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He's moving here for me

Posted by Meredith Goldstein  July 29, 2009 10:46 AM

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Here’s a happy letter. Don’t forget the 1 p.m. chat.

Q: Hi Meredith & LL readers!
I read this column every day, thanks for giving me a great work break.

Remember a while back when readers were clamoring for 'happy' letters? Hopefully they still want one ... I am 29, and have been in a stable, warm, normal relationship with a wonderful guy for about a year. We met at a wedding a few years ago, gradually became friends but dated other people, and just started dating last summer. Things are great -- we get along really well, are totally honest with each other, and have great chemistry. So why, you may ask, am I writing?

It took us so long to start dating because when we met, I lived in Boston and he lived about a thousand miles away, which is how it has always been. He is moving to Boston in a couple of weeks to move in with me. This was his idea -- I was thinking about it and trying to figure out how to ask him, when he suggested it himself. He does not know anyone here, has no job contacts here, has never lived this far away from his friends and family, and has made it clear that he is moving because he wants to be with me.

So this is why I am asking for advice. I have sort of lived with two guys before (one was just for a summer, which we knew going into it, and the other was a guy who spent every night at my house but maintained his own place), and things did not go well. I definitely feel like things are different this time because I am a little older and hopefully wiser, and we are a better match, but it still makes me nervous. I really love him to pieces, and I want this to work. Do you and the readers have any advice for me about how to live together successfully, and how to make the transition from long-distance to same-apt romance?

-- C, Boston

A: C, Congrats. Sounds like you're in loooove.

Now for some advice.

Please, please manage your expectations. No matter how much you guys love each other, there’s going to be an uncomfortable transition phase. It’s not just that you’ve been long distance and that you’ll suddenly be cohabitating. It’s really that he’s not from here. He’ll be learning about Boston as he learns about you. Getting to know Boston isn’t so easy. In fact, it can be terrifying.

Both of you should go into this expecting frustration. He should expect that he’ll get lost on 93. He should expect to feel out of place and confused. You should expect to feel a little guilty when you see him struggling. It's going to be a little awkward for a while.

That’s what happens with a move-in like this. It’s unavoidable. But if you both know what’s coming, you’ll be ready to manage it. Stay strong and do your best to be supportive. Give him space to make this town his own. Keep a sense of humor. And remind him daily why he made this choice -- so the two of you can make a go of it.

Good luck. And we're here if you need us, of course.

Readers? What can C do to make this transition work? Should they be living together right off the bat? What should she expect when he gets here? Advice? Stories from your past? Share here. Submit a letter to the right.

-- Meredith

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159 comments so far...
  1. It's good to let life be life sometimes. He wants to come here, you want him to come here. The rest is, well, life. Everydayness is different then when-I-can-afford-a-plane-ticketness, and as long as you acknowledge, like Meredith said, that there is going to be some awkwardness, some transition, and some discovery on both sides, just let life...unfold. Don't let your concerns keep you both from exploring this.

    Posted by Carolyn July 29, 09 11:16 AM
  1. i'd be petrified -- no job -- there are no jobs -- will you be supporting him -- yikes

    Posted by laurie July 29, 09 11:20 AM
  1. Wow...no job contacts, eh? Help him find a job fast. Number one subject of arguments between couples is money. He needs to find a job as soon as possible.
    Second part - help him network with other guy friends. The live-in situation is going to get old quickly if you are the only person he knows. He needs to get out of the house and making friends as soon as possible.
    (Unless he is going to be your "houseboy," which is not necessarily the worst thing...)

    Posted by Bob July 29, 09 11:23 AM
  1. LW, this will be very different from your other two experiences, where you and your fellas basically had one eye on the door the entire time. This will be like getting married. Do you feel like this guy is the one for you and you're happy to take a step in that direction? Then go for it! As Carolyn says, what happens happens. My brother and his gf went from long distance to moving in and eventually got married -- the reason it worked for them is that they were both on the same page about where the relationship was going. Make sure you and your guy are. If not, it might be better if he moves to Boston but not in with you.

    Posted by move on July 29, 09 11:24 AM
  1. Rico just loves a nice letter like this and is here to advise you:

    Rico thinks this is wonderful and to make his transition and yours as smooth as possible. Before he arrives you may want to clear some space for him and his things. If you have 5 closets maybe give him one? Go to the home sotre and buy yourself large rubber/plastic containers and put your winter stuff or summer stuff in them depending on season and store them in the basement if you have one or at a family/friends house till needed. When he does arrive he may need something called GPS, you may have heard of it. Men don't get lost ever, we just find creative routes to get places, GOS might help him be less creative :)

    Rico also thinks maybe introducing him to recruiters could help his job search and maybe look up a few clubs he may be interested in joining. A tennis club, running, biking or maybe a local gym to meet other people. Then there is the restaurant/bar scene. While Rico is an avid chef at home he enjoys a night out with his lovely wife for a nice dinner. Take him to the South End, Back Bay, North End, etc...Give him a taste of the local flavors, not just F-hall and the crappy vendors. Rico suggests taking him to the cape, Falmouth is nicer than Hy's Anus and Provincetown is an experience. Then of course, Newport RI, Rockport, etc...

    OK, so he may be a sports fan so try getting tickets to a game and let him smell Fenway. Yes Rico said smell...there is nothing like the smell of Fenway in summertime, fresh grass, hot dogs, pizza, beer, all gathered together for an experience of a lifetime. Do not take him shopping in a mall unless he asks, guys hate malls, Rico can't stand them. He will need to know the best pizza places, coffee (NOT DD's), Market, etc...maybe take some time to write a list of common things people need to know. Just look at your daily life for a month and see what you go through, he'll be doing much the same. He will need a haircut, Newbury street is too expensive for a real man, supercuts is tacky...Local guy in Watertown does a shave and a haircut near the New Balance building.

    OK, so now that we have than out of the way, hopefully the transition will go better. Rico will check back with more info as he thinks of it. Oh, and 2 TV's along with a DVR are a good idea as well...bump up to HD service if not already.

    Have a great day...Love always,

    Rico

    Gears not gas...take the 2 mile challenge!!!

    Posted by Rico July 29, 09 11:24 AM
  1. It appears he's moving here without having lined-up a job first.

    I think "C" should look out for herself and stipulate that BF, prior to moving to Boston, look for jobs and land interviews, and then permanent live-in status comes when he actually lands a job. Cover letters can stipulate that he'll be in Boston during XYZ time frame for interviews.

    By letting him move here without even having a job C is opening up the possibility that he could just move in and do nothing to support himself.

    I'm sure BF is a wonderful guy, but as the motto of the British Boy Scouts says, "At all times be prepared."

    Posted by Sigh July 29, 09 11:24 AM
  1. I'm in the same situation! I am in grad school in DC and he is moving here for me. I'd appreciate any suggestions, especially how to handle it in the beginning when he really has no one in the city except for me

    Posted by Marie July 29, 09 11:25 AM
  1. These pretzels are making me thirsty.

    Posted by valentino July 29, 09 11:26 AM
  1. I think Meredith is right on with her advice: Make sure you have plenty of sympathy and empathy for your beaux. All the excitement of love and moving in together is so often derailed by the realities of life. But if perspective is maintained, than you two can push right though those tough situations. I imagine that he will go through periods of loneliness (no family, or male friends), and at these times he might seem "down", ill-tempered, or irrational at times. Whatever the outward sign of this uneasiness, there is a reason. So as you get ready for him to move in, think about how you can help the transition.

    But in the end, like the first comment on the page, enjoy the joy of love, and let life happen.

    Posted by jolango July 29, 09 11:26 AM
  1. He's giving up his job prospects, family, friends, and entire life just to be with you? When you've never spent any significant time together and don't even know how compatible you'll be? That sounds desperate and needy on his part. On the other hand, maybe you've spent enough vacations together to know that you're really made for each other--that's fine, but I'd try a trial period first. Try living together for a month, or a summer, or something like that, and see if it works, so that if it doesn't, he'll be able to climb out of the hole he's dug himself into.

    Posted by dottie July 29, 09 11:26 AM
  1. If you can, try to hook him up with some job contacts, even if it is people who know people who know other people. If he doesn't get a job fairly quickly and earn his own way, I think your relationship will sink. Be encouraging and helpful and patient, but do not let the weeks drag into months and then discover he's been home playing video games most of the time. Not very romantic advice, but since making a living is pretty important for survival, it takes priority.
    As far as getting along - sit down as often as you have to and discuss what each of you likes and dislikes, what your household skills are and how clean you want your place to be. Be flexible. Have fun getting to really know each other.

    Posted by JB July 29, 09 11:27 AM
  1. Are you moving into a new place together? If he's moving into your place, make sure that it becomes a home for both of you. Redecorate, repaint, pull down some of your artwork, clear out half of the closets - or more, if necessary to make him feel at home.

    Don't get lazy with romance. Schedule date nights. And plan for time apart too. As a veteran mover (11 cities before 28 yrs old and more within city moves), the best thing to do is to try to settle in as much as possible. If he relies on you for his entire support system, it won't work. You can help him, however, by researching his interests ahead of time and get him started on possibilities (e.g. sailing or crew on the Charles, yoga on the Common, art class at Boston/Brookline ed, churhces, etc.) Help him to love and explore Boston together - no need to inundate with tourist activities but see the special things around here with a leaf peeping trip, brewery tour, etc.

    Posted by Kay July 29, 09 11:31 AM
  1. I moved to Boston from Baltimore for a relationship, after we had dated long distance for close to a year and a half. we are now married, so it definitely can work out! but i agree with Meredith, this isn't going to be easy at first. When i moved, i insisted on getting my own place (we weren't engaged and i had lived alone for nearly 10 years before then) and i made every effort i could to get out and find things i like to do on my own in Boston. It is KEY for him to establish himself here in Boston - i should note that i didn't move till i had a job which i would highly recommend he has before moving here. mine even paid to relocate me which was a huge bonus.

    You should expect some pressure on your end since he's now done the hard part and moved his life, now it's your turn to support him while he's here. But at the same time, make sure he takes responsibility for making the decision to move as an adult and so that making a "go" of it is something that is a shared responsibility, not just yours.

    I wish you lots of luck. I got engaged about 6 months after moving, and i hope you have the same success. It's normal to be nervous, so make sure you maintain your sense of humor and your ability to be patient through this transition.

    Posted by alisa July 29, 09 11:32 AM
  1. I'll tell you, happy or not, I can't help but be nervous about him moving cold to Boston with no job contacts, in THIS local and national economy. Call it a hunch, but I think the biggest stressor is going to be his unemployment situation. And as for should they be living together right off the bat, how could they NOT? How could he afford a place in Boston with no job or get approved for a lease with not even a job prospect? I wish the writer had hinted a little more about this guy's financial situation and employability.

    Don't get me wrong...I think exploring this is fine. But as Meredith said, manage the expectations. And right now, in this job market, don't expect him in a corner office in the Hancock building by week two.

    Posted by Judith July 29, 09 11:32 AM
  1. Not sure, even at age 29, if I'd have a long-distance relationship move in with me. The LW and her BF haven't been together on a daily basis yet - to have someone move in without that day-to-day in-person contact could be/will be overwhelming for both - a MAJOR adjustment.

    Both should manage their expectations as to how this will work. It probably won't be sunflowers, fairytales, and and rainbows. Not sure if it's a 1BR or 2BR (or more) apt. the LW has that he's moving into - but he should have his own space - even if it's a corner of a room where he can work on finding a job. Keep in mind that NOTHING in her house/apt. will be his. No furniture; no dishes - just the clothes on his back and a few sundries -- unless he is moving his furniture into storage nearby and they're planning on accommodating whatever possessions of his can fit into her place. Either way - a disruption of sorts for both.

    Just go with the flow. Remember that it'll be a bit of an upheaval for both. Help him negotiate around Boston; help him with contacts for jobs, introduce him to friends, and good luck!

    Posted by Linda July 29, 09 11:32 AM
  1. It sounds good! I'm glad to hear that you're actually DOING it, and not making up excuses as to why you shouldn't be doing it.

    So many people are afraid of risk, of moving, of makin ga life change. It sounds like you are embracing it. Keep in mind, when you move in together, things won't be "new" for too long. It will be fu n, so embrace it, but realize when things settle, you will be in a routine with him, and hopefully you are okay with that. Plus, since he does not know anybody here, you need to be supportive of him meeting new people and maybe sharing your circle of friends to start out with.

