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So I met a guy ...

Posted by Meredith Goldstein  July 11, 2009 10:38 PM

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Do you know what I love? Letters that start like this: “So I met this guy at a pool party.”

This letter isn’t very deep, but I’m pretty sure it’s from a young reader (I'm guessing very early 20s?). And I think it’s our duty to help young Love Letters readers. I believe they’re our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way. Show them all the beauty they posses inside. Give them a sense of pride. And so on.

(P.S. I’m off today, spending the afternoon at the Westport Rivers Winery – a “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off” sort of thing. I apologize in advance if it takes a bit for comments to post. Boston Globe interns are working on them as fast as they can. You can send me Twitter messages while I sip Riesling here. Feel free to keep me posted.)

Q: Hi Meredith,

So I met this guy at a pool party on Sunday and we seemed to really connect. He said all these things -- like he hadn’t had a girlfriend in years and that he could see himself with me. He even talked about how I had the X-factor and all this stuff. I wasn’t initially super attracted to him, but he made me believe in this plan that he had for the two of us. We kissed at the end of the night and I went home. We did not hook up.

Anyway, I ended up getting his number, and I texted him the next day because he didn’t have my number (his phone had died). We went back and forth a few times but that was the last I heard from him. For some reason, this is really getting to me. I don't understand why a guy would go to so much trouble to never call me? Was it just a ploy to take me home?

He just seemed genuinely interested …

P.S. Love your column and I read it everyday.

-- Confused, Melrose

A: Confused, you must have skipped Love Letters the day I announced a ban on signing letters as “Confused.” Too many people use that name, so I banned it. Just so you know. Now, some advice …

1. Anyone who uses the phrase “X-factor” in regards to dating is an idiot.

2. Some guys like to get phone numbers even if they don’t plan on using them. Maybe he’s not really single. Maybe he just wanted to see if he could get your number. Regardless, see point 1 – he is an idiot.

3. The next time you’re at a pool party and meet a guy who tells you he has plans for your future (even though he doesn’t know you), take a look around and see if there’s a shy guy in the corner looking your way. Stop what you’re doing and go talk to that shy guy. If you give him your number, he might just use it.

5. See point 1 again. I can’t believe he said “X-factor.” I’m embarrassed for him. You lost nothing here. You’ve just learned that dating can be a game, and that real intimacy grows over time. Try not to get attached to the idea of someone until they prove they can show up.

Readers, this letter writer is young, for sure, so it’s time for life lessons. Share your thoughts here. Submit a letter to the right. See where I am here.

-- Meredith

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126 comments so far...
  1. I love this part: "I texted him the next day because he didn’t have my number (his phone had died). " In other words, since his phone had died he couldn't put your number into it, and it didn't occur to him to write it down on paper?! Young indeed!

    Posted by Jen X-Factor July 13, 09 09:07 AM
  1. X-factor?? This guy is a huuuge loser!

    Posted by Robin July 13, 09 09:15 AM
  1. Rico loves young love...

    Here is what Rico is thinking:

    Rico thinks any guy that would use an excuse of his phone is dead is an IDIOT. Rico would have written your number on a napkin, his palm or drilled it in his brain to make sure he called you...IF HE WAS INTERESTED.

    Rico thinks that it was either a game to see about how many girls numbers he could get or a ploy to see how gullible you were and see if he could take you home that night. Bottom line, he is an IDIOT.

    On the other hand Rico thinks it is possible that he was interested at first but then changed his mind. Possibly his friends talked him out of following through with you? Or he has a girlfriend? Or maybe he is shy and has no idea how to follow through...Rico doubts the last reason. Rico thinks that alcohol, sunshine and the excitement of a new guy clouded your thinking and you just got carried away. Rico also doesn't care for texting. Too many things can go wrong with written words, if you were interested then call him.

    Rico also thinks that the fact he didn't take your number or find a way to get it other than giving you his was lame. A truly interested guy will find a way to get your number and he will CALL YOU. Rico suggests getting some confidence/self esteem and get out there and enjoy the summer. Plenty of real men for you to meet and don't forget your friends either. Rico also likes Meredith's suggestion of that Shy Guy in the corner...that was Rico at one time.

    Get out today like Meredith and enjoy the sunshine, it is a beautiful day...

    Green is the new Black...

    Love always,

    Rico

    Posted by Rico July 13, 09 09:20 AM
  1. Before we take confused to task, remember what Meredith said “I’m pretty sure it’s from a young reader (I'm guessing very early 20s?). And I think it’s our duty to help young Love Letters readers” so lets try and keep the verbal bashing to a minimum. We were all young and naive at one time.

    Having said that, none of us can tell you what this guy was thinking. Maybe he just wanted to see if he could get your phone number, maybe he was hoping for more than just a kiss (my bet) who knows. It doesn’t matter. I’m sure he seemed like a good guy but at the end of the day, it’s how he treats you that matters. He didn’t call or text you back, well I’m guessing he wasn’t really into you. The thing you have to remember is that just because he wasn’t into you that is not a reflection on you. His opinion is his own and you just need to go to the next pool party and meet another nice guy. Take Meredith’s advice and maybe seek out the shy guy in the corner. I’m sure he would love it if you came over and talked to him.

    This single game can be very difficult and you will have some good times and bad, just remember to be ok with yourself and you will be fine. Oh and be prepared for the comments. Don’t take them to heart.

    Posted by EE July 13, 09 09:27 AM
  1. Aren't you glad you didn't hook up with him now? I'm sorry you had to find out this way, but encounters like this are all too common amongst guys. They think it's a game - seeing if they can get your number, get into your head and make you like them, then get into your pants. It's ingenuine and obnoxious, and why many women become cynical about men.

    Posted by Meg C. July 13, 09 09:28 AM
  1. So this letter was disappointing but I agree with helping the young readers and not dismissing them and their feelings simply based on age.

