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I want my friend back

Posted by Meredith Goldstein  July 22, 2009 10:32 AM

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Usually, I don’t post letters on Wednesdays because of our 1 p.m. chat. But I’ve received so many good questions this past week that I’m afraid we’re going to fall behind. Can we multi-task? Can we answer this one and still chat at 1 p.m.? Good.

A: Dear Meredith,

I first brought this issue to you in a chat back in early June. The situation has evolved since then (your intuition was right-on). I read this blog every day, and hope you and my fellow readers can help me deal with: The Aftermath.

Four months ago, I slept with my best friend, "Maria." We were drunk -- it was an out-of-character impulsive move for both of us ... basically, it was dumb. Nonetheless, it rapidly emerged that Maria wanted a relationship, and I thought that she might be onto something.

Unfortunately, within a matter of weeks, she morphed from my super-cool-best-friend into a hyper-critical lunatic (demanding I do chores for her then lashing out because I put her shams on the wrong pillows -- insane stuff). We had a conversation during which I genuinely thought we broke up. Maria immediately left for a 3-month work assignment out of state. I started dating someone else, an acquaintance of hers. Maria and I stayed in touch and I stupidly thought we were back on the friend track ... until I casually mentioned my new paramour. Maria flipped out on the phone; crying, shouting, the whole deal. Apparently, she thought we were still together (a byproduct of her new found lunacy). Also, she deeply regretted her miserable treatment of me, and had realized that she is very much in love with me. For several weeks, we remained in frequent, friendly contact, but now she never initiates contact, and is barely responsive to my contact. I have pretty much stopped contacting her.

I am in my late 20s, and at this point, I have zero interest in dating a nut bag. Furthermore, my new paramour is an amazing woman. Suffice it to say, Maria and I are not getting back together, no matter what.

My problem is that, when she returns from her work assignment in a couple of weeks, I would like to go back to being best friends. I know "you can never go home again." But I can't help it. I miss super-cool-best-friend-Maria. A lot. Life without super-cool-best-friend-Maria is severely lacking. A part of me is eager to do everything in my power to move our friendship past this hump. At that same time, I recognize that she blew it by acting like a huge jerk, and am therefore reluctant to grovel or apologize. Further complicating matters is that fact that, since her hysteria attack over the phone, I haven't mentioned the new paramour at all ... and there's a lot to catch up on.

Despite my age, I have never before had sex outside committed, multi-year relationships, and I have no idea how to proceed. Is this friendship salvageable? Or was sleeping with Maria truly the beginning of the end? (I thought the world was supposed to end with a whimper, not a bang!) How do I make her realize that I forgive her behavior, that she doesn't have to feel humiliated by her actions, and that we can move beyond this?

-- Tequila No More, Boston


A: TNM, I have a feeling that for Maria, that first hookup wasn’t a thoughtless accident.
She probably had feelings for you for a while. This whole experience may take her a while to get over. In fact, it should. It’s a lot to deal with at once.

And now there are two things for her to get over – the fact that it didn’t work out with you, and the fact that you’re dating her friend. I mean, that’s the part that’s hard to swallow. You’re not just rejecting her and her crazy pillow-sham behavior, you’re moving on with someone else.

At the moment, Maria is not your best friend. She’s your friend/ex, who’s probably a bit ashamed of herself and angry at you for getting her hopes up. And the fact that she thought you were still together when you were dating someone else ... ouch. (I fault you for that, by the way. If she didn’t know she was dumped, you did a bad job.)

Lower your expectations and understand that this will take her a long time to accept. You acknowledge she’s a “nut bag” who’s prone to overreact, but you’re surprised she can’t make a quick recovery. Maria is Maria. Now you’ve seen all of her – and she’s seen all of you. You talk about forgiving her. She needs time to forgive you, too.

It’s your turn to be a good friend. Tell her you very much want your friendship back, but that you don’t want to push her. Tell her you hope that one day you can be pals again. Tell her you want to give her space -- whatever she needs. Then wait to see if she comes around. She may be lacking sanity, but you're lacking sensitivity, methinks.

Readers? Thoughts? Is she expecting too much of Maria? Is Maria pillow-sham crazy? Share thoughts here. Remember to chat at 1 p.m.

-- Meredith

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193 comments so far...
  1. Sounds like he didn't make it clear to Maria that it was a one night stand. Shame on him. Forget about being friends - going out with her friend killed any chances of that happening (if Maria comes to her senses, that is!). Maria needs to stay away from this "friend". With friends like him, who needs enemies?

    Posted by daizy July 22, 09 11:07 AM
  1. Mer, yay to posting a letter on a chat day, seeing as I do not partake in the chatting.

    Anyway, Mer is on point today. The exact advice I was thinking myself. Bravo. Do what she says.

    This falls under the great "Can exes be friends?" headline. In your case, with the real friendship BEFORE the relationship, odds are in your favor. If Maria stops being a lunatic.

    Posted by summa! baby bumma! July 22, 09 11:09 AM
  1. She isn't your super-cool-best-friend-Maria anymore. If you really like the new girl you shouldn't waste your energy and affections trying to coax Maria back into the best friend spot. Maria will just see the attention as your wanting to get back together. Current girlfriend will see it as you being hung up on your ex. Lose-lose.

    Posted by more tequila July 22, 09 11:11 AM
  1. Ouch! This girl has been hurt and she is licking her wounds. Merideth was spot on in her advice. An maybe you should stop acting so self-ritious with your assumptions and name-calling; doesnt sound like your being that great of a friend to her so why would she want to be your "cool" girl again.

    Posted by RC July 22, 09 11:11 AM
  1. Meredith, you wrote: "And the fact that she thought you were still together when you were dating someone else ... ouch. (I fault you for that, by the way. If she didn’t know she was dumped, you did a bad job.)"

    That is so sexist!!!

    TNM wrote: "My problem is that, when she returns from her work assignment in a couple of weeks, I would like to go back to being best friends."

    And you call Maria a nut-bag??? Don't you realize that women, for the most part, get attached when they have sex? You've given us ample proof of Maria's behavior and you still want to go back to being friends? Listen up - this is not your choice, and the sanest thing for you to do would be to tell Maria - again - do it in writing if you have to - that there's no relationship, and you'd like to be friends. But this is her choice, and be ready to cut your losses and move on if she decides to not be friends. Keep in mind that there may be further lunacy sessions if both of you still decide to be friends. The best and most pragmatic option would be to cut her off/limit your interactions with her, but reading your letter, you clearly suffer from the "good guy syndrome" who wants to remain friends with an ex - so go ahead and try floating the friendship again, and let us know how far it goes.

    Posted by The Dude July 22, 09 11:12 AM
  1. I think she was only super cool because she was trying to win you. Once she thought she succeeded, she showed her real personality. You'll never find the super cool girl again unless she is trying to get you back. Beware of that.

    Posted by done July 22, 09 11:13 AM
  1. I agree with most of Meredith's advice. The reality is that "super-cool-best-friend-Maria" is gone now. Period. "Maria" needs her own space and time to decide if, and how, she wants to be friends with TNM.

    My bigger concern though for TNM is that I think he needs to spend some time looking honestly in the mirror about what happened leading up to sleeping with her, and his behavior since. I see lots of comments from TNM about Maria turning into a nut bag - but the reality usually is that both parties play a role in the growing - or destroying - of any relationship. Besides doing the things suggest by Meredith, I think TNM needs to some very honest self-assessment of things he may have done, and what he could have done differently.

    Posted by Jeff July 22, 09 11:13 AM
  1. Holy Crap! Are you serious? Do you really want to have a best friend whom FLIPPED OUT about something as insignificant as PILLOW SHAMS? Let's pause while you contemplate your response. Hint: Go with the one that first comes to mind.

    The correct answer is NO. The friendship was terminated by sleeping with her and in her eyes, you and her became MORE...Yes, that is a regrettable decision on your part, but once the bumping and grinding is said and done, all friendship attributes are GONE. Long gone. The only thing that is left is to file a restraining order on her because she's going to FLIP OUT AGAIN once she sees you've been bagging her friend. Do you really think she's going to want a friend that has been sleeping with her friend(s)? If so, they'll have a lot to talk about. "Oh yeah, the TNM guy is great in bed. He could go for days..." Seriously? I really doubt that any "friendship" could be salvaged here. Best bet: Go on and be the perv you are. Sleep with people outside of her clique. It's better that way.

    Good night, and good luck

    Posted by Edward R Murrow July 22, 09 11:16 AM
  1. Does this guy even know what a paramour is? It's an illicit lover. Is he calling his new girlfriend illicit? How about before he tries showing off by using big, French-sounding words, he looks them up so he knows what he's saying?

    Second, you can't unring the bell, my friend. You banged your "best friend" and things will never, I repeat NEVER, be the same as they were before. Take this experience as a lesson and don't sleep with people you can't live without and don't use words to which you don't know the meaning.

    Posted by slaphappy July 22, 09 11:16 AM
  1. Does this guy even know what a paramour is? It's an illicit lover. Is he calling his new girlfriend illicit? How about before he tries showing off by using big, French-sounding words, he looks them up so he knows what he's saying?

    Second, you can't unring the bell, my friend. You banged your "best friend" and things will never, I repeat NEVER, be the same as they were before. Take this experience as a lesson and don't sleep with people you can't live without and don't use words to which you don't know the meaning.

    Posted by slaphappy July 22, 09 11:17 AM
  1. Yay!! A Love Letter on Wednesday!! My work blocks the chat, so I can't read it, which makes Wednesdays rather dull.

    I think Meredith's advice is dead on. You're the one who did the breaking-up - it's much easier for you to move on sooner. And you had a headstart since Maria didn't think you had broken up. She needs time to get over you, and it could be quite a while. But, there's also a good chance your friendship won't ever be the same again.

    Posted by OK Cupid Fan July 22, 09 11:19 AM
  1. TNM,

    Unfortunately, I’ve been selected as the one to tell you this: We’ve gotten together and objectively recounted the votes and it turns out that you’re the nut case. You repeatedly bashed / insulted Maria in the letter, basically ducked all responsibility, told us how you started dating her friend, and then asked how you can get Maria back as your best friend? Plus you can’t wait to bring her up to speed on how your new relationship is going? Nice logic. Next time, break the prozacs in half.

    That being said, here’s my advice: You need to accept the blame for torching the bridge behind you. You need to get over yourself, learn some humility, and then you need to move on.

    p.s.: a nut bag is something entirely different than you think and stop using the word paramour, it makes you sound like an arrogant donkey. Well, then again, maybe you should continue to use it for the sake of truth in advertising.

    That’s all the time we’ve got for today.

    - Hoss

    Posted by Hoss July 22, 09 11:20 AM
  1. Ah, the classic case of wanting to eat your cake and have it as your best friend, too.

    I somehow think you played more of a role in her "nut bag" tendencies than this letter reveals. I suspect you were using her as a substitute girlfriend during a dry spell and things got out of hand. Also, was she really just complaining about pillow shams or were you maybe being a bit of a non-commital jerk? From the way you handled things, I think so.

    I'd just let this one drop. Yes you will miss her, and yes, you probably played a bigger role in this situation that you might want to admit, but it's over now. Best for you to have your great new girlfriend and let her move on.

    Oh, and don't sleep with your friends unless you're truly willing to go the distance.

