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Miss you much

Posted by Meredith Goldstein  June 22, 2009 10:25 AM

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Wishy-washy and 25. Help.

Q: Hi Meredith,

I dated (and fell in love with) this guy "Vince" who had said from the beginning that he wasn't ready for a relationship. I found this out about a month into us dating. I heard what he said, but decided to pay attention to his actions instead. He always texted/called me ... and we always wanted to spend time together. We definitely had our space too -- he was preparing for exams to help him further his career and spent most nights/weekends studying. I was always supportive. We spent roughly 2-3 nights a week together. When we were together, we had so much fun. We would always laugh, and have good conversation as well. We were literally best friends.

We dated for about 9 months, and then out of the blue, he broke up with me. Again, because he wasn't ready for a relationship (things had started getting more serious). Needless to say, I was devastated. We went a long time without talking, because I couldn't just be his friend, as I had much stronger feelings for him.

We have since become good friends (we broke up over a year ago). Every time we hang out, there is still a definite connection there (and others see it too!) I'll be honest...we have slept together a handful of times since breaking up (and it is still just as good as it was before!). I know he still really cares about me, and I have definitely tried to move on and date other people since, but I still love him.

Unfortunately, I know he is in the same place he was when we were dating. He is still studying, taking exams … which I still fully support! In fact, I love that he is so driven-- it attracts me to him even more.

I don't know if he will ever want to get back together or not, but I don't understand how two people can be so attracted (emotionally and physically) to each other and not be together!

Few Details: 1. We were 23 when we met and we both will be turning 25 soon. 2. We never exchanged "I love yous". 3. He hasn't dated anyone since me.

I guess I'm just looking for some insight...especially from males. Thoughts anyone?

-- Still Miss Him, Boston

A: SMH, I feel your pain. Every one of your exclamation points is like a kick to the gut. (A kick to the gut!)

This could be age, for sure. It could be he's telling the truth, that his priority is developing his career and that anything else comes second. It could also be that you’ve become a companion for this phase of his life – a placeholder. Tough to say.

All you can do is protect yourself. You can tell him his actions speak louder than his words and that he should consider all of his mixed signals. Tell him you’re not so convinced he doesn’t want you as his partner. It may give him some food for thought.

If he wants to stick to the break-up plan, you have to cut him off. You can’t date anyone else while he’s around. You can’t even think of anything else while he’s around. And that’s probably why he shouldn’t be around.

It will take some serious self-control, I know. But I want you to save your exclamation points for someone who deserves them.

Readers? Readers! Give some advice. Share here. Send a letter to the left.

-- Meredith

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133 comments so far...
  1. Exactly what Meredith said.

    Posted by exiledmainer June 22, 09 10:42 AM
  1. I am really sorry to say this, but when a guy says "I don't want a relationship", it means "I don't want a relationship with you".

    I know this isn't what you want to hear, but I had to hear that a couple of years ago and it was the best relationship advice ever. This guy has had plenty of time to figure out if he wants to date you. It doesn't mean that he doesn't care about you/enjoy your company, but it usually means he doesn't care about you ENOUGH to have a relationship with you.

    You have been emotionally and physically available to this guy and haven't expected/demanded any sort of commitment. This guy has gotten what he wants: companionship and sex without any obligation. You are letting him treat you this way and telling him its ok by continuing the "relationship" as it is.

    Guys don't respond to words, they respond to no contact. SO - I would cut off contact with him. It would either help him realize that he really cares about you romantically, or you will be able to move on. If he doesn't realize you are relationship material, he isn't worth your time.

    Either way, you will feel better about yourself. You deserve better. Start letting your actions tell him that.

    Posted by Tricia June 22, 09 10:45 AM
  1. Can anyone say "Friends with Benefits"? This is it, and FWB doesn't morph into another type of relationship, usually. As Meredith said, you're a placeholder.

    Moveon.luv !!

    Posted by Jasper's pet June 22, 09 10:53 AM
  1. Rico's tired from a too short weekend but has this to say:

    Rico thinks just as Meredith said you are a "placeholder" He sees you as a good distraction from his career/studies but not a long term girlfriend or wife. Rico will be blunt: You are being used, sexually as well as emotionally. You mention the good sex and how you love his being driven. Get over it and move on since all you are doing is enabling him to continue using you till he is ready to find a wife/life companion. Look, Rico went to school too and used the excuse on a girl he was only sexually attracted to that his studies came first. It is not true, if you truly love and care about someone and want something long term with that person then you WILL MAKE IT WORK. Rico thinks you are just wishful thinking/imagining that his actions are telling you more. In this case dreams likely will not become reality and you will be really hurt and disappointed in the final outcome which may make you bitter and angry and not treat others you may date with the respect they deserve. Run away from this guy and meet other people. Forget about him in the now and remember him as a past fun fling. Enjoy your 20's, they go by fast and furious and then you get to 39/40 and want a child and a husband...oops that was another letter.

    Rico's simple advice...MOVE ON

    Love always,


    Gears not Grass (Gas) Rico still thinks that was funny the other day :)

    Posted by Rico June 22, 09 10:57 AM
  1. It is tough to say what he's thinking, but I think Meredith may be right that you are his "placeholder" in this phase of his life. It's apparent that he likes your company, as a friend and as a lover, but for whatever reason he doesn't want you as a girlfriend. You say he hasn't dated anyone else since you, but has he been sleeping with other women? Would he tell you even if he had? I ask that because it sounds like he either doesn't want a serious gf in his life, he still wants to sow his wild oats, and/or having you as a friend with benefits suits him just fine for the time being. But it doesn't suit you, which isn't fine.

    Being busy and having to study for exams is NOT an excuse for why you can't commit to someone. You said you are fully supportive of him needing time alone to study many nights a week, so where is the problem? It's obviously that he doesn't want you as a girlfriend, but whose excuse was it that he can't commit because he has to study... did he actually say that or are you using that as an excuse?

    It's obvious that this will not work out as a healthy relationship while you guys are sailing on two different ships. He's sailing the "Singles" cruise line with occasional friend-with-benefit buffets, and you're sailing the "If I Keep showing him what a great friend and lover I am then someday he just has to realize he actually loves me" cruise line. It stinks, it really does, and I'm sorry for that. But you can't make someone love you, no matter how great of friends or lovers you are. It takes more than friendship and physical chemistry- BOTH partners have to want the relationship, be ready for it, and be on the same page.

    My advice- tell him to call you if and when he's ready for a real, committed relationship. Or you'll call him if you are truly ready for a no strings attached friends with benefits. But nothing but heartache and disappointment can come of you two operating on two different planets.

    Posted by Skyler June 22, 09 10:59 AM
  1. Get some self esteem and date a man who LOVES you.

    Posted by Bee June 22, 09 10:59 AM
  1. SHM,
    Hate to say it, but it sounds like 'friends with benefits'. You need to move on NOW! Nothing will come of this. He has been clear about it. You say you are "best friends", but honestly you are in love with him hanging around hoping for him to change his mind. Please be honest with yourself, he's not really a best friend at all . Someday his status will change from not dating anyone to- 'just met the girl of my dreams on a business trip to Chicago.' And you will be left out in the cold-heartbroken. At least he has been honest about your future together or lack-thereof. It's so sad that you are wasting some of the best years of your life in a holding pattern. Start hanging out with other friends and move on. Enjoy your youth-before you know it you will be in your 30s and 40s - single and alone-kicking
    yourself that you waited for him! Meanwhile, he'll be happily married in Chicago with 3 kids and his own medical practice.

    Posted by CityChick June 22, 09 10:59 AM
  1. SMH--- I completely feel your pain, what a sick-to-your-stomach feeling. Unfortunately, it seems like your guy was up front with you right from the very beginning. Sure you can pay attention to his actions but you can't have disregard for his words. He is very straightforwardly telling you he isn't in a place to have a relationship, though some of his actions may suggest otherwise. He seems to think since he has told you he isn't looking for anything, it's okay to have fun with you since you understand the situation. The thing is, this isn't fun for you. You keep doing it with the hope that he will come around and change his mind. He won't. If you were spending 2-3 nights with him, he clearly had time for a relationship with you, he just didn't want one. You need to walk away.

    Posted by Kathleen June 22, 09 11:02 AM
  1. Poor thing - I feel badly for Still MIss Him. Sounds like she's been getting some seriously mixed messages from this guy. There's a fine line between self-respect....and having so much pride that you miss out and only the Letter Writer can define that line for herself. My only advice is to ignore advice - some people may cruelly tell you you're being too available and you need to shut this guy out - if you want to do that fine; others may tell you not to give up and to wait for this guy to come around - again, that's fine. The important thing is that you do what you feel comfortable doing with no regrets and no embarassment. If you feel like taking the risk, go ahead and be a fool for lovce - there are worse things to be a fool over.

    Posted by Monty June 22, 09 11:06 AM
  1. SMH. This is an easy one.

    For him, you are f-buddy material but not girlfriend material. He knew it when he met you, he knows it now, and he will know it later. He thinks he can do better than you. I know, it's a sad reality. But it's reality. It will never change. You can not change how people feel. And I don't think it has anything to do with age.

    He's been honest - which is a key part of the game to keep your sleep-buddies around. He will never love you. And in the remote case things get so comfortable for him that he will consider a relationship, he will still feel that he could do better than you. He'll be miserable.

    My suggestion. Find a boyfriend who cares about you. somebody who is proud of you. This gent isn't that guy. Move on.

    And stop the "he wasn't ready for a relationship" (always put a "with me" after this sentence, if the right person come, men are always willing to "get ready"). Also don't lie to yourself -- "we have since become good friends." Who are you kidding? You are in love with this guy. It makes you sound very lame.

