AM, and are now trying to figure out how to extract revenge based on some info you snooped.

    Posted by Bull Oney June 30, 09 02:56 PM
  1. His name doesn't begin with "M," does it? I dated a guy who lied from day 1 and still is lying, even though we've broken up. A day never went by where he didn't lie. He had so many women until he was starting to be found out. Someone mailed me earrings found at his bedside (not mine), condoms (not used), hair clips, etc. I received letters and phone calls and the person didn't identify themselves. Does that make them a coward? I had no one to ask, as a result and of course, he denies it up and down. Tell her and tell her who you are, if you feel safe.

    Posted by WakeMeUp June 30, 09 02:57 PM
  1. Ohh, number 337 (Beantown Guy) that is GOOD. Combine it with a faked up temp email address from the letter writer and it will be perfect. I can picture the email now.

    "Hi Ms Bride to Be,
    You don't know me but I met a friend of your fiancé last Friday June XX and I'm trying to track him down. Let me explain. I met him when me and my friends and his friends were both at Cheaters Bar and Grill. We hung out for a while. We were all having such good time that one of the guy’s invited us to his back to his house in Astro City where the four of us laughed, drank coffee, and had a great time. While talking in the kitchen I came upon a rehearsal dinner and wedding invitation. I joked that it was his wedding. He said no that he and his friend had the same first name. Your fiancé friend kept asking for my number which I don’t like to give when I first met someone.
    While he did come on a little strong (I mean asking for sex just after meeting me), I did think he was very cute and charming and might want to get to know him better if he could just slow it down a bit. I remember the wedding website and while it is a long shot, thought I would try to contact him this way. It is so hard to met singles guys.
    Could you pass on this email to him your fiancé’s friend with same name? Good luck with your future wedding! Hope you get a sunny day!
    Thanks,
    Millicent Bystander"

    Posted by Lain the Blunt June 30, 09 02:58 PM
  1. Oh please... this isn't about protecting the bride-to-be from her jerk of a fiance, it's about REVENGE, plain and simple. You are angry that you were lied to by a guy who wanted a one night stand (that didn't even happen!) so you are looking to lash out and cause pain. And if you contact the girl, you will cause pain - to them both. You don't even know her, don't pretend that you're doing this out of concern for her. Just let it go, don't destroy two people's lives because a guy wanted to hook up before his wedding.

    Posted by LynahFaithful June 30, 09 02:58 PM
  1. # 263 "Email him tell him "wow ,what a small world.. U ran into an old friend and it is the same girl that is getting married. Tell him she invited you to the wedding and ask him if he does not have a date yet, maybe you can go together.."

    Great idea! I love this and #5.

    Posted by CC June 30, 09 03:01 PM
  1. Be careful. You don't know much about this guy; if you threaten him or do something to make him believe you may tell the fiance, he could make your life difficult or even hurt you. That said, she has a right to know. I would definitely want to. I agree that STDs are a serious worry too. E-mail her enough details to corroborate and do it matter of factly. Do nothing underhanded, but do protect yourself by not letting him know where you live or how you can be found. There are creeps out there.

    Posted by michaela June 30, 09 03:03 PM
  1. Break into their house and Boil the Bunny...

    Posted by val June 30, 09 03:04 PM
  1. Follow Jeff's advice, and listen to Merilisa's (18) reasoning. Both are powerful and the right thing to do. Simple.

    Posted by Jetta June 30, 09 03:05 PM
  1. Ladies, it's not just guys that do this. I hope you know this. I have been cheated on TWICE and did nothing to deserve it. So please don't blame the guys because girls do this too, if not MORE than the guys!

    Posted by BetrayedBoy June 30, 09 03:08 PM
  1. People can think what they want about my observations. I can assure you, my marriage is happy and healthy. No lies, no cheating, no dishonesty.
    BUT- there are men who follow their natural instinct- spread their seed...and there are men that are more of the "Huggy, you hang up, no you hang up first" guys.

    The you hang up first guys stay with 1 woman. They also are no challenge to a woman on the prowl. Ask any woman or any man in a club or bar where the girls flock to..the spread your seed types. The sensitive huggy man is the one they go to after the other men 'dump and run.' (John Henry- prime example of a 'huggy' )

    Perhaps you all in disagreement are in a different age bracket than me. If you are 50+ years old and are only with 1 woman you don't count- apathy may have set in, or you've got too many other things going on to follow instincts, or women don't want some old guy anymore so you're out of 'the game'... or you're a hugger.

    If you're in the 20-40 age bracket -different story. There are huggers in this age group for sure- I've dated them. I was sick to my stomach annoyed with them too. I am with 'the other" and am perfectly happy. My husband is happy, and we have no secrets. I just know my own taste, and I know that I don't like the 'huggers' and if you want to test my theory, go in a club that has people in my age bracket in there and tell me how many guys have girlfriends but are still trying to get a piece, or guys that don't have gf's or wives but if they did, would still try to get a piece.

    Women that don't believe this are blind and guys that don't say that it's the case have been neutered. :)

    And I can assure you that many PEOPLE can seperate love-sex and just-physical-sex..how do you think Jenna Jameson got married and still worked?


    I'm all set

    Posted by Get over it June 30, 09 03:10 PM
  1. if you don't think women do this as much as men do you are out of your mind

    Posted by tomalonomadingdong June 30, 09 03:11 PM
  1. If you feel you need to do anything the conversation needs to be between you and him. You have contact with him and not her. You are the one feeling guilty on her behalf (though you didn't do anything wrong) because he lied. If you need to feel like this is in the open and give yourself closure then tell him you know it is him getting married you saw the website and that you feel if he is not being honest with his fiancé he should be.

    Here are a few other things for you to think about.

    His friends know what he is up to and if none of them have said something to her then there might be more to the story that you don't know. You are not the only one “in the know” here so this is not your burden.

    Have you thought that she might know that he does this and that it might be OK? This might be part of their relationship agreement? If it is, he still lied to you and that is where I think you are justified in speaking with him.

    Good luck.

    Posted by my2cents June 30, 09 03:12 PM
  1. Men and women ARE different, and there is no area of inquiry that better illustrates the differences than perceptions of, and reactions to, illicit sex.

    When a guy in a stable relationship with his wife/significant other seeks sex with someone else, it typically is nothing other than a desire for a conquest, variety, or to prove (usually to himself) that he still has "got it." It typically means very little to him and he may not even understand why his wife/significant other gets soooooo flustered when he gets caught. "Honey, it was just SEX, she means nothing to me," he protests. That may be considered the lamest of excuses, but it is usually true. He doesn't understand his female's reaction, because he has no intention of going anywhere, and certainly not with the "bimbo" with whom he just had sex.

    Now, when this guy's wife/significant other has a fling and gets caught, he's crushed. Not because he fears losing her, but because his ego suffers. Because of his orientation to an affair, he reasons he isn't "good enough in bed" for his wife/significant other so she was forced to get another guy. He would have an affair just for sex, so he reasons his wife/significant other is similarly motivated. "I guess that means I'm not enough for her." He feels diminished in her eyes.

    On the other hand, the wife/significant other is of course justifiably bothered when she learns her guy has strayed, but her concern is completely different from what a man thinks when his wife strays. She fears he has found someone he "likes better" than her. She fears being left alone, and if that means with young children (and perhaps no means of support), than the fear may escalate into paranoia.

    Years ago, a French philosopher stated it thusly: A man gives love to get sex; and a woman gives sex to get love." Whether we like it or not, it is true, and explains a lot of human actions when "committed relationships" suddenly face a third sexual partner in the equation.


    SEX

    Posted by BGD560SL June 30, 09 03:14 PM
  1. And Dr. Math-
    You are def the 'huggy' type because you used the words sensual gorgeous and loving...the 'others' don't use those words- in public!

    You're a huggy- therefore you don't spread your seed.

    Don't get offended by it- you just probably have less testosterone in your body!

    Posted by Get over it June 30, 09 03:15 PM
  1. Don't waste your time.

    This guy was out attempting to cheat in front of his friends. That type of behavior is habitual and doesn't remain secret long. My guess is it has been this way for some time and probably isn't going to change any time soon. I guarantee the bride already knows and is in denial. It's not your place to launch the intervention.