    Posted by YouAreAllMySons July 29, 09 11:34 AM
  1. If he's moving into your place (instead of, say, the 2 of you moving to a larger place together), beware of "territorial" issues. You're used to having *all* the closet space; now you won't....you're used to the dishes being put back in a certain place, or the laundry folded a certain way; now they might not be.....and it's tough to bear in mind that it's his place, too, now, as much as yours.

    Best of luck,

    Mistral

    Posted by Mistral July 29, 09 11:35 AM
  1. My #1 piece of advice is to pick your battles.
    I moved in with my then fiance/now husband 2 years ago. There are many things he does that annoy me, but you have to learn early on when to let things go and when to ask him to adjust his behavior. Also, be ready to reciprocate. There are things we do that drive them crazy too. Despite the fact that my husband is a slob (sorry babe), he hates it when I leave clothes on the bathroom floor. Who knew!

    It seems possible that your boyfriend will be clingy at first, since he doesn't know anyone else out here. Try to be understanding until he has gotten on his feet and made some of his own friends. Best wishes!

    Posted by fram July 29, 09 11:35 AM
  1. No job contacts here? Does this mean he doesn't have a job lined up? Will you be supporting him while he's job hunting? I hope not. Moving to a new area is really stressful. Moving to a new area with no support system other than a long-distance GF and with no job would be on-the-precipice scary. I know you can't plan for every eventuality and sometimes you have to let real life take its course, but the career thing is a big, big deal and finances (or the lack thereof) are the #1 deal breaker in relationships. Unless he has living expenses set aside for a few months or lands a new job pronto, I fear resentment may also take up residence in your apartment within a short time. Be sure you have a clear understanding of the total picture before he moves here. Love is grand, but two cannot live as cheaply as one, no matter what the movies say. All that said, best wishes for your happiness.

    Posted by Kate's Nonna July 29, 09 11:35 AM
  1. This is a recipe for disaster. It will be too much too fast. You haven't even lived within 1000 miles of each other before and now you're going to live under the same roof?? Good luck with that one!

    A much better idea is for him to get his own place near you first. Get used to being in the same locale and seeing each other every day. Then if all hopefully goes well at that point, you can think about moving in together.

    Take things a step at a time, not all at once!

    Posted by Alvin July 29, 09 11:35 AM
  1. I did a similar thing, moving to Texas from New England to follow a woman I had only been dating for a few months, but with whom I had fallen in love. It was the right thing to do, as I ended up marrying her. I would recommend against the move-in, though, in spite of your chemistry. You've never experienced your relationship with him outside of the long-distance context, so things are likely to feel different for a while. Each of you would benefit from having your own apartments/homes to escape to on occasion. If, after the first year, you are still in love, then you could try the cohabitation. But doing it right from the start could feel constricting.

    Posted by hajjah July 29, 09 11:37 AM
  1. Well the job situation is better here than many parts of the country. Most colleges have alumni groups all over the country - maybe his college/university has an alumni group here? Good way for him to meet people.

    I think the transition will have its challenges, but in many ways it must be exciting to just up and move and "start over". Like Meredith said, keep realistic expectations. And good luck! It's so nice to read a letter like this.

    Posted by Patty July 29, 09 11:37 AM
  1. It's not the big stuff; it's the little things that will tear you apart, like the other 1.5 times. Here's what I've learned:
    1. Do not throw his favorite salt and pepper shaker away, no matter how greasy and disgusting it is. He will never forgive you.
    2. Do not ask him where he's going every time he gets up from the couch.
    3. Do not make fun of him when he Dust-Vacs the top of the stove. He hates crumbs more than he loves you.
    4. Don't make fun of his boxer shorts. I learned the hard way: apparantly men are really sensitive about their undies. Who knew?
    5. Don't try to shower with him. This is an invasion of privacy, and although I kind of knew this, apparantly men like to do "private" things in the shower.
    6. Stock up on Comet cleaner. See #5.

    Posted by Sally July 29, 09 11:39 AM
  1. I did this once with a New York-London relationship. My boyfriend came to New York to be with me, and we lived in my studio apartment for a while. Meredith is right about expecting frustration--my boyfriend experienced plenty of it!

    You'll learn a lot about this man when you see how he handles the stresses of the move. If he is good at taking care of himself, and making new friends and contacts, he won't be apt to take his feelings out on you. Unfortunately, my boyfriend wasn't this type, and we broke up. At the time, I thought he was the love of my life, and the dose of reality was a shock, although in retrospect, it was the best thing that could have happened. If he couldn't handle the move constructively, there was no way he'd be able to weather other of life's stresses without making me suffer for it.

    In any case, you can always explore the option of having him rent a room somewhere so that he has some space of his own if he needs it. Of course, he never has to use it, but at least it's there for him, which may be helpful psychologically. You might also ask him how he feels about couples counseling if you feel like you'll need it to help ease the transition.

    Best of luck to you both--this will be a great adventure. If you handle it with open eyes, an open heart, and maturity, you'll do great.

    Posted by Did this too July 29, 09 11:39 AM
  1. It's not the big stuff; it's the little things that will tear you apart, like the other 1.5 times. Here's what I've learned:
    1. Do not throw his favorite salt and pepper shaker away, no matter how greasy and disgusting it is. He will never forgive you.
    2. Do not ask him where he's going every time he gets up from the couch.
    3. Do not make fun of him when he Dust-Vacs the top of the stove. He hates crumbs more than he loves you.
    4. Don't make fun of his boxer shorts. I learned the hard way: apparantly men are really sensitive about their undies. Who knew?
    5. Don't try to shower with him. This is an invasion of privacy, and although I kind of knew this, apparantly men like to do "private" things in the shower.
    6. Stock up on Comet cleaner. See #5.

    Posted by Sally July 29, 09 11:41 AM
  1. I'm sure at first you will include him in your social circle, but as he gets more comfortable here you should make an effort to separate some of your activities. If you have common interests feel free to do them together. But if you ski and he doesn't or he bikes and you don't, never hold each other back from doing things you enjoy. Join a social or outdoor club and encourage him to make his own friends. When you live together, it may be important to one or both of you to have alone time...or at least know that you can take it when you need it. Moving in is about two people coming together, not about two people becoming one unit.

    Oh, and talk about money NOW. You need to be on the same page about finances or you will drive each other nuts. How free are you about spending? Savers and spenders living together are bound to have many fights.

    Posted by Sharon July 29, 09 11:41 AM
  1. C, I enjoyed your letter because I had the exact situation. I met my boyfriend a little over two years ago when we both worked together at the end of the summer I moved to Boston and he moved to Philly. We did the long distance thing for a year and last October he moved away from family and close friends to be with me. Meredith's advice was right on point to be patient and give him space. I can remember waiting at a restaurant for my boyfriend for over 30 mins because he got lost on the T. Give him time to fall in love with the city and just enjoy the closeness of having him around!!! Best of luck!

    Posted by Michelle July 29, 09 11:46 AM
  1. So many commenting on the job issue, and rightfully so. But I feel there's another issue that needs to be addressed. He's 1,000 miles away, placing him either in the south or the mid-west. He needs to become acclimated to what some see as New England coldness, and not the weather kind. We can be a reserved lot. He needs to know he shouldn't take it personally. Also, the Boston accents (yes, plural - there are more than 40 of them) - can be hard to decipher, even for those of us raised here.

    Congratulations - a breath of fredsh air after yesterday's letter about moving in with an SO.

    Posted by reindeergirl July 29, 09 11:50 AM
  1. HE won't have a job yet? Man what a dirt bag! Kick that lazy bum to the curb as soon as he gets here! Then go out and find a nice latino man to sweat all over you.

    P.S. Marie is a racist

    Posted by John Stamos July 29, 09 11:51 AM
  1. Moving 1000 miles. No job, no job prospects. No family. No friends. Just you. It's a HUGE responsibility for you to be his everything. Plan on having the first month feel like a honeymoon, then do a reality check.... unless he's a real go-getter and has lots of energy to put into this arrangement...disappointment may set in. I honestly don't want to sound negative because it certainly can work, but I just hope you go into this with both eyes open. Even though I love Meredith's advice and get a kick out of the responses, you only need to listen to your own instincts. You'll know soon enough. I wish you a lot of good fortune.

    Posted by californiadreamin July 29, 09 11:52 AM
  1. I moved from Boston to NYC for my BF (now husband) w/ out a job several years ago. The first few months were very very tough. It all worked out, and I eventually fell in love w/ NYC. My BF was there for work, so he knew lots of people, but I had no job, no money and no friends. I drove him nuts those first few months. It was such a major adjustment . In the end it was the best thing I ever did. Good luck!

    Posted by RealityChic July 29, 09 11:57 AM
  1. Wow, so many negative postings here!

    I can't believe the number of excuses that people are coming up with, and the number of people that are so concerned about him getting a job. We don't know what he does, we don't know his financial situation. For all we know, he could have two years worth of living expenses saved up. Let's not worry about that right now.

    I just say good luck, it should be exciting for BOTH of you, and hopefully it'll work out.

    Sometimes people around here can be too "structured" to the point of tedium.

    Posted by YouAreAllMySons July 29, 09 11:57 AM
  1. Does he currently have a job? Quitting to move in with you? This has bad news written all over it. He needs a job here before he moves in.

    Posted by jojobobo July 29, 09 12:00 PM
  1. I was in this position myself about a year and a half ago. I think that living seperately might be a good idea to start things off. When you are in a LDR the time you spend with your partner can often seem like a vacation. When you move in together and things like work and errands get thrown into the mix and the vacation ends. This is going to be your reality from now on. Maybe your guy can find his own place temporarily or even get a roomate, it could help him meet people and establish his "own life" here so that you are not his only constant in what will be for him a new place. Best of luck.

    Posted by carmensandiego July 29, 09 12:00 PM
  1. I did this years ago. I was 25 then. I moved to San Diego for a woman. So a couple thoughts: 1st understand that the job market sucks right now (be patient for his employment to come around). Encourage temping so he has his own money, discourage the use of credit (Credit builds future money problems and leads to resentment - trust me on this one), so for the next two months encourage cheap dates, walks in the park, freedom trail, boat watching. That way you can talk and get to know each other on a personal level that doesn't involve a phone call or vacation together. It really does make a difference.

    Fart in front of each other. It's funny..... thats all.
    Its human too!

    Join a gym, you will need it. First year is tough and you want to vent your frustrations in the appropriate place... like the gym. This might be good for him too, it was for me!

    Last, Please understand that if he doesn't have work, that it is okay to watch sportcenter continuously until noon. Guys just do that, women as a gender need to get past this.

    Oh and most of all. Good luck! These are exciting things and great to get caught up in.

    Posted by BlameMe July 29, 09 12:00 PM
  1. Sorry, but you are incorrect in classifying this as a “stable, warm, normal relationship”. You have never lived closer than 1,000 miles from each other, right? Seriously, how much dating has there been? How often have you seen him, spent time with him? I would guess that it’s been fairly limited. Perhaps 30 days total at most? Maybe you’re both rich and have been jetting back and forth on a regular basis, but I doubt it. And now he’s dropping everything to move in? No offense, but for me personally, this doesn’t sound very well thought out.

    I know you’re enamored with the thought of him impulsively dropping from the sky and into your bedroom, but I think you should take a step back and reassess. If it were me, I would talk to him about getting established in the area first. Land a job. Get an apartment. You know, act like a grown up. Then you could get more involved in each other’s lives first from the same area code, and then take further steps to progress the relationship if it continues to work out.

    FYI: I suspect that your nervousness stems more from the fact that you and your soon to be dependent, are basically going “All in” at the poker table, than it has to do with your success (or lack thereof) with prior live-in partners. That part of your letter was irrelevant, in my opinion.

    That’s all the time we’ve got for today.

    - Hoss

    Posted by Hoss July 29, 09 12:01 PM
  1. Rico here. This question is right in Rico's wheelhouse. Rico is going to take this one and run with it. Rico suggests that since he is moving to Boston, he should have a mistress on the side. Rico always likes to have a mistress for the lonely nights when he needs a little change of pace. Rico knows that moving somewhere for a chick can lead to resentment towards the dame. Rico thinks..... actually Rico knows that the best way to ease the tension is to let him be his own man, and have as many chicks as he wants. That's Rico's motto, and Rico knows all. Rico loves everyone... most of all, Rico loves himself, and loves to make himself grilled cheese sandwiches almost everday.

