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She doesn't like girls

Posted by Meredith Goldstein  June 19, 2009 09:10 AM

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Thanks for so much feedback on yesterday’s letter. Hopefully, Press will keep in touch and tell us what happens. Here’s one about girls.

Q: Do I have to hang out with girls??? I grew up with mostly guy friends and feel like I "get" men better then I do women. However, now I am a married woman, happily, and I am getting a lot of pressure from my husband to "make some girlfriends". I should add that I am not still close with many of my childhood friends. So it's not a jealousy thing. I think.
I see where he is coming from. He has a group of friends and we all hang out together. Some of his friends have girlfriends or wives and I get along okay with most of them. I even like some. But when it's "girls’ night out" I tuck tail and hide under the covers! I don't feel like I fit in with girls. They make me totally uncomfortable, and I always fail at my attempts at friendships with them. Having girls for friends is like having a "girlfriend". They get all mad when you don't call right back, they are always asking if they look fat, (and we all know they either are and need to hear otherwise, or they are rail thin and the question makes you sick), and furthermore, they want you to share your secrets to them while they are telling you someone else’s. And really, who needs that? I have two good friends back home, girls, and I feel no need to have more. When we all get together, I'm there. But "girls night out" NO THANKS!!!!!! Am I totally nuts?

- Glamgirl, Boston

A: Glamgirl, one of two things is happening here.

My first theory is that you’re the problem. I fear that you’ve spent most of your life in a romantic relationship and are now incapable of being accountable in a platonic friendship. I fear that you’ve preferred to be the only woman in a group because it means you’re always unique, always cared for, always the center of attention.

My second theory is that you simply haven’t found the right women. Not all women want to talk about their weight all day. Not all ladies want a ladies’ night out. The girlfriends and wives of your husband’s friends aren’t necessarily the right women for you.

Some people have trouble finding a significant other. Other people have good luck with love but have to go hunting and fishing for the right friends. You may have to hunt/fish. I'm here to tell you it's worth the effort. Having great friends -- female friends, to be specific -- makes for a more interesting life. At the moment, you're missing out.

It sounds like some of the women in your social circle do have potential. Perhaps the group dynamic is what turns you off. Have you tried hanging out with them one-on-one?

It doesn’t have to be “Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants.” It doesn’t have to be “Sex and the City.” It doesn’t have to be the wind beneath your wings. But you should have some great women in your life. They come in handy, especially as you get older. My advice: keep an open mind. To assume that women aren’t capable of connecting with you in a rational way simply because they’re women is, well, sexist. Right?

Readers? Why can’t Glamgirl find girls she likes? Is it her? Is it them? Share thoughts here. Submit a letter to the right.

-- Meredith

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183 comments so far...
  1. Guys have this problem too. I (a guy) have essentially only female friends. Did you see that movie that came out a few months ago about the guy getting married and needs to find a best man? Hit WAY too close to home for me.

    If there's a solution for this I don't know. I'd rather not be "psychoanalyzed" for somehow being a "problem", though - which is what Meredith has done. Because aside from this - which I really don't spend much time caring about - I'm a very happy and successful person thank you very much.

    Posted by johnG June 19, 09 09:43 AM
  1. Wow. Her stereotypes about women are quite disturbing. I don't know what kind of women she knows but I'm very sad for her. I have the best girlfriends in the WORLD who are so much fun, make me laugh, are not needy in the least, and are there for me when I need them.

    Posted by H.O. June 19, 09 09:44 AM
  1. Man, god bless your husband...he must be a SAINT, as you sound like a real self centered, egotistical piece of work. I am always skeptical of women who have very few or no girlfriends. It says a lot about your ability to compromise, be empathetic, see things from another perspective. There is no reason a person should not have friends, it is the most natural thing in the world.

    I am sure the half of this letter that is missing is the one where you put all your eggs in your husbands basket, and because of your social deficiencies, try and keep him from hanging out with the boys. Making your husband or your kids the center of your life is one thing...making them the ONLY thing is your life is unwise and unhealthy. If you havent driven your hubby crazy yet, it will happen soon.

    Get into therapy lady and get a clue.

    Posted by Patrick June 19, 09 09:45 AM
  1. Hi. I used to feel the way that you do, which is to say, I felt that guys are so much more straightforward than women, and easier to get along with. That was true in my twenties (early on in my marriage), but as I headed further into my thirties, I have found having female friends wonderful, even indispensable. I have no sisters or aunts, and grew up in a male family, so for me I think part of the "no girlfriends issue" was simply an absence of a lot of girls around the house growing up.

    But there are aspects of you that only other women will "get" and in general having different types of relationships: spouse or partner; guy friends; female friends; family friends; couples you both like is great. No one person will ever be able to be there for all of what you can give and need, not even the greatest spouse in the world, but a variety of relationships is life enhancing. I think Meredith is right: take your time, hunt around, and be open to friendships that may not feel "instant" but that can grown over time. Nearly all my female friends were people I did not feel instant connection to at first, but who really grew on me over time.

    Posted by Ignatia June 19, 09 09:47 AM
  1. Should find some contacts locally. Does not have to be your current crew, but as you get older and maybe have a couple of kids, you'll end up isolated. Network with some women with common interests and spend energy with that instead of whining about current group.

    Posted by 1time June 19, 09 09:48 AM
  1. For the first time I have to say Meredith is 100% DEAD WRONG. I know many women, who can't stand to be around groups of "girlfriends" for dozens of various reasons. I think M's first statement shows exactly why: WOMEN TEND TO BE VERY JUDGMENTAL AND CATTY (as was her first paragraph). I happen to be married to a women who prefers to socialize mostly with men, except for a few select longtime female friends. I also have a Daughter whom is exactly the same way. And believe me, neither of them are that way because they want to be the "Center of Attention". The reason they don't like to hang out with Chicks is because them find them to be annoying in dozens of ways: Gossip, Narcissism, Drama, and Vapid Insipid conversation. I give "M" a huge FAIL! on this one!

    Posted by DudeGuyKidDudeGuy666 June 19, 09 09:50 AM
  1. Um, I think I must have written this letter while sleepwalking because I'm in the same boat! I've always gotten along better with guys, or to be fair, with girls who are not talking about their weight, or gossiping about everyone, backstabbing, etc etc. Unfortunately, girls who aren't like that are few and far between, in my experience at least, and evidently in yours as well. I don't think Meredith's first theory is necessarily correct that you must like being the only girl because you like being the center of attention or don't know how to have a platonic relationship (maybe it's true, I don't know, but if you're like me then it's definitely not true.) I absolutely hate being the center of attention, and because I fit in more with guys than with the vast majority of girls, I'm absolutely not the center of attention when I hang out with guys, but I tend to stick out like a sore thumb around girls. I try to talk to girls about football, and they look at me like I have three heads. I don't divulge all the juicy details of my personal relationships because they're, well, personal. I suck it up and go on some girls nights out with some acquintances/friends (mainly to give my bf some time to himself or to go out without me) but I really have to pump myself up for it, drink a lot of wine, and pretend I'm trying out for a role in the sequel to Sex in the City. Maybe that's a little melodramatic for comedic effect, cause it's not always that painful, but I have so much more fun when hanging out with a group of guys, or at least a mixed group. I too have 2 gf's from my childhood that I am really close with, unfortunately they live far away, so we don't see each other much. My problem is drama. I hate drama. And somehow I meet girls who love drama, create drama, live by their drama. They're not bad people, just not my style. So I know where you're coming from, and I feel for you.

    I don't know what else to tell you other than that we'd probably get along great! And that you're not totally nuts, cause at least I agree with you!

    Posted by Man's Best Friend June 19, 09 09:51 AM
  1. I agree 100% with Meredith. I never ask my friends if I look fat, and we don't gossip either. We go to the movies, we cook dinner, we go out for drinks, we go for walks, we laugha dn have a good time.
    Find friends you can connect with by joining a hobby group or taking a class in somethign that interests you. Most of my good friends, I met them at former jobs. What was once workplace banter turned into "Let's go for drinks/dinner after work.", and then you become friends.

    Posted by Noel June 19, 09 09:52 AM
  1. this sounds like me.... when i was 18 years old. Then I met a couple absolutely amazing females and I realized that (As mer said) I had been keeping relationships with only boys partially because being the only girl made me a princess, made me sexy, made me needed (think den mother). Don't get me wrong, my best friend in the entire world is a boy and its the healthiest relationship in my life. But my girls, my girl friends keep me grounded, they are my biggest cheerleaders, and iI am comfortable with them in a completely different way than i am with my male friends. They are a little more work than my guy friends, but SO worth it

    Basically - you need both. Meeting girls for the first time or so still makes me nervous, but I find that when I tell girls, I really need more girl friends in my life, they always express the same sentiment. And yes, you might have to tell them that they dont look fat once in a while, but they would support you and compliment you in the same way if you needed it.


    Posted by blahblahblah June 19, 09 09:57 AM
  1. I have a simpler explanation. This woman is a narcissist who thinks she is better than all the other woman. Hanging around with only men reinforces this as men will say anything to an attractive woman, especially if she is the only woman around.

    By the way, using "Glamgirl" as a moniker made the diagnosis easier.

    Posted by mikestwocents June 19, 09 09:57 AM
  1. As someone who recently was lucky enough to have really great women come into my life, I can tell you that Meredith is spot on about the benefits of girl friends. My friends are all my friends individually. One is from work, and she has a baby. Another lives in Wisconsin. Then I have one who is my go-to-girl for reality checks about guys, life, money and with whom I take my nights on the town. My time with them is spent individually, and is refreshing and reaffirming and something my life was seriously missing after I got severely hurt by my childhood best friend. The girls I met in college just weren't right for me. So, Glamgirl, guys are great. But I've found that dating and relationships with men are way more fun and meaningful when you have girls to share them with.

    Posted by LR June 19, 09 09:59 AM
  1. Glamgirl, the mere thought of having a "Girls Night Out", makes me cringe and want to hide under the duvet as well. Most of my friends are men. I have one close female friend, whom I see one on one, or with our mutual male friends. I can't tolerate groups of women. I can't stand the whole running in packs mentality that some women have. I mean they can't even go to the bathroom alone! I use the handicapped bathroom at work just to avoid the hen party that goes on in the ladies room several times a day. I think my husband would like it if I had more female friends, but he has given up on that happening. Glamgirl, do you have sisters? I don't. Maybe that is what some would say is "wrong" with us. I don't see being anti-girls night out as a problem. Maybe you just need to find another woman who feels the same way you do.

    Posted by MidLifeWife June 19, 09 10:01 AM
  1. I think it's Glamgirl's problem. I've run into a few women in my life who claim to have no female friends and that they get along better with men. It became clear to me pretty quick that they did not have any female friends because they always had to be the center of male attention. I feel bad for women like this. It must be lonely. I can't imagine my life without my girl friends!!

    Posted by Anne June 19, 09 10:01 AM
  1. I don't think she has a problem at all. Men are easier to get along with. Woman tend to be higher maintenance and simply have a different thought process. Now, not all women are that way. LW is case in point, so Meredith is right in that Glamgirl simply has not met the right women to befriend. She needs to find some that have a similar mindset to herself. The 'girls night out' stuff is funny, stereotypical, but true in some circles. Excuse me if I sound sexist LOL!

    Posted by JohnB June 19, 09 10:02 AM
  1. Meredith -- your reply to Glamgirl was BANG on target. She doesn't know what she is missing!! Girlfriends are a must - to keep us real and act as a sanity check. Do we have problems with them? yes, but hey tell me ONE relationship type in this world that is without problems! The pluses of having girl friends far outweigh the minuses. And within each gal group, each member tries to develop their own space, boundaries. Having girl friends does not mean you have to tell all your secrets, or share everything about your life. It is your choice.
    Geez, this woman needs to grow up, and learn to appreciate people regardless of their gender.

    Posted by chins June 19, 09 10:06 AM
  1. I haven't had a chance to read the other comments but i just needed to put my two cents. reading this letter offended me. glamgirl, you assume that all females are shallow and only talk about their weight and gossip/backstab each other. hmmm im a female and i have a ton of gfs. i would HATE a stereotypical female like that. i'm not saying that there aren't a few girls out there like that but the majority of girls are NOT like that and we have more to offer. As you've had no real experience with gfs, so i assume your take on females is only from that which you observe from movies or from some petty hs trauma.
    you just need to broaden your field beyond your husband's friend's gfs/wives. expand your reach.

    Posted by Linda June 19, 09 10:06 AM
  1. I can totally relate to you, GG! I have always found it hard to make friends with women and feel especially uncomfortable in a girl-group dynamic. And I too have a husband who is encouraging me to make new girlfriends. Easier said than done!
    Here's my theory: It's easier to be friends with men for two reasons. One is that men tend to have "situational" friends -- the friends they watch Sox games with, the friends they play poker with, etc. There's no reason that you can't do this too. You may find a women who shares your taste in movies, for example, even if you don't want to do everything with her.
    Reason two is that men's conversations tend to be less personal. Which makes men much easier to hang out with most of the time, but also means a male friend probably isn't going to be one you go to when you really need a shoulder to cry on.
    My opinion is that it's a good thing to be selective in making friends, male or female. You don't want to pour your heart out to just anyone. But as Meredith says, you also shouldn't rule out an entire gender. There are some women out there who will be good friend material for you. Maybe not a lot of them, and it may take a while to find them, but they're out there. I promise.

    Posted by Been there June 19, 09 10:07 AM
  1. First!

    Posted by Brooklyn Barkowitz (lets go yanks!) June 19, 09 10:07 AM
  1. God, as a woman, I think I'm almost offended. All I am to this LW is a gossipy, insecure pain in the butt.
    ANYWAY, you call yourself "Glamgirl" - this leads me to believe you probably enjoy things like shopping, make up, fashion? At the very least, we know you like reading and writing to an advice column. These are (traditionally) girl things. It is totally possible that you just don't like your husband's friends' spouses. That's fine. But don't harsh on all womankind. Mer is right - you just have to go meet the right girl.
    I too have trouble making friends with women, but I know that's me, not them. You live in a city full of women that demolish gender stereotypes every day - they are smart professionals, lovers of their sports teams - we really aren't all sitting around crying because our butts are too big and the dude in the bar didn't call us back. Lose the 'tude and you will realize what your husband sees - that you're life is only half-full.

    Posted by Q97 June 19, 09 10:07 AM
  1. Women...can't live with'em, can't run'em over with your 4X4

    Posted by josh June 19, 09 10:08 AM
  1. I think every woman should have some close girlfriends. I realize for some this is easier than others. As you get older and perhaps married is when you'll realize you wish you had them. Life could get pretty lonely if your only friend is your husband. Especially if your husband has hobbies or interest that you don't share or that don't include you.
    Your husband might be making this suggestion because he wants a true "guys" night on occasion. This is totally healthy for him. Also, (this may sound shallow but a reality) some of his friends wives might not want them always hanging out with you when it's suppose to be a guys night.

    Posted by bgcomreader June 19, 09 10:08 AM
  1. Sounds like she could just get along better with guys. Not sure I agree with the idea that I fear that you’ve spent most of your life in a romantic relationship and are now incapable of being accountable in a platonic friendship." She gets along well with guys in general. I have some friends like that. Though, I'm sure there are some females out there that aren't all "Girly" for lack of a better term. So while I'd be open to meeting female friends if I were you, if you prefer guy friends more, do that.

    I'd also wonder what your husband's motivations are. Why does he want you to make more girlfriends? Do you interfere with his "guys night out"? Does he just feel its a strange thing that you don't have girlfriends? You said you're happily married, so you should be able to talk to him about it and understand more why he feels that way. That might help as well.

    Posted by Stewie772 June 19, 09 10:10 AM
  1. You sound like a real winner, its girls like you that give woman a bad rep! Do all woman a favor and stick with your male friends! "asking if they look fat" are you serious??

    Posted by nantucketsun June 19, 09 10:10 AM
  1. Agree with Meredith- it doesn't sound like you've found the right girl friends yet. No need to waste time gossiping or obsessing over weight with these women.

    Try volunteering or taking a class to meet like-minded women who you can have a real friendship with.

