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Taking another girl to the Cape

Posted by Meredith Goldstein  June 12, 2009 10:00 AM

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In honor of the fact that I'm going to the Cape for a few days next week (yes, I'll be posting letters from the road), here's one about a trip down Route 3.

Q: Am I out of line in being upset that my boyfriend is spending a long weekend away on the Cape with another girl? I'd love to get some outside opinions on this.

A little bit of background: we have known each other for almost 3 years, started dating very casually perhaps 2.5 years ago but have been in a monogamous relationship for 1.5 years. We don't live together but do live nearby and see each other more evenings than not (and most weekends).

He is a grad student. Last fall, he befriended some seniors who I haven't met (I do know many of his grad school friends). He said he hasn't introduced me to these friends because he assumes I may find them immature (this may be true, I am in my early 30s and he is in his mid 20s).

Anyway, he has apparently become quite close with one girl, whom I have never met and know very little about, except that she just graduated last month (from undergrad or grad school, I'm not sure?). She went home to Texas for the summer but is flying back here to Boston supposedly for the sole purpose of going to the Cape with my boyfriend (although I could probably assume she will visit with other friends while she is here). His parents own a house on the Cape, and we recently spent Memorial Day weekend there together (with his parents) and had a wonderful time.

I have told him I am very upset about this and that I think it is inappropriate, but he insists that I am being ridiculous, they are simply good friends. A few weeks ago I said I would just get over it and stop being jealous about this. I should note that we do not have any history of cheating between us, and that I am normally not jealous of his female friends.

Yesterday he told me this "weekend" has now turned into leaving on Thursday night and coming back Monday night (4 days!). He says they will be "chaperoned" since his aunt and uncle will also be at the house for the weekend, and that I have nothing to worry about since he loves and cares about me. He is actually quite angry and offended because he believes that I don't trust him.

He can not understand why this bothers me, he thinks it’s the same as when one of my best girlfriends and I (who I have known for over 15 years) go to my parents in Vermont or take other trips together.

My issue is not that I assume he is going to cheat on me with her (I do trust him), it’s that...
1) I can't understand how two people (guy & girl) can spend 4 days straight together in a 1 on 1 situation and not be either romantically involved or long-time friends (i.e. if this was some friend from high school or college that he has known for years, or traveled with in the past, I might understand). Is this girl interested in him? Can he blame me for wondering?
2) This whole thing would be so much easier to swallow if there were a group of friends going.
3) I find it almost embarrassing! How do I tell people who might ask, "Where is your boyfriend this weekend?" and I answer with "Oh, you know, he just went down to the Cape on a 4-day vacation with some girl I've never met and that he's known for less than a year"
4) Not only that, I can't imagine what his parents/family might think? I have spent a fair amount of time with his family in recent months - how might they react to the fact that he brings a different girl to the Cape house each month, even though I have been the one present at family gatherings for the past year or more?

Please tell me why I should either calm down and forget about this (I admit I have some insecurities, don't we all?), or that I am justified in my reaction - I lost a lot of sleep last night over this!

THANK YOU for your help.
Trying not to be Jealous, Watertown, MA

A: TNTBJ,

Ok. I'm going to start with your numbered points (and thank you for being so organized).

1. Heterosexual men and women can absolutely spend time together platonically, even on vacation, even if they’re new in each other’s lives. It’s totally possible. But ...
2. You’re right – it would be easier to swallow if there were other people going on this trip. He should be sensitive to that. I’m with you.
3. Don’t worry about embarrassment. The only person who really cares about this is you.
4. See point 3. His parents might get confused, but is that really the problem here?

Let’s be honest. You’re afraid he’s going to cheat or that he’s lining her up. You don’t understand why he wants so much alone time with a person who just happens to be a college gal who has time to run off to the beach with your significant other.

The fact that you feel this way doesn’t mean you’re clingy or paranoid. It means you’re normal. Anyone who says they wouldn’t feel the same way is a big, big liar.

Yes, this would be easier to understand if they were longtime friends who met in grade school. It would also be easier if he introduced you to her – if he made this new relationship less threatening in any way.

And what’s this nonsense about a chaperone? Does he need one?

My guess is that he’s a guy caught between his 20s and 30s. He's not quite ready to leave the kiddie table, which is why he found a group of college seniors to validate his wants and needs. Meanwhile, you're at the grown-up table with rules, timelines, and real commitments.

If he can’t join you in the land of adults – and if he won't introduce you to these friends and show them (and you) that you’re a real part of his life – you have every right to assume he’s leaving you out for a reason. He should know better. And he should care about making you feel safe.

You’re not wrong. And you can send him a link to this if you need to. I’ve got your back.

Readers? Do you agree? I’m all for platonic trips to the Cape, but this one’s sort of not so great. Thoughts? Share here.

No sleep 'till Dennis, Meredith

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285 comments so far...
  1. Totally sketchy, totally not OK. Why aren't you going as well? That makes no sense. Lots of red flags. Not too be harsh, but I think he should get the boot. All this fishiness stinks!

    Posted by other fish in the sea June 12, 09 10:24 AM
  1. The whole situation is suspect, in my opinion.

    It might sit better if TNTBJ actually met the girl. At least it would give her a chance to check out this girl. If the boyfriend refuses to introduce them to each other, then is he hiding something?

    I don't know why he doesn't introduce her to his classmates. The excuse that they're less mature doesn't seem to fly. Does he have issues with the fact that he's seeing a woman who's older than he is?

    Posted by Eva June 12, 09 10:29 AM
  1. In my opinion, this is about respect. Simply put, what he's doing is improper if he is in any type of committed relationship. He should ask himself how he would feel if you were the one going away for the weekend with a single guy friend who you've known briefly and who he's never met. If he can HONESTLY answer that it wouldn't bother him one bit (which I think is a big fat lie) then fine, go on your weekend and have fun. I would not be okay with it whether I trusted the guy or not. He should have invited you to go along and then it would have been fine. Why is it necessary for them to go without you?

    You have some decisions to make, because you shouldn't be put in this position at all. What bothers me is that he doesn't understand why it bothers you. I think if he simply puts himself in your position then maybe he might start to understand.

    Posted by booklover June 12, 09 10:32 AM
  1. I think you should dump him before he goes. You clearly are not going to get over it and he's still going to go. Chaperone or not on the weekend trip, he's a tool in his 20's who doesn't really care about his girlfriend.

    Why waste your time? Date someone older.

    Posted by Sabs June 12, 09 10:33 AM
  1. If they're just friends, why isn't the girlfriend going too?? This is weird and I wouldn't like it either. I supposed he'd be real cool with this lady going on a 4 day vacation with a male coworker that he's never met right?

    Posted by krystyn June 12, 09 10:34 AM
  1. I can't believe you are even being calm about this. I would flip out if I were you. You aren't being jealous, as Meredith said, you are being normal.

    I think this guy is either trying to cheat on you or ease out of your relationship together. If this woman is such a good friend of your boyfriends, she should want to meet you as well.

    Why the heck weren't you invited too?

    I say dump this immature guy - today, before he goes. That will put a damper on his weekend. He isn't worth your time.

    Posted by Tricia June 12, 09 10:35 AM
  1. If you fall for his story, you need to get down to New York fast.
    I hear there's a bridge for sale there.

    Posted by Shecky28 June 12, 09 10:35 AM
  1. The guy is a sociopath, and you are a chump

    Posted by wakeup June 12, 09 10:37 AM
  1. TNTBJ,

    Your boyfriend is a total tool, and this situation is totally wierd. You should be angry and I dont think at anytime this would be acceptable, especially when you never met this girl before. It would be one thing if she was a friend that was joining the two of you on a trip but this is really out of line.

    Posted by annonymous June 12, 09 10:37 AM
  1. I think it is inappropriate. Why would he not suggest you come with them and get to know her if he feels the friendship with her is that important. How would he feel if you did this with a co-worker etc. I think your feelings are justified.

    Posted by DEDE June 12, 09 10:37 AM
  1. I'd be pissed off. Sounds line a situation I was in once in my 20's, and I did end up getting drunk and cheated my girlfriend down the Cape. i agree, this sopund st me like tio should be a group 9college) weekend. I'm a bit perplexed about the one on one.

    Being a cougar might be the in thing now, but as you can see, it has its down side too. Sounds like he is immature, and will cheat on you. Dump him now.

    Posted by thomaschealz June 12, 09 10:38 AM
  1. Hmm...younger chick whom he met at school whom you don't know and he's taking her to the Cape this weekend without you.

    Yeah, I wouldn't suspect a thing.

    PS- today is Sarcasm Day.

    Posted by JimmySomerville June 12, 09 10:38 AM
  1. He is cheating on you.

    Posted by Matt June 12, 09 10:39 AM
  1. Don't walk away, RUN and don't look back. Don't let others make you feel bad for having completely valid feelings about this situation. You and this guy are at different places in your life. Find someone who can understand that this situation is problematic. RUN.

    Posted by PoliteG June 12, 09 10:40 AM
  1. OMG I can't believe he is doing this to you. First of all men in their 20's think with the brain between their legs. It is totally inapproriate for him to be doing this to you. Secondly, no women that had one iota of class, would go away with a man that is in a commited relationship, without wanting to meet his girlfriend, to at least offer some assurance that everything is above board.

    This is a definate hook up in my opinion, I bet if you insist on going along for the 4 days, you will see a much different tune with your boyfriend. Do yourself a favor tell him you have decided to go along "invite yourself" and see the response you get.

    Then kick him to the curb, and find an adult to date.

    Posted by pepperlevine June 12, 09 10:41 AM
  1. Meredith - I liked how you said you have this woman's back. I do too.

    Posted by Tricia June 12, 09 10:42 AM
  1. You are not wrong - but he is not ready. Sadly, telling him this probably won't make him ready either - he's got to figure that out on his own. Leave him and find a man that doesn't need to spend 4 days with another woman, not matter if it's platonic or not. You both are just not on the same level of commitment. Sorry.

    Posted by Been there. June 12, 09 10:42 AM
  1. You are not wrong - but he is not ready. Sadly, telling him this probably won't make him ready either - he's got to figure that out on his own. Leave him and find a man that doesn't need to spend 4 days with another woman, not matter if it's platonic or not. You both are just not on the same level of commitment. Sorry.

    Posted by Been there. June 12, 09 10:42 AM
  1. This is NOT OK.

    Posted by k June 12, 09 10:42 AM
  1. Ok, so I kind of see both sides of this...here's why. I am a woman, and the majority of my friends are guys. I am a sports nut, and hate drama, so I guess I relate better with the guys. I could easily spend 4 days down the cape with one of my guy friends, and it would be nothing but platonic. However...out of respect for my boyfriend, I don't think I would actually do that. I would either invite him along, or make it more of a group type of thing. In general, I don't have anyone I consider friends that my boyfriend hasn't met, immature or otherwise. If I were in your shoes, I would be extremely annoyed, maybe even jealous of the fact that this girl you don't even know gets 4 days of 1 on 1 time with your boyfriend...would be nice of him to plan that for the two of you, no? I see where you are coming from, I don't want to call it unacceptable, because I know that a relationship between a guy and girl can be totally platonic, but in respect for your relationship, he should be thinking this through more. What exactly will they be doing for 4 days? Just seems like a long time, especially for a new friend? I, like Meredith, have your back...

    Posted by Sox09 June 12, 09 10:42 AM
  1. Hate to tell you but Duh of course he's cheating on you.
    Why don’t you just take a ride to this cabin, do not tell him you’re going down, do a little spying and I’m sure you'll get all the evidence that you'll need. This way you'll confirm your suspicion and you won’t have to keep living with this constant stress about is he or isn’t he in your life.

    Posted by Trent June 12, 09 10:42 AM
  1. The thing most bothersome is that he doesn't introduce you to his friends, and you've never met this girl. If you had met them (and her), I'm betting this would be a non-issue. It seems that he should let you judge his friend's immaturity level.

    It's more on the basis of you and him maintaining separate circles of friends than this trip to the Cape that has me smelling doom about this relationship. For the length of time you've been together there likely should have been a few cookouts, parties, nights out or other get-togethers where you would have met his friends (or vice versa -- he should know your friends, too). I'm not saying that you should be best friends with his friends and see them all the time, but you should at least have met them after three years of being together.

    As for the trip to the Cape, if he's staying with his aunt and uncle, yeah, I think there's a lot less to worry about since he'd have to be quite the scumbag to cheat in front of the family while they knew you were in a relationship.

    What I'm interested in is the part of the story you are leaving out -- the part where he offered to take you, too, but you don't have enough vacation time or told him to go by himself because you were attending something else, etc. Or where the friend found some ultra-cheap plane fare at the last moment and she's going to stay with your boyfriend for 4 days, then stay with someone else in Maine, then go on somewhere else, etc.

    Posted by K June 12, 09 10:43 AM
  1. It's over. That isn't what you want to hear, I know, but I believe it's true. It doesn't matter whether your boyfriend and this other girl are platonic friends. If you, his girlfriend, are unhappy with his spending 4 days on the Cape with another girl, then he should have the consideration to change his plans or include you. The fact that he is telling you to deal with it tells me that he's not that into you anymore and doesn't have the courage to end things graciously. It's also possible that he's strongly attracted to this girl but isn't sure he's ready to dump you for her, so he doesn't quite know how to handle things until he's sure. Either way, I just don't think you guys have a future. If he really cared about your feelings, he wouldn't be trying so hard to minimize them.

    Posted by Anonymous June 12, 09 10:43 AM
  1. Sorry, TNTBJ but this is bad news. Here's my guess about what's going on here. He's a 25ish grad student with no money living with a bunch of roommates. You're a 32ish woman with a job and a nice apartment. From you he gets the comforts of domesticity, home-cooked meals, treated to nice things (you probably pay for a lot of your joint outings), and sex. But he's just visiting your world for the benefits - he's not part of it. He's not ready for marriage and career yet. His heart is with his fellow students (it's no coincidence he's hanging out with younger people).

    Sorry honey, but he's using you. If something hasn't happened between him and his new girl "friend" yet, it's going to. Do yourself a huge favor and start dating guys your own age. I had a friend who was stuck in your pattern for years until she finally wised up. Now she's dating a man her own age who has a career, plans, and is interested in a future with her. You are never going to get that from a guy in his 20s when you're in your 30s. Good luck.

    Posted by sharon June 12, 09 10:43 AM
  1. I was wondering why no one has written a comment--it's been 40 minutes. Then I realized that it's because Meredith nailed this, and there's nothing more to say!
    The boyfriend should have invited the writer to come along and help him play host to this new "friend." Even if she has to work, she can be there for the weekend. If she goes, she'll be able to figure out what's going on in about 30 seconds.

    Posted by KS June 12, 09 10:44 AM
  1. I assume you weren't invited on this trip? There is absolutely no good reason why your bf is going alone to the Cape with a girl he hasn't introduced you to and not invited you to come along. Especially after you expressed your valid concerns. I am all for catching up with friends or having friendships outside of a relationship, but thats what a leisurely dinner or drinks are for, not a 4 day weekend. He is either up to no good or is really that stupid and insensitive, either way I would seriously reevaluate his status as bf.

    Posted by JAD June 12, 09 10:44 AM
  1. Are you nuts??????? This is classic DEFLECTION 101. He's going to sleep with her, you dolt. Drop this a@@hole ASAP.

    Posted by Tree June 12, 09 10:44 AM
  1. We cannot tell you how to feel. That is your call...
    In terms of this friendship, the details don't matter...how long they've know each other etc. You're bugged-that is that. And I can see why...but I'm not sure that anything can be done. She is coming, they are going.
    I hope you'll take advantage of the weekend and do something you love...try something new...treat yourself. Basically free your mind and let it be. Not much else can be done. Head over to MV w/ a guy friend!
    Keep being honest with him and true to yourself.

    Posted by pb June 12, 09 10:44 AM
  1. his explanations don't pass the smell test. at the very least he's an insensitive jerk because he is still going after you told him how uncomfortable you were with the plan and at worst he's two-timing you and manipulating you into thinking your acting crazy by worrying. you're not crazy!
    you need to pay them an unannounced visit during the long weekend to find out what's really going on. does this woman even know he has a 'real' girlfriend?

