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She wakes, she bakes

Posted by Meredith Goldstein  June 18, 2009 09:57 AM

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Good morning. I hope you got to see the update from our friend whose boyfriend took another girl to the Cape. Doesn't sound good.

Today's letter is about pot and a woman who smokes it. Help a guy who calls himself Press.

Q: Hi there...I'm hoping that you and or your readers can help me with a problem. About six months ago I met a girl that I am starting to really fall for. When we first met, she was in another relationship, so we were not spending allot of time together. She has since broken up with him, and we have started to spend some more time together. My challenge is that she uses marijuana everyday. Not for medicinal purposes...She just likes to be high. Sometimes she will smoke in the early morning before work, almost always at night when she gets home, and I'm assuming during the day on weekends. When she smokes, it changes her personality. I have brought my concerns to her attention, but to no avail. My question: Do you think someone can kick this habit for a relationship, or I am hoping for a miracle? Also, have any readers had a similar experience?

A little background: I'm 38, she is 27. We are both white-collar professionals with active social lives that involve us being in a bar once or twice a week. We both drink a little more than socially, though we are working on that. I have smoked marijuana in the past and will occasionally, maybe 3-4 times per year. Any help would be greatly appreciated...I know I can’t have an on-going relationship with her if it persists.

-- Press, Boston

A: Thank you for being the first reader to admit you drink more than socially. Honesty helps with context.

Marijuana habits are difficult to address, mainly because they’re more socially acceptable than, let’s say, a cocaine addiction or sniffing glue. Regardless of its appropriateness, she’s self-medicating. The morning stuff is especially upsetting. The fact that she can’t face work without a wake and bake is troubling.

You say pot changes her personality. You also say she smokes all the time. That makes me think you don’t actually get to see her real personality very often. How well do you know her? After six months, what is it you're falling for?

I’m not saying she can’t change. Frankly, I think she’ll have to curb the weed use as she gets older. But she may not be ready yet -- and you’re 38.

Tell her that you’re trying to curb your over-use of substances and that you wish she’d do the same. Tell her you’re anxious to be the kind of guy who only drinks socially and smokes pot twice a year to giggle a bit. Tell her you really like her but (I’m going to steal your words here). “I know I can’t have an on-going relationship with you if your behavior persists.”

I can’t say I have high hopes, but it’s worth telling her how you feel -- that you have a foot-and-a-half out the door. It may be that you fell for her during a stage of your life that is now, somehow, over.

Readers? Thoughts? Will she be able to have her last dance with Mary Jane? Can she set her monkey free? Share here before I run out of drug euphemisms.

-- Meredith

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347 comments so far...
  1. "High hopes" ;) - BRILLIANT!

    Posted by Munkie June 18, 09 10:13 AM
  1. Wow. Run fast, run far. Meredith is right on again. This girl has issues and having been in similar relationships in the past I suspect that, instead of you getting her to clean up her act, her goal is to get you to party harder. Addictive personalities prove the old saying "misery loves company". I bet she pressures you to smoke pot and the bar hopping is probably her suggestion as well. One of my ex BF's liked to start the day with vodka and orange juice and always wanted me to go along (i think it was some kind of a validation thing - if I'm doing it too, then it can't be bad?) I had to move on for my own health and ego. She's old enough to not be in a high school mentality but she's way too young for you. Can you be clearer about what aspects of her personality you are falling for? Is she cute, funny, witty? The morning wake and bake sounds like she's pretty depressed. Bottom line is, can you say that you would want a serious relationship with this girl, possibly as the mother of your children? If that is what you are looking for, I don't think you'll find it here. If, though, you are looking for a summer fling, a fun person to hang out with at the beach and no long term commitment, well, that may be a different story. One last note, what if she gets arrested? Like it or not, it is still illegal.

    Posted by J Bar June 18, 09 10:14 AM
  1. Wow. Run fast, run far. Meredith is right on again. This girl has issues and having been in similar relationships in the past I suspect that, instead of you getting her to clean up her act, her goal is to get you to party harder. Addictive personalities prove the old saying "misery loves company". I bet she pressures you to smoke pot and the bar hopping is probably her suggestion as well. One of my ex BF's liked to start the day with vodka and orange juice and always wanted me to go along (i think it was some kind of a validation thing - if I'm doing it too, then it can't be bad?) I had to move on for my own health and ego. She's old enough to not be in a high school mentality but she's way too young for you. Can you be clearer about what aspects of her personality you are falling for? Is she cute, funny, witty? The morning wake and bake sounds like she's pretty depressed. Bottom line is, can you say that you would want a serious relationship with this girl, possibly as the mother of your children? If that is what you are looking for, I don't think you'll find it here. If, though, you are looking for a summer fling, a fun person to hang out with at the beach and no long term commitment, well, that may be a different story. One last note, what if she gets arrested? Like it or not, it is still illegal.

    Posted by J Bar June 18, 09 10:14 AM
  1. Tell her to grow up. Smoking MJ in college was one thing - in your 20's not cool. Especially if you are professionals.

    Posted by Kristen June 18, 09 10:17 AM
  1. My advice: Don't waste your time and deal with the risk of getting involved with someone that you pretty much already admit will require a miracle to change her behavior.

    You are 38, have a white collar / professional job, and are trying to cut back your own drinking to a more socially acceptable level. Being with a 27 year old drinker and toker will be counterproductive to the path you are looking to follow. You do not need the what you call "challenge", or the risk involved. If the sex is great (which I assume it is or you wouldn't even be asking if this is worthwhile), then continue to party with her occasionally, but keep looking for a more worthwhile relationship prospect.

    - Hoss

    Posted by Hoss June 18, 09 10:18 AM
  1. I think you should give her a break. You fell for her in the first place and you are still around, aren't you?!

    Posted by Tricia June 18, 09 10:19 AM
  1. I've dealt with the same situation with my bf. He smokes a lot, and we do tend to drink more than socially, although we've totally curbed that. He wants to smoke less, but I know it's difficult for him. His new psychiatrist wants him to stop doing everything all-together. That made me think that, if he asked me to, I would have to give it up too, not b/c I have a problem, but b/c I love him and I could never justify chosing a few drinks over the love of my life ( especially when it's just downright healthy to not drink or smoke).
    It seems like you are both in different phases of your life. I would suggest asking her to curb her habits, if she won't maybe its time to move on to someone who respects you r feelings on the matter.
    Good luck!
    s time to move on.

    Posted by thehighlife June 18, 09 10:20 AM
  1. I just ended a three-month relationship with a pot user. I didn't really notice the amount of pot he was smoking until we spent 3 days together. I think he was self-medicating because of some anger issues. His real personality was the yelling and swearing one - the funny and happy personality was the high one. Think back and try to remember if you were ever with her while she wasn't high (I couldn't do it with my ex). Unless you're a raging pot head yourself I don't think it will work.

    Posted by beenthere June 18, 09 10:22 AM
  1. I had a boyfriend that did this as well, its pretty much what ruined us. All he would want to do is smoke (i dont smoke at all, but figured to each their own)..the longer we were together the worse he was. We couldnt even have a night out together because all he wanted to do was go home so he could smoke. I honestly think she will only change if she wants to and seems to me like she doesnt so could be time to move on.

    Posted by yikes June 18, 09 10:22 AM
  1. I just ended a three-month relationship with a pot user. I didn't really notice the amount of pot he was smoking until we spent 3 days together. I think he was self-medicating because of some anger issues. His real personality was the yelling and swearing one - the funny and happy personality was the high one. Think back and try to remember if you were ever with her while she wasn't high (I couldn't do it with my ex). Unless you're a raging pot head yourself I don't think it will work.

    Posted by beenthere June 18, 09 10:23 AM
  1. Smokin' the ganj really just has to run it's course. It goes through phases (typically). Most people who smoke habitually in their teens through their 20's will chill out with it eventually, but some folks will be high til the day they die. Maybe that's her, maybe not, but it isn't your call to make (especially after only kinda-sorta dating for 6 months). Certainly address your concerns to her, but your choice is pretty simple: You're either going to tolerate her smoking the Buddicus or you're not. She's quite clearly a true stoner, so she is not going to quit, although maybe she'll cut down to accomodate you......but all in all, just a few months in, you have a problem with her lifestyle, which is a HUGE sign that you two have no future together.

    Posted by FreddyMo June 18, 09 10:29 AM
  1. "Tell her to grow up. Smoking MJ in college was one thing - in your 20's not cool. Especially if you are professionals."
    [sarcasm]Yeah, that'll do it.[/sarcasm]

    Posted by Sir Stewart June 18, 09 10:37 AM
  1. Get out before she lands you in serious trouble. One of these days you'll get pulled over for speeding or similar and there'll be a smell of pot off her OR or she'll be caught buying (who knows ?) and next thing you know you and her are going to be in a world of trouble that could affect your career prospects and consequently the rest of your life. Get out while you can !

    Posted by brendan June 18, 09 10:39 AM
  1. I'm not a 'raging' pothead, my husband smokes probably three times a day and I have no problems with it. My attitude toward it is generally not the 'socially acceptable' view. I don't think it makes people horrible to be around, I think that for some people it's like anti-anxiety medication. Just because a dr prescribes something, it makes it acceptable? I'd rather sit by the guy giggling and eating potato chips than the loud alcoholic, life of the party type.

    It's all about your limits and what you're willing to put up with. The fact that you're asking for advice while making leading comments makes me think you've already made up your mind.

    Posted by Still There June 18, 09 10:40 AM
  1. It seems to me that the problems with your relationship are far greater than her pot smoking addiction. When you met her, she smoked just as much, so you were aware of what you were signing up for. If she was to quit smoking pot forever, I don't think your relationship would change at all. You are still you. And i dont think you guys truly like who the other person is so why keep trying to force it? You are 38 - you should know by now that you can't change the one you are with. If you don't like who she is as a person, than let her go. If she doesn't see her smoking as problem like you do, so she'll never want to change. You can't control people.

    Posted by trueluv4eva June 18, 09 10:40 AM
  1. Easily said....Move on. She is a true addict (this isn't a once in a while social thing).

    Posted by Den June 18, 09 10:42 AM
  1. To have a relationship she needs to give up the pot. This sounds like it's a little more then your average smoker. Probably mentally addicted, if she quits, big if, she will most likely take up something to replace it. Harder drugs, more alcohol, who knows. She may try to get help to kick it, 12 step program. None of those options will be easy for her or you. The best option would be the 12 step, but you would probably be one of the things she feels she needs to eliminate from her life. Be there for her but realize a relationship may not be possible.

    Posted by pbr June 18, 09 10:45 AM
  1. I think it's pretty cool that a 38 year old guy is unmarried and dating a 27 year old, and going out to bars as often as I do (but I'm 24!). So this gives me hope that I have at least 14 more years of the good times!

    Posted by dizzle June 18, 09 10:45 AM
  1. Don't forget to bring a towel!

    Posted by Towelie June 18, 09 10:46 AM
  1. first i agree that a wake and bake everyday is a bit much but to suggest that
    most people out grow the ganja experience must be living in a closet i would
    be concerned about the alcohol use by both parties i for one
    don't drink at all but do consume on a daily basis a small amount after work
    never before and on weekends smoke with a varied group of proffesionals
    who also use it for recreational and relaxation purposes so please don't mix
    up your personal bias and use it to pass a blanket judgment on the millions who use it w/o abusing it ...by the way there's a reason its the largest cash crop in
    this country

    Posted by toxictom June 18, 09 10:46 AM
  1. You are dating an addict. I suspect that you do not know her real personality - and I will bet that at this point she doesn't either.... I think your choices are to either cut and run completely away, or to at least step back and acknowledge that for you to have a real relationship, she needs (and probably you need to some degree) to step back from the substances that are changing your personalities, and clouding your true relationship. Either way, you need to be strong and honest with her, and with yourself. If the possibility of a real relationship is there - then that needs to be built on a foundation of something other than smoke.

    Posted by Jeff June 18, 09 10:47 AM
  1. Don't forget to bring a towel!

    Posted by Towelie June 18, 09 10:48 AM
  1. Run away. She is not going to give it up for you and it will bring you down. I agree with everyone who says she is likely self-medicating -- how can you have a meaningful relationship that way? I mean, do you see long-term potential (wife? mother of your children?) in this woman? I had a friend who stuck around for a stoner (actually married him) and eventually his sitting around and smoking up all weekend and every evening drove them apart -- he had no ambition to do ANYTHING and it destroyed their emotional connection.

    BTW, Hoss, I doubt the sex is that great because this degree of stoning reduces your drive in just about every area, that included.

    Posted by move on June 18, 09 10:49 AM
  1. She's a 27 year old professional... the college party years have been over for quite some time now. It's pathetic and at six months into the relationship, I don't even know if it's worth addressing - just move on to someone who shares your same outlook. I'm surprised you even put up with it for this long. Just like I would have cut someone off at the knees if they smoked cigarettes, I would have been done after about a week watching her light up morning, noon and night. It's fine if that's what you want to do, too, but obviously you're not into it. It's either you ask her to change who she is so the two of you can be together OR you change who you are so the two of you can be together. Why not find someone who already wants what you want?

    Posted by bumbly-bee June 18, 09 10:49 AM
  1. Sounds like you are out-growing it and she is not. Expect that she will keep at it for a while. You will not be able to change her. If this is a huge deal breaker for you, then I suggest you grow up yourself and find someone a little more mature (i.e. closer to your age).
    Otherwise, you could just pack the bong and lite up with her.
    Also, I wonder how it is that you both are able to lead successful professional white collar lives when you are constantly baked. I suspect that when your annual performance reviews come around, the 'ambitious' box is not checked.

    Posted by DrK June 18, 09 10:51 AM
  1. Unless your willing to give it up as well, you have no right to say anything. Just becasue she smokes more than you do. If your concerned with the ammount of pot that she smokes, than maybe you should find somone who only smokes 3 -4 times a year like you do. I don't beleive you in any position to judge her.

    Posted by Me June 18, 09 10:53 AM
  1. I had to check that this wasn't written about me as my BF has recently given me the ultimatum on either smoking pot or being with him. We are both professionals in our 20s and the other night he made it very clear that my pot smoking is not only stagmenting my career, but its causing him to smoke more himself. He told me he is not going to talk to me for 2 weeks while I figure out what is more important, getting high or creating a productive life together. It sounds easier than it actually is becouse I realize that its not the getting high part that I like, its the act of smoking-the weekend wake and bake, the relaxing toke after work, the after sex smoke. I love him and want to change I just need to figure out how to change my routine and stop the cravings. I sometimes feel like Dave Chappell in Half Baked when he stands up at an addiction meereting and says "I'm addicted to weed" and everybody laughs at him becouse no one thinks its addicting-well it is.

    Posted by RC June 18, 09 10:53 AM
  1. "Tell her to grow up. Smoking MJ in college was one thing - in your 20's not cool. Especially if you are professionals."

    I am in my 20's, I am a professional and I smoke pot on a regular basis. I am on time for my job every day. My performance has never wavered and I don't smoke before work. There is nothing wrong with smoking pot. If it's ok for this guy to go out drinking on a regular basis, it's ok for his GF to smoke on a regular basis. As long as she doesn't hurt anyone.

    Posted by proud pot smoker June 18, 09 10:54 AM
  1. Most commenters are right on the mark - this girl is avoiding something. Such frequent use is an indication that there is something that she just can't face up to on a daily basis without the aid of a narcotic. And I hate to say it, but you may end up being part of the problem, not the solution.

    If you tell her that she needs to change for you, you're giving her one more problem to avoid, one more reason to toke. This girl has issues she needs help with, and six months in a relationship is not enough commitment to warrant such effort on your part. She needs a professional, but first she needs to *want* the help.

    You need to decide if you can stay with her, as-is, until she sees her problems and is willing to work through them. Or you need to move on. But this is not a "tough love" situation, and giving her an ultimatum is not the right way to go. You need to lighten her load, one way or another, not add to it.

    Posted by Andrew June 18, 09 10:55 AM
  1. "One last note, what if she gets arrested? Like it or not, it is still illegal."

    The only way she can get arrested in MA is if she is smoking and driving. Or carrying more than an ounce!

    Otherwise, it's a $100 fine, even if she is walking down the street smoking a joint.

    Posted by proud pot smoker June 18, 09 10:55 AM
  1. Possibly Rico's shortest advice yet:

    Rico thinks you both need to seek professional help in the form of a drug and alcohol treatment facility. You and her are done, over, finished...You fell for her because she is 10 years younger, nothing more to talk about.

    Rico says, don't worry, be happy...

    Sorry about that, Rico will check in later.

    Love always,

    Rico

    Gears not Grass...oops, Rico meant Gas

    Posted by Rico June 18, 09 10:57 AM
  1. So many uninformed herb haters! You can thank your fellow Massachusetts voters for now making possession of small amounts of pot NOT a criminal offense. It's basically a speeding ticket now that doesn't stay on your record, contrary to what other commenters are saying. I don't think that "ganj really just has to run it's course" for everyone. Lighten up! You can be a social smoker and/or social drinker and keep it in check. Some people, like the girlfriend in question, have addictive personalities and cannot handle anything in moderation. That said, I don't think gf is changing her ways for you. It's possible that losing someone great like you could make her reevaluate her situation and make changes, but by then it's no longer your problem and you will probably have moved onto someone a bit more well adjusted.

    Posted by MJ June 18, 09 10:57 AM
  1. I too had a boyfriend who was on the 'wake and bake' train. When we first met, I was coming off a relationship with a stuffy, stick-in-the mud dude and my new boyfriend, let's call him Baron Von Tokenstein, seemed to be just what the doctor ordered since he was fun and carefree. However, after a few months with this dude, what was once 'fun' seemed BORING and repetitive. That's the problem with addictions - there's a lot of the same old crap over and over and over again. The only bright spot in this story is that he cleaned up his act after I dumped him.

    Posted by Karmen June 18, 09 11:01 AM
  1. Once again, I have to ask, what is with all the UBER-CREEPY freaks on this column who date women so young... then they ask "Duh, why am I having problems???". Well here you go. Not only did you break the +/-4 year age difference rule, you also broke the creepy-meter. Her biggest concern is where to score her next dimebag, your biggest concern is passing your colon cancer exam. Seriously 11 years is the difference between her partying like she'll never die, and you dumping every penny into your 401k because you want 10 good years of retirement before you die.

    Posted by DudeGuyKidDudeGuy666 June 18, 09 11:04 AM
  1. Send me her phone number or email address. I prefer a woman who likes to get high. They're generally better in the sack, more liberal in their tendencies, more open to music, food, fun. I wouldn't ask her to quit. I'd be fine with her smoking reefer day and night. As for you and your booze: Poor her having to put up with you and your desire for her to quit her harmless inclinations.

    Posted by Give Me a Rasta Girl June 18, 09 11:05 AM
  1. Sounds like my dream girl... mind if i get her number.

