Taking another girl to the Cape
In honor of the fact that I'm going to the Cape for a few days next week (yes, I'll be posting letters from the road), here's one about a trip down Route 3.
Q: Am I out of line in being upset that my boyfriend is spending a long weekend away on the Cape with another girl? I'd love to get some outside opinions on this.
A little bit of background: we have known each other for almost 3 years, started dating very casually perhaps 2.5 years ago but have been in a monogamous relationship for 1.5 years. We don't live together but do live nearby and see each other more evenings than not (and most weekends).
He is a grad student. Last fall, he befriended some seniors who I haven't met (I do know many of his grad school friends). He said he hasn't introduced me to these friends because he assumes I may find them immature (this may be true, I am in my early 30s and he is in his mid 20s).
Anyway, he has apparently become quite close with one girl, whom I have never met and know very little about, except that she just graduated last month (from undergrad or grad school, I'm not sure?). She went home to Texas for the summer but is flying back here to Boston supposedly for the sole purpose of going to the Cape with my boyfriend (although I could probably assume she will visit with other friends while she is here). His parents own a house on the Cape, and we recently spent Memorial Day weekend there together (with his parents) and had a wonderful time.
I have told him I am very upset about this and that I think it is inappropriate, but he insists that I am being ridiculous, they are simply good friends. A few weeks ago I said I would just get over it and stop being jealous about this. I should note that we do not have any history of cheating between us, and that I am normally not jealous of his female friends.
Yesterday he told me this "weekend" has now turned into leaving on Thursday night and coming back Monday night (4 days!). He says they will be "chaperoned" since his aunt and uncle will also be at the house for the weekend, and that I have nothing to worry about since he loves and cares about me. He is actually quite angry and offended because he believes that I don't trust him.
He can not understand why this bothers me, he thinks it’s the same as when one of my best girlfriends and I (who I have known for over 15 years) go to my parents in Vermont or take other trips together.
My issue is not that I assume he is going to cheat on me with her (I do trust him), it’s that...
1) I can't understand how two people (guy & girl) can spend 4 days straight together in a 1 on 1 situation and not be either romantically involved or long-time friends (i.e. if this was some friend from high school or college that he has known for years, or traveled with in the past, I might understand). Is this girl interested in him? Can he blame me for wondering?
2) This whole thing would be so much easier to swallow if there were a group of friends going.
3) I find it almost embarrassing! How do I tell people who might ask, "Where is your boyfriend this weekend?" and I answer with "Oh, you know, he just went down to the Cape on a 4-day vacation with some girl I've never met and that he's known for less than a year"
4) Not only that, I can't imagine what his parents/family might think? I have spent a fair amount of time with his family in recent months - how might they react to the fact that he brings a different girl to the Cape house each month, even though I have been the one present at family gatherings for the past year or more?
Please tell me why I should either calm down and forget about this (I admit I have some insecurities, don't we all?), or that I am justified in my reaction - I lost a lot of sleep last night over this!
THANK YOU for your help.
Trying not to be Jealous, Watertown, MA
A: TNTBJ,
Ok. I'm going to start with your numbered points (and thank you for being so organized).
1. Heterosexual men and women can absolutely spend time together platonically, even on vacation, even if they’re new in each other’s lives. It’s totally possible. But ...
2. You’re right – it would be easier to swallow if there were other people going on this trip. He should be sensitive to that. I’m with you.
3. Don’t worry about embarrassment. The only person who really cares about this is you.
4. See point 3. His parents might get confused, but is that really the problem here?
Let’s be honest. You’re afraid he’s going to cheat or that he’s lining her up. You don’t understand why he wants so much alone time with a person who just happens to be a college gal who has time to run off to the beach with your significant other.
The fact that you feel this way doesn’t mean you’re clingy or paranoid. It means you’re normal. Anyone who says they wouldn’t feel the same way is a big, big liar.
Yes, this would be easier to understand if they were longtime friends who met in grade school. It would also be easier if he introduced you to her – if he made this new relationship less threatening in any way.
And what’s this nonsense about a chaperone? Does he need one?
My guess is that he’s a guy caught between his 20s and 30s. He's not quite ready to leave the kiddie table, which is why he found a group of college seniors to validate his wants and needs. Meanwhile, you're at the grown-up table with rules, timelines, and real commitments.
If he can’t join you in the land of adults – and if he won't introduce you to these friends and show them (and you) that you’re a real part of his life – you have every right to assume he’s leaving you out for a reason. He should know better. And he should care about making you feel safe.
You’re not wrong. And you can send him a link to this if you need to. I’ve got your back.
Readers? Do you agree? I’m all for platonic trips to the Cape, but this one’s sort of not so great. Thoughts? Share here.
No sleep 'till Dennis, Meredith
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Totally sketchy, totally not OK. Why aren't you going as well? That makes no sense. Lots of red flags. Not too be harsh, but I think he should get the boot. All this fishiness stinks!
The whole situation is suspect, in my opinion.
It might sit better if TNTBJ actually met the girl. At least it would give her a chance to check out this girl. If the boyfriend refuses to introduce them to each other, then is he hiding something?
I don't know why he doesn't introduce her to his classmates. The excuse that they're less mature doesn't seem to fly. Does he have issues with the fact that he's seeing a woman who's older than he is?
In my opinion, this is about respect. Simply put, what he's doing is improper if he is in any type of committed relationship. He should ask himself how he would feel if you were the one going away for the weekend with a single guy friend who you've known briefly and who he's never met. If he can HONESTLY answer that it wouldn't bother him one bit (which I think is a big fat lie) then fine, go on your weekend and have fun. I would not be okay with it whether I trusted the guy or not. He should have invited you to go along and then it would have been fine. Why is it necessary for them to go without you?
You have some decisions to make, because you shouldn't be put in this position at all. What bothers me is that he doesn't understand why it bothers you. I think if he simply puts himself in your position then maybe he might start to understand.
I think you should dump him before he goes. You clearly are not going to get over it and he's still going to go. Chaperone or not on the weekend trip, he's a tool in his 20's who doesn't really care about his girlfriend.
Why waste your time? Date someone older.
If they're just friends, why isn't the girlfriend going too?? This is weird and I wouldn't like it either. I supposed he'd be real cool with this lady going on a 4 day vacation with a male coworker that he's never met right?
I can't believe you are even being calm about this. I would flip out if I were you. You aren't being jealous, as Meredith said, you are being normal.
I think this guy is either trying to cheat on you or ease out of your relationship together. If this woman is such a good friend of your boyfriends, she should want to meet you as well.
Why the heck weren't you invited too?
I say dump this immature guy - today, before he goes. That will put a damper on his weekend. He isn't worth your time.
If you fall for his story, you need to get down to New York fast.
I hear there's a bridge for sale there.
The guy is a sociopath, and you are a chump
TNTBJ,
Your boyfriend is a total tool, and this situation is totally wierd. You should be angry and I dont think at anytime this would be acceptable, especially when you never met this girl before. It would be one thing if she was a friend that was joining the two of you on a trip but this is really out of line.