    If the bride was your personal friend the advice would be different, but she is not. If anything, telling her makes you seem scorned and spiteful of being rejected. Sorry, you aren't going to save this girl any pain by ruining her big day.

    And I disagree w/ Meredith. Emailing him isn't going to accomplish anything. If he is a creepy habitual cheater/liar he certainly won't send you a sincere response. And if by some unlikely chance he is a decent guy who got a little caught up in the moment then he is already beating himself up over this. Either way you look a little psycho for snooping, and you're going to look even more psycho tracking down his email address.

    Posted by RealityChic June 30, 09 03:15 PM
  1. Slick Willy distorted the definition of sex.

    So - did you use your mouth?

    Posted by Blue Dress Spot June 30, 09 03:20 PM
  1. tell the bride. It 's the right thing to do. Do it anonymously and she can decide what she wants to do w the information. STD's are a huge problem and she deserves to know about her fiancee, the dirty weasel. Don't contact the boyfriend, he might try to hunt you down.

    Posted by Katherine June 30, 09 03:20 PM
  1. #308—CREEPY. How did that comment make it on here? What a psychopath!

    Posted by GladNotToKnowYou June 30, 09 03:21 PM
  1. Another vote for the advice of Jeff's evil twin. His response to you will probably answer your question to how you want to go forward. If he is just a player, he will respond to you disrespectfully, if he is just a weak-willed man, he may be honestly worried and maybe even slightly sorry. Give his character another chance to make up your mind.

    Posted by misplacedamerican June 30, 09 03:21 PM
  1. Cool post, just subscribed.

    Posted by How I Make $300 a Day Posting Links Online June 30, 09 03:22 PM
  1. You think you know what is right for the Bride. You don’t. So don’t contact her. And dissuade yourself from the notion that you have some noble tough decision to make here. You don’t. There is zero cost to you no matter what.

    Resist the temptation to redeem your sorry night with a stranger at the expense of Bride. It won’t work.


    Posted by DevilDog June 30, 09 03:25 PM
  1. Right, guys are the only ones that act like this. Talk about cliche. My ex-wife cheated on me with the guise that she was absolutely positive that I had stepped out on her. I never did. She then proceeded to cheat on that boyfriend, kicked him to the curb and shacked up with her affair. He bailed, she got married again and cheated on him after about 9 months of marriage. I have a buddy who's wife stepped out on him twice. He forgave her the first time and asked her for a split the 2nd. Another friend of mine had a wife who constantly lied to him about her extracurricular activities. He never really got smart about her, she finally just left without so much as a dear john laetter and now he's happily raising his two children.

    Morale of the story? Women are just as scandalous as they claim guys are. Get off the high horse already.

    Posted by klown June 30, 09 03:26 PM
  1. Nah, don't tell her.

    Let her figure it out herself. He is certainly a scumbag. I'm going to guess he needed to sow some seeds before he gets married and wanted to do that with you. He's acting weird as his marriage is approaching and is doing things he shouldn't be doing.

    He screwed up big time, but don't ruin his and her life, as it might have been one time and he might and probably does realize it was wrong. I'm not advocating for his bejhaviour because it's definitely dog-like, but he has to deal with it, not you.

    Just let it go.

    Posted by Mikey "Insane" Monkeypants June 30, 09 03:34 PM
  1. The guy is a jerk and his future wife should be told of everything that happened. She deserves the chance to decide if she wants to marry the clown and live her life knowing what he is like. As a guy, I think he is a sad example of a man.

    Posted by Big Jim June 30, 09 03:36 PM
  1. I had a professor back in college that left her husband and three children with a note taped to the television. That's right, a WOMAN, not a MAN did that. She was a terrible professor and apparently a terrible wife as well.

    By the way, just reading comments here, how many people slept with this CB in Gloucester? She must really get around and how do her husband and children not know?

    Posted by Neil in Boston June 30, 09 03:39 PM
  1. "...her fiancée’s recent activities"? is a valid use of the word. fiancee is the female term for fiance. geez....

    anywho.... it sucks to be cheated on. not sure if there is much you can do that will help. but i think you should def email him since he seemed so interested just to say that you know the truth and are all set with a jerk like him.

    Posted by grammar wizard June 30, 09 03:39 PM
  1. Put yourself in the fiance's shoes. If you would want to know, then email her. If you wouldn't want to know, then don't email her. In the end, you have to live with your decision.

    If it were me, I'd want to know. Therefore, I would email the fiance and just tell her that she should keep an eye on her fiance. If she's smart, she'll keep close tabs on him. If she catches him lying/cheating then it will be her decision if she still wants to marry him.

    Posted by mh June 30, 09 03:39 PM
  1. Watch the movie "the heartbreak kid". It has a very similar story.

    Posted by Jack Certer June 30, 09 03:40 PM
  1. Hey.......great letter........very,very original.....I saw that movie, Sideways, too.

    Posted by CeltsFanFromDaGahden June 30, 09 03:46 PM
  1. "Men are not designed to be with ONLY one woman".
    Well, #207, hate to break it to you but, women equally aren't designed to be with ONLY one man either.

    We ALL [men and women] have the ability to ward off temptation; some people's moral compass is so far off course that they point south ALL the time.

    Posted by marj June 30, 09 03:52 PM
  1. D Money - what a freaky email you wrote! You made a lot of assumptions about this woman. I hope you dont' have any children - God, imagine having you for a father, brother, husband, yuck! You're anger is scary!

    Posted by Katherine June 30, 09 03:52 PM
  1. He's getting married in a couple of weeks and was out with the guys? Are you sure you weren't "hired help"? I feel like you're not telling the whole story here.

    And why don't you go ahead and email the financee and tell her what this guy did. How much would you believe an email from a random stranger telling you news like that?

    Posted by Tardo Ricardo June 30, 09 03:58 PM
  1. Practically any response from your male acquaintance is possible. If you inform his fiance or him with enough detail to make the event unambiguous, you may well have on your hands a male bunny boiler who already knows where you live.

    It may be a singular event: both men and women contemplating a future of monogamy they have not experienced in the past may do once in a lifetime things.

    Similarly, though, it might not be once in a lifetime. Emailing his fiance from an anonymous address and saying you have observed him cheating without a lot of identifying detail is unfortunately the safest way of approaching the problem.

    At that point, she is at least alert to a possible problem and can choose her own level of comfort with pursuing things (like HIV testing) that she might not have considered seriously before.

    Posted by sommls June 30, 09 04:02 PM
  1. Some men are jerks. Some women are jerks. They are jerky in a variety of ways, some more typically female, some more typically male, but it doesn't matter if they are threatening or whining when they are being jerks, they are still jerks.
    I don't think this is really about men being jerks and women not being jerks. It is just that straight women don't tend to notice when other women are being cheating jerks because it isn't happening to them! Unlike some parts of male culture, women do not brag about infidelities because it is socially unacceptable. I honestly don't think that women cheat any more or less than men, it's just that their peers hear about it less. It isn't something we talk about, and it gives the appearance that it doesn't happen when it does.

    Posted by merilisa June 30, 09 04:12 PM
  1. Fiance = the man
    Fiancée = the woman

    Posted by lynahfaithful June 30, 09 04:13 PM
  1. # 349 & 350 Everyone's Different, Your crazy. That is horrible that you think it's okay to cheat on your wife on a regular basis.

    Posted by HugzBear June 30, 09 04:18 PM
  1. # 349 & 350 Everyone's Different, Your crazy. That is horrible that you think it's okay to cheat on your wife on a regular basis.

    Posted by HugzBear June 30, 09 04:18 PM
  1. If they had an "arrangement" he likely would have mentioned it, and allowed a call to the finacee, who would have either been OK with it, or come on over to join in on the fun.

    Posted by K June 30, 09 04:19 PM
  1. As a wife who found out two kids, two homes and three years too late...tell her. I particularly like Jeff's idea (way back in the beginning) because it has some proof. My husband's skank-ho-ex-affair-partner came trolling around looking for a hook up a month before her wedding (two years after I discovered and ended their affair and told her to never contact him again), so I sent every e-mail and phone bill that I had to her fiance so that he would know what he was getting into. They still got married, but at least it's on the table and I have a clean conscience.
    Tell her.

