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A doomed vacation romance

Posted by Meredith Goldstein  July 2, 2009 09:59 AM

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Do vacation romances ever last?

Q: I met this guy while vacationing in the Virgin Islands who was working for the National Parks as a lifeguard on St. Johns and we hit it off from the beginning. I hung out with him the rest of the week on my vacation, visited him again when he invited me down, and he also made a trip to come see me in Boston. Now, I'm not a fan of long-distance relationships and to be honest, never considered us in a relationship ... we were "just having fun" with no strings attached, especially since he was going through a divorce at the time and left his wife and child behind for a life on the islands.

When he returned to the states, he asked -- better yet, begged me to come down and visit him in the OBX. We agreed on the dates even though he kept insisting I come visit earlier so he could see me sooner.

Anyhow, the week before I was supposed to leave to visit him, he was becoming more and more distant, harder to get a hold of and only texted back one-word answers. I asked him what was up and he said nothing. A few days before I was supposed to leave, he just quit talking to me all together. I left messages, texted him, AND sent him an email ... sounds psycho, right? Well, I guarantee you that I am not but I wanted to know what the hell happened.

To make a long story short, I never made the trip and never heard from him again even as I continued to try and get a hold of him. Most people would say, "Forget the guy, he's a dirtbag," but I can't let this go. Why did he do that to me? I know for a fact that he is alive and well so nothing happened to him but why couldn't he tell me that he didn't want to see me again or whatever the explanation is. I am still haunted by this whole scenario.

Confused-as-all-hell-Gal, Cambridge

A: CAAHG, I'm picturing your guy as Paul Rudd in “Forgetting Sarah Marshall.” Sun visor. Shaggy hair. Surf board. Wait … let’s get a visual.


I’m just throwing out guesses here but … maybe the wife came back? Maybe the child came back? Maybe he met another cute vacationer?

The crumby thing about this one is that you had it in perspective. Your expectations were appropriately managed and he demanded more. Quite confusing. And annoying.

I guess this type of selfish behavior is all you can expect from a guy who ditches his wife and kid for a “life on the island.” As for why he did this to you, well, you said it best -- he’s a dirtbag. This is what dirtbags do.

I know it’s easier said than done, but assume you dodged a bullet. Start saving for your next vacation. Maybe Barcelona? Paris? If you’re going to meet a cute jerk, he should at least have a great accent.

Sorry, though. I hope you didn’t lose money on the trip you didn’t get to take.

Readers? Agree? We’re about 500 comments away from 10,000 (yes, I was overexcited on Tuesday and jumped the gun by mentioning it). Share your thoughts here (and please include your own vacation romance stories. I want to live vicariously.). Twitter here. If you’re bored at work, take my Love Letters quiz here.

-- Meredith

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135 comments so far...
  1. He probably has a new fling and there isn't room for you now. It stinks but it's probably better to let it go and move on. If you lost money on a ticket to go see him you should send him a bill as a final goodbye..

    Posted by techdood July 2, 09 10:54 AM
  1. He ditched his wife and kid for a time on the islands. That says it all.

    Most likely he met another cute young woman down on the islands after you left and is now courting her, so he has no time to meet you in OBX.

    Posted by Mikey "Insane" Monkeypants July 2, 09 10:56 AM
  1. I spent my summers in college as a lifeguard in an ocean resort town (I am female, and was one of about 10 girls in a group of 80 guys) and I can tell you absolutely 100% that you were nothing more than a fling for him. The guys I worked with, ALL of them, literally had a new girl every week. Saturday was check-in day and by Sunday all of them had a new gal pal for the week. By Friday they were wrapping things up with "I promise I'll call, etc." and then Saturday would come and the process was repeated, for the entire summer. I'm not saying that this guy didn't like you, and maybe he was looking for a relationship at first, but he must have realized that the distance was too much to handle. That, coupled with his ex-wife and child situation should be a no-brainer to figure out. He is a jerk! You seem like a nice person and I wish you the best of luck in finding someone a bit more local. Next time you're on vacation just relax and enjoy yourself - and don't give out your phone number!

    Posted by cn82 July 2, 09 11:04 AM
  1. Sounds to me like he needed a break from his wife and after he got it out of his system they got back together.

    Posted by doubtful July 2, 09 11:06 AM
  1. He did it because he either wasn't interested anymore or just moved on to something (someone) else and wasn't man enough to just come right out and say it. It IS crummy behavior, but I say good riddance. You seemed to have a realistic sense of what this relationship was really all about - "just having fun, no strings attached"....I'd view it as fun while it lasted, moving right along...

    Posted by bumbly-bee July 2, 09 11:07 AM
  1. CAAHG -
    You're better than this. He's obviously a coward and can't say what his radio silence says loud and clear. Would you like to konw "why"? Of course we all want to know the "why" but it just doesn't work that way. Go out and have fun. Get some drinks in and get after the good times.

    Posted by mc July 2, 09 11:10 AM
  1. Ummm…where’s the part of the letter that asks for advice?

    Closest thing I could find to the point of all this was: “I can't let this go. Why did he do that to me?”

    My answer: Wake up. You have no choice but to let it go. Frankly, you’ve already tried to hunt him down enough. Yes, you do sound psycho. Move on. You’ve spent a total of what, less than 3 weeks with this guy and you yourself said it was agreed that it was a ‘no strings attached / just having fun’ scenario? Did you forget that part? Don’t make more of it than it needs to be. Dude owes you no closure. Stop pulling strings.

    p.s. OBX (i.e. the Outer Banks of North Carolina to the uninformed) rocks! I’ve vacationed there many times. I highly recommend all uptight Love Letters readers, egomaniacal bike proponents, and hostesses rent a house there, drive over the Wright Brothers Bridge, hit a Brew Thru (drive thru beer store) and ABC to stock up, and then pretend you’re at a Buffet concert (minus the obese, middle aged housewives and accountants with shorts and dark socks on) for the week.

    To quote Diamond Dave: “I got a drink in my hand, got my toes in the sand, all I need….”

    - Hoss

    Posted by Hoss July 2, 09 11:10 AM
  1. At Best: You were a "Rebound Chick" after his Divorce, or the "Make the Wife Jealous" bait. But most likely you were just another dumb tourist he boned, and you had something "more" that he wanted. What was his agenda? Who knows, and it is irrelevant to speculate; either you didn't really have what he thought you had, or more likely he found some both better looking smarter and wealthier (remember, plenty of guys are Gold Diggers too!). Maybe he was a con-artist, and you dodged a bullet; but most likely he is a Loser who ditched his wife and, and you are a bigger loser for thinking there was a future there. Wow, Lifeguard? Sure thing, now that is a guy with a "Future"!!! Bimbo...

    Posted by DudeGuyKidDudeGuy666 July 2, 09 11:13 AM
  1. What I'm confused about is why you seem so hurt by this, Confused-as-Hell. You said yourself that this was not a relationship, it was a no-strings thing, and that he was definitely *not* a keeper. It's annoying as hell that he blew you off after waxing all wine and roses, don't get me wrong. And sure, it's downright rude that he stopped communicating right before you were supposed to meet him--jeez, you were going to have plane tickets and everything. But really, was the sex *that* good? You knew from the start he was nothing but a bit of disposable fun, why all the calls and texting, especially after the departure date, when he showed himself to be such a flake?

    It's a hard truth, but there are men and women out there that can't even have a NS fling without tossing around romantic BS because they think that's what they're supposed to do/say.

    Just be glad you never took him seriously (good LORD you didn't did you???) and recognized him for what he was--good for a bit (and I mean a *bit*) of fun but nothing more.

    Posted by PM July 2, 09 11:14 AM
  1. I think he got OB-ORED with you. Or maybe he just didn't like the though of having to visit you in CMB. You're right, he's a DB and a DB. Just count your blessings you didn't get an STD. Get OI and MO. You're giving me a HA.

    Posted by Sally July 2, 09 11:18 AM
  1. Oww whatta jerk. He sounds like a horrible person with the emotional range of a 12 year old. After reading todays comments, do your best to try and forget about him. You may never find out the real reason why he got distant and pulled a disappearing act. The real reason doesnt truly matter. What he did was pretty unforgivable. You may get an awkward e-mail from him in a few weeks and it will probably go along the lines of "I'm really sorry for being such a jerk. My ex-wife and I started talking again and I didn't know what to say to you. blah blah blah..." Dust yourself off and move on. There are more fishies in the sea.