    Love always,

    Rico

    Posted by Rico July 29, 09 12:03 PM
  1. Good morning people of the LL congregation - it is the Reverend again.

    Let's open up to the first part of the LL Bible - LOVE, chapter six. It says here that long distance to same dwelling relationships CAN work if the people involved work hard to preserve harmony. The key word here is HARMONY. If there is no balance, no sense of togetherness, then the relationshiip is doomed to fail! When you are moving in with someone, whether they live across the street, across the country, or even across the world, you better know what you're getting into. You have to know that person very well or they will leave and your heart will be shattered into a million tiny pieces. So, now LW, please take the following advice as it is intended.

    As the Lead Minister Meredith has pointed out, you need to manage your expectations. Do not cast the shadows of your previous experiences forth into your new relationship. More importantly, though it is a very trying time for everyone, be sure that he can find work to support you and your co-habitation arrangement. If you don't soon enough, you will regret bringing him into your place because he will certainly sponge off of you until then.

    I urge you to see counsel from the other brothers and sisters here as they may have more insight to provide.

    And all of the congregation says: Good luck.

    -the Good Reverend

    Posted by TheRevHortonHeat July 29, 09 12:03 PM
  1. YIKES! this guy is moving here for you, and doesn't know anyone here? be careful, he is going to be a leach unless he has hobbies. Hopefully he gambles so he wont be around to bother you much

    Posted by peanut4649 July 29, 09 12:05 PM
  1. C - Happy for you but "dating" from a thousand miles away is not a normal relationship. This is not to say that figuring out how to be together forever is not a great idea but, having been there, I would strongly discourage moving in right away, He needs, for both your sakes, at least the seedling of his own life here before the move. He needs a full life here - job, friends - for you to even have a relationship. He needs his own space you can send him to or he can retreat to when, in the natural development of all truly normal relationships, a bit of separation is needed to let equilibrium re-establish itself.

    Posted by Been There Done That July 29, 09 12:06 PM
  1. Rico has this to add:

    Rico had his now wife move in with him after dating for a while and one thing Rico did was to give her space in the bathroom and to stock up on items he thought would make her more comfortable. Guys just like women have certain things they like so find out what they are and do some shopping before he arrives. Does he have a toothpaste he likes? Shampoo? Soap? These small things will make life easier and show that you want him to be there with you.

    As for the job part, Rico doubts this guy is going to be a leech like some seem to be thinking. Yes he needs to know about Monster.com, temp staffing agencies, recruiters, Linkedin, etc...and if he has half a brain he has already begun the search. Rico is more worried about his transition to new friends, food, etc...Boston is a very distinct area for food. We have quite a variety but at the same time it is very different from other parts of the world.

    Does he have a car? Will you be living in the city or a suburb? How much space does the apartment/house have? Do you live alone right now? Be ready to think about moving someplace new and making a new home together if things work out. Rico thinks it will work out but remember to be very patient since he is new to everything just like a new puppy or a baby...he will need to explore and learn.

    Rico will be checking back regularly today, have a nice afternoon.

    Love always,

    Rico

    Posted by Rico July 29, 09 12:06 PM
  1. Is he moving here to be with you because he can't afford to live anywhere else and you will be a nice, cushy place to crash for a while? Beware the free-loader...

    Posted by BeenThereDoneThat July 29, 09 12:07 PM
  1. Wait, are you 29 or 12 years old? He sure sounds like he's 12. His plan basically is to fly into Logan with a duffle bag of clothes and crash on your couch? Even better, you signed off on it? Yikes.

    Posted by Hadie Nuff July 29, 09 12:08 PM
  1. C,
    I wish you the best, but please approach this with eyes wide open. You sound quite young and inexperienced for a 29 year old, judging from your writing 'I sort of lived with 2 guys before' and 'I love him to pieces comment'. The fact is that you have never lived in the same city, never mind co-habitated. Your letter left me wondering, in the year since you have dated exclusively, how much time have you actually spent together? Also, your chap is willing to give up his job, friends and family for you-Ain't love grand!..But is he independently wealthy? The economy and job market here are a nightmare right now. Couple this with the fact that this is also one of the most expensive areas to live in the US, and you are flirting with relationship disaster. Also, Boston is not warm and fuzzy like other parts of the US. Is he OK with that? Toto, I've a feeling we're not in Kansas any more! How about having him take vacation (or leave of absence from work) and try an extended stay here in the Emerald City (or the Emerald Necklace at least) for a month or so. Then he can get a feel for Boston, interview for jobs and both of you can get a glimpse of what living together will be like.

    Posted by Wicked Witch of the East July 29, 09 12:10 PM
  1. He sure can fill your heart but will he fill you BANK ACCOUNT?! Uh uh honey. Get yourself a real man with the cash to back himself up. Got it girlfriend?

    Posted by Bitter women of this site July 29, 09 12:12 PM
  1. You need to take a step or two back and make sure this man is for you. Have a few one-night flings with men of different ages, races, cultures. Go to any local watering hole with a low-cut top and the men will flock to you. Once you have sampled many, many more men, you will be less confused about your current man. It's really that easy.

    Posted by Lance Romance July 29, 09 12:13 PM
  1. C,

    I'm sure many of the concerns above are legitimate and come from life experience. But a realistic version of Happily Ever After does happen, so I'd say give that a chance.

    Posted by chilled greese July 29, 09 12:14 PM
  1. Start drinking heavily or load up on the Valiums...you are making a huge mistake!!!

    Posted by Neanderthal Man Joe July 29, 09 12:15 PM
  1. In a totally romantic world where people live happily ever after, this would be a perfect letter. You have been "dating" for a year living 1000 miles apart? That's not dating. That's romanticizing over the phone. I've been and there done that -- so have my friends -- it doesn't work. Whatever fantasy the two of you have conjured up for each other over the phone will never match up once you hit the day-to-day stuff and then you have all of the other pressures to deal with: no friends, no job, etc...

    My suggestion is to have him move to Boston...to his own place. Help him find his way, but give him space to figure some things outDate him in person. Get to know him in person. Then decide.

    Posted by easydoesit July 29, 09 12:15 PM
  1. Sooner or later –
    You’re going to (need) to talk about shared finances, shared and personal responsibilities, personal space, boundaries, short term and then onto long term plans,,,etc.
    Enjoy the initial stage of the agreed upon situation and then talk about these aforementioned details later.
    Life is about taking chances – some small, some risky, some unknowingly.
    Hey, it’s life….your living the experiences….All the best to you and yours

    Posted by twocents July 29, 09 12:17 PM
  1. Maybe he can get a job as Rico's intern?

    Posted by Bustoff July 29, 09 12:17 PM
  1. Hoss is boss.

    Val is a great contributor also. Love the Seinfeld reference. Reading this letter reminds me of Elaine's long distance boyfriend coming over to stay with her and then her efforts to get his arse to the airport when it fails miserably.

    Poor Rico is up to 4 or 5 comments per day in an effort to throw as much feces on the wall in hopes that something sticks. So sad.

    Posted by Bob Dwyer July 29, 09 12:17 PM
  1. 1000 miles is huge - it's an adventure! That's how I would look at it anyway.

    I moved from Boston to Warwick, RI (south of Providence) to be with my gentleman over a year ago, and I'll agree, it was aggrivating and depressing for months. I had no friends and a hard time finding a job in the state that was to lead the nation in unemployment! It didn't help that he was working two jobs so that we could make it. It would have been so easy to give up and go home if he hadn't been encouraging and supportive, understanding of my struggles with a new place. And I had to take on the role of housewife for a while, cleaning and making dinner (I can't melt cheese on a burger) to try to do my part.
    A year later I've got as active a social calendar as I did up north, I'm showing him things around his town, and I'm not doing dishes anymore. We're happy to have gotten that experience, as tough as it was, because it brought us closer together.

    The moral of the story? Patience and persistence are virtues, and so is a good grilled cheese.

    Posted by Outside Providence July 29, 09 12:18 PM
  1. You said you're nervous about another live-in arrangement, since your two previous ones didn't go well. So why not be cautious, and delay living together? Let him get acclimated to Boston, find a job, etc. Then think about living together.

    He could probably rent a studio if his parents co-sign the lease. Alternatively, you could start looking at the "roommate wanted" postings now and put him in touch with people by email before he gets here.

    Posted by TallGirl July 29, 09 12:19 PM
  1. C, my guy and I were in a very similar situation where he was 1000 miles away and we were long distance for two years before he decided to take the plunge and move to Boston. When we decided to do this, however - we decided it would be better for him to find his own place and for me to maintain my apartment. A year after he had moved to the city and decided he loved it here, we moved in together and we have been happy cohabitating for 2 1/2 years.
    So congrats and good luck! But definitely be careful. It might keep the pressure off a little if he lives in his own place for 6 months - 1 year before you guys decide to do the move in.

    Posted by T July 29, 09 12:24 PM
  1. My God there are some negative people out there. Moving to a new city and looking for a job isn't really that weird. They've been dating for a year, so this isn't a spur of the moment thing, either. I'd not really worry about the freeloader since he's not going to have friends to hang out with all day, drink beer and play video games with. He'll likely want to get out and get a job, just to get out of the apartment.

    To the LW, since you have an open and honest relationship, I'd get the financial issues sorted out first. What's his expectation for getting a job? How will you split the bills, etc.

    I'd also echo the other statements about making him welcome. Women seen to fill every closet available with shoes and clothes if they can (and then begin to branch out elsewhere and fill up plastic bins in storage areas). Make sure that he feels that he actually lives there -- which means putting his clothes in real furniture and not a collection of plastic bins.

    Also talk about how (and when) things get cleaned up and what your standards for cleanliness are. Some people are slobs, others aren't. And some people are slobs about some things and not others.

    Posted by K July 29, 09 12:25 PM
  1. DANGER WILL ROBINSON!!! This is a happy letter? How can you so blatantly set yourself up for failure? I’m crying as we speak. Obviously, the reason you’re going to live together is for financial reasons. At their inception, I expect money is behind 70% of all shack-up arrangements. The other 30% are being held hostage and haven’t filed a restraining order. Perhaps you could test your relationship before you set it ablaze. How about if he got himself a job and found a roommate situation? Then you could start dating in person as opposed to online and of the mind. That’s why these relationships develop between incarcerated men and their freebird groupies. …There’s no real life measure: “Love that hot spiderweb tattoo…btw, why do you shave your head?” Instead, you want to throw the cold cream into the hot oil. It’s going to curdle! He won’t be lost on 93 for long…Boston Cab is hiring.

    Posted by valentino July 29, 09 12:26 PM
  1. 1. Get a new place together.
    2. Let him have a man cave.

    Number 2 might seem like only he is getting something out of this. But trust me, the peace of mind this creates for you is priceless!

    Posted by Get-a-man-cave-she-said July 29, 09 12:27 PM
  1. "He should expect..."

    ...that he will will have a difficult, if not impossible, time making friends. Having lived here for five years after moving to the area, I would say this is the one thing that could break your relationship. Unless he is extremely outgoing and gregarious, he may have no one but you to spend time with. You need to recognize this and manage it appropriately - whether it be inviting him out with you and your friends, or making sure you spend a lot of time with just him and that your friends won't chastise you for it (which women seem to do, though men don't).

    Boston is a very tough town, but more than anything Meredith mentions, it is socially challenging.

    Posted by Andrew July 29, 09 12:30 PM
  1. "...move in with me."

    That's an important point. C, you won't be living togther. He will be a permanent guest - using your stuff, invading your space, etc - until you create a home together.

    There may be a lot of tension and resentment.

    Have a very long conversation with him and design an alliance on making it work. Put the work in before he arrives. Iron out all the details, each of you expressing exactly what you'll need in terms of support, etc.

    - Rick


    Posted by New England Expatriate July 29, 09 12:35 PM
  1. I don't think people are being overly negative, as has been commented by a few. Precarious job/financials situations and questionable living arrangements with someone you admit you haven't spent much extended in-person time with ARE extremely difficult life situations to deliberately get yourself into. Of course it can work, but it's not moonlight and roses. Yet the LW seems to write with a starry eyed innocence of someone who really believes it IS moonlight and roses. Like I said earlier, I wish she had included a bit more about his financial situation. I don't think it's out of line to examine that VERY pertinant piece of info.