    That being said, forget about this loser asap. Was he slurring his words? Were his eyes glazed over? Honestly, there could be any number of reasons why this guy said the things he did. He may have meant them, he may not have. Regardless, just let it go. I know right now it is all you can think about and it will bother you for a few days, but after that you will forget all about him. Go to more parties, meet more people/guys, and life will move on quickly. I understand how it can bug you because he really didn't need to say anything so dramatic and whatnot, but some guys just like to be manipulative or see how far they can get using stupid lines. Anywho, brush it off.


    Posted by summa! baby bumma! July 13, 09 09:50 AM
  1. Poor Confused -I feel her frustration and confusion. I once had a man chase me through a crowded bar just so he could get my number - we had spoken for a while earlier in the evening and when he caught up to me he said "I had to get your number before you left, I really want to see you again". I was really flattered and gave him my number.

    He never called.

    That same situation repeated itself over and over again during my 20's. I used to wonder what was wrong with me - and somewhere along the way I realized that this is just a weird guy thing we'll never understand no matter how hard we try or how many hours we spend dissecting every nuance of the conversation with our friends.

    Try to keep a sense of humor about it, ignore those who cheerfully chirp ‘he’s just not that in to you’, and realize – its not you, its him!

    Posted by Monty July 13, 09 09:56 AM
  1. BUELLER? BUELLER?

    First of all, Rico’s not going to like this letter. He has no time for the petty emotions of youth. Rico will ride his bike instead, and claim the yellow jersey. Anyhow…I think what your cabana boy meant was that you have an “EX” Factor: You remind him of his ex-girlfriend whom he met at another pool a few weeks ago. She was blonde as well. This is all I’ll tell you: With our high level of communication, the instant delivery of news and the ability to multi-task; things change like a leaf in the wind…patience is at an all time low…and new souls will always disappoint old souls. Either that or you should have worn the 2-piece.

    Posted by valentino July 13, 09 10:05 AM
  1. Yes, he wanted to hook up only.
    Since he was talking about a future relationship with you on the first night which is sort of creepy to begin with then you would think he would make sure he got your number. Again, he didn't want it. He just wanted to hook up for the night.
    If you want to meet someone for a relationship try friends of friends or a group activity sort of thing.

    Posted by lisa July 13, 09 10:12 AM
  1. I couldn’t help but detect a very Hoss-ian tone in Meredith’s advice. Straightforward and educational. Well done.

    Not much more needs to be added other than the fact that ‘Confused’ should just move on. Immediately. Don’t give this another thought.

    The guy’s interest disappeared as soon as the High School Musical soundtrack ended and the Mom’s and Dad’s swung by to pick everyone up at the end of the pool party.

    FYI: A guy dropping lines on you on in a social setting on the one and only time you met is not “going through so much trouble” for you. He’s thinking short-term. Very short-term. Next time, please take this type of “genuine interest” with a healthy dose of skepticism.

    You did nothing wrong and should not feel bad or confused about anything. Just take it as a life lesson.

    - Hoss

    Posted by Hoss July 13, 09 10:22 AM
  1. Yep Meredith, great advice. Guys love to spew the BS. You have to learn to take it with a grain of salt, because no matter how genuine they may seem they could very well be full of BS. What truly matters is their actions. He has not called. In my book that usually = girlfriend.

    Posted by trueluv4eva July 13, 09 10:26 AM
  1. LOL @ 'X-factor'. This guy must have ZERO game if he pulled that out. I mean, come on, isn't that from the 90's? So sad.

    In any case, don't feel bad. At least you didn't hook up with him. You'd really be in a world of hurt if you did. Here's to hoping you find a real guy soon.

    Posted by Anonymous July 13, 09 10:26 AM
  1. Yeah, sounds like he was just looking for a little slam bam thank you ma'am ... definitely agree his use of "X-Factor" is very suspect, as is the idea that he hasn't had a girlfriend in years AND he sees some sort of plan for you two when you just mer.

    You should delete his number from your phone immediately and move on.

    Posted by alisa July 13, 09 10:27 AM
  1. Where was point #4 Meredith? I must have missed it.

    Posted by Anonymous July 13, 09 10:27 AM
  1. Love the last line from M's #5...so great. Don't get attached to the 'idea'. Stick with reality...one guy-one afternoon-a few text msgs.
    If you read everyday then you may notice many write in to ask why people do what they do. We can't say why. Who knows? Safe to say you simply may not hear from him again. Try not to get discouraged.

    Posted by pb July 13, 09 10:30 AM
  1. Yet again, more proof that women are only attracted to players, then they wind up wrinkled, jaded and alone, usually with fatherless children after some nasty divorce proceeding.

    No wonder the divorce industry is a billion dollar enterprise.

    Good call on going after "the shy guy", he's usually the one smart enough to not waste time with women who chase players.

    Posted by seenittoomanytimes July 13, 09 10:31 AM
  1. #3 is the piece of advice women ignore the most but should pay the most attention to. I had a brief relationship with someone who planned our future shortly after our first kiss. A week later he tried to put his hand through my face, and I realized that the shy guy I had been on the verge of dating before Mr. Overplan-Your-Life came along was looking even better than he had before.

    Our 11th wedding anniversary is in October, we still worship each other, and he isn't so shy anymore.

    Posted by merilisa July 13, 09 10:31 AM
  1. Yes, he is an idiot, Yes, he was just looking to hook up, YES...MOVE ON. This isn't even worth the effort to try and figure out. The X Factor?? Are you kidding me. that alone would have made me say...bub bye now. And planning a future with someone you don't know....ummmm...scary.

    Posted by Deb July 13, 09 10:36 AM
  1. How can a guy have plans for the two of you when he really DOESN'T EVEN KNOW YOU!!!!! And you admitted you weren't really attracted to him ... Just let it go; he was after one and one thing only.

    Posted by Scoopy July 13, 09 10:37 AM
  1. Dear Confused,

    Meredith is totally correct on this. Plus another word that probably best describes this is just infatuation. That's all it was. It was just the mere adrenaline rush and that immediate attraction between the both of you and nothing else.

    On with the show. Nothing more to see here.