    Posted by trueluv4eva July 2, 09 11:18 AM
  1. The US Virgin Islands are filled with people who ran away from the mainland for a while and for various reasons. Most of these folks could not handle a full run away to a place like Costa Rica or Panama. Forget him...

    Posted by barco July 2, 09 11:21 AM
  1. He got the tests back from the doctor and found out what you gave him?

    Posted by X July 2, 09 11:22 AM
  1. Sounds to me like you are not a NSA kind of gal - even though you wanted to be in this case. It also sounds like you are pretty honest and up front and assume that others will treat you as you treat them.

    You can't let this guy go in your head because you are wired to get emotionally involved with guys you sleep with. And when this guy kept things going afer the vacation, you let your guard down and believed some of the BS this guy was slinging. I think that is what you are upset about - that your own radar was wrong.

    I wish there was a way to see this kinds of dishonesty up front, but when you sleep with someone you just met, these things happen. (Of course the 'friends first' route can have it's own drama too....at least you had a fun vacation)

    Guys will often pull back when they sense things are getting real. He (selfishly) didn't want to tell you what was up because it would be uncomfortable *for him* to tell you he wasn't feeling it with you. Good riddance!!!

    Posted by older and wiser July 2, 09 11:29 AM
  1. Boo hoo.

    You want to know why? Why he didn't respond to your relentless phone calls, texts, emails, smoke signals, GPS tracking device?

    Because it was a vacation fling.

    Remember now?

    Advice: Don't go on any more vacations. Ever.

    Posted by Bob Dwyer July 2, 09 11:35 AM
  1. RE: #7, In Hoss' world, all women are created for man's pleasure and "owe no closure". Then again, Hoss is really probably a shut in living a fantasy life through these love letters who did a quick Google of OBX prior to his response.

    I'm sorry this happened to you. If he could have manned up and told you the truth, you could have just dropped it for the mutually fun fling it sounds like it should have been. Instead, you happened to connect with a scumbag coward, who probably never had plans to leave his wife. There's nothing to be done now except reflect and look for lessons to be learned. In time your frustration will fade.

    Posted by yikes July 2, 09 11:37 AM
  1. I had a similar experience - although it wasn't vacation related. I started dating a man who I thought was great. He seemed so in to me! I got flowers after our first date (and no, I didn't 'earn' them) and we quickly fell into multiple texts, emails, and phone calls every day. We dated for about 6 weeks - during which time I was showered with flowers and complimented frequently - we had a really fun time together. After our last date, a fun event that ran late, we had our first sleep-over. He experienced some performance anxiety ....... I was as reassuring as I could be and did my best not to take it personally. We said very nice goodbyes in the morning and he raced off for work. We continued to talk regularly. We made plans for a Newport day trip for the upcoming weekend. He was supposed to pick me up at noon. We spoke at 10am and all was well.

    He never showed up. He didn't respond to my call or text. A couple of days later I sent him an email asking for an explanation of his piss-poor behavior and didn't hear back.

    Fast forward 10 months later. I get an “I’m sorry” email. 10 months! My curiosity beat out my hurt pride and I emailed him back. Got a ‘I wasn’t ready for a relationship’ story, cold feet, not me it was him etc. He asked if we could talk again and maybe go out. He regretted what he had lost. I declined, but I really do believe it was him not me.

    Not sure there’s a moral to my story, just wanted to share in the confusion. Good luck to the LW - I bet its nothing personal and just a reflection of that man's poor character.

    Posted by Monty July 2, 09 11:38 AM
  1. Rico's thought before a long weekend:

    Rico thinks Cocktails and Dreams...Costa Rica is a great place to visit, the Hot Springs at the Tabecon are amazing. Monkey's Aligators, beautiful lush scenery and amazing Birds. Hmmmm Rico wants to go back again real soon, he misses it.

    Ahhh Rico digresses...Rico thinks you were out of your mind living a dream and now you have woken up to reality. He is going through a divorce, left his wife and child and went to the islands to mix drinks. Rico doesn't need to analyze this any further. If it looks like a loser and it acts like a loser it is probably a loser.

    Think on the bright side, his divorce is going to cost him more than the lost money on a flight to the islands. You got off cheaply and still have your life ahead of you.


    Rico wishes all a wonderful weekend/Holiday. Be safe and get out and enjoy the weather if you can.

    Love always,


    Sunshine on a rainy day....

    Posted by Rico July 2, 09 12:01 PM
  1. I met a guy once in FL while I was visiting my parents. Good looking, had a PhD in a field I was familiar with, charming, etc. He pushed really hard to come visit me in Boston when I got back and I did a little research on him. I was suspicious that he was a con man who only went after me because he assumed I was rich. I was recently divorced from a wealthy individual, and my folks had told him that. I refused to let him visit me and harsh words were exchanged. Next year, when I visited my folks again I asked around for him. He was serving time in a Texas prison for bilking women for lots of money. You got away easy. Time to move on, count your blessings, and find someone worthy, not someone who would abandon a wife and child.

    Posted by J Bar July 2, 09 12:12 PM
  1. One more thing:

    Next time, snoop around for any wedding invites, rehearsal dinner invites, cancelled checks, unattended moments with his wallet / cell phone, so you can find out contact information. This needs to be done because the ninnies in the Love Letters comment section will encourage you to email him, email his ex-wife, his child, his trash collector, etc. in order to besmirch his reputation and exact your revenge. You must have forgot the closing part of your letter which originally read "Whats up with guys?" Oh, and be sure to be ready for lectures about STDs and other 1950's style health educational propaganda.

    As for me, I'm looking forward to a holiday weekend of beers, bottle rockets, roman candles, and hopefully a couple of servings of grilled cheese sandwiches.

    Happy 4th!

    Pistons not pedals!

    - Hoss

    Posted by Hoss July 2, 09 12:17 PM
  1. Yikes,

    No strings attached vacation flings by definition, don't involve the need for closure and / or an explanation when (NOT IF) it ends suddenly.

    Sorry for trying to discuss a concept that exceeds your 4th grade comprehension skills.

    p.s. Glad to see the sexism continues. He's a "scumbag coward" for not ending a mutually agreed upon NSA fling properly?!? More like, she's in denial over what this truly was and fell way over her head. Sorry, but she knew what she was getting in to and can't moan and groan about it when it ended in a way she didn't find to her liking.

    Bring it!!!

    Posted by Hoss July 2, 09 12:27 PM
  1. Hoss has a point here. What did you need advice about? Are you hoping he will get all Tom Cruise in Cocktails on you? Good luck with that.

    My vacation "romance" was a intended to be a fling and should have stayed that way. I met the guy when I was in College and working on the Cape for the summer. The relationship ended up going on 21 months longer than it should have and I finally realized it one day and ended it as soon as I did. I was totally honest with the guy and made a clean break. It was hard but the right thing to do. Some people seriously need to grow a pair and just deal with their crap.

    Posted by bostowyo July 2, 09 12:28 PM
  1. This guy has no Ba!!s!!!!! He's a coward not only for not returning your call/emails/texts and tell you he's not up to your planned vacation but also for running away to the islands from his x-wife and kid in the first place. That should have been the first sign that he can't face responsibilities. He didn't even have to tell you anything to your face, you're thousands of miles away. Jerk!!
    All you wanted was an explanation and some closure ...Totally understandable. Doesn't anyone have common curtesy for other people anymore...Apparently not this "beach BUM". It sucks but you're better off..

    Posted by bgcomreader July 2, 09 12:28 PM
  1. “Chew and Screw” Haiku

    Hasselhoff wooing
    Am I notched on his longboard?
    He only hung three

    Posted by valentino July 2, 09 12:29 PM
  1. Forget about him being a dirtbag, what about you? What does this say about your character?

    As soon as you learned of his pending divorce and abandoned child it should have been "adios". That you continued to pursue him is despicable. Maybe you should move down there with him, you two do seem to be a match made in heaven.

    Posted by Brett July 2, 09 12:40 PM
  1. I could be brutally honest but I won't.

    Kindly honest: he's just not that into you... A guy I dated pulled some distant crap on me and when I questioned him on it he told me he wasn't sure he was in love with me. I wasn't sure I was in love with him! We were on the same page, thank God... But anyway, what I learned is guys distance themselves for a freaking reason. I am not dating the man I mention here anymore and I am glad because we were not right for each other.