    Posted by Ally July 29, 09 12:42 PM
  1. Remember, C, the comments here are more about the commenters' own experiences and belief systems than they are about you. If someone lives by fear, they will tell you about the negatives. If someone has had positive experiences with long-distance turned live-in love, they will be optimistic and give you practical advice. (They are the most helpful to you right now.) I commend you for taking the risk. Life should be lived, not feared, so go for it!

    Posted by mac July 29, 09 12:44 PM
  1. Only do this if you are okay with the idea that it could take him over a year to land a steady job. That's how long it is taking many people, who are local and know the job market better, right now. That doesn't mean he has to be a freeloader. There are lots of couples where one brings home the bacon and the other fries it up in the pan. Is he okay being the bacon-fryer?

    I would establish some basic expectations that while he is unemployed he is responsible for cooking, cleaning, errand-running, laundry. That way, he feels he is contributing in a meaninful way, and you don't feel taken advantage of by a leach. Also, this gives him reasons to get out and about each day instead of languishing at home - to pick up your dry-cleaning, buy your favorite non-fat yogurt at the grocery store, take your car to the garage to figure out what that ping is.

    He is going to need reasons to get out of the house instead of sleeping in all day long, and waiting anxiously by the door like a lonely puppy for your arrival. I think your biggest challenge may be that you will start to feel overly responsible to be his family, his friend, his tour guide, his entertainment - his everything - not just his lover.

    Unless he is a #1 slob. In which case, your biggest challenge may be that. Have you seen his current apartment? Is he neat, or slovenly? It's important that you two see eye to eye on this. Two neat-freaks or two slobs go together better than a neat-freak and a slob. I cannot tell you how many of my friends are extremely unhappy in their otherwise perfect marriages, because their husbands don't notice dirt like they do.

    Otherwise, the secrets to happy living under the same roof are:

    1) Always close the bathroom door.
    2) Never, ever fart in front of each other - it's NOT funny, and it's definitely not sexy.
    3) Remember to say please and thank you. Manners count, big-time.
    4) Don't insist housework be done your way.
    5) If you tend towards cold feet, put socks on before entering the bed.
    6) Yes, you DO snore - thank you for seeing a doctor about that.
    7) There is room for yours, mine and ours.
    8) Be laid back and forgiving.
    9) Men: put the toilet seat down and don't hog the remote
    10) Women: he's not a mind-reader and it doesn't matter how the socks are folded

    Closing with anecdote (stop reading if you hate those): I have a really hard time living with anyone - man or woman. Love, unfortunately, isn't always enough. I have lived with other men in the past and learned that it's not enough. Heck, even my family, my closest, dearest friends, drive me crazy after a few days!!

    My husband and I lived together before marrying, and I knew I was doing the right thing because it was so EASY living with him. It's the little things. We see eye-to-eye on the level of cleanliness we want, and how often we should eat at home versus go out. We're both night people. Around the house he likes to do the tasks I don't care for, and vice versa. He says please and thank you and appreciates - even after all these years - all the little things I do for him, and vice versa. And, in our case, we both love our city of Boston and wouldn't ever consider living anywhere else. I hope for you and your boyfriend you find the same. You really won't know what it's like to live with him, until you try. Good luck!


    Posted by anecdotal evidence July 29, 09 12:44 PM
  1. “Please Come to Boston, She Just Said, Nooooo” Haiku

    Boyfriend extracted
    Like a fetus from its womb
    Are you lactating?

    Posted by valentino July 29, 09 12:51 PM
  1. Hoss is 100% wrong and an idiot. He is obnoxious, condescending and outright stupid. Listen to your heart, be smart, be open, be yourself. You love him, he loves you and you want to be together...Enjoy it and live your lives and everything will work itself out. Be realistic and courteous and patient with one another.

    Posted by Hoss is a tool July 29, 09 12:51 PM
  1. John Stamos (28): Marie (#7) is a racist? Huh?

    Posted by Benji July 29, 09 12:55 PM
  1. M hit it outta dah pahk again. Take her advice. Good luck and I hope you and your guy spend the rest of your lives in loving bliss, peace, happiness, and prosperity!


    Posted by Amazed July 29, 09 12:56 PM
  1. 1. You need 2 bathrooms. Men poop all the time. You don't realize how many times men poop until you live with them. If you don't have 2 bathrooms then look for a new apartment together.
    2. I definitely think your apartment needs to be large enough that you are not right on top of each other, preferable 1000sq+
    3. Get a maid
    4. Your guy doesn't seem like a loser, so I'm sure he'll find a job and make new friends in no time.

    Posted by trueluv4eva July 29, 09 01:05 PM
  1. Bob Dwyer is Hoss under another name? Do you actually have anything to say to help the letter writer or are you just more interested in talking about what others say or do? I know Rico won't stoop to your level because Rico loves all but I hope he reads this and knows that I stuck up for him.

    To those of you suggesting he live on his own to start here, hello we are in a recession. It is the right time to be living with someone, not renting a second place while looking for work and new friends in a new city. If I were moving somewhere it would be a great help to have aplace to stay as I got my feet on the ground. What if it doesn't work out? He has a lease for a year and no job or friends and an ex-girlfriend? Be realistic, move in together and if it works (I think it will) great and if not then he moves out to his own place or back to wherever he came from.

    Nowhere in the letter does she mention him being penniless so to assume so is just dumb and shortsighted. She loves the guy, he loves her and wants to move here to be with her. That takes some initiative and if I had a job for him I would hire him in a second with those attributes.

    Follow your heart and good things will come to you. Don't listen to an angry troll like hoss or bob dwyer or dr k, they are useless losers desperate for attention.

    I got your back Rico, I'd be your wingman anytime. See you at Bike Friday?

    Posted by You people are angry July 29, 09 01:09 PM
  1. I would be very wary of this... remember you are the only thing in Boston he knows and wants. He has no friends of his own, and no life of his own in Boston. It is likely in situations like this that he will cling to you and your friends. You need to ask yourself what is going to happen if you break up. He moved to Boston for YOU. What happens if you get sick of him, or realize after living with him a while that the romance just isn't there and/or you are annoyed by him. Do you have issues with people who cling to you or don't give you enough space? If so you might feel confined by him. Consider all of this.

    I also would ask you to consider the true reason you are attracted to him and the relationship. There is much novelty that comes with long distance relationships. They feel powerful, and invigorating becuase after all that travel and effort the reward is seeing each other. It's like a game... it's unique and if you take that novelty away, you must ask yourself honestly if you think you'll still feel the same way about him.

    I can tell you from experience that these arrangements have a HIGH rate of failure. And you must always be willing to honestly question your motivations in such relationships. Also, breakups in these situations are BITTER BITTER BITTER because usually the person who didn't move initiates the breakup. This is likely becuase that person is rooted in their location and values other things in their life. Those who are willing to just pack up and move across the country aren't rooted and are searching for something they don't have. They tend to be needy and clingy, and this man COULD have all his eggs in one basket for his happiness... YOUR basket. In my experience, you can't derive all your happiness from one person. You need to be happy with many aspects of your life, including friends, family, career, hobbies etc.

    If you do go through with this... for the sake of you, him and the relationship... insist that he makes some of his own friends... encourage him to take up hobbies you don't share with him. Make sure he gets out of the house and has a life of his own. It will bring the two of you closer together and it will maintain your unique identities. Afterall...remember, you fell in love with each other based on the people you were when you met. When one or more in a couple cease to participate in the lives that made them who they are, and exclusively focus on the relationship only, they become shadowy figures of who they used to be. You'll likely argue and bicker and eventually the little arguments are what kills an otherwise happy relationship.

    Good luck!

    Posted by Nicholas Novello July 29, 09 01:19 PM
  1. 21 years ago, my husband moved from Ireland to be with me. 18 years of marriage and 2 children later, it can work! Good luck!

    Posted by Irish Eyes July 29, 09 01:21 PM
  1. #64 and others, there is a reason why LW is writing in and why the thought of what is about to happen (i.e. her boyfriend leaving everything behind and moving into her apartment) makes her "nervous". There are realities of life that extend beyond folks patting you on the back and saying "Enjoy it...everything will work itself out" and other trite cliches.

    It's not being "negative" to suggest that the LW and her boyfriend at least consider the current economy, job market, and the radical change from LD to under the same roof.

    Posted by been there, wanted to enjoy it, had it fall apart due to lack of planning July 29, 09 01:21 PM
  1. Moving for you with no job may sound romantic, but there is a strong chance that the reality will be different. As adults, we all have a responsibility to hunt and gather, no matter how much we happen to euphemize these basic activities in the modern context. In other words, he needs food, clothing and shelter like everyone else. If he cannot find a job, who will he depend on for his physical, mental, and social sustenance, in addition to the romantic kind? I see love as interdependent, rather than just dependent. A delicious dance of equals. That said, I wish you the best. We all love stories like this when they have happy endings.

    Posted by tjdurant July 29, 09 01:28 PM
  1. I got a beauty from NY to move to Boston to be with me after only knowing each other for two weeks!

    Granted it was through a mutual friend and the only reason she came two weeks before September 1st was so we could get to know each other and search for an apartment - late, I know.

    Now we're super hott for each other and we're moving into a one bedroom apartment together. I'ma marry her.

    Posted by Smart Ones July 29, 09 01:30 PM
  1. I got a beauty from NY to move to Boston to be with me after only knowing each other for two weeks!

    Granted it was through a mutual friend and the only reason she came two weeks before September 1st was so we could get to know each other and search for an apartment - late, I know.

    Now we're super hott for each other and we're moving into a one bedroom apartment together. I'ma marry her.

    Posted by Smart Ones July 29, 09 01:30 PM
  1. I got a beauty from NY to move to Boston to be with me after only knowing each other for two weeks!

    Granted it was through a mutual friend and the only reason she came two weeks before September 1st was so we could get to know each other and search for an apartment - late, I know.

    Now we're super hott for each other and we're moving into a one bedroom apartment together. I'ma marry her.

    Posted by Smart Ones July 29, 09 01:30 PM
  1. Greetings to one and all in that mighty name of "Jesus". Each Christian of whom know him in the power of His resurrection...or, maybe I should say...those who are well acquainted with the fact, that He truly did come back from the dead...also appeared to his disciples.

    Thomas was invited by Jesus to feel the nail prints within His hands. So, those who also have been convinced by only having His spirit to convince them, having never had the opportunity to feel the nail prints in his hands, as did Thomas: Jesus said blessed are those who have seen and then believed, but greater are the blessings that rest upon those who have never seen, but still believe.

    I am a full time writer and an ordained minister. I have written three books so far. My first book: Reviving the dead church, by reminiscing the day of Pentecost. The second one is: Beyond the Golden Sunset and by the Crystal Sea. My third book: Off to visit the Prophet Elijah, on this one, the contract to publish has been completed and soon the book will be published.
    Warm regards

    William Dunigan
    www.eloquentbooks.com/BeyondTheGoldenSunsetAndByTheCrystalSea.html -

    WW

    Posted by William Dunigan July 29, 09 01:34 PM
  1. Like I always say "Life is one big crapshoot" - go for it.

    Posted by Been around July 29, 09 01:38 PM
  1. C, I had a situation very similar to yours, and it worked out really well for me. My girlfriend (now wife) moved here over 5 years ago, and we've been married for the last 3.

    I think your boyfriend needs to have a plan once he comes here. When my wife moved to Boston, she was already enrolled in a graduate degree program. That gave her an instant set of her own friends that she could use as an outlet. Your boyfriend needs to get his own life in Boston, so he can feel more independent and you don't feel that he's an anchor that you're dragging around everywhere you go.

    As far as living together, that we never a problem for us. I made a concerted effort to make her feel that "my place" was now "our place."

    Good luck!

    Posted by Mike S. July 29, 09 01:41 PM
  1. Not that you need to be told, but your relationship is about to change dramatically and neither of you can say whether it will be for better or worse. You have not had the benefit of spending lots of uninterrupted time together and so you have no way of knowing what your relationship will begin to look like when you are suddenly thrust together constantly. And it WILL be constantly, since he knows absolutely no one else apart from you and your network.

    It's really easy to maintain an intensely romantic 'spark' when you are far away from someone. In many ways, it's like a perpetual honeymoon phase. You get to re-learn about each other every time you come together, which keeps the relationship fresh and exciting. The sex is fantastic and you're super eager to please one another.

    The two of you have no idea what's going to happen when the honeymoon ends. Will that spark remain or will it fizzle out after a few months or a year? Are your everyday behaviors and habits even compatible? Can you tolerate the irritating quirks we all have that only time and proximity can reveal? You have no way of knowing these things.