    Posted by Kate June 19, 09 10:10 AM
  1. I have WONDERFUL girlfriends yet I don't consider any of us, " girlie girls". Our ladies night usually consists of hanging out in someone's living room, laughing our heads off and getting constructive feedback about any problems that we feel comfortable sharing with each other.
    You don't need to assimilate to women that you don't identify with. Instead, you may need to hunt/fish for women who you can relate to, or feel comfortable with. Do you have any female siblings? A strong relationship with your mother? A strong bond with another woman is priceless, I find that even men understand that any relationship with another woman, whether it be romantic or not, is special and very much different from any relationship with a man.
    One of my best friends, whose wedding I'm in soon, is the opposite of a girly girl. We may disagree about heels vs flip flops, or how long is too long in terms of getting ready, but we have a wonderful relationship. In fact, tomorrow we're off the Provincetown for her bachelorette party. We've traded stupid clubs and penis parephenialia for a drag show and good fun.
    Only you can define the kinds of friendships you want with other women. I wish you luck and hope you find at least one girlfriend, you'll wonder what you ever did without her,
    Good Luck!

    Posted by ladylove June 19, 09 10:11 AM
  1. I had a girlfriend like you once, it was a nightmare. The translation for "I don't like girls" is, I get off on guys constantly trying to get into my pants via an initial platonic relationship. I feel sorry for your husband, he made a mistake marrying someone like you.

    Posted by beentheredonethat June 19, 09 10:12 AM
  1. My opinion as a woman: never trust another woman who has no female friends...

    Posted by A Woman with many female friends June 19, 09 10:12 AM
  1. Although I agree that female friendships become much more important as you get older, I think Meridith skipped over a big issue. Why is her husband pressuring her to find girlfriends?

    -Is he fundamentally more social than she is (opposites attract)?
    -Is he uncomfortable with her male friends? (the cold hard facts are that the rule of the game change after you are married. One on One Male/Female friendships that have any kind of emotional intimacy can pose a problem)
    -Does he feel that he needs to spend time with her (and possibly neglect his friends, hobbies, or work) because she would be alone without him?

    My ex could never understand why I preferred male friends over female friends (my friendships revolve around shared interests and activities - much more of a guy friend dynamic than a girl friend dynamic). I tried to maintain and nuture male friendships during the course of our relationship, but it never worked out - he never accepted any of the male friends - viewed them as a threat, which changed the dynamic of the male friendships and they always went into the weirdness zone.

    Now that I am single, I have a large group of female friends who are intelligent, kind, interesting, and we share some great hobbies together. Now that I have the right group of friends, I can see why girlfriends are important.

    Posted by Older and Wiser June 19, 09 10:13 AM
  1. I think you must be seeking out or encountering problem women, rather than great ones. My girlfriends are wonderful, strong, intelligent, independent women (married and single alike), and they know for a fact that they're not fat, so they never need to ask. They keep secrets and don't ask for mine, but if I need to share one they'll look me right in the eye while I tell it and offer whatever support they can.

    I've always been suspicious of women who say they don't like women, and cite as their reasons only the most stereotypical female behavior. I don't hang out with that kind of woman. Maybe your lifestyle (where you work, hang out, etc.) doesn't put you in contact with emotionally mature people in general, because I would imagine that the men who are hanging out with or romantically involved with these women are also deeply flawed.

    Avoid people with toxic personalities. And maybe think briefly about whether you're projecting your own behavior onto these women. Many of the women I know who say they "don't like girls"- because they're catty or vain or whatever- actually exhibit many of the personality traits they complain about, and don't mesh well with other women because they're just too much like them and can't bear sharing the spotlight, or facing their own flaws. To find someone you love, you have to be someone you love-- if you are an emotionally healthy person worth forming a mutually beneficial emotional bond with, you shouldn't have too much trouble finding others like that!

    Posted by JinMet June 19, 09 10:14 AM
  1. One of my best girlfriends, who is in my little group of close girlfriends from college, was a self-proclaimed "guys girl". Didn't like girls, never had, got along better with guys. I think she might still claim this today, not even really realizing how much this has changed over the past 10 years. I, on the other hand, have 3 sisters, was a Girl Scout for many years, and always placed a high priority on my friendships with other females. I am married now. I believe that my marriage would not be as wonderful and fulfilling as it is, if I didn't have my girlfriends to fulfill me in other ways. And I really like what Meredith said about sexism, not because I think that you are being sexist per say, but because i think it's important for woman to appreciate and respect each other, if we want men to do the same.

    Posted by boredinboston June 19, 09 10:15 AM
  1. Glamgirl, I am with you!! I can handle hanging out one-on-one, but groups of women drive me batty. It might be because I grew up with so many sisters. I am also not a small talker. There's only so much to say on the subject of shoes and shopping. And, Meredith, you are way off base here. There is nothing wrong with being a woman and not wanting to hang out with other women. Neither does having only 2 good friends and not wanting more make you abnormal. It simply means you prefer quality over quantity. Glamgirl, if you don't like hanging out with women, then don't. I had a little old professor in college who said it best, if not a little creepily, when explaining why at lunchtime he always headed for the table full of women: "I'm a man. I know what men are about and they're boring. I'd rather spend my time learning something new and exciting." If a female acquaintance asks you why you're spending so much time with the guys, just tell her that it's all in the name of research. And it's more exciting.

    Posted by No Homers Club June 19, 09 10:15 AM
  1. This is almost exactly like that movie "I Love You Man" - only in reverse.. a bizarro " I Love you Man"

    Posted by Patrick June 19, 09 10:16 AM
  1. You definitely have never been single Glamgirl. Who's going to be there for you when you take the early flight home from San Diego and..... y'all see where I'm going.
    There's plenty of gals like yourself, so you are not alone. It's like too little too late now, you should have a base of friends you can talk to, hang out with, vacations...etc. Figure it out

    Posted by babygorilla June 19, 09 10:17 AM
  1. All I can say is that I know EXACTLY what glamgirl means, and that, I think, is the answer. There are plenty of other rational, easy-going, non-clingy women out there. But we're all at home hiding under the covers, scared of the roaming herds of giggling girls...

    I know it's just semantics, but somehow thinking about having "female" friends, instead of "girl" friends makes all the difference to me, because I don't feel obligated to fit into a stereotypical group that I have never understood, not even when I was, litterally, a girl.

    Posted by Geek Girl June 19, 09 10:19 AM
  1. I don't know what age you are, but I used to feel the same. Still sorta do. But as I got older, I found women to get less superficial and less shallow in their interests. I don't think the problem is with you. I'm not interested in gossip mags, popular fashion, the newest hottie or tv drama, so ya its hard to come across the right women. Although if you stand in line at the checkout, you can probably learn enough crap to get through a useless conversation.

    Posted by lala June 19, 09 10:19 AM
  1. Oh geez louise I think Meredith is dead-on here. Whenever I hear or read a women say "I always get along better with guys because women are so blah blah blah" then I just know there's a woman with issues. And why is this statement usually said with pride, like it's a badge of honor to get along better with the other gender while tearing down your own? It's sad when a woman writes off potential friendships with half of the world's population because she is standoffish, insecure, afraid of something, whatever. Just like there are great guys who are worthy of friendships and lousy guys, there are great women and ones who are shallow and catty.
    LW, perhaps if you're not interesting in socializing further with the women you know, you could try to meet others through a shared interest or activity. In my area there are groups of women who get together for just about anything - 5:30 AM bootcamp at the local park, the foodie group at the library annex, book clubs, women's soccer and softball teams, garden club, investing groups, yoga classes, church groups, a hiking/biking group, I could go on and on. Maybe if you meet someone who shares a common interest, it will seem more natural to grab a cup of coffee after an activity, tag along to another social event, etc.

    If you want your husband to feel that you have balanced lives, you should hang out with other women. I have way more friends than my husband and it can set up an awkward dynamic. Rich social lives are good and healthy for any couple, and you don't want to be seen as that cold witch who is too cool to hang with anyone. And if you plan on having children, you will need other women in your life more than you can ever imagine. Guys just don't get motherhood the same way that other women do, and if you want your children to have friends, you'll have to learn to play nicely in the sandbox with the other moms. If that means suffering through the occassional jewelry or handbag party, that's sort of the price of admission into the mommy social circle and what you get out of it is worth far more than the occasional insufferable evening.

    Seriously, try to tag along for a "girls night out" and you might be surprised that you can have a good time. If it's not your cup of tea, so be it but at least you got some practice. Sometime you just have to push your discomfort aside, slap on your party face and go for it - you might find that you've been missing out on some friendships and fun.

    Posted by Jen June 19, 09 10:20 AM
  1. I think it's more the second theory. I'm not your typical girl - I hate shopping for clothes, I hate having to boost another woman's self esteem by telling her how fab she looks, and I generally hate girly girl things. But, I do have some very good female friends, most of them I met in high school/college. I trust them, they get me, and we can talk about something other than clothes and make up (btw, I don't wear make up).

    You might have better luck making new (female) friends if you engage in activities that are interest oriented. For example, if you like playing sports, try signing up for an intramural league (I'm sure Rico would approve!). Take a class in something you want to learn more about - history, art, photography, stained glass. Volunteer at the local food bank. Basically, do group activities that are based on interests. I think it increases your odds of finding like minded friends. But, be patient. I find that the older I get, the harder it is to find true friends. And making true friends takes time and effort. Plus, like trying to find true love, finding true friends can mean a few mistakes along the way. You may click with someone and think you've got a real friend only to find out he or she is not as nice as you thought they were. It happens - it happened to me.

    Also, you may need to be flexible. Some of my really close female friends do like to talk about clothes, but because they can talk about other things, and they are very good friends, I let them talk about clothes. And I even pay attention - after all, I can always learn something new ;) Think of it this way - your husband may be into NASCAR, and maybe it's not your cup of tea, but because he has other great qualities, you don't mind it if he sometimes goes on about the latest race or whatever. The same applies to friends.

    (As for woman getting upset if you don't call back - some people are just like that. I will go for months without talking or e-mailing some of my friends, but they are still there when I ring them up. Some people are fine with it, others aren't. However, if you continuously blow off e-mails and phone calls and invitations, don't be surprised if after a while you stop receiving them.)

    Posted by Klutzoid Tomboy June 19, 09 10:24 AM
  1. I agree with Meredith, and I think you are the problem, and I agree it might have to do with you spending your life in a romantic relationship and not developing friends outside of that. Mere is spot on again: do you have to be the center of attention all the time? (My guess is yes: look at your username..."glamgirl" - you sound like an attention hog).

    In my experience, when a group of guys hang out, they usually don't want one girl crashing their party. Your husband probably wants you to make friends of your own so he isn't the one always bringing the "wife with no friends". The guys might not even be your friends, they may just tolerate you because they feel bad for you, or they like your husband enough to let you come along, or they just know you are pathetic too insecure to be around other women and don't know how to tell you that they want to hang out with just their guy friends. You say that their wives/girlfriends are "ok". I am so glad I am not dating one of your husband's friends - you do NOT sound like a fun person to be around.

    As harsh as I sound, I sort of know where you are coming from. I wasn't a "girls girl" in high school (I was a bit of an attention hog and was perhaps a bit insecure) but went to a mostly women's college and realized I had been missing out on amazing friendships. I am now most certaintly a "girls girl" and I am so grateful for that because I am surrounded by wonderful friends who I enjoy hanging out with very much. They truly enrich my life. I don't know what I would do without my friends.

    Your girlfriends back home aren't enough. If they were, your husband wouldn't tell you that you need to make more friends. He can't be your everything and it sounds like you are trying to make him that.

    You need to learn how to play nice. Did your mother not teach you how to make friends? Get a life (and some friends) so you can let your poor husband have some alone time with his friends. That way, you won't end up emotionally suffocating your husband - and your relationship.

    Posted by Tricia June 19, 09 10:25 AM
  1. I had no girlfriends until I divorced- and then three women became my total dearest friends and have remained so through marriages, moves, health scares. I can call or see one of them after months and we pick up the conversation right where we left off. I think Meredith is right - I always let my boyfriends/husband get between me and any interesting women. Not all women are my friends - some are silly, shallow, mean, insecure, backbiting. But so many women, I've discovered, are smart, thoughtful, funny, wrestling with the same issues that I am. Perhaps Glamgirl is a little too caught up in her glamour (why exactly sign the note that way? Overthinking one's glamour tends to turn other women off). Drop the glamour and the attitude and strike out on your own - you'll be surprised.

    Posted by exiledmainer June 19, 09 10:28 AM
  1. Glamgirl, I get it. I've generally preferred the company of men, too. And no, Meredith, it has nothing to do with wanting attention, etc. It has everything to do with being more interested in guy-type talk.

    However, over time, I have found plenty of women who I click with, including some I would have never imagined would have been my friends. So, Glamgirl, open your mind. Participate in activities you enjoy, and strike up a conversation with the other women there. You may be surprised to like some of them. You're not going to love everyone you meet, of course, but if you reject them all because they happen to be female, you're really going to lose out. And when you find a group of like-minded women, 'girls night out' might be more appealing to you - it doesn't have to involve manicures and martinis.

    Posted by akmom June 19, 09 10:29 AM
  1. I don't understand your situation at all. I have many good girl friends that i've had for many, many years and I could not imagine my life without them.

    Clearly you have underlying problems and the fact that you cannot make friends is a derivative result. I would think about what happened in your childhood that prevented you from making + maintaining friendships and see how that carried over into your adult life.

    Posted by trueluv4eva June 19, 09 10:30 AM
  1. I can actually relate to where you are coming from. Growing up I had girlfriends but mainly they were my teammates in sports and definitely not the "girls night out" types. I have had trouble with this since I finished college and stopped being part of an athletic team, and my husband has at times suggested I try to hang out with his friends wives, but I just don't click with them. Not to say I don't like them and enjoy their company, but they're just girls I'd hang out with outside of the group.

    I think having friends, family or people you relate to is more important than having a group of girlfriends as long as you keep an open mind about it and don't write someone off just because she's a woman!

    p.s. I read this column and posts every day and for the first time ever I am commenting.

    Posted by Sportsnut June 19, 09 10:31 AM
  1. Meredith, you sound like one of the problem girls glamgirl is talking about. Maybe you're the problem. ok, I'm a guy, but glamgirl sounds like she makes a valid point. Aren't you being a bit sexist by saying she has to have girl firends to be fulfilled?

    Glamgirl, I think Meredith makes one good point - all women are not the same, just like men. There are good PEOPLE out there, men and women. Keep looking!

    Posted by Austin June 19, 09 10:32 AM
  1. Wow, this really is one of the most sexist things I've ever read. If the LW was a man imagine how outrageous this letter would sound. Not all women sit around complaining about their weight or whining when a phone call is not immediately returned. In my experience, women who claim to perfer to hang out with men only are either: a. desperate for attention b. uncomfortable with themselves c. too attached to thier SO or c. really really bad friends
    Take Merideth's advice and branch out of your husband's circle find some good friends of your own that you share common interests with. While you're at it - say something nice to the girlfriends/wives the next time you see them - bet ya $10 they think you are standoffish.

    Posted by Monty June 19, 09 10:33 AM
  1. Edith- You are rockin’ my world! I mean was that a bitch slap or what? You obviously keep your girls close…and require friends of substance….Nice. As for GG… We’re all made up differently. My fiancé tells me they should throw a skirt on me because of my overly developed feminine side. She’s not wrong. I find bright, creative, mature, thoughtful, compassionate and sharing women to be better company than emotionless men. Of course the trick is to find a few of those guys who are willing to get beyond boobs and beers. When you do, it’s a positive experience. Your description of women as shallow friends is a tad cliché. Guys can be catty as well. I think you enjoy the sexual tension between men and women: It invigorates you…fills you with anticipation…you were a guy in a previous life. So let’s have a look under that hooded thesaurus and find the correct language to please the girls.

    Posted by valentino June 19, 09 10:33 AM
  1. I can understand how hard it is to maintain girl friends as I also find it so much easier to be in a relationship and have guy friends, becouse as Merdith so rightly said "it means you’re always unique, always cared for, always the center of attention". But come on girl, take off the bitch hat and see that you need girlfriends becouse guys act stupid and oblivious a lot of the time and you need to laugh about it with friends rather than fester on it. Guys are great but not that great, and when they annoy the hell out of you its the girlfriends that keep you sane!!

    Posted by RC June 19, 09 10:34 AM
  1. I disagree with Meredith, and I'm a girl who has not spent my whole life in a relationship. There are a lot of benefits to having female friends, but I would say the majority of them are difficult, and can be very fake to other females. I find it much easier to be friends with guys-there is no drama, no talking behind people's backs, and they are not as judgemental. Girls can be very catty and competitive. If they're not talking about other girls, they usually are complaining about their weight, relationships, etc. It's exhausting.

    Posted by Not a girly girl June 19, 09 10:35 AM
  1. Glamgirl,
    As a man, I've been trying to understand and get along with women for all of my adult life. It's no easy task. You're all sisters. I feel your pain.....