    Posted by prphaze June 18, 09 11:06 AM
  1. I realize this isn't a funny situation, but it is a little bit. My advice is, this won't work. As someone who knows all about that culture, I can tell you that she is not ready to change if she's waking and baking. Weekend smoking or sometimes at night, like the way others may have a glass of wine or scotch to unwind, is one thing. But if she has a white collar job and puffs in the morning, she sees herself as someone who likes/needs to be high all the time, is in complete control of herself, and has no reason to stop. And I doubt you will be the person to change her. It also sounds as though you like to party a lot yourself and aren't giving us the full disclosure of your drinking habits. Given her age, the pothead lifestyle (and believe me, it's a lifestyle), and the fact that you seem to be partying right alongside her but just happen to not enjoy pot as much as she does, this tells me you are in a hopeless situation. You can try to take a stand, but ultimately she'll let you walk away. She's 27. You're 38. Sorry. You need a non-smoker, simple as that.

    Posted by upinsmoke June 18, 09 11:07 AM
  1. What is the difference in her personality? I know lots of people who smoke regularly and I see little difference in them with or without. I would be a lot more concerned if this was a drinking or hard drug issue. I think it's the idea that your gf is toking a lot that bothers you not the effects as you don't get very specific..

    Posted by techdood June 18, 09 11:10 AM
  1. My experience is that someone who smokes daily, no matter what the amount, is somebody addicted and would be classified as a drug addict. Strong words but it appears to be her situation. She is not really with you when she is high on drugs. You are getting a part of her but not the real person. It is very hard to be in a relationship with someone who is not present. Never mind what she is doing is illegal.
    Good luck. I hope you find a solution.

    Posted by recoveredinaa June 18, 09 11:13 AM
  1. I used to smoke several times a day in my early 20s. My then girlfriend who turned into my wife didnt smoke at all. She tolerated my smoking during college. Once we got out of college I just pretty much stopped smoking cold turkey. It got sort of boring smoking the stuff by myself. Maybe your girl will get bored with it too. Just be real careful how you confront her as she is now not hiding it from you. If you confront her and tell her you think she smokes too much she might start sneaking it behind your back. I think you can make it work, but its definitely going to be a tough confrontation. You should let her know that her smoking that much really bothers you and that youd like to see her cut back a little. Go for the baby steps. Crawl, walk, run. Ask her to just cut back a little at first, and not go cold turkey. Good luck.

    Posted by Mainer June 18, 09 11:15 AM
  1. You said, "I have brought my concerns to her attention, but to no avail. My question: Do you think someone can kick this habit for a relationship, or I am hoping for a miracle?"

    YES someone can kick the habit but ONLY IF they want to. It sounds like she has said she doesn't want to. The miracle you are hoping for is actually that she will listen to you and agree to quit in the first place. So it's up to you to decide: do you want to date a stoner?

    Posted by rebecca June 18, 09 11:15 AM
  1. In answer to your question "Do you think someone can kick this habit for a relationship?" NO "Or I am hoping for a miracle?" . YES, and you're not gettin' one.

    Frankly, you would annoy the hell at me sober.

    Posted by Sally June 18, 09 11:17 AM
  1. I think most of us (including myself) have overlooked the evidence that these two don't sound like they're actually dating at all. Just because she broke up with her ex and they "have started to spend some more time together" including a bar once or twice a week doesn't mean that they're dating. In that light, I'd say stay out. If they develop an actual relationship beyond coworker happy hours, then you might have the authority to talk about her habits. As far as I can tell, he doesn't even see her on weekends. Not to stereotype, but I've known plenty of 30 something guys who become infatuated with dating 20 something girls who really aren't interested. Maybe I'm way off, but from what we have to go on I don't know what else to think.

    Posted by Tim in DC June 18, 09 11:18 AM
  1. In my experience, yes, it can happen. I stopped smoking long ago, he still did it, out of boredom and loneliness. I came along, he stopped without me saying a word about it. He decided it was time to grow up.

    Your situation however, most likely no. She was sampling you before she left the ex. You are a party guy, she's a party girl. After 6 mos. it sounds like you're still just "spending time together" since you didn't use the G word. Go ahead and change your drinking ways, for yourself. If she follows the lead, great. If not maybe it's time for you to grow up at 38 and look for someone who's done partying.

    Posted by Mrs. ex pot head June 18, 09 11:20 AM
  1. In my experience, yes, it can happen. I stopped smoking long ago, he still did it, out of boredom and loneliness. I came along, he stopped without me saying a word about it. He decided it was time to grow up.

    Your situation however, most likely no. She was sampling you before she left the ex. You are a party guy, she's a party girl. After 6 mos. it sounds like you're still just "spending time together" since you didn't use the G word. Go ahead and change your drinking ways, for yourself. If she follows the lead, great. If not maybe it's time for you to grow up at 38 and look for someone who's done partying.

    Posted by Mrs. ex pot head June 18, 09 11:21 AM
  1. Wow. She's a white collar professional who is high every day? And she drinks a lot. Wow.....you find this attractive? You find you really want to spend time with her, even with you being the age of 38, and she being 27? Dump the girl, find someone else who doesn't need enhancements to get through her day, smoke, liquid or otherwise.

    Posted by CandyGirl June 18, 09 11:24 AM
  1. One of the tenants in my building, who's around 30 years old, smokes pot on an almost daily basis - I smell it when passing her door every afternoon. It would lead me to believe that she, as well as your girlfriend has an addiction that they aren't likely to quit for anyone. Addicts need to quit because they want to, not because someone else wants them to. My advice would be to cut your losses and move on now before you fall any farther for her.

    Posted by Unsure Tenant June 18, 09 11:24 AM
  1. Sounds like your GF's habit is a response to stress. Your over-drinking is, too.
    Quitting the combustible herb is a lot easier than putting down alcohol, physiologically, especially when alcohol is consumed daily. There are serious withdrawal issues for alcoholics who decide to stop drinking but the effects of marijuana withdrawal are less well known. Those I have known who quit smoking pot were not at all harmed by the decision. They actually quit consuming
    vast quantities of nutrition-less junk food, too, as a result!
    Are you BOTH ready to clean the slate and start building a relationship without any intoxicants involved? That's the best way to find out if the relationship has wings and can fly on its own.

    Posted by Mari June 18, 09 11:25 AM
  1. The chance that you were both sober when you were together are not that great. So the real two of you might have never met so far. It is hard to kick the habit to begin with. Being with someone having problems will only make it worse.

    Posted by Won'tWork June 18, 09 11:25 AM
  1. It's funny all of the responses about her being an addict, how she will get caught buying or smoking pot. Come on, we live in MA where it's basically legalized, unless you're a complete idiot and light up in front of a cop. A few Sundays ago, I sat in a park in Cambridge along Memorial drive with some friends passing around a bowl for a few hours. Smoking a little pot is no different or worse for you than going out drinking.

    She will probably out grow the smoking in the morning thing, as I did. Now, I very rarlely smoke pot. Lots of people need to grow up, this isn't the 1950s anymore.

    Posted by walter cronkite June 18, 09 11:25 AM
  1. This is a huge turnoff. She needs to grow up. Socially once every couple months is one thing- but what is she 16??? I’ve got some friends that can’t speak in complete sentences because of tons of marijuana use. Contrary to popular belief marijuana can be quite addictive and a determent on daily life.

    Good advice by Meredith. Tell her how you feel. You don’t have much pull until you are together for months and months. BUT… It’s a win-win. Either she limits her use. Or you dump a stoner.

    (cue: all the stoners telling you to give her a break)

    Posted by yep June 18, 09 11:26 AM
  1. This is not good. Unless this woman wants to stop/cut down on getting high, she won't. It can't be someone else's idea.
    My sister just got divorced. My ex brother-in-law got high pretty much every day of their 20-year marriage. She kept thinking he'd "outgrow" this when they got a house/had kids etc. Well, he didn't. They have four kids. The youngest has medical issues that cost them a lot of money they didn't have. That made it even harder for him, with the stress. Now he has to show up for random drug testing or he can't have the kids for visitation. The writer should not go down this path!!

    Posted by KS June 18, 09 11:26 AM
  1. "The morning stuff is especially upsetting. The fact that she can�t face work without a wake and bake is troubling."

    It doesn't necessarily mean she "can't face work". If you're hiding from problems, weed is generally not the way to go. Thats what OC's are for. My guess is she thinks work is more fun if she smokes.
    If weed really changes who she is, and you don't like the different version of her, then break up. It's not like she's going to start stealing from her grandma to fund her weed habit.

    Posted by Jim June 18, 09 11:26 AM
  1. recoveredinna where you ''addicted'' to pot probally not since it has zero physical
    addictive properties and what was your experience? bet it was a poly addiction
    man and do you have some nerve to be passing your moralistic hog wash around
    and come clean was it percs or coke or crack or smack or booze people like you
    with your holier than thou attitudes make me sick

    Posted by toxictom June 18, 09 11:29 AM
  1. More people smoke pot than you'd like to believe. Professionals, pink-collar workers, blue-collar workers...all types and all kinds.

    If you don't like her smoking pot, then get out. Otherwise, you aren't going to change her.

    Posted by shelly June 18, 09 11:30 AM
  1. This is very simple...you shouldn't be with anyone based on how you think they COULD be if they changed. The reason to be with someone should be based on how they ARE. If her vices aren't something you can deal with, then she isn't the person for you. End of story.

    Posted by Kathleen June 18, 09 11:33 AM
  1. I smoke pot every day and make over $300,000 a year. I'm also physically fit and have a clean bill of health. Apparently, according to a number of you, I'm also a drug addict. Have I smoked pot before going to work before? Sure. Do I do it everyday? Definitely not. Do I think I would be more successful if I didn't smoke pot? Absolutely not. I'm in my late twenties and do not plan on quitting my smoking habbit any time soon. Some people prefer a drink at a bar after work and I can appreciate that. Me... I prefer my kush, my roor, a nice steak, and the comfort of my own home.

    Posted by toallyouhaters June 18, 09 11:37 AM
  1. I'd rather be with a pot head than someone strung out on anti-depressants or what ever other cocktail the DRs are dealing these days. I mean talk about changing personalities! At least with the pot you see the real person SOMETIMES. With these prescription meds, do you EVER really know the person? Just because it's prescribed by a doctor doesn't make it safer or any less addicting. If a couple of joints a day help vs a couple of Prozacs, what's the difference really?

    Posted by raf69 June 18, 09 11:39 AM
  1. I think we all need more info- are you officially bf/gf? It sounds like a casual dating thing from the way you described it. Also, you said you brought up the issue, but to no avail... what exactly did she say? Did she acknowledge she is addicted? Did you say that she just likes to smoke and she doesn't want to change? This sounds like way too much drama for what seems to be a casual dating thing going on for a few months. It's going to be hard for you to cut back on your drinking if you're dating someone who drinks and smokes all the time. I'd say cut your losses now, and get help for your drinking issues, if that's what you think you need.

    Posted by Nancy Reagan June 18, 09 11:40 AM
  1. Honestly is it such a bad thing? Do we all have to be sober all the time? It's not like she's hurting anyone and why are you writing into a newspaper for advice on this subject? I am always hoping that the stigmas behind smoking the ganj would just fade over time as people tried it and maybe realize how harmless it truly is. You know if anyone I was dating came up to me and told me that they didn't like the fact that I smoke I'd be more than willing to bring out a laundry list of my own dislikes of their habits, and saying that to a woman is especially dangerous since now your going to have to deal with stuff you did wrong years ago. It's just not a can of worms that I'd be interested in opening. If you don't like something about someone you either have to get used to it or just drop the relationship. In conclusion stop complaining, you're 38 and still single dude, take what you can get and enjoy the fact that she has something to help her be a little more chill because by the sounds of it she has been high the whole time you've known her and if she stops smoking she may just become your worst nightmare.

    Posted by Ryan June 18, 09 11:40 AM
  1. I've been through this!!! I used to be an extreme pothead. Smoked everyday from about 14 to 23 yo. My college GF smoked with me and it was fun for years. After college I just outgrew it along with our friends and figured I better try to get serious about a few things. I drink on weekends and smoke maybe twice a year. She would not stop blazing everyday and eventually found a group who would blaze with her. I didn't like her new friends and it eventually ended a relationship that had lasted about 4 or 5 years. Her new friends were dropouts and losers who still thought they were 17 and eventually graduated to harder drugs. She evantually became one of them. Biggest waste of brains and talent!!!

    Posted by Beantown13 June 18, 09 11:41 AM
  1. A long time ago, I married a guy who was more of a stoner than I realized. I never liked his habit, but it wasn't till after we had been married a while that I found out he smoked every day. No wonder he had trouble holding down a job. I asked him to quit. He did. That's when the angry, jealous, BPD side came out full force. Thank goodness for civil divorce.

    Someone who's toking that often is most likely self-medicating for something. If she's not willing to treat it properly, run. Now.

    Posted by gidgetcommando June 18, 09 11:42 AM
  1. Either continue to date her and deal with her weed or don't date her anymore. You don't have to change anything, you shouldn't expect her to. I smoked weed for a long time and still occasionally buy a bag, then pretty much smoke the whole thing inside of a week. I do this maybe twice a year. I used to smoke every day. Mornings, noons and nights. The only reason I cut back was because I just stopped liking it once I hit thirty or so. I broke up with a long tiime girlfriend because she wanted me to quit. Weed is not an evil drug, it is fine for those who are in to it. Sounds like she is. Eventually maybe she won't be. But if you force her to quit, she will always resent you.

    Don't listen to the people who tell you to run fast because she is a stoner, that is their hangup. Trust me, when she is ready to quit, or cut back, she will do it on her own accord. Few people smoke pot for their entire lives. Don't be "that guy" who is trying to make her "an honest woman." She is who she is.


    Posted by Reformed June 18, 09 11:44 AM
  1. I think some folks here are confusing the issue a little bit.
    It's not a matter of whether what she is doing is legal, moral or right. It's that He is thinking it may be time to grow up a little and She is not. Hence the incompatability.
    DudeGuy is probably on the money that this is more about age difference than recreational drug use.

    Posted by DrK June 18, 09 11:44 AM
  1. I stopped smoking weed because my then boyfriend, now husband did not like it, or me high. Remarkably it was really easy to do, at least for me. I did not want to be a doper for life, and I was in love. Worked for us.

    Posted by Adele June 18, 09 11:45 AM
  1. You're dating a party girl and an addict. She's too old for this kind of behavior, but then again, look at you! Dude, you're like 40, and you admit you party like a college kid. If you're ready to grow up - great! It's a little late and all, but at least you've finally gotten there. Start by ditching the girl, moderating your alcohol intake, and finding a grown woman who shares your outlook on life and doesn't have all the maturity of an 18-year-old. All you're doing right now is wasting time and delaying your own personal development.

    Posted by Rae June 18, 09 11:45 AM
  1. Does she look like Mary-Louise Parker? Then deal with it...

    Posted by YOU June 18, 09 11:48 AM
  1. this chick sounds pretty cool to me, if you can't stand the heat get out of the kitchen!

    Posted by OGguy June 18, 09 11:49 AM
  1. #57 - in my situation I definitely think my ex is an addict. I enjoy a beer or two some nights after work and maybe during the afternoons on the weekend. I could have dealt with him smoking this much pot. No biggie. When you compare pot with alcohol it makes the addiction more obvious. Imagine waking up and having a beer, having another beer after breakfast (and every meal), taking a break from doing something once or twice to have a beer, cracking open a beer every time you get in the car, etc.

    Posted by beenthere June 18, 09 11:52 AM
  1. #34DudeGuyKidDudeGuy666: What is your problem and what is this fake "thou shalt not date anyone more than 4 years older/younger than you" rule? You keep posting this over and over again. Four years is totally arbitrary and not (necessarily) creepy -- stop imposing your fake judgment on people for this.

    Posted by dude get over it June 18, 09 11:53 AM
  1. All the "marijuana activists" say pot's not addictive, so she should be able to just kick it anytime she wants.

    If you aren't married to her, don't have kids with her and have only known her a few months .... then move on. Sooner or later you're going to get her pregnant and then it's going to be a real nice situation for everyone.

    I can't stand the stink of pot or cigarettes. It's absolutely repulsive. I don't know how people can lick an ashtray/bong.

    Posted by K June 18, 09 11:53 AM
  1. I'm a 29 year old male, with a great job, a great wife, a great family, I exercise daily, eat healthy, invest wisely, I have plenty of friends and fun... oh btw... I smoke weed daily. Grass can change your mood not your personality.
    She is who she is, why don't you leave her harmless...that's right...harmless recreational activity alone and take a closer look at the big picture.
    To the rest of the haters... take a toke and relax!

    Posted by You'dneverknow June 18, 09 11:54 AM
  1. @toallyouhaters
    Can I have your #? ;)

    Posted by Sally June 18, 09 11:55 AM
  1. "Sometimes love stinks".

    Indeed.

    Posted by weed reek makes me vomit June 18, 09 11:56 AM
  1. Tell her to grow up and do coke like an adult

    Posted by John June 18, 09 11:57 AM
  1. I love all the fearful comments regarding pot. Isn't Massachusetts the land of live and let live? Didn't Massachusetts recently approve to decriminalize small amounts of pot? So which is it? A socially acceptable harmless pastime? Or the debilitating relationship killer some of you feel it is? I have always found it amusing that in a society devestated by alcohol abuse, drunk driving deaths, domestic abuse fueld by alchohol, we are so fearful of a naturally growing weed. When is the last one of you men smoked a joint and woke up next to a fat chick? How many times do you see a fistfight breakout while people are smoking pot?By the way it has been years since Ihave imbibed. Most grow out of it.

    Posted by John Diamond June 18, 09 11:58 AM
  1. @toallyouhaters -- "you don't get high off your own supply"

    Are you making that $300K dealing?

    Posted by R June 18, 09 11:59 AM
  1. Everybody is different, but what starts to irk me are the people who claim that anyone who has daily or near-to-daily use of marijuana is self-medicating. My fiance and I vaporize or smoke almost every day, never before going to work (not appropriate, in my book), and have a wonderful relationship. We never hide anything from each other, have great jobs, never forget our nieces and nephew's birthdays, etc etc. We don't smoke when we travel to visit our familes over holidays and such, and don't miss it in the slightest. We drink a glass of wine or a beer every other day or so, because we love good wine and good beer, not because we're alcoholics. Granted that doesn't work for everyone, but just because some people aren't responsible doesn't mean that everyone who uses daily is an addict or self-medicating. Hell, I have a cup of coffee every morning - does that mean I'm self medicating with caffeine?

    The bottom line is, if her habit really bothers you then this relationship is not going to work. True, the morning use before work I find to be a bit much, but that's simply because I know I could not function in my busy office setting if I were high. I would also like to know what you mean when you say her personality really changes when she's high. As someone above stated, I know a lot of people that smoke and I've never seen someone's personality completely shift. Not that it doesn't happen, but those are folks that most likely ought not to be smoking anyway.

    Posted by ralshies June 18, 09 12:00 PM
  1. toallyouhaters - I hear Ricky Williams smokes pot a lot and makes a lot of money. I'm sure he would be less successful without it. Like Pat Tillman. I'm glad you make so much money. We can all congratulate you.

    Press - If you're 38 and want to improve yourself....do it BY yourself so you can actually be a man. Easy said, tougher done.