    Posted by been there done that June 12, 09 10:44 AM
  1. Trust your gut! You know something is wrong. Don't let someone's words to you override your own good sense.

    Posted by merilisa June 12, 09 10:45 AM
  1. Find a grown-up guy and get on with your life. If he can't see why you don't like this, you're wasting your time with him. And considering the age difference, he's got more time to waste than you. Draw the line and let him know this is going to be a BIG problem.

    Posted by CPThree June 12, 09 10:46 AM
  1. He's planning on banging that "Friend" like a screen door in the wind.

    Posted by Phil June 12, 09 10:47 AM
  1. You seriously had to spend all this time writing the letter to LL when you and all of us already know the answer? He's lining her up and if all goes well you'll be single soon by his choice. You should pre-empt it and dump him first.

    Posted by Alvin June 12, 09 10:47 AM
  1. If he was truly in love with you and wanted to be in a committed relationship with you then he wouldn't be going, or even contemplate going, with her. Why didn't he invite you? I'm sorry, but he's going to cheat on you.

    Posted by He's Just Not That Into You June 12, 09 10:48 AM
  1. Dump him. Not only does he sound immature (he's younger than you and probably doesn't know what he wants yet), but why is he excluding you from this trip? Did he invite you? Did he invite other friends? It doesn't sound like it. There is nothing wrong with having friends of the opposite sex, even taking vacations, but the fact that he's never even introduced you to this girl or invited you along makes me thing something is up. Also, we don't know what her intentions are. I'm guessing she's interested in your boyfriend and is looking for a nice long days on the beach followed by beers at the bar with your boyfriend...and that doesn't lead to anything good for you. What if the situation is reversed? Would he want you taking a solo trip with a guy friend he's never met? Probably not. I say move on to someone older and more mature. I would try Newport instead.

    Posted by Don't waste your time June 12, 09 10:48 AM
  1. you should insist that you meet his friend first. It's not unreasonable for anyone in a relationship to at least know who the person is their significant other is spending time with.

    go out to breakfast/lunch/dinner before they leave, meet his friend.

    Posted by mike June 12, 09 10:48 AM
  1. The guy is cheating on you.......He's like a drug addict denying it to his grave and blaming you for being so sensitive to the subject. Plus I bet if you pulled this stunt he would be upset at you.

    I for one would never do that to my girlfriend and if I want to go to the cape for four days I would either go with all my guy friends or with her alone or with a group of people including her. I didn't know that grad students were that immature you should have met some of his friends by now. Maybe he's that one who's immature.

    Posted by Greg June 12, 09 10:49 AM
  1. How is it that you have not met this friend - if you all resided in the same locale until her recent graduation? THAT, my dear, is fishy. It means that to this whole group of friends you are a ghost. You are not seen as an important part of his life - they surely have a very skewed idea of the relationship, whether he has spoken about you or not. How on earth did he never say "we're at this pub after class, join us on your way home?" That would be normal. This beach weekend is not.

    If it were all on the up-an-up with the girl (he may not be cheating with her for real, but he's certainly engaged in a relationship with her that is not that of a man with a steady girlfriend), he would have A) said a friend from school is coming up on the 12th, can you get away that weekend so we can all go to the beach? or, B) "Jane" is coming up and I'd like to treat her to a trip to the Cape since she was such a good pal this year, you guys never got to meet, so can you come to dinner Thursday night before we take of?

    There is a chance, though, that you were originally dismissive of these younger pals and expressed no desire to join in with them...and so he felt it had to be separate. If that's the case you made this bed, to some degree. But, a fun weekend trip, group of friends or just one, is something that any normal BF invites his GF along on. That's what a BF/GF relationship is all about - enjoying these kinds of summer weekend trips TOGETHER with your friends, his friends, new friends...

    Oh, and girl weekends are not the same - he KNOWS that girl. How would he feel if you were headed to Vegas with a new male colleague that he had not met? (Actually, he may be relieved, this guys is looking for an exit plan!)

    Posted by allan June 12, 09 10:49 AM
  1. It is not fair to pre-judge all mid-20's men. Some men would do this regardless of their age. This boy / man / idiot, however, is not worth your time.

    May I add to the chorus of DUMP HIM.

    Posted by JustForComments June 12, 09 10:49 AM
  1. You've got to be kidding!
    The Facts:
    1. You are not invited, nor going! 2. The other relationship seems to be soooo important that he would jeopardize your relationship (feelings, intentions, etc.) with a question mark. "?" 3. A college friend who "is coming back JUST to go to the Cape WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND". ??????? Anyone can go to the Cape ON THEIR OWN. The Cape is really not that nice! 4. Do you REALLY need to see it, to believe it? 5. If he was sensitive in your direction, he would invite you and make sure that you come along. GET REAL. THIS IN WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Posted by shirley June 12, 09 10:49 AM
  1. This guy is cheating, cheating, cheating!!!!! No matter which way you swing it, he is cheating. Since you know where he is going, can you not go there for a surprise visit. If you are jealous you will admit it. If it is something else you will know for sure.

    My question to you though is, why are you buying what he is selling and why are still sticking around for this? Jealousy or not, this is some straight up BULL!!!

    Posted by Puzzled! June 12, 09 10:50 AM
  1. I guess the piece I'm confused about is why you don't just say that you'd like to meet these friends and go for the weekend too, even if just for a day or two. Spend time with his new friends, and put aside whatever age difference or preconceived notions you may have, and maybe that will ease your concerns.

    If you suggest going and he gives you 100 reasons why you shouldn't, then you have reason to be suspicious, but for now I think it's be more proactive and positive for you to express interest in meeting them, rather than letting this be a wedge creating a gap between you.

    Posted by Sarah June 12, 09 10:50 AM
  1. Hey Meredith
    Are you joking!! I'm going to invoke the "When Harry Met Sally rule" Guys can't be Just friends with girls. I don't know what planet you’re from but the guys here on earth are always trying to figure out how to bed every girl they meet even the ugly ones it's the biological imperative... This girl has every reason to be on alert because this guy is either gay or going to cheat on her, end of story.

    Posted by Chuck June 12, 09 10:51 AM
  1. Agree with all the other comments. The issues with it are:
    Why doesn't he respect you enough to understand that you are uncomfortable with this?
    Why aren't you invited for the weekend too?
    Does the other girl know this guy has a serious girlfriend? If she does, what's wrong with her that she think this is ok?

    I'm sorry, but he's lying to you and cheating on you- even if it's not physical yet, it will be. Dump him.

    Posted by Emily June 12, 09 10:52 AM
  1. This is totally NOT okay. He is IMMATURE and not into your relationship as much as you are. YOU should have been invited also. What's the big deal if there is nothing going on between them. A male adult who is in a relationship doesn't go on any vacation with a female "classmate".... This is wrong on so many levels and you pointed out most of them yourself.
    He's a jerk and you deserve better!!

    Posted by bgcomreader June 12, 09 10:52 AM
  1. Rico will have a field day with this one. You have to lose this guy. Not just because he is going away with another woman, who you haven't met. Not just because you are not invited on the trip. Simply because he doesn't see this as wrong behavior and he is trying to make this your issue. If he can't understand your discomfort, calls you ridiculous, and likens his weekend with a girl to you spending a weekend with a girl, then he's either a chump or an ass. Either way he is a total loser. Dollars to donuts, the girl he is taking to the Cape doesn't even know you exist. Ask him to introduce you to her, tell him you need a weekend on theCape too, and watch frat boy RUN.

    Posted by JBar June 12, 09 10:53 AM
  1. Dump him, you are right go with your gut. He is immature and sefl-centered and doesn't care about your feelings. There is no reason he could not have invited you. Secret relationships are not a good thing, friendships with girls that are not secret are okay.

    Posted by been there June 12, 09 10:54 AM
  1. Wow. I guess if I'm a guy who is involved with someone monogomously for 1.5 years, and am taking off to the Cape with another girl, and can't see why that might pi$$ off my current girlfriend (or is it Friend with benefits in his mind--I wonder.), then I'm an insensitive clod that doesn't deserve my current girlfriend.

    If she's flying up especially for this trip, then SHE has expectations, regardless of what this clown is saying. Even if he is sincere, he just doesn't get it. He's not tuned into his current girlfriend.

    Girl--you have to descide whether you can wait for him to grow up. I don't consider myself "grown up" all the time, adn I'm in my 40's :)

    Posted by LeftOut June 12, 09 10:55 AM
  1. How old are you again? ?? I can't believe you are only "very upset about this" and not DUMPING him ! It sounds like you have very low expectations from your partner...you've set the bar very low , since he is going ahead with something like that.
    I'm in my mid-20s and in a committed relationship as well, and could not even imagine my boyfriend wanting to go on a trip with ANY other girl, no matter what!
    Please let us know when will you break up with him!

    Posted by voiceofreason June 12, 09 10:55 AM
  1. Agree with all the other comments. The issues with it are:
    Why doesn't he respect you enough to understand that you are uncomfortable with this?
    Why aren't you invited for the weekend too?
    Does the other girl know this guy has a serious girlfriend? If she does, what's wrong with her that she think this is ok?

    I'm sorry, but he's lying to you and cheating on you- even if it's not physical yet, it will be. Dump him.

    Posted by Emily June 12, 09 10:56 AM
  1. Obviously he wants to score this girl, but has not been given the green light yet by her. Just in case he never gets it, he wants to keep you, his back up plan, around.
    I don't think you should say anything at all to him. I think you should go to Maine for a long weekend with some older successful guy.

    Believe me, your relationship is over.

    Posted by Fanning June 12, 09 10:56 AM
  1. He's obviously cheating on you. Why on earth would he go away with another girl for the weekend? If she were a truly platonic friend, he'd invite you along, and the girl would bring her boyfriend, etc. It would be couples going away.
    A guy who was really into you would INSIST that you come along, frankly.
    By the way, pretending to be "angry and offended" is a diversion tactic - he's attempting to get you to forget about how YOU feel and think about how he's being "insulted" by your suspicions.
    Geez.

    Posted by JChris June 12, 09 10:56 AM
  1. a few years ago my mid 20's boyfriend took a trip with my best friend. i wasn't worried cause they were friends, she had a boyfriend and he was such a great guy. now they are happily married to each other and i feel like an idiot.

    Posted by babalu June 12, 09 10:57 AM
  1. Bwah-hah-hah-hah-hahhhhhhhh! OK, now that I have stopped laughing... the fact that this poor girl is even writing the letter is making me question her sanity. It is not like the other-woman is some "childhood friend", whom is viewed as an honorary family member. Younger Woman? Away for 4 days? Surrrrrrrre, nothing will happen, totally innocent, uh-huh. If she believes that, I've got some Enron Stock she might be interested in. WOW! the sketchy nature of this story might be an all time high for this column... yikes! Run now honey!

    Posted by DudeGuyKidDudeGuy666 June 12, 09 10:57 AM
  1. This sounds like my husband (before we got married ten years ago) and well before we got serious. He is only one year younger but was not quite ready for a monogamous relationship or marriage. I let him go without anger/bitterness realizing I could not nor did not want to change him nor could I change my feelings and what I wanted/needed from a relationship. Shortly thereafter he realized he wanted to be with me and we have never looked back - no regrets, no bad feelings... We are happily married with a few kids. Let him go and if it is meant to be ...it will happen.

    Posted by anonymous June 12, 09 10:59 AM
  1. This dude probably hasn't cheated on you, YET. That's what the big weekend is all about, in my opinion. He comparing, taking notes, seeing which one is better. If I were you, I'd tell the little baby to take a hike. THIS BEHAVIOR IS NOT ACCEPTABLE IN ANY COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP -- EVER!

    Posted by Shocked, to say the least. June 12, 09 11:00 AM
  1. Not Jealous - I totally get where you are coming from and as usual Meredith is spot on with her advice. If I was in your spot I would feel the same way. To that end, I was in a similar spot last year. I was dating this guy for a few months (just casual not serious) and he ended up planning a weekend away with a friend who is a girl. Yes, she was a good friend, but similar to your situation this was a friend that he hadn't known for very long. It was a last minute trip to visit friends out of town and he said he wanted to go with some of his guy friends but none of them could get off work (they were leaving on a Thursday night) so he went with his female friend. I was a little hurt that he didn't even ask me (though I couldn't have taken off work anyways, but that aside as the person he was dating I just thought it would have been the courteous thing to do).

    Like you I was upset and found it a little embarassing to tell my friends that the guy I'm dating is going away for the weekend with another girl. But, all my friends talked me off the over-reacting edge (not saying your overreacting, this is a more serious relationship) and I realized that he has aother female friends and in his eyes he thought of her the same way as any other guy friend. I met her the next weekend and turns out she had just started someone else (met him too) and after meeting her and her new guy it made me feel a lot better about the situation.

    If you can casually bring it up to your boyfriend that you'd like to meet this girl I think that would be a good thing. Like Meredith said if he doesn't want to introduce you then that's a whole other ball game.

    Posted by CC June 12, 09 11:00 AM
  1. meredith as a bodyguard! that is awesome!.... try and invite yourself, say well if its not a big deal, then im just gonna tag along.... i would love a 4 day weekend at the cape, and would love to see your family again.... if he has any hesitance towards that... you have your answer. i also want to trust the guy, but honestly, dont be a naive sucker. shes flying from texas, for a 4 day weekend with him. you two should be going on the romantic vacation not your bf and someother woman, who clearly either doesnt know about you, or doesnt care.

    Posted by virginia June 12, 09 11:00 AM
  1. um, so, yeah. you should leave this relationship. and you probably should have a long time ago. you can't consider yourself in a good relationship if the other person keeps a sh'load of his/her life private and away from you... a good relationship partner will respect your feelings and not get angry because you were being honest about your feelings... if there were nothing to hide, he would have responded "oh, well, come with us then... i honestly thought that you would have no interest and wouldn't care at all... but seriously, i would love it if you came with us." i mean, everyone has fights, but you shouldn't have to accept something that makes you so uncomfortable that you seek the services of an advice columnist. (albeit, an exceptional advice columnist!)

    Posted by sibdee June 12, 09 11:01 AM
  1. Not Jealous - I totally get where you are coming from and as usual Meredith is spot on with her advice. If I was in your spot I would feel the same way. To that end, I was in a similar spot last year. I was dating this guy for a few months (just casual not serious) and he ended up planning a weekend away with a friend who is a girl. Yes, she was a good friend, but similar to your situation this was a friend that he hadn't known for very long. It was a last minute trip to visit friends out of town and he said he wanted to go with some of his guy friends but none of them could get off work (they were leaving on a Thursday night) so he went with his female friend. I was a little hurt that he didn't even ask me (though I couldn't have taken off work anyways, but that aside as the person he was dating I just thought it would have been the courteous thing to do).

    Like you I was upset and found it a little embarassing to tell my friends that the guy I'm dating is going away for the weekend with another girl. But, all my friends talked me off the over-reacting edge (not saying your overreacting, this is a more serious relationship) and I realized that he has aother female friends and in his eyes he thought of her the same way as any other guy friend. I met her the next weekend and turns out she had just started someone else (met him too) and after meeting her and her new guy it made me feel a lot better about the situation.

    If you can casually bring it up to your boyfriend that you'd like to meet this girl I think that would be a good thing. Like Meredith said if he doesn't want to introduce you then that's a whole other ball game.

    Posted by CC June 12, 09 11:01 AM
  1. Consider this possiblity: He can't/won't bring himself to break up with you. He has to hurt you to get you to break up with him. Are there any recent signs that might point to this possibility? Little disagreements? Hints of you wanting a commitment that he is running away from?

    My ex-girlfriend pulled that on me a month before college graduation. She didn't know how to tell me she wanted to break up, so she hurt me instead.

    Posted by LeftOut June 12, 09 11:02 AM
  1. “Suicide by cop” (definition) - a suicide method in which a person deliberately acts in a threatening way, with the goal of provoking a lethal response from a law enforcement officer, such as being shot to death.

    Please consider his 4 day one-on-one vacation with this woman, the relationship equivalent of this term. He’s forcing your hand in the termination of the relationship. He’s been involved with this woman since at least last fall. His story about spending time with his new grad school “friends” that he didn’t want you to meet because you would think they were immature, was evidently, not enough of a clue to you, so now he’s upped the ante. Get it? You expressed your displeasure with the arrangement and he pulled the classic maneuver of turning of the tables on you. Leaving you questioning your instincts and doubting yourself.

