Wishy-washy and 25. Help.
Q: Hi Meredith,
I dated (and fell in love with) this guy "Vince" who had said from the beginning that he wasn't ready for a relationship. I found this out about a month into us dating. I heard what he said, but decided to pay attention to his actions instead. He always texted/called me ... and we always wanted to spend time together. We definitely had our space too -- he was preparing for exams to help him further his career and spent most nights/weekends studying. I was always supportive. We spent roughly 2-3 nights a week together. When we were together, we had so much fun. We would always laugh, and have good conversation as well. We were literally best friends.
We dated for about 9 months, and then out of the blue, he broke up with me. Again, because he wasn't ready for a relationship (things had started getting more serious). Needless to say, I was devastated. We went a long time without talking, because I couldn't just be his friend, as I had much stronger feelings for him.
We have since become good friends (we broke up over a year ago). Every time we hang out, there is still a definite connection there (and others see it too!) I'll be honest...we have slept together a handful of times since breaking up (and it is still just as good as it was before!). I know he still really cares about me, and I have definitely tried to move on and date other people since, but I still love him.
Unfortunately, I know he is in the same place he was when we were dating. He is still studying, taking exams … which I still fully support! In fact, I love that he is so driven-- it attracts me to him even more.
I don't know if he will ever want to get back together or not, but I don't understand how two people can be so attracted (emotionally and physically) to each other and not be together!
Few Details: 1. We were 23 when we met and we both will be turning 25 soon. 2. We never exchanged "I love yous". 3. He hasn't dated anyone since me.
I guess I'm just looking for some insight...especially from males. Thoughts anyone?
-- Still Miss Him, Boston
A: SMH, I feel your pain. Every one of your exclamation points is like a kick to the gut. (A kick to the gut!)
This could be age, for sure. It could be he's telling the truth, that his priority is developing his career and that anything else comes second. It could also be that you’ve become a companion for this phase of his life – a placeholder. Tough to say.
All you can do is protect yourself. You can tell him his actions speak louder than his words and that he should consider all of his mixed signals. Tell him you’re not so convinced he doesn’t want you as his partner. It may give him some food for thought.
If he wants to stick to the break-up plan, you have to cut him off. You can’t date anyone else while he’s around. You can’t even think of anything else while he’s around. And that’s probably why he shouldn’t be around.
It will take some serious self-control, I know. But I want you to save your exclamation points for someone who deserves them.
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Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.