Uncomfortably numb
Good morning.
This person is feeling numb in Taunton. Help.
Q: So my boyfriend (who I was madly in love with, and he with me) of 2 years and I broke up this past February. We haven't spoken since. Not an email, phone call, IM, Facebook message, nothing. The breakup was a long time coming, we had grown apart over the 2 years, had lost each other as best friends, and it was hard for both of us to let go, but it was time. I am at peace with it.
Currently, I started seeing someone new. He is kind, smart, mature, and we have fun. My question is: Why can't I feel? What I mean is, I haven't had any real emotions since the breakup. It’s almost as if my ex took my heart with him. I know that sounds corny, but I really WANT to have feelings for my new guy.
So will I eventually feel again? Is this a side effect of not dealing with my emotions (I haven't really cried since the break up), or am I just not that into him? I mean, I want to see him, I talk to him daily, we connect amazingly sexually, and he makes me smile. My head says I like him a lot but I just don't feel it in my soul.
-- Void of Emotion, Taunton
A: VOE, this is unusual advice for me, but I think you need to break the radio silence with your ex. Not having any contact with him seems to be making him larger than life, more powerful than he was or should be. You describe the relationship in extremes – “madly in love,” suddenly no talking, best friends …. You dated for two years but you also spent two years growing apart. That’s a lot at once. Seems to me that a friendly “How are you?” conversation might remind you of what he actually was -- an exciting guy who loved you, but wasn’t right for forever. Communicating with him may hurt, but isn’t that the goal? To feel something again? Anything? Talking to him may result in the tears you've been waiting for. You may get yourself some closure (the C-word!).
As for your new relationship, let’s give it some time, shall we? You’re comparing your feelings (or lack thereof) for this new guy to the intimacy and love you felt in your previous relationship. This relationship is a baby. Let it grow.
Your heart’s not gone. It just has a scab over it. That scab's going to rip off. You may just have to itch it a bit.
Readers? Thoughts on the ex and whether this person is capable of being with a new guy? Share your thoughts here. Submbit a letter to the right.
-- Meredith
I can guarantee that anyone who has been through a fiery relationship that results in a break-up will feel some empathy for your situation.
I half-agree and half-disagree with Meredith on this one. I think she's right about you needing a bit of closure from your previous relationship. Going from madly in love to nothing is a lot all at once. You've got an emotional block/scab that would likely start to go away if you let yourself feel some of those old emotions (a little reminder, perhaps?). But I also think that there's a possibility that the guy you're currently dating may not be the one for you - at least not yet, not right now.
This is scary. You say you don't feel anything but could you possibly be in denial about continued feelings for your ex? What happens if when you contact him you find out that either 1) he wants you back or 2) that he is madly in love with someone else? i'm concerned about your ego in this. Your new guy may be Mr. Right but he also may be better friendship material, albeit "with benefits". February was only four months ago and you may still be in a grief stage. Also, can you enlighten us as to why, if you were both madly in love, you and your ex broke up? Maybe if you look honestly at the reason for the breakup you will find the cause of the numbness. It may have to do with your self image, or your views on what a relationship should be. I agree with Meredith that you shouldn't compare the new guy with your ex (though it's impossible not to) but I'm concerned that communicating with your ex may open a can of worms of heartache for you.
My god I hate when people say (or in this case write) "itch" instead of "scratch." It's things like this that our country is in the economic mess we're in, I'm certain of it.
Sorry Meredith but Rico thinks you are wrong to suggest contact with her ex.
Rico enjoyed the weekend and hope you all did too. Here is what Rico has to say about this letter:
Rico thinks that this girl needs to talk to her friends, family or a counselor of some sort rather than her ex. Talking to her ex could either damage her further or possibly rekindle feelings and ruin her current relationship which is already doomed...read on. Do you go back to the car dealer and take the old beat up car you traded in for a test drive to remind you why you traded it in? It sounds to Rico like this girl is confused. While she has a great sexual situation and a guy that makes her smile it is missing something emotional which has nothing to do with the ex. This is a classic rebound situation and one that needs to run its course. Maybe he isn't giving her what it is she needs to have an emotional connection? Maybe she is just not ready for a relationship right now?
Rico thinks maybe taking a break from dating instead of jumping from one to the next would have been a better idea. Meredith, did you miss the timeline? February Break up and now in a full blown relationship in June? Sounds like a rebound and not a very good one. Rico thinks in fairness to this guy and to herself it is time to be single and get her head back where it needs to be. This guy is a sexual surrogate and nothing more until she has mourned the last relationship.
Rico will check back for others comments and maybe a follow up from the writer and Meredith. Rico says "Be good to mother nature and she'll be good to you".
Love always,
Rico
Gears not gas
I disagree with calling the ex. I think you can grieve over the relationship without opening that door. You said you were at peace with the break up so I don't see why you'd need to go there (unless you're really NOT at peace with it).
Your relationship ended in February but you don't say how long you've been with the new guy - 1 week, 2 weeks, a month? Even if you started dating him immediately after the break up, it's still not a very long time at this point. Not feeling it in your soul? Come on... from everything you said, it sounds like you ARE into the new guy, but you're looking for something to be wrong. You should ask yourself whether you're even ready to be in a relationship because if not, you're wasting the new guy's time.
VOE -- Your current guy is your rebound guy -- most likely he is just transitional. You'll probably start really feeling again with the next guy. As for contacting your ex, not sure that is a good idea -- is smacks of "I want to let you know I'm seeing someone else now that I'm so over you". Plus you'll still end up feeling more strongly for the ex than the new guy. My advice is to continue to go through the transition on the way to your next big love.
A lack of emotion is a sign of depression. I know people hate to consider the fact that they could be suffering from such a thing, but it should be considered here.
I highly recommend going on a few blind dates with some guys from the online dating world just to get an appreciation for what you do have with this new guy.
Trust me, you'll be writing us an update that you are getting married soon.
From several women I have talked to, it is normal for some Ladies to take a much as a year to "Feel" like connecting with someone again after a big breakup. So this might not be all that abnormal; either that, or to use that cliche, maybe "you're just no that into him"? Other than that I have no advice, since I am a guy who would be "on the prowl" within 24 hours after the breakup. I am dubious about M's advice on calling the Ex though...
Definitely give him a call. It can be a true test of whether or not you are over him. I am a big advocate of some silence post-break up as I feel the heart needs some introspection, but after dating someone for two years going from all in to nothing is a big step. Keep the conversation simple and light. Then, move on! Keep seeing new guy or other new guys...that loving feeling will return with the right person.
read the sparkless post not too many days ago. that is you in a few years. poor sap doesn't know he is about to get dumped.
Wow Meredith, talk about a swing and a miss...
... Trust me, if things could end "well" they wouldn't end. Digging up your old boyfriend is just going to make it worse.
The reality is that connections, REAL CONNECTIONS, are exceptionally rare and while you may like the new guy as a friend, you clearly don't think he matches up to whatever you had with the previous guy. Don't settle. Dump the new guy and keep searching for someone who is good looking enough, rich enough, and interesting enough to keep your interest for more than 2 years.
Hi. This is VOE and I would like to say thanks for all the great advice. J Bar, you are right that contacting my ex will be painful, but I agree with Meredith that I need to do it. It will answer questions that have been bothering me such as 1) Does he still care at all (even on a friendship level) 2) Does he never want to talk to me again? 3) How is he doing? I honestly do care about his life still.