    Instead of asking ‘Dith and her loyal band of followers to validate your feelings and bash the guy, muster up whatever courage / dignity you have remaining and end the relationship. End it before the start of their vacation.

    p.s. Meredith was being far too polite and skirted the issue with the excuse that he’s not ready to be an adult yet. I have delivered the cold, hard, truth to you. Do with it what you will.

    - Hoss

    Posted by Hoss June 12, 09 11:02 AM
  1. You absolutely cannot trust either your bf or his friend on this trip. Shame on your bf for thinking that taking a vacation with a female is acceptable when he is in a committed relationship with you. It is not normal, and anyone who says that guys and girls can engage in such vacations at a platonic level is naïve and has very low self respect. It’s disrespectful for him to give the appearance of impropriety. And, shame on the ‘friend’ for flying down to vacation with a taken guy and prance around in a bikini – that screams desperate and home wrecker. I think you should be straight forward with him, tell him that you find his behavior inappropriate and are perturbed that he even has a desire to go on vacation with another girl. When you truly love someone and want to be with them, the desire to spend a 4 day vacation w/out them AND instead with another friend of the opposite sex is unnatural and a red flag for the future.

    Posted by Trust me on this June 12, 09 11:02 AM
  1. Unless this other woman is gay and has no interest in men, sorry, but there's going to be some fooling around going on. I have no doubt about that. He is not including you on this trip because he doesn't want you to get in the way. If he can't see why you're not comfortable with this, HE'S the one with the problem, not you. Tell him so. If he still doesn't get it, buh-bye. There are other, more mature, fish in the sea.

    Posted by MattyB June 12, 09 11:03 AM
  1. There was a reason it took your man 1 year of casually dating you to become "serious", he wasn't sure, and he obviously still isn't!! Your man is up to no good. You need to kick him to the curb before he leaves on his get-a-way weekend. You'll be better off, he is blatantly disrespecting you and he doesn't deserve you.

    Posted by I mean, really?!?! June 12, 09 11:04 AM
  1. This is all so plain and simple. This 30-ish girl is dating a 20-ish guy and after three years into the relationship, there is still no commitment from the 20-ish guy. Move on, girl! Just be thankful that you didn't sleep with the guy so you don't have to lose your self-respect.

    Posted by wobecky June 12, 09 11:04 AM
  1. The fact that he doesn't recognize what's wrong with this scenario is indicative of his maturity level. Any committed individual wouldn't disrespect their significant other in this way. If they were life long buddies, I could see it. The fact that he's in his 20's and not married? I know what I would have been up to, even if I wasn't being honest with myself at the time. Find yourself a real man.

    Posted by threenine27 June 12, 09 11:07 AM
  1. Consider this possiblity: He can't/won't bring himself to break up with you. He has to hurt you to get you to break up with him. Are there any recent signs that might point to this possibility? Little disagreements? Hints of you wanting a commitment that he is running away from?

    My ex-girlfriend pulled that on me a month before college graduation. She didn't know how to tell me she wanted to break up, so she hurt me instead.

    Posted by LeftOut June 12, 09 11:07 AM
  1. What He's really looking for is for you to tell him it's OK. He also wants you to offer to join them in some experimental behavior.

    Posted by Anonymous June 12, 09 11:08 AM
  1. Have the Cheaters TV crew follow him for the weekend and then confront him at the cape on Monday or just pop in yourself for a visit at some point during the weekend if you want to know for sure.

    Posted by sexual chocolate June 12, 09 11:09 AM
  1. Oh man, this is pretty tough. I think it's fair to assume SOMETHING is going on... Otherwise, why so secretive? Why doesn't he bring you along, too? What kind of fun could the two of them have that his serious girlfriend couldn't be a part as well? My guess is, he doesn't want to cheat on you, and has no plans to. But he probably loves the attention this new girl is showering on him, and if you were there, you'd probably spoil the whole thing for him. Again, not that he plans on cheating (after all, it would have been a lot easier for him to tell you he was going with some guy friends, then just go with her instead). He's probably caught in the middle of some crisis: stick around with my older, wiser, probably more attractive, long-term girlfriend, or live it up while I'm young with a (slightly) younger, probably less successful and no strings attached gal pal.

    Honestly, I've never been the kind of guy to tell girls to wait it out and see what happens, but being a 25 year old single guy, I'd say be really really angry at him while he's galavanting off to the cape, and when he comes back, let him know you're pissed. If he doesn't care about your feelings, then I think you know what you need to do: find someone more emotionally mature, and more capable of committment. If he seems remorseful, chances are he understands why he shouldn't have left you home alone, and may be ready to be more serious with you and stop hanging around with immature friends (not that his friends NEED your approval, but if he thinks they're immature, why hang out with them unless he's clinging to some silly idea of what youth is?).

    WORST case scenario: he cheats, but tells you about it (he seems honest enough). I'd put money on him not being receptive your frustration, and him defending his decision to an angry you when he comes back from a "really wholesome and fun 4-night trip."

    Meredith is right; you're completely right in your being angry at this buffoon. Keep the anger up, and find out why he needs to go with this girl alone.

    Posted by Damo June 12, 09 11:09 AM
  1. He's just not that into you.

    Posted by Sal June 12, 09 11:10 AM
  1. If you actually believe this is strictly platonic...I've got tjhis bridge in Brooklyn I've been trying to sell and you are just the buyer I've been looking for!

    Posted by RichBurton June 12, 09 11:11 AM
  1. Why can't you go too?

    Posted by northstarmktg June 12, 09 11:11 AM
  1. If you actually believe this is strictly platonic...I've got tjhis bridge in Brooklyn I've been trying to sell and you are just the buyer I've been looking for!

    Posted by RichBurton June 12, 09 11:11 AM
  1. This sounds EXACTLY like a guy i was dating... right before he dumped me. I had a real job, was a little farther along in life than he was, and he started getting really close to his much younger friends in college, whom he didn't really want me to meet. Aside from the ridIIIIculous weekend thing, anytime a guy keeps his friends from you like that, you should see big, flashing red lights. ABORT, ABORT.

    Posted by candybeans June 12, 09 11:13 AM
  1. I do think platonic relationships are possible. I'm living proof.. I have more male friends than female, and I've even traveled with one on occasion (both straight, at that.) Nothing ever happened. That said...

    In regard to this letter, I think this guy has had two girlfriends for a year and neither knew the other existed.

    The end.

    Posted by Beth June 12, 09 11:13 AM
  1. This is so sad, I'm sorry.

    Best case: he's a dolt with no respect for you. Sox09 said it well.

    Worst case: he's already or is planning on cheating on you.

    Lose-lose for you. :(

    Posted by D June 12, 09 11:13 AM
  1. When my dear husband and I were first dating in College, he was totally smitten with me. He introduced me to EVERYONE, and I mean EVERYONE he knew. Family, friends, acquaintances, classmates, the neighbors, professors, I mean everyone. It started to be funny how proud he was that I was his girlfriend.

    Your guy is going off with a much younger girl who you haven't met and perhaps does NOT even know you exist at "THE GIRLFRIEND". Wow! Leave him at the kid’s table and go find yourself a real grown up. You are right to be upset and frankly as one of the old lady posters here, I’ll tell you bluntly that if you put up with this from him now, his behavior will only get worse as you continue to date.

    Posted by Lain the Blunt June 12, 09 11:13 AM
  1. Rico won't need much to tell you the answer...He thinks this:

    Rico thinks you should tell him to enjoy his friend this weekend since this friend must mean more to him than your relationship. Sorry to say but Rico is not an ultimatum type of guy but this case warrants just that. Go with her for the weekend without me and you walk. Rico assumes it is too late for this since today is Friday and he went last night? Bottom line is that he probably has already had some romantic time with this other girl. Things happen between men and women even when they are just "friends". Rico has been to grad school and remembers those long nights working with a group or a partner on a project. That was some years ago and lots of great memories. Sorry, it's the truth and it sucks but lets be realistic and call it what it is.

    Now for Rico's commentary:

    You've been dating him for 2+ years and you in your 30's he is in his 20's. Again, Rico hates to be the bearer of bad news but here goes. He has been very comfy having you around these past couple years. Sex on demand, someone there for a date or to just spend time with when he needs. Grad school or not, this guy was just not ready to commit to a full relationship and he has strung you along. If things this weekend work out with this "friend" you may find yourself without a boyfriend. He loves you or he loves that you have been around to occupy his free time and satisfy his needs? Date someone your own age/maturity level and you will be amazed.

    Rico suggests that you go out this weekend with your friends and have a great time...don't hesitate to meet other guys and make connections since you might be in the dating scene sooner than later. Rico never suggests cheating or lining up but right now you need to focus on having a good time. Don't cheat but keep your mind open to the possibility you will be single by the start of next week. Chances are if things go well with his friend this weekend your boyfriend is going to start seeing much less of you and spending a lot more time with his "friends" which is code for another girl he has interest in. Any guy that takes a girl away to his fmaily's home for the weekend...(long weekend yet) has something else in mind than just hanging with his buddy. You have evry right to be upset at him but don't forget, you are the one allowing this to happen. Why aren't you with him at this? Why didn't you insist on meeting this girl? Are you that desperate that you need a young guy to make you feel wanted/needed? Rico thinks you might be living in a fantasy land thinking this guy wouldn't cheat on you.

    Rico is speaking from first hand experience here. He has been to grad school, had "friends" at grad school and knows guys that strung girls along for years till they finished school or just found someone they thought was a better fit for them. This is not uncommon and although people get hurt it is a fact of life. Rico thinks you need to just open your eyes and be a little more realistic with what is going on. Most likely you don;t have the relationship you thought you did. 2+ years not living together or engaged or any mention of marriage that you wrote about. Where did you think this relationship was going? No offense but Rico calls them as he sees them and this one was a young guy looking out for himself and not thinking about you and your feelings or your future. Most guys like girls younger than them (MOST, not all) and he is likely one of those guys. Sorry, that's how Rico sees it.

    Love always and have a great weekend,

    Rico

    Please write in and update us, We hope all works out fine but history tells us otherwise.

    Nice weather forecasted, get out and enjoy...Bikes not Bombs

    Posted by Rico June 12, 09 11:15 AM
  1. I could cry for you. You must have knots the size of softballs in your stomach.

    Posted by Ive been there June 12, 09 11:15 AM
  1. L/W:

    Meredith is compassionate. Listen to her.

    Posted by reindeergirl June 12, 09 11:16 AM
  1. Don't waste the gas to go spy!! This fool is not worth it and I think you already know what you will find. When he comes back end the relationship. I would avoid him like the swine flu, he deserves nothing from you.

    Posted by nantucketsun June 12, 09 11:18 AM
  1. I very much agree with #3 (booklover). Relationships would be so much smoother if each person asked themselves how the other person would feel if the situation were reversed. For example – my best guy friend from high school came to visit for a night and in the past we’ve always shared by bed. I thought nothing of it because we are platonic and I knew nothing would happen. I was about to go to battle with my new boyfriend if he had a problem with it. But before I did, I flipped the situation in my mind and realized I would not be ok with a platonic best girl friend of his sleeping in the same bed as him. That spot is reserved for me! My friend got the couch and understood. In turn, boyfriend was very appreciative of me taking his feelings into account

    So back to the LW – there are some very serious issues here, two of which are 1- the fact he refuses to introduce you to his friends who he’s spending significant time with and 2 - he’s completely dismissing and invalidating your (very valid) concerns. These two factors make the present situation very questionable and if he’s not mature enough to see this, it may be time to reevaluate where things are going - and I'm not talking about the trip to the Cape.

    Posted by Meg June 12, 09 11:18 AM
  1. On the one hand, yeah, this is bad news. You should trust yourself and not be embarrassed about making a big deal out of it. If you are worried about what other people think, that means YOU are worried and that's what's important here.

    On the other hand, if the guy really thinks that there is nothing fishy about this situation -- I mean, grad student or not, do you really want to be with someone who is that naive?

    freddy

    Posted by freddygirl June 12, 09 11:19 AM
  1. Not Jealous, I see lots of red flags here. I don't get a warm fuzzy feeling from this friendship with Miss Texas. The fact that you have been dating him exclusively for nearly 2 years and don't know this 'friend' or any information about her (whether she's a grad student/undergrad, etc.) is very concerning. If she was such a good platonic friend wouldn't you have met her or wouldn't he have brought her up more in conversations between the 2 of you like "my friend Sherry is writing her graduate thesis on ..." or "Sherry's applying to MBA programs for grad school". I find it strange that she is flying 'all the way from Texas' for 4 days to see a buddy?! Why aren't you invited for the 4 day weekend soiree? You assume she will be seeing other friends, then why wasn't it mentioned? "Sherry is staying at my parents' house Friday, but then on Saturday she's going to the Vineyard to see Mike and Chris, who are bartending in Oak Bluffs for the summer." The lack of details seem shady.
    Honestly, he sounds too young and immature for you. You met him 3 years ago when he was in his early 20s-still a kid really- and you were in your late 20's. Now in your 30s you are in a different life-phase and well, he's still young-in grad school. He has cultivated a life separate from the two of you with friends at school "He said he hasn't introduced me to these friends because he assumes I may find them immature." If you are serious about him, wouldn't you want to know the other friends in his life no matter how 'immature' they maybe? Don't you think it's strange that you both live nearby and you know nothing about these friends and have never met them? He has compartmentalized your relationship. I had a housemate in college who did the same thing. He had the wealthy 30-something financeer girlfriend with a condo on Beacon Hill and a bedroom with a revolving door of co-eds at our rental house in a student ghetto. The end of that story wasn't very pretty. And don't count on the parents/relatives to chaperone your boyfriend. In fact, as nice as they are to you, they may actually be facilitating his relationship with other younger woman. Not many parents are happy that their son is dating an 'older woman' in her 30s, even if the difference is a few years. I saw this happen to a friend. She was 4 years older than her boyfriend. They had been dating exclusively (so she thought) for 3.5 years. He said he wanted to talk about something serious- she thought he was proposing to her-then he broke up with her out of the blue! She was devastated. It appears that as nice as his family was to my friend, behind her back, his mother was lining up younger women (friend's daughters, etc.). After a nearly 4 year relationship, he broke up with my friend and married a younger woman (who his mother had lined up ) only 6 months later! He seems too young for you. I think you will only end up with a broken heart at the end of this scenario. I would start lining up more age and lifestyle appropriate friends.As they say in maritime world-brace yer self -we're in for a blow!

    Posted by Bambinosmom June 12, 09 11:20 AM
  1. did he invite you? If not, DUMP. HIM. Ugh. The thought of someone doing this to his girlfriend makes me feel sick.

    Posted by emmj June 12, 09 11:20 AM
  1. This letter makes me sad. You seem like you're trying to be as fair and open-minded as possible, but the whole time I was reading your letter, I was thinking about what I would do if my husband was going away with a new woman in his life for 4 days. I am really happy with Meredith's response, because what he is doing is really hurtful in my opinion. Maybe he doesn't mean it to be, or maybe this is his passive-aggressive way of trying to be in his 20's and not your 30's (that's his right), but this is not the right way to handle this situation after 2 and a half years. Looks like you might be the one who has to address it.

    Posted by boredinboston June 12, 09 11:21 AM
  1. Meredith's idea of sending your BF a link to this blog is spot on. The responses here are unanimous and the ones from the men are particularly good. BTW it's great to see so many thoughtful responses and no flame throwers. I didn't see a single reference to someone being called a "moron" today - it's a first!

    Posted by JBar June 12, 09 11:21 AM
  1. I think it's fine as long as there aren't going to be strippers on the vacation.

    Why can't he make his own damn grilled cheese sandwiches!

    Posted by Ms. LLetter Rube June 12, 09 11:22 AM
  1. 2.5 very casually. 1.5 supposedly monogamous. I bet the first year you were not just dating him very casually but he was... But that's a different story.

    You are not in a serious relationship. He is using you. He's a broke grad student. You provide comfort, financial security, and guaranteed sex. I bet his future plans after he graduates do not include you. Of course, he's not going to leave you for a younger woman, yet. He can just sleep with her (after all, she's very "immature", right?).