    Add to it the money situation and you've got a potential recipe for disaster. If he can't get a job for a long time, are you prepared to support him? Has he agreed to take on a menial job or jobs he may not necessarily want in the event that he simply can't land his dream job? I hope these are things you've discussed and are prepared to deal with.

    Personally, I think it's a dumb idea. But hey, dumb ideas do tend to work out from time to time, so there's always a chance. My only advice is to make sure the two of you have a serious back up plan for all of the things that could possibly go wrong rather than pretend they don't exist and simply wait for them to rear their ugly heads.

    Posted by Rae July 29, 09 01:41 PM
  1. Then again, could we take a hint from Greek tragedy? Think of Jason and Medea, or Ariadne and Theseus, and how those LDRs worked out. One woman ends up being abandoned on a beach; one man ends up with his second wife in flames. I hope the L/W's love is not such a flawed hero, and being daughters of a royal house does not mean protection from cads.

    Posted by reindeergirl July 29, 09 01:42 PM
  1. Go for it!

    From personal experience, My boyfriend and I started dating while he was in his 4th year of Med school. I was settled and had a career, and he was jetting to a new location every month for rotations. Our relationship was inevitably long-distance.
    We absolutely adore each other and had the exact same kind of warm, normal, loving, caring relationship as you describe. A couple months before his graduuation we decided that I would move to Texas with him (where his residency is) ad that we would give our relationship the opportunity to really grow and blossom.
    We made the move together and it has been WONDERFUL. Granted, it has had it's ups and downs. There have been frustrations, annoyances, hurdles, obstacles, etc. But there has also been a deep growth between us and our love. We can't imagine not seeing each other everyday and being able to spend each day together. We have become integral parts of each others lives and it is absouletly amazing.
    The most important advice I can give, and the thing that WE remind each other when times get tough and we hit a rough patch is the fact that we are here for each other, and for 'Us'. We're a team. We remind each other that regardless of what hardships and obstacles we may face, we have each other and if we never forget what it is about the other person that we love and cherish so much, you can overcome it all.

    Keep your eye on the prize, and never lose sight of whats important.

    You and your boyfriend.

    Posted by EastCoastGirl July 29, 09 01:46 PM
  1. C - Don't listen to those who are saying you're making a mistake. It absolutely CAN work. I have done it. I lived in a different state and moved to Boston to be with him. No friends, family, job, and I knew pretty much nothing about Boston. We had only dated for 6 months, seeing each other every couple of weeks or so. I'm sure there will be some tough times for you both, but hopefully you're able to work through them and be okay. It sounds like you've known each other for quite some time, so I really wouldn't be worried.

    Wishing you the best!!

    Posted by EastieGirl July 29, 09 01:49 PM
  1. Wow! Can I be your boyfriend too?!?!?! There is NO WORK ANYWHERE around here. So basically you will be supporting him; and your reward for going to work all day, will be him sitting around getting stoned playing XBOX and/or banging all your hot neighbors and friends. You guys have not lived together and have been on "Long Distance Party Manners", this will have all kinds of unforeseen circumstances and conflicts. What did PT Barnum once say?...

    Posted by DudeGuyKidDudeGuy666 July 29, 09 01:52 PM
  1. Wow! So much negativity today! I love the idea that your BF is moving to be with you. I would have him try to do the job search thing, as much as possible, before arriving in Boston. Some leads may help him settle in. I know my husband was antsy when unemployed.

    Second, I think that as long as you both know there's going to be an adjustment period, you'll be fine. There will be little things that annoy you like the toilet seat being left up, perhaps he pushes the toothpaste from the top instead of the bottom, or some other little things like that.

    I wish you loving bliss, happiness and prosperity. Just know that there will be that adjustment period where you'll need some time and space.

    Best of luck!

    Posted by RITKat July 29, 09 02:02 PM
  1. First off - Sally.....You rock!

    C,
    If he flops his sleeping bag and backpack on the couch and starts hanging Star Wars posters all over the house, then you may have some problems.
    Otherwise, remember it ain't going to be easy. I hope it does work for you both.
    Please write back here in 3 months and let us all know how things worked out.
    Seriously. Congratualtions and best of luck---- but be careful.

    DrK


    Posted by DrK July 29, 09 02:04 PM
  1. Valentino...given today's headline in Worcester? VERY tacky haiku. Bring back the harmless song lyrics.

    Posted by big dummy July 29, 09 02:07 PM
  1. Jerry/Val/Andy--
    Meow.

    Posted by Sally July 29, 09 02:08 PM
  1. I was in the same situation 4 years ago when my boyfriend moved 500 miles, into my studio apartment, sans job. If there are any professional organizations in his field in Boston have him join - that's how my bf found work within a month of moving. And find some fun, low-cost date things to do (a picnic in the park or going for happy-hour drinks some place) so you enjoy being in the same city finally. We've been happily married for three years now - it can definitely work out!

    Posted by e July 29, 09 02:09 PM
  1. Valentino,
    I don't think I've ever read anything more offensive (#63). Doesn't anyone edit these posts?

    Posted by mike July 29, 09 02:11 PM
  1. you have been dating a guy 1000 miles away, thats not a normal, stable relationship.

    my advice , don't have him move in, you really dont' t know each other

    Posted by Salem Guy July 29, 09 02:14 PM
  1. This is the best advice you will get on this thread.

    If he doesn't already have one, buy him a GPS unit for his car. It will save you hundreds of phone calls asking for directions to places you've never been.

    I had a GF move here from Calif. She wasn't exactly thrilled when she got the gift(she was expecting something more romantic) but later she raved that it was the best gift she ever got.

    Then relax and have fun showing him Boston.

    Posted by sean July 29, 09 02:18 PM
  1. Valentino,
    I don't think I've ever read anything more offensive (#63). Doesn't anyone edit these posts?

    Posted by mike July 29, 09 02:18 PM
  1. I think the whole job issue shouldn't be as much of a factor people are making it out to be. He has a far better chance of landing a job if he's living here. And what if he decided to take that advice, not make the move until he lands a job. What if he was never able to land a job because he's so far away and the long distance relationship went on with the expectations of them eventually living in the same area and this did not happen. Do they give up on their love or let the relationship fizzle because of a stupid job? "Yeah we called it quits because he couldn't find a job in order to move here." That's just dumb. Trust me they will make it work if it's really love and he'll be able to find a job. At first it may not be a job he likes but he'll be able to find something whether it be a temp. job or a job in the service industry he'll be able to find something. I'm about to do the same thing and pick up and move to San Diego although not for love. I've had the California dream for as long as I can remember and I'm finally acting on it. I've applied to a number of jobs and got some responses back but in the end most employers would rather not take the chance on an out of state resident. They all said if I really want to move and live there I should just do so and then job search.

    Posted by Sean July 29, 09 02:19 PM
  1. Please don't have him move in with you right off the bat. You met only a year ago and recently started "dating" long distance. In other words .. you don't really know his habits and vice versa. If he has no job here .. even worse. You will be footing the bill for everything.

    Have him take a step back, look for a job here then his own apartment. Live apart for a while and see how things go. After several months to a year of him getting to know Boston and you a bit better you can both decide if living together is the logical next step.

    Posted by ReadingRocket July 29, 09 02:25 PM
  1. Evidently Anecdotal evidence is a little (lot) ridgid, or just cold, puritanical (my spelling could be jack up there!),or just living with a lot of shame!

    Farting is, YES IS, funny. When was Jim Carrey not funny!!! And when you get older and have a daughter, it is even funnier when she toots, smiles and giggles out a "I farted" with a boston accent. We wouldnt have the joy of rolling around on the floor laughing about this if we taught her that farting wasn't funny but it was shameful and something only to be done in private.

    And by the way living together does not need to be sexy all the time, that is a rediculous assumption if anyone is living with that burden!!!

    But then again we also have an open door policy on the Bathroom and as a result our daughter was fully potty trained before she was 18 months old. We did nothing other than tell her that is what this room is for. She decided that she wanted to be like mommy and daddy.

    I could rebut all of her 10 things, but it is not fun, I don't want to pick on her style tastes. Mine are different, and much more accepting of people as a whole.

    I will say that my manners are polished with the precision of military officers , but in a fun and loving relationship the only thing that is truly needed is that each person doesn't take advantage of the other. At all times protect and revere your relationship, good ones are precious!

    I can't imagine anyone not feeling somewhat, if not extremely repressed under anecdotal evidences 10 rules. I do hope I am wrong and you can manage #8 and you are laid back and forgiving.

    Sorry you can Blame me for going off topic. If you want to do this, then love it and embrace the adventure and challenge and most of all don't regret the effort you put in.

    Posted by BlameMe July 29, 09 02:27 PM
  1. Don't let negative/bitter people get to you! The same situation happened to me years ago and everything worked out great! He got a job and we are now engaged. I remember people telling me are you crazy? Thank goodness I didn't listen to them! If you risk nothing you get nothing!

    Posted by whatever July 29, 09 02:30 PM
  1. OK, the guy wants to move to Boston so he can spend more time with you. And you want that too. Fine. But living together at your place sounds a little crazy. There is a point where “just let life happen” becomes “how did I get into this mess” and that point is just around the corner for you.

    Break it down. Week two of your third cohabitation. You leave for work in the morning. As you head out the door, he is hunched over his coffee in the kitchen in his boxers “reading” the classifieds. He grabs the remote and crashes on the coach as soon as you close the door. When you come home after work, there he is. All dejected and down because he spoke with no one all day. And the 250 resumes he sent out (thanks for helping with that!) have gone no where. To cheer him up, you take him out to dinner again. After two beers he tells you about the call he had with his mother earlier in the day and she needs an answer about Thanksgiving. Are we going or not? After paying the bill, you head home and go to bed, while he hits the coach tunes in Conan, because he can’t sleep.

    Posted by July 29, 09 July 29, 09 02:32 PM
  1. #68: "I know Rico won't stoop to your level because Rico loves all but I hope he reads this and knows that I stuck up for him."

    Translation: Rico writing about Rico in his own posts but unwilling to put 'Rico' as the author.

    To the Letter writer, what is the real reason that you are so nervous about this? There's got to be more to it.

    Posted by Steve from Western MA July 29, 09 02:32 PM
  1. Two days in a row, I get bad press from angry posters complaining that I am an angry poster?
    What did I do? I mean, other than having a beer with Hoss at Rico's place.

    DrK

    Posted by DrK July 29, 09 02:39 PM
  1. Have him get a job first, then move in. Otherwise you WILL be supporting him entirely.

    Posted by BobL-FF July 29, 09 02:42 PM
  1. Perfect segue from yesterday's letter of my ex girlfriend must move here from another country dammit even though I don't love her and only feel warm and fuzzy like a good puppy dog :-)

    Regarding this letter....my ex moved across country for me and we went from a brief long distance dating to living in a tiny studio together. He had a ton of other issues (including alcoholism that I didn't see when dating), so it ended up not working out, but since you already have lots of history from your years of being friends first and then boyfriend/girlfriend, sounds like this could work out. Only caveat I would say is....make sure he's indeed coming to you for the right reasons and not to escape something. If his life has been stagnant and he's escaping responsibilities there, then make sure you're not the oasis in the desert. Otherwise, he will drag you down. If though he's had a fulfilling life living where he's been and he's not escaping anything, but making a mature decision to be with the one he loves, then a good sign. I see some have suggested you help him find a job, but in this era of electronic communications, you really don't need to. If he has a solid work history, he can be making his own contacts through facebook, linkedin, and twitter. I'm sure he knows somebody that knows somebody that knows somebody that lives in the Boston area. He can also be using boston.com, monster, and a ton of other job sites to look for Boston jobs. Obviously, you can assist with getting word out to your network as well, but HE should be taking primary responsibility to find his job.

    Other than his job search, make sure you have open communication before and after he gets here regarding expectations...not just of the relationship, but of the household issues. Will he be paying half the rent/mortgage? When does it start...as soon as he moves in? when he gets job? Will he find a fill-in job if he can't find his dream job in his field within a few weeks/months? What about other bills (cable/phone/etc)? If you expect him to pay half, does he know how much that is? What are his plans to meet other people and socialize? Do you have faith that he won't look to you for his full social life or is he someone independent who has a range of interests that can have a balance of independence/coupleness? If you are confident that you have open communication and will continue to do so, and he's not escaping anything, and the two of you are clear on where this relationship is going and not just kickin' it to save money, then I say go for it. There are no guarantees with everything, but as long as good thought is put into it and both people have good intentions, even if it doesn't work out for the long haul, it should be a positive experience for both of you.

