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TNTBJ updates us on Cape girl trip

Posted by Meredith Goldstein  June 17, 2009 06:04 PM

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She kept her word. Here you go, an update from from Trying Not To Be Jealous -- Meredith


Hello again fellow readers - I wish I had an update for you but I don't! It has been "radio silence" from my BF since he left last week. Actually we haven't spoken since last Monday.
When I wrote the post last week, it was before we had our last exchange of emails in which he said he was extremely angry with me (he used the term "livid"), and said he would not want to talk to me when he got back. He also never said whether he was coming back Monday or Tuesday.

So, I have had a miserable time trying to wait to contact him, but later tonight I will. Not sure what I will say or how it will go. But I will keep you posted!

Regarding the post from "Saddened" - yes that is either a [false] post or the person thinks this post is about someone else. There was no surprise party, its not my birthday anytime soon.

And to Andrew who has posted - I was NEVER invited to this weekend trip. I'm sorry I've omitted all the details (I was trying to keep it as short and simple as possible). When I say I was not worried about him cheating, its because up until this weekend trip came up, I had never suspected or worried about him cheating before. But this weekend seems to be a different situation.

I posted this on Boston.com precisely because he insisted repeatedly that this trip was normal, that there was nothing wrong with it, and that I should "ask anyone". I asked a few of my friends, but I really thought an unbiased opinion from someone who doesn't know either of us would help.

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180 comments so far...
  1. From Hamlet....
    "The lady doth protest too much, methinks."
    --From Hamlet (III, ii, 239)

    He's "Livid" with you??? Huh? I think you've got your answer. You've been dumped and he isn't man enough to do it proper. You'll feel bad now, but later, maybe years from now, you'll realize that you've dodged a bullet here. Take care and be nice to yourself. Myabe have your friends throw you a "Dodge a Bullet" night on the town.

    Posted by Lain the Blunt June 17, 09 06:19 PM
  1. Wow. But why would you call him? It has been a few days since your post, but what I remember is the thundering firestorm of disapproval and disbelief from the readers. For once, let me repeat that, FOR ONCE, they seemed to be in agreement about something, and what I remember is that they thought you should ditch this rodent.

    He knew it was hurtful for you and he went anyway; now he's back and he hasn't called you. Don't you deserve someone better?

    Posted by sushidog June 17, 09 06:19 PM
  1. Hon, he's either cheating (anger is often used as a cover for guilt), or he's emotionally 12 years old. Either way, you're better off without him.

    Posted by Danskat June 17, 09 06:46 PM
  1. Sounds like he's livid he was caught.

    If this was really normal and nothing to worry about then he wouldn't be avoiding you like this. At this point, even if he didn't cheat and had no intention of doing so he clearly has some other issues.

    Posted by pomgreen June 17, 09 06:46 PM
  1. Ring.....ring.....ring....hello....it's the clue phone......please pick it up.......go with your gut........and go to the DUMP!

    Posted by BCMBA1989 June 17, 09 06:57 PM
  1. Wow, wow, wow, this may be the most manipulative partner ever posted on this site. I am so sorry, TNTBJ, that this person thinks he's entitled to transfer responsibility for his shiftless, thoughtless, cruel actions to you, but I urge you to dump his sorry ass without so much as a backward glance. Usually I am not judgmental without personally knowing the parties involved, but this man's actions scream narcissist. There is no happily ever after with this player, for you or the Texas Two-Stepper. You deserve better. Go find Mr. Right (or, for the interim, Mr. Right Now). As Dorothy Parker once so rightly observed, "Time wounds all heels."

    Posted by Kate's Nonna June 17, 09 07:09 PM
  1. Huston, we've got a problem. He thinks you two have a relationship of convenience, while somehow you think you are in a committed relationship. If this is one of convenience, then it's quite ok that he goes with another girl down the Cape, so he is right. If this is a committed relationship, then you are right-he is cheating.
    He's been almost spelling it out for you all along, yet you keep on missing these signs. If you still don't know how he sees the two of you, then just ask him.
    I have a feeling that actually you already know the answer to this conundrum, but you are too afraid to admit it.

    Posted by too obvious June 17, 09 07:09 PM
  1. I don't understand why you want to be in touch with a man who has the nerve to be "livid" with you when he spent a weekend away with another woman. Honey, I don't even know you and I can tell you that you're too good for him. It's hard, it hurts and being hurt sucks. But you will heal and move on and find someone who understands what commitment and common decency mean. Good luck, dear!

    Posted by SA June 17, 09 07:10 PM
  1. He goes off with a woman for the weekend and hasn't called you since. Radio silence, eh? To sound cruel but honest, he wrote you off. The guy went off with another woman for a few days...right in front of you and now is angry with you...that you would question him! PLEASE WAKE UP!!!! SHAKE OUT OF THIS!!!! YOU DESERVE BETTER!!! DON'T BE PATHETIC, HAVE SELF RESPECT. don't call him....move on...and good luck!

    Posted by Lisa June 17, 09 07:33 PM
  1. Dump him! The guy's shagging her rotten, no two ways about it!

    Posted by JT June 17, 09 07:39 PM
  1. Nice to hear back, TNTBJ.

    I think you shouldn't contact him. Just leave. Move on. You should have your closure from his actions. Whether he has his, who cares. You're a mature individual that any man would be lucky to date.

    Dump the loser and move on. Don't even worry about telling him you're dumping him, just cease all contact. It's not worth it. If you do contact him, you'll give him an opening to lie and try to weasel and manipulate you.

    Posted by Mikey "Insane" Monkeypants June 17, 09 07:54 PM
  1. He's made his position perfectly clear. I would not waste anymore energy. You want him to be someone he isn't going to be. There are plenty more men out there.

    Posted by lala June 17, 09 07:55 PM
  1. Oh, dear....When he said he was "livid" for you expressing your feelings, that is a big red flag... huge in fact. He doth protest too much, me thinks.
    I forget the bulk of your friendly and supportive comments for their were so many... but I would say, cut and run. Get an STD test to get that bit of paperwork out of the way and get on with life. Man, that hurts and really s*cks.
    You were not in the least out of line, he certainly was. Please do not eat yourself up about this. I suspect it is a case of, "he is doing you a favor".
    The right one will show up when you least expect it. Ask me, ask my wife :)
    And isn't Rico cool? Meredith- thanks for mentoring so many.

    Posted by BenWhite June 17, 09 07:58 PM
  1. Honey,
    I read your original email and there were so many responses that I didn't bother replying, but he is a total cliche. Of course he's "livid" that you asked him a simple question. He needs an excuse to justify his behavior. Trust me, no girl flies a thousand miles to spend the weekend on Cape Cod (which I'm assuming she could easily visit during the school year) with a guy who is just a buddy. None of my girlfriends would find his behavior acceptable (I asked), so you are completely within your rights to be suspicious. If there was nothing going on, he would have invited you to go, not informed you he was going without you. He might not have wanted to end your relationship before he was sure how they would get along (guys are notorious for that), But he's just hedging his bets. I'm really sorry, but this guy is being a complete jerk and you don't deserve it. I wouldn't even call him, just move on. We've all been there.

    Posted by Kelly June 17, 09 08:14 PM
  1. You gotta "wash that man right out of your hair"... and fast. Get over him. Put a period on that chapter of your life and move on to someone else. Good Luck.

    Posted by Chloe-OBrien June 17, 09 08:25 PM
  1. TTNBJ and the pregnancy scare guy need to have a blind date.

    Posted by K June 17, 09 08:30 PM
  1. Trying,
    Thank you for updating us. I'm sorry to hear about the the way this has progressed. It's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel right now, but someday you will be thankful that you found out what he was like before things progressed to marriage and kids. You seem to be a wonderful, caring person. Perhaps this just opened up your social calendar to meet Mr. Fabulous, who will love, respect and appreciate what a catch he has in you. I went through something similar. I was in my 30's and thought time was running out. Finally I came to my senses. The guy was leading a double life. I cut my losses. Better to be alone with a shot at happiness than miserable in a relationship. Six months later I met Dr. McDreamy. If I had a crystal ball that showed the future, I would have left the other relationship years earlier. Needless to say, 16 years later and still blissfully married to Dr. McDreamy. Take heart, the best is yet to come.

    Posted by Bambinosmom June 17, 09 08:36 PM
  1. Why bother contacting him??? He's a jerk. I hate him and I don't even know him.

    Posted by Lisa June 17, 09 08:39 PM
  1. Insisted on go together, or maybe the cape trip is cancel. you don't have to worry

    Posted by do you want to go? June 17, 09 08:40 PM
  1. I think you have been dumped. I don't think talking to this guy again is going to give you any closure or peace.

    Move on with you head held high. You deserve better than this guy!

    Posted by Older and Wiser June 17, 09 08:49 PM
  1. Its so over.....just move him and lose his number!
    And if all else fails...have a yard sale with his stuff for payback!

    Posted by Sabs June 17, 09 09:23 PM
  1. Thanks for the update TNTBJ. I really dislike your BF. I want to kick him you-know-where. Hard.

    Posted by Sally June 17, 09 09:39 PM
  1. Manboy. Immature. Not worthy of you. Dump him and move on, it's what he wants anyway, he just doesn't want his fingerprints on the weapon.

    Posted by Steve Gobie June 17, 09 09:40 PM
  1. TNTBJ,
    Thank you for updating us. I have been checking back in daily (I am not a regular on this blog) and appreciate you letting us know the status. Please please please do not think any of this is your fault. The fact that he thinks he can behave the way he has, and get angry at you for expressing disapproval over it, just shows this guy is a total creep. I really hope you don't keep hanging on to him...it's better to be alone than be with someone that has zero respect for you. Go meet someone better! Please keep us posted.

    Posted by Tiki June 17, 09 09:42 PM
  1. Oh my gosh, where were you when I was in my 20s? To enjoy all the finer things in life with you, yet continue to explore and experiment with the younger ones, too....all at the same time....why, what a great ride!
    Actually, I would have treated you with more respect than this -- even if you didn't demand it (and in this case, obviously you are not demanding it). It sounds to me like the first person you need to start demanding respect from is yourself -- it's called self-respect. If you don't, guys like your boyfriend will find you, over and over again, and exploit you for it each time.
    But of course, my 20s are over, and today I am in my 40s and married to a nice woman (who is just a couple of years younger than me). When we started dating there were no platonic relationships with the opposite sex that involved weekend getaways. But that was just us, guess we were boring! But at least we were together (and thankfully still are).