    Posted by infatuateME July 13, 09 10:38 AM
  1. The "x-factor" guy just wanted to "swim a few laps" with you after the party. He's not interested in you in the least.....except for the diving competition. Move on to someone who has a bit more game and don't be quick to contact your suitor the very next day. Sweetie, it's one thing to be desperate, it's another to actually show it. You met a guy at a pool party in your bikini and became convinced of some life plan? Your concern should not be for the lame "x-factor" guy, it should be for you actually falling for it. You both should appear on "The Biggest Loser"

    Posted by leykis101 July 13, 09 10:39 AM
  1. Was the X factor your below average intelligence?

    Just curious since this sounds like it was written by a 15yr old girl or a woman that lacks even a shred of common sense when it comes to romance.

    Posted by OTC July 13, 09 10:41 AM
  1. Listen to Meredith. That's all.

    Posted by DEL July 13, 09 10:42 AM
  1. This one's hilarious. I would imagine that "Confused" is in her late teens or early 20's or so. This guy is a loser, she met him at a pool party and he said he could see himself with her? You should have turned away and ran right then. His only real "plan for the 2 of you" was to score that night. I'm embarrassed for you that you kissed him.

    Posted by Flash July 13, 09 10:47 AM
  1. He has plans for your life? You should have thrown a drink in his face. What an arrogant oaf!

    Posted by Paul from Wellesley July 13, 09 10:51 AM
  1. Amen to Meredith's point numbers two and three.

    Also, beware of relying too much on men to come to you...you might find someone more to your liking if you reach out to them first (especially if they're shy).

    Good luck!

    Posted by N. Observer July 13, 09 10:52 AM
  1. 'Actions speak louder than words' has never been truer.
    or in my own words- 'everything a guy says is lies until he proves otherwise'.
    cynical? yes. smart? yes
    believe me, a guy will say ANYTHING in an effort to charm you, to get your #. a lot of times, asking for your # is more for their own ego than getting to know you.
    said to say, i've done this myself. i chat up guys and ACT interested. meanwhile, i really am not. why do i do this? mostly cz im drunk. mostly cz i want to know if i can get away with it.

    Posted by linda July 13, 09 10:55 AM
  1. It sounds like this guy just wanted some booty for the night. I think he was just "spitting his game" to you.

    Posted by Spud McKenzie July 13, 09 10:55 AM
  1. Be glad you didn't 'hook up'.
    Refer back to Point 1 again.
    He's an idiot.

    If he should happen to call, don't answer. Avoid this loser at all costs.

    DrK

    Posted by DrK July 13, 09 10:57 AM
  1. I couldn't agree more with the "this guy is an idiot" analysis, though I might also add that he's a loser. Another possibility - He was looking for a one-night stand. Clearly that didn't work and is unlikely to work on a second night, so he gave up.

    Posted by nancyek1 July 13, 09 10:59 AM
  1. Feel fortunate you did not go home with this guy or do anything else. Put him out of your mind and get invited to more pool parties this summer!

    Posted by kxs July 13, 09 11:00 AM
  1. Confused, I feel for ya, because accepting a confusing situation without any further answers is a challenge. However, that's exactly what you have to do: accept it and move on. He didn't call. You don't know why. You will never know why, so stare that ambiguity in the face and forge ahead.

    There are a million reasons why he wouldn't have called you - cat died, broke all his fingers on both hands and can't dial, collects phone numbers, has a girlfriend, is secretly a cyborg, etc. See how pointless it is to try and figure it out?

    The situation proved that you can meet a guy at a pool party - or any party - and connect. Use that knowledge next time you go somewhere, and hopefully the next X-man you connect with will have a happier outcome for you.

    Posted by Fievel July 13, 09 11:01 AM
  1. Talk to the shy guy is probably good advice, but realize that the "shy guy" can be a dating ploy, too. I can't tell you how many times my "shy" friends got the girls after I did the dirty work of breaking the ice. My friends would just wait for me to inevitably put my foot in my mouth and then play good cop.

    But even I was never stupid enough to say "X-Factor"

    Posted by chilled greese July 13, 09 11:02 AM
  1. sorry, Confused - this guy is a player. they come in all shapes and sizes, but at the heart they are all the same - insecure misogynist dorks who are trying to cover up their bad childhoods, "mommy issues," ED, whatever. run, don't walk, as far away as you can. there are so many incredible guys out there - don't let this loser get you down!

    Posted by Soo B. Vious July 13, 09 11:03 AM
  1. DISCLAIMER: this is not an “all men are jerks” type post. I am not male bashing, just bashing this one male. OK, here we go.

    He was interested. He was interested in having sex with you. But because you did not have sex with him, he isn’t going to put much effort into you because he does not want a relationship with you. You were there and it was convenient for him, but not worth the extra effort for just a little nookie (like keeping up a conversation with you outside of the pool party, which clearly, he has NOT done.). I’m sure he’s even said lines to you like, “nobody understands me like you do” and other such nonsense – you are young (otherwise you would have laughed in his face at his dumb lines and would not be writing this letter) and there is nothing more than young girls like than the whole Romantic Idea of “Only I can Save Him” and “Only I can melt his frozen heart” and other such nonsense that dudes like this are aware of and use to their advantage. How in the world you kept a straight face after he said “X-factor” I do not know. He has already moved on to his next spontaneous conquest and probably only has a dim memory of what you look like.

    Don’t let it get you down, however. Delete him from your phone book, don’t respond to his texts, and move on. Don’t hate him, or call him a jerk…..he isn’t worth any emotional output on your part. If you meet up with him again, since I’m assuming the two of you have friends in common, feel free to have a conversation with him, but if he says something like, “I can’t stop thinking about you,” you can respond with “yeah, it was evident the way you moved heaven and earth to be near me.” (warning, the typical response to this is something along the lines of “I was afraid to love” – to which you respond, “too bad, but I don’t need your kind of baggage. When you get your head fixed, call me.”)
    yoshimi

    Posted by Anonymous July 13, 09 11:13 AM
  1. If I understand correctly he initially did respond to your texts, and then no more contact? While it's possible something in your texts (or the frequency of them) spooked him, more likely he just wasn't that into you. Don't take it personally. It happens all the time. There's nothing you can do. He knows how to reach you if he wants to. If you happen to run into him again (at a future party, for example), you can start a casual conversation with him. Beyond that, all you can do is move on.