    Posted by MS June 22, 09 11:07 AM
  1. I'm a man that was often in the same boat as this guy, and I'm telling you right now, your a girl that he's using for right now. He probably does like you a lot but him forgetting about you will be a lot easier that you forgetting about him. Also, as cruel as it sounds, based on your description, there's probably a 90% chance that he's hooking up with other girls while hooking up with you or at least trying to. This is one of the biggest reasons why guys do not commit to a girl aside from "furthering their carerer".

    Posted by Andy June 22, 09 11:14 AM
  1. SMH -- You're wrong. You must follow his words, not his actions. Since he as told you exactly what his intentions are, from his point of view he now has permission to "act" any way he wants (texting, giving you attention, etc.) because he has told you in fact what the deal is.

    The choice is up to you. You can stay "attached" to him but it will be hard or impossible to be interested in someone else. Or you can cut him off and move on. But believe what he has said and don't plan on a future with him.

    P.S. The lack of "I Love Yous" should be all the information you need!

    Posted by Alvin June 22, 09 11:23 AM
  1. Sounds like he's an actuarial student... in which case those exams are all consuming and its very difficut to commit time/energy to anything else.

    Posted by HuskyAlum June 22, 09 11:26 AM
  1. I've been in your shoes; however, at the time, I wasn't looking for anything serious either. In the end, there were feelings, and I had to move on. I haven't seen this guy since he suggested something I found extremely offensive. I moved on, and shortly after, met the man of my dreams. He and I have been together for over 5 years, and married 2. Honestly, I didn't think I wanted a relationship until I met him. When we find the right person, it really doesn't matter where we are in life. As others have said, he's using you as a placeholder.

    I hope you move on and find someone who is worthy of you. This guy just isn't. Best of luck!

    Posted by RITKat June 22, 09 11:29 AM
  1. My first reaction was to agree with all of the other comments above and say that he does not want a relationship with YOU. However, there is the chance that what he really means is that he does not want a relationship NOW. It is possible that he is too committed to work or freedom at this moment to want to get involved in something serious. I'd suggest following Meredith's advice about breaking it off, and I would suggest you end contact with him completely. Except I would explain it to him, and I would tell him that if someday he thinks he would be interested in a relationship WITH YOU and AT THAT TIME, then he should contact you. Don't promise him you'll be there for him, because you might be taken, but tell him that he can always try to reach you if he becomes serious about a relationship.

    Posted by done June 22, 09 11:30 AM
  1. I agree with Alvin. He told you he didn't want a serious relationship so he can date/sleep with/pursue other women with impunity. If you protest, he'll just remind you what he said from the beginning. Your actions are telling him what he wants to know, that you are willing to 'be there for him' regardless of his intentions. My advice would be to cut him off completely. It's unhealthy for you to stay in this situation when you clearly want more from him.

    Posted by bostowyo June 22, 09 11:35 AM
  1. ...I've been there before, and put up with it until I hit my own personal breaking point with the guy. I think this is one of those things that you have to experience and learn for yourself — eventually he'll do something so thoughtless that it makes you see the light. Hang in there and be careful with birth control! And know that there are guys out there who will treat you wonderfully (and perhaps this charmer will make you appreciate them even more).

    Posted by emmj June 22, 09 11:37 AM
  1. Agreed with Meredith. He is getting the best of every possible world right now. At the age of 25, he is getting attention, fun, laughs, emotional support and occasional sex, all without having to commit. AND after he told you specifically he wasn't interested in a committed relationship. You can never ever claim that he didn't tell you that. Why on earth would he want to change the status quo?

    In other words, as far as he's concerned, you're giving out all the benefits of a committed relationship even after being told that nothing long term was likely to come of it. While I respect the words vs. actions viewpoint - you cannot discount his words, even if his actions bely them.

    Yes, you are getting mixed signals, and I do sympathize. But it's best to err on the side of caution on this one. Stay string, tell him you're friends and keep it that way. You're clearly not looking for a FWB. He clearly is.

    And good luck.


    Posted by Ceej June 22, 09 11:39 AM
  1. I've been in a similar spot, though I love you's were exchanged. I wouldn't take it personally, guys like that are not going to committ until they are ready. I know other people will disagree and say that guys will committ when the right one comes around (some of the other posters have already said as much). But, I've been friends with a lot of guys like that (and by friends I mean just that friends, guys that I worked with in my early 20's) and most of them didn't settle down until their late 20's - early 30's. Honestly, I don't think it had anything to do with meeting "the one", because I'm sure if they had met their wives back in their hey day nothing would have come of it. There was no girl that was going to make any of these guys setle down before they were ready. As a matter of fact, one of them who is now very happily married with two kids did meet his wife in his hey day and regularly cheated on her the first year they were dating. It didn't matter how great a catch she was it still took him 2 years into the relationship before he really began to consider it serious, but I digress...

    The best thing you can do for yourself is move on and stay completely platonic friends, and not make yourself too available to this guy. If you keep up the friends with benefits thing it will never move in the direction you want. I say get yourself out there and meet someone new. Yes, easier said than done.

    Posted by cc June 22, 09 11:40 AM
  1. Get some self esteem. This guy is using you. He doesn't want you, he wants what you have. As long as you keep giving him what he wants when it's convenient for him, nothing will change.
    If a casual sexual relationship is what you want, this is it.

    Posted by DrK June 22, 09 11:41 AM
  1. Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free

    Posted by Jim June 22, 09 11:42 AM
  1. Dear SMH......
    As a male who has been in that position, more than once actually and have been the one who was using a girl as a placeholder and also being used once as a placeholder, which i know really is not a good feeling!!! Anyway, what you need to do is really move on. I mean completly get him out of your life. I mean OUT OF YOUR LIFE. It doesn't matter how good of friends you are. The pain goes away alot faster & easier without contact. Believe me!!!!! It is not an easy position to be in. And he really is just usuing you! He has no clue what he wants, asides from the fact that he wants something there, PHYSICALLY (mostly) and emotionally also, but it is only just enough on the emotional level to just hold him over until he is mature enough to really be involved with someone. Since he was 23 when this stared and 25 now, I am willing to bet he may have at least another 3 maybe 4 yrs before he develops to that point.....
    Good Luck and I hope you take all THE MALES good advice here.... GET AWAY.... & STAY AWAY

    Posted by PolarBear69420 June 22, 09 11:42 AM
  1. He told you how he feels.

    His actions presuppose that you understood what he told you.


    Posted by DaveR June 22, 09 11:45 AM
  1. I highly doubt anyone is going to tell you to try to pursue someone who clearly told you they don't want to be in a relationship. You may think the two of you are "good friends" but he really is using you and you're letting him do it. Move on and find someone else who really wants to be with you.

    Posted by bumbly-bee June 22, 09 11:48 AM
  1. He is telling the truth--not only is he not interested in a real relationship with you, but if you are not the one now, you are not going to be the one later, either. Even if he HAD said that he loved you (and he did not), the point is that he does not want a relationship that matches your feelings for him. He not only shows it in actions, but also says so honestly. Physical hookups or emotional connections that feel important to you do not make it important enough for him to change his priorities.

    Find someone else, and don't contact him at all. At the end of the day, what you feel for him and what he really concretely is willing to give to you do not mesh. It will keep breaking your heart, unless you break it off. You are only in your 20s, and there are plenty of wonderful people out there.

    Posted by Enditnow June 22, 09 11:49 AM
  1. If you have been together than long and slept together without the "L" word ever coming up then he is not the one for you.. Cut your losses..

    Posted by techdood June 22, 09 11:51 AM
  1. Keep sleeping with him until he changes his mind.

    Posted by Kay-Man June 22, 09 11:51 AM
  1. i am dealing with a similar situation.-well at least in some ways. this person knew all along how i felt but never took responsibility for any of his actions-i was made out to look like the bad guy in all of it.........its easier to say oh i only want a friendship but when someone is in love with you, people tend to get hurt and sometimes very badly-i know that i would not have toyed with someone's feelings if the tables were reversed............. I would run away NOW! believe me-I should have months ago. I really regret not having done so sooner............. I have been miserable for weeks/months going over and over in my head as to what is wrong with me and how could I have expected someone who I truly love and care about to give me one chance but, finally, I have reached a stage where I have realized that it is really his loss and someone who truly deserves my love will see me for what I have to offer. and someone who will not intentionally hurt me by words/actions-obviously this person didnt really care about me at all and how he was hurting me-so my advice is to RUN AWAY ASAP and DO NOT look back!!!! people that toy with others' feelings dont deserve your attention. a lesson i am trying to learn.............

    Posted by heartbroken June 22, 09 11:59 AM
  1. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. The key is to find a guy whos actions and words match up most of the time. This guy likes you, has fun with you, and likes the sex, but isnt attracted to you long term. If he was in love with you, his career or exams wouldnt get in the way of that. Plenty of people have a love life and a career, even the President. It also doesnt matter that you were 23 at the time and 25 now. Its a young age and there is alot going on with developing careers and all but its not too young to have a girlfriend, plenty of people that age do. Find someone who thinks your right for them and is happy to have you as their girlfriend............ unless you are into the rejection thing.

    Posted by sexual chocolate June 22, 09 11:59 AM
  1. Dear SMH,
    I was in your shoes during my college years, an on-and-off-again relationship with a man that was my 1st love. But after the initial break-up (after 3 months of dating) and even during our "get-togethers" over 3 years, I always knew he wouldn't commit to me. I took what I could, always knowing he would never truly be "mine".

    In retrospect, I know I was emotionally mature enough to handle the relationship as-is, but I can tell you are not. Being with someone you love, no matter how much fun you have and how great you get along is one of the hardest things to live with when you know they will never be yours. If you can accept that and enjoy what he has to give, then all the power to you. But most people (women) cannot let go. So for your sake, despite how much you care about him and want to be with him, you must move on. Because I can tell you now, he will never "come around" and fall for you and say "how could I have been so blind to let you go?"