    I hope you find a local man who is honorable and everything you've been waiting for...

    Posted by Amazed aka Amazing Abbey July 2, 09 12:46 PM
  1. hey...Just be happy that your biggest Romantic problem/question!!
    NOW< go out and rip it up for the fourth..and forget the past!!!!
    live in the moment!!

    Posted by lise July 2, 09 12:49 PM
  1. You got it, toots - he's a dirtbag and you should let it go at that. Sounds like the restless, responsibility-phobic sort - got bored with his wife, thought a new life as a beach bum sounded easier. Met you, and sure he liked you. I bet he liked his wife a lot, and his kid too. And I'm sure he liked that chick he met after you, and the one he's probably moved onto after her, and so forth.

    So why can't you let it go? Are you just insulted and a little hurt that a guy who you thought was into you dropped you so quickly? You have every right to be pissed, but it sounds like you sort of knew how little you could expect of him. Or maybe, as #14 said, NSA turned out to be too much for you - it's hard not to get attached to someone you sleep with, dirtbag or not. If the real reason you can't let it go is that you got more attached than you meant to, then - no offense - you should remember this experience the next time you're tempted to 'just have fun' with someone.

    Posted by Liz July 2, 09 12:55 PM
  1. #25, hmm, good point! Her story story should be more asking on advice like "How can I stop being a Dumb Skank who likes to fall down on any penis attached to a pathetic man-child who ditches his wife and kid to run away to a desert island like he is some overgrown Peter Pan?". Or something like that...

    Posted by DudeGuyKidDudeGuy666 July 2, 09 12:56 PM
  1. Yeah hes a complete jerk, but let it go!!

    My advice: Forget him, and the next time you are on vacation and have a fling, don't extend it beyond the vacation! Yeah, vacation sex is great, but leave him with the island. Why fly down to see someone you just met?! Nuts.

    What happens on vacations needs to STAY on vacation.

    Posted by yeahhh July 2, 09 01:02 PM
  1. I think that what you can't let go is your disappointment in yourself for letting yourself down for getting involved. It is very difficult for women to have sex with a man, and not get attached on some level. Google oxytocin, and see what sleeping with men does to us, even normal healthy, women. Were you being honest with yourself that this was no strings attached? I had one ever vacation fling with the cutest guy from England (we still keep in touch as friends only), and even though I chose to have a no promises deal, I spent time pining for someone who isn't right for me, and does not even live in the same country as I do. Men have the good fortune to have testosterone, which reduces oxytocin so that they can kiss and move on. We don't. It is easier not to play with fire.

    Posted by Posey July 2, 09 01:06 PM
  1. I think that what you can't let go is your disappointment in yourself for letting yourself down for getting involved. It is very difficult for women to have sex with a man, and not get attached on some level. Google oxytocin, and see what sleeping with men does to us, even normal healthy, women. Were you being honest with yourself that this was no strings attached? I had one ever vacation fling with the cutest guy from England (we still keep in touch as friends only), and even though I chose to have a no promises deal, I spent time pining for someone who isn't right for me, and does not even live in the same country as I do. Men have the good fortune to have testosterone, which reduces oxytocin so that they can kiss and move on. We don't. It is easier not to play with fire.

    Posted by Posey July 2, 09 01:14 PM
  1. Vacation romance story for Meredith - My husband and I met at Waterworks in Quincy while he was in the last week of his 2 week vacation. We met on a Saturday night, had our first "date" on Monday night and ended up spending the rest of the week together until I drove him to the airport on Thursday. 2 months later I was flying to Ireland to stay with him for a week. The second night there he asked me to marry him (Soooo fast, I know!). We traveled back and forth for the next year and a half, did the fiance' visa thing (so it was legal - INS). We were married 16 months after we first met. We now have been married for 9 1/2 years and have a gorgeous 4 1/2 year old son. Sometimes vacation romances do work, as long as you both want the same things.

    CAAHG - sorry for your experiance. Try an Irish man next time ;)

    Posted by Happily married vacation romancer July 2, 09 01:18 PM
  1. RE: 21 Hoss, it's not that you were discussing " a concept that exceeds (my) 4th grade comprehension skills", rather it's that you still think of sex and relationships like any high school boy...a "what's in it for me is all that counts" attitude. Yes, you are smarter than everyone else, have been everywhere, and have done everything. Hooray for you.

    Do you endorse the way he ended it? Is that something you would do? String someone along and then just avoid all contact?

    Someday you will understand that no one is buying your braggadocio. Enjoy your (probably paid for) grilled cheese.

    Posted by yikes July 2, 09 01:20 PM
  1. Just so I understand correctly.....
    You had an extended fling with a MARRIED guy you met while on vacation?
    And you want to know why he won't return your non-stop calls, e-mails, texts, etc.
    If I were him, I would be AFRAID of you.


    Posted by DrK July 2, 09 01:20 PM
  1. I once met a guy on St. John
    who soothed my sunburn with balm.
    No strings were attached
    Until I got sacked
    And now what's the price of my refund?

    Posted by Sally July 2, 09 01:33 PM
  1. Yikes,

    I don't endorse anything. Unlike you and many others, I have the understanding that we are only getting one side of the story AND that the other party is not reading this. What good does it do to tell LW that her vacation hook up should have given her closure? It merely validates her obsession / fixation with what's already dead and buried. I would rather the LW drop it and move on, so I tell her so in a blunt manner. Get it?

    BTW, what I would do is ultimately irrelevant in the context of this story. But, since you asked, I for one, would not have visited / contacted the fling after leaving the island. I also would not go 'psycho' when contact ceased. I also would not write in to an online blog to extend the misery and look for sympathy by slanting the story (i.e. he "begged me", he "insisted I come earlier", etc.). I would not EXPECT any good moral decisions / behavior from someone who flat out told me that they ran away to an island to escape a bad marriage and leave their child behind. Get it?

    Again, re-read this slowly and multiple times if needed: it was a MUTUALLY AGREED upon NSA fling, not a long relationship / engagement / marriage.

    You are now dismissed. Pick up your soapbox / preacher's pulpit and meander on over to BoMoms with others who have little or no sense of humor and cannot handle blunt talk.

    Posted by Hoss July 2, 09 01:34 PM
  1. vacation romances are just flings, even if they seem like they might turn into something afterwards. i met someone on vacation in the bahamas one winter a long time ago. he was a nice guy, and i had a great vacation hanging out with him, but once we got back home, i found out after a few times seeing him that i wasnt that into him. i was living in derry at the time and he was from conn, so we dated a bit when we got back. i saw him maybe 7 or 8 times when we got back from the trip, but he over phoned me one weekend when i was away and it bummed me out. the moral of the story is that its a lot easier to be into someone when you're on vacation, sipping umbrella drinks in a far away place. when you get home, reality sets in. vacation flings are just that - flings. dont put too much stock in it and move on.

    Posted by ExVacationFlinger July 2, 09 01:36 PM
  1. Happily married - thanks for the cute story on this grey day!

    Posted by linna July 2, 09 01:43 PM
  1. DudeGuyKidDudeGuy666,
    come on now, that strategy worked for your wife

    Posted by realist July 2, 09 01:44 PM
  1. Vacation story...
    Met a girl in Newport RI that was on a bachelorette party. She was the ?maid of honor? and I hung out with her and the bride to be till dropping them back at the hotel in the morning. Turned out we actually lived close to each other when we went back home. She was living with a guy and said she wasn't available. however the next week she called and we got together and had 9 months of the most amazing sex. The earth shook! 9 months later though it ended and life goes on...some summers later while vacationing in Newport again I meet another girl from CT while I am in MA. She was going through a divorce but we got together a couple times after that and again had some amazing earth shattering sex. A month later she was honest saying she was not ready to get serious which was fine by me as well. While I ponder that amazing earth shaking sex it is a nice memory I will forever have in my head. I am happily married and don't wish for those days ever again, it's just nice to be able to daydream about those good old days of summer vacations.

    Posted by Name Withheld July 2, 09 01:50 PM
  1. Hoss, my man, you are ON your game today, posts 7 and 20 win with ease.....

    Posted by TD July 2, 09 01:55 PM
  1. DrK, you're wrong...he had left his wife and kid behind for a life on the island. So he was already divorced and living there when this girl got down there. then they met, traveled back and forth to see each other, he demanded she come down to see him earlier than expected, then suddenly stopped talking to her. You can read, can't you?