To answer your question about the breakup, he moved 4 hours away (joined the military) after we had been dating a year and we tried the distance thing for a while. It caused problems, but we were both working through them until the phone conversation where I could sense something was wrong. He finally admitted that he hadn't felt the same about me for a while and was waiting until he had "figured it out" to tell me about it. I told him that I figured him out first. Dazed and upset, I told him that if he didnt feel the same way about me that I did about him, I could no longer be in a relationship with him. He said ok and that was the end of the conversation. We havent spoken since. This is mainly due to both of us being stubborn and prideful. (not that that is an excuse, but thats the truth) So I am thinking that I will send an email of sorts, be the bigger person, and say hello. What have a got to lose, really? If he indeed doesnt want to (or cannot handle) speaking to me, then that will be ok(maybe not right away, but I will live) . I doubt he wants to get back together, and even if he does, I do not. Despite the fact that I probably still have feelings for him, I know that we cannot work right now.
As for the new guy, I am still giving it time. I still see him, and the more time I spend with him, the more I like him. Hopefully once I have some closure I will be able to let down my guard and maybe fall in love again. Again, thanks to all. Steve, really?
You are a mess.
1. "So my boyfriend (who I was madly in love with, and he with me) of 2 years and I broke up this past February."
He's your EX-BOYFRIEND. Wake up.
2. "it was hard for both of us to let go, but it was time. I am at peace with it."
No, no you're not or else you wouldn't be writing in to an online blog now would you? Wake up.
3. "It’s almost as if my ex took my heart with him."
No, no he didn't. You're just making excuses and trying to displace the blame. Stop. Wake up.
4. "My head says I like him a lot but I just don't feel it in my soul."
Stop trying to convince yourself about how you SHOULD feel. Stop trying to rationalize it.
In summary: stop dating your current boyfriend. Do him a huge favor and get him out from under your mess right now. Contact your ex-boyfriend or move on with your life. Stop trying to live in both worlds and all the while lying about how you've made your peace with it. You haven't. You're a mess. Fix yourself. Now.
- Hoss (back from holiday)
i would advise speaking to a therapist- being numb to anything for a long period of time means something is going on a little deeper than any of us can give advice on. talk it out over a few sessions and i think you'll literally feel a lot better!
I can't see how contacting the ex is going to help. You're clearly on the rebound, and this happens to the best and worst of us. You probably can't feel because you're too wrapped up in *thinking* about this instead of just letting go and enjoying yourself. You're wondering if this guy is right in all the ways your ex was wrong and you just need to STOP THINKING.
Mr. New Guy sounds like a nice guy. Just take it slow, see how it goes and if after three months you still feel nothing, it's time to move on. By then it means it's not you, it's him. But don't go looking for the next fiery relationship: the light that burns brightest burns the shortest.
Steve, your last sentence is grammatically incorrect. "It's things like this that our country....."?? Huh? Glass houses, stones, you get it, right?
As a broken heart survivor, I can tell you that you need to take your time to recover. You cannot rush those things, and putting pressure on yourself to feel in a certain way will only make things worse.
Do not be in a hurry to get back to what you think is normal - accept that things take time, and enjoy what life brings you every day without demanding that you feel a certain way right now. Feelings will come when you are ready, not when you want them.
I have had this feeling more than once. The first time was when I was with an amazing man yet still in love with someone else ( who I happen to currently be with!) and another time for about a year after a long ( wasted) year with a really needy guy who was also emotionally unavailable. I'm one to move on right away, and although I didn't " miss" him, I did feel as if he had taken all the love out of me.
However, it has returned! I tend to wonder that maybe you needed some more time to heal and move on. The guy you're with now sounds great, but I don't think you're ready.
I'm torn on getting in touch with the ex as it can be dangerous or wonderful.
It's your call-
Good Luck!
in reference to itch vice scratch. it's a different context of the meaning. itch = bothersome, scratch reminds me of a dog scratching for fleas. here, i feel as though itch would be right, i think meredith is implying an itch, just to see what it feels like, not so much of a "scratch it off. " you wouldnt want to scratch it off, then it would be totally open. you would just want to itch it, see whats there, and hope that it doesnt bleed... think mosquito bite, its annoying, itchy, you dont want to scratch it, just wait till it goes away... which makes me think she needs to itch, and leave it be, its dangerous territory.
Steve (post 3) "It's things like this that our country is in the economic mess we're in, I'm certain of it." is not a sentence. If you are going to grammar pick, be consistent.
Steve (post 3) "It's things like this that our country is in the economic mess we're in, I'm certain of it." is not a sentence. If you are going to grammar pick, be consistent.
I think we need a little more details on what really caused this breakup to know how to respond properly to this. I am not sure that contacting your ex is a good idea unless you are not sure you don't want him back. i don't buy this needing closure idea. If the relationship is over it IS CLOSED! I would guess he wanted this breakup more than you and that is why you are having trouble getting over it..
Oh my god, Meredith is right on! It does seem like odd advice, but I've gone through the very same type of thing. Total "cold turkey" on someone you felt so intensely for DOES amplify the memory of the relationship and feelings. Twice in my past I ended up back in contact, and both times I've been amazed at how much that tempered my past feelings and "freed up" current positive feelings about myself and life sans Mr. Terrific.
Closure doesn't necessarily mean "cut off forever." Closure just means finding a more positive way to view something from your past. And that can indeed include continuing communication with the other person(s) involved.
And Hoss is back with a vengeance.
VOE,
Sorry Mere don't agree with you on this one.
I would not re-connect with the ex. Sit down and make a list of all the problems/issues you had to deal with in your relationship with your ex. If you have trouble remembering call your friends who had to console you after the break-up.
I guarantee they will come up with dozens of reasons why you should let this sleeping dog lie.
There is an expression-to have love like fire or love like water. Love like fire is pure passion and burns very hot-but also burns out quickly. Love like water is is slow and steady. It doesn't seem like much-but over time it can actually move mountains. We should strive to have love like water.
VOE,
You said you still care about how is life is going, and you want to ask him how he is. Be prepared - he may not care that you care. I still send a certain ex a birthday card every year, because I am like you in this way. But he never replies. He does not care that I still care about him. Just keep your hopes level, or lowered, OK? So you won't get hurt. The phone call could be wondrous - or it could be a disaster. Be careful of your heart. Worse than having an ex dislike you, is having an ex not care about you one way or the other.
in your second post, you have 3 questions to have answered by talking to the ex. the first two should tell you that you arent over him, just pretending to be for pride's sake. it seems to me you DO want him back, otherwise why would you want to know if he still cares for you? you will find someone else when you accept that the ex is an ex for a reason and that the past is the past. if you dont feel it with the new guy dont lead him on. the spark/chemistry is either there or not.
that said, i have been in your place. fiery relationship ended for good in february after ending after 6 months of off and on, met someone a month later and happy as a clam. trust me i thought about him for a while but the new one won me over and i cant believe i even dealt with the ex for as long as i did, knowing what other kinda guys are out there. if this new guy was something for you then you would know it. you dont, so you should break up.
you want to have feelings for the guy but don't so then the smart thing to do is to have sex with him? and women call men crazy.
I agree with Meredith. I had a long-term relationship that went from madly in love to over and out. I moved away so we never had contact. I found I was having trouble connecting in relationships, and couldn't figure out why. I just though, bad timing, bad luck. My ex happened to resurface (his doing) because he was having similar issues. Who knew?! We had a long talk (phone, not in person). I felt like the weight of the world was lifted offf my shoulders, I dont know why, but I guess there were still a few things to say (none of them angry, just lose emotions to tie up). Anyway, point being, 3 mos later I fell madly, deeply, and into a better relationship than the last. Everyone is different, so you have to go with your gut, but, its not too big of a leap to try if it gets you to where you want to be next.. Good Luck!!
