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I want to sweep a lady off her feet

Posted by Meredith Goldstein  July 16, 2009 09:15 AM

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This letter is about little feminism, purses, and lunch on Tuesdays. Not in that order. Enjoy it while I go dig up my old Women's Studies papers.

Q: Dear Meredith,

I'm a 25 year old attorney who graduated from Suffolk Law last year and hopes to get into politics some day. Aside from my career aspirations I am desperately looking for a girl who I can sweep off her feet and live happily ever after. I mean, I have never had a problem finding pretty girls and have always been a sucker for intellectuals like myself. But what I have found repeatedly is that I always run into two types of women; the feminist types who hate being treated like a lady (hold doors, pay for dinner, walk on the outside of the curb, etc) and put their careers before anything or anyone else. Then there are the girls who use me because I have a good career and are only interested in what I can do for them (concerts, purses, jewelry, all within 3 weeks of the relationship) but never get emotionally attached.

I have always called myself a hopeless romantic because I believe that for all the money in the world it is only as good as the one you can share it with. More or less, I want to love and be loved. I want to take a walk, look at the stars, and get lost in the moment. I want to make a girl a romantic dinner and go out for ice cream. A girl who I can bring lunch to at work just because it's a Tuesday. A girl who likes it when little notes are left in her car and apartment – just to brighten her day.

Meredith, I don't consider myself clingy (40 hours work week + as a attorney) I am just someone who is looking for the real deal and not just a facade of love. You know?

Where are these girls, the ones who want to truly love and be loved? The ones who measures life not in minutes, money, or promotions but in moments? Is it that in the politically correct world we live in today is there finally no room for a hopeless romantic?

Sincerely,
Lost Without Love, Boston

A: LWL, you're a hopeless romantic? Really?

I assume you grew up watching romantic comedies. I blame romantic comedies for making people think they’re supposed to immediately sweep someone (or be swept) off their feet for no good reason.

I’m all for feet-sweeping, but that should be the second or third step in any good relationship. The first step is really getting to know someone as a peer.

My guess is that the women who aren’t letting you pay for their dinners (the dreaded feminists!) are put off by your approach. Your immediate push for romance seems disingenuous -- and I’m pretty sure it is.

My advice: When you meet a woman, really talk to her. No lines. No notes. Just real talk. Then, if you really like her -- and respect her --- you can take her for ice cream or whatever it is you want to do. Romance means so much more when you actually know the person you’re dating. It doesn't sound like you get far enough with these women to know whether there's any real connection.

And whatever you do, cut it out with the anti-feminist talk. It’s ridiculous. You say you want to find a woman who wants to be treated like a lady. Most women want to be treated like a human. Think about how you’d want to be treated and behave accordingly. Be a friend.

Perhaps dating a fellow lawyer would work. Salary and time spent at work would probably be equal. You’d be able to see through each other’s posturing. You’d have something real in common. Just a thought.

Readers? Are women no longer interested in kisses and ice cream and being swept of their footsies? Share your thoughts for our young lawyer here, because I’m sure you have plenty to say. Once again, I'm away from my desk a bit today, but the interns have promised to be speedy with the comment approval. Oh -- Twitter here.

-- Meredith

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373 comments so far...
  1. I fear that I speak only for myself, but women aren't interested in being called or thought of as "girls." Your use of that word demonstrates your lack of respect for women. And what's this "walk on the outside of the curb" thing? I've never heard of that.

    Posted by proudfeminist July 16, 09 09:48 AM
  1. Excellent advice Meredith! Lost indeed ... lost in the 50's is more like it. I cannot think of a single guy under 40 who uses the term "feminist," especially a lawyer (I'm a lawyer myself). I also note his frequent use of the word "girl." It seems that Lost has been so focused on himself that he has not seen the changes in the world around him. As a corollary to Meredith's advice, perhaps Lost should spend some time asking women questions about themselves instead of focusing on how they could please him.

    Posted by Wendy July 16, 09 09:52 AM
  1. You could stay in Boston and follow Meredith's advice. Or you could just move to the Deep South and keep your same approach; problem solved.

    Posted by Sean P July 16, 09 09:52 AM
  1. Seems to me that the attorney has already written a script for his romantic life, and is simply looking for a character who would play the role. Life doesn't work that way and when it comes to romance, the script is written spontaneously by the two (willing) co-writers. Mr. attorney is getting ahead of himself - I'd suggest he take up the practice of gardening to learn and engender the quality of patience.

    Posted by The Dude July 16, 09 09:53 AM
  1. you sound like a pretentious tool.

    Posted by drew July 16, 09 09:53 AM
  1. Dear LW, you sound a tad full of yourself and I wonder if it is coming across as arrogance to the ladies. Your approach, while well-intentioned, may be perceived as "let me hold the door/buy you treats/bring you lunch because you are a helpless female". That's just the feeling I get from the writing style. I agree with Meredith that you are pushing too hard too soon. The giveaway is your sentence "Then there are the girls who use me because I have a good career and are only interested in what I can do for them (concerts, purses, jewelry, all within 3 weeks of the relationship) but never get emotionally attached." How can they get attached in three weeks? If I was dating you and you flooded me with all this attention and presents that quickly I would run for the hills because you are coming across as desperate. Take Meredith's advice. Slow down, get to know the woman, have a give and take of ideas, take turns paying for meals, and above all, allow the woman to feel like an equal partner in the relationship, not a parasite to your good intentions. You have a lot on the ball, having graduated law school and passed the bar. You just need to relax a little and not bring the drive that took you through law school too much to bear on what should be a gentle, relaxed relationship.


    Posted by J Bar July 16, 09 09:54 AM
  1. oh pls... he wasnt calling a girl a girl to be rude. get over yourself.

    Posted by thats the kinda broad he is talking about July 16, 09 10:01 AM
  1. Awesome advice, Meredith. Decide if you want to be friends first.

    Posted by Mike July 16, 09 10:02 AM
  1. "Most women want to be treated like a human."

    Meredith hit it right on the nose! I think it's sweet you are a hopeless romantic, especially because you're a lawyer ;) However, I get the feeling that you are inadvertantly objectifying the women you date. You're objectifying them in a nice way, I suppose, but it's objectifying.

    A few months ago I went out on two dates with a man who was trying to be chivalrous and old school - he paid for our first date, told me I was beautiful, etc. It annoyed the daylights out of me. Why? Because instead of treating me like a person, he was treating me like a prize to be won. I'm sure some will blast me for being annoyed, but I don't want to be someone's prize as if I were a kewpie doll at the state fair. I want someone who sees me as a person.

    I've gone out with other men who were chivalrous - paid for dinner, etc. that were not annoying. They focused less on following a stereotypical formula for winning a woman over regardless of who she is as a person and focused more on getting to know me as a person.

    Posted by OK Cupid Fan July 16, 09 10:06 AM
  1. Gee, I thought M was kind of rough on this guy...

    Seriously, and don't date a fellow lawyer unles you've seen "Adam's Rib" too many times...

    You need to date an older woman. Case closed. Carry on...

    Posted by Amazed July 16, 09 10:09 AM
  1. Proudfeminist - "Walk on the outside of the curb" is an old etiquette rule that requires men to walk between the woman and the street when walking down the sidewalk. The idea is to protect her from any hazards from the street, e.g., slop being splashed up from the carriages going by.

    I, too, saw the reference to girls, but I let it pass since he uses "women" later on, and he's 25.

    Posted by OK Cupid Fan July 16, 09 10:11 AM
  1. I agree with Meredith's perspectives, and I have a couple of my own (50 year old, married father of six year old girl here, BTW): "intellectuals like myself;" keep writing/saying/thinking that, pal, and you're gonna have a lot of lonely nights. As Chuck Berry once sang, "If I'm a dignitary up on Capitol Hill, and I marry me a waitress from a hot dog grill/ It's my own business." Also, you sound like one pushy dude (paying for the entire meal early on, bad idea); you might be getting perceived as controlling. The fact that you use terms such as "feminist" gives me the vibe that you're not into independent women. I think that the outside of the curb thing had its heyday during the horse and buggy days, so most women nowadays won't even notice it.

    Posted by Jack Atkinson July 16, 09 10:11 AM
  1. Thats your problem bro. treat a girl for what they are for. take them out and sleep with them. Good luck trying to find a girl that is 1. good looking 2. funny 3. smart. They cant be all three. so just get the good looking one and do it by treating them like pooh.

    Posted by peanut4649 July 16, 09 10:13 AM
  1. It sounds like you want an intelligent, independent woman who also wants to be a stay-at-home wife and mom, whose main source of pleasure in life is being doted on by her successful husband. That's a lovely dream, but this woman is very, VERY unlikely to be found in real life. Because - women are people, too. Not one is going to fit the perfect image you have created in your mind. Yes, you can probably find one or the other - smart, successful, and independent OR living solely for your love. You sound like you're resentful of either type, but with your old-fashioned (and slightly mysogynstic) attitude, the ones who are going to be attracted to you are those who are looking to be the wife of a successful man, with all the perks that go with that. It looks to me like you're going to have to change your attitude and your standards if you want to really find LOVE with a woman who is open to loving and being loved by YOU.

    Posted by l'italiana July 16, 09 10:14 AM
  1. Woah. As a women's studies minor in college, this letter still has me swept off my feet. What lady wouldn't want to be treated this way? I hope to run into this guy soon. :)

    That said, I agree with Meredith about all of the showering of affection. Is it for real or is it for another purpose. I believe girls like to feel special (even the ones you label as feminist). But it might take a little more time and more gradual "sweep her off her feet" moments than all at once.

    Posted by K July 16, 09 10:14 AM
  1. wow. I'm not a feminist by any means, but I agree with Meredith - this guy does sound completely disingenuous. girls love to be swept off of their feet, but only if the man in question is completely sincere. most of us have been burned by believing romantic lines when there was no substance behind them, and we won't make that mistake again. girls love to be treated with chivalry and thoughtful surprises, but only when it's about them - not you. get over thinking only about yourself and focus on someone you really like for who they really are. do things that will make her happy, and she'll want to do the same for you.

    and for goodness sake, give the relationship time to grow and develop and BREATHE.

    Posted by Soo B. Vious July 16, 09 10:18 AM
  1. For once I think Meredith's advice is too harsh. My advice to the LW is to keep looking and being himself. Eventually he'll find a match that values what he has to offer, it just takes time.

    As for the walking on the outside of the curb thing - its ettiquette - the man should be closer to the curb with the woman safely on the inside. In some circles, a man walking with a woman on the curbside means that she's for rent and he'll be getting a cut of the profits.

    Posted by Monty July 16, 09 10:19 AM
  1. hmm, ladies behind all these comments, can we find a way to tear apart this man too? He DOES hold doors and pay for all the dates?! What a dog.

    #1 Guy walks on the outside of the curb to put himself between the lady and traffic.

    Posted by doubtful July 16, 09 10:19 AM
  1. I think you should first take a look at your own behavior before you start lumping the women you meet into two simplistic categories. Is it possible that YOUR behavior evokes a certain response in women? Do you make a big production out of the “lady treatment” or do you just subtlety do it? For example - are you actually saying things like “I will now walk on the outside of the curb for you” (which is kinda weird in and of itself, but whatever) or do you just move over to the other side? It really would be a turn-off if you’re making a big thing out of it and would have nothing to do with being a “feminist type”.
    As far as women who you say are trying to use you – how exactly are they getting concerts, purses and jewelry from you within 3 weeks of the relationship? Clearly you’re purchasing them and why you would do so when you want the relationship to be based on substance is beyond me. I have a friend who was dating a woman for about a month and wanted my advice on a gift to buy her. Now he does make a lot of money, but he sent me links to items on Coach, Louis Vuitton and Tiffany’s and my first question to him was what the hell was he doing (and then he admitted he had already bought her a laptop!). Yes, many women do enjoy these “things”, however if what you’re looking for is substance and meaning, I don’t think that’s the way you’re going to get it. You’re presenting yourself as a desperate pushover. And if the situation is that these women are asking you for these items that early on, how do they even know you can afford those kinds of things? Are you flashing the “I’m a big-time lawyer with lots of money” card around? Don’t get me wrong you should be proud of your work and accomplishments, but you should be more focused on showing someone who you are as a person and then finding out who they are.
    I think often times in life you get what you give – think about it.

    Posted by bumbly-bee July 16, 09 10:20 AM
  1. I am ALL for romanticism and being swept off my feet (who isn't...really), but is your desire to treat women with such kid-gloves and to have them not be as career-oriented symptomatic of some deeper beliefs/attitudes that may turn many women off? Romanticism, which is fundamentally just an outward display of a deep caring and appreciation of the other person, is not something that anyone would really turn away from, so it must be some other behavior or attitude you are exhibiting that is turning women off. Also, if you are constantly attracting the wrong 'types' of women, this really is on you, not the other women. Do you not expect your partner to be as career-oriented, driven or ambitious as your lawyer-self? If so, why the double-standard? If you want an 'old-fashioned' girl, maybe you should look at church and not at the local bar.

    Posted by bornandbredinboston July 16, 09 10:22 AM
  1. Where can I meet this guy? I'd like to go for a walk with him and grab some ice cream somewhere.

    Posted by More than friends July 16, 09 10:23 AM
  1. One more thing - you say you have no problem "finding pretty girls and have always been a sucker for intellectuals..." Are those the only criteria you're using? If so, then the odds are greater that you're objectifying the women you date. Yes, I want my boyfriend to think I'm pretty and smart (and he does!), but I also want him to like my sense of humor, see the world in the same or similar way I see it, have the same values, etc. I don't want someone to date me just because I'm pretty and smart. I want him to date me for me.

    Think about this way - do you like it when the women date you just for the free dinners, purses, etc.? No? You don't like someone dating you just for your money? Well, truly secure women don't want to be dated just because they're pretty.

    Posted by OK Cupid Fan July 16, 09 10:24 AM
  1. You know what the most romantic thing you can do for a woman is? Listen to her. Amazingly, it will also help you follow Meredith's excellent advice of getting to know her better. We do often want to get swept off our feet, etc, but we want it to be for the right reasons--because the guy loves us for who we are, as unique individuals, and not because we are the most willing prop for his romantic hero fantasy. At 35, you will be expected to pay for dinner. At 25, when the women you are dating are just getting their footing as independent adults and take rightful pride in their ability to support themselves, it's threatening and can feel dismissive of the identity they are working so hard to build. Also a reason you need to quit the anti-feminist crap. Girls sometimes say they're not feminists, and what they mean is "don't be afraid of me, please." It's sad, but that's their right. When boys say it it's just insulting.

    Posted by Mariah Carey July 16, 09 10:26 AM
  1. I don't mine being called a girl or on of the ladies or such. But i am also very confident in myself and work in a mostly male profession, (transportation). I definitely agree with Meridith. I think girls, or women, would respond much better if you take your time with it, go slow, and let them know you don't do this to all the ladies, women, girls or what have you. It means a lot more if you do it because of the person she is, instead of just because of her gender.
    On a side note, the walking on the outside of a curb is a little outdated, considering we dont through out bathroom buckets out the window anymore.... depending on what neightborhood you are walking through.

    Posted by Anonymous July 16, 09 10:26 AM
  1. 40 hours a week? Maybe you should focus on getting a real job.

    Posted by Skeptic July 16, 09 10:28 AM
  1. They guy asks a simple question and gets bashed. There are great things about feminism but that is the ugly side.

    Posted by Brian July 16, 09 10:28 AM
  1. oh brother....I feel for this guy. He was trying to be honest/sincere and is going to get roasted for using the dreaded F word. God speed my friend.

    Posted by SoxSupporter July 16, 09 10:29 AM
  1. I have to say there seems to be a little 'creep' factor in your letter, Lost. The thought of you sneaking into my apartment to leave love notes or showing up at my office unexpectedly makes me think "restraining order" not "romance". Your tone seems patronizing calling women 'girls' and stereotyping all women in a Freudianesque Madonna-Whore complex. The third type of women in the world that you haven't met (since all of the women you know fit into 2 categories), most likely picked up on that, too. It sounds like you want an obedient pet to whom you can give treats, scratch behind the ears and feed lunch on Tuesdays when the whim strikes. Obviously, your 'intellectual equals' don't want to be treated like chattel and opt to pay for their own meals, lest they owe you their first born in exchange for the Happy meal. And your comment on liking intellectuals like you-get over yourself! No one is impressed that you are an attorney- except for you. Boston is a city of very well educated people. There are more doctors and lawyers per square foot here than mosquitoes. It really sounds like you want someone to stroke your ego and make grilled cheese on demand. I suggest some self reflection and a reality check. You are young and there may still be hope.

    Posted by Babe-o-licious Harvard Doc July 16, 09 10:29 AM
  1. LWL,
    Please get your head out of the clouds.
    The first thing you need to understand is that women are mainly attracted to guys who are 6 ft tall, fit, and have a little bit of 'bad-boy' attitude.
    You are sensitive and financially stable. Great attributes, but not what most women really want.
    Second thing is you need to lose the suit and wear some jeans (not designer) and start riding a Harley. The girls will seemingly appear out of nowhere. Believe me.

    DrK

    Posted by DrK July 16, 09 10:29 AM
  1. Chicks dig it when you call them 'broads' or 'dames'. Works like a charm.

    Posted by Dick Whitman July 16, 09 10:29 AM
  1. First thing to remember... everyone is different. Some girls may like you holding doors, paying for dinners, and your overall chivalrous attitude, but some may not. It is a personal preference.

    For me, and I would bet a lot of other women feel the same, is that chivalry is dead. It is 2009. Women are more independent than ever and are proud of it! Hold a door open for me, but please don't go out of your way to do it; I am capable of doing it myself. Pay for our dates once in a while, but not all the time; I am capable of contributing. And by the way, I walk down the street without you and manage to keep myself safe just fine! This is NOT feminism, this is reality. We are not objects that serve no purpose other than your viewing pleasure; we like to feel like we can contribute equally.

    I think the key for you is moderation. Do those sweet things. Bring me lunch on Tuesday but please please please don't bring it every Tuesday. When you do these things all the time you either A) drive a women to the point she is annoyed with you or B) make a women expect these things from you and take them for granted. These things are all nice when done once in a while because they are exciting to us. But when you do it all the time, it becomes more routine and well, boring!

    Every girl wants to be truly loved, every girl wants to live in the moment but not with someone who is suffocating and over the top so I suggest you take it down a notch.

    Posted by Kathleen July 16, 09 10:30 AM
  1. Maybe if you weren't so full of yourself women might be more attracted to you (note I used the word WOMEN) and in this town I wouldn't brag too loudly about being a graduate of Suffolk.

    Posted by OTC July 16, 09 10:31 AM
  1. ProudFem - How have you not heard of this Curb business. I am a young 20's male and i have heard of it! It so when the MBTA bus, or the elderly crashes or a car hits a puddle along your walk - the man takes the hit as best he can - or at least that's my understanding of it/how i play it out.

    Also - about "girls" word. As a male i have been corrected once QUITE rudely by a Simmons College WOMAN. it kind of stuck - i respect the use of the word Woman - but to be fair, LWL is in mid 20's (like I) and in OUR generation, it would be rare to be talking about the WOMAN i took on a date last night. makes her sound much older. So i respectfully disagree with you there but i DO see your point.

    LWL - i agree with the Expert about your situation - give it time, don't be the "perfect romantic" guy at 1st - get to know these women - maybe your approach is coming on too quickly. Best of Luck!

    Posted by Mike July 16, 09 10:31 AM
  1. Proudfeminist, "girls" or "women" use the term "boys" when talking about men all the time. Please dont use a double standard.

    Posted by Matt July 16, 09 10:32 AM
  1. I think the writer should fire up the Delorean and take a little trip to the Deep South circa 1953. Wait for the next lightning storm and then make a run down Concord Ave in Cambridge (those overhead lines that power the buses thereabouts are going to help you in your quest for pre-modern era romance). Keep a close eye on the heavens and when you see a lightning bolt heading towards you, make sure the car's antenna comes into contact with the overhead electric lines so that the car gets the requisite 1.21 gigawatts to transport you back to the era in which your dream girl resides. Good luck!

    Posted by fairlee76 July 16, 09 10:32 AM
  1. The real questions are: why do you want to behave this way, and why a woman [and to feed your stereotypical view of the world, "what types of women"] would want you to.

    Good Luck, my man. Write back in 4 years when you decide what you really want is "a hooker with a heart of gold," or something equally as trite.

    Posted by Rich July 16, 09 10:32 AM
  1. Meredith is right - try treating women like humans first! Get to know them before becoming all “romantic”. You need to find out if you like and can relate to a woman before you try to woo her. You are TOTALLY using the wrong approach.

    I am two years older than you (so I am pretty much one of your peers) and I am a feminist. I am intelligent, well educated, have a great job and don't have any problems supporting myself. However, I DO have a very romantic and old-fashioned boyfriend (he holds doors and elevators, pays for dinner, etc) who would probably be the breadwinner if we were to ever get married. I love and am loved and we share special moments and do nice things for each other. (I actually mail him cards quite a bit to remind him how I feel - kind of random/cheesy but similar to your leaving little notes situation).

    We got to know each other before we started dating. He treats me like an equal (because I am). He is my friend, and that is why we work. We talk about anything and everything, from history to culture to why “Love Letters” is an essential part of my work day…

    I honestly think YOU are the issue, not all of these “girls”. Why are you buying women purses and jewelry within three weeks of meeting them? You are offering way too much up front. You are giving the wrong signals and as a result attracting materialistic young ladies who will use you.

    By the way, some of those materialistic women you are dating consider themselves feminists. They clearly have the upper hand in relationships such as those you find yourself in and have learned how to manipulate men to get what they want. Maybe you aren’t as smart as you think you are?

    Also, I feel like you are trying to be someone you aren’t. I have a hard time believing you are a BSD (big swinging d*ck) at age 25 - you must have JUST graduated from law school! You aren’t a big fish in a small pond yet, buddy.

    Posted by Tricia July 16, 09 10:33 AM
  1. Proudfeminist I think that you do only speak for yourself, being a female I don't mind when a male calls me a "girl" because after all, that's what I am and I often refer to me as "boys" and they frequently do this themselves "going out with the boys" and so on. If you truly have never hear of "walking on the outside of the curb" then you live under a rock, it's where the man is supposed to walk when walking down the street with a female, this is so that if a car were to splash something up from the road it hits them and not the woman or "girl" that they are with, it's chivalry, which apparently is dead. I don't think the writer is being ingenuous, how do we ask men to tell us what they want, they do and then we tell them that they aren't being truthful. All he is saying is that he wants a woman that wants to be treated well and loved and what woman wouldn' t want that? He's probably a "nice guy" and they finish dead last! I'm sure there are plenty of woman out there that want the same thing just stop looking for it with the "superficial woman" and you know who they are and go for the "normal" every day types, you'll probably find her there. Good Luck.

    Posted by Nice Girl July 16, 09 10:33 AM
  1. how come hoes don't be likin called girlz???

    Posted by proudchauvanist July 16, 09 10:35 AM
  1. Here's what you do:

    Put an ad in craigslist asking for a NSA romantic liaison. Be specific about your physical type and desire that the woman be adventurous and uninhibited. Then have a crazy, depraved one-nighter with every girl who answers the ad.

    In other words: man up and act like a 20-something YO guy and not an old lady, you schmuck. The ball and chain will come soon enough so you gotta play NOW while you can.

    Posted by Don Juan From Lynn July 16, 09 10:35 AM
  1. I assume he's saying girls because he's 25 years old. i'm 25 years old and most of my friends still refer to one another as "boys and girls"...which has never phased me. I think i like it better that way, because i'm sure like many other people my age, we are not ready to grow up and be adults yet.

    Posted by still think i'm a girl July 16, 09 10:36 AM
  1. For LWL to even have to consider whether or not he is clingy is suspicious. Sounds to me that he doesn't have a good group of guy friends and therefore puts all of his social aspirations in the lap of the current object of his affection.

    Posted by Dudesgotnofriends July 16, 09 10:37 AM
  1. what a creep this dude is! listen buddy, if you're only working 40 hours a week your first year out of law school, you aren't that successful, so get over yourself. there's a million other guys in boston your age who are more successful than you. and stop it with the attorney talk, no one wants to hear it. maybe these girls just aren't that into you, because every girl in the world wants to be treated like a lady by the right guy. i think your best option is to go meet someone on craigslist and spell out that you are looking for the type of girl who wants to get swept off her feet. surely you will have success there.