    Posted by swfoutsida June 18, 09 12:00 PM
  1. You're dating a party girl and an addict. She's too old for this kind of behavior, but then again, look at you! Dude, you're like 40, and you admit you party like a college kid. If you're ready to grow up - great! It's a little late and all, but at least you've finally gotten there. Start by ditching the girl, moderating your alcohol intake, and finding a grown woman who shares your outlook on life and doesn't have all the maturity of an 18-year-old. All you're doing right now is wasting time and delaying your own personal development.

    Posted by Rae June 18, 09 12:01 PM
  1. Toxictom, you completely made Recoveredinna's point. Nicely done. Put down the pipe before you comment, then maybe it will make some sense. It's not very effective to call someone out like that when you can't even use spellcheck.

    Press, this is a tricky one...but my sister is in a similar position with you, and it's been six years. It's not going to change. Unless you are extremely tolerant and want to be with someone that does drugs several times a day, then walk away.

    Hoss, great advice as usual:)

    Posted by sm1231 June 18, 09 12:02 PM
  1. I personally don't smoke nor do I care if people do (as long as they can keep it in check.) Like drinking there is a time and a place for everything. In the morning before work to get the day going isn't the time or place. It would be like chugging a beer or two to get going. Not a good idea to go to work high or drunk even if just a little.

    On the professional side, whether I agree or disagree with laws they are what they are and she and you could both be asking for lots of trouble you really don't want.You could do yourself serious harm. I'd say until she can better regulate herself I'd walk away for now before you get in too deep.

    Posted by badidea June 18, 09 12:02 PM
  1. Everyone is different, so whether she is or is not an addict, or whether she will or will not quit - I can't tell you. But I'll share my similar experience. I married a man that smoke multiple times a day every day. I left him two years ago, after being together 8 years, and now looking back I can't believe I didn't leave sooner. I asked him to quit pot, and he did, cold turkey. But as others have suggested, he really was just an addict, and soon replaced pot with heavier and heavier drinking. Sure, someone can be successful and a normal contributing citizen while constantly high, but my reasons for not wanting to be with someone like this anymore were as follows: It is really tiring and degrading after awhile to be with someone who can not bring himself to be with you intimately without being high or drunk. It is tiring to be with someone that hs no real emotions, doesn't experience ups or downs, is just always - high and mellow. It got really tiring to lie to friends and family and always have to hide . I started to want children, and wondered what that environment woudl be like. then, like others have suggested, you become responsible for her - if you get caught with pot in the house or the car, its your problem too. I doubt she will changefor you and if she does, she may resent you for it. My husbnad once told me "You took away everything that was fun in my life". Meaning the pot, and then, sking hiim to tone down the alcohol. There's other fish in the sea, why be with one that can't enjoy being with you without needing assistance.

    Posted by KP June 18, 09 12:11 PM
  1. If this guy doesn't know enough to quit this girl on his own without asking for advice, he is in BIG trouble because he hasn't a clue what goes into making a respectable wife and mother. Who, in their right mind, would ever marry a drug addict unless they were absolutely DESPERATE! Drugs are EVIL and will destroy relationships. Move on!

    Posted by wobecky! June 18, 09 12:13 PM
  1. Dump her...she sounds like my kind of women! I have smoked for years, have a great job family, and completly enjoy life. Weed is not the best thing in the world, but what doesn't kill you? I say, if she is not your type, drop her. I'm sure that putting pressure to stop her is going to put her off anyways. Maybe then I can date her! ;-)

    Posted by ChrispyCritter June 18, 09 12:14 PM
  1. Dear toxictom...I am actually a physician who works primarily with drug addicts.
    Hope to see you in detox soon.
    recoveredinaa

    Posted by Anonymous June 18, 09 12:16 PM

  1. Wait a minute!! Were really missing the important facts to the story. Meredith your usually somewhat right but seem to always give the safe answer try not to be so politically correct and spice things up a bit everything is not always cookie cutter. 1) On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is she? (you should probably ask a friend because your view might be on the high side. (Ha ha get it)) anyway 7.5 to 10 you let it slide she is a lot younger (which is an entirely different topic that I think you need help with) but this will probably pass or at least slow down just give it time. 2) Does it effect the sex life? Yes? Lets be honest anything under a 8.5 get rid of her. 3) Meredith and some other readers are correct whats it been like 6 months what exactly are you falling for? Get a grip man! And if it was love at 1st sight the pot and drinking wouldn’t matter light up buddy have some fun if you didn’t like it you would already be gone. And 4) What bars does she go to we need to take a closer look at the situation :>).
    FJR

    Posted by F June 18, 09 12:19 PM
  1. Who here thinks that leaving someone because they smoke weed everyday is about as shallow as leaving someone because they have become fat?

    Posted by Jeffval June 18, 09 12:21 PM
  1. my husband smokes a little every night, but never before work (he has his limits, you know). similar to Still There's husband, mine uses it as his anti-anxiety medication. yes, it is self-medicating, but i don't see it as any different than a prescription for ativan or prozac from the doctor. it bothered me at first, and i had similar thoughts as others who have written using the 'addict' card - but the bottom line is that it is a lifestyle choice, it is important to him that he is choosing to treat his anxiety in his own way, it doesn't alter his personality in a negative way (i like when he's happy), and it has not negatively impacted our relationship, so i don't see it as an issue anymore - but, it did take me about a year to get to that point. that said, if it is an issue for Press that he cannot get over or used to, then he has an obligation to discuss it with his girlfriend and be prepared to leave if he does not get the answer or response that he needs.

    Posted by Chimichanga June 18, 09 12:21 PM
  1. And i said,
    "no, no, no, no, i don't smoke it no more,
    I'm tired of waking up on the floor.
    No, thank you, please, it only makes me sneeze,
    And then it makes it hard to find the door."

    Posted by v June 18, 09 12:25 PM
  1. In the words of Daniel Tosh, smoking weed is fine when you're like 14, but tell her to grow up and do coke like an adult.

    Posted by Joes June 18, 09 12:25 PM
  1. Pot is the least harmful recreational substance available-since the beggining of time -man has chosen to use substances to relax/socialize-its about the persons personality-her heart-and people who smoke pot actually are decent people

    Posted by Anonymous June 18, 09 12:26 PM
  1. A dragon lives forever but not so little boys
    Painted wings and giant rings make way for other toys.
    One grey night it happened, jackie paper came no more
    And puff that mighty dragon, he ceased his fearless roar.

    His head was bent in sorrow, green scales fell like rain,
    Puff no longer went to play along the cherry lane.
    Without his life-long friend, puff could not be brave,
    So puff that mighty dragon sadly slipped into his cave. oh!

    Posted by valentino June 18, 09 12:27 PM
  1. Dump her. Sounds like she's needs the reefer to have a good time, and you don't. You'll never be able to afford the food bill. You might hang in a bit longer though it she's really hot.

    Posted by Mansfield Dude June 18, 09 12:29 PM
  1. I suggest all you people who are so afraid of pot watch Super High Me. It's a documentary that a comedian, Doug Benson did. He is a regular pot smoker. He went to his doctor and had a clean bill of health check up. No long term damage. So he quit smoking for 1 month. He took IQ tests, sperm tests, memory tests and of course, was checked out by a doctor. After the month, he smoked pot everyday all day for 30 days and had the same tests done. He scored higher on his IQ test, his sperm count was up and his doctor said he was healthy. The only thing was his memory, and that was barely impacted.

    I agree, she probably doesn't need to smoke before work. But if she wants to come home and get high, or get high on the weekends, what is the differance then drinking after working and during the weekends...nothing...

    I had my doctor tell me should would rather have me smoke 3 joints a day then 1 cigarette a week..that goes to show you. All this anti-pot propaganda is leftover bs from the early days...get over it..leave her alone...and if you don't like, leave...she will be better chance without you.


    Posted by pot smoker and proud June 18, 09 12:32 PM
  1. What's her cell phone, I need a bag

    Posted by bill June 18, 09 12:34 PM
  1. most of my friends smoke and i see nothing wrong with it. many of them are more productive when they do so! anyway, this girl needs to find a guy that excepts her for who she is and isnt looking to change her....she is young and enjoying herself!

    Posted by roxy June 18, 09 12:35 PM
  1. Someone could certainly quit smoking pot for a relationship, if they really want to. When someone smokes that much weed they are using it to change or control their mood and as a coping skill/medication to cope with anger, depression, anxiety, etc. To quit it she will need to develop new and hopefully healthier coping skills either with help or on her own. You need to decide based on your conversations with her whether she is worth the wait, what the odds are she'll quit, and what personality/mood features and issues might surface once she stops medicating with weed. Maybe she will think you are worth it and quit or cut down or maybe she wont.

    I smoked almost every day from 17-25 or so and then it trailed off from there to only a few times/year now for fun. I feel as though I matured more after that time and developed better and healthier ways to cope. There is nothing wrong with smoking or drinking socially but when you are doing it everyday and possibly risking your job, its not social anymore and there is something going on.

    Posted by sexual chocolate June 18, 09 12:36 PM
  1. The question I see is ~ does she actually want to quit or do you just want her to quit? If she has no desire to quit then your question is answered and I would end the relationship before too much time is invested in it.

    Posted by Rocky June 18, 09 12:38 PM
  1. i smoke weed everyday too. so what? i'm smart, fun, cool and i smoke a lot of pot. so the f#@$ what? let's leave the 50s where they should be "leave it to beaver".

    Posted by jerry garcia June 18, 09 12:39 PM
  1. #69 - If someone was to drink that many beers on a consistent basis, although it would be strange, it would not necessarily make that person a raging alcoholic. Addiction comes when reliance on a substance changes your life. For example, if I didn't show up to work because I needed to go meet my dealer, than I would have a problem. However, if I felt like smoking pot every hour on the hour because I enjoy being high and it doesn’t affect my work or my personal life, that's my choice. I'm not trying to equate pot use with alcohol -- they're completely separate. My point is that people enjoy different things. If a person who enjoys pot and dates someone who is against smoking than there are going to be issues. If you date someone who loves heavy metal and you can’t stand the stuff, chances are you’re not going to go to many concerts together. But.... does this person’s love of heavy metal mean your relationship is doomed? I should hope not. Relationships are about sacrifices. If you had a problem with your ex's pot use it was probably because you didn’t understand it. Did he treat you differently when he was smoking? Did he neglect you because of his smoking habits? Perhaps, but I doubt it. Pot just doesn’t have those effects on people. My guess, you felt that he smoked too much and you didn’t like it? By the sounds of it, your ex really enjoyed smoking (alot) and it was too much for your liking. Was he unwilling to make a sacrifice for you? Definitely. Was he a drug addict? Nope.

    Posted by ilikegreen June 18, 09 12:39 PM
  1. Sorry, Meredith, she's not "self-medicating." Doctors prescribe medication. She's a drug addict.

    Posted by Martell June 18, 09 12:44 PM
  1. Everyone is completely overreacting to this. If you don't agree with her smoking pot then leave, its that simple. A 38 year old guy should not be surprised to see a 27 year old woman who smokes. Get over it, pot is a part of life in this day and age, in fact it was just decriminalized in MA, its not even a criminal offense! It's not something that should be of concern with a relationship unless its directly causing problems (like if she eats all the oreos as muchies and doesn't replace them, big no no) . But seriously, if someone wants to break up over smoking weed, that person can't mean that much to you, eventually everyone stops smoking, unless you're snoop but i feel like thats a work related activity anyway.

    Posted by Ryan D. June 18, 09 12:46 PM
  1. Just say no.

    Posted by pb June 18, 09 12:46 PM
  1. Everyone is completely overreacting to this. If you don't agree with her smoking pot then leave, its that simple. A 38 year old guy should not be surprised to see a 27 year old woman who smokes. Get over it, pot is a part of life in this day and age, in fact it was just decriminalized in MA, its not even a criminal offense! It's not something that should be of concern with a relationship unless its directly causing problems (like if she eats all the oreos as muchies and doesn't replace them, big no no) . But seriously, if someone wants to break up over smoking weed, that person can't mean that much to you, eventually everyone stops smoking, unless you're snoop but i feel like thats a work related activity anyway.

    Posted by Ryan D. June 18, 09 12:47 PM
  1. What an interesting post. . I am a white collar married man with a successful man. I am a pot smoker some refer to me as a "pot snob" as I will only smoke very very good pot and I am not ashamed of this one bit. In fact I travel to Amsterdam once a year for the Cannabis Cup.
    When my wife and I started dating it was made very clear to her that I would not give up my pot smoking just because she says she wants me to. If I there were existing health concerns, well then I would consider. However I would probably just start baking cookies and brownies as I do on occasion now. This is a personal choice I have made and my wife has accepted this. That said I do NOT wake and bake as it's not exactly the best way to start a day in my opinion, nor will I smoke at work. In this economy and job market the very last thing anyone needs is to lose their job over something as silly as pot smoking.
    It seems as though your GF is smoking a bit more than most if us “heads” out there, however we tend to slow down. My only suggestion to you is that you discuss the possibility of her smoking in the evenings or weekends while avoiding smoking before work. You can also siggest she wait to smoke until after a certain time of day as that is very common amongst pot smokers. Another thing you need to take into consideration is how much is she smoking, and how much is she spending? If the girl is wasting all kinds of money buying her pot and smoking a lot all at once then she may need to consider reeling things in a tad.
    While the next suggestion might seem crazy it is an option. If she was to smoke higher grade pot, she would need less to get high, thus eliminating her constant need to smoke. If she is already smoking a ton of high grade…well then she’s doing herself absolutely no go what so ever as she is just building up tolerance and will probably move on to something else like alcohol.
    Lastly, you need to get over the fact that you might change her. In the long run if the two of you end up together and she tells you she has quit…I’m sure she will just smoke behind your back. So basically my message is to get over it. It’s only pot!

    Posted by White Collar Smoker June 18, 09 12:49 PM
  1. Just Say No!

    Sorry, had to do that.

    Posted by DrK June 18, 09 12:49 PM
  1. On come on people, its not about the pot. If he thougth he could do better he'd already have dumped her and found someone else. There is a lot of great women out there that don't have a pot/drinking issue that are beautiful/great sex.... You are only attracting in someone who you matches how you feel about yourself. Clean up your own act and I bet someone else (better perhaps) shows up in your life.

    Posted by cav June 18, 09 12:49 PM
  1. I have a "white collar" job and working in one of those really, really tall buildings downtown...I also have an MBA. Isn't that weird? I wasn't trying to brag about how much money I make. My point... people who smoke pot daily (like me) can have very enjoyable/sucessful lives (like me).

    By the way, Ricky Williams was an uneducated moran who wasted his talent. He also happened to smoke pot.

    Posted by toallyouhaters June 18, 09 12:49 PM
  1. relax and toke up with her

    Posted by Matt June 18, 09 12:52 PM
  1. As a Doctor, I feel obligated to mention that pot smoke is as likely to cause cancer as cigarette smoke.

    Posted by DrK June 18, 09 12:53 PM
  1. well i'm 28, n a stoner as well but i have a job and can't revolve my life around mary jane. obviously she's not smoking for recreation only so get to the root of the problem. pot does make the mundane more interesting tho i will admit. definitely address the situation asap before it gets worse.

    Posted by j m June 18, 09 12:53 PM
  1. Since you being a sissy, Can i get her number?

    Posted by Nick June 18, 09 12:54 PM
  1. me and my gf will every few weeks smoke for a couple days. its always like an end of the day thing after work and the gym. we just have a good time and joke around. i have cut back dramatically since college ( 5 to 10 times daily). I did not experience any withdrawl or anything. I think it is very easy for certain people to judge what they dont truely understand. I dont think you should try to change her, thats what she enjoys. mayb she could tone down the wake and bake only for the sake of her job. i dunno thats just me.

    Posted by chris June 18, 09 12:54 PM
  1. Toallyouhaters- Making 300k per year is pretty common these days which has nothing to do with smoking pot everyday. There are plenty of millionaire actors and singers who shoot dope.. Does that make it ok?? So get off your perceived high-horse and add some value to this conversation.

    With that said, I think pot is pretty harmless and I bet after she grows up, gets married and have kids she’ll be miss prim and proper.. Stay with her and enjoy the fun ole man.

    Adam from Wellesley

    Posted by Adam June 18, 09 12:54 PM
  1. hey sm1231 as usual pompous self righteous jerks like yourself can only make
    points about spell check it shows where you are coming from if i had known that the lack of spellcheck in my submission would make you go off like that i would
    have used it but to you and the addict never been an addict or detox because i'm
    not a weakling like the both of you self righteeous ( NO SPELLCHECK AGAIN)
    jerks and recoveredinna why would i see you in dextox do you live there

    Posted by toxictom June 18, 09 12:54 PM
  1. #70 "dude get over it"... sorry to hear that suffer from the same utter lack of reading comprehensions skills that all my other critics do. I could care less about the actual age, I said +/-4 years is "MY" personal rule (use whatever gauge you wish). You are obviously to brain-addled to see the trend in this column's posts, that all of these guys who have relation ship woes are dating girls 6+ years younger than them; sorry, facts are facts, as the saying goes "Opposites Attract, but Likenesses Last". So... GFY!

    Posted by DudeGuyKidDudeGuy666 June 18, 09 12:57 PM
  1. And if you think it doesn't affect your cognitive abilities, re-read some of the posts by admitted smokers and count the grammatical and spelling errors : )

    Posted by DrK June 18, 09 12:58 PM
  1. LOL "not for medicinal purposes"
    Yes, it is for medicinal pruposes! She's smoking to alleviate stress and anxiety. She's doing it in a hollistic manner, will no ill side-effects except for the munchies.
    Ever known someone on REAL anti-anxiety medication? Talk about a change in personality.
    My husband does the same thing. I prefer the way he is when he smoke than the way he was on those pills. The side-effects of those were terrible.

    If you can't take the heat,s tay out of the kitchen. If you don't like it, leave.

    Posted by Noel June 18, 09 12:59 PM
  1. I would be more upset if she smoked tobacco. The drinking is worse than the pot. You got a younger girl, enjoy her.

    Posted by WildMan9 June 18, 09 01:00 PM
  1. Been there done that! I'm a 35 year old male that dated a female "pot head" a few years younger. This was about 7 years ago. We hung out last year and she is still single and still very high! You can do better! Unless you're into that... but "the last thing I want is my girl going out every night gettin blunted" Good Luck!

    Posted by Donger June 18, 09 01:00 PM
  1. I'd like to know how this is any different than taking Prozac? If you don't like her on weed, and you say she smokes all the time...then what do you like? Not her. Smoking pot IS her. It helps her. It doesn't impact her "white collar" job, its now not even illegal to possess in this state. So really, YOU aren't accepting of HER and that equation does not equal a happy relationship.

    You need to move on so someone who will love her for who she is can come into her life.

    Posted by krystyn June 18, 09 01:06 PM
  1. Hello... dummies? Smoking or getting caught with pot will not ruin your life. It's NOT A CRIMINAL OFFENSE to smoke it or possess less than 1 ounce. In the words of that Napoleon Dynamite character… “Idiots!”

    However, I do agree that smoking all day every day is not really very productive, maybe once or twice a week if, like me you ARE a professional. Honestly, I say gives her till her 30's. That's the age where pot starts making you more paranoid then relaxed anyway. I'm sure she'll grow out of it, though she sounds a little immature.