As another broken heart survivor, I think what you are feeling is completely normal and healthy. You went through a rough break up and your heart was smashed to pieces. I dont think you are ready to be in another serious relationship and you shouldn't expect to fall in love with the next guy. Real love doesn't come around that often and not when you expect it to.
About 5 years ago, I went through a tough breakup and I also had a tough time truly caring about the guys I dated afterward. I dated a lot, but I knew that I was definitely not in love with any of them. When things ended with them, I didn't care. I moved on. But one day, I made a conscience decision to hold out and not start dating someone unless I knew if we ended things I would be truly upset. It took years to find the right guy who lit my fire. I was glad i was patient because it was worth the wait.
Rico just read your follow up and still disagrees with contacting your ex. Unless you really want to try and get back with him? Then it's still a bad idea but for other reasons.
You sound like you are young? Was he a HS boyfriend? First love? You are broken up, sleeping with other(s) and you sound like a broken hearted teenager trying to make her HS relationship work.
DO NOT CONTACT HIM!!! You need some new friends to get you straightened out. Go out and enjoy being single and stop having sexual relations with someone you don't care about unless it is a FWB's and both of you know about it. Right now he is being used. You all but say it loud and clear in yoru post and follow up that you still love this ex and if he says he wants you back you will drop this new guy in a heartbeat and go running to his arms.
Do us all a favor listen to Rico and dump the new guy, don't call the old one and go enjoy life as a single girl. Rico is here to listen to you and give you advice but Rico needs you to listen and follow his advice. Sorry but Rico thinks you will be writing back later about how badly the "conversation" went with the ex.
Now get out and live your life.
Love always,
Rico
Instead of calling him, why don't you stalk him? Figure out his routine and then "accidentally run" into him while he's perusing this month's Maxim at Barnes & Noble. Literally "run" into him -- trip and fall into his arms. Guys love klutzy girls. At this point, it'll come to you: you either remember why you loved him when he catches you or he'll let you fall and skin your knee, in which case, you'll get your C-word. And then you can call him the A-word. See? It all works out in the end.
Only another female would agree with this advice from Meredith. She is so wrong it isn't funny. This girl is afraid to be alone so she sleeps with some poor slug until she figures out who to be with next unless she can get back together with her ex. This is a common problem. Not gender related but from a guys standpoint, it's happened to me with a girl going back to her ex so it's not surprising to see this letter. Personally I hope you lose the new guy, never get back with the ex and live a lonely life. You deserve what you get and this new guy deserves a whole lot better. You are a dumb self centered sleazebag associating sex with love. Going cat shopping this weekend?
Hoss should have stayed on holiday, HOLIDAY? We normal people say VACATION. You foolish troll.
It is clear that you are still in love with your X. This current bf is just a rebound, and hey keep dating him if you want to pass the time, but be honest with him that is probably isn't going anywhere. he should have the right to try and move on and find something serisous if he needs to. I mean, how would you feel if your positions were reversed?
Contacting the X will probably be painful if you are still in love with him. I never understood the need for closure - if you broke up, isn't that the end and there is your closure? What more do you need, for him to tell you he has moved on and is in love with someone else - or for him to just reiterate what he said 4 mos ago and end things all over again? You should really just try to move on - take a few more weeks off from dating anyone and just focus on you, go out with friends and find other things to do for awhile. You may find you don't really need your X anyhow
I agree with Meredith - give you ex a call. It will help you see whether or not you are truly over him.
I had lunch with an ex (I dated him for a year and we broke up just over a year ago) a couple of months ago and it was great. The guy drove me nuts for the two hours I spent with him and it helped remind me why I broke up with him, at a time when I started to have doubts about whether or not I had made the right decision. Sometimes we only remember the good stuff about our exes, when there is a really good reason that the breakup occurred in the first place.
It sounds like you haven’t moved on from your ex. I guarantee a phone call will give you clarity.
No clue where Meredith hangs out, but where I come from, calling someone for "closure" in this situation (out of the blue, months after mutual break up, etc.) is a sign of desperation and is pretty much just pathetic.
In terms of the letter, it's hard to actually give advice because the letter writer is not being honest with herself in many ways. You should not have to convince yourself that you're at peace with something, that you should have feelings, that you are fine, etc. There's just too much of an attempt to steer the advice toward what she wants to hear.
The only thing I can say is that you should print off this letter and give it to the guy you're dating. It will be enough to get him to leave you and move on to someone less conflicted and someone not in denial. Best of luck with the therapy.
Wrong, wrong, wrong.....
Do not call your ex. You are feeling depressed. It will take some time to get over him. Sometimes it takes months or even years. The nice man you are with IS your rebound guy. If you really like him, give it time. If he is understanding, you'll be OK. Just don't scratch that itch. You already pulled off the band-aid - why stick it back on?
DrK
I disagree with Meredith on her first suggestion, but agree with her on the other. Where I disagree...I don't think you need to contact the ex for closure. There was closure....you said you drifted apart within those 2 years, so clearly there was a reason for the break up and since neither of you have contacted the other since Feb, obviously there is a reason for that. I do agree though that you need to give this relationship a chance. It sounds like you're enjoying it for what it is...so keep enjoying it. Maybe he doesn't make your heart go pitter patter now (and that could be a could thing in establishing a foundation), but that's ok...sometimes you don't get that initially, and maybe there's a reason in this case. It sounds like the two of you are just enjoying this connection for what it is now, and that's a good thing. Maybe after continuuing to build trust and a friendship with this person (and as you have time to gradually heal from the 2 yr relationship), you may end up developing deeper emotional feelings for this new guy. Or maybe not. Either way, you can't lose. If it's meant to be, you will eventually get those feelings IF the relationship moves ahead and unlike the last relationship brings you closer rather than drifting apart. Or, the relationship isn't meant for the long haul where you have deep emotional feelings for him, or he becomes more emotionally invested than you feel, in which case, that will be the time to move on. So, keep enjoying getting to know this new guy, feeling it out, allowing the experience to grow yourself, and just be honest with him. All relationships are learning experiences, so as long there is honesty, open communication, mutual respect, and good times, no matter where the relationship goes (or doesn't go), it will eventually lead you in the right
direction.
This is VOE again. Wow. Ok. Some of that was tough to read, but I needed the blunt advice. Before writing the original letter, I had decided not to contact my ex. Meredith's advice made me second guess that. Honestly, some say contact, others say no.
I definitely do not want to be with him. That much, I know. I am not in love with him the way I was. I think I am just missing the connection. For now, I am not going to contact him. I honestly don't think about him that much and I think I just need to give it some time.
As for the new guy, I really do not want to use him nor lead him on. I do like spending time with him and maybe I am over analyzing everything. Maybe I should just go with the flow? I have discussed all this with friends who say do not call the ex and do not lead on the new guy. Right now, I do not think I am leading him on because I like him. I want to spend time with him and be with him.
Rico rules! Plus, when you find out your ex has moved-on and is currently sleeping with some fake blonde he met at the local dive-bar, it's going to sting. Why else hasn't he contacted you??
Son of Sam you are a hateful little worm, aren't you? I'm not surprised that your last girlfriend went back to her ex. I am surprised that you've ever had a girlfriend with your attitude towards woman. I am guessing you are, what? 17? Maybe 18? I visualize skinny, lots of acne, no friends, and a hairy palm.