    Posted by Donald July 16, 09 10:37 AM
  1. Wow, this letter sends up my red flags bigtime. I am sure I've met this guy, and he wasn't interested in getting to know the "real me" at all - just his vision of me. And he was so pushy, way too soon... the whole persona was really off-putting.

    Posted by twicefivemiles July 16, 09 10:37 AM
  1. Walking on the outside of the curb shows the woman that the guy will be willing to take a car or bike that jumps the curb and careens into them. Thus he will be the one to get injured or killed and not the woman (didn't know that girl was considered disrespectful.)

    Posted by algernon July 16, 09 10:37 AM
  1. Romance doesn't exist anymore. In this cynical world, the women you're meeting are looking at your checkbook and checking credit scores. My only advice is to alter the social circles in which you are looking for dates. Professional (ie laywers, business, etc.) women are not as apt to make decisions based on their heart....they are colder than that. I would explore those that are involved in education (can't be so absorbed with $$ as a teacher), nursing or other "caring" fields. It's not that women don't want to be "swept" off their feet, it's just that you are looking in a peer group that those people are an extreme minority.

    Posted by Will July 16, 09 10:37 AM
  1. I'm a feminist and I love it when men hold doors and, especially walk on the outside of the curb (a remnant from the time streets were muddy and men were protecting women from having their hoop skirts splashed). But Meredith is dead on -- this LW is not looking for a real relationship with a real human being, but some kind of romantic fantasy into which he can plug a pretty little doll. He means well, I'm sure. But he has ALOT of growing up to do.

    Posted by lisalisa July 16, 09 10:38 AM
  1. It seems like you're looking for someone who is emotionally stable and comfortable in her skin. The best place for finding someone like that? Talk to your friends, especially women. Chances are they have a sister/girlfriend/coworker that might fit the bill, but the key is to meet in a non-dating situation. I think you're diving in too fast and it's turning some of these women off...

    Posted by mz July 16, 09 10:39 AM
  1. Wow do I ever agree with Meredith! I'm always put off by people of BOTH genders who are so hung up on "romancing" that they don't even stop to think do they really LOVE the person they are pulling out all the stops for?

    I remember reading something online recently about a women who was getting into online dating, and she said she connected with some guy and hadn't even so much as spoken to him, and was all psyched up for their first date. She was absolutely CRUSHED when before that first date in an email he told her we wasn't up for anything other than making new friends. She lamented how disappointed she was because she was "all ready for romance." SHE HADN'T EVEN MET THE GUY AND SHE WAS DEVASTATED! I finished that one shaking my head, that's for sure.

    As a woman, I am not at all put off by romantic gestures when they are part of true attraction and interest. I am, however, put off by them when they clearly are just from some guy playing a role he thinks he has to play, regardless of whether or not any real FEELINGS are there.

    When the right feelings are there, it all falls into place. This guy is trying way too hard. What he should be doing is meeting all kinds of women without sizing them up immediately for their romantic potential. Find out who you're truly attracted to compared to those you just like as friends and those you don't like at all. And from there, let nature take its course.

    And I've learned that it's not so much that women want to be treated like porceline princess dolls (I know I don't.) That's a fantasy when you're otherwise being abused, be it emotionally or physically. As long as I'm not being abused (that's where I draw the line,) I don't care if you get me 5000 roses or none. If being near you makes me happy, and we can lean on each other for emotional support/comfort, and long for each other's physical presence, that's really, truly all I need.

    Posted by Bee Bee July 16, 09 10:39 AM
  1. I agree 100% with Meredith. I don't think there's a girl (or woman) out there who wouldn't want to be loved in the way that you describe you want to love someone. However, all girls want to feel special -- and if you come on ridiculously strong (especially at the beginning), the girls you're dating may feel that you're playing a game. Girls are protective of their hearts, and as confusing as it is, we want to feel secure that you like us for who we really are as opposed to just a means to the end of "true love." We're willing to wait to be spoiled as long as we feel you're taking the time to connect on a real life level. Once that happens, and sense of comfort is established, go for the sweeping romantic gestures!

    Posted by Rebes July 16, 09 10:39 AM
  1. this letter creeps me out. I'll open my own darned door and hold it for you while you pass thru it. I'm independent, self supporting and will only marry someone who is my best friend and who I have much in common with. You've been reading or watching too many romantic stories. If you left little notes on my car, I'd start running as fast as I could away from you. And yah, we get it that you're a lawyer. (oops, I mean attorney). You sound hopelessly immature. Grow up & act like a real man! And don't call me 'girl' EVER!

    Posted by Rose July 16, 09 10:41 AM
  1. LWL, You’ve got a lot of problems, not the least of which is you’re a lawyer and proud of it. I don’t have time to make a list of all the things that make me want to kick you in the face with my new really cute wedge sandals I got on vacation last week (strappy, great toe cleavage). You need to stop believing your own bull***t. You’re not a hopeless romantic. Three seconds after coitus, you’ll be snoring. Three months after the wedding you’ll be slamming your home-office door with your foot while she pukes her pregnant guts out. Three years from now, you’ll be on the links applying SPF 40 to your shiny bald head while she’s scheduling her elective c-section. Ten years and three months, you’re going to have to get in front of the cameras and explain those dirty little texts to innocent young White House pages. Is this hopeless romance? No. It’s utter denial. It’s utter D-bagdom. Suffolk U? Suffolk U too.

    Posted by Sally July 16, 09 10:41 AM
  1. Meredith has hit it spot on. I've had men treat me like you're describing - it's great once you know the man, but full blast from the very start comes off as desperate and creepy.

    Ease off a bit, get to know a woman as friends first, keep being respectful of her as a fellow human being, and then start (SLOWLY!) with your ideas of romance. Honestly, it sounds lovely, once it's been well established that you're not a wacko.

    Posted by neabob July 16, 09 10:42 AM
  1. Be a friend ? my foot ! it never worked for me atleast.A few months ago, when I broke up with him, I never even wanted to talk to him.
    A peer.BS! you don't want to be swept for no good reason but you want MOMENTS which could sweep you? lwl is confused, more wine anyone ?

    Posted by fatima July 16, 09 10:42 AM
  1. Also, you said yourself you are desperate. What an awful vibe to give! No wonder you aren't meeting the right women.

    Posted by Tricia July 16, 09 10:42 AM
  1. THANK you, Meredith! I also didn't appreciate the anti-feminist talk. I've never even met feminists like the ones this guy is describing (I consider holding the door open for someone, anyone, a common courtesy, regardless of either person's sex). It's these sorts of beliefs and stereotypes that make "feminism" a dirty word.

    As always, your advice is pretty spot on. I think that in general, this letter-writer's biggest problems are his very, very unrealistic expectations of romance and relationships, and his very damaging ideas about women. Your advice to treat women as humans? Exactly.

    proudfeminist (me, too!), I completely agree that the use of the term "girls" is inappropriate, rude, and disrespectful. This man is 25, so I assume he's interested in women, not girls. And the curb thing is when a hetero-couple walks down the street and the man walks closer to the curb and street with the woman closer to the shops/whatever is on the other side of the sidewalk. The purpose of this, I suppose, is to perhaps protect women from cars, mud, or dust or something. As we all know, women TOTALLY need to be protected and adore any man who would leap to that. Obviously.

    Posted by sabend July 16, 09 10:43 AM
  1. I promise you, PROMISE YOU, as a 20 something female living in Boston now - some of us are DYING to find a guy like you. I PROMISE.

    Posted by One of us July 16, 09 10:43 AM
  1. My boyfriend does the "walk on the outside of the curb" thing (so in case a car was to jump it, he'd be hit first - a stretch, but still sweet) - and I let him, DESPITE being a feminist.

    I think, like Meredith says, you need to leave the silly feminism bashing out of this. As a proud feminist, I like sweet things and romance, but my boyfriend understands and appreciates my independence, and that I like to contribute equally financially, etc. And, especially if you like ambitious woman, I have a feeling you will run into a lot of women that are feminists, even if they're hesitant to identify as such. You should be excited to you find a woman like this! We are strong, smart, sweet, funny and looking for real love as well! Give it a chance.

    Posted by Another Proud Feminist!!!!!!!! July 16, 09 10:43 AM
  1. It is hard now a day to find that special someone. Just don't give up. When you meet that someone, take time to really get to know that person. Sometime first impression is not always the greatest. I would like to find a guy who could sweep me off my feet too. Just give it time and your special lady will come. :-)

    Posted by Emma July 16, 09 10:43 AM
  1. Meredith has got it right on with her answer. Your ideas do sound too much like a movie premise. I consider myself a feminist, but I love romantic men and I think most people, when they really like someone, do too. But your idea of romance is immature and superficial. You do need to stay away from the users, but you might find that there are many intelligent and romantic women if you get over your preconceived dichotomy about the types of women there are.
    Also, women who are smart do put their careers before anything else when they are 25, just like men do, because if they don't, they get left behind. And then what will they do when Mr. Romance leaves them at 45 with the 3 kids so he can be with his new soul mate?

    Posted by JB July 16, 09 10:43 AM
  1. Yikes. This letter is kind of horrifying. I agree with Meredith for the most part. It seems like this person is enamored by the idea of being a heroic, romantic figure. It also sounds like he makes pretty quick judgments about the women he's been involved with - it's ridiculous to categorize all women as "crazy feminist" or "money-grubbing." Please.

    "Most women want to be treated like a human." This is perfect, and the ultimate point. Stop forcing your idealized expectations onto all of the women you meet, and just try to be kind and let things progress. My boyfriend and I exchange silly notes and surprise one another, and even hold hands walking down the street, but we have respect and genuine affection for one another that makes it work.

    Posted by be_joyful July 16, 09 10:43 AM
  1. I think it's sweet you want to treat a woman like a lady, Heaven knows there's plenty of us out there who believe that life is like a Disney movie, and we just need a handsome prince to fell hopelessly in love with us, turn us into a princess, and make us never doubt ourselves or anyone else ever again...

    The problem is, guys like you want to be are a needle in a haystack, and when we find one its too good to be true, and we're so scared of messing it up, or so doubtful we truly found the right thing we end it. ...and end up messing it up anyways.

    Posted by vlnplyr2 July 16, 09 10:44 AM
  1. Blaming who now ? blame game YOURSELF ! if a good reason does not exist for many things like having a baby, not cutting a cord of 9 yr relationships, I do not see why a good reason should exist for sweeping one?

    Posted by anti-feminist July 16, 09 10:44 AM
  1. I know what you are looking for. A smart, pretty woman that looks good on your arm when you walk to the podium on election day who can hold her own in a conversation but who will put your needs and career first. Then, when the romance you so crave has died down and you have an affair because she's not meeting your needs, she'll stand bravely at the podium next to you when you face the press and make a statement that she loves you and supports you through this difficult time. Listen to Meredith - she has the key to romance. It's called friendship, respect and equality. The romance thing right out of the starting gate is a big turn off - it's smothering and creepy. You are right to run from the women who seem to want material things, just as the women you date are right to run from someone who has an antiquated version of what it means to be a "lady."

    Posted by Cordelia Potter July 16, 09 10:45 AM
  1. Your ambition and goals are great, and you seem more mature than others in your age group. However, I think women in their 20's are not looking to settle down just yet, and most want the time to explore, travel and have fun before making that next step. Don't treat a women as you think it should be, treat her for who she is, who she wants to be, on an individual basis and you will find you get a lot further. Good Luck.

    Posted by babs July 16, 09 10:45 AM
  1. Proudfeminist,
    It's when a couple walks outside on or near a busy street, the man is "supposed to" walk on the outside. This theoretically makes the street less of a danger to the lady he's with (since anything would have to go through him first).

    And give the guy a break with the use of the word girls. He's 25 and been sheltered in higher schools of ed a long time. College girls is a standard term and he hasn't been gone that long.

    Posted by Jake Karnak July 16, 09 10:46 AM
  1. next letter please , tuesdays ? 'Dith and interns still on pinot pinot? can I taste it too in LL-mixer ?
    daphne, suddenly I see, Juno smiled , possibility idk


    Posted by puja July 16, 09 10:47 AM
  1. #1 -
    If only you spoke for yourself! Unfortunately I've had encounters with other "women" who have taken undue offense at the term "girl". As in "Hi girls! What's up?" leading to "Who are you calling 'girls'?" What's wrong with being a "girl"??? I'm 29 and I have no problem being called a "boy", or hanging out w/ the boys, or being called a guy, or whatever. In fact the GIRL I'm dating now calls me her "boy" all the time, never bothered me a bit, and I call her a girl or whatever without causing any huge gender war issues. With all the effort that women spend to try and stay looking young you'd think they wouldn't mind a youthful term like "girl". But maybe I'm crazy . . . . nah.

    And, I think one of the most important lessons to a happy life is to not take offense when offense is not intended. Let innocent comments roll off your back and I promise your days will be happier.

    Posted by icpshootyz July 16, 09 10:47 AM
  1. I disagree with proudfeminist. I think that the problem of being called or thought of as a "girl" is in your own head. Based on his description of the females that he has dated and based on the fact that he says he is 25, Lost With Love, is probably dating females who are younger than he. I think its fair game to label a female under the age of 25 as a girl. And to be fair, a male under 25 is probably also not a man yet. In fact, the "girls" LWL has dated could be "boy" crazy, which is why they are not ready to commit to a relationship longer than 3 weeks.

    Posted by proudrealist July 16, 09 10:47 AM
  1. Ban Rico !!!!!!
    oh...and the hopeless romantic.....there are women out there for you. You need to look in the right places. Meet people through friends, etc not bars, clubs. maybe a good activity club like biking, hiking etc. couple of things however seem weird here....a hard working attorney is not 40+ hours a week one year out of law school...more like 60/80+ hours per week. As for what Mer says.....same idea. don't come on gang busters. let it happen naturally, if you force it people will be defensive out of the gate that you may be a controller. your well intentioned romantic stuff could be taken as clingy, demanding etc. Just let it happen.

    Posted by byubba July 16, 09 10:47 AM
  1. Poe,
    didn't say any? Boston 'dame may be a go getter,spoke first in public but shy ?
    go with the flow,Life is full of choices.

    Posted by daphne July 16, 09 10:48 AM
  1. The walk on the outside of the curb is something parents do for their child and I suppose could be considered chivalrous. The idea being that if a car were to lose control and come up onto the curb the person walking closest to the road would be more likely to be struck. It's about providing security.

    Posted by Walk this way... July 16, 09 10:49 AM
  1. Hoss,
    after bc walk in the park book, happens to be suffocating, rest in suffolk , dig up fellow , walk back hahaha

    Posted by fellow July 16, 09 10:51 AM
  1. And this is why chivalry is dead ladies/girls/women/feminists/men-who-identify-as-women, you won't even give him a chance, this poor sap is probably sincere. Maybe a nice guy deserves a little effort on the talking part from the woman. Luckily I learned not to be as much of a pushover as this guy, its just not worth it.

    Posted by JT July 16, 09 10:51 AM
  1. I like ice cream.

    Posted by IScreamForIceCream July 16, 09 10:51 AM
  1. Oh bother - women, girl, whatever! Most PEOPLE want to love and be loved. Hang in there and I am sure you will be able to find the right one. You are only 25 - most guys at your age are still out there playing the game. Just by wanting to find the real thing puts you ahead of the pack. Gook luck!

    Posted by -M July 16, 09 10:53 AM
  1. As a fellow lawyer and a suffolk law grad, your description of yourself still gives me the heebies.

    Merideth nailed this one 100%. Being a feminist doesn't make you not want to be treated nicely. Being creeped out by an obviously insincere show is common to all women. You are probably so concerned about making these big romantic displays that you have forgotten to actually show real concern and interest in your date.

    Your letter (and specifically the comment about careers first) makes me think there is more implied that you don't want to say out loud because you know everyone will call you a cad. Are you really looking for a girl you can sweep up who will drop everything in her life for you and stay home and have your babies and cook you nice dinners?

    Posted by Q97 July 16, 09 10:54 AM
  1. "sucker for intellectuals like myself".....Cant imagine why he can;t find anyone. Just find a floor length mirror and exercise to strengthen your right hand.....cause your gonna need it.

    Posted by fzappa July 16, 09 10:55 AM
  1. I seems like what you want a woman you can take care of (open the door for her, buy her dinner, defend her from the dangers of the curb). Now the problem is most intelligent women want to able to take care of themselves, and those that don't will want you for what you can give them (they may see this as how well you take care of them). I agree with Meredith that maybe you are trying to sweep too fast (at least for the more independent women). We don't hate being treated like a lady we hate being treated like we can't do anything for ourselves. Yes we are fine if you hold the door but if you do it everytime its going to get old. How women want to swept off their feet these days is we want you to get to know us and then figure out something that is special/surprising to us.

    Posted by independent_woman July 16, 09 10:56 AM
  1. Before I read Mer's advice, my thought was "is 20 too young for you?"

    My feelings: I want to be treated as an equal, but I would love to be swept off my feet. I hate the feminist stigma that says we despise romance. That being said, I like be treated to dinner, but I hate the male paying ALL the time. I feel guilty that he has to spend all that money when I enjoy going out with him and would be willing to spend money on him as well.

    As for the romantic things, notes, kisses, etc. Personally, I would LOVE that, but I think that a lot of women have grown to expect a lack of gushy, lovey-dovey actions from men. Prove them wrong! I think many would be receptive. I think Mer's advice about holding off on the cutesy things for a little is a good idea. At least wait until you are sure she feels the same, otherwise you may scare her off. Wanted to be treated as human is also spot-on. Not a lot of women think of themselves as "girly" and "lady-like", although I don't think anyone would be upset about you holding a door.

    In conclusion, I agree with Mer but I must add that there are still plenty of romantics in the world, myself included.


    Posted by summa! baby bumma! July 16, 09 10:56 AM
  1. Awww... too cute. I Love love you letter. You will find that one special lady, and she will be great. Just keep up that attitude. Stay the heck away from the gold diggers!!!!!!!
    Ps: Don't listen to Proudfeminist. She sounds like the moron : )

    Posted by ida July 16, 09 10:57 AM
  1. The "walk on the outside of the curb" refers to something parents will/should do with their children and I suppose it could be considered chivalrous. The idea is that by walking nearer to the road the parent is protecting the child in the case that a car jumps the curb.

    Posted by Walk this way... July 16, 09 10:59 AM
  1. Dude, forget it, you are about 50 years too late and those days are a distant memory. Yes, you have only two choices: Bitter Feminists or Gold Diggers. And either way, regardless of status, all women "Want it Both Ways"; meaning either one you choose, they will have some fickle notion that they "Can Have it all" which will cause you nothing but headaches. Dude, listen, you are a Lawyer, use it to your advantage, you posess the most two powerful aphrodisiacs (ie Money & Power); you should be using that to fornicate far-and-wide like it is the end of the world, then after having fun settle down in 5 years when you are bored and need to sustain the bloodline.

    Posted by DudeGuyKidDudeGuy666 July 16, 09 11:00 AM
  1. Trust me there are still girls out there that want to be swept off their feet. I myself am one of them. All girls are different. My best friend hates romantic gestures, yet her last few boyfriends used to surprise her with flowers "just because", leave little I'm thinking of you notes, and plan weekend activities that they knew she would like. My last few boyfriends, were more interested in drinking beer and playing video games then romancing me. I agree with Meredith that movies set our expectations high, but that doesn't mean that we can't all find our own version of movie magic too. Maybe you are coming on too strong at first. I know that the few times I have actually been romanced I've been hesitant because I am waiting for the rug to get pulled out from beneath me...and it typically does. Try varying up your routine and meeting girls in a new way, then you might meet a different type or girl. Start off with small gestures (which can be just as romantic as the large ones) and save truly romantic stuff for when you know a girl is worth it and likes you for you! Good luck with your search!

    Posted by Also a hopeless romantic July 16, 09 11:00 AM
  1. I think the problem isn't with the "girls" its with the expectations. Romance starts when both people are in love; and love on the first dates is rare...
    Women do not fit in both groups this 25 year old lawyer likes to put us in..and if he is dating "girls" then he is probably in danger of breaking certain laws.
    Spend less time on legal pursuits and spend some time learning and observing more about the opposite sex. You are not ready for romance.

    Posted by ninja45 July 16, 09 11:00 AM
  1. Lost, you can date me anytime, but fair warning, my eggs are past their expiration date!
    I recommend you think of your female dating partners as women. I think romance has become a lost art, the wooing, courting, sexual tension. Now it's Friends w/ benefits, hooking up, only a sexual transaction. How shallow! Romance allows two people to peel back the layers of the onion and allow their feelings to develop over time.
    I have spent my lifetime dating, looking for romance in a relationship and have yet to find it. Somehow I have not given up that it's possible with the right person and neither should you. Go easy on the gift giving and fancy dinners. Try a picnic dinner on the Esplanade with candles, there's so many ways to create romance
    without spending a ton of money on someone. If that's all the women you date expect, then keep looking and don't give up hope.

    Posted by exvermonter July 16, 09 11:01 AM
  1. Walking on the outside of the curb is so that if there is splatter from the street, or a vehicle goes wildly out of control, the guy takes the hit.

    Posted by eireanch July 16, 09 11:01 AM
  1. Here's where the "outside of the curb" thing originated. A gentleman would walk on the outside to shield his companion from splashes from passing vehicles (still pertinent today) as well as the possible backsplash from the offal being tossed out into the gutter from upstairs windows (we hope this no longer pertains!).

    Posted by Jacobus57 July 16, 09 11:02 AM
  1. "and have always been a sucker for intellectuals like myself"

    Try to be a little bit more humble.

    Posted by M July 16, 09 11:04 AM
  1. Seriously, dude...lose the "girl" talk. Unless you are a boy, which you are not. Yeah, it's just a word, but it has meaning, especially in this part of the country. Trust me, I sympathize, but "it is what it is" to quote the coach.

    That said, listen - you sound like a decent enough guy - but you need to vary your approach if you are wooing an intelligent woman in Boston. She's looking for an emotional connection first and foremost, but that connection cannot compromise her fierce independent streak. She is looking for an equal.

    You mention that you have no trouble with the gold digger type. That's because your approach - all romantic, gifts, birds singing - fits that type of person.

    This approach CAN work with a woman with brains, but you need to be more subtle about it. For example, pay for dinner - but if it's clear that she's uncomfortable, just say that she can get it next time. Unless she is really militant, she's going to appreciate it.

    Trust me - all the women folk can talk a good game about not wanting the man to pay, etc. But nearly always underneath, they all desire it and wish it.

    But you have to be more cat than dog about it - let them think it's no big deal - which really it isn't - I mean, who really cares who pays.

    The other thing, as Meredith said, is to get to know the person first. The intellectual woman is looking at your character. That's where the attraction will take root.

    So take-home message: Go on being your chivalrous self, but don't make it such a big friggin' deal. It's just what you do, not what you are duty-bound by gender to do, if that makes sense.

    Finally, I would mention that your desire to simply find someone to sweep off of feet fits with your lawyer phenotype of type-A, getting all the pieces lined up, executing the plan, etc.

    You really need to take a step back and chill - probably really difficult for you to do, but you can't force these things. Have a little patience both with the goal setting and when meeting your next date. Stop thinking of her as the next step in perfecting your plan for world domination and I bet things will go better.

    Posted by Bob July 16, 09 11:04 AM
  1. Big sigh. Can't the guy want to romance a girl and not be labeled disingenuous? What is so wrong with that? I feel for this guy. Why? Because many women doubt any man who is romantic. They do it, like I did, because of bad past experiences with sleezes who pretend to be romantic, but don't really mean it.
    But real romantic men do exist. They do all of the things above and mean it because they were raised that way and they are gentlemen. It's called courting, and it's a lost art. These are the same guys who help old ladies across the street, give their seat to pregnant ladies and help moms with groceries at the store. I know. I am married to one. And there is nothing disingenuous about it.

    Posted by astrongromanticgirl July 16, 09 11:05 AM
  1. Here is what i think LWL meant to say. I am looking for a woman who will be so in love for me she will cook, clean do that laundry and the dishes, clean the house, have dinner ready and then take care of "business" before bed. Well LWL you better find and old school Italian or your in trouble.

    Posted by steven July 16, 09 11:05 AM
  1. This guy should either grow up and stop thinking that just because he is an "attorney" that he is god's gift to women who want to be swept of their feet or he should just date himself because I suspect he is the only one who is as impressed with himself as he is. "Girls", steer clear of this type!