    Also, think about it: his parents are not going to be there. His aunt and uncle are going to be there "for the weekend" - I bet they are coming on Friday and leaving on Sunday... They won't be there the whole time.

    Finally, you fell for his argument. He's trying to argue that a man and a woman can be just friends and spend lots of time together. Well, sometimes this is true I have female friends to which I'm not attracted at all. But I doubt this is his case. Again, she's probably young and hot. He'd hit that.

    I'm with other readers: the age difference is an issue. You need and older man. There are plenty of guys in their early 30s who would love to have you.

    I'm waiting for Rico's response. I know he hates cheaters.

    Posted by MS June 12, 09 11:23 AM
  1. Something is definitely up. Dump him. Guys and girls are never platonic friends. One of the pair will always be interested in the other one.

    Posted by E June 12, 09 11:24 AM
  1. CC Not Jealous
    DON;T try to coverup YOUR insecurities by relying your important decisions on Meredith.IT IS FACT he won't introduce you to her.decide now. talk.
    Hoss and lot of his other friends know very well that if he says he won't, then he won't introduce you. that's that.if he says he won't convert, he won't. this is cheating morally. if he is given the oppurtunity ,he will cheat. men are men.
    Deal the cards you are dealt with.

    Posted by puja June 12, 09 11:25 AM
  1. Perhaps for you the only silver lining in this mess is that he’s not traveling to the end of the Cape with a guy he met at school. After that, I think we can assume that jealousy aside, the tea leaves read “Steep it and Weep”. Here’s what I think he’s doing: He’s creating an impossible situation so that you’ll be forced to break up with him…so He’s not the bad guy. Your boy is a child…You are his mommy…which makes you an Oedophile. Omitting you from his new circle of friends by deciding you wouldn’t like them is controlling, manipulative and has all the trappings of a self-fulfilling prophecy. He’s what’s known in the business as a “Mom and Popper Liner Upper”: He’s waiting to see how his family likes his friend from TX. He’s seeking approval. Why weren’t you invited? Does she know about you? The other possibility is that he’s running girls through the parental chipper to hide the fact that he wants to rock Tea Dance at the end of Route 6. Fabulous!

    Posted by valentino June 12, 09 11:26 AM
  1. No guy that is serious about his girlfriend, and has the maturity to be serious about his girlfriend, would attempt to do this. He has a responsibility to at least introduce you, and probably also invite you down for some portion, if not all, of the weekend. He is completely out of line and when I read that he is offended by your response to this situation - it sounds passive aggressive on his part. Kick him to the curb - no one would blame you....

    Furthermore - the other girl should be asking to meet you and why you aren't coming down at all....unless she has another motive. She is as out of line as your boyfriend is....

    Posted by spaceman June 12, 09 11:26 AM
  1. I would be very hurt if my boyfriend did this to me. The fact that:
    a) you've never met this girl
    b) he hasn't invited you to come along, and
    c) that she is flying all the way from Texas to spend time with him, alone, makes me think that something is definitely going on between the two of them.

    No respectful boyfriend would ever do that. Ask him why you can't come along and spend time with his new friend. If she's that important to him, then you'd think he'd want you to meet him. But then again, I could say the same about you - if you were that important to him, he would want HER to meet YOU. Confront him about it, and if he still tries to put the blame on your jealousy/insecurities, then dump his ass! He is not worth it.

    Posted by He is not worth it June 12, 09 11:28 AM
  1. Don't live with regret; and you can't force someone to not do something they want to do. Life is way too precious to supress your insecurities.

    Posted by puja June 12, 09 11:29 AM
  1. I agree with Hoss. He's sabatoging the relationship so you are the one to break it off. Then he can pick up with this new girl he's lined up. Classic.

    Posted by Chele June 12, 09 11:30 AM
  1. The fact that you were casually dating for a year is a bad sign. He sounds like a liner upper. I bet this girl is very attractive and probably why you haven't met her. What happens on the Cape, ...

    Posted by DMac June 12, 09 11:30 AM
  1. Meredith's idea of sending your BF a link to this blog is spot on. The responses here are unanimous and the ones from the men are particularly good. BTW it's great to see so many thoughtful responses and no flame throwers. I didn't see a single reference to someone being called a "moron" today - it's a first!

    Posted by JBar June 12, 09 11:31 AM
  1. If the subject of the letter is who I think it is, then here's some info: The vacation companion is not a "she" and you not being introduced to his newer friends is not because you might disapprove of them for their "immaturity".

    Posted by graddie and proud June 12, 09 11:32 AM
  1. if this other girl is such a close friend of his, why hasn't he introduced you to her? I also find it strange that someone in his mid-twenties has befriended a bunch of recent college grads. Probably because he's afraid to grow up and wants to be perpetually stuck in the carefree days of student life, beer pong, young girls and living paycheck to paycheck. I know someone like this who is in his early 30's and he has trouble dating women close to his age because he has nothing to offer them. I say dump this guy. Not necessarily because he's taking another girl to the Cape (even though that is pretty messed up), but because he's clearly in different stage of life than you. He'll do nothing but frustrate you and hold you back.

    Posted by rebs June 12, 09 11:33 AM
  1. CC - you are allowing him to manipulate your feelings with sweet words of apology or promises never to cheat on you again. Be realistic. Do you honestly believe this was a one-time event, or do your instincts tell you that he'll probably cheat on you again in the future? Can you continue to enjoy the relationship, knowing about the betrayal?

    Posted by puja June 12, 09 11:33 AM
  1. CC - if you have done the samething, taking a "guy" with you on weekends, and didn't ask "him" to accompany you, if he is ok with all that, then as Meredith says, what's for to concern. if you were given the oppurtunity , you would do the same. This is not cheating either by you or him.This is all sharing in an open relationship.

    Posted by John June 12, 09 11:36 AM
  1. A couple more things:

    1. Meredith is wise beyond her years.
    2. I would be happy to have Meredith’s back. She is a sensible gal. You should listen to her.
    3. I agree with several of the other posters that there is a strong possibility that he trying to get you to break up with him so he can play the victim to all friends for whom you are a ghost.

    Picture it with me, if you will . . .

    As they sit on the beach at sunset, wind blowing rakishly his luxurious hair in to his eyes. As he looks out on to the ocean, he sniffs quietly with a lone tear streaming his face.

    His 4-day weekend 20-something female friend (4DW20SF) notices his quiet distress and asks, “What is the matter? Is there anything I can do to help?”

    Shaking his head in an effort to look brave he replies, "My girlfriend didn't trust me and she broke with me. I feel so all-alone. It was so sudden."

    4DW20SF reaches over and grabs his hands in her and looks deeply into his eyes and says “You’re not alone, you’ve got me.”

    And before the weekend is over they are making lots of grilled cheese sandwiches together.

    Posted by Lain the Blunt June 12, 09 11:38 AM
  1. Not to point out the obvious but....NONE of the people commenting here find his behaviour acceptable (for various reasons, all valid) ! Are you going to do something about it (a.k.a break up) or will you just stick around waisting your time with this immature prick?

    Posted by taylor June 12, 09 11:38 AM
  1. HE'S A LOSER!
    YOU HAVE TO STAND UP FOR YOURSELF, DEMAND WHAT'S COMING TO YOU!
    I'M SURPRISED IT LASTED THIS LONG!
    YOUR PARENTS WERE RIGHT!
    DO WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO DO TO SAVE YOUR SANITY!
    YOU'RE BUYING YOURSELF A LIFETIME OF PAIN AND SUFFERING!
    STOP FOOLING YOURSELF GIRLFRIEND!
    YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN THIS COMING YEARS AGO!
    CUT HIM OFF BEFORE HE RUINS YOUR LIFE!

    Posted by ibid June 12, 09 11:39 AM
  1. FYI, Rico is nto done here, he is going to be back and has plenty more to say. That was just the beginning...

    Rico thinks also that he is using an age old method that people use (Rico used it too in his past) to break up with someone. They make you break up with them so they don't have to be the "bad guy" doing the break up. It is easier for him to force you to dump him than for him to be the dumper, especially that you are older so it doesn't look like an age issue.

    Again, very sorry to be the bearer of the bad news, Rico has your back as well...

    Love again and always,

    Rico

    Posted by Rico June 12, 09 11:39 AM
  1. Pllleeeaassee send him the link to this so he can be taken down a peg or two...

    Posted by Anonymous June 12, 09 11:39 AM
  1. You're right. Either he's looking to cheat on you with her, or the friend is looking to rope him away... definitely. If you actually do trust that he is not looking elsewhere, then it's probably more the latter. Hey, it happens quite often with the slightly older guy / college girl scenario... This "friend" has probably played this whole thing up under the "harmless trip between friends" scenario, but I really don't see how she can't have "intentions". I don't know the guy, but he's either extremely naive or he does have "intentions" of his own...

    Why wouldn't you go too? Do you have a scheduling conflict or were you not invited? Did he un-invite you under the "you wouldn't be interested" policy? Did you offer to join them or are you playing the "too hurt to be included" card? (not advised, if so -- it doesn't help anything...)

    I agree re: a big difference between a long-standing female friend vs. this. Someone so new, younger and from school?? Yeah, they still haven't got past that "friends?" comfort phase quite yet..... You're right and you need to tell him it's really not that cool. Hell, even throwing in another girl from school on this trip would do the trick (let alone another guy), but the 1-on-1?? No deal.

    Posted by DJMcG June 12, 09 11:41 AM
  1. Ouch! You have been stung, and I just felt it from across the internets.

    I get the sense that your BF does not think of you as his monogamous GF, at least not in the sense that he's planning for a future with you. I actually think he's playing it honest so that he can throw this right in your face because he's too cowardly to be direct and break up with you. Total passive aggression.

    I once dated a guy who was 13 years older than me. I was in my mid-twenties and was a graduate student at the time. I was never that into him. But he had a phat pad and bought me anything my heart desired. In the 6-7 months that we dated, we spent a lot of time together - took trips together, he met my family, etc. But, like I said, I was never that into him. In the first month that we were dating, I took off on spring break to fly across country to visit a male friend (someone I had previously dated). I just told him that I was going to visit "my friends." I totally cheated on him, I guess, although we weren't really "official" by then. Honestly, I stayed with him because I felt bad for him. He was well-meaning, a nice guy, kind of lonely, and had a lot of affection to unload. In the time that we were in a "monogamous relationship", I went to the Cape with my close friends (male and female) for the Fourth of July, but wasn't allowed to stay overnight (which is probably good because I would have cheated again). I also went to visit my "friends" in NYC for a weekend (during which time I cheated again with my ex-boyfriend). I finally mustered up the courage to dump this guy. I didn't tell him about my indiscretions because that was never really the point. I was with him out of guilt - there was really never a future.

    I suggest you take a close look at your relationship potential. Why are you two together? Where is all of this going? What are the pros and cons of your relationship? If the cons outweigh the pros then be proactive and initiate the break-up...before he breaks up with you.

    Posted by effy June 12, 09 11:41 AM
  1. Why don't you invite yourself on that weekend trip and then you would really see what is going on.

    Posted by Barbara Swenson June 12, 09 11:44 AM
  1. get out of this relationship while you still can.

    RUN GIRL RUN.

    Posted by zumzumzumzumiwantyouinmyroom June 12, 09 12:11 PM
  1. Forbid it or MOVE on. Next!

    Posted by Jennifer June 12, 09 02:14 PM
  1. Seems unanimous here....
    Dude's am immature tool.
    Dump him.

    Posted by DrK June 12, 09 02:19 PM
  1. This situation is totally shady. I think #77 might be on to something with the idea he's actually been dating this girl for the past year. That's a more logical reason to not introduce you to his friends than their maturity level. I also think it's weird he would be friends with college-aged kids. I'm in grad school, and none of my friends hang out with the undergrads -- not even a little.

    But, even if he's not cheating on you, even if he has no intention to cheat on you... the fact that he has so blatantly disrespected your entirely valid feelings regarding this matter, is enough to be a serious red flag. I know you've invested a lot of time and energy in this relationship, so that "dump him!" may not be what you want to do. However, at the very least, you need to have a paradigm-shifting talk with him -- preferably, it will end with him crying and vowing in good faith to never do anything like this again.

    Honestly, though, he sounds like a schmuck.

    Posted by Beth (for real) June 12, 09 02:20 PM
  1. there really needs to be a "love letters aftermath" column where previous writers can write in again and tell how things ended up, who's advice they took and all the hilarious/gut wrenching details. still wondering if that poor sap ever managed to get a grilled cheese.

    Posted by jimbojones June 12, 09 02:21 PM
  1. The age difference is the real reason here. You in your early 30's are assumably looking to settle down and he in his mid 20's is looking to blow off some steam after a year of studying at grad school. This girl is flying up just to go to the Cape?!? Why would she spend the $$ (a student with low cash assumably) to fly up if there was not potential or already a history? I think he is looking for an out and if I were you I would end it as soon as he comes home and leave on your own terms. This has lack of respect written all over it. Date someone closer to your own age that you deserve and you will be much better off in the long run.

    Posted by Timm June 12, 09 02:22 PM
  1. I'm a guy and trust me... he is going to cheat on you. Dump him and enjoy your weekend, if he were that great of a guy he would have invited you to go along or at least introduced you. Dump him, dump him now. Don't think about it just do it.

    Posted by Anonymous June 12, 09 02:23 PM
  1. Hoss (comment #62) summed it up perfectly. This is a HUGE passive-aggressive move on your boyfriend's (and I use the term loosely...you can bet every penny you have that he doesn't consider you his girlfriend) part, to get you to get angry and break up with him so he doesn't need to do the dirty deed. Who in their mid-20s -- hell, who in their mid-TEENS - would never introduce the woman he's been "seriously" dating for over a year to his schoolmates/co-workers/colleagues, what have you. Who would think it is okay to spend 4 days alone in the same quarters as an opposite sex friend whom he has never introduced to his significant other? This young little friend of his has never even heard of you. You are a safety net, a temp worker he keeps on the job til he finds the real thing. You say you are "not jealous," but come ON...if you are falling for this load of horse droppings, you've got bigger problems than a newspaper columnist can solve. Dump him now and work on yourself before dating anyon else.

    Posted by urkiddinme June 12, 09 02:24 PM
  1. #34 - bang her like a screen door in the wind -- Brilliant line!

    And painfully true.

    He's lining one up in the chute. Just walk away now before you're truly devastated. Even if he's the one in a gajillion guys who wouldn't sleep with little miss thang, he's not mature enough to meet your needs.

    Posted by Linda June 12, 09 02:24 PM
  1. So wrong.
    So very, very wrong.
    Sorry TNTBJ.

    Posted by DrK June 12, 09 02:27 PM
  1. LW, this is bad news & I agree with the people who have written that he is forcing your hand. It hurts, but there are a lot of really nice men out there who will treat you better than he is now.

    Also, if you decide to dump him before he goes (I'd suggest not giving him the power to tie you up in knots over a long weekend!), be sure to round up as many friends as you can and head out for a night on the town. Wear something awesome. You will feel 1000% better surrounding yourself with people who care. Good luck...

    Posted by heartseek June 12, 09 02:31 PM
  1. I <3 Meredith for her answer.

    This happened to me when I was in my mid-20s, and my man in his early 50s - so opposite, but still a difference in age. However, he did usually introduce me to his 50-and-60-something colleagues, and socialized with them together. It was in early September, 1987. He, a shrink, joined a female colleague (closer to his age; just a couple of years older than he was) at her home on Martha's Vineyard. It was supposed to be a professional weekend, to discuss work (but with no other guests). Hence, the reason I wasn't invited. What do you know? For the first time, he cheated on me - then blamed HER for seducing HIM! Upon his return home, she sent him a bouquet of daisies with a loving message” “{His name), you were terrific!.” I've never felt the same about daisies again. I refuse to buy them; refuse to plant them; try to to ignore them when I see them in other gardens.

    That weekend ruined us. As far as I was concerned, we were done. I had trusted him; he betrayed me. For the longest time, I blamed her – until I matured and realized he was equally responsible. He's deceased now, last month, she's not. We resolved it long before his death, but I've never had closure with HER (who is alive, still practicing). Like Rico, I hate cheater – it took only once, but I learned. I remain bitter about cheaters, even though I feel I handled the situation well. So bitter that while I don't wish career disaster on her, I hope her relationships in the time since have been unhappy and dark. So guess what? He went on to cheat on her with another woman after I broke up with him!