    Posted by Jen June 30, 09 04:31 PM
  1. There are people here suggesting that AT stay out of this. Are you out of your mind people? When you know something that could hurt or destroy someone, it is your business, your personal responbility, to DO THE RIGHT THING. If a car maker is aware of a safety issue with one of their models, shouldn't they tell the truth? If a beef company knows they have an e.coli batch that went out, shouldn't they issue a recall? Why did we get a settlement from Tabacco companies after all? This "mind your own business" mentality that people have is appalling and explains why a lot of child abuse continues to go on-- no one wants responsiblity or go through the trouble of doing what's right! What if this was you, your sister, or friend? It doesn't matter if AT doesn't know the whole story about their relationship, WE ALL KNOW CHEATING IS WRONG and the groom-to-be was trying to do just that.

    I agree with emailing him (I assume he doesn't know where the letter writer lives so she's somewhat safe from any crazy response from him) and sending the original email with his reply to the bride. She needs to know the truth. Then it's up to her what she decides to do.

    Posted by savethebride June 30, 09 04:32 PM
  1. Tell her with all the details of that night in an email. Let her decide how this anonymous tidbit fits into her understanding of her fiance and future marriage. I wouldn't bother contacting the guy.

    I would reassess your actions of partying that closely with strange guys who repeatedly request sex into the next morning.

    Posted by dan June 30, 09 04:36 PM
  1. Guys and girls...One will do what one can get away with, and he is probably thinking "I'm not married yet, this could be it, I should go for it" and believe me, he is not thinking "I think I will end up really liking this girl" he is thinking, "I want my last hurrah" and because you spent one sexless night with him and had coffee in the morning, doesn't make you so honorable. He lied to you, he doesn't care what you think, he has one thing on his mind. You're out of the situation and consider it lucky. Everything in life is a risk.

    Posted by tmomrun June 30, 09 04:42 PM
  1. Finance=the money.

    Posted by Sally June 30, 09 04:43 PM
  1. I'm a guy who was in the same situation the letter writer was in many, many years ago. I politely declined an overture from a bride to be (who was a good friend of mine) who seemed to be looking for one last fling before marriage. My decision to do nothing put an end to a momentary lapse, and I would have done a grave disservice to everyone had I mentioned it to her future husband.

    Posted by Winch June 30, 09 04:43 PM
  1. How would you like it if this guy emailed your parents and told them that their daughter likes to get drunk and go home with strange guys?

    Posted by marvcook June 30, 09 04:47 PM
  1. His fiance isn't as "dirty" as he wants her to be, obviously. So he tried to snatch some on the side to see if you would give what she won't (i.e. facials, anal, etc)..

    Posted by RayinBoston June 30, 09 04:51 PM
  1. Poor GetOverIt. If that's what you need to tell yourself to pretend that testosterone and intelligence are mutually exclusive of one another, so be it. I would wish you luck in finding someone worthwhile soon, but it sounds like you have what you want. That's cool. So do I. And you know what? She never would have married me if I had been the type to cheat on her with some bimbo because "it's in [my] DNA." Why? Because she has something I call "self-respect". And it is very sexy.

    Posted by Dr. Math June 30, 09 04:53 PM
  1. This is a tough one and there is no "right" answer.
    If I was the fiance I would want to know about this before I got married.
    1) email him and forward his answer to the fiance.
    2) email him and blind cc her. And then let them hash it out.
    Hey he could be someone like the Craigslist guy! That poor woman didn't know either!
    But those above who say myob - no, no, no, this is wrong, wrong, wrong.
    If you are committing to someone and they are committing to you, and you are really in love, than there is no room, no need for "side activities". Marriage is a committment and to violate that committment before it even happens, well I know what my decision would be. You need to live with yourself after the fact.

    Posted by RedSox13 June 30, 09 04:57 PM
  1. Because so many people here have said, "If it were me, I'd want to know... " I am compelled to give the other side: I would NOT want to know if my husband had cheated on me, yes even if it was only a few months before our wedding. It would not change a thing - I would not leave him. We have much too much else going in our relationship, one transgression simply cannot outweigh the rest. As someone else said, the relationship is about way more than an orgasm.

    Let me clarify further: I would want to know if 1) he fell in love with someone and was having a full-blown, emotional affair (with or without sex); 2) he was paying for sex with a prostitute. The first would impact our relationship. The second would have me questioning whether I really knew him. Any scenario with an ongoing pattern of deception would be a problem for me. But a one-night stand? Forgiveable!

    The reality is people (men or women) cheat because they have the opportunity. End of story. If you have never cheated, it's because you haven't had enough opportunity. People that cheat tend to be 1) highly attractive 2) in fields where they travel a lot (sales, musicians); 3) people in powerful or high-profile positions like politicians, millionaires, CEOs, ministers, sports professionals, and musicians. #1 gets many more propositions, #2 is frequently in convenient situations where the spouse would never know and #3 attracts hero-worshippers and groupies. The simple fact of the matter is: the more opportunity, the more people throwing themselves at you, the more likely one of these days you are going to be overwhelmed by temptation and cheat.

    So call me a realist here. My hubby and I do have a deal that if some gorgeous woman came on to him, and I would never find out, and he used protection, and it was a one-time only thing that was in no way premeditated (i.e., Jenna Jameson fell out of the sky and into his lap) .... well, go for it!!

    The chances of that happening are pretty slim. He is not in those three categories. He claims he has never gotten hit on, but I think it's more like he's just clueless and doesn't realize when someone is hitting on him. So if Jenna fell naked on to his lap and he got caught up in the moment, I could understand it. I just wouldn't want to know about it for my own selfish reasons. As long as it doesn't impact our relationship, what is the harm?

    The only way it would impact our relationship, is if some busybody got it into her head to tell me all about it!

    While I may be in the minority, I know I am not the only person out there that feels this way, so LW should butt out and MYOB. Just because she might want to know, does not mean the bride is just like her. Don't project, and don't assume.

    Posted by theotherside June 30, 09 04:57 PM
  1. If you knew her - I would recommend saying something. Otherwise, it's a guy you just met, nothing really relationship damaging happened, let it go.

    Posted by LadyGemini June 30, 09 05:04 PM
  1. I went to a school with an honor code: A cadet does not lie, cheat, steal nor tolerate those who do.
    Pretty simple to follow in the utopia of the school setting in my opinion. But it seems a little more dicey in the "Real World"

    So let me run a couple more cliche at you:
    Idle hands are the Devils Workshop!
    The only thing evil needs in order to flourish is for good people to stand by and do nothing!

    Lets face it - the stay out of it people are cowards. But you can understand there point of view.... if you too are a coward.

    Anonymously... send her the link to this discussion and let her know that he is the subject. It won't protect you when it gets back to him, but she deserves that much respect from you at the least.

    Posted by OrJeffsIdeaWasGood2 June 30, 09 05:06 PM
  1. Thanks Meredith I appreciate your answer....some assuming going on so I thought I’d clarify....I have no intentions of playing God. Just a smart, MODERN, single, woman living in the year 2009 - no naivety here, this is par for the course of living single in this day and age. I don’t know any women who have cheated but do know of many guys who have. Hence the what’s up with guys question. Girls and guys went back for a night cap and girlS and guys stayed until the morning. He told me he didn’t have a girlfriend and was single. There was an attraction, we acted on it. Perhaps some hipocrasy going on with some of the comments on the subject of hooking up? No snooping thru mail. Beautiful rehearsal dinner invitation, so colorful it grab you to read it, right out in the open on the table. With info about the lobster bake for Barbie and Ken (yes-only first names on it) with a web site to RSVP. Didn’t write it down, didn’t run home to check. Curiosity got the best of me a couple of days later so I did a search for it. Start of a Bachelor party weekend or not - does it make a difference? Lastly, I am not scorned or angry. I don’t need revenge. I am simply shocked. I know it happens but I have never been involved this closely. I just simply feel bad for the woman and wanted to pose the question to get some insight.

    Posted by Answer This June 30, 09 05:20 PM
  1. I was there and he didn't cheat or even try to cheat. This slut kept trying to get him to cheat. He was drunk and kept brushing her off. She was dressed to go if you know what I mean and while he was laying back on my couch to sleep off the night out with the guys she was throwing herself at him and even tried giving him a lap dance while he was asleep. He woke and pushed her off. We told her to leave him alone and asked her to leave. The only reason she was there was because I was nailing her friend and she wouldn't come to my apartment without her friend. I offered her to join us for a little threesome but she insisted on just harrassing our drunk friend. He never cheated and never would, he is a stand up guy.