"Rico is here to listen to you and give you advice but Rico needs you to listen and follow his advice."
The ego that roared. Rico, you're nuttier than squirrel crap.
Well, after reading your initial posting and your update in the comments I think it is clear that you are in denial. First you say "I broke up." In your update it's obvious that it was the other way around. He didn't want to continue in the relationship. Then you said that the lack of contact with your ex is "mainly due to both of us being stubborn and prideful"... Really? It sounds more like he was done with you.
So the reason you can not fall in love with the new guy is that you are still in love with the old guy (who broke up with you, even if you made it official, he was done, you were not). Of course, when you read Meredith's advice it sounds like magic to you, because all this time you've been meaning to get in touch with your ex.
Meredith advice is not completely wrong given the facts that you provided (like mentioning YOU broke up with the guy, when it fact he wanted out of the relationship). I think Meredith should update her answer -- I guess it will change completely -- once she realizes that you are in love with a guy who left you.
Although I do not care about much the environment, Rico is right on this one: time to move one. Forget about your ex, stop lying to yourself ("I honestly do care about his life still," or "the break up was a long time coming"), be single for a while, and enjoy life.
Forget contact with the ex. Wait for the feelings to naturally happen with the new guy. They will or they won't in time. What's the big rush? Sounds like you're enjoying him well enough. The longer loves takes, maybe the better it will be?
I left my heart at Taunton/Raynham Greyhound Park once…I never got it back.
The Race is On:
I feel tears welling up from down deep inside,
Like my heart's got a big break
and a stab of loneliness sharp and painful
that I may never shake.
You might think that I'm taking it hard
since you broke me off with a call,
You might wager that I'll hide in sorrow
and I might lay right down and bawl.
Now the race is on and here
comes pride up the back stretch,
Heartaches a goin' to the inside,
my tears are holding back, tryin' not to fall.
My heart's out of the running,
true love scratched for another's sake,
The race is on and it looks like heartaches,
and the winner loses all.
One day I ventured in love never once suspecting
what the final result would be.
Now I live in fear of waking up each morning,
And finding that you're gone from me.
There's an aching pain in my heart
for the name of the one that I hated to face,
Someone else came out to win her,
and I came out in second place.
meredith actually makes a great point here, that cutting off all contact and never hearing from someone makes them much larger in your mind than they need to be or should be. shutting someone out of your reality does not work; i've tried it and it just prolongs feelings of bitterness, etc., unnecessarily.
Paco has a number of thoughts on this matter.
1) Paco says you should (gently) dump your current guy. People LOSE interest with time, not gain more. If you're not feeling it for him now, it's just going to get worse later. Do him a favor and set him free so he can find someone who will go gaga over him and vice versa.
2) You are not over your ex. Paco thinks nothing good can come from contacting him again. He's either already seeing someone else (and the news will hurt you), not interested (which will hurt you) or he'll say he missed you, which will cause the two of you to try things again until you breakup again in a few months because nothing has changed (which will hurt you). If getting hurt is the jumpstart you need to feel closure, so be it, but Paco is not a fan of putting his hand on a hot stove, and he does not see why other people like to do so.
3) Paco would say that it's time for being alone...and learning to be comfortable and happy with it. Currently, you are rebounding to cover up your pain, which is why you can't feel. Your emotions are pent up won't come forward because you're supressing them. Allow yourself the time and the circumstance to grieve, and your feelings will return. So says the Paco.
Good luck!
Paco
This isn't about contacting the former boyfriend, this is your heart catching up to the new reality of your life without military guy. It is possible to feel numb for months after a break up, especially one that you did not expect. It does go away over time, and one day you will wake up, and feel again. In the meantime, it is really unfair of you to continue to see the new guy. I think you owe it to him to be honest about where you are in the grieving process. If he knows, and is ok with it, then fine. Put yourself in his shoes. How would you feel if you were investing emotionally in someone who is just not through the grieving process. February is just not that long ago. Give yourself some time. If you don't you'll likely wish you did later, when things go sour with bachelor # 2.
I'm in a similar boat. I broke up with a serious boyfriend almost a year ago. Our relationship was very intense that ended suddenly and when we broke up, I felt empty. We have not spoke since the breakup and while I sometimes wish I had closure, I know its better to stay away than open the wound again. I have dated 2 guys since our break up and experienced the same thing that you're going through. I decided that I didn't want to waste the new guys time because I clearly really wasn't ready for a relationship. Almost a year later and I'm still "comfortably numb" and I've decided that time heals all. So don't contact your ex - let the past be the past, esp if you dont want to get back together with him. Things will get better in time and just remember to be fair to this new guy who could really like you. You dont NEED to have a bf just to have a bf.
Keep having sex with him. Maybe you'll feel something eventually.
I second the opinion of Son of Sam. I am a guy that was in the same situation. He is right it is not a gender thing as I know women this has happened to as well. And I think hoss should have stayed away on vacation too. Go get a cat.
Why is paco trying to copy Rico? Be original. Like him or not he was right in what he wrote.
Haha, sorry about making a mistake in my post, though to be fair my nitpick was one of word usage, not grammar. I'd written it differently, changed it and posted without rereading. Though I am an editor, I do not have an editor (my complaint is not against Meredith, but the editor who should have fixed that).
VOE, sorry, I'm the kind of person who gets caught in the details and often overlooks the big picture. But believe me...don't contact him.
Hmmm, after reading your letter and subsequent 2 updates (thank you for those), I think that contacting the ex would be a bad idea. You mentioned that you miss the deep connection you had with your ex-bf and that you miss being that close to someone else: that's perfectly understandable. That's one of the beautiful things about a relationship- you feel so incredibly close to someone else on many levels. Unfortunately, that's what makes break-ups so hard- all of a sudden it's just you. Your "better-half" is gone, and it feels like you're missing a limb. (Or a piece of your heart.) What's also unfortunate is that talking to your ex won't fill that void. And you shouldn't look for a replacement/rebound guy to fill that void. Rebounds can be healthy, good fun IF, and only if, you aren't relying on them to fill in the "better-half" void. You need to do that yourself- you need to heal yourself until you are comfortable being on your own, and at point then I think you will be ready to feel again.
You'd do yourself a huge disservice by not taking some time to yourself before getting emotionally and spiritually involved again. So regarding this new guy- I'd recommend you have a chat with him and see if he is ok being a friend with benefit, because it sounds like you're not ready for anything else yet.
When will people stop presuming that the ‘other’ party is/was madly in love? He told you he was no longer feeling “madly in love”. Believe him for whatever reason…it will help you to realize that we can’t control the emotions and actions of others. You seem young, so allow me to break radio silence for the femmo middle aged serotonin crowd at MADD: Mothers Attacking Delightful Deserts. If you eat a box of cookies each night, the background music will change from Donna Summer’s, “I Love to Love You, Baby” to Gloria Gaynor’s “I Will Survive”. The old guy is onto something new…be it another lover or being all he can be. Don’t try to be everything to the new guy. They’re not all supposed to be final relationships. Some are needed as a stepping stone to the next place…And fire up the chocolate covered double filled Oreos with a glass of cold 1%. You needed to put on a little sugar, sugar.
You've obviously made no peace. You're deceiving yourself in saying so, and you're deceiving yourself in saying "it was hard for both of us to let go." Your update proves it. It had, by the time you figured things out, become easy for him to let go, only difficult to tell you. Those are hardly the same things. Your relationship with him is history; you'll accept that eventually. You're just not ready yet.
