Do I tell the bride he's cheating?
Folks, I looked today, and we're almost to our 10,000th comment. I think the person who is the 10,000th commenter should win a prize or something. That's pretty big. I'll let you know when it happens.
This one's about disclosure.
Q: I recently met a really nice, funny, attractive-in-all-the-right-ways guy. My friends and his friends met out one evening and hung out for a while. We were then invited to one of the guy’s homes where the fun flirting and attraction continued. We stayed until the following morning. No sex -- although he wanted to and asked many times if it could happen. The morning after, the four of us laughed, drank coffee and he asked for my number for the second time since meeting. While in his friend's kitchen I came upon a rehearsal dinner and wedding invitation – with just a first name on it. It was his name (which is a very common name). I joked that it was his. He said it was a friend’s. I took note of the web address on the invites. Later I visited the website and discovered it is, in fact, him getting married this mid-July. The website shows photos of the life he has lead for the last 3 years with his fiancée. I feel bad for the woman. She is marring a man who completely disrespected her and the relationship. There is an email to contact on the website which is hers. Should I give her a heads up as to her fiancée’s recent activities? Or should I let karma take its course? Also, what is up with guys?
-- AnswerThis, Boston
A: AT, some of my readers are going to tell you that this is why you shouldn’t go home with strangers. But that’s not really the point of this letter, is it? You’re upset that you were duped -- but you’re more concerned about this person’s fiancée and whether you should e-mail her to let her know what she’s getting into.
This question comes up a lot – whether a third party should inform someone in a couple about a cheat.
The thing is, there is no right answer. All options feel very, very wrong. If you tell, it’s possible – and probable – that the fiancée won’t believe you. You’re a stranger, after all, and he’s probably a great liar. If you don’t tell, you’re withholding information that could save this woman from a partnership rooted in deception.
My advice is to e-mail him. Find his contact information through your friends. Tell him you’re very sorry he lied, not because you can’t handle it, but because you assume he’s marrying someone who believes in him, someone who deserves much better. The note probably won’t do much – but it couldn’t hurt for him to have a little scare and a reminder that his actions have consequences. That’s the best you can do.
As for what’s up with guys … Guys? Want to field that one? Do all men do this? I hope not. Everyone, share thoughts here. Letters to the right. Twitter here.
-- Meredith
In the Internet Age we have a saying "This Post is Useless without Pictures!". Well your e-mail to the Bride will be useless also, she will just see you as some catty opportunistic slut trying to steal her man via rumor and innuendo. I say invite the guy out for drinks, get in him a "compromising position" and snap a few Photos! Then e-mail those to the Fiancee, and enjoy all the hilarity that will ensue!
He's clearly an idiot. But I wouldn't try to ask "What's up with guys?" lumping all of us together. If stuff like this is a recurring experience with you (which sounds like the case because of the question), then maybe you should ask why am I attracted to this kind of guy
I tend to live life with a "do what you can do" attitude. You have the power to warn the bride about the sleazeball she is about to marry. Do it. What she does with it is really up to her.
Oh man, what a dog. I completely agree with Mer -- you should email him. BUT, I think you should say "I found out you're the one getting married, not your friend. Your soon-to-be wife NEEDS to know what kind of a person you are. I'm giving you one week to tell her before I email her." Then it's up to you whether you really email her or not, but I think this needs to come from him and he needs to believe you're going to tell her if he doesn't.
I'd also suggest finding out where she works or hangs out and go strike up a convo woth her without letting her know who you are to get a feel for what kind of a person she is. If it were me, this would help me decide whether to tell her myself or not.
Real men don't do this.
My evil twin suggests....... create a new email address in Yahoo or GMail or something for this. Send him the email that Meredith has suggested. Ask him why you shouldn't call his fiancee to tell her what a scumbag he is being. When he responds, send your original and his response to her.....
That's a tough one! I am getting married this Fall and I can say without a doubt that I would want to know if my fiance was cheating. Hands down. What happens if they get married, have kids and he cheats again down the road? Then there are more parties involved and it just gets messy. I say email his fiance.
I don't know about Meredith's advice. What if the email is so threatening to this guy and his plans that he does something unexpected? What if Answer This is suddenly threatened back. Also, warning him can give him an opportunity to set up a defense.
There are basically 2 choices. One do nothing, this fiancee has her own responsibility to know the guy she's going to marry. Two, you tell her that her future hubby is a dog and see what happens. You could be doing the woman a favor.
The safest and easiest thing is to do nothing. Without any knowledge of their relationship and with little knowledge of this man and his character, that is the safest bet. But if you feel some compelling reason why this woman you don't know needs to be warned then go ahead. You may make a new friend for life, or a new enemy for life.
I think you need to leave the fiance out of this as you do not know her. But what about your friends, didn't they know him already? They let this go on knowing he was about to tie the knot? I would tell the people you know that know him. Maybe then the word will get back to her from friends rather than a stranger.
I'd just move along. No need to take the risk of this bringing drama into your life if the guy's fiancee freaks out on you and accuses you of something you didn't even do. He probably already understands that you figured out he lied about the wedding invitation so contacting him is probably useless..
I agree with Meredith. If she tells the bride, she won't believe her anyway, but it will still ruin what should be a happy day. I know that is kind of lame, but if the bride is going to marry him anyway, she might as well be happy about it. Very small chance that the bride will believe her. Besides, weren't a lot of his friends around and witness to the flirting? Maybe one of them will clue her in and if they don't, it isn't up to you. I would probably go a little farther in an email to him, about really looking at himself - like why would he be getting married if he is still cheating.
Not a guy, but I don't think all guys are like this. I think both genders can be like this if they are not really in love with the person they are marrying.
Sounds familiar! Ready for this!!? My last boyfriend (not even sure I'm really allowed to call him that anymore?) was a liar and a cheater as well. After two years of being with him, I found out on theknot.com he had been engaged the entire time I had known him and been with him! All the guys on here are probably thinking, how stupid could this girl have been to not figure this out? I wondered the same thing after, but when I say this guy was a good liar, he was a good liar. Anyway, after I found out I wondered what the best approach to take was. Tell him I knew, tell her about him, or let it all go entirely. Your situation is a bit different considering you barely know this guy, so really? Why does it matter to you AT ALL?