    Posted by Fast_Eddie June 17, 09 10:07 PM
  1. Like a lot of people I've followed your posts. I feel very bad for you but I have to tell you you need to let this guy go. Don't call him any more. He broke faith when he went away with another girl for 4 days . . . I promise you, if I ever went away with another woman for 4 days it would mean either a. I'm cheating on my girlfriend big time or b. I'm not cheating but I'm thinking about it or c. I'm not cheating and I'm just an idiot, but what all 3 cases have in common is that they mean that I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS. I would NEVER do that to my girlfriend, and any man who would isn't someone you want to entrust your heart to. Now things may have fallen apart. Let them. Don't call him any more. He will most likely call you at some point. Even guys don't just walk away from a good relationship. And maybe the conversation will take a good turn, and maybe a bad turn, but just wait until then. And if the call never comes, find a way to move on. And if the call does come, find a way to move on. HE WAS NOT THE ONE. There are plenty of men out there who will care about your feelings.

    Posted by CambridgeDayandNight June 17, 09 10:08 PM
  1. Hate to say this Girlfriend, but they made mad monkey love on the dunes in the moonlight. The fact that he was angry that you doubted him sealed the deal....

    He's a diminutive Richard. He needs to go....

    Posted by Kinky Hoffmeister June 17, 09 10:17 PM
  1. If you haven't called him yet, then put down your phone and slowly step away. Better yet, run, run away. Do NOT call this clown. Under any circumstances. He doesn't need you chasing after him. That would only feed his ego.

    Instead, get all gussied up and go out. Make plans for the weekend. Write a list of things you can do for yourself and start doing them. For the next two weeks, it's all about you. As soon as you start moving forward, the clown will return. Then you give him a piece of your mind. In the meantime, let it go. (I know, it's hard.) Under no circumstance should you be involved with anyone who treats you like a second class citizen. And that, my friend, is the way he treated you.

    Remember, you're the grand prize, not the consolation prize. You come first. If the Big Idiot doesn't know that by now, then it's time for you to find someone who does.

    Posted by mccamp June 17, 09 10:17 PM
  1. TNTBJ, you need to post this JRKO's name all over boston.com. Reference Love Letters. It doesn't matter if it's in response to some other article, just mention him and "the Cape" and we'll know. It'll get past some of the censors, and we'll all be on him so fast he won't know what hit him!

    Get this creep- loser's name out there for all to see!!! Don't forget to mention where he works!

    Posted by Jen-X June 17, 09 10:33 PM
  1. This "would not want to talk to [you] when he got back" thing sounds to me like this guy has come as close to breaking it off as he would ever have the stones to. As others have said, he didn't have the guts to figure out for himself whether he wants this new girl over you, so he tried to force your hand instead with this weekend trip. It didn't work - you haven't ended the relationship and saved him the trouble of doing it himself - so he's pushing you harder.

    I think it's time to do it, for your own sake, not his. It's way beyond acceptable in an honest and caring relationship to pile the blame on you for a situation like this. Don't call him, and don't waste any time ending it if he calls you. I know it must be hard since you've been with this guy for awhile, but you'll be so relieved when you meet and fall for a guy who treats you with the sensitivity and thoughtfulness you deserve.

    Posted by Liz June 17, 09 10:41 PM
  1. I have to admit that 20+ years ago I was on the other side. Asked by a guy I was dating to join him for a weekend away in the mountains. The issue was that he had recently told me about the girlfriend from home who was a year or 2 older and working fulltime. Although he and I certainly had a strong emotional connection and sexual attraction, I did not jump and do wonder what turn my life would of taken if I had been a free spirit. They are married with 3 children and I am also happily married with 3 of my own. We were 20 and 21 at the time - allowed the space for experimenting and forgiveness.
    My husband and I dated for 4 years while living in different cities and we never focus on the messy years before deciding to marry amd relocate. We were 26 when we made that decision.
    The question really is do you trust that his behavoir is temporary or permanent. Manogomy is so important and trust is the key to success!!!!!!

    Posted by nottoworry June 17, 09 10:44 PM
  1. Rhett Butler could've been speaking to your boyfriend instead of Scarlett O'Hara:
    "You're like the thief who isn't the least bit sorry he stole, but is terribly, terribly sorry he's going to jail."

    Count your blessings you don't have a child with this loser, get the STD testing and move on to the next (and hopefully better) fish in the sea.

    Posted by Jennie June 17, 09 10:45 PM
  1. Hate to say this Girlfriend, but they made mad monkey love on the dunes in the moonlight. The fact that he was angry that you doubted him sealed the deal....

    He's a diminutive Richard. He needs to go....

    Posted by Kinky Hoffmeister June 17, 09 10:47 PM
  1. Like everyone else here I agree run don't walk. Don't call him, it only lets him know you still care. He obviously doesn't. When the new flavor of the mo walks away and she will, I promise he will call again. Do yourself a favor don't answer, Let him go.

    He's not worth the trouble and pain he'll cause. It will hurt for a bit now but will be much worse if you waste your time. You've given him almost 2 years don't give him more. The best revenge is being happy. That may take a little while but it will come.

    Posted by saybye June 17, 09 10:52 PM
  1. Kinky Hoffmeister, the weather over the weekend was low 60's at night inland, so definitely colder on the water... no one was making mad monkey love on any dune on the Cape. You're just (ab)using this opportunity to make yourself feel clever .. FAIL.

    Girl, please tell us you didn't call him. I hope you have a girlfriend that can convince you to keep your fingers off the phone. He's an ass, and manipulative. Lose him.

    Posted by Diet Coke June 17, 09 11:09 PM
  1. Thanks for posting the update. As you can see, your story grabbed many of us. Your update confirms what all of us seemed to write in response to your original post....that the relationship is over. Like many have said in this new post...you need to see this as good riddance. Yes, it will painful in the next few weeks or even months as you mourn what you thought you had, and where you thought it was going. But, just because you had your own perspective on the relationship doesn't mean it was a genuine thing and obviously HE wasn't a genuine person. From your letters, there is nothing you have done to deserve someone being "livid" with you, so clearly he is projecting a whole lot of nonsense towards you which is beyond mean-spirited. Just like people need to walk away as fast as possible from physically abusive relationships, people need to apply that same urgency to emotionally abusive ones as well. Threats to our spiritual and emotional selves are just as toxic. DO NOT CALL HIM! I know you probably want more closure or feel the need to release your anger towards him, but he has taken up far too much of your precious time, energy, and positive spirit already. Heal on your own. Call a friend if need be and vent to that person. Don't email him either. Cease all communication. If he calls or emails you, don't answer. He doesn't deserve any iota of your time. You WILL get through this...and you will be a stronger person for it. Have faith. Remember...things happen for a reason. There's a reason all this was revealed now....see it for the positive things (you get to find someone who will treat you right), and not for the negative.

    Posted by bklynmom June 17, 09 11:34 PM
  1. First of all, kick this idiot to the curb. Then put on the tune "Nardis" from Bill Evans' "Explorations" CD and roll a big fat one...

    Posted by sj June 18, 09 12:00 AM
  1. PLEASE.... have some SELF-RESPECT and cut off all communications with this f*cking loser!!!

    Makes my blood boil to think how he's treating you (and I don't even know you!).

    Remember: being happy and successful will be the best revenge. So, dust yourself off, pick yourself up, make some dates with your girlfriends, go out have some fun, and BE HAPPY. No moping around waiting around the phone. Life's too short to be wasting on losers like this one.

    Posted by germain June 18, 09 12:18 AM
  1. Don't call him because it would be futile. He's manipulative and he'll just turn it around on you again. I think you should email him the link to the original post and this one with the message "I went ahead and did what you said and asked 'anyone' about this situation. Here's the unanimous answer from over 100 people.

    You're an a-hole. I hope she was worth it. Never speak to me again. Bye."

    Posted by rebs June 18, 09 12:29 AM
  1. I second mccamp. You're selling yourself short. You can do better, you just need to look beyond where you are. Yes it's HARD.

    Here's the thing....it only gets harder with time.....

    Posted by Anonymous June 18, 09 12:40 AM
  1. At first I thought it was only the boyfriend that had issues, but now it's clear that this girl has issues as well since she asked for advice, which came loud and clear and she's still in la-la-land. Wake up and smell the coffee. MOVE ON - your biological clock is ticking.

    Posted by wobecky June 18, 09 01:22 AM
  1. She didn't say why he said he was livid.

    However, if this was truly a platonic relationship he would have introduced her to you and you would be hearing occasional stories from him about his conversations with her, etc. He might even have asked her to call you to talk to you and assure you that they are friends an nothing more.

    He has done none of these things. I'm guessing that either he's livid that your constraining his concept of freedom to pursue whatever he wants, or he's using it as a tactic to make you doubt yourself and your judgement.

    Good luck in your future endeavors and I wish happiness to you .

    Posted by steve in MA June 18, 09 01:35 AM
  1. I'm sorry this hurts you, first off. I'm sure this does. But I hope you learn from this. He's not your boyfriend anymore. Stop calling him that. You need to accept where you are. You can't make someone feel something they don't. When someone loves you, you'll know. They will WANT to make you happy. This man doesn't. Period. Someday you WILL find someone who fits this description and you'll understand the difference, and you'll be thankful that you walked away from this. Also, I think you need to learn from this what the warning signs are when someone really is losing interest in you. You save yourself ALOT of pain when you keep your ears and eyes open and stop making excuses for someone. It's as simple as this: when they stop caring about hurting your feelings, they have stopped caring for you. Good luck. God bless you.

    Posted by older and wiser June 18, 09 03:01 AM
  1. You DO have an update....YOU'VE BEEN DUMPED!!!!!!

    Posted by Straight talk June 18, 09 03:06 AM
  1. Uhhh, he told you he doesn't want to talk to you after he gets back. I'm sorry, but, that IS your update. He broke up with you before he left. I think it's time you did some serious soul searching and ask yourself how did your self esteme get so low in order that you allowed this to happen to you. Any women with an ounce of pride would have told him it's over at the suggestion of the overnight with another girl. Why didn't you? Why did you have to continue to be so badly treated, and still, you STILL didn't let go, it had to come down to him doing it? At this point, he's been emmotionally abusive, maybe verbally, and you've taken it and are waiting around for more. My dear, my dear, I think not only should you stay away from this person, have a slice of pride and do not try to contact him, but maybe it's time to see a councelor and find out why, and how, your self esteme got so very low as to allow yourself to be treated this way. I would do so before getting into another relationship because these things tend to repeat themselves. There was something very wrong here you never caught on to, and that begs a question as to why. This is pretty bad. I think it's time ot talk to someone professional. Good luck.

    Posted by oh my June 18, 09 03:22 AM
  1. I am sending hugs your way! As other posters have said, the guy's really doing you a favor. Consider this a clean cut and go out and enjoy your life! When you least expect it, someone wonderful will appear on the scene.