    Posted by two sheds July 13, 09 11:13 AM
  1. Alright this one is a throw away so I'm concentrating on the important things. I think we're looking at X-factor as a distant 3rd to:

    Butt Show
    Grilled Cheese

    Any I missed?

    Posted by Meredith has that x-factor July 13, 09 11:15 AM
  1. Meredith hit it out of the ballpark again.

    I KNOW this is frustrating but you must look on the bright side and realize you only lost a tiny bit of time with this man, not a lifetime of this idiot letting you down. He sounds like a player, a sociopath.

    You sound genuine and sweet and I am sure you will find someone worthy of your time and energy. Chin up. Good luck in love and all things!

    Posted by Amazed July 13, 09 11:17 AM
  1. "I don't understand why a guy would go to so much trouble to never call me?"

    For the same reason that men watch James Bond films but don't follow up by joining MI6. It's all about entertainment. The thrill for some guys is seeing you succumb (emotionally and physically) to their lines, comments, embellishments, etc. It's not about the thrill of actually communicating with you.

    Meredith's suggestion is quite good.

    Posted by Sigh July 13, 09 11:19 AM
  1. sorry but this is a boring question. but here is the answer... he was trying to get in your pants and he just wasnt that into you. thats why he didnt call.

    Posted by no advice needed on this one July 13, 09 11:19 AM
  1. "Try not to get attached to the idea of someone until they prove they can show up."


    This is a good motto for all potential relationships, platonic and romantic.

    Posted by AG July 13, 09 11:29 AM
  1. Maybe he was saying she has the "Ex-Factor" which is something different entirely?
    Got to agree completely with Meredith - nothing wrong with you, "Confused."
    And I think Meredith's point #4 was going to be: He has not had a girlfriend in years = something wrong with him. Seriously, in this day and age, when it is so easy to date via the intertubes, being dateless "for years" has now become a sign of a flaw in personality, not unlike mange, a clear symbol to stay away (unless there is a valid excuse).

    Posted by Bob July 13, 09 11:32 AM
  1. You didn't give him what he wanted (sex) so he moved on..he's a player!

    Posted by ohnohedidnt July 13, 09 11:34 AM
  1. Really?

    No, REALLY?

    COME ON! This isn't in need of advice, this is in need of a surgical 2x4 across the side of the head!

    For once I agree with Meredith 100%, anyone who starts talking to you about your future after 10 minutes of knowing you is either a psycho or lying. End of story.

    Posted by monkeycaller July 13, 09 11:34 AM
  1. Meredith, you got it spot on. Nothing to addm, except to say there's a thousand reasons for a guy to NOT yuse your number, but only one for using it. As for why he didn't - take your pick, whichever reason works for you best, file it away, and go on to the next pool party.

    Meredith is right though, about the cute by shy guy in the corner? A guy who won't ask for your number is very likely to use it if you give it to him. Wise words. :)

    X- factor. ~shakes head~ You've gotta be kidding me.


    Ceej

    Posted by Ceej July 13, 09 11:37 AM
  1. We need to see a bathing suit picture to accurately comment.

    Posted by We Like Pix July 13, 09 11:46 AM
  1. "1. Anyone who uses the phrase “X-factor” in regards to dating is an idiot."
    ----
    Well-said. Though, what does it say about the person who believes this person who uses the phrase "X-factor"? :)

    Posted by The Dude July 13, 09 11:54 AM
  1. this guys sounds pretty cheesy. "you have the x-factor"?? i'm embarrassed for him, too.

    you may hear from him again, but until then, don't lose too much sleep over it. stuff like this happens to everyone. i don't exactly know WHY guys who seem intresting don't always call, but i do know that, unfortunately, that is often the case. it just is.


    Posted by ang July 13, 09 11:55 AM
  1. Comments while waiting for point 4 to show up in Meredith's post... :)

    X-factor ????? Do people really say that ? In what end of the gene pool was he standing ?

    You missed nothing, except perhaps a chance to take advantage of point 3 from Meredith. This guy was having fun playing at a pool party. You had fun at the party as well. I suspect he was playing a different game than you were.

    Posted by Jeff July 13, 09 12:01 PM
  1. Stop wondering "why didn't he call?" and start wondering "why should I care?"

    Why be interested in such a flake? You deserve someone who's genuinely interested in you. Thank goodness you dodged a bullet, now you can focus on someone worth focusing on.

    Posted by sometimes July 13, 09 12:08 PM
  1. If it's too good to be true, then it probably is. He's obviously a talented salesman, and he tailored a pitch that you fell for. He created the demand, but the supply is not there, so just cancel the order and forget about it. Not sure what he was selling or if he was simply fine-tuning his pitch, but that is beside the point. Meredith is spot on in point #1.

    Posted by yupokay July 13, 09 12:08 PM
  1. "Try not to get attached to the idea of someone until the prove they can show up."

    That needed to be repeated..

    and I'm embarrased by the "x-facotor" comment as well. though.. it sounds like it almost worked..

    Posted by Jason July 13, 09 12:10 PM
  1. what is the xfactor? wow and you have it..nice.....sorry he was taken...thats my guess..

    Posted by jcour382 July 13, 09 12:12 PM
  1. Confused - listen to Meredith she knows what she is talking about.
    Meredith - You are hysterical and I love your column!

    Posted by Doesn't usually comment but always reads! July 13, 09 12:13 PM
  1. Seriously - the X-factor comment, the fact that after a few brief moments of casual conversation, he said he could see himself with you, blah blah blah. You believe it?

    He was playing with you. He was making conversation. Sorry to be blunt, but this entire conversation meant nothing to him. If had really wanted your number, he would have asked for a pen and paper to write it down. He was not genuinely interested.