I obviously confronted my so-called boyfriend at the time and let him know what I found out. I told him "Heather" would be very upset if she found out what he had been doing for the past 2 years and that I knew how to contact her if I felt the need to. I felt like that was enough to scare him. As far as telling her? The thought never crossed my mind. I realized how much learning about those lies affected me and I don't need to be the one to bring that kind of pain on that poor, unsuspecting girl! My guess? He'll do it again, and next time he won't be so lucky. She'll find out and he'll get what's coming to him. Until then, what she doesn't know won't hurt her.
Tell him you know and never contact him (or her) again.
I agree with Meredith - contact him and let him know that you know and think his bride to be deserves better than him. I also think that contacting the bride will make her suspicious, but will most likely result in nothing changing - he will deny it, she will probably write you off as a loon who found her website. Either way, good choice to not sleep with him.
When I was in college and couple had been dating since high school but attended different colleges. At a certain point (at least for the final two years) the woman began to cheat on the boyfriend (someone I knew, but not that well). I was first hand witness to several instances of this (once with a friend of mine) and never said anything. I come to find out that the two had become engaged after graduation and also did not say anything. I felt that if I were in his place I would want to know, but I also didn’t feel that it was my place to say anything.
I don't think emailing him will do anything because lets face it, he seems to be open to cheating and therefore lying already which shows a lack of respect for his fiancee. Do you really think he has an concern about you and if you respect him?
The bride to be may or maynot believe you because you are a stranger to her. But then again she may be riding out some uneasiness about her fiance and just have nothing to go on other than feelings. Personally I would get his email addie and the one that is on the website, and then email both at the same time. State the facts you met him with friends there were always other people present and you had a good time. Describe the RD invite etc and asked if it was his and that he denied it. Then sign off saying that you thought everyone should be aware of the situation and they can do what they like, but you are out of the equation because you don't date married or soon to be married people.
If I were her, I would want to know, so I were you, I would email her. I'd tell her exactly what you wrote here- you thought you met this great, single guy, came across the wedding stuff, realized it was his. Whether she believes or not is up to her, but I'd include details about where you went, whose place you were at when you found the wedding details, so she knows that you were where you said you were. Then it's up to her.
I would 100% email her based on the fact that a buddy of mine got married, went on his honeymoon on the other side of the world and on the second day there, his new wife says, "I'm so glad we are married and can put our pasts behind us." He was a little taken aback and inquired further, long story short, she was cheating on him up until they got married. Needless to say, they got divorced. (small consolation...the father of the bride made his daughter pay for the wedding). So moral of the story, better to know before you get married then after. So "what's up with girls?"...?
As for the "whats up with guys" question, both sexes do it, per my example above, which is lame but a fact of life, gotta choose wisely.
Email her. CC him. She'll know it's legit when he starts acting oddly.
Meredith's advice is sound, but I have a different approach and view. There is no pretty way to handle this. It is an ugly situation all around. I probably would contact the bride, personally. Having worked with patients with HIV/AIDS and seen the destruction and devastation that one little cheat can cause a whole family, my concern would be for the bride's health if her groom has or will pick something up and pass it along to her.
I would email the bride or send her a letter. I would tell her which night, which address, describe the interior of the apartment to verify that you had really been there, like a decoration on the wall or a weird ornament. That way if you are wrong, it will be all sorted out, and if you are right, she can’t argue that you’ve got the wrong guy. I would tell her that you didn’t sleep with him, but that if he propositioned you he may be propositioning others, and that if she does nothing else, she should really make sure to use condoms and spermicide to protect herself from anything he has or might contract.
Sexual fidelity isn’t just a matter of morality anymore. HPV virus can cause cervical cancer and sometimes the need for a partial removal of one’s cervix, rendering them unable to carry a pregnancy. HIV/AIDS still shortens a person’s life even with the best drugs we have, and Hep C is a long, slow, painful death with medication that never really tames the painful symptoms. THAT is why I think you should contact the bride.
I think you should keep out of this. Not your battle and you have absolutely no idea on the background of those two. Cut all ties with the guy and move on, mind your own business.
wow...tough one....I have to be honest, six months before I got married...I had some questionable actions with a friend. I was completely freaked out, and I wasn't trying to be immoral. I loved my future wife and still do even more today. But, I was weakened and was dumb. I think It was a freedom thing more than anything else. The funny thing is I still have plenty of freedom now and I choose to not use it and stay home. I have no excuse or explaination, just bad choices that I have to move on from. this is a tough call because you know nothing of the situation or either of the two involved. It may not be as cut and dry as you think..or it could be that cut and dry...
Walk away. Sounds callous, but here's what will happen if you try to get involved: If you tell her, she likely won't believe you and will instead conclude that you're after her man. She may try to retaliate. It could get ugly -- vandalism to your car, harassing phone calls, restraining orders. If you tell him, he may get nervous and either try to trash your reputation to anyone you know, and/or cover his bases with her by telling her awful things about how you're a Fatal Attraction bunny boiler type. Depending on how much he says it could also get very ugly.
Hold your head up and walk away. Don't look back. It's her life lesson to learn.
Meredith's comments in this article remind me of when I was watching the Today Show after the whole Governor Sanford thing and the topic of the day was "Why do men cheat?" It said these words right on the bottom of the screen while the people on the show were discussing why men cheat. I was waiting for Part 2 of the segment in which they discussed "Why do women cheat?"...but of course that segment never came.
The fiance isnt going to believe you anyways, I agree with Meredith on that. People deserve the people they end up with most of the time.
Mere, I think you should edit the letters. "...one of the guy's homes..."? "She is marring a man..." ? "...her fiancée’s recent activities"?
Okay, that's not the point. I think your advice is perfect. LW doesn't ruin the wedding for the bride (because that kind of information just would), and she clues the philanderer in that he'd better watch out. Not that I necessarily believe this, but he might plan on being a completely faithful husband after he takes the vows.
If you tell the bride, chances are she won't believe you, like M Gold said. I'd just let this one go, it really doesn't concern you. You are probably just one of a number of women he has tried to bed down outside of his relationship with the bride to be. You didn't do anything so your conscious is clear. Bringing this up will only add drama to your life, seriously, what's the best thing that can happen from you telling the bride?
It would be one thing if you knew the Bride but you don't know either of these people. Butt out.
It's entirely possible that these 2 could have a long + happy marriage.
Not to put a morbid point on this topic, but-- if he had contracted HIV from his affairs, would we even be having this discussion? Of course the bride needs to know what he's doing, because someday he might.