The hardest advice to hear, but the only advice that applies: Time.
Hoss is right. She is deceiving herself.
Meredith is going against her better judgment. Contacting the ex is not the answer. Getting him out of the relationship and out of her life was needed.
She needs to get over him. She needs support and she needs to give herself room and time and not convince herself of what is not there. It isn't about finding true love, it is about making it.
Ramon has a number of thoughts on this matter.
1) Ramon says you should (gently) dump your current guy. People LOSE interest with time, not gain more. If you're not feeling it for him now, it's just going to get worse later. Do him a favor and set him free so he can find someone who will go gaga over him and vice versa.
2) You are not over your ex. Ramon thinks nothing good can come from contacting him again. He's either already seeing someone else (and the news will hurt you), not interested (which will hurt you) or he'll say he missed you, which will cause the two of you to try things again until you breakup again in a few months because nothing has changed (which will hurt you). If getting hurt is the jumpstart you need to feel closure, so be it, but Ramon is not a fan of putting his hand on a hot stove, and he does not see why other people like to do so.
3) Ramon would say that it's time for being alone...and learning to be comfortable and happy with it. Currently, you are rebounding to cover up your pain, which is why you can't feel. Your emotions are pent up won't come forward because you're supressing them. Allow yourself the time and the circumstance to grieve, and your feelings will return. So says the Ramon.
Good luck!
As always loves and kisses and butterflies
Ramon
PS skateboards not roller skates :o)
What you resist, persists and intensifies.
As much as it stinks to feel bad about a relationship that didn't work out ( or possibly even the idea of a relationship that could have worked out), if you don't face those feelings, you are headed for a downhill slide. Eventually things will end with this guy...and before you know it you will have commitment issues.
I agree with the majority. Take a break from your current 'Mr. Should be the right guy' (I think a break is kinder than dumping him - but to be fair to him, don't string him along) - he could be the right guy at the wrong time.
Spend enough time alone to work through those bad feelings you are avoiding. Find hobbies and interests (or even a career choice) that makes you happy. You cannot have a good relationship with anyone else unless you have a good relationship with yourself.
um has rico been reincarnated in ramon??
VOE, given what you've said, I agree with you - I doubt it would do you any good to contact your ex. You broke up because he didn't feel the same anymore. It sounds like you've had a hard time putting aside the fact that you still had feelings for him, but you're getting through it. Even so, it might be hard to hear that he's with someone else, or that, no, his feelings for you have not rekindled.
I think the issue is more with the new guy, and making sure he knows what you are and aren't capable of in a relationship right now. It seems like you want something fun and casual without rushing into something too emotionally heavy. And at 4 months after ending a 2 year relationship, that's probably wise - it does sound a little like you're not completely healed after what sounds like a really difficult breakup.
Maybe a therapist, or at least some quality time with family and friends, would help you get some of your emotional capacity back. If you have a guy who you like and enjoy being with in the meantime, I don't see any reason - for your own sake - why you should decide on principle that you should be single for awhile.
But for his sake, you should be up-front about what you want, and be prepared for the possibility that he might be uncomfortable being the "rebound guy" or might want more emotional investment from you. If that means that this relationship ends and you do end up being single for awhile, enjoy it - see your friends, go on a date now and then, and eventually you'll meet someone who you really do feel something for.
VOE again. Thank you for all the advice, and I am really taking it all in. Thank delilah for backing me up with that guy. Talk about cruel.
I am definitely not going to contact the ex. I agree it will probably do more hurt than help. I really do not think about him that much and I know this will all fade soon. To those who can relate, it helps to know that I am not the only person in this situation.
As for the new guy, it is nothing wicked serious at the moment. We have not even discussed being boyfriend and girlfriend so I am going to give it some more time and see where it leads. I will do my best to spare his feelings. I know that the original letter sounded desperate and depressing but I am really not that sad. I do not mope around or feel bad for myself. I just didn't know if I should try to be friends with the ex, etc. I will leave it alone and WAKE UP. Again, thanks
Maybe you should STOP looking for PASSION right now - and FIND YOUR PASSION in some hobby or activity. Do not ever get OBSESSED by ANY ONE PERSON, PLACE, OR THING.
I don't think you have a problem. Don't over complicate things. If you enjoy spending time with him just keep doing so. You're not going to feel as strongly about someone right off the bat as you did for someone in a long emotional relationship.
These things take time. Don't sweat it and just have fun with it. It's not like you're getting married tomorrow.
VOE set the record for updates. Let's give her a hand...
Okay, now VOE, shhhhhhhhhhhhh....we're trying to do some work here.
VOE said "I told him that if he didnt feel the same way about me that I did about him, I could no longer be in a relationship with him. He said ok and that was the end of the conversation".
Seems the Boyfriend did exactly as he was told and ended relationship.
VOE then explained end of communication between the two with, "This is mainly due to both of us being stubborn and prideful".
WRONG. It's because YOU ALONE tried to manipulate him into doing what you wanted him to do, but he wound up doing exactly what any other guy would have done... he did as he was told and dropped out of sight. You blew this relationship. Accept responsibility and move on. It’s unfortunate you aren’t “feeling anything” right now with the new guy in your life, but this is self-inflicted pain. Live and learn.
Clearly you are going through a phase and need to start the experimental portion of your development. What better way to say thanks to your ex than a few candid pics of your latest 3 way, 4 way or 5way?
VOE, not quite sure why you posted this if you already knew what you were going to do anyway. For real, shut up and get over it. he obviously did not feel the same way you did by the end of the relationship. Stop over-analyzing it and move on.
Getting back to your ex-BF isn't likely to do anything positive. For starters, he's your ex-BF. Ex. Get it? I can tell you for a fact that I'm not interested in helping a woman sort out her emotional problems when I AM trying to sleep with her. He's going to react to your approach as follows: Messy=awkward=complicating=see ya!
"As for the new guy, it is nothing wicked serious at the moment. We have not even discussed being boyfriend and girlfriend so I am going to give it some more time and see where it leads. I will do my best to spare his feelings."
I want to revise my advise based on your follow up. You do not need to wake up, you need to grow up. You have the mentality of a 12 year old. We're not even like wicked serious or anything?!?
Come on now.
My advice is to keep having sex with your new pal that you met at recess and forget about your boyfriend whom you used to walk down to Cumberland Farms with each day after detention let out.
Here's my little story...when I was 19 I spent the summer working out at a lake resort and met my summer boyfriend out there. We lived in the dorms together, spent every waking moment together, worked together, etc. It was fantastic. Then came the end of the summer and I came home to Boston and he stayed out there. This was back in the early 90s when there was no other means of communcation besides a land line and snail mail. So needless to say we had NO contact with each other because it wasn't available to us with the exception of a few letters but it was seriously like WHAM - everyday together and then BAM cold turkey. It was almost shocking to the system.
I went back to school, things we relatively normal but I had NO desire to date anyone else. I was very much still in love with my "x". After about 6 months I started dating someone new. It was OK...we were having fun, but whatever, I didn't really care that much about him and we both ultimately knew we would break up. Well when we did, I FREAKED OUT. I cried hysterically, I was inconsolable it was just really really bad. I was a little confused at first b/c I was like I really don't care about this guy at all WHAT is going on. Then it hit me. These were my emotions about breaking up with my summer guy. I missed him, was heartbroken without him and I never talked about it with anyone b/c I wanted to keep us to me and me alone and I didn't want to share him with anyone. Eventually breaking up with this other guy gave me the outlet that I needed in order to be able to move on from my summer guy. i was able to let go of the emotions that I had not been facing.