    Don't let him return to you when he returns from his trip. Nurture your self-esteem. It's hard to leave someone, but harder to be the one left behind. Be pro-active; take time to heal – and never let him back in your life.

    Posted by Anonymous June 12, 09 02:33 PM
  1. By now you know what the general public thinks. I think it is only reinforcing what you already knew otherwise you would not have written to Love Letters. I believe Rico is right and this cougar snack doesn't want to do the dirty deed. I also believe you should go out, meet some new people and someone your own age. I am in my 30's and only just recently found my future husband.
    I think if you want to date younger men, then just nibble, don't spend too much time on them. Sounds like (and don't want to put words in your mouth) but that you are looking for something more serious and dating someone in their 20's is less likely to want the same things as a 30-something.
    You already know whats going on, so just pull the trigger. You'll feel better.

    Posted by truthsyrup June 12, 09 02:35 PM
  1. This one is either a phony letter or someone who is about to get hurt really badly. There is no excuse for him to do this to you.

    Posted by techdood June 12, 09 02:38 PM
  1. SHE's the girlfriend and you are the OTHER WOMAN.

    You are at different places in your life. His family thinks you are a very nice girl and all, but too old for him and pushing him to be more serious than he should be right now.

    Let him go. I know everyone says he's so awful and dump this rotten guy, but it sounds like he's not ready to be in the kind of relationship you are looking for.

    Posted by NotAndysGirl June 12, 09 02:40 PM
  1. I was in Grad school and was in my early 30yrs when I was "dating" a girl older than me as well. She was married with kids and I used her regularly while her husband never knew. I got all my sexual energy out on her and in every way you can think of. It's a wonder she could walk to her car when I was done with her. I wonder if her husband ever wondered what his wife was doing in the city so late? She actually thought I would commit to her so she could leave her husband and have a life together with me. I was banging every young chick, and even some my age or a little older that would look my way. I would tell her I was with friends down the cape at my parents too while i was actually home in the city doing my thing or maybe I did hit the cape but with another girl. I even hooked up when on vacation without her. I must have nailed well over 20 girls, about 2 a week while I was tagging her. She was a psycho which is a whole other issue. Are you a psycho too? Does he have photo's and/or videos of you in and out of clothing performing sexual acts on him? I had them and still keep them in a safe place because I still think she is capable of being a problem even years later. Truth be told, I was a sleaze back then and he is most likely pulling off the same deal with you.

    good luck

    Posted by bangedaslutingloucester June 12, 09 02:50 PM
  1. Here are the only ways he will NOT cheat on you…
    1) Your boyfriend is a homosexual
    2) The girl is actually Rosie O’Donnell
    3) Sometime in the past 3 days your boyfriend’s genitalia fell off

    Dump him.

    Posted by yep June 12, 09 03:03 PM
  1. "We don't live together but do live nearby and see each other more evenings than not (and most weekends)."

    You know all those other nights (and weekends that he's not with you)? Guess where he is - with his real girlfriend and his college buddies.

    You've never met his friends? She has. She's it. You're not. Move on.

    Posted by Genius June 12, 09 03:03 PM
  1. You are being tricked, chumped, played for a fool - whatever you want to call it. It's not that men and women can't have non-sexual relationships, it's that this one doesn't appear headed in that direction. Time for you to shake loose. No guy who really respected you would pull a stunt like this.

    Posted by Bony Melon June 12, 09 03:08 PM
  1. Take it from a scumbag who did the same thing a couple months ago and got away with it. He's obviously never introduced you to these people because hes hiding something. These new friends are the ones he goes and complains about you to, he won't introduce you because he has already talked you down too much, and there's a girl involved. It surprises me he told you his friends weren't going but that's probably a head game to make you think hes being honest. But that doesn't mean you should dump him, unless you think hes never been serious and hes already cheating on you. If you think he may be lining someone up there's obviously something lacking physically in your relationship, try looking hot and giving him a grilled cheese to make him stay home!

    Posted by billybob June 12, 09 03:09 PM
  1. Please update and tell us what happens!!

    Posted by Kaffine14 June 12, 09 03:10 PM
  1. rico's wife is a cheater

    Posted by bob June 12, 09 03:10 PM
  1. Get rid of him. Best case scenario he doesn't know how to be an adult male and doesn't see anything wrong with this.

    Posted by bobo June 12, 09 03:11 PM
  1. I am a guy. I totally agree with the girl here.

    Very suspect.

    Posted by kevin george June 12, 09 03:23 PM
  1. Something I learned a long time ago.....and taught it to my younger sister...The truth is always simple. When it gets complicated, it is no longer the truth...

    Posted by too complicated June 12, 09 03:25 PM
  1. If he isn't already cheating on you, or hasn't cheated on you yet, he will on the Cape. 100% guaranteed.

    Posted by Edz June 12, 09 03:33 PM
  1. DEFINITELY SEND HIM THIS LINK, but DUMP HIM first.

    Posted by alipie June 12, 09 03:37 PM
  1. I'm so sorry you're in this situation. Get out while you can and find a nice guy who RESPECTS you!! You're worth it!!!

    Posted by Bostongirl29 June 12, 09 03:39 PM
  1. You're a fool for even staying in this "relationship" move on already....

    Posted by anon June 12, 09 03:45 PM
  1. Is this a joke??? It has to be a joke... This would not fly in a million years with anybody I know...

    Posted by #9 June 12, 09 03:46 PM
  1. HIRE A PRIVATE DETECTIVE, GET THE EVIDENCE SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO STRUGGLE WITH THIS ANYMORE

    Posted by blinkeye June 12, 09 03:47 PM
  1. Just walk away. Sure, 1.5 years has been wasted, but do you want to waste anymore? He wants to be through, his actions speak volumes. Or, you can go ahead and keep him, but make sure its know you will be seeing other people, because he will be.

    Posted by lala June 12, 09 03:49 PM
  1. This seems too obvious, like the girl who caught her boyfriend sexting with Dan. It's not a question of whether you should dump him but how. Here's what you do. After he returns from his little escapade and you can relax about it a little, meet him for coffee (or ice cream, NOT drinks or a meal) and say very simply that this relationship is not working for you anymore. No need to drag it out, no need to blame this other girl or ask for details or anything like that. It's not working for you anymore and you are moving on. Then get up and leave. It's over in like five minutes.

    Posted by Edna June 12, 09 03:50 PM
  1. Dang, lucky guy to have such a naive "girlfriend" (or maybe two of them). Is there a bar where these girls hang out?

    Posted by Fred June 12, 09 03:53 PM
  1. Dump the dude. Are you cute? Ill go to the cape with ya!

    Posted by Brian June 12, 09 03:55 PM
  1. He is bored with you and wants some fresh meat.
    He is a liar and will make you feel guilty for his immaturity.
    You deserve better. Loose him for good!

    Posted by Anonymous June 12, 09 04:02 PM
  1. Why didn't he ask you to go too? If he is such good friends with this girl, I would think that he would want the two of you to meet. Something is fishy on the Cape.

    Posted by Skeptical June 12, 09 04:06 PM
  1. Eww, gross. He has likely been cheating on you this whole time, sorry. Get rid of him. He is a coward. Move on..........

    Posted by Lee June 12, 09 04:07 PM
  1. That was me (# 121). Don't know why it posted as "Anonymous."

    Posted by reindeergirl June 12, 09 04:17 PM
  1. HA HA HA HA HA HA
    I bet he gets a grilled cheese!

    Posted by JoJo June 12, 09 04:23 PM
  1. HHAAAAAAA, Fred just cracked me up. But listen Miss Gullible - the other gal is gullible too. DUMP THE GUY AND DUMP HIM QUICK.....THE GUY IS A BAD DOG!!!!!

    Posted by Been around June 12, 09 04:55 PM
  1. I'm wondering why you're not going either. If he's serious about your relationship he should be inviting you to hang out. He might not be not be physically cheating but it sounds as if he's emotionally cheating. I would reconsider your relationship with this guy. Meredith sounds about right with how he might be feeling (He's not quite ready to leave the kiddie table).

    Good luck with this.

    Posted by TGIF June 12, 09 04:57 PM
  1. Even IF he isn't cheating on you, and even IF he doesn't cheat on you this weekend, there is such a thing as an emotional affair. Even IF his body has been faithful, his mind probably has not. (These are pretty big IFs).

    Dump him - casually as if it had nothing at all to do with this weekend, as suggested by #133. And please tell us how it went, because you can hopefully tell, everyone who has commented is absolutely horrified by your predicament and wants you to be well.

    Posted by Q97 June 12, 09 05:06 PM
  1. Dump him before he dumps you.

    Posted by Addie2131 June 12, 09 05:14 PM
  1. WOW! This is one of the most bizarre relationship dilemmas I've heard. I'm 39 and have never come across anything remotely like this between me or my friends.

    A weekend at the Cape with his family and he's claiming this is a platonic, no need to be jealous thing?? Yeah right. As a woman, I have never gone anywhere overnight with someone unless I like them more than a college buddy. Give me a break!

    Even playing devil's advocate and he has no interest in this student...sorry, but this is not the kind of "friendship" you have with a friend if you have a girlfriend. Your girlfriend is the one who gets dibs on going to the Cape with family...not a chick from school...no matter how "close" they are or how much "intellectual" conversation they have at school.

    If she was so curious about the Cape, he should've suggested places for her to go on her own OR made it a group thing and asked you and perhaps another friend along so she wouldn't be the 3rd wheel. But to go alone? Just the two of them? Oh...and yeah..with the "chaperones" (that's bizarre). What are they going to be doing all this time? Hanging out at the beach and having candlelight dinners while watching sunsets from the Cape? Or maybe going to the movies/farmer's market/miniature golf? Are they going to be playing board games with the "chaperones"? I doubt they'll be discussing educational theories 24/7. So, either way you slice what they'll be doing while down there, it's things that are reserved for the significant other in your life...if you have one, and he has one, so why isn't he acting like it?

    Your age difference is not that big, so I don't think it's an age thing, but clearly, your view on this relationship judging by his behaviour is EXTREMELY wide. Not only is he missing some marbles for even conjuring up this bizarro field trip with Miss Coed (who is "soley traveling from Texas" for this Cape trip with YOUR boyfriend), but he has the audacity to dismiss your concerns as "ridiculous"? Are you kidding me? Methinks this can't be the 1st time your "monogamous" boyfriend who has conveniently not introduced you to his "close friends" has behaved in a disrespectful manner.

    Dating should make you feel good and respected...and doesn't sound like you have that with him. If I was you, I wouldn't even waste my energy and positive spirit by arguing with him because he clearly doesn't get it. He's shown you how he feels about you, now you need to move on quickly with no drama (he's not worth the energy) and value yourself. No one can give you respect. You have to demand it...and if someone isn't able to, keep it moving!

    Posted by bklynmom June 12, 09 05:16 PM
  1. Who really knows what his intentions are for the weekend. You don't know. What you do know is that the two of you are at different places in your lives. Are you willing to invest valuable time in this relationship, and wait until he knows how to treat a lady like a lady? He's probably not a bad guy - hence the four years you've been friends, and most recently lovers. You are the older, wiser of the pair and must decide whether or not to take the high road and move onto greener pastures. If he's taking female "friends" that you have not yet met away for a long weekend this summer (and can't see anything wrong with it) what does the future have in store for you? To move on from this relationship with your head held high will be very difficult - but extremely courageous and pivotal in all future relationships. You don't know what his intentions are, but you do know his standards. Your parents raised you to be the strong, independent, intelligent lady you are. Don't disapoint.

    Posted by PatsFan625 June 12, 09 05:17 PM
  1. Love this :The truth is always simple. When it gets complicated, it is no longer the truth..
    1) by now, you should know his friends.. at least have an idea who they are. If you find them immature, that would be your call, not his.
    2) You should have been part of that trip from day one.
    3) If you are having doubts about the story, YOU ARE RIGHT.. something else is going on.. follow your heart.. he is doing something that is hurting you.

    Posted by mia June 12, 09 05:19 PM
  1. Totally disagree. You should be going with them if you are in a monogamous relationship. He should include you in his life and with his friends

    Posted by trust but validate June 12, 09 05:21 PM
  1. CC here, as I had a couple comments - to clarify: I was only dating this guy for about a month when this happened, so it was just casual. I never said anything to him that it bothered me or that I thought it was odd that he was going away with another girl. None of my friends seemed to think it was worth bringing up. It was actually only one night, not a whole weekend, they were meeting up with friends of his in Long Island who had extra tickets to a concert.

    Anyhow, I met the girl the following weekend and she was completely into this other guy, who I also met. I did not pick up on anything even slightly romantic between her and my guy. In my case I only ended up dated this guy for about 3 months total (had nothing to do with that girl). I'm still friends with him, he's dated several people since then and this other girl was not one of them, but they are also still friends.

    My point being is that sometimes men and women can be platonic friends and if it is strictly platonic then he should have no problem introducing the two of them. I totally agree it is fishy that a guy with a serious girlfriend would go away for the weekend with another girl and not invite his girlfriend. However instead of overreacting, I think she should have an adult conversation with him. If he's on the up and up he'll introduce the two of them. If not, then yeah ok he's most likely the scumbag everyone seems to think he is.

    Posted by CC June 12, 09 05:22 PM
  1. They'll be having grilled cheese for every meal and beach butt shows will be the entertainment du jour...

    Posted by Reformed dog June 12, 09 05:28 PM
  1. Uhm, I hate to break it to you, but, really, he's just not that into you. The writing is on the wall. Do you really want him to spell it out for you?
    You are just the back up girl to him-you know, the one that he turns to when everything else fails, but he would leave at first chance he gets at "true love".
    Do yourself and him a favor-stop this "friends with benefits deal". Join Match and find yourself a guy who actually loves you and likes you for who you are. And maybe next time, you'll be the other girl-the one who is taken to the Cape for fun and adventures.

    Posted by Not into the "friends with benefits" June 12, 09 05:31 PM
  1. Instead of telling him you are done just drop him all together. DO NOT call him, text him, email him, visit him, etc... JUST DROP HIM. TREAT HIM WITH THE SAME RESPECT HE HAS GIVEN YOU.

    This guy is a total a**hole. You deserve a lot better than him. Be strong and move on NOW!

    Posted by MJM June 12, 09 05:48 PM
  1. Not normal and not acceptable. Tell him to go s&*t in his hat and "have fun at the Cape".

    Posted by Terri June 12, 09 06:07 PM
  1. He's obviously cheating on you. What's also obvious is you're letting him. Is this really a pattern you want him to establish?
    Lying in a relationship is bad. But he's arrogant beyond belief to tell you this awful truth and expect you to be ok with it. It's disrespectul. Dump him now.

    Posted by Eddie June 12, 09 06:13 PM
  1. I think #62 nailed it. I would only add, as much as everyone said the situation was pretty obvious--and I agree with them--don't feel too badly about that. H. sapiens are great at denial, and you've just been being a normal H. sapiens. Move on, and realize that as awful as it probably feels now, this too will pass, and love will come again.

    Posted by David Holzman June 12, 09 06:18 PM
  1. I agree with those who say he's trying to get you to break up with him. He KNOWS that this is egregious behavior...that's the point of the whole trip being waved under your nose and the escalation to a 4-day trip when that didn't seem to make you want to walk away.

    He's doing the things a 20-something does. He's immature and afraid to take responsibility for his own feelings. Time for you to be the grown-up and let him go learn some hard lessons.

    Posted by Knotdefined June 12, 09 06:20 PM
  1. As a guy I have to totally agree with all of the above - he's probably cheating - tell him it's her or you! If he even pauses in answering that ditch him.