I like Poster No. 5's idea, of emailing him to ask what's going on, and then forward the whole original email and his response to the bride. Just put, 'If it were me, I'd want to know about this. Good luck' at the top, and then never investigate or ponder the matter further. It's their business, not yours.
I'd stay out of it. I can't think of any good that could come out of telling the bride what you know.
On the other hand, I love the idea of e-mailing him with something short and discreet. The knowledge that someone out there has put two and two together may accelerate the process of turning him into a better man.
Jeff, you are right on the money. Your idea is the best of the bunch!
The most important thing here is that you don't feel comfortable doing nothing. And to me, that speaks pretty highly of you as a person.
I do think, unfortunately, that the fiancee might not believe you if you were to email her. I think that emailing the guy is really the best option you have. I wouldn't be ridiculously confrontational; that will just lead to him getting defensive and ignoring you. But I would certainly let him know how you feel about being lied to, and that you're concerned for his fiancee, who obviously trusts him.
And if he emails you back and is all obnoxious? Forward the convo to the fiancee. This guy needs to learn that his actions have consequences.
With all due respect, Meredith’s advice is off-target. In addition, I expect you’ll receive a barrage of man bashing comments that you are so badly seeking. Your closing question “what is up with guys?” pretty much gives that away as your ulterior motive.
My advice: Mind your own business!
Frankly, your wannabe detective act is uncalled for. Who are you to snoop around? Peeking at a wedding invite, asking him about it, memorizing the website, checking out the pictures, getting the bride-to-be’s email address, etc.? What are you trying to accomplish? What is your motivation? I know you are so desperately trying to portray this as a “good deed” to save the bride-to-be, but obviously, you have other motivations.
It sure sounds like you have a low opinion of men and high opinion of yourself that you are trying to justify it with this letter. Gosh, we’re soo impressed that he asked for your number twice and asked you for sex! Wow! Blah...blah...blah....men are pigs. Give me a break. This was one night with ONE GUY.
I'd also advise you to take your “tease and then snoop” road show to another location and leave this alone.
p.s. Check your own backyard before you go snooping around your neighbor’s.
That’s all the time we’ve got for today.
- Hoss
Sorry you were duped. I'm even sorrier for the woman who might marry this self-centered, deceitful bastard. No, not all men do this. Some of us have actually been dealt the same cards by the bride-to-be. I would definitely contact him and summarily put the fear of God in him, if that’s possible. He might come to his senses and either realize he made a grave mistake by pursuing you (I’m sure you’re lovely) or he may decide to back out of his pending nuptials, crush his fiancée, but allow her to dodge what sounds like an even more painful bullet.
I agree with Jeff - she'll be much more likely to believe you if you attach an email from him asking you to keep quiet about it.
My question is, what about the friends? Assuming they were his, why were they encouraging (or at least not trying to stop) his attempts at cheating?
ooohhh Jeff, that is deliciously evil.
If I found myself in this position, I would probably do nothing and just never contact the man again. I am not saying it is the right thing to do, I just hate getting mixed up in other people's lives/business.
However, this is marriage. Not just a relationship. This woman probably trusts her finance with everything and I agree she will be reluctant to believe you. Jeff's idea is very smart. He will have a hard time explaining an email to you. The real question is: How involved do you want to get? If this woman demands proof, do you have it? Are you willing to help her catch him cheating? These are things she may ask of you. Also, prepare yourself for backlash from the man. I am not saying he is justified, but things could get very ugly.
You should tell her. She may or may not believe you but you should try. You may just spare this woman years of misery. Do you think she wants to have kids with a man who cheats?
Send an email. Give as much detail as possilbe. Give the date, time and location of your meeting -chances are he lied about what he was doing. Describe his apartment in detail. Give her your name, email and phone number and invite her to call you with any questions she has.
I don't know if I would advise AnswerThis to contact the groom. You have no idea how stable he is. He's already proven himself to be a liar and a cheat. What if he is violent? That's an episode of CSI in the making.
As for telling the bride, I say let the buyer beware. Sucks to be her.
I'm sure we'll see the usual suspects writing in about how "men aren't built to be monogamous" and "you can't fight the natural impulse to spread your seed ", etc., etc. My response to that is: if you can't control your impulses and your own body - you need professional help.
Email him and the fiancee asking about when you are all getting together for the threesome he suggested you have. Coordinate with the future bride on outfits and what you are having for dinner.
Wow, I rather agree with Jeff's thought on how to deal with this guy. The bride-to-be deserves to know what kind of "gentleman" she is marrying. And I do agree that just emailing her may elicit a well-crafted lie from him explaining the situation as a case of catty woman seeking to steal another woman's dude. Good luck.
Terrible as the situation is, I don't think you should tell the fiancee. Its not your responsibility or burden...and she probably wouldn't believe you anyway. The most it would do would be to cast a shadow over the wedding, which will probably still go on no matter what you do. If you feel like you need to get involved, you should contact him - but just tell him that you know and you disapprove. If you threaten to tell his fiancee he'll just make up something to tell her before you get a chance, so she won't believe anything you say. Hopefully this guy will stop doing these things once he's married, but it is not your fault and you shouldn't feel like you have to fix the situation.
You went home with him one night and didn't even have sex. This is so not your business. Leave them alone.
What's up with GUYS?
How about what's up with guys AND girls? Cheating is not exclusive to one sex.
Fun flirting and attraction? Really? With guys you obviously don't really know? Overnight? May I ask if you are single?
To answer your question, I have to go along with Mere here. E-mail HIM and let him know that what he did was rotten and that he is lucky you don't contact her.
Hopefully, the bride to be is smart enough to figure out on her own if he continues this behaviour.
However - and this is big - if you happen to see this guy again and the same type of thing happens, well...then 2 strikes and you're out.
DrK
Riiiiight... let's just go ahead and judge all guys based on this one zero. Look, in the past 3 years one of my friends married a woman and got divorced in less than a year because he soon found out that not only was she a coke head, but she had cheated on him several times during their short marriage. I JUST found out last night that another friend is getting a divorce because his wife of less than TWO years started an affair while on a business trip and racked up 10K in secret credit card debt going to visit the guy.
Not saying guys are perfect, but I've run into some real gems of women recently. Yikes.
I think you should mind your own business. You don't know him sans one night and you don't know her at all. Don't play god, let karma take is course.
If they were both friends that would be different but you have no right to get involved. Now if he starts contacting you you need to be firm in your words and tell him you know his MO and tell him to stop calling!