    Posted by PF July 2, 09 01:57 PM
  1. Reggie is annoyed by Rico. Reggie thinks it is funny that Rico feels the need to brag to his love chat cronies about his cool vacations, even though Rico is off topic. Reggie wants to ride his bike across Rico's face.

    Posted by Anonymous July 2, 09 01:58 PM
  1. The problem is that you think he was just some semi-divorced guy hanging out in the Virgin Islands who happened upon you. Indeed, he was the dude that went to the VI specifically to meet you (or someone like you) to have a fling with. You are fling-girl, how can you not see this and be taking this all so seriously?

    Posted by lilmonkeybean July 2, 09 01:58 PM
  1. He most likely hasn't contacted you because he went back to his wife and child. He was going through a divorce? He may not have been truthful with you. Most likely he changed his mind, if he ever was divorcing, or he lied to you and was simply having fun.

    Posted by portiaperu July 2, 09 02:03 PM
  1. She TOTALLY lucked out on this one. The dude sounds like a little child who obsesses over his favorite toy until he gets a shiny new one.

    Posted by Karmen July 2, 09 02:04 PM
  1. This guy is a jerk, for sure.

    But I fail to see what your problem is. NSA, a few weeks of messing around, thousands of miles apart........what advice are you looking for again?

    Gahhhhd this one's a real stinker of a love letter.

    PS - valentino... you're out of your mind, but in a good way.

    Posted by Freddy July 2, 09 02:04 PM
  1. "I never considered us in a relationship ... we were "just having fun" with no strings attached"

    Unless you are a liar, what's the problem?

    Posted by Trish July 2, 09 02:06 PM
  1. simple.

    Vacation flings never work out. As someone said above, for those guys its a new girl every week. One in a million times they do, as per above, but its a cliche for a reason

    Nothing wrong with having vacation sex. Taking it seriously is infantile. If flings aren't your thing, fine, don't do them

    Posted by Downtownguy July 2, 09 02:07 PM
  1. I would gather up what little dignity you have left (admittedly, not much) and move on. Why would you continue to contact him? Sorry to say, but all of the other posters are correct- you were his flavor of the week. What I REALLY can't believe is that you didn't drop him like a scalding hot grilled cheese when you found out about his wife and the child he abandoned! I'm not surprised he ditched you and you shouldn't be, either.

    Now, having said that- go out and live it up for Forth of July. And safe sex is good.

    Posted by Jennynenny July 2, 09 02:08 PM
  1. Ack! *Fourth* of July.

    Posted by Jennynenny July 2, 09 02:11 PM
  1. Hoss, what's wrong with you nowadays? I used to enjoy your posts, but it seemd like the last few letters have uncovered your biotchy side. Why the need to rip into everyone lately?

    Posted by laurahere July 2, 09 02:15 PM
  1. Aruba,
    oooo I wanna take ya
    to Bermuda, Bahamas, come on pretty mama.....

    Posted by kokomo July 2, 09 02:20 PM
  1. "Going through a divorce" means he's married. And he has a kid. So,

    -He was totally out of line going after you
    -You were totally out of line for reciprocating his interest
    -And now you want to know why he's acting out of line?

    Sounds like someone just got her head realigned.

    Posted by Anonymous July 2, 09 02:27 PM
  1. I'm afraid for whatever reason he needed to end it, he handled it poorly. While it feels like he may have strung you along, the reality is the guy is a loser - left a wife and child, treated you badly when the time to end things came, and has probably moved on to his next conquest. Try your best to chalk it up to experience - and tread a little more carefully in the future.

    I've been married to my vacation fling (also Ireland - met at a club in Dublin, of all places!) for 20 years. We have two gorgeous children and a really great life together.

    Posted by Learn from every experience! July 2, 09 02:29 PM
  1. Here's a thought: he lied about the whole wife and kid and ditched for life on the island....perhaps he is still very much married.
    It was a week out of your life. hardly worth investing energy on this. It's nothing you said or did. The man you hardly know is a user or unstable and unreliable and possibly a liar. Don't look back, keep moving forward.

    Posted by A Dingo Ate My Baby July 2, 09 02:30 PM
  1. #39, Touche! I have been "served" indeed! Good show sir! (or Madam). Good point you've got there, my wife certainly is a dirty slut with low self esteem; how else could she have put up with me for all these years? :)

    Posted by DudeGuyKidDudeGuy666 July 2, 09 02:38 PM
  1. Hoss... What is wrong with you????
    I started reading this column (and the comments) about a month ago. At first, you seemed like a reasonable person trying to help. But honestly, your attitude really stinks! Maybe you need to stop reading this for a while. You have been really mean to just about every LW. This woman shelled out cash to visit a guy that begged her to come see him, then he stopped all communication. Of course she is going to try and track him down. That ISN'T PSYCHO!!

    Posted by Whatever July 2, 09 02:45 PM
  1. Take a step back and think about this whole story, and see what you can learn from it. Knowing what you know about this guy, the fact that you continued to see him sends up some red flags about you that you might want to pay attention to.

    I'm all for vacation sex. Woo-hoo! But once it went beyond that, you had enough information about this guy to glimpse his Inner Dirtbag, and still you went after him. Whatever his issues with his wife may have been, he has a kid, who he felt free to abandon in pursuit of his lifeguard-in-Paradise career. Charming! This didn't bother you at all, or make you wonder about his character?

    Gotta quote Rico here: If it looks like a loser, and acts like a loser, it probably IS a loser.

    Honey, I get why you’re preoccupied with this. Previous commenters lacking in reading comprehension skills apparently missed the part where HE pursued YOU and urged to visit – of course you’re feeling a bit thrown by his sudden disappearance. Who knows what happened; he met someone else, got cold feet, whatever. Consider yourself lucky. And spend some time thinking about what all this says about how you evaluate potential partners.

    Posted by MelissaJane July 2, 09 02:53 PM
  1. Really Meredith?

    This is the letter you went with today?

    Even if this is real, it is just stupid.

    Posted by monkeycaller July 2, 09 02:55 PM
  1. Agreeing whole-heartedly with a sentence from Hoss's latest post: "I would not EXPECT any good moral decisions / behavior from someone who flat out told me that they ran away to an island to escape a bad marriage and leave their child behind."

    Wake up, and besides being glad that you dodged the bullet, ask yourself what you were doing standing in front of the gun ?

    Posted by Jeff July 2, 09 02:57 PM
  1. Hoss has been throwing down the hammer lately, but I can't say I disagree with any of his responses. Today, he brings up an interesting point that applies to every letter:

    There's two sides to each story, and 99 out of 100 times, neither side is completely truthful. Often here we have to break out our sleuth sense because the L/W usually includes some slanted speech which attempts to convince us of their story, and some tend to run with what they have been led to believe by the writer. Sometimes it doesn't seem fair to not hear both sides of a story, but I guess that is what makes for all the lively debate and difference of opinion.

    In this case, I think the LW had a hard time following the rules that she supposedly laid out for herself and the "fling". Why does this guy owe you anything, given the situation? You have no real connection to him whatsoever, and he has much bigger issues than some chick he messed around with on the beach. You should've moved on when you came home, but the fact that you would bring such a trivial matter to a love advice column (without even asking for advice, btw) gives me the distinct impression that you are just an attention whore.

    PS - If i was in his situation and you started freaking out as you say, that would be a green light to cut off all contact with you. And be honest, you would do the same if the situation were reversed.

    Posted by FannyPack July 2, 09 02:59 PM
  1. Forgive me if somebody already said this, but if I girl has to "guarantee" that she is not psycho, then be very afraid. Captain Obvious might say ... Don't you think that someone who runs away from their wife + child (to an island no less) might be a "bad breaker upper" and have a tendency to avoid conflict/reality? So this is like a movie where they leave you hanging. But if you wait through some of the credits, you'll see that he had his fun in the sun and got back together with his wife.

    Posted by DMac July 2, 09 03:02 PM
  1. A LOT of nasty reactions here.

    LW, I sympathize with you. A vacation fling is great. When it spills beyond into real life, it's a little more confusing. His insistence that you visit and then blowing you off, well, I would imagine you feel you were led on, which, to me, you were. And you are upset that you were taken in by his machinations, maybe?

    BTDT, like #17, though mine wasn't a vacation fling. You'll never know why he moved on, and that sucks, but now you have to move on.