    Posted by Frank June 12, 09 07:03 PM
  1. She must be fat. Only a fat girl would tolerate this

    Posted by Anonymous June 12, 09 07:04 PM
  1. I've been on both sides of this story. It was a long time ago, but people don't really change. About 20 years ago, I was dumped for a good friend after being told I was irrational and jealous and it was all in my head. That's mind-game crap and you should see it for what it is. The fact that you are apologizing for very normal feelings is a red flag. This guy has worn down your self-esteem over the past few years. (By the way, ex-Bf and that woman are now married with a child. Obviously she was right for him and I wasn't, though it certainly didn't seem so clear at the time. )

    Then, 17 years ago, I was that female "friend." A cute guy in grad school had another girlfriend, but I knew it wasn't love and the chemistry between us was real. It started as harmless flirtation, but soon the girlfriend was history and we were very serious. We've been married 16 years and have two great kids. My point is that maybe this guy is doing you a favor. He can't commit to you because the bottom line is that while he may care about you, he isn't in love with you. Someone else will be and the sooner you start looking for him, the better.

    real.real.

    Posted by jules June 12, 09 07:38 PM
  1. Beth (#77) said it best...and it was really all that needs to be said:

    "...this guy has had two girlfriends for a year and neither knew the other existed.

    The end."

    Posted by stichy and krachy June 12, 09 07:48 PM
  1. Yeah right. I am going to tell my GF (if I had one) that Im going to the cape, without her, and another woman is going with me for 4 days. HAHAHAHA I dont think so. Not a chance. No chance. How did the guy bring this up with a straight face?

    Clearly the writer is a sex buddy, and he is lining up the next one!!

    Posted by Billy13 June 12, 09 08:22 PM
  1. Clue #1 is all you need. "He is actually quite angry and offended because he believes that I don't trust him." Angry because you are on to him and wants to end the discussion. You should have been introduced to the "other woman" by now if he was honest.

    Posted by buttercupz June 12, 09 08:35 PM
  1. Clue #1 is all you need. "He is actually quite angry and offended because he believes that I don't trust him." Angry because you are on to him and wants to end the discussion. You should have been introduced to the "other woman" by now if he was honest.

    Posted by buttercupz June 12, 09 08:36 PM
  1. So many responses about your so-called boyfriend (who is playing you big-time, honey) but let's spend some time talking about things that YOU can change...like yourself! What does this situation say about you?

    Clearly, you don't think very highly of yourself. No self-respecting person would tempted to swallow the b.s. that this guy is serving up to you. Are you so desperate that you're willing to be treated like this? It is so sad to me that some women are happy to take whatever crumbs some schmuck tosses to you.

    You wouldn't have written this letter to Meredith if you didn't think, in your heart of hearts, that you are being made a fool of. The most maddening part (and, boy, do I know how the game works) is him getting all insulted about how you don't trust him. Has he ever given you a good reason FOR trusting him? He has never introduced you to his friends? Honey, grow a backbone, stop settling for someone who has no respect for you and go find a man who puts you and your needs first. Good luck.
    Mama G.


    Posted by Mama G. June 12, 09 09:00 PM
  1. What is this guy's phone number? I just want to call and let him know what a douche bag he is.

    Posted by lalaland June 12, 09 09:19 PM
  1. It's OK if you are jealous of this situation. I would be in your shoes too! The whole thing is complicated and screams SHADY. Seriously, just out of school, would you buy a plane ticket to spend a weekend with a guy you're "just" friends with? You sound cool, calm, and no drama. Trust your intuition, respect yourself, and simply tell him this doesn't work for you in your own way. If he cannot respect and respond to what you need to be OK with this weekend getaway with another girl, then move on. He's not the one for you.

    Posted by Skybint June 12, 09 09:40 PM
  1. As to whether you're justified feeling upset--feelings aren't something you justify, you just have them.

    Your relationship is probably over. By and large, no guy goes to the beach for 4 days with a woman unless he's seriously interested in her--romantically. Maybe he's not sure how it will turn out and doesn't want to break up with you unless he's sure this other woman works out. But my read is, unless you want to work on getting over the hurt, this is over. Particularly because the way you describe it, he's busy denying that anything is going on. If he came right out and said, "real.real, I really love you and don't want to u[pset you. I'm not interested in this woman. She's just a friend. I actually never would consider having sex with her because our relationship is so important to me. " , then I'd maybe think that either he's a great liar or he's really telling the truth and relax. As to the line about the "chaperones", he's not 16. Again, it would be much more convincing to me if he'd set, "I'm not interested in her because of my relationship with you." And gave a credible reason why spending 4 days with her fits into the scheme of "friendship but nothing else."

    However, coming to the boyfriend's side, it doesn't sound like you two have exactly exchanged vows. I'm betting he's checking this woman out because he's seriously interested. There's really nothing the matter with that--but it's going to have (potentially fatal) consequences for your relationship, whether because he decides to end it or yo do.

    I would suggest stowing the drama and saying, "where do you see our relationship going from your perspective? Are you interested in continuing and getting married? Or do you want to break up and be with someone else? How are you feeling about it?

    Ask yourself the same questions. You never said what your interest in your boyfriend is or where you wanted to bring your relationship with him.

    Based upon the answers to this, you are at a crossroads in your relationship. Either forward and real committment, or breaking up. That's the way I see it. Find out which it is and accept what you find.

    Based

    Come

    Posted by steve in Western MA June 12, 09 10:01 PM
  1. Trust your instinct. He is totally playing you here. This whole act of him getting annoyed and angry is just a show to make you feel embarrassed about it. If I were you, I would totally get rid of this guy. It's only gonna cause more mental anguish. Who goes to the Cape on a 4 day vacation with a friend, really, most of the time it's a group of friends. Again trust your instincts on this one.

    So he is mature, but his friends are not, really? He is just making sure you are the one to break up with him and make you feel bad about it. You already are feeling as if you're clingy, jealous etc. That's exactly what he is making you do.
    Take the advice

    Posted by CuriousGoerge June 12, 09 10:10 PM
  1. You didn't need all those paragraphs of rationalization. This is simply and clearly not ok, and you must have a real crisis of self-confidence to be doing anything other than changing your number. Move on. He will (with youngster from Texas) about 10 minutes after he realizes your number has changed.

    Posted by Seriously?!! June 12, 09 10:24 PM
  1. You have got to be kidding me!!! I can't even believe we are having this discussion! This SCREAMS affair or cheating or relationship with this other girl! Honestly, you deserve better - this guy is clearly be deceitful and trying to have his cake and eat it to! He's passing this other girl off as a good friend from college, but who is he kidding? I have lots of good male friends, but I wouldn't go away with any of them one on one to the Cape... If you are in a relationship with someone, whether you are dating, engaged or married, this behavior is completely inappropriate and unacceptable. Don't settle...you deserve better!!!

    Posted by Anonymous June 12, 09 10:25 PM
  1. he will shag that all weekend.

    run. it's over.

    Posted by josie June 12, 09 10:50 PM
  1. Ok, I'm trying to put myself in your shoes. I've been in instances (about 15 years ago when I was 15) where things like this happened. I felt lost, betrayed, confused and finding myself saying, "wait...is it valid to feel this way?" The answer is a resounding YES...it's valid to feel lost and all those sorts of things about this. He shouldn't be doing anything that's transferring romantic "things" (whether it's physical, mental, or emotional) from your relationship to another. That's (in a very very broad sense) a form of cheating. If you develop a deep emotional connection with another person rather than your S.O., then it's not a good thing...and they'll be long gone. Question for you...if this was happening to a friend, what advice would you give her? And...you're normal... don't let him convince you otherwise.

    Posted by Just a thought June 12, 09 11:44 PM
  1. Sounds like another Clark Rockefeller. Throw him under the bus.

    Posted by Dave June 13, 09 12:25 AM
  1. You seem to be obstinately refusing to read the facts in front of you. Actions speak louder than words. In this case, the mid 20's something guy, who really should be making tracks while he can sexually, can't figure out how to dump you.

    I'm kinda rooting for him to score with this girl. If she's so hot for him that she's flying halfway across the country for a chance a bangin' him, I hope they send video.

    Posted by bosfiddle June 13, 09 12:38 AM
  1. poison pill, derrrrrrr!

    Posted by mike in slem June 13, 09 01:42 AM
  1. Establishing a permanent partner is one of the most important decisions you will make in your life. To me, it sounds like he is shopping around. The question is, how do you want to deal with it? It may be that the other woman is a better fit for him, in which case it's probably a good idea for him to go to the cape with her. Or he'll find out she isn't.
    A lot of the commenters seem to be angry at this guy because "he's immature". Maybe he is, maybe he isn't. If he's really immature, then why be angry with him for it?

    How about you? What do you want from your relationship from him? It's been two years, right? And neither one of you has talked about where you want it to go?

    I think it's time for you to talk about this stuff with him. If you're interested in getting married, ask him if he is. If you're interested in moving in together, ask him to do that. Talk about it. Talk about a time frame. The truth will come out and you will both be better off for it, whatever the answer is. And really, the anger, etc is totally irrelevant, although if that's how you feel I won't throw stones at you.

    Posted by steve June 13, 09 04:01 AM
  1. Let me get this straight..........he's going away for a long weekend, with someone you've never met, with his family.......uh huh, need I say more?

    Posted by Anonymous June 13, 09 05:16 AM
  1. This doesn't even need to be discussed or processed. You have been made to feel insecure by this selfish, narcissistic jerk. Now, he's taking advantage of what he's done to you - he's already done a number on your self-esteem because you let him, and now he's cashing in on all of your insecurities by taking this OUTRAGEOUS "friendly" weekend.

    I know that you can't see the writing on the wall because you think you love him. But please, see the writing on ALL of these posts! DUMP HIM before the weekend! There would be a collective cheer from the Love Letters community. You deserve better - don't wait to get ditched by this loser.

    By the way - yah, he's already cheating on you and will be sleeping with mystery girl this weekend.

    Posted by Jetta June 13, 09 07:23 AM
  1. I thought this may have been about Bill Clinton or Ted Kennedy.

    Posted by David June 13, 09 07:28 AM
  1. Here's the list of women a guy can go on a trip with (without his wife/girlfriend):

    1. His Mother
    2. His Sister
    3. His daughter

    That's the list. Wake up lady.

    Posted by TJR June 13, 09 09:09 AM
  1. When it walks like a duck and quack likes a duck - its a duck.

    Listen to your inner voice. Don't be a fool. If he hasn't slept with her already, he has at least fantasized about doing it. He will seal the deal this weekend. DUMP HIM.

    Posted by Mr_Peanutz June 13, 09 09:25 AM
  1. ARE YOU KIDDING ME! Of course you should be upset. If they are just "friends" than why wern't you invited to join them. Something is up here.

    Posted by Barbie June 13, 09 09:39 AM
  1. cheater!!!! call joey greco!!

    Posted by Anonymous June 13, 09 10:22 AM
  1. Dump him! He's either already cheating on you or will be soon.

    Posted by MOJITA June 13, 09 10:57 AM
  1. Actually, a similar thing happened to me after I graduated from college. My ex was always hesitant to introduce me to his buddies from home and I could never figure out why. Then after we broke up, he was in an official relationship with the freshman college girl in question less than two weeks later (thanks to Stalkbook's minifeed...) and pictures were tagged of my ex canoodling with his new lady friend.... get this... WITH HIS BUDDIES FROM HOME THAT I WAS NEVER INTRODUCED TO.

    Learn from my mistakes. The red flags aren't just going to go away and you'll grow resentful over time. There are too many in this situation to ignore! Any guy/girl worth being in a serious relationship with should respect you and your feelings (even if they don't agree!) They should also make an effort to pacify the worries you have, instead of playing the "you're just jealous and worrying for nothing" card. He is absolutely hiding the true extent of his relationship with this girl and you need to dump him unless you want to find out on Facebook like I did, along with the rest of the world. I know it's hard, but YOU DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER!!!

    Posted by From someone who knows June 13, 09 11:22 AM
  1. This sounds like a joke...as you were writing it out, you must have realized how bad it really is! PLEASE DUMP HIM IMMEDIATELY. Have some pride! The guy is clearly up to no good, and you sound too smart to stand by while he does this.

    Posted by Francesca June 13, 09 11:30 AM
  1. Why weren't you invited in this trip? Why haven't you been introduced to her? why haven't you been introduced to his friends? Why would he want to spend time alone with another woman? You already know the answers. He is romantically interested in this woman yet the pain of breaking it off with him is too great and he is keeping you on the hook. The best way to look at this is what advice would you give your best friend or sister -- You would say what an arrogant jerk!. You would tell them to break it off and tell them they deserve better. Don't waste one more day with this guy. He is too young and immature. When you love someone and are committed to them --you want them involved in EVERY ASPECT of your life.
    OD LUCK<!

    Posted by Lisa June 13, 09 11:40 AM
  1. As a former grad student, I'd argue that many males in their 20's and in that phase of life are primarily interested in things other than stability and a 9-5 routine. One of those can be learning about relationships and exploring a sex life they have heavily suppressed in getting to that point.

    From personal experience, I could imagine your friend cares about the people he is trying to be serially monogamous (mostly) with, but needs time to sort it out.

    Unfortunately, you can't do it for him. And you probably owe it to yourself to move on before you are drawn too deeply into a situation that doesn't meet your own needs.

    Posted by anonymous June 13, 09 12:19 PM
  1. Run don't walk. Let him go. After 2-3 years together if he means it he'll come back around. Be sure to let him know why you are letting him go. Committed SOs don't do this to each other.

    Like the other poster my husband had committment issues also. I told him in or out after almost 2 years and gave him a set time to decide. I told him I would walk and he knew I meant it. I watched someone string a friend along for 8 years and she allowed it. You do have control here if you use it.

    My husband decided he'd rather be in. More than a decade later we're still good.

    Posted by ssss June 13, 09 12:33 PM
  1. Bottom line. Is he good in bed? Probably not since you didn't mention great sex in your facts. If he is, use him for that, otherwise, not much to stick around for.

    Posted by Anonymous June 13, 09 12:50 PM
  1. You already know what you have to do but it's hard to face! Sorry, but time to move on. If he comes running back, breaking down the door with flowers and poetry, great, but I doubt that will happen. Not because you're not unbelievably great but because of this... You think your relationship is one thing... and he thinks it's another. You're on two different paths. It will probably take you years to believe this, but it is the truth. You'll look back and say, "But we did this... and that... he said he loved me??" etc. But it happens because people cannot be honest. They say what you want to hear at the moment and then another thing entirely when they're "on there own!!!" You know what to do! Someone better is waiting!

    Posted by Anonymous June 13, 09 12:53 PM
  1. Drop him like a hot rock. He didn't think of you at all when making this decision. Oh wait. Yes he did. He thought about how he could do it WITHOUT you (and whether you'd let him get away with it.) If he's willing to disregard you now and you allow it, he'll keep doing it in the future.

    Posted by Kdub June 13, 09 01:19 PM
  1. As a thirty-something male, I can say with near 100% confidence that he is already sleeping with this girl and probably others in the group that he doesn't let you mix with. The problem is that if he is going away with her for four nights, it is way beyond just sleeping with her. If she is coming all the way from Texas for this trip she is probably in love with him and if he is going to such great lengths to be with her, he is probably in love with her too. He is just too spineless to break it off with you and from your letter here, he thinks you are gullable enough to fall for it, and from your reaction here, you may be.

    Posted by Anonymous June 13, 09 02:42 PM
  1. Sleep with his friend before he does and hold it over his head!

    Posted by Anonymous June 13, 09 02:52 PM
  1. sorry dude, but you should be dumped or dump her. Sorry to be so harsh, but to me, a male, it is obvious. You should not treat another woman with having to deal with your desire to whatever the college coed.

    Posted by brian June 13, 09 02:57 PM
  1. Your boyfriend is not in a monogamous relationship with you. If you are seeking such a boyfriend, you need to keep looking.

    Posted by Elmore June 13, 09 03:25 PM
  1. Sweetie, there are much more thoughtful men out there. He is playing. He should have invited you there as well. Get some good running shoes and use them... Dump him but first, do the same back and see what his reaction is.

    Posted by Chris June 13, 09 04:09 PM
  1. I am a Tina Fey fan and I say this one is a deal-breaker. You sound emotionally available, like you have a great life going on etc. You need to know that and have confidence and break-up with him. It is not easy I know. But it sounds like he just has no respect for you, let alone might be cheating.
    I am married to a younger guy - I was 29 and he was 26 when we met. But we were serious from the start and we included the other in each other's life from the get-go. My husband was looking for a serious relationship and I also told him that I would not waste time on a fling.
    I work with younger guys in IT world. I adore then, love them even like brothers....and I cringe because I get an eye into the male psyche and have seen them in action when prowling. They are wonderful and I know when they meet the right woman, they'll straighten up. But in the meantime, they are having their fun and will say and do whatever it takes to get that. Your boyfriend sounds like one of them....and I am sorry to say that but like most people here, I recommend you cut your losses and find an incredible man ready for a serious relationship with a fabulous woman....