    Thanks for a fun night, I hope you can walk better today than the other morning. You left your panties in my bathroom on the floor, call me if you want them back.

    Posted by I was there June 30, 09 05:30 PM
  1. Sally, you and I should get together.

    This woman has no right to get in the middle of this relationship. If he lied to her, slept with her, and was using her in a FWB way, then she would have some basis for getting involved. He didnt.

    What business is it of yours, if you didnt sleep with him? Get over yourself. Who made you the relationship police.

    Its also very dangerous. If you get in the middle, and she breaks up with him, he will come looking for you. Rightfully so. Stick you nose out.

    Posted by billy13 June 30, 09 05:32 PM
  1. My advice? Do what you would want done if you were the fiance'.

    My personal opinion? Ruin the Wedding. It's already ruined anyhow, they just don't know it yet. What, save her some false happiness, are you kidding? Email the Fiance'. Seriously. It's always, always better to know than to not know, and if she doesn't believe you, then at least you did what you could. This is a fellow human being that you could help save years of heartache, grief, aggravation, time and money. Maybe even save her from an eventual broken marriage and single parenthood. Not to mention maybe save a kid from having to grow up in a broken home. Doesn't that sound just a little important?

    "It's none of my business" is what's killing this country. Not my problem. None of my business. Not my place. Until it's you.

    I agree with a previous poster - describe his apartment in detail. Describe the entire incident, including the wedding invite, to prove that you've seen it. Disclose specific things that he said, because guys who use lines tend to use the same lines over and over.

    In case you couldn't have guessed, I was in a similar situation as the fiance, and I would have wanted to know. REALLY.

    As for you folks who say "she should have known", "people end up with the people they deserve", and "you should know the person better".. what do you know about it? What, she should be punished for not being a freaking human lie detector?

    Some people are just really, really expert liars. Men and women both. They know exactly what signals to give that they are faithful when they're not. They have no 'tells' to give away, because they have no conscience, no guilt, and no remorse. They know exactly the right things to say and exactly the right lies to tell to make someone perfectly comfortable and secure in the farce of a relationship. Hell they even know how to set up their lifestyle to facilitate cheating (making sure there is an unquestionable, rock solid excuse for having a night or two every week to yourself. Weekly poker game with the guys, out with the girls, see my mom, travel for work, take your pick. As long as you do it from the start of the relationship, the other person will never suspect, because it was established from the word go.)

    If you wouldn't tolerate it for yourself, why would you force someone else to tolerate it?

    Posted by CJ June 30, 09 05:34 PM
  1. Chico has many thougths on this.

    Chico does not like cheaters...but was this man really a cheater??? The line is somewhat gray. She did not have sex with him, but "IN HER OPINION" it would have happened if she had allowed it. Here is my simple suggestion--She should contact him for a rendezvouz . She should arrange multiple cameras around the room, and then coerce him to have sex with her. Chico thinks this would provide very convincing evidence. Chico would then wait until the day of the wedding to spring the trap, as Chico thinks this would add more drama to the situation.

    Posted by Chico June 30, 09 05:37 PM
  1. Chico has many thougths on this.

    Chico does not like cheaters...but was this man really a cheater??? The line is somewhat gray. She did not have sex with him, but "IN HER OPINION" it would have happened if she had allowed it. Here is my simple suggestion--She should contact him for a rendezvouz . She should arrange multiple cameras around the room, and then coerce him to have sex with her. Chico thinks this would provide very convincing evidence. Chico would then wait until the day of the wedding to spring the trap, as Chico thinks this would add more drama to the situation.

    Posted by Chico June 30, 09 05:37 PM
  1. TELL HER. I am so sick of people in this world being so apathetic. When my jacket falls off the back of my chair in a restaurant, it's always my husband pointing it out, not the 100 people who trapse over it first. I have seen men scream at their wife in public, and people just walk by. I am always the one whose willing to step up to see if I can calm them down. I have seen people hit other peoples cars and drive away. I'm the one who leaves a note on their windshield with the drivers licence plate #. We i see a dog running down the street, I am the one who will go chase after it and make sure it gets home safely. I don't know what kind of world this is if no one is willing to go out on a limb to help someone.

    In closing, I do not agree with Merediths advice. The groom-to-be will do nothing. If he is going to cheat on his fiancee, he is not about to have a stroke of morality and confess about it just because of one e-mail.

    Tell her Tell her Tell her. You would want someone to tell you, just like you would want someone to pick up your jacket off the floor, notify you that someone hit your car, or return your run-away dog. Its the right thing to do.

    Posted by Amanda June 30, 09 05:41 PM
  1. Why so many responses today? The new more prominent placement and photo on the Boston.com homepage?

    Posted by Alvin June 30, 09 05:42 PM
  1. From what I can tell, you hardly know this guy, he didn't ask you out on a date, he picked you up in a bar, and you barely even know his name. I don't feel you are in any place to judge, or get involved. For all you know, the nuptials could have already been called off, and you were suppsoed to be a little rebound tail. Just remove yourself from the situation.

    Posted by Sam June 30, 09 05:50 PM
  1. Once upon a time, in another lifetime ago, I was married. My friend Betsy, of many years, called me at work three or four times in one week asking me if everything was OK with my husband and I. As far as I knew, everything was fine. The last time she called she told me that my husband had been to their house the week before, borrowed $25 to un-impound my car. Why? Because he had been arrested for DUI (his third) and had provided alcohol to minors (the kids from the halfway house he was supposed to be looking after). He wanted it to appear as if nothing had happened. Betsy risked a lot in spilling the beans to me because my husband didn't have the cohones to do it himself. It resulted in my kicking his ass to the curb and divorcing him. I am grateful to her that she took this risk because it saved me years of potential agony. While the circumstances are different, the similarity is transferable to this situation. I recommend that you e-mail this guy and cc his fiance. Maybe it's early enough that she can get her deposits back from the caterers etc. before she wastes her time with this lousy creep. Oh, and I hope she schedules a full STD panel with her physician.

    Posted by exvermonter June 30, 09 05:57 PM
  1. #410:
    Right on! Most people who can't conceive of cheating are also the kind that would never be asked (what a coincidence!). Whereas, those of us who are socially triumphant, easy on the eyes, and have personality for days have offers raining down day and night. If I trip out my front door, I land on 3 interested women... Why give that up??

    I, for one, would never cheat because I don't need to. I have far too much opportunity to lock myself down to just one person, who coincidentally, wants me to sacrifice the remainder of my life for THEM. Yeah, I just can't imagine what could be so unappealing about such a scenario...

    As with anything, it's all about perspective. Until you're a man living in this society, with women's relationship self-absorption, and acknowledging the typical lifeless, knuckle-dragging, Val-witted men that are drudging around out there..... Is it really any wonder why those of us who can play the field, do??? It may just ultimately be a numbers/availability issue... Then again, maybe the Mormons have it right! Far too many available women with a dearth of talent on the male side. Ah, life is grand......

    Posted by DJMcG June 30, 09 06:01 PM
  1. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Hmmm. Would you want a women to hold back that your fiance was so willing to sleep with her????? Ask yourself that? Me? I'd want to know. After being married for 15+ years, I have to say, it's soooooo important to choose wisely. While folks thinks 'relationships' are so important, or something you should invest so much into....wrong. MARRIAGE you should invest yourself in. Dating should be easy. If you're having problems before marriage, before children, you're doomed once you get into the heavy of it. best you break it off before and wait for the guy it's easy with. Tell the women. Tell her. Even if she doesn't believe you, it will be in the back of her mind and hopefully if they do marry, if he keeps it up, she will be skeptical, she'll be quicker to catch him, and if they must get divorced, hopefully it will be before kids. Becaues i have to disagree with Mer on what the goal is here. In my minds eye, the goal is not to screw up children. Seriously. Us adults we make our mistakes, we live with them, we pick ourselves up and feel better eventually. But children suffer the collateral damage of our mistakes, and that's not fair, becuase it's not their fault we choose horribly, and it was never within their control, though it hurts them most. Long after folks find new husbands and wives, nobody can replace a child's parent . You want to be sure whomever you give your child as the other parent, you do as good by your kid as possible. Hopefully, her hearing this guy is such a dog, whether she believes or not, it will hold her back to having children until she's SURE he wont break their hearts by ruining the marriage and home. THAT should be the goal here. You dont tell, it may be children who actually pay the price. Good luck.