    Let it go, Confused. Move on. Way more fish in the sea than some dope at a pool party.

    Posted by Linda July 13, 09 12:14 PM
  1. Meredith nailed this one. Especially on point #3. I'd add to her second point that maybe since the party, he's met some chick who's got the XXX-factor.

    Posted by Madra July 13, 09 12:15 PM
  1. Oh my god. You got played, my friend. If anyone is telling you about his plan for you in the future and you just met him two hours beforehand, he's crazy. Controlling. Wants to get you in bed.

    I hate to say it, but if you believe a guy who told you he has a plan for you in the future after having known him for two hours, you are that kind of guy's perfect easy target.

    It's a crazy world out there. Guys like this will say what they think it takes to get you naked that night. And if it doesn't work and you keep your clothes on, he thinks it's not worth it. You don't hear from him again. So, yeah, you probably actually dodged a bullet by not hearing from him again. Go find a nice guy who might not be a smooth talker but has genuinely decent intentions.

    Posted by Craig July 13, 09 12:20 PM
  1. He was drunk/drinking.
    Stop texting him.
    He will eventually contact you.

    Posted by didi July 13, 09 12:22 PM
  1. Boy this guy used some pretty creative "lines" on you to get your "number" and I don't mean telephone number. The first thing you need to know is that what guys say and do can be quite different. Listen less to what they say than what they DO, or don't do in this case.
    His life plan for both of you after one evening? If it were me, I'd have laughed so hard, I would have had party punch coming through my nose! You're young, inexperienced. Chalk this situation up to the School of Hard Knocks and keep smiling.

    Posted by exvermonter July 13, 09 12:34 PM
  1. He's just not that into you. Plus, you said you weren't really super-attracted to him in the first place. It's summer, move on to someone hotter. :)

    Posted by eeeek July 13, 09 12:35 PM
  1. Confused, you had good instincts to not be attracted to this loser. I don't know why you didn't heed them, but use this as a lesson for next time someone is coming on strong. I'm kind of embarassed for you that you fell for it, but I know that sometimes these things happen. thank goodness you did not sleep with him or this letter would have had a very different, desperate tone. Count your blessings and go listen to the song "Magic Man" by Heart.

    Posted by lilmonkeybean July 13, 09 12:39 PM
  1. I think you should forget it. There's no point in dwelling. In order to find a guy, you have to give out your number. If they don't use it, thats their problem.

    Posted by Sabs July 13, 09 12:39 PM
  1. Meredith...spot on advice!! What gets me is that she says he went through "so much trouble" to get to know her. Really? You call talking at a pool party and pretending to be able to predict a future with you without knowing you, "so much trouble"? He didn't even try to hunt down paper and pen to get YOUR number...but yet you think he went through "so much trouble". O....kaaaa...yyyy. Chalk it up to nice conversation at a pool party....end of story. You don't know this guy. There's nothing more to it than that. Maybe he had great conversation with another X Factor at a pool party the next weekend. Maybe she inspired him to write down HER phone number. Or maybe his phone is on a long-term death sentence again. Maybe, maybe, maybe...but bottom line is...since you don't know him or know what his intentions were, you really need to leave it alone and move on and stop wasting time pondering the why's. Obviously he's not the guy for you if he dropped off the face of the earth with nary another text message. Let.It.Go!

    Posted by bklynmom July 13, 09 12:40 PM
  1. Aw, Meredith, you're really being tough on this guy! Everything you say may well be true (OK, I would bet on it), but it's also possible that he will get back to "Confused" on his own schedule.

    My son and daughter are in their early 20s and my daughter is the one who does not like a guy to follow up too soon when she gives him her phone number. In fact, she hates too much pursuit as it cuts into her personal time. She responds better with some time in between contacts. Maybe this guy will follow up - but go slow if he does!

    Posted by Anonymous July 13, 09 12:41 PM
  1. If he was interested in you, he would have seized on the opportunity to stay in touch. He was clearly having fun at the party and trying to get lucky that night. That didnt happen and he went back to his wife / girlfriend / being a player.

    No big deal and nothing really invested from you end. Move on and chalk it up to experience.

    Posted by Patrick July 13, 09 12:41 PM
  1. So, Confused, who gave the party? If it's a friend, ask him or her what's the deal with the X-Man. It should be simple enough to find out his background. Just keep the questions casual and downbeat. You don't want to come across as a stalker.
    Of course, it isn't outside of the realm of possibility that he lost his phone and your contact info. Meredith's instincts are usually right on, so it's likely that the guy is, to use her term, an idiot. But, you never know unless you ask around.
    And, unfortunately, it's likely you will kiss a lot of frogs before you find the prince [but you don't have to sleep with them!].

    Posted by Kate's Nonna July 13, 09 12:42 PM
  1. Sorry, this guy sounds like an idiot ! Forget about this bone head and move on already!
    The X factor............I would have laughed in his face and walked away.

    Posted by Pam July 13, 09 12:52 PM
  1. interns suck!

    Posted by suckit July 13, 09 12:55 PM
  1. What is the "X Factor"? 38-24-36?

    Posted by Bustoff July 13, 09 12:56 PM
  1. She has the X-Factor. Okay so, she's a mutant with super powers or she's has all the issues of the Marvel comic to date? Either wold be cool, especially since X-Factor is such a great read right now!
    Anyway, this girl sounds like she was just taken for a ride by a guy who was kind interested but isn't any more. And if he really wanted to take you home, he would have and this letter would be about how he took you home and then didn't call you afterword. Chalk another one up in the "lose" column and let this one go.

    Posted by Ms. Troy July 13, 09 01:14 PM
  1. There is a reason this guy hasn't had a girlfriend "in years" - he just wants to collect numbers and "hook up".

    His phone died? Give me a break. If he REALLY planned on calling you, he would have found a paper and pen.

    Good for you for not falling for his ploy. Forget him and move on.