I had a similar situation a few years back. An old "flame" started emailing me, suggesting we get together and have some fun like we used to...I soon found out that he had a fiance, and that they were set to marry very shortly. I told him exactly how I felt about his inappropriate messages, and that I had no desire in meeting up with him. His messages continued however, so I took matters into my own hands and contacted his fiance (via a Facebook message). I got a very nice written apology from him two days later. They're married now, but I'm assuming she gave him a piece of her mind after my message...which he absolutely deserved. Personally, I believe scum like him deserve being "thrown under the bus".
You're probably not the first girl he has hit on!
Hold on a second! Not only was engaged guy #1 messing around, but the invite to the rehearsal dinner was in the kitchen of guy #2?! Am I reading that right? So the friend was complicit in groom-to-be's attempted dalliances? That's really kind of odd...
But, the bottom line is NOTHING happened. Tell the guy off if that makes you feel better, but don't do a thing more. You think the fiancee does not know what kind of guy her groom-to-be is? Of course, she knows.
She's just like you, no doubt - staying up all night flirting and teasing some guy you just met...feels nice, huh? Sort of an ego trip? Yeah, move along.
You should mind your business. You even said there was no sex so what exactly did he do wrong? Maybe you forgot to include that you didnt get any and feel rejected, which is why you want to get back at this guy. Girls dont go home with guys after a night of drinking for laughs and coffee in the morning. They go home with them with one thing on their mind. You should send an email to yourself asking why you go to randam guys houses after a night of drinking.
Do not, DO NOT, contact this poor woman. Why would you insert yourself into a situation where you do not know the parties involved? Be grateful you weren't this guy's last drunken fling before the nuptials or even his regularly scheduled one-night stand, but other than that, stay away. The bride will not thank you for inflicting massive pain, confusion, and possibly ruining her wedding. The groom may make it his mission to seek revenge. Nothing good can come from getting involved in this.
It's not all guys that do this. It's kind of an unfair sample size since the ones that do cheat on their significant others are the ones you meet at the clubs and the ones that aren't are spending time with their significant others. I'm sure some women do this as well. Anyways, if you do send an email to this woman, then you ought to give proof like what his bedroom looks like and stuff like that. I'm not sure whether or not it's your place to alert her of his sleaziness, but if you are already thinking about it, you might want to do it so that you have a clear conscience. At least you can say you tried.
OH MY! Something VERY eerily similar happened to one of my girlfriends in college. We met a bunch of guys out one night. They all seemed so fun and up for a good time. My friend lets call her Jane took a liking to guy named Dick. We all went back to Dick's house for a little after party and Dick and Jane hooked up. Although not her proudest moment, it was Dick's bachelor party (!!?!) Dick and Jane exchanged numbers and when she called him he hung up on her. One of his friends ended up spilling the beans to us months later.
My advice to you AnswerThis, is just forget you even met this low-life loser. It does make for a good story! Just leave it at that.
First of all, I think you handled this situation with tact. Excellent work on getting to the bottom of this deceptive guy’s behavior. He is being TOTALLY unfair to his fiancée. This guy sounds like a dog. I am sorry he duped you and you are a good person to want to help the other woman he is lying to.
Per usual, I agree with Meredith – email or reach out to him, not her. That way you can give him a second chance to think about what he has done. You will have fulfilled your moral responsibility and eventually, karma will run its course.
Although your intentions are in the right place, this girl probably won’t appreciate your contact and/or believe you. After all, you ARE a random stranger to her and it might seem like you are jealous or trying to break up what she must believe is a happy relationship.
It sounds like this guy is a great liar, and its probably not the first time he has done something horrible behind his fiancée’s back. Even if you do nothing, she will probably figure it out eventually. Its not your responsibility to point out that the man she is choosing to marry isn’t an ideal partner. That is for her to decide and find out on her own.
It's none of your business. You hooked up with some dude who misrepresented himself trying to score a one night stand. Whether he is married, engaged or single, your only concern is how he treats you. Complicating your own life by interjecting into someone else's life, someone you do not even know, is asking for trouble and ultimately a useless folly. Maybe next time get to know someone before you get intimate enough to care about things like this...
Stay out of it. He could be a nut-job and you could end up involved in something you don't want to be. Don't make threats as others have suggested. If he gets desperate, it could get ugly.
Rico hates cheaters and has some opinions to share:
Rico thinks you should email him but you may want to BCC his fiance' and the email her back the response. If you have pictures from that night of the group or specifically you and he together then email that as well and maybe fuzz out your face just in case. Bottom line is this. Rico knows it is wrong for these two to marry but regardless if you rat him out or not they still may go through with it anyhow. Rico thinks the best approach is to spill the dirt and let her make the decision. If she is too blind to see the truth then it will be her problem later to deal with.
Rico has another opinion on all guys doing this. First of all it is not all guys, it is both men and women that do this. Rico knows personally of women and men that have cheated and continue to do so. To lump them together as all guys is incorrect. Just read the fellow comments from previous days and Rico assumes many that will post today that the cheats are everywhere and not one gender.
Why was this guy out with you all in the first place and where was the girlfriend? Did you and your friends know him and his friends before you met out that night or was this a random meeting of new friends? How old?
Be careful and Rico will check back later with further comments.
Thank you and have a wonderful day.
Love always,
Rico
Gears not Gas...great day for a ride!!!
I like Jeff's suggestion. Contact him and get him to incriminate himself. He is likely to not respond to you, but at least you tried.
Whoa!!! What a jerk. It's a tough call but I think I would want to know now and save me the heartache down the road.
I'm sure if you did email the fiance and give her the details of the friend's house and the invite and how you obtained the website info and her email address she will probably realize this isn't a joke. Then it's up to her what to do with the info. You mentioned there was no sex but I'm sure there was some kissing and fooling around which I'm sure he'll explain away to his fiance as nothing and have her convinced that he wasn't cheating....That's what these type of jerks do...Total player!!
Don't bother talking to him about it! He's either going to deny it or some how make you look stupid. I would send her a link to this Love Letter and apologize for not knowing...it wasn't your fault, but she should know the type of person she's going to spend the rest of her life with. As gk08 said, what she does what that information is up to her, but at least you know you did all you could.
By the way Meredith, this is the kind of Love Letter I LOVE. A little relationship drama (that needs good advice) is the highlight of my workday. Excellent choice today. Please keep up the good work :)
I agree with some of the posters here. I think you should create a new email address and email him about the other night, putting details into the email about what he said, what happened, etc. After a few back and forth emails, send him a link to his wedding website, let him know that you know he's getting married, and tell him you'll be forwarding your email chain to his fiance.
