Happy Friday, LL people. I'm off to Maryland in a few hours for a wedding. I am going to eat some crabs and wear a purple dress. It's going to be quite a weekend.
I’m dumbfounded by my own advice today. But I stand by it.
Q: I am a 19-year-old college student in Boston. During my first year of college (last year), I met and fell in love with an amazing woman, a Boston University 22-year-old senior. In our short time together I came to the realization that she is the ONE! and that I didn't want or need anything else other than what she gave to me. We have an amazing sex life! (any guy who tells you a good sex life is not important is most likely a virgin). We trust each other to the extreme which is different than my past relationships. We communicate very effectively, and we treat each other like best friends. We simply love being around each other and sharing each other's company. And honestly, I cannot see any of this ever changing. Which is why I have asked -- and she has agreed -- to marry me in August (before the start of my second year of college!). I know that most people, if not all, would say that this is way too early in life and that I don't really know what I want. But those who know me know that I am very much advanced in maturity, my career, and my morals. I know what I want in life and I know that this is it.
So my question is does it matter that we have not conformed to what society says and waited until I at least graduated? Does love really have to wait? If we both feel that this is what we want, and we have a plan for our lives, why can't we just do it without having everyone on our case questioning our motives? I need a calculator to add up how many times I have been asked if she is pregnant in the last month! She isn't by the way.
If we are madly in love and we have the support of our immediate and most important family members, shouldn't that be enough to go ahead and make the life changing move?
I mean, no matter when a couple marries it's never a guarantee right? Whether I marry her now or 6 years from now we will still have to work just as hard every day to keep the relationship healthy. So what's the difference, really?
-- Engaged!, Boston
A: Engaged!, I can just picture you saying your vows: “My dear, I will always trust you -- to the extreme.”
Sorry. Not making fun. I just like how you phrased it.
Obviously, you’re young. Too young. But let’s forget about that for a second. You bring up a great point -- that marriage is never a guarantee. And I’ll tell you -- if you were getting married at 22 or 24, many folks would tell you that you’re still too young (and maybe they'd be right). And if you were 40 and unmarried, people might say something is wrong with you -- that you can't commit (and maybe they'd be right). People always have an opinion. Let’s forget about them and concentrate on you.
You want to marry her. You have a life plan. You believe with all of your heart that this will work. I don’t know why you feel you need to make it official right now, but you do -- your gut wants to put a ring on it.
Whenever people ask me if they should take a big risk, I ask them, “What’s the worst that can happen?” In this case, the worst that can happen is that you grow out of this love and get divorced. And … I can’t believe I’m saying this, but that wouldn’t be so terrible. In fact, it would be less painful than getting divorced when you’re older and actually own things.
And what’s the best thing that can happen? You stay married. You love each other and trust each other to the extreme for as long as you both shall live. Not so bad, right?
I don’t get why you have to make it legal. But if you feel you do, get to it. Tell the judgmental folks that you’re getting married because you’re changing her into a vampire, “Twilight”-style (yes, I’m still in my “Twilight” phase -- leave me alone about it). Or tell them you want to be on her health insurance. Or tell them you’re doing it on a dare. Or tell them -- it’s none of their business. Who cares what they think?
If we’ve learned anything from Love Letters, it’s that relationships are fragile, no matter your age or place in life. Even the best relationships, the ones built on maturity and self-awareness, are scary and breakable. It’s always a risk. We’re all just crossing our fingers with the best of intentions. Yours seem pretty good.
Now that you have my blessing, prepare yourself for the wrath of my readers. People? Did I just give a college sophomore permission to get married? I’d love your thoughts on the matter here. Letters to right. Twitters here.