    Posted by P&P July 22, 09 11:20 AM
  1. Meredith is dead on. Dead on. The same thing happened to me - I was the Maria sans the psychosis. The hardest part to swallow was the fact that my best guy friend moved on to another woman even though I was in love with him. Sorry to say, but I am no longer friends with my best guy friend, and I have no intentions of ever contacting him again. He tried to reach out to remain friends, but I was hurt too deeply to switch my emotions off like a light-switch and move back into friend-mode. If we were to hang out as friends, it would be me – still holding out hope for the relationship and loving him, while he would be in friend-mode – loving another woman. Maybe when I move on to another relationship, I'll consider being friends again, but that will take a while. Truthfully, I don’t see it happening – as far as I am concerned – the friendship is over.


    as I am concerned – the friendship is over.

    Posted by LuLuLemon July 22, 09 11:22 AM
  1. Speaking from a woman's point of view: you are a douche bag.

    I hope Maria gets her s*@# together, matures, gets a new best friend, and finds the love of her life who is in LOVE with her and forgets you ever existed.

    Exes SHOULD NOT be friends. If exes are friends it's because they had children together or share custody of pets. It absolutely baffles me when exes are friends. I tried it! Was a waste of time...

    You want your cake and to eat it too! Eff off loser! Go eff your amazing new woman and leave Maria completely, like fall off the face of the earth, to HEAL.

    Posted by Amazed July 22, 09 11:24 AM
  1. As a guy of a similar age as the writer, I have one thing to say, "Did you fail the part of man school where you were taught that once you cross the friend/lover line with a lady that there is a .001% chance that things will ever return to the way that they were?".

    The truth is that while guys/gals say that they can disassociate the act of making love into just sex, it isn't always the case. Especially when it occurs between long-term friends. Because either one of the party is hoping that it escalates into something much more special. Plus, add on the fact that you are now hooking up with her friend...

    Good luck, bro, and please keep us informed as I have a feeling that this soap opera aka your life is just starting to get interesting.

    Posted by Laughing at You July 22, 09 11:25 AM
  1. You want this crazy girl, who you slept with, who WANTS to be with you, to be your best friend again? Your new paramour should fill this role if she if she is what you cracked her up to be. Especially if it is forever. How does the new girl feel about you wanting to be best friends with a female you slept with?

    Side note, good job on keeping it physical w/only committed folks, I find that the best.

    Posted by swfoutsida July 22, 09 11:27 AM
  1. Can't have your cake and eat it too. She and you blew it. Leave it at that. Repairing something like that will take a really long time or won't happen at all. Move on and find a new super best friend

    Posted by Anonymous July 22, 09 11:27 AM
  1. Its better in the long run to just let her go. If she is able to handle your friendship in the future, she will let you know.

    You definitely blew it by sleeping together and casually dating.

    Posted by Sabs July 22, 09 11:27 AM
  1. I just found this blog yesterday and I LOVE IT! I've read some of the archives and Merideth's no-nonsense striaght talk advice is almost always on target. (99.7%- nobody's perfect) This one is no different....Maria will need time.

    And changing from friends to BF/GF because of drunken "dumb"-ness is never a great idea IMO....

    Posted by Shell24 July 22, 09 11:28 AM
  1. I honestly think you need to reexamine your relationship with Maria. I think you love her because you say your life is seriously lacking without her. Maybe the initial encounter just freaked the two of you out a bit and since she was probably contemplating a relationship with you anyway, was just further along emotionally. I think you owe it to the both of you to try a relationship for real starting at square one and see how it goes. Have that talk with her and if it doesn't work out this time with a real chance, then end both the relationship AND the friendship. Your future relationships will not dig the "my-best-friend-is-a-chick-that-I-can't-live-without" deal.

    Posted by katesmom July 22, 09 11:28 AM
  1. The reason your friendship was so great was because you both had a thing for one another. Once you tried to have a relationship, you realized how crazy she is. You got to just move on and forget about her. She is nuts, she will ruin your current relationship if you keep her around. Treat her as you would any other ex, and leave it at that. If you are missing the friendship with Maria that much, then your current girlfriend is not as amazing as you think.

    Posted by Sox09 July 22, 09 11:29 AM
  1. Meredith, could you link to the original letter from Tequila No More? Thanks.

    Posted by Christine July 22, 09 11:29 AM
  1. No no no no... they can't be friends anymore. The woman, like you said, probably has had feelings for TMM for awhile. She is too hurt and may take years to get over this. I think in both of their interests, they cannot be friends. They are way past where they were and it will never be the same again.

    Posted by BBer July 22, 09 11:29 AM
  1. When you're in love with someone - and you know that you can never be anything more than just friends - its very hard to be around the person. Because deep down inside you want more - but you know its never gonna happen. So you settle for any kind of attention - and at the same time you're so scared of the rejection. For me I'm just tryin my darndest to turn my feelings back into friendship - before I get rejected. I'm just glad I didn't do anything stupid so I can hold my head up high and pretend I didn't love you. But I do love you.

    Posted by I hope we can still be friends July 22, 09 11:33 AM
  1. First of all if you’ve been best friends with her, why have you never noticed her “lunatic” behavior with the other people she’s been dating?

    Sometimes mistakes like this happen, the relationship goes south and it can be hard to get it back on track. If she’s not contacting you, she probably isn’t interested in hearing from you or is just trying to get her mind right about all that happened. If I were you, I’d leave her alone when she comes back. Plus, you can’t have your cake and eat it, too -- if what you’re saying is true, that the relationship was more one-sided than not, then what you’re asking her to do is just forget all that stuff happened and rewind back to the way it was before. Easier said than done especially when you know she has strong feelings for you. If she’s really as crazy as you say she is, I don’t know why you’d even want to be in contact with her anyway.

    Posted by bumbly-bee July 22, 09 11:33 AM
  1. Geez, could this be any more all about him? That's the way it goes Tequila. There's no going back. Be happy you met someone nice and hope it's worth it. You and your good friend took a chance and it didn't work out and now she's really hurt, as shown by her actions. Now, you want it all, to date her friend, and have her back as your buddy to make your life complete. Probably not likely. I'd put it out there to her like Meredith said, but make it her choice if she can pretend to not have the more romantic feelings for you. Maybe you just have to accept that you tried and it failed. It happens.

    Posted by Lori Sun July 22, 09 11:34 AM
  1. You say: "A part of me is eager to do everything in my power to move our friendship past this hump. At that same time, I recognize that she blew it by acting like a huge jerk, and am therefore reluctant to grovel or apologize."

    You mean: I think I want my friend back, but not the way she is acting or feeling currently.

    But that's the problelm, TNM. You can't change the way she is acting or feeling. You can't say you're willing to do the work needed to repair the situation, and then immeditaly indicate that you are too impatient to deal with the hard work involved in repairing this situation.

    You gambled and lost. Sucks, doesn't it? I think it will take a very long time for the dust tosettle enough for a friendship to have even a hope of survival. (Maria's behavior cand avoidance dclearly indicates she sees this, by the way.) The adult thing to do is to make peace with this mess, move on with your paramour, give the situation a lot of space, and hope that it will come floating back to you. Sadly, your super-cool-best-friend-Maria is no more.

    Posted by Fievel July 22, 09 11:34 AM
  1. Well, I think you can forget about her being your best friend for a while. Give it some time (months or years) and maybe she'll be willing to revisit that. It may never happen. While it's a shame to lose a friend, it's a risk you take when sleeping with one. And when it does happen, the two people NEVER go into it with the same expectations, so it shouldn't be a surprise when it turns ugly.

    Posted by sparky July 22, 09 11:35 AM
  1. It takes a long time to go back to being friends after a, um, "slip-up" as you call it. I had a similar thing happen with my lab partner and best friend from college. It took us time, maybe about 6-8 months of non-contact, but we rebuilt our friendship as we had a good foundation to build upon. That was 8 years ago, and we are still best friends to this day. Have faith my friend, just don't push her, she'll come around...

    Posted by clortho July 22, 09 11:35 AM
  1. I could not agree more with Meredith. The guy here is completely insensitive. This coming from someone who fell for their best friend and am still dealing with getting over them. Yes, we hooked up only once but this best friend knew how I felt about them and yet continued to do things that were completely insensitive, like throw other women in my face etc.., which was extremely hurtful and they would continue to do that despite knowing that it was hurtful. So I can understand Maria's position here.

    In any case, when you fall in love with someone who you consider a close friend, you want them to acknowledge that and let you know that they care about you no matter what. Throwing other people in your face that they might be interested in and doing things that they know would hurt you is extremely insensitive and basically the sign of a jerk. It is hard enough to fall for someone who does not love you back, but then to deal with things that are hurtful (e.g., constantly letting you know how they would never go out with you), is the worse. I would never throw other people in someone's face constantly or remind them as to how undesirable they are, who was in love with me and I was not, more so when this person was also my best friend. A best friend is there for you even when the times are bad and being the person who is being rejected puts one in a very vulnerable position which requires support and patience from someone you might consider your best friend not blame from them for falling for them!

    Yes, I miss my best friend everyday but after how they treated me, I am not sure if we will ever be friends again. The ideal thing to do would have been to talk to me face to face and actually let me know that they really care about me and do not want to lose me as a friend and minimise actions that were hurtful.

    So you cannot expect Maria to just get over you and be your best friend again. If you want that, you will have to not only give her time and space, but also show her that you really care. Maybe write her a letter or show her by some kind of gesture that you really hope to be friends again. And maybe she will not be receptive at first but you may want to go above and beyond if you really do care about her. I dont think she needs to be forgiven here. But she may need to forgive you for being insensitive.

    Good luck!

    Posted by were you really a friend? July 22, 09 11:35 AM
  1. My my my haven't we gotten ourselves in a mess??? Rico is here to help fix it up.

    Rico thinks this needs to be put in bullet form:

    1. You use words like paramour to describe dating a new person? This is an odd choice of word which we will discuss further.

    2. You slept with a best friend...hmmmm

    3. You are now dating your "best friends" friend

    4. Best friend left for 3 months and didn't know about your new friend or the break up with her?

    Ok, Rico thinks this:

    Rico suggests you take your head and lift it carefully from the toilet and pull a towel from the rackk and wipe it off. Now Rico thinks you should sit down and listen. You slept with a friend and she wanted more, this makes you emotionally UNintelligent. You are using words that normal everyday folk just don't use which makes you sound like a pompous self involved A$$. Your friend left for 3 months and you broke up without her actually knowing and somehow managed to get into a new full blown relationship with a friend of hers in this short time and somehow you want us to believe you are holier than thou because you don't just have sex with women without a long term commitment? Rico thinks you are a liar and a bad one at that. Rico thinks you better hope this "friend" doesn't come home from her 3 months away with a little belly bulge because you forgot to mention the lack of birth control.

    OK, Rico also wants to say this: Rico knows from experience sleeping with a friend is not a good idea unless you plan to make it more. How did you miss this? You say late 20's but Rico thinks late teens by your actions/words. Rico wonders how you missed this? friendship 101, dating 101...hello, is anything functioning in that small head of yours? Rico also thinks you owe a HUGE apology to this girl you call a friend and another apology to the new "paramour". Did you ever think of dating someone that is not a friend of a friend? That is just way too uncool. Rico thinks you have a problem that is far beyond what this column is about.

    Rico suggests you put your head back in the toilet now and flush...Seriously? Dude, what the F is wrong with you? Paramour? friend of friend? You deserve what you are getting, she may be nuts but you are an A$$. Rico hopes you can see this but he figures you are too self centered to think you actually did anything wrong.

    meredith was too nice to you.

    did you use a condom? Maybe that is why she got moody?

    Love always,

    Rico

    Gears not Gas...take the 2 mile challenge today!!!

    Posted by Rico July 22, 09 11:36 AM
  1. You shouldn't have slept with her. Your best friend Maria is gone forever. Sorry about that!