That will give him a good scare, and maybe he'll confess something to her. But don't send the email. Giving him a good scare might just be enough, and you won't be responsible for the demise of a marriage and last minute cancellation of a (likely) expensive wedding.
As far as your question about guys -- I think although some guys are experts at being deceptive, a lot of guys are pretty straightforward about what their deal is. I think sometimes the problem is that women only see and hear what they want to believe, even when the truth is staring them right in the face. I think it would be a good idea to be more skeptical, and don't make it too easy for a guy to get in your pants. Make him work for it (many dates), and that's when you'll know you have a winner.
#5 got it right! Or better yet, BCC her on the original email you send, and then forward her a copy of the reply! Then it won't be a matter of her not believing you because she doesn't know you, she will just know what a scumbag her fiancee is!
Jeff, how delightfully devilish you are. And right on. She will find every reason not to believe some stranger that emails her telling her that the love of her life is a scumbag. If she has proof in his reply to you right before her eyes, that's pretty hard to ignore. I think she needs to know. I know I would want to.
I definitely wouldn't tell the fiance, this guy will talk his way out of it. I agree with Meredith that you should say something directly to the guy. I wouldn't however threaten that you will tell the finace because it's very likely that he'll cover his as by again talking his way out of it. He'll tell his fiance some crazy story about how he and his friend met you girls at a bar and went back to the friends house and when he rebuffed your advances you decided to get even by threatening to track down his fiance. This way he's already come clean and covered his butt should you actually confront her.
This is a tough situation you got yourself in - however, I think you shoudl tell her, I mean if it were you, wouldn't you want to know. It is unfortunate that some men can not be faithful to their commitments, I don't understand that. I feel like more and more people today are just selfish and lack integrity - it is unfortunate. While his fiancee should know his character at this point, perhaps she is deluding herself though and if that is the case then she will likely not even listen to what you have to say. I still think if it were me and I were about to marry a deceptive person, I would want someone to tell me, even if I didn't listen to them right away I would be able look back and think, someone did try to warn me, I just chose not to listen.
I agree with #3. If it were me, as devastating as I know it would be, I'd really want to know.
It will be much worse when she learns of this later on when his attraction distraction continues. I'm sure you weren't his first & only distraction, but maybe you are the one who will put a stop to his wayward ways against this woman. You'll probably feel worse if you don't say anything and live with the knowledge that someone is unknowingly living a lie. Nothing worse than being faithful and trusting in a relationship and finding that you've been betrayed in this way.
What is the point of telling the bride? Who is to say this isn't a case of the guy getting a little before he is married, in the same sense of cheating on the bachelor party evening. Why tell her - just to ruin her life?
Not advocating this is OK, but I see this a bigger deal for the girl, who was being tricked into a one night stand by a cad that is taken.
I like the send her an e-mail thing. She wont believe you because girls are always in denial that their guy would do that and they are afraid of starting over alone but why not. If you've been dating someone through a good portion of you or their twenties then someone has cheated on someone. That's just the way it is. Sorry folks. Denial is not a river in Egypt
Sorry, but you're pretty invasive and sleeping there the first night? But made a point of saying "NO SEX", but you're all taking note of the web address on the invite. Get over yourself...
I'd stay out of it entirely...I know we all want to help someone else out, but when it comes to this stuff, there are underlying dangers that are out there that make getting involved a terrible idea. Sometimes the idea of being a "nice" person trumps common sense. You don't really know either of these people, it really would not be your place to get involved, as emailing or contacting her would be useless, and might cause some blowback if she takes it as you "being with her man" and he's obviously a scumbag capable of anything...Look out for yourself on this one and stand clear
Yesterday I disagreed with Meredith... today I TOTALLY agree. Definitely write to him and let him know he's a loser. Perhaps it will scare him into changing his behavior - more than likely, though, you're not the first person he's tried this with and probably won't be the last. You don't know the bride and she may even think you really do want him and are just trying to break them up. Plus she probably knows - even if you can't put a finger on it, you know when something isn't right - guarantee she's not completely in the dark about his activities, but probably doesn't want to face it.
I am a guy and I slept with a girl that was living with/owned a home with a guy and they are now married I think. I was with her for 9 months back in 1994/1995, I was single, she was the cheater.
I was with a married woman that has 2 children with her husband, a house, etc...and yes I was still single and under the opinion that they were split/seperated but learned they weren't after a short time. She is still cheating, cheated before she was with me and will probably cheat for a lot longer.
I know a guy that cheated on his wife and is taking a break from cheating but probably will cheat again if he has a chance. I know another guy that cheated on his wife with a friend of mine and she sent photo's to his wife AT CHRISTMAS of him cheating on her.
I have been out in the bars/clubs and seen women on girls nights out cheat and seen men do the same. I have met more than my fair share of married/involved women that are cheating or have cheated so to say it is just guys is crazy and shortsighted.
Send the information to the guys fiance and let her decide for herself. Don't hold that info, I probably should have spoken up about the girls I was with to their husbands/boyfriends but I was too nice and let it go. Do the right thing and let her know so we don't get a letter on here from her in a few months about her new husband of 3 months cheating and what she should do.
The man is a turd. But you really don't know what he is capable of. If you frick with his life... he may hunt you down and frick with yours. Proceed with caution.
Guy writing here. Yes of course tell her. Let her process the information however she will, but she should know this happened. Maybe she's okay with it, maybe not, but why play games? Just let her know.
I like the idea of emailing him, getting his response and then forwarding it to the bride....
Do not get involved! I was in a similar situation but I knew the guy beforehand. When I found out that he had not in fact broken up with his live-in girlfriend like he told me, I sent her an email letting her know what happened. It didn't go over too well with either of them. The result was he enacted some revenge tactics and I had to do some serious damage control. Moral of the story: Don't bother because it's definitely not worth it. It's probably a deep and complex situation that you don't even know the half of. Forget about it and move on.
i would NOT interfere with two people's lives of whom you barely know - please do not email the bride. if he really is this sketchy, she probably has some knowledge of his behaviors, but refuses to see it.
i would agree with meredith - email him. it will give him a scare that his actions do have consequences.
Real men, and real women, do this all the time. In fact, he and the fiancee may have an arrangement. You don't know. You don't know because it is not your business.
Your business is with him. Talk to him if you are going to talk to anyone.