    Posted by beth June 18, 09 04:19 AM
  1. Dump him. You might think he is young enough that this type of affair is ok and later he'll settle down after enjoying youthful freedom a bit more. But I have seen this many times. The probability that this need to feel younger and vibrant will only get worse. I may stop for a while after this episode but will re-emerge in his thirties, probably after a couple kids have been added to the mix. Spare yourself.

    Posted by Concerned June 18, 09 04:51 AM
  1. He certainly appears to have something to hide.

    Posted by g szymczuk June 18, 09 06:31 AM
  1. We write our own book of life and there are no second chances to re-write it- don't let him take up any more space in your book- life is too short! Good luck!

    Posted by minnyca June 18, 09 07:00 AM
  1. don't waste time or money calling him - invest instead in a kick-a pair of shoes to go dancing in! He's a loser with a capital L - and other words that can't be printed here. There are plenty of fish in the sea.

    Posted by beentheredonethat June 18, 09 07:00 AM
  1. dear letter writer -- you seem to be such a sweet person. What is he going to say when you call? "Oh we had a fantastic weekend"? "we had a great weekend, thank you for asking"?? He doesn't want to call because he doesn't want to tell you what he did over the weekend. I wouldn't call if I were you. Does it hurt? yes, but take your time and move on. Younger guys changing their minds - yep, been there done that unfortunately. That is what has happened. He changed his mind and hooked up with this other girl. Just never told you. Let him go..... let him be livid. Maybe she is comforting him. Not worth it (and not easy, I agree, but do it!). Good luck

    Posted by chins June 18, 09 07:03 AM
  1. This is one for the books. We have all been waiting to hear from you. You don't deserve to be treated this way by anyone. What a complete tool he is.
    I hope you take all these comments (well, except for Andrew's) to heart and see him for the real person he is.
    Good luck.

    P.S. - I like the yard sale idea ; )

    Posted by DrK June 18, 09 07:11 AM
  1. Do NOT contact this awful man. He is HORRIBLE. He does NOT care about you AT ALL.
    Don't let him make a fool of you.
    Move on. You will be VERY glad you did.
    He does NOT deserve you. Let the Cape Cod Girl have him. She'll be sorry, I guarantee you.

    Posted by Shecky28 June 18, 09 07:22 AM
  1. So, it's pretty clear and many people here are right - you've been dumped. A guy doesn't need to say the words "I'm dumping you" if he says "I don't want to talk to you when I get back". So the bulk of commenters are right - don't call, don't write. And on that last note:

    "When I wrote the post last week, it was before we had our last exchange of emails"

    Whoa. You were conducting this "dialogue" via email? You were not even having face to face conversations about this? People have used the words "red flag", but that's a big one right there. If you cannot engage in conversations about topics that are crucial to your relationship, you don't have much of a relationship.

    I want to say, I think you both having some growing to do (note, I did not say *growing up*), and that would not occur if you had stayed together. Look back at this relationship before this weekend was even a blip on the radar screen and critically assess where things really went wrong. If you just chalk it up to him being immature, you'd be doing yourself a disservice for not considering why you ended up with a guy like that to begin with.

    Posted by Andrew June 18, 09 07:55 AM
  1. You still don't get it.

    He told you he was "livid" and "said he would not want to talk to me when he got back. So, I have had a miserable time trying to wait to contact him, but later tonight I will. Not sure what I will say or how it will go. But I will keep you posted!"

    Don't call him.

    Don't keep us posted.

    Get professional help.

    - Hoss

    Posted by Hoss June 18, 09 07:59 AM
  1. I know everything felt right, up until this little jaunt he took to the Cape. Please try not to feel desperate (at least not that he can see). It sounds to me like this is just a vicious little game for him ("..."games, Jake, silly, torturous games " Sixteen Candles).

    I wouldn't call him. I wouldn't try to justify your feelings anymore. If there happens to be a conversation, say "I've voiced my concern and you had absolutely no respect for me or my feelings and that speaks volumes about you as a person, and not in a good way". I'd leave it at that.

    He's an ass and he sounds like the type of person who, if things do work out with you both, he'd hold this over your head every time he wanted to do something not cool.

    Posted by Terri June 18, 09 08:01 AM
  1. You can't help the way other people are, and you can't change them. Drop this guy and find somebody who respects you.

    Posted by Nobody changes June 18, 09 08:17 AM
  1. TNTBJ- Thank you for the non-update, update. I'd like to say I can't believe that he still hasn't called you, but I'm really not. That goes to prove everyone's point. I'm sorry. I really hope you continue to let us know how things go when (or if) you ever hear from him. I don't know if you've already tried to contact him as you said you would last tonight, but I hope you don't. I know you want closure, you want a "reason", and believe me I'm sure all of us want to hear what lame excuse he can come up with this time, but coming from someone who spent 3 years too many with a manipulative man who constantly made me out to be the "bad guy" even up until the breakup when he still tried to act the martyr- it's not worth your time. Yes, you have more than plenty of time left in your life, but spending another minute or hour listening to this jerk will not make it any easier in the future. So, please, cut your losses now. If you feel the need to contact him again, simply email him the link to your Love Letter with all our responses. That's it. He told you to do it, you did it, (we're all hoping) you saw through his blame-game charade, and be done with him. Then go out with some girlfriends and have fun!

    Posted by Skyler June 18, 09 08:18 AM
  1. From the moment he said he was going to the Cape with another girl, he was sending you a message very loud and clear and you need to listen to it. Rip him off like a band-aid and find someone else who is worth your time and attention. If he wanted to break up with you, he should have just been up front with you instead of playing this stupid, immature game, but it is what it is. He was too spineless to be a man about it, but now you need to (wo)man up and cut him loose. Keep your dignity and be done with him.

    Posted by bumbly-bee June 18, 09 08:27 AM
  1. WHY IN THE WORLD WOULD YOU CALL HIM??? Do you have even 1 shred of self-respect for yourself??? Please do not be such a pathetic, desperate woman!!

    Posted by Anonymous June 18, 09 08:41 AM
  1. WHY IN THE WORLD WOULD YOU CALL HIM??? Do you have even 1 shred of self-respect for yourself??? Please do not be such a pathetic, desperate woman!!

    Posted by Anonymous June 18, 09 08:41 AM
  1. He's just not that into you. Don't waste the pretty - don't call him. I know it hurts, I know it sucks, but don't give him the satisfaction of knowing he hurt you. Let him be someone else's problem. Don't spend anymore time thinking about someone who doesn't want to spend time with you - I don't know you, but I can tell you that you deserve better than this. You are fabulous, caring, wonderful and gorgeous - give those amazing quualities to someone who is worthy of them, who is worthy of you and who will spend his time appreciating them and you!!!

    Posted by Bubba June 18, 09 08:44 AM
  1. Forget him. Do not speak to him. When you look back on this, you will know that he did you a favor. Right now, it is important to note that no one thinks this is okay and pretty much everyone thinks he is cheating. He put you on the defensive by getting angry. Take that away from him by refusing to ever talk to him again, unless he comes asking and then just to tell him to shove off.
    With the benefit of many more years than you, I can tell you that it NEVER works out well when you chase after a guy who has done something like this. Time to move on to someone better (pretty much anyone)

    Posted by JB June 18, 09 08:50 AM
  1. Wow! I've had this exact same thing happen to me. He was livid with my lack of trust and understanding about what "love really was." Ends up he was mad I caught him cheating and finally questioned it. He was mad that his piggish lifestyle was going to change. He had an older woman who always had money to pick up the tab, had a nice condo, went places, ate off plates and drank from a glass vs. his college "friend". Don't make the same mistake I did. I called him after he deliberately hurt me to go away for a weekend with a "friend." I regret calling him. Don't do it. He's made it perfectly clear. He doesn't care about you (I know it hurts, but its true). No matter what he says. He did something he knew was not sitting right with you. He gave the immature "go ahead ask anybody" line and stomped away to manipulate you so you would be there when he got back. He doesn't deserve your time. DO NOT CALL HIM. If he calls you (which he will in a few weeks) tell him to get lost. Down the road when you have an adult relationship and the man really loves you, you will see (like I did), that someone who really loves you, respects you and is invested in the relationship, would never do this to you, say these things or deliverately do something that was hurtful. In adult relationships,, even the things that seem trivial for one partner to get all mad over, makes the other stop and evaluate their actions and have a discussion. He is a n idiot. I cannot stress enough: DO NOT CALL HIM. It will be empowering to dump this guy. Trust me.

    Posted by MaeZ June 18, 09 08:54 AM
  1. Take yourself out of this story and pretend you are reading it about one of your friends. Objectivity can shed light on the things we don't want to see or can't see when we are the main characters in the story. You are in this "relationship", and so you want to justify this cad's actions and make them square up with your version of reality. But really, sweetness, you deserve a real partner. He ain't it.

    Check out the Margarita recipes in today's Globe (I personally like the fresh watermelon idea), call up some GF's and have a grand adios fiesta!

    Posted by BananaSeatBike June 18, 09 08:57 AM

    It's what guys do (I'm not saying all but fess up, you do it, but us ladies will do it too, but I think guys have a better knack at it) when they don't want what's really going on to be brought to light. He's deflecting what he's really done (be an idiot and take another girl down the Cape) and making YOU feel bad for it by saying he's angry that you are like hey now, wait a minute (as any normal human being would do).

    This happens not in relationships, but at work too. I'm in HR and I LOVE watching situations play out when people are trying to deflect stuff off themselves and put the blame into someone else's camp, which confuses the parties involves and you get distracted from the original situation. Right now he is trying to distract you from the original issue and make you feel bad and question your own judgement.

    He's an A HOLE & doesn't deserve you when he comes begging for forgiveness when the Texas chippy flies back home. Stand strong and look for someone who REALLY appreciates you. Sometimes us women take a little bit longer to come to the actual truth in a situation (that he IS in fact a total dud), so learn from our mistakes and just get it over with fast and be glad you aren't living with him so you can maintain your independence and keep your distance from this rotten tomato.

    Posted by the7thstranger June 18, 09 09:00 AM
  1. The writing is on the wall - the data are in - the readers have spoken. Cut your losses.

    As difficult as it may be to accept, looks like it's time to move on. I think you should focus on taking care of yourself instead of focusing on what he is going to do next. Your self-esteem is being sucked away by the minute, no?

    If you don't think you deserve better, no one else will. If I were you I would devote some thought to that. I bet you can do better.

    Best of luck

    Posted by Ava June 18, 09 09:04 AM
  1. Your boyfriend cheated on you. He is trying to turn it around on you. Forget him. Plenty of fish out there, you just have load up your tackle box, stock up on bait, and cast out your line.

    Move on, and get rid of this piece of garbage.

    Posted by Chico June 18, 09 09:09 AM
  1. He's a parasite who found a new host and is getting what he wants. He doesn't want his fun ruined by your broken heart, and he's not interested in healthy closure. Don't give him the chance to play you again, especially if he comes slithering back when she doesn't want to be his mommy and take care of him.