    Posted by Linda July 22, 09 11:37 AM
  1. I must concur with Meredith on this one. I think she's probably always had a thing for you and that contributed to her being such a super cool friend. You have to know that things will never ever be the same, not even close. Sorry that you lost a friend, but at least she can move on now.

    Posted by dt July 22, 09 11:37 AM
  1. I can't think straight until Hoss posts a reponse.

    Posted by John Stamos July 22, 09 11:38 AM
  1. "paramour" -- seriously?

    Maria is embarrassed and angry and she is giving you a pretty clear signal when you say she is not initiating contact and not very responsive. Good luck with that. Meredith's advice is probably as good as it's going to get. Say your piece so that YOU can get closure, and try to be caring about how you tell her what's on your mind. It's sad but I'm guessing this friendship is pretty much done -- at least for now.

    Posted by move on July 22, 09 11:38 AM
  1. There's a lot to take in here. For a quick comment, I agree with Meredith. You do seem to be missing a sensitivity chip and need to give your friend some space. You seem to be very focused on what you want/need and not so much on what Maria may want/need. Ok, it does sound like maybe she was a little bit on the crazy side, but this was your super cool best friend. I'm sure she felt that she could 100% be herself around you and that if she morphed into a lunatic every now and again your feelings/perception of her wouldn't change. She was in love with you and wanted a relationship and you weren't on the same page. Now you are dating her friend and sound very happy about it, and you expect that Maria should just accept this and move on.

    You called her a nut bag right here in your letter but yet you still want her as your super cool best friend, come on buddy! I mean really, how would you feel if it were in reverse? Maybe in time she'll want to be friends again, but really regardless of how she acted you're really not being a super cool friend to her at the moment so I don't know how you can expect that from her.

    But, really at this point, that is neither here nor there from

    Posted by CC July 22, 09 11:39 AM
  1. As someone who has been there, let me provide the female perspective. I dated someone for 3 months - one week after he told me he was 'all in', I freaked out and several weeks later he told me he wanted to be just friends.

    For months afterwards, it was painful to be his friend, but I couldn't detach because we just had so much in common. The reason our friendship survived (and prospered, I might add) is that when he began dating someone seriously, he told me about it in a sensitive and compassionate manner. We had an opportunity to resolve all of our issues and define a new relationship that works for both of us (and respects his girlfriend, too).

    I don't think avoiding the topic of 'your paramour' is going to win much trust. You owe it to your friend to tell her directly and honestly (IN PERSON!) the reasons why you don't see a future with her. She may feel that you bailed on her instead of working through your issues together (and that's gotta hurt - a LOT). After all, you had a fantastic foundation to build a relationship on.

    Truthfully, I don't see much of a friendship future if you see her as a nut bag. If you want to salvage this friendship, you are going to have to improve your ability to see her perspective. And you both need to learn how to communicate better.

    Posted by Older and Wiser July 22, 09 11:41 AM
  1. I think the real issue here is that you put shams on the wrong pillows, and that, as far as I am concerned, is totally unforgivable.

    There are several types of pillow cases. Most important are the pillow cases that go on the every-night sleeping pillows, the ones that catch the drool and the occasional nosebleed. These must be at least 800 thread-count. Scratchy fabric on a cheek is the quickest way to acne, fine lines and split ends. Then there are the pillow cases that go on the pillows that we don’t actually sleep on, i.e., the pillows we put in the chest next to the bed before we go to bed each night. These cases don’t necessarily have to be of a high thread-count. The most important detail about these cases: they must be the prettiest and most slightly of all the bed linens, because these are the ones our visitors see (e.g., boyfriends or potential boyfriends). Three: there are the throw pillows. Those also come off the bed at night. For women, it’s obvious: the size of the pillow indicates the size of the case. But someone less learned on the art of bed-making may ignorantly put a large pillow case on the throw pillow, and well, that’s just embarrassing.

    Now, I don’t want to get too long-winded, but I should point out there are “cat pillow cases.” This is a whole other issue, which we can talk about after your current paramour adopts her first cat.

    You might want to suck it up and admit that the pillow case thing was completely and totally your fault, and though you know you missed the bus on the possibility of love, you could learn to be a better friend, and a better bed-maker. Your friend Maria sounds as crazy as a loon, but some crazy loons are just too darn loveable to lose.

    Posted by Sally July 22, 09 11:42 AM
  1. Wastin away again in margaritaville
    Searchin for my lost shaker of salt
    Some people claim that theres a woman to blame
    Now I think
    Hell, it could be my fault
    ... Errr, sorry-muzak trance....
    Ee gads, Mate! You should have seen this coming. If you were truly Maria's *best friend* you should have had insight into her quirky relationship behavior. I would assume a best friend would have observed "Herself" having hissy fit or two over boyfriends du jour in the past and know better than to get romantically involved. She was away for 3 months-morbid curiosity makes me wonder what type of communication went back and forth between the two of you over that time period to make her think she is still your main squeeze. I suspect that "super-cool-best-friend-Maria" was never really that "super cool", she just had the hots for you and all along has wanted to make grilled cheese and babies with you. She put on the super-cool sorority sister act to cozy up to you, but once she had you the preppy twin sweater set and matching pearls came off and you were left with Broadzilla. I have seen this a lot in my years of experience. Not a pretty sight. My suggestion, tell her it won't work out. You are sorry. Move on. Stop texting, emailing, calling, stalking. Don't promise friendship in the future lest we LL readers starts receiving letters from 'Life is a sham' in 6 months questioning whether the guy who went from friend-to-lover-to-friend-and sometimes-friend-with-benefits really means it when he says he only wants to be her friend, because she and all the girls in the coffee clatch thing there is chemistry between them.
    End communication. It's sad that you lost your super-cool best friend, but the odds are it was only an act anyway.
    Generational pet peeve: why do all LL writers under 30 gush about their exes as *best friends* and *soul mates* then go on to diss the person and say how horrible they have been treated by them. Is this a product of the Facebook and My Space generation where people can have 1000 friends whom they have never met, thus a person with whom they have actually swapped saliva and body fluids becomes defacto a best friend and soul mate? Just wondering.

    Posted by Wasted away again in margaritaville July 22, 09 11:47 AM
  1. Wow, That's alot of drama in such a short time span. Meredith hit the bullseye with this one. Sounds like you **it where you sleep and now you have to pay the price. Friendships are hard to get back once you've taken in to the next level. Good luck to ya!

    Posted by The King July 22, 09 11:49 AM
  1. Very "When Harry Met Sally" when I read the letter...hah....you know what...I think he is the nut bag. I actually read it and I think he is head over heals for her and isn't admitting it to himself. Take a good long look at yourself buddy and really think about it and accept it - you are head over heals in love with your best friend. The sooner you come to terms with it, the sooner you can enjoy it....

    Posted by spaceman July 22, 09 11:49 AM
  1. I agee with Meredith - your expectations are too high to regain the friendship right away. You want the friendship but in a selfish way - you have to consider how it will feel for Maria to be friends with someone who she's in love with but doesn't return her feelings AND is dating someone else. True friendship means wanting happiness for your friend, and right now Maria will not find happiness in a close friendship with you.
    You both need time apart from each other. Not to mention, how would your new girlfriend feel about you being best friends with a woman you've slept with, who is in love with you - you need to think about HER feelings too.
    Tell Maria that you regret the way things went wrong between you and that you want to take a break from being in touch - ideally it should be 6 months. That will help the angst to die down, and hopefully Maria might meet someone new by then. Then you can get back in touch and see if you can rekindle the friendship.

    Posted by Sharon July 22, 09 11:53 AM
  1. Been there. done that.

    super-cool-best-friend is no longer. accept.

    It may take you a while to completely let go, but I suggest you do. completely

    Meredith is right on that there were feelings prior to the encounter. Most likely on both parts, if you're being honest with yourself. And you were most likely cool with the FWB thing as a segue - but she wasn't and couldn't verbalize it, so she was acting out. Like freaking about pillow shams. Acting like a nut bag, when before you thought she was super-cool is a BIG RED FLAG.

    I miss my own super-cool friend. A lot. It's been more than 2 years and I haven't been able to replace him. PS - he moved on to a good friend of mine and they dated and engaged and lived in another country together before breaking up. So essentially I lost two super cool friends. Maria has too.

    You may never find another Maria.

    But you've got a new paramour and she deserves your complete attention.

    Be in the moment.

    Posted by anonymouslycommenting July 22, 09 12:01 PM
  1. Hoss --spot on. Thank you. I went from a Rico fan to a Hoss fan... go figure...

    Posted by Amazed July 22, 09 12:01 PM
  1. Meredith is right. You sound like a narcissictic prick! Because you only care about what you want and never what Maria wants/wanted! How else would you expect someone to react when they are in love with you? And no matter how drunk, you dont sleep with your "friends" unless there is a clear understanding that feelings are not involved! My former best friend jumped all over me knowing that I was in love with them and never wanted to date me as such! Its not the same as sleeping with a stranger! Extremely hurtful and a total sign of a jerk- blaming it on the alcohol is so easy! I say Maria should never speak with you again and you lost a super-cool friend!

    Posted by lost a friend! July 22, 09 12:02 PM

  1. Suggestions for Grasshopper-
    Is this friendship salvageable? Yes but it takes two to reach the “promised land of friendship that once was”
    Or was sleeping with Maria truly the beginning of the end? (I thought the world was supposed to end with a whimper, not a bang!) Possibly a bang - if she's not interested in salvaging the remains of the mutual friendship, then it appears the friendship ended with a bang - literally. HAHAHA
    How do I make her realize that I forgive her behavior, that she doesn't have to feel humiliated by her actions, and that we can move beyond this? First off, speak to her and if she's receptive, demonstrate by actions – not physical actions but plutonic actions. Go for dinner, brunch, or do whatever you did that made her the “super-cool-best-friend”
    t

    Posted by twocents July 22, 09 12:02 PM
  1. OMG! This description of "super-cool-best-friend-Maria" almost perfectly fits that of my friend, who had a one night stand with a guy who was her best friend. Anyway, from my perspective as the primary "counsellor" to my jilted friend, (let's call her Hope), I don't think there is any chance for a reconciliation between TNM and Maria. Ever since the guy told Hope that he only wants to be friends and is now dating someone else, Hope has gone from a cool, laid-back individual to an obsessed, crying, constantly complaining, I'm-a-victim-nobody-has-it-worse-than-me type. Even I am getting tired of it, and I'm just a friend. The old Hope is gone, just like Maria. Sorry TNM, it's time for you to move on.

    Posted by Flat out of ideas on how to counsel Hope. July 22, 09 12:03 PM
  1. I vaguely recall the original letter, and I could've sworn that TNM was a female and we were talking about two females in a relationship here.

    If I'm not losing my mind and am correct, that certainly sheds an interesting light on many of the comments already posted! Hard to blame things on "girls" being "clingy," or "guys" being "douchebags" if both involved have lady parts!

    Posted by Alice July 22, 09 12:06 PM
  1. Sally, here's a tip: if you're on a roll with your jokes, end them sooner than later. Your comment about shams and pillows had me laughing in the beginning, but the excessive verbiage totally killed any humor.

    How are your boobs? Do your pillows love them?

    Posted by The Dude July 22, 09 12:07 PM
  1. You come off as very selfish. Go back and read what you wrote. Wow.
    Leave her alone for a while-let Maria come back and get in touch with you if she wants. Then take if from there.

    Posted by pb July 22, 09 12:08 PM
  1. Sally...love it.
    And Rico was dead on today.