    And Rico, 2 things – First, though I do enjoy reading your posts sometimes, you can be really annoying. I am a cyclist also. I rode my bike to work for over 20 years adding up to thousands of miles in the rain, snow, sub-zero temps and extreme heat. Who exactly are YOU to make judgment calls? If I want to drive a damn car to work in my old age I will damn well do so! Second, back when I was in my 20's I smoked tons of pot, was a black belt in martial arts and would have most likely kicked you butt on a bike!

    …damn kids today

    Posted by Why are we here? Because we're here, Smoke a Bone! June 18, 09 01:06 PM
  1. Hey dr k it's a web page posting not a thesis for a Phd so who cares
    obviously you and 1231 have a holier than thou look on life

    Posted by toxictom June 18, 09 01:07 PM
  1. Tell her to pass the bong and take advantage of her high.

    Posted by chilled greese June 18, 09 01:08 PM
  1. This relationship just isn't going to work out. The guy should leave this no-good girl who likes to smoke pot and forget about it. Please advise her name and phone number. I feel the need to help her work through this difficult time in her life...

    Is this guy for real? She doesn't have a problem. He has the issue dealing with it. Stop trying to change her.

    Posted by Ryan June 18, 09 01:10 PM
  1. Addictive personalities are always difficult for those who don’t display those character traits. For her, the social and emotional advantages of smoking pot are more important than your relationship. Age is subjective: 27, 37, 47…there’s no set age when people will grow up. I think you’re ready for a big-boy relationship rather than some hottie on the pottie. It will be easier than explaining to your folks that her eyes are red because she’s an avid reader.

    Posted by valentino June 18, 09 01:10 PM
  1. HMMMMMM... that is EXACTLY what I've been searching for in a woman... is she cute? Can you PLEASE cut her loose and send her my way? Sounds like marriage material to me...

    Posted by jake June 18, 09 01:13 PM
  1. If you don't think pot has lingering effects, wait until you go to your 25th "high" school reunion. You can easily pick out the kids who wouldn't /couldn't give it up/grow up.

    I agree, the LW should connect with TNTBJ...sounds like a match made in heaven.

    And I think Hoss talks about his sexual exploits so much, it makes me wonder if he is really a virgin. I'm just sayin'.

    Posted by yikes June 18, 09 01:15 PM
  1. #116 DudeGuyKidDudeGuy666 -- If you actually read my message instead of spending time spouting off more fake rules, you'll see that I didn't imply that you said anything about actual ages, my question to you is WHAT IS THE DEAL with your FAKE +/-4 years rule?? You spout it off everywhere but you don't have any actual information or reasons for this rule so it is not useful and totally off topic. I get that it's YOUR RULE but why do you need to go on question on this board and JUDGE people as "CREEPY" for not adhering to YOUR rule???

    Posted by dude get over it June 18, 09 01:15 PM
  1. #116 DudeGuyKidDudeGuy666 -- If you actually read my message instead of spending time spouting off more fake rules, you'll see that I didn't imply that you said anything about actual ages, my question to you is WHAT IS THE DEAL with your FAKE +/-4 years rule?? You spout it off everywhere but you don't have any actual information or reasons for this rule so it is not useful and totally off topic. I get that it's YOUR RULE but why do you need to go on question on this board and JUDGE people as "CREEPY" for not adhering to YOUR rule???

    Posted by dude get over it June 18, 09 01:15 PM
  1. If you think that the only way to save a relationship is to make someone change a habit they had before they met you, then your relationship is already doomed. Move on and find someone who doesn't need a crutch like pot to get through the day. It might help to find someone closer to your own age.

    Posted by horrifying June 18, 09 01:18 PM
  1. #101 - I'm not against pot at all. I smoked with him on the weekends and occasionally after work. I liked getting high with him occasionaly. My issue was his need to smoke right when he got up and throughout the day. I don't want to date someone who needs to smoke. I've dated social smokers in the past without any issues. I never told him to quit - I didn't want him to resent me. It just got to be too much.

    I want to be with someone whose sober personality is fine without getting high.

    Also, 10+ beers a day = alcoholic (in my opinion of course)

    Posted by beenthere June 18, 09 01:19 PM
  1. Dump her. She's a loser and a lost cause, sorry to say. And wait until she ages a bit, when all the damage the drugs have done to her brain and health will become painfully apparent.

    Posted by Ken Jenkins June 18, 09 01:21 PM
  1. Run away, far and fast.

    I had the same issue over alcohol with a girlfried, I was too dumb, got married, wasted 10 years of my life and thousands of dollars.

    There are too many women out there that I cannot imagine you can find another without these troubles.

    Posted by Thad June 18, 09 01:26 PM
  1. Dude get over it and DudeGuyKidDudeGuy666. Can you take your cat fight outside?

    Posted by Sally June 18, 09 01:26 PM
  1. I've searched all my life for a woman like that.

    Posted by respectable420 June 18, 09 01:27 PM
  1. The issue is not that she smokes pot (that's a smoke-screen), the issue is that there's *incompatibility* in terms of what you want in a relationship at 38, and where she's at. I'd also like to know what exactly do you mean by - "About six months ago I met a girl that I am starting to really fall for." - what traits did you fall for? Was she funny, witty, kind and smart; or was it just the rush of blood to your loins when you saw her (not that there's anything wrong with it, just that a relationship based solely on physical attraction runs out of steam)? Have you discussed with her that you've fallen for her and want to settle down and make babies with her? Maybe she has different goals than you do.

    The two options that are available to you would be to tell her what *your* expectations are regarding the relationship, including the frequency of pot-smoking and hope that she agrees with you; or move on to someone who is compatible with your idea of a relationship. At six months and the way you describe it, it doesn't seem like you two are bf/gf, or that the relationship is a serious one.

    BTW, those who drink one glass of wine or beer on a regular basis are at the same level as those who puff the dragon regularly. It's just that alcohol addiction is more socially acceptable and has less of a stigma attached to it, though there's not much difference in terms of addiction or health and social issues related to the two, and if someone looked at the two objectively, alcohol would likely come out worse.

    Posted by The Dude June 18, 09 01:28 PM
  1. To all you fools who say "in your 20's its embaressing" yadda yadda...my question is this do you drink alcohol? do you drink coffee? really how old are you its a bit ridiculous. dont you think?
    p.s. get off your high horse, the drugs i mentioned are much worse than pot.

    Posted by josh 26th June 18, 09 01:28 PM
  1. #126 "dude get over it " - Again you prove your intolerably low IQ. The key issue is not some arbitrary age rule. The key issue is that all of these guys are "Creepy" Pathetic LOSERS, whom can't find a mature sophisticated attractive woman their own age; then when one of the two lovers "grow-up" and the relationship fails for some various reason, they act all confused (it's like someone buying a rattlesnake and then asking "why did I get bit???"). I've gotta go kick some puppies now, c'ya!

    Posted by DudeGuyKidDudeGuy666 June 18, 09 01:28 PM
  1. I sound like your chick - I'm in my late 20's, am a professional, and smoke almost every day. The first time I smoked pot i was 14. I have never, not once, done any other drug of any kind, and have absolutely no desire to. My pot smoking habits change all the time, depending on my life situation, who I'm living with, if I'm dating anyone, etc etc. I have gone through phases of not smoking at all, and phases of smoking a lot every day. I am successful, healthy, happy, and completely functional in society.

    But I have NEVER smoked in the morning unless on a weekend. Smoking before going to work IS a problem. Someone mentioned in an earlier post that it is a coping mechanism of some sort. That could not be more true. So I would say instead of addressing the pot using habits, help her figure out what is behind the morning use. Evening and weekend use is more recreational. Morning use before work feels more like she "needs" it to me. So I would start there. Find out why she has to be stoned in the morning, what is she afraid of facing? Her pot smoking obviously isn't the problem. The problem is whatever is causing her to feel like she has to be high all the time. Even if you get her to quit lighting up, the underlying issue will still be there, and she may replace smoking pot with something more hurtful, whether it be booze or prescription drugs or other drugs. Finding the source of her need to smoke will go a long way in helping her lessen her habit, and it will also show her that you care about what's really going on.

    Good luck!

    Posted by maryjane June 18, 09 01:28 PM
  1. When you dump her let her know I'm interested?

    Posted by Steve June 18, 09 01:29 PM
  1. ...Yeah JenKins. You really told him! It's painfully apparent that you probably had a really restricted childhood and never got out much. Hope you make a lot of money, because as we all know, you can take your money with you when you die right? Right?!?

    Posted by Annoyed June 18, 09 01:29 PM
  1. I love all the "pot-heads" react. You can never critize pot. It is the best things in the world. Yeah right.

    Not doing any harm going to work high? What if she was a bus driver? a nurse or doctor?

    Yes it is not physically addictive but it is psychological. If you can't get through something without have pot (or aything else) then you have a problem

    And no I don't drink, smoke, do drugs. I hate coffee and do not have caffine in my diet. I have a sweet tooth but if I don't have something sweet in a day I am OK with it

    What is so wrong admitting that someone can have a problem? That drugs and chemicals are not for everyone.

    Oh, yes. You can get arrested for smoking pot on the street. Possession is no longer criminal, the use of it still is


    Posted by bbiii June 18, 09 01:30 PM
  1. Tell her how you feel about it and how you experience her when she's high. This will give her an opportunity to change if she wants to. Maybe she'll quit, maybe she won't, then you have to decide if this is a deal breaker.

    Posted by kate June 18, 09 01:30 PM
  1. "Hey dr k it's a web page posting not a thesis for a Phd so who cares
    obviously you and 1231 have a holier than thou look on life"
    Posted by toxictom June 18, 09 01:07 PM

    toxictom, I'm sure the world would be a much better place if we all had your attitude. Thanks for clearing things up for us. You are a true advocate.

    Posted by DrK June 18, 09 01:31 PM
  1. You can't change her, she has to want to for herself, and she just might like living her life in a haze. As others have mentioned it is a self-mdicating process, she might have some underlying issues, perhaps depression?
    I dated a guy who was like that and I felt like I never really saw who he truly was, I felt like I was never really "with" him. Just makes a relationship that much more complicated and I think relationships are already complicated enough with out adding that onto it. Your best bet is to try and help her if she needs medical help but to move on emotionally and find a more stable partner to date.

    Posted by JW June 18, 09 01:35 PM
  1. Here's advice I had to learn the hard way. People come to you the way they are. That is them. When you meet them and get a chance to find out about them (as you are doing), that is when you make decisions of whether that person fits with you as a person. You're asking if it's possible for her to change? Well...it's possible; but it's also possible (and more likely) that she won't. If SHE hasn't been inspired to change before meeting you, then you can't hold any expectations for any change of behavior. She may be a very nice person that you enjoy spending time with and drinking with, but if you're falling for her and know this is a deal breaker, then you need to be straight up and tell her that you're unable to date anyone who has a weed habit. That IS the truth...so be honest. It's not even being judgmental...it just IS. We all have to know what our dealbreakers are with regards to smoking, drinking, drugs, how they respect people, work ethic, sense of humor, whatever. If you are true to who YOU are, then you won't have dilemmas of wondering how and when a person will change. That's not the way to live your life. Keep her at arm's length, be friends from a distance if possible, but move on with your life and find someone you care about that you don't expect to change.


    Posted by bklynmom June 18, 09 01:48 PM
  1. All this talk of self-medicating is crap, maybe she just likes to be high, it feels good, it makes everything better, it makes food better, it makes movies better, it makes sex better. Addiction is a myth (especially to pot, bongs take all the addictive shit out), if she really wanted to quit she would, therefore she wouldn't be addicted. If you want to push her in the right direction give her an ultimatum to cut back - no wake & bake, no smoking after 10pm, weekly sober dates. If she can't hang with the bare minimum then kick her to the curb if its really buggin you.

    Posted by Dale Denton June 18, 09 01:48 PM
  1. There are many hot, young women out there who do not smoke weed.

    Posted by JustForComments June 18, 09 01:49 PM
  1. Not many cities drink like you do in Boston. Send her out here to California. She'll be fine.

    Posted by Maryjanesdad June 18, 09 01:52 PM
  1. Or, if he is clever and enterprising: he can get her even more haplessly addicted, convince her to work as a prostitute to pay for the habit, and collect his 50% commission as her "manager". Life gives you Lemons, you make Lemonade!

    Posted by DudeGuyKidDudeGuy666 June 18, 09 01:55 PM
  1. Get out of this today. She's never going to be the one. Party girls are fun but they are just right now girls and will never be more than that. You probably get along with her and she's fun and you never fight because she's cool but its mainly because she never "deals" with anything. It's all about "going to her happy place" to get away from reality. At 27 she's definitely old enough to have put this behind her. Sure people might still smoke up now and then on weekends or once a month for social use but every day is an issue. You'll always resent that couch potato down the road. Get yourself someone who's going to be more responsible and ditch this chick. You don't want the girl you can live with - you want the one you can't live without.

    Posted by 420 no more June 18, 09 01:59 PM
  1. Dude, you don't want a junkie for a girlfriend. Break up today.

    Posted by She's trash June 18, 09 02:04 PM
  1. We all self medicate in one form or another be it alcohol, prescription drugs, obsessive exercising, shopping, gambling etc...

    Posted by Joe June 18, 09 02:06 PM
  1. I read these posts almost everyday- and I've never felt so compelled to chime in. The gross lack of knowledge about pot from some of these posters is laughable. Drug addict? See you in Detox? Were you all forced to watch Reefer Madness one too many times? Get a grip people! Pot is less addictive than other "drugs" like coffee and cigarettes. I do find it interesting how heated some of these exchanges are, though. Look, whether or not you enjoy a little toke now and then is not the issue. This question comes down to one thing- Are you interested in this girl enough to accept as she is? Yes? Great. No? Move on pal, you can't change a woman to fit your needs.

    Posted by Dontjudgeme June 18, 09 02:08 PM
  1. I used to be a ward secretary at Mass General, one of the post ICU floors. Every nurse and doctor I knew was a pot smoker/pothead. They'd ask me to score for them because I was in college. Hmmm. That's some serious endorsement!

    Posted by Anonymous June 18, 09 02:11 PM
  1. Drugs are baaad Mmmkay

    Posted by S. Park Res June 18, 09 02:12 PM
  1. Thanks dr k for seeing my true brillance now don't you feel better

    Posted by toxictom June 18, 09 02:14 PM
  1. WHY would anyone want to date a person who smokes pot? Last year, I got back together with a boyfriend from the past. The second week, he told me that a few months before, he had started smoking pot everyday (he's in his early 50's). I immediately ended it. He obviously has a lot of problems.

    Posted by Anonymous June 18, 09 02:16 PM
  1. my advice is to get her work involved and they would take drastic actions by starting with a drug test and then detox and rehab and counseling and that is tough love. She will appreciate you in the long run for now she will be mad at you.

    Posted by samoy2e June 18, 09 02:16 PM
  1. I toke daily. Have since I was 14... Im now 26. If im feeling it, I will hit the pipe before work. I dont lose ambition... My sex-drive doesnt suffer... I am not a loser... I work 45 hours a week running a successful cellular franchise, commute entirely by public transportation, volunteer in the community, and host a locally owned business gathering once a month. Wake up people, times have changed. Im not the stoner living in my mothers basement receiving unemployment cuz I got laid off from the Dairy Queen... The average, mature smoker can have his cake and eat it to. I have quit for periods of time as needed for certain jobs, life and health insurance applications. My fiance (Just engaged tuesday!) does not smoke at all. We have been dating and living togather for the past 3 years, and while sometimes it can be a hot topic, its never come between the love we feel for each other. She knows if she ever looked me in the eye (bloodshot OR clear) and asked me to quit she knows I would not hesitate. BUT, although she may not love the fact that I do it, she understands its something I enjoy, and unless its negatively affecting our life/relationship, she wouldnt want to strip me of my own happiness habits. I hope my slightly different insight helps with your conundrum.

    Posted by lovestheganj June 18, 09 02:19 PM
  1. I finally told my doctor last year that I use the green fairly regularly, and she couldn't have been less interested. When I brought up smoking, she said, "you're not smoking cigarettes, are you?" I said no, just weed, and she just shrugged it off and kept scribbling notes on her clipboard. As someone who uses almost daily and still has a fulfilling and productive life, I still wrestle with my addiction (yes, I said it) and wonder how much longer I will use. Then I'll run into my friend and her mom, who is wonderfully intelligent and successful, and we'll all pass a doobie around.

    Listen, it's all about how you handle it...some folks just can't go through life without constantly feeding their heads for whatever reason, and others just like to have it around and can handle their s**t. You just need to figure out which one she is and then decide if you can handle that.

    Posted by Not Quite Chong June 18, 09 02:20 PM
  1. #152, toxictom: That's from South Park,right? LOL

    Posted by voiceofreason June 18, 09 02:23 PM
  1. I wonder how many of you herb-ignorant individuals light up a cancer stick (cigarette) EVERY morning of your chemical-shortened lives. Herb is a natural plant with a multitude of medicinal uses. Even if the pharmaceutical companies have successfully brainwashed most of you to the contrary. I'm glad the more educated, intelligent citizens of MA have decriminalized marijuana in your state. After all, according to most of you there is no way anyone who smokes pot could make it to the polling booths let alone understand how to vote. Moderation is the key.

    Posted by maryjanesdad June 18, 09 02:26 PM
  1. sorry to say it sounds like she is addicted and giving up the pot is not on her agenda - a late 20's professional? If she keeps this up, she won't be a professional for much longer.
    Offer to help her with addiction counseling, but then run far and run fast or she will take you down with her.

    Posted by linda June 18, 09 02:27 PM
  1. Call the cops on her, find out whose dealing and send them all to jail. When they get out, they can put some of that jail-knowledge to work and rob some banks. That's how civil societies do it. And the whole thing is so profitable! For everyone, thief, politicians, penitentiary folks. You can't wrong with that advice!

    Posted by Anonymous June 18, 09 02:28 PM
  1. Ok, so I’m about to be comment #155 on this question, which means I obviously haven’t read everyone else’s thoughts. If this point has already been made, then pardon the redundancy. That being said, it seems to me that everyone is forgetting to ask the most crucial question here: is this girl hot? My gut tells me she is which would explain why you think you’re “falling for her,” when you clearly despise a habit that is consistently altering her personality. If this girl is really getting blitzed out of her mind all day and night and it’s changing “her,” then who are you falling for? If this is ringing a bell at all to you, then my suggestion is this: keep banging her—because let’s face it, she’s eleven years younger than you and attractive (going off my earlier assumption). Don’t invest too much thought into it and maybe start hitting the bars with some of your buddies while she’s at home hitting the bong with a bag of chips and Judd Apatow. Who knows? Maybe you do really like this chick? Maybe you don’t. At the end of the day one thing will be clear: you’ll know whether you like banging her or being with her and that’s what it’s all about, right?