    He's treated you like garbage, and you're definitely a victim of his lowlife behavior. Please don't volunteer for further trashing.

    If you really need to do something, send him the link to our responses to your original post and to this one. Let us tell him for you.

    Posted by yupokay June 18, 09 09:12 AM
  1. Livid and Onions-
    The guy learned to ply his trade from his complicit parents who sheltered and fed the little Tramp from Texas. This should give you a peek into the deceitfulness that runs rampant in his family. Time to find yourself a man...not a boy. It's an experience you will relish because it will open you up to true happiness and will bestow upon you the wisdom to relay to your beautiful kids one day.

    Posted by valentino June 18, 09 09:13 AM
  1. You sound like a nice, normal girl, and you deserve better. And he certainly doesn't deserve you. Don't waste a minute more of your time. I am guessing that calling him would give you at least a sense of closure to the "relationship", but spare yourself the added hurt and frustration. I can't write the names I would like to call this guy. the only place you should see him is in your rearview mirror.

    Posted by cookiecake June 18, 09 09:13 AM
  1. He's moved on. Your turn to do the same. He's too young for you (and I don't mean in years, but he's still in the student phase of going from girl to girl and grabbing for everything he can get.)

    Don't call him, don't contact him. Just keep moving on!

    Posted by delilah June 18, 09 09:17 AM
  1. Astonishing. "I'm not the problem, you are. Ask anyone!" is a message I've heard myself in the past. What's sad is how often we end up swallowing it, and doubting ourselves, when CLEARLY the guy is, as so eloquently put above, a diminutive Richard. (Love that).

    Which does not mean it will be easy for you to let go. Easy for all here to so casually cry "dump him." Much, much harder to do if your heart is involved.

    But you know you must. ASAP

    Good luck

    Posted by lisalisa June 18, 09 09:17 AM
  1. He'll come crawling back when she heads back to Texas and he's alone and has "had time to think about what he did to you". Puh-lease! What a loser, kick that chump to the curb.

    It's summer time! Go out, have fun, meet people, forget about him!!!!

    Posted by Boogaloo78 June 18, 09 09:20 AM
  1. Never talk to him again, you've been dumped and if he at all contacts you, ignore it. He would only be using you ( again) like he just was.
    You sound great, go out and find a man that's worth it!
    Good Luck!

    Posted by bevumass June 18, 09 09:22 AM
  1. This is directed to the (about to be ex) boyfriend:

    Dude, grow the F--- up. Quit lying and just be honest about what you want. You're hurting other people.

    Posted by LynahFaithful June 18, 09 09:29 AM
  1. Consider this from an outsider's point of view. I recommend that you re-read both of your posts from a different point of view. Imagine that one of your best girlfriends or sister called and said she'd posted a question on boston.com and wanted your opinion. Imagine a guy treating one of your best female friends that way. What would you want her to do? How angry would you be at him for treating your friend that way? What would you think that your friend deserved? Sometimes if we step back and look at the situation from a slight distance, it gives us an opportunity to see how we really should be treated and how we really should act. IMHO you deserve better and he deserves nothing.

    Posted by merilisa June 18, 09 09:30 AM
  1. TNTBJ:

    A quick word of advice. At this point, you may be letting the bf manipulate you. If you refuse to stand up for yourself, you are giving him permission to treat you badly, to lie, to get angry, to shut you off, etc. If you want respect, you have to act with self-respect.

    That means -- stop giving him the power to manipulate you. Why are you waiting by the phone? Why are you fretting so much about someone who has shown his true colors to be selfish, lying, and faithless?

    He will admit nothing, you will get no closure, there will be no "Oh honey you were right all along" and no admission from him. He sounds like a master manipulator, and you have become his victim. Stand up for yourself.

    Posted by jlen June 18, 09 09:31 AM
  1. I think you deserve better than this!

    Posted by ANON June 18, 09 09:31 AM
  1. I was hoping you'd write back with an update. I know it's hard, and i know you want to talk to him because you need CLOSURE. If he doesn't pick up when you call him, simply leave him a voicemail and say all you need to say to feel better, but PLEASE don't allow him to keep lying to you or try to explain himself. Tell him that he's an immature jerk, and you hope to never see or hear from him again, EVER! You deserve better!

    Posted by voiceofreason June 18, 09 09:34 AM
  1. I have to go with the majority. Forget about him. Go out, have fun, meet other people etc. And when he calls you, believe me he will b/c he'll realize what he had, you can say "Sorry that ship sailed eons ago". And might I add, do it now; especially while he's on this trip b/c if he by some strang occurence he tries to call while away you won't be there to pick up and he can wonder why you're not answering; even if you're at home near the phone; if it's him ignore it. Let him do the sweating and wondering for once.

    Posted by Raynee01 June 18, 09 09:35 AM
  1. Don't call him, you will only sound desperate. He is an insolent child, and the only recourse is "Active Ignore". Let him call you if he wants his belongings back, then emotionally disembowel him.

    Posted by DudeGuyKidDudeGuy666 June 18, 09 09:35 AM
  1. I agree with the other commenters that you have, effectively, been dumped. He may not be man enough to say the words, but that's exactly what he's done.

    I do think it would do you serious good in future relationships to really do some soul-searching about why you allowed this person to treat you with such little regard for so long and just kept going back for more. There are so many red flags and suspicious behaviors you ignored, and even now, when you know for a fact he's being a dog, you insist on contacting him and can't commit to giving him the boot. You need to learn how to take control of your relationships, not simply let them happen to you. Seek therapy, read some books, talk to friends, whatever you need to do - but do some work on yourself before pursuing other relationships.

    Posted by Rae June 18, 09 09:35 AM
  1. TNTBJ, the second round of comments share something in common with the first - they are unanimous that you shouldn't contact this fool. He is beneath your contempt and no good will come of any further communication from you. He's got himself worked into some form of "righteous anger" and further word from you will only exacerbate it. I agree with the OVER 300 SUPPORTIVE MESSAGES you have received on this blog and the net net is 1) you are the adult and he is the child/brat, 2) you are far above this guy in all respects, 3) you are so lucky that he showed his true colors before he wasted any more of your time and, 4) when Miss Texas bee-atch kicks him to the curb and he comes back to you, don't even answer the phone. Do you have anything of his in your place? I'm thinking Fourth of July bonfire. Oh, and that post from "saddened"? What a pathetic loser - he's probably one of your ex BF's immature friends. Stay strong, have a good weekend, and go something fun.

    Posted by J Bar June 18, 09 09:37 AM
  1. Thanks for updating, I know we were all very anxious to hear from you. Now that I know I find it incredibly disturbing, especially since you were never invited to go along, and he thinks that it is normal for a guy to do this. He seriously said "ask anyone"??? And now I beg of you, PLEASE do not try to call him! He is not worth your time and effort! Cut off all contact with this moron, I know it will be hard but keeping your dignity is better for you in the long run.

    Posted by KMB June 18, 09 09:38 AM
  1. Thanks so much for the follow-up, I know we've been all hoping for it.
    Personally, I'm not the type of person that could just walk away and never speak to him again (I'd probably end up calling), but maybe CambridgeDay is right...wait for him to call. Chances are he will, probably as soon as Texas is back home. If he doesn't, mail him his stuff (if you have any) along with the printed out blog and all our responses!
    Then come drink with us when M arranges the LL social.

    Posted by gigi June 18, 09 09:41 AM
  1. Boy I hope you told him to take a hike......The sad thing is that this girl will go back to wherever she visited from and you'll be stroked into believing that nothing happend and you were over reacting....so many good girls out there that just allow themselves to be walked on....find a good guy...there are plenty of us. Good luck.

    Posted by cappy68 June 18, 09 09:42 AM
  1. I realize you love this guy but honestly the fact is he's moved on and he's ticked at you for calling him out on in because he wanted to be the one to decide. He thought he was in control of you and you proved him wrong. Now he's going to IGNORE you...he's a self centered jerk. He's just keeping you because she's so far away. No woman travels that far and spends that kind of money unless she's getting something she wants. Ridiculous - they deserve each other.

    Posted by idontgivacrp June 18, 09 09:47 AM
  1. What really kills me is HE is "livid" at YOU????
    That's SO PATHETIC it's laughable.

    Posted by Shecky28 June 18, 09 09:52 AM
  1. I don't know why is so unanimous in the comments section, I think you need to give this guy another shot. Maybe all this was a giant setup for him to propose to you? Imagine that... him emerging from the darkness with this girl, and all of his other colleagues to boot, in a pre-arranged dance number with canes and top hats... horn section blaring some up-tempo number... rose petals raining down through the breeze from the heavens...

    ...Or, in case that doesn't happen as the other readers have suggested, you could just do what everyone else does and put suggestive pictures of yourself on a social networking site, befriend some random friend of a friend of a friend of a guy the next town over, whom you've never met, and meet him at an Applebee's nearby, have your blooming onion appetizer and three sour apple martinis, and before long you'll be consummating your relationship among bags of yard trimmings in the bed of his pickup.

    ...Or, since I trust you are a classier person than that (albeit somewhat naive), you can do the old "go to the grocery store and pick out guys you find attractive and accidentally drop a gallon of milk on their foot." Sure, the store manager might be a little beffudled as to why you've ruined 7 or 8 gallons of milk over a 3 hour period in his/her store, but odds are you'll find 7 or 8 better people than this previous dude in those 3 hours.

    Posted by Dr. Skidabbles June 18, 09 10:05 AM
  1. Do not call him under any circumstances. He's "livid"? He wants to be angry so that he can put the blame on you. Having any communication with him is going to add fuel to the fire and make him angrier, which will only justify what's going on his twisted and immature mind.

    I think this is beyond fixing, and clearly he's not interested in that.

    Posted by Benny's Mom June 18, 09 10:07 AM
  1. TNTBJ - please....... give yourself a whole minute to say goodbye to him in your head, andthen let him go. Do not call him. He has made it clear where he stands, and what you mean to him - and it is very unfortunately not what you wanted, or believed.
    I would echo the above comment that no one shoul dhave shown you such a lack of respect - but also that you need to show yourself some self-respect first as well. You are better than this.
    In these days as well, an STD test might not be a bad idea....... I hate to even say that, but frankly I don't believe he has been faithful to you for a while....

    Posted by Jeff June 18, 09 10:08 AM
  1. Rico?

    Posted by maggie June 18, 09 10:09 AM
  1. From TNTBJ:
    Thanks Meredith for posting my "update", even though there wasn't much to it.
    On the advice of a friend, I resisted contacting him last night so I still have nothing to report (not surprisingly, he has not contacted me). Unfortunately I am probably feeling more depressed, upset, and lonely than I can remember in a long time.