I think it is inappropriate. Why would he not suggest you come with them and get to know her if he feels the friendship with her is that important. How would he feel if you did this with a co-worker etc. I think your feelings are justified.
I'd be pissed off. Sounds line a situation I was in once in my 20's, and I did end up getting drunk and cheated my girlfriend down the Cape. i agree, this sopund st me like tio should be a group 9college) weekend. I'm a bit perplexed about the one on one.
Being a cougar might be the in thing now, but as you can see, it has its down side too. Sounds like he is immature, and will cheat on you. Dump him now.
Hmm...younger chick whom he met at school whom you don't know and he's taking her to the Cape this weekend without you.
Yeah, I wouldn't suspect a thing.
PS- today is Sarcasm Day.
He is cheating on you.
Don't walk away, RUN and don't look back. Don't let others make you feel bad for having completely valid feelings about this situation. You and this guy are at different places in your life. Find someone who can understand that this situation is problematic. RUN.
OMG I can't believe he is doing this to you. First of all men in their 20's think with the brain between their legs. It is totally inapproriate for him to be doing this to you. Secondly, no women that had one iota of class, would go away with a man that is in a commited relationship, without wanting to meet his girlfriend, to at least offer some assurance that everything is above board.
This is a definate hook up in my opinion, I bet if you insist on going along for the 4 days, you will see a much different tune with your boyfriend. Do yourself a favor tell him you have decided to go along "invite yourself" and see the response you get.
Then kick him to the curb, and find an adult to date.
Meredith - I liked how you said you have this woman's back. I do too.
You are not wrong - but he is not ready. Sadly, telling him this probably won't make him ready either - he's got to figure that out on his own. Leave him and find a man that doesn't need to spend 4 days with another woman, not matter if it's platonic or not. You both are just not on the same level of commitment. Sorry.
You are not wrong - but he is not ready. Sadly, telling him this probably won't make him ready either - he's got to figure that out on his own. Leave him and find a man that doesn't need to spend 4 days with another woman, not matter if it's platonic or not. You both are just not on the same level of commitment. Sorry.
This is NOT OK.
Ok, so I kind of see both sides of this...here's why. I am a woman, and the majority of my friends are guys. I am a sports nut, and hate drama, so I guess I relate better with the guys. I could easily spend 4 days down the cape with one of my guy friends, and it would be nothing but platonic. However...out of respect for my boyfriend, I don't think I would actually do that. I would either invite him along, or make it more of a group type of thing. In general, I don't have anyone I consider friends that my boyfriend hasn't met, immature or otherwise. If I were in your shoes, I would be extremely annoyed, maybe even jealous of the fact that this girl you don't even know gets 4 days of 1 on 1 time with your boyfriend...would be nice of him to plan that for the two of you, no? I see where you are coming from, I don't want to call it unacceptable, because I know that a relationship between a guy and girl can be totally platonic, but in respect for your relationship, he should be thinking this through more. What exactly will they be doing for 4 days? Just seems like a long time, especially for a new friend? I, like Meredith, have your back...
Hate to tell you but Duh of course he's cheating on you.
Why don’t you just take a ride to this cabin, do not tell him you’re going down, do a little spying and I’m sure you'll get all the evidence that you'll need. This way you'll confirm your suspicion and you won’t have to keep living with this constant stress about is he or isn’t he in your life.
The thing most bothersome is that he doesn't introduce you to his friends, and you've never met this girl. If you had met them (and her), I'm betting this would be a non-issue. It seems that he should let you judge his friend's immaturity level.
It's more on the basis of you and him maintaining separate circles of friends than this trip to the Cape that has me smelling doom about this relationship. For the length of time you've been together there likely should have been a few cookouts, parties, nights out or other get-togethers where you would have met his friends (or vice versa -- he should know your friends, too). I'm not saying that you should be best friends with his friends and see them all the time, but you should at least have met them after three years of being together.
As for the trip to the Cape, if he's staying with his aunt and uncle, yeah, I think there's a lot less to worry about since he'd have to be quite the scumbag to cheat in front of the family while they knew you were in a relationship.
What I'm interested in is the part of the story you are leaving out -- the part where he offered to take you, too, but you don't have enough vacation time or told him to go by himself because you were attending something else, etc. Or where the friend found some ultra-cheap plane fare at the last moment and she's going to stay with your boyfriend for 4 days, then stay with someone else in Maine, then go on somewhere else, etc.
It's over. That isn't what you want to hear, I know, but I believe it's true. It doesn't matter whether your boyfriend and this other girl are platonic friends. If you, his girlfriend, are unhappy with his spending 4 days on the Cape with another girl, then he should have the consideration to change his plans or include you. The fact that he is telling you to deal with it tells me that he's not that into you anymore and doesn't have the courage to end things graciously. It's also possible that he's strongly attracted to this girl but isn't sure he's ready to dump you for her, so he doesn't quite know how to handle things until he's sure. Either way, I just don't think you guys have a future. If he really cared about your feelings, he wouldn't be trying so hard to minimize them.
Sorry, TNTBJ but this is bad news. Here's my guess about what's going on here. He's a 25ish grad student with no money living with a bunch of roommates. You're a 32ish woman with a job and a nice apartment. From you he gets the comforts of domesticity, home-cooked meals, treated to nice things (you probably pay for a lot of your joint outings), and sex. But he's just visiting your world for the benefits - he's not part of it. He's not ready for marriage and career yet. His heart is with his fellow students (it's no coincidence he's hanging out with younger people).
Sorry honey, but he's using you. If something hasn't happened between him and his new girl "friend" yet, it's going to. Do yourself a huge favor and start dating guys your own age. I had a friend who was stuck in your pattern for years until she finally wised up. Now she's dating a man her own age who has a career, plans, and is interested in a future with her. You are never going to get that from a guy in his 20s when you're in your 30s. Good luck.
I was wondering why no one has written a comment--it's been 40 minutes. Then I realized that it's because Meredith nailed this, and there's nothing more to say!
The boyfriend should have invited the writer to come along and help him play host to this new "friend." Even if she has to work, she can be there for the weekend. If she goes, she'll be able to figure out what's going on in about 30 seconds.
I assume you weren't invited on this trip? There is absolutely no good reason why your bf is going alone to the Cape with a girl he hasn't introduced you to and not invited you to come along. Especially after you expressed your valid concerns. I am all for catching up with friends or having friendships outside of a relationship, but thats what a leisurely dinner or drinks are for, not a 4 day weekend. He is either up to no good or is really that stupid and insensitive, either way I would seriously reevaluate his status as bf.
Are you nuts??????? This is classic DEFLECTION 101. He's going to sleep with her, you dolt. Drop this a@@hole ASAP.
We cannot tell you how to feel. That is your call...
In terms of this friendship, the details don't matter...how long they've know each other etc. You're bugged-that is that. And I can see why...but I'm not sure that anything can be done. She is coming, they are going.