So what I think you need is a good freak out over the demise of your past relationship. If you don't have that emotional breakthrough, then you will never be able to move on with someone new. I don't think that contacting him is the right move unless you both think you can handle it. Get yourself to a good place and you will find that you can move on with the right person (which may or may not be the guy you are with now).
Oh and to finish up the story....fast forward 15+ years later, my summer guy and I are occasional email buddies. He's been through a divorce, multiple girlfriends and 2 kids. I'm married with 2 kids. We laugh about the good time we used to have and I counsel him on his relationship woes. We live on 2 different coasts and will probably never see each other again, but that's OK by me.
It is quite simple. Your relationship ended with your ex very recently, without a hint of closure. You're not over it, and you can't fool your emotions. Sorry, you're going to have to ride this one out. It may take another 6 months, maybe a few years to get over it but clearly you aren't there yet.
At some point in the future, it is essential that you talk to your ex or you will NEVER get over it. Closure is rule #1 in getting on with your life (which you are simply not ready for yet), and if you don't get it, you cannot properly move on. Take the lumps. And too bad for the new guy. He doesn't have a chance.
Rico has no equals, just a bunch of imitators. Rico is ok with it as it is the ultimate form of flattery. Rico loves the flattery and says thank you and to the haters, Rico loves you too, maybe even more :)
On to another piece of interesting writing from the original writers follow up...
You wrote:
"As for the new guy, it is nothing wicked serious at the moment. We have not even discussed being boyfriend and girlfriend so I am going to give it some more time and see where it leads. I will do my best to spare his feelings."
What Rico has to say about this and you won't like it:
Rico thinks this is AWFUL. It makes you out to be a slut/whore or whatever word you want to use. If you have not decided to be BF/GF or thought about it being serious than why are you having this great sex with him? You seriously have to be young, stupid, naive, delirious or whatever other adjective you can think of to describe such behavior.
Rico is done for today, he thinks you are ridiculous and need to SERIOUSLY GROW UP. Maybe your parents should shut off your internet access and ground you. Rico assumes you are probably still in HS and just excited to have a guy even look your way. Close your legs and act like a decent person.
Rico is so disgusted right now.
Not feeling the love right now so Rico has to go, See you all tomorrow...
Rico
Good job VOE. To summarize:
1) No contact with ex
2) Move ahead with current and take it as it comes.
Sounds like a plan!
P.S. Join a Wed. chat in a couple of weeks and let us know what's happening!
Warning......
If you call him and he is with someone else. Reality will finally sink in and you will be in worse shape then you are now. Hoss is right. You need to wake up! I had a girlfriend go through the same thing. As soon as she seen her ex (for the first time since the break up) she was googoo eyes. But then him girl showed up and she was curled up in my back seat like a mental patient. She also "thought" she was "at peace with it".
But she got him out of her system and is doing fine. So Mere is right about getting all your feeling out of youR system when it comes to your ex. Just be prepared!
ingest some liberty caps and find yourself again
Holy Crap Rico...now, in addition to being a moron, you are getting nasty.
This girl said she would not contact her ex. You have NO RIGHT to call her the names you are listing in your last post.
I cannot believe the editor of this post would let you say those things.
You cheated on a past love, what gives YOU the right to call someone a whore, or slut or anything related???...Shut your freaking yap and ride your bike...oh and let us know where you will be riding, I want VOE to be riding shotgun in my car to nail you with the passenger door!!!!
Another update from me, VOE:
Oops, so this new guy had a little condom malfunction and I am pregnant but I have this other issue in that I was still having sex with my ex-boyfriend and well he just assumed I was still on the pill and with all the emotions flowing I forgot as well. So my question is what should I do? Do I tell them both they could be my babies daddy? Do I just go and have this pregnancy terminated? I am so confused and if my parents find out I am in so much trouble. And then to top it off I started dating this really nice guy I met from Scituate that has 3 kids and is divorced and he wants to go steady with me. Do I tell him about the baby or just go with the flow and see what happens? I still have feelings for my ex and well this new guy is sooo nice. And by the way I need to mention I am also have herpes and none of them know it, YET.
Just to be totally honest, it could be a couple other guys too since I like to drink and I sometimes find myself having some extra fun with small groups of guys, no more than 4 at a time a couple times a week of course.
Any advice readers?
Sounds like you are both enjoying yourselves until something better comes along. What if he finds his 'Plan B' before you do, are you prepared to handle this? By your own admission, you care too much about a guy's feelings to ascribe to the 'stepping stone' approach to dating. Alvin is right, forget the ex, but as you are passionate, you should confront the new guy with your feelings. Life is far too short to go coasting through, especially with love. He either sticks up for you, or fades away to find 'Plan B.' No one said it was easy. Good luck.
I love you Rico
HELLO..Hello, hello, is there anybody in there?
Let’s just say it loud and proud: You eat the jam from between his toes, lick the sweat from his brow, and rub out the knot in his…back. You taste the salt of his love and the pepper on his tongue. His arrogance bleeds on you like Monterey Jack on nachos. The coolness of his exit hardened your tips ‘til they emerged triumphantly through the thickness of your flannel gown. Your appetite seizes at the thought of his desire and the sound of his rapture. The roundness of your improbable peg will not mesh with your new man’s sadly square hole. And the illusion of your togetherness is surreptitiously dimmed by your elusiveness.
There is no pain, you are receding.
Reading this just reminds me of my firecracker friend E. who was always looking for passion and fireworks, and kept wandering why her relationships never worked. After a very long and painful breakup with her on again/off again ex, she finally realized that she was hanging onto some silly romanticized ideals and that she actually wanted love not just passion. So she went on a few dates, and eventually met a very nice man who makes her happy. So forget about your ex. Write down what qualities you want in a mate, what are the deal breakers, and where you hope to be 5, 10, 20 years from now. And go for it.
What have you got to lose? Your pride. One year then moved 4 hours away.....very hard to maintain a relationship. Many of us have been through this situation, and I'm telling the truth, although it may hurt, that if he was interested in knowing how you are doing, he'd call or write. Give yourself some space, have a good time and put the ex-relationship in it's proper place and proper perspective. Don't try to re-create the ex-relationship with this new guy, they are different and you are different with him, I'm sure. Enjoy life, be open to new experiences and tuck the old relationship into a little corner of your heart. Good luck.
#69 - Summerlovin' -
No one puts Baby in the corner...
VOE - I agree with #72. You're on track with a good plan. We women do tend to over-analyze everything. Just go with the flow and enjoy time with the current boy. You're not leading him on if you haven't had any discussion as to where things will lead. Thanks for clarifying some things in the comments. That definitely helps!
As a side note, there are times when I think Boston really doesn't deserve it's rep for having rude people. Then I come here, read the comments, and realize it's totally deserved. Man, some of you are really miserable! How's that workin' out for ya?
Their is a myth in our society about "closure". Some things do not heal over like flesh wound. They hurt forever.
People who suggest you seek closure are suggesting you "get over it". It some cases this is easy to do.
In other cases you'll feel pain every day for the rest of your life. Sorry, but that's how life is.