Sportsclub/LA has a a bunch of women members cheating on husbands (one from Gloucester?). How many guys did she cheat with? There are plenty of cheats both girls and guys. I'm married too and cheat on my wife with some of the women I met at that club.
Oh, wait until Rico reads this one LOL!
I would e-mail her and tell her the complete story in detail with real names, times & date. And say that nothing happened, but it could have and probably would have if the LW had not seen the invite. Apparently, he's a charmer if nothing else! OR e-mail him, make him squirm and forward everything to the bride to be. Messy!
You need to trap him. As you know, everyone is innocent until proven guilty. If you're going to be the third party, the P.I., you'll need some hard evidence to present your case to the fiancee' Since you didn't do anything yet, you're options are open. He wants to talk to you and get to know you more. Set up a new email address and reply to him saying you had a good time that night, flirt with him again via email get his phone number, get him to talk more through email. Leave a trail of breadcrumbs. Once you have enough evidence beyond your reasonable doubt, forward this along to the fiancee. That should raise questions.
Paco is sorry to hear that this "really nice" guy is not nice at all. There are many words Paco has to describe cheaters; "nice" is not one of them. Paco agrees with the sentiments previously posted. The bride-to-be deserves to know, although she deserves to hear it from her fiance (who will likely never tell her; if integrity was one of his attributes, he wouldn't have been trying to cheat to begin with). Paco likes the idea of warning him that you'll tell his fiance, and then giving him a week to man-up and actually do so. Paco feels bad that you were duped by this loser, but worse for his prospective wife.
As for the "what's up with guys" question, Paco is a bit taken aback. Save for talking about himself in the third person as an homage to Rico, Paco is a stand-up guy, and Paco thinks it's unfair to judge all men by the behavior of a few jerks. Paco has seen women do some really bad things, but he does not hold that against all women (unlike some misogynists). There are good and people of both sexes, and of all colors, religious beliefs and sexual orientations. All men do not do this. So says the Paco!
Good luck, AnswerThis,
Paco
Pick me pick me pick me (for #10,000).
Love, Alvin
The scariest part of this is the comments from laurahere - "I'd suggest finding out where she works or hangs out and go strike up a convo with her" WTF? Sounds like another crazy, bitter woman with way too much time on her hands. You do understand that could be classified as stalking... right?!!?
My advice is to let it go. You do not have any history with this guy, you just met him. It's not your responsiblity to tell anyone (him or his fiance). Also, you do not know if this is a pattern with him, ie. does he cheat all the time? Or was this just a last fling he was hoping for? Just be thankful you found out before taking the next step with him.
As for men in general, no, they are not all like this.
Stay out of it. It's truly not your business. Even if you send something "anonymously" it will come back to you. Move on. Be glad you didn't sleep with him. You snooped on the wedding website so on some level you knew he wasn't as great as he seemed after one night and many drinks out. He's simply a good looking guy you met in a bar. Don't get involved.
I read these every morning, and once in a while I respond, but usually I can't simply because I am astounded at others' responses! Such as this one. I cannot believe the suggestions here. Meredith almost always hits it on the head by taking a moderate approach. She understands that we are all human and seems to come across as someone who has lived a little. I'm not so sure about everyone else here. Why should this woman do anything more than, AT MOST, email the groom-to-be? Why is it her business? And create phony email accounts? Bait him into compromising photographs? What? Are you kidding me? TRUST me, the best thing would be to ignore it. Leave this guy to screw up on his own. These things always have a way of working themselves out. Karma, or whatever. They really do. How is emailing the bride about this going to spare her heartache? It's not. It will only put you in the middle of a dysfunctional relationship. It's a sad situation. Don't get involved.
WoW!!!!! this is so scary!!!!! what an idiot. What to do in such a disgusting situation? HMMM...I think I agree with Mer. Find out his email and let him know that you know about his wedding. Scare him a little : )
Of course you should contact her! Why do people watch car races? To see the southern fried bubbas crash and burn! I can’t think of having more fun than watching the doomed marriage of a predator implode before uttering the words “I do”. It’s as close to playing God as you’ll ever get. But you don’t have to get judgmental. You just need to somehow let her know that her husband to be is not all he should be (without letting him find out that it was you). She’ll believe what she wants to believe. ON THE OTHER HAND: Perhaps the “agreement” between the couple is that it’s permissible to get your ya-yas out before stepping on the glass. You never know. In that case; you’re a pawn in the sexual game of ‘kiss and tell’. Remember the scene in “Sideways” where Thomas Haden Church and the married waitress were caught in bed by her husband? When Paul Giamatti went back to retrieve Church’s wallet, he witnessed the couple having raucous sex while vociferously recounting her escapades with Church. Talk dirty to me. And that’s where the question/veiled statement “WHAT’S UP WITH GUYS” gets a little messy. I know you think women are victims and men are looters. I’m sure it started with hunters and gatherers, the clubbing of women and Ring Around the Collar. But cheating; in all phases of life, is an issue for both genders. Years ago, I used to get calls from exes wanting to hook up just before they were about to get married. At first I thought it was because they wanted great, exciting, no holds barred sex with someone before settling in for the rest of their lives. Then, I realized they wanted to remember what bad, loveless, meaningless and unfulfilling sex was like to satisfy their curiosity and stay true during their marriage. Of course I nixed them all because I’m my mother’s son. They call me Mr. Bombastic!
Leave it alone and don't talk to him again. I was seeing someone for a while and found out he was married. google is a wonderful thing...found out his wife's name, contact informaiton, email and phone #. And when I thought about it....it just wasn't the right thing to do (contact her). I confronted him...of course he said he is getting divorced...which he isn't. Why wouldn't he we upfront about that in the first place???. It ended right then and here. I thought he was the perfect guy. Guess not. His wife seems intelligent so I am sure she will figure it out on her own and it won't come from a stranger that she just thinks wants her husband. So...he happy you didn't sleep with him and that you found out sooner than later...just froget him. He's a jerk.
You could put "bcc" to some good use by emailing him and his bride-to-be.
I think it's horribly sneaky to try to buddy up to his poor fiance to decide whether or not to tell her. It'll just make her feel all the more humiliated when she finds out that, not only is the guy she trusted a lying playboy, but her new 'friend' (you) knew before she did and has been deliberately holding it back. Even if you don't end up liking her, few women could possibly be bitchy enough to deserve an outcome like that to their engagement. It sounds like a bad romantic comedy.