I hope you'll take advantage of the weekend and do something you love...try something new...treat yourself. Basically free your mind and let it be. Not much else can be done. Head over to MV w/ a guy friend!
Keep being honest with him and true to yourself.
his explanations don't pass the smell test. at the very least he's an insensitive jerk because he is still going after you told him how uncomfortable you were with the plan and at worst he's two-timing you and manipulating you into thinking your acting crazy by worrying. you're not crazy!
you need to pay them an unannounced visit during the long weekend to find out what's really going on. does this woman even know he has a 'real' girlfriend?
Trust your gut! You know something is wrong. Don't let someone's words to you override your own good sense.
Find a grown-up guy and get on with your life. If he can't see why you don't like this, you're wasting your time with him. And considering the age difference, he's got more time to waste than you. Draw the line and let him know this is going to be a BIG problem.
He's planning on banging that "Friend" like a screen door in the wind.
You seriously had to spend all this time writing the letter to LL when you and all of us already know the answer? He's lining her up and if all goes well you'll be single soon by his choice. You should pre-empt it and dump him first.
If he was truly in love with you and wanted to be in a committed relationship with you then he wouldn't be going, or even contemplate going, with her. Why didn't he invite you? I'm sorry, but he's going to cheat on you.
Dump him. Not only does he sound immature (he's younger than you and probably doesn't know what he wants yet), but why is he excluding you from this trip? Did he invite you? Did he invite other friends? It doesn't sound like it. There is nothing wrong with having friends of the opposite sex, even taking vacations, but the fact that he's never even introduced you to this girl or invited you along makes me thing something is up. Also, we don't know what her intentions are. I'm guessing she's interested in your boyfriend and is looking for a nice long days on the beach followed by beers at the bar with your boyfriend...and that doesn't lead to anything good for you. What if the situation is reversed? Would he want you taking a solo trip with a guy friend he's never met? Probably not. I say move on to someone older and more mature. I would try Newport instead.
you should insist that you meet his friend first. It's not unreasonable for anyone in a relationship to at least know who the person is their significant other is spending time with.
go out to breakfast/lunch/dinner before they leave, meet his friend.
The guy is cheating on you.......He's like a drug addict denying it to his grave and blaming you for being so sensitive to the subject. Plus I bet if you pulled this stunt he would be upset at you.
I for one would never do that to my girlfriend and if I want to go to the cape for four days I would either go with all my guy friends or with her alone or with a group of people including her. I didn't know that grad students were that immature you should have met some of his friends by now. Maybe he's that one who's immature.
How is it that you have not met this friend - if you all resided in the same locale until her recent graduation? THAT, my dear, is fishy. It means that to this whole group of friends you are a ghost. You are not seen as an important part of his life - they surely have a very skewed idea of the relationship, whether he has spoken about you or not. How on earth did he never say "we're at this pub after class, join us on your way home?" That would be normal. This beach weekend is not.
If it were all on the up-an-up with the girl (he may not be cheating with her for real, but he's certainly engaged in a relationship with her that is not that of a man with a steady girlfriend), he would have A) said a friend from school is coming up on the 12th, can you get away that weekend so we can all go to the beach? or, B) "Jane" is coming up and I'd like to treat her to a trip to the Cape since she was such a good pal this year, you guys never got to meet, so can you come to dinner Thursday night before we take of?
There is a chance, though, that you were originally dismissive of these younger pals and expressed no desire to join in with them...and so he felt it had to be separate. If that's the case you made this bed, to some degree. But, a fun weekend trip, group of friends or just one, is something that any normal BF invites his GF along on. That's what a BF/GF relationship is all about - enjoying these kinds of summer weekend trips TOGETHER with your friends, his friends, new friends...
Oh, and girl weekends are not the same - he KNOWS that girl. How would he feel if you were headed to Vegas with a new male colleague that he had not met? (Actually, he may be relieved, this guys is looking for an exit plan!)
It is not fair to pre-judge all mid-20's men. Some men would do this regardless of their age. This boy / man / idiot, however, is not worth your time.
May I add to the chorus of DUMP HIM.
You've got to be kidding!
The Facts:
1. You are not invited, nor going! 2. The other relationship seems to be soooo important that he would jeopardize your relationship (feelings, intentions, etc.) with a question mark. "?" 3. A college friend who "is coming back JUST to go to the Cape WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND". ??????? Anyone can go to the Cape ON THEIR OWN. The Cape is really not that nice! 4. Do you REALLY need to see it, to believe it? 5. If he was sensitive in your direction, he would invite you and make sure that you come along. GET REAL. THIS IN WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This guy is cheating, cheating, cheating!!!!! No matter which way you swing it, he is cheating. Since you know where he is going, can you not go there for a surprise visit. If you are jealous you will admit it. If it is something else you will know for sure.
My question to you though is, why are you buying what he is selling and why are still sticking around for this? Jealousy or not, this is some straight up BULL!!!
I guess the piece I'm confused about is why you don't just say that you'd like to meet these friends and go for the weekend too, even if just for a day or two. Spend time with his new friends, and put aside whatever age difference or preconceived notions you may have, and maybe that will ease your concerns.
If you suggest going and he gives you 100 reasons why you shouldn't, then you have reason to be suspicious, but for now I think it's be more proactive and positive for you to express interest in meeting them, rather than letting this be a wedge creating a gap between you.
Hey Meredith
Are you joking!! I'm going to invoke the "When Harry Met Sally rule" Guys can't be Just friends with girls. I don't know what planet you’re from but the guys here on earth are always trying to figure out how to bed every girl they meet even the ugly ones it's the biological imperative... This girl has every reason to be on alert because this guy is either gay or going to cheat on her, end of story.
Agree with all the other comments. The issues with it are:
Why doesn't he respect you enough to understand that you are uncomfortable with this?
Why aren't you invited for the weekend too?
Does the other girl know this guy has a serious girlfriend? If she does, what's wrong with her that she think this is ok?
I'm sorry, but he's lying to you and cheating on you- even if it's not physical yet, it will be. Dump him.
This is totally NOT okay. He is IMMATURE and not into your relationship as much as you are. YOU should have been invited also. What's the big deal if there is nothing going on between them. A male adult who is in a relationship doesn't go on any vacation with a female "classmate".... This is wrong on so many levels and you pointed out most of them yourself.
He's a jerk and you deserve better!!
Rico will have a field day with this one. You have to lose this guy. Not just because he is going away with another woman, who you haven't met. Not just because you are not invited on the trip. Simply because he doesn't see this as wrong behavior and he is trying to make this your issue. If he can't understand your discomfort, calls you ridiculous, and likens his weekend with a girl to you spending a weekend with a girl, then he's either a chump or an ass. Either way he is a total loser. Dollars to donuts, the girl he is taking to the Cape doesn't even know you exist. Ask him to introduce you to her, tell him you need a weekend on theCape too, and watch frat boy RUN.
Dump him, you are right go with your gut. He is immature and sefl-centered and doesn't care about your feelings. There is no reason he could not have invited you. Secret relationships are not a good thing, friendships with girls that are not secret are okay.