    Posted by Frequent reader. July 16, 09 11:06 AM
  1. LWL--let me set you up with my sister--sounds like you two would be a great match!

    Posted by D July 16, 09 11:06 AM
  1. Girl might be off but evidently your the exact type that he runs into. What's wrong with him paying for a dinner or just opening door???? Most women actually find it thoughtful. Or. Just. Plain. Nice. Good luck to you.

    Posted by schlocko July 16, 09 11:07 AM
  1. You sound amazing. Very sweet. A girl would be lucky to end up with you. My advice don't look so hard. Sometimes the right person is right under your nose and you don't even know. Slow things down when you meet a girl dont be in such a hurry to fall in love. I am pulling for you!

    Posted by BR July 16, 09 11:07 AM
  1. Girl might be off but evidently your the exact type that he runs into. What's wrong with him paying for a dinner or just opening door???? Most women actually find it thoughtful. Or. Just. Plain. Nice. Good luck to you.

    Posted by schlocko July 16, 09 11:08 AM
  1. wow...I haven't heard the term "walk on the outside of the curb" for a long time. This guy has the right idea but alot of women are not used to being treated that gallantly that a guy would purposely walk on the outside of the curb closest to the street in order to protect her. Good luck in your search LWL. It will happen when you least expect it; in other words, maybe not try soo hard.

    Posted by dontgetit July 16, 09 11:08 AM
  1. I'd say that's an individual preference women may have, #1. I work with a number of ladies that actually get annoyed when I call them women, rather than girls. But then I call any women my age or younger girls, and anyone older women. And the idea of walking on the curb is to prevent getting splashed by puddles as they're driven through/getting clipped by side mirrors/blah blah blah... like taking the aisle seat on an airplane so the cart doesn't whack your co-traveller (Thanks Wedding Singer!).

    As for the LW, I would agree with Meredith. You're most likely not going to meet someone, immediately click, and prance down to an ice cream social. If you do, hey, great, congratulations. But if not, then you have to find someone that you can go out with a few times. Talk. Do things socially with friends(yours AND hers) or just between the two of you. And then once you're sure she actually likes you, then you can try unleashing whatever romantic stuff you feel like. Otherwise you'll just look disingenuous.

    Posted by Adam July 16, 09 11:08 AM
  1. Most important and shortest sentence in all of Meredith's response: "Be a friend."

    Posted by InGreatMarriage July 16, 09 11:09 AM
  1. giving your date a bad review ? ' Dith is all with you on this one. read more of her than old women's studies crap
    how to get a date with 'Dith ? can I send in a LL letter?

    Posted by Digging date 'Dith July 16, 09 11:09 AM
  1. Dear Boston, I will bite, but only because I'm a hopeless romantic and I'm already married so this is just a bit of honest advice from someone who can relate. Oh, and I get the whole walk on the outside of the curb thing, because my college boyfriend did it. It's so the 'woman' (not girl) is protected from puddle splashing or dangers lurking. My husabd doesn't even walk beside me when crossing the road, I could get hit by a bus and I swear he might not notice. However, it is a bit MUCH to make a woman feel incapable. II'm not entirely sure I believe you on all points, but if you are genuine then maybe lay off on the Intense Romance for the beginning. A woman likes a little challenge and chase as well, expecially if you like the intellectual types who can think for themselves. I one dated a nice guy who gushed and smothered me with presents but it was too sticky sweet and became a turn off. A little friction keeps it hot. The right woman is out there, be patient, continue to be kind and maybe watch the movie Hitch (even if its corny)...it will guide you to knock it off with the slobbering and maybe learn a gentler less obvious side of romance.

    Posted by England July 16, 09 11:09 AM
  1. Walk outside the curb dates back to when people threw dirty water out the window, so gentlemen would walk on the edge where they would be more apt to be splashed, protecting the woman. Nowadays some men translate this to urban speak to protection from cars (e.g. spraying water going through a puddle).

    What does your desire to get into politics have to do with anything? Are you trying to find the "perfect" wife for politics? I'm just curious because I see no point to adding that piece of information in your letter.

    Do you tell people what you do or how much you earn first thing? Date people after you've become friends? Seek out those with similiar leisure interests? You're finding those who want security/toys rather than you, so I wonder how you meet these women and what you're saying to them. I'm 2nd year associate working in biglaw myself, in my late twenties, and neither I nor any of my friends has this problem so I suspect its self-created. Look elsewhere to meet and live reasonably, including on dates. Keep the romance alive through non-material ways.

    Posted by 2nd year associate July 16, 09 11:09 AM
  1. Walk outside the curb dates back to when people threw dirty water out the window, so gentlemen would walk on the edge where they would be more apt to be splashed, protecting the woman. Nowadays some men translate this to urban speak to protection from cars (e.g. spraying water going through a puddle).

    What does your desire to get into politics have to do with anything? Are you trying to find the "perfect" wife for politics? I'm just curious because I see no point to adding that piece of information in your letter.

    Do you tell people what you do or how much you earn first thing? Date people after you've become friends? Seek out those with similiar leisure interests? You're finding those who want security/toys rather than you, so I wonder how you meet these women and what you're saying to them. I'm 2nd year associate working in biglaw myself, in my late twenties, and neither I nor any of my friends has this problem so I suspect its self-created. Look elsewhere to meet and live reasonably, including on dates. Keep the romance alive through non-material ways.

    Posted by 2nd year associate July 16, 09 11:10 AM
  1. No offense, but this letter left me shaking my head and checking the calendar to see if it was April 1st. Before I share any advice, let me just say this, it’s okay if you are gay! It’s 2009. You can succeed professionally and politically while living an alternative lifestyle. You don’t need to have instant wife and family for company picnics and/or campaign posters. You don’t need a beard. Be yourself and stop studying 1950’s documentaries, romance novels, chick flicks, back-dated issues of Cosmo, and Lifetime network, in a desperate attempt to figure out what you think women want.

    That being said, if you are not desperately trying to pretend you’re into chicks, and I highly doubt it, then I guess my advice would be:

    1. Stop trying so hard

    2. Calm down

    3. Slow down

    4. Be humble

    5. Be yourself

    6. Calm down even more. You're coming across as kind of creepy.

    That’s all the time we’ve got for today.

    p.s. Again, I think you like dudes. Not that there's anything wrong with that....

    - Hoss

    Posted by Hoss July 16, 09 11:10 AM
  1. I am kind of torn when I read this because I do like the idea of someone being really cute and sweet but only if it is genuine and not because they think it is how every guy and girl should act when dating. i think its important to have a balance between romance and reality. i like getting little notes and being taken out for fancy dinners once in a while, but they loose their authenticity when it is an everyday occurrence. i think your heart is in the right place and i do not think you are trying to devalue women by saying we all need to be swept off our feet, it just seems you have a very idealistic view on how relationships and love should happen. and believe me there are MANY girls out there who eat the over the top romance stuff up because they also think that is how true love should work. just take meredith's advice and start off slow, getting to know the girl as a friend, then ease into the hardcore romantic stuff so it will be more natural and genuine.

    Posted by ilovewhenmyBFtakesmeoutforicecream!!:) July 16, 09 11:11 AM
  1. I agree with Meredith--it sounds like you are using a "one size fits all" approach here, and that you don't get to know the person you are dating well before you embark on these "romantic" gestures.
    The truth is that what it romantic for one person is not romantic for another. Some women like flowers or unexpected notes on their cars, some could care less. For some, taking over a chore while she puts her feet up is romantic! It's knowing what she likes and what means something to her. And that is not a formula, it's a process.of figuring it out. It sounds like you are just getting ahead of yourself.

    Posted by Kathleen July 16, 09 11:12 AM
  1. LWL - you forgot to write that you also like long hand-holding walks on the beach. You on the water side of course, so you can protect the little lady from the waves.

    Posted by Rose July 16, 09 11:12 AM
  1. While Meredith may be correct in her suggestion that your approach is off, that's a separate issue. Your complaint-- that women in this city are either career-driven and not interested in male relationships, or only want to bag a man for his ability to support them financially-- is generally correct, especially for women in their mid- to late-20s. By their mid-30s they snap out of it, but you're stuck for a long while.

    Try moving out of Boston. Women are much nicer in DC or even New York, for example. It's hopeless here.

    Posted by Joey July 16, 09 11:13 AM
  1. Please don't change! Chivalry is not dead! I'm more of the old school traditionalist where I want a guy to walk on the outside of the curb and opens the car door for me and waits until I get into my apartment to make sure I am safe and not attacked. Btw, to the proudfeminist, the guy walks on outside of the curb to protect you from being hit by a car or from a splash of water from a puddle when a car drives by you. I do agree with Meredith in that you should take your time getting to know the girl and too much romance upfront might give the girl the wrong signal that you are needy or weak even though you are not. There are girls that are independent, intelligent, with good jobs that want the chivalry and romance. We are out there! It just takes time to find us and look for us in the right places. Not the bars where you will find most girls looking for a guy to buy them drinks all night long. What are your hobbies and activities that you like to do? Join clubs that involve these activities and you will find someone with those interests as well. Good luck!

    Posted by wantschivalry July 16, 09 11:14 AM
  1. Dear LW, you sound a tad full of yourself and I wonder if it is coming across as arrogance to the ladies. Your approach, while well-intentioned, may be perceived as "let me hold the door/buy you treats/bring you lunch because you are a helpless female". That's just the feeling I get from the writing style. I agree with Meredith that you are pushing too hard too soon. The giveaway is your sentence "Then there are the girls who use me because I have a good career and are only interested in what I can do for them (concerts, purses, jewelry, all within 3 weeks of the relationship) but never get emotionally attached." How can they get attached in three weeks? If I was dating you and you flooded me with all this attention and presents that quickly I would run for the hills because you are coming across as desperate. Take Meredith's advice. Slow down, get to know the woman, have a give and take of ideas, take turns paying for meals, and above all, allow the woman to feel like an equal partner in the relationship, not a parasite to your good intentions. You have a lot on the ball, having graduated law school and passed the bar. You just need to relax a little and not bring the drive that took you through law school too much to bear on what should be a gentle, relaxed relationship.


    Posted by J Bar July 16, 09 11:15 AM
  1. I am a middle aged male and am floored that a 25 year old male law school grad is referring to women as "girls".
    On the other hand, women today are looking for cash. Forget ice cream, looking at the stars, and grilled chees sandwiches.

    Posted by Bustoff July 16, 09 11:15 AM
  1. Oh--one more thing. These feminist types don't like you using manners or treating for dinner? That seems odd. Everyone wants a person to be polite and considerate. I think you are meeting individuals that have some hang-ups. Keep looking!

    Posted by Kathleen July 16, 09 11:15 AM
  1. It sounds like Meredith is right on with the advice to chill out at the beginning. There will be plenty of time for "sweeping" later on in the relationship when it will count and matter more to both of you. Most relationships fall apart because it is either "phony" at the beginning with all of the romance and chivalry - or all full of lust and passion and then it fizzles out to be nothing extraordinary. I wanted it all in my twenties - ALL of it came ot me when I was 32 - he had everything on my list and then some. We met and married 4 months later - and now, almost 7 years later - we have 2 kids and both have careers that we are proud of and sustain us - intellectually. Chill out with the automatic romance for all - some don't deserve it - some don't get it - save it for someone that earns the very best from you.

    Posted by Still_letting_it_work_itself July 16, 09 11:16 AM
  1. Dude....you're 25! You should not even be looking for the right girl/woman until you're nearing 30. Relax...have fun.....stay single. You'll regret it if you don't.

    Posted by Bill July 16, 09 11:18 AM
  1. Aww...I think Meredith was a bit harsh here. I think his intentions are good enough and deep down what woman wouldn't want to be swept off her feet? Don't listen to the cynics. I say just keep looking until you find that girl who's eyes light up when she sees you. Then the romance will just come naturally.

    Posted by proudoptimist July 16, 09 11:19 AM
  1. Dear LW, you sound a tad full of yourself and I wonder if it is coming across as arrogance to the ladies. Your approach, while well-intentioned, may be perceived as "let me hold the door/buy you treats/bring you lunch because you are a helpless female". That's just the feeling I get from the writing style. I agree with Meredith that you are pushing too hard too soon. The giveaway is your sentence "Then there are the girls who use me because I have a good career and are only interested in what I can do for them (concerts, purses, jewelry, all within 3 weeks of the relationship) but never get emotionally attached." How can they get attached in three weeks? If I was dating you and you flooded me with all this attention and presents that quickly I would run for the hills because you are coming across as desperate. Take Meredith's advice. Slow down, get to know the woman, have a give and take of ideas, take turns paying for meals, and above all, allow the woman to feel like an equal partner in the relationship, not a parasite to your good intentions. You have a lot on the ball, having graduated law school and passed the bar. You just need to relax a little and not bring the drive that took you through law school too much to bear on what should be a gentle, relaxed relationship.


    Posted by J Bar July 16, 09 11:19 AM
  1. FYI in America, a gentleman walks between a lady and the curb. This was the custom in the past to prevent mud being slung onto her garment, today it is to prevent her from getting drenched by fools driving through puddles. In Europe a gentleman walks on the inside, since in the past fools would throw out their trash into the streets without looking.

    Posted by Dfritz July 16, 09 11:20 AM
  1. Oh, I LOVE the "walk on the outside of the curb" thing. Well, actually I love a guy who is well-versed in tradition and chivalry that he even knows what it is.
    Proudfeminist, it comes from the days of horse slop and mud in the streets, and possibly earlier, from when folks used to empty their chamberpots out the window into the street. If the man waled on the curb side, he was protecting the woman from any unfortunate splashes.
    That said, I have a deaf ear, so I always try to stand so that my companion is on the side of my good ear, which can cause a bit of jostling on the sidewalk. But *that* speaks to Meredith's point that maybe the OP should be more focused on getting to know his dates as people first, and as objects of chivalry second. Chivalry is about being attentive to the woman and her needs, not simply about playing roles or following rules.
    LWL, your intentions sound good, but your presenting them in a way that might catch you some flack on here. Please be assured that there are many of us out here who love to be treated like a lady, as long as first we are respected as equals.

    Posted by nutella14 July 16, 09 11:20 AM
  1. I think you sound like you're an incredible guy. Chivalry seems to be lost on most of the men in today's society and it's sad. My best friend and I read this over and cannot believe men like you still exist. We're hoping that more men like you start to show up because there are other girls like us out there who will wait and hold out for nothing but the best.

    Posted by nothing but the best July 16, 09 11:21 AM
  1. You should do all those "polite" things for your dates as a matter of course, not as the focus of the evening. And if the gal holds the door for you because she is the fist one to it, good god just say thank you and go through. It sounds like the women you say "hate" this are not uber feminists, but are likely put off by your obsequious gestures. No woman wants a guy she just met fawning over her like an idiot. Be polite, but don't force your idea of a "lady" on her. It really sounds like you are looking for some not-so-bright arm candy, not an actual partner. With a partner you may even have to let her career take first chair occasionally, too. I'm not sure you are willing to do that.

    And, you sound needey. Total turn off. If you were really the nicest guy ever you would have woment lining up.

    Posted by all July 16, 09 11:21 AM
  1. I concur. Romance for the sake of romance is just going through the motions. And no one wants to feel that they are just a fill-in. True romance and love take tome to grow so spend time getting to know the women you're talking about. You never know, there may be something more below the surface of nerves, first impressions, posturing and other false images that appear often when you first date someone. And as a woman who has spent some time dating online and off, please, please don't be that guy who describes/talks about "walking on the outside of the curb" and opening doors. Just do it. Don't make a big deal out of it or it seems like you're just trying to impress a woman when you meet her (I've had doors opened in the beginning - long enough to secure a second or 5th date with me but then that so-called "chivalry" died a fast death). The best thing you can ever do (the best thing any of us can ever do) is just be real, be ourselves and then do all the things you want to do for your beloved - when it comes natural, it's the best thing on earth.

    Posted by RealRomance July 16, 09 11:22 AM
  1. That letter made me want to spew, I'm not going to lie. I'm sure you have good intentions, but you're probably creeping people out. Concentrate on meeting women and having fun, let the romance build gradually.

    Posted by sickbag July 16, 09 11:22 AM
  1. Walking on the outside of the curb is old school. In a good way. It’s a way of protecting a woman from the street. Cars, water splashes, etc. It is a nice, manly gesture. Clint Eastwood would do this for his lady.

    What more men are realizing is - DATE OLDER WOMEN.
    Their mature, take care of themselves and have substance. The women you say are using you for what you can do for them, ie: buy them purses, concerts tickets, jewlery etc. are just girls who haven’t grown up and had the experience of DEPENDING ON THEMSELVES. They have consumed their 20’s and early 30’s with worrying about a guy and his life and not theirs! These girls are the ones who are desperate to get married and have babies. They pressure the guy to do both of these things and then they realize they married just because she wanted to keep up with the Jones’s.

    Older women have observed this in all their married friends who are miserable in their marriage, have cheating husbands or are already divorced. That’s why they are single! They are smart and not desperate. They want companionship. Someone to hang out with, get to know, have fun and see if a relationship blossoms. If it doesn’t, they won’t freak out on you because they are able to take care of themselves and move on. Mature in all ways or immature in most ways? It’s your choice!

    Posted by Ashton & Demi July 16, 09 11:24 AM
  1. It seems that you are threatened by a woman who is capably independent. Why would holding doors and splitting a check bother you? Does it somehow negate your status and/or manhood to let a smart, nice woman take care of YOU in small romantic ways?

    You seem to want a woman who you can fawn over. A dress-up doll who will never challenge your primacy in the relationship. Guess what - these women will buy your shallow overtures and accept your material goods, but offer nothing in return.

    “I am just someone who is looking for the real deal and not just a facade of love.” Riiiight buddy. Pretty much everything you describe in your message is a façade. Mature relationships are not (all) about ice cream and notes. They are about partnerships.

    Get over yourself – you have flaws and personality quirks. So does every single woman that you ever will meet. How about actually getting to know someone as an equal and approaching a relationship from a position of respect?

    Posted by you need a reality check July 16, 09 11:25 AM
  1. god forbid you date a woman who puts their career before anything else! The right person will come along when you least expect it. Stop trying to so hard.

    Posted by topher July 16, 09 11:25 AM
  1. Rico is feeling sorry for you right now...not in a toally bad way though...

    Here it is what Rico is thinking:

    You are Rico when Rico was your age. You were brought up in a caring household that taught you to be a man (HUMAN BEING) with respect for not only women but all mankind. Meredith is taking it the wrong way when you use anti-feminist talk but Rico forgives her for that. She doesn't know you like Rico does. :) Sorry, Rico is getting carried away a little but he does feel like he knows you.

    Rico suggests you try a few things. #1 Rico thinks telling these women/girls that you are an attorney is probably something you may want to keep to yourself till you date them a few times. Just say you work in the city as a professional and went to Suffolk for school. No need to tell them you are an attorney making big money if in fact you are? Rico also suggests getting out at lunch to the gym, the park or after work to a gym or going to different types of charity events. You'll need to be careful as there are money grubbing people and fakes everywhere but you know the drill. Rico also thinks a hobby outside of work is great like tennis, biking, running where you can meet others is a great way to network socially rather than professionally. Dating other attorneys is fine but think out of the box and don't be afraid of set-ups as long as they are properly prescreened.

    Rico applauds you being in your 20's and thinking of being a romantic, Rico watched his grandparents holding hands til their 80's when they passed and has fond memories of how they treated each other. It wasn't the movies, it was real life. MEREDITH IS WRONG!!! Rico also saw how his parents acted and Rico's wife appreciates the way he treats her and their child. Rico's child will not settle for less, Rico promises that much. If Rico's daughter were old enough you would be the type of guy Rico would allow :) to date her.

    Rico wants you to know that there is hope but some women need time to get used to be treated with respect (Doors opened, inside sidewalk, etc...) since they were not brought up in that same mold as you or Rico. don't give up but don't be to anxious either or desperate, your Cinderella will show up when you least expect it, she did for Rico and she will for you.

    Good luck and tell Rico your thoughts and maybe Rico can help further?

    Love always and big hugs,

    Rico

    Romance not Rudeness

    Posted by Rico July 16, 09 11:26 AM
  1. I consider myself a feminist and I like be treated well; I don't think the two are mutually exclusive. I think the step you are forgetting, as Meredith points out, is building the relationship. You need to also like someone, not just love them. Relationships are hard work too - LW seems to have forgotten that and is looking for a fantasy. It comes off superficial.

    As for the curb thing (poster #1), I had a male friend in HS who always insisted on walking on the outside of the curb - he said in case a car hit us, he'd get hit first. That's where I believe it comes from.

    Posted by Trish July 16, 09 11:27 AM
  1. I hate to break it to you bub, times are changing.

    I am a 25 year old female, who doesn't represent either of the categories that you placed us "girls" into. I do not feel like any of my friends and myself included are feminists or money grubbing hoes. We are real honest girls who are looking for an equal partner, and yes to be swept off of our feet! We aren't looking to be coddled and smothered though, and definitely not looking for a guy that is in your face romantic as you say.

    I Personally think that your ego may be getting the best of you. You say that you want to be a romantic, but you label and put all girls in one of two categories! This is the same thing as the "nice" guy that calls himself nice. The actual nice guys are the ones that don't need to point out their strengths! The true romantic doesn't need to try and be romantic, it just comes naturally.

    No offence, but I'd rather be single than date someone like you! I say grow up and do what comes naturally not what you saw in a movie. Maybe girls don't like you past a few dates because they think that you are fake!

    Posted by StayingSingleInBoston July 16, 09 11:28 AM
  1. Stop being in love with love.

    Posted by Carolyn July 16, 09 11:29 AM
  1. I think Meredith's comments about romantic comedies, women wanting to be treated as human, & the LW not taking the time to get to know these women BEFORE getting romantic are right on. I have known & been pursued by guys similar to the LW, and in my experience they seem to think that there's some magic formula that will make women fall into their laps for the "happily ever after". They tend to be in love with love, not the woman they are pursuing. They come on way too strong, way too soon, and they don't bother to consider whether the woman they are pursuing is giving them any signals that they're interested. If she's already likes you, you can probably get away with doing something that she would otherwise recoil at (but only once). These guys also don't pay attention to what individual women's likes & dislikes are, what their preferences are, something that a REAL romantic would do. Maybe she's lactose intolerant. Maybe she's insanely busy at work on Tuesdays so having him bring lunch that day is more of a hinderance than a help. A clueless guy friend of mine once sent a dozen red roses to a fellow grad student because he thought she needed cheering up. A very romantic gesture, if they had been dating, but she did not like him & would never have considered dating him anyway because of some very fundamental differences. Same guy bought me the "Beauty & the Beast" soundtrack on CD out of the blue. At the time I did not yet own a CD player AND I did not care for those particular movies (too saccharine for my tastes at the time), which he should have known because both facts had come up in conversation when he was present.

    That said, I LOVE the fact that my husband did & still does many of the old-fashinoned gentlemanly things BUT he does not and never has gone overboard about it nor made a big show of it. He opens doors for me, but he doesn't rush ahead of me to do it, unless my arms are full. And he doesn't get offended if I open a door for him. He has surprised me with flowers many times, but the first time was not until our third date & he knew me well enough to get me something other than the cliched red roses. He also quickly dropped the gestures that I found irritating. For instance, having a date order for me at a restaurant is at the very least uncomfortable and at worst insulting. Fortunately for my husband, I had already decided I really, really liked him so I let it slide on our first real date, and we soon had a discussion about which of the old-fashioned gestures are about being considerate & are therefore sweet (like opening doors or offering his arm to me), which are meaningless but unoffensive (walking on the outside of the curb is not necessary because we generally do not throw human waste out windows any more but what the hey if he wants to do it) & which are difficult to construe as anything other than treating women as an inferior or a child (like ordering for me - I can speak for myself, thank you very much). And I make sure I pay attention to his likes & dislikes, what's going on at work, etc. so that just like opening doors for each other, the romance & the respect is reciprocal.