    Posted by Lee01702 July 13, 09 01:18 PM
  1. You can't meet a guy at Pool Party, it just won't work out. You need to meet a man at yoga, apple picking or a grocery store like Johnny's in Cambridge. Shout out to my RI babes!

    Posted by D Murph July 13, 09 01:32 PM
  1. Umm...I think the LW is even younger than early 20s. I'm guessing late teens and little to no experience in playing this team sport we call Dating.
    Dip your niave little tootsies into the pool of life, where lots of little fishies are going to try and nibble your toes.
    Sometimes you'll catch one (and wish you threw him back) and sometimes you won't.
    I'd call this little meeting at last Sunday's Pool Party as nothing more than flirting on his part. It doesn't have to mean anything. Many of these kinds of encounters don't have to mean anything at all.
    There is more of his kind out there. You'll get better at identifying the Play as you get more experience.
    Now stop contacting him.
    And tell me what the "X" factor is.

    Posted by Anonymous July 13, 09 01:32 PM
  1. trust is easy to win and the only one that loses is the next guy that is truly interested in you but you reject because you've been believing everything a guy at a pool party says 'cause you are not thinking about what you want! Forget about what a guy tells you - see what he does - think how awful you would feel today if you had hooked up - get your own plan together

    Posted by noman1321 July 13, 09 01:36 PM
  1. Confused, if I'm at a pool party, we connect, and I have plans for you in the future, it usually involves a matress within the next couple of hours.

    Posted by Dave July 13, 09 01:51 PM
  1. Was it just a ploy to take me home? ploy to take you home? HELLO - souds like, to me, he wasn't involved in the ploy at all. Are you OK in the cranium department? Is it me or does it seem like he was just having a good time flirting and making the best out of a dull pool party?
    He just wanted someone to flirt with and it ended up being you
    relax - you met a guy who just wanted to stir the atmosphere in your little world and cause no "real" harm. get up, shake it off, and get out there again.
    By the way - will you meet me at Boston Common today at 5 near the statue - I want to see for myself the X factor

    Posted by two cents July 13, 09 01:52 PM
  1. She's absolutely right. It's easy to say things like that in one night of first meeting excitement. If he's still saying things like that after three months of dating, he may actually mean them. Hold out for someone who wants to become part of your LIFE, not just one of your nights. Sounds like you had good instincts from the start. :)

    Posted by Sarah July 13, 09 01:55 PM
  1. When you're old enough, rent Sex and the City and watch the episode where Miranda gets stood up - - - because her date died. Maybe Pool Boy got hit by a bus, maybe he just got distracted by something bright and shiny. You have to imagine that someone who could be so interested in you and your Factor over the course of an afternoon may very well have fallen in love with and married the girl who served him his Monday morning latte. Impulsiveness cuts both ways.

    Posted by Q97 July 13, 09 02:01 PM
  1. Ummm, haven't you ever had a guy try and sleep with you before? He was telling you what he thought you wanted to hear.

    Posted by Sluggosan July 13, 09 02:01 PM
  1. I wonder which Rodin our fellow LL member, Mistral, will associate with this L/W? Ah well, at least there are educated people on the L/W board, unlike in some other sections of the newspaper.

    Posted by reindeergirl July 13, 09 02:10 PM
  1. Sounds like he filled your head with fluff so he could see where it went, and when he didn't get in your pants, he decided to let it go. Don't fall for the sweet talk because, like Meredith said, he doesn't know you so all he's basing this on is your looks. Wait for someone you ARE attracted to who wants to get to know you first.

    Posted by Dr. Ruth July 13, 09 02:12 PM

  1. Nothing more to say here. Meredith nailed it. The guy sounds like a total loser and I don't even know what X Factor means. He has a "plan" for you both and he's know you for all of 5 minutes? That's a definite sign of someone who is immature and shallow. Don't give this one a second thought!

    Posted by alipie July 13, 09 02:22 PM
  1. There is a book (and a movie) titled, "He's Just Not That Into You."

    Get a copy and read it.

    Watch the movie if you want to be entertained, but read the book.

    Posted by Jim July 13, 09 02:25 PM
  1. If a guy starts talking about your future the day he meets you, and that future doesn't constitute taking you out to dinner to get to know you better, or something like that, then RUN. It's definitely to fluff you up so you're more apt to fill his intentions, whether it's an ego boost, or to sleep with you.
    It sucks, but wouldn't you rather have all the excitement of getting to know someone and really enjoying them over a period of time rather than right away and only for a couple of days? Dust yourself off and move on. Don't waste another second thinking about this guy, because clearly he isn't thinking of you. Smile, it only means the right guy's still out there.

    Posted by JK July 13, 09 02:32 PM
  1. Honey, it's a game. Collecting phone numbers is a guy thing. Get used to it and move on. Be thankful that you didn't hook up. He sounds like a real loser!

    Mere, from the tone of this letter I'm guessing the writer is a teenager. She seems much too young to even be in her 20s! Sounds like Confused needs a little cheese with her whine.

    Posted by CityChick July 13, 09 02:37 PM
  1. He'll probably call you right last call on a Saturday think he can't possibly make it through the weekend without a notch in his belt.

    Posted by Paul from Wellesley July 13, 09 02:38 PM
  1. This would have been better if he told her that he loved her.

    Posted by Mikey "Insane" Monkeypants July 13, 09 02:42 PM
  1. Another thing - assume, just for the sake of Monday's entertainment, that this guy was sincere. He gave you his number and you texted him. Haven't we had a half dozen letters complaining about how rude and impersonal it is to text instead of call someone you (allegedly) like? Maybe this guy isn't the douche we've all assumed he is - maybe he's just old fashioned and didn't want to be involved with someone who wasn't willing to actually speak to him.

    Posted by Q97 July 13, 09 02:49 PM
  1. Melrose, he prolly just liked your best friend better and used you to get to her. That's it. No biggie. You should pick uglier friends, though, that way you'll be the one guys are scheming to get next to...