Wow. I guess if I'm a guy who is involved with someone monogomously for 1.5 years, and am taking off to the Cape with another girl, and can't see why that might pi$$ off my current girlfriend (or is it Friend with benefits in his mind--I wonder.), then I'm an insensitive clod that doesn't deserve my current girlfriend.
If she's flying up especially for this trip, then SHE has expectations, regardless of what this clown is saying. Even if he is sincere, he just doesn't get it. He's not tuned into his current girlfriend.
Girl--you have to descide whether you can wait for him to grow up. I don't consider myself "grown up" all the time, adn I'm in my 40's :)
How old are you again? ?? I can't believe you are only "very upset about this" and not DUMPING him ! It sounds like you have very low expectations from your partner...you've set the bar very low , since he is going ahead with something like that.
I'm in my mid-20s and in a committed relationship as well, and could not even imagine my boyfriend wanting to go on a trip with ANY other girl, no matter what!
Please let us know when will you break up with him!
Agree with all the other comments. The issues with it are:
Why doesn't he respect you enough to understand that you are uncomfortable with this?
Why aren't you invited for the weekend too?
Does the other girl know this guy has a serious girlfriend? If she does, what's wrong with her that she think this is ok?
I'm sorry, but he's lying to you and cheating on you- even if it's not physical yet, it will be. Dump him.
Obviously he wants to score this girl, but has not been given the green light yet by her. Just in case he never gets it, he wants to keep you, his back up plan, around.
I don't think you should say anything at all to him. I think you should go to Maine for a long weekend with some older successful guy.
Believe me, your relationship is over.
He's obviously cheating on you. Why on earth would he go away with another girl for the weekend? If she were a truly platonic friend, he'd invite you along, and the girl would bring her boyfriend, etc. It would be couples going away.
A guy who was really into you would INSIST that you come along, frankly.
By the way, pretending to be "angry and offended" is a diversion tactic - he's attempting to get you to forget about how YOU feel and think about how he's being "insulted" by your suspicions.
Geez.
a few years ago my mid 20's boyfriend took a trip with my best friend. i wasn't worried cause they were friends, she had a boyfriend and he was such a great guy. now they are happily married to each other and i feel like an idiot.
Bwah-hah-hah-hah-hahhhhhhhh! OK, now that I have stopped laughing... the fact that this poor girl is even writing the letter is making me question her sanity. It is not like the other-woman is some "childhood friend", whom is viewed as an honorary family member. Younger Woman? Away for 4 days? Surrrrrrrre, nothing will happen, totally innocent, uh-huh. If she believes that, I've got some Enron Stock she might be interested in. WOW! the sketchy nature of this story might be an all time high for this column... yikes! Run now honey!
This sounds like my husband (before we got married ten years ago) and well before we got serious. He is only one year younger but was not quite ready for a monogamous relationship or marriage. I let him go without anger/bitterness realizing I could not nor did not want to change him nor could I change my feelings and what I wanted/needed from a relationship. Shortly thereafter he realized he wanted to be with me and we have never looked back - no regrets, no bad feelings... We are happily married with a few kids. Let him go and if it is meant to be ...it will happen.
This dude probably hasn't cheated on you, YET. That's what the big weekend is all about, in my opinion. He comparing, taking notes, seeing which one is better. If I were you, I'd tell the little baby to take a hike. THIS BEHAVIOR IS NOT ACCEPTABLE IN ANY COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP -- EVER!
Not Jealous - I totally get where you are coming from and as usual Meredith is spot on with her advice. If I was in your spot I would feel the same way. To that end, I was in a similar spot last year. I was dating this guy for a few months (just casual not serious) and he ended up planning a weekend away with a friend who is a girl. Yes, she was a good friend, but similar to your situation this was a friend that he hadn't known for very long. It was a last minute trip to visit friends out of town and he said he wanted to go with some of his guy friends but none of them could get off work (they were leaving on a Thursday night) so he went with his female friend. I was a little hurt that he didn't even ask me (though I couldn't have taken off work anyways, but that aside as the person he was dating I just thought it would have been the courteous thing to do).
Like you I was upset and found it a little embarassing to tell my friends that the guy I'm dating is going away for the weekend with another girl. But, all my friends talked me off the over-reacting edge (not saying your overreacting, this is a more serious relationship) and I realized that he has aother female friends and in his eyes he thought of her the same way as any other guy friend. I met her the next weekend and turns out she had just started someone else (met him too) and after meeting her and her new guy it made me feel a lot better about the situation.
If you can casually bring it up to your boyfriend that you'd like to meet this girl I think that would be a good thing. Like Meredith said if he doesn't want to introduce you then that's a whole other ball game.
meredith as a bodyguard! that is awesome!.... try and invite yourself, say well if its not a big deal, then im just gonna tag along.... i would love a 4 day weekend at the cape, and would love to see your family again.... if he has any hesitance towards that... you have your answer. i also want to trust the guy, but honestly, dont be a naive sucker. shes flying from texas, for a 4 day weekend with him. you two should be going on the romantic vacation not your bf and someother woman, who clearly either doesnt know about you, or doesnt care.
um, so, yeah. you should leave this relationship. and you probably should have a long time ago. you can't consider yourself in a good relationship if the other person keeps a sh'load of his/her life private and away from you... a good relationship partner will respect your feelings and not get angry because you were being honest about your feelings... if there were nothing to hide, he would have responded "oh, well, come with us then... i honestly thought that you would have no interest and wouldn't care at all... but seriously, i would love it if you came with us." i mean, everyone has fights, but you shouldn't have to accept something that makes you so uncomfortable that you seek the services of an advice columnist. (albeit, an exceptional advice columnist!)
Not Jealous - I totally get where you are coming from and as usual Meredith is spot on with her advice. If I was in your spot I would feel the same way. To that end, I was in a similar spot last year. I was dating this guy for a few months (just casual not serious) and he ended up planning a weekend away with a friend who is a girl. Yes, she was a good friend, but similar to your situation this was a friend that he hadn't known for very long. It was a last minute trip to visit friends out of town and he said he wanted to go with some of his guy friends but none of them could get off work (they were leaving on a Thursday night) so he went with his female friend. I was a little hurt that he didn't even ask me (though I couldn't have taken off work anyways, but that aside as the person he was dating I just thought it would have been the courteous thing to do).
Like you I was upset and found it a little embarassing to tell my friends that the guy I'm dating is going away for the weekend with another girl. But, all my friends talked me off the over-reacting edge (not saying your overreacting, this is a more serious relationship) and I realized that he has aother female friends and in his eyes he thought of her the same way as any other guy friend. I met her the next weekend and turns out she had just started someone else (met him too) and after meeting her and her new guy it made me feel a lot better about the situation.
If you can casually bring it up to your boyfriend that you'd like to meet this girl I think that would be a good thing. Like Meredith said if he doesn't want to introduce you then that's a whole other ball game.