    Posted by bluemoose July 2, 09 03:07 PM
  1. PF,

    Sorry, you lose on this one.
    If you re-read her post, it states that he was "going through a divorce".
    That means still married. However, I would tend not to believe a man when he tells you that. FYI.


    Posted by DrK July 2, 09 03:12 PM
  1. There's never been a satisfactory answer to that question.

    Posted by Susan July 2, 09 03:15 PM
  1. I've decided I like Hoss.

    Posted by DrK July 2, 09 03:15 PM
  1. Ick - I'm sorry you got hurt this way. I think Meredith (as usual) is spot on with her advice. Consider this a valuable, albeit painful, lesson learned and move on. He sounds like a jerk. A guy that ditched his family to "find himself" in vacationland probably wasn't marriage material anyway. You deserve much better. It's hard not take such perceived rejection personally, but I guarantee it wasn't you. It was him.

    Good luck to you!

    Posted by veggiesaregreat July 2, 09 03:15 PM
  1. Just a comment/question in general (related) for guys - is there no chance for any relationship if you've slept with a girl on the first or second date? Is it really just no strings attached, and now that the chase is over, time to move on?

    Posted by SS July 2, 09 03:18 PM
  1. As Fred Sanford might say... "You big dummy"
    He went back to his wife. This is like asking why the thief stole your wallet?

    Posted by JPeterman July 2, 09 03:19 PM
  1. What's the big deal? Did you lose a few bucks? You should have went somewhere else.. He had the relationship in a proper perspective as well!

    BTW, How many notches did this guy have on his head-board??

    Posted by Paul from Wellesley July 2, 09 03:20 PM
  1. Hoss -
    Keep bringing the cheese! A voice of clarity in the Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus wasteland....
    Tip of the cap to you, sir!

    Posted by Leykis101 July 2, 09 03:30 PM
  1. Unfortunately, none of us here can answer the question of where this guy went. We can all assume diferent things, he’s gone back to his family, found another girl, wasn’t that into you, etc. However, it was a cowardly, childish thing for him to do to all of a sudden disappear on you and not give you an explanation, but in situations like these, it’s the easy way out. Because of the distance, it’s easy for people to just vanish without consequence. Since you live far away, he can simply ignore all your emails or texts and avoid all forms of direct confrontation. He’s basically trying to ignore the whole situation, hoping it will go away. Although easy for him, it's annoying and painful for you, as you are now left hanging in suspense. Personally, I would want at least an explanation and for him to be honest with me than be left in the dark. Even if you guys weren’t in a relationship, it’s still completely uncalled for and rude when you were depending on him to be there when you visited.

    You might never find out what happened with him, all I can tell you is that it’s best to let it go, drop it, and try to get over it. Stop contacting him now, it makes you look really pathetic after the first few emails, calls, and texts, especially since there were “no strings attached”. It might take a little while, but you will if you start focusing on other things and other, hopefully more local (and honest and dependable!) guys, you’ll be okay.

    Posted by meow July 2, 09 03:30 PM
  1. I'm really not feeling this letter. It's like a Bill Lee eephus pitch: A beachball that seems too easy to jack. So I'm changing the subject to Jillian Michaels (the trainer from The Biggest Loser in the pop up ad on this page). Is she a dude, or what? She looks like Lou Ferrigno in a sports bra. Anyone?

    Stars, not Strippers

    Posted by valentino July 2, 09 03:36 PM
  1. First and foremost, this woman does NOT need to be condemned or told she was a "dumb girl" for hooking up with a guy under the twinkle of an island sky. Let he without mai-tai induced sins cast the first stone.
    Unlike some others on here, I don't think your reaction is psycho. The ground underneath you confusingly shifted, and you behaved like a confused person. Rules of polite, fair, real-man behavior dictate he should've at least cancelled on you. (Clearly, he was no ethics.) Maybe he was in over his head and froze. Maybe it was his wife. Maybe it was a new fling. Maybe he's actually gay. Who knows? Get your revenge by proving how little he meant to you and forgetting about him.

    Posted by Fievel July 2, 09 03:40 PM
  1. i <3 hoss

    Posted by hosslover July 2, 09 03:40 PM
  1. I agree with everything except, "he should at least have a great accent". There's nothing wrong with an American accent. Dumbass or Du Mas, you're still getting screwed. People need to spend more time becoming acquainted with the concept of love in this country- its many aspects, its faces. Romantic love is great, but it's more akin to passion and lust. It can coexist with a more deeply committed love, but it's apparently rare in this country these days. There's also a chivalrous love and a parental love as well as a spiritual love all of which keep us doing things that our egos might otherwise abandon, because we want to live in a world where people make sacrifices for each other. When both sides coallesce all the faces into one, that's when you've got a winner.

    Posted by hippydippy July 2, 09 03:45 PM
  1. Last summer I met a guy who was in Boston for a few months (originally from Ireland). We hit it off instantly, but knew we didn't have much time and that both of us were recovering from long/serious/difficult relationships. We kept it light, had a blast, got some good snuggling in, and parted with wonderful memories and a friend to email very occasionally. I smile every single time I think about him. Just think - a relationship that was crystallized when it was still going perfectly!

    Posted by Gretchen July 2, 09 03:51 PM
  1. everyone is so mean.... i will try to make you feel a little better.

    so yes it was a vacation fling, but when you guys decided to visit each other and talk all the time etc, it became more. thats not to say that it was a relationship, per se, but he owed it to you to at least call and say he didnt want you to come visit. he could have made up an excuse. he's a grown man for crying out loud. i must say, you lucked out. you should be glad that you found this out about him now rather than later. you deserve better. go find it. some people (and see how i say people instead of men) are like that. they have no spine. there are men and women alike who dont act like adults. so just move on... have a great 4th of july and maybe you will meet the man of your dreams who doesnt live thousands of miles away and have a (ex) wife and kid...

    Posted by i need a vaca! July 2, 09 03:54 PM
  1. Duh

    Posted by yupokay July 2, 09 03:59 PM
  1. Just to add to my original comment..... Vacation flings are fine, but need to be kep tin that context. The guy was a jerk for not being up front and honest about canceling the trip. Decent behavior on his part would have letting her know that the fling was over at least.

    Having said that - weren't there enough obvious clues to his character and his likely behavior right there in front of you at the beginning ? No matter how great a lifeguard he was on the beach - and whatever else the two of you shared - you really need to ask yourself why you thought any sort of a relationship with a stranger who was going through a divorce and had run away to the islands to leave his wife AND child behind was a good idea.

    You need to move on, and perhaps exercise a little more thought beforehand next time.

    Posted by Jeff July 2, 09 04:09 PM
  1. Where'd you go? Where'd you go? I wanna know... Mighty Mighty Bosstones now stuck in my mind. This just is what it is...it happens. And he is not such an ace on paper ya know? Sooo... shake it off. ONWARD!!
    Have a fun weekend and forget him.

    Posted by pb July 2, 09 04:09 PM
  1. Wow
    Typically can't get 3 people to agree on anything.

    Here there is unanimous consensus:

    1. You give it out too easily.

    2. You were used.

    3. Either get over it, get used to it, or grow up.

    The only thing missing was "One day in band camp"

    Posted by mikestwocents July 2, 09 04:12 PM
  1. Here's my story: his name was Peter and his family owned a summer house on the same beach as my family. His dog's name was Sea Biscuit and he used to dock his little Boston Whaler on the water in front of our house. I used to wait for hours to catch a glimpse of him loading his fishing gear into the boat. Some times, I'd change into my skimpiest bikini, much to my mom's chagrin, and sit on the beach pretending to ignore him. I had heard his mom tell my mom that he liked comic books, so I stole my brother's Mad Magazine and acted like I understood the jokes.

    One day I was swimming near the stern of his boat. This rogue wave came up and knocked my bikini top off. At that moment, Peter and Sea Biscuit waded into the water behind me and when I turned around, both of them saw my boobies.

    That was as far as I got. The next year, Peter, his boat and his dog were gone. His family had sold their summer home and moved to Michigan, where apparantly psycho girls don't go around stalking boys and flashing them their bare chests.

    Easy come, easy go.

    As chance would have it, I'm off tomorrow to revisit this same little summer home. Wouldn't it be poetic if Peter and Sea Biscuit showed up? (Wait, that would make Sea Biscuit like 250 years old in dog years.) Anyways, I'll keep you posted as to whether my bikini top stays on or comes off.