    Posted by bklynmom July 29, 09 02:44 PM
  1. @anecdotal evidence - which of these things is not like the others? I'm picking number 8. Do you iron your sheets and secretly wish you were Martha Stewart?

    Posted by K July 29, 09 02:49 PM
  1. I think the reality that everyone is sharing is good, but if you let all their negativity get you down before you begin, you are doomed. As Meredith said manage expectations, but still enjoy each other.

    Also, it is now his place, too. I realize that you aren't married, and if he doesn't have a job, he may not be able to help with the rent. So technically this isn't true, but don't hold it against him. He's giving up a lot, including his home. He needs to feel like he truly has a new one. As others have suggested, be sure he has his own space, his own stuff, and be ready to let him have some control over the style of the place.

    The job thing is my biggest concern. Not necessarily because of money, but because that's where we spend so much time, and make so many connections outside of the home. Also, to some extent we are defined by our jobs. His ego may take a beating if he becomes defined as only your BF. I hope for you both your sakes he can find something relatively quickly.

    At some point in a relationship, long distance needs to end, so I do think this is a reasonable step for you and him. I hope it works out.

    Posted by two sheds July 29, 09 02:53 PM
  1. Holy cow! You are dating a jobless wedding crusher. Ok, that's not my concern for you. The concern is that on your writing I don't read a sense of real excitement. Maybe it is because the two failed instainces before, but still there is a possibility that you are not ready for this level of commitment with this guy. You should pay attention to how you really feel and don't make it third time a charm just because.

    The answer to your question is simple: be yourself. That is the only way to make
    living-together work. Trying too hard to make something work usually make it worse.
    Consciously trying creates tension which will make both of you uncomportable.

    Don't worry about the logistics. Moving to a new place and finding his surroundings pose no stress on any normal guy. He is not a baby. Don't take away from him the fun and excitement of exploring a new place on his own.

    Posted by GoodLuck July 29, 09 02:55 PM
  1. "Do you and the readers have any advice for me about how to live together successfully"---------

    No.

    No. No. No.

    I am a strong proponent AGAINST living together.

    Period.

    Too many relations SKIP the getting to know eachother stage, that means lots of time spent together intermixed with SPACE! Something this generation seems to hold no value. Many a promising relationship has been ruined by moving in TOO SOON. Dating someone for a few years is perfectly adequate for knowing if you are marriage material. Statistics prove it. Even of modern couples of today. Massachusetts has the lowest divorce rate in the nation, and of those who have a strongest marriages eve in this state, are those who abstained from cohabitating before marriage. After dating a few years, knowing eachother very well, coming home from you honeymoon to your new home together for the first time is an exciting and thrilling jolt. A wonderful fun way to start a marriage. If you've survived years of courtship, with lots of together time, spend lots of time over eachother's places, you are fine, just fine, as far as how you will relate when you finally cohabitate as man and wife. This generation needs to stop robbing themselves of romance, and stop overburdening their relationships too early.

    Assuming you date this man for the next two years on your way to wed, in that time, there may be many fights, misunderstandings, even possibly some breaks where you do not speak for a few weeks or possibly months. That is FINE! That is the getting to know eachother, and yourself, stage.

    NOTHING allows someone to cool off, imagine life without someone, reflect on their own behavior ,than doing so in your own apartment. Imagine that peaceful state of reflectoin after a fight, while the person you are mad at is 10 feet from you watching sports TV. Instead of having time and space to reflect, you will boil with anger at his presence. What KILLS relationships is to mix cleaning the bathroom with courtship. Have you no romance in you? It's important. Very important. Many married couples lose their marriages due to a lack of romance. THIS is the dating stage. DATE. Do not argue about taking the trash out now! Build a foundation before you add life's stresses to them.

    Tell him you are very excited about him coming, but have him get his OWN PLACE!!!! STay over however many days during the week you wish, but keep your own place!!!!! You will put MUCH LESS stress on a relationship in allowing it to mature if you allow yourselves your own space, your own places to live.

    Couples who cohabitate have MUCH higher divorce rates. More often they marry due to intertia, not because cohabitating helped them learn anything. In fact, it suffocates your ability to learn, reflect, self examine.

    Don't do it. Send him these reasons why. Tell him you WANT it to work and for that reason ,you want to keep your own places.


    Good luck.


    Posted by A few grey hairs and quite a bit of life behind me July 29, 09 02:59 PM
  1. C,
    A year ago, I was in similar shoes, and I agree with everyone about the GPS! And also that he should find some clubs or professional organizations to join. Hopefully, he's already looked up a few online.

    Job stuff aside, I recommend giving a lot of thought to boundaries, physical and otherwise, before he moves in. Make sure you talk about them. Will he get a set of car keys? Will he automatically be invited to all your family events? What about your weekly night with friends? Will you each get a closet? What do you feel comfortable lending out? What do you like to do that you refuse to compromise? It can be tempting to share everything with someone you love, from apt. space to activities to friends (trust me, we've tried). But you have to allow for individuality, too, because you love them as a person, not as a doormat/taskmaster/nag/bad roommate.

    I had to reclaim some of my stuff and personal time after the first year living with my boyfriend. Now, we're both happier. Living with him has been one of the toughest but most rewarding things I've ever done.

    Posted by just throwing this out there July 29, 09 02:59 PM
  1. Just to be clear...you are allowing a jobless, friendless man to move into your home because you really, really like each other? Sounds like a mature, well thought out decision. I'd wish you good luck, but I don't think you'll need it.

    Posted by Kay-Man July 29, 09 03:00 PM
  1. Agree Val you should be ashamed of yourself for that reference.

    Posted by Alvin July 29, 09 03:03 PM
  1. I agree with Meredith and Caroline

    I would suggest maybe him getting his own place? It might make the transition smoother and less "pressure" on the "couple", he can get his own job (assuming he plans to), and make some of his own friends as well. the space of his own place may be beneficial for you both.

    Posted by Christine July 29, 09 03:06 PM
  1. Agree, Val, your free speech right should be censored due to complete coincidence.

    Posted by Sally July 29, 09 03:09 PM
  1. He is a doctor, dentist, CPA, Lawyer? We don't know. He may very well get a job the moment he lands here or maybe he just starts his own business. We don't know.

    He wants to come move in with her by his own suggestion. She wants him to move in but wasn't sure how to ask. Sounds like two people that want to live together.

    She only wants to know how to help the transition from bf/gf 1,000 miles apart to living together.

    Read the letter carefully, she is nervous because it is her first time living with a bf that she loves and loves her back.

    GO FOR IT!!!

    GPS, I think Rico said it first. He is a very wise man.

    Posted by Not dr gates July 29, 09 03:12 PM
  1. I really want to add this after wishing you good luck a moment ago - I don't want to rain on your parade, but you have dated this guy for quite a while, right? You have met his family and friends, right? If not, having him moving-in is a big no-no. If you don't know much about him, then he could be either: your prince charming or simply a jobless drifter looking for free room and board and some free sex on the side.

    again,
    Good luck

    Posted by GoodLuck July 29, 09 03:22 PM
  1. Yo Grey Hairs, did you cut & paste that from the three previous times that you've given your "I am a strong proponent AGAINST living together" lecture? Next time, bring the abridged version. Oh, and maybe you can wow us with the joys of living alone with multiple cats speech that you've convinced yourself of, too.

    Disclaimer: This post is in honor of DudeGuyKidBuddyBroHomey who outdid himself today. Well done.

    Posted by Hadie Nuff July 29, 09 03:22 PM
  1. Be amused! He is going to have habits, and they may not match with what you visualize. There will be a learning phase where you need to let him just do his thing and observe. How long does it take him to get ready to go out? Does he prefer doing dishes or putting them away? Does he want bathroom privacy or does he think its okay if you wander in at anytime? At some point some things will go from amusing to endearing, and others will go from amusing to annoying, but none of that has to happen on the 1st day.

    Give him space to be himself. Take space to be yourself. GO OUT! He needs to form his own friendships and contacts. Let him have the space to do that.

    I hope everything works out!

    Posted by Trina W July 29, 09 03:24 PM
  1. Dear C,
    Without having read any of the other comments, I will give you my advice. I am on your boyfriends side of the situation. I lived in Seattle my whole life and after dating my Fiance for over a year decided to move here to Boston to be with him. It was the best decision I have ever made. It was his idea for me to move, but I did not object. I knew he was the one for me so I did it even though everyone told me I shouldn't. Your boyfriend being the one to suggest it is great because you know he really wants to, instead of him just doing it because you want him to. Follow your hearts and go for it! I did and I 'm engaged to my best friend. Good luck to you both!

    Posted by FaerieDahl July 29, 09 03:25 PM
  1. A few grey hairs - - Yeah, yeah, we've heard your anti-cohabitation schtick before. Links, please?

    C -- You and your friend enjoy the wonderful life ahead of you. Don't listen to the naysayers. And if he can't get a job - there's always grad school to bide the time (oh yeah, and to acquire new skills, right, I forgot that some amongst the Boston dot com boards don't believe in education for education's sake - not referring to you or your BF, C).

    As for val's haiku, far less offensive than that crazy evangelist (77). 97 & 93 - Lighten up. val may not even have read the papers by the time of his posting.

    Posted by reindeergirl July 29, 09 03:30 PM
  1. You're all wrong. She should call him right now and say that she's changed her mind. She's going to quit her job and go to Chicago to move in with him. See what he says and then, and only then, will you know his motives.

    Posted by White male July 29, 09 03:32 PM
  1. Make sure to keep a Attorney on retainer for the much Anticipated Restraining Order you will be seeking against him 1 to 2 years down the line.......

    Posted by fzappa July 29, 09 03:40 PM
  1. Posted by William Dunigan #77: Preachers and proselytizers go to another column, this isn't your space.
    The thing that concerns me the most about your situation is the job market. Not knowing your beloved's marketable skills and how that fits into the current Boston area economy, how long it will take for him to become gainfully employed, and what type of slush funds he has to bridge the gap are all unknown to us.

    What if he began his job search from his current location then came to stay with you for three weeks for interviews and job searching? This would give you both an indication of what to expect. Of course, if he has a trust fund, then scratch that idea and go with the flow. I would begin the dialogue of household and financial arrangements, chores, cooking, and get some day-to-day responsibilities ironed out. There are plenty of Pink Slip Parties, networking opportunities available now, so he needs to be available to take advantage of those events. I agree with other posters, financial-job-job market issues are VERY important and can not be underestimated.

    Posted by exvermonter July 29, 09 03:43 PM
  1. Oh - and don't forget to check under the bed sometimes.....you don't want to find out too late if he is a psychopath.

    Posted by Been around July 29, 09 03:49 PM
  1. Let me revise my list, as I see there is some confusion here and I could've written my post more clearly. Yes, I am laid back and forgiving - and that is the number one predictor of harmony in living together, above all else. I should've put that first.

    The rest, is really about living-together compatibility. The little things. They do count. You should be compatible in some key areas, as demonstrated by the reaction to my post.

    I will not judge what is right for you and your partner, that was wrong of me. I'm just saying it helps a LOT to be on the same page on the following - which I have seen are frequent areas of contention:

    1) Are you are bathroom-door open people, or bathroom-door closed people?

    me and my hubby: closed - a measure of privacy is a good thing

    2) Are you "farting is funny" people, or do you think potty jokes are completely lame, tiresome, and tasteless?

    me and my hubby: lame and tiresome

    3) Do the rugs, after you vacuum, have to have lines going all in one direction, or you are just happy someone vacuumed?

    me and my hubby: just happy someone vacuumed

    4) Socks - folded or rolled?

    me and my hubby: either works

    5) Toilet seat - up or down?

    me and my hubby: down - and in return for his thoughtfulness, I keep it sparkling and he's never had to clean it

    6) Toilet paper - under or over?

    me and my hubby: seriously, people care about this stuff? (apparently this is a raging debate - google around, you'll see).

    These are the things that people end up arguing over - the things that ultimately drive them NUTS. That, and disagreement about frequency of sex.

    The rest of my list gets filed under:

    7) Do you believe love means you can dispense with the manners and treat each other with less respect, courtesy and consideration than you would an acquaintance? Or do you believe love means you treat each other with MORE respect, courtesy and consideration than you do everyone else?

    me and my hubby: the latter, hands down!

