Today’s letter comes from someone in Waltham who just isn’t feeling it.
Q: Dear Meredith and LL readers:
Unlike some posts, my situation doesn't contain a lot of high drama, but has been eating away at me for a few months now, and it would be invaluable to know what you think.
I have been involved for almost two years with a man who is fundamentally a good person. He's stable, reliable, responsible, and he adores me. The problem is that I'm not feeling a deep connection to him at this point. We're both in our 40s, and he is the sort of person I feel like I "should" be with, but he just doesn't satisfy me on a number of levels. Sexually, there's almost no spark left and I'm no longer physically attracted to him. I feel more like he's a sibling than a lover. We do have some basic lifestyle choices in common, which is nice, but in terms of excitement or passion, I'm not feeling it, mentally, physically, or emotionally.
I've never been married and would like to settle down at some point, but I am worried about settling with this man. I don't really want to have children if it's not with the right person, so I don't have to worry about my biological clock ticking. I do worry that good men really are hard to find and that I would be giving up on someone who would be a stable, steady, long-term companion who would always be there for me in exchange for an unknown future.
-- Sparkless, Waltham
A: Sparkless, may I quote you?
“I'm not feeling it, mentally, physically, or emotionally.”
I’d love to say this is a seven-year itch sort of thing, but you’ve only been dating the guy for two years. It shouldn’t feel so sparkless so soon.
You say you want to settle down “at some point.” Maybe you do, maybe you don’t. Regardless, it doesn’t sound like you’re interested in settling down now, especially not with this man. It sounds to me like you’re sticking around because you think it’s the thing you’re supposed to do.
My guess is that your guy notices that you’re not as interested in him as you used to be. What you owe him – and yourself – is some honesty. Tell him that as of now, you’re sticking around because he’s a good companion, not because you're in love with him. I have a feeling he'll come to his own decisions after that.
Unknown futures are scary, for sure. But they’re usually full of sparks – good sparks and bad sparks. If sparks are what you’re looking for -- if you want to go searching for a man who feels like a man, not a sibling -- get to it. It won’t be easy. But to me, unknown futures are less scary than committing to someone out of fear or obligation.