    And I know this is getting long, but a couple more pieces of advice for the LW for when he's pursuing an "intellectual" woman (by which I assume he means women with similar levels of education & accomplishment as himself). First, pay attention to Meredith's remark about women wanting to be treated as human. True romance is based in respect, not in treating them as un-equally, whether that be putting them on a pedestal or treating them as inferiors. Along those same lines, be very careful about referring to your female peers, or any females over the age of 10, as "girls" just as you would probably not refer to a male colleague as a "boy". This is not necessarily a feminist thing; it is a respect thing. Second, because so many men who are not gentlemen still use paying for dinner as leverage for getting grilled cheese, PB&J, or other sandwiches from the woman later in the evening, many women are leery of men who INSIST on paying for dinner. It's fine to offer, but if she wants to split the bill, go along with it. You have instantly determined that she's not the 2nd type of woman you described, and if she likes you, she probably wants the date to progress naturally without any chance of a "quid pro quo" sub-text. And really, wouldn't you rather share a nice romantic sandwich with a woman because she really wants to share it with you than because she somehow feels obligated? Finally, you're only 25. Be patient. Your career is just getting started, and so are the careers of the women whom you are likely to be dating. It is completely understandable for them to want to be very focused on their careers right now. Also, if women are giving you this as an excuse for not wanting to date you, it is likely they are just not interested in you and are looking for a way to let you down easy.

    Posted by FeministRomantic July 16, 09 11:31 AM
  1. Anyone who separates out all single women into two types is either very shallow or very stupid, maybe both. How's that for a generalization?

    Posted by Peter Guzinya July 16, 09 11:31 AM
  1. oh and P.S. good luck getting into politics with a Suffolk Law degree... throwing that out there right off the bat isn't helping your case!

    Posted by StayingSingleInBoston July 16, 09 11:31 AM
  1. Hi--

    You are very rare, my friend. I am turning 25 in September, and I have been looking for a wonderful guy, who actually WANTS to be in a relationship...and I can't seem to find him anywhere.

    Some women can be turned off by someone who seems a bit "cocky" in regards to their career. Do you talk about it a lot? Maybe that could be the problem?

    Any woman who is actually interested in YOU, won't care what you do for work...it just won't (and shouldn't ) matter. So try finding other things to talk about, that way you wont intimidate some women, and hopefully you won't attract someone who is just after your money.

    Other than that, just be yourself. Laugh and be polite.

    Oh, and where do you typically go out on weekends? Maybe it has something to do with the places you go?

    GOOD LUCK!

    Posted by Anonymous July 16, 09 11:31 AM
  1. I also sense a lack of respect for women in general. It seems pretty hypocritical that you start off your letter gloating about your career aspirations, but then take a hit on women who do the same thing. Like men, there are PLENTY of women out there who cannnot be defined as either golddiggers or career-obsessed- and, usually, people won't open up about their life stories and ambitions on the first or second date. I take pride in the fact that I can pay for my own things, but I do appreciate acts of chivalry from both men and women (shouldn't all people hold doors?) Meredith is right on- talk (and listen!!) first and get to know them to see whether you have things in common (chemistry). Personally, I see a red flag when a guy pulls out the romance card early without knowing anything about me. It should be natural because you love spending time with the person, not forced.
    card without even knowing my last name.

    Posted by ACQ222 July 16, 09 11:31 AM
  1. That's the problem -- you're looking for a girl, when you should be looking for a women. Romance is nice when it's genuine and not forced, but you don't seem to be willing to accept reciprocity in the romance. You also come across as creepy and you've watched way too much tv set in the 1950s.

    The "walk on the outside of the curb" thing is a leftover from the times when chamber pots were emptied into the street gutters, it was so ladies didn't have to be near raw sewerage.

    Posted by Jennie July 16, 09 11:33 AM
  1. Oh my God!!! Tell me again,! What do you do? Are you an intellectual? Get over yourself. Do yoy walk around with an engagement ring in your pocket ready to punce? You are a loser. If you buy girls all these things after 3 weeks you're also a sucker. I can guarantee that you have no, and ladies sorry for this, game. You're abviously not cool at all but atleast grow a spine. I hope you marry a goldiging stripper who takes you for half of whatever it is youown. Books, candles etc.

    Posted by Beantown13 July 16, 09 11:36 AM
  1. That was my first thought, too, Proudfeminist. I'm not a girl - I'm a woman. As much as he denies it, any man who refers to adult women as "girls" does not truly see us as equals. I'm well educated, think of myself as an intellectual, and still appreciate a man who treats me well, but if I detect even a hint of condescension, I'm gone.

    Posted by Meems July 16, 09 11:37 AM
  1. I always look for that kind of guy. But...
    I find the issue with dating a man who has these notions inevitable leads to inequality in a relationship. How can there be any respect for the opinion of a woman when a guy wants to be her prince charming? I'm all for Prince Charming, as long as he respects what a woman brings to the relationship as well. This letter is all about what you want to do for a woman. What do you want from her in return? Are you willing to do all of those things, and still have a debate with her about intellectual issues, or are you expecting her to be girly and grateful about the things you are doing for her? If you're just looking for an admirer, it's no wonder that you find yourself getting used. If you want to do all those things and still respect the woman as a person, I'll give you my phone number.

    Posted by CJnBoston July 16, 09 11:40 AM
  1. walking on the outside of the curb is something you do so that if an errant driver were to jump a curb you would be hit and not your companion - it was standard chivalry in earlier times.

    love meredith's subtle way of saying what we are all thinking. this guy is a young toolbox who thinks too highly of himself and doesn't realize that the reason he's not finding what he wants is that girls don't like him because he is artifiial and a caricature of what he thinks makes a man attractive.

    and btw, 40+ hrs a week is not a busy life - that's pretty much standard for anyone who doesn't get paid by the hour.

    Posted by notatool July 16, 09 11:41 AM
  1. Once again, great advice by Meredith to quote, "when you meet a woman, really talk to her. No lines. No notes. Just real talk. " I wouldn't call myself a feminist but I am also not a romantic, however I can appreciate romance when it comes from someone who truly knows me and is genuine. Gestures like a romantic dinner are really nice when it means something and you are both really into each other not just the moment itself.

    I suggest that the next time you meet someone you take things slow and again really talk to rather the person than overwhelm her with nice gestures. Personally, I hate getting flowers on the first date, I find it a very empty gesture. I have had several past boyfriends give me a single rose on occasion and that meant much more to me because they were just random nice gestures and we had already been dating for several weeks in one case, several month in the other.

    Just take it slow, there's no reason to be buying someone concert tickets, purses, and jewelry, all within 3 weeks of the relationship. Take your time in getting to know someone before you start buying gifts.

    Posted by cc July 16, 09 11:41 AM
  1. I always look for that kind of guy. But...
    I find the issue with dating a man who has these notions inevitable leads to inequality in a relationship. How can there be any respect for the opinion of a woman when a guy wants to be her prince charming? I'm all for Prince Charming, as long as he respects what a woman brings to the relationship as well. This letter is all about what you want to do for a woman. What do you want from her in return? Are you willing to do all of those things, and still have a debate with her about intellectual issues, or are you expecting her to be girly and grateful about the things you are doing for her? If you're just looking for an admirer, it's no wonder that you find yourself getting used. If you want to do all those things and still respect the woman as a person, I'll give you my phone number.

    Posted by CJnBoston July 16, 09 11:41 AM
  1. Meredith, have you read "Sex, Drugs & Cocoa Puffs" by Chuck Klosterman? The first chapter/essay, entitled "This is Emo" is about how he's pretty sure romantic comedies have ruined love for normal people. He proceeds to blame John Cusack. Hilarious and also insightful.

    Posted by Jen July 16, 09 11:42 AM
  1. I agree with proudfeminist. But seriously-how can I meet this guy, sounds great. There are plenty of smart respecible women waiting for prince charming so it doesn't seem like he should have a problem unless its his attitude that gets in the way.

    Posted by smartandsingle July 16, 09 11:42 AM
  1. I agree with Mer. Laying on the romance too soon seems fake. Get to know someone first. I once dated a guy that looked great on paper and probably thought he was making all the right moves. He insisted on paying for everything, he wanted to carry my shopping bags for me, flowers, etc. It annoyed me because I felt like he didn't even know me so why did he feel the need to go overboard to "woo" me? It made me very uncomfortable. When my husband makes a romantic gesture or goes out of his way for me, I know it's because he loves me - not because he is trying to "seal the deal". I also know that he respects me and knows who I am. Mr. Perfect asked me how my play rehearsals were going - when it was a dance performance I was preparing for. Ugh. Wait to make a real connection, then bring on the romance.

    P.S. I consider myself a feminist yet I still appreciate thoughtful gestures and romance, but not when the actions are dehumanizing and make you feel like you are incapable of taking care of yourself. Mr Perfect told a cashier that I was "very independent" when I refused the cashier's help scraping a price tag off a bottle of wine I was buying as a gift. If by independent you mean having a level of dexterity higher than a two year old, then yes, I am independent. Sheesh.

    Posted by bostowyo July 16, 09 11:45 AM
  1. I agree with Mer. Laying on the romance too soon seems fake. Get to know someone first. I once dated a guy that looked great on paper and probably thought he was making all the right moves. He insisted on paying for everything, he wanted to carry my shopping bags for me, flowers, etc. It annoyed me because I felt like he didn't even know me so why did he feel the need to go overboard to "woo" me? It made me very uncomfortable. When my husband makes a romantic gesture or goes out of his way for me, I know it's because he loves me - not because he is trying to "seal the deal". I also know that he respects me and knows who I am. Mr. Perfect asked me how my play rehearsals were going - when it was a dance performance I was preparing for. Ugh. Wait to make a real connection, then bring on the romance.

    P.S. I consider myself a feminist yet I still appreciate thoughtful gestures and romance, but not when the actions are dehumanizing and make you feel like you are incapable of taking care of yourself. Mr Perfect told a cashier that I was "very independent" when I refused the cashier's help scraping a price tag off a bottle of wine I was buying as a gift. If by independent you mean having a level of dexterity higher than a two year old, then yes, I am independent. Sheesh.

    Posted by bostowyo July 16, 09 11:45 AM
  1. LWL, you sound like a nice guy. I think women have lowered their expectations because most men don't know what manners are, think texting is an appropriate way to set up a date, and call women gold-diggers if they don't at least chip in their share of the check. So when a man who respects them comes along, the fear sets in that this guy is a) too good to be true or b) a creepy stalker who wants to control them. Don't stop being who you are. Not every woman is right for you: keep trying and you'll find the one who is. Good luck.

    Posted by Madra July 16, 09 11:45 AM
  1. I agree with Mer. Laying on the romance too soon seems fake. Get to know someone first. I once dated a guy that looked great on paper and probably thought he was making all the right moves. He insisted on paying for everything, he wanted to carry my shopping bags for me, flowers, etc. It annoyed me because I felt like he didn't even know me so why did he feel the need to go overboard to "woo" me? It made me very uncomfortable. When my husband makes a romantic gesture or goes out of his way for me, I know it's because he loves me - not because he is trying to "seal the deal". I also know that he respects me and knows who I am. Mr. Perfect asked me how my play rehearsals were going - when it was a dance performance I was preparing for. Ugh. Wait to make a real connection, then bring on the romance.

    P.S. I consider myself a feminist yet I still appreciate thoughtful gestures and romance, but not when the actions are dehumanizing and make you feel like you are incapable of taking care of yourself. Mr Perfect told a cashier that I was "very independent" when I refused the cashier's help scraping a price tag off a bottle of wine I was buying as a gift. If by independent you mean having a level of dexterity higher than a two year old, then yes, I am independent. Sheesh.

    Posted by bostowyo July 16, 09 11:46 AM
  1. You can make me a romantic dinner and bring me out for ice cream! I wish my husband would do that!
    In all seriousness, I think it is possible to find a woman that wants to be swept off her feet, but you'll probably need to compromise a little. You need a woman who has her own career and wants to do her own thing, but someone who isn't married to their job, so to speak. Romantic gestures are nice, but not always appropriate in day-to-day life; sometimes a woman wants to hold her own door. Save it for the special occasions, the nice dinners and such, not just the everyday dinner out. I don't think there's anything wrong with using the term girl - you are only 25 and I assume the women/girls you are dating are your age or younger, so that would be appropriate to me. I think maybe you just need to get out a little more - it seems like the two groups of women you are describing are either other lawyers, or golddigging daddy's girls at the clubs, just looking for their next meal ticket. I havent tried online dating myself, but I'd take a stab at that - you could more or less post your letter here to describe what you are (and aren't) looking for. GL!

    Posted by romantic July 16, 09 11:46 AM
  1. I am an attractive, professional, cougar who is a hopeless romantic herself !

    Posted by Shannon July 16, 09 11:46 AM
  1. I agree with Mer. Laying on the romance too soon seems fake. Get to know someone first. I once dated a guy that looked great on paper and probably thought he was making all the right moves. He insisted on paying for everything, he wanted to carry my shopping bags for me, flowers, etc. It annoyed me because I felt like he didn't even know me so why did he feel the need to go overboard to "woo" me? It made me very uncomfortable. When my husband makes a romantic gesture or goes out of his way for me, I know it's because he loves me - not because he is trying to "seal the deal". I also know that he respects me and knows who I am. Mr. Perfect asked me how my play rehearsals were going - when it was a dance performance I was preparing for. Ugh. Wait to make a real connection, then bring on the romance.

    P.S. I consider myself a feminist yet I still appreciate thoughtful gestures and romance, but not when the actions are dehumanizing and make you feel like you are incapable of taking care of yourself. Mr Perfect told a cashier that I was "very independent" when I refused the cashier's help scraping a price tag off a bottle of wine I was buying as a gift. If by independent you mean having a level of dexterity higher than a two year old, then yes, I am independent. Sheesh.

    Posted by bostowyo July 16, 09 11:46 AM
  1. To #1--Yeah, you are only speaking for yourself. I'm female and I can handle being called a girl/woman/chick. No problem with that.

    As far as the curb thing--he means that he would walk on the outside of the sidewalk, closest to the street. The reasoning is that the female is safer on the inside, further away from traffic. It's a nice gesture and it's something I'd notice whether or not a guy did on a date.

    I agree with Meredith, big time. I think he's trying to be the stereotypical romantic guy, knight in shining armor type without truly investing the time to get to know a woman as an individual. He is young, though, and probably idealistic.

    Hey kid, slow down before you become BITTER at age 25. Quit looking for Pretty Woman. Women can smell bitterness on a guy from a MILE away. You are 25. LIVE a little. Meet a lot of girls and get to know people.

    Next thing ya know, you'll be writing letters about how nice guys finish last.


    Posted by Kit Kat July 16, 09 11:46 AM
  1. proudfeminist: how many cats you have at home?

    Posted by thegoodolddays July 16, 09 11:47 AM
  1. thats too bad you feel that way. we are all girls and walking on the outside of the curb has been around for along time.too bad you did not know that. some where out there, she waiting lucky girl

    Posted by Anonymous July 16, 09 11:48 AM
  1. "More or less, I want to love and be loved. I want to take a walk, look at the stars, and get lost in the moment. I want to make a girl a romantic dinner and go out for ice cream. A girl who I can bring lunch to at work just because it's a Tuesday. A girl who likes it when little notes are left in her car and apartment – just to brighten her day."

    Well, that paragraph above really sums up the problem. You're not interested in a woman... what you want is to role play. And the women you've met aren't interested in playing your game.

    Loving someone, and being loved by someone, is not a "to-do" item for your calendar. It's something that happens. It'sunconditional.

    Posted by Sigh July 16, 09 11:49 AM
  1. At the risk of being called an abrasive feminist, I have to agree with Meredith here. Women don't want to be called girls or ladies, and don't want to be treated like the next stop is marriage, babies, and PTO meetings. You sound like you are defensive about women who want be respected and recognized as PEOPLE. Can you get some candid feedback from a female friend? Are you patronizing in wanting to hold a door, pay for dinner because you are "the guy"? I suspect that you are too quick with the full court press and are not treating your romantic prospects as potential partners, but as objects to be courted and won.

    Kisses and ice cream and being swept off your feet have not gone out of style. But they are not the be all and end all of romance: trying having a conversation first, with you being a good listener.

    Posted by move on July 16, 09 11:49 AM
  1. I get so tired of the "this" or "that" thinking. I consider myself a feminist, yet I love when a man has good manners. I don't think wanting someone, male or female, to be polite has to do with any social doctrine whatsoever. Just be a decent and sincere person and you'll quickly find someone whom you can then "sweep off her feet."

    Posted by Piccola July 16, 09 11:50 AM
  1. Simply put: you are running into the WRONG women. All successful/intellectual females are not feminists. Many of my girlfriends are VERY successful (some work at law firms, some at banks, and others are working towards their PhDs). However, I would consider only one of my girlfriends to be a feminist. love being treated as ladies, receiving ‘just to say hi’ phone calls, and going on ice cream dates. We work hard- and we can fall in love hard.

    So where should you go to meet girls like us? Perhaps the “after work” bars are your best bet. They are often crowded with successful females who have no problem leaving work by 6 to enjoy themselves. In fact, that is exactly where I met my boyfriend…

    Posted by successful<>feminist July 16, 09 11:50 AM
  1. I think its sweet that you are trying to find true love, but it seems a little desperate that you are buying all of these things for your dates "within 3 weeks". Doing things like that so soon is very nice, but unfortunately, people will take advantage of that. Just keep being yourself and looking for the right girl...it will happen. Seems like you have a lot going for you, just relax.

    PS....doing chivalrous things like walking on the outside of the curb does not go unnoticed. who cares if it's a little old fashioned? it's thoughtful.

    Posted by sm1231 July 16, 09 11:51 AM
  1. Love is great and there is no more euphoric feeling than romantic love, but romantic love always fades and re-ignites from time-to-time in healthy long-term relationships. I'll be honest, I'm concerned that you are looking for a princess that you can put up on a pedestal and worship or show off as a trophy. Nice guys tend to do that. They want to caretake. And usually there is an expectation that she will treat you a certain way if you worship in her temple. Once the initial romance fades, you are left disillusioned with a very real person with all their flaws and idiosyncracies, if not difficult issues. Culturally, girls are conditioned to expect to be treated as princesses (damn that Disney!). The one that you want (even though you may not know it yet) is the one who you can have as a best friend AND excites your romantic interest. Princess/Worhsipper relationships always fail. because the expectations on both sides are unrealistic. Princesses are fantasy and women who expect to be treated in such ways typically end up divorced or single and alone because nobody can worship her enough.


    Posted by sanity123 July 16, 09 11:51 AM
  1. I have a perfect match for this man! Is there anyway we can get them in contact with one another?!

    Posted by SunnyAlyC July 16, 09 11:51 AM
  1. Hmmm...in your experience, women are either angry career-oriented "feminists" who hate being treated like "ladies" or they are cold and calculating "users". And your role in this story is that you, well, you are just a simple, innocent romantic young man who just wants to find sweet, simple love.

    Dude, please. I am going to toss up. Poor poor poor victim little you. Wah wah wah wah. If the filter you are using to assess women hasn't been scarred by childhood trauma or based on a chauvinistic perspective skewed by an obsession with Harlequin romances, then the only other reason I can think of that you aren't finding love is that you are immature in a scary kind of way that healthy women recognize and avoid like the plague.

    Hey, you asked.

    Posted by yupokay July 16, 09 11:52 AM
  1. Women want to be treated with respect; perhaps your method of attempting to feet-sweep is off-putting?

    Your talk of leaving notes in cars and apartments, and showing up at a woman's work (unannounced and unanticipated) with lunch strikes me as being (at best) excessively pushy and steam-rolling, and/or (at worst) creepy and needy.

    As Meredith said, you need to slow it down and get to know a woman before you try to apply the feet-sweeping technique.

    Just because a woman is a "feminist" doesn't mean she automatically won't let you pay for dinner, hold doors for her, etc; it just means she expects to be able to do the same for you on occasion. Are you willing to let her do that, or does it always have to be your way?

    Once you take the time to get to know a woman, you'll find out what it takes to sweep her off her feet.....it just may not be with flowers, candlelight, and chocolate. Does the feet-sweeping HAVE to be your way or are you willing to adapt the feet-sweeping to what will REALLY sweep the woman you're interested in off her feet?

    Posted by Mia July 16, 09 11:52 AM
  1. Hi- it almost sounds like you want a girl that you can take care of, "pay for dinners" and such. However, in the same letter you are complaining about those women that you have to pay for things for, so do you really know what you want? Plus to be honest, and not trying to be mean, I think your letter is just ridiculous - but hey, good luck in your search

    Posted by JW July 16, 09 11:52 AM
  1. My ex used to tdo the "walk on the outside of the curb" thing - in order to protect me I guess from oncoming traffic. I found it a little cute, but also a little excessive. I would call LWL as a little old school, but there are ladies out there who seek this treatment (I know someone who waits in the car for her husband to open her door EVERY TIME) so I guess there is someone for everyone. For me, this "lady treatment" can be nice, but its only a small part of the picture.

    Posted by BOSurmyhome July 16, 09 11:53 AM
  1. I thought I wanted to be swept off my feet when I was single, and I was. Some of the things mentioned by LWL would have put me off in that process. My husband and I went dutch during many of our dates. When our relationship got more serious, I then let him occasionally pay for dinner or some other event. I wanted to feel like an equal. I did appreciate holding the door open, and other chivalrous acts. Intellectual women enjoy having intellectually stimulating conversation and we want to be seen as equals and some of the antiquated methods you are using seem to be a bit demeaning.

    Posted by A Happily Married Woman July 16, 09 11:55 AM
  1. proudfeminist,
    Walking on the outside of the curb harkens back to the days of Shakespeare. People living in cities would often throw their trash out of their windows into the street, so the men would walk closer to the middle of the street to prevent garbage from raining down on the women. Additionally, swords were normally worn on the left side, requiring a man's right arm to be free in case the sword needed to be used. More recently, the reason for men walking on the outside of the curb is that the man would bear the brunt of mud or puddles splashing up from the roadway. Finally, should a car jump the curb, the man would be more likely to receive the brunt of the force, and the man would have a chance to push the woman away from the oncoming car and away from harm's way.

    Posted by Outside of the Curb July 16, 09 11:56 AM
  1. I hope you're not telling all these women that you're a 'hopeless romantic' who wants to sweep her off her feet with all the things you mentioned. I bet most of them have already run into a few guys who claim the exact same thing, and they already know that it's just a show. That 'facade of love' you're trying to avoid? That's exactly what your romantic shtick is.

    I dated a guy once who made a big deal of how romantic he thought he was. What that meant, I learned, was that he wanted to make sure I noticed (and gushed over) all his 'romantic' gestures - deep-eye-gazing, hand-kissing, star-gazing, and yes - making sure he was walking closest to the traffic. It was all about him and this romantic casanova he was trying to be - he wasn't that interested in getting to know me or caring about the things I cared about. I'm betting this is how you come off to women if you're attacking them with the "I'm a hopeless romantic who wants to sweep you off your feet" thing.

    Meredith is spot on - the romance comes later, and it comes naturally when you're really in tune with someone. You might end up finding that the real romantic moments aren't what you'd expect. Star-gazing and long walks on the beach are definitely nice, but they are NOT what define a good relationship, and you're not going to get very far if you think that they are. Listening, being there for one another, understanding how your partner thinks, and learning to work with that - is what ends up being the romantic part.

    Posted by Lala July 16, 09 11:56 AM
  1. First of all, sweeping a woman off her feet is only in the movies! You have to build a friendship and mutual respect and of course the romance will follow and the romance should be on both parties to participate in I feel. Also you referring to wanting to meet "girls" at 25 that may be your problem, try meeting a woman and yes she will appreciate good conversation and pulling out her chair at dinner and opening her car door. You sound like a nice guy just a little misguided on the Romance part of the relationship key word here "relationship" , and yes I think we all want to be loved and give love in return. you are in the right direction just need some tweaking...Good Luck!!

    Posted by FRoptimest July 16, 09 11:57 AM
  1. walking on the outside of the curb is an older fashioned courtesy......to block a lady from anythg that may be splashed up from the street and or protection if a vehicale were to be to close or something. I remember my father told me he was always taught to walk on the road side. then heard if from my mother's father, it was a courtesy that he he was taught as part of etiquette training when he was in the military.

    While I think the sweeping of the feet is wonderfull and romantic, yes get to know them then commence with the sweeping. Believe me, the sweeping will happen to you both if the two of you connect. and the note leaving and sweet nothings will come....spread it all out some save thigns for later when they can be little bit of fun and joy later down the line.

    Posted by KMH July 16, 09 11:57 AM
  1. ...."girls, where are the "girls". Are you interested in a woman, or a young girl who fantasizes about "being swept off her feet" by a fictious prince charming?