    Posted by Wes June 18, 09 02:30 PM
  1. I see one thing being missed in the "to pot or not to pot" argument in regards to interpersonal relationships. Okay, so for the "pro" side, it is insisted that no harm is done in any way shape or form to smoke it, so all is good, and that it is in fact better than hard drugs, alcohol, etc., etc. But here is a point that is being forgotten: the second-hand smoke factor. Personally, I don't give a darn who does or doesn't smoke pot, but don't do it near me, because I don't want to breath it in myself. No, I don't get angry or belligerant, I'm just stating that as my philosophy. In "real life" practice, I keep myself out of those situations. Thankfully, no SO has been a pot smoker while with me (and yes, I know this), but let me tell you, if I ever fall hard for a pot smoker I do have concerns how that would effect us as a relationship NOT on moral grounds, but on the grounds of what I choose NOT to inhale. And YES, before you get on high horses, this DOES include regular cigarettes, cigars, etc. But the subject here is pot, so let's keep it at that. I don't want to breath it, smell it, smell OF it, etc. (I actually happen to hate the smell of it, I find it to be an offensive odor.) So if your SO is smoking it so much that the amount of time keeping it AWAY from you is causing a rift in the relationship, yes that is a problem.

    So see? Even if it's not a moral good vs. bad for you issue, there are still other factors that can cause complications.

    Posted by Yeah Right June 18, 09 02:32 PM
  1. #157 actually never watched s.p

    Posted by toxictom June 18, 09 02:34 PM
  1. can i have her #?

    Posted by tay June 18, 09 02:34 PM
  1. Toxictom,
    I am not saying I care what you do with your life. The comment I made was that if the writer didn't smoke pot, then he probably shouldn't be with one that does if it's a problem. Not seeing where that is holier than thou, it's common sense. Would Rico be with someone that hated bikes???

    As far as what I said to you, what I meant was (and I'll say this clearly so that you don't mis-interpret it) I DO NOT UNDERSTAND YOU. YOUR WRITING MAKES NO SENSE. I understand that you are trying to make a point, but for the life of me, I cannot figure out what it might be. Seriously, re-read what you wrote and see if you can make anything of it.

    Posted by sm1231 June 18, 09 02:35 PM
  1. "Joe" #148 has made the most poignant statement yet: THE ENTIRE NATION OF USA IS ONE BIG BUNCH OF ADDICTS. Everyone I have ever met has an "Obsession" with something, whether it be: Drugs, Alcohol, Cigarettes, Coffee/Tea, Soda, Candy, Junk Food, Gambling, Sports Fanaticism, TV, Political Debate, RELIGION!!! Etc, Etc, Etc!!! This whole country is a cauldron of compulsive nutjobs, nobody should be judged for burning a little bit of plant life... Sheesh!

    Posted by DudeGuyKidDudeGuy666 June 18, 09 02:39 PM
  1. Some great riffs on weed and lifestyle today, but that is not the real issue here. Parenting is.

    Press, you sound like a good guy, but you are convinced, like a parent not a partner, that you know what’s best for this girl. Much better than she does. She needs some straightening out. You gave her a good talking to, and you’ve actually put her in time out. If she is a good girl, and does as she's been told, she can come out to play again.

    Let's stop right there for a minute. Regardless of the relative merits of what you've demanded of her, this is not healthy for you, or her, or the relationship. I'm guessing it's also not that much fun, either, since you’re writing in for help on what to do.

    And here's the really bad news. Even if she does as instructed this time, the basic dynamic will remain the same, and you'll soon identify the next thing that ain't quite right (apologies to Bobby Hill) about this too-young-for-you girl. You'll fall back into Wise Correcting Parent mode again. Age spreads like this one don't impair all relationships, but it does for a lot of people, and it's obviously a problem for you.

    My guess is that, in the back of your mind, you never really forget that you left for college before she left for elementary school, and that perspective fundamentally shapes how you relate to her. It doesn't make you a bad guy, but you trust your own experience and judgment far more than hers at virtually every turn. True, yes? That's more akin to parenting than partnering. Most successful relationships with big age differences, I'm guessing, don't operate that way. Regardless, it will certainly drive both of you nuts -- probably her before you -- and ultimately kill whatever good this relationship had going for it in the first place.

    Maybe this young girl should smoke less, or drink less, or change political parties, or do a dozen other things differently. She'll figure it out. She was smart enought to date you, after all. Forget the parenting thing for now. Maybe chase down a woman your own age, and do the partner thing instead. It's actually way big fun to have your significant other be the smarter, more experienced one. Well, half the time, anyway. ;^)

    Posted by Anonymous June 18, 09 02:39 PM
  1. She's not for you. Move on.

    Posted by skippy June 18, 09 02:39 PM
  1. POT will always, without a doubt, be more important to her than YOU.

    You will never know what her true personality is if she is always high.

    It's your move but I would discuss your concerns, tell her she's self-medicating, whatever semantics you like and then both of you decide if your blossoming relationship is worth saving. If not, find someone your own age. The 20s are when you party your ass off and eff up a storm. The 30s are where you get your shtuff together. YOU sound like you have your shtuff together. Keep it that way...

    Posted by Amazed June 18, 09 02:40 PM
  1. I thought “hookah” was just the way that Teddy Kennedy gets a date.

    Posted by cagey June 18, 09 02:41 PM
  1. "WHY would anyone want to date a person who smokes pot? Last year, I got back together with a boyfriend from the past. The second week, he told me that a few months before, he had started smoking pot everyday (he's in his early 50's). I immediately ended it. He obviously has a lot of problems."

    That is the funniest shit I've read in awhile... you're a certified idiot.

    Posted by wow June 18, 09 02:42 PM
  1. Re, 158: it's not about health, it's about the need to alter one's personality on a regular basis. That's the issue from the original question.

    Posted by skippy June 18, 09 02:43 PM
  1. Take her to Provincetown Rocks!! It will put her in such a spiralling depression that she won't do anything ever again!!

    Posted by Martin RiffRaff Doyle June 18, 09 02:43 PM
  1. Being a stoner doesn't make her a bad person, but it does mean that perhaps she's not the one for you. I would follow Meredith's advice and if she is at the point in her life where she is ready to ease up on this, great! If not, at least you tried and you can move on. I know a guy whose wife smokes everyday and it is a huge source of contention for them...she actually picked up the habit after they were married and won't give it up. He thinks it makes her a lousy wife and mother and prevents her from addressing her depression with therapy and real medication, she thinks it harms no one because she does it after the kids are in bed. Not a good situation - if you resent it now and she won't give it up, you've gotta move on.

    Posted by Jen June 18, 09 02:43 PM
  1. It’s the rage among high school and college students. They think because it is flavored tobacco that travels through water that it is safer than smoking. It’s not. There is also a real concern about how well the equipment is cleaned between uses. Our favorite restaurant just began offering it after 9PM to help boost their business. Kids begin lining up about 8PM. I doubt that the apparatus gets much cleaning at all. However, I don’t like seeing cities banning it. It does need oversight for cleanliness, however.Even then, the bars could seek an extension for another 10 years.Based, of course on their level of contributions to the RAT party and personal greasing of the mid-level apparatchiks

    Posted by Joiseydude June 18, 09 02:43 PM
  1. AND- For the people (Dr K.) who argue its worse for you than cigarettes, I say show me the proof! For every government sponsered study that shows the "Negative" and "Cancer Causing" effects, there are dozens done independantly that show absolutely no link to cancer from pot smoke. Would a doctor that knew regular pot use caused cancer, prescribe it to.... CANCER PATIENTS to help them cope with the nausea and pain of chemotherapy?? Argue it til your blue in the face, but for cripe's sake can we stop with the anti-weed propaganda?

    Posted by lovestheganj June 18, 09 02:44 PM
  1. AND- For the people (Dr K.) who argue its worse for you than cigarettes, I say show me the proof! For every government sponsered study that shows the "Negative" and "Cancer Causing" effects, there are dozens done independantly that show absolutely no link to cancer from pot smoke. Would a doctor that knew regular pot use caused cancer, prescribe it to.... CANCER PATIENTS to help them cope with the nausea and pain of chemotherapy?? Argue it til your blue in the face, but for cripe's sake can we stop with the anti-weed propaganda?

    Posted by lovestheganj June 18, 09 02:45 PM
  1. It’s the rage among high school and college students. They think because it is flavored tobacco that travels through water that it is safer than smoking. It’s not. There is also a real concern about how well the equipment is cleaned between uses. Our favorite restaurant just began offering it after 9PM to help boost their business. Kids begin lining up about 8PM. I doubt that the apparatus gets much cleaning at all. However, I don’t like seeing cities banning it. It does need oversight for cleanliness, however.Even then, the bars could seek an extension for another 10 years.Based, of course on their level of contributions to the RAT party and personal greasing of the mid-level apparatchiks

    Posted by Joiseydude June 18, 09 02:45 PM
  1. I'm 28 and have a lot of the same habits as this girl. I say you break up with her and give her my number. Plus I need a good connect. Things are pretty dry right now.

    Posted by Mr. Nice Guy June 18, 09 02:47 PM
  1. Everybody is effected by weed differently. I used to smoke a few times a day for well over a decade and then decided to stop. I don't smoke anymore but seriously, if the girl wants to blaze up let her. I wrote before how I went through this with a girl when I stopped blazing but if you ask people to change so you can be together guess what, you're not supposed to be together. Maybe this guy should try dating someone in his age range. People are going to get high and if they're dumb enough they will move on to harder drugs. I lost a lot of friends to the H and and we all started with weed. It's their life. If people want to get high let them. They won't change for you anyway.

    Posted by Beantown13 June 18, 09 02:50 PM
  1. Wow, hey deuchebag do you know how many men would kill for a girl like that? Maybe you should date my girlfriend and I'll take her!

    Posted by givemeabreak June 18, 09 02:51 PM
  1. Did anybody stop to think that maybe the problem isn't with her because she smokes, but with him because he doesn't?

    Ahhhhh, you see what I did right there? I just blew your minds.

    Posted by Ldog June 18, 09 02:52 PM
  1. Hey man, if you can't handle it let me know...sounds like a good woman to me...

    Posted by Joshua June 18, 09 02:53 PM
  1. You are too old to deal with this man. I assume you're looking for marriage and the rest of it. Once I got to a certain age (about 27) I started to think of the woman I was with as a mother of my child. I got married at 33 and am glad I waited and found the right person. Can you image this pot head as mother to your child?! Run man.

    Posted by TJR June 18, 09 02:55 PM
  1. Man.... weed is from the Earth! God put this here for me and you...... take advantage man..... take advantage!! ("I'm in love with Mary-Jane....")

    Posted by Smokey June 18, 09 02:56 PM
  1. "Oh, yes. You can get arrested for smoking pot on the street."

    NO, you CAN'T. SOME communities have passed ADDITIONAL FINES to punish public pot smokers, but arresting ANYONE will find that police officer and his department in quite the lawsuit!

    EDUCATE YOURSELVES BEFORE YOU CRUCIFY YOUR NEIGHBORS.

    Posted by Phil M June 18, 09 02:57 PM
  1. never ever EVER get in a relationship expecting the other person to change. it ain't gonna happen. its actually kinda rude of you to assume she will/wants to change, love 'em or leave 'em -- its good advice.

    on another note - i know plently of women (mid-late 30s) in high-powered posititions & they smoke ALL the time. they're smart, successful, make boat-loads of money & have no reason / desire to curb their enthusiasm for pot. to the people who think her attitude towards drugs will change as she "grows up"? don't count on it.

    Posted by polly June 18, 09 03:00 PM
  1. In my experience, you can't change someone who doesn't want to change herself. If this is "who she is" and "what she does" then there's nothing you can do about it. And if you try to change her, she'll probably end up resenting you and will end the relationship eventually. You have to accept a person for who she is and that means accepting what you may not like. If you can't do that, get out of the relationship. Obviously if pot smoking bothers you, then you should not be with someone who smokes pot. Bottom line. My gf smokes on as regular a basis as she can, but she gets her stuff done and lives a very productive life. I don't smoke but who am I to say she can't if it doesn't interfere in her or our life. My advice is to find someone you have a commonailty with and don't continue with this charade of a relationship.


    Posted by lil mama June 18, 09 03:05 PM
  1. What business is it of anyone elses what we do in our own private time? Honestly what we put into our own bodies should be our decision as long as it doesn't harm anyone else. I don't mind OUIs and things like that cause they are actually meant to protect the public but right now half these comments are people that have never done anything deemed illegal and just throwing their opinion out there because they want to believe their opinion matters in this world. Guess what, it doesn't. Don't use the whole cancer excuse because at the rate we're going everyone is going to have cancer at some point in life. The whole crime relationship only exists because some lawmakers have decided to put a naturally occuring plant along side drugs that can actually take your life. Honestly how many of you have actually tried any other schedule 1 drugs? Not many I'd be willing to bet because if you had maybe you'd realize that there are much worse evils in the world and those are the real addictions. I don't have a problem with weed which as far as I have seen has never in itself ever hurt anyone however the pain medications and countless other prescription drugs produced out there are far more intense highs. I don't remember the first time I smoked weed but I will always remember perks and oc because those were just amazing experiences and those are the drugs that actually cause addiction. I have seen what real addiction is and it has always been booze, pills, coke and heroin that I have seen and those are the things that really kill people and are dangerous to society at large. But to call this poor girl an addict because this guy says she smokes everyday is a gross overstatement. I'll respect your opinion on the matter when you show me a pot addict that can not physically go a day without smoking if they need to, show me a pot head that goes through REAL withdrawals vomiting, sweating, and delusional fevers. It doesn't happen so just stop using the word addict if you don't know the extent of what addiction means. Smoking to escape your past may not be the most noble thing in the world but drug addiction shouldn't have even been mentioned by the commentors on this article. Maybe if the government would take marijauna out of the schedule 1 drugs and allowed realistic testing of it we would all be more educated (especially DrK who likely has no reliable source for his cancer remark as the government strictly controls tests on pot and has been rumored to not allow tests to be preformed that may show any positive side affects to reefer)

    Posted by prphaze June 18, 09 03:06 PM
  1. Dude, you really have to focus on what YOU want. When you picture your ideal relationship, do YOU picture a girlfriend who smokes pot every day? Don't you think that POT will get in the way of taking your relationship to a more serious level? If you don't know the answer, it's an unequivocal "YES". Anyone who spends their time half baked does not know how to truly deal with their own lives, their own selves and others. I have eliminated people from my life who smoke pot, simply because they are not "there" in the true sense of the word. You are worth more than some half baked girl...you are deserving of a full, rich and devoted relationship. And you will only have that when you determine what it is YOU want from it. Maybe someone closer to your own age/interests? Best of luck.

    Posted by SoxFanKK June 18, 09 03:17 PM
  1. #141 is right on.

    It's not so much about the weed itself, it's whether or not the LW is compatible this girl's lifestyle. Don't try to change her. Just let her know that you aren't compatible with a smoker.

    I've had several laughs reading some of the anti-pot responses. It's hilarious how uptight people can be. Thanks!

    Posted by rebs June 18, 09 03:18 PM
  1. You will never have true intimacy with someone who is constantly under the influence. If that's enough for you, then, you get what you pay for.

    Posted by anonymous34 June 18, 09 03:19 PM
  1. Oh man...too bad she couldn't be addicted to Grilled Cheese Sandwiches!
    Does she get "the munchies" when she's high?
    Could be a keeper!!

    Posted by smokeyourboyfriendinstead June 18, 09 03:20 PM
  1. well said #178 well said

    Posted by toxictom June 18, 09 03:21 PM
  1. Give her my number

    Posted by captain June 18, 09 03:23 PM
  1. Just for today this blog should be known as "To Bong Rip or Not To Bong Rip", as we have clearly got off the topic of love.

    Posted by Meh June 18, 09 03:23 PM
  1. Look, she has to want to quit, and it doesn't sound like that's too high on her list of priorities. Which means you are not either because she hasn't changed her behavior when you've asked.

    But, her escapism or addiction or whatever it is seems to work for you. Sounds like you have someone who will drink the way you do, too. How convenient.

    You don't know who "you are falling for". Who is she when she's not smoking marijuana or drinking more than socially? Who really knows? I don't know, let's have another drink.

    Seriously, water seeks its own level. If you want to drink less and be with someone who can actually be present, work on your own stuff first. Now that is time well spent!

    Posted by yupokay June 18, 09 03:24 PM
  1. You say it changes her personality, but you don't say how. You also say that you are starting to fall for her, but she smokes pot all the time. So what are her good qualities versus her bad qualities when she's high? And to all you buzz kills on here saying how a "professional in their late 20s shouldn't be smoking pot," blah-blah-blah, why exactly is that? There are plenty of people who smoke pot who are also responsible members of society. "White collar professionals" to all you yuppies. And FYI, pot will soon be legalized.

    Posted by Happy June 18, 09 03:25 PM
  1. A bit of the ganja is perfect in moderation, but this girl sounds like she can't handle reality (or a half-empty bag of Funyuns). Drop this girl like a roach clip and find a chick who can handle her smoke in a more useful manner.

    Posted by Jimmy Somerville June 18, 09 03:25 PM
  1. well said 177 n 178

    Posted by j m June 18, 09 03:26 PM
  1. I bet you never thought there would be so many potheads out there who could read. Like my professor used to say: when the Buddha spent 6 years meditating without food, he subsisted on a single hemp seed every day. No wonder he thought he was in Nirvana. God grows pot. People make alcohol out of rotten plantlife. Who would you trust?

    Posted by Anonymous June 18, 09 03:27 PM
  1. Cardinal rule - if the success of a relationship depends on a radical behavioral change, the odds are overwhelming that it's not going to work. Is there the rare exception? Sure there might be - ultra rare - but you're playing against the house on this one. The house will win.

    This is a hard learned lesson on my part, I know what I'm talking about. Give her a shot, explain your concerns. If she's not interested in changing, or only half hearted about it, get out fast and find someone a little more compatible with you.


    Ceej

    Posted by Ceej June 18, 09 03:30 PM
  1. Right on Ldog # 171!

    Posted by puffdaddy June 18, 09 03:32 PM
  1. "All this talk of self-medicating is crap, maybe she just likes to be high, it feels good, it makes everything better, it makes food better, it makes movies better, it makes sex better. Addiction is a myth (especially to pot, bongs take all the addictive shit out), if she really wanted to quit she would, therefore she wouldn't be addicted. "
    Posted by Dale Denton

    This is the most ridiculous, uneducated post the world has ever seen. This guy is out there somewhere on the streets. WOW.

    Posted by sexual chocolate June 18, 09 03:37 PM
  1. Just throwing it out there, chicks that smoke and can still function (as this girl clearly can if she wake and bakes and has a job) are hot.

    Posted by the toastmaster general June 18, 09 03:39 PM
  1. And the problem is....? Clearly this chic's pretty hot otherwise you would have told her to take her weed elsewhere after the 1st time she clambaked the bathroom. Ten year difference is a lot, so try to put yourself in the mind of a modern day late 20-something, in a world where weed is more acceptable than ever. Either spark it up or release her to the wild...throw me her digits MON!!!

    Posted by Jak Brown June 18, 09 03:39 PM
  1. Sign her up for the next season of Intervention on A&E. It seems like every other episode is focused on someone from Boston so why not one more stoner.