    It's just not going to happen.

    Posted by indiglodoe June 22, 09 12:00 PM
  1. I agree with Meredith yet again (and many of the previous posters). The mid 20s is the prime time to meet and greet and hopefully find Mr Wonderful/Forever/DaOne. Move on and give your self the chance to find find that guy. You won't have the chance if you're hanging on to Mr Maybe Someday.

    Posted by Lain the blunt June 22, 09 12:00 PM
  1. Wow, I have a friend literally going through the same situation right now. It's very obvious to everyone, except her, that she is being used for both sex and companionship. It's not that he's dating anyone else - they literally spend every waking (and often, sleeping) moment together and are 'best friends' in every sense of the word. But the tough truth is that she (and you) are being used. I mean, why wouldn't he take advantage of this situation for as long as humanly possible? It's perfect. He gets a friend and lover with no strings attached. And since he's told you, repeatedly, that he just doesn't want a relationship, he's in the clear - no guilt!

    You did right by cutting him out of your life once before, and you need to find the strength to do it again, this time permanently. You can't be friends with someone when you're in love with him and when you can't control your physical urges around him. And you cannot move on and find someone who feels the same about you as long as he's in the picture. I know none of this advice will help because it hasn't helped at all with my friend. But either you end it now, or you will be devastated when the inevitable day comes that he finds someone new and is suddenly 'ready'.

    Posted by Rae June 22, 09 12:00 PM
  1. He knows how you feel and he's decided to prioritize other things in his life. If he wanted to prioritize you, he could definitely find the time to fit you into his busy schedule. You need to move on because you clearly have a difficult time dating other guys if he is in the picture. Move on! You're young! The only thing that you could do (which you've already done) is to let him know how you feel. The ball is in his court and he's made his decision.

    Posted by Enough Said June 22, 09 12:13 PM
  1. If this "lady" had not offered her body to this man, she would not be in this situation because this guy would have been LONG GONE. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure this out but young women today continue to be absolutely clueless on how their slutty behavior ultimately causes them heartache.

    Posted by wobecky June 22, 09 12:14 PM
  1. He doesn't want from the "relationship" what you want. He told you that. Frankly, he even followed his words up with action when he broke it off. So now he's gotten out of the relationship responsiblity, just like he wanted to, but he doesn't despise you so he shares your company from time to time and gets to enjoy sex from time to time. Which part of all that do you now understand?

    Posted by RUKidding? June 22, 09 12:20 PM
  1. wow, i am in the same situation with a few differences. i know what i'm "supposed" to do, but i haven't committed to cutting him off. it's really hard because i'm in love with him... the emotional connection is very strong for me, i know it's strong for him too, but there is no commitment. i do know that i want a partner, and it sounds like you want one too. if you can't walk away from it right now then just know it'll work itself out... however, that could take a long time and the lesson is a hard one, especially when you look back and realize you've spent a few years learning it. good luck!

    Posted by e June 22, 09 12:20 PM
  1. - Good points Tricia!!

    SMH: you need to log onto Amazon.com and order a book called "Men Love Bitches." There are a lot of truths in that book, which will help you understand the male mind.

    I've been in your shoes. I spent 24-25 wrapped up in a "relationship" with a guy who told me the same sorry lines this guy dishes out. I know how good it feels when the guy in question acts like he wants you all to himself. But I also know how empty it feels when you realize his actions and his words are truly unfulfilling. Eventually though, he will do something incredibly inconsiderate such as date someone else, stand you up, etc. or hopefully you will realize what you want and hold out for something better.

    You can't make someone love you if they dont. You know deep down how you want to be treated. You know you want to be in love and you want someone with the emotional sensitivity and heart to be able to tell you that.

    Once I was able to shake that guy out of my system, I focused on taking care of myself and my future. All to often, girls we sit by the wayside and wait for the guys to further their careers and make the big moves. Focus on your own career and your own well being.

    At 27 I found a real man. A guy's guy but yet has the heart of a freakin teddy bear. We became bf/gf within a couple months and I've never had to prove my worth to him ever.

    There is a better, happier life for you on the other side of douchebag rainbow.

    Posted by trueluv4eva June 22, 09 12:22 PM
  1. Everyone can tell you how hot the stove is, but no matter, you are the kind who needs to touch it for yourself and get burned. Any time a person really WANTS to be with someone, nothing gets in the way, not exams, not anything.
    I agree with commenters who say you have to experience it yourself to learn from it. Just do yourself a favor, learn from it. You'll look back and cringe at your own behavior, but at least it will be able to look back and cring when you're in cozy, healthy relationship...it won't seem so bad. Feel free to stick around as long as you like, but you're just avoiding the inevitable.

    Posted by lwagz June 22, 09 12:24 PM
  1. You are clearly not his best friend if he can hurt your feelings like this so do not consider this man yours. Its incredibly hard and loney to walk away from attention that you crave, but let's be serious-his attention is toxic and only causing you more anguish. Your young and probably the hottest you'll ever be in your life so go out and have fun and find that guy who will know from the get-go that he wants you...

    Posted by RC June 22, 09 12:26 PM
  1. I'm a 25 year old female myself, and I have been in your position... except I know where to draw the line! He may "care for you" but not the way you deserve to be cared for. He will never commit to you... especially if you're still sleeping with him at his convenience. Cut him off completely, give yourself some time, get over him, move on, and don't sell yourself short. You're wasting your time with this one. If he's really that into you, he'll come crawling back and this time, for a relationship not just booty.

    Posted by UseYourBrain June 22, 09 12:28 PM
  1. I'm going to be honest with you because I am stuck in a similar situation. He's not going to change his mind anytime soon, if ever. You have a lot invested in this, and I know it's hard to realize that it is not going to go even further. While you may be "great friends", it is time to cut things off completely with him. This will help you heal and get over him. He's just using you to fill some sort of void in his life. Take that away from him. If he cannot give you what you want, then why are you giving him what he wants? Maybe in the future you two will be able to be friends, but you need to get over him first. It's not going to be easy, and it is going to hurt. However, you will be better in the long run. Stop dragging this out.

    Posted by More than friends June 22, 09 12:29 PM
  1. Second semester my junior year of college, the same thing happened to me. I fell for a senior. He was getting ready to graduate and go off into the world. He told me right away that he didn't want to be saddled with a relationship. I loved him, so much that I took what I could get for the few months remaining. Then on his graduation day, I cut off most contact. His family had come into town for graduation. I refused to meet them. I figured it would only add to the pain. The very next day, I forced myself to start dating again. It was hard, really hard. My heart was not in it. But guess what happened? Word got back to him that I had started to move on. Let's just say that he realized I wasn't willing to be a "placeholder", to use Meredith's term. And today, we are happily married with two children.
    The lesson is, let him go. If he really wants you, he will come back. If he doesn't, then at least you will have started to move on. You deserve better.

    Posted by betty June 22, 09 12:30 PM
  1. as long as im gettin my milk why do i have buy the cow???more important business than cow buying no milk, new cow or buy old cow...I like old cow just not ready to buy...might find new cow eventually when cow becomes main focus...but will always get my milk when its free...

    Posted by jcour382 June 22, 09 12:34 PM
  1. RE: my post #35, yes, I meant NOT understand at the end, not NOW understand. So sorry... I'll sum it up in even fewer words, a metaphor I KNEW was true back when I was dating, but I'm not saying it was EASY: "If you have to ask, the answer is no."

    Posted by RUKidding June 22, 09 12:40 PM
  1. You need to close the candy store.

    Posted by bohica June 22, 09 12:41 PM
  1. Like most things in life things are easier said than done. Almost all these posts are telling you the same thing. It's time to move on. You deserve better than what this person is willing to offer you. It's going to be hard, not doubt about it but you'll be happy and emotionally healthier in the end.

    Posted by bgcomreader June 22, 09 12:44 PM
  1. You are clearly not hot enough, not funny enough, not interesting enough for him and he is just keeping you around until something better comes along.

    Once you are in the "friend" category, you can never cross over again. Do yourself a favor, get some self esteem (and self respect) and move on.

    You can only be a victim for as long as you allow yourself to be.

    Posted by Chris P June 22, 09 12:47 PM
  1. SMH, I agree with almost everyone above, but what glared in its absence from your letter was this: what is he giving you? Does he support you, is he there for your goals too? It sounds like he's not - he's willing to take everything you'll give him, and your undying loyalty, but someone who cares about you would actually be concerned about you, and would be concerned that you're not getting what you deserve in return. Relationships are a two-way street, and life is stressful - I wouldn't want to wonder if I had the total love and support of my partner.

    Posted by been_there_done_that_and_left June 22, 09 12:56 PM
  1. Such a comical pattern...

    "You should cut off contact and play hard to get! That'll do it!!" Um, yeah. If by "it", you mean sending him along to whoever is next, then yeah, that'll do it!

    Why even indulge the possibility that this guy even gives a crap? Does this guy's nonchalance really rattle your cages that hard?? Just like he told her from day 1, he's going to move on to the next. He doesn't owe her jack squat when the explanation was clear and up front. And he's not looking to be backed into a corner or force her into a "tough decision"... No, he really just doesn't care all that much. Either way, the decision is only going to be tough on HER. He apparently likes hanging with her, cool. If that sours, he'll go elsewhere. Really, it's that simple!

    Women have a hard time getting past the notion that men don't have to be in a Disney fairy tale to jump into a relationship... This wacky need to control the long-term outcome of the relationship -- you have to see the 20/40 year plan, matching headstones, and all that garbage. Men don't. If it works, it works, and we'll continue on. If I like being with her just as much 20 years from now, then that's what it will be. But women act like huckster salesmen who need to rope you in to the lifetime contract/promise, rather than just focusing on today, tomorrow, and letting that set the tone. This is where the familiar term "trap" comes in to play... as in, he feels completely 'trapped' in the loveless relationship! Because you're sticking to some irrational prognostication from months/years back?? I thought this was common knowledge at this late century, but:

    Things change. People change.