    Posted by Anonymous July 16, 09 11:58 AM
  1. After dating a few guys that don't hold doors open for me, let me struggle carrying heavy items, and drop me off in snow banks I think your attitude is refreshing. My happiest relationship to date involved surprise notes, flowers for no reason, and all around chivalry. I agree with Meredith, however, that anything beyond holding doors open on the first date may be coming on too strong and may make you seem like a bit of a player. However, once you have established a genuine, mutual interest in a woman then it's ok to let her know that you're thinking of her and being thoughtful. And a note to all the feminists that fight this kind of chivalry, it's OK to do things like this for your guy too. Whether you're a man or a woman, it's just nice to know that somebody you care about or love is thinking about you. It's not about being a strong independent woman that doesn't need a man doing things for her. It's about showing somebody you love that you care about them and want to do nice things.
    To proudfeminist - It's the polite thing to do for a man to walk on the sidewalk closer to the street and let the woman take the inside.

    Posted by reba July 16, 09 11:58 AM
  1. LWL is seeking a girlfriend. The first part of the key word is girl, not woman (i.e. womanfriend??). I don't understand why "feminists" draw so much attention to the interchangable use of the words "girl" and "woman"

    Posted by wordsmith July 16, 09 12:01 PM
  1. It sounds like you're looking for a smart woman who's just waiting to bear your children and stay home with them. I've been on many first dates with guys like you. Lucky for us, we have other options. Unlike Proudfeminist, I don't mind being called a girl, but I do care about my career, and expect to continue working, whether I have a family or not, to the horror of a surprising number of Boston men. Romance is great! Being taken out to a nice dinner is lovely, but I don't understand why guys would expect a smart girl with a good job to never pay. It's kinda humiliating. Don't worry; there are girls out there who will like your salary enought to play along...

    Posted by newposter July 16, 09 12:02 PM
  1. I agree with Meredith here. There is something very fake about the way you are approaching women. Young, intelligent, successful women (some of whom are even feminists), do appreciate when a man treats her with respect and care, but it takes time and real emotion behind it to make it worth anything. Get to know her, find out what she thinks is important - some women would be embarrassed or even put off by many of the "chivalrous" (i.e., cliched) things you're suggesting, but would love for you to take an interest in her interests or surprise her in ways that let her know that you care about *her*, and not just keeping up your selfless, hopeless romantic appearance to the world. My guess is that Lw/oL is the type of guy who be off-put by his woman paying for a surprise vacation because that's his schtick.

    Romanticism isn't dead, it just needs some updating.

    Proudfeminist - The curb thing is usually what you do with children... keep them on the inside of the curb on a busy street so you have that extra second to keep them from running into the street, or, I suppose, so you could use yourself as a shield if a car came at you. My dad was brought up to do this with women... it's weird.

    Posted by MG July 16, 09 12:04 PM
  1. And can we stop the feminist bashing? A feminist is someone that supports equal rights and opportunity for women. We should all be feminists. Very few feminists are man-hating radicals despite what talk radio would have you believe.

    Posted by bostowyo July 16, 09 12:07 PM
  1. Another young attorney looking for love in all the wrong places. Your best bet definitely is another attorney, paralegal, or administrative assistant because, as you know, the firm is #1 and, unless and until you make partner, your life belongs to the firm. Only someone in the same atmosphere understands how intense the life is. However, do NOT date someone from your firm. If it doesn't work out, you're sunk. What about professional associations or your law school’s alumni association? I seem to remember (one of my kids is a lawyer who married one) that they always have mixers and other social events. Since you're interested in politics, volunteer some time to a candidate or issue. Campaigns are great places to meet other young intellectuals of your particular political persuasion. Most of all, slow down. Have fun with dating. You're young, single, have enough money to enjoy a social life. What's the hurry? If you're really a romantic, trust in serendipidity. The right woman will come along when you stop hunting for her.

    Posted by Kates Nonna July 16, 09 12:13 PM
  1. successful<>feminist says "All successful/intellectual females are not feminists."

    Are you freakin' kidding me?

    That is one of the most ignorant comments I've heard in a long time (other than that idiot who now uses a different posting name who keeps asking women he's threatened by if they have cats). Here's a little schooling for you--the definition of a feminist is a woman who wants equal pay for equal work. Yup, it's that simple.

    It's mind boggling the number of prominent, successful and intellectual women who also identify as feminists.

    God help us with these brainwashed sheep who have bought into and promulgate the insinuous hatred for a woman's right to be treated equally. By the way, you can let your "non-feminist" friends know they still make about 20-30 cents less on the dollar than their male counterparts 40+ years after the feminist movement helped them have access to the type of jobs they have now.

    Posted by yupokay July 16, 09 12:15 PM
  1. I think Meredith is right on. My experience with men like LWL is that they are are concerned more with the idea of a person and how a relationship should be than an actual relationship. A real, actual woman will be flawed, and may ask you to reveal parts of yourself that are scary, and may want to buy you dinner even if you don't think it fits the "romance" plan. There is not a checklist of actions and gifts that will really buy you a woman's heart. What you show when you do those things is that you are far more concerned with yourself and what YOU want to give - and also that you are unwilling to offer something truly personal. Be willing to have a partner - someone who you are willing to just be with, and actually receive from, not just someone who will fill the role of "girl" you have in your romantic fantasy. No real woman thinks that is romance, it is just being used as an object to receive affection.


    Posted by emgirl July 16, 09 12:15 PM
  1. LWL- I don't know how and why you were immediately judged as being to quick to love and therefore proclaiming insincerity, but I think you made your story quite honestly and clear. Woman today more than ever strive to be independent in all aspects of life and in return will not accept certain gestures that used to be the norm between a man and woman because eventually respect for the woman is lost. We know we need do succeed in our own right and find it difficult to regress when a man decides to pay and do this and that for us in fear as being viewed as incompetent, and this fear sometimes manifests itself in the most simplest of kind gestures such as having to open our own door...Which is ridiculous. Then there are those woman who most definitely take advantage and use a man for the good that he possesses and that's when all the nice guys that once were are now convinced that the bad boy ways and appeal are the only way to go..far far from true.
    I just ended it with my boyfriend of a year realizing he did not one of these things you've mentioned. I am young and very independent because I've never had the option to be otherwise, therefore I expect nothing and do for myself and always thought I should split the bill even if my financial income was SAD in comparison to his-but I only thought it was fair..But I was a sucker. It was because I was independent and all those things that he took advantage and never had any inclination or care to take me out to do what ever because I couldn't pay my way..it wasn't even about money! That boiled down to mere consideration and chivalry. I would love to meet someone not clingy but affectionate, attentive, thoughtful and considerate...I find those are natural basic elements to any relationship...You, my dear, have nada to worry about...You, like myself, are young and youth and time are the two gifts we have on our side...Just don't look and it shall come to you.

    Posted by Anonymous July 16, 09 12:23 PM
  1. HOSS --Even though I am PMSing, I still think this guy is getting shat upon in the responses. Just because he is a little old fashioned doesn't mean he is a homosexual. You are basically calling him gay because he's a romantic. NOT amusing at all...

    Posted by Amazed July 16, 09 12:25 PM
  1. Don't worry LWL, not every woman feels as stated above. I think you are being misunderstood. The women that understand what you mean by "being treated like a lady" will completely respect and admire that trait in a man. It has nothing to do with being feminist or not. I myself am an attorney, and an independent person, but also appreciate the "gentlemanly" acts you stated above. For some women, as long as you are being sincere, it is a sign of respect, which is the first step to falling in love (even if you call it being a hopeless romantic). I mean, I hope you would hold the door open for your mother, woman friend, elderly woman stranger....etc.

    Posted by measuringlifeinmoments July 16, 09 12:27 PM
  1. Sally wins best line of the day: "Is this hopeless romance? No. It’s utter denial. It’s utter D-bagdom."

    The guy does sound like a total D-Bag. This is the kind of posturing meant to kick nice, normal, down-to-earth guys like myself out of the picture for any women interested in a long-term committment. This is my competition? "Where are these girls, the ones who want to truly love and be loved? The ones who measures [sic] life not in minutes, money, or promotions but in moments?" I'm not sure where you grew up, pal, but this is 2009. The rest of us 25 year olds aren't stuck in some fantasy world. Chances are the women you see actually want to love and be loved. Just not by you.

    Posted by Simple Man July 16, 09 12:28 PM
  1. FeministRomantic - really? I didn't read one word you wrote BUT you just left the world's biggest comment....oh where do you find the time.

    Posted by SoxSupporter July 16, 09 12:29 PM
  1. I’m not buying this Loser Without Love as a sincere LW. No junior lawyer admits to anything less than 60+ hours per work week. Maybe you’re a stenographer. At least you're enlightened and are willing to share in the household chores (sweeping). Let’s forget about the long walks on the beach. You’re probably not tall enough to keep stride with these Mensa Hooter Mamas. And that’s where I think we are. Napoleon was at least smart enough to remain on his mount, and he wore a hat so he wouldn’t have to blow dry his hair. With your abbreviated inseam, I’d stick to Mr. Ed. As for the ladies who insist on picking up the check: With you they’re just paying so they don’t feel obligated to grill your Gruyere…or take a walk.

    Posted by valentino July 16, 09 12:29 PM
  1. You know the saying "if its too good to be true, it probably is..." well, when I first read this, I thought, get me on the next train to Boston... but then I thought, its can't be this easy and realized... he doesn't care if about the values, personality or goals of a woman, just whether they can say yes to ice cream and purses. Let me tell you, they can (and concert tickets, and drinks, and dinner). But he's not getting attached emotionally, because he's not looking emotionally. He needs to concentrate on the person and then shower her with gifts because he truly loves her, not just because he can.

    Posted by Sally7 July 16, 09 12:29 PM
  1. RIGHT ON RICO! Yeah!

    Posted by Amazed July 16, 09 12:32 PM
  1. I don't think going to Suffolk Law is something to brag about, or even mention during your dates. It's not even in the top 50 best law schools in the U.S.. It makes you come off as arrogant and confused. Know your rankings before trying to show off to girls. As for a successful career in politics...it'll be a long shot.
    Good luck with finding your other half.

    Posted by JellyBeans July 16, 09 12:33 PM
  1. When I was single and in the dating scene, the very first thing that I looked for when I met a new man was whether they seemed genuinely interested in me as a person. It is very easy to spot men with agenda that seems insincere, and although I'm giving the benefit of the doubt to our fellow here, I have to admit, it does come across that you are all "me, me, me."

    I think you really need to take some time and figure out what you are looking for in a woman. Not what you want the courtship to be like, that is secondary. If you are truly serious about finding a person to spend the rest of your life with, you need to start thinking about what values, goals, characteristics that person will have. And then you need to take a look at yourself and decide what makes you a good partner. Jewelry, expensive dinners and holding doors open does not make someone a good partner. Respect, compassion, and true kindness makes someone a good partner.

    Romance is wonderful and most women, I think, would love to find a man who was thoughtful enough to leave a sweet note on their car or bring them lunch during a hard day at work. But those things are all extremely secondary to building a real, solid friendship and relationship with someone.

    Posted by Melissa July 16, 09 12:33 PM
  1. i've not read any responses besides m's. i thought the young attorneys letter was nice -- i wish i were 25 and available -- i work with attorneys, most have no manners -- i think holding the door open, walking on the curbside of the sidewalk, etc. is indicitive of a gentlemen -- there are very few of those left in the world -- i think any girl (and i have no problem with someone referring to a woman around 25 as a girl) would be happy to have you

    Posted by Laurie July 16, 09 12:34 PM
  1. Strike a balance - do the cute things (like leaving notes), but let her pay for some things and be her own woman. Tailor the things that you do to her interests and what she seems to love - it might be a $50 bouquet of flowers sent to work, or maybe it's a cold gatorade waiting for her after a workout. Different women prefer different types of affection, and if you spend time getting to know her you'll learn which she is most receptive to. ALL of your efforts may leave her feeling either coddled (not a sexy feeling) or like a character in your pre-written script, but the efforts in a toned-down and tailored manner may get you closer to what you are looking for.

    In general, I think women appreciate chilvalry as much as men appreciate politeness. Chivalry is a fancy word for treating people very well - now, what on earth about that is a bad thing?

    Posted by Fievel July 16, 09 12:34 PM
  1. post your contact info... I have a few friends who would absolutely LOVE to meet a guy like you and I think you'd LOVE to meet them :-)

    Posted by lotsofSINGLEfriends July 16, 09 12:35 PM
  1. First - I'm happy you are weeding out the money hungry women. They make me so angry. I was in a two year relationship where the man bought me flowers, wrote me love letters, paid for everything, walked on the outside of the curb, had chicken soup delievered when i was sick, etc. He was the most romantic man I had ever met. HOWEVER, he was a push over and didn't challenge me. I am now dating a financially struggling wonderful man who doesn't buy me flowers or candy or jewelry and won't ever want to slow dance in the living room just to be romantic - but - he makes me grow as a person. I respect him, he challenges me, doesn't let me get away with being a spoiled brat, and we are in the relationship 50/50. I believe woman like a challenge and not have someone crawling up their back side 24 hours a day. Please always stay a gentleman - open doors - pay for dinner - enjoy your ice cream - but realize there is more to a relationship than that. Like M said - friendship. You want and deserve respect. You will find her. Take your time and enjoy getting to know people. Don't rush for certainty.

    Posted by T July 16, 09 12:36 PM
  1. Right on #124!
    Finally someone telling it like it is out there.
    And cheers to Ashton and Demi!

    Posted by John S. July 16, 09 12:37 PM
  1. I'm an intelligent, independent career gal and met one of those elusive chivalrous men. His manners were out of a fairy tale, he opened doors, wrote love letters, walked on the outside, paid for dinner, sent roses to my work...he even took out an article in USA today for me proclaiming his love "Since I can't shout it from a mountain top, this is the next best way to let the world know I love you".

    We're getting married next month.

    Women can sense an insincere gesture from miles away and if a guy was doing all this without there being chemistry or an actual connection it'd just be plain creepy. Keep that in mind.

    Posted by lunchtime July 16, 09 12:38 PM
  1. You people are all crazy. I can't stand it anymore. One week, the man should be responsible for holding doors and paying for ALL of the dates. Now this guy is insecure because he WANTS to do all these things. It's like these comments are being written by bitter old women who hate men no matter what.

    I'm tired of these sexist attitudes. Goodbye LL

    Posted by doutful July 16, 09 12:38 PM
  1. Wow, Meredith, I think you were much, much too harsh.

    I am a card-carrying feminist (even marched for equal rights when I was a teen), and proud of it. However, that doesn't mean I don't appreciate chivalry, good manners, and a man who is affectionate and loving and shows it by romantic gestures. The two can exist together.

    My anecdote for the day: when I met my DH, I did notice the little things he did, like come bearing flowers on our first date, opening the car door for me, pulling out my chair at the restaurant, and writing a good old-fashioned snail-mail note the next day. (That was a particularly thoughtful touch). It made it clear from the start he was ga-ga over me, and I was for him too. Yes, part of that was physical attraction, since we didn't really know each other yet, but what relationship doesn't start out that way? (I would not want a relationship that *didn't* start out with that).

    Better: he's never stopped these things. He is a romantic at heart. I love it. These types of gestures aren't about being old-fashioned and out of touch. No. They are about being CONSIDERATE. And give me a considerate man any day. They not only tend to take out the trash and pull their fair share around the house, they are usually the best in bed too. :-)

    Which brings me to my point: the right woman - whether career-driven feminist or not - will love all these gestures - and will offer her own in return. You just haven't found her yet.

    Those that are annoyed over your chivalrous gestures, are likely just not all that into you. Yes, you may be perceived as coming on too strong: when you're not into someone, these sort of things ARE annoying, aren't they? Or these women may be battling the tendency of their own to give too much. Maybe they saw their own mothers give too much, maybe they have been burned in the past, maybe they don't know how to turn off career mode. Who knows.

    But, I would trust your instincts about intellectual types. You may find a stay-at-home wifey ultimately boring. Relationships are about stretching ourselves in new ways. The partner you find will probably stretch you to learn how to take, and not just give - to strike a healthy balance.

    Those that want you to buy them purses, are superficial and just using you for your wallet. These are takers, not givers. Be happy these leaches didn't last longer than 3 weeks. As a giver, you are going to attract such takers. What you want is someone who's also a giver. Then the two of you will need to work on learning how to not just give, but also take. Because the best relationships are about give AND take.

    P.s. if anyone wants to complain this post is too long, THIS IS NOT TWITTER.


    Posted by anecdotal evidence July 16, 09 12:39 PM
  1. Sally #51 - Hilarious! I bow to your toe cleavage...

    Posted by valentino July 16, 09 12:39 PM
  1. This is the man I want and can't find!!!! Can you put me in contact with him???

    Posted by Jamie July 16, 09 12:45 PM
  1. I agree with Carolyn's post #130. You are in love with being in love and want romantic love so desperately. When you meet a girl or woman, (dependent on her mind, not her chronological age) just go with the flow. Hopefully, your instincts will be good and you'll know if she's the romantic type or will think you're stalking her if you leave notes in her car. Everything in it's time, and you're young enough that time is on your side. Enjoy yourself, don't get so serious so quickly and love will find you. I promise.

    Posted by bubbuh July 16, 09 12:45 PM
  1. I agree with Carolyn's post #130. You are in love with being in love and want romantic love so desperately. When you meet a girl or woman, (dependent on her mind, not her chronological age) just go with the flow. Hopefully, your instincts will be good and you'll know if she's the romantic type or will think you're stalking her if you leave notes in her car. Everything in it's time, and you're young enough that time is on your side. Enjoy yourself, don't get so serious so quickly and love will find you. I promise.

    Posted by bubbuh July 16, 09 12:45 PM
  1. I Hate feminists. Give me a break with your nonsense about being called "girls" You people do realize that "woman" has the word man it it preceded by wo. your jobs in life are to Wo the Man. I let my wife walk on the curb side just in case something gets on me! LWL you should try this. Also when you are out to dinner and having a conversation and she is not looking you in the eye. try givering just a little smack on her face to let her know that you demand resepect. Feminist wont really like that but hey if a man was disrespecting me i would punch him in the face. a smack is just being nice. after all feminists want to be treated just that same. well then take you slap and shut your mouth.

    Posted by steven July 16, 09 12:46 PM
  1. Rico-
    You were gay at 25?

    Posted by valentino July 16, 09 12:47 PM
  1. Lost – I feel for you. You are getting a lot of negative responses. I am going to go ‘light’ on you and believe that your young age contributed to some of your more questionable phrases.

    That being said, these ladies who want to be loved and swept off their feet do exist. I am one of them, and my husband of 10 years swept me off my feet within the week of meeting me. It truly was a whirlwind romance and it still continues to this day. We leave notes for each other. He and our 4 –y/o son come to my office for lunch sometimes (He is a SAHD – my hero), we go for ice cream and bike rides on the weekends.

    Don’t be discouraged. And I agree that maybe your approach might be off, and most women are going to be a combination of the two categories you mentioned, amongst others. I am a career woman, bringing in 90% of the money in my household, usually working 40+ hours a week. (My dear husband works evenings for benes and some extra spending money.) But I love it when he serves me coffee in bed on a Saturday morning, surprises me with little gifts, or holds my hand when we are on the walk around the neighborhood with our son.

    So, take it slow, learn a little more about the lady before you lavish her with gifts and attention, then romance her little heart out.

    Posted by Loves Romance too July 16, 09 12:49 PM
  1. Ok- i just scanned these 177 comments looking for someone who went to Suffolk who has figured out who this is. I graduated last year and I am now DYING to know who actually wrote this. So if anyone knows please post or fess up yourself!

    Posted by SuffolkLaw'08 July 16, 09 12:50 PM
  1. I can't help but notice you mention you have no problem finding "pretty girls."

    Oh, how those "pretty girls" do make a man smile don't they? That is till you actually sit down and talk to some of them. Then you realize what some of us here have already learned. That sometimes the most beautiful of women are not the most interesting to talk to, nor the most romantic.

    This is not always the case, but just be aware it might be part of you're problem. You might be attracting or are attracted to the type of women who aren't going to appreciate you, and who will use you in the ways you described because they know they can.

    Beauty is a plus, but it should never be tatamount when searching for true love, as beauty is in it what you see it.

    If you truely desire what you discuss search for a woman whos going to appreciate, love, and understand you for exactly who you are. Which by your account is a hopeless romantic.

    "Their out there."

    Search for a woman whos going to make you laugh as we are happiest in this life when laughing. If you do that you might just stand a chance at finding that which you desire.

    The moral of this story is love is elusive, lust is not.

    g30rg3 Out

    Posted by g30rg3 July 16, 09 12:57 PM
  1. Why are you buying purses and jewelry 3 weeks into a relationship? Sounds kinda stalkery...

    Posted by DotGal July 16, 09 12:58 PM
  1. I realize walking closest to the curb is the gentlemanly thing to do, but when LWL meets the right guy, who’s getting kicked to the curb?

    Posted by valentino July 16, 09 12:58 PM
  1. Poor LW - after reading the first few entries, I feel for you. There are some folks who want to be swept off their feet and others who want to do it. My dad still opens doors for my mom and me. He also has knowledge of cars and investments even though he is an electrical engineer. Nowadays most guys don't have knowledge of anything outside their fields. I still hope for the down-to-earth Prince Charming...., but yes I still hope for the one who is the right one for me.

    Posted by Searching for MrRight July 16, 09 01:03 PM
  1. Don't know if anyone corrected this, but the real reason men are supposed to walk closest to the street on the curb is that it used to be common for people to toss water and some garbage out the window in cities. A woman standing closer to the building was less likely to be hit by these than a man standing near the street. It has nothing to do with puddles, uncontrollable cars, or too-old-to-drive Massachusetts residents.

    Posted by done July 16, 09 01:04 PM
  1. john edwards, you are not 25! couldn't even pass for it, so go back to elizabeth and leave young girls alone.

    Posted by yer mama July 16, 09 01:05 PM
  1. I admit, I was wrong that there are only two types of women. There are in fact two other types, other than Angry Feminists and Money Grubbers, you also have the Fat and/or Ugly ones too (but at least they "Try Harder"!).

    Posted by DudeGuyKidDudeGuy666 July 16, 09 01:05 PM
  1. I have to say, I must be in the minority here. I very much want to be swept off my feet, in a genuine way. I have dated men where they try on the first date or two, then their true colors come out and its a disappointment. A woman wants to be respected and adored, and respect and adore in return.
    My opinion is (mind you, its only my own) is that even a woman who calls herself a feminist, still wants to be treated like a lady/woman/girl at the end of the day.
    I have recently met a man that is truly my knight in shining armor. He will always open the car door for me, hold my hand while walking or just sitting on the couch. Its an amazing feeling to mean that

    Posted by Pirates Wench July 16, 09 01:08 PM
  1. #31 OTC, you are a pathetic individual who probably failed out of undergrad and you now google iphones for a living, claiming it's real work. To the LW: You're a 1st year and you only work 40 hours a week? How? Where? And can I get in on that? Haha. On a serious note, being chivalrous is totally legit. Guys should pay on the first few dates, it's just basic manners 101. Girls/women/females, always should offer of course! Just take it slow. You should not be buying purses or jewlery less than a month (or even 2 or 3 months) into a relationship. Take it down a notch! You're a 25 year old guy, chillllll.

    Posted by OTCisPatheTic July 16, 09 01:10 PM
  1. LWL I think some people may be too hard on you. There is nothing wrong with talking about your career as I'm sure it is an important part of your life and therefore important for the advice-giver to know. Also, you should be calling yourself an intellectual, making it through law school and graduating is a huge accomplishment, one not many can handle regardless of the school (Suffolk Law school is by they way a VERY good law school). I doubt you are creepy, I'm pretty sure you don't go up to every pretty girl you meet and give her the synopsis you just gave us. My advice to you is to maybe not brush off those women you think are 'feminists'. Perhaps some of them are aspiring in their own career field and have had to be a bit tougher just because the work world is so male dominated. Keep at it, I'm sure you'll find an amazing woman to sweep off her feet, don't be so surprised if one of them actually sweeps you away!

    Posted by Taylor July 16, 09 01:11 PM
  1. I think you need a good kick in the crotch. Maybe it would cause your gonads to drop down to their proper location because it sounds like you currently have no visible ones.

    That being said, I'll give you credit for one of the two possible reasons why you wrote this letter:

    1. As a prank
    2. To try to get dates by portraying yourself as a cartoonish dream guy for all the lonely ladies here.