    Posted by Anonymous June 18, 09 03:43 PM
  1. Oh boy. Everyone up in arms about the weed. I'm a 37 year old, married, full-time director level position professional, with 2 children who smokes pot. I've been doing it since I was 18 (of course not while pregnant) and it is something I LOVE to do on the weekends when I am relaxing and hanging out. My husband does it too. Frankly, I'd rather smoke a joint than get drunk. You don't get sick (EVER) & you are way more in control of yourself. For those of you that think pot is a gateway drug, to me the only gateway it lead to was the fridge/snack drawer. Listen you are either cool with it or you are not. And by cool with it that means you don't have to smoke it up, but cool with it in the manner that it's OK that you do, but I chose not to.

    Smoke 'em if you got 'em

    Posted by ilovetheweed June 18, 09 03:44 PM
  1. Last week my husband and I were discussing a former work friend of his. This woman is in her early 60's and is just like the woman you are discussing. She can't go a day without pot. I told him I thought of her. So some people don't stop.

    Posted by too cute June 18, 09 03:45 PM
  1. Pot takes over everything. I've been married 24 years, have 2 teen-agers, my husband and I both have Bachelor's Degrees, and we were married at 19. I still can't get him to stop. Men with no education at his job are now his boss because he has absolutely no ambition in life except when his next bag is coming in. I don't think we can afford our children's college. One GREAT thing though (ha ha) it makes him horny and hungry all the time. One more PLUS for an under paid, uncaring, unmotivated, forgetful, wasteful, loaded spouse.

    Posted by renee June 18, 09 03:47 PM
  1. hookahs ! It used to be called a “water pipe” which is often smoked in the Mideast. I’ve heard that it’s gotten popular with college kids and I have seen them for sale around here. If I’m not mistaken, the water also cools the smoke. I had no idea they were called “hookahs”, though. I’m so un-hip. LOL

    Posted by twigs June 18, 09 03:47 PM
  1. they’re from Egypt. This restaurant is Afghani.
    All you anti-smoking zealots open your eyes...
    YOU are next.
    We can hang together or hang separately.
    All Hail The Nanny State


    Posted by Joiseydude June 18, 09 03:48 PM
  1. Kill a baby in the womb, you have that choice,
    but don't dare open a cigar bar to enjoy a cigar with other like-minded adults. ping!

    Posted by coolbreeze June 18, 09 03:49 PM
  1. Drinks at Top of the Hub,
    Dinner at Abe & Louie’s then after dinner time at the cigar bar...
    .leave it to the Boston City Council to Jack-Up the tried and true routine!

    Posted by gabz June 18, 09 03:50 PM
  1. I'd continue to hit it while looking for new territories to conquer.

    Posted by MC Hammer June 18, 09 03:53 PM
  1. The menu’s bizarre and lengthy description of the “one-night stand ” described in detail how to get a female date drunk, apparently to take advantage of her. “Ask for the menu like you’ve never been here before,” the description in the menu said. “Get her to drink glass of wine and you stay with the non-alcoholic Egyptian beer. ... Get the shisha [a hookah pipe] started and order a couple of more drinks. Make a good impression, kiss her on her cheek, walk to the door, look on your left, grab a package [of condoms] and good luck.”

    Posted by foster June 18, 09 03:53 PM
  1. Ok, I must admit that I feel like a bad girl when I smoke the shisa. But, I also feel chic. Very very chic. I smoked the fruity pebbles with some sweet ass yelpers the other night. It is such a different thing to do, I just feel very happy and R E L A X E D. I never smoke cigarettes, I love the smell of pipes and I really love the smell of shisa. Ok, I did ask the server if the milk that is put in the pipe was skim. I got a chuckle from my group, but I was serious. The very sweet server told me it is whole milk because that's what they use and it was great to blend with the fruity pebbles. I did even try a fried oreo, which tasted exactly like a donut to me. That is a good thing. I can't wait to return to Nile.

    Posted by melissa June 18, 09 03:55 PM
  1. The pros to this place are:

    A. Location
    B. Fried oreos

    Note that Hookah isn't on this list, despite Nile being a hookah bar. I smoke a lot of hookah, at home and abroad, and was not impressed.
    There were 3 key hookah bar elements that were lacking, listed in order of importance:
    1. Choice of good flavors and tobacco. Not only having unusual mixes, but having GOOD tasting unusual mixes, using high quality tobacco, and preparing the hookah to draw well and taste smooth... these are all aspects that a good hookah bar should have down pat and that Nile unfortunately did not.
    2. Seating. You smoke hookah to relax and enjoy yourself. Pillows and alcoves are best for a hookah bar, but at least having comfortable, non plastic chairs is to be expected. Again, below expectations.
    3. Food and drinks. These aren't essential for a hookah bar, but it's nice to have a good range of drink and food choices while smoking. The menu was disappointing, except for the fried oreos, which I've already mentioned.
    Overall, I would have no problem paying a premium for the relatively good location if they could get #1 and #2 right. If not, Nile is a great fried oreo lounge, accompanied by overpriced, mediocre hookah.

    Posted by dan June 18, 09 04:02 PM
  1. I'm no stranger to the hookah, and I'm no smoking novice. In my days I've enjoyed many, many, many a bowl, bong, joint, hookah, pipe, cigar, ciggie, etc... I loathe and am allergic to ciggies, but I still smoke the others.
    NEVER in my life have I felt so sick from smoke. I drew a few long pulls and loved the taste of the double apple. But then 15 minutes later, I got horrific waves of hot and cold flashes and thought I was going to puke. It makes no sense because I looooooooooooooooove to smoke the shisha, and I always get such a great high off it and feel nothing but chill.
    I really liked how the staff came around and adjusted the coals - you don't get that at other hookah places in Boston unless specifically requested. But that brings up another con. The staff is so busy smoking their own hookahs the entire time (which I would totally be doing the same if I worked here), you have to employ a distress signal to get their attention if you want or need something else.
    Some people are raving about how good the price was, but I disagree. For just $5 more, head over to Charlestown or Newbury Street (on a nice day) for much better ambiance. During the summer I will head to Kashmir, but any other time I will remain loyal to the fabulous atmosphere and smoke of Tangierino. The only Nile I'll return to is the one in Egypt.

    Posted by Nicole June 18, 09 04:03 PM
  1. wow...many people fell for the "war on drugs" farce from Nancy Regan.
    All prohibition on pot has done is the opposite it was intended.
    Didn't work in the 20's--hasn't worked for the past 30 years (prohibition, that is).
    Imagine the savings on emergency personelle, prison systems, the money that would be raked in by legalizing this ONE small and harmless drug. You could regulate it, you could tax it...holy cow-it would be JUST LIKE alcohol!

    Posted by wakeupandsmelltheair June 18, 09 04:05 PM
  1. What bar is that?

    Posted by roofie June 18, 09 04:06 PM
  1. 1. Could someone please list the negative aspects of marijuana use?
    2. Could someone please list the positive aspects of marijuana use?

    I'm curious what everyone has to say.

    Posted by justcurious June 18, 09 04:06 PM
  1. FRIED OREOS! SPICY KETCHUP! And oh yeah HOOKAH!
    Really fun place to catch up with some friends. Flavors range from fruity pebbles to some kind of apple with an actual apple piece on top. So i'm not exactly a fan of smoking but i'd come back every day for the fried oreos if my body didn't hate me so much afterwards.

    Posted by linh June 18, 09 04:07 PM
  1. 1. Could someone please list the negative aspects of marijuana use?
    2. Could someone please list the positive aspects of marijuana use?

    I'm curious what everyone has to say.

    Posted by justcurious June 18, 09 04:09 PM
  1. justcurious
    1. I know from a smoking cessation class that smoking (doesn't matter what) increases the carbon monoxide levels in your blood. Where there is fire, there's carbon monoxide. Additionally, the heat can scar your lungs and throat, but cancer hasn't been tied to scarring. It also causes tinitus (sp?), a ringing in your ears. Huh? What did you say? Lastly, it depletes your bank account like MFer.
    2. Seventh Heaven becomes the best show on television.

    Posted by Sally June 18, 09 04:14 PM
  1. I just don't understand how anybody can say that other people choosing to smoke marijauna is a "problem". Marijauna does NOT intoxicate people to the point that they become violent or lose control of themselves. It does NOT lower peoples inhibitions to the point that they go out and do something stupid.
    No, the only problem with marijauna is the fact that it is kept illegal and wrongly prohibited. The problem with marijauna is the fact that anti-marijauna laws allow violent gangsters to become rich and powerful, while non-violent cannabis consumers that do not pose a threat to anybody are locked up in cages and treated like criminals.
    The problem with marijauna is that anti-marijauna laws hurt the environment by prohibiting people from growing, cultivating, and using a plant that is BY FAR the most useful, and EASILY RENEWABLE natural resource on the planet.
    This causes more and more trees to be cut down each year. We only have about 1/3 of our forests left, and those trees are going quickly.
    The war against marijauna is the REAL problem. Anybody with a brain that hasn't swallowed the bulls*** propaganda that the government forces down peoples throat knows this.
    Legalization would reduce violent crime, boost the economy, be EXTREMELY beneficial to the environment, and, most importantly, restore basic rights to people to choose whether or not they want to use the most wonderful plant known to mankind

    Posted by danketh June 18, 09 04:15 PM
  1. I'm SOOOOOOOOOOOOO hungry now.

    Posted by Sally2 June 18, 09 04:15 PM
  1. must be a BIG problem with all the good bud ,hash and space cake, shrooms ,on every street. The Dutch colleges seem to turn out top students, of course maybe the "smart drug shops" off set the coffee shops. We should be so lucky!

    Posted by drfist June 18, 09 04:16 PM
  1. Negative:
    Illegal, puts me "out of pocket" for a few hours (don't ask me to install a door), it takes me 2x as long to do things as normal

    Positive:
    Heightened sense of awareness of everything (my mood, my mate's mood, the TV glow, the music, the food, the sunlight...), excercises a part of my brain that I don't exercise normally, makes the "ordinary" extraordinary.

    Posted by plus/delta June 18, 09 04:16 PM
  1. Alcohol abuse causes a lot of problems here, fights, domestic violence, rapes, car crashes, etc. If half the bars in Madtown were cannabis cafes, this town would be much safer and peaceful.The most dangerous thing about cannabis for students is it's illegality, which could cost them financial aid, if they get busted!The study is just more prohibitionist propaganda, no doubt financed by us taxpayers

    Posted by sbusters June 18, 09 04:17 PM
  1. Addictive personalities can be tricky, and believe me, you can be wicked addicted psychologically to weed. Often it covers up deeper problems, not always but often.
    IMHO of course. Good luck

    Posted by ace1957 June 18, 09 04:18 PM
  1. Kashmir no longer has hookahs due to MA laws.

    Posted by Noel June 18, 09 04:20 PM
  1. Well, she is addicted to pot. That's all.

    If she smoked a few times a week or just a bowl or two after work, it would be on par with having a beer after work, except probably better.

    I wouldn't ever ask her to stop completely. A little weed isn't gonna hurt anybody. It's a nice thing once in a while.

    And for those of you who say it's a "college" thing, I bet you still have a drink every now and then. Who are you kidding? Marijuana is a therapeutic tool if used properly. It sounds like she's abusing it, but things could be worse. She could be an alcoholic!

    Posted by Mikey "Insane" Monkeypants June 18, 09 04:21 PM
  1. First, the wake and bake is the best high of the day, hands down. Granted, I typically save my morning sessions for weekend days because I don't like being at work stoned, but still, there's no problem with it.

    Second, why would you want to start a relationship with a woman if she already has habits that bother you? Maybe after a bit of dating you could realize there are things about a person that bother you, but to consider entering into a relationship knowing you don't like the fact that she smokes weed all the time? That's ridiculous.

    I say move on, and please send me her contact information.

    Posted by malcolm June 18, 09 04:21 PM
  1. That's funny, poster #180, considering on the contrary, I'm always amused at how uptight the pot smokers are when the notion of not having access to pot crosses their minds. Anyone who needs pot to relax is far more uptight than someone who doesn't. Really, I'm not kidding...the ones who claim to need it to relax are the ones who are the most shaken to the core by stressful situations. I've seen it first hand. They call everyone else uptight then run to smoke pot ASAP. And you call NON pot users uptight? Hahahahahahahaha!!!!!

    Posted by Oh please... June 18, 09 04:22 PM
  1. Pass the cutchie 'pon the left hand side

    Posted by sj June 18, 09 04:23 PM
  1. Yeah, tell that to all the people i know who have an unbreakable habit of almost non stop daily use of marijuna. they are zombies all day long.
    GREAT STUFF – I think not !

    Posted by Anne June 18, 09 04:25 PM
  1. Have you seen the problems caused by an addiction to alcohol? (Alcohol is legal.) Have you seen the problems caused by an addiction to tobacco? (Tobacco is legal.)
    I’m sure that marijuana can be misused. That is not a reason to make it illegal.
    Read the post again: it recounts facts established by evidence and study.
    Look at the amount of money wasted in attempting (fruitlessly, for decades) to enforce marijuana prohibition.
    Think about it, rather than react emotionally. Gather facts and evidence

    Posted by leisureguy June 18, 09 04:26 PM
  1. Jen- "treating depression with real medication", LOL! Oh you mean the kind that causes weight gain and headaches, not to mention many other torubling side effects?
    Don't worry, soon doctors will be able to perscribe this too, so that people like you who don't believe something is legit unless it had a perscription label on it can let the rest of us live our lives.

    Again, just like if she was cutting her toenails on the table or left her clothes on the floor: People sometimes have habits you can't deal with. That's why you break up with them and find someone whose habits you can deal with.

    SO SIMPLE!

    Posted by Noel June 18, 09 04:27 PM
  1. What is her number? Can she get a good deal? Tell her to come to this board and contact me. I'd love to get in on her supply.

    Posted by Mikey "Insane" Monkeypants June 18, 09 04:28 PM
  1. negative - unmotivated, dead brain cells, uncaring (about spouse, children, job, future etc.), forgetful (birthdays, paying bills on time, turning off OVEN), unsocial (except when smoking with others)
    positive - hungry and horny all the time (even though they'll forget the last time they ate or had sex)

    Posted by renee June 18, 09 04:29 PM
  1. Jen #163,

    Why do you think that medicating depression with "real" medication is better than smoking herb?

    It sounds to me that she doesn't need that other stuff, which is more dangerous and more addictive. If pot is working for her, it sounds like she shouldn't go to Paxil or those other luxury drugs. I would never take that crap, but I would smoke the herb.

    Posted by Mikey "Insane" Monkeypants June 18, 09 04:30 PM
  1. Oh, we’ve already got lots of fabulous Weird Kids… this is the only city I’ve lived in that has a thriving circus-arts scene !

    Posted by shira June 18, 09 04:33 PM
  1. "WHY would anyone want to date a person who smokes pot? Last year, I got back together with a boyfriend from the past. The second week, he told me that a few months before, he had started smoking pot everyday (he's in his early 50's). I immediately ended it. He obviously has a lot of problems."

    .....Well, he has one less prolem now.

    Posted by Spice June 18, 09 04:35 PM
  1. delusion, a false idea of the band being in my bedroom, generated by the marijuana. I was trying to make sense out of what was happening, viz., the music sounding so great.
    delusion of thinking that it was hostility on the part of the young man in the car behind me, distorted perceptions of the cars on the expressway which induced further delusions of danger, and the perceptual distortion of feeling I would fall while teaching. Of course, it is possible I would have fallen had I not held onto something. Or, perhaps, I would not have
    experiences were very powerful and seem induced by marijuana. But, what is amazing, is that to this day I have a specific phobia involving driving on certain kinds of roadways, even though I understand what occurred while driving to my class on the expressway. Understanding alone is not sufficient to overcome the phobias. If I drive on freeways, expressways, or interstates, I feel trapped, and feel extreme anxiety.

    Posted by Eisenman June 18, 09 04:37 PM
  1. Hey Buddy - what negative effects? Like encouraging blood flow & brain activity? Were you planning on citing any scientific research or proof of your statements? Or should we just believe a recovering alcoholic who’s got swiss cheese for brains

    Posted by brandy June 18, 09 04:39 PM
  1. This DRUG has effected many many people. My Aunt lost her daughter to this drug. She is dead and it is all for nothing. If you aren’t stupid you would read this page and know that this is the truth!! and of course the people who do this drug aren’t going to believe and of it. They are going to get mad that scientist have found it is in fact bad for your heart and brain function. I know a man that has smoked marijuana for 10 years and he is slow to prosess things, memory loss, heart problems, and he has bad emotional problems. I think that this drug is sick. If you smoke it then of course you are going to disagree. this drug should never be legal

    Posted by korey June 18, 09 04:44 PM
  1. Hoooo Weee! Talk about “reefer madness"
    oh man. i love weed. i smoke it about every other weekend or so. it just affects me for a few hours. opens your mind and makes you feel great, i havent noticed any health risks yet. my grades have gotten better, just got a promotion at work. i can see how heavy usage can have a negative affect as does abuse of any thing known. keep that in mind.
    because… i’m totally fine. shouldn’t be illegal. never stops anyone. government can’t tax it. they dont care about you, they want your money.

    Posted by Missippi Hippy June 18, 09 04:45 PM
  1. God damn i smoke blunts big ones i like vapin my weed hitting the bong rollin spliffs I love eatin the damn stuff too. Hell my daddy said what grows out the ground must be good for you smoke trees till I sleep I like the crystals the most can’t imagine life without weed I smoke smoke all all day yipeeeeee! I love summers

    Posted by reemz June 18, 09 04:45 PM
  1. With Vaporizers on their way like the VOLCANO, and blunts being the best part (just rolling the darn things) I see a tremendous boost in our economy. Esp. for the dying and the ill.I vote Yea on Legalization for Hemp 100%
    the gov test on old and dead marijuana they burn stems,seeds,and dead plant and say look this stuff is bad hahaha yeah right

    Posted by aaron June 18, 09 04:48 PM
  1. Legalize it already! It helps me concentrate when I’m doing homework plus i have straight A’s in school. Weed doesn’t kill anyone except morons who do stupid #### when they smoke it.

    Posted by j2 June 18, 09 04:48 PM
  1. "You fell for her because she is 10 years younger, nothing more to talk about." Rico, you have an amazing ability to draw definite conclusions from minimal information. Tell me, is it difficult to peddle your Huffy wearing those big red shoes, rubber nose and curly wig?

    That being said, Press you're not going to change her. Smoking weed is kind of a lifestyle. Evidently, she likes to do things while high.....all the time. And if you're a partner who would rather not partake as often, it will all get old very quickly. Judging only from a similar experience I went through (including the age difference), the pot use made it much too difficult.

    She might be a great girl - and that makes it too bad - but self medicating doesn't make real fertile ground for any relationship. If she's not that receptive to what concerns you at six months, what'll it be like in a year? At 38 years old, cut your losses.

    Posted by Joe June 18, 09 04:50 PM
  1. I am a recovering alcoholic and pot smoker. I smoked pot every day (accept four days in the hospital for knee surgery) for twenty years. By far between alcohol, cigarettes, and pot, pot was the most difficult for me to stop. It is most certainly psychologically addictive and is actually much more potent then it was even ten years ago. This woman is an addict of this there is no question. Of course like those who have posted who are familiar with addictions she must decide on her own to stop and then it won't be easy for her. Although know being a Godly man I don't believe smoking pot is pleasing to God but I do acknowledge that for some pot will not be addictive. Again in this case she absolutely is.