    Posted by someone with a few grey hairs June 30, 09 06:02 PM
  1. IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS - IF YOU KNEW HER WELL THEN YES - BUT YOU DON'T KNOW HER SO FORGET ABOUT IT. YOU WERE A "FLING" WITHOUT BENEFITS. HE MAY ALWAYS BE A CHEAT OR WAS JUST SEWING THAT LAST "OAT" HE HAD. BUT, UNLESS YOU ARE INVOLVED IN A LONG RELATIONSHIP WITH THESE PEOPLE - MOVE ON, THESE PEOPLE IF YOU CONTINUE TO HANG OUT WITH THEM (especially now you know the type they all are) THEN YOU ARE NO BETTER THAN THEM, YOU'D BE WORSE THAN THEY ARE IF YOU CONTINUE ANY CONTACT WITH ANY OF THEM. MOVE ON AND BEWARE.

    Posted by Been around June 30, 09 06:02 PM
  1. To #388 - Her fiancé is a man, so no it was not the right use of the word. Fiancée would be a female.

    Posted by RT June 30, 09 06:17 PM
  1. To the LW,
    Your original letter said it was the rehearsal dinner invitation AND the wedding invitation WITHOUT last names, so which is it?

    Anyway, I think I would do nothing. It would absolutely tear me up to do nothing, but the alternative is to tear up his poor fiancée's life... He'll probably do that eventually without your help.

    Posted by RT June 30, 09 06:20 PM
  1. Amanda (#419) - I like you. I do that stuff too. And on the (thankfully rare) times I see an infant or toddler left alone in a car, I call 911. When I see parents yelling at their kids in stores, I try to distract the two by saying something nice about the child - if only for a few moments, that child will feel safe and at calm.

    exvermonter - I wish someone had told me about my philandering ex (the older man who just died. I would have checked it out to ensure it was true - then left him long before I did (when I had to discover roving certain-male-body-part on my own).

    Posted by reindeergirl June 30, 09 06:56 PM
  1. Wow. Two days in a row, a L/W being called a "slut," by two regular LL posters.

    For shame.

    Posted by reindeergirl June 30, 09 07:06 PM
  1. Billy13, Sally is the new queen of LL funny. Curtsy to her.

    Posted by Sasha June 30, 09 07:10 PM
  1. AT, you are only as smart as your spellcheck button, sweetpea. Go home and play with your Barbies.

    The weather has turned me sour.

    Posted by Sally June 30, 09 07:25 PM
  1. I love the response from #365 - BEST ANSWER SO FAR. Send the note to the fiancee as if he were on the up and up looking for the 'friend of the groom's with the same first name' contact information. This way you can keep his 'secret' and still let her know everything she needs to know. You can provide a lot of detail about beautiful rehersal dinner invite so that she knows that you really were there.

    P.S. Mer. congrats on the milestone. Please keep this same comment format for the next 10,000 comments and not that awful load-ten-comments-at-a-time format some of the other pages use on Boston.com. Otherwise I couldn't sneak you in at work, because they take too long to load.

    Posted by RED June 30, 09 07:42 PM
  1. I was leaning toward the opinion that you should just quietly walk away. Or maybe talk it over with your/his friends who were there, and let them handle it. Maybe someone whom he respects, could help him see how bad this is. But then I read #295--I am persuaded. You should probably tell her--she doesn't deserve the risks to which his behavior exposes her. It is so sad. Many people make stupid, cruel mistakes when they are young (I am reminded of Prince "Not-so-Charming" Charles here). This is a tough one--good luck to all concerned.

    Posted by cvana June 30, 09 08:18 PM
  1. I am amazed to read how many people think that the woman wouldn't believe you anyway. Based on the fact that you ARE a stranger, I (if I were the bride) would take the accusation very seriously. You sound like a caring individual who wants to help. However, I'd be very concerned for your own safety if this guy ever found out that you shared information with his fiancee. You need to think of yourself --- which some would argue you didn't do very well by going home with a guy you just met.

    Perhaps, you contact her parents (if they're giving the wedding) and just let them know that you mean no disrespect to them or their daughter but that you thought they would want to know. My guess is that they already have concerns about him...and would likely be very protective of their daughter. I'm just thinking that this way, the news is out there but you needn't go through the fiancee and there's less risk of the groom tracking this information to you. I'm all for telling the bride....Heck, I would (at the very least) have a LOT of questions for my fiance if a stranger told me suspicious information about him. There's nothing for a stranger to gain by telling me so I would take it very seriously. Good luck with this and be careful.

    Posted by Anonymous June 30, 09 08:24 PM
  1. In this thread, DMONEY has gotten more attention from women than he ever has in his sad little life.

    Posted by SettleDown June 30, 09 08:49 PM
  1. What will this poor bride-to-be think when she realizes that over 400 people have passed judgement on her fiance and/or wedding plans?

    Posted by Jen-X June 30, 09 09:24 PM
  1. "The only reason she was there was because I was nailing her friend and she wouldn't come to my apartment without her friend"---ahhhh. So this 'stand up guy" has such a 'stand up friend' that you put your sexual needs before the risk of your 'stand up guy friend' being in the very compromising positing of he and you taking two other girls back to your apartment while you admittingly bang one? And if this girl ever wrote in here saying such a thing happened, and that her guy said he was only 'passing out' while "the slut' was 'all over him" how many people on here would tell her to dump him, stop being so pathetic and start reading the writing on the wall? While I was inclined to believe the original poster before I read your post, now I'm all the more convinced she should tell the wife-to-be. My bet, she'll be saving herself alot of pain and grief and your 'stand up guy' friend isn't ready for marriage. So spare him, and her, and dont try to defend this.


    Posted by oh pluuuueeez June 30, 09 09:25 PM
  1. Answer This, I think you have your answer. See post 414. Save yourself the embarassment. Do not do anything. You still sound a little kooky to me to be getting this involved w/ the lives of perfect strangers. He and his homeboys do sound immature and a little disrepectful of women and relationships. But even so, THEY HAVE HIS BACK! Don't waste your time! You're going to be the one looking like the slut they are going to make you out to be (true or not). Quite frankly you just don't have enough evidence to prove your case.

    Posted by RealityChic June 30, 09 10:02 PM
  1. What's up with guys? Oh, women NEVER do this. Puhleeeze.

    As for contacting the fiancee .... she will never believe you, nor should she. You are just a voice from the void with no context. This is one of those unfortunate situations where she'll have to discover the problem on her own.

    Posted by George June 30, 09 10:16 PM
  1. #18 merilisa - GREAT point about the very real concern of acquiring STD's and AIDS. You're right....these very real diseases move the topic of sexual fidelity away from morality and into more serious realms of public health. Totally different point of view in informing a fiance/spouse.

    Posted by bklynmom June 30, 09 10:22 PM
  1. I can't imagine marrying someone and finding out that I wasted YEARS of my life on someone who wanted to cheat. Just because he "didn't cheat", it's only because you said no and if it were up to him, he would have had sex. And, in my book, hooking up is cheating and you certainly implied that there was some fooling around going on.

    I wouldn't let someone waste their time with a loser. Let her know before she makes a huge mistake and give her the opportunity to potentially meet someone who won't be a scumbag to her. And if she doesn't listen to you, at least you tried.

    Posted by Tiki June 30, 09 10:35 PM
  1. As much emotional satisfaction as you might get from telling him off, if he's that much of a cad, then whatever you say won't make any difference whatsoever. Just be grateful that you didn't sleep with him. And who knows? Maybe this is a marriage of convenience. I'd just forget about it.

    Posted by Aviatrix June 30, 09 10:46 PM
  1. Sasha,

    You'll have to instruct me on the curtsy. I do think she's funny. Note my apostrophe!

    I like a funny woman.

    Billy13

    Posted by Billy13 June 30, 09 11:04 PM
  1. Are you sure it was not John Henry? Hangin with Lucchino and Werner?

    Posted by D Duquette June 30, 09 11:07 PM
  1. I think you need to consider yourself lucky things didn't go further. Sorry that you were interested, and it was all a lie.

    Close the book on this one and walk away. Why bring the drama into your life? I am certain your contact (him or her) will not be the end for you. There will be the mudslinging and denials. No win for you.