    I am OK with the concept that he is not "The One." I was never truly convinced that he was. But I am still so utterly hurt by the way all of this has occurred - I can't stop thinking about it, every 5 minutes some small thing will remind me of him, and I miss him terribly right now, even though he has been a jerk to me. I know, it sounds ridiculous and yes I do need a dose of self-esteem boosting, I suppose. Its not even that I want him back, its more that I'm incredulous that all the great things we've shared are suddenly gone - I guess I'm not ready for that.

    Thanks everyone for your wise words of advice - I agree that this is probably a blessing in disguise, and a way out from something that was never going to turn out positively in the end, so perhaps I will look back on this months or years from now with relief. And your suggestions to pay attention to myself and not put up with this behavior has put a smile on my face!

    The good thing is, I am going away for the weekend (with family, not some guy! ;) so hopefully that will take my mind off things. In the meantime, when I get back I am considering just dropping off the bag of his stuff that's still in my apartment if I don't hear from him.

    Thanks again everyone, and I will keep you posted if something actually happens.

    Posted by TNTBJ now Heartbroken June 18, 09 10:12 AM
  1. Why are you punishing yourself by continuing to hold out hope for this guy when he's obviously not that into you? Move on. By hanging onto this guy, you're depriving other gentlemen of the opportunity to treat you with caring and respect.

    Posted by bosfiddle June 18, 09 10:12 AM
  1. I agree with mccamp and the other posters...DON'T call him. You will just be giving him an opportunity to manipulate you further. Obviously you have a weakness for him (understanbaly) and he knows you well enough to know how to push your buttons.
    Instead, do this to get closure...box up all of the things he may have left at your place. Print out a copy of this column and the responses and put it in the box with a note telling him to never contact you again. Mail it to his apartment.
    Then go to the salon and get a makeover. Try a new haircolor or style. Take a vacation by yourself or with a friend. Have a little fun and get over him. He is not worth waiting by the phone for. If you ask me, he is emotionally abusive and I feel sorry for any woman he may get into a relationship with.

    Posted by bellyb June 18, 09 10:17 AM
  1. Please don't call him! He's a coward if he can't be straight with you about the cape weekend. His behavior is the problem but now he's making YOU the problem. A mature man would never behave the way this clown has. Please keep your self respect and DON"T CALL HIM!

    Posted by Kitty Rose June 18, 09 10:18 AM
  1. # 16, K- YOU ARE EXACTLY RIGHT! Those two would be perfect for each other! They are both in their 30's, looking to settle down, hurt by younger partners and in need of some stability.

    Meredith- You have both of their e-mail addresses, you really should set them up, then have them write in. It would be completely voyeuristic and creepy, but as long as I'm hiding behind this avatar I am safe from harm.

    It would seriously be a match made in heaven.

    Posted by Kate June 18, 09 10:20 AM
  1. Rico?

    Posted by maggie June 18, 09 10:22 AM
  1. i cant wait for you to meet a great guy that is so wonderful this child like JERK and his weak behavior is laughable.

    Hopefully this guy will grow up someday, and when he does, he is going to feel TERRIBLE about how he treated you. And if he doesnt - then god help the woman he ends up with, she is in for a bumpy ride.

    Posted by blahblahblah June 18, 09 10:23 AM
  1. Hey, I'm glad you got back about this.

    Like everyone else I'd say good bye. Don't call it will only give him a foot in again. It hurts but in the long run let him go. It will be faster and less painful overall. Have a good vacation with your family and lick your wounds for a little while. Mostly do something or many things for yourself w/ friends or by yourself. Worry about you, if he tries to contact you(I suspect he will) ignore or answer and say we're done and hang up. No explanation. He'll keep you on a chain if you let him. Remember you have control, so don't be afraid to take it. You'll be glad you did in the long run.

    There are better guys out there. Good luck.

    Posted by saybyetohim June 18, 09 10:26 AM
  1. DO NOT call him!!! He should be calling you trying to save your relationship if it is important to him. He knows you're angry and hurt. If he doesn't care enough first of all not to go through with it and then not to contact you at all, then forget him. Move on...he isn't worth it in the first place.

    Posted by Deb June 18, 09 10:29 AM
  1. He's livid. Must be going with the old "a great defense is a good offense" school of thought. Well played by him.

    Maybe you should learn a thing or two from him and stop calling him. Why on earth you would need to talk to him to sort anything out at this point is beyond me. Leave him in the dust while you still have your dignity.

    Posted by Blaze June 18, 09 10:32 AM
  1. The "ask anyone" line has some interesting implications. "Tell anyone" may not be far behind: come on, what school and department? There's nothing more annoying than having your failed love life plastered all over a city-wide paper.

    Posted by anonymous June 18, 09 10:32 AM
  1. HE is livid with you because it was a planned reaction. He knew this would be the catalyst to getting you to take the offensive and letting he off the guilt trip of breaking up with you. So, alot of this is true manipulation.

    Anyway, I would get ready to accept what is truly happening here. As part of that, I would take a drive in a borrowed car and spy - just to ensure that your suspicions were correct. Then, decidedly, do not have any further contact with this guy and don't allow his manipulation play itself out into making you react any further. It's not worth it.

    Posted by big hat June 18, 09 10:33 AM
  1. He said, "Ask anyone," not "Ask EVERYONE."

    Puuuhleeeeaaazzze stop updating us.

    Posted by chuckx June 18, 09 10:37 AM
  1. Everyone is right. You should just let it go. But revenge is nice too. Hook up with his brother or his best friend and make sure he finds out about it. Guys like him, especially, can't help getting pissed about stuff like that.

    Posted by CPThree June 18, 09 10:38 AM
  1. TNTBJ now Heartbroken:
    I am so so sorry for what he has done to you. I went through almost the exact same thing with my bf of 3 years a while ago. We were so good together and I truly believed he loved me, and I never understood why he would treat me like that. Looking back, I realize there were multiple times he was probably cheating on me and I just didn't want to accept that fact and dump him. He always had a reason, an excuse, and would become livid with me if I dared question him. Congratulations to you that you won't be wasting the time that I did. There are good things that came of it (for me): 1) I can now spot a liar/cheat a mile away, and would never put up with being treated like that again and 2) when I did meet the wonderful man who is now my husband, I realized immediately what a good person he was and I don’t ever take that for granted. It was really hard in the beginning, because I missed him and couldn’t believe he had treated me so badly, but now looking back on it, I accept the lessons I learned from that time and have moved on. He, on the other hand, is still single and cheating, and mostly miserable in his life. Good luck, have fun with your family this weekend, and know that you deserve better.

    Posted by Emily June 18, 09 10:40 AM
  1. TNTBJ/Heartbroken,
    The best professional help you can buy is in the shoe department at Lord & Taylor. I'll probably see you there.
    Stay strong sweetie. We're all routing for your quick recovery.

    Posted by Sally June 18, 09 10:49 AM
  1. I have to agree, this is a classic man-child. He's not capable of anything more than you're getting. He's a wus looking for a way out without actually confronting you and telling you what he needs. Instead, he passive agressively makes you find fault with him so he can blame it all on you and make a clean getaway (oh, she has control and jelousy issues, he'll say). Let me give you a piece of good advice... lose his number and any memory of it.

    Posted by hippydippy June 18, 09 10:52 AM
  1. Rico's here, and he's ready to dispense his wisdom upon the masses...

    So here goes:

    Rico thinks he pretty much said all there needed to be said the other day. Rico knew you were being played like a Strataverious and he told you so. Rico thinks you need to walk (RUN) away from this guy, don't call him or return his calls or emails etc... Regardless of whether he bumped uglies with the texas chickie it is unacceptable to treat someone in the manner he treated you. The guy from the other day is not a match for you either, Rico just has a gut feeling on that, he's too whiny and needy for a girl like you. Rico has seen this before and surely will see it again, hopefully not from you. Learned your lesson? Love is a difficult yet wonderful thing, there will be others. Go out with friends, family, join clubs/organizations and meet new and better people in your life. Sorry, not to be mean but keep them closer to your age as well. OK Demi? Sorry, Rico thought he was funny.

    Rico is curious to hear how you will move on, whether you take the road to greener (get it...GREENER like biking, running etc...) or whether you'll stoop to his level. Walk away, if writing a letter or an email makes you feel better then go ahead and do it but rip it up or delete it before sending it. OK?

    Rico is off for the rest of the day to relax, maybe check in later.

    Love always,


    On to Greener pastures :)

    Posted by Rico June 18, 09 10:52 AM
  1. I understand your pain and think that what you need is a way to feel empowered again; something that makes you feel that you have options as to the way this concludes. I agree: don't call him. And my first thought was to just throw his stuff away. But I also like bellyb's idea of boxing it up with this column and a note saying good-bye. I am just concerned that you may meet him in the process and that is not a good idea. The question at this point isn't about getting him out of your life; it's about how to get him out of your head and heart. Find the way that works for you and then you'll be able to really move on.You rightfully feel that you've been mistreated and you need to get your power back. You can do it! And however you do it, I hope you include this column. He needs to look at himself and how others see his actions. Best to you!!!

    Posted by Elaine June 18, 09 10:52 AM
  1. TNTBJ - I agree with many of the others - please do not call him - except to perhaps formally dump him, and get some closure and move on. You deserve better, and there are much better guys out there. Huge hugs to you, and I hope you can move on and up out of that mess soon.

    Posted by veggirl June 18, 09 10:58 AM
  1. Listen, you are kinda in denial right now and I can relate, but DONT drop off his stuff to him!!! Forget about it! He obviously doesn't care enough about the stuff (or you) to come get it!!!! DONT contact him regarding the stuff. Do not drive by his house with the stuff in order to "accidentally" run into him.

    If you MUST do something, pack his sh*t up in a bag, drive by his house, and FLING IT out the window of your car onto his sidewalk. That would be totally bad ass. !!

    Posted by darla June 18, 09 10:59 AM
  1. So here's what you do: Tell your best girlfriends and guyfriends that its time for a dance night. Then get a mani/pedi. Got to the MAC counter at Macy's and have one of the makeup consultants do you up. Buy the things that make you feel good. Put on the outfit (or buy the outfit) that makes you feel the most confident and beautiful and smart and sexy and sassy. Get a mani/pedi. Put on those strappy sandals. Go to your favorite bar, the one where the bartender always calls you beautiful and knows exactly how you like your martini. (If you don't have one, I suggest Silvertone, their bartenders are always good for smile and a great drink) Have one or two, maybe an appetizer to keep you upright. Then go to the cheesiest dance club. I mean cheesy, not hip, but cheesy. Like the Liquor Store. Ride the bull, swing around the stripper pole. Its pretty much a guarantee that if you are with friends you will have a good time. Some guy with way too much cologne on is going to hit on you, you won't find him attractive, but hey, nothing's wrong with a little dancing between strangers. Go back to your friends, say its time to go, you've had your ego stroked, you were able to say no to someone who wanted you. Kind of cathartic, eh? Go to someplace that serves food late, get a pile of food with friends and joke about how long you stayed on the bull, how cute that bartender at the bar is, get in a cab, go home, alone but smiling because you now realize that you are fun and pretty and smart and damn, your ass looks good in those jeans.