Consider this possiblity: He can't/won't bring himself to break up with you. He has to hurt you to get you to break up with him. Are there any recent signs that might point to this possibility? Little disagreements? Hints of you wanting a commitment that he is running away from?
My ex-girlfriend pulled that on me a month before college graduation. She didn't know how to tell me she wanted to break up, so she hurt me instead.
“Suicide by cop” (definition) - a suicide method in which a person deliberately acts in a threatening way, with the goal of provoking a lethal response from a law enforcement officer, such as being shot to death.
Please consider his 4 day one-on-one vacation with this woman, the relationship equivalent of this term. He’s forcing your hand in the termination of the relationship. He’s been involved with this woman since at least last fall. His story about spending time with his new grad school “friends” that he didn’t want you to meet because you would think they were immature, was evidently, not enough of a clue to you, so now he’s upped the ante. Get it? You expressed your displeasure with the arrangement and he pulled the classic maneuver of turning of the tables on you. Leaving you questioning your instincts and doubting yourself.
Instead of asking ‘Dith and her loyal band of followers to validate your feelings and bash the guy, muster up whatever courage / dignity you have remaining and end the relationship. End it before the start of their vacation.
p.s. Meredith was being far too polite and skirted the issue with the excuse that he’s not ready to be an adult yet. I have delivered the cold, hard, truth to you. Do with it what you will.
- Hoss
You absolutely cannot trust either your bf or his friend on this trip. Shame on your bf for thinking that taking a vacation with a female is acceptable when he is in a committed relationship with you. It is not normal, and anyone who says that guys and girls can engage in such vacations at a platonic level is naïve and has very low self respect. It’s disrespectful for him to give the appearance of impropriety. And, shame on the ‘friend’ for flying down to vacation with a taken guy and prance around in a bikini – that screams desperate and home wrecker. I think you should be straight forward with him, tell him that you find his behavior inappropriate and are perturbed that he even has a desire to go on vacation with another girl. When you truly love someone and want to be with them, the desire to spend a 4 day vacation w/out them AND instead with another friend of the opposite sex is unnatural and a red flag for the future.
Unless this other woman is gay and has no interest in men, sorry, but there's going to be some fooling around going on. I have no doubt about that. He is not including you on this trip because he doesn't want you to get in the way. If he can't see why you're not comfortable with this, HE'S the one with the problem, not you. Tell him so. If he still doesn't get it, buh-bye. There are other, more mature, fish in the sea.
There was a reason it took your man 1 year of casually dating you to become "serious", he wasn't sure, and he obviously still isn't!! Your man is up to no good. You need to kick him to the curb before he leaves on his get-a-way weekend. You'll be better off, he is blatantly disrespecting you and he doesn't deserve you.
This is all so plain and simple. This 30-ish girl is dating a 20-ish guy and after three years into the relationship, there is still no commitment from the 20-ish guy. Move on, girl! Just be thankful that you didn't sleep with the guy so you don't have to lose your self-respect.
The fact that he doesn't recognize what's wrong with this scenario is indicative of his maturity level. Any committed individual wouldn't disrespect their significant other in this way. If they were life long buddies, I could see it. The fact that he's in his 20's and not married? I know what I would have been up to, even if I wasn't being honest with myself at the time. Find yourself a real man.
Consider this possiblity: He can't/won't bring himself to break up with you. He has to hurt you to get you to break up with him. Are there any recent signs that might point to this possibility? Little disagreements? Hints of you wanting a commitment that he is running away from?
My ex-girlfriend pulled that on me a month before college graduation. She didn't know how to tell me she wanted to break up, so she hurt me instead.
What He's really looking for is for you to tell him it's OK. He also wants you to offer to join them in some experimental behavior.
Have the Cheaters TV crew follow him for the weekend and then confront him at the cape on Monday or just pop in yourself for a visit at some point during the weekend if you want to know for sure.
Oh man, this is pretty tough. I think it's fair to assume SOMETHING is going on... Otherwise, why so secretive? Why doesn't he bring you along, too? What kind of fun could the two of them have that his serious girlfriend couldn't be a part as well? My guess is, he doesn't want to cheat on you, and has no plans to. But he probably loves the attention this new girl is showering on him, and if you were there, you'd probably spoil the whole thing for him. Again, not that he plans on cheating (after all, it would have been a lot easier for him to tell you he was going with some guy friends, then just go with her instead). He's probably caught in the middle of some crisis: stick around with my older, wiser, probably more attractive, long-term girlfriend, or live it up while I'm young with a (slightly) younger, probably less successful and no strings attached gal pal.
Honestly, I've never been the kind of guy to tell girls to wait it out and see what happens, but being a 25 year old single guy, I'd say be really really angry at him while he's galavanting off to the cape, and when he comes back, let him know you're pissed. If he doesn't care about your feelings, then I think you know what you need to do: find someone more emotionally mature, and more capable of committment. If he seems remorseful, chances are he understands why he shouldn't have left you home alone, and may be ready to be more serious with you and stop hanging around with immature friends (not that his friends NEED your approval, but if he thinks they're immature, why hang out with them unless he's clinging to some silly idea of what youth is?).
WORST case scenario: he cheats, but tells you about it (he seems honest enough). I'd put money on him not being receptive your frustration, and him defending his decision to an angry you when he comes back from a "really wholesome and fun 4-night trip."
Meredith is right; you're completely right in your being angry at this buffoon. Keep the anger up, and find out why he needs to go with this girl alone.
He's just not that into you.
If you actually believe this is strictly platonic...I've got tjhis bridge in Brooklyn I've been trying to sell and you are just the buyer I've been looking for!
Why can't you go too?
If you actually believe this is strictly platonic...I've got tjhis bridge in Brooklyn I've been trying to sell and you are just the buyer I've been looking for!
This sounds EXACTLY like a guy i was dating... right before he dumped me. I had a real job, was a little farther along in life than he was, and he started getting really close to his much younger friends in college, whom he didn't really want me to meet. Aside from the ridIIIIculous weekend thing, anytime a guy keeps his friends from you like that, you should see big, flashing red lights. ABORT, ABORT.
I do think platonic relationships are possible. I'm living proof.. I have more male friends than female, and I've even traveled with one on occasion (both straight, at that.) Nothing ever happened. That said...
In regard to this letter, I think this guy has had two girlfriends for a year and neither knew the other existed.
The end.
This is so sad, I'm sorry.
Best case: he's a dolt with no respect for you. Sox09 said it well.
Worst case: he's already or is planning on cheating on you.
Lose-lose for you. :(
When my dear husband and I were first dating in College, he was totally smitten with me. He introduced me to EVERYONE, and I mean EVERYONE he knew. Family, friends, acquaintances, classmates, the neighbors, professors, I mean everyone. It started to be funny how proud he was that I was his girlfriend.
Your guy is going off with a much younger girl who you haven't met and perhaps does NOT even know you exist at "THE GIRLFRIEND". Wow! Leave him at the kid’s table and go find yourself a real grown up. You are right to be upset and frankly as one of the old lady posters here, I’ll tell you bluntly that if you put up with this from him now, his behavior will only get worse as you continue to date.