    Posted by TD June 19, 09 10:36 AM
  1. Since your husband is pressuring you, there is something else going on that you're not telling us. My gut feeling here is that you may be a bit of a 'High Maintenance' person, which is OK. Maybe you just need to find some girlfriends that are more like you. Find out if any of your husbands friends wives/girlfriends have anything at all in common with you and take a stab at dong little things with them one at a time. You don't HAVE to go to 'girl's nite out', just be nice to them. With that said, if it is becoming a problem between you and your husband, then you might want to talk to him more about it. If you can explain it to him reasonably, then he should understand.

    Posted by DrK June 19, 09 10:36 AM
  1. I agree with Meredith's second theory...mostly because I have been in a similar kind of situation and that second theory is the same as the one I ended up with. Because really, there are girls and then there are people that happen to be girls. It might help to just try and meet more friends in general, for example people with similar interests, yada yada, and more than likely some of those people will happen to be...girls.

    And Glamgirl -- I'll be your friend. We can watch action movies and drink beer, or something. I won't ask you if I'm fat, I promise.

    freddy

    Posted by freddygirl June 19, 09 10:37 AM
  1. Boring. More drug-related letters, please.

    Posted by Glamgirl = whiner June 19, 09 10:37 AM
  1. I can identify with glamgirl. Hanging out with men is just more comfortable to me. It's not a "I want to be special" kind of a thing. It's that, in general, men don't overly analyze everything and don't think too much about feelings like women often do. I am completely perplexed when some of my women friends obsess about something someone said 3 months ago that was taken out of context. Men generally just let this stuff go. It’s generalizing but I certainly can find more men that are not overly critical than women. The few women that I know that behave more like men are my closest friends.
    I enjoy the competitive spirit of men to women. I find that women tend to form cliques more than men and are less open. If you suck then you suck and men will tell you that, women tend to internalize it all and hate you for the bad play for weeks without saying anything(c’mon girls, you know it’s true). I usually look for sports teams that have mostly men on them when I join a team. It’s not because I want to be “special” it’s because I want to be honest.
    That being said, I do have girlfriends. Not many but a few. I enjoy my time with them and I can appreciate a good girl moment when there is one.
    I value my girlfriends. I find their behaviors strange at times and refreshing at others. They certainly are better with the whole feelings thing and when you are looking for a chick moment they are there for you. I suggest Glamgirl find some girlfriends. They are good for you.

    Posted by IhearYaGrl June 19, 09 10:38 AM
  1. Boring. More drug-related letters, please.

    Posted by Glamgirl = whiner June 19, 09 10:39 AM
  1. whats wrong with doing it your way?

    Posted by jcour382 June 19, 09 10:43 AM
  1. You sound cool. I'll be your friend. I don't get pedicures with my girlfriends and I look great in these jeans.

    Posted by Sally June 19, 09 10:43 AM
  1. In some ways, I have had the same problem as Glamgirl, except that I do have a good friend from preschool days, and sisters! But yeah, I keep in touch with more guys from young adulthood than gals.

    If glamgirl ever has kids, the problem may be solved somewhat since Moms tend to hang together for the sake of supporting each other with the kids. I am "friends" with women from schools, music lessons, sports, etc. whom I expect I will not keep up with after HS days are over.

    My advice would be to join a service organization that will get you out of the house and connect you with other women who share your interests. Environmental advocacy, breast cancer, etc. Pretend they are your friends. After all, if you are too busy for "girls night" then you have a great excuse.

    Posted by delilah June 19, 09 10:45 AM
  1. This letter is boring today.

    Posted by melissa reardon June 19, 09 10:46 AM
  1. Wow this letter was really annoying.

    Posted by nicelife June 19, 09 10:47 AM
  1. I can relate to you, Glamgirl. I have a couple good (girl) friends back home, but at school all my friends are guys. I don't think that Meredith is right when she says "you’ve preferred to be the only woman in a group because it means you’re always unique, always cared for, always the center of attention." I relate to guys better than I relate to girls, and it's got nothing to do with wanting to be adored. Both of my sisters and my mom are like that, too.
    That being said, Meredith was absolutely correct when she said that it is important to have one or two really good girl friends. There are definitely some things you can tell them that you cannot tell guys. Not all girls are annoying, gossiping, self-conscious airheads that you want to smack some sense into. There is a small percentage of girls that are just as awesome as guys, and you have to keep an open mind when meeting new people.
    In any case, I wouldn’t worry about what your boyfriend says. I firmly believe that a significant other should never affect who you choose to be friends with. As long as you respect your boyfriend and don’t do anything sketchy with your guy friends, you’ve no cause for worry.

    Posted by Bam June 19, 09 10:47 AM
  1. I'm a female who has always had problems with female friends so I can sorta relate to the letter-writer. So many females are jealous and two-faced. I can understand her not trying to make new female friends when she states she has a few good ones back home. That might really be all she needs. I think true friendships just develop naturally, your husband should lay off and realize that he can't force you to be BFF with a his buddies' girlfriends.

    Posted by Kitty June 19, 09 10:48 AM
  1. Once again, excellent response Meredith. I am a 33 year old woman and I get fed up with this attitude. I too have some anxiety about hanging out with all women in large groups. However, I have wonderful women friends and a strong support system because of it. And, despite my discomfort, I do hang out with women in groups from time to time because that is how you maintain friendships. I grew up with 5 older brother and one younger brother and therefore until high school, my playmates were made up entirely of boys. If anyone could claim to be more comfortable around boys, I think it is me. But my women friends provide me with rich experiences, invaluable friendships, and a kind of love that I will never get from any of my male friends. I feel truly lucky to have these women in my life and I honestly reflect on how lucky I am to have this each and every day. And NONE of my women friends sit around and make comments about how fat they are, get mad if I dont call right away (or at all- they just call back), or tell other people's secrets. If this is what your experiences have been, you are definitely not seeking out the right friendships. There are normal, down to earth women out there who like to do normal down to earth things. We should be celebrating each other.

    Posted by Gma June 19, 09 10:49 AM
  1. What? Haven't found the right women or she's the problem?

    Sorry Meredith, I think you're way off base here. I'm a guy who, for the most part, prefers the company of women. And by that I mean, my closest friends over the past 10 years have been girls. I don't know what it is, but for whatever reason I make a stronger connection, friendship wise, with women in my life. Other than my close guy friends from high school and college, I rarely meet other guys that I could see myself being good friends with.

    I don't think there's anything wrong with this at all. Some people connect with members of the opposite sex better than others, whether you're talking about relationships or friendships.

    In my opinion, I don't hink you should feel like there's anything 'wrong' with not wanting to make girlfriends at all. Your friends are your friends for a reason-- not because of what gender they are.

    Posted by Meredith is wrong on this one June 19, 09 10:49 AM
  1. Sounds like Glamgirl's right on track, Meredith. Maybe she knows something you don't...

    Posted by cdunlea June 19, 09 10:54 AM
  1. I rarely comment but feel the need to. Women who don't like other women are part of a problem between the sexes. They are simplifying their own gender, but think that they themselves are somehow "different" and "special". I think Meredith hits the nail on the head when she mentions feeling special and cared for in a group of men.

    But women need to stick together. Being college educated, I don't want to believe that most differences cited between men and women are true, but the older you get, and the more you spend time with women, the more you see there are some things you can't always depend on your partner or any other men in your life to provide, at least not all of the time.

    Also, women who refuse to get along with women can harm relationships, especially when they are in platonic relationships with men, don't like to spend time with his girlfriend/wife, and insist on doing things on their own (like the Cape girl) are disrespecting that girlfriend/wife and even if they don't want to be, they are being threatening. Nothing sets me off about a female friend of a boyfriend more, than when you are standing there and she does not even bother to introduce herself, or learn anything about the woman dating her friend. This is the sign of a woman who does not like other women, who needs to feel special around her male friends, because surely she is different from other women, and just "gets" guys more.

    Posted by Boobies June 19, 09 10:54 AM
  1. My advice Glamgirl, is to just keep with it. If you go out and try to get to know as many new people as possible, the law of averages will play in your favor and you'll find someone you connect with on that platonic level. It isn't easy, and friendships don't just appear, but they can be worth it when you work at them. Try going out to lunch with people at work. Maybe Beijing on the Common or Sidebar for a nice sit-down if you're around DTC.
    I have trouble finding girl friends as well. Last week, while hanging out at Machine, I met some great girls that I thought i could start a simple friendship with. Turns out they just wanted to "tuck tail and hide under the covers". Not what I was looking for!

    Also, don't be creepy

    Posted by Deva Murphy June 19, 09 10:56 AM
  1. I grew up with brothers and all guys. I don't make friends with women who talk about weight, gossip, have to share every detail, etc. I agree with you, YUCK! However, there are lots of women who are interested in substance. I have great female friends who share my interests, and we can go without talking for weeks without recrimination. It is a bit curious why you don't have female friends, and you might find it fruitful to delve into that a bit.

    Your husband knew what you were like before getting married. So, I think he's buckling under peer pressure because his friends' wives/gfriends are complaining, or maybe he'd like his guy friends to be his friends in a way that's separate from you. It allows them to release some steam and have "guy"conversations they won't have around S.O.s.

    It's all about perception. Is it really that horrid to spend a few hours one or two times a month with them? Think of it as having to be at work in a meeting with people you don't like, but the perception is that you are a team player. That goes a long way.

    Posted by yupokay June 19, 09 11:00 AM
  1. I agree with Meredith's comments, but I have something to add.
    How were you treated by the women in your family versus by the men?
    I had a wonderful father, but my mother wasn't always caring and my older sister generally ignored me. I was conceived at the wrong time, when my father became very ill, and my mother was poor and had alot of responsibility. I'm sure that affected my mother and sister's attitudes, and my higher comfort with men. I also am a married female and tend to have some things in common with guys, particularly since I am in a technical field. I have some female friends. I have seen catty behavior from some other women, and jerky behavior from some men,

    Posted by egrd June 19, 09 11:01 AM
  1. I've known many women, including my wife, who feel like Glamgirl. Women who feel more comfortable around men simply don't want to deal with the baggage that glamgirl describes. Women, even friends, are frequently competitive, judgmental, petty and downright mean to one another. Additionally, women spend most of their time together, so I'm told, obsessing over their relationships and, if they have them, children. This can be uncomfortable for those who are single and/or childless.

    All of this is admittedly sexist, but that doesn't make it any less true. As my wife tells me, guys are simply much easier to get along with. She doesn't need to be the center of attention; just the opposite. Nevertheless, I think it is important for women to have female friends - something I tell my wife a lot - so long as they are not the all-too-common type Glamgirl has encountered. I think her bad experiences have closed her off to the fact that not all women are troublesome friends.

    I'll end by providing the other side of the equation. When guys hang out with one another, the presence of a woman can change the dynamic signficantly. The potential of the woman becoming "high maintenance" can make for some awkwardness when it's guy's night out. I encountered this when my wife, then girlfriend, first hung out with the boys. Everyone soon realized she was a "cool chick" and she now blends in seemlessly with my friends. I'm willing to bet Glamgirl is the same way.

    Hope this helps.

    Posted by Sean June 19, 09 11:06 AM
  1. I know several women who don't want other female friends. Mostly I noticed it is a competition thing. Let me guess, are you overweight? Do you feel ugly next to them? Are you jealous of them? Do you prefer the attention of men? Do you always need to be the center of attention. I suspect the problem is you, not the rest of the female race.

    Posted by YouKnowYourUgly June 19, 09 11:07 AM
  1. I think the issue is that she needs to find some *friends,* period. It can be draining to be your spouse's only support system (I know whereof I speak, BTW). You want to feel like they don't depend on you for their every emotional need. So she needs to find friends that she doesn't just go out with in groups to bars, but that she can actually connect with and talk to. I think it doesn't matter if they're men or women.

    I also think she's more likely to find such friends if she stops thinking of people as Men or Women and assuming that tells her everything she needs to know about them. I think a lot of women have learned to break the ice with other women by talking about stereotypically "girly" things, but that once you get past that you can find real depth. And, of course, there are plenty of women who have no interest whatsoever in talking about makeup, diets, etc.

    Posted by mightywombat June 19, 09 11:08 AM
  1. My guess is that Glamgirl is a lesbian who has not permitted herself to embrace her identity yet. This is not an unusual story. Happily, the ending is almost always joyful! Glamgirl feels that she does not fit in well with women because there are essential differences between her world view and theirs. She becomes frustrated with potential girl friends in ways that are evocative of the frustrations heterosexual women feel when men fail to meet their expecations. Some day, Glamgirl will meet the right woman. Then she will find that she has a supportive group of male friends, including her current husband, and one special woman love.

    Posted by actualfactual June 19, 09 11:09 AM
  1. Maybe she's just antisocial? I don't have lots of male friends (I am male) but I have a few very close guy friends that I hang out with a lot but I don't feel a need to have a lot of friends. In her case though she only mentions two long distance gal pals which almost doesn't count since you don't get to see them regularly. It's fine to be yourself but a lot of people will think oddly if you don't even have one BFF that you see regularly...

    Posted by techdood June 19, 09 11:11 AM
  1. Wow, this is me a few decades ago...minus the glam.
    I have over the years made friends with women with whom I have something in common; I have a close friend with whom I used to work and who now I accompany on long walks with her dog and a friend from adult education classes. It takes me a long time to develop a good friendship with a woman, at least several years. I am most close to my sisters and sils and also maintain contact with my cousins and a few "old friends."
    Meredith's advice is very good, I think, although I don't see you as the first case...the woman who has always been the center of attention. I am very much of the second case; I am more comfortable with men and I saw enough of the Quincy market scene before I married to have no interest in that type of "girls' night out."
    I am dying to read the advice from other commenters but I do have a few ideas that could help. One is to treasure the "old friends from back home." Stay in touch with them over the years even if the physical distance is great. I have an "former roommate and old friend" who I only see every few years. When she had young children I only saw her a few times. She and I have supported each other during the ups and downs of our parents' illnesses and deaths in a way that only two people who have known each other a long time can. We recently attended her daughter's wedding and she sent photos as soon as she became a grandmother.
    Also, Meredith's advice that you just haven't met the right women is on target. Keep trying.
    Most of my women friends and relatives have made their closest female friends through activities with their children, PTA, sports, Hebrew lessons, church school, etc. We don't have children but we are still in touch with wonderful neighbors from the many places we have lived.
    Some of my attempts at meeting women that have fizzled are gym classes and volunteering on committees.
    You mentioned that you like the wives of some of the couples with whom you and your husband socialize. One thing I have done that has been very successful is to invite just the wife to go out for a light dinner and a chick flic or to a lunch and an exhibit at a museum. In that way I've had a better chance of getting to know women who I would normally only see in a crowd.
    Sorry this is so long. I'm really glad you asked the question.
    Good luck.

    Posted by Paula T. June 19, 09 11:15 AM
  1. this isnt about love.... seems like the poster likes to be the only girl with a bunch of guys so that she can feel special. boring. lets have something juicy....

    Posted by just fell asleep June 19, 09 11:15 AM
  1. "Never trust the woman who dislikes other women; she's extrapolating from her own character."

    I can't remember where I read that, but I've always remembered it. I've met plenty of women who claim that men are just so much simpler, easier to be friends with, blahblahblah. They come across as insecure. There's a difference between naturally having a lot of male friends... or naturally being a loner... and actively pushing away female friendships because you think all women - except yourself, of course! - suck.

    On the flip side, I've met one or two guys who reject friendship with men, on the grounds of similarly sweeping stereotypes: that men are obnoxious, entitled, crude, etc. I've told them, if I can find men who aren't like that -- such as them -- then it stands to reason that not all men live up (down?) to the stereotypes. Those guys are just being lazy and insecure too.

    So LW, you're being lazy and not confronting something about yourself. Women come in an endless variety of emotional makeups, interests, and personalities, just like men. For a fun example, do you think Michelle Obama spends her time asking her female friends if she looks fat? Open your mind.

    (Although you should probably change your attitude BEFORE you go running out trying to find female friends. If I could tell you hated me before you even got to know me, I might start talking about shopping too.)

    Posted by Penelope June 19, 09 11:19 AM
  1. I feel really sorry for Glamgirl. She is missing out on one of the great joys of being a woman, our bond with other women. We can go for months (years in my case) and not be in touch and pick up exactly where we left off. A girlfriend will embrace you when no one else will. She will not ask questions when you don't want to talk. She will open her door to you and invite you in at 3:30 am, no questions, no judgments. She will celebrate with you, cry with you. I could go on and on. Of course not all women are alike as no one in any category are all a like. But a girl/woman BFF is a joy forever.