    I would love to hear from a male perspective of when they fell in love with their best girl friend. Ooops, wouldn't want to offend anyone. Best WOMAN friend. Better?
    I just feel like even though I know this happens all of the time, it's only women writing in about falling in love with their friends. My best friend is a man, and we have made the decision not to cross that line, because it will ruin us. He kissed me once and we weren't comfortable around eachother for a while after that. It's not worth losing him just to try it out and see if it works.

    Posted by sm1231 July 22, 09 12:09 PM
  1. Wow, sounds like Rico and Hoss are actually on the same page lately??? This guy is a total tool. My guess is he has no other friends and his new paramour is about to dump his pompous self centered butt.

    LOSER!!!

    Posted by You need sensitivity training July 22, 09 12:09 PM
  1. I want Rico to be my paramour...I have a gear that needs grinding :)

    Posted by cupcake July 22, 09 12:09 PM
  1. You were a part of the reason why all this went to hell but are not willing to take responsibility on any of it, you put all the blame on her without really acknowledging that you hurt her, failed to clearly express the expectations of the sexual encounter, and then decide that you are willing to forgive her. Of course she may have acted weird and gotten a little clingy but you were part of this mess too.
    You have ruined this friendship. Let this be a lesson for you (and others male and female) that one must always try to clearly express expectations in relationships of this nature. The only thing that you can do in this case is once Maria comes back to town is truly apologize for been an insensitive immature person and hurting her feelings. Don’t expect her to apologize; she may not be ready to do so. Then give her time and space. But be clear that you guys will never be the same. She may not even want to see you and that is her thing, let it be. Don’t insist on “hanging out” and “making peace” that will just make things worse.
    PoliteG

    Posted by Anonymous July 22, 09 12:11 PM
  1. Maria sounds like the loony type, check that'll toss her ankles behind her ears and bark like a seal. Anyone have her number?

    Posted by Frankenballz July 22, 09 12:14 PM
  1. WE HAVE A GROWING PROBLEM with LL comments. There are simply too many! I feel overwhelmed by all of them and frankly, it's time we did something about it.

    I think it would be much easier to sort through if they were color coded. Perhaps we could break them up my annual income, profession, or social status. Something like that.

    I'd love to look through and read all the doctor's comments highlighted in a bright Red. Or maybe those who make at least 6 figures could be in a rich Gold color. Also, I think that janitors should have their text be in a bright yellow because it would be difficult to see and we could pass right over it just like we would in everday life.

    I don't need to read through all the janitor's comments on here. I mean, get real (unless the letter deals with bodily fluids).

    Posted by John Stamos July 22, 09 12:17 PM
  1. Yay! A letter on Wednesday. This is a treat. is Tequila No More a guy? Why does he/she think it is OK to call someone a paramour? It sounds like the "paramour" is more than that, maybe, a relationship partner, and deserving of a more respectful title. In any case, you can't often have your cake and eat it too. So he/she may need to revise his/her expectations around a friendship with "Maria". TNM should also know that meeting a guy you really like can cause normal super cool girls to act nuts temporarily. Maybe your former best friend/lover deserves better treatment than a vague break up and speedy replacement.

    Posted by Posey July 22, 09 12:19 PM
  1. It's done! Like another poster said, she was a "super cool" fraud. The classic bait and switch personality! Hair, make-up, heels, push-ups, etc, aren't the only facade used to entrap. Quite often, playing the "cool type" can be just another ruse that is quickly dropped in the post-sex era...

    Seriously, have you never dated before??

    The old Maria is gone and has been replaced with Emotionally-connected Maria... It's too late to return to what you had. It's worth noting that I think you're probably underestimating how she viewed the relationship before that night... Once you got up and over that hill, Welcome to The Machine!

    Posted by DJMcG July 22, 09 12:19 PM
  1. Can you give me Maria's number?

    Posted by Dave July 22, 09 12:20 PM
  1. Interesting point #49. How many women expect guys to know what kind of shams to put on which pillow? It is more likely that a woman expects another woman to have this knowledge.

    Posted by Suspicious July 22, 09 12:20 PM
  1. Dude, are you delusional? You want to be best friends again?! Never happen.

    It sounds to me like you fell for the super cool Maria friend. Tequila accidents don't just happen. And if it was an accident, you wouldn't have started a relationship in the first place. I don't think you're being honest with yourself about how you feel about this Maria person. Sure, the pillow sham incident is annoying, but it sounds to me as if you would be happy to be with her if she could shed this sort of superficial nuttiness. It wouldn't be fair to Maria or your new girlfriend if you renewed the friendship with Maria.

    Posted by David J July 22, 09 12:21 PM
  1. A little over a year ago, my boyfriend of two and a half years broke up with me. We had met freshman year of college and become best friends before we started dating. Our relationship was wonderful, but he had the classic almost-done-with-college-commitophobia, even though we had talked at length that we knew we wanted to be together forever (blah blah).

    Anyway, our breakup was terrible for me, partially because I am not a commitophobe, and even though I would have rather met him at age 27 instead of 19, I was prepared to not go through a short-relationship-random-hookup stage of life. I was totally heartbroken, and although he wanted to stay friends, I was not able to maintain a friendship and my sanity at the same time. Long story short, we didn't speak except for the occasional why-did-you-ruin-my-life email for about 6 or 7 months. It was especially difficult because, since we'd met at the beginning of college, we had all of the same closest friends.

    However, about 5 months ago, there was a huge situation that does not require explanation, and I called him and said that we had to talk. After a long, angry, sad, emotional conversation, we decided that clearly being friends wasn't working for us, and maybe we should try being friends again. Long story short, we are now back to being almost as close as we were before we dated. It's still difficult for me, but I'm seeing someone new and he is moving across the country for graduate school, and our friendship is incredibly important to both of us. Again, I consider him one of my closest friends, and sometimes it's nice that we were together, because he knows more about me than probably anyone besides my mom.

    As far as this story relates to Tequila - our current friendship would not have been possible without the months of separation we had. Clearly you and Maria weren't together for as long as he and I were, but the concept is the same. She will need time to heal, and rediscover herself, and only then will you be able to be friends again. I encourage you to wait for her, however, because if the situation is at all similar to mine, my friendship with my ex is precious and special.

    Posted by Katya July 22, 09 12:22 PM
  1. Ha ha ha, Rico! Belly Bulge.
    Pregnancy does cause mood swings, Rico might be on to something here?

    Posted by #1 Rico fan July 22, 09 12:22 PM
  1. Didn't you see the TV show? Joey and Dawson can't go back to being Joey and Dawson after they hook up. Joshua Jackson was the paramour and oh-so-much cuter than James Van Der Beek anyhow. You're going to have to back off and wait for Dawson/Maria to realize that they can't be with you the way they want, but that your friendship is valuable to them, nevertheless. Or it might be a little more like reality, and she'll be hurt and angry and not want to be friends with someone who could have misled her so completely. Trying to press the issue now would make Pacey/New Paramour suspicious and give Dawson/Maria the wrong idea.

    Posted by I don't wanna wait...for our lives to be over... July 22, 09 12:22 PM
  1. How do you solve a problem like Maria?

    First of all, don’t beat yourself up about this. While it would have been prudent for both of you to wear emo-condoms while practicing Foreplay 4 Friends, look at your foray into Area 51 as being a cue ball on the break: You needed to rearrange the table by doing something drastic. Look, Glenn Close was going to explode at some point. You don’t need a lesson in wiping front to back…you know the dangers of mixing cocktails and entrails. I think you and the whack-job should relax, take off your pants and jacket…and give it some distance…time and space. You haven’t got a great shot at the 8-ball and are in danger of scratching. It will give you and your “paramour” (it’s only a paramour if it’s illicit) time to build a more secure rabbit hutch.

    Herradura Haiku

    With each shot you shine
    My lover and my best friend
    Speak now or hold peace

    Posted by valentino July 22, 09 12:24 PM
  1. Usually I don't totally agree with Hoss or Rico, but they're totally right on today. And that's coming from a mid-20s female...

    Posted by CJnBoston July 22, 09 12:25 PM
  1. Though I could be wrong, my hunch is that:

    1). Maria truly is a nutbag.

    2). There is a decent possibility (50%) that Maria was given enough info to know she had been dumped, but chose denial instead.

    3). Rico is 100% accurate in diagnosing "Emotional Un-Intelligence" in letter writer. Additionally, letter writer is socially inept. The combination of EU and SI in one person creates a personality as fruity as Maria.

    Good thing you two broke up, also that you are no longer friends. You two are a lethal combination.

    Posted by Sigh July 22, 09 12:29 PM
  1. I don't even know where to begin you narcissistic idiot. You miss your super cool friend Maria, life isn't the same without her. Sounds to me like you are in love with her! You're blaming the whole thing on her but I'd give a million bucks to hear her side of the story. You want her to know that you forgive her? You pompous horses patooty. She shouldn't feel humiliated, well aren't you just the most wonderful man on earth. I hope Maria never contacts you again and that you spend the rest of your crummy life truly missing her. Maria, if you are out there, DON'T contact this guy.

    Posted by Rose July 22, 09 12:32 PM
  1. You can't go back, it is time to move on... Maria is gone and is not coming back. I was in a similar situation except I dated my best friend for over three years (off and on). He was unable to commit and I was unable to go back to being friends as the line was already crossed. The only solution I could see (and it sounds like Maria sees it this way) was no contact.

    Posted by Anonymous July 22, 09 12:36 PM
  1. this why harry in "when harry met sally" said men and women can't be friends - there is always some sort of attraction by one person and maybe both... anyways, you are being selfish in wanting to continue a friendship when she has shown (by not initiating contact, etc.) that she does not want to. you can communicate your feelings to her, but you must accept it if she is not willing to be your "super cool best friend" anymore... best of luck

    Posted by k July 22, 09 12:36 PM
  1. Rico usually bothers me, but today he makes me laugh. Well said!

    Posted by Rico's funny sometimes July 22, 09 12:38 PM
  1. i don't believe a straight male/female can be best friends --- unless they're a couple. maybe things are different in this younger generation but i think they're "best friends" because one of them is in love with the other.

    Posted by old maid July 22, 09 12:41 PM
  1. See #6 and Meredith's great advice. The idioms of the day are, "you let the genie out of the bottle" and "you can't have your cake and eat it too".

    Posted by Darwin July 22, 09 12:43 PM
  1. The LW wrote:
    "I haven't mentioned the new paramour at all ... and there's a lot to catch up on."

    Do you want Maria back so you can talk endlessly about how wonderful and amazing your new paramour is??? Egad! Yes, that would indicate a total lack of sensitivity! Maria doesn't need to hear all that.

    If you want to be a friend, act like one. Let her cry on your shoulder about the insensitive boyfriend that cheated on her with her friend. Oh... that's right... that was YOU!

    Do you see how this is not going to work, at least not for a long while? Right now, it is impossible because Maria needs someone to bitch to about you, and you need someone to be your sounding board for your happiness, a happiness which happens to be all at her expense.

    Can exes be friends? Yes I do think they can. I am still friends with all my exes. But in most cases (the ones that weren't a mutual breakup), it took time and distance to lick the wounds and move on first. In cases where I did the breaking up, it took a lot of tact and sensitivity on my part. No going on and on about how wonderful my new boyfriend is... and also no complaining either (because that can raise hope where you don't want to raise it). And consistency, consistency, consistency - to make it gently clear that there is not going to be another chance at anything more than friendship.

    It also really helps if you let the person know it wasn't them and you still think they are great - just for someone else. This takes great skill. You can't say "because you are a psycho bitch." But, you can say, hmm, let me see, how about - "you want a man that will be faithful - and that's just not me, I'm not capable of it, and you deserve better."