    Posted by Sally July 2, 09 04:17 PM
  1. Rico wants reggie to know that he will be going back to Cota Rica some day and he will think of him as he relaxes in the hot mineral springs, but before going back he will be away for the weekend at his Cape Cod retreat and then spending some time travelling in Europe over the next year (3 planned vacations, Greece, Italy and France). Does that make reggie more angry? Jealous? reggie needs to grow up and get a life and stop being angry at BLOG postings. If reggie has further issue with that Rico would gladly like to see him try and ride a bike across Rico. Rico thinks you may be in for a surprise and an extended stay in a hospital bed. Rico still loves you and everyone, but please keep it nice and safe. Rico wishes everyone a happy 4th!!!

    Love always,


    Posted by Rico July 2, 09 04:21 PM
  1. This is the kind of situation that make the actual men out there - you know, the ones that DON'T abandon their children to run away and be a lifeguard - scratch their heads.

    Since you can't "let this one go," why not quit your job and buy a one-way plane ticket? Your fantasy of what life could be like with this loser couldn't possibly equal the reality of hooking up with a Narcissist, right?

    Posted by Vanilla Gorilla July 2, 09 04:23 PM
  1. He never left his wife, he was playing you the whole time

    Posted by Tebucky July 2, 09 04:26 PM
  1. Tough break! But better to find out sooner rather than later. Get it out of your system, b/c he was definately a Loser, but your obsession may turn you into one too, and I doubt you want that.

    In a like occurence, I took a cruise with a bunch of friend when I was 25. Met a women (beautiful and funny) early 30's. She was from San Diego and I was from Boston. We kept in touch for a few months after the cruise, she came to visit me in Boston around Christmas. It was really cool! And I was really into her, and she me. At 25, I had much less of the career, and was generally more carefree. So I said F- it, lets make a try of this. We met in New Orleans for Mardi Gras and travelled accross the country together to San Diego. Great trip, Mardy Gras, Basketball game in San Antonio and nights at the River Walk, went to White Sands New Mexico then to Taos NM to ski, then on to Scotsdale Arizona for Padres Spring Training before we got to San Diego. I found a job and an apartment in town pretty quick and we dated, things got serious and I moved in with her. It got crazy from there, we would argue and in the end the relationship fell apart. Great year and a half of my life. She was nuts though (clinically), but so was I for taking the chance (not clinically!!), it is what we have to do to grow as human beings and satisfy our curiosity.

    I manned up and told her it was over and this wasn't going to work long term and we should end it now so we could both pick up the peices. She told me she was afraid she was going to kill herself... clinically... Serious. And it ended up keeping me around for a couple more months. I finally packed my car and called her mom to stay with her while I drove away. Don't let yourself be that person.

    The trick is to move on. Learn and re-apply it to your next life decisions. She called me for another 1 and 1/2 years at all hours, harassing, telling me I ruined her life and now she was older and had to start again. That wasn't necessary!

    I am now happily married to a normal woman. But who knows, normal by my standards could be very different from the next. The trick is that I found my happiness! And most of us deserve that, or at least the chance for it! So don't waste your time lamenting over it and go do something with friends that will make you happy!

    Posted by The San Diego Story July 2, 09 04:28 PM
  1. The Circle of Life: You provide the sexual fodder for the man going through a divorce. He disses you and gets back together with his ex who has been breaking up the marriage of the guy who you'll meet on vacation next year. There is order in the world. Asses to Asses...

    Posted by valentino July 2, 09 04:34 PM
  1. It's hurtful to be rejected. Expecially when someone is covering you with love and affection during the fling. She is hurt, and it's understandable. She is not a slut, and you knuckleheads should get off your high horse. She is just a young kid, who connected with this guy, and he rejected her. It hurts.

    Sally : notice my apostrophes.

    Grouchy responses today.

    Posted by billy13 July 2, 09 04:37 PM
  1. It's St. John. Not St. Johns. How do you not know the name of the places you vacation? He probably thought you were dumb as bricks and got tired of you.

    Posted by USVI July 2, 09 04:49 PM
  1. I am a reasonably new reader to this column, so I don't know what the nature of the letters has been in the past, but this letter sounds like it is from a dumb blonde mentality. Why was it even posted? I thought these questions were for people to write in with advice, but in this case, no advice is necessary. My 2 cents - he is still married, he is flirting with vacationer-du-jur and unfortunately you fell for it. And, yes, I was in a similar situation, but the phone calls and visits went on for 2 years. I went into it totally aware of the situation, he was in California and I was in MA but it was fun and I didn't expect anything more, and for that matter I didn't get anything more. When it ended, it just ended. No advice for you, darlin, he used you. It was fun, it's over. Now - a complaint about the responses. This forum sounds like children let loose on Twitter or IM. Instead of writing in to the letter writer, you all are writing to each other. If that's what it's about, then I'll write to Rico....LOVE that guy.

    Posted by POSSLQ July 2, 09 04:50 PM
  1. Billy, what a thoughtful response. And one that included the phrase, "knuckleheads," too!

    Maybe the rain has made us all ornery.

    Posted by Fievel July 2, 09 04:52 PM
  1. Sally, your breasts scared someone away? Was it a case of "size matters"? ;)

    Posted by The Dude July 2, 09 04:52 PM
  1. " Why did he do that to me? "---- Not rocket science. He's not into you anymore. Maybe he met someone else, maybe not, who cares, he doesn't want you. Period. You were ridiculous in your stalking him, btw. What is it with this generation's women being sooooo pathetic. There was a time that so much as one not-returned-phonecall was enough for a women to say "if he wants to talk to me, he'll phone me." and getting on with your life including meeting other men, dating other men, taking nothing for granted unless the guy makes a point of saying "I want to marry you." If he didn't say that, all bets were off as far as you being serious or exclusive to him. What happened to women having a little pride in themselves? If the guy is not after you, he's not into you. It's that simple. Have some pride, women! Next time dont consider anything a relationship unless he makes a firm statement to find out that you are exclusively his. If he's not interested in making sure you're into him, then you are wasting your time.

    Posted by someone with a few grey hairs July 2, 09 04:57 PM
  1. Same thing happened to me, except it was New Orleans, and he was a native cajun musician. We had fun on my vacation, and I was happy to leave it at that. I'd never done anything like that before (I'm serious). He kept calling and begging me to come visit. Thinking it was a fun excuse for an interstate booty call, I booked a ticket back. Again, he was a diversion for me, not a destination. Well, when I called to tell him when I was flying down, I got the same silence LW got. I gave it three calls, and then I exchanged the ticket and went to visit friends elsewhere—all it cost me was $75 to change the destination (thanks United!)

    Was I ripbleep? Oh, sure. Did I feel humiliated? Of course. But you know what? That’s life. I don’t know what his situation was, if he had a Cajun honey he was living with or whatever. What it meant for me in the larger scheme of things was that I was willing to take the chance, live life, and do something reckless, instead of saying "no, I shouldn't" and try to find an excuse why I should be the good little ex-Catholic girl.

    That the OBX guy mentioned a (ex)wife and kid makes me wonder if he was trying to drop the hints and lay the groundwork for a quick escape eventually from the LW. Whatever this guy's damage, LW will be okay. Life will go on.

    Posted by Pakyria July 2, 09 04:58 PM
  1. A lady goes on vacation alone to the Jamaica (St. Johns?) wishing her friends had been able to join her.

    Upon arriving, she meets a Jamaican man, and after a night of passionate lovemaking she asks him, "What is your name?" "I can't tell you!" the Jamaican man says.

    Every night they meet and every night she asks him again what his name is and he always responds the same, he cannot tell her.

    On her last night there she asks again, "Can you please tell me your name?"

    " I can't because you will make fun of me!" the Jamaican man says.

    " There is no reason for me to laugh at you," the lady says.

    " Fine, my name is Snow" the Jamaican man replies. And the lady bursts into laughter, and the Jamaican man gets mad and says, "I knew you would make fun of it".

    The lady replied, "Its my friends that won't believe me when I tell him that I had 10 inches of Snow everyday in the Caribbean!"

    It was a fling - let it go.

    Posted by bohica July 2, 09 05:04 PM
  1. " he lied about the whole wife and kid and ditched for life on the island"--maybe. Maybe it was code for - "I am in it for the sex. Period" He figures to say he's the type of guy who would leave his wife and baby you'd have to be a real numbskull to ever imagine such a person would be anything but completely selfish so have sex with me at your own risk. You'd think, anyway.