    Posted by Gwen June 19, 09 11:19 AM
  1. Admittedly, the 'do I look fat?' and 'getting mad if they don't call back' situations were common in many of my middle school and high school friendships...but most of us have moved beyond that. You're doing a disservice to yourself and your gender if you continue to write off half of the world's population based on some stereotypical characterizations. Change your attitude, then make an effort to get to know some wonderful women! You're not going to click with everyone (and yeah, girls' night out can be ABSOLUTELY PAINFUL with people you're not that into), but there are some amazing females out there.

    Posted by emmj June 19, 09 11:19 AM
  1. I used to be like that, I liked all the guys attention and thought other women were very petty - however I have found that it is simply a matter of finding the right, women to be friends with. You should give it a try and get yourself out there, it might not be the healthiest thing to have your husband and/or kids as the only thing in your life. You maybe find that you will enjoy women's company now more so as you have matured and the women you will be befreinding are more mature and hopefully less petty and superficial - maybe

    Posted by JW June 19, 09 11:22 AM
  1. This issue is definitely all yours, Glamgirl.

    1. Women say this in a feeble attempt to appeal to men. As in, "I agree with you, Bob, all women are b*****s!"

    2. I actually agree with Meredith... this is sexism, and her first statement regarding being the center of attention couldn't be more true. Some women just like and need to be the center of male attention, and will do anything to achieve that, either by slamming their own sex or denying the fact that good women exist.

    Someone I know makes it a point to say how she doesn't like purses or the color pink in her social networking profile, presumably to get the kind of reaction and attention Glamgirl seeks. Really? Is that how women are defined? By liking accessories, pink, or fixating on their weight? Please, join a book club. You're not empowering yourself or women as a whole by dissing us.

    Posted by A Woman With Plenty of Friends Both Male and Female June 19, 09 11:23 AM
  1. Right on Meredith. As a 40 YO + woman I don't know where i'd be without my girlriends. Not all women complain about weight or gossip... As I have told many of the men who have sent questions into this forum, there are plenty of good, no great women out there. They are not that hard to find either.
    Having women to share in the ups and downs of my life has been immeasurable. I am sorry to the people who think you can related to a man the same as a woman with regards to friendship. No way, we just relate differently. Sure men and women can be friends but lets be real here you can't spill you heart out to a "man friend" he'll just want to fix you when your "girl friend" will listen and give you a big hug afterwards.

    Posted by OldasDirt June 19, 09 11:29 AM
  1. I'm on glamgirl's side. I'm a guy. I'd much rather hang out with women than men. Would I rather sit at a bar with a bunch of women or talk sports with guys? Duh. Give me the skirts. I have about 3 guys friends, although I have lots of male acquaintances. I get along so much better with the wives of my friends. Is that an issue for my wife? of course not. She's kind of like glamgirl anyways. She's not into all the catty BS that women want to get into. I don't think her issue is an issue. Life is too short. If you don't like the "girls night out" crap, then eff it. Don't go. When asked to go out on a boys night with a bunch of people....I usually take a pass. No thanks. Have fun. Does that hurt me long term. Maybe, but I'm at peace with who I am and am not that concerned. Be true to yourself. Personally, I cannot stand phony people, and there lots of phonies in groups.

    Posted by BigDuke June 19, 09 11:29 AM
  1. how sad. my women friends keep me sane.

    Posted by linda June 19, 09 11:29 AM
  1. I think I totally know where you're coming from, Glamgirl, and there are some good solutions:
    1) Ignore your husband and do what makes you feel like you.
    2) Find an activity or sport that you enjoy and meet new people (guys and girls). This is the same advice that everyone always gives, but it really does work.
    3) Go out on double dates with some of those other couples (rather than the group thing). You might find that you really hit it off with the other women in a more 1:1 situation.
    4) Get in touch with your two closest friends back home and get them to come out for a weekend with you. Maybe they have connections in Boston who they can introduce you to, and you'll instantly have something in common.

    Posted by effy June 19, 09 11:35 AM
  1. Sometimes I think that I shouldn't comment because all I am doing is expanding on what Meredith said.

    As you might imagine with a name like Lain the Blunt, I'm not a gal who has time for the games you say that some women play. And some women-girls do. But many of us don’t.

    Once again, I agree with Meredith. You haven't found the right type of gal. And yes, you have to look and put yourself out there. All relationships, platonic and romantic, take work. Do you have any passions that naturally lend themselves to clubs (gardening, biking, reading, museums, favorite charity)? Isn't there a gal or two at work that you feel simpatico with?

    I also think Meredith is right is that you have grown a bit to accustomed to being “The GAL in a bunch of guys.” You’re special that way and a gang of guys hanging out doesn’t really ask a lot of you personally.

    I will tell you that the women I call friends vary widely in age and life condition. They are as much as 10 years younger and 15 years older. (I'm in my late 40s). I have only one close friend that is within two years of my own age. And as for going out as a group, I have one group of gals where we lunch together a couple times a year, but no “ladies night” out en masse.

    One gal pal I met at Karate. One I met on a Trash and Recycle committee. Many at my former jobs. Some through my kids. And none of these friendships happened overnight. All took lots of little but pleasant exchanges where we demonstrated to each other that we were interested in each other’s lives and well-being. And yeah, sometimes you think you’re going to have “gal pal romance” and it doesn’t quite happen. It is like dating. Learn and move on.

    And one more statement about how I agree with Meredith. You are missing out. Good women friends can help support you in times of troubles like few men could.

    And I love my women friends, Marci, Joan, Anita, Susan, Susan, Susan (yes I know a lot of Susans) Leka, Manimala, Lucia, Anne, Miss Theresa, Gail, and the dozens of friends who help me through the day, the week, and the month. Though good times and bad. They are so worth the effort.

    Posted by Lain the Blunt June 19, 09 11:35 AM
  1. I disagree with Meredith on this one. My girlfriend is pretty much like you, she just doesn't like the drama of girls. When you hang out with guys, it's at face value and they pretty much are what they are. Women, on the other hand, are often times harder to read. I think it's fine for the poster to want to stick to what she's comfortable with, though it's not bad to try to venture out a bit.

    Posted by dt June 19, 09 11:36 AM
  1. Meredith is correct in saying that not all women act as you have suggested. I’ve met some women in my life that feel the same as you. It’s sad since you’re pretty much saying you don’t see the good in your own gender! Some women are obsessed with weight or having the most hip designer bag, but most of the women I know find that annoying too. Men have imperfections but you’ve managed to find some good friends (and a husband)! You can’t pigeon hole an entire gender based on some flaws that you’ve noticed in some women.

    Is it possible that you enjoy being around men since they validate you in some way? The women I know that prefer to be around men often lacked a father figure in their life. Or they suffer from low self esteem and somehow equate the attention of men to feeling accepted or attractive. I hope neither is the case for you, but I’m wondering if there is more to this.

    Having good female friends in your life is a gift! I cannot imagine my life without the support, humor and compassion that come from my female friends!

    Posted by CF77 June 19, 09 11:38 AM
  1. How is it you haven't met any females with whom you share anything in common? Did you go to college? Do you work? Do you have any social outlets? Not every cache of females mirrors the cast of "He's Just Not That Into You." Where's your personality? How can you NOT have any type of outlet? I grew up with four brothers, had a very strong paternal influence in my life, went to college surrounded by men and work in a field dominated by men, yet I have a solid group of girlfriends who enjoy all of the same pastimes as I do without crying about our weight, lost youth, bad pedicures whatever.

    Posted by lwagz June 19, 09 11:40 AM
  1. I'm just like this too, except that I was lucky enough to meet a great girl who shares my interests and we can be normal people together.... We've since expanded our group and we have regular get-togethers.
    I never liked the stab in the back catty mentality of so many women (my old high school friends, that I met back up with a few years ago, apparently never left high school)

    Posted by Mary June 19, 09 11:43 AM
  1. Read between the lines, LW.

    1. Your husband is sick of hearing about your female problems, doesn't like to be dragged along shopping, hates romantic comedies, has zero interest in going to musicals/plays and wants some time to his own self to sit on the couch watching sports. Not to mention he's likely sick to death of going to out to "trendy" restaurants with tiny portions, weird entrees and high prices when he'd rather have a burger and a beer.

    or

    2. He wants to be able to write a letter to Penthouse Forum about the threesome with his wife and her girlfriend when he got back from that business trip.

    Either way, I'd suggest getting out and making some new friends. Your hubby is trying to be subtle.

    Posted by K June 19, 09 11:45 AM
  1. #26 is 100% right--a woman with no female friends is a loser. Usually self centered, and thinks she's better than she is or acts like it cause deep down inside it drives her nuts that no one likes her...

    GG is probably like Danielle from the Real Housewives of NJ!

    Posted by E June 19, 09 11:47 AM
  1. I have to disagree with Meredith here. I will not bulk myself with Glamgirl, but I am one of THOSE girls who tends to get along better with men. I've always been referred to as a "Guys Girl" since I can hang better with the guys, and it has absolutely nothing to do with wanting attention etc. A large part of it is due to my career, since I work in a pretty male dominant field. And as a few people have said, you tend to talk to people at work, go for drinks and dinner and they become friends. For me, they just happen to be male.

    Also, I've always had a very large passion for sports. Hockey, football and baseball mostly. You don't come across a lot of women who are true die hards, especially ones that don't buy the pink fan apparel! (YUCK!) I certainly have some great girlfriends who are not into sports at all, but they also are girlfriends who 'get' me and realize that I don't like to gossip or talk about shopping and fashion etc.

    I think in time, Glamgirl will find the right girls, she just needs to be a little more open and receptive to building and working on those friendships. Finding good girlfriends is like trying to find the perfect beer that becomes your go-to drink. You just keep trying them....

    Glamgirl, there is nothing wrong with you!!! Please don't listen to Meredith on this one!

    Posted by THAT Girl June 19, 09 11:49 AM
  1. I have to disagree with Meredith here. I will not bulk myself with Glamgirl, but I am one of THOSE girls who tends to get along better with men. I've always been referred to as a "Guys Girl" since I can hang better with the guys, and it has absolutely nothing to do with wanting attention etc. A large part of it is due to my career, since I work in a pretty male dominant field. And as a few people have said, you tend to talk to people at work, go for drinks and dinner and they become friends. For me, they just happen to be male.

    Also, I've always had a very large passion for sports. Hockey, football and baseball mostly. You don't come across a lot of women who are true die hards, especially ones that don't buy the pink fan apparel! (YUCK!) I certainly have some great girlfriends who are not into sports at all, but they also are girlfriends who 'get' me and realize that I don't like to gossip or talk about shopping and fashion etc.

    I think in time, Glamgirl will find the right girls, she just needs to be a little more open and receptive to building and working on those friendships. Finding good girlfriends is like trying to find the perfect beer that becomes your go-to drink. You just keep trying them....

    Glamgirl, there is nothing wrong with you!!! Please don't listen to Meredith on this one!

    Posted by THAT Girl June 19, 09 11:52 AM
  1. Why does there have to be something wrong with a woman who realizes that 99% of other womens' minds are occupied by the unimportant? The women in my family, social groups and office all stand around and talking about shoes, handbags, makeup and reality TV all freaking day long. Maybe the LW has interests in other things, like politics, or current events. I'm sure talk about the election in Iran doesn't exactly gain traction on Girls' Night Out.

    Her husband is a very lucky man!

    Posted by Schlippo June 19, 09 11:52 AM
  1. Ugh, you sound like a mess. I too despise the 'Sex and the City'/girly-girl culture, but you have taken your stereotypes and pre-conceived notions to a totally new, completely insane, level. If you have never in your whole life found any down-to-earth, low-maintenance females, you are either not trying at all, or are projecting so much angst and attitude that you are actually driving away the very women you'd like to befriend. I can see myself in much of your letter and frankly, even I don't want anything to do with you. You simply cannot expect to depend upon your husband for all your social needs for the rest of your life. For your sake and the sake of your marriage, fix yourself.

    Posted by Rae June 19, 09 11:54 AM
  1. I have 3 sisters and one close friend whom I can talk to when I need to talk about my feelings. Other than that, I prefer to hang out with the guys for the same reason that I often complain about them...they are uncomplicated, stoic and selfish. Spending time with men affords me a chance and excuse to behave accordingly and just have a good time, live in the moment and best of all, watch and talk about sports!

    Posted by ne93fs June 19, 09 11:58 AM
  1. This is one of the least surprising letters ever posted. I love women, but I find it nearly impossible to be friends with them. Even my "BFF" at work, who's a woman, I couldn't possibly hang out with outside the office because I see how gossipy she is with the other gals, and I just know that she's told others things about me that she was told in confidence (I've even tested her ... come to think of it, I should revisit that BFF title). Anyway, I totally understand you GG, because I know many other women (including my wife!) who feel exactly the same way. Maybe they should all get together and commiserate.

    It's bad to generalize, but women can indeed be very difficult to get along with. I just constantly see women being so awful to each other that I can't imagine how many of them have any friends, period. Dudes can be absolute jerks too, but at least they're jerks to your face and you know where you stand in most cases. Woman A can be Miss Sweetheart to your face and then dump all over you once you turn away. And GG is totally right: Who wants to talk to a group of women and share secrets when in the same conversation they're spilling someone else's secrets out in the open. That could be you the next time you're not there. Stick with the guys and tell your man that girls' night out is for the birds.

    Posted by The Dude June 19, 09 12:01 PM
  1. I get the vibe that hubby is feeling smothered with your well intentioned one-on-one time & he wants a break. Relax, this is normal. Realize relationships, marriages, all need outside friends & space to keep them fresh. Maybe he wants his boys back. It took me a while to find my girls: 3 of them have kids, I have no biokids. Another is still a huge party girl/girly girl, another is the girl everyone tries to avoid at work-but she’s pretty cool, once you get past the quirky. A few are single, a few are into way weird stuff than I, they are 10 yrs older or 10 yrs younger, and a few I only see at meetups/volunteer events. Disregard the stereotype that having girlfriends means a big group going to Vegas wearing pink & dancing on tables every weekend. Barf. 2 or 3 of you getting together at a time is fine- not everyone likes the same thing or can be available all the time. Not all chicks like watching the game, but they should be willing to work with that if it’s your turn to pick what to do. You do need to be willing to bend for them too though, and if they pick crazy girls night, comply. Its only one night. A new friend doesn’t mean hubby has to be joined at your hip all the time. You need time for you, and sure there will be times when the whole group gets together with their SOs. You may find that the whole group together doesn’t work, so then learn to pick & choose events, people. Live outside your comfort zone. I have the most fun doing things I wouldn’t normally do, because of the women I’ve allowed into my life. And my honey is happier because I have someone outside of us to talk to, experience new things with, etc.

    Posted by smellycat June 19, 09 12:04 PM
  1. Rico has been very busy this week so he is sorry for the delay but here is his enlightening advice/thoughts:

    Rico thinks you absolutely need to find female friends. How you do it is up to you but a good start might be to get to know these wives or girlfriends one on one. Then add another when you are more comfortable and ready to expand. Rico thinks maybe spending less time in the group of common friends could help so you aren't stuck in the same rut you have been stuck in now for a while. Rico also thinks taking a class or finding a new hobby might get you introduced to other females just like yourself. Do you like to bike? Run? Cook? Find something you like and find people with things in common and go from there. Rico did it and so can you.

    Rico has nothing else to add but wished everyone a wonderful weekend regardless of the weather. Rico is too busy to go further here so he regrets keeping this short. Maybe if Rico is free later he'll add, but for now this is a good start.

    Love always and have a great weekend,

    Rico

    Posted by Rico June 19, 09 12:04 PM
  1. Ask yourself this: If you met yourself somewhere, would you be friends with you?

    If you answer no, then obviously you are the problem!

    If you answer yes, then great - look for other women like you! You are unique, sure, but there are a lot of people in this world. You can't be so self-centered as to believe that you're so one-of-a-kind that you just can't relate to other women. There are plenty of women out there like you. You just aren't looking in the right places, or your mind is so closed to the possibility of female friendship (judging from your letter, this is most likely), that you reject it before it ever has a chance.

    Open your mind, and look for friendship in groups or places where you'll meet people with common interests and personalities. You can't count on your husband's friends' wives for this. That is a very passive approach to meeting people.

    Posted by open minded lady June 19, 09 12:06 PM
  1. Yeah, if you approach all women with such a narrow minded and judgmental point of view, then they will probably let you down because no one wants to feel so judged. However, if you treat women like PEOPLE and realize that they are all different, just as all the guys in your life are different, and open your mind a bit, you might just find a couple of close girlfriends you can hang out.

    Relationships with women are different and can be very rewarding if you find women who are like you -- wives and girlfriends of your husband's friends may not be your best option. I'm friendly with my husband's friends wives but they are not my best girlfriends, either. Are there situations you could meet women friends (work, yoga, whatever) that aren't your hubby's friends?