    But be prepared for Maria to tell you that with friends like you, she doesn't need enemies. You treated her poorly and your letter here demonstrates you don't quite understand how you did. If you want her forgiveness, that is the first step: truly understanding how crappy you have been to her, and how much pain she must feel.

    Posted by anecdotal evidence July 22, 09 12:45 PM
  1. People...I'm pretty sure TNM is a woman. So all of you bashing this "dude" for being a "prick" - you've totally got the wrong picture.

    Anyway, I think that Meredith's advice is dead-on. If there is any friendship to salvage, it will take time for "Maria" to heal and TNM needs to just be patient, sensitive, and kind and let whatever happens with this friendship, if anything, happen on it's own timeline.

    Posted by Jen July 22, 09 12:47 PM
  1. Sleeping with your best friend might have been the worst decision you could make. Because, if things don't work (as this didn't) you lose both the relationship _AND_ the friend. It is IMPOSSIBLE to go back.

    That said, what were you saying to Maria over these three months on her assignment while you were talking to her? There's a difference between 'best-friend' talk and 'relationship' talk -- were you doing the latter?

    Also, dating her friend might not have been a smart decision. And, in my experience, most male-female best-friend relationships involve one person 'hoping' for a romance...

    Posted by mz July 22, 09 12:49 PM
  1. I agree with Rico today too!!
    TNM doesn't sound like a very good BF. Who would write about their BF the way he did? He might be in his late 20's but sounds very immature. Maria will be better off if she moves on.

    Posted by bgcomreader July 22, 09 12:50 PM
  1. Ok you sleep with your best friend, have a fight , she leaves on a 3 month work assignment out of the country and you start dating a "aquaintance" of her's. Wow did you ever here that you don't sh*t in your own backyard, You start dating someone she knows???? r u all right ???

    You know what ,guys like you are easy to peg, you think with your second brain, you got a piece of tail, when things got a little hot and you new she was leaving for 3 months, you tried to break it off so you could get laid with a clear consience.
    So now you want everything to be just like it was before.

    Maria: Lay him one more time on your terms, then dump him and start dating his best male friend.

    Posted by pepperlevine July 22, 09 12:53 PM
  1. I think 49 is right on...we are talking about 2 women here. See Mere's comment at the end: "Is she expecting too much of Maria?"

    Regardless...as we know from Jerry and Elaine sleeping together, you can't have "this" AND "that"...I think the friendship is salvageable given time, understanding, and some groveling on Tequila's part. Methinks if Maria wasn't clear about the breakup it was because you (male or female) didn't man up about being clear, and is not a reflection of Maria's sanity. You owe her a sincere apology. And you should be prepared to have to choose between continuing with your "paramour" and getting your super cool friend back.

    Posted by yikes July 22, 09 12:55 PM
  1. I never agree with Hoss.

    But I agree utterly with Hoss.

    The Letter Writer is an immature, insensitive, uncomprehending ass. I feel deeply for his new girlfriend. Trust me, this will not end well either.

    Posted by lisalisa July 22, 09 12:57 PM
  1. paramour - illicit lover of a married person

    Posted by rlsrd July 22, 09 01:00 PM
  1. Whoa....She blew a gasket and she doesn't even know about you dating her friend, yet?????
    You thought she was a nut job BEFORE that?
    Boy, hang onto your ankles!

    DrK

    Posted by DrK July 22, 09 01:01 PM
  1. Your super-cool-best-friend Maria left the building as soon as you guys slept together. I am not sure why you want to re-create whatever it is you had as a friendship with her (it really like sounds like she was putting on her best face in an attempt to win your affections) and I know that the how of re-gaining her friendship is going to be complicated given your choice to date one of your mutual friends. And if she is as nutty as you say she is, why do you want her in your life? Do you miss the attention? The drama? Want to make sure you don't screw up those pillow shams the next time you wash your sheets?

    Posted by TakesANutBagtoKnowANutBag July 22, 09 01:01 PM
  1. Hey everyone, I am quoting Meredith here: "Readers? Thoughts? Is she expecting too much of Maria? Is Maria pillow-sham crazy? Share thoughts here. Remember to chat at 1 p.m."

    Notice that Meredith said "is SHE expecting too much of Maria."

    This is interesting because it really makes most of the gender-based assumptions and accusations irrelevant and explains the use of the antiquated word "paramour".

    Noting this, I still think that a lot of the advice is dead-on: TNM has lost a friend and that's really sad. TNM should be more sensitive and understand Maria's point of view. She should also give Maria a lot of space and a lot of time to heal. Stop the calling, emailing, and oversharing about your current love interest! Give Maria a break and definitely stay away from the tequila.

    Posted by SassySarah July 22, 09 01:03 PM
  1. YOU forgive HER behavior??? For what? For sleeping with you and then feeling rejected, humiliated and dumped? Let's face it.....even though you say she's a nutbag, you said you miss her. Your life isn't the same without her in it. You love her, nuts and all, so you might as well dump the paramour and grovel back to Maria. Buy her a new set of sheets without pillow shams and ask her to test them out with you, for a lifetime.

    Posted by shams not shame July 22, 09 01:10 PM
  1. TNM couldn't be a woman...a woman wouldn't make a pillow case mistake, only a man could do that.

    Posted by Male chauvinist July 22, 09 01:12 PM
  1. I agree wtih Rico and Hoss. I really think you hurt Maria and nothing will ever be the same. Sounds like you have a complete misperception of life in general. I doubt all of her actions were without reason.

    Rico, I know you have said you are a heterosexual male, but I read your posts and sometimes the movie "The Birdcage" pops into my head.

    Posted by summa! baby bumma! July 22, 09 01:16 PM
  1. I'm still wondering if the LL writer is a male or female?????

    Posted by singleinthecity July 22, 09 01:21 PM
  1. Tell you what you do. Invite Maria to join you and your current GF for a little menage. Everyone wins. I have never seen an unhappy ending to a menage. You won't regret it.

    Posted by Luna Lovegood July 22, 09 01:21 PM
  1. Always remember "Crazy Chicks are fun, because they never say no!". I have lost times of how many times I have gotten the reply "You want to put WHAT? WHERE? Well... OK!!!". Geez, if you are in your 20's, you should keep this one in your back pocket just for fun. My first thought would be to get Maria over on the same night as her friend, crack open a fifth of Patron Resposada, and make some new material for Penthouse Forum. OTOH, you can just keep her for a backup booty call. Or at least as psychological leverage against the new girl "Hey, I can always go back to Maria, she NEVER complained about that!". Oh, to be young again... those were the days!

    Posted by DudeGuyKidDudeGuy666 July 22, 09 01:23 PM
  1. Why would you want to be friends again, if the underlying trait that scared you off is clearly still present?? I agree with Meredith that "Maria" probably had feelings for you for some time, which explains the behavior when things didn't work out.
    Anyway, there is no good spin to put on the potential "friendship" that will be ok with the new girlfriend, which you seem to want to keep. I think that will only wreak havoc. That should be your concern here.
    Since "Maria" seems unresponsive and uncommunicative, keep things that way, and consider yourself lucky.

    Posted by manda July 22, 09 01:24 PM
  1. Yesterday we had The Seven Year Itch. Today's reads like Lesbian Fatal Attraction. Read the letter carefully. What guy you know says things like “demanding I do chores for her" (and was expected to be expert about pillow shams?) or “my new paramour is an amazing woman" or “there's a lot to catch up on”? That's girl talk and it sounds like it's over for you, Girlfriend.

    Posted by Kate's Nonna July 22, 09 01:25 PM
  1. Comment #6 was dead-on. She was like a pro athlete in a contract year... hustling down the line, diving into the stands, being a team player, etc. Once she landed what she thought was a long-term deal, the real person came out. It's a bit of head scratcher why you would even want her a best friend again, but that's a separate issue. In any case, that boat has sailed... and it's not coming back. Super cool female friend was a mirage.

    Posted by JPeterman July 22, 09 01:26 PM
  1. Rico is right, you are an arrogant, pompous, self centered jacka$$.

    Like he said put your head in the toilet and FLUSH it.

    Maria, if you are out there, we all hope you didn't get knocked up by such a total loser. If you read his letter then you already know he doesn't deserve you or the new "paramour". Move on to greener pastures, this guy sounds like he has mad cow or something. Actually he is totally delusional.

    Has to be a guy, a woman doesn't make pillowcase mistakes :)

    Maria can do better, anyone can do better. LOSER LOSER LOSER

    Posted by LW IS A LOSER July 22, 09 01:27 PM
  1. The more I re-read this letter, the more I also think it was written by a woman.

    LW is still in love with Maria. Fess up or move on and just leave her alone.

    Posted by Patty July 22, 09 01:28 PM
  1. Only Hoss, Jen, and one or two others understood the context of the relationship: LW is the same gender as Maria.

    Gotta love arse-hat Rico asking if LW used a condom in the midst of his bitter, angry speech. Rico should encourage Rico to mellow out and then tell Rico that this is a blog.

    Posted by Boo Ya Bonham July 22, 09 01:31 PM
  1. ditto ditto ditto to Hoss's reply... this guy is a jerk who thinks the girl is a 'nutbag' BUT she is his best friend that he misses. PPPlleassseee.e... give me a break with this phony ness and go hang out with your 'paramour' - about whom you want to brag to Maria but Maria is not interested!!
    oh, agree with Rico too :) lol....

    Posted by chins July 22, 09 01:35 PM
  1. OK, I feel better now. When I read the letter, I thought it was Female-on-Female thing too (the Prose sounded feminine). Glad to see many others agreed. Although, I find it really disturbing if the LW is in fact a woman; since she should "know better"... how's that for "Sexist"??? Hah!

    Posted by DudeGuyKidDudeGuy666 July 22, 09 01:36 PM
  1. Alright TMN,
    No way you can salvage this business with Maria. Regardless of whether you salvage the friendship or not -- she will never go back to being your super cool bffl. You need to let it go.
    Just because you've gotten over the whole thing so quickly doesn't mean she has - nor does it mean that she has to. Meredith was spot on. Give her time.

    Posted by no drunken hookups July 22, 09 01:38 PM
  1. Here is the simplest way out of this. Talk to Maria. Repeat the term Paramour and the phrase super-cool-best friend Maria as often as you did in the letter. Maria will find this as annoying as the rest of the world and will run from your unbelievable pretentiousness.

    Posted by Me July 22, 09 01:38 PM
  1. I think,,,, it's that time of the month for Rico - the incognito but blatant owner of a flowered blouse and not a nutbag

    Posted by yeabut-whatever July 22, 09 01:40 PM
  1. are you in your 40s instead of your 20s? sounds exactly like someone i know who is a complete prick and a jerk and is in his 40s!!! did something kinda like what you did to Maria and never apologized even once or felt any sense of remorse and put all the blame on the other person!!! to think that people like that can go to sleep at night and go about their lives like nothing ever happened and walk all over someone and their feelings. hope there is some kind of justice at the end....................I dont think you deserve Maria as a friend at all. For her sake I hope she is able to move on soon and never look back. Sorry pal but you screwed everything up and you are extremely selfish and self-centered.