    This guy told you the truth up front and yet you still can't keep from judging him against the Disney fantasy..... all too typical.

    (Please keep in mind, I speak in generalities -- I'm fully aware that there are mama's boys who fall into the Disney category and see the matching headstones as well, just like there's a miniscule portion of women who don't need false reassurances that everything will stay the same and never change for over a half century...)

    Truth -- it's what's for dinner.

    Posted by DJMcG June 22, 09 12:57 PM
  1. I wasted 8 YEARS of my life pining over a dude just like this. Get out now! Take that energy you are using on him and focus it on something healthy. Sit down and write down all the things you could be doing instead of being with him and go down that list one by one and DO THEM. I am the voice of experience. I know this hurts. Being rejected always does. But you must tell yourself in the mirror or otherwise that you are worthy of being in love with a man who is actually in love with you...

    Posted by Amazed June 22, 09 12:57 PM
  1. Although it seems like a good idea, since you're getting what you want (i.e time with him),in reality you're settling. You're settling for less than what you want. It is ok to take things slow and see where they end up. However, it is clear that this person is only willing to give you so much, and it is not fair to you to just take it since it is all you can get. As a woman, I can only give you one advice--when it's right, it's easy. We are inundated with ideas about love that it should be hard, and arduous, and tumultuous. But in fact, when you're with the right person who gives you the love and respect you deserve, it is the opposite of hard and arduous. It is easy and good. Period.

    Posted by Don't settle June 22, 09 12:58 PM
  1. I disagree with many of the posters: his signals are not mixed, they are in fact very clear in both words and actions - FWB.

    Your choice is simple; take a chance that down the road he *may* have a change of heart, or walk away. You're still of the age that if you do roll the dice, and lose, you'll still have learned valuable lessons that will suit you well down the road. Just don't waste too much time.

    Posted by Brett June 22, 09 01:00 PM
  1. Most of us have all been in situations like this where we think we are so happy with a certain someone who just isn't right for us. If you were really "happy" with this guy and having so much fun with him, would you really need to write this post? I think you know the answer to your own question and rather than just walking away and taking care of yourself, you're trying to figure out a way to convince this guy to change his mind. He's not going to change his mind. At least not now...
    If you really want to be with someone special and be in a secure happy relationship, then go find the right guy for you and stop hoping this one is going to change! The right person for you is out there...but this guy (sadly) isn't him! Good luck!

    Posted by bostongirl June 22, 09 01:01 PM
  1. I agree with number 34. Behave like a lady, get treated like one and have some dignity - enuff said!

    Posted by Sam June 22, 09 01:04 PM
  1. #34, wobecky. Why don't you put the e in there and be woebecky because that's what your post reads like. Just because a woman has and enjoys sex does not make her a slut. And most women who have and enjoy sex – yes, even while unmarried – manage to attract and retain life partners (if they want them!). On the other hand, judgmental, condescending, hurtful people almost never live happily ever after. Nor should they.
    Get over yourself. As Kahlil Gibran once wrote, “Chastity of the body may be miserliness of the soul."
    To Still Miss Him: Be happy, but be careful with your young self, too – mentally and physically.

    Posted by Kate's Nonna June 22, 09 01:06 PM
  1. Another telling fact is that he was only available to you on some weeknights - not weekends. Sure, he said he was studying...guess what - he wasn't.

    This is painful and only time will heal what is sure to be your broken heart. But, like nearly ALL my fellow posters, there is no way on earth this is going anywhere. Your letter is laden with justifications - understandable - but you know, deep down, that this is a waste of your time. Listen to your gut, and move on. There is so much more out there for you. (By the way, get tested for STD's. Sorry to be so harsh, but I'm sure many posters would agree.)

    Posted by Jetta June 22, 09 01:17 PM
  1. I hate to say it, but he's just not that into you. I've been there before and when it was all said and done, I realized I had wasted a year on my life on someone who only wanted his cake, and to eat it too. We even traveled to Europe together, spent every weekend together and he literally called me all day and night. When I smartened up and gave him an ultimatum, he didn't take it and I walked, it was one of the best things that I ever did.

    I should also tell you that I know that he really cared about me, that wasn't a question. However his commitment was in question. If a guy is really into you, nothing will stand in his way of being with you.

    Trust me, leave him behind and find a man who is emotionally available.

    Good Luck!

    Posted by hesjustnotthatintoyou June 22, 09 01:25 PM
  1. My slutty behavior, wobecky, has never caused me heartache. One or two pregnancy scares, but never heartache.

    Posted by Sally June 22, 09 01:28 PM
  1. i've been there, and it sucks. but what's happening here isn't love, it's infatuation. and there's a difference. it also seems like you took what he said about not wanting a relationship as a challenge. you want to make him change his mind. won't happen. relationships are about timing, and the timing is bad here. love is fast and furious, and overwhelming. if he was ever going to love you, it would have happened beyond his control by now.

    Posted by boredinboston June 22, 09 01:32 PM
  1. It's somewhat amusing to see all this analysis and especially the tone many comments take, when at the heart of it, the letter is about *incompatibility*, just like the other letter was last week (about the 30-something dude who wanted to settle down with his dragon-puffing 20-something ggirl but wanted her to change her ways).

    Why all the hate towards the guy (especially the guy) or the girl? It's not as if the guy has been dishonest and strung her along - he told her where he was at and what his expectations were - doesn't make him a jerk. If she can't handle the fact of where the guy is, I don't see it as the guy's fault AT ALL. All that some of these comments enforce is that women cannot handle honesty and are unable to have a FWB relationship. And why is a FWB relationship so looked down upon, if both parties are honest? I see this as SMH's fault where she ignored his honest words and instead, projected on to his actions her fantasy and her desires. The clue here is: "but decided to pay attention to his actions instead" - I didn't know there were certain universally accepted actions (texting? calling to make plans?) that were strictly associated with a long-term relationship and only with a long-term relationship. I'd like to get a list of such actions.

    Sure, it sucks to have feelings for someone who doesn't reflect those feelings, and the best thing is to either be honest and let the other person know where you're at (and hope that he will come around), or move on. You're still young and have your life ahead of you. If I were you, I'd cut off all contact with this guy and move on.

    Posted by The Dude June 22, 09 01:33 PM
  1. Oh sweetheart, what a bind you are in. But your fellow has been honest with you, and you should listen to what he says. He told you that he does not want a relationship now, and that means he won't want one later either. The harsh truth is that he simply doesn't see you as wife material. He figures you know and accept that, so now he's relaxing and having fun with you. But you must accept that his heart is simply not engaged. He will meet Ms. Right, and where will that leave you? Feeling betrayed and angry -- even though you knew the deal from the outset. Please, cut him off again and move on for real this time. You have more time than you know.

    Posted by Been there, done that June 22, 09 01:34 PM
  1. I agree with many of the guys here. He wants to be in love and clearly he is not going there with you. If there was no lightning bolt for him you would be wise to respect that and find someone who thinks you are the center of his world--not just a nice person he can sleep with sometimes when the mood hits. Even if you persuaded him to commit I think when that lightning bolt strikes him you would end up alone and wondering why you spent so much time on him. Life is short, and you should get what you really want, which is devotion and real love.

    Posted by Sympathetic, but not optimistic June 22, 09 01:36 PM
  1. Here is what I think.

    After x months of dating, it sometimes happens that one of the people come to a realization. That realization is: "I really like/love this person. I care for them. I have fun with them BUT deep in my heart, this isn't the person I want to spend the rest of my life with".

    There are two ways people deal with this situation. 1) Keep going out with you because it is hard to breakup , and they really do care about you and have fun with you. 2) They breakup with you, set you free, and make it easier for you to move on and find someone out there that looks at you and thinks "she is the one".

    Letting someone go that in your heart you feel isn't "the right one" is much better for both of you. People typically do NOT break up with someone they love hanging out with and can picture spending the rest of their lives with.

    Posted by Move on - Please! June 22, 09 01:36 PM
  1. Listen to his actions: he broke up with you.

    Posted by Move on - Please! June 22, 09 01:39 PM
  1. If he says he's not ready, then he's not "ready".

    I don't know what that really means anyway, I really think people end up screwing themselves over by putting themselves on a timeline or a schedule for life.

    He is most likely never going to be "ready", as there is always something else to strive for and to achieve. He's not the right man for you. A real man would be able to balance his personal and professional or educational life. He seems that it is only possible to have one solid thing going on in his life at once. Maybe that's true and maybe it's easier for him to manage, but this guy will always have something going on.

    This guy is the male equivalent of those women who never bothered with relationships and are now pushing 40 and feel entitled to a baby or a husband or something, but they never focused on any sort of romantic relationship because they were always "too busy".

    If he's "not ready" for a relationship, then WHY IS HE IN ONE? Whatever you want to call it, you and him already have an existing romantic relationship. Whether he likes it or not, he's in a relationship. If he wasn't in a relationship, he wouldn't be calling/texting and hanging out with you so much.

    I think actions certainly do speak louder than words. A "relationship" is something. It's not defined by words, but it is defined by what it actually is.

    You are his current fling, but he is definitely holding out for something more. He feels that he has his whole life ahead of him and is just too scared to even deal with the prospect of "settling down" with someone right now, no matter how good you are together.

    Posted by Mikey "Insane" Monkeypants June 22, 09 01:39 PM
  1. Advice is something we seek when we already know the answer but don't want to admit it.