Personally I am glad Rico wrote what he did and it got posted. He is 100% right and if you hit him on his bike I'd back him up. Chances are if he bikes as good as he says you probably couldn't hit him and if you did he'd probably get up and break your neck. You are a moron, the poster is a tramp and Rico is a genious. You people rip Rico, Paco, and Ramon all day and have nothing constructive to say. Get a life you loser.
Hey Rico, I'll be your wingman anytime. Where do you ride?
VOE, have you tried yoga? It's helpful for resolving unresolved stuff.
Tricia wrote:
"I had lunch with an ex (I dated him for a year and we broke up just over a year ago) a couple of months ago and it was great. "
Are you the same Tricia that we know? If so, did this "lunch" include a bong? *grin*
Teen pregnancy is nothing to joke about VOE.
You know what's so funny about the "fans of Rico" postings? They are posted by Rico, under pseudonyms!
VOE,
It takes a long time to get over a strong love. For me, it takes years. Now, that doesn't mean that I didn't date and have fun during that time. Give yourself time. Don't expect too much of yourself for this new guy. You are not going to love everyone you date. That's why when it happens, it's special.
My mom told me that you don't marry the great love of your life. Another person told me that love doesn't last, but compatabiity does. Like (as opposed to love) is very important, too. Personally, I think you fall in and out of love with someone several times over the course of a marriage or relationship. It is not possible to sustain love at the same rate all the time.
Anyway, take the time you need to grieve the relationship. Personally, I couldn't start dating until many months after, because I did feel the numbness you describe. But you will love again. Maybe not with this guy, but with another.
Good luck.
you want him to say he misses you and wants you back. forget it. move on. don't call him. he broke up with you. guys never need to 'get their heads together.' just relax and enjoy the new guy.
.......i have become comfortably numb
You say that it was hard for both of you to move on, but it sounds like he moved on just fine and you are the one that is still stuck on him.
You just need to let go. Contacting him won't help. You just need to get over it. That's all.
Just get over it. It WILL take time, but you need to consciously MOVE ON with your life. Get some new hobbies. Make some new friends. Just get out and do things on your own. You're single. Instead of wondering about how he is doing in life, it's time to start living your own.
I think that sometimes writing something down and trying it out helps us understand if something feels "right" or not. Clearly, you are not at peace with the breakup based on the update you provided. You were being rejected and it was painful and you lashed back. Now, through lack of communication with your ex, the past is unresolved.
Do what you need to do to reach closure with your ex, but also be honest and communicate with the new guy that the other wound is not as clean as you thought it was so it is not healing correctly and you need to do that. Hopefully he will understand that it will be beneficial for all no matter the outcome. Good luck.
A comment on the commenters: It's fine to be direct and tell the hard truth, but no need to be nasty about it.
And re the poster's situation: I don't think it matters whether you contact the old BF or not. I agree with many writers that it would help to get some closure on that relationship, but whether or not the ex is part of the conversation, you getting closure is up to you.
Emotional numbness can be a sign of depression. It can also be a sign of hurting so much that you get yourself to stop feeling anything at all. Does this pain all come from the recent breakup? Or was that the last straw, a trigger for yet earlier pain?
This is what therapy is for. I recommend it.
VOE,
Stop acting like you don't care about him, like it's not a big deal. If it's not a big deal, you would not have taken the effort to write to this blog!
Also, VOE-imp, that was classic, but you need to put "imp" on the end of your moniker. Otherwise, you'll get in trouble and your comedic genius will get tossed out as harassment or something. But that was nice. Very reminiscent of craigslist banter.
Eeee-gads! I do not think Meridith could be anymore wrong! Dear Lord, what insanely backwards advice! Do NOT heed it! Trust me! From someone older, with lots of experience in the love department, many relationships, both intense, rebound, deep love, fun lust, I've had it all....trust me on this one...there is nothing to be gained by going backwards! Not a thing. You've got four months behind you in your journey to something new. Dear Lord, do not turn back now! Sorry, Mer, but horrible advice! My Dear Poster, you are in mourning. Let her mourn in peace for God's sake! This world of instant this, instant that, she's been starting a new life for a whole four months and you're making her feel like there is something wrong with her. Shame on you, people! You're OK, honey! I've had these periods. It's for a REASON, and when your 'feelings' come around again, you'll understand. Your breakup was " a long time coming"...let me guess. Lots of drama, lots of pain. Right? You have "no regrets". You sound pretty sure of yourself, and I bet, you've got a very good reason for that. I also expect, during that 'long time coming' you experienced plenty of 'feeling' didnt you? Bad feelings. Am I right? Well, this is your time off. You're heart isn't going to leap to another person and THAT'S FINE! In fact, here's the shocker, it's incredibly HEALTHY. When you have a really ugly breakup it can take up to a year to truly feel yourself again and that is FINE! Numbness is a defensive reaction to your heart to have everyone stay away while your heart heals. This guy, he's fun, he makes you smaile. Perfect. That's what you need. GIve your heart a break. You'll find yourself more carefree and more willing to put yourself outthere when you're ready. Dont rush it. When you're ready to really feel something, you'll find yourself breaking up with him, or feeling more for him. Until then, enjoy his smile and enjoy some peace while your wounds heal. I actually find you to be extremely level headed and strong in your affairs. Good for you. A good many women should be so strong. You're not only going to be fine, before you know it, you're going to be fabulous. Good luck. Take care.
Nice to hear Rico finally letting off some steam. I would've made "Mt. Vasuvius" seem like a burp a long, long, long, while ago. We are all entitled to be here - to give our points of view - NOT TO BE SCRUTINIZED BY EVERY PETE, DICK, AND NOT HARRY.
omg... we have some nasty posters. people ask questions to get advice, not be torn apart. sometimes we may think their question is petty or stupid but lets not get vicious.
So I am thinking that I will send an email of sorts, be the bigger person, and say hello-----No! no! no! no! No! No! No! ....did I say 'no" yet??????? NO! WHY do women do this???? He said he DOESN"T WANT YOU!!!! That hurts, but DEAL with it!!!!! DEAL WITH IT! Do NOT call him! You HAVE your answer on him! HE DOESN'T WANT YOU!!!!! Feel numb if you must. It takes a while to get over someone. Months. Maybe a year. So take that time and do it. Get over him. Do NOT call him! You say pride is foolish? hogwash! Pride is SMART! Pride is your self worth telling you "if he wanted him, he come and get me" and your pride is RIGHT!!!! you are having a hard time getting over him. Yeah, that happens. Sucks, but see it through. Keep moving forward. In time, it will happen, you will look back and wonder why you were so hooked on him, how little he had to offer you, how insulting it is to be running after someone who wont run after you. your first instinct is RIGHT! you said you did NOT regret it. Then DONT! Stop looking back. there is nothing there for you.
VOE, read your updates. You sound like you have a VERY good head on your shoulders. You had a weak moment. That's ok, dear. Happens sometimes. You are right about NOT connecting with the ex. Good girl. Cut yourself some slack. Enjoy your rebound guy. Be good to you, in the emmotional department as well. Dont worry where the rebound guy is going or doing or anything. just enjoy for a while. You've earned it. You're doing fine, my dear, you are. You sound like you have a very good head on your shoulders. VEry impressed you did cut so clean. That shows you are a strong girl with some pride and my dear, that is good. Very good. You wont allow yourself to a be doormat. Very good. Keep that up. Your love will come in time. Until then, relax, enjoy. Remember, life is what happens to us while we're busy making other plans. Good luck!
this one's too easy.
call your ex
meet for drinks
hook up
feel guilty
leave your new guy
repeat
Well this one was a big dud. On to tomorrow. Come on Meredith, I'm sure you get letters from people with real problems, please don't post any more from silly little girls.