Rico won't need much to tell you the answer...He thinks this:
Rico thinks you should tell him to enjoy his friend this weekend since this friend must mean more to him than your relationship. Sorry to say but Rico is not an ultimatum type of guy but this case warrants just that. Go with her for the weekend without me and you walk. Rico assumes it is too late for this since today is Friday and he went last night? Bottom line is that he probably has already had some romantic time with this other girl. Things happen between men and women even when they are just "friends". Rico has been to grad school and remembers those long nights working with a group or a partner on a project. That was some years ago and lots of great memories. Sorry, it's the truth and it sucks but lets be realistic and call it what it is.
Now for Rico's commentary:
You've been dating him for 2+ years and you in your 30's he is in his 20's. Again, Rico hates to be the bearer of bad news but here goes. He has been very comfy having you around these past couple years. Sex on demand, someone there for a date or to just spend time with when he needs. Grad school or not, this guy was just not ready to commit to a full relationship and he has strung you along. If things this weekend work out with this "friend" you may find yourself without a boyfriend. He loves you or he loves that you have been around to occupy his free time and satisfy his needs? Date someone your own age/maturity level and you will be amazed.
Rico suggests that you go out this weekend with your friends and have a great time...don't hesitate to meet other guys and make connections since you might be in the dating scene sooner than later. Rico never suggests cheating or lining up but right now you need to focus on having a good time. Don't cheat but keep your mind open to the possibility you will be single by the start of next week. Chances are if things go well with his friend this weekend your boyfriend is going to start seeing much less of you and spending a lot more time with his "friends" which is code for another girl he has interest in. Any guy that takes a girl away to his fmaily's home for the weekend...(long weekend yet) has something else in mind than just hanging with his buddy. You have evry right to be upset at him but don't forget, you are the one allowing this to happen. Why aren't you with him at this? Why didn't you insist on meeting this girl? Are you that desperate that you need a young guy to make you feel wanted/needed? Rico thinks you might be living in a fantasy land thinking this guy wouldn't cheat on you.
Rico is speaking from first hand experience here. He has been to grad school, had "friends" at grad school and knows guys that strung girls along for years till they finished school or just found someone they thought was a better fit for them. This is not uncommon and although people get hurt it is a fact of life. Rico thinks you need to just open your eyes and be a little more realistic with what is going on. Most likely you don;t have the relationship you thought you did. 2+ years not living together or engaged or any mention of marriage that you wrote about. Where did you think this relationship was going? No offense but Rico calls them as he sees them and this one was a young guy looking out for himself and not thinking about you and your feelings or your future. Most guys like girls younger than them (MOST, not all) and he is likely one of those guys. Sorry, that's how Rico sees it.
Love always and have a great weekend,
Rico
Please write in and update us, We hope all works out fine but history tells us otherwise.
Nice weather forecasted, get out and enjoy...Bikes not Bombs
I could cry for you. You must have knots the size of softballs in your stomach.
L/W:
Meredith is compassionate. Listen to her.
Don't waste the gas to go spy!! This fool is not worth it and I think you already know what you will find. When he comes back end the relationship. I would avoid him like the swine flu, he deserves nothing from you.
I very much agree with #3 (booklover). Relationships would be so much smoother if each person asked themselves how the other person would feel if the situation were reversed. For example – my best guy friend from high school came to visit for a night and in the past we’ve always shared by bed. I thought nothing of it because we are platonic and I knew nothing would happen. I was about to go to battle with my new boyfriend if he had a problem with it. But before I did, I flipped the situation in my mind and realized I would not be ok with a platonic best girl friend of his sleeping in the same bed as him. That spot is reserved for me! My friend got the couch and understood. In turn, boyfriend was very appreciative of me taking his feelings into account
So back to the LW – there are some very serious issues here, two of which are 1- the fact he refuses to introduce you to his friends who he’s spending significant time with and 2 - he’s completely dismissing and invalidating your (very valid) concerns. These two factors make the present situation very questionable and if he’s not mature enough to see this, it may be time to reevaluate where things are going - and I'm not talking about the trip to the Cape.
On the one hand, yeah, this is bad news. You should trust yourself and not be embarrassed about making a big deal out of it. If you are worried about what other people think, that means YOU are worried and that's what's important here.
On the other hand, if the guy really thinks that there is nothing fishy about this situation -- I mean, grad student or not, do you really want to be with someone who is that naive?
freddy
Not Jealous, I see lots of red flags here. I don't get a warm fuzzy feeling from this friendship with Miss Texas. The fact that you have been dating him exclusively for nearly 2 years and don't know this 'friend' or any information about her (whether she's a grad student/undergrad, etc.) is very concerning. If she was such a good platonic friend wouldn't you have met her or wouldn't he have brought her up more in conversations between the 2 of you like "my friend Sherry is writing her graduate thesis on ..." or "Sherry's applying to MBA programs for grad school". I find it strange that she is flying 'all the way from Texas' for 4 days to see a buddy?! Why aren't you invited for the 4 day weekend soiree? You assume she will be seeing other friends, then why wasn't it mentioned? "Sherry is staying at my parents' house Friday, but then on Saturday she's going to the Vineyard to see Mike and Chris, who are bartending in Oak Bluffs for the summer." The lack of details seem shady.
Honestly, he sounds too young and immature for you. You met him 3 years ago when he was in his early 20s-still a kid really- and you were in your late 20's. Now in your 30s you are in a different life-phase and well, he's still young-in grad school. He has cultivated a life separate from the two of you with friends at school "He said he hasn't introduced me to these friends because he assumes I may find them immature." If you are serious about him, wouldn't you want to know the other friends in his life no matter how 'immature' they maybe? Don't you think it's strange that you both live nearby and you know nothing about these friends and have never met them? He has compartmentalized your relationship. I had a housemate in college who did the same thing. He had the wealthy 30-something financeer girlfriend with a condo on Beacon Hill and a bedroom with a revolving door of co-eds at our rental house in a student ghetto. The end of that story wasn't very pretty. And don't count on the parents/relatives to chaperone your boyfriend. In fact, as nice as they are to you, they may actually be facilitating his relationship with other younger woman. Not many parents are happy that their son is dating an 'older woman' in her 30s, even if the difference is a few years. I saw this happen to a friend. She was 4 years older than her boyfriend. They had been dating exclusively (so she thought) for 3.5 years. He said he wanted to talk about something serious- she thought he was proposing to her-then he broke up with her out of the blue! She was devastated. It appears that as nice as his family was to my friend, behind her back, his mother was lining up younger women (friend's daughters, etc.). After a nearly 4 year relationship, he broke up with my friend and married a younger woman (who his mother had lined up ) only 6 months later! He seems too young for you. I think you will only end up with a broken heart at the end of this scenario. I would start lining up more age and lifestyle appropriate friends.As they say in maritime world-brace yer self -we're in for a blow!
did he invite you? If not, DUMP. HIM. Ugh. The thought of someone doing this to his girlfriend makes me feel sick.