    Posted by Henway June 18, 09 04:51 PM
  1. POKE SMOT!!

    Posted by JB June 18, 09 04:55 PM
  1. Your cousin didn’t die from smoking marijuana, its scientifically impossible, unless she was smoking 10o’s of pounds a minute. Either way people are going to disagree on this subject, but for you to say someone died from smoking marijuana is an out right lie, unless of course all the leading Doctors in the world are in the dark about this fatal overdose. As for saying marijuana smokers are slow, that’s ignorant, I’m a retired Electrical Engineer who has smoked this herb for over 40 years and it has not made me slow in anyway. Maybe you should give the herb a try before you bad mouth it. we’re all sitting in a waiting room waiting to die; why the f**k wouldn’t i want to be high?

    Posted by CaNXXNO June 18, 09 04:57 PM
  1. Have a friend who has been smoking pot since the high school days and believe me when I tell you, we are the original hippie generation. Anyhow,I stopped smoking pot after high school. I'm not totally for or against it but she is now a paranoid, f'd up, pickle-brained, whacko living her life in arrested development. We seldom if ever get together because when I am with her I feel like a just fell down the rabbit hole.
    Take from this what you will. G'luck.
    "Alice"

    Posted by A Dingo Ate My Baby June 18, 09 05:00 PM
  1. If she is waking up and baking then I find it hard to beleive she is holding down a job, let alone a white collar job.

    She is not long term material. In the short term if she is putting out enjoy yourself, but start looking for a replacement, you are not getting any younger.

    And by the way, you are way to old to be smoking weed. Grow up.

    Posted by aod June 18, 09 05:01 PM
  1. I too was in a relationship for a long time and was self medicating with pot.Then I met the girl of my dreams,at first I still smoked ( I was smoking 3,4 times a day).But as we grew closer I just ended up not smoking anymore,maybe I realized how great life is when you are with some one you love. give her a chance if you really care for her

    Posted by jim June 18, 09 05:02 PM
  1. negatives to pot: It still does introduce some smoke into your lungs, unfiltered. So there is some risk there, although I don't know if it's been documented. It's better through a bong or some sort of water piece. If you vaporize it, no problem. If you put it in brownies, definitely no bad health effects.

    positives: you get high as a kite and all of your stress melts away, it is relaxing, it's soothing, it's a nice little escape from all of your worries and fears and responsibilities for a little while. In some cases, it brings out more focus on some things or opens you up to different ways of thinking. After ripping out a few new licks on guitar under the influence of weed, I was impressed with myself.

    Posted by Mikey "Insane" Monkeypants June 18, 09 05:26 PM
  1. Wow, how shocking - a much older man complaining about a much younger woman he is involved withs behavior. Whats the matter, not mature enough for you? Hello! You're pushing 40, she's a couple of years out of college. This behavior will probably pass as she gets older, realistically, somoene working full time cant keep up that type of behavior past 30 or so and function - but you can do it and have the capacity for quick recovery in the 20's. So either suck it up till she outgrows it - or find a woman closer to your own age and cope with the same wrinkles and gray hair you have.

    Posted by northshore June 18, 09 05:30 PM
  1. It really doesn't matter whether she's an immature self-medicating addict or if you're an uptight herb-hater or whether pot is not so bad or the devil weed. The simple truth is that the two of you have radically different (and likely irreconcilable) values about alcohol and pot, and how one uses them. Pot is an intrinsic part of her life and you are moving away from it. Although you may care deeply for each other, a real relationship is probably impossible, unless one of you has an epiphany and comes around to a very different way of thinking.

    Posted by Nancy G June 18, 09 05:37 PM
  1. I'm just curious as to why anyone smoking pot in their 20's is an addict or loser?

    And what's with this social drinking stuff? I mean, i do like to drink socially. But I absolutely have no problem fixing myself a mixed drink or downing a six pack, 40 or whatever if I am sitting on my couch watching a movie, playing some Wii or doing homework

    Posted by Tony June 18, 09 05:47 PM
  1. Twigs (#200):

    "hookahs ! I had no idea they were called “hookahs”, though. I’m so un-hip. LOL"

    You never heard the Jefferson Airplane song, 'White Rabbit"? "Tell 'em a hookah-smoking caterpiller/ has given you the call."

    As for the L/W, I'd be more concerned about your heavy drinking.

    Posted by reindeergirl June 18, 09 06:25 PM
  1. ADVICE ! I used to be able to spell.Hmmm…Alice wonder what happened there

    Posted by stephanieebarr June 18, 09 06:44 PM
  1. Public intoxication is a crime, mostly because they are a danger to themselves and potentially others. There are docile drunks, but there are also mean drunks, you don’t know whats going to set a person off when their judgment is so limited. It’s a nice thought to try to save everyone, but honestly, sometimes to save someone they need to face the consequences of their poor decisions.

    Posted by The Inebriated Patron June 18, 09 06:44 PM
  1. I worked in a library at one point too, and thankfully never had to deal with a drunk man. I am however, a social worker/investigator now and I’ve met my share of sorry saps that can’t get their stuff together enough to get their children back. Lots of drunks, drug addicts and neglectful parents and if there is one thing that I have learned doing this for the past 8 years is that you can’t save someone who doesn’t want to be saved. Smart to kick him out because you had other patrons to consider, sad that he was drunk so early in the morning.

    Posted by melissan June 18, 09 06:47 PM
  1. The best thing Massachusetts has done in the last 100 years was effectively decriminalize marijuana. Hopefully, Obama might some day make that a national policy. That said, the chronic effects of inhaling smoke of any sort into the lungs will likely lead to a degree of COPD over time and an increased risk of primary lung tumors. As a practicing vetrerinarian for 22 years, I rarely diagnosed lung tumors in older dogs and cats, and never in middle-aged ones. the reason is that they never smoked.

    Posted by coelacanth10 June 18, 09 06:47 PM
  1. You can't make other people change.

    When it comes to drinking and drugs: trying to get someone else to stop never, ever works. The only way she is going to stop is if she wants to, for herself

    You should approach her about it, but I would say the chances of her suddenly stopping, just because you are concerned about it, are very, very slim. But it's worth a try.

    we know the people who keep the party on, through high school, past college, through their 20s and into their 30's. That's when they wake up and look in the mirror. Besides looking ten years older then everyone else, they are ten years behind....

    Posted by Ava June 18, 09 06:52 PM
  1. Picture her a few years from now, married to you and trying to raise children stoned. Smoking every day in her 20's? Never gonna quit. Decide now how you want your children raised.

    Posted by Irish-lad June 18, 09 06:55 PM
  1. Meredeth/Readers:
    Thank you so much for your input. I am away with limited computer access, but am back in town on Monday...I will let you know how the conversation goes! Have a great weekend!

    Posted by Press June 18, 09 07:01 PM
  1. 1. is it binge drinking first ? "A point where you're vomiting," he suggested. "Drew" said binge drinking is having more than 5 drinks an hour, or drinking for four days straight! young women who were sexually assaulted and were extremely intoxicated."
    2. Is it acceptable ? reality check. liquor flows pretty freely in Boston.It's really a cultural thing," he said. "And some who didn't drink get hit right in the face."walk away, leaving them to die. Cue the "personal responsibility" argument.
    3. Puke n’ rally . Fighting binge drinking is more complicated than putting an end to drink specials.opportunity for the family to get together?This is like arresting the crack dealer on the street, and not doing anything about the plane coming in.

    Posted by bismillah June 18, 09 07:01 PM
  1. Me: I'll have the avocado BLT.
    Waiter: Would you like bacon on that?
    Me: Umm... it's a BLT? Yes.
    Waiter: How would you like that cooked?
    (Does anyone like their bacon rare?)
    So... waitstaff may be familiar with the beer selection, but they don't always seem familiar with the food!
    Hmmmmm, I'd like the avocado medium rare.
    avoiding the heavy 'drinking time' :)

    Posted by where everybody knows my name! June 18, 09 07:06 PM
  1. She sounds boring

    Posted by Lisa June 18, 09 07:21 PM
  1. After reading all of the comments, I realize that I should have given some additional details. Ill try to cover some of the comments as well...Yes, she is a good girl.No, I dont like her because of the age difference(she came onto me)...To the +/- four year rule poster...Your an idiot...The reason I posted is because I wanted to know if its possible for someone to quit for somebody...She has indicated to me she wants to...I would never make her quit or try to change her... And it has been my observation that maybe she is self medicating a bit. Regardless, thank you for all of your input.

    Posted by Press June 18, 09 07:26 PM
  1. She's not addicted, she's just not as into you as you are to her. Otherwise, she'd cut back or quit. Stopping pot isn't that hard

    Posted by sparky June 18, 09 07:34 PM
  1. poster #262, this whole meredith's dicussion is boring to me. I read it becuse I
    want to make sure she is not kicking my ass that's all.

    Posted by she wants my ass be kick June 18, 09 07:38 PM
  1. Press, if you are still out there...r arely does a person quit successfully for someone else. They need to quit for themselves. Wish you the best.

    Posted by A Dingo Ate My Baby June 18, 09 07:48 PM
  1. When my husband and I first started dating, we both smoked morning, noon, and night. We both held professional jobs. Neither of us drank though. And granted, neither of us smoked before work, but I've known LOTS of people who do so. We had an ounce in storage, and an ounce that we pulled from at all times. If we were going out for breakfast and then out to run errands, we'd roll 2 joints. One for the ride to the breakfast joint, and one for the ride to the store. Perhaps it was a bit overboard, but neither of us were self-medicating. It was all in good fun.

    This was in our late mid-late 20's. Our honeymoon was a fun, hazy event. ;) We're now in our early 30's. When we were ready to try to have babies, both of us cut down. I cut it completely. Now I'm pregnant and I won't go near the stuff. He's got a job that randomly drug tests, so he's out of the game too. I'm not saying that neither of us will ever smoke again, but I'm out at least until I'm done breastfeeding. It all depends on where you are in life. I still don't believe that marijuana is bad for you at all. Obviously I don't believe it's good for my baby, so that's what motivated me to stop.

    There is nothing wrong with smoking marijuana, even "habitually". You're not chemically dependent on it, it's more of an emotional connection to it. It's no worse than having a few beers when you get home to relax. If you really think that she "changes" after she smokes, then you might not really know her. I think you are both in different places in your lives. Give her her 20's to party down. There's enough time for her to "grow up" and smoke less, though I know people well into their 50's who still smoke a lot. Weed is good for the soul. ;) It's FAR less an evil drug than alchohol.

    I've yet to meet an "Angry stoner", but I've known my fair share of "Angry Drunks". Maybe you should quit drinking and start smoking more. Light up and lighten up! ;)

    On the topic of whether she'll quit for you, my guess is probably not. She may be telling you she wants to, because she has strong feelings for you too, but I've yet to know anyone who will quit for someone else. You have to quit for yourself, because YOU want to. Otherwise, she'll secretly resent you for it. If you guys are smoking butts and drinking a lot, I'd work on kicking those habits first. I used to get ripped before going to the bars with my friends. By the time they were drunk and ready to leave, I was sober and I'd drive them all home. Works well for everyone and you still have a good time. :)

    Good luck, Dude. My advice is ride it out.

    Posted by Pro-pot June 18, 09 08:00 PM
  1. If I were into someone, and I found out they smoked weed everyday, I'd instantly not be so into them anymore. I am a very happy person. I like being healthy. Makes zero sense to me - pot smoking, or any consistent drug routine. Yuk. I like some drinks on the weekend, but someone who needs drugs of some form everyday has a problem. Period. If you say I'm wrong, well, try living au natural for a week or two, is that a problem? go drug free for two weeks? IF that is a problem, then, gee whiz, jethro, I guess you DO have a problem, huh???? Dump her. Find someone who is naturally fun.

    Posted by not a fan of druggies June 18, 09 08:30 PM
  1. "Picture her a few years from now, married to you and trying to raise children stoned."--ok, I'm a women, I hate to admit this ,but lets be truthful here. Women are born with all the eggs they are ever going to have on day one. Men make sperm fresh every time. If you want to "imagine yourself with this women"' and your kids, imagine your kids have mental defects, or heart defects or some other problem, because most likely, her eggs are damaged after smoking that much pot. You dont get anything for free. Put poison in your body every day, you're poisoning it. It's tissue, it's cells, and if you're a women, your eggs. No, you dont get to do that for free and have no side effects. She's playing russian roulette with her future. You dont have to play along. Think about this. Do you really want her? Why? Doesn't sound like much of a catch to me.


    Posted by she's damaging herself June 18, 09 08:36 PM
  1. Smoke 'em if you got 'em!

    Posted by Will June 18, 09 09:16 PM
  1. Pot increases libido. Wish my wife would discover this. Keep tagging her.

    Posted by Johnny O June 18, 09 09:18 PM
  1. Here we have a case where one person feels that excessive pot usage is incompatible with him. There you have it. As so many others have said, she's not going to cut down or stop until she's ready, which may be never. The question is how long does he want to wait to see if this happens. I wouldn't waste my time. I wouldn't bother to pursue this girl.

    Posted by Aviatrix June 18, 09 10:16 PM
  1. Addicts are manipulative personalities. Just remember that. And the relationships in their environment are all dependencies. I grew up with alcoholics (with drugs)... They managed to lead successful professional lives, amazingly. The family was a wreck, however.

    But here is my tip. You don't have to run away right away (sorry to contradict some commentators here): This is not a moral issue, so no point shaking a finger at it. Go read about addictions, don't try to change your partner, stay on your side of the street, i.e., don't fiddle in her life. You're not her therapist either, so if she has issues that she has to smoke for, they are her problem. Figure out what you really feel, figure out what is your benefit from being in a relationship with a young woman who is high most of the time. And then make some sort of decision.

    PS: Most pot smokers I know have a huge blank in their lives and seem unable to get on with it. A few are simply in the clouds and it suits them well, they are profs and architects and whatever. I, personally, don't like the feeling of being high, and life is too short to be doing a pit stop every few minutes. I don't even have a TV, which I consider another pernicious drug and a stupendous waste of time.... but I digress...

    Posted by Talleyrand June 18, 09 10:38 PM
  1. re: #271 - I'd be happy to tag your wife for you if she's interested, high or not.

    Posted by bosfiddle June 18, 09 10:49 PM
  1. The addiction to pot destroyed my marriage. Pot was a gateway drug to infidelity. When the pot was no longer increasing the serotonin levels then he self medicated with an extramarital affair. The bottom line is there is more to addiction than the substance. Underlying personality issues are masked by the substance and include self loathing, insecurity, and depression. These are demons that only that person can choose to conquer or hide. With substance abuse that person is hiding and can not face the demons. I tried so hard to be the best spouse, but ultimately it takes two to make a relationship work. The person with the substance abuse is so wrapped up in the relationship with the drug that there is no room for a human relationship.

    Posted by Ang June 18, 09 11:02 PM
  1. Most of you people are ridiculous and read far too much into something like weed smoking. I know plenty of successful professionals who smoke weed all the time, and I know plenty of fuck-ups that hate weed.

    If I were the girl, I would be way more concerned that my boyfriend had such a problem with such a casual thing, and on top of that, e-mailed some quack rather than talking about it like a normal person. The fact that you had to send this question in means that this, and every other relationship you will ever be in will fail.

    Posted by This column is absurd and shouldn't exist June 19, 09 01:11 AM
  1. Basically the issue here is: What's more important. You or the drugs? If she really likes you, it's an easy decision. If she doesn't, it's also an easy decision. Either way you'll find out when you confront her.
    She's obviously addicted. Maybe you should try to get her on that show "Intervention"

    Good luck.

    Posted by Alex June 19, 09 02:42 AM
  1. First off did you know she smoked before hand? If so then you should have known what you were in for. Second, I would rather have a girl/boy friend that smokes pot than drinks any day. Yes she can kick the habit very easyily but only if she chooses to, not because you "want" her to change. I don't know what you mean when you say "it changes her personality" I smoked pot for 19 years straight morning, noon and night and my "personality" didn't change one iota in fact most people wouldn't have know I was high unless they asked.

    as for the person who says pot caused her husband to "wonder" in their marriage: DId you ever stop to think it was you? and not the pot?

    Posted by SNAPPA June 19, 09 03:51 AM
  1. My husband was able to quit all his vices with the exception of alcohol and cigarettes. He was a dope head for it seemed a thousand years as well as crystal meth, cocaine, you name the drug it was there for him. If she wants to stop she will find a way, she is young. Pressure does not work.

    Posted by sophie08 June 19, 09 05:45 AM
  1. You're 38, she's 27. To my calculation, she has at least 11 more years til she needs to act your age. Either you accept her with her smoking habits, or you don't. I vote you do because it sounds like you want to make it work.

    Just get over trying to be her lover and her father. She's an adult and can smoke as much as she wants to.

    Posted by Sabs June 19, 09 06:19 AM
  1. #43 (Tim in DC) brought up a good point...that this guy just sounds like he's hanging out with her, not dating her. Very true. He even said that she had a boyfriend 6 months ago and then said they've since broken up. So, it is interesting that he didn't clearly say they've been dating 1 month, 2 months, etc. For all we know, they could've been hanging out 2 weeks drinking at bars, and he's already wanting to change this person and assume there's more (ie relationship) ahead of him. As I mentioned in earlier post, when you "hang out" with someone or "date" them, that's to figure out if they are compatible with you. If they're not compatible with you, for whatever reason, you go your seperate ways....regardless of how cute they are, how funny they are, or how good the sex is. Nobody should ever be hoping that another person changes. They are who they are. You are who you are, and if people don't like the complete package, keep it steppin'. If everybody did this, there would be a lot less hearbreak and disappointment from people expecting magical change from people who are just being themselves.

    Posted by bklynmom June 19, 09 06:40 AM
  1. Sally on "7th Heaven" - ROTFLMAO! I knew there was something missing when I watched that show - it was the toking!

    Press (is that a preppy name, or what?) - "We both drink a little more than socially, though we are working on that." That "drink a little more" is going to damage you more than any amount of weed. Gently dismount from your high horse, and look at your own drinking habit. Who knows? You might actually one day set a good example for your woman. I knew it! Another letter in which alcohol is the REAL problem.

    Posted by reindeergirl June 19, 09 06:56 AM
  1. "After six months, what is it you're falling for?"

    She's hot, isn't she??... Think with your head, feel with your heart: I'm guessing (based on my own previous experiences, to be honest) there's a third body part driving your decision-making process!

    I'm not passing judgment on this girl; if she wants to live that way, so be it. But the problem I see is you trying to change her, and when that doesn't work, you might change yourself, and that's bad bro. You gotta move on; there's a match for everyone's personality. Wish this girl well and go out and find the right match more conducive to your tastes and goals.

    Posted by Dave June 19, 09 07:06 AM
  1. Drunks and potheads are just wasting away their lives.
    Life is too short to waste it with those kind of people.
    Get your own drinking under control and RUN AWAY from this addict. I cannot BELIEVE she smokes pot in the morning before work. That in ITSELF should tell you something.