    Posted by CPThree June 22, 09 01:41 PM
  1. And what is this cr-ap about "behaving like a lady"? Why can't women (not this letter writer) enjoy a short-term sexual relationship, or sex, or a FWB situation without being called a slut? What matters (or should matter) is that people be honest with each other regarding their relationship and what they want; and given one's age and where they're at in their lives, certain kinds of relationships - short or long-term - will be more suitable/appropriate.

    Posted by The Dude June 22, 09 01:41 PM
  1. #48 (been there done that and left) and #55 (kate's nonna) are two smart women who have hit some very big nails right on the head. To the letter writer, like #48 said, what's in this for you? And as #55 said, there is NOTHING wrong with an FWB deal as long as you are both on the same page and not getting hurt. So...yeah, you either accept this thing for what it is (FWB) and what it will never be (a real relationship) and live with the pain (doesn't sound like you are able or willing to do this), or you distance yourself from this guy completely, take some much-needed alone time to regroup and take care of yourself. You're 25...what's the rush to settle down with someone? Especially someone who gives you so very little of himself?

    Posted by urkiddinme June 22, 09 01:51 PM
  1. Where were women like this when I was in my early 20's? They all wanted some sort of commitment before they would give it up. Nowadays, it's like "meh, let's just have sex and talk about relationships later".

    Guess what, ladies -- there is ZERO incentive for the man to do ANYTHING. Especially when he's told you absolutely plainly that he has NO INTEREST in having a proper relationship. Why bother, really, when you can tell her you aren't interested and still have sex?

    Posted by X June 22, 09 01:52 PM
  1. If you settle for crumbs, then you will continue to only get crumbs. This is a TOTAL win-win for him. He has no reason to change.

    Trust me when I say you are going to regret this time you wasted because you didn't listen and then settled for less. I was in his shoes, and never committed because I lost respect for the doormat. That would be you. Sorry.

    Posted by yupokay June 22, 09 01:54 PM
  1. OK; A lot has to do with the age. If a guy is young under 23 and says I don't want a serious relationship then that's what it means. If he's over 23 then maybe it means not with you. Either way you have to shut him off at least sex wise. No tickee no washee. I would date others and then you'll know. If he lets you go, he lets you go. It's been my experience that when a guy really loves someone he will do anything to get her. Damn the career. Let him know what you want and if he doesn't do anything. Like you said actions speak louder than words.

    Posted by jojobobo June 22, 09 01:55 PM
  1. Skylar #5 gave good advice about being on two different cruise lines..and that unless one wants what the other wants (which isn't what it is now), you need to move on. Unless you just want the sex with this quasi friendship thing, then, you need to stop with that. I agree with the others that he's probably dating/sleeping with others (it is possible that his friends don't know...or may not tell you). Both of you are very young, so unless both of you were on board for exclusive committed relationship, then that means move on and cut your losses. Get out and focus on your job, friends, working out, hobbies, etc. Don't even take this guy's calls. He had a chance, knows all about you, and I don't buy the "too busy" thing. Please...if surgeons, world leaders, actors, and people that work 18 hours a day and fly around the world can have relationships, the "I'm too busy" excuse is lame. Nobody is ever too busy to have a relationship with someone they love. You either love someone and want to make it work (even if it means limited time), or you don't. Short of that...and you just either want to play the field or not be bothered by anyone and be able to call your "best friend" and have sex without emotions, feeling, dating, or any commitment level. Move on..life is too short to pine for something that someone can't give you.

    Posted by bklynmom June 22, 09 02:01 PM
  1. There's this Fozzie Bear joke that goes "Her eyes had yes-yes, but her face had no-nos." (Get it . . . no nose. What can I say . . . it's Muppet Show humor.) Anyway, some people are conditioned to never believe what people say or to take their words at face value. For some reason it manifests itself most in relationships. It might be because they have been lied to a lot, or because they live in their own world, want what they want, and will only hear what they want to hear. You say that you have been looking at Vince's actions for clues. Well, does he lie to you? If he has been, then you might have reason to not believe the "no relationship" bit. But then, that also opens up new reasons for not being with him. However, if he has been honest with you in other areas, then you need to realize that he is telling the truth when he says he doesn't want a relationship. It's time to move on.

    Posted by KGF June 22, 09 02:02 PM
  1. "Someday the love of your life will be eternally grateful this guy was such a moron and drove you away." Best advice I ever got in my life (when I was in college and my on and off BF tried to downgrade me to his FWB. No regrets on cutting him off cold turkey, better guys came out of the woodwork as soon as they saw I wasn't hanging out with his drama-inducin' ass anymore!)

    Posted by RedSoxRock June 22, 09 02:07 PM
  1. Will you please grow a spine. Dump him, move on with your life.

    Posted by JustForComments June 22, 09 02:16 PM
  1. I was in your shoes once. I hung on and hung on hoping that our 'special connection' meant something wonderful and long term. I was in emotional agony but just couldn't let go. I look back now (years later) and I can't believe I was so blind. I thought we loved each other but I was so wrong. He's treating you like crap - you don't see him on weekends? That's a red alert for you to pay attention to. You need to let him go but that won't be easy for you.....talk to all your girlfriends and ask them to help you thru the hurt & pain when you let go. Good luck & listen to folks who posted here today........they are right.

    Posted by Katherine June 22, 09 02:20 PM
  1. DOORMAT, DOORMAT, DOORMAT!!!! Move on - stay away from him - IT'S OVER. YOU BETTER LOOK UP "SELF RESPECT" - AND TURN THE "SELF RESPECT" INTO ACTIONS - NOW. The Longer you do what you've been doing (hooking up with an EX once in a while) hanging out with him, stalking him, the harder and longer it'll take to MOVE ON AND BE HAPPY WITHOUT HIM.

    Posted by Been around June 22, 09 02:29 PM
  1. Your emotional feelings are clouding your common sense.

    Push aside all the filler, and your story reads like this: You are clearly in love with this guy and you want more from him then you're getting. He likes you as a close friend but he does not love you, does not want a relationship with you, and he is content with things as they are.

    That's it in a nutshell.

    The "He needs time to study" and blah blah blah is all a bunch of lame crapola. Open your eyes, Girl. Use your head and not your heart. Lots of people in committed relationships go to school and do very well.

    And let's be clear, this isn't about him getting any "free milk." From the start he was honest when he made it clear that what you got from him was all he was interested in giving. He is not misleading you, or using you. In his mind, this was a mutually agreed apon agreement. You agreed to things to be as they were. He gave exactly what he said he'd give. When you tried to turn the heat up in the relationship, he bolted. That's why. You fell for this guy and wanted the agreement you agreed to to become something more. He didn't. Not then. Not now. Not ever.

    If you want a serious, committed relationship, you'll have to look elsewhere. He's had ample time and opportunity to explore that, but hasn't.

    Sorry for being so blunt, but rear the writing on the wall. He isn't going to come around. Things are not going to change.

    Posted by Edz June 22, 09 02:32 PM
  1. I unfortunately am in a similar situation, but in my case I am giving him exactally what he wants... a friendship. Since the break up is so new he still wants the physical, but I say NO. I told him if he wants that then he has to be in a committed relationship with me. I'm 25 like you and wanted the whole happily every after, but sometimes it doesn't work out. We are great friends and he is someone that I care about, but in the end I care about myself more. I know that if I give in to him physically we will still be broken up and I will be really hurt. You deserve to have the kind of relationship you want so quit waiting for him and go find yourself someone that wants you! I'm sure there is someone right around the corner.

    Posted by Chrissy June 22, 09 02:32 PM
  1. Stop giving it away and find someone who will treat you better.

    Posted by sparky June 22, 09 02:34 PM
  1. Everybody plays the fool, sometime
    Theres no exception to the rule, listen baby
    It may be factual, it may be cruel, I aint lying
    Everybody plays the fool

    Fallin in love is such an easy thing to do
    But theres no guarantee that the one you love, is gonna love you
    Oh, loving eyes they cannot see a certain person could never be
    Love runs deeper than any ocean, it clouds youre mind with emotion

    How can you help it, when the music starts to play
    And your ability to reason, is swept away
    Oh, heaven on earth is all you see, youre out of touch with reality
    And now you cry, but when you do, next time around someone cries for you


    Posted by Anonymous June 22, 09 02:49 PM
  1. You two are having fun for now on HIS terms, not yours. The physical relationship is seductive and along with that comes a strong connection to someone who may or may not be there long term. Sex creates psychic/emotional/mental connections that are powerful and are meant to bond two people together as part of forming a partnershhip, long-term. If you choose to not have sex until you are in a committed relationship, you may spare yourself some heartbreak. But if you don't, then just be aware that your emotional train is headed down the tracks at 90mph when you do have sex with someone who might not be in your best long-term interest.
    Take care of yourself and do what you have to do to protect yourself emotionally right now. That looks like breaking it off with this guy and moving forward with care in future relationships. Good luck.

    Posted by exvermonter June 22, 09 02:50 PM
  1. I put myself in this exact situation for way longer than I would like to admit. Get out while you've only spent 2 years on him.

    It finally came down to me telling the guy that I never wanted to see him again and finally meaning it. Within a year of that decision, I met my now husband who is the love of my life.

    The only thing I regret is not ending it earlier.

    Posted by Lissa June 22, 09 02:58 PM
  1. Sorry to say "SMH", you are just his slab of meat right now and nothing more. Call it whatever you want: Friend With Benefits, Booty Call, F#@k Buddy, Human Blowup Doll, Placeholder, etc... Do yourself a favor and move on, he has.

    Posted by DudeGuyKidDudeGuy666 June 22, 09 03:02 PM
  1. SMH, you've gotten a lot of good advice here. Let me just add that I've been in your shoes, and the only way to get over the guy was to completely cut him out of my life for a time. It was a heartache, but I did get over him, and we could then go on to be friends (this is not always possible) but obviously no benefits. Don't go there until you are in a mutually exclusive relationship. Not only is it safer (e.g., STDs, etc.) but also it is what you deserve.