I agree with Meredith - e-mail him and lay on the guilt. If he has any brains and any decency left, he'll realize that you could contact his fiancee anytime you choose. Maybe that'll prod him into either coming clean with her or cleaning up his act, fast. If he replies and it seems like he's truly a scumbag and not just a basically nice guy who made a really stupid mistake, I might really think about contacting the bride directly.
Move along. Nothing to see here folks.
Their relationship is doomed. No need for you to play a role. It'll fall apart soon enough.
I also endorse the e-mail entrapment idea. Give this guy the rope and let him hang himself. His fiancee, you, and every other woman out there deserve better.
Tough one...I would e-mail the bride-to-be and lay out, as dispassionately as possible, the facts of your encounter with her fiance, including his friends that were present. Try not to let your anger with his behavior taint your descriptions as this may make her think that you have ulterior motives such as trying to get "her man" which (I'm assuming) is the last thing on your mind.
She deserves to know the truth but all you can do is give her the facts and let her come to her own conclusion. Who knows, she may already have an inkling that he's strayed in the past. Tell her, wouldn't you want to know?
Alright, I'm taking my early post back. Don't tell the guy or his fiancee, just move on with your life. She probably knows his cheating but ignores it anyway. If you let the guy know, he might freak out and try to hurt you or something. just ignore the whole thing. Please.
luv
Ida
I have told two friends before that their S.O. was cheating. Initially they are in denial- but in the end very very grateful. Email her. She deserves to know- whether she believes it now, or goes ahead marries this creep. He will do this again.
#82 takes life, and this silly forum, WAY too seriously!
As someone who married a man like this and found out after the fact, I would say tell her... I would much rather have had the information prior to getting married and made the decision then react after the fact... I always feel that prevention is much better than reaction... In this case, my guess is this is not or will not be a one time thing...
Don't get involved. Count yourself lucky that you didn't hook up with him and just let it be. Making accusations and threats could land you in a dangerous situation if he feels desperate or cornered. What's the point in telling her???? I doubt that she would cancel her wedding because you said her fiance was propositioning you. Forget it and think twice about partying/hooking up with guys you don't know.
Are you sure you didn't meet this guy during one of his bachelor parties? It sounds like he and his friends were having a good time, flirting, and doing all the things that men generally do for these parties... Of course they didn't hire a stripper or an escort -- why bother paying when they can easily get girls like you, for free.
If you contact any of them, they will probably tell you it was his bachelor party. You are a fool. Lighten up.
I say stay out of it. I like Meredith's idea of emailing the guy before emailing the bride to-be, but you don't know this guy or this girl.
Lying about the wedding invite seems bad, but who knows. Maybe they have an open relationship. Maybe they agreed they could each have one last hurrah before the nuptials. Maybe she cheats on him all the time and he's just looking for revenge. Maybe the next day he felt horrible and confessed it all to his fiance. Or maybe he is a dirty cheater and she has no idea.
We don't know their story, so I would say just leave it alone. What good could possibly come out of it? If he tries to contact you, I would ignore him and move on.
I can tell you what's up with guys: Testosterone.
Having walked the path of male/female relationships for many moons, now, I have yet to meet a heterosexual man who can refrain from trying to seduce attractive young women. Hitting on as many as possible seems to be the aim, regardless of his status. This applies to old men, as well.
The "thinking apparatus" appears to exist someplace other than in the brains of men. Can't tell you how many guys I have been sexually exclusive with- at their insistence- only to find out later that each one had hit on my sister, a close girlfriend, co-workers....the list is endless. One can only imagine that, when on the loose, men will hit on any female at all. It's what they do.
I agree with Meredith. Send HIM a message, short and blunt, then back away from the inevitable mess he will make of his new marriage.
I agree with most of the posts here. LEAVE IT ALONE....this is really none of your business and you are not the relationship police. Just because this guy has no moral compass it is not up to you to set it right. He will do this again....once a cheat ALWAYS a cheat. She should know the guy she is marrying....I am sure this won't be the last time he pulls this. If the commitment and respect is not enough to deter him how will a piece of metal on his finger??????
Tell the bride, just in case she believes you. Too many people are raised to think "I don't need condoms, I just need to be a virgin on the wedding night," marry cheaters like this, have unprotected sex with their new spouses unaware of what else and who else the cheaters have done, and then wonder why they have AIDS. By giving her the wake-up call ahead of time, you could save her life.
I love it when you folks try to pull amateur detectives. "Yeah, let's set up a sting operation...blind copy her on the email....set up a dummy email account...tell him that you're going to tell his fiance...take pictures..."...etc., etc. All you meddling kids have been eating too many scooby snacks and tooling around in the Mystery Machine. To quote Hoss: wake up!
LW, you don't know the bride. You know the guy from what, one night? From what you indicated, nothing happened (although I have little doubt that you hooked up and sanitized it in your letter to make yourself look like less of a easy get, but I digress). Move on with your life. Do nothing. The end.
I ABSOLUTELY agree with Jeff (post #5). This man is a pig and I do agree that real men dont do this!! She wants to know before she wastes her life on him!! (not to mention money on a wedding)
GOOD LUCK!
"Until then, what she doesn't know won't hurt her."
That's not true. For example, not knowing that he got an STD from someone else while cheating on her can hurt her.
From one who is flawed and imperfect, I hope she writes the fiancee and I hope the marriage doesn't go forward until the man faces his own failings and weaknesses.
Rico wants to add this:
Rico was thinking further and wants to add that he actually knows more women that cheat than men. Rico knows a guy that has been with multiple women that were cheating on husbands or boyfriends. Rico also knows of a girl that was married to his friend that was cheating on him and they are divorced now as well. Rico knows so many examples he is not going to list them all but he will just say this: There are just as many women cheating on guys as guys cheating on women. Men get a bad rap for cheating mostly due to Media and more men tend to be in the spotlight versus women. Think about the number of Congressmen/Senators and how many are men versus women. The men were caught cheating and end up on the news right? If congress was 95% women the odds are that a woman would have been in the news for cheating at some point. It is basic statistics. Rico is not being sexist here so don't take it taht way, he is only pointing out a fact of life that there are more men under the spotlight than women so being caught cheating and publicized is more common for a man than a woman. Think about the women in the news? We've seen plenty of famous young women that have been cheating.
Rico suggests you contact this girl and let her know, email or otherwise SHE NEEDS TO KNOW.