    Posted by Shecky28 June 19, 09 07:14 AM
  1. I had a good friend who is a daily pot smoker. I say had because we are no longer friends. At 62 y/o she still smokes every day and has done so for over 40 years. It ruined her marriage - friendships - relationship with family members and it's only getting worse. She didn't even go to her own father's funeral because she wouldn't be able to smoke around family members. We are no longer friends because I confronted her about her addiction and she flew into a defensive rage and so I said good-bye. She has no intention to quit and doesn't care or even see how it has ruined her life. She's happy as long as she has her pot. In the end, that's all she'll have. So my advice to you is to end the relationship and fast. You'll save yourself a lot of heartache.

    Posted by Michelle June 19, 09 07:20 AM
  1. She can't and won't change for you; she has to be willing to do it for herself.

    Posted by Anonymous June 19, 09 07:25 AM
  1. She can't and won't change for you; she has to be willing to do it for herself.

    Posted by john w warren June 19, 09 07:27 AM
  1. I have just rented from a guy who smokes daily....cig in one hand bowl in the other. It was such a turn off! He would say, "Nothing like good bud!" He is in his 50's and a smoker since the 70's. I use to do it in my younger naive days. To hear and see what this guy does at his age makes him look and sound immature, and it is just downright creepy! He is stuck in an era!

    He kept trying to come on to me and I thought, "Not in a million years!" His brain cells were fried. He would forget conversations we had and ask me the same questions over and overa again, or forget things we had done. It made him look like a sad case. Why would anyone wantt o stay with a pothead? Our lungs weren't mean to be abused no matter what we are taking in so to consider it acceptable on any level is ignorant. Call it what it is instead of justifying its use.

    When did we decide in this country that self abuse (long or short term is acceptable? Self-medication is a way of hiding the issues one is going through. Give me a strong drug-=free person to date any day. I dealt with a daily pot smoking boyfriend as well and it only made him look pitiful in my eyes. I am a nurse so I have some background in this area from a medical perspective.

    Posted by Cheryld9690 June 19, 09 08:01 AM
  1. it sounds like this guy has more of a problem with what she does after she gets high. if she's a lazy slob than protest that, not her pot smoking. PLENTY of people are productive when high.

    Posted by jimbojones June 19, 09 08:03 AM
  1. Hey "Press" #263. Maybe I am an idiot, but not as much of an idiot as you will feel like when you are old and feeble and she is banging everyone in front of you because you are in the wheelchair crapping your depends!

    Posted by DudeGuyKidDudeGuy666 June 19, 09 08:08 AM
  1. There's a lot of skewed logic and extended rantings on here, must be because of all the pot smokers posting.

    This is a relationship blog, and today's topic appears to be a primary relationship with a brain-altering drug. How tragically sad, especially for their kids. Kids know you use illegal drugs, just like kids know their parents are alcoholics or gamblers or cheaters. They know you prefer smoking pot rather than spending clear-headed quality time with them.

    Oh, hey, yeah, there's at minimum emotional dependency for all of you MAJOR users, no matter what fantasy you tell yourself or dream up when you're high.

    Posted by yupokay June 19, 09 08:10 AM
  1. to #275. i'm sure boring inhibited sex is what did you in... not the pot

    Posted by tough pill June 19, 09 08:13 AM
  1. I think the poster still misses the point. All the pussy angry-leftist-kneejerk-liberals like to chase my "age rule" like a rabbit. Yet they all miss the point, if he went after somebody his own age he wouldn't have to convince them to quit (they would have already quit or at least be ready too). Give me her number, I know a lot of younger dudes at my work who would like to party with her (plus I need a new source!).

    Posted by DudeGuyKidDudeGuy666 June 19, 09 08:17 AM
  1. And with regard to his post #263, when he said "she pursued me". If he wasn't an emotionally stunted and socially retarded CREEP, he would have said "Thanks, but not thanks, you are a really sweet girl but you will be happier with someone closer to your peer range". He is just as much a CREEP now as he would have been when she was 15 and he was 26. "Sometimes a PEDO is just a PEDO..."

    Posted by DudeGuyKidDudeGuy666 June 19, 09 08:23 AM
  1. I use it on a daily basis, now does that make me an addict? the answer is no. I don't need it to function during the day and my body does not crave it. Coffee is more addictive. People need to understand that with moderation and respect you will not harm yourself. I have seen people abuse it and it completely takes the essence of it away. You have to know your limits and if someone uses it before work and after without harming anyone why critize and judge them for what they are doing. MJ has been on earth probably longer than us, and we as a society need to understand that rules and regulations are always tested by people, its in our nature. People who oppose it plain and simple don't smoke it, but because you don't smoke it doesn't mean that it has to be banned and the people who smoke are bad. Its completely opposite of that, if you will take time to write your opinion make sure you first research the topic or you will fall into a deep whole of ignorance. I'm proud of who I am and what I do, off course I'm not going to please everyone, do I care? not at all, you don't pay my bills or my rent so why should I care of what people think, people are always going to change their mind, it always depends on the circumstance. People need to mind their own business a little bit more and be less critical, you only live once so stop living in other peoples' lifes you will miss yours

    Posted by Xibalba June 19, 09 09:03 AM
  1. A gateway to INFIDELITY!?!?! That's a first!!! I think there were probably problems in your marriage to begin with, Ang. If you need to believe pot caused your husband's infidelity, then so be it, but as a "habitual" pot smoker, I can tell you that it's a load of B.S.. My husband and I both smoked for YEARS and hung out with the opposite sex without each other around. Both of us had plenty opportunities to be unfaithful, but we had a solid foundation and strong love for one another.

    Most of you posting have no idea what you're talking about. Go drink your alcohol at the local bar and drive home like SO many people I know do and leave us peaceful pot smoker alone! Get a clue!!

    Posted by Irritated June 19, 09 09:10 AM
  1. #275 said it better than all the rest...

    Posted by Amazingabbey June 19, 09 09:13 AM
  1. sound like love in a detoxs,

    Posted by pob June 19, 09 09:23 AM
  1. Sounds like you like to be with her because she makes your drinking ok. You feel better about your vice and can then turn around and say hers is worse. You already know that this relationship is a dead end. But you are still looking for validation. I think you need counseling, not her. She is ok with her life as it is. You are still trying to figure out who you are. Let me tell you--you are a middle aged man looking for the fountain of youth. Here's a hint: it isn't in a bar.

    Posted by capecodbrat June 19, 09 09:33 AM
  1. I hate to say it, Ang, but pot is not responsible for your husband cheating; your husband is (and you probably played a role, too). I am so blown away by how many puritans are posting on this blog, and I'd also like to second what the letter writer said when he told guykiddudekidguy666 that he's an idiot. I imagine what happened to this guy is that an older dude swooped in and put the boots to his girlfriend and now he's got a huge chip on his shoulder against older guys with younger women. I have a news flash for you, however: that type of relationship will persist.

    As a near daily user of weed, I can see both sides of the argument. There are times when I will run out of weed and just won't have it for several weeks. Am I flipping out because of it? No, it doesn't really negatively impact me. However, when I do have it I find it enhances a lot of activities I enjoy. For example, when I watch a movie stoned I feel like I'm more in tune with what's happening, like I can really get lost in the story. Being at a concert? Forget about it, I'll be high. I also like to get high before I go hiking or cycling - yeah, that's right, Rico, I smoke weed and then ride my bicycle 40 or 50 miles. I'll even pull over out in Weston or Lincoln sometimes and smoke a quick one hitter just to keep my head clear. I also love to be stoned when I'm skiing or playing frisbee, and don't get me started on being high at the gym - talk about focus.

    By the same token, however, I can also say that weed does reduce my motivational level, which can definitely be a bad thing. There are also plenty of situations in which I would obviously prefer not to be high, but overall if the setting is appropriate, I'd choose high over not high. I'd also love to be with a woman who enjoyed getting high in the morning once in a while and could appreciate a good splif after work - sounds nice.

    Moral of my post: get over yourselves, you uptight ninnies. There are far worse things this young woman and the rest of us who enjoy our weed could be doing.

    Posted by malcolm June 19, 09 09:49 AM
  1. I will tell you though, it is possible to quit weed after being a chronic for a long time. I smoked every day, and I mean EVERY DAY, for about 16 years, and walked away from it cold turkey when I was 32 years old.
    (I posted #220) and for me, I was very psychologically addicted. I would scrape resin when I had nothing, always carried a pipe with me, and was agitated when I couldn't have weed. I like a solid, mellow buzz all day. I'd toke in the bathroom at work, everywhere.... If I was out of weed, I'd wait outside my dealers house for HOURS till he came home to get a bag.
    Again, FOR ME, it became an issue and took over my life. But I did eventually quit

    Posted by ace1957 June 19, 09 09:53 AM
  1. 300 comments!! Is this the most popular post so far (in terms of posted comments)?

    Posted by The Dude June 19, 09 10:00 AM
  1. Does she drive under the influence, would she babysit high, does she go to every social engagement high? If so, she isn't likely to give it up. Find someone else. I don't find anything wrong with smoking pot, unless you're entire life revolves around it. Mine did, back in high school, and thats one thing, at nearly thirty, I don't know, doesn't seem good. And I don't know how she handles work after a wake and bake.

    Posted by lala June 19, 09 10:12 AM
  1. I do agree with my boy HOSS!
    FYI: by the way Im a 29 yr old "WOMEN" , who likes to party (not as bad as your friend)about the same as you do.If your interested!!!!

    Posted by LilShorty98 June 19, 09 11:03 AM
  1. I 2nd capecodbrat's opinion. Spot on, well said.

    Posted by smellycat June 19, 09 11:28 AM
  1. Lilshorty - let's get it on!

    Posted by wide as coffee can June 19, 09 11:37 AM
  1. "Malcolm" #317, shut up you stupid stoner. Wrong, I was the guy in coming home from weekends in College, and banging YOUR girlfriend because I was only 17 and could get away with it. Then I got out of College and wanted someone who could go to bars with me! Nor listened to NKOTB...

    Posted by DudeGuyKidDudeGuy666 June 19, 09 11:38 AM
  1. I have to admit - I'm addicted to coffee. In the morning, a calm comes over me as I grind the beans, pack the bowl, add the water, and fire up the Cuisinart.

    mmmmmmmm. Fresh ground starbucks at home.

    Living the life.

    Posted by FairTrade June 19, 09 11:40 AM
  1. sm1231 i'm sorry that your intellectual capabilities aren't strong enough to grasp my
    postings but keep trying i'm sure you will someday when you get your head out of your--------

    Posted by toxictom June 19, 09 11:51 AM
  1. Maybe she uses weed instead of an anti-anxiety med. You have to be careful about passing judgement though. A nymphomaniac is someone who has more sex than you do. An alcoholic is someone who drinks more than you do. A workoholic is... If she smokes that much then that's the person you fell for. Ask her to stop and you might not like the result. Not everyone who uses is avoiding something, sometimes in actual fact they're handling something. If she went to the gym morning, noon and night would you like that better. If she took valium or another anti-anxiety med every day would you be so bothered.

    Posted by Splat June 19, 09 12:01 PM
  1. Wow, a lot of responses. I know quite a few people (late 30's, men and women) who smoke daily, some of whom are married and have very responsible white collar jobs, the others, well not so much.... Really wouldn't say too many of them have a problem, they are a nice fun bunch of peopple to hang out with. That said, personally I wouldn't want to date any of the guys, daily smoking would bother me. All depends on what you are looking for. Like I said, several of them are married and have really good jobs, their spouses are fine with it.

    I just wouldn't expect this girl to change and if it bothers you, and can't say as I blame you particularly if it changes her personality, then I would say you shouldn't get involved any deeper.

    Posted by CC June 19, 09 12:02 PM
  1. Is here name Chanequa?

    Posted by Imadyhigh June 19, 09 12:31 PM
  1. Gotta question someone who can't get beyond their substance abuse. I've had plenty of friends as members of Team Wakenbake - most of them are fairly fun to be around for a while, but getting high becomes an obsession. Frankly I can't function on the stuff - sure I can clean house like a madman and watch endless reruns of MASH, but it's no way to go through life. Why do you think they call it dope?

    It is pretty surprising how many closet white collar middle aged professionals have the habit. Makes you wonder how much more they'd accomplish straight.

    Posted by CldSmk June 19, 09 12:53 PM
  1. I meet this nice older guy and he used smoke the stuff, and I think he still miss
    the thing, I think we both like each other, but it was a turn off for me when I found
    out that he still want to feel the stuff to feel good. I don't like guy smoke anything.

    Posted by sadb June 19, 09 12:57 PM
  1. The Dude (#320) - I think the post record was set in local news, about the idiots in Southie and Dot who blocked their parking spaces after a snowstorm.

    Posted by reindeergirl June 19, 09 01:05 PM
  1. Well, I gotta tell you, all things considered, if pot is the drug of choice, it's not a bad one. I'd rather hang with a stoner than a boozer , no question.

    Ask yourself the question - if the stigma of legality was not the question, would you be as congnizant of the habit? I know folks who can't get it going without 3 big cups of java - that's an addiction as much as alcohol or nicotine or THC.

    Mood swings are more the person than the channel. Granted, some moderation is nice, but in the grand scheme of things, is it the weed that's causing you the angst? Or maybe other aspects of the relationship and her personality. Or yours. And the reefer has become the visible focal point.

    Posted by chris p. June 19, 09 01:06 PM
  1. sorry DudeGuyKidDudeGuy666 but malcolm hit the nail on the head. good luck inflating your ego though!

    Posted by guest June 19, 09 01:20 PM
  1. reindeergirl, I meant on 'Love Letters' not just on any post on Boston.com.

    Posted by The Dude June 19, 09 01:37 PM
  1. "It is pretty surprising how many closet white collar middle aged professionals have the habit. Makes you wonder how much more they'd accomplish straight".

    Maybe they're accomplishing more because of it. Why is it a given that they're accomplishing less? If you smoke a bone when you get home to relax is that worse than a beer or martini? Most of the comments seem to start at, "Weed is bad". But from what I can tell the more research they do the less evil it is. Like any drug it's why you use it not that you use it.

    Posted by Splat June 19, 09 01:43 PM
  1. Hey "WIDE AS COFFEE CAN"
    I got a friend who knows a friends with a friend that got that Good Good! What do you say, My place around 8:30. We can watch Half Baked, while we get Baked?
    And "Let it do what it do" !!!! ; )

    Posted by LilShorty98 June 19, 09 01:47 PM
  1. Hey "WIDE AS COFFEE CAN"
    I got a friend who knows a friends with a friend that got that Good Good! What do you say, My place around 8:30. We can watch Half Baked, while we get Baked?
    And "Let it do what it do" !!!! ; )

    Posted by LilShorty98 June 19, 09 01:52 PM
  1. Hey "Wide As Coffee Can"
    I got a friend, that knows a friend, who is dating his friends, thats got that Good Good! So what do you say, my place 8:30. We can watch Half Baked, while we get baked? "Then we can make it do what it do"!

    Posted by LilShorty98 June 19, 09 01:56 PM
  1. You can smoke, be good at your job, be married and not have any problems. I don't drink, I don't smoke cigarettes, I don't drink caffiene (your coffee is worse for you than my plant is for me), AND I'm a very productive person. I go for weeks every once in a while where I don't smoke at all. If I start to run low, I don't worry. I go on vacation without it, and don't do it before work, although I know some people who do and they're no worse off for it.
    Face it, you have a problem with it, not her. She knows what she's doing,a nd unless you know for a fact that its effecting her health or her perfromance at work (which I doubt highly , no pun intended.), then just realize that just as I couldn't date someone who drank coffeeor smoked cigarettes, you can't date her.
    Sorry.

    Posted by Noel June 19, 09 03:49 PM
  1. I've been following all these comments with interest. I have no problem with people smoking if that's what they want to do. But as the grown child (I'm 32) of a father who was daily smoker (held a white collar job, would have told you that his life was very fulfilling, was actually very funny to be around when stoned, blah, blah. blah) most of my childhood was spent knowing my father wasn't 100% there. Sure he was there physically, he took care of us and was generally responsibile but we could feel the void in his personality, the disinterest and lack of motivation. It was just that he wasn't totally present and when he stopped smoking when I was in high school it was like a whole different person emerged. He became more engaged with my and my sibling's lives. Not sure what exactly made him stop smoking, but I suspect it was the realization that my sister and I were starting to not respect him very much because he would just sit around and be lazy instead of being active with us.

    I believe the LW when he says he sees a difference in her personality. I don't think he can ask her to change for him but I do think he needs to ask himself if a less than 100% there person is who he wants to be with.

    For those of you parents who think your kids don't know or notice - don't delude yourselves. They may now know why, but even little ones can feel the lack of motivation! Maybe this isn't true of all smokers but I have yet to meet one who it wasn't true of and between my dad and his friends and TONS of college friends I think I can speak from experience.

    Posted by Anon. June 19, 09 08:31 PM
  1. RUN! I dated a stoner like that. Nice guy.
    Smoked all the time and it really got in the way of going out, having fun.
    When he quit while job interviewing things were great. Then he got a new job and it was back to the couch he went.
    Run, run, run

    Posted by BTDT June 22, 09 04:59 PM
  1. Ahhhh... the stigma. How charmingly ignorant!

    It's funny how many 'squares' don't realize the amount of functional regular smokers they encounter on a daily basis in every walk of life. Yet another one of the many "if they only knew" scenarios...

    Posted by DJMcG June 23, 09 11:06 AM
  1. Sounds like she's not for you - so get out.

    This is not recommendation that stems from a disparaging attitude toward marijuana - far from it! Everyone has a judgment about drug use, about how much and when is okay; e.g. After work is fine, but before work is not? This is a mutable line for many people.

    Furthermore, there may be reasons the woman in question chooses to self-medicate. I don't mean to treat that lightly. However, the larger point is your mutual compatibility. If she hasn't indicated to you that she feels to need to stop, then why do you assume she would be better off without her regimine?

    Given the psychology, the issue boils down to this: if what she does is not your bag, baby, then the idea you might be able to change her is, frankly, irritating and patronizing. Do what's good for yourself: recognize you are not compatible and find someone else who is more your speed.

    Also, good luck on the alcohol awareness. Sounds like you have your best self in mind.

    Posted by Anonymous June 25, 09 06:47 PM
  1. What can be done must be done. Those who don't want to quit shouldn't have to.

    Ang and all of those other people who put the blame of losing their spouses or LTRs on MJ alone should be sent to the loony bin. Reality is what YOU make it - and if you are forcing your loved one to stop then you're putting the pressure on the user. Using the law of physics, 'for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction". If you push and push for someone to stop - and they don't want to - then you're going to be met with the same resistance if not MORE...

    PS - I used to smoke for 11 years until I quit three months ago. yay me!

    Posted by DrGonzoEsq July 15, 09 02:26 PM
  1. smoking pot is so not a big deal people need to get OVER themselves. if it is so harmful why is it perscribed medicinally in CA? do the math if the girl wants to smoke and have a good time dont rain on her parade damn it!

    Posted by laynejo August 27, 09 04:27 PM
 
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Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.

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