This letter makes me sad. You seem like you're trying to be as fair and open-minded as possible, but the whole time I was reading your letter, I was thinking about what I would do if my husband was going away with a new woman in his life for 4 days. I am really happy with Meredith's response, because what he is doing is really hurtful in my opinion. Maybe he doesn't mean it to be, or maybe this is his passive-aggressive way of trying to be in his 20's and not your 30's (that's his right), but this is not the right way to handle this situation after 2 and a half years. Looks like you might be the one who has to address it.
Meredith's idea of sending your BF a link to this blog is spot on. The responses here are unanimous and the ones from the men are particularly good. BTW it's great to see so many thoughtful responses and no flame throwers. I didn't see a single reference to someone being called a "moron" today - it's a first!
I think it's fine as long as there aren't going to be strippers on the vacation.
Why can't he make his own damn grilled cheese sandwiches!
2.5 very casually. 1.5 supposedly monogamous. I bet the first year you were not just dating him very casually but he was... But that's a different story.
You are not in a serious relationship. He is using you. He's a broke grad student. You provide comfort, financial security, and guaranteed sex. I bet his future plans after he graduates do not include you. Of course, he's not going to leave you for a younger woman, yet. He can just sleep with her (after all, she's very "immature", right?).
Also, think about it: his parents are not going to be there. His aunt and uncle are going to be there "for the weekend" - I bet they are coming on Friday and leaving on Sunday... They won't be there the whole time.
Finally, you fell for his argument. He's trying to argue that a man and a woman can be just friends and spend lots of time together. Well, sometimes this is true I have female friends to which I'm not attracted at all. But I doubt this is his case. Again, she's probably young and hot. He'd hit that.
I'm with other readers: the age difference is an issue. You need and older man. There are plenty of guys in their early 30s who would love to have you.
I'm waiting for Rico's response. I know he hates cheaters.
Something is definitely up. Dump him. Guys and girls are never platonic friends. One of the pair will always be interested in the other one.
CC Not Jealous
DON;T try to coverup YOUR insecurities by relying your important decisions on Meredith.IT IS FACT he won't introduce you to her.decide now. talk.
Hoss and lot of his other friends know very well that if he says he won't, then he won't introduce you. that's that.if he says he won't convert, he won't. this is cheating morally. if he is given the oppurtunity ,he will cheat. men are men.
Deal the cards you are dealt with.
Perhaps for you the only silver lining in this mess is that he’s not traveling to the end of the Cape with a guy he met at school. After that, I think we can assume that jealousy aside, the tea leaves read “Steep it and Weep”. Here’s what I think he’s doing: He’s creating an impossible situation so that you’ll be forced to break up with him…so He’s not the bad guy. Your boy is a child…You are his mommy…which makes you an Oedophile. Omitting you from his new circle of friends by deciding you wouldn’t like them is controlling, manipulative and has all the trappings of a self-fulfilling prophecy. He’s what’s known in the business as a “Mom and Popper Liner Upper”: He’s waiting to see how his family likes his friend from TX. He’s seeking approval. Why weren’t you invited? Does she know about you? The other possibility is that he’s running girls through the parental chipper to hide the fact that he wants to rock Tea Dance at the end of Route 6. Fabulous!
No guy that is serious about his girlfriend, and has the maturity to be serious about his girlfriend, would attempt to do this. He has a responsibility to at least introduce you, and probably also invite you down for some portion, if not all, of the weekend. He is completely out of line and when I read that he is offended by your response to this situation - it sounds passive aggressive on his part. Kick him to the curb - no one would blame you....
Furthermore - the other girl should be asking to meet you and why you aren't coming down at all....unless she has another motive. She is as out of line as your boyfriend is....
I would be very hurt if my boyfriend did this to me. The fact that:
a) you've never met this girl
b) he hasn't invited you to come along, and
c) that she is flying all the way from Texas to spend time with him, alone, makes me think that something is definitely going on between the two of them.
No respectful boyfriend would ever do that. Ask him why you can't come along and spend time with his new friend. If she's that important to him, then you'd think he'd want you to meet him. But then again, I could say the same about you - if you were that important to him, he would want HER to meet YOU. Confront him about it, and if he still tries to put the blame on your jealousy/insecurities, then dump his ass! He is not worth it.
Don't live with regret; and you can't force someone to not do something they want to do. Life is way too precious to supress your insecurities.
I agree with Hoss. He's sabatoging the relationship so you are the one to break it off. Then he can pick up with this new girl he's lined up. Classic.
The fact that you were casually dating for a year is a bad sign. He sounds like a liner upper. I bet this girl is very attractive and probably why you haven't met her. What happens on the Cape, ...
Meredith's idea of sending your BF a link to this blog is spot on. The responses here are unanimous and the ones from the men are particularly good. BTW it's great to see so many thoughtful responses and no flame throwers. I didn't see a single reference to someone being called a "moron" today - it's a first!
If the subject of the letter is who I think it is, then here's some info: The vacation companion is not a "she" and you not being introduced to his newer friends is not because you might disapprove of them for their "immaturity".
if this other girl is such a close friend of his, why hasn't he introduced you to her? I also find it strange that someone in his mid-twenties has befriended a bunch of recent college grads. Probably because he's afraid to grow up and wants to be perpetually stuck in the carefree days of student life, beer pong, young girls and living paycheck to paycheck. I know someone like this who is in his early 30's and he has trouble dating women close to his age because he has nothing to offer them. I say dump this guy. Not necessarily because he's taking another girl to the Cape (even though that is pretty messed up), but because he's clearly in different stage of life than you. He'll do nothing but frustrate you and hold you back.
CC - you are allowing him to manipulate your feelings with sweet words of apology or promises never to cheat on you again. Be realistic. Do you honestly believe this was a one-time event, or do your instincts tell you that he'll probably cheat on you again in the future? Can you continue to enjoy the relationship, knowing about the betrayal?
CC - if you have done the samething, taking a "guy" with you on weekends, and didn't ask "him" to accompany you, if he is ok with all that, then as Meredith says, what's for to concern. if you were given the oppurtunity , you would do the same. This is not cheating either by you or him.This is all sharing in an open relationship.
A couple more things:
1. Meredith is wise beyond her years.
2. I would be happy to have Meredith’s back. She is a sensible gal. You should listen to her.
3. I agree with several of the other posters that there is a strong possibility that he trying to get you to break up with him so he can play the victim to all friends for whom you are a ghost.
Picture it with me, if you will . . .
As they sit on the beach at sunset, wind blowing rakishly his luxurious hair in to his eyes. As he looks out on to the ocean, he sniffs quietly with a lone tear streaming his face.
His 4-day weekend 20-something female friend (4DW20SF) notices his quiet distress and asks, “What is the matter? Is there anything I can do to help?”
Shaking his head in an effort to look brave he replies, "My girlfriend didn't trust me and she broke with me. I feel so all-alone. It was so sudden."