    Posted by not too hard to figure out July 2, 09 05:14 PM
  1. Seems to me the poster was using him, and is upset because he ended up doing the same to her!

    She starts off by saying, "... we were "just having fun" with no strings attached"

    She ends by asking, "...why couldn't he tell me that he didn't want to see me again or whatever the explanation is. I am still haunted by this whole scenario".

    Obviously she's a controlling person not owning up to the fact that she dished it out to him and then had it tossed back into her face.

    Posted by sigh July 2, 09 05:16 PM
  1. Alvin!!!! I've been wanting to say that, especially since he so wants to be #10,000.

    Posted by Nada July 2, 09 05:18 PM
  1. Sounds like you kept it in perspective in the beginning, thought you were handling it well, thought you were in control of the situation... let your guard down and as soon as you did, he did a disappearing act. You probably just feel let down and maybe got your ego knocked down a bit. It sucks. I'm sorry sweetie. You opened yourself up which in itself is not a bad thing. But you opened yourself up to the wrong type of person. You were too optimistic about him. Look, he can't even treat his child better, his own flesh and blood. He'll never be good to anyone but himself. It's not you, it's him.

    Posted by Lisa July 2, 09 05:23 PM
  1. We see the same pattern on here over and over. Girls write in wondering where their men ran off to. Men want sex, so they pretend to be in love to get sex. Women want love, so they give sex to get love. When sex gets less exciting, a little while in, men leave. Women are just starting to bond, they want more closeness, more committment, and the guy is looking for hisnex best thing. If a guy loves you, you know, because he calls you, he's after you. If your guy isn't after you, he doesn't want you. It's that simple. Closure? What happened? Why did he do this? blah blah blah. Deal with today - he doesn't want you. That's all you need to know. Women need to not commit so easily. Dont give yourself away so easily. Date alot of guys, and only stop doing that when one of them really wants to get serious and you want to get serious as well. And never chase. Never stalk. move on. Ladies, it's time to get some self respect back.

    Posted by whatever happened to the term 'lady' July 2, 09 05:26 PM
  1. Ok, I think we've solved this one. Now, what ever happened to the girl whose boyfriend took another woman to the Cape??? We were all left hanging and we need an update!!!

    Happy 4th everyone - Rico, I'll see you in Costa Rica. I have a part time gig selling land in CR and it is a gorgeous country. See you in Manuel Antonio!

    Posted by J Bar July 2, 09 05:33 PM
  1. Sally...Who's better than you?

    In an effort to get herself off
    The man in the boat would she boff
    What was he to think,
    With her top in the drink?
    Its a sin to abuse apostroph

    Posted by valentino July 2, 09 05:37 PM
  1. wow, for a second i thought i wrote this in my sleep. something very similar happened to me - i met a guy on vacation, we kept in constant contact (oh and i should add, when i say "constant contact" - i mean, he called me every single day and pressed me to come visit earlier than i had planned, but given that he lived in another country and i had to work...). i made plans to visit him about 2 months after we met. 3 days before i'm supposed to visit, he stops talking to me. given that everything was non-refundable, i just assumed he was being weird, maybe he was freaked out by the reality that i was coming and it scared him. i dunno. i was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. so imagine my surprise when i get there and find out he has a girlfriend. hmm, the silent treatment made sense then. at least i got an answer, so i could move on from the jerk. i feel bad that you never got that - chances are, the wife came back or he got another girlfriend and wasn't man enough to tell you. i hate when guys do that - they claim they hate drama, but really, they're the ones creating the drama....did you guys ever stop to think that if you were just honest upfront, there'd be less drama? seriously. say what you mean and mean what you say. no lying = no freakouts. i know, it's so simple...you'd think guys would figure that out. but noooo...they don't. they prefer to play games and drive sane people nuts. yeah. awesome.

    Posted by OCSoxgrrl July 2, 09 05:46 PM
  1. As a former resident of the USVI, I must tell the L/W - it's St. John, not St. John's. There is a St. John's in the Caribbean, but it is neither in the USVI nor the BVI. Sheesh, how can you travel somewhere, and not know where you are? Do you even look at your airline or cruise ship ticket?

    There is a St. Johns in the Netherlands Antilles (no apostrophe) and a St. John's on Antigua and Barbuda (apostrophe), but St. John is an island in the VI (no apostrophe).

    Meredith - How come no-one respects the apostrophe anymore?

    Posted by reindeergirl July 2, 09 06:04 PM
  1. Oh and - the USVI is a notorious place for mainlanders who want to remake themselves. I lived there three years with my husband; wouldn't trust most mainlanders as far as I could throw them. The West Indians, they're another story - lovely and kind.

    Posted by reindeergirl July 2, 09 06:06 PM
  1. Hoss,

    I'm very sorry you told everyone how wonderful the Outer Banks is. A lot of us like having it as our quiet, almost-secret place.

    L/W: "as a lifeguard on St. Johns and we hit it off from the beginning." - Dear, EVERYONE hits it of on St. John (please note spelling). It's a magical place. Even noisy and overrated Woody's. The magic fades once you take the ferry back to the East End and crummy Charlotte Amalie.

    Posted by reindeergirl July 2, 09 06:14 PM
  1. reindeergirl, when correcting the spelling of others, please double check your own. "hits it OF on St. John" i believe you meant to say "hits it OFF on St. John."

    Posted by grammar police July 2, 09 06:40 PM
  1. I <3 valentino, still, and his sardonic wit. I hope he enters Miss Conduct's poetry contest, and wins.

    L/W - Sorry I was so harsh, but the fact there are far too many players in the resort towns. The solid mainlanders own businesses; or work at the Havensight bookstore, or write for the VI newspaper. They are NOT beach bums and waiters. But many are pirates in the dope-dealing sense. For all you know he's serving prison time for that now. Besides, if you did fall in love and he wanted to stay there, and asked you to join him, would you really want to live in the VI? It's fine for a week, then it's dullsville. Best you learn early.

    Posted by reindeergirl July 2, 09 06:43 PM
  1. #98: You have a point about that but since when does a guy who wants to get laid with vacationers have any deep thoughts? Men like him hit on ladies vacationing because they know it is a week of sex with a stranger who has to go home eventually and then on to the next travel junket arriving with a new batch of girls gone wild. Aside from the fact that LW might be prettying up the story a bit and we only know one side of this, hope for everyone's sake including alleged wife, that safe sex was practiced.

    Posted by A Dingo Ate My Baby July 2, 09 07:03 PM
  1. This seems obvious to me. The guy was a con artist. He begs you to come visit. You weren't supposed to book your own ticket to visit him. Instead, you were supposed to insist that he come to Boston to visit you. He would claim poverty (child support payments). You were then supposed to offer to pay for his ticket. Then, he would cash in the ticket and run.

    Posted by youdodgedabullet July 2, 09 07:08 PM
  1. I agree with most of the posts that say you need to just move on and learn from this experience. Obviously, this person was not meant for you and based on his behavior, sounds like not seeing him again is a good thing because he really has nothing to offer you. Not only was he beyond rude by not following up with you to tell you directly that the plans would need to be cancelled, but like many have noted, the fact that he would move away from his own flesh and blood lets you know that his priorities are screwed up. As a parent, I would NEVER move away from my kid...it's just not happening, so that he thought more of himself to move away (for however long of a time), and not put the needs of his child first to at least be able to visit despite "going through a divorce" speaks volumes about his character. He was shady with you, was shady with his own kid, was probably shady with his wife (hence the "going through" a divorce), and will probably continue to be shady. Let it go. He doesn't even deserve your energy worrying about this. Just say to herself "he's a jerk, and I deserve better", and then do better.

    Posted by bklynmom July 2, 09 07:16 PM
  1. Alvin!!!! I've been wanting to say that, especially since he so wants to be #10,000.

    Posted by Nada July 2, 09 07:19 PM
  1. people are lonely.

    they sit at home with their flo bee and sham-wow and wish they had someone.

    they go on vacation and a horny lifeguard, who has done this before, shows them attention and shags them.

    mysterious. vacation. warm sun.... you were blindsided by a creep. and yourself.

    Posted by S July 2, 09 07:58 PM
  1. "No strings attached vacation flings by definition, don't involve the need for closure and / or an explanation when (NOT IF) it ends suddenly"

    Hoss, I'm going to have to disagree with you. NSA relationships can be wonderful and do exactly what they're supposed to, IF both parties still follow basic rules of courtesy and respect.