Sally, Poster 89 - you DO know that post numer 78 was not actually written by VOE right? It was written by one of the schmucks who post the hate messages. I agree with poster 96, 100, etc. Why do some people have to be mean in this blog? VOE wrote looking for advice, not a flamethrower. You people (children?) don't offer constructive advice, you must get some kind of gratuitous thrill out of anonymously crapping on folks, and you come off looking like an AH. If you can't play nice, stay at home and whack off or something. Jeesh.
I think that you did not grieve the loss of your prior relationship so you went emotionally numb. That was your "survival" tactic to get through the loss and pain. Now that you find yourself in another relationship, albeit a "re-bound", your emotional health is still in survival mode.
Until you are willing to experience your sadness, grief and loss, you will be an emotional captive. I would suggest that you do that with a professional therapist and forget about contacting your ex. It doesn't matter if he thinks about you or why he broke it off with you. It matters what you think about yourself and your future. Get the shovel and start digging!
Rico,
How cruel you are, to someone in pain, yet. And calling names? What century are you living in? This is why you'll never get your own advice column, as much as you want it. The only "whore" around here is the whorish words coming out of your mouth.
I thought Meredith gave EXCELLENT - RIGHT ON THE MONEY advice. I think it is odd not to have one conversation after a breakup especially after two years. Breaking up (from a serious relationship) tends to be a series of mini breakups until both have reached rocked bottom. I agree with Meredith, give him a call, check in and tell him why you are calling. That you understand and have accepted the breakup but you have been feeling numb and perhaps the way you both ended it has something to do with it. Good luck.
VOE, I have been there before and I hope you find your way to happiness again. I went to see a psychologist for six months after a break-up of a really intense relationship. I felt like a walking shell for months until I could finally work up the courage to do what made me happy. I didn't date for a while, but I threw myself into my school work and my two wonderful best friends, traveled to Europe, and have taken away the lessons from that time. Please don't see this time as a waste, I wouldn't give it back for the world, I learned so much about myself. I hope you do too! Best of luck!
I agree with Rico on this one
When dealing with any kind of loss, I don't believe there is such a thing as "closure". It would be nice of you could just seal some experiences and feelings forever, but it doesn't work that way. However I DO think there is acceptance,and peace, and the willingness to turn the page/move on.
Contacting the ex is not the way to get there, nor is jumping into another relationship.
I agree that you should not contact your ex.
And I do think it is ok to pursue the new relationship. Enjoy the gift. And be willing to give it time without analyzing it. You don't have to know where it is going for awhile. Just show up and enjoy! You never know what might happen...
Void,
Give yourself a break. You were in love and he did not feel the same way, and that is hard. You also never really grieved. You need to take time for you. You are numb right now with grief, and you probably closed yourself off whether consciously or unconsciously. Do things for you, date and give yourself time. Once you get over it, you will feel again, I promise.
You're probably just not really into wanting a relationship right now. It's OK to be single without wanting, or needing, to be in a relationship despite all the messages that we are bombarded with constantly. I remember breaking it off with a longtime boyfriend when, like you, we had just grown apart. I spent the next year of my life happily not dating anyone, not really on purpose, but that I just didn't pursue it. I had other things to do. I had a blast with my friends, traveled a bit, and ironically met the man who would become my husband just over a year later. The point is that deep down, despite the new guy's good qualities, you probably just don't want to be bothered right now, and that's OK.
VOE...there's a reason you broke up. I was with someone for 11 years (we were jr high, HS and college sweethearts), I broke up with him 6 weeks before our wedding (I won't even get into it, but to say it involved me walking in on him in a "compromising" situation), and it took time before I got over it. Yes, after a while we did have the "closure" conversation. It was more for me, than for him. I think that he did it for the same reason I didn't try and work it out. To to be honest, I didn't care how he felt).
BUT beforehand I had a talk with my closest friends, told them to be brutally honest with me and I made a list of the pros and cons of being with him. I think that was harder than the actual break-up.
You're not ready for that yet. You're still in love with him. I can relate. It's hard to walk away from someone you've opened your heart and soul to. I can relate.
Granted, I'll always love my ex fiancee, we actually go out to dinner every month or so and I'm the godmother to his first born. But I'm not IN LOVE with him anymore, we just share special memories, as friends do. It took a long time for me to get to that point, but we did. But it took time. You're not there yet. The wounds are too fresh. If anything, just emal him something stupid, something that's you. Don't expect a response, you probably won't get one. But work on yourself.
As for this new guy, give him a chance.
grieve. you need to grieve the loss of your former relationship to get back your feeling self. find ways to remember the way you felt about your ex, relive the initial feelings of love, let yourself feel the sadness of the long denouement.
your feelings will come back. but when you shut off one valve, it all starts flowing. break-ups are painful even when they are right, and you have to let yourself feel the pain in order to start anew.
Rico needs to stop talking in the third person. It's annoying. He also needs to stop posting under other handles in a pathetic attempt to manufacture a fan base.
Meredith hit it right on the head.
To use an over-used term, you need closure.
I got in touch with a guy I dated 9 years after the final breakup. Man, did that clear my head of him forever! I should have done it sooner!
You were madly in love with each other - you grew apart over the 2 years you were together - you broke up, as it was time to do that - you are at peace with that - now you can't feel any emotion. Are those the things the writer said?
You are NOT at peace with it. But NO, don't contact your ex. This is not his problem and he doesn't deserve to be required to have a discussion with an ex girlfriend whom he already broke up with. Leave him aloneand find someone to talk to - yourself, a friend, a therapist - to find and express your disappointment over the broken relationship. It's sad, it's scary, it's lonely maybe, it's lots of things that you have to say out loud and feel for awhile. Let this new guy go unless it's super casual and just a means to be with other people rather than alone.
Rico posts under one name RICO, not anyother "handles" Rico will keep posting in third person and will continue to annoy you but he also will be appreciated by others. If you have issue with that then you should seek therapy. Rico thinks anyone that gets upset over how someone else verbalizes on a blog needs to get help. This is a BLOG for people to comment about the article, not how Rico posts in third person or how some other person may have been rude etc...Freedom of speech is a right we have in the Constitution and Rico will exercise his right when and how he wants to.
Rico says: Enjoy what rico writes today, he'll be looking forward to posting.
Love always,
Rico
I do not think Meredith is saying to go back with the ex, she is simply saying to call him. I think calling him will resolve a few issues for VOE.
As for the guy you are with, you need to set the record straight with him. There is something about him you enjoy (other than sex) otherwise you wouldn't be with him. What attracted you to him? Start there! As Meredith mentioned, this is a new relationship, let it grow. Or maybe you shouldn't be in the relationship at all because you have too many unresolved issues.
The idea that you should not talk to an ex after the breakup is a strange one, except in extreme circumstances. In your case, both of you probably have a bit of processing to do to come to terms and move past your relationship. Not talking to each other is leaving all kinds of things unsaid that could be good for you both to talk about as you continue to move on with your life with your new relationship.
I think Meredith purposefully gave bad advice on this one to drum up comments to hit her 10,000 comments mark. I've never heard such bad, cacamamie advice.
Your numbness is a stage in a grieving process of sorts. It's an important stage, too. If you contact him, you'll have to go ALL the way back to square one. Sounds like you are looking for any excuse to contact him and that you still want to rekindle. It's hard, but you will have to continue to have no contact. His being in the military should hopefully help.