    I have to agree with the commenters who suggest that this is about you liking to be the Queen Bee among your guy friends. Get over it.

    Posted by move on June 19, 09 12:08 PM
  1. I've never had any girlfriends either, I can't stand the drama, I don't watch the TV shows and I certainly don't want to discuss my personal life in a group of people. I have a great social life with a mixed group, sometimes just the girls and its a good time.
    Girls are bitchy, having tried a few friendships and being horribly burned by all of them no thank you!
    Having friends outside your relationship makes sense, but they don't have to be girls to be 'normal'

    Posted by Fuzzymiss June 19, 09 12:09 PM
  1. I have a mix of male and female friends, all established separate from my significant other. At this point, there is some overlap as the years pass - some of my friends formed a friendship with him beyond my presence, based on shared hobbies, which I think is cool. I let them have that space and they do things without me sometimes. Regardless of gender, we are friends because we have something in common, share the same hobbies/interests and most of all, enjoy each others company. Your husband and sending you a signal to GET A LIFE so he can have his own beyond you. His friends are not your friends. You are the wife of *their* friend. You sound like a bore and a stereo typical female. Posting here wont help you, you're a social wet rag who is dependent on a husband for a social life.

    Posted by northshore June 19, 09 12:21 PM
  1. It's an issue of emotional maturity and confidence. I wonder how old GlamGirl is, because I've found it much easier to make new female friends as I've grown. For example, I have always had friendly female acquaintances, but I didn't form truly deep, meaningful friendships with other women until I went to college.

    GlamGirl, I'd recommend things similar to what other posters have said: check out www.meetup.com and find some female groups with common interests. Approach everything with an open mind and heart. And although it may sound trite, have confidence in yourself. When we enter social situations with a prejudice (i.e. "Oh, I NEVER get along with other women, so I don't expect to have a good time at this cocktail party..."), we only end up cheating ourselves, not only because we project negativity, but also because we're knocking people down before we have a chance to really get to know them.

    This became very apparent to me when I went to my first high school reunion and found that the dreaded "popular girls" were, in most cases, a lot nicer than I'd remembered them. I had a wonderful time chatting with women whom I'd found incredibly intimidating back in high school. Why? First of all, we'd all matured past our silly high schol prejudices (high school can be a scary place and people are generally not at their best during these years). But more importantly, I had to remember that these girls had never actually done anything cruel to me. All they had done was present themselves as prettier, flirtier, and sillier than me -- all things that I found incompatible with my self-image as an intelligent, independent, serious girl. In reality, though, it took some maturing on my part to realize that by not giving them a chance I had isolated myself from what could have been good friendships. Yes, some of those girls STILL WERE annoying and catty, but most of them weren't, at least in my eyes.

    Posted by Stephanie June 19, 09 12:21 PM
  1. Sorry Meredith, I have to completely disagree with you on this one - which is rare. And I think you (and many other posters) do the writer a disservice by playing armchair therapist on this. She didn't say she has *no* friends, she says she prefers the company of men, based on her experiences. Again, I say - based on her experiences, which is all anyone can expect of anybody.

    In truth, Meredith, you and many other posters come off as a little.. defensive. I was a little shocked at your response. Is there really a problem with with a woman who just doesn't get along as well with women platonically? To suggest that someone who has difficulty relating to women as the result of some psychological issues is a little out there. Might as well just check most straight males in the country into a therapy! LOL

    But seriously, it seems to me like folks are getting bent out of shape about a woman who just isn't into the whole 'sisterhood' thing. She doesn't relate. Does she have kids? Maybe if and when she becomes a mother, that will change.

    I, as a guy, get along better with women than men, always have. It's just the way my head works. And no, I'm not some serial dater who dates every woman I meet and making female friends is how I keep my dating pool fresh. My head just works on more of an emotional level than many of my male peers. I tend to hang more with women, and my friendships with them tend to be deeper than with men. I do have male friends, but when there is a 'guys night out', I really just don't know how to act.

    So I have to say I sympathize with the writer. If she *feels* like she's missing out on something, or if something is wrong or missing from her life, then by all means seek help, try new things, meet people, what have you. And if, for the sake of her husband, she wants to keep trying to find a female friend that she can connect with (since it seems so important to him for some unexplored reason) then go ahead and run with it.

    But if she is legitimately happy with her social situation, I don't see anything wrong with it at all. I mena, we all get along with the people we get along with. People can toss around all the psychological pondering they like, but after all is said and done it's personality, and it's preference.

    Ceej

    Posted by Ceej June 19, 09 12:30 PM
  1. Ok, I have a few thoughts here. I am a 25 year old woman. I am an only child-- thats right...no brothers or SISTERS. I have always had more guy friends than girl friends in my life. I have to say though, I have a handful of really great friends, that I know I will have forever, and I don't know what I would do without them. More specifically, they are not a "group" of girl friends. I met them all seperately, at different points in my life. My friend Susie is my friend who is the MOST like me. We literally have everything in common. Mr friend Regis is basicall my polar opposite; we have very little in common. Nonetheless, I wouldn't be the same person I am today if I didn't have both of these female friends in my life-- or any other female friends for that matter. It is important to have at least some close female friends. I don't have a ton, but I don't need to. That's not what it's about. I do, however, have a ton of male friends and that is fine too. I don't ever need to be the center of attention, and I don't ever like to be.

    I think it's great that you get along so well with guys-- most girls do. But, you are missing out big time by not having those close female friends that will always be there.

    Posted by Kristen June 19, 09 12:32 PM
  1. Many of the respondents here are only reinforcing the reasons why glamgirl isn't interested in female friendship. Responding with catty, condescending vitriol instead of just saying, "yes, some women have this problem of socializing like they're still in junior high, but not all women. Keep looking and you'll find a few who you click with".

    You're all taking the bait and it's backfiring.

    Posted by GottaBeSmarterThanThat June 19, 09 12:33 PM
  1. Reason why it's easier for you to be friends with guys instead of girls: Girls like to have deep meaningful friendships. A deep meaningful emotional bond forms, the kind that can only exist between two women as friends. It's love, it's having friends that seem like they're your sisters, even if you never had any blood sisters.
    Guys don't like to talk about their feelings or how things make them feel. Guys aren't looking for a deep meaningful friendship with women. They're going to save that for their girlfriend.

    So, it's not superficial reasons you list that make you uncomfortable around women. It's the deeper emotional reasons. You don't want to reveal your flaws. You don't want to admit that no one is perfect, not even you, and talk and laugh about those imperfections with your friends. You're insecure. In short, you don't like sharing your true self with people. You like to keep your vulnerability private.
    What you don't realize is that by sharing your vulnerability and imperfections with others makes you more confident. It makes you realize no one is perfect, so it's okay that you're not. Your female friends will say "It doesn't matter that you have bad skin/muffintop/that bad haircut that one time/you snore/you're clumsy sometimes. You're fabulous person, and I love you for it." And that does wonders for your self-esteem.
    That kind of openess and honesty with others might scare you. That's okay, but you need to get over it. Especially fi you're married.

    Don't for one second think that the guys you hang out with act the exact same way when you're not there. Guys edit their behavior for the woman in the room, unless they've been friends since they were 5 or something. Those guys are giving you special attention, wether you realize it or not.

    Posted by OneoftheGirls June 19, 09 12:41 PM
  1. Glamgirl sounds like she just hasn't met any women she clicks with in a while, I don't see why so many of you are ragging on her for that. Not everyone makes friends as easily as society tells us we're supposed to, we can't all have a horde of girlfriends to giggle and gossip with. Some of us have only a few friends and are well-adjusted enough thankyouverymuch. And some of us just happen to have more in common with the men we meet than the women. I'm in a female-dominated profession so my friends now are largely women, but growing up my friends were mostly guys. That's just how it works.

    Posted by Jeanne June 19, 09 12:44 PM
  1. I used to be like this and I realize it was, as you said, a desire on some subconscious level, to be the center of attention. My closest friendships were with guys and when you asked me who my closest friends were, it would be ex-boyfriends who had become good friends.

    When I got married, the guy friends started dropping off the face of the earth and I realized I needed to cultivate some female friendships, and I have - and it doesn't involve shopping or "ladies night out" - it does involve discussions of weight or husbands sometimes, but it's motivational and cathartic, not catty. I had a very painful realization of what I had missed out on most of my life.

    You sound newly married. Believe me, their is a weird code among men. These guys will still love you, but they won't be part of your life the same way.

    Posted by ml2620 June 19, 09 12:48 PM
  1. Mere is wrong on this one. I also dont like hangin with women. However Mere is right about finding women on your level. I like to hang out at sports bars, chill and play cards, and go to games. I have afew "Girlie" friends. But not many. Tell your husband to relax and that its just not your thing. Maybe you might meet a co-worker or a gal in the store or bar that is cool enough to kick it with. You dont have to have a girls night out and be uncomfortable just to please your hubby. Im sure he knew you were like this before hand, so why change now. Also he might be feeling a little uncomfortable with you being around "HIS" male friends so much. So just step back and let them have a few guys nights without you.

    Posted by LilShorty98 June 19, 09 12:50 PM
  1. "I should add that I am not still close with many of my childhood friends." That statement implies that you don't have friends, no?! Does your husband encourage you to make girlfriends because you don't have friends and rely on him and his friends for a social life? The next time that you're with his friends and their wives, you could make an effort to spend more time with their wives/gfs and perhaps set up a night to go out to dinner or something. It's very important to have female friends because you need someone to turn to for advice when you're having problems that you can't discuss w/ your husband. Women definitely provide a different point of view that you may find helpful. I've always believed that your true friends will be there for you no matter what, which is great when you're going through difficult times. If you and your husband were to have problems in your marriage, who would you turn to for advice?! Marriage takes some work and it's great to be able to go out with friends and vent about things that you wouldn't say to your husband. Btw, I agree with one of the other readers that you should see a therapist. He or she will try to help you understand why you haven't been able to retain girlfriends.

    Posted by Lucy June 19, 09 12:56 PM
  1. I think it's important to understand that potential friendships go through that superficial level in that although you like the person they start out somewhat awkward but you have to keep at it and work through that and get to know the person on a deeper level and then you find that they do or do not have the qualities you look for but you can't base that on an entire gender maybe you've just met the wrong women each sex has traits that the other sex doesn't have that make them more interesting or easier to talk to but just try to keep yourself open...

    Posted by Chris June 19, 09 12:59 PM
  1. Speaking as a twentysomething woman with few female friends and plenty of male friends, I think Meredith is a bit off track in her first response because it can often be a result of the opposite situation. In my case, it's from taking classes with mostly men, and working in a male-dominated field (IT).

    Social situations with this crowd tend to involve obscure beers and Star Wars trivia. As you might imagine, there aren't a lot of date offers. It's not about being the center of all the male attention; instead, it's about spending time with people who share your interests and sense of humor. If your interests go against gender norms, you're going to relate to opposite-sex friends more easily.

    LW, it's still nice to have a confidante IMHO, because odds are that your guy friends don't want to talk much about your personal life. But it sounds like your husband is pushing for you to make female friends for his own reasons, and that's really the issue.

    Posted by just throwing this out there June 19, 09 01:03 PM
  1. The most vicious comments on here have been posted by women (or posters with women's names). You are proving the LW's point. Right after you've described your strong, supportive group of girlfriends, you're snap-judging and saying there's something wrong with her.

    Some girls are just different--don't take it so personally. Guys' girls aren't a threat to your social group unless your friends really are of the catty type and girls like LW force you to confront the hypocrisy.

    Posted by just throwing this out there June 19, 09 01:25 PM
  1. I don't think that you are the problem, have issues, etc. It is simply a matter of individual comfort level, and different individuals will be comfortable around different types of people (including different genders). With that said, I would agree that you may over time find yourself happier if you can open yourself to the possibility of friendships with other women. As I was once told: "If you want to make a friend, close your eyes." You don't have to like everything about someone, but if you can find some common connection, you may find it very rewarding in the long run. It sounds like you have a low tolerance for the high-drama type, so perhaps simply stay clear of women of that type.

    Posted by Terminater5 June 19, 09 01:30 PM
  1. #62, I totally agree with you when you point out that: They are simplifying their own gender, but think that they themselves are somehow "different" and "special".

    C'mon women...what's with the attitude that if you look really, really hard you can unearth the rare gem of a female friend who isn't into clothes, gossip, drama and pedicures? That somehow, down to earth women who are intelligent, compassionate, and not vapid bitches are exceptions to the norm? If that's the way you view women in general, I would never want to be in your head. What a lousy, degrading way to look at our gender. Perhaps it's because I've met most of my friends through work, or service organizations tied to my children's school and my community, but the vast majority of women I know are bright, educated, thoughtful, compassionate, generous, hard working people. Do we sometimes celebrate a birthday with a pedicure? Sure - it's relaxing. Do we get together at someone's house or a restaurant for dinner and lots of wine and conversation? Of couse! Do we sometimes unwind with a "chick flick" or admire when someone scores a beautiful new handbag for a great price? Sure. But we're also there when someone's spouse, or parent, or child is very sick (or dies). When someone loses a job...when someone is battling cancer...when someone needs a baby-sitter, or a shoulder to cry on, or a good attorney...when someone is raising money for a cause they believe in, or wants a jogging buddy in the morning, or falls off the wagon and needs an intervention.

    Perhaps many of the anti-female respondents are very young and haven't had the chance to get out into the working world and leave some of the drama of HS and college behind, but you will find out soon enough that life can really, really suck and your girlfriends can be there for you (and you for them) in ways that your family and guy friends just can't.

    Posted by Jen June 19, 09 01:39 PM
  1. Its ok to judge somebody who is making broad sweeping generalizations. In fact, you should judge somebody who is sexist, racist, or any other ist. So yes 'just throwing this out there' I am a woman and I have judged LW to be sexist and somebody who needs to improve herself before anybody would be friends with her.

    Posted by justthrowingthisback June 19, 09 01:42 PM
  1. I'm surprised that no one has brought up the fact that she says her husband is the one pressuring her to "make some girlfriends". Isn't anyone wondering why her husband wants her to?? A couple people have wrote that their wives are like this and they don't mind but obviously this husband does. I'm curious why??

    Posted by bgcomreader June 19, 09 01:43 PM
  1. This is definitely a woman's poll. Look at all the mean, DRAMATIC, and narrow-minded comments... and we're the insightful, mature and sensitive gender? Right... Glam-forget it. You have two girlfriends back at home who have always been there. Men are easier to deal with ( that's debateable at points) simply because they tend not to be so effin' emotionally charged at any given time. Gender aside, true people in your life is a blessing, period. You don't need any amount of girlfriends to define your worth as a female. It sounds like your husband wants you to find girlfriends because you can't always be with him and his friends, or maybe he just feels it's odd you don't care for chicks, and he's going to specify "girlfriends" because you're married and shouldn't be getting new "guy friends" anyways. Whatever his issue it- be comfortable with you and the people already in you life. Just find time for you. While you take on new activities, these activities may bring females into your life that you get along with, just go with it. Don't ever assume that they'll be "that chick". You don't need a therapist. Reading this page you're probably justified in how you view woman! Honestly, you have some dumb comments here. Just live. Be you.

    Posted by Angela June 19, 09 01:44 PM
  1. #112-- awesome observation! you're totally right about that...

    Posted by Wizzle June 19, 09 01:47 PM
  1. Just throwing this out there... You Are Exactly Right. Glam- you can stop reading now!

    Posted by Angela June 19, 09 01:52 PM
  1. I usually agree with Meredith but in this case I don't think it's fair to suggest Glamgirl has or is a "problem." Just the fact that Glamgirl submitted this letter because indicates to me that she is deeply concerned and has enough self awareness to have taken a long hard look at herself and how she participates in female friendships.

    Maybe Glamgirl has had some bad experiences with female friendships in the past, particularly growing up. I had some particularly bad experiences in middle school and high school with backstabbing, rumors, criticism, etc. This type of behavior was obviously very hurtful and probably messed with my head as it all happened during the sensitive early teen years. I also grew up with only a brother and no sisters or other female family members close to my age, so I think I just learned how to be comfortable around guys and appreciate their straightforwardness and lack of drama. Maybe I just never learned how to trust other females completely.

    I also find that there's a certain "pack mentality" that women can fall into when they're gathered together, and this atmosphere can be a breeding ground for complaining, negativity, contempt, and criticism of other "friends" who aren't present at the time. Obviously not all female groups act this way, but I find that more often than not, they do. I have a level head on my shoulders and have been told I'm diplomatic and fair to a fault, so I'm naturally turned off by this type of behavior. It leaves a bad taste in my mouth and makes me wary of opening myself up to new female friends.