    Posted by wake up! July 22, 09 01:46 PM
  1. So you call her a "nut bag", but you still want to be "best friends" with her? Huh? The whole scenario sounds a little bizarre. I find it more than dramatic (on your end, not hers) that she morphed from one kind of a person as a friend to a totally different person (or so you claim) the minute it went from friendship to dating. How long was she your "best friend"? Are you saying her personality changed 180 degrees the minute you started dating her? If that's the case, you should be more concerned with her mental health vs you trying to salvage a best friend relationship for your benefit. Or, is that you didn't know your "best friend" as well as you thought and her critical behavior (at least to you) was just part of her personality that you either chose to ignore before or you didn't see her in all facets of her life (happy, sad, stressed, etc..). I too find it more than curious that you thought you broke up with her and she didn't. How exactly did you phrase it? Were you vague or clear? And then you chose to start seeing an acquaintance of hers, but then chalk up her being upset by that as her displaying "lunacy". Nice way to describe someone you claim you want to be "best friends" with. Best friends accept one other...flaws and all. I agree with Meredith...she has a right to feel upset by how things went down....regardless of who was at fault for the relationship ending. Give her space...and in the meantime, figure out your role in how things went down in the relationship. You paint her as a pillow sham fanatic, but I'm sure you had your own flaws that you're not recognizing.

    Posted by bklynmom July 22, 09 01:48 PM
  1. This guy is a selfish ass. The world doesn't revolve around you. Show some respect for someone you claim to have thought of as a "best friend". Is this how you treat all your friends? All you care about it what YOU want. You don't want a relationship with her, but you want her to be serving you as a best friend and to be available when you need her. What about what she wants? She wanted a relationship with you. She thought you were her boyfriend. Why don't you care about what she wants. She doesn't want to be your friend right now, so why can't you respect her and leave her be? She is the one hurt by all this, you are fine. Why do your needs need to be met before the person who is clearly hurt? Stop being so selfish. She's not a lunatic at all. The time she got mad about the sham, she was probably just upset over something else assinine you did and she just took it out there. Also if you break up with her, make it CLEAR you are breaking up. You clearly did not. I despise people like you. You give all of us men a bad name.

    Posted by Joe K July 22, 09 01:54 PM
  1. The LW was a Female???Rico is utterly confused and totally sorry he assumed this person was a guy...

    Rico admits he was wrong to assume and has this to add now that he knows the writer is a female:

    Rico still thinks this person (not going to use girl, female, woman, etc..) is totally emotionally UNintelligent. However, knowing the writer was female it only adds to the fire that is burning. Men are usually less intelligent when it comes to relationships than women so Rico is curious HOW DID YOU MISS THIS? Rico thinks there has to be more to this story but honestly doesn't want to know. Rico does wonder if Maria was playing for the other team when you hooked up and now Maria suddenly realizes she is into women and not men? OR was Maria always into women? These are the things that are missing here and probably contributed to her moodiness.

    Regardless of whether you were a man or a woman you were stupid and now you are being obnoxiously self centered. Rico still thinks your head belongs in the toilet on Auto-Flush.

    At least now we know there won't be any accidental little ones running around using big words they don't know the meaning of...which brings us back to that...Rico can now assume you actually were in an illicit affair so you did use the word right but unfortunately you didn't see it that way.

    Lots to catch up on? Like you started dating guys and are pregnant? Or you think you might have Herpes because a girl you knew 8 years ago that you almost kissed found out she has them? Rico still thinks you were wrong and need to apologize but she shouldn't return to be your friend.

    Stay tuned for the lifetime movie, 8ET, 10CT

    Love always,

    Rico

    ...no witty line here...

    Posted by Rico July 22, 09 01:54 PM
  1. Maria , Good riddance to bad rubbish.

    Posted by Get rid! July 22, 09 02:01 PM
  1. So I reread the post, and even Mer refers to the writer as "she". Mer's advice is sound (for female or male) although I would be a little firmer and say there's nearly zero chance of this working. I found it amusing that I missed the genders, as did almost all of the commenters. And #5 saying "That is so sexist" haha lol apparently The Dude was looking for sexism.

    Posted by BOSurmyhome July 22, 09 02:06 PM
  1. You can't go back to being immediately "best friends", and in fact you may never get the "old" Maria back. She's not the "old" Maria. She's the Maria of now, the one that was in love and is in love with you and that went psyho, the one whose heart you ripped out.

    I think you still love Maria and want her as a lover.

    Posted by YouAreAllMySons July 22, 09 02:09 PM
  1. Wow- what an a'bag!
    First, you didn't have the stones to be honest after your 'impulsive, dumb' sex and tell Maria a relationship wasn't a good idea. You knew it. You just didn't want to come across as a sleaze so you went along. Then, you fake break up with her right before she leaves town for 3 months. And finally, you get involved with one of her friends, 'casually mention' it to her and lament that you can't tell her all about it?! Wake up, buddy, YOU'RE the 'nut bag' and you really don't deserve to have a 'super cool best friend'.

    Posted by TNMisaSleaze July 22, 09 02:10 PM
  1. I was listening to this song, it goes like this, If I fall in love with you, you are already
    mine, if you fall in love with me, you already belong to me. Same goes with friendship.

    Posted by stephanie July 22, 09 02:18 PM
  1. Oops, I made an ASSumption about the gender of the LW, who is female. But it's good to know that the same dynamics - as in a heterosexual relationship - exist in lesbian relationships too.

    Meredith, my apologies for calling your comment sexist.

    Posted by The Dude July 22, 09 02:19 PM
  1. Okay, Uncle Mistral breaks it down.

    1. Maria *is* a nutjob, assuming the facts presented. Who goes nuts over pillow shams? It sounds as if the "coolness" was the lure, and once she had TNM, she started trying to dictate terms. So no more shopping for girlfriends at "Psychos-R-Us".

    2. "Ho-tel, mo-tel, Holiday Inn....if your girl's been acting up, then you take her friend". The "acquaintance" sounds more like a friend, and tapping her friend in the aftermath is a pretty big friendship violation. That’s 15 yards, plus loss of down.

    3. The narcissism charges aren't so off, either. She hast the hots for you, you pump her and dump her *and* take up with her “acquaintance”. So you want her, but only on your terms (i.e. friends, but w/the occasional, drunken Rumble, Tumble & Twist). I would not be surprised if she declined….of course, I wouldn’t be surprised if she stalked you, either from the description.

    Actually, there’s a whole lot of “wrong” on both sides, thus I can’t determine whether you guys should live in separate states, or if you deserve each other….

    Mistral

    Posted by Mistral July 22, 09 02:19 PM
  1. See, much sexier story now that that is clarified.

    Posted by Sally July 22, 09 02:22 PM
  1. LMAO # 39...Love it...Everyone has completely over-looked the importance of pillow shams...it involves so much more! Rico guy ~ I just love ya...Need these laughs. I wish Maria could read this! She'd never look back! TNM needs perspective and this sure as hell gave him a fair view.

    Posted by IHeartThisColumn July 22, 09 02:23 PM
  1. It's almost worst knowing the LW is a woman. She should have know things were never going to be the same between her and her best friend. I wonder if Maria was a lesbian before the hookup with her best friend?

    Posted by bgcomreader July 22, 09 02:24 PM
  1. I have to agree with the readers who think LW is a woman.
    Fortunately that means these two nut jobs aren't able to procreate with each other.

    DrK

    Posted by DrK July 22, 09 02:24 PM
  1. Yes - and everyone the Writer is a FEMALE....now it's a litttttle different...

    Posted by IHeartThisColumn July 22, 09 02:24 PM
  1. this guy is a little BIIIATCH

    Posted by HAHA July 22, 09 02:28 PM
  1. Pu-lease....I'd be willing to bet there was no pillow-sham incident. TNM is totally laying on the "my ex is a pyscho" angle so she'll come across as the injured party. Like she had no choice but to break it off or be in danger of having her bunny boiled.
    Why yes, TNM, you are totally in the clear here, and you have every right to expect Maria to fall at your feet, appreciate that you are willing to forgive her and have her listen to the gory details of your love affair with her friend. What a super best friend YOU ARE!!!

    Posted by PillowshamGate July 22, 09 02:33 PM
  1. #114: Agreed Indeed! But who would she write the "Forum Letter" to? Or do Sapphics read Penthouse too? Hey, why not...

    Posted by DudeGuyKidDudeGuy666 July 22, 09 02:34 PM
  1. I just want to know...Who got the Subaru and were the shams rainbow?

    Posted by valentino July 22, 09 02:35 PM
  1. I. Think. Hoss. Is. As. Stupid. As. A. Butt.

    Posted by John Stamos July 22, 09 02:37 PM
  1. #116: Good point! Seems like Maria just got her innocence stolen by this harpy, just like the sad HS Freshman girl who sleeps with the Senior QB and expects to get engaged. It sounds like TNM dragged Maria out of the closet, and now neither of them know what to do with themselves. Be careful what you wish for...

    Posted by DudeGuyKidDudeGuy666 July 22, 09 02:39 PM
  1. Consult a lawyer immediately. She cannot tell you to move out of the house even if you failed to tell her about the time you almost got herpes seven years ago. If that doesn't work, then go to a therapist. If that doesn't work then just print off Hoss's comment and sit down with Maria and read it aloud. Done and done.

    Posted by Bob Dwyer July 22, 09 02:39 PM
  1. Having been in Maria's shoes (at least in part), am glad to see that more readers do consider this person to be a complete ahole and a nascissistic pig! The person I fell for (my former best friend-who i hope is reading this blog and realizes what a prick they are/were!!!!) treated me really badly-to the extent that had the person they were with send me nasty messages to rub it in that they were with my friend and i was not! it really broke my heart and it will take a long time to get past all the hurt and the emotional pain. Of course, the sad part is that I get hurt and they can go about their life. But Maria should realize that this person does not deserve Maria or her friendship and in the long run would be so much better without them-I know it takes a lot of time to get to that realization but you have to give yourself whatever time it takes.............I can only emphathize with Maria having gone through something similar and all I can say is that I hope Karma does exist!

    Posted by been in Maria's shoes! July 22, 09 02:41 PM
  1. aaahhh... yesss.... I re-read the letter and yes, it does seem to be written by a woman. The first time around - I wondered at the language (super cool best friend?????), but didn't quite narrow in on the hunch. Makes more sense now... her needs for friendship with Maria... yep... makes sense. Still doesn't make it cool, but makes sense.

    Posted by chins July 22, 09 02:43 PM
  1. #125? Huh?

    Posted by What's Bob Dwyer smokin? July 22, 09 02:52 PM
  1. Do you know why female friends are super cool?...because they have no expectations. They don't expect nice dates, birthday presents, or anything sentimental. They let you off the hook for being a total dirt bag because, after all, she's not your girlfriend and doesn't give a goot. I doubt Maria turned into a "nut bag" when you were together. I bet she simply went from friend mode, to having expectations - what a freakin shame on her. She expected you to be something more than cool buddy. You just can't have both...a cool best friend who drinks cheap beer, has zero expectations, AND puts out when ever the mood strikes you. Maria probably expected you to go into boyfriend mode and you really didn't change. I don't she went full "nut bag" status. She probably just expected you to not be such an ass and you failed miserably - even proving your assenine-ness by dating her friend. Own it. You screwed this up, not her.

    Posted by anonymous July 22, 09 02:55 PM
  1. Hmm, I didn't think the LW was a woman, my first assumption was that he was gay. I had a similar thing happen to me in that I had a super cool best friend (a guy, and I'm a hetero female) and we slept together a couple of times. He backed off pretty quick. I didn't pursue (I wasn't in love) but yes, my feelings were hurt. We stayed in touch over the years and he is now in his 50's, never married and guess what...gay! Methinks that the LW is gay, who is trying not to be gay (not that there is anything wrong with that). But wow, to sleep with your best friend then go after her good friend....who is calling who the nutbag?