    Posted by Trixie June 13, 09 06:08 PM
  1. This isn't about the writer being jealous, it is her boyfriend being at best stupid and selfish. If a couple has been in a monogamous relationship for more than a year I can't see any good reason they wouldn't introduce each other to anybody they are friendly with. Sometimes due to circumstances (like distance) you may not meet all of your partner's friends, but if there is a group he is hanging out with locally then I would think he would want to introduce you at some point. Maybe you won't hit it off and won't want to join them in the future, but it seems weird to me that you never met. For him to be close with any woman whom he has avoided introducing you to seems especially questionable. For her to fly in for a long weekend alone with him ("chaperoned" or not) is just inappropriate. I would tell the boyfriend that trust or not you deserve more respect than this.

    Posted by L June 13, 09 07:02 PM
  1. HE'S HIDING SOMETHING OR YOU WOULD HAVE BEEN INVITED.

    Posted by Anonymous June 13, 09 07:54 PM
  1. I agree with post 117 by jimbojones. It would be really interesting to hear back from letter writers about how their situations get resolved.

    In this case, I think she should end it with him. He is not treating her right. I know from experience that after being in a relationship a while it is hard to let go, especially if you think there might still be some hope, but better to cut your losses now rather than stay with a guy who doesn't respect you, really include you in his life, or care how you feel.

    Posted by M June 13, 09 08:07 PM
  1. WOW, some woman are really dumb.

    Posted by tedmic June 13, 09 08:24 PM
  1. If the opportunity presents itself (after dinner and a couple drinks), he WILL sleep with her. You may even be the one getting dumped when he comes back.

    Posted by Arturo June 13, 09 08:52 PM
  1. Uh, yeah.........

    He's already banging her. Are you for real?

    Posted by Mike T June 14, 09 12:03 AM
  1. If you’ve met his parents and most of his friends, then I’m pretty sure the friends you haven’t met yet are friends who don’t know about you. And I’m pretty sure this girl he’s going away with has no clue he’s even in a committed relationship. Think about this for a minute: spend money to fly from Texas to Boston to drive down to the Cape to spend four days with a man you have Zero Chance with? Not on this planet. If you have nothing to worry about, like he says, then why hasn’t he introduced you to her yet? I’ll tell you why: he hasn’t told her about you.

    Here’s an idea: Suggest you drive down on Sunday and meet up with them and all three of you can go out for dinner. If he says, “what a great idea!” then it’s all cool like he said. If he gets upset, tries to tell you “You go away with your friends and I don’t meet you for dinner” or says anything…and I mean ANYTHING….about why its not a good idea: then she doesn’t know about you and he’s…a cheating rat.

    Hate to say it, but if it walks like a cheat and smells like a cheat….it’s a cheat.
    yoshimi

    Posted by Anonymous June 14, 09 01:54 AM
  1. You're totally right to be concerned. This whole scenario does reek of something fishy , and I don't mean a Cape Cod seafood platter. It really sounds like he wants to have a fling with this girl before she goes back to Texas yet he also wants to keep you around for his convenience until the next one piques his interest. Sorry, but that's my experienced opinion. Keep your cool and start looking for other alternatives to enjoy "most nights and weekends", yourself.


    Posted by Mari June 14, 09 04:02 AM
  1. My first thought is that it’s totally inappropriate. My second thought is Why isn’t he taking you? I’d say tell him in no uncertain terms that you are NOT cool with this and ask him why he isn’t taking you.

    If I’m going away for a long weekend, I want the woman I care about with me. The fact that he’s taking someone else instead maybe says something. I agree with the writer that he’s still at the kiddie’s table.

    Posted by Ed Collins June 14, 09 07:41 AM
  1. You are in your 30's and he is in his 20's. I hope you look after his needs...because if not...4 days is a long time to be shacked up with a chick ten years younger than you. I wonder if she is a gymnist?

    I am a guy - and have to say that despite your intelligence afforded to you by undergrad and master degrees - you are not that bright - at least when it comes to common sense. He has a chick on the side for wild weekends while maintaining you as his main squeeze. Ever wonder why you always have to pick up the restaurant and bar tabs?

    Posted by Flynn June 14, 09 07:52 AM
  1. Did you meet him on Craig's List?

    Posted by chappalachia June 14, 09 07:57 AM
  1. You have every right to have serious misgivings about this trip. If it was platonic, her would invite you as well. The fact that he is highly indignant regarding your objections is further reason to be suspicious. If the relationship was as innocent as your boyfriend portrays it, he would be more sensitive to your concerns instead of playing the victim.

    Posted by KB June 14, 09 09:51 AM
  1. Don't be angry with the poor guy for being immature. That's what 20-somethings are. Don't be angry with yourself for putting in the last 4 years trying to build a relationship. Simply move on. Cry your tears, but don't linger.

    Remember, the things that you've been through in life make you who you are today. Don't beat yourself up over ANY OF IT. You will simply see the next guy for who he really is... but faster... and that will help you find Mr. Right. He's out there, but he can't find you if you're hanging out with this guy. Respect is a wonderful thing when you find someone who gives it freely.

    In life we make decisions based on the information we have at hand. You, my dear, have much more information this week than you did last week. Make this decision quickly and do not (I repeat, do NOT) beat yourself up over not seeing it before. You should just recognize that you're seeing it now. Don't wait for him to hire a skywriter to tell you he's not feeling mature enough to settle down.

    We've got your back!

    Posted by Lizzzzz June 14, 09 10:00 AM
  1. The bottom line is he trying to catching fishes with both hands!

    Posted by Su Phu June 14, 09 10:00 AM
  1. You now know all you need to know about your boyfriend. You're in control of your feelings, not him. If my girlfriend did this to me I'd be posting my new add on e-harmony or somewhere.

    Posted by Steve June 14, 09 10:08 AM
  1. I had something like this happen to me and all I can say it get out of the relationship now. I know that sounds harsh but nothing good is going to come of his sketchy behavior.

    My ex went mountain biking one weekend... I thought it was with a group of people and when he got back home it slipped out that it was just him and a girl he worked with. He claimed nothing happened but I never really trusted him after that (why didn't he tell me it would be just the two of them before he left???). Two months after that his lease was up and he moved into an apartment with this same girl. Our relationship lasted about a year after that but it was a rough year and in the end he broke up with me becuase I was "jealous and insecure". He was such a jerk and I should have got out of the relationship the second I started to question his behavior.

    If you don't feel comfortable with your guys actions you need to look at that and be honest with yourself... he's turning the tables on you.. getting mad because you are hurt he's going away for the weekend with another girl? What's that all about? You have every right to be upset and you need to ask yourself if you really feel you are in a good relationship with this guy and does he really value your feelings?

    secure". Don't let this guy do this to you.

    Posted by rainysunday June 14, 09 10:27 AM
  1. The guy probably likes this woman he is going to the cape with. On the other hand, this young woman hasnt given him the green light yet. The trip to the cape is to see if the light turns green. If it does, then he is gone. Even if there is no green light, it is clear the guy is looking around.
    The relationship with the older woman gave the guy confidence, now he is making it work for him with younger women.

    Posted by joe June 14, 09 11:08 AM
  1. This is definitely shady. If he cared about you , your feelings and your relationship, he would not insist on taking this trip with another girl.

    Posted by Alex1943 June 14, 09 12:45 PM
  1. You know what's really going on here and just afraid to admit it to yourself. A four day Cape vacation with a gal coming all the way from Texas is NOT a friendly get together. He's angry because he got caught. To turn this against you and into your problem only shows his immaturity and lack of care for your feelings and "relationship." A real man wouldn't be afraid to introduce you to her, tell you about her and invite you down to the Cape for all four days. If he's so willing to hide her from you what else is he hiding? Don't stick around to find out. For goodness sake don't try to tell yourself you will change him or are the better woman for him. Get out .. now .. while you still have some dignity and before you are hurt more or waste even more precious time.

    Posted by ReadingRocket June 14, 09 02:01 PM
  1. Parents, Uncle Buck and the Auntie are not on the Cape this weekend. Your BF is like the toddler pooping in his diaper in the corner, but thinks no one can see him.

    Posted by val June 14, 09 03:31 PM
  1. Lots of time guys just like to hangout with other women, not necessary that's he is
    doing anything, maybe something else is in his mind, but sex is definitely not on
    his mind

    Posted by overreacted June 14, 09 04:37 PM
  1. Wake up.

    Shocked you would even try to rationalize this situation.

    Posted by AB June 14, 09 05:02 PM
  1. To be honest, if it's gotten to this point it's over. Being with one chick is tough at this age for guys. Not impossible but certainly nothing I could do when I was in my mid twenties.
    He might be telling himself and you that nothing is going to happen but after a few beers on a sunny beach things will change. Just mentioning the chaaperone thing is setting you up. I'm not telling you to dump the guy or even change your relationship, just know exactly whats going on, don't put up with someone lieing yo you, not worth the effort.

    Posted by zenblaster June 14, 09 05:54 PM
  1. You are not his girlfriend.

    Or in the words of Chris Rock, "If you've been dating a guy for 4 months,
    And you haven't met any of his friends yet,
    You Are Not His Girlfriend"

    Posted by Sorry June 14, 09 06:06 PM
  1. google BOOTY CALL to see just what you are to him R U NUTZ???

    Posted by Rod Mac Donald June 14, 09 06:30 PM
  1. He is definitely cheating on you.

    Posted by A Guy June 14, 09 07:17 PM
  1. This has got to be the most gullible girl EVER.......WOW, you're not bright are you

    Posted by Bill June 14, 09 07:31 PM
  1. he has every intention in the world of being with this woman...I am stunned not every blogger sees it the same. The writer of question is 30s and still has questions about this? Then, Yeah, you are immature...he is going alone to be with her, without you, so he can sleep with her while you home alone. you cant be so dumb?

    Posted by nuriel June 14, 09 08:46 PM
  1. Looks like I'm about the 200th person to say this is TOTALLY NOT OK. He is planning to sleep with her (if he hasn't already). If he loved you, he'd naturally be eager to introduce you to this young woman. He is hiding you from her and pretending he's single. He doesn't love you. You deserve to be with someone who is crazy about you and wants to tell the world about you. Not someone who is this selfish and careless with your feelings. It's going to be hard but tell him you're coming along on the trip or it's over.

    Posted by Hepdog June 14, 09 09:17 PM
  1. You are gonna dump him, right? But before you do, you should return the favor. Tell him you're busy all week and can't see him. Get a male friend and go down the cape next weekend (heck, just pretend). See how he reacts. Then give him the boot..

    Posted by JonJon June 14, 09 09:19 PM
  1. I hope that by the time you read even just a few of these comments you'd have dumped him.

    Please, don't waste anymore time; lose this guy. The sooner you do, the sooner you'll find the right guy for you.

    Posted by Joyce June 14, 09 09:32 PM
  1. wake up! he's cheating!!!

    Posted by m June 14, 09 09:52 PM
  1. The spidey senses are tingling big time. There is definetly something going on between them. Trust your feelings. This is not right. He is BSing you. Sorry for your hurt but it happens. Drop this loser and move on. And I'm a guy. You appear to have a good head on your shoulders. Trust your instincts. He has a wandering eye. You don't deserve this. Don't put up with stupid stories and excuses. Good luck.

    Posted by Chief June 14, 09 10:15 PM
  1. From the poster:
    Hi all-
    I tried to post a few days ago but it may not have gone through (it was a very long message).
    In any case, I want to say THANK YOU to all of you for giving honest opinions, and for the most part I feel validated by what I've read.
    To those of you that have insulted my intelligence or otherwise, you obviously don't know the whole story, so I'll try to let that slide off my back.

    In an case, its been a long week (no contact since last Tuesday) but I will write later this week to keep you posted on the outcome, since many of you seem to be interested in it...

    Posted by TNTBJ June 14, 09 10:26 PM
  1. You don't really need any of our advice on this -- in your heart, you know this is not respectful or kind or compassionate, all the things you want in a person that you love. It hurts. It will hurt more if it continues. Take care of yourself, remember that we are the sum of all that we love, all that we learn, so that we will be humbled in our falls, and never repeat that behavior that hurts another.

    Posted by onthefence June 14, 09 11:47 PM
  1. Mere, Hoss, Rico, Sexual Chocolate, and just about everyone else got it right. He should have introduced you to her as soon as she got in. I bet she doesnt even know about you. And if she does, he has said things about you to make her feel like your relationship isnt going anywhere . I have lots of male friends and there is no way I would go on a trip alone with him knowing he has a serious relationship and I havent met his girl. But I can say that me and women "CAN" be just friends and hang out alone. Its just the fact that he didnt bother to get your ok before planning the trip and he hasnt bother to introduce you to his "FRIEND". I agree with Hoss, maybe he is trying to make you break up with him. Ive seen this before. Why would he tell you about the trip, dismiss you concerns, and still not introduce you to her or invite you. Also Sexual Chocolate is right. Go up there sat night and join the party. You will be able to tell by "HER" reaction if something is going on. (only if she has a heart)

    Posted by LilShorty98 June 15, 09 07:12 AM
  1. I believe the expression used these days is "He's just not that into you".
    You have not been introduced to her because she is hot and you would have zero doubt once you saw her.

    Posted by BillyO June 15, 09 07:33 AM
  1. are you kidding me? for real? Are you that naive to think there is nothing going on here???? Wake up. The fact that he won't introduce you to some friends speaks for itself. And a girl who he has only know for such a short amount of time? He just isn't that into you (like the title of the book). He is into her though. Sorry for being so da** blunt here but you need to face the obvious.

    Posted by jcm34 June 15, 09 07:40 AM
  1. Relax. Maybe you should open your relationship with your BF and his side dish? Everyone wins.

    Posted by Don Juan June 15, 09 07:44 AM
  1. I just want to bring light to this momentous occasion Meredith: every single comment is in agreement! I have never seen a letter where every single poster is in agreement.

    I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY HOPE THAT THIS LETTER WRITER WILL KEEP US UPDATED- WE NEED MORE lw'S TO KEEP US IN THE LOOP OF HOW THINGS WENT, ETC.

    Posted by Skyler June 15, 09 08:10 AM
  1. As a guy trust me, he's definitely up to something no good. 4days away with a girl alone that you don't know? Come one lets face it, deep down inside you know it too, DON"T be in denial, face the reality. Tell him how you feel and confront him and if he still goes, forget him.

    Posted by j June 15, 09 08:14 AM
  1. You are definitely not on the same plane in this relationship. It's not over, it never existed.

    Posted by Noelle June 15, 09 08:16 AM
  1. Listen, this is what you should do. Grow a set! Clearly, romance is not this clown's forte. Hit him with a 2 x 4- figuratively of course. Lay it on the line and wait for the response. Unfortunately, in this day and age, monogamy is undervalued by both sexes. At least you know what you're dealing with here. Extend it out to the future. Do you want to always be wondering whether or not this person is faithful? If you have to be vigilant in a relationship, it's already over. You want different things. Find what's right for you.

    Posted by hippydippy June 15, 09 08:26 AM
  1. Very weird and inappropriate. More than 'just friends' will happen during the weekend. Get over this guy - he is a loser.

    Posted by Joe June 15, 09 08:31 AM
  1. This sucks. He sounds like a jerk, an idiot, and/or a cheater.

    Posted by lisa June 15, 09 08:36 AM
  1. It's cheating to promise to singlehandedly meet somebody's sexual needs for the rest of their life and then fail to do so. Maybe people shouldn't make such preposterous promises to each other before, during, and after marriage. Maybe it's time to relieve our relationships of the cultural burden of such unrealistic sexual expectations.

    Posted by bosfiddle June 15, 09 08:52 AM
  1. There are three types of men:
    1. Those that would NEVER cheat -- representing maybe 20% of men.
    2. Those that would cheat, but are too afraid of being caught -- representing maybe 30% of men.
    3. The rest all sleep around -- no matter what they tell their women.
    That's just the way it is.