Love always,
Rico
You say you didn't have sex, and you didn't give him your number . So if nothing happened, and if you weren't planning on talking to or seeing him again anyway - why would you now feel the need to contact his fiancee?
You didn't seem to want anything to do with him anyway, so don't have anything to do with him. And really, it's none of your business anyway.
I think you should email him and forward his response with a couple of pictures attached of him out potentially cheating so she knows it is legit and then walk away. Just make sure that there is limited contact info for you as you do not want people seeking revenge for a "good deed". She should know now before the wedding and make her own decision.
I agree with Meredith. I also think that it's very possible that this guy is suffering from pre-wedding cold feet, and that he would not have gone through with it even if you were willing. I don't think it is unusual for engaged people to feel a bit of panic prior to a wedding. The bottom line is that he did not cheat on his fiance, he played with cheating, and used you for an evening of what turned out to be harmless flirting. I'd email him, and suggest that he think about whether he really wants to get married or not. I don't necessarily agree that this incident makes him a scumbag, but he should think about whether he really wants to get married to his fiance
"Are you sure you didn't meet this guy during one of his bachelor parties? It sounds like he and his friends were having a good time, flirting, and doing all the things that men generally do for these parties... Of course they didn't hire a stripper or an escort -- why bother paying when they can easily get girls like you, for free.
"If you contact any of them, they will probably tell you it was his bachelor party. You are a fool. Lighten up."
Cheating on your fiancée or fiancé during your bachelor or bachelorette party is still cheating.
Foe example, if a guy has unprotected sex with an HIV+ one-night stand during his bachelor party, the virus doesn't know or care that it's his bachelor party. He can still get infected while cheating on his fiancée, then he can still infect her after the marriage while they're trying to conceive, then she can still infect the baby. You really think the in-laws at the baby's funeral are going to buy "I was just doing the things that men generally do for these parties"?
The letter writer asks "What is up with guys?" She obviously is very young. Young and stupid. She makes a habit of going over a strangers house in the middle of the night because she met him in a bar (odds on favorite, The Bell in Hand) with friends. If you came over my house at 3am, I'd try to do you too, my dear. What message are you sending after 3am at his place? At my place, if you didn't put out within 10 minutes of arrival, you and your friends would be outside hailing a cab in the rain. Don't play us that you're a paragon of virtue. You are pissed off at men so much that you want to stick up for the "sisterhood" and bust his attempted cheat attempt. Don't contact him or his fiancee' in this matter. Their issues are none of your business. Your job is to forget about them and move on to the next bar with $1.50 drafts. Let me clue you in, my Bud Light swilling sweetie, most guys that you'll be in a relationship with are going to be doing other chicks on the side. Thats the way it is, thats the way its always going to be. Read the papers.
Now, let's not let the idiot men off the hook here either. Hey guys....enough with the relationships if you want more than one woman. Stay single, don't commit to anyone or anything if you want to be doing more than one woman at a time. Work smart, enjoy your money, date early, late and often....variety is the spice of life. You should be on a record setting quest to do as many different woman as possible until you want just "the one", if ever. If you want to commit, that does not allow you to hurt the one you supposedly love. Straighten up....all of you!
I don't understand how people can do this. A friend of mine just went away on vacation with the man she's been seeing on/off for a couple years. They got back and a couple weeks later he told her he's getting married next month. If I was the fiance I'd want to know what a slimeball I was marrying!
I'm somewhat surprised by the responses saying mind your own business b/c he sorta made it her business. Also, the easy thing to do is stay quiet; the moral and responsible thing is to tell her and let her decide what to do. Last, maybe if we looked out for each other a little more, there would be less STDs, less cheaters...
Do NOT contact him! (Sorry, Meredith.) He could accuse you of blackmail in a court of law. Or stalking. Or any other handful of legal options available to him.
Tell the bride, let her process the information. Tell her everything about the evening, including a description of the room and who was around. Then, it's her choice to marry, or not.
MS (#96) "Girls like you" ? Wot? Victorian much?
My situation is a little different, but I want to address the one similarity, getting an email from a stranger with life-changing news. A few months ago, I received an email from someone I didn't know, informing me that my husband of nearly 22 years had been having an affair with his wife for the past two years, and that they were even currently on vacation together (he had said he was traveling for business, and I didn't know I had reason not to believe that!!). As shocking as it was that this guy figured out who I was and got hold of my email address to tell me about this, the bottom line is I was very, very grateful to him for having the courage to send it. For all of the reasons in all of these posts, I think it's a very good idea to give this bride, a potentially injured party, the upper had in handling her relationship with this man. As for those who say it's not her business to let the bride know, I disagree. He made it her business by his actions on that night.
Okay, whatever about the bride. Totally superfluous. Who cares? I don’t. What really got me was the last question. Totally b****y. Really passive-aggressive. It’s unrealistic to think this letter writer actually wants an answer.
But since you asked. What’s up with guys? Well, like girls, they want a few things in life not easily come by: Love, regular sex and space. They will do almost anything for two of these. The third is just icing on the wedding cake.
The problem is you've stumbled upon a life that this man has been able to live in secret. First off, and I'm sure you already know this, your not the only girl he's probably partying with. Secondly, I suggest you not email anyone because that's just gonna get you involved in a dramatic situation that may get way too personal and who needs that. SO, back away, hope he stops, and go get tested. Congrats!
I think the only question here, is whether to "Nuke" their relationship BEFORE or AFTER the wedding. I mean which would be more fun to watch? Both definitely have their merit; but much like a violent car racing crash, they are great fun for everyone!
I second Merilisa's well-written comment (#18) re: HIV/AIDS and other STDs - thank you for bringing light to this fundamental health and safety issue. Drama and feelings aside, the bride-to-be deserves to know of the potential breach of implicit trust she has put into her fiance with respect to her health.
You say you didn't have sex - what exactly did you do? Are you leaving something out? Because basically your email makes it sound like you just hung out and flirted all night, in a group of people. You say he wanted sex and your phone number, but make it sound like you didn't give him either, so really, what is the big deal?
as a bride to be... i would ABSOLUTELY want to know. you would be doing her a HUGE service to inform her of whats going on. you could warn him that you are going to tell her so he has a chance first but i think you ABSOLUTELY should tell her
You say you didn't have sex - what exactly did you do? Are you leaving something out? Because basically your email makes it sound like you just hung out and flirted all night, in a group of people. You say he wanted sex and your phone number, but make it sound like you didn't give him either, so really, what is the big deal?