    Posted by Bob Dwyer July 16, 09 01:15 PM
  1. Ok, I'm sorry, but I gotta say this to "SuccessfulFeminist" #158, who mentioned that out of all of her highly succesful friends (who work at law firms, banks, and are earning PhDs), only one is a feminist.

    I think that your friends might wanna re-evaluate, 'cause if it wasn't for feminists, they wouldn't be even be ALLOWED to earn degrees or work outside the home in banks and law firms.

    Posted by KitKat July 16, 09 01:15 PM
  1. As I read this the images that popped into my head were Dina McGreevey and trophy wives. The problem here is quite simple - the smart ones know you're not sincere, b/c your romantic gestures are premature; and the gold diggers are insincere themselves, so they don't care.

    Seriously - I think you should back up a bit and learn how to be friends with girls. It will come in very very handy when you do meet the right girl and get married. My husband is my best friend, and the fact that he is super hot is really just a bonus.

    Posted by RealityChic July 16, 09 01:17 PM
  1. You come across as arrogant and deluded in this letter. You talk about your "career" as an "attorney", but I'm betting that you just graduated from Suffolk (a 4th tier law school, located in the same town as many better law schools -- Harvard, BC, and BU), and have yet to even pass the bar. If you graduated college at age 22, then went to law school without ever working in between, then at 25 you would be graduating from law school, never having worked full time at a real job in your life. So, what I'm saying is that you can go ahead and pretend you are living the life of some successful young lawyer, but don't expect women to come flocking to your doorstep wanting to play a role in your fantasy.


    Posted by Incredulous July 16, 09 01:20 PM
  1. Valentino and Hoss should get married. That's still legal here in Massachusetts, right?

    Posted by Amazed July 16, 09 01:21 PM
  1. If those are the only "types" of women you can catch, then the problem is you.

    Posted by indiglodoe July 16, 09 01:24 PM
  1. Where were you when I was 25? You sound nice, however, gifts within 3 weeks? Um, no.

    Keep plugging, it's a numbers game, and remember you are in Boston.

    Posted by JustForComments July 16, 09 01:24 PM
  1. Valentino, I doubt Rico was ever gay but good luck on that wishful thinking since we all know you love Rico.

    Great post Rico, I think you have it right what was meant by the letter. Too many people here taking it out of context? Prove us wrong with a reply?

    Serenity now, Serenity now!

    Posted by George July 16, 09 01:24 PM
  1. Most woman in Boston are ...brutal.

    they seek the wrong things.

    Sell phones, shopping on newbury and Vox populi -always looking around the corner for something better...it instinctual here. I was one of them, always trying to keep up with my friends...who's boyfriend is cuter and the like.

    move out of Boston and you may find a real woman.

    Posted by Jocie July 16, 09 01:25 PM
  1. The two worst dates I ever went on read great on paper.

    The first one had all the elements of a typical romantic date: dinner, a show, roses, music, champagne, chivalry. When I described it to friends they thought it sounded wonderful, but it was horrible. It was a first date, with someone I’d just met. He clearly had his idea of a perfect date, but I don’t think the personality of the woman with him mattered. In fact, his name and all his siblings’ names started with the same letter mine does and I’ve always thought he just wanted to add me to the collection.

    The other worst date was horrible in a different way. I’d been friends with the man for years. He knew I liked asti spumante and Casablanca. I didn’t realize our get-together was a date until it involved asti spumante, Casablanca, and some uncomfortable encroaching on my personal space. He cared about my likes but didn’t pay enough attention to me to notice my serious unease.

    In each case, the man was too focused on his idea of the perfect date to notice my discomfort. I think this is an amateur mistake—I was in my early 20s at the time. I suspect the LW has the same problem, especially since he complains that his dates don’t get emotionally attached despite his lavish gifts early in a relationship. I strongly doubt his gifts signify his emotional attachment more than his idea of himself as Prince Charming.

    When I met my husband our dates didn’t feel like dates. It was quite a relief.

    LWL, it sounds like you’re playing a role, not interacting with a person. Continue to be courteous: genuine courtesy will get you far. Being hell-bent on “sweeping a girl off her feet” can come off as false. I’d rather be treated like a person first and a lady second.

    Posted by Daffodil July 16, 09 01:27 PM
  1. 1. Take the time to get to know a woman before you start the ‘sweeping’. Intense gestures, notes etc can be overwhelming and creepy with a guy you just met.
    2. While dating, continue to treat women like a ladies – open doors, pay for dinner. If she gets offended, then she’s probably not the woman for you.
    3. Relationships grow organically – they can’t be forced no matter how much you ‘romance’ her. You are just going to have to be patient and know that it takes time for trust and love to grow between people.
    4. If you find the right woman, you will have a whole lifetime of being able to romance her. So, don’t use up all your romance moves within the first few months.

    Posted by LuLuLemon July 16, 09 01:27 PM
  1. doubtful – #197: “I'm tired of these sexist attitudes. Goodbye LL”

    You’re breaking up with us? What did we say? Don’t give us that “It’s not you, it’s me” line. Is it the extra few pounds we carry around in the middle? We can work it out. Let’s go to therapy…there’s a brand new world out there for us. The Atkins is starting to work…THE KETOSIS STRIPS ARE POSITIVE!!! I know we’ve been chatting online with others for some time. Sure, sometimes we got too emotionally involved, but it was always YOU at the end of the day. Oh, baby give me one more chance…show you that I love you. Won’t you please let me – back in your heart? We know we should let you go, but we never can say goodbye. Tell us what we can do!

    Posted by valentino July 16, 09 01:29 PM
  1. Meredith, probably your best advice EVER! What more can I say, except what a phony!

    Posted by Nada July 16, 09 01:31 PM
  1. Amazed (#182) - we really, really, DONT need to hear about your menstural cycle...gross.

    Posted by HOSS July 16, 09 01:31 PM
  1. You sound so full of yourself- self proclaimed intellectual and lover of "girls." This letter did not require you to disclose your profession or where you went to school. You did not cure cancer..you went to a mediocre law school and have a job- which makes you lucky these days. Personally, I am not impressed. Meredith is right in that romance comes into play after you get to know someone a bit. If I met someone that was over the top with romance from the get go I would be creeped out. I think when you are more genuine in your approach you will be more successful at meeting the right women.

    Posted by Take it or leave it July 16, 09 01:35 PM
  1. Val, my toe cleavage winks at you.
    Hoss, bravo. Bravo. Bravo. I chortled out loud.
    drew #5 said it most succinctly.
    As for Meredith's response: our fearless leader was rather restrained, I think. And oh, Meredith: Jennifer Aniston instead of Cameron Diaz? Maybe? Anyways...
    LWL, the fracture in your fairy tale allows me to see right through. And the view is not pretty.

    Posted by Sally July 16, 09 01:35 PM
  1. #125 is what it's all about.
    Finally someone telling it like it is!
    Maturity in all ways comes with age and experience.

    Posted by John S. July 16, 09 01:37 PM
  1. OKCupidFan, are you still single and looking? Give me a hint on how to find you on OKCupid.

    Posted by The Dude July 16, 09 01:42 PM
  1. This clearly is nothing more than a thinly veiled attempt at getting dates, and as expected, the soap opera loving / "there are no good men out there" rubes are lapping it up with their "Please post your contact info" or "I know someone who'd be perfect for you" comments. So utterly pathetic and predictable. Actually, in light of the volume of comments / chat remarks about no good men, I'm surprised it took this long for someone to perpetrate this kind of fraud.

    Meredith's interns, please pull this classified singles ad....errr, I mean letter, and post a real one that seeks advice.

    - Hoss

    Posted by Hoss July 16, 09 01:42 PM
  1. To be honest, I wish there were more 25 year olds with a J.D. that were looking for romance like LWL. What gives Boston?

    Posted by Maura July 16, 09 01:43 PM
  1. I think the LW sounds like a nice guy with a good future and I wish I'd met him 15 years ago

    And for all you dopes that dont think your comment is posting and keep hitting the "submit" button--stop! We dont need 4-5 copies of your comments; once is enough please

    Posted by E July 16, 09 01:47 PM
  1. OK - first off, #1 - Gloria Steinem called saying your NOW dues are WAY overdue.

    #151 - LMAO!! very nice.

    And now, the rest of the story. First off, let's remind those who have no clue that 25 is a very delicate age. Mid twenties, yes, but for those whose maturity level hasn't reached their age - 'girls' are going to be what their called. Additionally, 'girls' are the type of women he's going after. What LWL needs is a older, cougar type (reference: #150) who can take him on and make him a man. That's what I'm talking about. Word.

    Hoss - your 'normally good' comment isn't as effective today as in recent days, but everyone is entitled to a day off. And Rico - you missed an instance where you didn't refer to yourself in the third person. Again, everyone is entitled to a day off.

    Best of luck LWL. And swing for the fences with your Suffolk Law degree (PS: real lawyers are working over 100 hours a week. Good luck)

    Posted by WatchOutForTheNOWGang July 16, 09 01:47 PM
  1. He is 25. Saying 'girls' is not that much of a crime, is it? lighten up....
    LW -- take it easy, and let friendships develop. Love at first sight..... sweeping someone off their feet.... unless you are the mythical super hero, ain't going to happen... so enjoy a good friendship and let it develop into something deeper. Takes time and effort (and not necessarily money and gifts).

    Posted by chins July 16, 09 01:47 PM
  1. I get that you spent alot of time on your education and now you are looking to fill the void in your soul after so many years of hard work. One red flag you should note is that Rico identifies with you. LWL, you are a douche bag. Plain and simple. This letter oozes douchbagness. There are plenty of "girls" looking for what you're selling and they will be writing in to love letters 2 years from now saying, "he was so romantic in the begining, I dont know what happened." Politics will be perfect for you.

    Posted by sexual chocolate July 16, 09 01:48 PM
  1. I love this one..."I promise you, PROMISE YOU, as a 20 something female living in Boston now - some of us are DYING to find a guy like you. I PROMISE."

    ...and I promise you, PROMISE YOU, as a 20 something male living in Boston now - that while "some" women are DYING to find a guy like you. Most want to get stuffed by some d-bag that doesn't call them enough...Waaaaa!

    Posted by Laramie McSweensalot July 16, 09 01:51 PM
  1. LWL, you sound like a nice guy. I think women have lowered their expectations because most men don't know what manners are, think texting is an appropriate way to set up a date, and call women gold-diggers if they don't at least chip in their share of the check. So when a man who respects them comes along, the fear sets in that this guy is a) too good to be true or b) a creepy stalker who wants to control them. Don't stop being who you are. Not every woman is right for you: keep trying and you'll find the one who is. Good luck.

    Posted by Madra July 16, 09 01:52 PM
  1. You can probably find someone on Craigslist. Give that a try

    Posted by Bud July 16, 09 01:52 PM
  1. where were you when I got married?!?! Good luck!

    Posted by shan July 16, 09 01:53 PM
  1. I know a guy like you. Holy crap, he went through a lot of women before he found one that went for the kind of nasueating nonsensical approach to romance you espouse. But the good news is, he eventually found one - albeit nearly 20 years after he started searching - but still, happiness now reigns.

    Good luck.

    Posted by CPThree July 16, 09 01:53 PM
  1. To live in this city you need to have bit of an edge to you - and to date in this city you have to have a LOT of edge to you - or as I like to call it, a bullshit radar. Women see your 'nice/romantic guy' approach as an act. Although you might be truly genuine, we're not buying it.
    Don't get me wrong, I love some romance. But when someone lays it on during the first few dates, my bullshit radar is going off and I'm thinking - okay what is this guy really like. There are still women out there who are looking for a guy who will hold the door and pay for them - just don't go too overboard where we think its an act. And add a picture and info about you.....I bet you'll get some dates off here!

    Posted by singleinthecity July 16, 09 01:53 PM
  1. Anecdotal evidence,
    You are missing the point. Meredith is not saying that women (or feminists) don't like romance or thoughtful gestures. She is saying we don't like it when it is insincere and just a ploy. The impression I get from the LW is that he is scaring off women by coming on too strong without finding out if there is a connection first. No one likes to receive romantic, gushy gestures from someone they are not interested in - it's just uncomfortable. The LW is probably bad at reading signals. He needs to figure out if the girl even likes him (and if he likes her!) before he dives in.

    Posted by bostowyo July 16, 09 01:54 PM
  1. My suspicion, and it's just a suspicion, is that women get a little creeped out by the intensity of the romantic attention (if I'm reading the OP's post correctly). Everyone wants to be treated nicely. But being condescended to because of gender, or someone's idea of gender, is just not a turn on. And romantic attention overdone, turns on the handy little red warning light in a lot of smart female minds.

    What we really want is a friend we can fall in love with. Be that friend.

    Posted by Susan July 16, 09 01:54 PM
  1. Sorry, Rico. You are wrong on this one.

    Posted by bostowyo July 16, 09 02:01 PM
  1. Meredith nails it again! Totally agree with her advice on getting to know women (not girls) as people....a fellow human being. Just like men don't like to be classified as being either "good guys" or "bad guys", us women are quite diverse and unique as well, so I find it concerning that you only seem to encounter one of two women (the so-called "femininst" and the "gold-diggers". Come on now... so, of all the women you encountered at undergrad, law school, your political circles, fellow neighbors, etc...you can honestly say that they fall into one of those two camps? Could it be that you only approach those types of women (assuming they are that way) because that's who you are attracted to? What about the women that played sports at your schools? Did you give them a chance or write them off as being a tom-boy? What about the women on the dean's list or wrote for law review? How about them? Or were they "busy" or "too into their books" for you?What about the women that juggled different jobs to pay their way for school? What about the single mom sitting next to you in class? What about the women who's a different race than you that you don't approach because you don't realize you have built-in set parameters that don't allow you to see beyond your comfort zone? I'm sure if you think about it, you probably use a lot of filters that may affect the quality of women you want. Have you been basing your selections on just looks instead of focusing on their character? You say you want to love and be loved....well news flash: that's what EVERYONE wants. Everyone (men and women) wants to feel appreciated, valued, get notes, go for icecream, go to the movies, go on long walks talking, etc.. But, Meredith is right...those come after you do the work of getting to know someone as a PERSON and letting it come naturally....not holding it up as a goal to strive for and losing sight that before all those good fun things, you first need to listen....to the other person...and also yourself because you can't rush quality relationships. After all, what's more important, the ice cream, the long walk, the moonlight or the actual person?

    Posted by bklynmom July 16, 09 02:02 PM
  1. Yikes. The poor kid is 25 - of course he calls them "girls" because that is exactly who he is dating at that age (appropriately so). Cut him some slack. Eventually the real world will get a hold of him, trample his spirit and leave him jaded just like the rest of us. Let the poor guy enjoy the notion of "sweeping a girl off her feet" while he still can! :)

    Posted by SA July 16, 09 02:09 PM
  1. This guy sounds fake.

    First of all, he is a tad full of himself. I mean, being an attorney is nice, but he's only 25 and his career is just getting started. To say he has a good "career" isn't much because he doesn't have much of one yet. He is on a good career "path", depending on what type of attorney he is.

    Second of all, all of those little things can't define the relationship. He still needs a sincere personality that is likable, that is respected, and that is fun to be around. If you have all of those good qualities that women like and respect, then the little things like the flowers, the notes, and the walks on the beach will be great. But if you are a boring, self-centered, righteous doofus, then what's the point of bringing a girl lunch on a Tuesday?

    You must have a severe character flaw, and I think I know what it is based on your post. You say you're an intellectual, but you seem pretty vapid to me. Just because you are an attorney doesn't make you an intellectual or even intelligent. There is a huge difference between intelligence and specific career skills that you have been trained on. There are some doctors that are great, but they are still not that smart outside of their specific training skills. The same can be said for a mechanic. It's all the same, and it's not appropriate to transfer your educational learnings to your intellect. Most people get these two things confused, and sometimes think that they are brilliant because they are "highly educated". Not the case.

    Posted by Mikey "Insane" Monkeypants July 16, 09 02:09 PM
  1. You know what's creepy? When a guy you just had a few dates with, shows up at your work with a picnic lunch on a Tuesday. How does he know when you eat or what your eat for lunch or whether you have a lunch meeting or where you work for that matter... I mean, there's doing sweet things for a partner and then there's freaking a girl out (HA, I used girl!). Having a scripted strategy for wooing women is a sure sign of future failure. Like Merideth said, anyone (male or female) doesn't want to feel like someone is trying to convince him/her to fall in love with them. It just doesn't work that way. Also, you should try to let a woman find out whether you are intelligent, rather than just telling them. its often more effective.

    Posted by sibdee July 16, 09 02:12 PM
  1. No wonder this kid can't get a date, he lives in a fantasy world, and he is a loser.

    Posted by George July 16, 09 02:16 PM
  1. Interns are slow.......how am I supposed to procrastinate at work effectively with this delay?

    Posted by Monty July 16, 09 02:18 PM
  1. sorry hun, but at 25 you're still just a baby.

    Posted by trueluv4eva July 16, 09 02:19 PM
  1. You can find beauty, ambition and brains. I agree that it is off-putting to have a man want to pay for things in the beginning - it may mean he expects something in return. Treat a woman as your equal and you will be just fine. What if the woman you are dating doesn't like ice cream? Or has a meeting at lunch time on a Tuesday? No woman will fit your mold, you just have to play it by ear. I am suspicious of anyone trying to sweep me off my feet, the man I am falling for does just fine being himself, with no front.

    Posted by Gen July 16, 09 02:20 PM
  1. OTC (#32) - What's wrong with Suffolk?

    Posted by Rachel July 16, 09 02:20 PM
  1. I think LWL:

    A) waits precisely 30 minutes after eating before going in the pool
    B) wears tighty whities all the time, even underneath his bathing suit
    C) giggles and blushes at the sight of bra straps
    D) thinks a thong is a type of flip-flop
    E) doesn't understand why the waitress is confused when he asks for a frappe with two straws as the desert when out on a dinner date
    F) tucks in all his shirts
    G) has a dresser drawer full of tube socks to wear with his dungarees and tennis shoes
    H) likes to kick back after a brutal 8 hour work day and watch Oprah while flipping through TV Guide to see what's on Turner Classic Movies that night.

    Posted by Hoss's Arse July 16, 09 02:21 PM
  1. “All About You” Haiku

    Sweep not, my lovely
    Long walks on beach, come to bed
    Your red tide: Oh Sh#t!

    Posted by valentino July 16, 09 02:25 PM
  1. I like Robby Benson Movies!

    Posted by Ira Needleman July 16, 09 02:27 PM
  1. "Self-proclaimed Intellectual Naif Visits Love Letters with Predictable Results"
    Dude, those things around your head just might be clouds. Get out of there. Develop a little edge and see if that doesn't cut it a little better.

    Posted by Bony Melon July 16, 09 02:28 PM
  1. JUST IN:
    Numerous women have literally been swept into the street by a broom-weilding man. Women interviewed stated that the man identified as Mr. Sweepster attack them after they refused to eat grilled cheese sandwiches on a Tuesday afternoon.

    Posted by Anchored_By_Romance July 16, 09 02:33 PM
  1. LWL is rushing the romantic gestures. As a woman, I don't mind basic courtesy (holding doors, etc), and I make those gestures myself if I see someone who could use a hand. But the romantic gestures should be saved for when you really know and care about the lady. Otherwise, it comes across like a woman measuring the guy's windows for drapes on the second date. Or, for a guy, doing whatever it takes to get into a woman's pants. You don't want to rush love and romance, or you may find yourself facing a divorce attorney some day. Take your time, and enjoy the journey. And BTW, feminist is not necessarily anti-romantic. I am a feminist, and I love it when my boyfriend is romantic, because I know that his gestures actually mean something!

    Posted by Danskat July 16, 09 02:35 PM
  1. Hey, maybe he should buy a Barbie Doll. She is always looking for love, has an independent streak and her own car, but you better look out for her ex, Ken, as it seems she has an on/off come here/go away relationship with him that may not be healthy.

    Barbie is as plastic as what he wants, will love that he will pay for accessories and outfits which can be found at many retailers, and she will always look put together and fresh when standing on the podium in front of him as he campaigns. She's versatile--she can decorate a home or be part of the digital world.

    She's a madonna/whore type of celebrity with her own web site, which may be helpful when he launches his dazzling political career. Depending on his intended constituency, he can consider Tattoo Barbie to give that "alternative" feel. He can always make sure that he carries her in his hand that is not on the curbside, too. She doesn't speak, so she can't say anything to hurt his brilliant 40/hr week legal career. She's 50 years old but looks 16, so that will appeal to a whole range of perverts who vote.

    You go get her, dude, she is always available and you can mold her into whatever you want. I bet she likes ice cream, too.

    Posted by yupokay July 16, 09 02:35 PM
  1. Hey, maybe he should buy a Barbie Doll. She is always looking for love, has an independent streak and her own car, but you better look out for her ex, Ken, as it seems she has an on/off come here/go away relationship with him that may not be healthy.

    Barbie is as plastic as what he wants, will love that he will pay for accessories and outfits which can be found at many retailers, and she will always look put together and fresh when standing on the podium in front of him as he campaigns. She's versatile--she can decorate a home or be part of the digital world.

    She's a madonna/whore type of celebrity with her own web site, which may be helpful when he launches his dazzling political career. Depending on his intended constituency, he can consider Tattoo Barbie to give that "alternative" feel. He can always make sure that he carries her in his hand that is not on the curbside, too. She doesn't speak, so she can't say anything to hurt his brilliant 40/hr week legal career. She's 50 years old but looks 16, so that will appeal to a whole range of perverts who vote.

    You go get her, dude, she is always available and you can mold her into whatever you want. I bet she likes ice cream, too.

    Posted by yupokay July 16, 09 02:35 PM
  1. Amazed, TMI.

    Posted by Sally July 16, 09 02:38 PM
  1. LWL, Doris Day and Mrs. Cleaver are too old (or dead) for you mate! It's men like you that will keep the dreaded Princessdom going, in perpetuity. Marry one, give birth to more. Little notes? Bringing lunch to her at work? Do you drape your raincoat over puddles? I bet you are the type who would send roses to a woman, at her office, just so everyone could see how "wonderful" you are. What a creep! You should have a bright political future.

    Posted by MidLifeWife July 16, 09 02:45 PM
  1. I wanted to be swept off my feet. I watched Sleepless in Seattle 1 million times growing up and wanted just that thing. Oh, to be Meg Ryan in all of those movies... Then I got the romantic comedy spheel and it was annoying. I dumped any guy who was overly sappy because although I wanted it sometimes, I also wanted to be appreciated for my education, my career, and the life I have made for myself (and I am not a feminist, I am more of an Elle Woods if anything).

    I believe, in my case, that real love is more than what this man wants. It's the becoming a team that is great. It is working together, being goof balls around each other. It's not about the romantic dinners or about the flowers. Those things are nice, but they don't trump the conversations, the feelings, the building a future together, the jumping over hurdles together, the sticking through the not so glorious times (because everyone couple has them). Those things aren't in movies. And if you put aside the romatic comedy fantasy, you will find that real life is much better than any movie could be, and the humans aren't fictitious characters. Humans have their quirks, and if you love someone enough to look past their quirks you will find something grand. Besides, I'd get tired of candlelit dinners, flowers, and jewelry constantly for 30+ years. It would not be special after a while and would lose its lustre.

    And be patient- you are very young still! These things come with time. Patience is a virtue. I waited a long time to my find love and used to get so ticked off in my twenties. Now, I wouldn't trade in my guy for anything. Not even if it meant sparing me romatic angst in my twenties.

    Posted by it takes time, a whole lot of spending time July 16, 09 02:54 PM
  1. it sounds like you just want to fall in love......the romance stuff comes naturally after that you can't it. if you're not in love then it does not seem natural and, well, creepy.

    Posted by boredinacubicle July 16, 09 02:57 PM
  1. You probably come on too strong too fast. This can cause girls/women to think you are just trying to get in their pants, or they could just get freaked. Most women do not dislike romance, they just want to know its genuine. Give her time to develop feelings...she will appreciate your romance more and know it's true.

    Posted by Meg July 16, 09 02:57 PM
  1. I have a sister, she is beautiful, and she divorced, recently she engaged to an
    attorney, I just didn't think he is good enough for her, one of my friend both agree
    that all lawyers are scum of the earth anyway. Lawyers, should marry lawyers
    doctors should be with doctors. engineer should go with engieer. CPA should
    deal with CPA. I am happier if my husband is an engineer.