    It may be hard to believe now, when you are in pain, but there is someone out there who will love you and who will treat you like you deserve to be treated. The catch is that you must demand to be treated that way, and if you continue settling for less than what you deserve, that is what you will get.

    Posted by booklover June 22, 09 03:06 PM
  1. This is just insane. He isn't getting over on you, he isn't using you. He was 100% honest and upfront with his intentions (or lack thereof), he has done nothing but act on what he has already explicitly addressed to you, and you have gone and twisted it all around in your mind (which will happen when feelings are involved). Sorry, there is no blame to be levied here. If you don't know what to make out of candid, upfront honesty, you're in for much bigger problems further down the road.

    The problems are all in your head. Stop bringing innocent parties into it. You knew what it was, nothing has changed and yet you're steadily working on solidifying some of these delusions you have towards him, yourself, and your relationship. Some of these commenters aren't doing you any favors either.

    You're too attached. You overstepped your bounds in this relationship (from the beginning, actually) and now you're paying for it emotionally. It strikes me that you weren't very mature or reasonable about the whole thing, and you could use the heartache to learn a valuable lesson about guarding your heart more carefully, and LISTENING when people attempt to convey their wants and desires to you, not just going on a fantasy you've created in your head. You need to walk away and absolutely DO NOT date anyone else until you've done some extensive soul searching. Put in some "me" time, learn more about yourself and become more comfortable and accepting of who you are and what you're looking for in life.

    Posted by FreddyDo June 22, 09 03:08 PM
  1. Call it what you will: Placeholder, Receptacle for his love ick, Safe harbor, Port in a storm, Paramour. I’ve been there: FWB with someone who was in love with me. I was honest with her about my lack of love interest, but though I was clear, the waters were muddy. The only way to “get” the guy, besides getting pregnant, is to cut him off altogether. At 25, his attention and maturity regarding career has spilled over into his romantic life. He probably realizes that 25 is young and there’s plenty of time for him and for you to change. He’s likely waiting to be settled before entering into a commitment. If you’re the one, he will find you. But in no way should you play the fool here. He’s testing you to see how much you’ll take and how much you love him. How does it feel to be a crash love test dummy for your future husband?

    Posted by valentino June 22, 09 03:14 PM
  1. Most of the comments are right on. I wouldn't be so harsh to say that he's 'using' you, but I think he knows that he a) isn't ready for anything more serious right now and b) when he is ready for something more serious, he probably will want that with someone else. If a guy is in love, he's never too busy for the relationship. He'd figure out how to balance things. But I'm sure he cares for you as a friend and I suspect he doesn't want to hurt you.

    When relationships get to this point, there's usually one who doesn't want to get serious and the other who does. The one who doesn't want to get more serious generally is not going to cut off contact until they end up in another relationship but that doesn't mean they will ever want to get more serious. They generally know what they are looking for and as the U2 song goes, "Still haven't found what I'm looking for". So, although it seems unfair, it's you who needs to have the strength to move on.

    Posted by Rich June 22, 09 03:15 PM
  1. I've also been there...for the past 3 years in fact. I walked away. I wish I'd done it sooner. Once again, we can't tell you what he'll do...who knows? What are YOU going to do? Steven Carter has some great books-go on Amazon and look them up as well. Try 'What Smart Women Know'.

    Posted by pb June 22, 09 03:18 PM
  1. oh god, is this road familar, and painful.

    You really need to look at both the actions AND the words. Yes, "placeholder" is sadly the best description for it. Be strong, and don't give in to this situation. Look around, get out with other people and put this situation behind you. You will find out if he is really, truly interested in you (and not just the easy sex) and then you will have your answer.

    I have learned this lesson, having wasted years receiving, and settling for, mixed signals for someone I was crazy about. When the pendulum swung, and stopped, at "No", I realized how much time I wasted on the situation, and how badly it made me feel about myself.

    Don't spend another minute analyzing it all. It is what it is. If it changes great, if not, your life goes on

    Posted by ava June 22, 09 03:34 PM
  1. Hey guys...I appreciate all of your thoughs/comments/feedback. I just want to set the record startight and clarify that we HAD slept together a handful of times after being broken up. We have NOT slept together in MONTHS, and we still do genuinely enjoy eachother's company-- we will get food, go shopping etc. There no sexual relationship anymore, and there hasn't been for a while...and he STILL acts the same way he did when we were together.

    Just wanted to clarify.

    Posted by Still Miss Him June 22, 09 03:35 PM
  1. All these people who are telling you to dump him are probably right.

    On the other hand ... 25 is awful young. What's so horrible about continuing on? He can't keep studying forever. If after that's over he's still dissing you then you could move on. In the meantime, think of all the sex tricks you're learning. (If you're not, you should be)

    Posted by sean June 22, 09 03:35 PM
  1. SMH - This guy is how I was at 25. He's driven to complete his academic agenda and once thats done, he can move on to the relationship part. Only that relationship part may be with someone who has had equal schooling or academic status or some impressive work status, but not you... I wouldn't say he was using you, but you are convenient and you both know it to be true. You'll need to find your own path through your 20s... As hard as it is, try to focus on what YOU want to do, instead of seeing life as what both of you could be as a couple. Do you want to learn something academically, like get a master's or travel or live in a different county or in another part of of the US? . Try to distance yourself from him as soon as you can and maybe once you have grown a little yourself, you can see where you are and maybe you'll contact him again on YOUR terms.

    If I were this guy, I would keep going back to you because its convenient... Sorry to be so harsh. Good Luck.

    Posted by Anonymous June 22, 09 03:39 PM
  1. To 67,
    Thank you! I absolutely agree. This whole "purity" thing is overblown and damaging. The double standard is so obnoxious.

    On a side note, I love when people say "I agree with the guys on this board". Does anyone posting here REALLY know the sex of anyone else posting here? You know what happens when you assume.

    On another side, the few people bitchin' about this guy's "mixed signals" need to wake up and smell the coffee. He's been honest with this girl and she is willfully ignoring what he said because she is hoping for something else. Misguided, self-destructive.

    DJMcG - thanks for perpetuating the stereotype that all women are out there trying to bag a husband and that all men fear marriage. pfffff. Men benefit hugely from getting married. Don't lots of studies say married men are happier than single men? At least until kids come along - the kids ruin it for everyone.

    Posted by bostowyo June 22, 09 03:56 PM
  1. I spent 10 months with a guy like that. Instead of being 25, he was 35. And instead of telling me he wasn’t ready for a relationship, he told me we were “working towards one.” Which was his excuse why in all that time we did a lot of grilling cheese, but no actual sleeping together—because that was “sacred” to him. (I’m not sure if that was because he was already sleeping with someone else, or because he respected me too much, but I digress). In the interim, there were endless daily emails, IMs and texts, so I thought there was literally no way he was cheating on me because how would he have found the time to communicate with any other woman? (It was probably at night because the electronic communication with me dropped off after he left work, but again, I digress).

    The point is, I saw what I wanted to see. He wanted me to see the same things—and he wanted me not to ask too many questions. I never met his friends or family. I thought by not being demanding, I was giving him his space to decide he wanted to be with me. He, most likely, was using it to run around. I thought I could wait him out It wasn’t til a friend of mine provided me with some proof he was messing around that I kicked his sorry behind to the curb. It was painful, and I hated myself for closing the door and killing off the hope I had that he would be the guy I thought he was. Oh, he had no excuse for his behavior, and from time to time, he likes to get in touch and see if I’ll respond to his emails, or make some flirty comment, and I got some 2am drunko booty texts which I ignore. Yeah, I still miss him, and yeah it still kills me to think he could be in love right this minute with some other girl who doesn’t know him as well as I do (or is half as hot, intelligent and interesting as me, hahahaha). But I deserve better, and I know I’m better off for ending things. Because I’m not going to make any guy a priority when he’s only making me an option. And neither should you. Good luck.

    Posted by Movin' On June 22, 09 03:58 PM
  1. One thing I've learned is with guys there are no actions vs words. His words are what he means and feels. It's not to say that he does not enjoy hanging out with you, but if he really wanted to be with you, he would. My boyfriend and I were together while he was studying to further his career. Neither one of us had any money to do anything and our lives were hectic between his studying and my job, but we worked through it. That is such a poor excuse. When you really want to be with someone, you will do it regardless of what is happening in your life. At this point, you are 25 years old and have your whole life ahead of you. See what else is out there. You have to remember that he is also very young and if a girl is willing to hook up him and sleep with him, he will, he's a young guy... that is what they do. Save yourself the pain and drama, and move on. I suggest you watch "He's just not that into you."

    Posted by bored at work June 22, 09 04:10 PM
  1. you have a f*** buddy, not a relationship. Say goodbye and get yourself a life.

    Posted by linda June 22, 09 04:12 PM
  1. i love ya SMH, dont worry we will have a fun summer full of adventures. xo. Try to INGORE all the really negative people on this board (who are bored and saddened with their own miserable lives) and only pay attention to those who are offering genuine advice, comisery, etc.

    Posted by A friend (In real life) of SMH's. June 22, 09 04:16 PM
  1. When I was young and emotionally green/needy/vulnerable, I jumped into a relationship way too fast with an unstable older woman who I fell way too hard for, and I payed the emotional toll for years. She was anything but honest with me about anything, and she could've spared me a ton of crushed feelings if she could've just managed to tell me the truth at some point.