    Posted by sibdee June 18, 09 11:01 AM
  1. So here's what you do: Tell your best girlfriends and guyfriends that its time for a dance night. Then get a mani/pedi. Got to the MAC counter at Macy's and have one of the makeup consultants do you up. Buy the things that make you feel good. Put on the outfit (or buy the outfit) that makes you feel the most confident and beautiful and smart and sexy and sassy. Get a mani/pedi. Put on those strappy sandals. Go to your favorite bar, the one where the bartender always calls you beautiful and knows exactly how you like your martini. (If you don't have one, I suggest Silvertone, their bartenders are always good for smile and a great drink) Have one or two, maybe an appetizer to keep you upright. Then go to the cheesiest dance club. I mean cheesy, not hip, but cheesy. Like the Liquor Store. Ride the bull, swing around the stripper pole. Its pretty much a guarantee that if you are with friends you will have a good time. Some guy with way too much cologne on is going to hit on you, you won't find him attractive, but hey, nothing's wrong with a little dancing between strangers. Go back to your friends, say its time to go, you've had your ego stroked, you were able to say no to someone who wanted you. Kind of cathartic, eh? Go to someplace that serves food late, get a pile of food with friends and joke about how long you stayed on the bull, how cute that bartender at the bar is, get in a cab, go home, alone but smiling because you now realize that you are fun and pretty and smart and damn, your ass looks good in those jeans.

    Posted by sibdee June 18, 09 11:02 AM
  1. TNTBJ,

    GOOD FOR YOU FOR NOT CONTACTING HIM! There is no need to do that to yourself right now.

    People would be asking a lot if they told you to forget him right away, but most have not said that, they have said to move on. That is what you are doing - Part of moving on is grieving.

    Its okay to be heartbroken, and its okay that little things will remind you of him. That is part of the process.

    I'm sorry this guy was such a jerk, but there are better out there. MUCH better.

    Give yourself some time to get over this relationship and when the time is right, you will find yourself in a better relationship with someone more appropriate for you.

    And if you really feel like you must return anything he left over at your place, MAIL his things to him...even if he is only a few blocks away....or you can just toss it all out. (I'm also partial to the July 4th Bonfire idea.).

    Posted by snitchy and krachy June 18, 09 11:07 AM
  1. I agree with one of the comments. I think you mistook a relationship of convenience as a committed one. There were signs, such as he didn't introduce his friends to you, that you chose to ignore. You were never allowed in his world. Don't get fooled by his inviting you to family gatherings. There could be various reasons for that.

    He may have you back. Few man refuse a woman, particularly if she insists. But it will be just like before and you will be wasting your precious time. A better choice will be to have your dignity back and move on. There are men out there, if you are willing to look beyond the younger twenty-somethings.

    Posted by RealityCheck June 18, 09 11:10 AM
  1. Congratulations on not calling him. That should make you feel wonderful. Really, it is a very bright spot. Keep not calling him. Everytime you keep yourself from reaching for that phone, you win just a little bit. And those little wins will add up. And as for his stuff, pack it up and put it in the dumpster, give it away on Freecycle, sell it on Ebay, take it to Goodwill, whatever. But do not deliver it to him. Ever. Under any circumstances. When he comes back around, which he will, do not take the call. Do not return the call or email or text or what have you. If he stops by unannounced, do not let him in. He is a bad bad person. Protect yourself, respect yourself. Go splurge on something nice for yourself and enjoy your friends and family!

    Posted by cindylouwho June 18, 09 11:15 AM
  1. Good for you for not calling!! yes it HURTS right now, and yes you do miss him, but you seem to have a good head on your shoulders. Go away and enjoy your weekend. And oh... NO need to drop off his stuff when you get back. If the stuff is so important he will come get it. Right? He has to call/contact you if he wants his stuff. You are under no obligation to drop it off. Good luck! Keep that smile on and in a few months, you will wonder what you saw in him.

    Posted by chins June 18, 09 11:25 AM
  1. Meredith, Tntbj, don't you have something better to do, than posting this nonsense
    stuff. Go get a life.

    Posted by getting nowhere from this June 18, 09 11:26 AM
  1. This guy sounds like one of those people who will kick you hard in the head and then complain that your head hurt his foot. Do not call him; do not take his calls. It is over. Book yourself a nice long massage and be thankful you got rid of this guy before divorce papers or custody battles entered into the picture!

    Posted by You Deserve Better June 18, 09 11:29 AM
  1. Oh hunny please, please, please do not call this guy. He does NOT deserve your time. Buy a new outfit, go out with your girlfriends, meet new guys; there are plenty out there! And down the road when he calls/texts/emails (which he will on some lonely night when this younger girl has left him for something better) you will have the satisfaction of knowing he knows he missed out and by then you will have already moved on to better things. Trust me GF, your best revenge is to walk away with your head held high, even if you don't feel that way, act it!

    Posted by Kathleen June 18, 09 11:41 AM
  1. Wow. Now I see why many of the people on this board don't see eye to eye with me. They think that a solution to what ails you is a shopping trip or a revenge play. What you need is simple:


    Call them up, ask them over, go out with them. In a matter of days, you will forget this ever happened, because good friends reflect the things about yourself that you should be proud of. A failed relationship only highlights the things you're not proud of. And once you've spent a couple weeks with your friends, take a long look back and you'll see where your "relationship" really went wrong, because that happened long before the trip to the Cape.

    Posted by Andrew June 18, 09 11:43 AM
  1. Honey, take a not-so-subtle hint...he's done with you. Get over it, get over him, do NOT contact him, you're better off without him...he's obviously over you and since moved on. Not meaning to hurt your feelings but I think you're smarter than this. Go out, meet lots of men, have lots of fun...this was all a bad dream. Good luck in your future endeavors and please, please, please do NOT be so naive and blind to the ways of men.

    Posted by BosGal June 18, 09 11:46 AM
  1. I would call him long enough to tell him its over and you never want to see him again. Then I'd never take his phone calls or respond to any of his emails or speak to him if you ran into him in public. No discussion, no promises, no nothing. Its over, he blew it. There are hundreds of great guys out there that would be thrilled to have you for a girlfriend. Go find one and leave the looser behind.

    Posted by Yoshimi June 18, 09 11:48 AM
  1. Wow... OK so not only is he trying to force you to break it off, he is pretending to be outraged by you questioning his motives. What a scheme! A normal mind does not work like this... he has no spine and is cruel to boot.

    To #121, talk about getting a life... you went out of your way to navigate the thread and make the comment.

    Posted by DMac June 18, 09 11:52 AM
  1. All I want to add to the torrent of comments telling you to dump this immature, dishonest man, is that you are right now and will continue to be in pain for at least a little while. It's easy to say have a massage and forget the jerk, but painful to do, since there are positive points to him and you know them while we don't.
    Please do end your contact with him, accept that you need to grieve, but begin to look forward to living your life and hopefully with more happy experiences and people who will treat you well.

    Posted by elle June 18, 09 11:56 AM
  1. Do not call the creep and take the bag of his stuff and donate it to a homeless shelter or good will! Enjoy your weekend with your family you deserve it!!

    Posted by nantucketsun June 18, 09 11:57 AM
  1. post his pic and a short description on dontdatehim.com. immature, but seriously, women everywhere need to be warned of this a-hole.

    Posted by dont waste your breath telling him off June 18, 09 12:00 PM
  1. In TNTBJ's defense, when you said you were going to "contact him", was it because you wanted to know you tried one last time? Because you know the inevitable breakup is waiting?

    Posted by LC June 18, 09 12:18 PM
  1. My heart goes out to you. This is one of the many tricks my best friend's ex pulled on her. It is his way of treating you soooo badly that he forces your hand to do the dirty work of the break-up, and he can continue to be Mr. Nice Guy and let everyone know what a bad person you were and how he just had to get away. After all, you didn't trust him, didn't like his female friends, called him constantly, etc. well, you gey the picture. You are NOT that person that he is making you out to be. My friend is still having trouble getting over her ex 3 years later. She thought that what they had was special. Sound familiar?. Move on. It might take time, but you WILL be better for it.

    Posted by Nada June 18, 09 12:20 PM
  1. I just don't understand why you keep doing this to yourself???? You really just need to move on.

    Posted by Anon in Cambridge June 18, 09 12:31 PM
  1. Seriously you and the pot smokers BF should hook up. Sorry to be so blunt (ha ha another obscure pot reference, it just doesn’t stop being funny (read FJR from today)) its over baby. Unless it was an absolute friend that you have already been around in the past and you know better then really its over. Its summer time go have some fun.

    Posted by F June 18, 09 12:35 PM
  1. Seriously you and the pot smokers BF should hook up. Sorry to be so blunt (ha ha another obscure pot reference, it just doesn’t stop being funny (read FJR from today)) its over baby. Unless it was an absolute friend that you have already been around in the past and you know better then really its over. Its summer time go have some fun.

    Posted by F June 18, 09 12:37 PM
  1. DO NOT ** REPEAT ** DO NOT DROP OFF HIS STUFF!!! You know deep down it is to have an encounter with him. Pack up his stuff and put it in a closet. Give yourself one month, one month where YOU do not initiate contact. He is a grown man, he wants it....HE CAN CALL YOU! Take this weekend and really take stock into yourself. Absolutely look at this is your best friend or sister was going thru it. This guy has been such a sleeze bag to you. He doesn't even deserve you dropping off clothing, texting messages, calling him...NOTHING... IGNORE HIM. There is no such thing as closure. the reality is...HE DOESN:T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT HOW YOU FEEL AND HE DOESN't RESPECT YOU. I get it, he was nice and you had great times. Doesn't matter in the end.. he went off on a weekend with another woman AND TOLD YOU!!!! You think you will impact him somehow as if you showing your pain will somehow show you that he really cares or
    there will be some rational reason for this...There isn't. He is a scumbag who acted nicely to you in the past b/c you filled a need for him. You no longer do and he no longer is that person. the mask is OFF. Again, work on yourself so you can be ready for a wonderful person. the most attractive thing in a person is their self respect and confidence. Everyone feels a little insecure but love yourself first. Stop wasting your energy on a loser.