    Some may not agree with me here, but I've had some wonderfully successful and enjoyable "flings" as they say. They were what I wanted and were great.
    However, "fling" did not equal "completely disrespectful", it just meant that neither of us wanted anything more than great sex and mutual respect (and in some cases some awesome friendships stemmed from the experience).

    To the LW, if you were expecting more than just a fling, then I'm sorry you were hurt and yeah, there's nothing wrong with realizing that you want a serious relationship and sex=relationship to you. If you were merely annoyed at some seemingly cowardly behavior then I would have to agree, its really lame when someone can't just admit that they're ending the relationship, fling, whatever. Chalk it up to a learning experience.

    Posted by solvera July 2, 09 08:17 PM
  1. Sally, #84, that was a fun story!

    LW, count your blessings.

    Posted by cvana July 2, 09 08:21 PM
  1. Can't believe that they censored my post considering what they left up there. All I did was tell her that she had confused a booty call for true romance. Oh, also that she was a pushover. Was that so bad?

    Posted by Don'tgiveitupsoeasyorguyswillthinkyouareeasy July 2, 09 09:33 PM
  1. "just having fun" with no strings attached, especially since he was going through a divorce at the time and left his wife and child behind for a life on the islands.

    You can't let this go? What is wrong with you?

    NEVER get involved with anyone who is not SINGLE/available!!!!!!!!!!!!! Especially a guy who abandons his family like this - what were you thinking???? This guy is a total jerk. Have some common sense and a try to muster some dignity. How do you not see the folly in this?

    Having fun on a 'vacation fling' is one thing, but then thinking it holds meaning is almost laughable - especially when it involves a guy who is not single. He fooled you into thinking you are 'special' - women's egos are very easily fooled by guys like this and they know it. You say he 'begged' you, so I guess this means he 'really' cares? Did you once even consider what his family is going through during this divorce during all your 'having fun' BS - what kind of person are you to be so cruel to those other people in his life? You deliberately made his/their trying times ever harder!

    Red flag - 'going thru divorce' ! And you think YOU have concerns over his not contacting you? How do yo think his abandoned family feels? You really think you belong there? Still think you're that important? Stop the drama and get real.

    Posted by ,sth July 2, 09 10:15 PM
  1. Reindear, love the apostrophe lesson. Yum, yum: punctuation!

    Val, what was that bit about the apostroph supposed to mean in the ode to Sally?

    Sally, funny stories.

    J Bar, most fascinating post in the bunch! Yikes.

    Hoss-tle - What's up, hon? You seem stressed.

    And RICO BABY - can't WAIT till you take those vacations!!!!!!!!!

    Posted by Frico July 2, 09 10:20 PM
  1. PF (#43) wrote: "DrK, you're wrong...he had left his wife and kid behind for a life on the island. So he was already divorced ".

    Leaving a spouse is NOT the same as being "already divorced". The letter writer explicitly wrote that this vacation dude was "going through a divorce". She did NOT say he was already divorced.

    You asked if DrK could read.....can you?

    Posted by bklynmom July 2, 09 10:42 PM
  1. I heart hoss too..

    right on. right. on.

    Posted by guiou July 2, 09 11:57 PM
  1. Forget him! He obviously met someone else. Besides he has a wife and child to add to the mix...........find someone worth your time.....it isn't this bum!

    Posted by Pam July 3, 09 12:50 AM
  1. Honey, you should've processed two important pieces of information before you hooked up with this loser:

    1. He's a life guard (DUH!)
    2. He ditched his wife and family to be a beach bum on St. John. (Double DUH!)

    That's all the information you should have needed to say "uh, NO thanks!"

    Posted by Shecky28 July 3, 09 08:03 AM
  1. I feel a little Richard Marx, "Endless Summer Nights" playing in my head. The fun with summer and vacation flings is that they're just that - vacation. It is one chance to be completely giddy and juvenile and to make decisions you would not otherwise make. Have you ever noticed that you have far more sex on vacation than you do at home - whether it is with your spouse or a total stranger? Why put extra strings on a fling when you are living in a vacation fantasy land? Once the vaca is over, leave the lover behind and move on.

    Posted by Mandy July 3, 09 09:53 AM
  1. Jumping into bed with strangers makes you a slut. Sorry, but it does. Why would you spread your legs for some dirtbag who has zero moral structure? Who wouldn't want to ditch all responsibilities and go live on an island pretending like every day was a vacation? This guy is a total scumbag. Your a bimbo for spreading your legs for him. You got what you deserve. Let it go, and live and learn. Don't be so quick to sleep around.

    Posted by Kathy July 3, 09 10:29 AM
  1. I would have made the trip and had fun without him. Who knows, maybe you would have seen him there, and would have gotten the closure you're wanting. Anyway, too late now. Live and learn, and most importantly, move on. Give yourself closure. You already know what happened: he's with someone else.

    Posted by Bee July 3, 09 11:34 AM
  1. I wish I knew his name so I could ask around about him. Then again, most folks in those McJobs (and being a lifeguard on one of the VI is a McJob) don't stay too long. Even stable reindeergirl and her stable husband were out of there by the end of their third year, and we had stable jobs; - yet even we associated with pirates from time to time (that old "wake and bake" thing from a few columns back). That's what it's like on the islands if you're not either a) a billionaire or b) a West Indian whose ancestors have been there since forever and run the political machines and therefore are centuries-old stable.

    There's a board/chat room, L/W, called VINow (VINow.com). Go there and see if you can learn anything about this man, if it matters that much to you.

    Posted by reindeergirl July 3, 09 11:56 AM
  1. He just wanted a bit on the side.

    Read a great new romantic comedy following the fortunes of Paul Marriott, the Secretary of the Barnstorm Village Sunday soccer team, and coach of a school cricket team in Yorkshire, England. The story describes the remarkable camaraderie between the players and supporters of this little club and their desire to achieve success. Nonetheless, the team is known more for its antics off the field, rather than their performances on it.

    During his time at the club he meets and becomes involved with Emma Potter, who is the sister of James Potter, a major player for their bitter rivals Moortown Inn. Thus, begins an entangled web of romance and conflict. He also begins working at Derry High School, a school with a poor reputation of academic success, where he becomes coach of the school cricket team. Here he develops an amazing relationship with the children and embarks on an epic journey.

    Posted by Philip O'Mara July 3, 09 12:20 PM
  1. Frico #119 -
    Billy13 in Post # 90 said: "Sally : notice my apostrophes." I just wanted to be simpatico with my gal Sal.

    Posted by val July 3, 09 04:14 PM
  1. damn, hoss (welcome back bro) almost submitted the perfect reply to
    this damsel in distress until the Buffett reference, YUK!

    ty for the OBX info though, thought it was a prison in oklahoma

    Posted by mike in salem July 4, 09 08:00 AM
  1. Some people, ok, let's say guys, can be complete pigs. Sorry to say this. I am sure there are women who do this too but since I am a woman, my experience of this has been only with men. Please learn from this. I have heard it over and over. The more intense a guy is in the beginning the worse things turned out for me or my friends. I don't know why that is. Now of course, if you are looking for a fling, you know what to look for. If you want something more substantial, guys who are respectful and take their time end up being there for the long term. The other thing is that this type of person is really a wimp. It would be much better if he were just HONEST! However, since he is spineless pig, the best thing is to let it go. Have someone fung shei your place, or burn sage or something to clear out his energy. Hopefully you will never attract this again. Good luck! :)

    Posted by been there July 5, 09 03:02 AM
  1. Say "I Do" with family and friends at St Croix's luxurious Buccaneer Resort and earn a free return stay with qualifying Hibiscus wedding packages.
    See www.thebuccaneer.com.

    Posted by Morgan July 6, 09 12:55 PM
  1. Yes, let it go and move on. What are your alternatives? Waste more time on him by trying to "figure this out"?? It's very frustrating but getting "taken" like this happens to most women in our lifetime, so just learn from it and move on. Good luck.

    Posted by matilda July 9, 09 03:26 PM
ABOUT LOVE LETTERS: Welcome to Love Letters, the place for love advice (giving and getting). Globe relationship columnist Meredith Goldstein and Boston.com readers are ready to take your letters and tell you what's what. Have a question? Click here to submit or email us at loveletters@boston.com.
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Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.

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