    However, if he does call....I think he's inviting some reaction.

    Posted by Jim in SD July 1, 09 12:28 AM
  1. Whatever. We need SEX-ED. I just found out the largest HIV dating&support site Positivefish. com. It has more than 500,000 members!
    OMG! Why so many guys and girls on the site are very sexy? Why so many people infect HIV?

    Posted by stdslove July 1, 09 12:29 AM
  1. Uh ... craigslist murderer anyone? Not to equate this guy with being a murderer, but jeez ... cheating is cheating and wouldn't YOU want to be told if it was YOUR fiance????
    Or why not email the guy and ask him how he'd feel if someone sent HIM an email about HIS fiancee doing what HE did ...???

    Posted by KateWest July 1, 09 12:51 AM
  1. I think you should email the bride (don't go to him first, he'll just create a cover story and paint you as a bunny boiler). I come at this from a different place than most on here, I was in her situation. After being married less than two years I learned my husband was having an affair with a coworker, an affair which started before we were married. In fact, she came to our wedding (yes, despicable). The man you met is a jerk and his fiance deserves to know. Wouldn't you want someone to help one of your friends, or you, if in this situation?

    Posted by Unhappily ever after July 1, 09 02:27 AM
  1. Stay out of it! Some girls are so ridiculous...its not your fiance, you didnt have sex, leave them alone! People cheat for alot of different reasons, and he didnt have to tell you anything, you were just a chick to hang out with. You just sound mad you didnt get a boyfriend out of the deal. Maybe this girl should be keeping better tabs on where her man is all night, but whatever the circumstances it is not your business, and dont go creating drama because you havent got a dink of finace for yourself. You may end up with your face punched by a pissed off, humliated bride to be, and this tool bag sleeping on your door step...(dont get your hopes up, theyll probably work it out)

    Posted by sally July 1, 09 02:33 AM
  1. "My advice is to e-mail him. Find his contact information through your friends. Tell him you’re very sorry he lied, not because you can’t handle it, but because you assume he’s marrying someone who believes in him, someone who deserves much better. The note probably won’t do much – but it couldn’t hurt for him to have a little scare and a reminder that his actions have consequences."

    If I was the groom and you did this, I'd go on Craigslist and arrange to have your throat slit.

    Posted by StayOutOfIt July 1, 09 07:11 AM
  1. Pretty sad things have not changed over the decades.. Was burnt at l8, during Vietnam war, engaged only to find cheating with a baby ending engagement...End was very lucky to marry the next guy, and was happily married for 38 years, until left a widow... Recently started writing to first guy, extended forgiveness, and never got anything back..Still madly crazy about him and emailing him for long time, 6months with his 4 or 5 daily, back... Crosscountry, so it may not get much further...Just goes to say, once trust is broken, it is next to impossible to get it back and love can linger for decades,/

    Posted by former bostonian July 1, 09 07:47 AM
  1. Let it go. Nothing good can come from this. He will get his in due time. Consider yourself lucky that you were not the one that he cheated with.

    Posted by Kay-Man July 1, 09 08:38 AM
  1. Normally I agree with Meredith...in this case, I don't. I think the email should go to directly to fiancee. Plant a seed for her to contend with and hopefully she will ask questions and get insight about the man she is going to marry and have children with. Telling her BEFORE the wedding is a gift that ALOT of people wish they had gotten but didn't. You have no control how she will respond but you are doing the absolute right thing by letting her know. You can even send the email regarding this thread as well but explain in the letter how you met, how he acted, what he said b/c she will be in denial for a bit. It is kinda like the craigslist killer's fiancee in the beginning she was in denial defending him but over a period of time, support of family and questioning she let go. YOU ARE DOING THE ABSOLUTE RIGHT THING BY LETTING HER KNOW...DON'T DELAY!

    Posted by Lisa July 1, 09 09:03 AM
  1. When you say that "no sex" happened, were you quoting Bill Cinton? Do you mean no intercourse, but maybe a cigar or blowpop involved??? It seems like something obviously happened. Grilled cheese sandwich? Kissing? I'm not sure but some more info would be helpful.

    I don't like all these responders giving the LW a hard time for going back to some guy's house with a group of friends. Obviously not the smartest or safest thing someone could do, but come on, she was at least with a group of her friends. She didn't go by herself. She's single (presumably) and out with a group looking for a good time. There's no guartantee that these guys weren't psychopathic serial killers looking for a group of girls to torture, but there's also no guarantee that the "normal" guy you've been dating for years and years isn't hiding a gun and other women's panties in a hollowed out book in the apartment you share.

    There are no guarantees in life, and unless you are constantly snooping and spying on your significant other with high tech surveillance equipment that would make the CIA jealous, than you never really know the people you are with. Good people can do very bad things, and bad people can do very good things. All you can do is trust your gut, keep your eyes open, and hope for the best.

    But can we stop being judgemental, and give this poor woman some advice?

    All I can say is... put yourself in the bride's shoes and do what you would want done for you in that situation. But remember, accusations without proof will not help out the bride. Just because you can describe the apartment, the invitation, etc etc, doesn't give her proof that anything happened between you and the guy. He could easily say you were there hooking up with one of his friends while he slept by himself. So, unless you can get an incriminating email from him, or unless you can tell her exactly where that freckle is on his manhood, then you can't offer any help.

    Posted by Ayn July 1, 09 09:09 AM
  1. Why don't you just email him the comments Merideth suggested c/o his girlfriend's email address. It's no slimier than he's done to you or her. Maybe he has nothing to hide. Let's find out.

    Posted by hippydippy July 1, 09 09:26 AM
  1. This is going to sound really weird, but it's too close to the wedding to tell her. She may freak out, but she'll be afraid to cancel or postpone and inconvenience friends and family, and embarrass herself, lose money. She'll marry him anyway, and the whole event will have a huge black hole in it.

    Posted by ml2620 July 1, 09 09:27 AM
  1. To the I was there post.......you are obviously a liar and a cheat who has been in the same situation, and no surprise, you got caught!! And your still angry about it. Your angry your such a loser and continue to lie to make yourself feel better. WHAT GOES AROUND COMES AROUND......

    Posted by Justin Timberlake July 1, 09 09:34 AM
  1. The idiot groom-to-be should be exposed (no pun intended). It's the decent thing to do, especially before any children are brought into the world that will eventually end up getting hurt when the parents split up.

    Posted by Chloe-OBrien July 1, 09 09:44 AM
  1. Email him. Tell him that you do not get involved with others that are already involved in relationships, let alone engaged to be married. Leave it at that. You have had your say, and honestly, it is none of your business beyond that. Why on earth would you contact his fiance? You were not involved with him and you will just sound like a psychopath for doing so.

    As for the people accusing her of snooping, in this day and age, if you put it online, it is public domain. Its not like she broke into his email account, it was out there for all to see.

    I'm disgusted that some people feel the need to lambaste this girl for "snooping" because she looked up the wedding website and confirmed her suspicions, It was the man who is getting married who was shamelessly flirting and looking to cheat.

    Posted by snitchy and kratchy July 1, 09 10:10 AM
  1. Hey Val, I was one of the many that said MYOB. I am a woman. I am an advocate for the bride, that is why I told AT to let it go.

    Posted by areyoukiddingme July 1, 09 10:25 AM
  1. Staring ahead at a life of monogomy, maybe he just wanted one last hurrah? Is that so terrible? Or, maybe he had his doubts about his impending marriage and was looking to confirm them one way or another?

    Posted by carpediem July 1, 09 10:30 AM
  1. I find it absolutely appalling that anyone, especially the author of this blog, would suggest anything other than "mind your own business". Drop it. Stop drama before it starts. No good can come of emailing anyone, not even an FYI to the guy. All you are doing is perpetuating negative vibes.

    Posted by walter cronkite July 1, 09 10:49 AM
  1. Tell her. She deserves to know for oh som amny reasons. Up to her after that.