    Posted by Don Juan Lynn July 13, 09 02:57 PM
  1. "Rico also likes Meredith's suggestion of that Shy Guy in the corner...that was Rico at one time."

    So, was that Rico before Paxil?

    Posted by Joe July 13, 09 03:01 PM
  1. Am I dumb? What is the X Factor?

    Posted by X Factor?! July 13, 09 03:02 PM
  1. Just give this poor Girl a "Dating for Dummies" guide. The summer season must be slow for submittals, if this letter actually made it to print. Her letter was so naively boring, it sounded as if a 16yo on her first date wrote it... it was downright painful to read it made her sound so inept. At least M's advice was 100% spot-on!

    Posted by DudeGuyKidDudeGuy666 July 13, 09 03:08 PM
  1. If he isn't calling.... HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU! He has your number, he knows you're interested b/c you texted him. Make him come to you. There's no reason why you should have to chase him!

    PS I also think its lame that he couldn't get your number b/c his phone died. I had a bf in high school that didnt have a phone or pen or paper when we met, and he memorized my number when I gave it to him. I didn't think he'd call, but if he's interested, he'll find a way to contact you!

    Posted by JNTIY July 13, 09 03:18 PM
  1. IMAGINE how bad you'd feel now if you had hooked up before even getting a call from him, and then he didn't call.

    The phone thing makes me think he might be married btw...

    Posted by mac July 13, 09 03:21 PM
  1. After readin' your post, fer shure, it is clear that sensitivity is like wow! an issue you care about. As your commentary has now become a part of history, oh, baby, you are well aware that it is like wow! intrinsic to stay informed and up to date. So now Like, ya know, this is where we come in. So we're gonna say like no way to the x-factor dude, you can just chill and y'know, move on. Woot!

    Posted by Bony Melon July 13, 09 03:26 PM
  1. I don't give advice to minors. But I will give M-Gold some advice: do not imbibe before writing your column. And if you do, get an intern to proof. Other than that, you're the queen of giving advice to minors, M, and hopefully you'll get through to this girl before she has to take her SATS.

    I have a great tan, if anyone's looking.

    Posted by Sally July 13, 09 03:30 PM
  1. The X Factor is what separates the men from the boys and the girls from the woman

    It's the edge...that most do not possess...

    It's the X Factor...if you don't know what it is...

    Then you don't possess it-the best kept secret out there...

    Posted by Sarah July 13, 09 03:49 PM
  1. He was buttering you up. He wanted to get naked with you that night so he was throwing every cheese ball line in the book at you. You were the little vulnerable lamb that he was going to prey on for the night. After you left the party his friends probably busted his chops for not closing the deal.

    In short... this guy was a loser looking to get laid. I still can't believe you didn't laugh in his face when he said you have the X-factor! Who says that?!?!

    Posted by rebs July 13, 09 03:50 PM
  1. Putting too much expectation on anyone whom you have just met is a mistake. From what I can tell, he was talking with you, connecting, getting to know you. Nothing wrong with that, but that doesn't mean he wants more. Event the 'X-factor' and I see a future together comments, although a bit presumptuous, are harmless yet intimate. Meeting people should be fun and it sounds like both of you were having fun. I've met many women who I felt I could spend the rest of my life with, particularly after only two hours (but before 20 hours). That's romance. Enjoy it.

    Posted by Rich July 13, 09 03:50 PM
  1. Check out the movie "He's just not that into you"...good movie and I think u should see it. Delete this number asap by the way.

    Posted by deb July 13, 09 03:51 PM
  1. I don't understand what the big deal is and why you even care that he hasn't called you. You guys flirted and chatted it up at a pool party, exchanged a few texts, so what. Haven't you ever met someone and been interested at the moment and then later changed your mind, got bored, moved on to other things? Not a big deal and I'm sure that whole "plan he had for the two of us" bit was just part of the whole flirty party atmosphere, nothing to be taken seriously. How could he make you believe something like that when you don't even know him? He may in fact be a loser (judging from the super lame "x-factor" comment) but he didn't make you do anything, you CHOSE to believe that non sense. I wouldn't waste another moment's time even thinking about this.

    Posted by bumbly-bee July 13, 09 04:03 PM
  1. Are you sure he didn't say "sex factor"? I'm just sayin'....

    Posted by clortho July 13, 09 04:23 PM
  1. I have only one thing to say

    www.datingwithoutdrama.com

    You cannot make someone like you....if this guy is interested, he has to do the work

    Posted by older and wiser July 13, 09 04:43 PM
  1. hey mer- i would like a butt show update. have you heard from that girl again? can we find out what happened? also the one whose bf brought the other girl to the cape...

    Posted by curious July 13, 09 04:45 PM
  1. yeah what is x-factor? other than a talent show in great britain...

    Posted by boredinacubicle July 13, 09 04:55 PM
  1. I meant to call her, honest!

    Posted by idiot x factor July 13, 09 05:08 PM
  1. OR maybe he was pretty "brave" and wanted to talk to you when he had couple of drinks but now that he's sober he's shy. Honestly I give guys my # and I never call them back. When I give them my number I am excited by the possibility of seeing that person again but the next day I just don't want to make the effort - I would rather hang out with my friends because I know them well and I know I'll have fun. I'm not proud of it and I try not to do that but it happens.
    Maybe (hopefully) he's also embarrassed by what he said to you at the pool party. Sometimes we want a guy to be aggressive and want us and it's easy to get sucked into it. It must be disappointing but there are too many guys out there that are great for you to even worry about this one. I agree with #1.

    Posted by gbos July 13, 09 05:34 PM
  1. I have only one comment:

    datingwithoutdrama - it is an ebook worth checking out if you are new to dating.

    When someone just meets you, they don't really know you at all. They are filling in the blanks based upon their own past experiences. If they bail that soon, it has nothing at all to do with you sweety...

    And don't waste another second thinking 'if only I could have.....'. Better to know now that this guy isn't worth your time. The better you feel about yourself, the less you will be distracted by guys like this.