4DW20SF reaches over and grabs his hands in her and looks deeply into his eyes and says “You’re not alone, you’ve got me.”
And before the weekend is over they are making lots of grilled cheese sandwiches together.
Not to point out the obvious but....NONE of the people commenting here find his behaviour acceptable (for various reasons, all valid) ! Are you going to do something about it (a.k.a break up) or will you just stick around waisting your time with this immature prick?
HE'S A LOSER!
YOU HAVE TO STAND UP FOR YOURSELF, DEMAND WHAT'S COMING TO YOU!
I'M SURPRISED IT LASTED THIS LONG!
YOUR PARENTS WERE RIGHT!
DO WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO DO TO SAVE YOUR SANITY!
YOU'RE BUYING YOURSELF A LIFETIME OF PAIN AND SUFFERING!
STOP FOOLING YOURSELF GIRLFRIEND!
YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN THIS COMING YEARS AGO!
CUT HIM OFF BEFORE HE RUINS YOUR LIFE!
FYI, Rico is nto done here, he is going to be back and has plenty more to say. That was just the beginning...
Rico thinks also that he is using an age old method that people use (Rico used it too in his past) to break up with someone. They make you break up with them so they don't have to be the "bad guy" doing the break up. It is easier for him to force you to dump him than for him to be the dumper, especially that you are older so it doesn't look like an age issue.
Again, very sorry to be the bearer of the bad news, Rico has your back as well...
Love again and always,
Rico
Pllleeeaassee send him the link to this so he can be taken down a peg or two...
You're right. Either he's looking to cheat on you with her, or the friend is looking to rope him away... definitely. If you actually do trust that he is not looking elsewhere, then it's probably more the latter. Hey, it happens quite often with the slightly older guy / college girl scenario... This "friend" has probably played this whole thing up under the "harmless trip between friends" scenario, but I really don't see how she can't have "intentions". I don't know the guy, but he's either extremely naive or he does have "intentions" of his own...
Why wouldn't you go too? Do you have a scheduling conflict or were you not invited? Did he un-invite you under the "you wouldn't be interested" policy? Did you offer to join them or are you playing the "too hurt to be included" card? (not advised, if so -- it doesn't help anything...)
I agree re: a big difference between a long-standing female friend vs. this. Someone so new, younger and from school?? Yeah, they still haven't got past that "friends?" comfort phase quite yet..... You're right and you need to tell him it's really not that cool. Hell, even throwing in another girl from school on this trip would do the trick (let alone another guy), but the 1-on-1?? No deal.
Ouch! You have been stung, and I just felt it from across the internets.
I get the sense that your BF does not think of you as his monogamous GF, at least not in the sense that he's planning for a future with you. I actually think he's playing it honest so that he can throw this right in your face because he's too cowardly to be direct and break up with you. Total passive aggression.
I once dated a guy who was 13 years older than me. I was in my mid-twenties and was a graduate student at the time. I was never that into him. But he had a phat pad and bought me anything my heart desired. In the 6-7 months that we dated, we spent a lot of time together - took trips together, he met my family, etc. But, like I said, I was never that into him. In the first month that we were dating, I took off on spring break to fly across country to visit a male friend (someone I had previously dated). I just told him that I was going to visit "my friends." I totally cheated on him, I guess, although we weren't really "official" by then. Honestly, I stayed with him because I felt bad for him. He was well-meaning, a nice guy, kind of lonely, and had a lot of affection to unload. In the time that we were in a "monogamous relationship", I went to the Cape with my close friends (male and female) for the Fourth of July, but wasn't allowed to stay overnight (which is probably good because I would have cheated again). I also went to visit my "friends" in NYC for a weekend (during which time I cheated again with my ex-boyfriend). I finally mustered up the courage to dump this guy. I didn't tell him about my indiscretions because that was never really the point. I was with him out of guilt - there was really never a future.
I suggest you take a close look at your relationship potential. Why are you two together? Where is all of this going? What are the pros and cons of your relationship? If the cons outweigh the pros then be proactive and initiate the break-up...before he breaks up with you.
Why don't you invite yourself on that weekend trip and then you would really see what is going on.
get out of this relationship while you still can.
RUN GIRL RUN.
Forbid it or MOVE on. Next!
Seems unanimous here....
Dude's am immature tool.
Dump him.
This situation is totally shady. I think #77 might be on to something with the idea he's actually been dating this girl for the past year. That's a more logical reason to not introduce you to his friends than their maturity level. I also think it's weird he would be friends with college-aged kids. I'm in grad school, and none of my friends hang out with the undergrads -- not even a little.
But, even if he's not cheating on you, even if he has no intention to cheat on you... the fact that he has so blatantly disrespected your entirely valid feelings regarding this matter, is enough to be a serious red flag. I know you've invested a lot of time and energy in this relationship, so that "dump him!" may not be what you want to do. However, at the very least, you need to have a paradigm-shifting talk with him -- preferably, it will end with him crying and vowing in good faith to never do anything like this again.
Honestly, though, he sounds like a schmuck.
there really needs to be a "love letters aftermath" column where previous writers can write in again and tell how things ended up, who's advice they took and all the hilarious/gut wrenching details. still wondering if that poor sap ever managed to get a grilled cheese.
The age difference is the real reason here. You in your early 30's are assumably looking to settle down and he in his mid 20's is looking to blow off some steam after a year of studying at grad school. This girl is flying up just to go to the Cape?!? Why would she spend the $$ (a student with low cash assumably) to fly up if there was not potential or already a history? I think he is looking for an out and if I were you I would end it as soon as he comes home and leave on your own terms. This has lack of respect written all over it. Date someone closer to your own age that you deserve and you will be much better off in the long run.
I'm a guy and trust me... he is going to cheat on you. Dump him and enjoy your weekend, if he were that great of a guy he would have invited you to go along or at least introduced you. Dump him, dump him now. Don't think about it just do it.
Hoss (comment #62) summed it up perfectly. This is a HUGE passive-aggressive move on your boyfriend's (and I use the term loosely...you can bet every penny you have that he doesn't consider you his girlfriend) part, to get you to get angry and break up with him so he doesn't need to do the dirty deed. Who in their mid-20s -- hell, who in their mid-TEENS - would never introduce the woman he's been "seriously" dating for over a year to his schoolmates/co-workers/colleagues, what have you. Who would think it is okay to spend 4 days alone in the same quarters as an opposite sex friend whom he has never introduced to his significant other? This young little friend of his has never even heard of you. You are a safety net, a temp worker he keeps on the job til he finds the real thing. You say you are "not jealous," but come ON...if you are falling for this load of horse droppings, you've got bigger problems than a newspaper columnist can solve. Dump him now and work on yourself before dating anyon else.
#34 - bang her like a screen door in the wind -- Brilliant line!
And painfully true.
He's lining one up in the chute. Just walk away now before you're truly devastated. Even if he's the one in a gajillion guys who wouldn't sleep with little miss thang, he's not mature enough to meet your needs.
So wrong.