    Posted by J Bar July 22, 09 03:02 PM
  1. I have to admit that the part of the letter where Maria was described as "lashing out because I put her shams on the wrong pillows" intrigues me. Is this legit or is it a euphemism? Honestly, I'm not up on the latest alternative lifestyle slang and it does have my curiousity up.

    Funbags not doooooshbags!

    Posted by Hoss July 22, 09 03:02 PM
  1. Who cares? Are you gay? Why do you want to be friends with a chic?
    What gender are you? It's so hard to tell these days.

    Posted by Paul from Wellesley July 22, 09 03:08 PM
  1. Here is the chat transcript (6/30). LW = "Jule." So there you have it.
    Note that when she asked the question initially she did NOT "genuinely believe" they'd broken up!

    1:28 [Comment From Julie]
    In April, I drunkenly (and stupidly) slept with my best friend, and we tried to turn it into a romance but failed. It ended naturally when she took a temporary (3 month) job out of state. When she was leaving, she made it clear she didn't want to discuss what had happened between us, nor did she want to discuss anything that might happen with other people while she was gone. Well, she's been gone over a month, and I've started dating someone new -- someone she knows. It's becoming serious. At what point do I tell her? How do I strike a balance between her wishes not to be informed, and the fact she'll freak out if she returns to discover I'm in a serious relationship?
    1:29 Meredith: Wow. Julie. Ok. I think you might want to bring it up soon, assuming your best friend doesn't already know. And maybe say it casually -- and like you told us -- that you figure it won't be a problem, but that you want her to know from you. It may bring up some weird feelings, but it's bound to happen. Everyone else?

    Posted by Q97 July 22, 09 03:13 PM
  1. Hey Tequila, whether she's a nutbag or not, you were sending real mixed messages....and like some other people here, I've been in that position myself. The guy is into you, and suddenly he's not, and you never got the memo, the one that spells that out very clearly.

    I don't know if it's narcissism, or avoidance, or just bad communication skills that lead people to do this to one another.

    You need to have an up front conversation with this person- and if the friendship can be saved, great - if not, you've learned something? Take responsibility for your actions, or forgo a relationship totally

    And as her her nutbag behavior, I agree with Meredith. She is who she is.

    Posted by Ava July 22, 09 03:15 PM
  1. Just popped into my head-
    Is the LW the MBTA trolley driver who was text messaging a girlfriend and crashed the green line train recently?

    Posted by margaritaville July 22, 09 03:17 PM
  1. Well, at least we now know that Girl-Girl relationships are exactly like Boy-Girl ones. Well, except for what happens to that lucky Tequila bottle once it's empty!

    Posted by DudeGuyKidDudeGuy666 July 22, 09 03:22 PM
  1. Rico just read #133 (thanks to instant replay) and after reading it thinks even more that this "julie" is a total moron.

    Rico reads and thinks wow, what a liar, what a sleeze. Male or female or alien from another planet this is wrong on so many levels.

    She slept with a friends friend after sleepiong with her? It ended naturally after the romance failed? No mention here of her lunatic fringe behavior. What disorder does this Julie suffer from? There must be a pill for it right?

    Maybe she didn't want to discuss what happened because she still can't believe she had sex with another female since she never did that before and thinks you got her drunk, slipped some other drug in her drink and then took advantage of her. Now who sounds like the crazy one?

    Rico stands by his first thoughts of this person is a total A$$.

    Posted by Rico July 22, 09 03:30 PM
  1. #101 (Me) and #125 (Bob Dwyer) - OMG, I just burst out laughing in my cube...those are two of the funniest repsonses. Thank you for making my day brighter!!!

    And, I agree, the LW is def female - just goes to show you, you don't need a d*ck to be a d*ck.

    Posted by LuLuLemon July 22, 09 03:31 PM
  1. Agree with Rico ... this was Maria's first time with another woman. If TNM was a long-standing lesbian, then she was a moron to commit the cardinal lesbian sin: never sleep with a woman who is a first timer because they are ALWAYS clingy.

    Posted by Cling-free July 22, 09 03:45 PM
  1. the way maria overreacted indicates a nutbag indeed; i'm 100% on the side of Tequila here and feel that her behavior, along with the nice way Tequila went about trying to work things out, means that he's 0% at fault for any of this. He should probably consider finding new friends and cutting loose of her.

    Posted by FJ July 22, 09 03:46 PM
  1. the way maria overreacted indicates a nutbag indeed; i'm 100% on the side of Tequila here and feel that her behavior, along with the nice way Tequila went about trying to work things out, means that he's 0% at fault for any of this. He should probably consider finding new friends and cutting loose of her.

    Posted by FJ July 22, 09 03:46 PM
  1. I think LW is definitely a woman.

    Posted by barneythedog July 22, 09 03:48 PM
  1. #140 clearly you have never been in love with and/or been treated badly by someone who you considered to be your best friend. One does not treat one's best friend the way Tequilla treated Maria and not take any responsibility at all! It shows clear disrespect for Maria by Tequilla.

    Posted by Tequilla is a moron! July 22, 09 03:56 PM
  1. even if you had just dated this person originally and were never "best friends", when you sleep with someone for the first time, the dynamic of the relationship is forever altered. it becomes dating someone to "seeing someone" or "involved". dah. kiss it goodbye and move on. besides if she's that psycho, its a write off anyway. BTW, you both sound like total headcases.

    Posted by Whatever July 22, 09 04:09 PM
  1. You're a schmuck. You are an insensitive piece of dog sh**. Talk about total and utter lack of taking personal responsibility. You are a blight.

    You got drunk (translation: can't possibly be responsible), and slept with your "best friend". Inexplicably, she turns into a creature double feature, with you the utter innocent beaten down by a "hyper-critical lunatic nut bag". Then, right away, you start dating a mutual acquaintance. "Whaddid I do? Duh...what did I do?"

    "How do I make her realize that I forgive her for her behavior?" Please...What an arrogant a$$hole. You are not a friend, you never were. Friends don't treat each other like garbage.

    Keep your nut bag in your pants so there won't be another one of you being conceived. The world has enough crap in it. Poor little whiny victim. Wah Wha Wha.

    Posted by yupokay July 22, 09 04:14 PM
  1. Edward K. Murrow...if you are who I think you are...you shouldn't be giving advice here considering what you've done.........and if it is you...you know EXACTLY what I mean. Girls beware!!!!

    Posted by last laugh July 22, 09 04:18 PM
  1. What kind of tool refers to his GF as his "Paramour"?

    Posted by sean July 22, 09 04:18 PM
  1. I think reading the original chat transcript definitely puts things in more perspective. If Tequila had mentioned in this letter that “conversation during which she genuinely thought they broke up” consisted of Maria telling her that she wanted to forget what happened between them, everyone would probably have been much less harsh. Also mentioning that both Tequila and Maria were women raises the possibility that this could have been a really emotional experience for Maria – maybe she acted so crazy because she had never been in a relationship with a woman before, let alone a woman who used to be her best friend? All in all this just sounds like a very unfortunate situation. They should both cut their losses and move on.

    Posted by E July 22, 09 04:57 PM
  1. I am waiting for all the male bashers to either:

    1. Apologize for male bashings

    - or -

    2. Never post a comment again, because it is obvious they cannot offer anything here except for biased opinions

    Posted by art July 22, 09 05:24 PM
  1. "Paramour" is a perfectly acceptable word for a lover who is not illicit - although the lover can be. Both definitions are attested from about the same time, according to etymonline"

    "c.1300, noun use of adv. phrase par amour (c.1300) "passionately, with strong love or desire," from Anglo-Fr. par amour, from acc. of amor "love." Originally a term for Christ (by women) or the Virgin Mary (by men), it came to mean "darling, sweetheart" (c.1350) and "mistress, concubine, clandestine lover" (c.1386). "

    Posted by reindeergirl July 22, 09 05:52 PM
  1. Let's be honest: You miss the way Maria was when she had a thing for you. She was that way *because* she had a thing for you. Since time machines haven't been invented, however, you can't get that back. The old Maria will never return (to you).

    Be sensitive. If you miss Maria and want to be her friend (even as she is now, not as she was when she doted on you), then look at your own behavior and hope that she can forgive you too. Perhaps she was "nuts" because she realized that you weren't returning her affections? And perhaps you are underestimating how much you hurt her? Make a small gesture to be her friend again, but give her time. That's all you can do -- well that and stay away from tequilla.

    Posted by Michaela July 22, 09 06:48 PM
  1. I love Rico and all his responses!

    RICO I LOVE YOU!!! You make this advice column so much more interesting........... Meredith, if you ever go on vacation, you really should let Rico be the substitute while you're away....

    Posted by IloveRico July 22, 09 07:55 PM
  1. "My problem is that, when she returns from her work assignment in a couple of weeks, I would like to go back to being best friends." No, you've got a bigger problem - like that maybe you're as coocoo for cocoa puffs as she is. You did something that cost you a friend. Only time will tell how much of, if at all, a mistake it was. Chalk it up to experience and move along. And stop drinking loudmouth soup with hot acquaintances of the girl you are currently dating when she isn't around.

    I'm starting to only read these comments for Valentino's haiku. They're almost as funny as Rico telling someone else that he sounds like a pompous self involved A$$.

    Posted by Francis Soyer July 22, 09 08:06 PM
  1. Hmmm...It is apparent that few of those who are posting have actually had the experience of dating someone who turned out to be totally crazymaking in their relationship. Sorry, No More Tequila, you're not gonna get much good advice from this crowd, they don't know what it's like to have an incredibly demanding, possibly self-centered and narcissistic for whatever reasons, girlfriend.

    I'd say give up on expecting "maria" to be have the same relationship with you that you had before, because basically you don't. But if you're really interested in trying (for some reason) then give it time and patience. If it were me I'd say just move on but I really don't know you or maria so am unqualified to give you advice.

    Posted by jbl July 22, 09 08:09 PM
  1. I don't get the inference that both Tequila and Maria are women, but if they are it is interesting and adds a different twist. In my experience, the "sleeping with the best friend" thing" seems to be very common among lesbians. Apparently it is much more ok between women to do that than between hetero couples.

    Posted by jbl July 22, 09 08:13 PM
  1. Please immediately remove the offensive comment 136 by the moron and LOSER DudeGuyKidDudeGuy666. This guy is a SICK PERVERT. I agree with the post yesterday that you are the biggest loser on here. Moron.

    Posted by ThisGuyIsAMoron July 22, 09 11:19 PM
  1. I think you have crossed the point of no-return. In Maria's mind, you and her friend have betrayed her in the worst way.

    It is also posssible that Maria never intended to have you just as a friend and that Tequila night was no accident.

    You say she was hyper-critical lunatic. Is there a remote chance that this may get out of control? Is your new girl friend aware of your situation with Maria? If she "lashed out" when you put the shams onto the wrong pillows, I can't imagine what reaction you will get now that you put her friend onto the pillows.

    Posted by PointOfNoReturn July 22, 09 11:24 PM
  1. TNM...your a goofball...everything I want say has been said today..even the goofball part. There's worse things than being a goof..Certainly a lack of thought and a bit of selfishness has gotten you here with us today. For details re-read everything prior to my post. You may want to consider printing a hard copy of all the posts for future reference...it couldn't hurt... In Meredith's answer please note her last paragraph. Go read that again now...Should you persue that avenue don't do it for selfish reasons or to just fill a void you may be feeling. Consider Maria's feelings and do whats in her best interest as well, in the spirit of friendship. Give yourself lots of time to think about that. Apply that thought process in all your future dealing w/people and you'll be a better for it. That coming from a fellow goofball.....well to some degree...Give your friend plenty of space & let her decide.