    Posted by ronin555 June 15, 09 08:53 AM
  1. Crack that whip, Give the past the slip, Step on a crack,Break your Merdith's back, When a problem comes along,JC must whip it,Before the cream sits out too long,JC must whip it,When something’s going wrong,JC must whip it, Now whip it Into shape,Shape it up,Get straight,Go forward break,Move loveonahead,Try to detect the cheat,Its not too late.

    Posted by bosfiddle June 15, 09 08:56 AM
  1. As a guy dating an older woman myself (only by 4 years) I find this stupid on his part.
    First off, he should be able to introduce his friends to you anyway. Not to shows either that he's hiding something or doesn't trust you to "understand" him. Neither is good for such a "close relationship". My friends and I are total loons when we get together. My girlfriend, while more "mature" than I am, finds it comical. Of corse she'd NEVER do some of the things our stupidity brings out but she WILL laugh at us. Far as I'm concerned you should be able to be yourself around your significant other.
    I'm going away this September with some of my friends and she can't come. (Which is very different than this woman's problem) My girlfriend has prior comitments, but knows that I'd LOVE her to come.
    Bottom line is that he is either cheating or is LOOKING to cheat.

    Posted by Tom June 15, 09 09:06 AM
  1. 173 has it correct.....he is offended because you don't trust him....don't let him turn this around....he is wrong, no question about it!!!!

    Posted by a June 15, 09 09:38 AM
  1. Love it...the weekend shag-a-torium...he falls into the lucky guy bin. Has the weekend place and you to shag during the week. Leave this alone.

    Older girl chases younger buck , younger buck still acts like a younger buck. You need to spend more time talking things out with your dad.
    "The Cougar and the Texan tangle on Cape Cod"
    This would be good reading. How about your go to the Cape late Saturday, bring wine, drink with the gang and make a threesome happen. Then come back and write about that...it would be better reading than this news flash that a heathy twenty something man has insemination plans for a long weekend.

    Posted by Cape Codder June 15, 09 09:39 AM
  1. "My issue is not that I assume he is going to cheat on me with her (I do trust him)"

    Actually, that is your issue, and that is the subject of your entire letter. If you're not being honest with yourself, then you're certainly not being honest with him about these feelings. My guess would be that this is the tip of the iceberg, that there's a space that's been growing between the two of you and he is the one recognizing it. The fact that he has a big part of his life that you're not part of is a pretty clear indication of that. Whether you acknowledge it or not, you don't trust him, and this will soon become a self-fulfilling prophecy as a result.

    In other words, you're driving him away with your jealousy, regardless of whether or not it's warranted.

    Posted by Andrew June 15, 09 12:30 PM
  1. Andrew, you are either LW's boyfriend or one of his buddies.
    Did you not read the other 200+ comments?

    Posted by DrK June 15, 09 02:19 PM
  1. I would love to hear an update on this one. Hoping she kicked him to the curb.

    Posted by Sally June 15, 09 05:04 PM
  1. I just read this and I know its well after the fact, but.....many years ago, I was a "friend" of a man. We spent a lot of time together in a group situation. As time went on, we clearly had affection for each other. Eventually, he asked me on a date. We started dating. He was younger than me. He had a girlfriend for the 2 yrs. that we spent time together in the group situation. I NEVER knew this. He NEVER spoke of her. EVER. I found out years later. Fast forward....he would spend time with a group of friends, he never introduced me, his girlfriend to. Even though he spoke of love, committment, marriage. He went out one night. Slept at a friends house. A girl. THey'd been friends since college. I'd never met her. I didn't believe him. He said I was awful girlfriend for having no trust in him. For not knowing what love meant. Three weeks later, the girl told me they were sleeping together. Had been all along. Do you see where I'm going with this. It will never end. He will try to make you feel like you are jealous, angry and in the wrong. It helps him sleep better at night. Run fast. Keep your dignity in tact.

    Posted by Jo June 15, 09 05:08 PM
  1. TNTBJ, what finally happened? It's now Monday night and he must be back from the Cape by now. Please update us with a post - we really do all want to know what he said, and how you are dealing with it.

    Posted by J Bar June 15, 09 08:00 PM
  1. TNTBJ - Please update us on what is going on since his return. As for all the people making rude comments and making fun of your intelligence- don't take it personally. Sometimes people may think that you need a metaphorical slap in the face to see what has been blinding you. We're all trying to help, even if it comes across as mean. Love can make you blind, and sometimes you don't realize how clear and obvious things are until you step away from the situation and/or ask for advice from an objective group of people (us.) Unfortunately, or fortunately, you'll get the good, the bad, the ugly, and the down right mean from the commentors, but if it helps you see that 200 plus objective people all agree, then hopefully it will save you more heartache down the road. Good luck and keep in contact!


    Posted by Skyler June 16, 09 08:09 AM
  1. DrK,

    I think you and many others read the comments and ignored the letter. This is obviously a very jealous woman, and he is obviously not a mature man. Instead of her discussing her feelings openly with him, she is deluding herself by saying "I do trust him" in the context of saying just how much is inappropriate about his weekend sojourn.

    At no point did I say the boyfriend was right or justified. None of us know anywhere near enough about this to even suggest who is right or wrong. I stated that he is the one recognizing the distance growing between them and acting upon it. Instead of talking with him about it, she's posting on Boston.com and garnering the sympathies of 200 anonymous posters who say (mostly) that she's justified in her fears and distrust.

    I would argue the level of emotional maturity is questionable on the part of both folks, and neither one of them seems to be completely honest with the other.

    Posted by Andrew June 16, 09 08:46 AM
  1. Andrew,

    Mere, the others here and I got her back. You obviously don't.
    This guy has pulled the wool over TNTBJ's eyes and she just needs a little help seeing things for what they really are.
    The issue here is dishonesty, not emotional maturity.

    Posted by DrK June 16, 09 12:58 PM
  1. Andrew,

    Right or wrong does not need more background here as the facts speak for themselves:

    1. He will not introduce current gf to the group of friends where he knows this girl from.
    2. This girl is flying up for the weekend from TEXAS to spend time on the cape with him.
    3. Current gf is not invited (!)

    Sorry, but nowhere in my personal relationship book would any of these facts err on the side of "right".


    Posted by hesacheater June 16, 09 02:28 PM
  1. Agreed, DrK.

    Can't wait for TNTBJ's update.

    Posted by sm1231 June 16, 09 03:22 PM
  1. Just got word of this this afternoon. Friend of friend. Anyways, thanks to all for ruining what was supposed to be a surprise. The weekend was actually a vacation getaway for the two of them that was set to include a surprise birthday party for her on Sunday which was going to include him proposing and his family giving them the house as a gift (hence the Sunday night stay as well). The "friend from Texas" scheme was a ploy to make her think that no family would be around and not get suspicious of a possible party.

    However, you took your Springer show mentality and got her so upset and degraded that she put all his stuff out on the curb and would not return the any phone calls, texts, emails, etc. She has been MIA for a week plus. He was left explaining to out of town guests that he didn't know where she was.

    Posted by saddened June 16, 09 03:52 PM
  1. DrK,

    I see - we're in the typical Massachusetts dilemma where if you don't side firmly with the majority, you're wrong. It's okay to have an opinion, as long as it's the same as everyone else's. Otherwise, you're just wrong.

    But I agree that the issue is dishonesty, and there is where she is as guilty as he is. She's lying to herself by saying "I do trust him" and then writing to thousands of strangers about how she *really* feels, seeking "justification" in her own words.

    Posted by Andrew June 16, 09 04:30 PM
  1. Your heart is getting the best of you.. If you really take the time to read all these comments you will see that 98% say the same thing over and over. Everyone can tell you how foolish you are, but are you actually going to take their advice? Sometimes we need to live and learn. My Father has the best expression "You can't put an old head on young shoulders." Now you might be in your 30's but everyone learns these type of lessons at different stages in life. I like to think of them as character builders! Going through awful things sometimes make you wiser and stronger. However do remember you are the one in control of your life. You may not have choosen the path you are being sent down, BUT you are picking out the greenery along the way!


    Posted by Christine<3 Good Luck! June 16, 09 05:26 PM
  1. Because I want to help TNTBJ, here's some additional input. If you want to grow, I hope you'll take it to heart.

    "He said he hasn't introduced me to these friends because he assumes I may find them immature (this may be true, I am in my early 30s and he is in his mid 20s)."

    Not the best answer. So his friends are immature and that means they're not worth your time? If they're important to him, they should be important enough to you to at least meet. Did you ask "when can we get together with your friends?" or "why don't we invite so-and-so?" Your letter doesn't indicate that you made the effort and put it squarely on him, meaning his friendships weren't important to you. Only now you're changing your mind when you see one of them as a *threat*. We treat opportunities very differently than threats, and you did not take advantage of the opportunity when it was present.

    Posted by Andrew June 16, 09 06:02 PM
  1. I must say leave now. What i find funny about you not meeting his friends and then taking a girl down the Cape for 4 days is very sketchy. I am 22 and I have a lot of guy friends, but would never in a million years go on a 4 day vaca with a guy (alone) if I knew he had a girlfriend. My guess is he never even told him college buddies about you and he his trying to feel out if things with this girl are going anywhere.

    Please for your own sanity, just pick up and go. This guy is an insensitive jerk.

    Posted by VintageCutie June 16, 09 06:55 PM
  1. To continue DrK's point Andrew,
    Often times someone finds themselves in a position like this and can/willnot accept that the relationship is over. When one cares about someone so much as she and is devastated at the thought of the love interest spending alone time with someone of the opposite sex and at the same time being undermined by that very love using the jealousy card as a weapon all one can do is hope. If one person were to offer her a hint that her worries are unfounded, this would be the one person she'd cling to to perpetuate the idea that his heart may still belongs to her.

    Sometimes we just reach out for that miracle hand and hope against all odds that our situation is better than it sounds. I'm not totally cynical mind you because I do believe in small miracles as they have happened in my own life.

    In this case, TNTBJ's guy has moved on and can't man up. It's going to make her sick, but TNTBJ will feel much better if she takes control & just cuts him loose and tell him she's not fooled.

    Posted by marj June 16, 09 10:13 PM
  1. Anybody else think "Saddened" is full of it? How exactly was this a big surprise weekend for TNTBJ if she wasn't actually invited?

    And even if true, what kind of moron plans a surprise romantic weekend... by pretending he's going away with another girl? and then doesn't notice how obviously distraught his supposedly soon-to-be-fiance is by the plan?

    I call BS, but even if true, this dude is still either oblivious or some kind of manipulative monster. Don't be distracted by the big sparkler into taking him back!!!

    Posted by Q97 June 17, 09 09:10 AM
  1. saddened, if thats true then hes stupid and thats his own fault for making up a horrible lie. it actually doesnt even make sense...also he did say his aunts and uncles would be there...

    Posted by yearightok June 17, 09 09:27 AM
  1. Marj - I think you put it very well that TNTBJ is hoping upon hope. But I don't think she was reaching out for hope, I think she was reaching out to take the decision off her own shoulders, and be able to point said boyfriend to Boston.com to explain how wrong he is.

    As for hesacheater's points:
    "1. He will not introduce current gf to the group of friends where he knows this girl from.
    2. This girl is flying up for the weekend from TEXAS to spend time on the cape with him.
    3. Current gf is not invited (!)"

    She actually never said he "will not introduce" her. In fact, she was quite careful to omit whether she had made that strong an effort. As for #2, this has nothing to do with either party in this scenario, and the writer Used "supposedly" and "assume" to describe this visit, meaning she is basing her knowledge on conjecture. And #3 is the big one: when did she *ever* say she was not invited? In fact, what did she say she was doing that weekend? Not a word about it.

    All of this goes back to my original note: read the letter. Note what language she uses, what she shares, and what she omits. She is not being honest with herself and her biases are clouding her (and nearly every commenter's) judgment.

    Posted by Andrew June 17, 09 11:09 AM
  1. This leaves SUCH a bad taste in my mouth!!

    I think something fishy is going on here. Maybe he is lining her up. Why is it again that you cant go with them? He is a baby who cant decide what he wants.

    DUMP. HIM. NOW.

    Posted by Robin June 17, 09 12:02 PM
  1. Andrew, what does it matter if TNTBJ is overly jealous? Whatever lead them to this situation - maybe she wasn't welcoming to his friends, maybe she's not as trusting as she'd like to think she is - tell us how this guy's answer to the situation (ie, to take a strange girl away for a weekend and telling his GF she's "ridiculous" for being concerned by it) is an acceptable reaction? Don't look at the oft-cited 200+ supportive emails as people saying she's 100% right and he's 100% wrong - the universal theme here is that the entire relationship is what's wrong and that it needs to end.

    Posted by Q97 June 17, 09 03:49 PM
  1. From the poster TNTBJ:
    Hello again fellow readers - I wish I had an update for you but I don't! It has been "radio silence" from my BF since he left last week. Actually we haven't spoken since last Monday.
    When I wrote the post last week, it was before we had our last exchange of emails in which he said he was extremely angry with me (he used the term "livid"), and said he would not want to talk to me when he got back. He also never said whether he was coming back Monday or Tuesday.

    So, I have had a miserable time trying to wait to contact him, but later tonight I will. Not sure what I will say or how it will go. But I will keep you posted!

    Regarding the post from "Saddened" - yes that is either a BS post or the person thinks this post is about someone else. There was no surprise party, its not my birthday anytime soon.

    And to Andrew who has posted above - I was NEVER invited to this weekend trip. I'm sorry I've omitted all the details (I was trying to keep it as short and simple as possible). When I say I was not worried about him cheating, its because up until this weekend trip came up, I had never suspected or worried about him cheating before. But this weekend seems to be a different situation.
    I posted this on Boston.com precisely because he insisted repeatedly that this trip was normal, that there was nothing wrong with it, and that I should "ask anyone". I asked a few of my friends, but I really thought an unbiased opinion from someone who doesn't know either of us would help.

    Posted by TNTBJ June 17, 09 04:09 PM
  1. TNTBJ,

    The very fact that you're trying to defend yourself to Andrew worries me - you're not sure he's wrong, are you... Well, he is, so don't listen to him.

    In a thread of this length, you're sure to get a few bitter souls who project their own experiences onto you. I suspect you do a good enough job of beating yourself up, so don't let him get a hit in too. He's doing the same thing all master manipulators do -the exact same thing your boyfriend did- trying to change the subject and turn the blame around on you.

    Your own personality flaws are irrelevant to this particular question; what your boyfriend did is not acceptable. Period. You asked "anyone" and 99.5% of the responses said he was dead wrong. Most of them felt hyperbole was necessary.

    So don't listen to the 0.5%. It's tempting, I know - especially if you're a perfectionist, which I strongly suspect. But don't do it. Whether or not he's cheating is irrelevant at this point. He refused to listen to your concerns, his concept of appropriate behavior is obviously skewed beyond belief, and then he turned controlling and emotionally abusive. Cheating pales in the face of these offenses. You need to get out of there, and fast.

    It does sound like some time with a counselor would help you, though. The fact that you tried to stifle a natural and justified response...not good. The fact that you took his word for it that you wouldn't like his friends...also not good. Trust me, I get it (oh boy do I get it) - you were trying not to be demanding. But it gave him the opportunity to feed you whatever line he wanted. As in all things, moderation is the key. Lunch with a female friend on occasion? Reasonable. Long weekend away? Not reasonable. So I beg you to talk to a counselor, who can give you a well-educated and unbiased outside perspective and help you establish a realistic baseline for what is normal and/or acceptable in a relationship. And how to recognize the signs of a manipulator early. And how to deal with the loss of a long term relationship. And how to find the balance between clingy and detached.

    Posted by Little Birdie June 17, 09 09:30 PM
  1. TNTBJ,

    Look, unless this guy is secretly ill, and he actually spent this past weekend getting one of this girl's kidneys, cut your losses. If this kind of thing is happening now, then it will only lead to bigger and badder things in the future. You've more than "asked anyone," you've asked EVERYONE. How many more third party opinions telling you to head for hills will it take?

    Posted by The Enabler June 18, 09 01:07 PM
 
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Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.

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