    That being said, I definitely have a few wonderful female friends who are supportive, loyal, and kind, but the majority of female friendships I've experienced in my lifetime haven't been all that rewarding or genuine. So best of luck to you, Glamgirl, in finding some good female friends. When you find a good female friend, it's the best thing in the world! I'm still on the hunt myself.

    Posted by Moxie Hart June 19, 09 01:52 PM
  1. I usually agree with Meredith but in this case I don't think it's fair to suggest Glamgirl has or is a "problem." Just the fact that Glamgirl submitted this letter because indicates to me that she is deeply concerned and has enough self awareness to have taken a long hard look at herself and how she participates in female friendships.

    Maybe Glamgirl has had some bad experiences with female friendships in the past, particularly growing up. I had some particularly bad experiences in middle school and high school with backstabbing, rumors, criticism, etc. This type of behavior was obviously very hurtful and probably messed with my head as it all happened during the sensitive early teen years. I also grew up with only a brother and no sisters or other female family members close to my age, so I think I just learned how to be comfortable around guys and appreciate their straightforwardness and lack of drama. Maybe I just never learned how to trust other females completely.

    I also find that there's a certain "pack mentality" that women can fall into when they're gathered together, and this atmosphere can be a breeding ground for complaining, negativity, contempt, and criticism of other "friends" who aren't present at the time. Obviously not all female groups act this way, but I find that more often than not, they do. I have a level head on my shoulders and have been told I'm diplomatic and fair to a fault, so I'm naturally turned off by this type of behavior. It leaves a bad taste in my mouth and makes me wary of opening myself up to new female friends.

    That being said, I definitely have a few wonderful female friends who are supportive, loyal, and kind, but the majority of female friendships I've experienced in my lifetime haven't been all that rewarding or genuine. So best of luck to you, Glamgirl, in finding some good female friends. When you find a good female friend, it's the best thing in the world! I'm still on the hunt myself.

    Posted by Moxie Hart June 19, 09 01:54 PM
  1. I can kind of relate because while I have many good female friends, I've struggled too with establishing "best friend" relationships. When I was a kid, I gravitated more towards being a tom boy and getting along better with boys. However, I agree with Meredith though that you're making a lot of assumptions that women friends only want to talk about weight. Last time I had a sit down conversation with my friend we talked about her struggle with feeling one way about her religion and disappointing her parent's view. Hardly a "do I look fat" conversation. With other friends, we talk about our jobs, work/life balance, our family, etc. I find that friendships form naturally from our interests and where you spend the most time. For me, I met most of my adult friends through my dance studio and from my jobs because of the sheer time and joint passions we all had in common. And now, as a mom where my life revolves around my son, my new friends are fellow moms that have kids that are friends with my son. They may not be the people I call in the middle of the night because I'm stressed out, but they are people I could invite to an event, go to a movie with or sit on a park bench relaxing and talking. I do think though that if you're ok with how your social life is, then that's fine and your husband should be accepting of that. Not everyone needs to be buddied up all the time. I know for me..I'm more of a loner type, and that's ok with me, I reach out when I need to or want to. So, if you're ok with how things are, then don't feel you HAVE to go out and have a girl's night out. Curious why your husband is putting pressure on you since you were obviously this type of person when he met and dated you (another example of not expecting peple to change after marriage!). If he wants to go out with his buddies while you sit home and watch Law & Order, then both of you should respect each other social preferences. Or, is it that he doesn't want you hanging out with your friends that are guys...you didn't really mention that though.

    Posted by bklynmom June 19, 09 01:57 PM
  1. The female relationships you describe are acquaintances and not true friendships. Friendships are those people with whom you can confide anything, laugh, cry, listen to what's on their minds, and have fun with. Too bad you can't have fun with anybody but men. You've eliminated 50% of the population but I suspect there is something else going on with you.
    You have no value for women in your life and see them as weak and useless to you. Perhaps you only find men interesting because they can give you their undivided attention. Perhaps you feel more comfortable with men friends because they can adore you from afar but know they can't "have" you. You appear strong to them, no none sense, but underneath it all, your self-image and sense of importance can only be validated by a man. Being a woman means appear weak to you. How sad.
    My women friends are my sisters that God gave me after I grew up. They are my heart and I can't imagine my life without them. We are there for one another in good times and bad, heartbreaks, family deaths, relationship issues, birth family issues, all of it. We never talk about fashion, make up or any of the things you outlined. We talk about our hearts, dreams, and hopes. That's what true friends are and I hope that over the course of your lifetime that you get to the point where you realize this and can open yourself to creating rich, loving and rewarding relationships with women.

    Posted by exvermonter June 19, 09 02:03 PM
  1. If platonic relationships don't click after a while or just don't feel good, they're not worth pursuing. Life is too short to worry about society's superficial demands of what you're supposed to be as a productive, functional member of our society. They are mostly myths and ill-thought out ploys to facilitate shallow, insecure ego strokes.

    Hang out with PEOPLE you get along with and are comfortable with as individuals for the individual qualities you share or enjoy, regardless of gender, race, sexual orientation, etc.

    Blind, bland conformity for the sake of "fitting in" and people who speak of what you're "supposed to do/be" are boring, uninteresting and ultimately a waste of time.

    This is an issue between you and your husband. There is a reason why he wants you to find more female friends. Have an honest talk with him, and be willing to perhaps hear a few things you don't want to hear. If he just wants you to have more female friends because it reflects better on him, than it doesn't deserve a second thought. But if he doesn't want to hear your girl talk that he feels should be reserved for your girl friends, he may have a point. If you're comfortable with your personal life and relationships, he's going to need to make a pretty strong case to ask you to change, but IMO it's justified if your lack of female friends is having a negative effect (for whatever reason) on his personal/social life. Good luck.

    Posted by Freddy June 19, 09 02:07 PM
  1. I am a woman who hates the pack mentality too - I have friends or relatives who travel in packs and anytime I'm invited to something where 10 other people will be, I don't want to go. Of course, sometimes you have to and sometimes I have a good time, but I'd prefer to relate to my friends one-on-one. (And of course, going to these kinds of events - whether they're parties or girls night out - is often how you meet other people that will become your friends.)

    I don't like hanging out with groups of people but still have a few close friends. My dad always said if you have one good friend or a few good friends that you can count on one hand, then you're doing ok. It's hard for women to make friends. Don't know why, but someone did acknowledge that women are more catty than men and women get upset if you don't return their calls quick enough.

    Another person said that men compartmentalize their friends and one woman said she does the same - I do also. None of my women friends necessarily knows each other (and I can't imagine if they'd even have any common interests if they ever met), but I have different friends for different purposes and it works.

    Good luck to you - there is nothing wrong with you, so don't let any of these posters tell you there is.
    AgainstPackMentality

    Posted by AgainstPackMentality June 19, 09 02:07 PM
  1. No one is being vicious to her (any more than her writing off all women!!!) -- you can easily see the difference between what younger women have posted vs. older women's thoughts/experiences. Maybe glamgirl will have a different point of view in ten years time. Until then... hey, no probs with her choices. Both are choices: having women friends and having men friends (a mix of both would be nice too :) lol....

    Posted by chins June 19, 09 02:12 PM
  1. Get over yourself, GlamGirl (your name says it all). You sound like a trainwreck. You are merely looking for validation from all the male posters, that’s it.

    Poster #25, beentheredonethat, is spot on. Couldn’t have said it better myself.

    Kudos to your husband for putting up with you and your “issues.” Your post exhausted me. I can’t imagine how exhausting it would be to be married to you. I would have kicked you to the curb a long time ago, after butt shows and grilled cheeses with your two friends back home, of course.

    Posted by Gimme a Break June 19, 09 02:18 PM
  1. You sound very SHALLOW & JUDGMENTAL - perhaps from HANGING OUT WITH MEN SO MUCH you actually believe all the LABELS guys TEASINGLY put ON WOMEN - CAUSE MEN ARE CLUELESS YOU FOOL. MEN LOVE TO RAG ON EACH OTHER & ACT TOTALLY DIFFERENT WHEN A WOMAN IS AROUND UNLESS YOU TALK LIKE A TRUCKDRIVER. WOMEN CAN RELATE TO OTHER WOMEN - JUST AS MEN RELATE TO OTHER MEN, FOR INSTANCE GUYS TALKING ABOUT "BOXING" and WOMEN TALKING ABOUT "LIFETIME CHANNEL MOVIES" and both sexes talk about sports. When you talk about PERIODs and go thru the CHANGE OF LIFE - GOOD LUCK TALKING TO GUYS ON THAT ONE.

    Posted by Been around June 19, 09 02:21 PM
  1. Good advice Meredith. I can relate to the writer a bit because I went a long time where I wasn't comfortable with female friends, largely because of some bad experiences back in junior high and high school. That changed in the past few years (late twenties to early thirties) and I am really glad. My woman friends aren't big on discussing their weight, telling secrets, or getting mad. They are interesting, kind adults and I am very glad to have them in my life. I still don't have as many of them as I would like, and I am still not usually comfortable in groups of women, though I am jealous of the Sex and the City ladies (yes I know they are fictional) for their close group. Be more open minded. Try meeting other women and seeing the women you know in other settings.

    Posted by L June 19, 09 02:24 PM
  1. It's all about attitude. I, too, very much dislike the idea of "ladies night"--I do not feel like sitting around cheers-ing with glasses of chardonnay. But you know what? Last week I did just that. I was asked to go out with some co-workers and I was in a good mood and went. Surprisingly, it was fun! If you don't go into things assuming you'll hate them, then you probably won't. Just try to change your assumption that "girl" things are so cringe-worthy.

    Posted by gigi June 19, 09 02:25 PM
  1. Interesting Sociological study here anyhow. It seems most of the people piling the "hate" onto GG here are Women. Although I have lived in NE all my life, the one thing I hate about this region is that so many women are Liberal-Leftist Quasi-Socialists. And the responses prove it by saying that something is wrong with GG for not wanting to be part of some "pack", essentially saying "you are not a normal, if you are not one of us"; what a pathetic herd mentality, something I would expect out of insects (not humans). Where is my rant going? Most of the Women I know like GG are the opposite, they are often stern "independent thinkers" if not downright "Conservative Idealists". Good for you GG! Hillary was wrong; it does NOT "take a village to raise a child", it only takes ONE Smart Confident Woman.

    Posted by DudeGuyKidDudeGuy666 June 19, 09 02:28 PM
  1. The fact that the LW is still referring to men as guys, and women as girls, shows one thing: very, very young. Just wait.

    Illness, aging parents, aging yourself, childbirth, childrearing, etc. Trust me --you will regret the absence of solid women in your life.

    Posted by lisalisa June 19, 09 02:29 PM
  1. #69 that was my initial suspicion too!

    Posted by trueluv4eva June 19, 09 02:30 PM
  1. For those of you ragging on Meredith for giving poor adivice: calm down! Meredith has two theories EITHER the problem is you(glamgirl) or it is cicumstantial. Meredith is completely correct in suggesting this; even some women who commented on here admit that they were like GlamGirl and the problem was within themselves. Now to the LW: there is nothing wrong with a girl who happens to have more guy friends than girls however when you make statements like "having a girl friend is like having a 'girlfriend'...they want you to share your secrets to them while they are telling you someone else’s" women aren't going to want to be your friend. It seems like you're making judgements about women before you even really get to know them; maybe you should throw your stereotypes away and start fresh. I think it would be better for you and you could build great friendships; really all you need is one GOOD friend to be happy. But from your letter I don't think that's what you want, you ask "Do I have to hang out with girls?" I don't think you wanted a reason for why you don't have female friends but approval that it is okay to not have any, and as long as you're happy, it is okay. But your husband seems to think you should have female friends; maybe it's because he wants to hang out with just the guys or because he think it's normal or because he thinks it would be good for you or maybe some other reason (I don't know since he's not the writer). Maybe you should talk to him about WHY he thinks you need it, if it's solely because he thinks you'd be better off and it doesn't really matter to him if you make any or not then there was no need to write the letter and you can just go hanging with the guys.

    Just a note; I would never want to date someone who only has friends from one gender by choice. It just seems like you don't know how to play well with others. If it's just because you encounter horrible people from one gender I wouldn't mind at all.

    Posted by taylor June 19, 09 02:35 PM
  1. If you also have found in your life that you don't have many female friends, and you're totally fine with that, and your husband isn't pressuring you to hang out with other women, and you haven't written a letter into an advice column asking for counsel... then maybe you should stop taking the comments here so personally!

    As 'justthrowingthisback' said, the LW is being judgmental, dismissive, and yes, sexist. Which is why some of the comments have been accusing her of being judgmental, dismissive, and sexist.

    There's a huge difference between saying:

    I have more male friends than female, generally because of my interests and pastimes, not because I hate women.

    and:

    I have more male friends than female, because all women do is backstab and talk about how fat they are.

    If you fall into the former category, no one on this board is accusing you of anything! Because you didn't write in! So relax!

    And if you fall into the latter category, yes. the problem is you.

    For what it's worth, and I can't believe I have to point this out -- you can't always take men at face value, they're not always straightforward and drama-free, and plenty of my male friends have been "catty", "vicious," emotional, and backstabbing, to women, to other guys, whatever. We're all human, and there's plenty of room on this-here spectrum of human behavior.

    To those of you who had crummy experiences with girl bullies in middle school, I'm with you, I did too. I also had crummy experiences with boy bullies. It all sucked! But I didn't let it stop me from trying to make friends with either boys or girls.

    Posted by penelope June 19, 09 02:36 PM
  1. There is simply no good reason to dismiss 50% of the world's population as friendship material because of some crackpot stereotypes. How can anyone defend that point of view? How can anyone possibly make the argument that every single member of an entire race of people is exactly the same with a straight face? Would anyone be sympathetic if this letter were about gays or blacks?

    The world is filled with wonderful people, both men and women, who, while not perfect and certainly not exactly like you, can enrich your life immensely if you would only let them. Yes, some of them like to shop (oh no!) and some like to drink Arbor Mist while watching The Hills (gasp!) and some wear pink Red Sox hats (good heavens!). Does that really mean you cannot possibly find any common ground with them? Does it mean they have absolutely nothing else to offer simply because they are not exactly like you?

    You will probably always be a woman who simply relates more to men and has more male friends than female – and there’s nothing wrong with that! That, in itself is, not the problem. The problem is your childishly ignorant attitude towards your own sex. Get over it. Start by wiping the slate clean and really making an effort with the wives/girlfriends of your husband’s friends. They may not become your bosom friends, but seriously, you need practice getting along with other people and approaching everyone, not just guys, with an open mind. Keep in mind also that you are never going to get to know someone in a group setting, and that people can come off totally differently in a group as opposed to one-on-one. So make an effort to get some one-on-one time with other women. Ask a co-worker if she wants to grab a bite with you at lunch or a drink after work. Just do something and get some practice in, because you’re going to need it after a lifetime of narrow, lazy thinking.

    Posted by Rae June 19, 09 02:40 PM
  1. Girls night out is a right of passage for the husband. I look forward to my wife having a girls night out as this is the only time i ever get the house to myself. I even encourage additional outings.... I think your husband is trying to tell you something.

    Posted by take a night off June 19, 09 02:44 PM
  1. Everyone's life experiences are different, and I'm sure Glamgirl would love to find some female companions that she genuinely liked, and unfortunately for her, she hasn't yet. I don't know her indepth reasons, other than she doesn't like the typical girls night out, and doesn't seem to like her husband's friends' wives, but I am someone who has a hard time finding good girl friends too. I'm not at all stuck up, I'm very laid back and down to earth, and I really look for quality over quantity. A good friend to me has to have all the same values and characteritics that a good significant other would. I don't put up with cheating, backstabbing, spilling secrets,
    not being there when you need them etc. So why should I put up with that in a friendship? I don't, and I'm very proud of the friends that I do have because they are the most wonderful, loyal people. A few more would always be nice, but I'm so grateful to have met the ones I have.


    Posted by NJ June 19, 09 02:46 PM
  1. "Glamgirl"... really? I won't pretend to know everything about you from your letter and moniker, but I'm getting the impression that you've got a good-sized superiority complex going on. I don't think there's anything wrong with anyone saying that they just "get" guys, but it doesn't sound like that's the point here. I think the problem is that you gave up on giving girls a chance, and I wouldn't be surprised if you're driving possible girlfriends away with this "girls are silly and not worth my time" attitude.