    Posted by stephanie July 16, 09 02:59 PM
  1. "and have always been a sucker for intellectuals like myself"

    answer to you problems: date another suffolk grad - you all suffer from an unexplainable fascination with yourselves for attending a 4th tier law school.

    Posted by skinnylatte July 16, 09 02:59 PM
  1. Ha! Ha! I just got an image of this guy and Amy, the girl "guys can't handle," out on a date. Ha! Ha!

    Posted by christina July 16, 09 03:04 PM
  1. Lots of harsh responses. Give me a break about getting on his case for using "girl". (Didn't they cover this in a Murphy Brown episode years ago)?

    I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to be romantic. If that's what you want in a relationship, you should try to get it. Just understand that the girl (ha! I used this term) may want something different. This doesn't make her an angry feminist or a gold-digger. It just means that your gestures don't float her boat.

    I don't think there's anything wrong with certain chivalrous acts (holding doors, picking up the tab) if it comes across as you simply being polite. But, just be polite, and don't force it.

    True romantic gestures, however, are about knowing what the other person wants or needs and providing it. You really need to get to know a person before you can be really romantic. I think Meredith's advice is very good (as usual).

    Posted by two sheds July 16, 09 03:04 PM
  1. Ira Needleman #259: Brilliant! I just had such a good laugh in my cube. Thanks!!

    Posted by MidLifeWife July 16, 09 03:08 PM
  1. Does this remind anyone else of "Dumb and Dumber"?
    "There are just no jobs out there!"
    "Yah, not unless you wanna work 40 hours a week!"

    Posted by 40hours!?!@$ July 16, 09 03:09 PM
  1. I wish more men were like you. I am in my late 20s, I have a career and make the same money as my husband and am involved in all desicions equally with him. However I love that he opens doors, drives me, pays for me all the time, although its coming from the same bank account since we moved in together) and otherwise acts like a gentleman. I woudn't have it any other way when a lover treats you like you are a roommate or a coworker. Why not have it all ladies?

    Posted by Maya July 16, 09 03:15 PM
  1. #257 awesome. simply awesome.

    #267 - great name - Geo. Harrison is one of the best. And Cloud Nine was a great album. Sweet video too.

    but the best of all was #240. That's the best comeback I've seen on here in some time. Keep it up.

    Posted by BroadcastingSOSMessagesToNoOne July 16, 09 03:17 PM
  1. "Be a friend.".....thats the worst advice ive ever heard....yeah as soon as ""Be a friend" you guys can go clothes shopping and pick out your favorite hannah montana cd....good lord....thats the problem when a guy is being a honest and wants to sweep you off your feet, you get mad, like you kidding me? fine go take a long walk off a short cliff......when will women learn that NOT ALL GUYS are creeps and just want whats in your pants, damn!

    Posted by NiceGuysFinishLAST! July 16, 09 03:18 PM
  1. Man, you paid a lot for an education that has rendered you emotionally retarded. Love and life, unlike law, are not cut and dry. As Steven Tyler said, "Life is a journey, not a destination". Live a little! I'm 24 and know significantly more than you about the notion on "love". You can't simply make it happen by being a great guy, or by looking for it. It's something that randomly happens, and those who seek it never find it. I was a sophomore in college, not looking to "date" any girl more than 2 or 3 times, and then, BOOM, I fell in love over the course of the three weeks leading up to Christmas break, and stayed together for the following four years. I've since had my heart broken by her, but it's made me more in tune with how relationships work.
    My advice:
    1. You're still young, so don't ever rush it. It will happen when it happens.
    2. If you do find love, don't blow it. It's incredibly rare. Don't confuse it with the initial infatuation, which wears off quickly.
    3. Talk WAY less. Let the girl/woman/lady/cougar do 90% of the talking. It will leave you with an air of mystique. You can't say anything stupid if you don't say anything at all.
    4. If you're looking for a nice girl to settle down with, either look for woman that has hit 30, or get out of Boston. Boston is a single's city, where settling down doesn't happen in your 20's. Maybe try Cambridge?

    That's all.

    Posted by Dizzle July 16, 09 03:25 PM
  1. are you sure you're not gay?

    Posted by linda July 16, 09 03:27 PM
  1. Hoss! I was having a bad day until I found your comment. Right on, Jerry, ...oops! sorry, I mean Hoss. lol

    Posted by Nada July 16, 09 03:28 PM
  1. I don't understand why everyone is being so hard on this poor guy. Romantics do exist, though it can be hard to find them in this ever-faster, increasingly cynical world. My husband used to describe himself as a "hopeful romantic" before we met. We've been together for 9 years now and married for 7. He still brings me flowers for no reason, occasionally leaves cards on my pillow, etc. And, yes, he always insists on walking on the outside of the sidewalk. I have my own career and have never felt that he in any way disrespects me or doesn't value my intellect. I think it's sweet to show the one you love how important they are to you, and wouldn't trade him for anyone.

    Posted by Loved and content July 16, 09 03:29 PM
  1. I have never commented here, but I feel compelled to a little. For one, I think you guys are being very harsh on the guy in some aspects. There is no need to literally be upset and offended by someone who opens the door, or offers to pay for your dinner. Some people are just brought up that way. I think it's similar to people who refer to their friends' parents as Mr. and Mrs., versus first names. Am I rude for showing respect and courtesy?
    However, I also think the man is lost and delusional if he thinks he is uncapable of finding these qualities in a woman. Some would consider me masculine and ambitious. I am a year younger than him, but I have finished my MBA, played college sports, and am working towards my CFA. I think I'm just an ambitious person, and I don't think it really matters what my gender is to be honest. I am from a region where I walk on the outside of the curb, I let ladies go first, and I open the doors. I have done all these things for my girlfriend, who loves them......and is a FEMINIST. She loves cheesy romantic things, but also pays her own way, and is very ambitious. She is currently getting her Masters as well, while working full time. The craziest thing is that she is hilarious, beautiful, and smart. I think the reason we work is that I consider her my partner, not my subordinate, not to mention that we were friends for eight months before we started dating. It seems like you are insecure, and need someone that you feel you have to take care of so you feel better about yourself and can boost your ego. In addition, when you begin buying all that stuff, especially the jewelry after three weeks, then it shows desperation, which also leads the women to wonder what is wrong with this guy that he hasn't been able to get a woman before now?
    Another note, for women who are complaining about the girl comment......RELAX. It wouldn't have bothered you if the feminist comment didn't preceed it, and how often are we called boys.

    Posted by Man with Feminist July 16, 09 03:35 PM
  1. Rico is right if the letter writer isn't buying expensive gifts at 3 weeks. My guess is the girls are looking for gifts, not that he is supplying them. I think he is making an assumption and not saying he is actually dropping huge cash on them so soon. The fact is I have dated a lot in Boston and luckily met a great girl that was right for me so from my experience I met a lot of the same types of girls this writer is talking about. He wrote a couple paragraphs so it is safe to assume there is a lot more to the story and the highlights are just that, not the total picture.

    It does sound like a personals ad on boston.com for free but give him credit for taking a shot.

    Suffolk tier 4? Whatever, I know many Suffolk lawyers that could and have run circles around a Harvard or BC grad...BC is not all that anyway.

    How many times did it take him to pass the bar? Age 25 I assume first try...not bad for a Suffolk grad and probably charges less per hour than a BC or Harvard grad with less attitude for the same quality work.

    Now go back to chasing ambulances and stop chasing the wrong chicks.

    Rico's #1 Fan

    Posted by President of Rico's fan club July 16, 09 03:36 PM
  1. well, depends on the chemistry between two people. if you really like a guy then little things he does are nice and appreciative but if you dont fancy him that much, then the same stuff can get on your nerves.

    in my experience, because i happen to make more money than a lot of guys i meet, i have been on dates where i have had to pay because the guys wont even offer!!! and not that i expect a guy to pay for me, i am like where is the chivalry gone!!! well, i guess am a homeless romantic too, to some extent.

    Posted by my two cents July 16, 09 03:36 PM
  1. Once you are out of the courtroom or office, forget you are a lawyer. Be yourself, not your job, and you would see people differently. People can tell how you see them and respond accordingly.

    Meredith is right. In relationships, there is no such thing as sweeping someone off her feet. The last time I saw a guy successfully swept a gal off her feet it was on a skiing slope.

    Posted by BeYourselfNotYourJob July 16, 09 03:37 PM
  1. Long ago in a far away land men used to walk on the inside because people would empty their chamber pots out the window and, well you get the picture.
    Men shifted to the outside in the horse and buggy days so they would get splashed instead of the woman. Either way, it's all good.

    Posted by Henry VIII July 16, 09 03:39 PM
  1. Haha this guy is gonna be the male version of Ally McBeal in 10 years! Love it!

    Posted by Ally M July 16, 09 03:52 PM
  1. Sorry, Dude, I'm spoken for. But good luck with OK Cupid - that's where I met my boyfriend!

    Posted by OK Cupid Fan July 16, 09 03:55 PM
  1. The "curb" thing has a more checkered past than you think. It originated in the days before regular garbage pick-up or flush toilets. In those days, woman walked on the inside so the *man* wouldn't be soiled if someone threw their garbage or... other stuff out the window.

    These days it's a bit out-dated, but what isnt?

    Posted by bidemytime July 16, 09 04:10 PM
  1. I think we should all thank the Globe interns for a fine and fast job today. Way to pull through for the not-enough-to-do-at-work today crowd.

    Posted by Sally July 16, 09 04:13 PM
  1. Forget Boston woman..

    Cell phones, Shopping on Newbury and trying to out do their friends...

    Great city, but the woman are horrible.

    They will drop you in a heartbeat if they feel their friends are beating them to the alter...

    Move to New York...

    Posted by Jocie July 16, 09 04:15 PM
  1. Moderation, LWL. Don't ever stop being a gentleman. But keep your head about you - you don't want to turn into a dish rag.

    Thanks, Valentino #259. I almost shot a mouthful of Snapple out my nose.

    Posted by Joe July 16, 09 04:17 PM
  1. What kind of lawyer only works 40+ hours a week???? This guy is a hack.

    Posted by dudeyousuck July 16, 09 04:18 PM
  1. Date someone you go to church with. LDS and some Catholic women sound perfect for this guy.

    Posted by NotMyName July 16, 09 04:24 PM
  1. I agree with many of the commenters that LWL's problem isn't paying for things or being too "chivalrous," but maybe coming on too strong with all that stuff. I'm a mid-20's male, from the South, and on dates -- even first dates -- I generally offer to pay. I think the key is to not make a big deal out of it. I give it one back-and-forth of her saying, "oh, let's split it," and me saying, "no, let me get this one," and then I do whatever my date wants. If she'll let me pay at that point, I'd love to, but if she is committed to splitting it, then I'm fine with that, too. There's nothing offensive to my Southern sensibilities about splitting, and I would hope there's nothing offensive about me offering to pay, either.

    The only idea in some of these comments that I want to counter is the women who say, "if he pays, he'll expect something." If on a first or second date you're already worried about this tit-for-tat, clearly things are not working out. My motivation for offering to pay is never that I think I'll get something out of it -- honestly, what man would seriously think a woman is more likely to sleep with him because he paid for an entree? -- but because I enjoy it. It's a nice thing to do, just like when I'm out with a male friend for a drink and say, "I'll get this one."

    Maybe LWL needs a little advice about coming on too strong, but come on y'all, he seems to have good manners and is interested in a more fulfilling relationship than just physical intimacy. That's more than can be said for all too many men around town. So cut him a little slack.

    Posted by blockerdu July 16, 09 04:25 PM
  1. What is this "Suffolk Law School" you speak of? is that a satellite campus for Strayer? Are you sure you're allowed to call yourself a lawyer? 40 hours a week? what kind of lawyer?

    Posted by Sully Sullerson July 16, 09 04:30 PM
  1. These comments say it all. You are not going to meet the kind of woman you are looking for in Boston. They do exist but they do not come out of the liberal, profeminist New England colleges. Move south, move west, just move. And it will be Boston's loss but the Boston women will be too busy career building and male bashing to ever notice. Good luck.

    Posted by Captain Joe July 16, 09 04:31 PM
  1. I just read recently that us Gen X'ers have paved the way for the Gen Y'ers to want to be wives and Stay at Home moms. Our ambition has turned them off and they would rather be "taken care of" rather than work. So I am sure you will find someone who wants that world of being a doting wife and mother and if you are lucky you will find that you two also enjoy each other's company. Perhaps if I met someone like you in my 20's I would be a stay at home wife and mother, but alas, I am one of those evil working mothers who ship my kids off to before and after-school care.

    In all seriousness however, when you fall in love accept that person for who she is, whether she works or wants to stay home. Neither of you will have to try that hard to impress the other one and you will all be one big happy family.

    Oh wait. Was that just in the last book I read?

    Posted by Gen X'er July 16, 09 04:31 PM
  1. You are looking for a "lady" and, unfortunately, there aren't too many of those left. I appreciate all that "women's lib" gave women a choice, and ensured our rights, but somehow the choice of being a lady became frowned upon. I am a die hard "lady" and I expect a "gentleman" to pay for dinner when he takes me out, open the door, and am impressed when he knows to walk between me and the curb. The kind of companion you are looking for will appreciate your standards. The kind of woman you don't want will despise you for them. I suggest that you look examine your core values and then think about where ladies that share your values could be found. A church or place of worship might serve you well!

    Posted by Lil' Mama July 16, 09 04:33 PM
  1. Fwiw, I've actually run into the second type of girl he describes here fairly often. (And in our 20's I don't see anything at all wrong with using girl/boy. I don't care if someone calls me a boy, and I use the term girl out of habit.) I'm 26 and a lawyer. I don't pay big-ticket within a few weeks of knowing someone, but I can definitely tell when some girls start paying more attention once they find out what I do. You can actually see that moment in the conversation when she suddenly becomes *very* interested in everything you have to say. Honestly, by this point I tend to avoid telling girls what I do altogether; I'd rather she walk away.

    I do think the comments here have been pretty harsh, although it sounds like LWL is probably coming on too strong too fast. You don't need the large romantic gestures off the bat, start slower. Especially with old fashioned things; these days rushing to pull out a chair or hold a door generally seems forced and awkward. If you happen to be standing there go for it, but otherwise just relax. (And I can't tell you how many girls I know who've been put off by guys showing up on the first date with roses in hand.)

    Altogether, just relax man. But do cool off on using the term "feminist" as a pejorative. Just because she doesn't like you doesn't mean she's some sort of militant horror. It just didn't work.

    Posted by DC Lawyer July 16, 09 04:39 PM
  1. Clearly John Henry wrote this letter and somehow, it got lost in the mail. Since he penned this letter, those goofy notes he left in his sweetie's car and apartment have been published in Boston Magazine, and he's married and is "treating like a lady" his trophy wife - oh, wait, his 4th trophy wife.
    Be careful what you wish for, LWL. Get real, grow up, get over yourself, and try to re-enter the real world on the way back down from your ego trip.

    Posted by Jetta July 16, 09 04:56 PM
  1. Somehow, I doubt this Suffolk gem is employed at all. For those who are unaware, this is the worst legal market ever, by far. Large firms are going throu mass layoffs, state governments have hiring freezes, small law firms, for the most part, barely survive competition with each other, and now have legalzoom and the like to drive prices lower. Only the feds are hiring, and they look for the blueblood degrees as much as any Cravath or Ropes do. I personally know people from BC, BU, Harvard, and Columbia Law Schools who graduated this year or last and have no jobs. As a previous commenter noted, Suffolk isn't in the top fifty law schools. In fact, it isn't in the top ONE HUNDRED fifty law schools. I imagine the percentage of '08 Suffolk grads with actual legal jobs (inc. law firms, gov't, public interest, etc) is less than 30%. I would wager that this fellow is doing contract work for $/hour, is unemployed,, or working at Best Buy.

    Posted by Cynic July 16, 09 04:57 PM
  1. Remember the Sex in the City episode... "The Ick Factor" That's what this reminded me of. However, he can have my number -- I am ready to be on the receiving end of things :o)

    Posted by kayteestinch July 16, 09 05:08 PM
  1. What does being a Lawyer have anything to do with your warped view of dating because your older sisters made you watch chic-flicks? I actually know a 38 y/o lawyer like you and he the most miserable man I know. Every chic gets scared off and dumps him. I think he's starting to focus on the same team if you know what I mean... I think that might be an option for you. Treat a women like you would a very good friend. That's all...

    Great advice Meredith!!

    Posted by Paul from Wellesley July 16, 09 05:12 PM
  1. I think you should ask for advice from the Gov. of South Carolina. You two kids are like two peas in a pod.

    Posted by Paul from Wellesley July 16, 09 05:17 PM
  1. Why in the hell are these 'women' so critical? This guy is talking about treating women with respect. He never once said anything about hitting them, neglecting them, or talking bad in any way about women in general. Most 'women' act like girls anyways. I don't get some 'women'... and I'd like to think I am one. Grow up. No wonder half of you are probably single and lonely.

    Posted by hahajoke July 16, 09 05:28 PM
  1. Girls like it when you call them "Skirts" or "Sweaters"

    Posted by k July 16, 09 05:28 PM
  1. Mob of "man haters" are skewering this kid. Never thought Mer would be one of them. He is socially insecure, and a victim of "nice guys finish last" in his dating. He is just a young kid, and is trying too hard. Get off his back.

    Hoss is the "most interesting man alive" guy from the Dos Equis commercials. Hoss, beloved by all the women on LL. He speaks french, in Russian. His arrogance preceeds him.Hoss is the one who is gay. Thats why women love him and congregate to him.

    Sally is Bea Arthur. Old and grouchy. Judgmental. Do you know what "big fish in a little pond" is? Get over yourself and try for a little understanding. This kid is 25 yrs old.

    Kathleen, great response as usual. Measured, and thoughful. I would have Sally Field play you in the LL movie. I like Sally Field!

    Rico would be Ricardo Maltoban. Enough said.

    This kid just needs to tone it down a notch, when he meets girls. Treat your committed partner like that, not a date.

    Posted by billy13 July 16, 09 05:35 PM
  1. Gosh, I think he sounds wonderful. What the hell is wrong with you people who chastise him? Is he THAT much of a threat?

    There is nothing wrong with his wanting what he wants and unfortunately this may be a case where Massachusetts women are just too cynical to trust that this man wants to be old school and treat a lady like a lady.

    She's out there - give it time. You're very young.and you should take the time to find the right woman, a woman who will allow you to be her knight in shining armor. Don't let the MA bitchiness get you down :-)

    Posted by Tam67 July 16, 09 05:36 PM
  1. HEY #39, you can't be a “proud chauvinist" until you learn to spell. Until then, you're just another woman-hating illiterate.

    Posted by Kates Nonna July 16, 09 05:53 PM
  1. After reading LWL's letter, the response, and the numerous comments, I have two thoughts.

    First, several of the comments seem to take offense at LWLs use of the term "girl." While I'm inclined to have a similar knee-jerk reaction to this particular choice of words, I think everyone should take a step back and look at the reality of the situation. Women call themselves girls. We have Girls Night Out and Girls Weekend. How many times have you recently gone to dinner with your "women" or gone to spin class with your "woman-friend"? We might not like it when guys say it, but we do it all the time. Furthermore, how often do you read articles or advice columns were a woman is looking for the perfect "guy"? How often do you see men get offended when we refer to them as "guys"? "Girl" and "guy" are colloquial terms. Don't read so much into it.

    Second, I think that there is an important lesson that a lot of men need to learn about romance and chivarly. I know plently of guys that define romance much the same way LWL does -- romantic dinners, opened doors, heroic acts of bravery walking on the street side of the sidewalk. The problem with this is two-fold. First, in any relationship, I like to feel like I am doing as many nice things for the other person as he is for me. I don't get upset when a guy opens a door for me -- that's very nice of him. However, I don't see why it's a problem if I happen to open a door for him. Second, I can say with 100% certainty that the most romantic things have nothing to do with doors or sidewalks or elaborate, home-cooked third date dinners. Instead, real romance is doing the dishes when I'm exhausted and have been at work all day, or vacuuming on the weekends without my having to ask, or letting me choose what to watch on TV (even if there is a repeat of Sports Center on ESPN2), or reaching for my hand without even thinking about it. True romance is in the little things that make up a shared life.

    Posted by Rachel July 16, 09 05:54 PM
  1. As a 24 year old woman (or girl makes no difference to me) I say keep your good manners and be chivalrous, someone who was raised the same way will appreciate you for it, and I for one wouldn't mind meeting a guy like you.

    Posted by Elizabeth July 16, 09 05:59 PM
  1. Really, LWL, you're not going to find a woman who is feminine, bright, romantic, career-successful if you keep calling her a "girl," or, worse, that Victorian term for a gentlewoman who may not be an aristocrat but is genteel, "lady." You used the words "girl" or "girls" 7 times in your letter. "Lady" is out of date. Often it's phrased as an insult - "hey lady!" I think you want a 1950s type of partnership. For that, I refer you to the Website, Taken in Hand.

    BTW - Plenty of feminists, the real ones, are happy to be treated with kindness.

    Not sure I would go around bragging about Suffolk Law School - maybe BU, certainly not Suffolk.

    Posted by reindeergirl July 16, 09 06:48 PM
  1. I couldn't slog through all 315 posts so I apologize if this was already posted. Men walk on the outside so that when folks heave the contents of their chamber pot out the second floor window and it arcs away from the building it hits the man walking on the outside, not the woman walking closer to the building.

    A *very* old custom, indeed.

    Posted by Triviabuff July 16, 09 07:51 PM
  1. #313, et al: I don't agree that "guy" is the equivalent of "girl." (obviously, I don't dispute that people use them as equivalents all the time) "Guy" does not have any particular age associated with it, but "girl" necessarily means a non-adult. (and despite the behavior of some 25-year-olds, or their desire not to grow up, they ARE adults) Using that word to refer to adult women makes them second-class citizens. There's no female equivalent that doesn't sound patronizing (gals, ladies), so the only appropriate word is "women." You can't go wrong with accuracy. For people who use "girls" but also refer to men as "boys," I don't see anything sexist about that but I still think accuracy should prevail. The problem, which I have written more than one letter to the Globe about (surprise, surprise, I know), is when people use "girls" and "men" to refer to same-age peers. (most recent time I caught it was "3 men accused of rape in a Holy Cross dorm," 10/24/08, when female college students were called "girls" but the 19- and 21-year-old alleged perpetrators were called "men." Note the vulnerability that the word "girl" imparts to a rape victim.

    I personally never say "girlfriends" to refer to my female friends (what's wrong with plain old "friends"?), and I always thought "girls'/boys' night out" was tongue-in-cheek. I guess not.

    Posted by proudfeminist July 16, 09 08:31 PM
  1. RE: "and have always been a sucker for intellectuals like myself""
    it's :"like me." if you want to keep the intellectuals happy.

    My advice is to go a lot slower with the gifts and gestures,, so she gets to know you a bit and is comfortable with you. Once she's secure that you're for real, you can ratchet it way up if that's how you actually feel about her and she'll love it if she's into you.

    Come on strong like that in the beginning and it gets translated as "scary" and inappropriate by a lot of people (and probably is) Come on strong like that after she's a little comfortable around you and relaxes and it will come off as "exciting". Assuming she's into you of course.

    BTW, any woman under 30 who bristles at being referred to as a "girl" in good spirit by someone who actually appreciates her as a person is just insecure. Which is nothing bad, just a fact (in my opinion). You don't refer to your girlfriend (note the word "girl" in the term ) as "womanfriend" unless it's practically a sex only relationship or if she's 40 or above. It just sounds bad.

    Especially since women refer to themselves as "girls" all the time.


    Posted by steve in w ma July 16, 09 09:00 PM
  1. I would love to meet you. I am looking for true love. It seems impossible to find a man that is looking for the same. I am your age, attractive, nice, smart, etc. I give permission to boston.com to give you my email if you want it........

    Posted by I understand July 16, 09 09:08 PM
  1. I <3 proudfeminist.

    Posted by reindeergirl July 16, 09 10:36 PM
  1. +1 on the prententious tool. And dude, you are 25. Are you that desperate?

    Posted by Joe July 16, 09 11:10 PM
  1. OMG! do you think Rico (#128) took # 35's advice, traveled back to inhabit his young, romantic self, and wrote this letter to Mer from decades past, just so he could answer it from his present wealth of maturity and wisdom?