    So every woman I dated afterwards, I was very upfront with that I would not rush into another relationship. I was all for dating them, hanging out, all the fun stuff, but trust takes time and cannot be rushed. I hardly ever met a girl who didn't understand where I was coming from. Some just wanted something light and fun, like a casual little sex toy, and that worked for me ;o). Others liked me more (and I liked them) but were totally understanding of where I was coming from and didn't feel the need to rush me into anything. There was hardly a girl I dated that I didn't end up being friendly with after it was over, and a lot of that had to do with my honesty and not trivializing their or my own feelings.

    I finally met my (current) girlfriend, we took things slow for about 6 months until I was emotionally ready to commit (mind you, this was 5 years after the soulcrusher when I had processed and moved past most of the pain) - at which point I told her that I was comfortable moving on to the next level of commitment. The fact that she was patient with me and my feelings and didn't put any extraneous demands on my heart or my time only made me fall for her more. Now we've been together for 5 years, lived together for 3 and everything is good.

    I think many ladies can agree with this, when you have a man who is willing to be honest and upfront with you no matter what, you should take that as a positive thing, but you have to PAY ATTENTION to what he tells you. It'll keep you from getting hurt, but somehow you managed to mess that up. That's not on him. Those two things stuck to each side of your head are there for a reason. USE THEM. Don't hear what you want to hear, hear what you are actually hearing. I know it can be hard and strong emotional attachment can really cloud judgement, trust me, I've been there. As much as it sucks to say it, this type of heartbreaking relationship is going to PREPARE you to handle a relationship appropriately in the future. But this one is done, and you need to move on before you add any more undue heartache on yourself.

    Posted by BothSidesofTheCoin June 22, 09 04:18 PM
  1. he's just not that into you

    Posted by patty June 22, 09 04:27 PM
  1. Rico has something more to add...

    Rico read yoru reply to us and also wants to say that he doesn't believe you when you say you haven't slept with him since. Rico thinks you are barely 25 and are wishfully thinking that this guy will come around and be the man of yoru dreams. Rico is sorry to be the bearer of the truth...actually he is not sorry. Truth is that if he wanted a relationship with you more than a friend or friend with benefits he would have said so. Forget his actions, they are lying to you or your head is lying to you telling you it is something that it is not. After walking for days in the desert a man begins to see things, imagine lakes with water, etc...the heat gets to him and he eventually falls to his death. You are seeing things that aren't there trying to justify yoru actions, trying to justify sticking with this guy and hoping he will be yoru knight in shining armor.

    Rico wants you to go work out, ride a bike, run or whatever and feel good about your body and your soul then go out and meet someone taht actually wants a relationship with you. The guy is not a bad guy, he is being honest with you and his being nice is not a sign of him wanting to make you his wife. Don't be naive.

    Enjoy the rest of the day please and keep your head up and your umbrella held tightly. Or better yet skip the umbrella and be a kid, feel the rain on your face and enjoy nature.

    Love always,


    Posted by Rico June 22, 09 04:29 PM
  1. aw, #98, i love that! SMH, your friends have your back. go out drinking and dancing with them this weekend:)

    Posted by boredinboston June 22, 09 04:30 PM
  1. Dear Still Misses Him,
    As we said years and years ago in Jr High. ~ "He likes you but he doesn't "Like you Like you." Good to hear that you aren't being pressured into being FWB but that still isn't the main point of your letter.

    Men generally do not figure out suddenly that they love someone that they have previously only liked. He has already made his intentions to you very clear. You like him more than he likes you. That hurts and pains you. Why do you put yourself in a position to be hurt? I think that is the question you need answered and only you can answer it.

    Posted by Lain the Blunt June 22, 09 04:35 PM
  1. I totally agree with commenter # 86. You're the problem here, not your guy. He told you up front what HE WANTED, yet, you chose to ignore it on purpose just so you can manifest your delusion, by twisting it and make the relationship out more than it is.

    HE does not want a relationship. Are you deaf? yes, he's being nice and texting and calling you and having sex with you, SO WHAT! just because he doesn't want a relationship it doesn't mean he does not want to sleep with you or talk to you. DUH!
    I have been on both side of the table, actually. Once, I was like you, chasing after a man who had told me that he didn't want a relation. Then, once, I was the girl telling a guy I didn't want a relation(What I really wanted to tell him, was that, I'm just not that into you. Or I don't want a relatiohsip with you, but you can stick around until I find someone who's better than you). I was talking to several other guys on the phone, and going out with several, but then, I would still be talking to that guy who was chasing me. He was still trying to change my mind about committing to him. Ya, it didn't work.

    Now, I am in a 3 year relationship with man I want to spend the rest of my life with. He didn't chase me, nor did I chase him. Everything just sort of happened. We respect each other a lot, and there arent any mixed signals.

    Only you can make the decision to leave him or not. One day you'll get fed up, and you'll just leave him. I just hope it's sooner than later.


    Posted by ida June 22, 09 04:35 PM
  1. Still Miss Him - sex or no sex, you are very emotionally invested in this guy, apparently more so than he is in you. He said he didn't want a relationship right now. Believe it.

    You can rationalize this all you want, but every minute you spend with this "really good friend" is one minute you are NOT spending with someone who actions and words line up.

    If you walk away and he comes back, you have something. If he doesn't come back, you don't, and you can get on with your life.

    Youth is wasted on the young, eh? (sigh)

    Posted by ava June 22, 09 04:53 PM

    Posted by Been around June 22, 09 04:57 PM
  1. Don't waste any more time with him. Move on to someone who loves you.

    Posted by ramona126 June 22, 09 05:17 PM
  1. Move on, this will not last long term. If you really want to keep him, stop taking birth control. Then you have him for the next 18 years!

    Posted by keithshoo June 22, 09 05:19 PM
  1. Totally - move on now, make it a clean break with no looking back or regrets. Don't email him, don't text him, don't call him and don't take any more of his calls - starting right now. You want more, he cant give it and you're letting him control too much of how you feel. Its summer, you're 25, go out and have a blast - maybe even find a guy that wants to have a normal relationship before the summer ends. F-buddies are a dime a dozen, you can always find one of those.

    Posted by BeenThereDoneThat June 22, 09 05:26 PM
  1. Totally - move on now, make it a clean break with no looking back or regrets. Don't email him, don't text him, don't call him and don't take any more of his calls - starting right now. You want more, he cant give it and you're letting him control too much of how you feel. Its summer, you're 25, go out and have a blast - maybe even find a guy that wants to have a normal relationship before the summer ends. F-buddies are a dime a dozen, you can always find one of those.

    Posted by BeenThereDoneThat June 22, 09 05:31 PM
  1. He's using you (and if you never saw him on weekends and you only have his cell phone and you've never even been to his place, possibly a cheater too). But, I submit that YOU are possibly using him too.

    When a person is ready for a committed relationship, they don't put up with this kind-of, sort-off relationship crap. They move on quickly and don't waste time waiting around for someone who might be ready ... someday, and if only...

    You show me a commitment-phobe, and I will show you two: the second one is the one who is dating the first.

    Therefore I submit that you, dear LW, are NOT ready for a committed relationship either, and that's why you've put up with this, and why you are still wanting to hang on to him, and why you are still sleeping with him. You are also enjoying having all the "benefits" of this uncommitted sort of relationship. Yes, you are enjoying the pain and the doubt and the wondering and the occasional thrill when you do hook up. It is the perfect diversion.

    And it's perfectly okay to be a commitment phobe too. You're still young. Listen to your heart. It's telling you that you are not ready yet. This is safer. It's like reading a Harlequin romance, instead of having your own real life one.

    If you WERE ready, you would not have written this letter and you would've already told him "sorry, I think we need to cut all contact so I can focus on finding someone who is interested in a relationship."

    Posted by no longer a commitment phobe since 2005 June 22, 09 05:35 PM
  1. You have romantic feelings for him and even if he has some, he doesn't want a relationship with you.(I know that sounds horrible)Take a hiatus from him b/c the longer you hang out with him as friends is time and opportunity you could be meeting someone really great. I know your only 25 but my sister and I had friends that either were too picky or clung on to guys who weren't into them and even at 40 still aren't married. After 30, 2/3 of people are married so your chances of meeting someone great is NOW. Don't wait or waste YOUR TIME on him. I feel for you especially when everything seems so great, chemistry, attraction, personality but when you take a step back, something is off if he doens't want to commit. DON'T try to figure it out, just accept it. Get out there and meet a wonderful guy!

    Posted by Lisa June 22, 09 05:53 PM
  1. I meet this guy/girl, I say that becuse 50% of the he is she, and the other 50% he is a he, she likes me and she doesn't, he like me and then he doen't
    I think this person, doesn't know what or doesn't sure he wants to commit to anyone but his mother, sister, or his brother, or sister. And then I meet this other
    guy, this one is a he 90% of the time. He wants to do all kind of things with me that
    I am not even closed to there yet. Now I am ready and he said he is just too busy.
    Some of them just jerk really. Play hard to get is old I think.

    Posted by I am the good girl, not a bad guy June 22, 09 07:05 PM
  1. I'd cut the cord totally. It'll take time, but you'll find a new man that will make you feel just as good. Don't waste your time on this guy. I know by experience there's nothing more painful than being in love and not getting it return. It's not worth the heartache in your 20's dealing with this. Don't be like me, in my 30s and single because I was hung up on girls who didn't like me.

    Posted by LeBron June 22, 09 07:20 PM
  1. I just became a regular reader recently, and I am disappointed how many of the letters follow the same general theme and how well I can relate: girl wants a serious relationship with guy, guy likes having girl around but is somehow showing signs that he isn't taking this so seriously, girl tries to ignore the signs because she wants to trust him or hopes she can change him.

    Why do we women do this to ourselves? I think women are generally more interested in serious relationships (in part because society tells us that is what we should want and I don't like that at all, but there are other reasons too) which might make it especially hard to find a guy who is ready for the same level of commitment, but we are better off on our own than with a guy who is making us crazy. If we are satisfied with a casual relationship fine, but hanging around men who are somehow telling or showing us that they are not serious about us (or not now at least, occasionally these things do change but we shouldn't wait around too long expecting it to) isn't fair to ourselves if that isn't what we want.