    Oh yeah..may want to talk to Sally because without getting that pillow thing down your screwed for sure...She had a very good post..lol...GOOD NIGHT EVERYBODY!!

    Posted by JP July 23, 09 12:18 AM
  1. Brutal Truth: Super-cool best-friend Maria's gone. The best you can hope for at this point is Non-abusive somewhat-cordial Maria, but you won't see her until after a LONG break where she won't be constantly reminded of you.

    I believe the correct metaphor is that she just had her "Tequila moment". Let her go, and maybe if you're lucky in a year or so you'll run into each other in the street and decide it's water under the bridge.

    Posted by Atticus Black July 23, 09 07:51 AM
  1. You are an ASS. Wow, she isn't your best friend anymore? OMG you annoy me to no end. Maybe she was a little bitchy, but you were worse. You don't deserve to have her in your life. JERK.

    Posted by Chris July 23, 09 08:55 AM
  1. Dont bother with her. You have a girl so what do you want to do , upset your new girl? UNless your willing to bang both ( Which I think you should) then dont bother with Maria.

    Posted by peanut4649 July 23, 09 09:15 AM
  1. Rico wants to clarify one thing and then on to todays letter...hopefully:

    Rico wants everyone reading to understand that there was no Male Bashing. It was a pure case of people assuming it was a man because for the most part we live in a country of mainly heterosexuals. This was an easy assumption to make and although incorrect was not done because Rico and his friends/enemies/fans wanted to "male bash". Rico is a man and bashed the letter writer regardless of what gender. Go back and read each comment and just replace he with she, her with him etc... and guess what? Still the same answer except for the procreation comments.

    The LW after reading the transcript from an earlier conversation is coming off as a liar and a fool. Maybe if the writers and Meredith included would get all the facts and get them all straight it woudl be better for everyone involved.

    Now on to today...

    Love Rico

    Posted by Rico July 23, 09 09:16 AM
  1. Hi guys, I'm the letter writer. This has really made me realize how much of a jerk I was, and the role I played in the situation getting to where it is now. As of now, I'm planning to think it through a little more, then apologize profusely and leave the ball in her court... If she never wants to see me again, at least she'll know I appreciate that I hurt her.

    There is one thing I'd really like to clear up: I'm not dating her friend. They really are acquaintences -- they've only met twice. Also, it's not that I'm dying to tell Maria all about my new romance, it's that I think poor communication brought us to this messy point, that we definitely can't move forward as friends if I lie about or hide an important new relationship (not to mention such behavior could make it seem like I'm trying to be more than friends again), and that with all of our mutual friends there is no way she won't hear all about it anyway so better to be from me.

    Posted by TNM July 23, 09 10:27 AM
  1. #156, "ThisGuyIsAMoron" Thanks for the compliment!!! And congratulations for answering your own elementary posts under a different screename, that really takes dedication. And thanks for following the golden rule: "Never, Ever, feed a Gremlin after Midnight!!!".

    Posted by DudeGuyKidDudeGuy666 July 23, 09 10:35 AM
  1. I am glad to see that the letter writer is showing some sense of remorse. I wish someone who treated me similarly had. All I needed was a sincere apology and I am stupid that even now everyday I hope that I will someday! At the end you get back how you treat others so its good that the letter writer is planning on taking steps to at least let their best friend know that they realize they hurt them and offer an apology. Good for you! Even if this person is not your friend anymore, by apologizing at least you would be doing the right thing and they will respect you for that.

    Posted by hoping for an apology! July 23, 09 10:50 AM
  1. This girl Maria is emotionally unstable. Maybe you enjoy the excitement of a front row seat to a hand grenade launched your way with the pin removed. Right now, that's who Maria is by way of her behaviors. I suggest you not try to be Maria's friend because in the long run, she's going to continue to Blow Up. Lesson learned, move on. Don't look back.
    Inquire within yourself what "turns you on" about someone who is one screw short. Is it your need to "fix", be a social worker to someone who's not all together? Maria does not "own" you and she had no expectations of staying together while she was away. Double nut case.

    Posted by exvermonter July 23, 09 10:58 AM
  1. Rico thinks you should put your head in the toilet and have it set to 'auto-flush'. I concur. PS: I'm hoping that you are a hot female who might have the audacity to 'straighten' up. I like how you think...cause your head's already in the toilet.

    Posted by MaleChauvinistPigJr July 23, 09 11:04 AM
  1. game, set, match. friendship over. and btw, don't be surprised if the new girlfriend dumps you, especially if she is friends with Maria. We women have a way of watching our for each other........

    Posted by linda July 23, 09 11:06 AM
  1. Nice attempt at revisionist history, but here's the quote:

    "did you use a condom? Maybe that is why she got moody?
    Love always,
    Rico"


    Rico ought to stop posting 6 times per day and Rico needs to convince Rico that 70% of what Rico posts is biased or ignorant garbage. Less is more.

    Posted by Bob Sagat July 23, 09 11:06 AM
  1. TNM - nice work reading this hodge-podge of feedback with an open enough mind to glean from it some of what YOU can do. Too often as individuals (myself, though lots of painful experience, included), we look at situations and want to understand why someone else did something wrong or why they won't change, or what they could do differently. It takes effort and courage to look in the mirror and ask "Regardless of everything else, what can I do differently." Good luck. I may be pessimistic, at least in the short term, but I wish you well.

    Posted by Jeff July 23, 09 11:06 AM
  1. I see nothing in your post that would make you think she wants to continue a friendship with you.J Just the opposite, in fact. You cannot change her ways, her feelings or her actions or her reactions. Seems like time to move on.

    Posted by zack July 23, 09 11:36 AM
  1. TNM, if you really did in fact write #163 - today I'm tired of you. You got enough attention yesterday. And your #163 post shows that you still don't have a clue, you're beginning to sound like a soap opera. Also there are few comments from Rico that don't sound like Rico.

    Posted by Rose July 23, 09 11:40 AM
  1. OMG.....can we please BAN RICO FOREVER !!!! He's a waste of time, space, carbon and air.

    Posted by byubba July 23, 09 11:40 AM
  1. TNM, if you really did in fact write #163 - today I'm tired of you. You got enough attention yesterday. And your #163 post shows that you still don't have a clue, you're beginning to sound like a soap opera. Also there are few comments from Rico that don't sound like Rico.

    Posted by Rose July 23, 09 11:40 AM
  1. #164: I think the only thing more tedious on this board than Rico is DudeGuyKidwhatever. Yeah, I know: "OMG! You fell into my trap! Don't feed the gremlin!" Yawn.

    Posted by dude get a life July 23, 09 11:47 AM
  1. Hoss is funny lol... I think the writer needs to leave Maria alone. If you don't want her as your lover, why should she automatically accept you as her best friend, again? You hurt her very badly, and now you want everything to get back to normal just so you won't feel guilty about the whole thing. Get over yourself, please. You dont care about her as much as you think you do. You want to use her to fill that void inside you. one it is filled, you'll toss her aside like you did before, and then call her a nutbag on a public site. Then, you'll want to pick her up again once you've become empty again for whatever reason. Stooooooooppppppp!!!!!!!!!!!

    Posted by ida July 23, 09 12:14 PM
  1. Let me get this straight--Maria is a "hypercritical lunatic" and "nut bag" yet you want to be friends with her again? If I thought that about someone I had dated, I would steer clear of them, NOT try to be buddies with them again and invite more crap into my life.

    Get off the drama train and grow up.

    Posted by PM July 23, 09 12:29 PM
  1. #169 Bob Sagat: "Rico ought to stop posting 6 times per day and Rico needs to convince Rico that 70% of what Rico posts is biased or ignorant garbage. Less is more."

    PMP PMP!

    And valentino's **haiku** for president - President Poem. Poem as President.

    Posted by reindeergirl aka Mrs. Smidgens July 23, 09 12:41 PM
  1. Seems a little over the top with the comments about how crazy she is - what's that all about?

    If she's that crazy, why be friends with her? Does he think she'll welcome the new girl with open arms.

    Something doesn't add up here.

    Posted by CityCity July 23, 09 12:50 PM
  1. Seems a little over the top with the comments about how crazy she is - what's that all about?

    If she's that crazy, why be friends with her? Does he think she'll welcome the new girl with open arms.

    Something doesn't add up here.

    Posted by CityCity July 23, 09 12:53 PM
  1. calls her a nut bag but expects her to be best friends? what a complete a-hole!

    Posted by you are the nut bag not her July 23, 09 01:02 PM
  1. It's cool you came back to post that you were remorseful. No kidding! You're just acting like a typical guy. YOU WANT TO HAVE YOUR CAKE AND EAT IT TOO! Just learn from this and move on. But leave the poor girl Maria alone. No need to make her feel worse than she already does.

    Posted by Chris July 23, 09 01:12 PM
  1. Chris-you seem to have a good head on your shoulders. From someone who has been in Maria's shoes and got treated like shit by a guy "best friend." Haunts me every day. Never even got an apology and no sense of remorse!

    Posted by Been in Maria's shoes July 23, 09 01:24 PM
  1. #175... Yet you keep feeding me, you are such an enabler. Thanks for breakfast, it was tasty!!!

    Posted by DudeGuyKidDudeGuy666 July 23, 09 01:45 PM
  1. TNM...I second post #170. It must be extremely difficult to read these criticisms and take the good ones to heart and have the guts to think about what people said. I really admire that!

    Posted by emmj July 23, 09 01:50 PM
  1. Fantastic how many people got on the man-hating train on this one, and continue to do so. Read the info posted in the comments, and in Mer's other's letter. ALL 3 people in this little love triangle are female.

    Sorry, man-haters and assorted other sexists, this was girl-on-girl crime...

    Posted by Junior July 23, 09 03:12 PM
  1. I could use a new GF... can you email me her number?

    Posted by Lucky Duck July 23, 09 03:14 PM
  1. To #186, at the end of the day, the gender in this case is a moot point, it is how one person treated another and the bottom line is that TNMs behaviour was unacceptable and disrespectful regardless of whether this was a heterosexual relationship or a homosexual relationship.

    Posted by my two cents July 23, 09 03:17 PM
  1. LMAO, #101 (by 'Me')!

    Posted by Slash July 24, 09 11:59 AM
  1. #183...former emotionally unstable girl trying to not be so much of that anymore LOL...guys will run 4 the hills when you're like that...I feel you girl we've ALL been there...and if you haven't then you will be...sometimes MEN SUCK!

    Posted by Chris July 24, 09 02:11 PM
  1. Chalk this up to a learning experience, TNM. It's astonishing to me that you think you could sleep with her, have some sort of dating relationship with her that went badly, have a massive miscommunication about whether you were still dating or not and then have her discover that you're dating someone else, and think that your friendship could still continue. I don't think either of you is particularly at fault here or has done anything especially awful - you were insensitive and clueless, I'd say, and she was emotionally overwrought, not major sins - but nonetheless, irrevocable harm has been done to that pre-sex relationship you had. Close friendships typically cannot survive this kind of drama. Now you know.

    Posted by MelissaJane July 24, 09 03:17 PM
  1. I imagine Maria was only such a good friend because she had a crush on the LW. They will both have to adjust to reality.

    Posted by Mario July 24, 09 03:59 PM
  1. I think exvermonter # 166
    is having flasbacks to the time she watched Apoclypse Now at band camp

    "This girl maria is emotionally unstable. Maybe you enjoy the excitement of a front row seat to a handgrade launched your waywith the pin removed"


    Posted by mike in slem July 26, 09 01:02 AM
 
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Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.

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