    Posted by Brendan July 1, 09 11:10 AM
  1. I'm not defending him in any way at all, I don't want him to get married since he is my wingman! We have had so many tag-teams and so many girls back to my place over the years it's crazy. I don't want it to end. Tell his fiance, I don't care. He doesn't care. Like he wants to get married when he's still got game to go out and grab multiple young little naive broads? He got an ultimatum, and he wants to live it up before he takes the plunge. His fiance hates me anyhow so you do us a favor by telling so I don't lose my friend to a complete and total Biatch! Why buy the cow when the milk is for free? Man, living around here with so many bangable chicks and he is going to SETTLE down. Please, we have BU, BC, Northeastern, Suffolk, and then you have Wellesley and UMass, etc...So many dumb college broads looking to get some action while they are still young and good looking. Tell Her!

    Posted by I was there July 1, 09 11:13 AM
  1. What are you going to tell the future bride? Oh, the other night, we had a wild party and I flirted with your fiancee and stayed in his house overnight and he asked me to have sex with him? Did some suggested that this girl get it on with him and take photos and send the pictures. I don't think that's legal. It may be considered blackmail.

    Posted by cleanHands July 1, 09 11:29 AM
  1. This is tough. I'd say walk away except if he tried that hard with you he's probably done it before and may or may not do it again. Sometimes it's wedding jitters, but he could be a slug.

    If he's a slug the bride is sleeping with every girl he ever cheated with. That could bring all sorts of nasties as people say. Her friends are in a better place to protect her. Can you findout the maid of honor. Make sure its her friend not his. Her friends are in a better place to do this. You don't know these people well enough..

    Posted by dh2001 July 1, 09 11:30 AM
  1. Hey "Otherside" Comment #410- Can you roll like Jenna? Do you look like Jenna? Have you watched Jenna on film? You're the one who is clueless not hubby-you set a "deal" like that..it's a safe bet he's already found someone else on the side Jenna or no Jenna. Gotta love it when a woman calls "their" husband clueless...LOL you can get over yourself now..

    "My hubby and I do have a deal that if some gorgeous woman came on to him, and I would never find out, and he used protection, and it was a one-time only thing that was in no way premeditated (i.e., Jenna Jameson fell out of the sky and into his lap) .... well, go for it!!

    The chances of that happening are pretty slim. He is not in those three categories. He claims he has never gotten hit on, but I think it's more like he's just clueless and doesn't realize when someone is hitting on him."

    Posted by yadayadayada July 1, 09 11:35 AM
  1. I like the idea of # 5. But as for me, I'd say let it go. She probably already knows of his wrong doings, as I'm sure he has done this before. Maybe she accepts it and that's totally her business. I'd mind mine and let a dear friend tell her instead. Or I'd do what # 5 said, lol.........

    Posted by Crystal July 1, 09 11:41 AM
  1. Tell him you want to eff him at his place. Make him get naked first. Study any body marks/tattoos, etc... Laugh at his genitalia. Run out of his apartment as fast as you can. Email the fiance describing unique body marks and what almost went down (so to speak). Case closed.

    Posted by Amazed July 1, 09 11:51 AM
  1. #465 (I was there):

    "Why buy the cow when the milk is for free?"

    It's very hard for me to believe that you've been growing up in the 21st century, and not the 19th.

    And all these references to craigslist? What are the chances? You folks have a lack of imagination, I say.

    Posted by reindeergirl July 1, 09 11:53 AM
  1. theotherside-
    My understanding is that Jenna Jameson would prefer to fall into your lap.

    Posted by valentino July 1, 09 12:27 PM
  1. You people are dumber than I thought! I was there? Please, I posted that and you people are dumb enough to fall for it? Like any guy in his right mind would ever post that? If it were true and we were friends do you really think a friend would post something like that? Seriously? Read it (both posts) and think about it. Talk amongst yourselves and enjoy a cup of coffee.

    Posted by I wasn't there, ha ha ha July 1, 09 12:40 PM
  1. #424 - DJMcGM-O-U-S-E
    You should attach this post to your profile on EyeH8Women.com so you can attract your next compliant waif. I’m sure your mirror laden walls allow your mind and beauty the reflection it deserves. But isn’t it interesting that for a guy who so loves his online thesaurus, you couldn’t find a better way to describe your narcissism. Who knows, I might have been as much of a fool at your age as well.

    Posted by valentino July 1, 09 12:54 PM
  1. I'm sort of surprised no one has contemplated the possibility of this guy and his fiance being in an "open relationship", particularly since he was around friends and their girlfriends. Maybe I'm just reading Dan Savage too much, but it doesn't seem to be completely uncommon these days...

    Posted by Anonymous July 1, 09 01:34 PM
  1. OMG… WTF is wrong with some of the posters on this site? Sally, I think you’ve exceeded your quota of posts for like, the next ten years. Get over yourself, you’re not funny, and you can’t spell for s**t. And theotherside, you’re such a tool. Your husband’s out banging every chick he can and you are completely clueless. I love it.

    For those of you who are saying that if you were the bride-to-be, you wouldn’t want to know about any transgressions like this, I say BS. You’re the type of woman who will cling to any man just so as not to be alone. You’re the single mother who lets some loser scumbag boyfriend move in with her and her kids, only to find out he’s abusing or molesting her kids. You’re the sad, pathetic woman who is so afraid to be alone that you’ll stay married to some loser who’s hittin’ it all over town. But hey, at least at the end of the day, he still comes home to you, right? Riiiiight. Seriously, WTF. Men walk all over women like you because you LET them.

    A lot of you out there need to find some integrity. Amanda (#420) says it best. I like you, btw.

    Stay out of it, it’s not her business? Seriously? She’s ALREADY in it because he put her in it by hooking up with her and then lying about being engaged, leaving rehearsal dinner invitations around, etc. She’s already in it whether she likes it or not.

    LW, do the right thing. You would want to know, as would every other sane and rational person (clearly excluding a lot of these posters). You owe it to the bride-to-be. And ignore the posters that are placing blame on you. You did nothing wrong. Period. The loser you hooked up with is in the wrong, and his bride-to-be needs to know. Tell her. End of story.

    Posted by Enough Already July 1, 09 02:09 PM
  1. How dare the letter writer threaten to disrupt the plans of another adult so completely. Unless you are a law officer and make a commitment to society to invade other peoples privacy for the good and safety of us all, then you have no right to inject yourself into his and her lives. You may very well embarrass yourself. Perhaps he has consensual, casual, sex with other women; maybe his finance knows and approves, maybe she does not know and would not approve, but to even consider bringing this news to her is a very wrong, immature, hurtful thing to do. Keep your morals out of their lives.

    Posted by ryfromthemerrimackvalley July 1, 09 02:18 PM
  1. #474 - valentino
    Or better yet, I could be a complete and utter tool like you! Keep placating... we all know you have to! Those who lack the skills and talents have to find other ways to fall in line and carve out a pathetic niche. Keep catching the crumbs, saddlebags!

    But funny how you incessantly chase me around these boards, even when I take a few days off... still slinging rocks at the throne, like the jealous little b#tch that you are... Yeah, you might want to check whatever instability fuels that. (I already know, but will leave you to figure it out on your own.)

    Also funny to note how you and your little circle of sheep can only bring personal attacks and hate. Notice how you never once have the stones to address a single point I raise or provide one... legitimate... contradiction..... Nope, never. Just more bitter personal attacks and frustrated whimpering. So sad. Like any typical group of mindless Neanderthals, you need to chase me away from here so that my words stop rattling your cage. In fact, I almost didn't recognize you without your pitchfork and torch!

    Oh, and as for the Thesaurus comment -- No, sorry, I AM just that much more intelligent and verbally capable than you. I haven't picked up a Thesaurus since about '97. Then again, there'd be no shame if I had to. Your comment just illustrates how heavily you rely on facade "intelligence". People who would rather look smart, than BE smart. From your commentary, God forbid someone would need to consult a source of valuable information to better their vocabulary and improve their cognitive abilities. But I guess you would be far too inherently superior to ever require such assistance...

    So, are you quite done now with your verbal spanking? Want some more?? I'm sure I can count on you to chase down my next sneeze with great intensity...

    Posted by DJMcG July 1, 09 02:19 PM
  1. Tell her immediately! I sure wish someone had the kindness to let me know before I got married :(

    Finding out you don't know your spouse after you are married with children causes PTSD.

    Posted by citykitty617 July 1, 09 02:39 PM
  1. “Sneaking Through the Alley with Sally” Haiku

    Cynic in Sal sings
    Bated breath, razor retort
    Goodbye England’s Rose

    Posted by valentino July 1, 09 02:49 PM
  1. #411. Great post!! What you don't know can't hurt you. Are you single?