    I am generally an independent, intelligent woman but I spent many years in a relationship that wasn't satisfying me while waiting around for a guy to change. Like SMH I couldn't understand why he didn't realize just how great we were together (in a way I still can't but what I finally do understand is it doesn't matter why he feels that way, only that he does). Looking back I feel like a total fool. At least I have learned my lesson and am pretty sure I won't do it again. I hope the writer will move on before she wastes more energy wondering about this guy.

    Posted by L June 22, 09 07:45 PM
  1. I really need all this great advice everyone is writing. How do I ask my question?

    Posted by secret June 22, 09 07:54 PM
  1. SMH- Move on honey life is too short, all of the posts are right. I too have also been in a similar situation, and after conceiving a child, and 18 years of loving a loser I now see and only WISH I could get those years back. Time DOES heal wounds TRUST ME!! I never thought after 18 years I could love again, but it does and WILL happen. You just need to let the wound heal. No contact, etc.. He is only using you cause he know he can. Love yourself, respect yourself, and in turn men will respect you. Don't settle for less. You will one day look back & laugh and think wow, what a loser, and you will be much better off anyway.

    Posted by Know the feeling oh too well!! June 22, 09 08:21 PM
  1. You're both in your 20's. Find someone else. 'Nuff said.

    Posted by Aviatrix June 22, 09 08:54 PM
  1. The other day we were all debating whether men are easier to get along with than women. YES! Classic example right here. How to make a problem out of something that should be SO straight forward. He tells you he doesn't want a relationship. Guess what, he DOES NOT WANT A RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU!!!! Why is it that women DO NOT LISTEN?????? He's hooking up, or trying to, when you're not around, by the way. This should have been so simple. He told you the TRUTH so early on! Yet you made such a mess and now you're all hurt!?!?!?! WHY do women do this?????? HE DOESN"T WANT YOU! Either deal with being a placeholder who will get the boot big and hard as soon as he finds what he IS looking for, or move on.

    Posted by been around long enough to know June 22, 09 08:55 PM
  1. wobecky (#34) - I didn't know people could time travel from 1860 to 2009! How heavy was your outdated morality baggage on that train?

    Posted by reindeergirl June 22, 09 10:00 PM
  1. A good friend was in love with a similar guy. They hadn't sleeping together, but were in constant contact. He claimed that his work was too engrossing for him to be free, and that he wasn't capable of being in a healthy relationship, so he was going to stay solo. But he kept staying in constant contact. Turns out he already was in a sexual relationship with someone else, and was using my friend for additional ego-boosting.
    Honey, you and my friend both deserve way better!

    Posted by Danskat June 22, 09 10:08 PM
  1. SMH - I'm a 24 year old guy. Was in almost the same situation about a year ago. I was dating this girl and I didn't really want a serious relationship. I loved hanging out with her, sex was great, etc, etc. She wanted a full-blown relationship, while I made it clear I wasn't really ready for that. I was working two jobs at the time and just wanted some time for myself. Wasn't looking to date other girls or anything like that. I was just busy and wanted to be able to relax and hang out with friends and watch a game without feeling guilty about it. Anyway, long story short, we broke up because I didn't want things to get so serious and now a year later I regret it pretty much every day. Don't know if that helps, but maybe he'll be like me and realize what he wants after it's gone.

    Posted by Brian June 22, 09 10:15 PM
  1. Now being older and wiser I can tell you, it will not happen for you. The thing is this is really emotionally abusive to you; I am not saying he is a monster etc. Not that kind of abuse...but even though he has been honest in his words, he is not acting that way. He must know that you have feelings unless he is clueless.
    I have a guy friend who is honestly one of my best friends (I am married) and he is great - he is smart, funny, adorable and really nice. He is younger and single and I see that he has a girl friend who was his girlfriend years ago.....well, many years later and she still is trying to get with him. I told him I know that he is friends with her and he does love her but he needs to cut it out. He needs to let her know it will never happen. I know he wants to be friends with her but for her sake I said he should give her a wide berth. He is so far from being a jerk but yet he is being one and I know he does not mean it....
    We women give so much of ourselves and what I realized when I met my husband and when I got married was that I needed to get as much back as I give. I think you need that - you are giving everything here and he is getting all of the benefits. He may be a wonderful guy but for your sake, you need to cut ties and find the right guy for you.

    Posted by Trixie June 22, 09 10:21 PM
  1. To his credit he was honest about his non-intentions -- could have been a liar too. Even so, if you care about someone, you don't string them along. Being honest does not excuse hurtful behavior.

    Posted by Ricky June 22, 09 11:11 PM
  1. It is not all women like to be in that position, it just that you have hope and wanting
    maybe he or she will come around.

    Posted by being hopeful that's all June 22, 09 11:38 PM
  1. secret (#115) - Write to Mere at: loveletters@globe.com, or use the link to the form at the top right-hand corner of this page.

    Posted by reindeergirl June 23, 09 06:57 AM
  1. Where are the "mixed signals"? His actions are consistent with his words. He says he doesn't want a relationship right from the beginning. They never use the "I love you".
    He broke up with her when things get serious. What else can this man do to convey his intention?

    And yes, he is ready for a relationship as soon as he meets the one. She is not the one, not even a girlfriend. She is a temporary companion and sex partner. He is not using her either, not after his clear words and equally clear and loud actions.

    This lady is confusing herself, and perhaps a lot of readers out there.

    Posted by WhereIsTheInconsistency June 23, 09 08:47 AM
  1. Classic signs of a player: a person who says one thing, misleads you for a few months then has his initial statement to fall back on and not feel guilty about hurting you.
    You should move on. Thank you for playing.

    Posted by You've been played June 23, 09 09:01 AM
  1. Jasper's right about Meredith being right. ( sounds like Blazing Sadles: Amol Johnson's right about Howard Johnson's being right). There's an old phrase, and I'm sure I'm not the first to mention this, it goes something like, why buy the cow when you can have the milk for free. There's nothing wrong with being friends with benefits, and I'm sorry to hear that, in your heart, it's growing into something more without reciprocity. It's tough to handle, but surround yourself with friends and hope and move on to other things. Friends with benefits rarely ends well.

    Posted by hippydippy June 23, 09 09:36 AM
  1. My twin and I are pretty ok looking, we can get most guy's attentions if we really
    want to, we don't flunk or flirt with men alot, but we both feels that once the guys
    get to be our boyfriends, or husbands they treated us like doormat like that. Or
    their family anyway. To #77 and poster#70, So don't say that we don't have respect
    for ourselves, sometime people hung on to it, becuse of responsibiliabity and
    commitment, say being a mature adult. I know my brother and I once, saw how hurt my twin were after being dump by her boyfriend, I mean she was so into him and there's nothing she would not do for him, but he just push and take advantage of whatever she gives, my brother and I just wanted to kill the guy, She want to
    kill herself beacuse of him, I am serious. He was a jerk of the jerk period. But
    now she is happy with someone, and I happy for her, and I hope that jerk run
    over by a car or maybe someday what's goes around comes around, a mean
    and very bad women come into his life and send him to hell so.

    Posted by twin June 23, 09 11:39 AM
  1. #94 bostowyo:

    No offense, but are you a complete buffoon or just semi-buffoonish?? Just wondering...

    Much like any of the other major stereotypes, it only exists because it's TRUE. I even posted a friggin disclaimer stating that it was a generalized stereotype, jagggazzz! It's your fault if you can't handle the fact that it's the standard... maybe you fall outside of it -- congrats to you! But you do not solely constitute the society's standard. People who don't fit under whatever umbrella is being discussed are AGAINST the NORM, much like in THIS instance.

    Oh, and by the way... you're dead wrong about the "sexual experience double-standard", which I've seen levied around here a bit. Um, there isn't one. In order for there to be one, men would have to actually participate in the pathology behind this phenomenon. Unfortunately, the whole "women who sleep with multiple guys = slut" has always been perpetuated by WOMEN. It's a stigma that women create against other women out of pure jealousy (what else!). Men draw on the "slut" terminology because we know it has a high level of rile-ability and is an instant winner in many disagreements. But women are the ones who have set the system of what constitutes a slut or "slutty behavior". In fact, most men consider those "behaviors" preferable. Any sexual inhibitions and insecurities are perpetuated by your own sisterhood... that is an absolute, undeniable fact. You just have to overcome it. It's a point in a woman's life where she decides to either TAKE control and rise above the moronic chatter or continue to BE controlled by said moronic chatter. That same group of hags that were labeling the 'girls of interest' back in middle school are still out there, waiting to pounce, ready to make you feel bad about yourself for doing something they only wish they could!

    But please -- let's not continue to misappropriate this ongoing battle to some ludicrous theory of how men set this double standard based on "what they're really looking for in a woman"... When it comes to this, what men REALLY want is a woman who is sexually liberated and doesn't let her circle of hyper-judgmental girlfriends dictate her actions...

    Posted by DJMcG June 23, 09 01:14 PM
  1. plain and simple he wants a f-buddy if you can handle it for what is is fine, if not move on

    Posted by pepperlevine June 24, 09 02:00 PM
  1. Sweetheart, you need to pick up a copy of He's Just Not That Into You and learn it by heart.

    Posted by MelissaJane July 2, 09 03:21 PM
ABOUT LOVE LETTERS: Welcome to Love Letters, the place for love advice (giving and getting). Globe relationship columnist Meredith Goldstein and Boston.com readers are ready to take your letters and tell you what's what. Have a question? Click here to submit or email us at loveletters@boston.com.
Blogger Meredith Goldstein

Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.

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