    Refraining from placing cold feet on sleeping partner is simple example of good manners.... as is acknowledging you snore and agreeing to do what you can to see if the doctor can help you out with that so your partner can get decent rest. Still saying "thank you" because she made dinner for the 3,678th time, or he took out the trash for the 3,678th time, shows you don't take such little things - or each other - for granted.

    I hope that clarifies.

    Back to your regularly scheduled program.... though this is really not all the OT and the LW can use this list as a springboard for discussion with her BF before he moves in. Don't "assume" with rosy-colored glasses that he sees eye to eye on you on all these points. ASK.

    Posted by anecdotal evidence July 29, 09 03:56 PM
  1. I too had a man move here for me. My husband moved from Ireland to Boston for me 10 years ago. By this time we were engaged and had been dating long distance for a little over a year. We too had only spent vacations together.

    He had no job, no contacts, no friends (except mine and his brother who lived in Quincy) and literally nothing but the shirt on his back. He moved into my apartment which I completely furnished.

    To make the transition easy for him, I bought a new bureau for him, emptied out half the closet and got ESPN and BBC. I also helped him with his CV (resume) and established job connections for him. We also communicated A LOT. It was the first time we had both ever lived with someone. After the "honeymoon" period was over, there were adjustments to make on both on both of our parts. In order to feel useful prior to getting a job, he took over the care of the apartment, laundry, dinner etc. Luckily the economy was wonderful 10 years ago, so he had a job within 3 weeks, but there was still a lot to learn about each other and about living together.

    Take it slow, keep on talking and enjoy being together in "real life" instead of just vacation mode! And Congrats on finding someone.

    Posted by EBNorwood July 29, 09 03:58 PM
  1. I did the same thing, moving to Beantown from NC to be with my girl.
    I have been here for 11 years and we have been married for 9 years now.
    As long as he can find a job in a decent amount of time and comes here with some savings it can all work out.
    Give him the chance to make friends of his own. Don't take up every weekend doing couples things with just your friends. That sucks.
    I wish facebook had been around when I moved here. It would have helped me connect with people that I had lost touch with who had moved to the area.

    Posted by from nc July 29, 09 04:02 PM
  1. Have you pooped and had him go into the bathroom after you yet? BIG STEP in a relationship.

    Posted by summa! baby bumma! July 29, 09 04:19 PM
  1. While you are happy, you have noted some valid concerns. If you haven't already, have a mature adult conversation about the concerns you noted such as finding a job, not knowing anyone, etc. and ask him what his plan is around dealing with those. If he has no plans or hasn't even thought about it, that may be a sign of impending problems, and it will be important to set clear boundaries around expectations (i.e., you pay your half, I pay mine, you don't come to me for the other half, you ask your parents or others if you need $$).

    Loving each other and being excited about the possibilities is a big chunk of the battle, so you are already ahead. Just have those conversations before he gets on any transportation to come here as you will quickly see if there are any disconnects. Good luck.

    Posted by yupokay July 29, 09 04:34 PM
  1. I would help him cultivate more friendships than having just your relationship. Get him in contact with a recruiter. A job is a sure fire way for someone to start building a network. Also, have him look into college/university alumni networks. Suggest clubs for him to join – dodgeball, basketball, - and hobbies to continue to cultivate – sailing, classes, volunteering etc. In essence, he needs to totally recreate his social life in a new city, knowing only one person. For both of your sanities, help him find friends.

    Posted by LuLuLemon July 29, 09 04:39 PM
  1. A Few Gray Hairs (106) Yeah we get it, you're against cohabitation. what you are not telling these people is that the reason cohabitating couples have a higher rate of divorce is because they are more likely to get married for the wrong reasons (inertia). It is not because they live together, it's because they get lazy and don't think things through. This does not mean that living together automatically means any one couple is at a higher risk of getting divorce later if they are thoughtful and loving about their reasons for living together/getting married. GEEZ.

    Posted by move on July 29, 09 04:43 PM
  1. Hey nc (#124) after 11 years you should know that no one - and by that I mean no one with half a brain - refers to Boston as Beantown.

    Posted by What does NC stand for, anyway? July 29, 09 05:01 PM
  1. Is he quitting his job? Does he have any friends back in CA? Family? He's leaving all of that for you? And he volunteered to move out here, before you even asked him? Which means, of course, that he never asked you to move to the west coast to be with him? That doesn't sound good. No discussion about where you, as a couple, would be happiest? Yikes! He obviously did not feel confident enough about himself or his career or life in CA to even bring up the possibility of you moving across the country to be with him. This isn't a man, he's a dependent boy -- which, unfortunately -- most men are these days. If you think you can help him grow up, give it a shot.

    Posted by Ronin555 July 29, 09 05:51 PM
  1. nc is north carolina. picky picky picky. i have heard beantown used and ive lived here my whole life... chill out!

    Posted by calm yourself July 29, 09 06:07 PM
  1. This is a really exciting, romantic event - and also a scary one.

    The job scenario is a troubling one. For both of your sakes, advise him not to pack anything unless he has prospects lined up. Otherwise, he may spend months on your couch bringing the both of you down. He will need something to remind him of his own worth, i.e. a job, given the absence of his own friends and a familiar environment.

    After that, make room for him. Make sure he feels like your place is his home too, with space in the medicine cabinet, drawers & closet space for his clothes, etc.. Introduce him to your male friends and, if they all get along, encourage them to bond during nights out without you, maybe at a game. If he's into music, encourage him to pursue meeting up with other musicians for an evening. In other words, encourage him to gain a foothold in this city and carve out an existence separate from that which you enjoy in your love nest.

    Best of luck!

    Posted by snuckles July 29, 09 06:23 PM
  1. I was the girlfriend who moved a thousand miles away from my family and friends to be in Boston with my bf. It did not end well. I was too dependent on him for everything- I felt strangely awkward and reliant on him. I felt wierd going out and trying to find my own piece of Boston to maintain my own aspect of individuality and independence. I relied too much on him to find friends, to go out, etc etc. What didn't help was that he was too controlling and acted like because this was "his" town that he had to show me around and show me everything- not really letting me explore things on my own. So we both made mistakes that made the relationship end in resentment and disaster, so I would advise you to talk to him about your expectations and desires. You might want to encourage him to meet people outside of people you know (his "own" friends) because it can be really wierd and intimidating to be the newbie in town with a significant other who knew someone everywhere we went, had friends of their own to go out with, and was at "home" all the time. So be his support and his comfort, but give him space and encourage him to explore things on his own and try to find pieces of himself in this city. Boston is a very intimidating city- people who are from here don't understand the nuances of this city and the adjustments needed to find happiness and comfort. Good luck.

    Posted by Skyler July 29, 09 06:31 PM
  1. Hmm. Sally (#23) gives some good advice, although perhaps inadvertently. Here are some things to think about, in conjunction with her post:

    1. Don't throw out anything of his b/c that's just wrong. Ask first, b/c it's his, not yours. (Same goes for him).

    2. Not interrogating him is a good idea. If he comes home drunk at 6 AM smelling of exotic plants and with glitter on him, that’s one thing, if he’s getting up from the couch the answer is going to be “Going to the kitchen” or “taking a dump” 90% of the time. The other 10% is going to be a grunt, which means “Leave me the eff alone already. What, do you want to put an effin Lojack in me?”

    3. If a guy is cleaning, why are you making fun of him, instead of thinking "My man loves me enough to at least *try* to clean"? Believe me, we don't want to clean at all, and we only do it to try and make you happy. If he's Dust-Vac-ing the crumbs, *who cares*; he's trying to help. What you are saying to him is “Don’t ever try and do something to help out around the house ever again.” What the guy should have said was either “You can *TELL* me how to do something, or you can *ASK* me to do it, but you can’t do both” or “Hey, I’ll just leave the EFFING CRUMBS ON THE DAMN STOVE!”

    4. Don’t make fun of his boxer shorts…okay, I doubt most men would care if you did, *but* this does appear after “Don’t interrogate him” and “Don’t make fun of him for cleaning.” Why do I get the feeling that your b/f though you were the main act in “Nag-a-Palooza”, Sally? I mean, so far, you’ve thrown out some of his stuff, interrogated him while he’s still in the living room, busted on him for *cleaning*. He’s probably thinking “Now my boxers are wrong? WTF is up with this chick that she’s so negative all the time?”

    5. Showering with him is only okay, it’s encouraged, *BUT*, if your man likes to do “private” things in the shower, perhaps you might--*ahem!*--take matters into your own hands, and, um, fix him a grilled cheese right there in the shower? Do that often enough and I’m sure you could have razzed him about his boxers all you wanted.

    Mistral

    Posted by Mistral July 29, 09 07:05 PM
  1. Hi there,
    The guy is in LOVE with you? Have him move here to be near you, but make sure he will have his own place. Things may not be the same as it was, when he is actually living here.
    To co-habitat sounds so wonderful - from afar. But lots and I mean LOTS of times it does not work. Why have that burden on you.
    If your BF really loves you, he will not mind to live apart for a while.
    One question though. You said he lives 1000s of miles away? Is he right now living in another county? Well, If he is - you will have yet another bigger problem on hands.

    Posted by Pingo July 29, 09 07:08 PM
  1. "A Few Gray Hairs (106) Yeah we get it"-----

    Your simplistic summary of the stresses and suffocation of cohabitating before marriage, before even dating, leaves me no choice but to doubt your level of understanding.

    The reasons for not cohabitating are bountiful. And if cohabiting couples 'simply' recognized inertia, or 'simply' were able to overcome the false sense of security, the absense of romance, the addition of stress, lack of space, or the lack of excitement upon actually transitioning into marriage, or parenthood, then the statistics would be even, wouldn't they? But alas, they are not.

    If you are so unsure of your maturity, or this person being the correct person to marry unless you give it a dry run (as if there was such a thing. One or two years cohabitation is ridiculously insignificant in scope of a lifetime and its challenges) then you probably have your answer as to what your state of commitment should be in this relationship.

    Posted by A few grey hairs July 29, 09 08:05 PM
  1. 1. Discuss expectations BEFORE he moves. Sounds like he dropped this decision of his on you and you acquiesced.
    2. As you may already know, the bliss of living together will end in a couple of months. It is just life.
    3.Encouragement from both parties. You need to encourage him to develop connections, hobbies etc...outside of you so he has his own outlets and he needs to encourage you to spend time with your girlfriends..
    4. IF you not getting engaged relatively soon or if this is a plan to see if you guys could have a serious relationship, let him stay for the month or so, get a job and get his own place. Again, Discuss before he comes out.

    Overall, By getting him getting his own living space, when you do have a fight, you can retreat and then come back to resolve. When you are living together and still learning about it each other it is STIFLING. By experiencing the pitfalls of your relationship prior to living/engagment/married you will have a better understanding of each other & hopefully a long lasting future. Good Luck!

    Posted by living_together_ is_ overrated July 29, 09 08:31 PM
  1. I laugh at half these post. So what if the guy doesn't have a job right off the bat? I doubt he would be moving here if he didn't have a nest egg to hold him over. And the job market is not that bad here in Boston. He may have to work somewhere for the time being that he never probably imagined himself working at. But that's sometimes the case in a more healthier job market.

    #129: I am not sure where you get this idea that no one calls Boston Beantown or refers to it that way. Is this some trendy, Newbury Street thing? I know where I'm from, many people refer to it as "Da Bean"


    Last, I do think the only things you need to worry about are space and territory issues. I moved in with my gf out of college back in '06 (have since moved back to Boston). Its hard to start sharing your space and changing your routines because it annoys or bothers someone else

    Posted by Tonezone July 29, 09 09:49 PM
  1. hey grey hairs, your statistics hold many fallacies, you've been proven wrong before. give it up already, so how long have u lived alone now?