    Posted by Paul from Wellesley July 1, 09 03:00 PM
  1. Paco thinks DJMcG wastes WAY too much time and effort trying to impress and insult online strangers that could care less. Overcompensate much?

    Posted by Paco July 1, 09 03:22 PM
  1. Am I the only one who doesn't quite believe the LW's version of events? I don't get the people who are gung ho on calling this guy a cheater. He didn't cheat. You are all so sure that she should go ahead and interfere and ruin two people's lives - for what? Obviously from her last statement there are some immaturity issues here. Oh yeah, and going to a strange man's house. Again, my guess is that she wanted it, he said no, she thrives on drama (hence the letter), and in her own mind has justified it all because "he's a cheater". I read this column every day and have never written in before this letter. So many folks are so quick to jump to conclusions since they were cheated on, this guy must be a scum too. If the LW apporaches the bride to be, she's risking ruining lives for potentially no reason.

    Posted by Tricia July 1, 09 03:28 PM
  1. with swing club, open marriage acceptance, and divorce at the rate of 50%, I personally think, cheating is over rated in this 21st century. No one goes by the
    book anymore if you do, you will go insane, or living in a twilight zone kind of
    world. This country has been so sinful for so long. I am learning it and dealing with it.

    Posted by lawless July 1, 09 03:31 PM
  1. Thanks Elton, I mean, Valentino.

    Posted by Sally July 1, 09 04:00 PM
  1. Here's what I don't understand about posts like #411. As a SINGLE woman I often forgo sexual opportunities that present themselves for various emotional reasons. For crying out loud, is it really IMPOSSIBLE to believe that some MARRIED people WITH cheating opportunities actually use their brains to decide NOT to damage their marriages? Again, I do it as a single woman who has NO ONE to NOT cheat on.

    This woman is writing like everyone will have sex every single chance they get, no matter what. As much as people like to call themselves "animals," we're really not (I find it funny how people willingly line themselves up with animals when talking about sex, but are offended when called animals in OTHER regards.)

    And as for the later comment "what you don't know can't hurt you..." um, yes it sure can. It's called "wait a minute...how did I become HIV positive???" He promised to use protection? Please. If he can keep his mind level enough to use protection he can keep his mind level enough to respect you and your commitment and NOT do it to begin with.

    Posted by Beth July 1, 09 04:04 PM
  1. DJMcGM-O-U-S-E-
    In your #424 comment did you not use the phrase "val witted"? Who’s chasing who around these boards like a pride parade? You're a friendless little girl. Your family is concerned. And the tenor of your bluster unveils your ferocious impotence.

    Posted by valentino July 1, 09 04:07 PM
  1. I disagree with Meredith on this one (which is quite rare, really). Rather than assuming the bride won't listen/already knows/doesn't care, why not give her the chance to make an informed decision? I dated a guy for 8 years who spent the last year of our relationship cheating on me. I really wish one of the many people who must have known would have clued me in so I could have left with a little dignity.

    Furthermore, I think the letter writer is putting herself in physical danger if she just writes to the guy and threatens him. He clearly doesn't know where to draw the line on appropriate behavior; why assume he'll respond like a gentleman?

    Posted by sympathetic ear July 1, 09 04:14 PM
  1. #487:
    As expected: weak, very weak. What a waste of space... "little girl"? Could you reach a little further in to your bag of witless, 3rd-grade humor? What, no formulaic "spawn of" jokes to retreat back to?? Also, try sticking with one board name... I called out Val (from previous posts), not "valentino"... so now you're both??

    But no surprise, still no actual content in your posts. Keep fooling most of 'em though... You and I both know the truth.

    And as a parting gift: please don't attempt to compare us again, regardless of generational displacement... If I'm still popping over to this board at your age, desperately trying to placate internet hag-groupies and "standing up to the evil men" in an attempt to be coddled, I will have already lost... But then again, fortunately, I'm me!!

    Posted by DJMcG July 1, 09 05:23 PM
  1. Does Meredith read all of these? If so, can't tell if it is the dream job or the one from hell. I find compelling sides on both sides of the question (despite many nuances the basic question is whether to do something or not). However, I think the standard/rationale for doing something should be more compelling than not. I sort of doubt the author is trapped in some kind of genuine Thomas More kind of moral dilemma. She sounds rather self-important to me.

    Posted by Latecomer July 1, 09 10:38 PM
  1. DJ-
    As with all bullies, someone needs to tell you the truth. You march around these pages like Niedermeyer on his mount. Everything out of your McKeyboard is smarmy and nasty. You belittle and demean. That’s fine, but don’t be surprised when someone calls you on your s#!t. Too many people want to leave you to sleep in a corner. I think you’re best sleep deprived and waterboarded. I don’t think you should be banned from LL. You’re too convenient a mark for humor and pity. It gives us all someone to hold up as an example of one who is broken and defeated. I know your life is hard. I’m sorry it didn’t work out like you planned. You could put your energy towards something positive, but that would be more difficult and require more effort than a life filled with anger, resentment and failure. Right now, they don’t want you back in Whoville.

    Posted by valentino July 2, 09 11:59 AM
  1. I haven't read all the comments, so this is probably redundant.

    I am not so sure about emailing One Night Stand Guy, myself. At least, not if you still think you might want to email Wronged Fiancée. You're giving him the opportunity to set up a defense, to make up a story about crazy psycho you trying to ruin his life. And I don't really see the point, anyway. He already knows he's a sleazebag; he doesn't need you to point it out. If he CARED that he was a sleazebag, presumably he wouldn't be one.

    If you decide to email WF, assume that it will go badly: she won’t believe you, he’ll accuse you of being psycho crazy girl, etc. You still might decide to do it; I think that I might, too, in your shoes. I mean, the poor girl, she’s marrying a sleazebag, and we all know it’s going to go badly. If he’s cheating now, there’s not a lot of chance he’ll give it up for marriage. I’d want to know if I were her, even though I might not react all that well in the moment.

    Euw. I’m sorry you’re in this situation. Without wanting or intending to, you find yourself in possession of information that could have a real impact in a stranger’s life, and you’re stuck trying to figure out what to do with that information. It’s a tough decision.

    FWIW, I found Meredith’s opening lines weirdly moralistic – I don’t see you complaining that you got duped by ONSG, I see you enjoying a fun evening and then getting worried about WF, not yourself. (And nothing so very bad happened to you, anyway; you flirted with and didn’t have sex with a sleazebag. Shrug. That seems to be your attitude too, so go you.)

    Posted by MelissaJane July 2, 09 03:11 PM
  1. I would want to know. Wouldn't you? Tell her.

    Posted by trust me July 2, 09 05:06 PM
  1. You just met this guy once and according to you "nothing happened"! So dont worry about it and move on. He`s about to get married. He was probably trying to get some tail before his "I do`s" (not an excuse, just a theory). But "KUDOS" to you for keeping your pants on!

    Posted by LilShorty98 July 4, 09 11:57 AM
  1. I'm sorry I have not read all 239 posts, but the answer is simple. The woman can describe the interior of the groom's home. Now, she just has to put herself in the brides position - would she want to know? I would, but I am a man, and yes, women can behave the same. There are some who do not want to know - who's anger will be misplaced to the person trying to help. We are all a product of our past.

    I AM single, I do not wish to be, but I am happier not playing the fool. I am certain if I had had a terrific childhood, I would be happily married. I still hope that will happen someday. Until then, I learn every day.

    Posted by A July 7, 09 10:48 AM
  1. Let’s be mature here people. To tell the fiancee is not Answer This’s responsibility. She does not know the fiancee and did not know the situation the guy was in. He knowingly lied about it. The responsibility is on the groom to be that cheated. If he has any ounce of decency he will tell his fiancee. Hopefully he is reading these comments and realizes he is NOT READY to GET MARRIED and should not be ruining his fiancee’s future. Actions speak louder than words.

    Posted by Kristin July 7, 09 03:30 PM
  1. Salut! Informative, good design, well done!.
    I am from Wales and also now'm speaking English, please tell me right I wrote the following sentence: "A large fibre includes of at least three piles of the significant exposure, 09 stock picks."

    THX :o, Rondel.

    Posted by Rondel September 5, 09 02:52 AM
 
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Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.

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