    I think my close girlfriends and I are a fairly down to earth bunch - we usually have better stuff to talk about than shoes (though I do like my shoes), and we're capable of loyalty and avoiding the gossipy backstabbing jealous "who likes who best" thing. Frankly, we all should have left that back in high school. I don't like those silly chicks who fit your stereotype either, but you know who else I tend to avoid? Girls who blab about how they don't get girls, period, because of all the "reasons" you listed, and would rather hang out with guys. It's insulting, it usually comes across as very self-congratulatory and superior, and I'd rather make friends with someone who hasn't already decided that I must be an airheaded drama queen.

    Posted by Liz June 19, 09 02:53 PM
  1. Try meetup.com and look up groups with YOUR interests. There are bound to be women you have lots in common with you can get to know and become friends with via that site.

    I have a nice group of women friends but I feel your pain. The women you describe all sound like women I work with. Sometimes I put my iPod on to drown out their chatter.


    Posted by Amazingabbey June 19, 09 03:14 PM
  1. #116 , I brought that up too. Surprised so many people haven't questioned why the husband is pressuring her to find some GF's. I can only guess that she is either too clingy with him or he is getting uncomfortable with the fact that she is enjoying the company of other men a little too much.
    Hmmmm.

    Posted by DrK June 19, 09 03:15 PM
  1. LW, I'd disregard the vast majority of these comments. The jury has been tampered with and evidence tainted before your advice "trial" began. Meredith pretty much called YOU the problem and didn't allow any room for objectivity (or what passes for that here). And the rabid ate it up and are spewing it out along with the usual misogynistic drivel.

    Meredith, you usually default on the side of kind-heartedness and I am very disappointed in you for tossing a match on gasoline. That's all...just bummed out you did that.

    Posted by yupokay June 19, 09 03:19 PM
  1. In my experience, any girl who thinks that they are a "guys girl" is never really a "guys girl", they just think it makes them seem more chill than "girly girls".

    I have met so many girls in my lifetime who truly think that they just fit right in with the guys and would rather be around them, and these girls are always the ones that the guys cannot stand. They won't leave, they think they should always be there when the guys are watching a game.

    There is no need to classify yourself as a "guys girl" or a "girls girl", your friends are your friends, no matter what gender. Some guys can be really catty too, some much more catty than girls. It seems that by writing this, you are actually also being extremely catty about women, must be because you are a women right?

    Good luck with all of those "guy friends" when you come across a real problem, I am sure they would totally skip the game to sit and talk with you about a serious problem in your life. Actually, no they won't.

    Posted by Bi-Sexual Friender June 19, 09 03:51 PM
  1. I'd say your husband is sending you a message (in the kindest way he can) that he'd like you to make friends, so you're not constantly out with him and his friends. No matter how much you love your spouse, it can be nice to have some time away from them. Maybe his friends have mentioned to him that they'd like to do things sometimes with just him. You should ask him if this has come up. As others have said maybe their g/f's don't like you being the lone female on all their guys nights out. Why don't you get involved in a hobby that gets you out of the house on your own (and maybe you can met some new friends that you have stuff in common with)? That lets your husband do his own thing some of the time and hopefully you have a fledgling circle of friends of your own, double bonus score.

    Posted by sundiego June 19, 09 04:38 PM
  1. Lots of gratuitous slams against this LW - how nice that people can make a whole raft of assumptions about her based on her preference for male friends.

    I'm very similar to the LW, and have NOT spent my entire life in a relationship. I do NOT need to be in a relationship to be comfortable. I am NOT 'high maintenance', I am NOT looking for male friendships out of some attempt to stir up some sort of sexual liaison, or to be the center of attention. As a matter of fact, I don't LOOK FOR male friends at all. It just seems that I end up having many more longstanding friendships with men than I do with women. I do have some very good female friends, but it took many, many years to feel comfortable with them. Unfortunately, I live a couple of hours away from them, so don't see them often.

    But the fact is that I grew up in a neighborhood dominated by boys. I was athletic, and was very comfortable in the company of boys. In college, I had no close, long term girlfriends - I had friends who were women, but never really felt close to them. The people that I trusted happened to be men - I understood them, I was comfortable with them, and they accepted me completely. Much of my adult life has been spent in a technical field, so many of my work friends have been male. And now, when I have a wider circle of acquaintances, and after trying to establish good, trusting female friendships, I find myself once again connected with a small group of male friends.

    None of this is because I think women are catty, or superficial or whatever. But many of the women that I know do talk about different kinds of things than I'm interested in, and have a very different attitude towards life. In some ways, they seem to take almost everything much too seriously; my male friends can engage in a very serious, intense discussion (about kids or relationships or politics), and, in a moment, let it all go and be silly and fun. Most women I know simply aren't like that.

    It's not surprising that some women tend to be more comfortable with me, or vice versa. We all know that there are character traits that tend to occur more in women, and some that occur more in men. But some women have more of what are typically considered male characteristics, and vice versa. So it doesn't take much of a logical leap to realize that some women would naturally gravitate more towards friendships with males. It doesn't imply any pathology - just that some women fall more on the 'male' end of the personality spectrum than others. Big deal.

    And, as a disclaimer - I'm a 49 year old woman, I've been married (a long term marriage which ended in divorce - but my ex had many more female friends than he had male friends) and I am a mom. I've had a successful career, and have spent much of my adult life NOT in a monogamous relationship.

    Posted by CMF June 19, 09 04:41 PM
  1. Lots of gratuitous slams against this LW - how nice that people can make a whole raft of assumptions about her based on her preference for male friends.

    I'm very similar to the LW, and have NOT spent my entire life in a relationship. I do NOT need to be in a relationship to be comfortable. I am NOT 'high maintenance', I am NOT looking for male friendships out of some attempt to stir up some sort of sexual liaison, or to be the center of attention. As a matter of fact, I don't LOOK FOR male friends at all. It just seems that I end up having many more longstanding friendships with men than I do with women. I do have some very good female friends, but it took many, many years to feel comfortable with them. Unfortunately, I live a couple of hours away from them, so don't see them often.

    But the fact is that I grew up in a neighborhood dominated by boys. I was athletic, and was very comfortable in the company of boys. In college, I had no close, long term girlfriends - I had friends who were women, but never really felt close to them. The people that I trusted happened to be men - I understood them, I was comfortable with them, and they accepted me completely. Much of my adult life has been spent in a technical field, so many of my work friends have been male. And now, when I have a wider circle of acquaintances, and after trying to establish good, trusting female friendships, I find myself once again connected with a small group of male friends.

    None of this is because I think women are catty, or superficial or whatever. But many of the women that I know do talk about different kinds of things than I'm interested in, and have a very different attitude towards life. In some ways, they seem to take almost everything much too seriously; my male friends can engage in a very serious, intense discussion (about kids or relationships or politics), and, in a moment, let it all go and be silly and fun. Most women I know simply aren't like that.

    It's not surprising that some women tend to be more comfortable with me, or vice versa. We all know that there are character traits that tend to occur more in women, and some that occur more in men. But some women have more of what are typically considered male characteristics, and vice versa. So it doesn't take much of a logical leap to realize that some women would naturally gravitate more towards friendships with males. It doesn't imply any pathology - just that some women fall more on the 'male' end of the personality spectrum than others. Big deal.

    And, as a disclaimer - I'm a 49 year old woman, I've been married (a long term marriage which ended in divorce - but my ex had many more female friends than he had male friends) and I am a mom. I've had a successful career, and have spent much of my adult life NOT in a monogamous relationship.

    Posted by CMF June 19, 09 04:52 PM
  1. I don't think Glamgirl is the problem. I am a female and I have very few close female friends. I have female aquintences but not very many close female friends. I think she may be like me. I DON'T want to be the center of attention (a few posters mentioned that as a possible reason why she mostly has male friends) and I am very comfortable with myself and don't have to be in a relationship (I have never sought out a romantic relationship, they just happen. I am not and have never been a "relationship hopper", I have spent alot of time being single). It is simply that I like horror and action movies, sci-fi, sports, hiking, etc. and I DON'T like chick flicks, clothes shopping (I prefer hardware stores thank you very much), make-up, and all other things "girlie". My close female friends are similar to me and we get along very well. I don't stop my husband from going out with friends, in fact I encourage it. Honestly though, when my husband and I go out with his friends and their wives/girlfriends, I have a hard time finding any common ground with these women. I don't watch television very much and I find shows like "Sex and the City" to be a waste of time (I tried watching it and turned it off after 15 minutes because I found it to be completely ridiculous).
    I think it is about finding common ground and not making yourself feel uncomfortable. Glamgirl said that she goes out in mixed groups and is fine. There is nothing wrong with that.
    Glamgirl - Keep looking. There are girls out there similar to you, they are few and far between, but they are out there. Don't listen to the people who say you are crazy. You just know who you are and what you want. I go out in mixed groups without my husband and it works out just fine (he goes out in mixed groups without me and I am perfectly fine with that).


    Posted by Girl - but not so glam June 19, 09 04:53 PM
  1. Jeez, I must have a problem too because I agree with her. I like gadgets, video games, politics, etc and if I try to talk about that stuff with women my eyes hurt from rolling so hard. One female "friend" of mine said she didn't want to vote for Obama because his wife looks like a man. When I asked her about the issues during the election, let's just say my eyes hurt even more. I try to have female friends but it always feels like pretending. The only true female friends I have are a few relatives like sisters and cousins. I've just given up at this point.

    Posted by Bee June 19, 09 04:56 PM
  1. I understand where the LW is coming from. I don't have many female friends and I've lost many girlfriends over catty comments or insensitive gossip. Looking back, I wish I had fought more to keep the friendship even though I've been really burned by some of them. Everyone keeps saying that female friendships are the closest relationships, but they can also be the ones that hurt the most.

    My problem now with making female friends is that they are very unreliable. I meet someone, we seem to be getting along, then we have plans to do something and she cancels for whatever reason. Over and over. I'm not saying this is exclusive female behavior, but my guy friends don't do this. I've always assumed it is a sort of high-maintence / drama element that I am not usually in the mood to handle.

    After reading through these responses, I realize that I should find a way to try harder to make these relationships work. Not sure if this is what the LW is going through. If so, I can relate to how very difficult it is.

    Posted by Edna June 19, 09 04:57 PM
  1. I agree with Mere and Patrick #3- it sounds like you are the problem. Either you are very young or very immature. When you say "They get all mad when you don't call right back, they are always asking if they look fat." First off, you write in slang and sound like a teenager or someone desperately trying to cling to their youth. Secondly, what women have you been around that have nothing better to do than talk about their weight and gossip about others? I am a woman with both male and female friends. My female friends are all professionals (attorneys, doctors, etc.), like myself. We talk about politics, sports, music, work, vacation -life in general. The topic of weight and the latest gossip never arise. It leads me to believe that you are not very well educated and lack social skills. Your reference to yourself as 'Glamgirl' leaves me (and other readers) to believe that you also have an attention-seeking personality and thus need male attention to feel special. You state that you are a happily married woman, but it seems your husband may have a different viewpoint. He has made it quite clear that he does not not want you tagging along with the guys. I would like to see the comments of his friends' wives and girlfriends. What do they think of you?! I would wager a bet that some of these women have complained to their significant others about you and the men in turn has spoken to your hubby about it! If you value your marriage, you need to resolve your social inepititude. It seems therapy is in order. If not your next best guy friend may be your divorce attorney.

    Posted by Citychick June 19, 09 05:24 PM
  1. The only women I have known who had trouble finding women friends were the type of women who have trouble sharing "the spotlight" and, more often than not, are boyfriend stealers (ties into that whole "spotlight" thing).

    I love my girlfriends and I don't have a lot of them. I lost my mother to cancer in my 20's. I was single at the time. I don't have my Mom to call when I have children questions or when I have good news, bad news, etc. I have my girlfriends and my sisters.

    Posted by Terri June 19, 09 05:40 PM
  1. Meredith - you may have missed the whole point.

    I would love to know Glamrgirl's work experience and background. It may speak volumes about the way she process information and the organizational behavior dynamics she deals with during most of her day. As a female engineer who went to school with mostly men and worked only with men (20 years total), it took time for me to wean myself into the 'female world' after having children and slowly cutting back my work hours till I was home full time with 3. My thought process are not the norm and my approach is unique as compared to the average female.

    Glamgirl may develop that bond with other women during childbearing years - some things only women understand. She may then also be very selective and stay away from the 'PTA' type of individuals. I tend to volunteer often and now that I am well rooted in our community, people request my help when bringing implementing new organizational ideas. My middle school daughter is not much different and tends to stick with the very bright boys because they stimulate her mind in a middle school environment where conforming is the rule.
    Teaching her that she can be herself, strive to contiuously learn with the gifted mind she was blessed with and still be beautiful and sexy when she wants to (hopefully, many years from now) is my goal.
    Keep those 2 good friends! 20+ years since I left college and when I reconnect with those few girlfriends it seems like yearterday. We still stay up to 3 AM talking - the laughs are still there only the topics have changed.

    Posted by nottoworry June 19, 09 06:15 PM
  1. Sorry Meredith I think you missed the mark on this one. Probably because I can relate to the LW myself, and I was sitting here reading your response and some of these comments like "huh? I'm supposed to be motivated by WHAT? What the heck are you talking about". Most of my hobbies, interests, and attitudes are more commonly "male". I have an amazing boyfriend and I have noticed that when all of us are hanging out, I have more to talk about with his guy friends than with their girlfriends and wives. Its not an insult to me or to them, there is nothing "wrong" with any of us, I think its totally natural to gravitate towards people you can relate to. That being said I have been lucky enough to meet a range of women who I CAN relate to (like people said, through the particular activities I'm interested in).

    As a woman I wasn't particularly insulted by your letter (although re-reading it I can see where other people might have been ). I actually thought "glamgirl" was meant as a joke. Either way, I think you're ok. If you meet some new people and make new friends then that can only be a good thing.

    Posted by solvera June 19, 09 08:23 PM
  1. Once again valentino writes a post that makes me ~~swoon~~! Do ya have a twin on the North Shore?

    I don't like the L/W's nic - reeks of hubris. I have three, count 'em, only three, close women friends, and I adore them to pieces. All three (and reindeergirl) are scholars, but unlike the Stevie Nicks lookalike reindeergirl, with her long tresses and slinky silk dresses, my friends are rather frumpy. See? Not all are boozing and shopping! And they don't care what their butts look like. But wait - GG doesn't like SATC-types, yet she signs her name like one! GG - you need to come to the LL party, and you'll meet some GREAT women!

    Also, since you are a woman who prefers men, maybe it would help you to try a romantic/sexual relationship with a woman. We can be among the best lovers, and by being with a woman, you might change your mind about our gender.

    Posted by reindeergirl June 19, 09 10:38 PM
  1. I can't believe the negativity in many of these responses! Self-centered? Spare me already. It could very well be that Glamgirl is not exposed to any women that share her interests an point of view. It happens. I know. I'm in the same situation. I'm a woman with very few women friends. Like Glamgirl, I'm a private person. In my case, most of the women I encounter on a daily basis are not people that I would want in my "inner circle." Sure, they're nice people, but not interesting to me. We don't have anything in common except that we're women, and that, frankly, isn't enough to form a basis for true friendship. I did find that when I started going to grad school that the women were much more interesting, smart, witty, and humorous. The problem then was that everyone lived so far apart and had so many other things going on in their lives that to maintain a friendship outside of school became really difficult. There are lots of factors involved in why Glamgirl doesn't care for the women she encounters. Give her a break. Maybe the right woman friend will come along, but until then, there is absolutely no need to join a hen party merely to be around people with the same chromosomes. That's just as bad as dating a guy you don't like just because you need to be in a relationship. So, Glamgirl, if you're happy, don't listen to your husband about needing women friends.

    Posted by Aviatrix June 20, 09 01:00 AM
  1. my my, Mer, for someone who brags about the benefits of womenhood, you sure did fall into the typical steriotype of what stinks about women in your very first sentence. A bit catty, and even bitchy, eh? No, women who dont get along with other women are not into the spotlight or being unique. Far from. Just the opposite. They like just being themselves and having that be OK. That is men. After growing up with older brothers, going into a male dominated profession, working with all men for over a decade, I too had nearly all men friends. but for...childhood friends. What is the one common thing among those? the ability to be real. Just be yourself. You say something a women doesn't like, she stews silently, you'll never know. Say something a guy doesn't like tells you why and after zero offense you go grab a bite to eat. No feelings hurt, nothing personal, life is easy and fun. I have my favorite women now, but I have to say, put me in a room with guys and I feel like I'm on vacation - I can speak as I want, i can joke as a want, nobody cares, nobody think I'm special or anything at all, I just am, one of the crowd, welcome, not judged. Being witty is far more accepted to men. Men jeer eachother. It's fun. I miss that. Could you be so frank and 'insulting' to a women? Dear Lord, no! Women are thoughtful, careful, nice. Women being so nice is nice, sometimes, sometimes, it's exhausting. But if you're sick, or your kid is, the guys are off living their lives while the women are dropping off food at your house and asking if they can drive your other kids to soccer. As I said, women THINK more, and there is advantages to that. So ladies, bring in the claws, eh? You're not doing your gender any favors with the behavior by posters today on this one. Including you, Mer. Can she form female friendships...eventually. But it's work and it's different. She's got a long way to go. In time it may come natural. For now, maybe hubby needs to get to know her male friends better.