    Posted by Big fan of DrK July 16, 09 11:34 PM
  1. Dear LWL,

    I am 26 years old and work in the accounting/finance field. Like you, my job also requires more than 40 hours per week. On a fairly regular basis, I have expressed similar concerns to my friends - what good is being successful if you do not have anyone to share your life with? While I do have a career and work to live up to my potential, I do not fall into the first bucket of women you described; I strongly believe that finding love is most important. I have been called old-fashioned, and the mere fact that I am writing this response is out of character for me. I think your letter was really sweet, and I am shocked at the responses it garnered. At the risk of sounding forward, I wonder if there is some way to contact you without posting personal contact info on the internet? Meredith, perhaps you could expand your talents from advice-giver to matchmaker?

    Posted by Ready to Find Love July 17, 09 12:25 AM
  1. dude - you only got into suffolk law...so you are not an intellectual, ok? now go chase some ambulances and your slip-n-falls. i agree, this guy is a tool all the way.

    Posted by syuasa July 17, 09 05:11 AM
  1. If you hadn't begun your letter stating your credentials like a resume, the letter may have had a whole other tone. However, because you stated that first, that is with out a doubt the most important thing you think about yourself. You never mention that among your attributes is a love of Sartre or surfing or knitting. You never mention your volunteer work or how you rescued a cat from a gutter. You need to work on yourself. Get some hobbies, train for a marathon. Your think women want an attorney husband, but they don't. They want a successful husband with the definition of success being fulfilled in life, both professionally and personally.

    Next time you meet a woman at a bar, do not begin a conversation with,"I'm a 25 year old attorney who graduated from Suffolk Law. I want to be your senator but I need to marry a Jackie O in order to get there. I am sucker for intellectuals like myself, but not so much so that you will be offended by my random displays of chivalry."

    See if you can get through the first ten minutes without mentioning what you do for a living or where you went to school.


    Posted by Amanda July 17, 09 07:44 AM
  1. I hate that some women don't even know what the term feminist means. Look, many of the behaviors noted are exactly why LWL is having trouble. That said, we've all given him some important advice as he asked for and there is someone for everyone. Don't like him, move on. Second, I am in my 30's, female, make enough to buy my own Abe & Louis dinner, own a home, etc., but I take no offense to the term girls or anyone opening a door for me. Do we think that is what feminism is about these days? Back in the 60s/70s and the Feminine Mystique, yes. Now, no. We have become an overly sensitive culture in all the wrong ways. I am deathly afraid of using a term I had no idea was offensive to anyone to begin with. We all are - admit it. I think its far, far simpler than we make it out to be. Basic human nature is that people want to be loved and cared for and if its done out of respect, it works. If its not genuine, it will show. Why is everyone so critical?!

    Posted by Carol July 17, 09 07:46 AM
  1. I think you have latent homosexual tendencies... did you ever "experiment" in college with your frosh roommate?

    Posted by Six Feet Under July 17, 09 07:48 AM
  1. hahajoke says "He never once said anything about hitting them, neglecting them, or talking bad in any way" and equates that with "respect". And this was allegedly from a woman! Talk about setting the bar extremely low.

    That's right, "girls", don't expect more than that, you "overeducated" "liberal" "mob of man hating" "cynical" "New England" "pro-feminist" "insecure" "militant horrors"!

    Some misfit who isn't having luck with the "ladies" writes in, and it turns into a bashing of strong, confident women. Perhaps instead of a LL mixer, there needs to be anger management mixers for these reprobates.

    Posted by yupokay July 17, 09 08:04 AM
  1. What's romance, anyway? If it sticks, it's really compassion. All the sweet things
    we do for the person we love. The flaws we overlook. The tenderness that grows over the years. It can last forever. Really it can.
    What doesn't work very well? When a person - man or woman - arrives at the scene of a first date with the invisible "cage" - ready to snap open and contain the other, with no real interest in who this person really is.
    jazzgirl

    Posted by hessie swain July 17, 09 08:14 AM
  1. You are a stalker. It is that simple. Get yourself some professional help.

    Posted by aod July 17, 09 08:18 AM
  1. 315 reindergirl? BU over Suffolk? Please...BU has historically been a safety school, BC is over-rated undergrad and decent for Law, Harvard is the cream of the crop and Suffolk is just as good as the second tier schools if not better than many of them. After Harvard isn't everything else just a wannabe anyhow? I'll take a Suffolk grad over BU any day of the week. The only good thing about BU is the ratio of women to men...oh how I love to wander up commonwealth ave and check out the young girls :) Nothing better than a co-ed in a short skirt or tight pants to start off the day or end it with a smile.

    Hey letter writer, there is a good idea for you. Shaw's on Commonwealth Ave during the school year!!!

    Posted by Suffolk is better than BU July 17, 09 08:30 AM
  1. You are a tool. Go post an ad on Craigslist if you want a girl that bad.

    Posted by Robin July 17, 09 08:49 AM
  1. PICK ME PICK ME!!!!!
    I want all those things!

    Posted by Lilshorty98 July 17, 09 08:52 AM
  1. You are a creep! You work 40 hours a week? SO DO WE!!

    Post your woes on Craigsilst. Title the ad "I'm full of myself".

    Posted by Gwenn July 17, 09 08:53 AM
  1. Dear LW,

    I do agree with Meredith in some spots - but she was a bit rough on you. Yes you should definitely slow down your 'sweep them off their feet' approach. You need to know if the girl is worthy of being swept, aka, a good match for you. Stop wasting your time being that romantic with every single girl you date because then it comes across as empty gestures. Save that kind of romance for someone who deserves it!

    As for "walk on the outside of the curb" - I love that and would totally notice. My husband doesn't do it (and it doesn't bother me that he doesn’t) but my dad always did it (and still does). I think it’s just a nice gesture to show that you’re concerned for a person’s safety, not necessarily a romantic one though. My dad never let any woman or child walk on the outside of the curb.

    You sound like a nice guy who’s just trying too hard. Stop showering people with gifts to make them like you. Give these short relationships a chance to develop! I don’t think you need to wait too long to make dinner on dates and go get ice cream – but definitely make sure it’s someone’s birthday or big event before you start handing out jewelry and purses! If you wait to spoil someone with your finances, you’ll keep running into those women who are only with you for your money.

    Posted by Mrs. Opinionated July 17, 09 09:11 AM
  1. Ok lets get real. I totally agree with Mere. Slow down and get to know these women first. 3 weeks is "way to soon" to buy a women expensive gifts. No wonder you keep getting shafted. Develope a friendship/relationship with them first. Get to know her likes and dislikes. Then sweep her off her feet. Not all women like roses and chocolate.
    *For example, I like exoctic flowers and color. I hate red roses. I love chocolate covered almonds. I hate assorted boxed chocolates.
    It makes it so much more meaningful and romantic when you know your partner and make it more personalized, then just a general romantic gesture. Just try it and see. Then you will find someone who deserves and appreciate your love.

    Posted by Lilshorty98 July 17, 09 09:19 AM
  1. I'ma sucka for corn rows and manicured toes (hey)
    Fendi capri pants and Parasuco's

    Posted by Nelly July 17, 09 09:25 AM
  1. My favorite scene in Goodwill Hunting is when Robin Williams is talking about his wife. And he tells Damon that when his wife would fart in her sleep. One time she even woke herself up it was so loud. And he laughs and says "10 years later, and those are the things I remember."

    Before you start the cute letters and the romance, make sure you are doing it for a woman who you like because of those quirks, because of the things that make her her, and not just a checklist of pretty, good school, likes animals

    Posted by E July 17, 09 09:41 AM
  1. Don't go out looking for someone to love as if it's a mission to accomplish (simply make it a habit to be kind and thoughtful to every human being you meet each day)...love is like a butterfly, it lands on your shoulder before you know it....and that someone will sweep off your feet before you know it.

    Posted by sconsetbogs July 17, 09 10:27 AM
  1. All those who want to contact LW, simply post your email address in the comment, like this: sweepmeoffmyfeet@anytime.com

    Posted by The Dude July 17, 09 10:36 AM
  1. I think some of the posts are being too hard on Lost. He's just not framing it in a good way. Personally, I do like having the door opened and chair pulled out for me and all those "southern" niceties, but only because it's polite and nice, not because I can't do it myself or not because I'm a feeble woman. What makes it sweet is that it's unnecessary, almost like a luxury. However, those sweet gestures do not make romance; Meredith is absolutely right in saying that you need to get to know a person first so that you can have a good grasp of what's romantic for that person. Some people think a suprise trip to a baseball game is romantic, etc.

    You want a woman who won't need you, who can stand on her own, but who will appreciate all the little "romantic" things you are willing to do for her. That's what you're looking for. And it has nothing to do with feminism or living in the 50's.

    Posted by Chi July 17, 09 10:44 AM
  1. I think some of the posts are being too hard on Lost. He's just not framing it in a good way. Personally, I do like having the door opened and chair pulled out for me and all those "southern" niceties, but only because it's polite and nice, not because I can't do it myself or not because I'm a feeble woman. What makes it sweet is that it's unnecessary, almost like a luxury. However, those sweet gestures do not make romance; Meredith is absolutely right in saying that you need to get to know a person first so that you can have a good grasp of what's romantic for that person. Some people think a suprise trip to a baseball game is romantic, etc.

    You want a woman who won't need you, who can stand on her own, but who will appreciate all the little "romantic" things you are willing to do for her. That's what you're looking for. And it has nothing to do with feminism or living in the 50's.

    Posted by Chi July 17, 09 10:45 AM
  1. Last time I checked, Suffolk Law didn't turn out many intellectuals.

    Posted by Dukakis in a tank July 17, 09 11:00 AM
  1. I think being a lawyer puts one in a disadvantage when it comes to finding love. There is a stereotype going on against lawyers, politicians, etc. However, I once had a lawyer neighbor who was as nice and down-to-earlth as anyone.

    The letter writer sounds like a person who is nice and gentle by nature, who happens to be a lawyer. Some people may sneer at this manner and courtesy as fake, but it will be unnatural for him to act any other way.

    The only two things that I want to say to him are: 1) forget his education and job and be himself, and 2) don't try too hard. Slow things down, get to know the other person and let the other person has a chance to know him as a person.

    I don't understand why some women take offense at being treated nicely. Since when using innocent terms such as girl or lady to address a woman is considered bad? Is it possible that some of us have a hobby of spending their days looking for things to be offended?

    Posted by aGoodPersonIsAGoodPerson July 17, 09 11:04 AM
  1. PSEUDO-INTELLECTUAL

    PSEUDO-INTELLECTUAL

    PSEUDO-INTELLECTUAL

    PSEUDO-INTELLECTUAL

    No woman having the slightest degree of actual intellect would be able to tolerate someone so delusional. There’s nothing more repulsive than a combination of arrogance and absolute naivety w/re to the object of that arrogance.
    what a joke


    Posted by whatajoke July 17, 09 11:05 AM
  1. Right on Meredith!!!

    Posted by Michelle July 17, 09 11:47 AM
  1. What a bunch of crabby women, getting upset over the use of the word "girl".

    I guess it's true, women to tend to cycle at the same time.

    Posted by Mikey "Insane" Monkeypants July 17, 09 11:47 AM
  1. I am a little late to the post. but..
    I read this quote once and I think it applies to you perfectly to help you understand what a good relationship should be...

    "don't walk in front of me, I will not follow...
    don't walk behind me, I shall not lead...
    Just walk beside me and be my friend..."

    Smart good women aren't looking to be rescued. Real love isn't about being treated like a queen. it is about truly being understood completely equal and yet adored and appreciated.

    Posted by Mich L July 17, 09 12:00 PM
  1. For those bashing Suffolk law, keep in mind if you need to go to school at night for some reason it's the only game in town.

    Posted by B July 17, 09 12:05 PM
  1. Do you know why this sort of thing is a turn off, LW? Because you're obviously more interested in the idea of a lover and a relationship, not in a specific person. When men go all out this way before they even know me, it's a red flag to me. I like that sort of thing once we are in a relationship--once they actually know me and know that I'm the person they want in their lives. Otherwise, you come off as "she'll do. Here are some chocolates/flowers/etc. now she owes me."

    Besides, once you actually, um, *know* someone, you'll know what things will touch them romantically--we are not all alike, you know. I'm not one for love poems or chocolates, but I am a sucker for a home-cooked meal and a shoulder rub.

    Posted by PM July 17, 09 12:14 PM
  1. Au contraire Dukakis in a tank, a close family member of mine is a graduate of Suffolk Law, was recently named Boston's Rising Star and featured in the Boston Business Journal...

    Posted by Don't Be So Quick to Judge July 17, 09 12:40 PM
  1. Adorable... I think those of you who are annoyed with the word "girl" to describe a woman are forgetting the fact that this is a 25 year old "boy" -- I've noticed that at that age, most men and women refer to themselves and their peers as "girls and boys." Oh to be that young again! Good luck Mr. Romantic... And FYI - I know plenty of women who love being treated "like a lady." If you were 10+ years older, I think you'd have no problem finding someone to appreciate your view! Those of us who've long passed our "clubbing" days, enjoy a nice, romantic dinner and a little ice cream now and then!

    Posted by Neens July 17, 09 12:51 PM
  1. Wow! Harsh comments, peeps!

    To me, the key to "romance" is that it is personal - it's thinking of what the other person will like, or what will please them. Not just flowers and ice cream, but what kind of roses (ones like her mom carried in her wedding, perhaps?) and what kind of ice cream (nothing with nuts because she will go in to anaphalactic shock...)? These things can only be learned over time. So find someone you enjoy hanging out with, and who you would be interested in learning these things about.... and take it slowly.

    Your mama taught you nice manners, by the way. I hope my son behaves the same way when he's 25. :)

    Posted by Southern Girl living in Boston July 17, 09 01:09 PM
  1. I must have missed the great trend of calling grown men boys. As in, "I met this really nice boy at the bar" or "A 26 year old boy was pulled from a burning car last night. . ." or "So my sister met this boy at work. . ."

    Come on. I've seen posters refer to grown women (in general) as "girls." It's ridiculous, it's a turn-off, and makes you sound stupid. Those of you who are yelping about this and getting your tighty-whities in a twist, you need to relax. If you truly want to treat people nicely AND you now know that a lot of women don't like being referred to as girls, why not just stop calling them girls instead of getting so defensive? Part of being thoughtful is, well, refraining from doing things you know annoys someone.

    As far as being treated like a lady, everyone likes consideration and thoughtfulness. But the LW sounds as if he's going all out for any woman he can find--one will do as well as the other. It doesn't sound as if he is actually intersted in any woman as a person, he's just in love with being in love.

    Posted by PM July 17, 09 01:23 PM
  1. Don't look for the perfect romance, look for someone to love.

    Posted by coconutty July 17, 09 02:15 PM
  1. Perhaps if you started by not saying things like you want to meet someone who measures life in "moments instead of minutes" you would have more luck. Bozo.

    Posted by William J. Ladoux July 17, 09 02:50 PM
  1. For those bashing Suffolk law, keep in mind if you need to go to school at night for some reason it's the only game in town.


    Hey genius who wrote this...There is also New England School of Law that I believe is open for night students.

    Posted by Suffolk Grad July 17, 09 02:53 PM
  1. Hmmmm most of the letter sounds fine, but this is bothering me. ..
    Not only are you paying for "concerts, purses, jewelry, all within 3 weeks of the relationship", but you make a point of mentioning it in your letter. That leads me to believe that a) you are coming on too strong with women and b) you want credit for it.
    Do nice things for the sake of doing nice things, not so some woman will fawn all over you. And don't be so desperate that you start buying a woman presents during the first week of dating. I can see why you would think it was sweet/thoughtful, but it would put me off.

    Posted by fram July 17, 09 03:20 PM
  1. I know everyone is different but while I love getting a "treat" on dinner I also have a guilty feeling when someone always pays. That little voice that says "You work too so you should be the one grabbing the check too."

    As for everyone about terms boy girl man woman he she it all just words.

    Posted by Missheru July 17, 09 03:49 PM
  1. And another thing. . .

    The LW complains about meanie feminists who take umbrage to his pressure tactics, decrying them as cold and ambitious (while he himself works more than 40 hours a week as a lawyer--nice double-standard, there), AND THEN complains about women who are just using him for his money because they don't get "emotionally attached" after three weeks. But relationships aren't transactions. It's not "I pay for dinner and buy you gifts and open doors for you and you therefore fall in love with me" (or, as some of the bitter losers who post on this site think, owe the guy sex). Relationships are living things, interactions and feelings between two people who change and grow and get to know each other.

    Has it occurred to you that one BIG reason why many women flinch at all of this "romace" thrown our way so early on before you even know us is because there ARE strings attached? You seem to feel that the women in question owe you romantic feelings back, whenn they haven't even had a chance to decide if they're really into you. Of COURSE it's a turn off. No one likes that kind of pressure, much less in the beginning stages of a relationship.


    Posted by PM July 17, 09 03:56 PM
  1. I am a 24-year old, self-sufficient, powerful woman and I do not mind being called a "girl". You can buy me an ice cream anytime! ;-)

    These nice girls/women/whatever you want to call them are out there, but just keep in mind that they may not have everything you're looking for. It's hard to find a drop-dead gorgeous woman who has a huge brain and does charity work. They're out there, but they're really hard to find (just like truly nice guys are!) So, just keep hunting and as long as you're being genuine, you'll find her. Ever consider trying to meet women at church? That's a good place to look where they'll have all of the above. ;-)

    Posted by mc July 17, 09 10:05 PM
  1. Instead of looking for "the romance" with "the girl", maybe you should try making a few female friends first. You'd learn a little about women, friendship, mutual respect - and then you might be ready for a real relationship.

    Posted by Bill July 19, 09 02:26 PM
  1. Actually, Suffolk is ranked #13 in US News for best part-time law schools. Some individuals must work full time in order to pay the tuition that law school charges.....

    Posted by Guest July 20, 09 08:34 AM
  1. Suffolk grad... the point is Suffolk is the best option for night students in Boston.

    Posted by B July 20, 09 09:58 AM
  1. #1 Use Match.com
    #2 Older women for sure. I have only ever had meaningful relationships with women over the age of 30, even when I was your age. The irony in so many comments I read here is they are disingenuously posturing about LW's supposed posturing.
    #3 I think M doesn't get you and uses you for a springboard to philosophize. It's not that her thoughts are poor--she just misreads where you're coming from.

    Posted by RealAdvice July 20, 09 01:06 PM
  1. If you want a relationship not a TV sitcom sweeping off her feet isn't the issue.

    Real relationships are in the little things not the big impression. Rememeber eventually the person you "sweep" off her feet is the person you have to wake up next too for a very long time, even when you are nad as hell at them. Once the excitement and hormones die then what do you do?

    Long term and IMO really romantic ones are the ones where the guy changes the gross diaper because you were up all night with the other kid getting ill. It's not a lovely picture, it is what a real relationship is made of. Give and take is real. None of this fairy tale stuff is that ends the minute you have to go out into the sunlight again.


    Posted by Anonymous July 21, 09 01:29 PM
  1. I don't think this letter is even real. No 25-year-old lawyer works only 40 hours and could call himself a success! And no one would brag about going to Suffolk Law (or be impressed by that). It's a fine school, but it's not something that anyone scores points with women (or other lawyers) off of. It's something like the 220th ranked law school. I think this is a fake letter.

    Posted by James July 23, 09 02:23 PM
  1. What the hell is wrong with you people? I am liberal a feminist as they come. I'm also a 27-year-old female intellectual with a JD and an LL.M, and where has this guy been all my life?

    If I have a date with a guy, of course he should pay. Why not? All the women I know (who are all also highly-educated in their late 20s) wouldn't dream of going Dutch until a relationship has already been established. These previous comments indicate that Dave Chappelle was right: "Chivalry is dead. And women killed it." The women I know rarely get to go out with a man who is chivalrous or even has a clue what romance is anymore. And you're admonishing this guy for wanting to put forth the efforts that women have been complaining about NOT getting for almost a century? WTF?

    I'll admit, maybe this guy comes on a bit strong for some women, but who knows. And I don't think it's bizarre to really like someone after 3 weeks. Hell, if you spark enough with someone, it takes much less than 3 weeks. This is what the so-called "nice guys" are always complaining about when they say that girls never like them.

    So listen here Suffolk Grad, this is what you need to do: 1) Relax your superficial standards. There are more well-educated, nice, sane, single women in Boston than any other group, they just don't look like Cindy Crawford (and frankly, I doubt you're a ringer for Brad Pitt). So, if you go for a chick with meat on her bones and perhaps a more bookish style, she won't be hard to find. 2) Older women. 27 & up. I promise. 3) Online dating probably wouldn't hurt. 4) Don't be arrogant, don't be pretentious, and don't talk about yourself all the time, but be confident and funny. 5) I'd recommend against gifts that involve anything but flowers until after an exclusive relationship has been established. 6) Remember that for the most part you're only "creepy" if someone's not into you--if Johnny Depp wrote her poetry and called her every hour just because "he missed her voice" he'd be the most awesome dude in the universe, not a pansy douchebag, I guarantee it. 7) Don't give up so quickly--you couldn't have picked a better city in the country than Boston to find a glut of intelligent single women.

    Good luck!

    Posted by resipsalac July 23, 09 07:03 PM
  1. Continue being you. The world is full of all types and most types are also full of it.
    You are you and if you take your time and not get ahead of yourself you will find your mate. There is someone for everyone and I do believe that. Compatibility is key. I think it important to get the idea of what makes a woman good, out of sight and explore. It starts with the heart and soul of a person male or female. Expect nothing and be grateful for everything. Most relationships fail because we set an expectation for our mate, we all fail to meet other expectations. Find an individual who shares the same morals/values and life habits. If you ski and she doesn't then I don't see much skiing in the future of your relationship unless it is done with there others etc. Separate interests are important also but I believe a key is to be able to share as many enjoyable experiences together discovering and exploring life and the world we live in. From what I understand memories go with in the end, all else is material and belongs to this world. Find someone who is ready and desiring to experience life with you, even experience each others different ideas to see things in a different perspective and still maintain your individuality as each is unique. A narrow mind is safe but disallows opportunity and growth. You ought not be the same person tomorrow as you are today and 40 years from now you will look back and see the progressive change and be grateful for the changes you've experienced. I was very narrow minded when younger and many of my preconceived ideas came from my surroundings and upbringing - nature vs nurture kind of things, I have a much broader perspective now and while there are things a few things I do not tolerate well, I do open myself to anything that may greater enhance my life and my perspective in a positive way. I hope this helps

    Posted by Julie July 25, 09 12:39 PM
  1. Intellectuals go to Yale Law School, not Suffolk. Get over yourself.

    Posted by Richard July 27, 09 11:17 AM
  1. Though by his letter you can tell he is young and a bit immature. But I have to tell you, and I might get my butt chewed here, but I have been looking for someone like him since my 20's. I love the things he says in his letter. I am,too, a hopeless romantic. I wish I was younger. I'd scoop him up in a minute. He is the type of guy mother's hope their daughters would bring home to meet the family. I have looked for someone like that for years. It may sound corny, but don't lose that romantic side, you never know who you might meet.

    Posted by Irish7 August 7, 09 04:43 PM
  1. It does exist... I've been swept. It's a great feeling until it disapears right before your eyes..

    Posted by Anonymous August 12, 09 10:42 PM
  1. I was unaware of the fact that romantic men do exist. What a man does as his career will not impress me. A man who looks forward to getting up every morning when his alarm clock rings is far more impressive. Cliche' forms of romance do not impress me, yet sentimental expressions of affection make my heart race. If I had to paint you picture of my ideal man, although I do not like to use the term "ideal", he would be the type of man who would give me a piggyback ride in public. This would let me know that he is strong, confident in himself, doesn't care about what others think of him, and a kid at heart. He would pick me daisies instead of buying me roses. He would think that I am beautiful even if I were to get caught in the pouring rain without an umbrella and come home looking like a drowned rat. He would say "I love you" and mean it. If anyone happens to know of such a man, please let me know.

    I feel that many people who commented on Lost Without Love's letter were too busy reading into and overanalyzing his words to understand what he was really trying to say.

    As for Peanut4649 who commented "Good luck trying to find a girl that is 1. good looking 2. funny 3. smart. They cant be all three." First of all, it's "girl who is" not "girl that is". Second, a woman can be good looking, funny, and smart. Third, I am beautiful, confident, intelligent, and incredibly funny. There are many women in this world who are. However, we tend to hide ourselves from men like Peanut4649 because they have not yet evolved into decent human beings. Oh yeah, I went there!

    Posted by TinaKristina August 27, 09 02:27 AM
 
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Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.

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