    Posted by whatever July 29, 09 09:52 PM
  1. Hey there Meredith! Thx for posting a Weds letter which I believe would be extra for the week .A pleasant surprise-hope you do it every Weds. Its a good follow up to yesterdays letter.
    A.. I am happy for you. Sometimes you don't know how things go 'till you do it. Lots of info here today which will give you different takes on living with the BF which is good. You know your Bf so you know how the info would apply to you. I believe it all comes down to good communication between you two. Its all about give & take and realistic expectations like Meredith mentioned. It'll be exciting and it'll take work. Communication is the key. Do what you can to make Boston his home. In that regard, there will be times where you'll want to put yourself in his shoes being in a new town & such. I like Rico's suggestion about going to different places if fianance allows. Rockport is great in the fall and its a short jaunt by train. Halibut point,thatcher island, are fun & cheap places to visit. If your bf is from the midwest,not being near the ocean, he may really enjoy that. Send us all a follow up in 3 months or so(or sooner) & let us know how you make out. I'm sure things will be fine. -JP

    Posted by JP July 29, 09 10:52 PM
  1. I agree that culture shock may be a big issue for him. People can come off as unfriendly in general (cashiers, shopkeepers, and fellow transportation-riders ignoring you or grunting at you instead of smiling and saying hello) or downright mean. Drivers can be rude at best and dangerous at worst. There are no street signs to maximize the usefulness of your GPS. In my experience, the farther away you've moved to live here, the more you notice and are distressed by these things. On the other hand, if he has a sense of humor, he'll have loads of fun imitating Bostonians talking about their hearts and farts.

    The best thing my husband and I did when we moved in together as BF/GF was make a financial plan and stipulate the division of labor. We kept our finances separate and opened a joint account into which we ante'd each month for shared expenses, which we divided 50/50. Depending on your relative financial situations, you might trade chores for money in the budget, as others have suggested. I would recommend both of you doing whatever you need to do to be financially independent of each other. Feeling stuck in a relationship because you can't afford to move out really stinks. Fortunately my husband and I have always been on the same page about this.

    I recommend getting your BF a welcome gift of a bunch of T and bus maps, a loaded-up T Charlie Card, and a couple guide books about cheap and free things to do in Boston. It can be great fun exploring all the wallet-friendly places you can reach by public transportation, and it breaks up periods of loneliness in those early pre-friend days. There aren't that many cities where you can ride the subway to the beach! Plus, in his exploring, he may find places to take you that YOU didn't know about.

    Laugh a lot together, come up with a routine together to recognize and diffuse arguments when they happen, and most of all, congratulations and good luck!

    Posted by Anonymous July 30, 09 12:35 AM
  1. Mere is right--manage your expectations.
    You might get him a copy of a Boston guidebook. Obviously he's not here as a tourist, but it will likely help him get to know his new city.
    I work in a field where couples tend to live apart for 6 months or more. I know many people who either married without having lived in the same city and/or lived apart for some time and then moved back in together (all still together). Even among married couples who spend time living apart and then move back in together, there is an adjustment. One of the biggest things to get used to is that there's someone at home who actually cares where you are. In the LDR, people usually steal phone conversations from wherever they happen to be. But once you move (back) in together, your together time is usually actually together.
    Another issue is the situation described by many--when one person moves to a new place, they have no social network, and are very reliant on the partner for this. It doesn't make that person a leach, it's difficult for them, too. Whatever your bf can do to meet some people will be a big help. It's hard, especially as we get older, but it will help.
    Follow the other advice on here--make sure he has his own space and that you are truly making the living space yours and his. Go with whatever works--if the way he squeezes the toothpaste tube drives you crazy, just get separate tubes.
    As in most things, flexibility and a sense of humor will get you through.

    My husband and I had been friends for a year, then started dating and a few weeks later, he moved away and we were apart for 2 years. We then lived together for several years (during which we got married), and then also had a time apart after getting married. Living apart was much harder than the adjustment of moving (back) in together--but honestly, there was an adjustment. Good luck. It can work.

    Posted by cm July 30, 09 01:01 AM
  1. Hi All! I am the LW, and I wanted to thank all of you for your comments, they have been very thought-provoking and some inspiring. Some info that I should have included in my first letter: 1) I have already cleaned out half of my closet space; 2) coincidentally right after he decided to move here, his best friend found out that he was accepted to grad school here so is also moving here soon; 3) we have talked about money already and he is fiscally responsible, supported himself since 18, worked his way through college, lives within his means, intends to contribute as soon as he has a job, etc.; and 4) he is a chef -- while I don't know anything about the restaurant industry, I have noticed from reading a lot of craigslist ads lately that many require the applicant to either apply in person and/or be available to start immediately. He cannot do that yet, obviously, so he has been doing research into what opportunities are available here, but has not applied for anything yet. He has said that he does not care what kind of job he gets to start out, he just wants to get something quick to pay the bills and then hopefully he can be more disrciminating later to find a job that he really loves.

    And yes, I do love him to pieces, and I do hope that we end up getting engaged, although we have not talked about that yet.

    Posted by C. July 30, 09 08:55 AM
  1. #136: Your simplistic rebuttal, puritanical point of view, repetition of the same lines over and over from post to post, and lack of actual relevant information leaves me no choice but to doubt your level of understanding about why couples choose to cohabitate and why this can be a perfectly relevant choice. You don't want to cohabitate? Then don't. But this LW isn't asking for your moral views on whether shacking up is wrong or whatever your issue is.

    Posted by move on July 30, 09 10:16 AM
  1. C,
    Thanks for the update. Seeing that he is a chef, he may have a better chance than most at finding work quickly. Enjoy the next chapter of your life and give us an update on things when you two have settled in. Ain't love grand!

    Posted by Wicked Witch of the East July 30, 09 10:51 AM
  1. I love how people have pinned the success of this zero to 60 (i.e. long distance relationship between people who met at a wedding, suddenly having him drop everything to move into her apartment relationship change, on her ability to play cruise director for him and him being able to keep busy. "Yeah, it'll be great, just get him a GPS, some touristy books on Boston, a Charlie card, and a copy of the book 'How to win friends and influence people' and everything will be fine..."

    Such an overly simplistic view of the situation that it's absolutely comical. You rubes make it sound like she's going to be hosting an exchange student.

    Posted by Realist July 30, 09 10:58 AM
  1. red elephant,
    house-warming on the way ?
    don't expect to hear I will be there to help move even if it's 4:00 a.m. ...)

    Posted by Fatima July 30, 09 11:13 AM
  1. I think its wonderful that he wants to move here to be with you but you guys are going about it the wrong way! First, he needs to get a place of his own so that he can establish himself as an individual in his new surroundings. Second, he needs to make job contacts and attempt to get interviews before he gets out here. I wish you both luck but take it from someone who experienced this same exact situation, you guys are going about it the wrong way!

    Good Luck!

    Posted by LB July 30, 09 11:56 AM
  1. Why have him move in with you? It sounds like maybe he's using you for a place to live, and like I said Maybe, but red flags should be waving in-front of you by now. Think twice about this will you, and stop being so gun ho about boyfriends, and just take it easy and relax. Sometimes if you try to hard things don't happen the way you want them to be, so relax and you will be surprise when off the cuff you meet your real soul mate.

    Posted by Ellen July 30, 09 12:04 PM
  1. C, I think it's great your BF is a Chef. There are many opportunities available for Chefs here. Check out Bostonchefs.com for postings. Also, I think its wrong for people to say "make the guy get his own place when he gets here." That's not realistic! The guy is quitting his job (likely), leaving his home town, friends & family to come here for C because he loves her. C has has to reciprocate (let him stay with her). Yes it is risky but all relationships require risk! You can get hurt just as easily if he has his own place and then find out you both aren't really compatiable. When he moves in you will discover whether or not that's the case. If it doesn't work out then he can move out and you can move on. If it does work out then life can be grand!

    Posted by stace July 30, 09 12:38 PM
  1. C, You come across sounding pretty naïve and a little desperate in your update (post 143). If your friend’s best friend is also moving to Boston (that’s some coincidence, but I won’t go there) why don’t the two of them room together for a year? That way, your friend would be forced to, you know, come up with first month, last month, security deposit, and pay all of his other bills. If he can’t swing that with his grad school buddy, he should not move in with you.

    Posted by July 30, 2009 12:41 July 30, 09 12:42 PM
  1. Honestly, I'd tell the guy to run. Look at your history. Try being in a real relationship before setting up house! That's all you're doing is playing house.

    Why did you agree to it and haven't you discussed these issues on the phone calls?

    Apparently you haven't learned from the other 2 experiences.

    Posted by Surferbettygal July 30, 09 12:47 PM
  1. I moved in with my boyfriend 6 months ago, and let me tell you, the first few months were hard. Especially 2 people living in a cramped 1 bedroom. But I will say this, just give eachother the space and time to be alone, you'll appreciate it in the long run. Make some space in your home and life for him because it's what will keep him around. And it's great if you show him what you like to do and where you like to go, but I'd say give him a few choices and let him decide, because you might like Stop and Shop but maybe he's a more farmer's market type person. You won't know until you've lived together.

    As for a job, I'd tell him to ask the people he works with if they know anyone up here looking for people, or tell him to start calling recruiters, because it'll only be that much harder if he shows up here without a job. Not to mention it'll probably drive you crazy as well as him if he's just sitting there doing nothing all day.

    I think the GPS idea is a great idea, although I know some can be confusing so maybe suggest it to him to get, or go together to get one when he gets here (it might be a good housewarming present for him).

    Just take your time, try to stay calm when things get messy, and really learn to pick your battles. Good luck!

    Posted by Laura July 30, 09 01:31 PM
  1. LW's optimism is charming and hopeful. But if she truly wants this relationship to develop into an engagement she needs to start thinking about minimizing risks, maximizing the opportunities for beneficial growth, and take a stand for herself.

    Is LW hesitant to tell BF to get a job and a place of his own (and geez, so easy for him to room with his best friend who is coming here for grad school) because she's afraid if she asks that of him he simply wont come at all?

    Posted by Sigh July 30, 09 01:42 PM
  1. LW's optimism is charming and hopeful. But if she truly wants this relationship to develop into an engagement she needs to start thinking about minimizing risks, maximizing the opportunities for beneficial growth, and take a stand for herself.

    Is LW hesitant to tell BF to get a job and a place of his own (and geez, so easy for him to room with his best friend who is coming here for grad school) because she's afraid if she asks that of him he simply wont come at all?

    Posted by Sigh July 30, 09 01:47 PM
  1. Job first, then move in. You could have 2K sq ft cndo and it will seem like a closet if he doesn't land a job pronto. You can't help him get a job - you can only help him by exposing him to social / biz networks and then the ball is in his court.

    Posted by MaryRo July 30, 09 02:13 PM
  1. I have been in your exact situation. Twice. I met my now-husband in Europe when I was in college, and after I graduated, I moved to London to live with him. It was extremely difficult. I had a hard time making friends, was forced to temp for a while, which I hated, and finally found a job that I didn't really like but paid the bills. We went through a huge adjustment phase, fought a lot, and almost broke up a few times. But we pulled through.

    Then we moved back here to Boston a couple of years ago, and my husband went through all the exact same stuff that I had gone through. He didn't find a job for over a year, was miserable, and it was extremely stressful for both of us. But again, we pulled through, and things worked out. And now we're happily married.

    So my advice to you is this: expect for it to be hard, but know that it can work out. Don't put too much pressure on each other, and remember that he's very possibly going to need a lot of support from you. Be patient with him. You are going to be the only person he has to talk to and hang out with for a while, and that is not easy. Hopefully you both have some money saved in case it takes a long time to find a job? He'll get himself settled eventually, and your life can move on. If you love him, it will all be worth it in the end. Good luck!

    Posted by Nic July 30, 09 03:29 PM
  1. "intends to contribute as soon as he has a job" and is in a transient "chef" role.
    Sorry to be harsh, but I'll be seeing you on Judge Judy.

    A real "chef" develops a reputation in a geographical area and finds her or his place and develops a following, and would never need to search on Craigslist for a job. He sounds like a short-order cook, so maybe your going on the show to sue him for past rent will be delayed for a bit.

    Posted by yupokay July 30, 09 10:46 PM
  1. yikes! some harsh ones out there... well from my experience i would just warn that it is very different going from long distance right to living together. i think its about seeing each other for 4 fun, relaxing (someone is always on vacation when its long distance) days to seeing each other every single day... getting ready for work, being stressed about real life, paying bills and arguing over doing laundry or grocery shopping. I think the romance can be sucked out a bit but it can clearly still work.

    you have a ready built life here but he won't. Encourage him to get his own friends and support system here. Ask your guy friends to do you a favor and take him to a sox game. without you. definitely work on the whole job thing. pronto. otherwise it will be a year later, he'll have no friends but you and his life will not be as fulfilling as it could be.

    Posted by ac August 6, 09 11:31 AM
 
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Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.

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