    Posted by with years to my advantage June 20, 09 02:56 AM
  1. "The only women I have known who had trouble finding women friends were the type of women who have trouble sharing "the spotlight" and, more often than not, are boyfriend stealers "--LOL!! and you think the comment that women are catty and bitchy isn't reinforced by this statement??? LOL! Men are easy. No drama, straight forward, no appologies, and if you are person of the same type, you get along with men better. Men aren't insecure in the ways women are. Someone who isn't insecure can sometimes find insecurity a little annoying. Sounds harsh, but, uhhh, men can be harsh and insensitive, right? well, those men think you're being too sensitive and too high maintainence nand thinking too much about every little minutia of life . Some women agree with them. Hence, the 'guys girl". And if men click better with these women, well, yeah, they probably have alot of men like her. She's not stealing anyone, she just gets them, she is more like them, they're attracted to her. I think men's-women soften as they get older. And truth be told, for most of our younger lives, we have found women, to a small degree, annoying, but guess what, men have thought you were that way too, and they just didn't say so. We know, we agreed with them when they complained about you, not because we wanted attention, but because we honestly think they were right. You see, men are attracted to you, physically, women aren't. So that physical draw to get over the pain-in-the-ass factor of girls wasn't there for us 'guys-girls'. But as we, the insensitive women, get older, have kids, it just happens, we grow those parts of ourselves we didn't need when the were young ,free and unencumbered by manners and protocol and had zero need or desire for it. As gentle women age, I think they get more manish. They lose their insecurities, they learn to say what they feel more, they grow more like men. We all meet in the middle. She's not there yet. Give her time. And ladies who think she's a man-stealer, the problem is all her....get over yourselves. You're demonstrating whta she doesnt' like about women.

    Posted by a former guys girl June 20, 09 03:24 AM
  1. "The only women I have known who had trouble finding women friends were the type of women who have trouble sharing "the spotlight" and, more often than not, are boyfriend stealers "--LOL!! and you think the comment that women are catty and bitchy isn't reinforced by this statement??? LOL! Men are easy. No drama, straight forward, no appologies, and if you are person of the same type, you get along with men better. Men aren't insecure in the ways women are. Someone who isn't insecure can sometimes find insecurity a little annoying. Sounds harsh, but, uhhh, men can be harsh and insensitive, right? well, those men think you're being too sensitive and too high maintainence nand thinking too much about every little minutia of life . Some women agree with them. Hence, the 'guys girl". And if men click better with these women, well, yeah, they probably have alot of men like her. She's not stealing anyone, she just gets them, she is more like them, they're attracted to her. I think men's-women soften as they get older. And truth be told, for most of our younger lives, we have found women, to a small degree, annoying, but guess what, men have thought you were that way too, and they just didn't say so. We know, we agreed with them when they complained about you, not because we wanted attention, but because we honestly think they were right. You see, men are attracted to you, physically, women aren't. So that physical draw to get over the pain-in-the-ass factor of girls wasn't there for us 'guys-girls'. But as we, the insensitive women, get older, have kids, it just happens, we grow those parts of ourselves we didn't need when the were young ,free and unencumbered by manners and protocol and had zero need or desire for it. As gentle women age, I think they get more manish. They lose their insecurities, they learn to say what they feel more, they grow more like men. We all meet in the middle. She's not there yet. Give her time. And ladies who think she's a man-stealer, the problem is all her....get over yourselves. You're demonstrating whta she doesnt' like about women.

    Posted by a former guys girl June 20, 09 03:24 AM
  1. I don't like the blanketed statement that women always ask if they are fat, or get mad easily. You seem to have labeled women as somewhat vapid individuals...yet some of the greatest insightful books are written by women. Very smart women who aren't affected by extra fat on their hips b/c they have more important things to do like fight for freedom of speech in their countries or dream of simple freedoms we take for granted in America, like showing their face in public or wearing nail polish without being punish by the government. I am not from another country but I do read about what other women have faced or achieved..., great women...and I think you should rethink the way you approach women. All women have insecurities of one sort or another however and if they share that with you, take it as a sign of trust or someone having a bad day not whining. "little minds have little worries, big minds have not time for worries"

    Posted by Lisa June 20, 09 11:08 AM
  1. My long time girlfriend refused to make friends, and had difficulty making girlfriends in school and after. I wanted her to have friends, and get out of the house, and away from our kids.

    She told me she didnt want to be introducing me to a bunch of women that might hit on me, if things didnt go well with her. Thats why she didnt have a circle of GFs. He boyfriend in HS cheated with one of her friends. She was devastated. She said she isnt bringing her replacement around her guy.

    Posted by Billy13 June 20, 09 04:42 PM
  1. I have to say that I could not live without my girlfriends....we have seen each other through everything - guys, jobs, marriage, kids etc. We talk about our lives and I love that I can tell them everything and they still love me. I appreciate their honesty and wisdom and friendship.
    I must admit that most - not all - women I find that don't have a lot of girlfriends seem to like it for all of the attention they get being the only girl. I even admit that at work I am the girl all the guys like to hang out with and I like it - haha - but I have a ton of friends and as the work guys have dates etc. I have welcomed the other girls into the equation.
    I think the writer is missing out on what women bring to the equation as friends.

    Posted by Trixie June 20, 09 05:50 PM
  1. I, too, have a problem relating to most women, which is more or less based on my sense of humor. I have yet to meet other women who love classic Mel Brooks movies, Monty Python, or satire in general. I'm not saying that women like me are not out there, but because I've yet to encounter one, we must be few and far between. Therefore, our chances of running into each other are slim.

    Posted by Aviatrix June 21, 09 12:51 AM
  1. I think you should be baking your husband a pie and ironing his clothes right now.

    Posted by Mikey "Insane" Monkeypants June 21, 09 03:58 PM
  1. Meredith, we NEED a LL party! I agree w/Reindeer girl - GG might meet some nice people there.

    Posted by Tricia June 22, 09 09:08 AM
  1. I think Meredith made some really great points. And I have to agree with some others that I take issue with women who say they can't be friends with other women. But I have two theories Meredith overlooked. One is, maybe the real problem is that other women don't like the LW??? So rather than taking a hard look at herself, it's easier to just say "well I don't like women anyway!". Very mature, I must say.
    My second theory is, maybe the LW was badly hurt in the past by a female friend. A few years ago, I was BADLY hurt when my "best-friend" did something so awful to me. But like any relationship (romatic or platonic), you have to get back on the horse and you can't go around over-generalizing a whole gender in order to avoid the real problems.

    Posted by betty June 22, 09 09:54 AM
  1. Aviatrix- I've more female friends than I can count on both hands who love the Mel Brooks movies, as well as Monty Python and satire.
    You're not looking in the right places.
    We are skilled in the ways of How Not To Be Seen ;)

    Posted by Noel June 22, 09 11:02 AM
  1. If "girlfriends are a must" then it is okay if I get a few? I'll ask my wife what she thinks.

    Let the girl choose the hell she likes to hang out with without everybody passing judgment , psychoanalyzing her and all that. She has her reasons and she is entitled to them.

    Maybe she's had female friends in the past and they all had attributes not to her liking, and she's more comfortable with men. NOTHING WRONG WITH IT.

    You people need to STOP projecting what you think is "normal" on Glamgirl, and stop calling her a narcissist or whatnot. I praise her for not trying to fit in where she feels uncomfortable, she sounds like she is being honest with herself. I know plenty of women, married or otherwise who feel uncomfortable with other women, but tough it out to fit in, and they are miserable for it . They fall into a trap of gossip and projection and it drags them down.

    Glamgirl there is NOTHING wrong with not liking having girlfriends.

    Posted by S June 22, 09 11:27 AM
  1. OK. I think some of the posters here might misunderstand why some other women are reacting so strongly to this. It isn't so much that GG has more male friends, or that she likes the company of men. It's that she seems to have such contempt for her own gender. There is nothing wrong with being friends with people you have the most in common with. But saying that you won't be friends with someone simply because they are a particular gender is sexist.
    I wonder how the guys here would be reacting right now if this was a man writing in saying he only wanted to be friends with women?

    Posted by betty June 22, 09 01:09 PM
  1. I totally agree with you, betty!
    "They get all mad when you don't call right back, they are always asking if they look fat"
    Glamgirl, you're clearly not meeting the right women!

    Posted by tk June 22, 09 01:41 PM
  1. LOL
    I love all the comments that "I'm not friends with women because I'm not like most women."
    Okay, you're special unique snowflake, JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE.
    Clearly, because so many women have responded this way- you are mistaken! You ARE like a lot of women, you just prefer to believe otherwise.
    Why? Because it makes you feel special.
    You can admit that you have things in common with other women and still be/feel special, we're all special.

    Posted by Mr.RogersSaysI'mSpecial June 22, 09 01:52 PM
  1. GlamGirl, are you the person your husband married? Did he somehow not notice this about you before? If his problem is really what gender your friends happen to be, the problem is HIM, not you, and not other women. Now, if his problem is about you having friends at all, and he's just assuming that necessitates them being women, the problem is both of you (you need friends and he STILL needs to stop being sexist). But that's not what you said. You said his issue is about the gender of the friends you do have.

    I'm actually with you on this one. Do I have friends that happen to be female? Sure. They're the other women that "don't like women." And we certainly don't think of each other as "girlfriends" and certainly don't have "girls' night out." UGH! What on earth could we possibly want to do that we have to exclude our friends that happen to be male? Talk about our periods? Do our toenails? Buy lingerie? HELL to the NO!

    I think you may have expressed it poorly, but your reasons for winding up with (mostly) male friends are valid, and these rabid responses simply prove your point. When you find someone who:

    1. Isn't interested in flirting with your (straight male) S.O.
    2. Isn't paranoid about whether you might be flirting with their (straight male) S.O.
    3. Isn't competing with and judging you based on things you find much less important than they do (appearance and clothes, raising babies, getting mens' (sexual) attention (or not), emotional involvements, etc.)
    4. Can shut up and engage in an activity you both find interesting
    5. Communicate directly and bluntly without getting upset
    6. Has genuine interest in "typically male" areas like sports, engineering, science fiction, motorcycles, etc.

    Chances are high that person will happen to be male - it's how Americans are socialized. If these are the things you appreciate in a friend, your friends are likely male, regardless of what bits are between your own legs.

    So what are you going to do when you want to sob at someone about emotional drama and babies? Gosh. What do men do when THEY want to... oh, wait. Men aren't supposed to want to gush about that sort of thing, so they don't need friends who do? But you are supposed to want that? How sexist.

    Posted by Can pee by herself June 22, 09 04:02 PM
  1. Can pee by herself- I do not see any of my friends as competition and I certainly don't judge them. That's not a friend at all. That's a frenemy.
    Your comments are incredibly sexist. I have been on a few "Girls Night Out" in my life, and none of them involved anything that you described. We went out, got dinner or drinks, and talked about, well, everything except the things you listed. We talked about our lives and interests honestly and directly, and laughed alot. Sometimes we just went dancing, let loose, and didn't really talk about anything at all. I don't see why people like you find that so awful and disgusting.

    Posted by Noel June 22, 09 04:35 PM
  1. I totally understand where she's coming from. I work with all guys (I'm the only girl in a lab of 50 men) and although I have several very close girlfriends (two who are my absolute soulmates who I couldn't live without), there's a big difference between how you socialize with men and with women. It sounds stupid, but it takes effort to be able to switch between the two easily. Also, socializing with your boyfriend's/husband's friend's wives/girlfriends is not easy. I really like my guy friend's girlfriends and wives, but I'm "one of the guys" because I work at the lab, not one of the girls. As silly as it sounds, maybe GlamGirl should join a bookclub or take some classes or something to meet other women in her own element, not her husband's.

    I

    Posted by gradstudent June 22, 09 09:58 PM
  1. #159/160, a former guys girl:

    Wow, spot on. Spot... friggin'... on!! That should be required reading cause it's just so friggin' on point. It deserved to be posted twice! Well done.

    Incidentally, I think I love you! : )

    Posted by DJMcG June 23, 09 01:33 PM
  1. #170, betty:

    That's easy. Much like 99% of the other issues of this ilk, men wouldn't give a damn! And now we come full circle, you see, as that's EXCATLY why she only likes hanging out with men!

    If men heard that there was a man who only liked hanging out with women, they would say "GOOD FOR HIM!!!"... and aye, there's the rub.

    Men aren't catty, insecure, high-maintenance energy anchors....... That's why there are plenty of instances of women who only hang with men, and absolutely zero cases of (straight) men who only look for female friends. If you're in the latter, it sure as hell ain't "friendship" that you're seeking...

    Posted by DJMcG June 23, 09 01:47 PM
  1. Oh, and good luck also when you tell "the guys" all about your experience delivering "children" - and if "your water breaks" while your shooting the breeze with the guys - WATCH HOW FAST THEY WILL RUN FROM YOU.

    Posted by Been around June 23, 09 03:16 PM
  1. I get this - because just as all men aren't the same, neither are all women.

    Sounds like your husband is a social creature and may not understand why you don't appear to have the same urges. For the sake of harmony, I'd force myself to do every third or every fourth GNO that came up; these are his buddies' wives. Even so, if you don't like the ladies involved, you don't like 'em, plain and simple.

    So, consider meeting new people through an activity outside your normal routine. Fro example, I made fast friends with a few women on my dart team (substitute pool or softball or City Sports) many years ago. My friends are no-nonsense babes who give as good as they get. We're not that predominant girly-girl stereotype of women who vacuously discuss only movie stars, fashion and babies. And we sure as hell admit that we are competitive when we set out to make our own fun. I couldn't do without them - I hope you find the same.

    Posted by Anonymous June 25, 09 06:24 PM
  1. Glamgirl,
    I live in Boston too and I'm exactly like you :)

    Any time I've seen more than two women form a group, there's backbiting, gossiping, whispers - and that's simply not my style

    I've ended up being isolated (by choice) - I feel a bit strange but much better than the alternative!
    With you!!

    Posted by boston June 28, 09 06:32 PM
  1. I was always a guys' girl because I was into sports and just was more comfortable and relaxed with them. I find women to be worse when they're younger and immature. As everyone gets older, we seem to mellow out. Priorities change. Before it was all competition, who's the best looking one (God help you if it's you), who's getting the attention from the guys, etc. When everyone's married, it's different. Going out is more civilized, more about catching up and having a few laughs. I used to be a woman who hates women (a la Elaine in Seinfeld) because I couldn't stand going out and competing - as if that was the whole point of getting together. I've had friends steal and flirt with my boyfriends, so I've had some trust issues, too. I used to declare all women to be beeyotches and that was that. I didn't bother making new friends. But I have close friends who I've known for years and years, and these are the ones who know me the best and vice versa. It's like having a sister and knowing her faults and accepting how she is. Hanging out with other women/wives/girlfriends doesn't mean you have to like them. But having the few that you know really well is all that matters. The few close friends are better than a lot of acquaintances.

    Posted by Elaine July 1, 09 03:00 PM
  1. I usually agree with Meredith, but not this time. I think you're missing a theory.

    I find talking to men, on average, more interesting. I'm not a flirt, don't want to be the center of attention, and I don't dislike women, I just prefer the company of men. Typically they are more interested in the things I'm interested in -- sports, politics, science -- so conversation flows a little quicker. Women tend to talk about other people more and are more likely to talk about things I have zero interest in (shopping and clothes, e.g.,)

    I have two good women friends that I see every so often. Interestingly, they both prefer the company of men too (all 3 of us are happily married 15+ years).

    Posted by I can never remember the name I used last time July 16, 09 02:21 PM
  1. look good ?

    Posted by your mane September 3, 09 12:22 AM
 
ABOUT LOVE LETTERS: Welcome to Love Letters, the place for love advice (giving and getting). Globe relationship columnist Meredith Goldstein and Boston.com readers are ready to take your letters and tell you what's what. Have a question? Click here to submit or email us at loveletters@boston.com.
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Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.

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