    Posted by Lisa June 18, 09 12:40 PM
  1. Good job on not calling. Don't call him or contact him. It'll drive him nuts trying to figure out why you haven't, I guarantee it. Don't drop off his stuff -- chuck it into the smelliest dumpster you can find. Miss Texas is probably still in town, and you really don't want to give the two of them talking about you after you leave (they will, too). He's a spineless, ball-less jackass. Move on, even if you don't start dating right away. Go out, have fun. Good luck.

    Posted by DT June 18, 09 12:41 PM
  1. He's found something better to hit. You need to move on.

    Posted by Mansfield Dude June 18, 09 12:41 PM
  1. Good job on not calling. Don't call him or contact him. It'll drive him nuts trying to figure out why you haven't, I guarantee it. Don't drop off his stuff -- chuck it into the smelliest dumpster you can find. Miss Texas is probably still in town, and you really don't want to give the two of them any reason to discuss you after you leave (they will, too). He's a spineless, ball-less jackass. Move on, even if you don't start dating right away. Go out, have fun. Good luck.

    Posted by DT June 18, 09 12:42 PM
  1. Drop his belongings on his stoop today. If he has something to say he'll call. If he's the coward we know he is, he'll shave his legs, pluck his brow and hide. One good thing about this situation: You are now a fully indoctrinated Love Letter Go Getter. Now you'll know true love when you see it.

    And bad mistakes
    I've made a few
    I've had my share of sand kicked in my face -
    But I've come through

    Posted by valentino June 18, 09 12:52 PM
  1. As someone who wasted years casually involved w/ someone who just wasn't that into me, PLEASE PLEASE read what I have to say carefully.
    I'm sure he has some redeeming qualities that attracted you to him in the first place, but they are not enough. Keep reminding yourself of the 400+ people who have offered their opinions overwhelmingly agree that you should end this relationship. He's probably going to come crawling back, but not because he loves and respects you, but b/c he sounds like a selfish chicksh1t. It will take enormous will power, but kicking him to the curb for good will boost your self esteem tremendously and even give you a little adrenaline rush.
    Even though it sucks now you will be so much better off in the long run. You don't realize it but you have not only dodged a bullett, but this clears the path for you to meet the real love of your life.
    I promise, Karma's a b1tch and someday when he figures out what a jerk he was you'll be living happily ever after with someone else. Good luck!

    Posted by Been there June 18, 09 12:53 PM
  1. He broke up with you by saying he didn't want to talk to you when he got back. If he does get in touch with you and something happened with this girl over the weekend he can say that you two were "on a break". Run away fast, you deserve better.

    Posted by Manipulating you June 18, 09 12:55 PM
  1. Oh my goodness, there you go again! DO NOT go over to his place to drop his stuff off. You are seriously just making excuses to be able to contact him again. STOP IT. If it's expensive, important stuff and you're seriously afraid he may sue if he doesn't get it back eventually, keep the stuff in a closet for a couple of months. If that much time passes, he is NOT coming back for it and you can donate it. If however he does contact you asking for it back, either mail it back to him, or if you won't want to spend the money (and I wouldn't), leave it with a mutual friend and tell him to pick it up from him/her, or tell him you're going to leave it at the end of your driveway

    Posted by Anonymous June 18, 09 12:57 PM
  1. Oh my goodness, there you go again! DO NOT go over to his place to drop his stuff off. You are seriously just making excuses to be able to contact him again. STOP IT. If it's expensive, important stuff and you're seriously afraid he may sue if he doesn't get it back eventually, keep the stuff in a closet for a couple of months. If that much time passes, he is NOT coming back for it and you can donate it. If however he does contact you asking for it back, either mail it back to him, or if you won't want to spend the money (and I wouldn't), leave it with a mutual friend and tell him to pick it up from him/her, or tell him you're going to leave it at the end of your driveway in a garbage bag at a certain time and he can pick it up. Stop giving him opportunities to feed you more bull!

    Posted by Rae June 18, 09 01:02 PM
  1. Well, he said you could ask anyone, and you did. He has no reason to be 'livid'. The reason why he is livid is because he is guilty as sin! You've got your answer. You sound like a really good person and there are plenty of men who love to be with someone like you. That ship has sunk. Time to move on...

    Posted by CynicalOne June 18, 09 01:07 PM
  1. My co-workers and I have been checking the blog everyday to see if you've written back. It's over, throw away ALL of his stuff. Walk away with your dignity and self-respect and don't ever talk to this loser again!

    Posted by Bostongirl29 June 18, 09 01:13 PM
  1. He chose poorly. You sound like a wonderful woman. If I weren't married I would have asked you out. Give your self-esteem a boost by realizing that the problem is entirely him and not you, and there is a guy out there for you who will respect and love you. I was a doormat during college, and it took several years to build up the confidence to date again. I found the love of my life at age 33 and we've been married 14 years now with a wonderful daughter. Look ahead, don't call him, don't answer him if he does, just rip the bandaid off.

    Posted by Bob June 18, 09 01:14 PM

    I would be interested if he has a Face Book account (who doesn't), if so post this thread (and the 1st one) to his wall and let all of his friends be embarrassed for him and him humiliated!

    Posted by indiglodoe June 18, 09 01:20 PM
  1. If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck.... by golly its a DUCK!! Don't even waste your time calling him tonight. The relationship is over and you should spread your wings and fly off to a new pond. I have plenty of single friends. His plan all along was to turn this around on you and make you be the 'crazy' one. He's not worth it honey... and you're worth more!

    Posted by QuackQuack June 18, 09 01:20 PM
  1. His response is (he's livid with you!!) totally manipulative. He's projecting. He's livid with HIMSELF and he's livid that you're making it impossible for him to have his cake and eat it, too. We can all see it, but I know it's difficult for you to see it: if you call him, you're setting yourself up so that he can make it all seem like you're the one at fault here, and YOU ARE NOT. So please, do NOT call him. If you call him, you are giving him the ammunition that he will use against you, and I guarantee that you will regret it, b/c he will twist the entire situation around to make you look like a crazy person. And you are not. You are right to be upset, stand your ground, and do not call him.

    Posted by yogafriend June 18, 09 01:25 PM
  1. hi, i agree that he is most likely either going to cheat on you or has been the whole time he has known this girl. my guess is that she doesnt know you exist. please update us once you dump his a$$ and let us know what he says

    Posted by too shady for words June 18, 09 01:27 PM
  1. YOU GO GIRL! Have a good weekend with your family. If he doesn't ask for his stuff back by trash day, put it on the curb or take it to Goodwill!

    Don't call or text him! The only way to make him realize he was wrong is to let him know he wasn't that big a deal.

    We are proud that you didn't call him. Now erase his number from your phone(s). Summer is here, it's time for fun. Go places, do things, make lists galore and remember. men like girls who smile.

    Posted by delilah June 18, 09 01:31 PM
  1. Glad your friend talked you into not calling. I understand the mixed feelings you're having (sad, depressed, missing him). That's normal. YOU had feelings for him. They just don't disappear with a snap of a finger. And it's normal to wonder what happened to the good times and why someone who shared times like that with you would do such a thing. Many of us older than you have been there done that. Life is like that. Sometimes there are no easy answers. Best we can do is stick up for ourselves, know what values we embody, and only allow people who treat us with sincere honesty (sometimes it takes some time to figure that out) and utmost respect be in our personal space. You will learn from this. Regarding his belongings....please do not bring them to his place! The two of you have moved into a zone of hostility, and quite frankly, something seems a little "off" with him. Just like you're valuing yourself first by not calling him, value your safety (physical AND emotional) as well by not putting yourself anywhere near him. Pack his stuff in a box and send it slow mail thru the post office. Do not put a note in it.

    Posted by bklynmom June 18, 09 01:36 PM
  1. He just didn't want you to find out about his bender in P'town. "Aunt and Uncle
    on-hand as chaperones" was just code for all the eiffel towering he was
    planning on receiving. ;)

    Posted by Phil June 18, 09 01:54 PM
  1. Stop.

    Everyone just stop.


    Please disperse.

    There is nothing to see here.

    Move ahead with YOUR OWN lives.

    Posted by Hadie Nuff June 18, 09 02:19 PM
  1. Totally know how you feel about wanting to contact him but I've learned time and time again (especially in a haze of drunkeness) that nothing good ever comes of calling/texting/emailing a guy who doesn't want to hear from you. It hurts and it sucks. You've shared a life with this person and it's hard to throw it all away. But he's not giving you much of a choice. He doesn't care enough about you to 1- respect / consider your feelings at ALL and 2- break up with you the way a real man would. Run over your phone with your car. It's not worth it. Start over.

    Posted by slightly single June 18, 09 02:20 PM
  1. my momma once told me something, and every word is true
    don't waste your time on a fella who doesn't love you
    he'll only mistreat you
    only grieve you
    don't worry about him baby, you can do without him
    because there's too many fish in the sea

    luv the sugggestion about getting gussied up with the girls

    Posted by it happened to me, too June 18, 09 02:29 PM
  1. Hoss,
    @LLMixer, will there be Hookah like the Tangierino in Boston?
    have to get rid of blog-addiction, reading this blog day after day, after 1000 comments, who is doing what lw/bf/gf/hubby/wifey/he/she/it ?

    Posted by tsunami June 18, 09 02:36 PM
  1. Rico,
    you will be indicted into the LL Hall of Fame commentators.
    is it degrading that there are only few 100 comments on previous lw posts. go back and post with the official designation.

    Posted by rain June 18, 09 02:37 PM
  1. I haven't read the entire thread of comments yet, but rebs in #39 said EXACTLY what I thought Trying should do! To wit:

    "I think you should email him the link to the original post and this one with the message "I went ahead and did what you said and asked 'anyone' about this situation. Here's the unanimous answer from over 100 people.

    You're an a-hole. I hope she was worth it. Never speak to me again. Bye."

    Posted by Linda June 18, 09 03:13 PM
  1. Don't even drop off his stuff. Just throw it away.

    Posted by stephanie June 18, 09 03:33 PM
  1. Don't you dare go to his place to drop off his things. If he wants them he has to make the effort to pick them up at you own convenience. He's a jerk! God I hate jerks, Especially the ones who turn things on the victim instead of taking resposibilities for their actions. Dont call him and Dont drop off his things. He's got two hands, right? unless, you're looking for somekind of excuse to go to his house to see him, then by all means please be very so pathetic and needy.