    Posted by older and wiser July 13, 09 05:36 PM
  1. #91 - The x-factor is real deep down cool sex appeal. Not to belittle it. Urban Dictionary always helps (which is where I found the definition - I do wish Mere would define some of these expressions, maybe a Love Letters Glossary is in order?).

    That aside, I think some of you are being too hard on this young woman. Her feelings are hurt, and she has a right to that. As Mere said (#5, wich is I think is supposed to be #4): "You’ve just learned that dating can be a game, and that real intimacy grows over time. Try not to get attached to the idea of someone ... ."

    LOL on the days of Bleako before Paxil ... .

    Posted by reindeergirl July 13, 09 05:44 PM
  1. The X Factor..

    It is elusive.

    If you don't know what it is - ye shall never even come close to attaining it.

    Now google it. You can't buy it. You either have it or you don't.

    And you don't.

    Posted by Sarah July 13, 09 05:56 PM
  1. X Factor (courteousy of the Urban Dictionary)
    Noun.
    A) A quality that makes people in possession of it the epitome of cool. When trying to explain why this person is so cool you come up blank. Everyone knows this person and people like being around them.
    B) Used to describe someone whos not necessarily hot but you are strangely attracted to.

    Posted by City Chick July 13, 09 08:07 PM
  1. Oh Sweetie,
    I feel for you. Never, never trust a guy who comes on that strong. You're lucky you got out of it with just a kiss. Better luck at the next pool party.

    Posted by ramona126 July 13, 09 08:20 PM
  1. I'm a guy who recently entered my late 20s, and I like to know that I can still get girls in their early 20s. Once I know I can, that's all I need to know and I'll often move on.

    Posted by JT July 13, 09 09:07 PM
  1. Slow down! You just met the guy SUNDAY!!! Maybe he's busy. Give the poor guy a break. He'll prob call you today or tomorrow.

    Posted by NicotineNinja July 13, 09 09:53 PM
  1. Confused, there is a lot of good adive on here, probably more than you'll ever need, since you'll learn all of this with experience. But I must know...was this pool party in Medford, Malden, Revere, or Saugus? Boys with the cheesy lines are everywhere, but the ratios are very high in these communities.

    Posted by Pool Party Pick-Up Line Victim Alumna July 13, 09 10:14 PM
  1. Pool party question: The dude was working his game so he could F your P that night. He's already moved on to other girls. I know this because this is what I do.

    Posted by Pluto Nash July 13, 09 10:30 PM
  1. When he said he had a plan for the future with you, he never expected you to fall for it. Now that you are actually texting him, he is thinking you are playing some tricks on him. Yes, he was interesting in a one time hookup only. That's why he didn't bother to come up with a believable pickup line.

    Posted by ShyGuy July 13, 09 10:50 PM
  1. Guys can be just as complicated as girls when it comes to dating. An alternate theory is that he never summoned the nerve to call, thinking he would have been rejected or that it was too awkward. I've met MANY, MANY, MANY girls in clubs and after calling them the next day or next few days they've always blown me off or refused to pick up. Girls act differently at parties. In real life they are a lot more cautious. Some girls give out numbers just to get rid of you and not make it uncomfortable. After a while a guy gets jaded and he may have just decided it wasn't worth the trouble just to be rejected again.

    Posted by aj July 13, 09 10:55 PM
  1. can't believe there are 103 comments here! this is crazy.

    Posted by water July 13, 09 11:26 PM
  1. "Was it just a ploy to take me home?"

    Yes.

    Posted by DFinMA July 13, 09 11:33 PM
  1. Oh, honey...we have all been there. Isn't the dating scene awful sometimes? I agree with Meredith that you sound young. This cheeseball was just an experience for you...try to take it that way and learn something from the many wise posters here and then put him out of your mind.

    And, ew, cringing and kind of giggling about what a goober this guy is: x-factor...seeing a future together after a few minutes...the dead cell phone battery died line. My bet is that the guy was very handsome and charming and who can resist that? But if you get past that and think about it, he's either gotta get some new material or move on to girls who are dumber than you who will actually fall for his crap and sleep with him that night. SO glad you didn't. Hang in there...talk to shy guy...the real thing will come along!

    Posted by Jetta July 14, 09 01:47 AM
  1. Confused, you should have slept with him and cooked him breakfast in the morning.

    Posted by thetruthteller July 14, 09 06:48 AM
  1. Wow, Mere is so on point with this one. And I love the "Shy guy in the corner" thing. I will be using that one myself next time Im out and about.
    But anyway, Miss Confused "get over it"!!!!! Men will say and do anything to get into your pants. Too many good men out here to worry yourself about one idiot spitting game at a party.

    Posted by LilShorty98 July 14, 09 08:56 AM
  1. #112... excuse us if we arent all from wellesley. that was a lame comment

    Posted by got a great guy from "one of those communities" July 14, 09 10:10 AM
  1. Oh honey. Sounds like it was the first time you found yourself with a wannabe player. The world is full of them, some are really, really good at it, and others (like this idiot) not so much. You will likely meet many in your dating life. So glad you got away with only a kiss - but even those are precious and you shouldn't give them away lightly!

    Next time, take compliments that seem less than sincere with a grain of salt. He wasn't very slick, but the next one may be. Keep you guard up until he proves that he's sincere. Maybe the second date. :)

    Posted by PlymouthGirl July 16, 09 07:25 AM
  1. You want to know why its really bothering you? Because you weren't that into him, you even said so in your letter; and still he rejected you... it kind of goes to the old adage against settling. you were going to settle for this guy who managed to convince you over drinks at a party, that he was worth settling for and you didn't even really like him. sigh. the lesson should be, if you don't really like someone, don't try to date them.

    Posted by sss July 16, 09 02:24 PM
 
ABOUT LOVE LETTERS: Welcome to Love Letters, the place for love advice (giving and getting). Globe relationship columnist Meredith Goldstein and Boston.com readers are ready to take your letters and tell you what's what. Have a question? Click here to submit or email us at loveletters@boston.com.
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Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.

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