    Posted by ida June 18, 09 03:53 PM
  1. " when I get back I am considering just dropping off the bag of his stuff that's still in my apartment if I don't hear from him."-----No. No. No. No. Throw it away. It's an excuse. You're holding on. Stop that. He is due no consideration. You've been dumped, crueling, insensitively. You have some lingering feelings for someone who does not exist anymore. Who you think you love...he's not there anymore. This jerk has replaced him and there is nothing you can do about that. WALK AWAY. Truly. Mourn. Absolutely. Cry. Be depressed, and seriously, get some professional help. You allowed yourself to be treated way beyond bad. You need to find out why. But LET GO. He already did. Seeing him will be bad. It will set you back. It's like smoking. EVery day you do not have a butt, you lose the craving a little bit more. Do NOT see him, do not drive by his house. Redecorate your house. buy some new clothes. Do things that he knows nothing about. Cut your hair. Buy new makeup. Move on. Mourn without him. "never let them see you cry". Seriously. Stop making excuses to call or see him. You need to grow a backbone. Who is going to protect you if it's not you? Be there for yourself. Do NOT contact him. He is poison to your heart. Stay away. Be a friend to yourself. Good luck.

    Posted by Been there June 18, 09 04:20 PM
  1. "Oh my goodness, there you go again! "---It;s true. You have a real doormat side to you. You need to do something about that. What if you end up marrying someone like this? You know how long and hard life is when you're a doormat? When your husband is cheating on you, bringing home diseases, when you're taking care of the kids and they're sick and you're up all night and he's laid off, he's doing nothing around the house, you're cooking, cleaning, doing everything, he's a jerk to you, looking at other women, you're working and he's getting hoochie somewhere else? That is your future. I've seen it happen. It starts like this. Allowingyourself to be treated like crap during the dating years. Guy marry a girl whom he knows he can get away with anything and who will support him. You need to smarten up. There is something wrong with how much abuse you're willing to take, and how pathetic and low you will go in order to have "love", which obviosly, is not really love. Maybe he was attracted to you, sleeping with you at one time so he was nice to you then, but obviously that is long over and there is nothing you can do to bring it hback. It's already gone. You need to work on you. You need to figure out how/why you got into doormat mode and never allow it to happen to you again. Forget his stupid stuff. Throw it out. At what point do you value you? What does he have to do for you to say "forget him?" Hit you? Or would you forgive him that too??? Please find a councelor. Find someone professional to talk to. I bet your health insurance covers it.

    Posted by straight talk June 18, 09 04:33 PM
  1. His stuff should either be donated to a homeless shelter or other charity after 1 month of time. If during the month he calls on you for his "stuff" (do not answer him, voicemail is what he deserves) you can leave him an email telling him he can pick it up at a location you decide on, maybe the front steps behind a bush or wherever. If at 1 month you hear nothing you let him know with an email that you are leaving his "stuff" at the local charity unless he picks it up from where you leave it that day. Or just throw it away just like he threw away 3 years of your life.

    I can help with your self esteem, just call on me and wear something sexy. I'll make you feel like a real woman and make you forget the lil' loser before the night is through.

    Posted by Joey from the hood June 18, 09 04:41 PM
  1. Amen to donating his stuff, though I would do it tonight rather than waiting a whole month unless there's something really valuable in there, in which case, I'd mail it before you leave for the weekend, so that way all your business is finished by the time you go. When you come back, you can start over from scratch as best you can. This guy is an asshole trying to pull a number on you. Don't let him.

    Posted by Lauren June 18, 09 05:50 PM
  1. Oooh, I like that Linda (#154)!!

    Seriously, PLEASE DO NOT CALL THIS JERK. And please DO NOT DROP HIS STUFF OFF TO HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You are catering to someone who so obviously was a scumbag to you. It will not change ANYTHING to call him or see him or bring him back his stuff. You don't want him. You will regret it if you try and beg him/try to convince him back. Been there, done that. Go out and meet someone nice. They are out there.

    Posted by Tiki June 18, 09 06:07 PM
  1. Amen to donating his stuff, though I would do it tonight rather than waiting a whole month unless there's something really valuable in there, in which case, I'd mail it before you leave for the weekend, so that way all your business is finished by the time you go. When you come back, you can start over from scratch as best you can. This guy is an asshole trying to pull a number on you. Don't let him.

    Posted by Lauren June 18, 09 06:12 PM
  1. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE read all these comments with your heart wide open--see how many of us care about you. Especially read 119---that is terrific advice. Maybe it would help to ask yourself--would you ever treat anyone the way he treated you? Would you ever behave like that? If anyone treated HIM like that, what do you suppose his response would be? You have received an emotional injury, and injury really does hurt. That's a good thing! It's the way you can tell if something is good for you or not--this one is a big NOT. Take care , GOOD LUCK. I am so sorry that you're so sad and so glad for you that you are free and available to meet someone wonderful.

    Posted by cvana June 18, 09 06:16 PM
  1. I forgot to say to try and put yourself in a better place. Do not sit and wallow. Try to go out with whomever you can just so you don't have to be alone. Don't listen to sad music or any kiind of music that reminds you of him. I actually would put on music you can't stand just to get your mind completely clear of any association of him. Lean on your friends and family and keep yourself busy busy busy. You'll get through this in no time. And you'll look back and be thankful that he did this. You really will....

    Posted by Tiki June 18, 09 07:15 PM
  1. I have furniture from a boy friend I had 20 years ago. Still nice stuff. It was a sort of a mutual "we shouldn't talk to eachother anymore", well, actually, I said the final "let's not call eachother anymore". That means "BREAK UP!" Make note. You've been dumped. I have big thick sweatshirts from another. I broke up wiht him. I have lost tapes, movies, books, all sorts of things to breakups. Just that 'ick, I dont want to see them or talk to them again, oh screw it" write the stuff off, not worht the confrontation. Don't return his stuff. It's pathetic. At some point you need to be a friend to you. Making yourself look pathetic and stupid is not nice thing to do to yourself. Screw his stuff. Keep it if it's good. If not, throw it away. Who cares. Screw him. I'm sure he's quite aware he'll never see it again. Start acting like a grown up, dear. Breaking up is like a house fire. So long as you got out alive, screw the stuff left behind.

    Posted by older June 18, 09 08:51 PM
  1. We need SEX-ED. I just found out the largest HIV dating&support site Positivefish. com. It has more than 500,000 members!
    OMG! Why so many guys and girls on the site are very sexy? Why so many people infect HIV?

    Posted by stdslove June 18, 09 10:27 PM
  1. Don't drop off his bag! People usually do things like that in the hopes of running into the ex, but I don't think anything good could come of seeing him or trying to get better closure.

    This guy is a total jerk and you should start trying to move on. I know how hard it can be to feel betrayed and have things end suddenly, but let yourself mourn a while then focus on good things (all the support you have all of us love letters readers?) and make yourself move on without talking with him.

    I stayed in a bad, dishonest relationship for way too long, and looking back I still do wish I understood why he treated me that way but what I regret most is letting him keep hurting me and asking questions that don't really have any good answers (is there an explanation he could give that would make any of it better?).

    If he left anything of value behind (besides a woman who is too good for him) then give him a few days to ask for it back and if you don't hear from him either donate it or sell it on craigslist and buy yourself something nice. If you do hear from him don't talk to him or see him but let him know you will leave the stuff outside your door for him to pick up. And try to have a good weekend.

    Posted by feeling your pain June 19, 09 12:09 AM
  1. TNTBJ/now Heartbroken: Pack up all his stuff so you never have to look at it and be reminded of him unnecessarily again, and HAVE A FRIEND DROP IT OFF on his doorstep. Don't go over there yourself, don't even be in the car. Have a friend go alone and leave the stuff. Don't give him any chance to try to be manipulative with you, especially since you are vulnerable and hurting right now. Hang out with your friends a lot, and they'll help you boost your self esteem and take your mind off of it.
    You sound like a really nice person, self sufficient, financially independent, have your own place, a job, etc etc. Believe me sweetie, you have A LOT going for you right now. I know that heartbreak is awful and it feels like the worst thing in the world,but I would do so much to be in your shoes right now and only have to worry about that. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying what you're going through is not heartwrenching, sickening, sad, angering, etc etc, but you need to concentrate now on what you DO have going for you in your life. And it sounds to me like a heck of a lot.

    Posted by Good Karma June 19, 09 07:47 AM
  1. Agree with beenthere #141:
    To reiterate…If you crawl back, you’ll always be a crawler-backer and never gain control of your romantic life. Make this stand and you’ll always have the power to end and begin again on your terms.

    Posted by val June 19, 09 11:01 AM
  1. Ok, so this guy is most definitley an ass. Most everyone here seems to think you shouldn't get in contact with him, for good reason. However, personally I think having some closure makes it easier to move on. If I were in your spot, I wouldn't call him either, but I would drop off his stuff and leave a letter along with it. No reason to stoop to his level and write anything mean or give him too much satisfaction in knowing how hurt you were, but I would be straight to the point and call him on his actions. I think if someone's been an ass then they need to hear it. Again, just in a straight forward way, not in a I'm a pissed off chick kind of way.

    I've done this a couple times as a way to just get it off my chest and close the door. In one case the guy called me later on to apology for being an ass and we're still friends (completely different situation than yours). In the other case, well no apology but years later I ran into him (a couple times) and he ended up being extremely flirty with me as if something was going to happen. Not!

    Anyhow as far as writing a letter maybe that's just me, I just like to call it like it like I see it. No name calling, no grudge holding, just point blank. But, I do agree that I would not speak to him, you have nothing to gain in that.

    Posted by cc June 19, 09 12:50 PM

    Posted by Been around June 22, 09 02:57 PM

    Posted by MAHSIN June 22, 09 04:51 PM
  1. There is WAAAAAAAAYYY too much reference to "having your cake and eating it too" on this board. It projects an underlying belief that people should just walk around with a bunch of cake, but never eat. What the F$@& is the point of even having the cake if you're not going to eat it?? Are you really such a nasty, manipulative person that you want everyone to NOT eat their cake?? Seriously. It may sound like I'm trying to joke, but there's actually a real psychological problem with these types of people. You don't want anyone else to have unless you can too -- is usually the accompanying personality type. The whole concept of wanting someone to maintain an unconsumed cake speaks to a much larger instability.

    Gee, I thought that the whole point of having cake is to eat the friggin thing! What, should he just LOOK at the cake?? It's not even appropriate to this friggin' scenario! The letter writer isn't even the cake! She's just the light pre-cake snack -- maybe like a Twinkie. The "cake" is sitting in a tantalizing thong on a Cape Cod beach somewhere!! And trust me, he's eating the friggin' thing!!!!

    Sorry, somebody had to pop that balloon...

    Posted by DJMcG June 23, 09 02:04 PM
  1. Any more updates on radio silence cape cod trip?

    Posted by b June 28, 09 06:43 PM
ABOUT LOVE LETTERS: Welcome to Love Letters, the place for love advice (giving and getting). Globe relationship columnist Meredith Goldstein and Boston.com readers are ready to take your letters and tell you what's what. Have a question? Click here to submit or email us at loveletters@boston.com.
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Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.

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